#I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ASHAMED
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ppft could you imagine like. being this absolute giga dummy who makes merchandise for a living but has a form of severe amnesia. and although you have created any number of intricate methods and systems to prevent you from not knowing what happened when and where, you somehow misplaced your sketchbook containing every single design youre supposed to produce in the next six to eight months?? like while you were cleaning, by the way. like you said 'ill absolutely remember where this is when i need it!" and then could not under any circumstance remeber? Can you imagine that kind of scenario? Can you imagine what kind of ultimate stupid loser that would have to be?? Well. Fortunately for me! I do not need to imagine.
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PAUSE I THOUGHT SOMETHING WAS INNOCENT AND CUTE LIKE OP WAS SAYING KAVEH IS SO PERFECT HES LIKE A WAX FIGURE AND I WAS LIKE SLAY QUEEN HE SO IS AND I WAS FULL ON GONNA RB IT
#I WAS A TAD CONFUSED THEN READ THE TAGS AND WAS STILL CONFUSED#THEN IT CLICKED#it was at this moment she knew she messed up#<- is what should’ve played to rhe supposed audience behind the third wall#wait not behind the third wall that didn’t come out right BUT YK WHAT I MEAN#I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE ASHAMED#IM SO STUPIF#.tt#WHY DID IT HAVE TO BE INAPPROPRIATE IM LITERALLY NEVER GONNA SHOW MY FACE AGAIN SOBS !!!
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FUCK this country
#i hope every red-pilled fascist realizes the magnitude of the decision they’ve made#and is ready to live with the consequences of what’s to come for the next forty years#election 2024#us politics#donald trump#kamala harris#fuck this generation i have never been more ashamed to call myself an american
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to everyone being nasty and spiteful to people either in the tag or in inboxes i hope you step on lego's for the rest of your life. get fucked.
#i will never forget the way people have behaved in this space towards other humans over fiction for the rest of my life#i've never been more disgusted and ashamed to witness this when we are all here trying to fucking survive life and the world burning down#karma is a bitch and i hope she fucking comes for you all#bucktommy
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thinking about when keating asks the purpose of language and neil says “to communicate” and keating goes “no! to woo women!” like?? did you expect neil perry of all people to guess/resonate with that?? you know just as well as i do that mf is a homosexual.
#neil is like “??? why would i wanna woo women?? i just wanna woo todd??”#anderperry#dps#dead poets society#neil perry#john keating#todd anderson#neil x todd#dead poets honor#god i remember when the dps fandom was so small that i became a relatively big dps blog#now look at me#a no good phannie account#i am in fact a multifandom account i have never been a dps account or a phannie account#but being a big name in the dps fandom was way more admirable than the phandom#no offence phannies i love you with all of my heart#but you’re all as ashamed as i am to be in this boat <3#i need yall to know that at the end of the day#other than lotr#my loyalty lies with dps#my username on letterboxd and ao3 are both from dps#and dps got me writing again#ok i can’t turn this into a dps retrospective i literally wrote a ten page paper on my relationship with dps like 8 years ago#also dps/anderperry was a big part of my sexuality journey OK IM DONE#yeet my deet
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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Me: just casually scrolling around Instagram and coming across Jack's new post 📱
Also me: "Aww that's so cute." after seeing little Jack in Jack's ID Card.
Also me: Day ruined because of Franco's stupid fans spamming shit in Jack's post 😒🙄👺
Sighhh.... I don't blame him, but I wish Franco had normal fans instead of the second coming of Agustin Canapino's keyboard army.... 🥲
#jack doohan#franco colapinto#I have never been more ashamed as a Franco fan 😞#people get it together 👺#give Jack some freaking peace instead of spamming shit about Franco#i know y'all see my pfp and judge me quickly lol
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oh thank god ppl aren’t crucifying me for saying i like it better that darry dropped out of school over just not going at all i feel so vindicated. i think it makes sm more sense for his character and—-
#i WILL be writing a deeply at length tumblr#post about this*#at some point#trust me#it shows his sacrifices and how fucking close he was to getting out of tulsa#and getting rid of the greaser name he’s been so ashamed to have attached to him#bc at the end of the story. pony realizes there’s more to him than just grease and#darry’s already known that about himself. he’s sick of that being ALL he’s known for#he wants out and to make a life for himself and he GOT out against all odds#just for life to. well. Life. and then he’s pulled back into an opportunity to ask himself#do i sacrifice everything i have worked my entire life for??#do i go back home and say goodbye to this life i’ve fought tooth and nail for to keep my brothers in my care or#do i stay and continue on with what ive worked for my entire mf life and#the REAL testament to darry’s character is#no matter how much he WANTED to get out. he will never ever let anything be more important to him than his family#it’s a no brainer to him to drop out and come back home. no matter how hard things get w his brothers#no matter if he threatens wanting to go back when things get unbearably difficult#he still fucking STAYS!!!!!!!!!#that is darry curtis for you thank you for your time.#holy FUCK i wrote an essay IM SORRY#me at the beginning of the tags: i’ll do this someday but not today#me at the end: 🧍🧍🧍#would it shock you if i said these weren’t even ALL my thoughts on this topic#the outsiders#darry curtis#outsiders musical
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i know chase obviously wins the religious trauma competition but can we please talk about how foreman was not only raised by a deeply religious father, but was most likely raised BAPTIST. no wonder he’s so repressed. the baptist experience is like. you’re in church every sunday listening to a man scream about how love is something that should hurt. you believe in a good, loving god - but to believe, you have to accept that true love is painful. that to be a good person, you must suffer. to love is to endure it, to work mercilessly. you’re not worthy of the love of The Almighty, and you never will be, and that sense of unworthiness is fundamental to having faith. when you sin, you don’t just hurt Him, you hurt everyone around you. you make the world worse because you have dared commit the sin of existence — to be human is to be sinful. to be loved is to feel unworthy and pathetic and hopeless. like YEAH no wonder foreman self isolates and is emotionally closed off. he was taught from BIRTH that he is fundamentally unworthy of love, and that in accepting love, he is also accepting that he truly is worthless.
#also#i really cant stress enough to non-americans that foreman being black would seriously have had an impact on his relationship with religion#christian ideals are baked into the way racial justice is thought about in the blm movement of today#christianity is also by and large more significant to black americans than it is to white americans because of this#because race and religion are really intertwined#and idk its not. the MOST important aspect of foreman’s character or anything#but i think it’s a lot harder to Get him if u don’t have that cultural knowledge which most americans will inherently understand#also disclaimer im not black. never been to a black church so obviously i cant speak to that experience#however i did go to a baptist school growing up and they REALLY emphasized that i should be ashamed of being alive#obviously this is all me theorizing bc foreman could be some other flavor of protestantism#they’re all varying levels of traumatic tbh#if he was episcopal he probably was listening to people speaking tongues in church which just. yeah. that also really fucks u up#house md#eric foreman#house md hc#house md headcanon#dr foreman
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well.
I'm 30.
#one minute ago#damn I really REALLY thought I'd have my life more together#I mean to be real I 10000% did not expect to live until 30 good grief#but in my day dreams of 'what I might have been like if I lived to be an adult' this was not it#not still living like an emancipated minor in a 1 1/2 that's not even official it's more of a charity by the people who own the garage#that it's built in#not remembering to eat every day and eating the same 'gotta eat something' random assortment of whatever is in the cabinets#that I've been eating since I was 4#still working 4 jobs and not having my phd yet#literally never gone on one date and still feel too young for a relationship because I don't ever EVER want to be that guy#who doesn't know how to do anything and expects their partner to take care of them#I can barely do laundry and I straight up refuse to do dishes#I buy paper plates and cups#I'm not going to impose that on anyone#I keep thinking when I grow up I can have a relationship but I'm not old enough yet#but buddy I'm a freaking grown up now#30 is no joke#it's official#I just suck.#it's not about age its about being a garbage person#like i would never ever EXPECT my partner to take care of me but in practical terms I would fail at keeping the house clean#and they would pick up the slack becuase they don't want to live in a trash hole and would get mad and/or bitter with me for making them#living alone my bad choices only effect me#when i've lived with roommates in the past this has always been a key point of breakdown#even when I've tried to be extra dilligent I would forget a glass somewhere becuase I planned to reuse it and my roomate would wash it#and be mad that I felt entitled and expected them to clean up after me when I absolutly did NOT in fact I was horrified#that they needed to clean something up after me- I just simply lost track of it. and that was 10000% unfun for everyone involved#I was ashamed 100% of the time and they felt used 100% of the time and no one had a good time
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fun fact all those people who talk about how type 4 hair and dealing with it sucks are right but in a nuanced way where it’s actually systemic racism’s fault and not anything about our hair itself making it uniquely shitty
#the adas speak#we’re not taught anything about our hair. not only that but we’re taught everything about our hair is bad#it’s messy and unprofessional and ghetto. especially with the milennial generation who were raised on relaxers and perms#they were taught from so young to be ashamed of their hair. we were taught that our hair is unmanagable#and never given the chance to learn. it wasn’t all of us but a fuck ton of us in the US just. don’t know shit#and like. when the only people we know who can do hair are braiders we pay#i don’t think that’s really the kind of relationship where you can ask them to teach you. there is usually a relationship there#but idk if it’s ‘we’re friends over clients. let me lose business for you’ close ykwim. at least not all the time#so you’re learning on youtube. hating it bc it doesn’t make sense#you’re grown. you should know how to do your hair by now. but you don’t.#you’ve got like. all the racism and antiblackness building up. and it feels like they’re right. but they’re not! no one taught you!#but you can’t learn! you don’t know who to ask. and it’s a cycle of trying and getting frustrated and giving up and feeling guilty#and presumably if you’re tenacious enough you figure it out eventually but until then it’s just all these negative feelings that build up#like. our hair is arguably some of the easiest to deal with when our ancestors came up with so many ways to style it#the fact that i can spend a few hours in a salon and barely touch my hair for 2+ months is actually the epitome of convenience#and that’s also true of natural hair. maybe like a month instead but who else can go without touching their hair for a fucking month#but we are/were told that it’s so unmanagable and difficult when if we’d ever been properly taught it would be a fucking cakewalk#now. on one hand i’m being dramatic and emotional bc the dozens of tutorials i watched weren’t detailed enough for my incompetent ass#but on the other hand i’m literally right and this is systemic racism in action#i mean tbh i probably wouldn’t have done my hair regardless bc i didn’t care about my appearance and also was getting child abused#but i’d have a fuck ton more people to teach me in person if not for racism now wouldn’t I? my point still stands
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everyone talks about how people being mean to them about their appearance in middle school or high school — or whatever time in their young adult lives — negatively influences the way they act when they’re hit on or develop crushes is so real, except the person who was mean to me was my mother so i’m fighting so many beasts at once and i’m so scared girls
#misc.#i hate talking abt this bc like i’m so ashamed i could ever care this much abt it#but like it’s killing me. it’s been killing me for my whole life#i have never ever ever ever thought i was pretty for more than a day at a time#i think my worth as a person is tied to how i look. like in a deep ingrained way bc i KNOW that’s not the truth. i know it with everything#in me. but as a child i was not taught that#i was taught the version of me that could be loved was a perfect one and any straying from that would be the end#and i can’t even fathom that a person may like me. that’s sickening. that’s so terribly unkind to think abt myself#it’s ruining my life. i want to be so much more than this person#i don’t even want to be pretty i just want to not have think about it ever again. i want to not care#body tw#body image tw
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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Genuinely hate being an American. The amount of pro-israel propaganda is insane. The knowledge that my tax money is going towards funding genocide makes me feel fucking livid. And no matter how many people protest it, they won't fucking Listen to us.
"Free country" my ass. Why can one man just decide to bomb another country without congressional agreement? You don't fucking represent me. Stop supporting the genocide!!!!!
#speculation nation#it's been over a hundred days of this now and it's so disheartening#broken fucking system. it's horrifying.#the fact that basically every major western country is opposing south africa's case for convicting israel of genocide is just#like i wish i could say im surprised. im not. but it's still so awful.#it's very telling though. of course a bunch of countries whose foundations rely on colonization and warmongering will support#another country that is doing just that.#in what world is israel's actions a reasonable response to one attack??? theyve killed many times more people than they lost#civilians. children!!!! bombing HOSPITALS!!! isnt that supposed to be a war crime?!?!?!#whats the POINT of having a United Nations if it doesnt fucking do its JOB?!#'never again' they say but theyre liars. they're fucking liars. and im ashamed to be american.
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🖤 (from desmond!!)
attractiveness:
repulsive / hideous / ugly / not attractive / unappealing / not unattractive / meh / no preference / ok / mildly attractive / nice looking / cute / adorable / attractive / pleasant on the eyes / good looking / hot / sexy / beautiful / gorgeous / hot damn / would tap that / perfect / godlike / holy fuck there are no words.
personality:
grating / irritating / frustrating / boring / confusing at best / awkward / unreasonable / psychotic / disturbing / interesting / engaging / affectionate / aggressive (when necessary in order to protect her as her sworn sword) / ambitious / anxious / artistic / bad tempered / bossy / charismatic / appealing / unappealing / creative / courageous / dependable / unreliable / unpredictable / predictable / devious / dim / extroverted / introverted / egotistical / gregarious / fabulous / impulsive / intelligent / sympathetic / talkative / up beat / peaceful / calming / badass / flexible.
how likely they would have sex with them:
not if they were the last person on earth and the world was ending / fuck no! / never / no way / not likely / not sure / indifferent / I’m asexual / maybe / probably / it depends / fairly likely / likely / yeah sure / yes / would tap that / hell yes / fuck yes! / wishing that could happen right now (the Pain of being married & being a queen & wanting to be a good role model for your children & ur sworn sword is a kingsguard) / as many times as possible / we are already having sex.
level of friendship:
never in a million years / worst of enemies / enemies / rivals / indifferent / neutral / acquaintance / friendly toward each other / casual friends / friends / good friends / best friends / fuck buddies / bosom buddies / practically the same person / would die for them / true friends / my only friend.
first impression of them:
i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.
current impression of them:
i hate them so much / i don’t like them / i don’t trust them / they annoy me / they’re weird / I’m indifferent / meh / they seem alright / they’re growing on me / truce / I think I like them / I like them / I’m not sure if I trust them / I trust them / they’re cool / they’re genuine / I think we’re going to get along / I really like them / I think I’m in love / oh fuck they’re hot / I love them.
send 🖤 and my character will answer about yours; specify. || ALWAYS ACCEPTING.
#answered.#sevynhells#oh g-d what if i kms#dynamic; helaena & desmond.#she's c.aed- & d.emi so like. her falling in love w/ & especially wanting to be sexually intimate w/ sb is. Very hard for her to do#SHES LIKE!!!!! SO CAREFREE YET SO RESTRAINED AROUND HIM. LIKE. THAT MAN IS HER ROCK.#like ...... he & vaenna are the first people she calls for after aegon right after b&c happened#like. she HATES how he blames himself bc literally none of this was ever his fault#like. he left his homeland in dorne in the tor to SERVE AS A KINGSGUARD BUT EVEN MORE THAN THAT TO SERVE /HER/#he devoted himself to her in a way she's never seen w/ her father towards alicent. she NEVER feels unwanted or unappreciated around him EVE#he laughs at her her jokes even when she missed the punchline or gets it wrong. he never makes her feel like a madwoman like so many ppl do#like even if he doesn't understand she never once felt like he was ever judging her. that man will track her down like a BLOODHOUND#like i genuinely believe that helaena prayed CONSTANTLY for someone like him to come around & the gods gave her him#i genuinely wouldnt be surprised bc of how close they are that aegon would've noticed that & been like jealous about it bc he's possessive#but like. she represses these desires bc like. she's MARRIED & she's the QUEEN & she has children she wants to be a good role model for#& not to mention during helaena's entire marriage to aegon she was still loyal to him despite everything bc she wants her children spared#she literally wears gold after sunfyre & has a golden sun wedding ring & so when b&c happens that's just. taken away from her.#& then there's Also her dynamic w/ vaenna her childhood best friend & her whole conflicted sapphic feelings surrounding her#& honestly she feels ashamed for having those desires at all & not to mention he's a kingsguard member so if they did anything he could DIE#& like. she cares about him & i'd say loves him & she doesnt want him to get hurt. so like its. extremely difficult for her#so yeah helaena is. Very Conflicted around him but she genuinely loves & desires that man w/ all her heart.#if anything its probably more likely in a post dance survival au that she'd Say Something About It#but like. there's definitely subtle hints thrown here & there that she tries Not to let show but you can cut thru that tension like a KNIFE#iTS SO HEARTBREAKING MAN
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