#I almost like dont wanna know anything like dont tell me anything
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#my coworker is talking abt quitting#this is gunna streess me out so much#I almost like dont wanna know anything like dont tell me anything#its not my problem but it totally is my problem#rambles
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Edit since a lot of people seem confused - your "real" name is the name that you want to be referred to in real life. It doesn't have to be your legal name. So if you're trans and you have a different name to whats on your birth certificate, even if not many people call you by the name, it still counts as your real name.
Edit 2 : Holy shit guys please stop reblogging this post my poor inbox im getting like 20 notifs an hour asjfhkajshdkh /lh /srs
#FUN FACT : charlie isnt my real name :]#i decided to go with the name charlie because i didnt wanna use my real name and i like the name charlie#my parents were gonna call me charlie when i was born but didnt in the end#i dont really know why i dont just tell you lot my real name because its a super common name#another thing that using a diff name online has caused is me seeing “charlie” almost as a different person#theres “[wearegonnapretendiputmyrealnamehere]” and then theres “Charlie” and they are two different people in my mind#idk aksjffhkajsshdka#anyways this is the second poll ive made today what is my deal with polls#i should make a seperate poll tag for all my fucking polls that i make#I MAKE A LOT#ill tag all my polls when i think of a good name lol#anyways woah i got a bit rambly there#did i make a whole ass poll just because i thought you might find it interesting that my real name wasnt charlie?#yes. yes i did.#(DO NOT take this as me not wanting you lot to call me charlie i would prefer you use that name over anything else lol)#polls#tumblr polls#random polls
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hey guys so I just started reading Flatland by Edwin A. Abbott and OMG AHSBNSBSBSNSNBSHZHSHDBFHGGHFHGRJ2KSHSBSNSK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I LOVE THINKING ABOUT THE RELATIVITY BETWEEN DIMENSIONS!!!!!!
#probably the nerdiest thing i will ever read in my entire life but I AM SO HAPPY#Its the unabridged and corrected 1992 republication btw. if you wanna get specific#the only book in which i have actually decided to read the introductory notes and i do NOT regret it because the editor's one IMMEDIATELY#brought up the “oh but surely the second dimension has thickness how else would flatlanders see anything” AND GAVE A REALLY GOOD ANSWER.#which i cannot tell you here. bc it is several paragraphs long and idk how i would shorten it. i would hit tag limit. if thats a thing.#anyways. I'm only a little bit into the first part which basically explains how Flatland works as a society so i haven't even gotten to the#sphere yet but OH MAN I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT A ROUND OBJECT IN MY LIFE#IM LOSING IT OVER THIS BOOK AAAA :D#me: im so glad i dont have a math class during my senior year! now i dont have to learn anything math-related!#also me: but what if i started studying a complex and almost entirely theoretical part of geometry#bc YEAH i didn't just buy this book bc of gravity falls. I BOUGHT IT BC IVE BEEN RESEARCHING THE 4TH DIMENSION WOOOOOOO!!!!!#one thing i will say i dont like. introductory note suggests the the 4th dimension might be time. this is ok tho bc its followed up with#also saying that time is not a spatial dimension and exist across the 0 1st 2nd and 3rd dimensions which. that epuld mean we live in 4d#already. so. i was worried for a second but THANK YOU THANK YOU OH MY GOD PEOPLE TRYING TO SAY “OH THE 4TH DIMENSION IS TIME” I HATE THAT SO#MUCH AAAAGGHHHH AT LEAST RECOGNIZE ITS NOT SPATIAL!!! TIME IS NOT A SPATIAL DIMENSION!!!!!!! IF IT WAS THEN 4D TRAVEL AND TIME TRAVEL WPULD#BE FHE SAME THING AND DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY MUCH COOLER POSSIBILITIES WPULD BE THROWN AWAY IF THAT WAS THAT CASE!!!!! AND. AND. IF THE 4TH#DIMENSION IS TIME. THEN WHATS THE 5TH?? 6TH?? YPU CANT KEEP GOINF ON FOREVER LIKE THAT. YPURE JUST MAKEING MORE 3D WORLSS WITH STUFF IN#ADDITION TO TIME. INTERESTING BUT THAY IS NOT ABOHT HIGHRER DIEMSBSJSNSBAKAJSHDHDHHDHDHDJ#sorry for the rant. jsut. agh i want a spatial 4th dimension. i dont think tesseracts exist through time that would just be an aged cube#anyways yeahhh i love the 4th dimension. new hyperfixation or new special interest? ill have to wait and see. anyways i have done it i have#an oc whos 4 dimensional now and she is the coolest ever i love her#but yeah this book is sosososo good i am literally gonna bring it to school to read instead of draw bc i would lose it if i didn't#10/10 would recommend to anyone who wants to Think
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me praying to get any kind of IT job and now just being so embarrassed that it happened because I DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING? like you'd seriously think i would but i dont know a goddamn thing. a coworker watched me struggle to turn back on a monitor that went into sleep mode today. i couldnt find the fucking button on it. like i want to kill myself over that and i wish i was being funny but im being hilarious. they watch me fumble putting in my password on these 2000 goddamn websites i have to have accounts for for some reason AND they put me on the phone to squeak mousily at angry people who are calling for higher stakes problems than the library (but that part wasnt that bad bc most of them i got to just transfer the call)....i just want to SCREAM. i just want to scream because of the enormity of my incompetence. but its not even that serious. but it is. it is
#im making it sound hard but thats whats funny is it totally isnt. its so easy. its so easy im almost mad. its boring. ITS BORING!#and old guys keep telling me cutting my hair is 'part of growing up' i wanna gag.#and my coworker talks to me about 'guy stuff' that i wish i could have it in me to fucking care about. I HATE CARS!#i mean i do care about custom pcs. but IM STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! SO I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT DESPITE WANTING TO BUILD ONE.#im making it also sound like im having a miserable time but its complicated#and its giving me like a gender crisis but not like im not trans just like i cant stop feeling like a failure at all things gender#FTM as in failgirl to man this guy sucks#if i was more secure in myself at all i wouldnt let shit like that even bother me. but it dooooooooeeeeeeees#i attained no confidence and im starting to think thats impossible at my ripe young old age#is it ok if i have a crisis and blog it. do we still do that here
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so many expenses this month and most of it isnt even for me :(
#i hate that my family thinks i have lots of money even though my brother made a lot more than me#mom keeps telling me my brother might need it in the future so she refuse to ask him any#really shows that they do not respect me at all about this#and the worst thing is its always very sudden#a cold 5 min call where mom tell me “pay for this now! dont postpone it” and the payment is almost 1K#and my stupid ass cant even say no because if i say no they will make me feel guilty and then i feel like i wanna kms and end up paying anw#god#parents are gonna go on vacation soon#watch they'll be calling me soon to give them more money#and then go hom from there#and not bringing me any gift as usual#why should they care about the faggy child that failed to achieve his parents assigned goals#if anything putting all family expenses on me will quicken my death or worse force me to go back to them#so they can hold me and mold me back into what they want#i know their plan and i refuse to follow it#but they probably just need to shout on me once and i'll follow whatever their ask.. sad#i want to recoup by taking commissions but last time this happened and i took too many comms it ended up taking more than a month#i dont think i can handle that much anymore#AAAAAAAAA im tired
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i mean i should probably stop saying shit just to be mean
#on the other hand....#the social environment cultivated on here almost demands it lest i let people walk all over me#definitely one of those skills i picked up in childhood to survive social situations back then#not a great skill. not even one i particularly like using. in fact i hate this part of me that feels the need to be judgemental#the logical part of me- the more ~~evolved~~ part of my spirit you could say knows its stupid and has hated doing it since forever#i completely stopped for a while. and then my abusive ex did all the shit they did so i felt like i had to dig that judgemental asshole sid#back up to defend myself bc ik thats the level they operate on. but it also started being the level a lot of ppl on here operated on soon#after (and im not entirely unconvinced they weren't an influence as to why people became more of an asshole on here)#(them or twitter. probably a mix of both but mostly twitter users coming here lol. also had to be an ass on twitter to survive)#so now i feel like i have to cling on to this side of myself i was more than happy to let rot in the dirt bc if i dont then people are gonn#use my vulnerability and niceness and lack of desire to use ad hom n shit against me so they can bully and abuse me and say whatever#and i have to keep this image up of being unphased and happy all the time and then i snap and then its a whole problem to people#so basically be nothing ever bc ppl on here will think thats you forever moral of story i guess im not sure.#best advice i can give: dont exist online publicly in any significant way. if you wanna be a pfpless. bioless account that is your god give#fuckin right okay. never are you obligated to be part of this shit and im personally telling you its hell and if i knew then what i knew#now i would have never started coming on to tumblr in the first place. its cool i learned about all this queer stuff or whatever but it#sucks otherwise#tumblr. twitter. insta. any social media where the point is to make posts and write posts more than anything else#dont bother. so much is lost in text-style communication. bridging gaps is nearly impossible. you will always be misunderstood#i think thats the case for most vocal communication but ESPECIALLY digitally
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#should i ask him#even if im scared he'll get mad at me#but i lowkey wanna die bc#idk#it has been almost a year since i told him abt my feelings and he has given me nothing#like he hadnt told me anything#but im scared that he'll get upset if i ask him... idk what to do#but also he knows i love him and if he just#did that#and then didnt tell me anything#when i even told him that im terrified of just wasking up and he has a gf and not knowing....#then i will go non contact w him#and forget he exists#it will hurt so fkn badly but idk#i cant be friends w him if he doesnt give a fuck abt me#and maybe im just making up stories now#the problem is I DONT KNOW#bc he isnt fkn talking to me or telling me anything and im scared#fuck it im just gonna ask and if he gets mad at me then i know he doestn care for me#nd i will lose someone i love so much but.#:(((((( fuck this is so terrifying i wanna die
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I'm so tired and I want to sleep but I can't because my brain has decided to remind me of every single bad thing to happen in my life ever
#(dont read the tags if you dont wanna see some examples)#realizing my granma is verbally abusive by her telling me ill die alone and unloved simply bc i didnt want to talk to her?#check!#almost losing my best friend to suicise?#being bullied in 2 out of three schools ive been to where the teachers did fuck all to help?#being overstimulated to the point of crying & neglected by a 'special needs class' that completely failed me in every aspect?#check!!#my special aids teacher (or wtv its called) telling me to go back to math class after a meeting with the school and my FUCKING THERAPIST#SPECIFICALLY ABOUT HOW STRESSFUL AND BAD FOR ME SEVERAL OF THE CLASSES ARE#PARTICULARLY MATH#i didnt even know she was supposed to aid me with anything!#i only ever saw her in a few classes#ya know#THE ONES SHE TEACHES#ugh#listen my life is hardly the worst#im fortunate in many aspects and im not gonna claim i have some big traumas or anything like that#but my life really sucks sometimes#even right now my life is almost completely stagnant#i havent been able to attend school for two fucking years and i quite literally only have consistent social interactions with my family#ya know. the people i live with. and who i see everyday.#my best friend of like fucking#7 years or something#ended our friendship months ago (amicably but still)#leaving my completely alone#ugh. sorry my heads a mess and im so so so tired. of everything. i just want to sleep and have my brain shut tf up#vent#personal
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It's crazy seeing someone post pictures from your home town because I wanna reach out and be like hey!!! We're from the same place!!! But I also know almost everyone in town and I can almost guarantee that they'd immediately know who I am and I'd pretty much be doxxing myself
#even if that person was someone im comfortable with i still dont want people i know IRL to find my tumblr#only 3 people know#and only one of them has a tumblr themselves but they dont use it anymore#i wanna be able to complain about my exes and ppl in town without anyone being able to immediately tell who im talking about#i mean it when i say almost everyone here knows me#from ages like 24-42 at least#i dont have a bad reputation or anything#but i do have A Reputation lmao#(weird annoying adhd ''girl'' that dated two popular [abusive] guys had a baby right out of high school#that used to be the girl who was bullied and popular at the same time#i was accepted by people for my looks and ostracized for my weirdness🤷🏽♀️#alright these tags are turning into a therapy session#did kinda help tbh
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low energy atm, but please like this if we don’t have an active thread and you would like to plot one!
multimuses specify muse in tags
#++|| OOC#kinda comin into or comin out of a bout of mania i cant tell LMAO#so i'm super emotionally drained and dont really have anything to talk about to anyone#so i feel like some plotting might be cute... u know how it is...#but i specifically wanna interact with some of my other mutuals#tht i havent actually done anything with since following them#BC I SEE U I PROMISE....#thts why i like all ur posts#so u see ME#i'll definitely be slow writing starters but..................... plot.........#ummmmm i might reblog my shipping call too bc :3c#im almost done with sending the inbox stuff out too dw i didnt forget those
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#sometimes u just gotta have a cringe fail weekend. is what i tell myself bc i let the fact that i forgot to check my new#email completely obliterate me. also i haven't been sleeping enough. also just the normal thoughts in my head#by which i mean the part of my brain that demands consequences for inattention by means of suffering. devine punishment.#which is irrational and annoying but knowing that doesnt seem to help. so ive just been laying here in the hopes i come unspooled and start#to disintegrate. which is annoying bc ive got stuff to do#specifically bc i am supposed to b a TA this semester. which is what i figured but also feared#so. thats gonna b a lot. tho not as much as my old school bc they dont make TAs do literally everything here apparently#but. itll b a lot. and also i have to finish signing up for classes. bc i didnt do that back in April by my brain was melting. also i have#to keep doing my job and dealing with my data. ugh. well. being a TA isnt so bad. i do like to help ppl learn even if im not very good at it#like. i struggle with thr talking to ppl part. like the transition of ny thoughts to something thst makes sense#oh well. hope i end up teaching something im not too unqualified for. i could do soils. Ecology. uhhh. maybe intro bio but i never even took#university level biology. i just skipped upper level courses. that's probably it. anything else would b a lotta faking it#ugh. im tired. i should go to sleep at 9pm. thr sun hasbt even set and i should sleep#tomorrow i have to get my shit together. but also i wanna email my new professor like hey bro like what do u want me to do???#like how do i start in this lab? when do we start talking. like just not to b pushy but whats thr procedure?#i like Structure but also its like weeks until the semester starts so we got time. im just a lil nuts#jesus. its gonna b an interesting semester. hopefully fun but uh it is sorta like taking a boat out when u can see big ominous clouds#like im sure ill b fine but also i might get dumped over into a watery grave. i just. i have a lot of papers to write#and its gonna b hard to b a student on top of that. partly bc what im gonna b doing now is almost completely unrelated#which is probably y ppl stick to the same track they stsrt on. that awkward moment when ppl ask u if ur gonna keep working with bi0crust#and ur like uhhhh no fuck that actually the work ive done in the past 4 years makes me hate myself✌️#so we r back at square 1. well not 1 bc its sorta related but its a pretty big reset#itll b fine once things start. its just thr anticipation that kills me#unrelated
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I think i have some mutuals that watch this show. hi I watched the first ep of murder drones
#i dont have enough time to watch the rest rn#but i liked it#👍#i keep almost getting spolied because im in a discord server full of people that watched it#i really dont want to be spolied </3#i love n. what a guy. theyve committed atrocities but i forgive them /silly#if anything happens to n I'm blowing this website up#i wanna go into this completely blinf dont tell me if something does#i forgot to mention i didn't want to watch thid until my other interests started to die#i dont wanna get sniped by murder drones hyper fix yet knowing me there's a 50/50 shot that this will destroy my life/j#but yeah liek i said im too close to sooiling myself
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Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this
#speculation nation#daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days...#im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard#im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn.#what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles#and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response#im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day#but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned#and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat.#im just... tired. im so very tired.#i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to#constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing)#and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed#if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work#at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think#get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes.#i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding#i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic#but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month.#losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though.#negative/
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#idk how to vent this one cause i just feel like screaming#im so tired and depressed and exhausted#i was contemplating things yesterday#id never go through with anything and i could never do that to people but man#theres people i know that have offered to chat whenever i feel and i know that theyre being genuine#i just cant help but feel bad for bothering anyonr#i have no passions for anything particular and i need to decide what uni course or apprenticeship im doing within the next 2 months#ive already been thinking for a year#theres nothing that pulls me#i dont feel like doing any of it#i dont want to leave here#i havent had a proper hyperfixation for months either which is so strange for me#i cant bring myself to be excited about anything#i think of the future and im just filled with dread#my childhood is almost gone and i feel like i wasnt here for any of it#11 year old me thought id be gone by now#so i never thought about my future#and now what#i need to tell someone that but i also dont wanna put that weight on their mind#i honestly dont know how im going to survive y13#it hasnt even started yet and im already ready to wander off somewhere and never come back#my grades are good i know i have the capability to get the highest ones possible but theres nothing that i want to work for#i dont know what im doing#everything just feels utterly pointless
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having to restrain from saying anything when my dad dares to say that men get paid LESS than women. in what world. are you out of your fucking mind old man.
#ow.err#IN WHAT WORLD ARE MEN PAID LESS THAN WOMEN.#like. i shouldnt be surprised he said that bc he watched and/rew t/ate and jo/e rog/an so like. of fucking course he'd think that.#but like dude. you have no idea what youre talking about.#and there is NO WAY im gonna even try to tell him otherwise bc he is. loud. yk.#im just gonna. leave that there. bc its not my responsibility to 'fix' my parents as much as id love to try.#its just not my responsibility. and itll prob just end in me getting screamed at anyways since they wont listen to me or anything i say#cuz im still a kid in their eyes ! ! ! !!!! ! ! so cool ! ! ! ! ! !#almost 20. father doesnt think i know how to wake myself up w/o being woken up by someone else.#SO INSULTING BTW. i always get up on time. no matter what. nearly 20 and he thinks im a fking child still#both my mom and dad do but my dad does it in an 'underestimating' me way and my mom does it in a 'tries to overly coddle me' way#you know? i dunno. i dunno. i wanna move out but money is so fked rn. and idk how to do like. anything. so im just...#gonna do my classes and try to get a nice job and save up for awhile before i actually move out to my own place#im also kind of scared bc idk if ill have the. will to care for myself once i move out. like im worried ill just let myself die#sso. things to. work on before i get out of here i guess. but the thing is this environment will not let me heal. ahhh !!!!!!!!!#the only way out is through!!! through and scared!!!!!!!!!!!! tmrw marks the start of my life potentially starting to change. for the bette#but still changing. and oh man. im very nervous. its scary#cuz like. i didnt think id live past like 12 ??? so to be almost 20 and very behind on 'adult things' is. scary?daunting?#it all almost feels unreal. like im reaching a part of my life i never thought id actually reach. it feels like ive been living on#borrowed time since 12 so now im like. damn i have to live dont i. i have to actively make this life worth living now#some days i still worry itll be my last but ... im just gonna try to take it one step at a time. its all i can do.#be as prepared as i can. and take it one step at a time. i clutch onto the hope that my life will get better#and i clutch onto it with an iron grip. because damn it. it has to get better than this. it has to.#wow this got derailed. oh well my poast my rules.
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#soo close to breaking down and just beibg like#well i cant do this !!! i dont want to be away from you i dont want to have yo find someone else. i jsut want you#and im so scared of how thatd be taken n i dont wanna be . shut out again.#like . im supposed to just yrust this and trust thst its gappening even if i sont ubderstand whats goijg on#but my fear is slightly stronger than my ability to just Trust myself and the universe.#i want this so bad n ive never eanted ANYTHING as badly as i want . to work it out with him.#like yhats so unsettling ??? im just . i dont know how to proceed#esp not after that fucking messagw like . how do i respond to thst !!!! what am i supposed to say !!!!#like shit dawg . i CANT move on. uoure so deeply dug into me and what i want that i . am Struggling to like . even fathom the idea#of anyone else bc wjy would i . why would i find someone else wjen i had and found all i wanted. please tell me#youre coming back to me . please tell mw that youre not . going to let me go bc i cant lwt u go !!!! i tried so hard !!!! to do that !!!#and i couldnt !!!! i knew almost insta tly that i wanted him forever . n i know iy now more thsn ever thats what i want#. god . what the fuck do i do#im not supoosed to do anything !! im jus supposed to . trust that this is gonna work out anf that . it will haooen#even if i dont see it or understsnd it . n that rlly is the hars part bc oh my god i wanna throw in tje towel and die .#ive tried so hard to get over this and get over him but i literally cant. and just Livinf with this feeling is awful.#esp bc how my brain works like . atp i need a cold hars rejection to lessen my grip on it and to . move away from it#fuck. idk what to fucking do any.ore i am . abt to break and crack and . just tell him i miss him too much to keep doing this.#ive reread that message 293939 times sincs i recoeved it. its not hslping me in any shape or form!#it just has to work out. it has to .
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