#I always have anxiety about doing these
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Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.
Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).
Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.
Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.
Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).
AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.
But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s
At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.
#mlp#yeah i wrote this last night during insomnia.#yeah i know an embarrassing amount of crap about this kids show#but whatever it's my hyperfixation i'll store as much useless information as i want!!!#i'm gay and neurodivergent i have an excuse#in case you needed more proof that aj's my favorite character#personal#delete later#unless you like this analysis stuff#i get why they didn't reveal aj's parent's death until way later and why they didn't do much with it but i wish they did#cuz narratively there could've been so much material with aj's grief. like. i feel like we gloss over the fact that she lost her#mother and father as a teenager#i tried keeping my personal hcs out of this to keep it unbiased#but i'll put some in the tags#involving rarijack –– i think aj can be (but not always) very self-conscious about her relationship with rarity#anxieties that she's not the right fit or that rarity will move away and leave her some day or that another woman will take her attention#(like in rollercoaster of friendship?? nudge nudge??). basic seperation anxiety stuff#long post#regarding applebloom whenever i think about her and her parents i think about that scene in steven universe where steven looks up at#a portrait of his mother and openly wonders what kind of sack lunches she would've made for him. that episode still fucks me up
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different.
#can’t help but recognize how kieran is a fantastic unspoken representation of autism#i see a lot of myself in him and the way that he is so isolated and lonely and yet cannot help but perform and find solace in his daily#routines is so heartbreaking in its own way to me. like no matter what you do or where you are you have no choice but to be yourself and fun#nction the only way you know how and it will never not be vastly different from everyone else. and when you’re surrounded by people who DONT#like you and will not accommodate and are not at all willing or curious in understanding WHY you are the way you are you’re left to just ….#live in your own head forever. i’m certain kieran thinks many wonderous things and sees the world in a beautiful light and i know this becau#se i am autistic myself and because of that i see the world in colours that neurotypical people will never comprehend but we’re never allowe#d to see the world through kieran’s eyes. we are never allowed to see where his heart rests or the poetry he waxes or what he believes or wh#at his triggers are or what’s a stim and what’s just habit or anything. anything. the breeze sounds different to him and he can hear birds f#or miles and the sun makes every hair on his arms tingle and that’s why he wears layers everywhere and every green he sees sings a beautiful#song to him and yet we’ll never know. because he is too different even for the van der linde gang. he is incomprehensible to them and he doe#s all of his 4/5 daily tasks over and over and over again and while he would always do them and will always do them because they are innate#to him no one will ever know just what they mean to him. no one will ever know that kieran duffy can distinguish the horses behind him by th#eir breathing cadences behind him as he scrubs the spare saddle with the sun high above his head and he can know when something is wrong bec#ause he can hear it. no one will ever know that he CAN read but the only thing he’s interested in is books about wildlife and horses and fis#h in particular and no one will ever know because he knows no one will ever understand or even care and if they do they’ll be sure to make#it a point to tell him how DIFFERENT he is. and realistically even if the vdl’s DID come around to liking him he STILL would NEVER be unders#tood. i know for certain he would always be described as odd and despite its new affectionate approach he would still be the odd one out wit#h his daily routines and his texture preferences and his inability to make eye contact and his erratic seemingly random triggers and his#anxiety that seems to have a mind of its own. no one would ever know how bright the tree leaves are in his eyes or how every horse smells di#fferent or why sometimes it’s more fun to reel his rod in over and over instead of actually catching a fish. he will always be …. different.#sorry. novel moment. he means a lot to me.#i’m not super happy with how he looks in these but i’m just trying to draw more :’) i always say that but i always mean it too#also if my novel makes no sense then just ignore it. it’s late and my head hurts. i tend to get tangential#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#kieran duffy#image#art#hero draws sometimes
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One of the earliest examples of Leo’s “I’ll do my own thing to accomplish our goal without discussing it with my team first” is in episode one. It’s super, super quick, and ultimately inconsequential, but it subtly sets up a great precedent that I think is very interesting.
When the boys need to grab the medallion from Splinter without Splinter noticing, Raph, Mikey, and Donnie huddle together with Raph taking the lead in trying to devise a plan to get the mystic device. Meanwhile, Leo slinks away and grabs the device by clocking the situation (by knowing his father well enough to predict his actions - something he does with each family member multiple times in the series) and making a move on his own.
It works out perfectly fine, and is ultimately the best move, and it’s honestly okay that he didn’t consult everyone for something so small when it’s such a non issue to get it, but it nicely sets up how this tends to go in the series, including how it goes in the movie.
To be honest episode one is actually really good at setting up a lot of things for each character in the long run, this is just one example that caught my attention, as small and unassuming as it is.
#rottmnt#rottmnt leo#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#im just ranting at this point feel free to ignore me I’m tired lol#anyway#Leo constantly just goes off and does his own thing#and yeah honestly his own thing often works??? but he alienates his brothers/team in the process#BUT also this isn’t necessarily a one way street#when Leo DOES try to consult his brothers or give his thoughts on matters he’s not really taken seriously#best example here is bug busters where he CONSTANTLY makes his worries and suspicions known only to have them ignored#so it’s almost understandable that he doesn’t often open up about his thought process when it’s easier to just do it#than to try and fail to justify it#after all it almost always works out for him when he does so why not?#and then the movie happens#and that line of thinking doesn’t quite hold up does it?#BUT ON ANOTHER NOTE#like I said episode one is super good at setting characters up#from showing off Donnie’s preference for tech vs magic/mystic#from showing Mikey’s innate talent for mysticism#from showing Raph’s anxieties and how easily they can stack up#there’s more but I’d have to do a closer deep dive on the ep and man am I tired#so off the head rambles it is for now#sorry everyone for my constant spam of Too Many Words into things that are prob Not That Deep#it’s honestly just fun haha#EDIT: bc I saw someone mention it! yeah all the boys have communication issues through the series and it’s super interesting and realistic#Leo in particular stands out to me here because his communication issues are a constant theme that pop up much more often#but each of them experiences this in some form
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core // september 26 2024
#this poem is awesome cause the unrelenting anxiety i have felt over it the past couple weeks has also felt like my insides rotting away#anyway!!!!!#rot girl fall is upon us. unfortunately#poetry#poem#poems#poets on tumblr#poems and poetry#poetsandwriters#poems about religion#spilled ink#do i have a tag for. poems about guilt. jfhgds#how did i tag that lady macbeth poem...#catholic guilt#<— yeah that tracks. alright#AS ALWAYS. I DO NOT EXPERIENCE RELIGIOUS OR MORAL OCD BUT I AM SHAKING HANDS WITH ALL MY MUTUALS WHO DO
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saved myself from an anxiety attack by going through bullets and revenge and trying to remember the order of the songs and singing every lyric i knew. I knew enough for it to be pretty easy but it was still challenging enough to distract me from my thoughts, and made me think about the demolition lovers and how much i love the lyrics rather than spiraling anxious thoughts. Genuinely such a good way to cope when normal breathing/ naming things you can see or whatever isnt working, and you could do this with any album, or even things other than music, like naming characters and facts about them or something. you have to breathe a lot to sing as well so it helps you calm down and focus on your own voice ^^
#ive had anxiety since i was young and ive always been doing the normal coping things#so im so used to them it doesnt distract me as much/ do as much#ik this isnt an original idea im just excited i found something that helps#Also the songs about the demolition man are so dark im like 'Well im doing bad but at least im better than this guy'#At least i dont have to kill 1000 evil men the last one being myself#birdgee#mcr#my chemical romance#revenge#three cheers for sweet revenge#bullets#i brought you my bullets you brought me your love
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[A sad violin song plays over an image of a sad hamster]
Pac: This doesn't have anything to do with me – I wear a blue sweatshirt, you're crazy, this mouse doesn't even have a sweatshirt, this hamster! [Reading chat] Am I a depressed hamster?
[ Transcript continued ↓ ]*
–
Pac: Actually– that's fine! I embrace that idea – of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy? [He hits his desk, then starts counting off people on his fingers] Fit is gone, Richarlyson is gone, Ramon is gone, Bagi and Empanada who were always there when we were there are also gone, I haven't seen them! It's just me and Tubbo, and sometimes Philza shows up.
Pac: I lost Chume Labs, I lost the Favela, I lost Murder Mystery, I lost Ilha Chume Labs, it's crazy! Look at how much I've lost, and I've gained nothing! Of course I'm going to be depressed, are you crazy?! How am I supposed to be happy?!
Pac: [Reading chat] "You have us Pac," that's true, thank you. No, that's true, sorry.
* NOTE: Please note that this is an incomplete transcript, as I was primarily relying on Aypierre's translation mod at the time and if I am not confident of the translation, I do not include it. As always, please feel free to add on translations or message me corrections.
#Pactw#QSMP#Pac#March 18 2024#As much as I love keeping people updated about Pac / the other Portuguese-speaking creators#I think I might not make as many transcribed posts for their clips anymore#I just don't think I'm qualified enough to be transcribing things for a language I don't know#like yeah we have the Qlobal Translator and Aypierre's translators to rely on#And I'm always upfront when I'm not 100% sure about a translation#but I've been thinking about it a lot and it kinda makes me feel a bit icky. Idk.#I might be overthinking this but I just I don't want to spread around translations I'm not super confident about#esp. since I know a lot of people cite my clips in analysis posts or link them to other people as resources#and 90% of the time I'm like ''Hell yeah I love seeing people getting a lot of use out of the archive''#but sometimes I get a bit anxious like ''Did I do a good enough job translating this''#''Am I ruining someone's entire perception of a conversation or character because I left one word out or mistranslated something?''#And like I said that's normally not a HUGE concern since if I'm not certain about a translation I just won't post a clip. but you know#idk it might just be the anxiety talking but I really really don't want to spread bad info#Happy to hear other folks' perspective#I'm really grateful for people like Bell and Pix and others who translate clips and I always try to reblog those#but we don't have a ton of people posting clips & translating things on Tumblr since we're so English-centric#which is part of the reason WHY I like sharing clips of the non-English-speaking CCs#but at the same time I want to do an accurate job representing what they're saying#Maybe I'll just start posting things and give a TLDR context of what they're talking about but not a transcript#that way native-speakers can hop in and add translations if that's something they're comfortable doing#and if not then well. at least I'm not sharing something that isn't super accurate#idk I'm just thinking out loud a bit in the tags#But I'm open to hearing other people's thoughts on the matter#Anyways giant rant aside. q!Pac is NOT doing ok rn
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No answer doodles today either... I'm busy with work and other things rn, I'm sorry for the wait TwT);

For now I only have this little thing to offer, scribbles in my break- (I really like scribbling in gelpen)
#a little spoiler on the third Iterator coming to life?#I'm sorry to anyone I tricked into thinking I'm a fanart-content creator#I never was 😭 in fact I always struggled with some irrational anxiety when it comes to drawing fanart#Rain World is somehow an exception and it's really unusual for me#that I drew more than one piece of fanart already-#otherwise I really do just spout about my silly and cringe lil guys TwT)#I do promise I have a list of things I want to draw with the canon Iterators too#I'll get back to them eventually!#rain world oc#rw iterator oc#rw oc#oc three signals#oc sotu#oc adoe
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vent post
#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once”#i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO#anxiety is a hell of a thing#and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever#i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up#and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken#but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship#i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it#i am cringe and i am free#self post#vent post#altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read#too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll#i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made#i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol#i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim#i think both things can be true#i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like#while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium#“perfectly balanced as all things should be”
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MY HEADCANON FOR PARENTS NAMES:
Snow White: Bianca White ( Bianca means "white" and Whites are probably one of the most obsessed families with their story, every single Snow White had a name with meaning relative to the fairy tails,)
Evil Queen: Eris Queen (I can't remember did I read a fic where she was called Eris but I think that the name of the goddess of discord really suits her)
Sleeping Beauty: Rosalin Beauty (pretty standard name)
Cinderella: Ophelia Ella ( a sweet name for a sweet girl)
Red Riding Hood: Scarlett Hood (one more standard name)
Big Bad Wolf: Aiden Wolf (close friends call him Andy :) )
Dark Fairy: Darcy Thorn ( oh the irony of being the dark fairy with dark name and yet cover yourself in light)
Candy Witch: Cinnamon Witch (I also didn't come up with this name myself. I saw someone use it for her a really long time ago but I can't remember who. If the person who came up with this name sees this, you deserve a reward, the name is perfect. But I hc that she goes by her nickname: Candy. Why? Because it's such a cute nickname)
Pinocchio: Oak Wood (I think that every family name has something to do with trees or wood. Oak sounds like a perfect name for someone sweet, young and cheerful and later as an adult calm and wise)
Goldilocks: Dolly Locks ( I just think that its a cute name and she kinda remind me of Dolly)
Huntsman: Archer Huntsman (Okay, so, Huntsmans are bad at naming their kids, like REALLY BAD. Hunter we are counting on you to break that cycle)
King Charming: Dashing Charming (I read one fanfic were he is named Dashing and i think that name suits him, i myself couldn't come up with the more fitting name)
Queen Charming: Grace Charming (I also read that one in a fanfic and i think it fits her, somehow whenever i think of Charmings Dashing and Grace are the first name that come to my mind)
Rapunzel: Cressida O'Hair (I first just like the name but then i found out the Cressida means "golden" so it goes well with Rapunzel story)
Pied Piper: Devin Piper ( It means "bard" or "poet", the perfect name for a musician. Also, Piper is really a cool name, too bad it is already his last name)
Mad Hatter: Maddox Hatter (I just like silly names for Wonderlandians, especially Mad Hatter)
Queen of Hearts: Victoria Hearts ( okeey, it's not a very Wonderlandian name but neither is Elizabeth and Vicy is a cute nikename)
Cheshire Cat: Lorelai Cheshire (I didn't want to go for the obvious one Chatrine, like, I get it, she's a cat, She literally named her daughter Kitty, or maybe Katrine Kitty for short, BUT THEN I REMEMBER THAT TOLERAI EXISTED which is literally the same name just different first latter and I already gotten attached to Lorelai, so, umm if you all could just do me the favour and pretend that these are TOTALLY different names I would be very thankful)
Alice Wonderland: Amilia Wonderland ( Also would her last name be Wonderland or Liddell? Bonus cute nickname Amy)
White Rabbit: Castor Blanc ( At first i just liked the name but don't you think that "dutiful" is a perfect for White Rabbit)
White Swan: Elenor Swan ( It means "shining light" and to be honest with that destiny she's going to need some light in her life)
Black Swan: Callisto VonBart (What would be the last name of The Black Swan? VonBart?BlackSwan? I put VonBart because I found an OC of Odille on Pinterest and her last name was VonBart. I don't know)
Frog Prince: Hanry Croakington ( i reafuse to belive that he named his son after himself. Nuh-uh. He named Hopper after his father or maybe his grandfather)
Robin Hood: Wren Hood ( Listen, Listen, maybe they just have a thing with the birds?)
Maid Marian: Pandora Charming ( I don't think that there is a destiny stricly for Maid Marian. I think thats just a princess from Charming family or from nobel family, that's why i gave her last name Chaming. Last name changed after the wedding)
Beauty: Primrose Beauty ( Ah, Beauties and their roses)
Beast: Damian Beast (like it)
Fairy Godmother: Beatrice Goodfairy ("blessed one" mmm... too bad you can't bless yourself)
Jack Beanstalk: Jasper Beanstalk (nice)
Snow Queen: Isolde Winter (perfect for ice queen)
Snow King: Nikolai Winter (took his wife's last name, couldn't think of his own that's not arleady taken)
BONUS: PRINCES CHARMING
The Good King: David Charming (i think that only the main Charming follow that logic with names where all siblings have names with the same first latter)
Cinderella's prince Charming: Louis Charming (he's a nice boy)
Snow White's prince Charming: Cassian Charming (I just like it)
Sleeping Beauty's prince Charing: Liam Charming (don't ask)
#DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO CHOOSE A NAME THAT GOES WITH YOUR CHARACTER#HAS A SIGNIFICANT MEANING#AND DOESN'T REMIND YOU OF AN EXISTING CHARACTER???#its very fucking hard#like i wanted to use nivea for snow white becouse it literally means white as snow BUT NIVEA IS A BREND#I also wanted to name pandora Penelope becouse its a cute name remaind me of the redhead#but who comes to your minde when you hear Penelope? Penelope Featherington .#WHICH IS WHY I CANT NAME SOMEONE REMUS WE ALL KNOW ONLY ONE REMUS AND THAT IS LUPIN#BUT TO MAKE THINGS EVEN WORST THERE IS ALWAYS ONE MORE POPULAR CHARACTER WITH THE NAME FIT FOR A WOLF#I WANT TO CRY#i HAVE NUMEROS EXEMPLES but okay its okay i'm okay#I GOT VERY FRUSTRATED FOR LORELAI#I liked the name becouse there is a legend about a water nymf named Lorelai and she lead sailors to their death#But in reality that nymf is acually the rock that looks like the woman AND PEOPLE STILL WRECK THEIR BOATS AGAINST THAT ROCK#beasicly there is a “nymf” named Lorelai that creates chaos and then you have a cat that creates chaos#see what i had in mind???#also while looking for names I also finde some of the strangest names people name their kids#like did you know that some people name their kides wolf or Blackwell?#Also to the people who came up with some of these names before me pls don't be mad i think you nailed it#and i forgot who you are#pls dont come after me i'm shaking with anxiety while posting this#ever after high#eah#ever after high headcanons#eah parents#class of classics
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I felt so seen when I first read pjo and it mentioned Annabeth’s arachnophobia. I used to have so many nightmares when I was younger (probably started when I was around five or six), I would wake up in the middle of the night and be so terrified of moving because I thought there were spiders all over my bed. The shadows on my popcorn ceiling looked like spider figures and I remember just laying there sweating and not making a sound because I thought it would attract the spiders I guess? It was routine for me to shout for my mom—poor her, she would be woken at 2 in the morning like thrice a week— and she’d always shake my sheets and lay with me until I feel asleep. She would also take me to sleep with her and my dad in their massive bed (who was I to say no to the invitation?) and it got to the point where I was embarrassed that I couldn’t sleep a whole night without someone. Occasionally, I still have these nightmares about spiders and I just turn on a light, go to the bathroom, come back, and pretend it never happened.
Idk, just thinking about that. I kind of had forgotten about those nightmares but I don’t play when I see spiders because I know it means I’m going to dream about them.
#just a snippet of my life#tw mentions of spiders#arachnophobia#unfortunately got it from my dad he’ll freak out if he sees one#when I say I’m scared of spiders it’s not bc they bite or bc they’re bugs#it’s bc they’re the culprit of me being scared of going to sleep since I was 5#I deadass have to cover the screen whenever a spider comes up on a show or article#those tv sitcoms that always had that one episode with a spider crawling over someone’s back actualky leave me paranoid to this day#I always get startled when I see my hair and think it’s a spider for a second#‘the price of being small’ sorry but I’m not that kind of girl#anwyays#annabeth chase core#annabeth chase#pjo#percy jackson and the olympians#I also got panick attacks as a kid#bc for a short period of time I was convinced that if I was around glitter or flour or sand I would inhale it and die#I was in first grade#I swear I was born with anxiety#nightmares#tw spiders#childhood#I legit could not do sleepovers for this reason#I don’t play about where I sleep in because I actually get scared if the sheets have a certain texture#annabeth and arachne#percy jackson#heroes of olympus#hoo#randomly sharing#random post
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in my experience i didn’t get interested in kingdom hearts by watching or playing anything first. i got interested by watching people post about cute anime children murdering each other and i was like ‘fascinating. i wonder how this got past the disney censors. let’s find out’
#kingdom hearts#khposting#of course i stayed for all the genuine heartfelt stuff. but that’s what got my attention first#media that is clearly supposed to be dark and is dark: meh. ok#media that is supposed to be fun and childish that dips a bit into dark stuff for delicious tonal whiplash every now and then: LET’S GO#‘why do you only like children’s stuff’ eh. cuz i like when stuff can be messed up and real#but when the creators aren’t allowed to lean on blood gore and violence as a crutch. i like when they’re forced to think outside the box#you tell a kids media creator they aren’t allowed to kill someone and they go ok. got it. i will create a fate worse than death#now that’s what i’m talking about!#not saying all adult stuff is uncreative blood gore and violence of course#just saying that it’s always a possibility and it makes me nervous#i like being personally guaranteed in advance that i wouldn’t be jumpscared by upsetting things and personal triggers bc i’m v sensitive#i get anxious without that guarantee#it isn’t baseless anxiety at all it happens. i have been shown so much awful stuff in one of my film-related classes lately#including one of my own worst personal nightmares#call me cringe idc
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the thing abt the surgery is that yes I do get litle moments of being ecstatic it finally happened but also I just feel Normal now. like my base state for all my life up until last week was worry, horror, and panic when i'd occasionally remember the very unwanted thing my body was capable of, spiraling into what ifs on potential conflicts in my life and future... and now i just feel Not Stressed Out All the Time. Normal.
#talkys#and again that's still that i have not really ever been in active risk of anything happening LOL#god im so happy. im really considering the tattoo even though im not a tattoo person at all#ill see. it depends on how much my incisions/scars fade...but a small green line shouldn't be that bothersome to always be looking at...#ALSO tbf a tiny bit of the worry is still there... im gonna ask my doctor to detail everything about the photos he took of my insides#bc idk. what if they somehow grow back. what if he didn't remove all of em. ykwim. pair of noia#but that's also just due to regular health anxiety#actually you know what can i schedule a hysto. just to be super sure nothing can ever happen to me.#+ ALSO ALSO it didn't feel real every day leading up to it and it kind of still doesn't! like! who was that cheye! he wasn't scared at all!#no way i found a doctor to do it and my parents didnt fight me on it and my mom didnt scream and cry and cause a scene once there. YAY
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hey @ my subconscious. if I could stop having nightly dreams about using. that would be great.
#they're always juuuust plausible enough that I wake up thinking 'aw christ I have to do something about this now' before I Realize#can we get back to the recurring nightmares about inexplicably falling onto a church steeple from a great height.#those are scary but at least they kind of go off aesthetically#these ones are just pointlessly anxiety inducing and usually take place in a boring standard mall#not even a stage that is a room that remains a stage just an overstimulating half-dead usamerican shopping mall#hell on earth#marina marvels at life
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all the girls need some PR boosts/propaganda! (I think it's a legit problem in if and fanfiction spaces)
I am always here for more love for the female ROs!! I'm deeply fond of them all and could talk about them for hours tbh. It is an issue in a lot of spaces, I've seen the same, unfortunately. Genuinely I adore Yasmin and Amara, as well as F!Jay and F!Perri; they mean so much to me <3
#asks#i could go on and on about them tbh#and perhaps someday i will 👀#because i have Thoughts#yasmin has Baggage but is so smart and capable and practical bordering on ruthless#when she needs to be#but also she's so compassionate and protective#amara is messy as hell#she's mean and misanthropic and she'll kill you if you cross her#she isn't above doing terrible horrible things#but she's also wicked clever and stubborn as hell#jay#oh my god f!jay....#she's also stubborn and protective#she wants to save the world#she has a lot on her shoulders but she's kind despite it all#but through that kindness is someone who will not rest#until she makes things better#and f!perri#my beloved weird girl (pos)#she's Quirky and sweet as hell and so fully of whimsy#but she has this steely core beneath all that anxiety#she's always been an outsider#so she's made that her armor#okay i said i'd ramble about them someday but i guess i did it tonight#i love them...
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Honestly, the thing about Spock's nervous reaction to being perceived by Gem the mute empath (turning away, pretending to study his tricorder, ignoring her until she walks over and emotes her delight at what he specifically felt for the unconscious Kirk while gentle music plays) that gets me is how much it mirrors the final scene of "Amok Time."
I mean, "The Empath" is no "Amok Time" as an episode (though it's fine). But the transformation of Spock's devastation over Kirk's "death" at his hands into raw joy and delight, the only time in TOS that he shows such a thing without some outside force screwing with him, is such a moment. And the reason it's only a moment is because he hurriedly hides it in the same guilty, nervous way he'll do in "The Empath" later, for the same reason: realizing he's being perceived by a third party. In "Amok Time," of course, that's the smiling Chapel and McCoy; Spock seems to have genuinely forgotten that they were even in the room when he saw Kirk alive, and as soon as he sees them again, he stops short and hides his feelings again, lying that he doesn't care about Kirk in any capacity but professional respect.
Kirk seems to just be affectionately amused by this and shepherds him off, but I think it's interesting that the thing that really alarms Spock is the sudden realization that other people are watching them. He does have to be pretty blatantly reminded that other people exist are present and can see everything, but once Spock sees others observing them, he has this brief moment of panic and then retreats into his usual composure while just lying or pretending he revealed nothing. This isn't set off by Kirk himself at all—his reaction, something he did, something he might have done. Spock's alarm in these scenes is all about being perceived by people other than Kirk.
If they had been alone, well— It does seem like something quite different might have happened in both cases.
#the anxiety around what's going on between them being seen by other people is very homophobia coded obviously#and i do always wonder about spock switching into repression mode because of the presence of chapel and mccoy and apparently nothing else#there's this distinctly nervous guilty quality in his response both times despite the fact that the 'audience' is obviously charmed#amok time in particular really seems to suggest spock wouldn't have dialed the joy of their reunion down nearly so fast w/o others there#and likely he /would/ have just stayed at kirk's side watching him sleep if they didn't have to worry about being seen by others#there's also deela's prurient suggestion that she wants to watch kirk and spock 'demonstrate' their great affection. which. ummm.#so. hmm. hmmmmmm.#anyway. cool cool it's all fine.#anghraine babbles#otp: the premise#c: who do i have to be#c: i object to intellect without discipline#star peace#anghraine's meta#tos: s2#tos: s3#star trek: the original series#tos: amok time#tos: the empath#and for the tags:#tos: wink of an eye
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wanted to share the richie tozier themed altoid tin i decorated!!
mostly 2017-19 richie themed, but wanted to include some 1990 and book richie with the teenage werewolf sticker and the words on the marquee :) i want to put little tchotchkes in it that remind me of richie, and all i have so far is a chucky cheese token ( going to try and find a better one) ^^" feel free to give me suggestions of what i should put in it!!
under the cut is some links to where i got some of the stickers!
werewolf sticker
pac man washi tape
cassette/radio stickers
richie/ other character stickers!
all of the other stickers i used came from michael or stickers i already had!!!
#richie tozier#it stephen king#it 2017#it chapter 2#it 2019#it 1990#it 1986#stephen king#image id in alt text#lmk if i can do better on image descriptions as always!#altoid wallet#altoid tin#my art#as always i have anxiety about posting but i hope some of the it people that are on here enjoy my little thingie :)#reddie
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