#I also didn’t go into this expecting it to be aro (for some reason…..I know the author is lol)

[aroaessidhe]

2024 reads / storygraph

Pluralities

sci-fi novella

a burned out 20-something with premonitions has a gender-questioning journey, after quitting their job and becoming friends with benefits with a trans guy

with a parallel narrative about a runaway alien prince in a space empire and his complicated friendship with his sentient spaceship friend

audiobook arc from netgalley!

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi Cas :) My younger sister is 22 and recently told me that she’s in a queer platonic relationship. I already knew she was aro so this isn’t surprising but i’ve been trying to understand her identity a bit more so I can help give her advice when she asks and stuff (cause she often came to me for advice with romance stuff and I even helped her find the label aro, which she now identifies with) but I feel a bit bizarre walking into queer places as a straight girl cause I hate to take up a place where people go to be comfortable around others like them. So I didn’t know who to ask. So i’m asking you :)

I don’t really understand queer platonic. I don’t want to know if my baby sister has sex and I don’t care whether that’s her thing or not, but I don’t know the right terminology.

Is her queer platonic person her partner? They were already really close friends, so are they more than that now? Is queer platonic another way of saying bestest friend to ever friend? She said they got together very recently (she was excited to tell me) and so… should I have noticed? Since she said she’s aro, I know she doesn’t get crushes, or want to date, so I stopped thinking about that in regards to her. Was it sort of like a crush except without romance? 

I know I could ask my sister but we’re pretty far from each other right now and it feels like the sorta thing to ask about in person, she speaks a lot in body language my sister, and so it’d be nice to know what she’s feeling I guess, or how I should treat their relationship going forward. 

Also since it’s a relationship, i’d quite like to get to know her partner, but I don’t know if that’s usually within the boundaries of queer platonic (I do partly know them already, but we’ve never met IN PERSON before). 

Also, I assume since she called it a queer platonic relationship, calling it a friendship is rude? Cause it’s not a friendship, it’s a relationship. 

I don’t know how much of it I should understand, you know? Cause obviously it’s her experience and not mine so there’ll always be a part of it I don’t get. But I feel like I don’t get enough of it yet. 

She often comes to me for advice and I expect she will more often now she’s in a relationship, she doesn’t deal with conflict very well and likes to call me to calm down sometimes.

I don’t know whether my advice should change now it’s a relationship. I also don’t know how her dynamic has changed with her partner? 

Also, and I really don’t want this to sound rude, but can I call what they have love? Cause they do love each other, just not romantically, I think. 

Anyway, I don’t fully know what i’m asking. Just if you having any insight into queer platonic relationships, please tell meeeee :) 

I’m super happy for my sister and already psyching myself up for correcting my parents when they use the wrong terminology for my sister and her partner. Oh that reminds me, is there any terminology that I might accidentally use that’s wrong? I assume like “romance”. Unless they can have romance, just not romantic feelings? 

Yeah idk, have a lovely week Cas ❤️ Thanks for reading my questionsssss

Hi hon!

Honestly, I don't have a ton of experience with queer platonic relationships, but I'm gonna do my best to help!

From what I know a queer platonic relationship is what it sounds like, basically. Two (or more) queer people who are in a platonic relationship. They may be partnered, meaning they sort of...belong to each other, ig? Belong isn't the right word, but I'm hoping you get the idea. There's love there, but not romantic. Sometimes there's intimacy, but sometimes not. There's variation there, which is why it's hard for me to answer your questions.

I think the thing is, a lot of these questions, I wouldn't be able to answer even if I had a lot of knowledge. The reason for this is because being aro can be a spectrum. Some aro people like a bit of romance, some like none. Some like physical intimacy, some don't. The questions that you're asking right now are amazing questions, because they show you respect your sister's identity and you want to understand how she feels. You're asking the right questions, but I really think you need to ask her.

I would start by saying something like. "Hey, you told me about x. I really want to understand because I love you. Is it okay if I ask some questions?"

Odds are, she'll be up for answering. Most queer people WANT people to want to learn. Then, ask away. These are all good questions and none of them are inappropriate imo. I think once you know the answers to these, you'll know how to give advice, too.

Remember that it's okay to not completely understand. But asking questions and working to understand means the world to most people.

And if she doesn't want to answer questions? Just be accepting. Roll with it. Try to learn by observing.

But I need you to understand that like...if someone came to me and was like, "I have questions about your gender, can I ask?" I would cry of happiness. So odds are your sister will be willing to answer.

You sound like an amazing person and I hope you ask your sister all of these things, because it sounds like you're exactly the type of sibling everyone deserves to have <3

Naming you qpr anon!

[igbylicious]

Glad you like the rambling because this has become a trend of me never being able to fit in the replies anymore T_T

aaaah I AM SO EXCITED!!! bound was already so so good (you're getting a separate ask all about it later). May your creative juices always be flowing and your brain kind enough to help you along <3 I wonder if you were ever inspired by the ateez lore itself to write for it. I feel like it's such a shame not more people do because it seems so interesting, but then again, it's complicated enough that it might seem like too much ig?

Thank you for digging that up. icb I MISSED IT T_T tumblr we have notifications on for a reason come onnnn but omg woosang babies <3 that's so woo, honestly.

Love that drunk san singing his heart out is canon in the whiway universe as well tbh. Jongho seems like such a fun drinking partner I can just see it (*ᴗ͈ ֊ ᴗ͈)ꕤ°❀⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

ALSO PLS TELL ME WE'RE GETTING SMTH WITH THE SYUNGI THREESOME (this is not about snail yungi) I will take anything—a separate drabble, a bulletpoint thingie, or even just a light teasing just in an upcoming chapter ozr.

Aww yuyu I will keep you in my prayers. *is an athiest*

I feel like only hongjoong got neglected now and that makes my ot8 heart sad so is he living the dream? is he getting woosan regular updates? also is it weird that I lowkey headcanon him as ace in whiway don't know why but my brain just decided on that randomly.

I'm glad the hiatus helped! I really admire you taking time for yourself when you're not feeling your best.

AW I’M GLAD YOU LIKED BOUND ASKJDASDKJ i look forward to hearing your thoughts!!! (♡°▽°♡)

ooohhhhhhhhh yeah no i don’t have anything inspired by the lore. which is weird tbh bc esp the whole Halateez deal should be right up my alley lol. meeting yourself from the future/a different dimension/whatever the heck is going on in their lore? hell yeah 👀 idk maybe one day i’ll come up w/ smth that’s inspired by specific elements, but not meant to be set in the canonical lore hehe. to take that on is a lil too daunting, yeah ^^;;

lol no you didn’t miss it! this wasn’t tumblr’s fault for once; it was a convo in the replies! there are a bunch of whiway tidbits scattered all over the place asdkjadsjk maybe after the main series is done i’ll see if i can gather it all up in one neat place ^^ (and the threesome is on my list of ‘things i might write after the fic is done’ ( ⓛ ω ⓛ *) )

aw ace HJ they’d be aro/ace besties :’) i do have it in my head that she and Joong have casually fucked out of boredom — but that can actually still track? 🤔 i know some asexuals have that type of ‘it’s just a fun way to pass the time’ relationship to sex (or you can ignore this info if you prefer to think of him as sex averse ♡(>ᴗ•) i don’t expect it to come up in the last two chapters, and anything i blabber outside the story is basically a glorified headcanon lol)

(as for Hongjoong neglect; there’s a lil moment in the upcoming chapter you might enjoy hehe (´꒳`)♡ )

hope you are doing well! (◕‿◕)♡

[kaylinalexanderbooks]

Hi! Fellow asexual writer here!

I love your large cast of characters representing a broad range of diversity. It’s got me thinking about my own project and something I’ve been fretting about. My story is mostly dialed in on two characters, and told from the POV of only one. The POV main character is asexual, so this comes up occasionally in the narrative, especially in relation to the romantic subplot she’s a part of (she’s ace but not aro).

The story is very personal to me, so I know it’s true to at least ONE real-life ace person’s experience. But I still have a lot of anxiety about what fellow acespecs will think if they read my book and don’t see themselves represented in it. Especially since there’s not necessarily any aro representation in this specific book. This particular story/main character just didn’t feel aro to me personally as I was developing them, and I didn’t want to force it and make it feel inauthentic.

I know writers are not meant to please everyone, it’s ok for a book to have a narrow target audience. I also know it’s ok for different books to have different approaches. I like the large cast of characters approach, which inherently has more opportunities for wider diversity, but I also like the focus-on-one-or-two-characters approach, the latter of which I’m doing with this particular book. I understand representation is so important; part of the reason I’m writing this book at all is because I was so sad/tired of never seeing myself represented in what I was reading and always feeling left out and alone.

But in the half-decade or so I’ve been working on this story, I’ve also discovered it can be difficult to navigate acespec representation in particular without feeling like I’m doing it wrong or that I will face a lot of backlash in the future. I don’t necessarily care about backlash from allos, I don’t expect them to understand an ace character anyway, but it would sting if I got to the end of this process and literally no other acespecs felt represented by this story I worked so hard on to represent my own ace experience.

Do you have any thoughts or advice? Only if you’re comfortable sharing of course.

I personally think if you're sharing your own story, it is automatically authentic. Asexuality and aromantism are broad spectrums--it would be impossible to try and capture every single individual's experience--the same is true for any group actually. A story with a female protagonist is not going to be relatable to every woman, the same as a black protagonist won't be relatable to all black people.

Asexuality and aromantism don't have a lot of representation to begin with, so your contribution will be valuable in changing that just slightly.

I think it is important to show asexuals in romantic relationships because it does not erase their asexuality. Sure, it won't represent people who are acearo, but it will represent asexuals. If your main character can't authentically be aromantic, then it's better to keep a good authentic representation of an alloromantic asexual than a poor representation of an acearo.

If you focus on 1-2 characters, there's no need to force anyone else there for the sake of representation. However, if you want to have an acearo side character to show up to give a certain reminder of their existence, I think that will be okay, as long as they do serve a purpose. For example, your main character can bond with a friend about their asexuality, but also acknowledge the differences in their romantic attraction/lack thereof. You can open the conversation, if you see fit.

Large diverse casts work in some stories but not all. I think a small cast is fine, and you can only get so diverse with 1-2 characters because there's only two of them. But all in all, if you're portraying your own experiences, it's automatically an authentic story. If you were to write an aromantic character, or at least someone on the aromantic spectrum, I would suggest research/talking to people in that community.

But at the end of the day it is your story. If someone is upset that it's not their story, that isn't because you didn't portray it authentically. You cannot please everyone.

However, personally, I would rather have an asexual character whose experiences I can't 100% relate to than no asexual character. I think I would still see part of myself in them. I'm also in a romantic relationship as an asexual, so I'd be able to see myself there. However, I'm still in the aromantic spectrum, which means if this person is alloromantic, I would not be able to fully relate to them. That doesn't make the experience inauthentic, it's just one story out of many. And that's okay.

I hope this helped? I'm by no means a diversity or representation excerpt, but as an asexual writer, I think what you're doing is fine. If you want to include an aromantic character, you can, but it is not a requirement to make the story authentic.

[aroaceconfessions]

Could I be aro?

Tw: details of romantic and sexual situations

I’ve recently been questioning whether or not I might be aro and want to know if that seems way off base to others who are. What led to me thinking this is what appears on the surface to be a fear of commitment. I’ve always desired a romantic relationship in theory, and I’ve had crushes on plenty of people growing up (I’m 23). As I got older and started to try online dating, I’ve had lengthy conversations with many different people on the apps, and probably between 5-10 first dates. In high school up to now, whenever the possibility of a relationship with someone I’m romantically interested in becomes real (irl crushes ask me out or online crushes suggest meeting in person), I get sort of sickened by the idea. People that either are very compatible with me on paper or that I flirt with a bunch over text suddenly gross me out.

Now, you might be saying, “It seems like you’re pretty romance-repulsed when the idea of being in a romantic relationship yourself becomes a possibility, rather than a fantasy or theory.” And it does seem like that. But my fantasies do involve me specifically, and I want to point out an important exception.

When I was 14, I had a crush on a guy who also had a crush on me. We were in a ton of classes together, he was actually one of my teacher’s sons. Same scenario, he asks me out, I say yes, we go on a first date and I hate it. But, for a lot of not great reasons, I decide to try and wait it out to see if that feeling goes away. I guess I thought relationships were hard and once you put the work in they get fun. So I was pretty miserable for about a year and a half, maybe two. But then, I started to get less miserable about the romantic aspects of our relationship. To a point where it seemed like I was enjoying all of the things I fantasized about. We were together until I was 18, and the last two years I was very happy with the romantic things like kissing, cuddling, dates, etc.

So. Idk if I got stockholm syndrome or what, but clearly I enjoyed that romantic relationship eventually. Idk what changed, because we definitely had a deep emotional connection way before I was comfortable with him in that way. There are a lot of little things too that make me question being aro, like not really having very many/if any significant crushes in the last 2-3 years, however I haven’t met a ton of new people in that time either (thanks pandemic). I went on a couple dates with one guy under the assumption we were both seeking a romantic relationship, but the first date was pretty much just hanging out as friends and the second date on did involve sex without any kissing or much cuddling at all, and after we decided to just be fwb we did things like kissing that didn’t gross me out. Also, the guy I dated for 4 years is the only romantic relationship I’ve ever had, so no other examples to provide. I expect some advice might be to try again and date more people to see if it’s a pattern, but I don’t really want to waste more years of my life in relationships that gross me out.

Some possibly helpful background: I was AFAB and I’m pretty sure I’m cis, but have questioned in the past. Purity culture and gender roles were very enforced growing up, but I’ve been working on breaking away from them for the past 5+ years. Until I started questioning being aro I identified as panromantic, but it did take me until I was 20 to even entertain the idea of being queer despite having had crushes on girls my whole life (probably because of religious trauma, you get it). I’ve ID’d as asexual since I was 21, and I believe at least part of that comes from sexual trauma. I don’t experience sexual attraction ever, but I am sex-favorable and I do desire sexual relationships. Sex for me is very much a fun/exciting performance, and I also get gratification from it the same way you might get gratification from giving someone you care about a back massage. I come from a verbally/emotionally abusive household with an enmeshed family that I am still in frequent and close contact with, by my choice. We don’t/have never shown any physical affection to each other past occasional, sometimes awkward hugs.

I know this might be a good thing to discuss with my psychiatrist and/or therapist but despite their full support, they aren’t as well-versed in aspec culture/issues/sublabels/etc and they don’t have aro experiences.

Does anyone relate to any part of this and/or have any insight they’d be willing to share? Thanks

[aquanova99]

How do Carmen and Eleazar fit into the Denali, because I originally read them as if they were all just family, but I’ve also seen people refer to them as the Denali sisters and Carmen and Eleazer. Are they considered friends, strictly coven mates, family, like what’s the dynamic there?

According to canon ™️ you can’t be in a large coven without a large amount of trust. Apparently being on the “vegetarian” diet builds that connection. Now…I don’t know how much I believe that since the volturi would not have been able to rule harmoniously for so long without being able to feed without constantly being territorial on their meals.

So, in my own understanding and world building I would say that Carmen and Eleazar were traveling after leaving the volturi, probably trying to put as much distance as possible between them in case they changed their minds about needing Eleazars gift. When they came across the Denali coven I imagine three blonde women snarling at them over a bear or several deer carcass and them being like 🧍🏻🧍🏻‍♀️

Kinda like James, Victoria, and Laurent. They didn’t show up there maliciously. I imagine Eleazar mansplains or tries to mansplain that they were just passing through and looking for a place of their own when Carmen just crosses her arms and asks why they look so defensive over a dead animal(s) before Tanya probably composed herself and explains why they were caught off guard.

For the second time Carmen and Eleazar are like 🧍🏻🧍🏻‍♀️”this has to be a joke?” It’s very much not. Tanya expects judgement for their reasoning on starting the diet, like the Cullens did but the pair are more worried about how they stomach the blood. They explain it takes time and some of them have slips ups every once in awhile (Kate). They continue to know eachother and honestly Carmen craves a family like environment m. She had a big family when she was human, she was hoping to find something similar in the volturi with Eleazar. Unfortunately homegirl was just not cutting it with the guard and Eleazars gift is not powerful enough for him to pull a Chelsea. Aro would rather let him go, he’s kind of annoying anyway.

So finding the Denalis, well Carmen asks Eleazar to try out the diet in front of the sisters and now it’s their turn to stare. Eleazar could care less about it to be honest but he also misses being apart of a family like environment after years in the volturi and he jumps at it too. Throughout the experience I feel like he gets humbled a lot, mostly by Kate and Tanya before he’s accepted as a family member. But Carmen? Tanya and her bond immediately. Kate and Irina are closer due to them being taken against their will in the beginning of Sasha’s build-a-family. No one admits this, and the resentment moreso disappeared after Sasha was killed. So Carmen becomes an older sister to Tanya quickly and since she was the default older sister she loves having someone she can talk to now.

Not to say the other girls didn’t like her, but it took a bit longer to accept Carmen the same way Tanya did. I imagine Carmen is someone who notices little things that they complain about and silently fixes it. Both girls had no idea Carmen was the one solving problems until they tried to thank Tanya and she told them it wasn’t her. They are all thick as thieves now.

[klavierpanda]

🍁 - When did you first realize you were queer?

🔥 - How has the way you think about yourself changed since you realized you were queer?

💛 - Who or what made you realize you were queer?

☀️ - Is there anyone who helped you accept that you were queer? If so, who?

🌱 - How would your younger self act if your current self told them they were queer?

🍀 - What thoughts or emotions that didn’t make sense to your past self make sense now that you know you’re queer?

🫐 - Are there ways you wish you could present yourself differently, but can’t?

🔮 - What Was the Moment you Realized you were Queer?

🍁 - I was 13/14 and I was doing some research about queer stuff to be a better ally and came across a bunch of acespec terminology and resonated a lot with demisexual then

🔥 - I don't much changed back then but much more changed when I am nonbinary and aro because both realisations have helped me realise I don't have to be what people expect me to be, I can just be and do things that make me happy :))

💛 - So genderwise it was learning how to be a better ally to my nonbinary friend that made me go "oh wait this sounds like me". As for being aro, I was questioning for weeks but then joked to a friend that I'd rather go on a date with the Schrödinger equation than a person and then I was like, damn I'm aro hahah

🌱 Relieved probably. Like, I was often bullied as a child (autism innit /lh) but it would have been nice to know that there are people out there who are also seen as weird and embrace it. It's the reason my queerness is tied to my autism

🍀 - A big one is "I don't really feel like I fit in with boys or girls but I guess I'm a boy because im definitely not a girl ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯".

🫐 - I'd really like to try some make up. If you've ever seen some of the picrews I make I will sometimes have cool/cute make up on but alas I know fuckall about make up and I can't experiment because that would probably involve coming out to my parents (again. They forgot the first time)

🔮 - I guess that's kinda answered in the first question but the first time I properly embraced it was when I joined some queer communities on Reddit not long after the pandemic started.

Thanks for the ask!!

[smolbeanie1221]

My partner in junior year of high school. Very fluffy romantic-type relationship. I thought I had romantic feelings for them, and looking back on it, I can’t tell. Were those my actual feelings, or was it the expectations of society and my friends, the expectations of my partner, the pressure I felt that, sure I might be ace but I have to at least feel romantic feelings for someone (I didn’t know aro was a thing back then), was I actually feeling romantic feelings towards them?? I have no idea. But I think what made me subconsciously question it, not question whether I loved them bc I did love them but whether I had romantic feelings, was when some of our friends were joking about people getting married one day, and I just remember inwardly shuddering and going, marriage?? Fuck no, not even with my partner. And I was confused bc I knew I loved them, wanted them in my life, but marriage was just a big nope. At the time, I think it was because marriage to me was like,,, the MOST romantic thing that people in love MUST do in order to prove that they are ROMANTICALLY IN LOVE with their partner and LOVE ROMANCE AND ROMANTIC SHIT. So for me, at least the me back then, marriage equaled high-levels-of-romantic-feelings and… I don’t know if I ever did have romantic feelings for them, at least not romantic by allo-expectations. And it was so confusing bc we loved each other, we were happy and good and it was one of my better relationships, my first relationship that I had after realizing I’m ace.

Eventually we broke up, then I ended up dating an aro person in a qpr, realized it was so comfortable to not have romantic expectations, later my best friend from high school who is 100% allo, we ended up in a qpr that had no sexual or romantic parts. Those relationships made me realize that I’m arospec too. Looking back on my relationship with the romantic pressures, it wasn’t bad at all, but it’s just really weird to think about.

The relationship I’m in now has no sexual expectations, and even tho we haven’t really talked about romance, I don’t feel any romantic pressure at all, not the way I did before. And strangely enough, the thought of marrying my girlfriend someday doesn’t immediately freak me out like the thought of marriage did before. I think it’s because I no longer attach marriage to internalized queerphobia or society’s assumptions aka marriage means romance and/or sex. It still is weird to think about lol but it doesn’t freak me out anymore. I don’t think I would ever feel the need for marriage except maybe for legal reasons, but if my gf at some point decides it’s important to her, then hell yeah we can have a nature-y pagan Hellenic/Norse ceremony thing with only close respectful friends and family members and sign legal papers. Or even just one or the other part of that.

Going to the second part, people that you’ve been with in some sort of sexual and/or romantic relationship, the “fluffy” relationship partner I mentioned, we didn’t stay close after we broke up, mostly I think bc I knew they were romantically in love with me and I needed the space. I’ve had a friend that I sorta dated for a summer and we messed around a bit, if you catch my meaning. It was weird when it ended, but we went back to normal and I never felt as though he saw me much differently. I didn’t really see him differently bc honestly I didn’t see what we did as much more special than cuddling or holding hands. But maybe that’s bc I’m ace and I don’t get the big deal about that stuff lol I dunno. My friend who’s 100% allo that I was in a qpr with, I heard about their crushes and fantasies more than I really cared to lol. I did wonder sometimes if they saw me in any sexual and/or romantic way, but they said multiple times that, no it would be weird af and just feel wrong. And they didn’t mean it in a bad way at all, just that those things were a totally foreign notion when it came to me.

But there’s also a couple people that I messed around a bit with before I realized I’m ace, that if I see them, I feel vaguely uncomfortable bc even tho there was hardly anything we did, it’s still weird to remember especially if I see them. I think it just depends on the person you were with, how you know they see you now, how well they respect you, that sometimes determines whether it’s uncomfortable to see them. But it’s also valid to be uncomfortable to see any ex of any sort for any reason. For me personally, it depends on several factors.

Anyways navigating relationships is tricky for everyone, and it’s different for everyone. It’s okay to not know what you want in a relationship, and it’s okay to not want one at all. I didn’t date anyone for like 3 years, and at the time thought I might never date anyone again. I had to sort through: the expectations of society, the fact that my friends are all dating and/or married, whether or not I had the emotional energy to be with someone, the fact that I wanted a person in my life but then had to figure out what that looked like to me, etc. Eventually I figured out what I actually wanted, was tentatively open to finding a partner, and the fates connected me with my gf online, and so far, the relationship is going really well. But it’s okay to not want someone in your life as “a partner” or whatever term you want to use

Attempt to reach out to the seasoned aroace spec elders:

Has anyone ever had any past romantic &/or sexual relationships that felt really good at the time and you thought were healing and helpful and now you look back with a sense of disgust and even fear? Even if objectively speaking the way that person treated you wasn't bad or harmful, but because there's any sort of romantic/sexual expectation associated with them you can't stomach thinking about it?

And have you ever attempted to be friends but you just maintain that sick feeling because there's a chance they still want you sexually or romantically? That they've seen you in that way and you at one point consented to it?

Please if you have any insight/experience to share I would really appreciate it.

[thewriterthatghostedyou]

Meant to Be Yours

Llyod Hansen x Doctor! Reader and Six x reader

Hi, I finally was inspired to write. And yes I may or may not have seen Gray Man and may or may not have gotten some inspiration from that and all of the science classes I'm taking. Sorry for the lack of updates, I just wasn’t motivated to write and didn't want to make myself hate writing these stories and driving myself to not enjoy writing them. I really do intend to write more but life seems to have other plans (one of the reasons for my new name lol). But this story idea slapped me in the face and hopefully gets me back in the swing of things.

(Will have two separate endings) Also, sorry in advance, this is a love triangle, but hopefully I keep it interesting.

Trigger Warnings: I mean it has Lloyd Hansen in it, torture, gore, noncon/ dubcon, cursing, stalking, power imbalance

‘I’m not getting paid enough for this shit.’ You thought to yourself. The dank hallway smelled of blood and there was an ominous dripping sound behind you somewhere. ‘When I get back I swear to god I’m chewing off Greenway’s ass.’ When you came into work today you hadn’t expected the CIA of all goddamn agencies to be short staffed. You were beyond pissed when your manager approached you that morning with a chintzy first aid kit.

“We need you on patch up duty today.” You recalled rolling your eyes. It wasn’t that you were too prideful to help others, it was just that you never actually did anything around the lab. And for someone hired straight out of graduate school it was disappointing to say the least. You had been ecstatic when the CIA itself approached you about your thesis on biochemical warfare, and stunned at the opportunity to join their research team. You didn’t come from money and worked your ass off to get through all of the necessary schooling and now you were playing Dr. MD.

“I’m not even that type of doctor.” You grumbled to yourself as you approached two armed guards in front of an old rusted door.

Clearing your throat, you felt nervous as the two of them looked at you. “Um- Someone requested a Dr. I’m Dr. Y/l/n. I think I’m in the right place.” Although you’d much rather be anywhere else, this place gave you horror movie vibes.

The guard on the right nodded curtly and opened the door without a word.

“Thanks.” You said slowly, walking into god knows what.

“About time you showed up.” A cocky voice echoed through the room. You raised your eyebrow at a man leaning against the wall in a crappy porn star stache, tight polo shirt, and white pants. He seemed out of place looking all put together next to the man tied to a chair and gagged. You eyed a few wicked looking medical instruments warily.

“Didn’t know they had docs that pretty.” The man continued. Not even trying to hide the way he looked you up and down.

“What is this?” You asked hesitantly as he rolled up his sleeves and walked over to you.

“Standard protocol.” He rolled his eyes at that. “Apparently Carmichael needs this guy alive and you…” He slapped a hand on your shoulder causing you to flinch. “… are gonna make sure he stays that way cupcake.”

“This is not what I’m trained for.” You let out an uneasy laugh and turned towards the door. “I’m sure there’s someone else who can-“

You froze as two strong hands gripped your arms and spun you around roughly. “You’re not going anywhere sweetheart. I’ve been waiting to start and you would want to leave poor Mr. Jackson here waiting any longer huh?” He shoved you forward and you stumbled towards a small wooden chair. “I think he’s a bit nervous.” The man whispered in your ear as he shoved you down. You tried not to let your hands shake as he strode over to the tied up man and dropped a car battery on the metal table next to him.

The man started sobbing as the table rattled next to him and the man started tapping two jumper cables together. You hated how he smiled at the sparks they produced.

“Now.” He paused with a smile. “Let’s get this party started huh?” He waved the clamps around with a wicked smile and ripping off the gag.

“Please I swear I don’t know what you want! I-I’ve got money! Ummm and- and cars, whatever you want, just please don’t do this!” The man tied to the chair begged.

“You see, I would, but I’m already getting shit load of cash and I have plenty of nice cars. Speaking of, you and I can go for a ride after I finish up here.” The man shot you a quick wink as he said that.

“So.” He continued slowly. ‘He seems to have a flair for the dramatic.’ You feel your hands grow clammy as he yanks the man’s chin closer and places the clamp on his cheek. “Let’s not draw this out longer than it needs to be. There’s a lady present.” He clamped the other cable to his other cheek and the man shook his head nervously.

“Where is it?” His joking expression dropped as he crouched down to be eye level with the man.

“I-I don’t know what you’re-“

You jumped in your seat as the man flipped a switch and sent an electric current through the victim. You felt your lungs start to heave as you watched him seize around uncontrollably. “Boring.” He heaved out a sigh. “You know what I’m talking about.” The man in the chair slumped down as he released the switch. “Where is it.”

“I swear it don’t-“ The man in the chair was cut off by a loud scream as the other man upped the voltage and flipped the switch.

“Maybe that’ll help jog your memory.” He smirked and then turned to you. “Italian or French?” He asked, toying with the switch, flipping it on and off.

“W-what?” You stuttered out as the man in the chair kept writhing in pain.

“Where do you wanna get dinner after we finish up here? I know this great new Italian place but it’s up to you.”

You blinked at him in shock. Was he actually flirting with you?

“I really think I should be heading back after all of… this.” You stared at the floor, trying not to listen to the man’s screams.

“No need.” The man scoffed. “I’ll let the boss man know and you’re off the hook. You know I’m thinking we should do Italian. I’ve got a craving for some lasagna.”

You scoffed at that and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “You can’t be serious.”

He shot you a smile and flipped off the switch to pull out a phone. “Sure am. I can call now. Carmichael and I are close.”

“Wait, you don’t mean…”

“Hey Denny.” He paused as the voice on the line responded back. “No, he hasn’t cracked yet, but we’ll get there. Anyways I’ve got a favor to ask. Once I’m done here I need you to let Dr…” He strode over and yanked up your official badge, smiling as he read the name. “Y/n y/l/n off for the rest of the day.” You yanked the badge away from him and shoved it in your pocket. ‘The nerve of this asshole.’

He chuckled at something the other person in the line said before responding. “She sure is. Anyways, think you can swing it? Thanks man you’re the best.” He gave you a thumbs up as he paced in front of you still listening.

“Uh huh. Sure. He wants to talk to you.” He handed you the phone, which you took gingerly. He couldn’t actually be talking with THE Denny Carmichael, the man who had discovered you in your program and gave you your job offer.

“Hello?” You asked softly.

“Dr. Y/l/n.” A familiar voice answered. “Perfect, now I need you to listen very carefully.” Holy shit it actually was him. This psychopath had the Chief of the goddamn CIA in his contacts list as Denny.

“I- I can do that.” You looked up at the man still watching you with a predatory smile.

“Whatever my friend Lloyd wants you to do, do it.” He said bluntly.

“I’m sorry? I don’t understand.” Your forehead scrunched at that.

Carmichael sighed across the line. “Fine, let me put it this way, whenever he inevitably finishes up whatever shitty play he’s doing to get you in his bed, get in it.”

You paled at that. “You can’t expect me to-“

“I can and I do. Hansen is too important of an asset to lose because you’re a prude. You can choose not to, but you’ll have to have your desk cleared by Monday.”

“I-“

“Yeah you heard me right. Fuck him, or your fired.”

[aro-and-tired]

Wow I sure vanished from this blog for a while didn’t I

Anyways I come back today with a thought about how... pointless it can be to try and clearly define the difference between some terms. In particular, how the eternal question of “just what is romantic attraction exactly” that every aro has asked at least once is unanswerable simply because it’s so subjective.

There more things out there with confusing limits and definitions than there are things with clear cut descriptions. Just think about a color gradient. If the gradient goes from red to green, how do you decide where the line is between red and green? People’s subjective ideas change, and then there are also objective differences in how different people perceive colors, or how the colors may show up on different screens.

Just as the confusions exist between something external like colors or other concepts and objects, it exists for human feelings and emotions. In fact, it’s reasonable to expect that nothing in the world is as confusing as what goes on inside people’s heads.

So... how can you give a single, universal definition for romantic attraction? Describing feelings is inherently complicated to begin with. There are allo people for whom romantic and sexual attraction are intertwined and hard to separate, and then there are allo people for whom the two things are easy to consider independently. I’ve seen people define romantic attraction as wanting to do “romantic things” with a specific person, but what those romantic things are is fundamentally subjective. There are also people who are fundamentally unromantic and don’t like nor want very romantic gestures, but nonetheless feel romantic love for others. Some people see kissing others as romantic, some see it as sexual, some see it as both, some don’t inherently see it as either. And then we have cultural differences between what is or isn’t romantic, people in different parts of the world have different ideas about romantic love, and that of course will influence how they feel.

Now, I understand why people want to know how to recognize romantic attraction, especially people who question being aromantic. It’s a very legitimate question. I myself would very much like to figure it out one day or the other.

But I also think that sometimes, one should just go with whatever feels most attractive (ha) to them. You are unsure whether or not you feel romantic attraction or not, but you relate to some experiences of aromanticism and think you would find home in the community? Do identify as aro then. Or as arospec, identities like quoiromantic exist just for people with that confusion. Worst thing that can happen, you’re going to change your label somewhere down the line, and there’s nothing wrong with that at all.

[aro-is-gay-af]

The Midnight of Despair | Volturi Kings x fem!reader | Part 3

I reckon, that if you’re reading Part 3, then you know two previous ones. In case you didn’t read them yet: Part 1 | Part 2

Thank you for all warm words and praise! It means world to me. 

I also love this series, folks! I need to admit, I did get addicted to it a little, so I thought it’d be great to set updates schedule. It won’t be precise, but you can expect another part roughly in two weeks time from now. 

As per usual, sorry for any confusion and grammatical mistakes. 

Warnings: Rape (mentioned), Depression, PTSD, Forced Pregnancy, Blood

Word count: 6200

No summary this time. Also, this one has very sweet parts in it!!!

ENJOY!

The next day, you had your appointment with the doctor. A doctor was apparently a woman and you were sure the kings were paying her something extra for the visit to be immediate. Unfortunately, she didn’t know any English, as she was a local gynaecologist. Your mates didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable in any way, so before the visit, Aro asked you, who you’d like to be the translator for you.

The ideal situation would be a woman, but you didn’t trust anyone in the castle, except the kings. For this reason, your first shot was Aro, as he had already seen your memories. There was nothing that would shock him, you also didn’t need to hide anything from him and you knew, he was the best at dealing with others. You figured it’d be an ideal solution and you had to admit to yourself that you simply wanted him to accompany you.

The whole visit took place in your room, which meant a lot of carrying the necessary equipment, but more mental comfort for you. In those two days, you managed to get quite settled in and didn't want to leave the castle. You felt safe and secured in your suite. Kings seemed to notice that, as it was Marcus, who proposed, it would be a great idea to have an appointment without the need of leaving your room.

While you both were waiting for the doctor to come, it was the first time you had seen Aro with brown eyes. He looked really out of place. You shared this thought with him, by saying you prefer when his eyes are normal. That’s what it took. Two days, to consider red eyes normal. As usual, he was polite and revealed to you that he also hated the colour, let alone the lenses.

When the doctor finally arrived, you were already a nervous wreck. Aro tried to distract you, asking questions mainly about your house in Forks and whether you had already spoken to Bella about family heirlooms. He succeeded for a while, but it couldn't last forever, could it?

The lady was extremely kind and gentle. The truth was, it was hard to hide how stressed you were about this visit. You didn't want anyone to touch you, not when you weren't ready, and this time you definitely weren't. Despite the doctor's initial efforts, you were unable to shake her hand in greeting. She only smiled sadly, as if understanding perfectly what you were going through. Aro assured you beforehand, for he had not told her anything and only if you wanted to, you should share your trauma with her.

The doctor, seeing your nervousness, decided that you should talk first. While she asked you questions, you noticed that she chose her words carefully and only then did you realise that she was also stressed, but in her case it was probably Aro's presence that made her uncomfortable. Although Aro tried not to impose his presence on her, you understood why it might overwhelm the doctor. You felt confident being in the same room with Aro, while she probably sensed danger, even if she could not rationally explain it to herself. You promised yourself that you would try to learn at least the basics of Italian before the next visit.

She needed to ask you about exactly everything since, unfortunately, you didn't have any medical records with you - neither from the obduction, nor from the subsequent visit to the doctor, where you confirmed the pregnancy. You made a mental note to tell Bella about it, so she could send your documents, along with the things she was supposed to take from your house.

Aro was great in his translator role. Of course, you were still looking at the doctor, while answering the questions, but Aro’s voice, at least, soothed your shattered nerves just a little bit. When the questions started to get more complicated or more intimate, Aro used such words as to not make you feel uncomfortable, while still conveying the meaning.  The more difficult part started, when you had to describe the situation from the hospital and how long it took for the bleeding to stop. Every word seemed linked to a particular image or smell from that night, until finally, you were unable to say anything at all.

The doctor was very understanding, probably having already guessed what exactly was your weird behaviour all about. You didn't say anything directly, you only described the situation from the hospital and then told her the details of this strange bleeding after the rape. Mainly because the doctor was very concerned about it. She explained to you that it was definitely not normal, even if you had wounds inside.

The worst part, however, was the examination. You didn't even want to think about whether you would have to undress, but it turned out to be unnecessary. The doctor had a great intuition, even if she herself was under a bit of stress. You told her that, indeed, you had been to the check-up before and that was how you found out you were pregnant. And that the doctor then checked if all the wounds had healed. The lady didn’t discuss the issue, for which you were very grateful.

After the interview, the doctor told you to lie down on the bed and only pull your blouse up, high enough for your belly to be visible. You didn't feel comfortable with this, but you preferred this way to undressing from the waist down. This was the first time you didn't feel comfortable lying on that bed. You knew that once the visit was over, everything would return to normal, but it wasn’t meant to become a memory you would return to with pleasure.

As it turned out, your first trimester was long over. The pregnancy was about 14 weeks old and that would explain the slight curving of your belly. Before the appointment, you were not sure if you would even look at the monitor to see the baby, but you did. You could not deny yourself this. The room fell silent and you could not tell what you were feeling.

The doctor pulled out some kind of a strange device and after a moment, you could hear the baby's heart. You glanced in the direction of Aro, who was obviously alarmed by your face. You grimaced, too overwhelmed to say anything to him. Up until this point, you were sure that the decision, if you should terminate the pregnancy or not, would be fairly easy. Now, you were certain that nothing in your life could be simple enough.

 *

 Over the next few weeks, your day usually looked the same or similar, yet you managed to do something completely different every day. You were glad you had so much to do, because you didn't have time to think about what had happened. You didn't want to analyse it over and over again. The kings respected your choice - unless you yourself mentioned the traumatic events, not a single insinuation or implication about it fell from their lips.

Your days were filled with various activities. Every day you spent at least some time with each king in private - you knew you needed this to create and strengthen your bond. To keep you from being inundated with information, you learned something new from each of them about vampires and their lifestyle. After all, it was supposed to become your lifestyle in the nearest future. You discovered that thinking about your transformation caused you far less anxiety, than any memory associated with rape. Even after you learned that it more or less consisted of burning alive for a few days.

During your time with the kings, you tried not to show the insecurity you had acquired about your body, and yet, you were sure they knew anyway. However, the time spent with them was what you treasured most. With each of them you did something different, as you wanted to know what they like to do in their free time. Marcus, as he had promised on the first day, taught you Italian for two hours every day. It was not easy, but after a few weeks of intensive course and communicating in broken Italian, not only with Marcus, but also with the other two, you were able to maintain basic conversation.

Marcus was a great teacher, but that wasn’t the only reason why you loved spending time with him. He was the one who had the most time for you - he wasn't as busy as Aro or Caius, and besides, he had countless amounts of patience. He wasn't tired of your constant questions, not only about vampirism, but also about his past. You would often sit for hours in the library or in the gardens, which, by the way, were breathtaking. You both loved books and your only regret was that you weren't able to read most of their vast collection. Marcus assured you, you would have all eternity to do so. You could talk with him endlessly, as these conversations were truly effortless – even the most difficult topics seemed simple and uncomplicated.

You were surprised to learn about a gift of his. Your human mind was unable to comprehend it in the full sense of the word. Mostly because of this, he was the one to explain to you, what your bond even was and how exactly it worked. You have learned that after your transformation, you will feel the bond even more strongly. It is not often that one person has as many as three matches and is able to feel the bond while being human. Marcus explained to you that for now, both your mind and body are only subconsciously sensing the presence of the mates, as it’s impossible for human senses to do anything else.

It was so remarkable to you that you discussed it for hours. You also learned that the bond can be broken, as it is not forced in any way. However, this would be emotionally painful and very few vampires would choose to take such a desperate step.

One afternoon you were spending time in the garden again. You loved being outdoors, but for your own safety you did not go outside the castle grounds. Together, you decided that it would be safer to do only after your transformation. Besides, you didn't want to go anywhere. You were safe under the watchful eye of your mates and Renata, who, apart from the time spent with the kings and in your room, followed you in a constant manner.

The gardens were gorgeous and you wondered, who was taking care of all those magnificent flowers. You were strongly convinced that this was exactly what Eden might have looked like. You and Marcus had your favourite bench. You spent a lot of time outside, especially on sunny days. When you first found out why sitting in the sun might be a problem, you couldn't take your eyes off Marcus. He shimmered brilliantly, but your eyesight couldn't stand it for too long, because of the blinding effect. The gardens, however, were fenced off and inaccessible to the common passer-by, so you were safe to stay, as long as you wanted to.

“I asked Aro recently, if vampires can be killed in some way,” you began cautiously, not wanting to scare him away from this conversation. No one had talked to you about it, however, it still crossed your mind what state Marcus was in when you first saw him. You were willing to swear you looked exactly the same after your mother died. Now, knowing what all the mating bond was about, you were convinced that Marcus had lost someone dear to his heart.

As per usual, he smiled gently at you.

“I'm sure his answer was sufficient, my dear. What are you aiming at?” he asked, looking at you obliquely.

You took his hand in yours. With Marcus, physical contact was as easy as a conversation. He, however, never initiated any touch. He waited for you, just like he was waiting now, to reach for his hand or gently grasp his arm. The only movement he allowed himself was to stroke your hair every now and then, but only when he was absolutely sure you were willing.

“I wanted to ask what happens to the bond, when the vampire…is no longer here,” you said bluntly, not taking your eyes off him. Your understanding was unique. Marcus was gentle in manner, patient and extremely caring towards you. In no way did you want to ruin, what you had built over those few weeks.

His smile turned into one of the saddest you've seen on his face. By the time he answered, you regretted asking at all. You didn't want to cause him pain. You squeezed his fingers in your palm.

“Until you came to Volterra, I was sure that a vampire could only experience this special, unique bond once in a lifetime. I did experience it, yet this story does not have a happy ending,” he said, with utmost sadness in his voice.

Your heart ached, as you watched his suffering and grief. You had asked the question unnecessarily, but now there was no turning back. You continued to stroke his fingers, holding his hand securely in yours.

“When one of the vampires connected by mating bond dies, it does not mean that the bond disappears. It exists, but only on one side. It cannot be cherished, it cannot be repaired in any way. It isn’t reciprocated. What remains are the memories, and they are the only reminder of what the bond really meant, when it existed,” he explained in a distressed voice, slowly and carefully.

Holding his hand, you laid your head on his shoulder and sighed heavily.

“I'm so sorry this happened to you,” you whispered after a moment, feeling tears stinging under your eyelids. Even now, you couldn't imagine losing any of them and you couldn't possibly envision the amount of pain Marcus had gone through.

He embraced you carefully and gently hugged you to his side.

"Don't fret over it, cara. I've made my peace with it. However, that doesn't mean I've forgotten. I still miss her, after all these years," he said with longing in his voice, stroking your shoulder gently.

After a long moment of silence, you were in a genuinely poor condition. Tears dripped down your cheeks and your breathing quickened. Not only because of the pain Marcus must have gone through, but also because of your own yearning. You had come to terms with the death of your parents, but you missed them so much. You wanted to have them at least a little longer. Now, standing on the verge of immortality, you wished you had spent more time with them.

Marcus placed a kiss on your hair.

“Sob it out, dear. Nothing helps the soul more than honest tears,” he whispered, and you were ashamed, because you should be the one providing comfort for him. However, the memories were too fresh and you couldn't hold it back.

Once you had calmed down a bit, he handed you a handkerchief to wipe away your tears.

“I wish I could change my memories. Even if it was only for a brief moment to be able to forget that I will never see them again. To be able to forget what this…this monster did to me,” you whispered, snuggling tighter into his shoulder.

You heard his sigh and his embrace around your shoulder tightened.

“You have been terribly abused, cara. No one deserves such a fate. The most important thing now, is to get on with life. Our loved ones would not want us to dwell on their deaths,” he said, as wise and thoughtful, as ever. The hatred towards your abuser was palpable in Marcus’s voice.

“You are so good to me. I don't deserve this,” you whispered after a while, your voice swollen with emotion. He only smiled indulgently.

“You deserve the very best, dear. I've already lost one mate. I won't let anyone hurt you.”

“I’m sure she would be proud of you,” you said with compassion, after another moment of silence.

“I’m not quite certain about that,” he said, placing another kiss on the top of your head.

But you were sure. You were also sure, you would do anything to prevent Marcus from experiencing something like this again. You knew all too well the taste of grief.

 *

 You truly had little time to think about the rape and pregnancy at all. If you weren’t with Marcus, it was Caius who loved to kidnap you, so he could spent some private time with you. Caius was the complete opposite of Marcus – absolute chaos, you could say. You had no idea how the brothers even got along. You had already noticed that Marcus rarely spoke, while Caius was rather impulsive and liked to discuss things in detail. However, until you started spending time alone, you had no idea what he was really passionate about.

It turned out that his greatest passion was art. He would show you countless paintings he himself had painted throughout the centuries. He could talk for hours about types of paint and how to mix colours properly. Although you were not very good at painting, you tried to learn a little with Caius’ help. When he was alone with you, he was still abrupt and impulsive, but in a charming way. He never imposed himself on you and you discovered that annoying him was really great fun. So banter and frequent teasing were the order of the day.

You often spent afternoons and evenings with Caius. He taught you how to paint, but not only. Art history was his passion and you loved to listen to him tell stories. His voice was mesmerising and hypnotic. He also eagerly answered all your questions about vampire race. You listened about the horrible children of the moon and how Caius singlehandedly had almost slaughtered them all. He warned you that after the transformation you would be violent and impulsive, that you would have nothing on your mind but to satisfy your thirst. This frightened you slightly, but at times when things got weird or dangerous, Caius assured you that you would always have full support of your mates. You never doubted that. You knew they would help you to grow accustomed to your new life.

Caius loved every variety of art you could name. When he asked you for permission to sculpt you, you were so surprised that you made a strange sound. He said that, of course, he wasn't going to overstep your boundaries and you yourself would choose some beautiful casual attire, so he could portray your beauty in sculpture. All you had to do was dress once as he asked and stand in the right pose. He remembered every detail of your posture, including your facial expressions. Often, he would sculpt you, while you would talk about insignificant things also learning how to sculpt...well, things that didn't resemble anything. Yet, you wanted to be as good as he was.

You were in your nineteenth week, when he invited you for a long painting session. His studio was huge and consisted of nothing but breathtaking works of art. You were decorating some random sculpture that you had never seen before. Caius also loved contemporary art, so you could go wild. Taking classes with him was better, than any therapy. You could smear paint on everything - the canvas, the sculptures, yourself, and even him, because he was usually in a good mood and you could enjoy it. He never showed you even a trace of anger, and you, fooling around with him like that, were genuinely pleased and happy.

When you finished, the room looked rather bad, not to mention the clothes or your hair. Caius would never have appeared that way to the guards, let alone on trial, but with you it was different.

“I wanted to show you something,” he said, wiping the paint off your cheek.

You took his hand. Caius, like Marcus, did not invade your personal zone, unless you specifically gave permission. However, carnality and touch were important to him, and so, once you were more comfortable in his presence, he liked to show you affection by stroking your cheek or your back, and intertwining his fingers with yours, when you held hands. You didn't mind his cold skin – by now you were accustomed to it, as three of them had similar body temperature. You were the hottest here. Literally.

You walked slowly to another room.

“I didn't tell you, but I finished craving” he said, and you could hear the excitement in his voice. You smiled at him. That was the main reason why you had agreed to have yourself sculpted in the first place. You wanted to get close to him on a level, which was inaccessible to do in any other way.

“Before you show me, will you tell me as to where you even got the idea of carving me?” you asked, amused. Caius was much taller than you, you had to slightly lift your head to look him straight in the eye.

At first, he smiled archly, but immediately his smile softened. He pulled at the material that covered the sculpture, so that it fell to the floor. You were simply speechless. The woman, who stood opposite to you was over four metres tall. The sculpture was made of marble and the woman looked, as if she was an actual person. There was something elusive about her. Her face, thoughtful yet serene, her hair flowing freely over her shoulders onto her back. She was clad in a fine fabric that flowed in waves down to her bare feet. She looked nothing like you and yet, you two looked exactly alike.

You had no idea that you started crying. The woman was beautiful. You could feel the power and dignity emanating from her, and on the other hand, she seemed to you as if... fragile and ephemeral. Caius had captured in this sculpture all the feelings you had been feeling, without even knowing it.

You felt his hand on your cheek, his fingers gently wiping away your tears along with some paint, which remained on your face.

“I thought I would like you to see yourself through my eyes. Exactly as I see you – without a single flaw, yet with all your imperfections. I don't want you to be unable to look at yourself, because of what this animal did to you. I don't see it. I only see you, [Y/N]. The real you. Beautiful and fragile, yet powerful, without inhibitions or scruples. Capable of anything.”

The words were trapped in your throat. You wanted to say something, but you were sure, that as soon as you were going to open your mouth, uncontrollable sob would come out. You looked first at Caius, then at the woman carved in marble, then back at Caius. He only smiled gently.

“Who we are – we decide that ourselves. No one else does. To me, you are beautiful. Pure. Never think otherwise, dolcezza.”

Without warning, you hugged him so hard, that it hurt. You forgot that his skin was different from yours. He embraced you without hesitation, even though you were all covered in paint. You wept, cuddling into his chest, as he soothingly stroked your hair and back.

Once you had slightly calmed down, you looked up at him. His blond hair looked like a halo over his head. He amazed you in every sense of the word.

“Thank you. Thank you for letting me see this,” you whispered poignantly, and then went straight back to hugging him.

“There's nothing to thank you for, my lovely [Y/N]. I would like you to accept yourself as you are. Because you are truly magnificent.”

 *

 The only person you talked straightforward about pregnancy was Aro. Was it because of his gift? Most likely, and you simply felt you could trust him. From the moment you first found yourself in his arms, the bond between you two only strengthened. Also, a memorable visit from the doctor was also significant, and then, together with him, you went through the documents that Bella had sent you. To say he was furious, was an understatement. Yes, Aro saw your memories, but the reports were written from a third-person perspective. And the other evening was really awful – you couldn't stop crying because you couldn't block out the flow of memories.

You were close with each other; close enough for you to try to overcome your insecurities, to talk about how you really felt about this whole situation you found yourself in. It was far from easy, but Aro was a really patient specimen. In the course of these talks, you discussed practically everything. You knew that every scenario had to be worked out and discussed, because there were many different options of the outcome.

Despite many conversations, you were still unsure about keeping the baby. You didn't know if you wanted to, if you would be able to raise it and then tell it that it would forcibly have to become a vampire. After the doctor's appointment, things did not get any easier for you. You heard the heart and knew that the child was not to blame for its father’s actions. You were raped, but this child had nothing to do with it.

So you waited. You waited for a miracle to decide for you or for the baby to move when you were thinking of having it removed. It’d be a sign not to do it. However, nothing of the sort was happening and fate was not deciding for you. Aro convinced you that, even if you decided to have an abortion, there was nothing wrong about it. No one would blame you for it. The only person to blame here, was the monster who raped you.

You hadn't decided what you would do about the pregnancy, but you and Aro knew what would happen, if something went wrong. For your mates, it was your health and life that came first. Aro assured you of that a thousand times over. Because of this, if anything went wrong with the birth or if there were any complications, you were to be changed immediately. Also because of this, Aro talked to you about all aspects of your transformation. He was the one who introduced you to what transformation actually looks like. He didn't scare you with the pain you were about to go through, but only gave you the facts. Facts that you needed to know.

When you weren't talking about such serious matters, Aro also loved to spend time talking to you, but about different topics. He seemed to know all your thoughts, but you were still able to surprise him. He explained to you, that the human mind was more disordered and chaotic, than vampire one and that he certainly didn't see everything. Your brain chose the memories, often associated with strong feelings and emotions, which were meant to be remembered. You were joyful about this, because you could talk endlessly and he kept finding out something new about you. And you kept finding something new about him. You knew from the first moment that he was extraordinary, and the more you talked, the more you became certain about it.

Besides, Aro adored dancing. You were not convinced about this form of activity, but it was the intimacy of this act that convinced you. In his arms, no one was able to hurt you. You felt safe and, after many attempts, quite confident in your movements. He literally beamed, being able to teach you to dance and to be so close to you. You found nothing in his eyes but the infinite adoration he had for you. When you found out the reason behind this, your heart almost broke with sorrow and compassion.

“I must confess something to you, cara mia,” he whispered, holding you securely in his arms. It was evening, you had long since been prepared for sleep. He found your long nightgown to his liking, when he came to check how you were doing and if you needed anything. You rested your head on his shoulder. There was no music, he was the one giving the rhythm to your movements, yet it was the most wonderful dance you had yet had the chance to dance with him.

“Do tell, please,” you said, trying not to lose the rhythm. You were tired, as throughout the day you sorted through the things Bella sent you from Forks. In addition, you worked with Marcus to sell your house, because you were, after all, a little concerned about what hands your family home would pass into.

“I have been bound over the centuries to both men and women. My ex-wife, Sulpicia, whom you know and, to the best of my knowledge, whom I permitted to leave, was my faithful companion, basically from the beginning of my immortality. However, until now, I did not know what it meant to have a true mate.”

He tilted you gently, wishing to look into your eyes. You continued to sway to a non-existent rhythm, completely oblivious to your surroundings. You furrowed your brows.

“Are you serious?” you asked in a whisper, not wanting to ruin the moment. The light emanating from the candles, illuminated half of his face. He smiled, and you were unable to take your eyes off his red irises.

“Yes, my dear. I have waited over three thousand years for you. I must tell you, that I could wait another three millennia, only to see your beautiful face,” he said affectionately, holding you tighter against him to stroke your flushed cheek with his fingers.

Your eyes welled up with tears and he slowly bent down and kissed your forehead.

“That's enough for today, cara mia. You must rest well. Caius has something planned for tomorrow, but he didn't want to reveal what, under any circumstances,” he said amused, giggling under his breath. You loved when Aro was in a good mood, because then you were in a good mood too. Before he walked you to bed, he wiped away your tear. You squeezed his hand in yours, then climbed onto the bed. He covered you carefully with a duvet and stroked your hair.

“I'm glad I came here,” you whispered, looking into his eyes. “I never want to leave you,” you said with force. He smiled softly at you and stroked your hair once more.

“We will always be by your side, [Y/N]. Good night, cara.”

His voice so soft and tuneful that as soon as he snuffed out the candles, you drifted off to sleep in an instant.

 *

 Apart from the fact that almost everything was going great and your mental state was in constant improvement, your relationship with Bella had severely worsened. In the beginning you talked every evening. She still couldn't understand why you were selling the house and why you wouldn't, at least, want to visit Forks. After a while, you got fed up with explaining it to her. There were an awful lot of things she wasn't happy about and she didn't hide it. She kept criticising the Volturi without knowing them and having no idea, what they were actually doing.

You loved her like a sister, but because of that, she could annoy you exactly like one. Because of her pinching remarks and your lack of patience, you called each other less and less. You didn't want to keep getting annoyed and you were tired of explaining things to her. Besides, you didn't like that she didn't say a single good word about your mates. You at least tried to accept Edward. Suddenly, what he did to her was all forgotten and you couldn't understand it. You didn't know, what was happening to your sister and your stay in Italy didn’t exactly make things better. You still hoped that once you saw each other after the transformation, you would be able to explain it all to one another. You didn't want to lose Bella, the last person you considered family.

So you talked less and less or not at all, and when you did, you avoided difficult and sensitive topics. It was not like with Bella at all and it made you anxious. You were at ease with each other, almost always, and you didn’t get why she was so bitter and hateful towards your knew, chosen life. Especially, because partially your presence right then, in the trial chamber, was the reason for her to be alive at all.

Shortly after Caius presented you with your sculpted self, you were to spend the whole day together, the four of you. These were the days you loved the most. Although you cherished the time spent with each of your mates separately, the presence of all three put you in an ecstatic mood. You usually spent your afternoons like this – there were still a lot of things to do and solve, and a lot of trials to carry out.

Being in Volterra for so long, you learned a lot about the existing laws and how to enforce them. You knew that kings were not flawless, but it was logical to you that keeping the entire vampire world in line, required some sacrifices. Some greater than the other ones.

You usually sat down in the study, where you had ended the very first day, at a round table. You listened to the discussions and arguments, but also just spent time with your mates. You often sat on Aro's lap or tried to calm Caius down, when he became too agitated.

You were extremely excited since the morning, because they promised you a whole day outside. It wasn't often that all three of them wanted to spend time with you in the gardens, so you couldn't restrain your exhilaration. However, there were also days, or rather moments, when, under any circumstances, you could not leave your room. Such a moment was to occur today, after breakfast. You slept for a long time, almost until eleven o'clock. When you ate your breakfast, it was Renata who informed you that it was time to eat. Of course, you knew what it was about.

The only situation, in which you could not leave your chamber, was at lunchtime. Not yours, though, but the lunchtime of all the vampires, who inhabited the castle. For your own safety, usually for about two hours, you were not to leave and to occupy yourself with whatever you wanted. The only two hours, in which Renata or anyone else was not around you. Not many people knew about your stay in the castle and because of this, the kings decided that Renata should eat with the rest of the company.

You did not consider it strange in the slightest. Of course, you tried not to think about the fact that people would die, but you knew that they were chosen at random. Which meant that they could just as well have been run over by a car or they could have died in a fire. You did not think about it. You were just enjoying your two hours of freedom. Sometimes you sunbathed on the balcony, prepared your outfit or just played on the computer. These were little things that still reminded you of being human.

This week, when Renata told you that she would be gone for a while, you were already enjoying a long soak in the bathtub. The home spa was one of the favourite things you and your mum liked to do together. You poured hot water into the tub, applied a mask that you had prepared yourself with a few ingredients and relaxed.

Since you had no idea when, you were no longer afraid to look in the mirror. Sure, your body shape was far from ideal, but at least you weren’t terrified to look. You weren’t terrified to acknowledge that, yes, your body was raped, but you were recovering from it. And that you started to think that your body didn’t cause any of this.

After some time you spent in the bathtub, you felt a little dizzy. It wasn’t exactly a good sign, so you figured it’d be wise to get out of the tub. When you rinsed yourself off with clean water, you stood up, and that was the moment of terror. The room immediately started spinning, like you were on roundabout for the last forty minutes. You felt nauseous, but there was nothing near you to which you could cling to. You managed to step out of the tub, on the marble step, and then you felt it. Pain, excruciating pain, suffocation. Streams of blood went down your legs and before you fell onto the ground, you could only see white marble floor all covered in sanguineous blood.

[cobalt-knave]

Some of my favorite Gerry Keay fics.

we all think we’re too young to die by seasonallyappropriategoth

Gerry dyes his hair in a gas station bathroom while on the hunt with Gertrude and is doing poorly health-wise. Dark and very well-done.

I'll try to talk refined by acetheticallyy (judesstfrancis)

Jon/Gerry. Coffee shop AU & ghost AU. No one ever expects the alleged ghost haunting their place of work to be real. No one ever expects said ghost to be oddly very charming, either. Sometimes, though, things just happen.

Life Preserver by PitViperOfDoom

Jon/Gerry. AU where the pair of them meet while Jon is in university. Truly excellent. (I also did the illustration for the Rusty Quill Big Bang). Admittedly, Jon has been known to make impulsive decisions. Taking a part-time job at the campus library on his last year of university. Going in after dark to check on a book. Putting the lighter in his pocket. Asking out the cute goth who, as far as he knows, narrowly avoided a brush with a Leitner. Gerry told himself it was only going to be one date, just to see what it was like. How was he supposed to know he'd get attached?

your heart sings like a kettle by takingyournarrative

Gerry & Michael. I'd nearly forgotten about this fic, but just rereading its summary brought to mind an imagined smell of delicate blueberry tea. A story that is as aromatic as it is aromantic. The old doubt resurfaced for a moment — love was tricky to untangle, and he couldn’t deny anymore that that was what he was feeling. But then Gerry was sitting down opposite him and he felt warm and he didn’t want anything more than this, really, so he knew it was friendship and suddenly he felt so comfortable he almost forgot to tell Gerry what kind of tea he had so meticulously made. in which an aro teaseller and an aro bookburner tell stories, brew and drink ridiculously complicated teas, and get a good grade in kissing the homies (something that's normal to want, and ever so possible to achieve).

The Reminiscences of Martin Blackwood, Post Mortem by AuralQueer

Jon/Martin, Martin & Gerry. Historical AU. While not the focus, one of the absolute highlights of this fic is the Martin & Gerry friendship that left me yearning for more fic with that pair.

Martin Blackwood is a reporter for The Observer newspaper. He’s a normal enough man, and he’d like to keep it that way. He doesn’t have much reason to suspect anything too far out of the ordinary when he heads down to University College Hospital on a hunch to visit the man who may or may not be dead. The man’s name is Jonathan Sims: a failed academic by all accounts, though what he’d been doing before the explosion that threw him into a six month coma is at the mercy of baseless public speculation. Now he’s lying in an empty ward with no heartbeat, dreaming. It seems like enough to fill a slow news day. A Victorian AU. Herein lies artistic licence, ghosts, and the slowest burn you ever did see.

ludus by bluejayblueskies

Jon & Gerry Queerplatonic relationship.

Gerry generally doesn’t frequent pubs like this one, where the wooden table in front of him is sticky enough that his glass pulls slightly against his grip as he lifts it before it unsticks with a wet ripping noise. The pub is a small, dirty thing, aptly named The Rusty Bucket, and apparently, it’s the venue for trivia night every Thursday, of which Jon and his friends are regulars. Gerry’s never met Jon’s friends. But he supposes there’s a first time for everything.

Children of Dust and Shadow by IceEckos12

Jon & Gerry. Post-Season 5 in an...interesting way. This is truly one of the best Magnus fics I've ever read. It has an extremely interesting and unique platonic relationship, the sort of which I've only every seen in Kindred (Very different overall tone, but the similarity is structural, if that makes sense. A similar sort of travel with a very different story.)

"Cut the tether," Jon said, as the world fell apart beneath his fingertips. "Send them away." And so Martin did. But that was not the end of it. Mere seconds later, Jon appeared out of nowhere in front of a small boy with red hair and wide, grey eyes. That boy's name was Gerry Keay.

No God-like Powers of Love, Hope, or Indigestion by TheBrilliantLoser

Jon & Gerry. Canon Divergence AU. It is exactly what it says on the tin in the best way and part of a fun series, which does become Jon/Gerry later on. Jonathan Sims panics under pressure and ends up picking up an unexpected spectral souvenir from his trip to America. Gerry Keay gets a new lease on life he didn't expect, or want. Canon divergence. Friendly ghost possession.

Bailey School Kids by verboseDescription

Gerry & OCs. Canon divergence Gerry lives AU. If it hadn’t been for the fact they had the same oncologist, Kira would think their new roommate was a vampire. And okay, sure, maybe being a cancer survivor didn’t automatically mean you couldn’t be a vampire too, but why wait until your tumor was gone to become immortal? Personally, Kira thought Gerry seemed like the kind of person who would be more concerned with keeping his long hair than being cancer-free. Basil thinks he's just mafia. Or: you either die a cursed book, or you live long enough to become someone's weird cryptid roommate.

Ash and Gold by laughs_in_distortion

Gerry & Francis. 3 sentence fic. Bad dye jobs, intimacy, and snarking.

I'm dying, send Gerry fic recs

[icollectyoursins]

Jotaro Relationship Head Canons SFW

Because I’m a self indulgent little shit and just love to ignore all of the work I have to do, have some Jotaro head canons. I am but a humble simp, and love this man. So much.

Update as of writing this. Somehow, it got very angsty, so... yeah. Sad man vibes. Also rambly. I just kinda kept going.

Wanna know what I’m willing to write? Rules here!

Have a character, but no idea? Prompt list here!

Looking for more? Master post here!

WARNINGS: None, just angst, but nothing too serious.

Word Count: 2,985

Jotaro’s type is... I mean, it depends, like most people. I don’t think he’s super picky over appearances or things like that, it’s more whether or not he gets along with you and how long he can put up with you.  He’s polite (well, as polite as he can be) and courteous, but probably a little more apathetic when you’ve first met. Once you’ve been around for a while he’s more relaxed and almost a little more critical. Mostly because you’re his friend now and he expects more from his friends.

While I was writing this I sort of realized that he could be aromantic. Maybe it’s just my own aro tendencies coming through, but I thought it sort of lined up with his personality. Or at least from my experience with romantic attraction.

Eventually, though, he’ll admit he cares about you a little more than he cares about others. It comes through in little almost compliments. “You did good. Keep it up” or “good job, dealing with this” are common phrases that sound nice on the surface, but it almost feels like he’s trying to pressure you to do more, which is far from the truth.  

If it’s not awkward compliments like that, it’s awkward gifts. Always something you had briefly mentioned wanting or stared at a minute longer than you usually do, wrapped in a paper that’s your favourite colour or pattern. Sometimes, though, it’s something you’ve never mentioned that he somehow guessed would be something you wanted.

At the same time, though, he’s oblivious or at least acts like he is. There may be times when he goes home after you said something exceptionally sweet to him or that just means so much and he’ll just take a moment sitting at his desk to mull over what you said.

    With a grunt, Jotaro rolled back into the armchair with a cup of tea in one hand and today’s newspaper in the other, since he didn’t get to read it this morning. It’s late with the sun almost completely set, giving his room an orange hue. He tries reading the first column, something about a cat being saved from a sewer grate, but after about a minute, he catches himself drifting away, sort of staring blankly at the paper.

    He blinks hard, taking a long sip from his coffee. He must be tired. Another attempt is made at reading, this time the comics. They’re not his favourite thing, but short enough that he can focus on them. Or so he thought.

    He zones out again, face suddenly feeling very hot.

    He was thinking about you. Or, rather what you said.

    It was something so simple, so mundane.

    You had been talking about family together, exchanging drama, if you will, and he had brought up how his father had left his mother when he was very young. It didn’t bother him, he had said, after all, it was years ago and if he was being honest, he didn’t really need a father. Then, you gave him this look. It wasn’t pity or something like that. You put your hand on his knee, staring deep into his eyes.

    “Jotaro,” you said, voice soft and sweet. You struggled to say the next words, opening your mouth, sighing, then finally: “I’m not leaving you.”

    “Why would you be leaving?” He said, confused, taking it literally. Or, he pretended to be confused. It had made his heart warm with affection.

    What Jotaro hadn’t noticed at that moment was that his eyes seemed to gloss over with wet tears while talking about his father. He wasn’t over it, you understood that. How could he be? He was so young then, he probably didn’t understand what was happening or why and now that he’s a father himself, there had to be so much guilt about being the same way. It was only now that he was realizing how much you had an effect on him.

    It didn’t make him sad, by any means but... loved. He’ll say thank you tomorrow with a gift or some flowers. He hadn’t planned on meeting you for the rest of the week because he was busy, but work could wait, right? Yeah. Tomorrow.

God, it would take so long for him to get you to move in together. He’s so used to living on his own that I think he’s a little self-conscious about it. He’s not a slob by any means, but certainly a bachelor. I mean, he lived (assumedly) on his own from probably around or earlier than DiU right up until Stone Free, so it’s been a while and he���s certainly comfortable with his mess of clothes lying on the floor in the corner, but you won’t be. He cleans up before people come over, obviously, but how many times did he actually invite someone in?

When you start staying around more, he starts cleaning more, which makes him a little frustrated both coming to terms with liking someone enough that he’s actively cleaning for them once a week and also discovering that he’s a lot more gross than he thought. You would not believe how stained the counter was from coffee or how gross the filter was on the coffee maker. He takes his coffee very seriously. You begin to notice how clean everything is, well, how consistently clean everything is and it even starts to smell nicer, more floral and fresh. He bought a lavender air freshener. “It’s supposed to be calming,” he’ll say with a hint of annoyance. It’s not a bad smell to him, better than vanilla air fresheners, but it does give him a headache when he first sprays his place. You seem to like it though, so he’s willing to put up with it.

I honestly believe this man can cook, but nervous when cooking for other people. His food when he was a bachelor was good enough for him and I’m sure Holly would have shown him a lot too, but it’s not the best food. He definitely steps up his game when you’re over and even more so when you move in. He’s better with dishes that have pasta or noodles because it’s easy, but he’s not too bad behind the grill either.

When you guys finally live together, he tries to keep the cooking even, with you cooking some days and him doing the rest, but I honestly feel like unless you are a hazard in the kitchen, you would do most of it.

Jotaro would be like that with most things around the house partly because he doesn’t want you to do all the work if you don’t want to but he enjoys having a little more time to himself to either do work or... yeah, it’s just work. There are a few things that he’ll never make you do because it’s either too hard or he’s built up a routine of doing that thing a certain way and he’s convinced no one else will do it right. Like his laundry. He won’t let anyone else clean his clothes. He tried once and nothing dried right, he swears that his jacket is still damp to this day. You can fold his stuff or hang it up, but he’s running the washing machine and dryer. Also picky about how his office is cleaned.

If you asked and gave a legitimate reason for not doing a certain chore, he’ll do it, but be prepared with an excuse as to why you can’t wash the dishes or fold the laundry. He’s especially resistant if he’s working whether that be gathering information for the Speedwagon Foundation or editing his latest Marine Biology book.

Actually, can we just talk about how much this man hates folding laundry? It’s so pointless to him. Why fold it and put it into neat little piles when you’re just gonna rummage through the drawer and mess everything up? Sure, it looks nice, I guess, but not for long. He was for sure a floordrobe kind of guy, especially in his early years. He knows which ones are clean, it’s fine, just leave it. Of course, he would get better the longer you’re at his place, but still. It’s not that he’s lazy, he’s just busy and putting clothes away takes way too fucking long. (which, honestly, agreed.)

Date nights with Jotaro are... rare. I mean, you live with him, why would he want to go out and pay for something when he could do the same thing at home? They’re nice, of course, but it’s more common for him to take you out to dinner while you guys are on vacation or in a location other than home, because he doesn’t feel like cooking and it’s more special when you’re supposed to go out. Eventually, it clicks in that you are supposed to make each other feel special and will surprise you with an expensive dinner or a short cruise. If you suggest the aquarium he’ll think you’re just saying that because he’s into aquatic wildlife, but honestly doesn’t put up much of a fight and will answer any questions you or anyone else has about the fish.

He does enjoy a good relaxing movie (or documentary) night at home, though. It’s so nice to finally be finished work, settle into your super comfy couch and just chill until he gets tired. Even better when you’re lying on top of him with your head just under his chin. There’s something so soothing about smelling your perfume, shampoo, conditioner, cologne, etc. To just smell you so close to him and feel your weight. Aaah. So nice.

    The microwave beeps faintly from the kitchen signalling that popcorn was done. You trailed out soon after, tossing the bowl to mix around the butter. You smile sweetly at him, leaning down to plant a gentle kiss on Jotaro’s lips before settling into his lap, nestling your head just under his while stretching out your legs. His arm instinctively moves from the back of the couch to drape over your back, rubbing circles into it with his thumb.

    He sighs; relaxed, finally. He allows himself to kiss your forehead, closing his eyes for a moment, just basking in your comfort. When he opens his eyes, he pulls you closer to him, feeling your heart beat almost in time with his. It was moments like these that eased his panic of losing you. You were here in his arms, safe and sound and vice versa. He was safe in yours.

Yeah, he’s a little angsty. But, can you blame him? He’s getting better, though. With help, of course. With you being around so often (and being very adamant that you’re not going anywhere) he’s able to let go a little. He’s not perfect, by a long shot and progress is slow, but it’s the little things like these that makes you proud of how far he’s come.

PDA is common, but a little restricted. When you’re out together, Jotaro’ll always have his hand on your back or shoulder. Hand-holding isn’t really a thing for him, but he will make sure you know he’s there. He’ll kiss you in public, but it’s not nearly as intimate or special as when you’re at home. Still, it’s a sweet reminder that he loves you, seeing as words of affection aren’t really his thing.

I mean, he can express himself just fine, but he still gets a little nervous saying things like ‘I love you.’ It’s more along the lines of ‘I care about you.’ Or, well. “of course, I care about you. You wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” Which... thanks. I think.

Kissing him is so nice, so you’re not too mad about him doing that instead of words. When Jotaro kisses you it’s full of a mix of emotions. Mostly caring, but on his rough days, there’s something else there. It could be worry or whatever the emotional equivalent of never letting you go is. You can always tell that he wants it to last a little bit longer. There’s something in the sad look in his eyes when he or you has to pull away. Sometimes he’s overly gentle like he’ll break you somehow, especially if you’re not a stand user or fighting-inclined (whether physical or otherwise). It’s not patronizing, or at least he tries not to be patronizing, he just prefers you safe.

    It started out simple enough. You and Jotaro were just sitting at the table, eating dinner when he got this... sinking sort of feeling. There was something in the silence between you that just sent his mind spiralling. Thoughts of you someday dying too soon for whatever reason or leaving him because he’s not there enough, stand users, car crashes, divorce. They all started to flood into his mind, fabricating that you would somehow be taken away from him.

    “Jotaro? Are you okay?” Your voice rings through; a bright light breaking the storm. He’s been staring at his plate for a while now, his eyes are dry and itchy. He looks at you and tries to say something, but the words don’t come. Is he okay?

    You stand up and walk over to him, cupping his face gently. You rub the dark circles under his eyes while kissing his forehead. Jotaro slowly wraps his arms around you, letting his face fall into your hands. You’re pulled into his lap after a few minutes, running your fingers through his hair next. Finally, he sighs, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

    “Thank you,” he mumbles and though you’re not quite sure why, you still say a quiet you’re welcome, silently soothing him through whatever happened.

If you couldn’t tell, he needs a lot of reassurance. Not so much words, but actions like the snippet above. I mean, he can be as strong as he wants but we all know he’s got some baggage and while he’s able to put it aside, for the most part, I think when you’re at home he’s just a little more vulnerable.

Now, onto happier things! If you like coffee or tea, he will always make you a cup in the morning. Jotaro is a very early riser except on the weekends, so he usually gets that done while reading or watching the news and when you come down, he’ll ask if you want breakfast then make it for you seeing as he’s more awake.

He loves coffee. So much. He might have a caffeine addiction, honestly. At all times of every day, you can see him with a black coffee in hand and a book or phone in the other. He will switch to decaf at some point, but you might have to switch it for him. He’s forgetful when he gets busy.

Sleeping in on the weekends is like heaven for him. The two nights (or more on holidays) that he gets a full nights rest, breakfast in bed and a warm soul to cuddle into. He’s usually big spoon with a hand just resting on your side, but please, for the love of god make him the little spoon once a week. Will never admit it or vocalize wanting it. He just grabs your hand and drapes it over him with a “good night” and then promptly passes out.

He’s a heavy sleeper but doesn’t sleep often. Once he’s out, there is nothing that could wake him up except the fire alarm or something like that. It just takes a while. Not because of trauma, but more just internal clock is delayed.

Not a bath guy, strictly showers ‘cause they’re quicker. Most of the time he’s in and out before you can invite him into yours. When you do he’s “reluctant” but showers with you are a favourite of his. He gets his hair washed for him (if he bends down), he can wash you. It’s great.

I don’t think he would want more kids. He’s getting older, busier and just doesn’t think he has the time to care for a baby, even with help. Plus, if they were anything like Joylne or god forbid him when he was younger, he might start greying sooner than he thought. Joylne is a great kid, but... she’s definitely got some of his defiance in him. One kid is fine.

He doesn’t really like pets either, hates when there’s fur on all the furniture. But, if you came home with a stray cat or two, he’s not gonna put up a fight if you say they’re not going to the pound. “Just as long as you take care of them yourself.”

You got him a betta fish once because Jotaro. Fish. Makes sense. He thought it was a little pointless at first. You can’t pet them or play fetch (not like he does those things anyway). All a fish does is sit there and look pretty. You were a little disappointed, but whatever, you’ll take care of it. Then he comes home one day with a 30-gallon tank, freshwater plants and fancy lighting to help them grow which he quietly sets up in the living room. He spent at least a half-hour deciding on where to put it.

A week later, after he’s pleased with how it looks and the tank has been cycled he puts in an order for more fish then lets your betta acclimate to the tank. “There, he’ll be happier in here. The idea of bettas not enjoying or panicking in larger tanks is a myth. He won’t be alone for long anyway. He also won’t kill everything in the tank.” Well, he hopes he won’t, each fish is different. Thankfully, the small school of tetras get along with your betta just fine. From then on, he’s in there once a week, cleaning everything, trimming the overgrowth. It is officially his tank.

[jessmalia]

Pevensie siblings sexuality headcanons

I know I’ve shared my headcanons about the Pevensies sexualities many times before, but I thought I’d actually write them down and go through why I headcanon them as I do, plus how I imagine their relationship with their sexuality is like. I’d also love to hear what you have to say about this! So don’t be shy to reply, wether you agree with me or not. All interpretations are valid. 

Also disclaimer, this isn’t very professionally written lol. It’s just the ramblings of a person who thinks way too much about fictional characters. 

Peter Pevensie – Pansexual

A lot of people say that Peter is really straight, which... like I get the line of thinking behind that but, no. Y’all should already know how much I ship him with Caspian. Just because he’s a classic, perfect hero, knight in shining armour type doesn’t mean he’s straight. I don’t even think he’s “the pinnacle of masculinity” like some people say he is. Sure, he inhabits a lot of traditionally masculine traits like strong will, leadership, protectiveness and so on but I think his soft feminine side gets overlooked. Like, he’s pretty in touch with his emotions and he doesn’t show any shame, forced stoic-ness or any other signs of toxic masculinity (unlike Edmund lol).

Therefor, I also don’t think he would have any problem accepting his sexuality. Ignoring the standards of 1940s England for a second, I think he’s just always known he feels attraction regardless of gender and has never felt any shame over it.

Susan Pevensie – Grayromantic

This one’s definitely the most underdog one, cause I haven’t seen anyone with the same headcanon, so I really wanna explain my line of thinking.

For those of you who don’t know, grayromantic is when you’re on the aromantic spectrum but not fully aro. So a grayromantic person may experience romantic attraction but more rarely (how much depending on the person) or only very specific traits/people do it for them. Graysexual is the same but with sexual attraction.

Firstly, I wrote grayromantic as a title just because I had to choose one pride flag for the picture, but I also think she’s graysexual, and when she does experience attraction I think it can be to any gender.

Susan being grayromantic really is just the vibe I got from her in the Prince Caspian movie. The scene with that boy in the beginning doesn’t just feel like she’s not interested, but has a distinct “you’re barking up the wrong tree, bro” vibe to it, which I think is a reason so many people headcanon her as a lesbian, which totally works too, but I see it more in an asexual/aromantic way.  

And then later with her romance with Caspian, I very much got the impression that she’s very surprised that she likes him so much. Like she did not expect to feel so attracted to him because she’s never been to anyone before. It’s strange and foreign too her but she welcomes it. It’s the same vibe I think a lot of people who interpret the Susan/Caspian romance as recognition the other is queer mistaken for attraction and/or queer platonic pick up on, because it really feels like you’re watching two lesbians fall in love for the first time lol. I think that is a perfectly valid interpretation, but I fully believe that Susan didn’t think she was capable of feeling romantic and sexual attraction, then when she liked Caspian she was confused at first because it was so new, but then when she realised what it was she welcomed it like “oh, I guess I do experience attraction sometimes”. And in a modern au I definitely see her liking the aspec label.

Edmund Pevensie – Bisexual

This one’s not that complicated. Edmund is my favourite, and I relate and project onto him a lot have talked about it before and I could go even more in depth about it forever but I don’t think anyone wants to hear that. Basically, I’m bisexual, therefor he is bisexual.

Plus, a lot of people also have this headcanon, so there’s definitely something more there than projection I think. I mean, we ARE very similar and since I’m bi, why wouldn’t he have the same vibes?

Edmund’s really the only one I think would have a problem accepting his sexuality at first again ignoring the standards of 1940s England. Like I hinted at in the Peter section, I think Edmund very much struggles with toxic masculinity when he’s young, specifically the LWW period. I think even back then he knew this about himself but wasn’t ready to accept it. I imagine that in Narnian culture they value softness and vulnerability way more, so they wouldn’t have the same dumb norms about masculinity, plus they definitely embrace same sex relationships. That coupled with how much he changed during the events of LWW I think made him totally ready to accept it. And of course his siblings would show nothing but love and support since they’re all queer too lol. 

Lucy Pevensie – Lesbian

I don’t even know how to describe it — she’s a lesbian what more do you want? It’s so obvious! Just look at the outfit she’s wearing in this picture! That’s a lesbian if I’ve ever seen one. It’s literally just the vibes, man. Picturing her with a guy feels so weird to me.

It’s also literally canon: “But as for Lucy, she was always gay and golden-haired” I know he meant gay as in happy but come on. 

As for her relationship with her sexuality, nothing describes it better than that she just loves being gay! She loves it! Wouldn’t trade it for the world! Modern AU Lucy definitely calls herself femme, and she makes gay jokes all the time. She’s definitely the sibling that talks about their sexuality most often. 

[joshuadunshua]

doesn’t the concept of “allosexual privilege” fall apart when applied to LGBT sexuality? it is quite literally illegal in many countries to have gay sex, we’re treated by conservatives like indecent and degenerate “groomers” just for existing, the representation/expression of same-sex sexuality in media is still heavily censored to this day… i could go on but i’m sure you get the point. the thing about “allonormativity” is that it isn’t “everyone should be having sex”, it’s “sex should be between a man and a woman, both white and able-bodied, in a monogamous and vanilla relationship”. and ANYONE who falls outside of that depiction of sexuality can feel alienated and punished by society, not just ace/aro people.

Respectfully, genuinely, two things.

The first being that you seem to presume I disagree with you on the concept that Allonormativity is bigger than “everyone should be having sex.” I’m assuming you didn’t take much of a look at my blog because I pretty specifically reblogged something like, yesterday, dealing with exactly that issue. Allonormativity and heteronormativity and amatonormativity and cisnormativity are all words picking out more specific pieces of the same concept—restrictive norms and normativity, general. I won’t go so far as to say that allonormativity requires that sex be with the “right person in the right way” (cisgender, heterosexual, PiV), because that’s very well addressed by heteronormativity, but there is something to be said about it requiring the “right amount” of sex (greater than 0, but less than a vaguely defined “too much”) and of course the expectation of sexual attraction and that attraction being acted upon. There are ways this entangles with aromanticism and alloromanticism, too, but I will focus here on the aspect I can personally speak to, which is asexuality. (But aros, know I’m formally including you in my analyses elsewhere.)

Which brings me to the second thing—intersectionality, it should go without saying (but never seems to when allonormativity is the topic) complicates things and compounds oppressions and changes the nature of oppression and oppressed experience. Just as a trans gay man experiences oppression differently than a cis gay man—no one would (no one who gets it, anyway) dare suggest the cis gay man isn’t oppressed. But his oppression will look different from a trans gay man. Allosexuality doesn’t magically override homophobia or something.

I will admit that a lot of people do have a hard time understanding how a “privileged group” can experience oppression uniquely according to their “privileged identity,” because for some reason we’ve taken intersectionality to refer only to those oppressed identities compounding on each other. But I would never even dare suggest that Black men do not experience oppression on the basis of their manhood—the racism they face is uniquely shaped by their being men. They still hold a privileged identity in the sense that they do not have sexism and misogyny to work against (assuming they’re cisgender—but that’s a whole conversation unto itself) whereas Black women do, but it would be entirely incorrect to suggest they see no oppressive forces that are uniquely tied to their being men—specifically Black men. We do not have perfect language to discuss this fact, so I hope I’ve explained my point here well enough to connect it to the question of allonormativity and allosexual privilege.

To bring that point all the way home, an allosexual gay cisgender non-disabled white man experiences homophobia, and that homophobia has been and can still be extremely deadly, and he is still absolutely oppressed for his sexual attraction to other men. I would never even begin to deny that. And, in the same way I described above, his experience of homophobic oppression will be inherently shaped by his privileged identities. This includes his being allosexual, and it also includes his being a man, and it also includes his being white, and so on. It’s not sufficient to point out that he doesn’t have to experience, for example, the compounded oppression of sexism and homophobia the way a lesbian woman does (this is true, but insufficient). The homophobia experienced by men is uniquely man-shaped. The homophobia experienced by cis men is uniquely cis-man-shaped. The homophobia experienced by allosexual cis men is uniquely allosexual-cis-men shaped. Ad infinitum. It doesn’t make it not homophobia.

But let’s go ahead and consider an asexual gay cisgender non-disabled white man, and we have now added another deviation from the “norm” to this experience. And where allonormativity will open him up to all the same evils of homophobia as the allosexual man (because allonormativity—and amatonormativity—is the basis upon which people will associate his being gay with his having gay sex regardless of whether or not that is even on the table for him, and for many homophobes, it remains that gay sex is the thing they object so passionately to), his asexuality complicates things further as he additionally experiences further and different marginalizing and oppressive forces due to his deviation from the normed experience (bonus points if he’s sex repulsed). And yeah, for him, as a gay asexual, this will look unique and likely very frequently take the form of lateral aggression (and I currently would suggest that it’s lateral aggression) in his own gay community. His experience of homophobia will be asexual shaped, and his experience of aphobia will be gay shaped; intersectionality, remember, is not Oppression + Oppression = 2 Oppression.

You see, the thing that makes theorizing and describing Allosexual privileges and allonormativity so complicated is the way heteronormativity is inherently implicated in allonormativity.

As a side note, I’m just a beginner (maybe moderate level at this point... but I hesitate to call myself that) to theory in the grand scheme of things; I still would say I have a lot to read and think about and deeply consider before I even begin to write theory on a formal level. I’m not saying I’m gonna be 100% on all points, and in fact being challenged on details will only help me move forward in carving out this idea further. Flat rejection or the notion of its existence based on specious or surface level recognitions of how things work, however, won’t. Main reason being: I’m asexual. I’ve been openly asexual for more than half of my life so far. I have listened to all kinds of asexual voices. We are seeing things and patterns in society and the makeup of power relations that allosexual people are, like any group that doesn’t experience a specific form of marginalization, unable to and disincentivized from seeing (I think immediately of Peggy McIntosh’s White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack for insight on this). My personal experiences as an asexual queer existing in allosexual queer and non-queer spaces aren’t going to be written off just because it’s unpleasant to become aware of a way in which you might have been unwittingly participating in oppression and marginalization. I won’t, frankly, allow for that to happen to me or to any of us.

So that being said, the fact that heteronormativity is inherently implicated in allonormativity (as well as, again, amatonormativity and cisnormativity), leads me to put forward the notion that it, too, negatively affects allosexual people, even where they might have allosexual privilege. Because there’s this weird thing that’s happening where, to the heterosexual “normals,” many allosexuals who aren’t heterosexual can at times experience what I’m willing to provisionally call “Aheterosexuality,”where the homophobic focus is less on their having gay sex/sexual attraction and more on their not having straight sex/sexual attraction (this is oversimplified, but I hope it suffices). It’s not super common (again for most homophobic people the issue is being gay and having gay attraction and having gay sex), but I’m not going to pretend it’s not a factor worth considering.

However, at the end of the day, it comes back to these being different parts of identity and experience and different experiences of oppression. The reality is that the allo gay man doesn’t have to deal with aphobia while the asexual gay man does—it can be put forward as simple as that. Or to think of it another way, a bisexual man has to deal with biphobia and homophobia, whereas a gay man does not have to contend with biphobia but does have to contend with homophobia, and in fact may perpetuate biphobia either intentionally or not—this concept is the most parallel one I can think of. No one would dare suggest the gay man doesn’t experience homophobia or has an insignificant risk of violence or anything just because he doesn’t experience bisexual oppression. And no one would suggest it of the allosexual gay man either.

Earnestly speaking, I hope this is helpful. Thanks for the ask.

[arotechno]

Jughead (2015), Issues 9-11: Discussion and Commentary

This brings us to the first arc written by Ryan North, who saw that the aroace Jughead train had left the station and simply could not resist tagging along for the ride. If you’ve followed anything about Jughead as a character at all, then you’ve probably seen many screenshots from these three issues before. It’s the Sabrina arc (that’s right, as in the teenage witch)!

I have a lot of analysis at the end of this one, so buckle up!

The gang ends up at Pop’s, as usual, where Jughead meets the shop’s new mascot, a talking burger lady. Jughead is, unsurprisingly, thrown off his game by this. After all, burgers are his one true love, but girls? He doesn’t really have an interest in them. It’s a confusing moment for him, and when his friends witness this, well… they assume he’s got a crush on her.

This is an iconic page in the “aro Jughead” canon. Here we have Betty trying really hard to be a good friend and doing what in her mind is the best for him, trying to help him through what she and the others perceive as his first crush. Jughead, meanwhile, is diving headfirst into a spiral of confusion (and later, discomfort) at the idea of having any sort of interest in another person.

I want to give my utmost respect to Ryan North for explicitly having Jughead say that he doesn’t get crushes. It’s not the only time that North does this during this arc, and I think it makes all the difference between making this awkward and relatable rather than making it seem like Jughead is being stripped of or “cured” of being aro.

Betty pushes Jughead to talk to Sabrina (the burger lady—it’s Sabrina), and after a while of running into each other day in and day out as Jughead frequents Pop’s on a regular basis, they strike up a friendship. Jughead has gotten what he wanted—to be friends with the cool burger lady—and he seems genuinely satisfied.

…But unfortunately, things do not go as planned for Jughead. The next time they see each other, Sabrina asks Jughead out. And Jughead, in true stereotypical oblivious aro fashion, agrees, without realizing until it is much, much too late that what he has just agreed to is a date. Like, a real date.

If you think about it, Jughead has probably never been asked on a real date before. And this is something I ABSOLUTELY would have done (and may still do today, if I’m completely honest with myself) as a teenager. Jughead’s immediate regret is so palpable here, and so relatable to me as an aromantic.

In his panic, Jughead turns to his friends for help. They are… not helpful. They’re trying to be helpful, sure, but whereas Jughead doesn’t really seem to want to go through with this at all, his friends are more set on giving him romantic advice (with varying degrees of usefulness). Jughead really has to go out of his way to defend himself and insists on multiple occasions that he thinks the girl in the burger costume is cool and interesting, but that he doesn’t like-like her, he doesn’t even really know her!

Unfortunately for Jughead, he ends up going on the date. And who does he call for help? His only other openly queer friend (I say openly because let’s be real with ourselves, none of those kids are cishet), Kevin Keller.

And okay, this scene with Kevin is genuinely kind of funny. You get the impression that Kevin has had a lot of practice dealing with straight bullshit, and that he’s more than a little disappointed that Jughead’s “big emergency” turned out to be something this totally mundane and not worth his time.

Ultimately, Kevin is also super not helpful, even after Jughead steals his phone in an attempt to get him to come to the table and diffuse the awkward situation Jughead has found himself in. So Jughead resorts to what I can only assume is plan Z, which is to call Archie for backup.

Only semi-related, I really love the way Ryan North writes conversations between these two. It just feels really genuine and believable. And anyway, I don’t know what Jughead was expecting, but resident himbo Archie Andrews is of no help to him, and only ends up making things a hell of a lot worse.

This leads to Sabrina rushing off to the bathroom and casting multiple spells to try to get Jughead to at least play along, if not outright fall in love with her, all of which fail spectacularly and only end up making her far angrier with him. I don’t blame her for being upset—the date was a total disaster, and right at the moment Jughead was about to be honest with her, Archie showed up and made things worse. Sabrina storms out, and vows that she’ll get revenge on Jughead for this, somehow.

All of Sabrina’s subsequent spells on Jughead also backfire. She tries to make him fail his classes, and he passes with flying colors; she tries to make him spend the whole day with resident asshole Reggie, but he ends up befriending him against all odds. She even ends up unleashing a giant eldritch horror by accident, and—well, that’s not important.

In the end, Jughead decides to make things right. He never meant to hurt Sabrina, and she seems to be in a tough spot, having just moved to town, so he brings her some food as a peace offering and explains what really happened. And Sabrina is… surprisingly receptive, in fact more receptive than Jughead’s friends were when he came to them for help, despite the fact that this is something they should already understand about him. Being upset with Jughead wasn’t doing her any favors, so Sabrina already seems to be at peace with what happened and is more than willing to forgive him and be his friend despite all that transpired between them.

This is a really great scene. There’s a nuance to it—the way Jughead acted on their date was unfair, both to Sabrina and to himself. He needed to be honest from the beginning, but instead, he just kept trying to escape. At the same time, Sabrina gets it, and it wasn’t very cool of her to try to use magic to get what she wanted, either (not that Jughead knows she did that).

Jughead helps Sabrina re-enroll in her old school and quit her job at Pop’s to move back in with her aunts, so that she can live out the rest of her teenage years the way she’s supposed to. Afterwards, Sabrina and Jughead both seem really happy, and thus volume two ends on a positive, quiet note.

I really like this arc, for the reasons I’ve already stated and more. It’s funny and awkward and endearing (I say that a lot about this series, don’t I?), and it portrays a realistic and relatable aromantic problem without it being aboutaromanticism. It’s more about Jughead being honest about his feelings and making a new friend than about Jughead being aro, even though that contextualizes the situation. A great deal of the series is about that—Jughead being honest with himself and others. In the first arc, it’s Jughead shaking off a persona of apathy. In the second, it’s Jughead being honest with Archie about their friendship and the way Archie’s behavior has been making him feel. Here, it’s about Jughead being honest about who he is at his core, and accepting it about himself—and Sabrina accepts it, too, no questions asked. Even if he never says “I’m aromantic,” the sentiment is there plain as day, and it’s a refreshing beat for the story to land on.

That said, I do have a bone to pick with this arc. There’s a line in the sand here between Zdarsky and North. In the last arc, we saw Zdarsky portray that really subtle but meaningful interaction between Archie and Jughead, in which Archie seems not only keenly aware of Jughead being aromantic—even without the word—but also tacitly supportive of him, such that he knows immediately when he’s crossed a line. Here, we see Ryan North take a bit of a step back from that, such that Archie may be aware of Jughead’s orientation but seems way too quick to assume all that’s changed the moment there’s even a sliver of possibility that Jughead has a crush. That’s the reality of having different writers stepping in to interpret the same characters in loosely connected stories like this, but it still bothers me. I prefer Zdarsky’s style of storytelling in general, but in particular I also prefer his portrayal of Archie, as much as Ryan North’s on-the-nose aro moments and undying love for Reggie make me very happy. As a whole, nobody ever stops to ask Jughead what he wants, they only tell him what they think Sabrina wants. Jughead says so himself:

I suppose one could make the argument that Jughead’s friends, or even Jughead himself, are only really aware of the asexual bit (if at all—for all we know Veronica and Reggie have no idea, for example) and that’s why they don’t only never mention aromanticism but also sometimes seem ignorant of it. It’s possible that the aro side of Jughead’s orientation is still something he doesn’t have the words for, despite it being a truth he knows about himself, and in fact I think that would have been an interesting angle to take, had this series continued beyond 15 issues. But what I have an issue with isn’t so much the fact that Jughead’s friends are unhelpful (because let’s be real, sadly a lot of us have been there), but the fact that never are they asked to apologize for pushing him to do something he so clearly didn’t want to do. Whether he or they know he’s aromantic or not, he was clearly uncomfortable with the idea of going on this date—and not just due to a lack of experience. I would have liked it had Archie, or Betty, or Kevin apologized, or even once asked him what he really wanted. Betty comes the closest, by talking it out with him in the first place, but even she still earnestly pushes him to go through with the date anyway.

Anyway, there are two arcs left for me to discuss, and frankly I’m not as enthused by either of them as I was for these past three, for a variety of reasons. The Ryan North train continues for one more arc, and then it’s on to Mark Waid and Ian Flynn’s big finish. Those two updates might come a little slower. Until then, I was going to include a compilation of Jughead looking uncomfortable, but I've only got one image slot left thanks to tumblr, so instead I leave you with this:

Same, Jughead. Huge same.