#HE'S TALKING ABOUT THE WAY HE TALKS OKAY LMAO

[kenzan-brainrot-mp4]

Idk more random small details about the pyih ending that make me insane because I can't shut up about this stupid game:

Idk how deliberate this was from the translation team (and I have my own mixed feelings about the caption translations from more recent rgg games) but I really like the (potentially unintentional) double-meaning from Saejima saying "Guys our age are supposed to be smart enough not to go chasin' legends." You'd think that because the entire conversation revolves around and constantly repeats the words "dream/yume" (cough cough Yakuza 5) he'd say "not to go chasin' dreams", but I think by using the word "legend" instead he's able to refer to not only the legend of the treasure that everyone's been pursuing the whole game, but also the living legend himself, Kiryu Kazuma (in jp and eng he is referred to very often as a legend/legendary ("densetsu no ryuu/yakuza" - "legendary dragon/yakuza")). Not only was Majima chasing after the legend of some miracle treasure but he's also been chasing the "legend" that is Kiryu himself (something something idolization, something something Majima always wanting to bring back that strength and vitality Kiryu had at the peak of his "legend" days (see: yakuza 1 with Majima trying to fight Kiryu constantly to help him regain his strength, trying to especially hard to support him since yakuza 3), even as the chance of that happening dwindles, even if reality is literally telling him to his face that they can't go back to those days, that everyone's getting older and not what they used to be). Which imo makes Majima saying "Well, still just a dream in the end." all the more heartbreaking. It's resigned, not only to the fact that he'd never find that miracle fix to save Kiryu's life but also the fact that he can't, no matter how hard he tries, keep Kiryu around forever, that he can't keep up the image of the legendary Dragon of Dojima up for him forever. Idk I just think that was very cool and sneaky as hell if intentional, especially since they don't switch out the word "dream" for "legend" anywhere else in the conversation.

Saejima mentioning how Daigo said "Majima's runnin' around like he's forty again". Okay honestly I'm just putting this because I think it's funny that even while Daigo was going through his emo era and pissed off at Kiryu for "killing" his dad, he still remembers how enthusiastic/energetic Majima was over Kiryu all the way back in ~y1, even though we never saw him in that game. I mean it's painful as hell to think about now, considering the present day in-universe and what would end up becoming of that enthusiasm as the years went on but uh, hey.

Majima being so god damn deflective while Saejima's in the middle of revealing all his motivations for going to Hawaii. He says 3 whole lines during that part of the cutscene but it's all so Majima-like it hurts (this part's gonna be Long):

• "Told him that, huh?" (responding to Saejima recounting what Majima told Shigaki about not wanting to go to Hawaii) - Majima trying to act nonchalant/aloof while knowing what Saejima's about to start bringing up, trying to act that way even though we all know damn well that he remembers perfectly (and probably painfully) well how he acted/what he said before going to Hawaii, considering the circumstances surrounding the whole situation. His body language also starts to change from here; he turns his head to look directly at Saejima when talking to him less often, spends more time looking ahead/up/down/avoiding direct eye contact in general even when Saejima turns to look him while speaking multiple times/for prolonged periods of time (istg I could talk about Majima's body language in serious moments like these literally forever but I'll try to keep it brief) • "Kid's always been a ball breaker" (lmao) - Paired with the line before this one (Daigo's reaction to Majima). He tries to sidestep the actual point of mentioning what Daigo said, (directly exposing just how much Majima changes when Kiryu is around/involved) with feigned exasperation, and once again does not actually acknowledge Saejima's point. His body language also changes again to something more restless; (adjusts his posture from the previously relaxed way he was leaning against the car, looks away from Saejima completely, starts tapping his foot/bouncing his leg, lifting his cigarette without actually taking a drag from it) • And then of course the big one: "Well, still just a dream in the end. Stupid or not." Up until this point, Majima hasn't said anything of any actual substance until Saejima directly namedrops Kiryu. It's about the most he actually says of any worth regarding his feelings towards Kiryu himself, but that line alone reveals so much about his feelings not only in that moment, but likely the feelings he's had throughout the series towards Kiryu. It's totally unfiltered, for once, showing off his resignation from not only his inability to help Kiryu by the end of this game but likely also the weight of chasing after Kiryu all these years (again, "Guys our age are supposed to be smart enough not to go chasin' legends." Cue Majima always chasing after Kiryu/what Kiryu wants for literal decades). It's a Singular straight answer after two deflections but it says so damn much, especially coming from Majima himself. • I also just wanna note the quick range of expressions Majima's face goes through when Saejima says "Yeah, too bad about that 'elixir of eternal life.'"

↓

‎

Apart from the different expressions he makes themselves, I think it's so fucking interesting (read: painful) how this occurs when Saejima (who, by the way, is at that moment not looking at Majima) is technically supposed to be the one that the player's eyes are focused on in that moment, since he's the one speaking. The camera doesn't try to manipulate the focus of the shot to hide Majima's expressions/feelings, they don't cut him out of the frame, they don't actually do anything to directly hide Majima's face at all, but most people (including Saejima himself) would miss this regardless, because it's done in a moment where, theoretically, nobody would or should be looking. Hell, even when the camera gives us a Direct close-up shot of Majima's face when Saejima mentions Kiryu ("Kazuma Kiryu. You never could give up on that one.") his expression doesn't betray too much of how he feels, but it's only once focus is finally taken away from him that he becomes most expressive. (rgg has always been so good with showing off characters' feelings with microexpressions and I feel like this applies to Majima especially. the same kind of thing happened in y0 when he saw Makoto at the end of the game (another scene that I could analyze for hours). The times when he doesn't speak and just. Reacts subtly and potentially subconciously with his face are ironically some of the moments where he says the most about himself. Go off king don't openly express your thoughts or feelings at all 🔥🔥🔥) • And then after all that (when Saejima looks at Majima again) Majima changes the topic to Noah. You could argue that Saejima, with bringing everything before that up, was trying to open up the opportunity for discussion on Majima's part about his behavior/feelings towards Kiryu, however this was largely unsuccessful. He only succeeds in this when he finally just says Kiryu's name outright (which, by the way, surprised me so much when I first watched the cutscene. I thought they were going to keep dancing around saying Kiryu's name directly/only implying him for the rest of that conversation, but I straight up gasped when Saejima said his whole name like that. It was significant, and Saejima wanted it to be, too), and even then that success is only marginal. It's enough for Majima to finally give away one of his "real" thoughts, completely unfiltered, about as straightforward as it's gonna get, just Once in that whole part of their conversation, but after that he immediately goes to pivot the topic of the conversation to something else. Which like, damn. Damn. That's pretty crazy.

The final detail I wanna mention, (this one I think mostly everyone got) was the way that Majima repeats his line from the beginning of the game "Where do I begin? That's right… (etc)." I love how they decided to have Majima say that line again differently, because the differences say so much. The version from the beginning of the game is said in a deeper more "intimidating" tone. The whole point of it is for story-telling drama, the theatrics, specifically to entertain/pique the interest of an audience, but the way he says it to Kiryu is much more easy-going and authentic. Ironically, it's once he leaves the player's sights and once he's with Kiryu that he discards the theatrics, where he simply shows off his fully genuine self re-telling the story. (One thing I will note is that the eng sub/dub translated that line so it would be different in the beginning and end ("Alright -- let's set things straight." (to player) -> "Where do I begin? That's right." (to Kiryu) even though he says the same thing twice in the japanese audio. I know that this is so that they can match up Majima's audio with his animations in the english dub, and they reuse the eng dub captions even for the japanese dub, and while I do not neccessarily. Like that. It does hammer in the tone difference between the way he speaks to the player vs. to Kiryu further (again, trying to be more intimidating vs. more easy going), which is an okay consolation if nothing else). I just think it's crazy to hear him talk like that with Kiryu after all this time, considering that he usually only talks this directly with Kiryu in fleeting moments. No high-pitched voice/fluctuating tones, no "Yo, Kiryu-chan", just being straightforward and to the point. Man. God.

It's been 4 days since I beat this game and everytime I see someone post about it or think about it for more than 10 seconds I die and explode into a million pieces. At some point I want to 100% this game so I can get as much dialogue/as many details as possible (also the game's just really fun lol), but for now I am just rotating this cutscene in my head forever and ever in an endless cycle. I am so sorry for posting about this game like everyday but I am so unwell over it it's not even funny I hope you can forgive me </333

[finchfin]

Like parent, like child. For now, Phoenix feels the best using they/them pronouns. :)

Transcript and some comments under the cut. (I just figured out how to insert the "keep reading" thing into a post. Magical.)

Comments: Brought back captions for this because I wanted to put the conversation in-world instead of me just describing what's going on. I waffled between having Phoenix use a gnc parental term like "opie" "renny" "pama" etc. for Thistle for a long time, but eventually decided that Thistle would probably want to just be called their name. I do think Whitney would like to be called Mom though, so what I'm wondering (if anyone is reading this lmao) is if it's confusing for Thistle to be called their name and Whitney to be called Mom. Also, I tried to make the explanation of gender roles simplified for this as Phoenix is still a kid and figuring these things out for the first time, so I hope that makes sense too. I am open to critiques on if it doesn't work though.

TRANSCRIPT:

Phoenix: Mom, can I talk to Thistle for a second?

Whitney: Of course, baby! I'll be cooking downstairs if you want to join afterwards.

Thistle: What's up, little bird?

Phoenix: Um...well...

Phoenix: How did you know you weren't a boy or a girl?

Thistle: Hmm...grandma told you I came from a wish, right? I wasn't really born like you were. I never really could figure out gender like the other kids seemed to.

Phoenix: Well...I don't know if I feel like a boy like the other kids do. But I didn't come from a wish.

Phoenix: What makes me a boy, and not a girl?

Thistle: How do I explain this...it's all the way you're supposed to act. Boys are supposed to act differently than girls because it's what we're told is normal. Like the clothes we wear-girls are told they're supposed to wear skirts, and boys are told they can't.

Phoenix: But you never told me I couldn't wear a skirt.

Thistle: Just because it's what the world we live in tells us to do, doesn't mean we have to. I don't fit into a "boy" or a "girl", and some people don't like that because they don't understand why people break their made up gender rules.

Phoenix: So, I don't have to be a boy if I don't feel like one?

Thistle: Of course not, little bird. You can be whoever you want to be.

Phoenix: Okay! I want to try being like you.

Thistle: You want to be called "they" instead of "he"?

Phoenix: Yeah!

Thistle: Alright. I'll tell your teachers. And if you need me to explain it to your friends or their parents, let me know.

Phoenix: My friends all know about you. I think they'll get it.

Thistle: I'm proud of you, little bird. We can talk more about this too. I'm here for you, always.

Phoenix: Thanks, Thistle! I love you.

Thistle: I love you too.

[waihtie]

There's a good chance I'll spend the day watching a later season, so I'll get one episode closer

Season 4 Episode 12 - Criss Angel is a Douchebag

○ We're gonna get drama from magic trick performers. Fun.

● I'm guessing one wants to be the best so they'll use real magic

○ Yup. One was about to die by not escaping his trick fast enough, then a different one died somewhere else the same way.

○ Now that one wants to try a very tricky escape. Someone else is gonna die when he fails.

○ LMAO these old men sent Dean to a BDSM place and got him to ask for this big dude

○ They're at 34 Seals broken

● Ruby and Sam are fighting about how he's not working that right now

● And that she wants him to use his psychic powers. He's trying not to.

○ Okay Dude's gonna hang himself in a trick. The young famous one's gonna die instead

● Yup

○ Their talk about getting (or not getting) old 🥺🥺🥺 Dean knows he never will. Sam wants to be able to end it all so they don't have to hunt.

○ Another trick. Another death. Woah. It was the dude I thought was behind it who died. That leaves one possibility. Woah. It's not that one possibility. So many twists and turns.

● He died. But now he's young again. Been doing this since Barnum

○ This season has been low on the tied up counts. Dean's being hanged, Sam's strapped to an escape trick. That puts them at 2 and 1

○ Sam just agreed to do what Ruby wants from him because

"I don't want to be doing this when I'm an old man"

[qoldenskies]

OUGH thank you so much for answering- this fic haunts my mind in the best possible way.. I'm looking forward to the epilogue, no pressure to finish quickly!! I had another thought pop up, since he said he didn't want to lose April too in cc, does that mean he'd never have that app installed to keep April from downloading that app, since he wouldn't want her to be upset?

And you mentioned Donnie only wanting to go to Raph if it's something worth going to him for, what does Donnie consider worthy?

Does Leo ever once think to himself that all of it could have been avoided if they'd just listened to him and not gone to that new place to eat?

This one might seem odd, I apologize for that- Is Donnie sensitive to being yelled at in general, or just from his brothers specifically? Like if an audio is shouting at the screen, is he triggered?

How did the showing of the sheet of Donnie's mistakes go down? I might have missed this somehow- apologies about that. /gen

Okay I have to say this again. I GENUINELY LOVE HOW YOU WRITE I feel exactly like I'm in the story it's crazy... If it were a hardbook I would buy it /pos

YIPPEEEEEE MORE!!! :DDDD

does that mean he'd never have that app installed to keep April from downloading that app, since he wouldn't want her to be upset?

it's already said and done at this point and there's a VERY good chance donnie has forgotten about it lol. i think he'd needed access to april's phone in order to install it so there's a good chance he'd nabbed it and done that when she wasnt looking at some point (the little shit lmao) so he cant go and remove it remotely, and if he ever ends up remembering i think she'd kinda shut him down because its convenient. it WAS right when it went off and im sure they've already had a discussion about it where april thanked him for the sentiment and agreed to keep it because an antivirus was a good thing, but made a point about donnie doing shit like that behind her back lmao. dont touch her stuff without permission!!

donnie definitely wouldn't end up putting trackers in them, though! its mentioned as something he's considering pretty early in CL but it doesnt end up happening, and i think he'd be worried about it being too big an invasion of privacy. he wouldn't want them to be upset if they found out-- although there's a chance they might voluntarily go with the idea if he ever brings it up. ironically, that'd probably be a post-invasion conversation, because i could see the paranoia of them being hurt again spurring him into it.

And you mentioned Donnie only wanting to go to Raph if it's something worth going to him for, what does Donnie consider worthy?

donnie would very rarely approach raph unless its kind of paired with a real "reason", which usually means most talks they have are utilitarian and productive. things about the team, mostly, or something in relation to one of the others. or maybe donnie's bringing up an idea for team support, or offering to fix something for him (the weight rack haunts him, and he doesn't even remember it), or just wanting him to give a gift and needing an idea of what to scope out first. things like that.

he looks for raph's pride and appreciation more than anything. he wants to hear a "good job" and raph is increasingly more reluctant to give it, mostly because he knows donnie is prone to overworking behind their backs and he doesn't want to validate self-destructive behavior like that. its really hard to find the line especially because donnie will freak out if he gets too confrontational. "we dont want you to do good, helpful things if it hurts you to do them" is a concept that is REALLY hard for him to grasp. you know how in coming undone he hears "we dont want you to" and thinks it means "we dont want you"? yeah

raph works around it by being the one to initiate, usually. even if donnie needs something from him he's not going to be the one to come to him, so raph tries his hardest to bridge the gap and seem approachable. it's kind of awkward when they just hang out one by one, doing something together instead of just engaging in parallel play, because its been so long and both of them are so careful about appeasing the other, but they figure it out slowly.

Does Leo ever once think to himself that all of it could have been avoided if they'd just listened to him and not gone to that new place to eat?

to this day they do not know it was because they went there,,, leo mentions the night after where they cuddle up together only because its the last time they ever really do something like that, but they mention a lot that they dont remember exactly when it started (and the weight rack is earlier than their earliest estimate!), with the onset being so slow and with their thought processes being so clouded by all these excuses and rationalizations, its hard to say for sure. what's an extension of how they already acted and what isnt? they'll never really know.

if he learned about it though, oh yeah. this time he would not be reveling in being right, and if he was the only one who learned about it he would NEVER tell mikey, considering he was the one who was so pushy about going there in the first place.

leo thinks the most about how witch town was caused by what he perceives as his own negligence. i think all of them have a tendency to see their old selves as a lot worse than they actually were-- because they cared about donnie a lot and they did take care of him when he needed it. leo's the worst about it, because while raph and mikey will get caught up on the idea of knowing about witch town at all, leo's quicker to cut to the core of the problem-- would have donnie ever lashed out like that if they'd just known, and been able to reassure him, before it ever got to that point? why did leo's stupid younger self have to dismiss all of the signs?? miner's eulogy heavily features this thought process, which is why learning about witch town makes him react so badly in the first place.

Is Donnie sensitive to being yelled at in general, or just from his brothers specifically? Like if an audio is shouting at the screen, is he triggered?

donnie was already bad with yelling even before the Horrors and that's just because he's incredibly sound-sensitive and jumpy. if strangers yell he's bound to fall over like a baby goat regardless, which i think is just kind of intensified in cc!donnie. more likely he'll bolt like a skittish cat if he's shocked by a sudden noise like that. where is he even going? who knows. he just took off LMAO

otherwise i think it just really depends. there's bound to be a lot of shouting in battle so i think after a while he'll become desensitized to it, but i think if he was watching something that hit a little too close to home he'd probably just kind of freeze. i dont think he'd go fully dissociative but his breath would catch and he'd be slow to respond if they talked to him, and they honestly just might mistake it as him being drowsy/falling asleep until they notice him shaking. for some reason my brain went to tangled,, certain parts around the end there might hit a little close to home for obvious reasons.

How did the showing of the sheet of Donnie's mistakes go down? I might have missed this somehow- apologies about that. /gen

it happened specifically away from donnie because raph knew it was going to upset leo and mikey a LOT, especially because both of them would demand details, it's just the type of people they are-- idk i've always just kind of assumed in my head that raph would physically be able to show it to them since he was already given donnie's permission to, dont think about logistics too hard. it was a really rough conversation though, especially tangibly seeing the way that the curse pre-closet fucked him up. it just gets worse the more you think about it.

a wall was probably punched. and it was probably leo (and donnie never sees this, the way that it affected him, because leo keeps such a tight hold on his anger and despair for his sake). and raph knew something like that was going to happen, which is why he kept it away from him. there's multiple times especially early in cw where they do things like this, talk about things that donnie expressed privately (or things they only witnessed, like raph catching donnie sleep on the floor), it's just the only time it's shown in donnie's perspective and he really ruminates on it. it was probably the right choice to make, raph just should've been more clear it was what he meant. mikey the mvp for being so open about things tbh

mwah mwah <33

[yapper1020]

This is most definitely gonna flop but I wrote this fic about Carmy in therapy today and it's too short to post on ao3 so imma post it here. It's still a bit long and I'm aware the way Carmen talks in this is out of character but my mind would not be stopped. I had to write it like this. I apologize for any typos.

Disclaimer that I have never been to therapy but enjoy I guess lmao.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"There's uh, there's this thing in my chest. I forget the name of it sometimes. Too busy thinking about my hands to focus on the rest of my parts. It keeps you alive. The heart. It's the center of everything. The powerhouse. Or at least, it's supposed to be."

"How do you mean?" Doctor Scott, his therapist, asks him. And fuck it all really, because is he even therapy material? Is he not too far gone? Natalie doesn't think so. That's who he's here for.

Natalie.

Sydney.

Richie.

The list can go on for days.

And he'll still be here in this room. Wondering if he's worth anything.

"That, uh, that probably sounded confusing," he chuckles, a humorless sound. "I guess I mean emotionally. My heart isn't in charge. Am I making sense?"

"Please, continue."

"Uh, o-okay." Swallows. It feels like glass shredding his throat. The dread. "It's my mind that handles shit. I've always dealt with everything like an equation even though I'm terrible at math...so no, actually. I treat everything like a dish. Clean plate or messy. Sharp corners or abstract shapes. Light or heavy. Big or small. Everything is how it's supposed to be. Even if you hate it. Even if you hate yourself for doing it." A breath. Shuddering and small. "And when a plate is fucked, you abandon it." A finger against a nose. Nail scratching against bone.

"My mother hated me - hates me because I'm something to hate. I'm easy to dislike. I was made to be her punching bag. Acceptance. That's what I did to handle that. I was never meant to be loved by my mother or father. Not in a normal way. Not in a healthy way. Not in a real way."

"Why do you feel like that? Like you were meant to be hated?"

"Because...because I hate myself. I told you, I'm easy to dislike."

"Why do you hate yourself?" He says, writing on his pad. As if he is merely a name on a paper. Is that what he's worth? An easily scribbled, merely incomprehensible note on a doctor's form. Simply and only a patient to people paid to take care of him? Because everyone else has given up?

"I am boring. Lifeless. I am lifeless because I am bloodless and because I am bloodless, I am pale. Ugly. Deformed."

"Is that what you think of your appearance? Or something you were told? By your mother, perhaps?"

"Both." He touches his nose. Squints his eyes. "Uh," a sigh. A cry for help. "I'm not fun to be around. Most times I'm paralyzed in my own mind. My family says I need to calm down. Unwind. Relax. Unclench my ass. I don't fucking know how to do that. Since I was born, everything was high intensity and fast. Very happy or very sad or so terrifyingly angry. Nothing was done small. Nothing was ever fucking calm. I was raised in chaos so therefore I must've have been for it. It must be all that I can be. All that I can create. A creature is born to is born to a certain habitat because that is the only way it can live or try too. Only in those conditions. So if the conditions are violent, the creature is by nature, by its calling, violent. It's the only way it can survive. I was bred to be loveless and unlovable, and cruel, and unkind."

I was born to not know love.

It does not know me.

And I do not know it.

"Everyone runs from an oncoming train. Unless they want to get hurt." He continues.

"Carmen, I can't help but notice that you have a very poor outlook of yourself."

"Most people do." He tries to joke but he's never been one for humor. Doctor Scott does not laugh. Suddenly, "you sound like Sydney," he says.

"What does Sydney say?"

"She tells me I'm unkind to myself."

"She's right."

"She always is." He responds, almost defensively. Shifting on the hard cushion.

"Who is Sydney?"

"My partner." He motions for Carmen to continue but he doesn't, not understanding.

"Who is Sydney to you?"

"My partner."

"No. Not in a work capacity, Carmen."

"Why-why do you ask?"

"You smiled."

"What?"

"When you mentioned her. You smiled. For the first time in the forty-five minutes we've been here."

"Well...I only know her fully in a work capacity. I barely know her outside of that."

"What do you know about her outside of that?"

"She is shy. And she's fierce. And she's awkward. And she bottles everything in. I wish she wouldn't. Her nose crinkles when she thinks. Her voice goes quiet when she asks for something. Her jokes are awful but she loves to tell them anyway. She smiles with her nose and her eyes. She's not afraid of me so I fear her power."

"You fear her?"

"I fear what she can do. She tells me when I'm wrong. When I'm being an asshole. She doesn't give me grace. Like Richie or Nat. And I don't think she should, I honestly don't want her to. She meets me toe to toe except...I am the monster and she's the queen. I'm not used to that. I'm used to fighting monsters. Do I sound like a nursery rhyme? I think I do."

The doctor's mouth does not move.

"She can leave me and not be broken. But if she leaves me...I won't ever be whole. Forever indented by the lack of her presence."

"So she means a lot to you?"

"She consumes me. But if I do the same to her, she'll be gone forever. Lost to the grayness of my being. I would never see her again except, she'd be right in front of me. And that would be infinitely worse."

"You think you are a danger to her?"

"I know I am. But I can't let her go and for some reason I can't fucking understand, she won't leave me. She is angry at me. But she won't go. She looks at me like she believes in me. She is stubborn to show me something I can't even fathom. She wants me to learn it. But I don't even think she's aware of what she's doing."

"And what's that?"

"She is trying to show me love. Or she has already shown me it. But I can't process it. So I scream and she does it back. And sometimes, I see her crying at closing and my mind factory resets so I don't have to think of how I'm the cause of it. I ignore pain. Whether from me or others because I only, always, make it worse. And the next day, I treat her with kindness or rather, I treat her with a lack of anger and hope she smiles. She rarely does."

"You always make it worse?"

"When I was five, Natalie got cut. I tried to help, ran to get a band aid. What I didn't realize is that the first aid kit had a pool of my mother's brandy in it. It was on the bandage. It burned Natalie. I made it worse. Yes, I always do." A beat of silence and Carmen rubs at his chest. "I'm tired of talking." His mouth is dry, his eyes are wet.

"Well, you have an hour left but we don't have to talk. We can just sit."

Carmen nods. He talks anyway. "Sydney is hopeful. Sydney is optimistic. I'm a pessimist. We shouldn't work. But we try anyway. And sometimes, it's like flying. Others, it's like falling straight into the abyss. We clash but I don't want to lose her. So I do what I do best."

"What's that?"

"I cook. I speak through food. Vegetables, fruits, meats. They're all letters and seasonings are periods and commas and exclamation points. That is my language. She speaks it too. That is how we were introduced even though I didn't know that we met at the time. She ate one of my dishes. And somehow, impossibly, she was inspired. She sought me out. I think she might regret it." His brow furrows. "Hey, doc. She's the only person other than family I can apologize too, why's that?"

"Maybe because you care about her."

"I care about a lot of people. She's the only one I can speak too. Say what I mean."

"Well, how do you feel about her?" There's a freckle on his nose. An imperfection Carmen finds. He was trained to find imperfections. In dishes and chefs below him and around him. To break them. To surpass them.

I'm gonna smoke this motherfucker!

But never the chefs above him. They were supposed to break him. To mold him. To make him hard and callused and cruel. Except it didn't take them that long to make him that way. Had a natural knack for it, it seems.

"How do you mean?"

"I mean, how does Sydney make you feel?"

"Uh, you know that moment after a storm? When everything goes quiet. The earth stops shaking. The sky stops screaming. But it's still wet and dreary, there's mud everywhere. You stay inside because it's warm and you're dry and you're safe."

"Sydney feels like that to you?"

"Sydney is that to me."

"You said you can't process love but I think you are. I believe you are learning."

"It doesn't matter whether I'm learning something good. Because I can't unlearn all the bad. I can't unlearn the way my mother's hands curl around a wine bottle. Or how she snarled like a beast when she looked at me. I can't unlearn the way my father left without so much as a goodbye or even a glance back. I can't unlearn how Natalie's nose flares when she cries. And I can't unlearn how Micheal breathed like two hands were choking his lungs. I can't forget that shit. I am that shit." There's a mirror in the room. Everything about him is red when he sees his reflection. "I am my mother's pleas and her accusations. I am my father's son. I have his eyes. I have his ears, I have his tendency to leave. I am my mother's anger and her wretched uncommon happiness. I am the reason for her rage and the target of her calamity. I am my brother's only hope and his dying wish. I am his disappointment and his pride. I am the thoughts that killed him. I'm the one person my sister couldn't get to stay so I am the root of her unhappiness. I am the reason she stays up at night yet still am one of the partakers of her kindness. I am my family's blood and I carry all their scars. I am the outcast. I carry all the darkness because I am strange and they can't understand me so Ma put all the problems on me because I was already misshapen so why not a bit more stretching and pulling until I no longer have a form but am just merely a fog that travels within the spaces they all long to ignore. Those crevices that ache and moan and bitch, that is where I live. In my family's sorrow. In their every fear. In the reason they give up. I am a Berzatto which means I am heartbroken and lonely and full of a fury I can't control. It is my birthright. It is burned into the mechanical nature of my matter. I am loud and intolerable. I move without feeling. I will tear you apart with my teeth like a bear and I will loathe myself for it afterward. I'll give anyone my all but all of me is not something people usually want. I am without a place and without a purpose to any other human being unless I am serving them."

"Except to your family."

"They're my family. They have to love me anyway."

"Except to Sydney?"

It stumps Carmen. His mouth shuts.

"Would you like to talk about your brother?" He nearly has whiplash.

"My brother...I loved him."

"I know."

"He was everything I wanted to be and everything I didn't."

"Can you expound on that?"

"He'd get into fights a lot. But he had passion. He stood up for himself. People liked him. I so desperately wanted to be liked or understood. Nobody got me. They'd try but not really. Sydney gets me."

"So your brother was your role model, would you say?"

"He was my inspiration."

"And when he died?"

"Everything lost its flavor."

The doctor seemingly understanding that his client speaks in the tongue of a chef more than the tongue of a human taps his pen and asks, "and when could you taste again?"

"Sydney made risotto. It needed acid. But I still thought it was perfect. But I didn't tell her that. I diminished her instead."

"Like your mother diminished you?"

His jaw clenches, his eyes water. "Yes." He admits, brokenly.

"Carmen. You're right. You can't forget the things you witnessed in your childhood and adulthood. You can't forget the way you were treated. But you can change. You can be different. You can break away from the things you learned and become new. You can be the person you want to be."

...

It's cold when Carmen makes it outside.

His lips are dry.

His fingers are numb.

His mind feels loopy.

So when he sees Sydney leaned up against her car, he thinks he might be hallucinating.

He walks toward his hallucination with purpose. She smiles at him and he frowns.

"Sydney?"

"Hey!" She rubs her hands together, bracing against the wind. "How'd it go?"

"It uh," he looks back at the office and squints. "It went." He shrugs, not knowing what to say. It was heavy and it was long. And he's tired. She understands that immediately.

"Yeah, these things can be rough."

"Why are you here?" He asks but not unkindly.

"To drive you home."

"You didn't have to do that."

"Dude, it's like ten fucking degrees, I didn't want you to freeze."

"I wouldn't freeze." He says back, confused.

She sucks her teeth and rolls her eyes. "I wanted to be with you after that shit. Okay? Happy?"

He stares at her. She is the sun, he is the moon. Always on one side of the sky but rarely together. He thinks they should become an everlasting eclipse.

She hugs him. Her arms squeeze him so hard that he feels again.

He sighs.

His nose burns from the chill.

He is home.

[softdrafts]

@imma-potatoo okay so this is gonna be a long text lmao

I can see him being AuDHD! I don't have scenes to prove it but I can totally imagine him lacking social cues for example! Or even having trouble with social interactions and making new friends... And having hyperfocus as mentioned before!

I'm wondering what it was like for Ben on the college... I feel like he might have felt excluded. And the undiagnosed AuDHD symptoms must have been the worst.

And talking about hyperfocus, HE TOTALLY HYPERFOCUSED ON THAT DINO CONSPIRACY. That's why he discovered that website, and discovered Camp Fam were being followed... That board he created with the names lmao, he hyperfocused so hard that I BET he forgot to even eat.

About the socks, omg I wished there was a scene abt it bc I can totally see that lmao!

And let's talk about HUGS! Because for me Darius is the type of autistic person who crave hugs from his loved ones, and Ben is more neutral about them ! But when Darius hugs him he'll always gets surprised, since Darius gives Ben the tightest hugs <3

And abt the dino special interest, I have a headcanon about it on this post here! I think Ben doesn't remember as much facts abt dinos as Darius bc first: Darius's been into paleontology a lot longer than Ben, and second: I hc that Ben memory is not the best (maybe bc of the ADHD? Idk ).

About contamination OCD, I tried to imagine it but I can't 😭🙏 so feel free to make ur comments abt what I interpreted from jwcc and jwct :

Maybe bc he eats on a boot on jwct season 1, I kinda see him as having trouble with organizing stuff, doing chores, and with eating properly, not with contamination.

That thing he had on jwcc s1 abt contamination is, for me, more of a fear his parents tried to implement on him.

I feel like, during s2- s3, he found his way out of this habit making it really less recurrent bc he started doing what he truly wanted to do, and stoped to base his actions on insecurities that I personally think were caused by his parents... So basically I feel like that " habit" he had on s1 has not enough frequency for it being a compulsion u know?

And this doesn't mean after season 2 he doesn't have insecurities anymore, I'm just saying some of his fears were suppressed by his desire of being free to be himself...

Oh, and I love how his character arc have this frequently metaphor about "changing". I say that since wanting changes is a common thing for ADHDers...

Something like... two years ago, someone posted the benrius version of this meme AND I CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE so I edited it again by myself bc I JUST CAN'T UNSEE IT

[bubbarnes]

“... for the first time I actually have to wear a suit and tie as Bucky Barnes and every time some stuff would slip out.”

[noazhere]

Silly comic below

[essektheylyss]

My thing about Veth potentially venturing into polyamory is that I do think everyone involved would be perfectly fine with it and happy to help her experiment, and I think that no matter how they do it, it would not fix her. This isn't to say that she wouldn't get any benefit out of trying! It's just to say that it's not a solution to her actual problem, because I genuinely don't think the problem is that she's lacking any one thing that would make her life complete.

Fundamentally, I think Veth struggles with the idea that there will come a point at which she has to settle. Not in a bad way, just in the sense that she is one person with one life and she will have to live within those bounds. Because the thing is, I don't really think her issue ends at struggling to "have it all"; to an extent she does! She is a good parent, even if her kid is a little rebellious; her marriage is supportive (and has fun sex); she gets to go off to save the world with Yeza's blessing on occasion, when the world needs saving. She doesn't have all of these things all the time, but... that's not really a flaw, that's just a fact of life.

But she started out her adult life settling to an extent—even if she loved Yeza and loved being Luc's mom, she did the safe thing that was expected of her. The goblin attack and everything that transpired after shoved her out of that life, but in retrospect, to an extent it likely feels that that pushed her to find something more that she wouldn't have had otherwise. Being pushed to her limit under the worst conditions made her better, stronger, braver, and at the end of it she found that she could have both her original life and much of her new life—so why wouldn't she then wonder if further experiences of that ilk could do the same?

Crucially, she has not actually run up against a hard limit yet, and as such she hasn't had reason to believe that there is a point at which she has to stop and recognize that there isn't more for her to find. When she was drinking more heavily during missions, even when it caused the death of herself or others, there were no long-term consequences. And the thing is, I'm not saying that she should face that kind of major consequence, but she seems as though she is scared to accept that maybe she could be happy if she stopped before she does.

I'm also not suggesting that she should stop experimenting or trying new things—the Luxon knows I am not one to talk in that realm—but I do think she is searching for novelty not because that would make her happy, but because she doesn't believe that she has the capacity to know what would make her happy. She was unaware that polyamory was even an option, so think of what else she might not be aware of! She doesn't have perfect knowledge of the world, after all, so how can she trust that she's found what she really wants? So yeah, she could fuck someone else, and it might even be an enjoyable experience that she didn't know was missing! But that only prolongs the question of what else she might be missing.

I think that deep down, she's terrified that if she doesn't keep pushing until that external hard limit, she will end up with regrets later, and simultaneously she is resentful that her friends all seem to have reached a point where they are largely content with what they have, because she wants them to have everything. She wants herself to have everything. And she has not yet allowed herself to come to terms with the fact that only she can determine when the everything of what she already has is enough, and anything else is the cherry on top.

[lilybug-02]

Artfight against @ejsuperstar ft. The Mad King and Chip. They're both so evil. I hope they have the most extravagant downfall of any onscreen villain.

This interaction is based on a little fic writing >:)

[mamawasatesttube]

coming out as boring or whatever but i must admit. i don't actually find boomer-sitcom-esque "i hate my wife"/"my partner is annoying and naggy"/"its cute and quirky to shit on my partner" jokes funny even if you make them gay. sorry. but its my truth.

[vaguely-concerned]

every so often, varric will write a black fox story. not anything fancy or for publication or anything, just for fun and because he knows hawke has a soft spot for them. ("an intrepid hero getting into and out of all kinds of trouble and the merry band of misfits following inseparably in his wake? can't imagine why".) some of them are experimental, some of them are straightforward retellings; they're generally pretty short and quick to do, so he allows himself to play around with form and genre and language more than he does in his professional work. stretching over the span of almost twenty years as they do, they contain some of his favourite pieces of his own writing, and some of the most '...was I huffing lyrium fumes or drunk or both for this one, hawke? what the actual hell is this' pieces. hawke keeps every single one of them. varric speculates that this is either because they're just that sentimental, or possibly that it's for future blackmailing purposes. he usually has one ready for their birthday. they have so much blackmail material on him anyway by this point, he figures, what's one more piece of ammunition going to do one way or the other.

varric finishes one of these black fox tales a couple of nights before he brings rook with him to minrathous — the last one. it's about the very last black fox story, the one where the black fox and his friends all disappear together into the depths of arlathan forest, where those in the know say you can find them to this very day, if you know where to look, or if you ever find yourself in trouble and in need of a helping hand. they'll turn up to aid a traveller in need, and disappear back between the shaded trees again once the day is saved, squabbling all the way, seeking treasures and unlikely quests yet unfound and unimagined.

they say on some days, you can hear them as laughter and friendly bickering on the wind from a couple of clearings over. it's not the end, it's just other adventures, some other place. that's the thing about stories. they're funny that way.

(once he wrote a book for his mother on her deathbed and read it to her through the comfortless and drawn-out hours of the troubled nights, and he burned the book the day she died and never spoke of it again.)

after he finishes the manuscript, he sits with it for a long time in the quiet and the candlelight before he wraps it up properly and sends it off back home to kirkwall. he attaches a note -- a story, to the best of all my stories, the one I'd tell forever if I could. take care of each other while I'm gone. first one to arrive saves seats at the bar, right? happy birthday, and send all my lack of love to the merchant's guild, as always. —Varric

he sends that to hawke. just in case. and then he gets up and he goes to find rook — it's time to get going.

[kyouka-supremacy]

(˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

[wazzappp]

I love thinking about how this would go down with them

[akkivee]

rei: it’s freedom that you’re looking for. you’ve been having doubts. “why were we created?” “what drove the person who created us?” until you find the truth, you feel as if you can never be free from the shackles that bind you. am i on the money?

ghost rei: …hm. aren’t you the same, though? i will uncover the truths of this world and rewrite its rules. i won’t be dancing along to someone else’s tune. and at the end of it all, it’ll be “i” who will have the last laugh. this is our aim

rei: …i see. so that’s what your endgame looks like. well, the way i see it, to be able to live freely and without restraint is a privilege of the youth

ghost rei: oh? are you saying we are different?

rei: something like that’s just not feasible for me. i’m a guy entangled in societal threads and caught up in all sorts of relationships. but y’know, that’s just how life is

i just wanted to highlight this conversation rei has with his ghost lol, since we just had a conversation on this blog about how bb (and bat lol) by being young, are able fight for change with everything they have and how adults are usually too weighed down by society to fight in the same way

[statementlou]

I do want to say that I feel a but relieved that it was not suicide per say(as it looks like till now) , most likely a drug overdose case gone wrong here. With this, atleast I feel Liam was not actively trying to end things for himself in a way.. it is accidental but all more tragic that it could be prevented if people used their brains!

learning that made me feel better too... but then also worse... but then better again... like it's all just fucking terrible. In the end it does make me feel better that he wasn't suffering that acutely in that way in that moment, that was really so horrific to imagine and live with, and of course for the people in his actual life who survive him the guilt would have been unbearable. I do feel better ever since I, also, reached that conclusion from reading about what happened. But also... he didn't want to die, he wanted to stay around and keep doing things and trying. And he's gone. And that's just so tragic and fucking useless. I let spotify Get me earlier with their 'remember Liam' playlist and listening to him say "I want to get better" and "I want to be a better man" in song after song.... it's crushing. I wanted that for him too, for him to have that chance. There are so many ways things could have been better for him, but now all of those possibilities are just... dead. It's just garbage, I hate death and people dying and I'm really honestly just fucking sick of it.