#HE GOT TO SAY THE STAR TREK THING!!!!!!!!
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Enkay Watches the Imp and Skizz Podcast #127 (featuring @joehills)
First of all, if you are not watching Joe Hills on either youtube or twitch, DO IT!!!! He's streaming pretty much every day and the conversations are always so interesting and he has the best little windows into the workings of Hermitcraft. Folks will pop by and have super interesting conversations with him! He's one of my favorite hermits and I think his unique way of experiencing minecraft, life, and hermitcraft is something that deserves more eyes on it, because I know people are sleeping on him.
First off, THIS is how you show up to the Imp and Skizz Podcast! Classy, on brand, and unique!
I love Impulse's little nest of pillows, he's so cozy nestled in there, holding his mandated amount of water like a security blanket
I love that the reason they wanted Joe on was to talk about the coup SPOILERS: they never even touch on it
joe's dad being a logician makes so much sense tbh
"a creationist universe where god wants you dead and i play minecraft like a greek hero idiot" is such an amazing way to talk about super hostile maps
HOW IS IT THAT JOE AND SKIZZ BOTH HAVE EDGAR ALLEN POE ANECDOTES OFF THE DOME
Joe having his wedding taking place during the recess of a vehicular manslaughter trial feels so strange and yet so Joe
JOE HILLS FULL NAME DROP?????
"YOU'VE GOTTA BE JOE KING" okay he mentioned on stream that there was a joke that maybe two people would get and I will proudly claim to be one of the two.
"fighting to become an artist" is so validating to Skizz's journey so far. It's gonna be his year anniversary of being a hermit soon and im gonna get emotional about his path this last year
Joe WOULD put on the Scottish Parliament sessions as background noise, love that
"I don't trust any platform with my art. I'm the one that makes the art and the audience is the one that appreciates my art" "I need to be as platform/brand agnostic as possible" "next time Amazon does something terrible to the unions" 👏👏👏
CHEERS REFERENCE, SKIZZ'S SITCOM BRAIN IS ACTIVATED
talking about his streams like a bar and like,,,,, he's so smart about the role of creators and fandom and i just appreciate joe so much
it's funny that they're shocked about the relationships can be formed within fandoms when like,,,,, that's how they met tango
((also if we talk regularly and read this i love you guys <3))
skizz, the worst chat reader ever i love you
i need hermitcraft standup. please. custom texture snowballs as tomatoes or flowers to throw
thinking about a younger skizz using a tape recorder to record his 'genius ideas' and quotes he likes and annoying the crap out of his friends
YES JOE AND SKIZZ TALKING ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF COMEDY AND THE STRUCTURE, THEY'RE SUCH AN INTELLECTUAL DUO
I'm glad that we got to hear Joe's JFK impression
COURT CASE TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Bdubs will only let Doc win if it's funnier for doc to win, because that's how guilty doc was"
Joe quoting Sun Tsu and then going on the stand and said "Your Honor, Your Highness, my client is a baby" in an asymetric star trek dress, that's the Joe Hills Difference
"DELICIOUS" skizz i love how schadenfreude you are
"FIVE DIAMONDS PER F TIER BOOK???" impulse my favorite wet cat
"I'll make one sale every two months" and also implying that the shopping district has property taxes
the delivery on "two. some people say four" was SLICK
TUMBLR MCYT SEXYMAN POLL MENTION
"tumblr defines sexyman to mean 'most bizarre, cryptid, creepy thing' " not wrong there.
"well scar is obviously going to win the sexyman competition"
"once i found out that it's for weird, cryptid energy, I knew "oh nevermind I'm gonna win this"
joe hills is my favorite weird guy and he deserved to win
cleo as our nonbinary icon placing third place in the tumblr sexyman poll
All in all, fantastic podcast, and not long enough imo. I hope Joe gets to be there in person one day like he originally envisioned, and there's just an untapped well of information that could go into future podcasts
Reminder that you should subscribe and follow Joe!
BONUS, edited by me, please credit if you use it, I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE you to use it (original screencap under cut):
#joe hills#hermitcraft#hermitblr#imp and skizz#podcast#imp and skizz podcast#impulsesv#skizzleman#impy#skizz#joehills#joehillsTSD#joe hills the hero of the people no one will ever do it like you#regularly scheduled joe hills propaganda
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"This has been the thing I've been afraid of all my life... that I'd go in and not come back... But I guess... if I'm ever going to confront my fear, it might as well be now."
star trek: the next generation - realm of fear, season 6 episode 2
#startrekedit#star trek tng#star trek the next generation#reginald barclay#dwight schultz#star trek#tng#my edits#the way i grabbed my wife by the shoulders and shook her and shrieked HE SAID THE THING!#HE GOT TO SAY THE STAR TREK THING!!!!!!!!#anyway i downloaded 1080p tng so this is my life now probably.#so many gifs.#lieutenant broccoli
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geordi was so fuckin real for casting himself as watson like his idea for a perfect evening was to book out the holodeck and acquire period appropriate outfits just so he could listen to data infodump at length
"we have time for me to be your watson" <- worlds greatest Autism Flirtation
#fred says a thing#star trek#daforge#and he got MAD when data was just solving puzzles he remembered from the books like 'NO i know youre EVEN SMARTER THAN THAT'
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honestly the funniest thing is coming across ppl who are like "bones is so mean to spock 😡😡😡" like spock doesn't go out of his way to be just as big a cunt to mccoy??? it's their LOVE LANGUAGE!!! some of y'all didn't grow up watching tv shows with old broads and old queen-coded men being as cunty as possible to each other OUT OF LOVE. spock spends half his shift on the bridge coming up with mean things to say to his dr the moment mccoy flounce onto the bridge to flirt with jim (affectionate) and spock (derogatory and bloody, there will be no survivors except for them, THEY'RE having a BLAST).
listen when the cards are down they will be thoughtful and worried and touch each other SO gently and fight over who gets to die for each other. all of that is the floor they're standing on. they KNOW that. but GOSH in the meantime they're BOTH having an absolute blast bullying the shit out of each other, bless <3
#c word#since i know a lot of ppl aren't comfortable with it#but i really don't think there's any other word i could substitute because that's THEM lmao#star trek#st:tos#spones#star trek tos#leonard mccoy#spock#mccoy will be having a genuine emotion and spock will go up for a layup and literally dunk the ball ON MCCOY'S HEAD#don't you DARE say he's a poor little meow meow he has TEETH and he will BITE and mccoy's got half-lidded eyes saying BITE MORE PUSSY#and that's LOVE!!!!!#(if you can't guess I've come across one too many spock's a poor little meow meow things recently lmao. he is.......VERY not.)#(EXCEPT when he's hurt and mccoy's trying to help and spock is literally trying to bite his hand off and MCCOY is calling him a poor little#meow meow while PROFUSELY bleeding. that's the ONLY time he's a poor little meow meow)#(if JIM is there then spock will STILL bite mccoy but JIM will be calling him a poor little meow meow and mccoy will be calling him#a sonuvabitch bastard while spock looks up at jim with sad little eyes. jim is wrong in this scenario. mccoy is right. spock is smirking.)
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TNG episode where the ship is taking a bunch of different doctors and scientists to an important medical conference and Worf ends up developing a crush on one of the Vulcan doctors and they get along really well. They both seem lonely and their interactions are sweet. At the same time Worf is trying to beat an unknown opponent at a subspace strategy game which is circulating amongst all the security teams Starfleet-wide (Worf is very good at the game and so is equal parts frustrated and thrilled by this opponent's skill) and during one of their conversations/outings the Vulcan doctor points out a flaw in Worf's opponent's game which he never would have noticed on his own. This doesn't allow him to win necessarily but it does keep them from constantly stalemating one another. The end of the episode has Worf nearly confess to the doctor as they finally reach the conference, but it turns out her husband is waiting for her. Her husband is Tuvok and he was ALSO the opponent which Worf was fighting tooth and nail (on two different fronts?). Tuvok and Worf are both shocked by this and suspicious of one another. Was Worf seducing his wife as a tactic? Was Tuvok using his wife to lower Worf's guard? Doctor T'Pel seems amused, undercutting the tension. Gentlemen, it's only a game. (Both men remember it is indeed only a game and appear sheepish) She wishes Worf well and then gets on the transport, informing the room that her stay on the Enterprise was indeed quite enjoyable. Tuvok & Worf agree to continue playing that game until there is a decisive winner.
#fake star trek...TNG episode!??!? dun dun DUUUN#you're a fool if you didn't think I'd insert Tuvok into any star trek show I watch. By whatever means necessary.#I have NOT watched MUCH TNG so this may not be entirely in character for Worf and if that's the case I'm soooorrry#I got excited bc I like him sorry as if that's a crime is it a crime to LOVE????#Tuvok#T'Pel#Worf#this whole thing is a B plot of course the main plot is something like one of the doctors has an assassination target on their heads#and it could be aaaaany one of them so Worf HAS to be T'Pel's bodyguard its sooo important#T'Pel says she feels safe with him (statement of fact and confidence in his abilities) and he nearly falls over#Worf: I cannot seem to find a way to gain the upper hand with this opponent >/#T'Pel: -looks over and immediately knows who this is- Hm....if I may offer some advice?
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happy belated valentines day quodo upon thee! originally posted on ao3 for the quodo minifest, this was my valentines for @chacusha, who organized the event! i had a ton of fun drawing them and im definitely looking forward to next year <333
+ bonus art based on the comic by Kate Beaton, Javert is in Slash Fiction:
#quodo#quodo minifest#star trek#star trek ds9#Quark/Odo Kiss ///REAL NOT FAKE/// CLICK HERE>>>>>#did someone say quodo rights night??? either way Here it IS <3#i added image descriptions to the alt text but let me know if you need them visible under the post as well!#initially i was going to post this to twitter months ago but alas. re: the state of things and life in general#anyway this was so much fun !! it literally got me motivated to draw...i couldn't stop i had to keep going and did another...then another..#i should compile all the other drawing i did of them bc oh Boy there were a Few#also getting odo's features just right was harder than i thought. meanwhile quark was like BOOM! there he is :)#also did u see the shoe. did u see the shine did u see it. bc i swear im never coloring shoes again#all the refs i had to use.....and if you think i exaggerated quark's fat ass well Think Again i only took from Reality! it's all there bby#my obligatory one art post a year....what was my art tag again.......oh well time to revamp it#myart#also pls go read the other fics!! i know i made a post of this before but i cant believe the one i received back...kisses them.#it was perfect! literally made for me! in fact im reading it right now! wedding of the century by sirenoftitan and Boy was it ever!!!
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it really is SUCH a shame that there’s no episode of TOS where the enterprise crew time jumps to Regency-era England or goes to a planet that modeled its culture on that era or something, because it would truly slap for every single main character. Like I don’t even have to explain why this would be awesome for Spock— Mr. I’ll-smash-a-computer-with-my-bare-hands-before-I’ll-admit-I’m-horny himself, king of repression, who basically recreated the famous Pride and Prejudice Hand Flex Scene™️ with his beloved Captain that one time, who meets a blind woman with a high tech gown that helps her “see” and LITERALLY tells her to give his compliments to her dressmaker, who mislead a woman once about his affections and tenderly promised to safeguard her reputation forever about it, who has the perfect angular features to be set off by a cravat—I mean, you get it, but then you’ve also got Kirk—handsome, affable, brave Naval captain who loves his crew more than himself, who falls in like deep profound love with every woman the plot throws at him—and then McCoy—cantankerous, sure, (ever heard of a grumpy/sunshine trope??) but with impeccable, downright old school manners towards women and, yeah, a doctor’s not that prestigious in Regency times, but for like a young lady in trouble who needs the protection of a man’s name or who just wants to piss off her stuffy aristocrat family by marrying “beneath” them, who could be better? If you throw Scotty in the mix, well, he’s Scottish, which [points at a whole subgenre of regency romance novels] is all he’d really need. I’m just saying they would have CLEANED UP, okay??
#by main character I do mean like main cast/top billing#which is why I’m not including uhura and sulu and chekhov#also because they don’t go off on landing party missions that much they stay on the bridge#I included Scotty because he does go with them more often and also…because he’s Scottish literally#like….do you know how many romance novels are just like ‘Scottish men are irresistible to young English maidens’??#it’s NUTS quite frankly#why aren’t any English maidens obsessed with like….welsh guys??#extra funny to imagine this alien culture modeling itself after the Regency era and they just use like 20th and 21st century romance novels#as their guide which like yeah they are well researched in many cases but also they’re primarily designed for escapism not accuracy#so authors will just hand wave certain things#my kingdom for Spock saying ‘fascinating Captain. They seem to base their culture on the fictional though anthropological writings#of 19th century writer Jane Austen’#if they were making it now this could happen#and unfortunately people would call it a Bridgerton inspired episode#and we’d all have to pretend that wasn’t insane#also to be clear no shade at Scotty he’s great and he’s got a lot going for him but in a regency romance he’d have everybody on accent alon#star trek#tos#do I dare tag this as Jane Austen??
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Was talking about Star Trek with my parents cuz we’re lame, and I brought up Spirk cuz I’m infinitely more lame, and my nearly seventy-year-old father said “if anyone was *makes vague gesture*, it was Bones and Spock”
#“they bicker like a married couple#i mean so true but why would you think that without any prompting#god this sounds like the parents stop being homophobic cuz of johnlock thing#i promise it’s real it’s literally midnight as I’m typing this cuz I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep unless I got it out#like he says out of pocket shit all the time this one is particular just through me for a loop#and the spirk thing was semi-related to the conversation#i promise I don’t just bring up ships from media my parents had as children out of the blue#star trek#star trek tos#tos#spirk#spones#god i straight up forgot the ship name i for a second i though it was McCock
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being in the DS9 fandom, you'll discover there are so many ways for people to be wrong about julian bashir
#wow i don't like a lot of you#baffled at how a predominantly autistic fanbase can be so contemptful of autistic behaviour#buddies i think you're the ones who are cringe. see i cringe WITH julian not against him#and not even just that#theres the ''julian is stupid about everything that isn't medicine'' thing#fuck you that man is a starfleet officer and he's a genius. i saw him fix a console and i was genuinely surprised because of this shit#''julian is stupid'' ''julian is annoying'' ''julian is insufferable'' ''julian deserves to be bullied'' and so on and so forth#wow. i hate. all of you. and based on the way y'all talk? you guys would hate me too#oh and worst take of all. like on a moral level:#''julians parents were in the right for doing what they did. its natural for a parent to want to have a normal child''#and other such ableist takes. literally i have seen people like that#i saw somebody baffled by that ep being like ''what did julians parents do wrong. they helped him. what is julian upset about''#and holy shit. that is. so fucked up#besides all that. the way the fandom and the show is mean to julian pisses me off#Why Are His Friends So Mean To Him#i have this brain thing where i take criticism of julian bashir as a personal attack. its called autism#sometimes an autistic-coded character in star trek will say something the narrative has deemed as Wrong#and i can tell thats what im being told because i understand media language but im still baffled like ''Whats The Problem''#spock. data. seven. julian. and its like... actually guys its everybody else who is being weird and mean about this#i do find it a little sad knowing that if i existed on DS9 that o'brien and kira wouldn't like me. like damn. i like you guys#anyways i have a lot of the DS9 fandom blocked because they got me at risk of developing a wee chunk of self loathing. and i refuse#i wasnt raised to feel shame how dare you
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the thing is is that there's not a single conceivable in-reason universe to not promote Harry
#star trek: voyager#harry kim#this is one of those things im gonna be mad about forever#like I know Why he didnt get promoted its cause of racism irl#and its so glaring cause like. I would go as far as to say its actually insanely OOC of Janeway to NOT promote him#like she adores Harry and even if she didnt he's just really damn good at his job??#and he takes on all these responsibilities?? he runs the night shift he sits in the chair??#Janeway wouldve been promoting him every season#he should've been a high-ranking officer by the end of Voyager#you cant even use the excuse that nobody in Voyager gets promoted- Tuvok does#and you cant use the excuse that it would be 'too fast' look at TNG and how far up the ranks Geordi gets#Harry they really did rob you#I hope when they got to earth Janeway just grabbed him and held him in front of an admiral and went 'make him a captain'#I firmly believe that if promotions had been given as they should've been then Harry would've made captain at like. 24
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me when people hate on aos trek:
#starlight fandom#starlight trek#LOOK I KNOW THEY AREN’T GOOD MOVIES THEY WERE IF MARVEL HIT STAR TREK WITH A BASEBALL BAT BEHIND A CLUB#BUT AOS GOT ME INTO STAR TREK IN THE FIRST PLACE OKAY IT HAS A PLACE IN MY HEART FOREVER#AND IT’S NOT AOS!JIM’S FAULT THAT THEY WROTE HIM BAD I ACTUALLY THINK ITS REAL INTERESTING#TO SEE A VERSION OF JIM KIRK THAT’S TRAUMATIZED AND FUCKED UP AND DIDN’T HAVE A FATHER AND YET HE STILL ENDS UP COMPASSIONATE#HE STILL ENDS UP A LEADER AND KIND#like fr tho that’s a fascinating concept#how much things may be different and how Spock!prime broke the timeline by melding with aos!kirk#and Kirk still ends up kind and loving and beloved anyway!!!!!#like I’m sorry they didn’t execute well until beyond and honestly I ignore stid entirely but it’s such a cool concept to me#and Karl urban as bones was so. SO. SO GOOD. he was perfect and deranged in the best way#Quinto-Spock I can take or leave but I do love me a bitchy Vulcan and he did have that#it’s okay to not like aos I don’t blame anyone for not liking it but I am so fond of it folks I truly am#and I’m not just saying that b/c the fic I’m writing rn for comfort and therapy reasons is projecting my current issues on aos!kirk#he’s just really to project onto and he looks like he’d benefit from ketamine treatment too and learning how to have hobbies w/o stress#anyway like I said I don’t blame anyone for disliking it or erasing it from their fandom memory#but it got me into Star Trek and I’m grateful and if ppl weren’t cowards aos!kirk would be so fucking fascinating in a feral way
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Okay admittedly I haven’t watched the movies yet so maybe it deteriorates but like. Chekov’s English is actually great he just has an accent? Sure it’s somewhat thick but in terms of comprehension, vocabulary, grammar, and speed, he’s got English on the level of pretty much any of the native speakers on the enterprise
#I don’t understand the Chekov’s got bad English jokes#and like it’s fully not that deep I do understand this#it’s just ?? to me#like that man is discussing and explaining complicated things that he has to react to immediately in his second language every day#so clearly his English isn’t that bad already. and then factor in the words he says and how correctly + quickly he says them? it’s good!#his English is good!#idk maybe it’s just me perceiving accents as more unrelated to language skill than most ppl do#og#pavel chekov#tos#star trek
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forgot i love sci-fi a normal amount
#like look ok. i always think like: man i don't like stuff with dense specific lore. i'm a themes and concepts guy over everything#and for some reason i'm sat here thinking sci-fi is all dense worldbuilding all the time#but whenever i get back into smth sci-fi i'm like. Oh. I ACTUALLY love this forever and ever? and ever?#and i have done this cycle multiple times#look i enjoy both star trek and star wars pretty shallowly but both were important to me growing up#and like i think sci-fi is such a perfect vessel for xenobiology concepts and relevant social commentary#while also just having one of the Coolest aesthetics#i love spec bio and i love applying current world issues to far-flung but still grounded situations#and i love robots and androids and ai and mutants and aliens and cyborgs#i love space#sci-fi! man!#this is cause i watched the first episode of starstruck and i'm pretty sure from the teaser that the captain just got brainjacked#by a parasite#and i think it would be such a cool character turn if zac started playing as said parasite instead#especially as we just came out of skipper like yelling at and being so mean to his whole crew and saying he was gonna fire them#i think it would be sick to do a 'they like the parasite better' thing#though i've gotten a kick out of skipper so far especially just how fuckinh done he is
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Kissing Practice
#time honored tradition of having a gay little thing going on#Sek#Kar#beas ocs#I talk a lot about Vulcans but I like Klingons a lot too - I adore a ritual what can I say v_v#star trek ocs#[REDACTED] family shenanigans#If being deeply and tragically in love with your best friend who you can never truly be with isn't a wacky shenanigan idk what is#bea art tag#Kar's pre-t pre-facial hair baby face...not even a scar...squeaky clean boy#+ Sek's ill-advised braid#Kar likes him even with that dopey lil braid that's how you know he's got it bad
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On being an older fangirl
I was probably 10 years old when I first conceived of what was, looking back, fanfiction. Me and my best friend would lie in bed together on sleepovers and I'd make up stories about what happened after the end of our favorite book, "The Westing Game." She'd ask me for more stories, and I'd tell her more, inventing them as I went along. "Then what?" she'd say.
I was 14 when I went to my first convention. I had discovered Star Trek: The Next Generation. It was 1987, and my youth pastor was a huge Trekkie. He took me to a one-day crappy Creation con, but it was amazing to me. I met Nichelle Nichols. My dad showed me the Trek movies. He and I watched TNG together.
When I went to college in 1991, my dad used to videotape TNG episodes onto VHS tapes and mail them to me, so I could keep watching (I didn't have TV in my dorm room).
By the time I was a senior, we had Trek watching parties in the dorm lounge, where the TV had cable. Star Trek: Voyager had started up, and I wrote a column about it for the college newspaper. I joined a mailing list about it, with people in it that I still know today.
I got my first computer that could go online in 1995. I was on newsgroups. I discovered Doctor Who. I went to Trek conventions where we still passed around fanzines containing fic and art and smutty K/S fan creations.
Then it was Harry Potter. Then there were websites. Then there was Geocities, where we could all make our own little spots. We organized them into webrings. We talked on newsgroups and mailing lists. There were fanfic archives. Then there was fanfiction.net.
Then...there was LiveJournal. And we could interact in entirely new ways. We could form communities, and debate things, and fight over canon, and get into ship wars. On LiveJournal, I met my best friend of 22 years. I was in her wedding. She's my sister of the heart (which is what she calls me).
Then there was Tumblr. And Twitter. And now there's Discord. But it's all the same.
I am the same.
I am still that little girl who made up fanfiction in her head to entertain her best friend. I am still the one who was amazed to find communities on the internet - which was so new, so raw, so uncommodified - where others like me could meet. I found there people to meet in real life.
I am still that twentysomething going to her first major convention, being told that someone loved my fic, being asked about my writing process.
I am still that thirtysomething watching something I wrote blow up. Seeing friends from other fandoms find me in new ones, finding them there, too. Forgetting which fandom I know someone from, because I've known them for twenty years.
I still know some of the people who created those early websites, those mailing lists, those archives. I still meet people in new fandoms who say "Oh, I read your fic in [fandom] fifteen years ago!" There's no feeling quite like having someone remember something you wrote for that long. Or meeting someone whose fic meant a lot to YOU, or who you talked with on rec.arts.drwho.creative in 1997.
Aging in fandom is a gift. Being middle-aged in fandom is a joy. Having people who still read what I write and ask "Then what?" is a blessing.
It breaks my heart that so many people see it as something to be ashamed of, when it is one of my life's greatest gifts.
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Move To A Darker Place
This is a story of Man Vs. Machine.
---
Last March, my father attempted to file his Taxes.
My beloved father is a Boomer. Unlike most Boomers, my father is rather handy with technology because he was one of the people that had a not-insignificant hand in Developing a hell of a lot of it. He was studying Computer Science at Cal Poly before the computer science degree existed. I have many fond childhood memories of skipping through the aisles of various electronic and computer part warehouses while Dad described something that either terrified the staff or made them worship him as a God. He taught himself how to use his smartphone. Internationally.
So when he saw the option to file digitally with the IRS through the “ID.me” program, he leapt at the chance to celebrate the Federal Government finally entering the Digital Age.
It was all going swimmingly for about six hours, until he was ready to file and the system told him that it needed to verify his identity.
“Very Well.” said my father, a man unafraid of talking to himself and getting something out of the conversation. “It wouldn’t do for me to get someone else’s return.”
The System told him that it needed him to take a “Digital Image ID”.
a.k.a: A Selfie.
“A-ha!” Dad beams. Dad is very good at taking selfies. He immediately pulled out his phone, snapped one, and tried to upload it.
Please log into your Id.me Account and use the provided app to submit your Digital Image ID. The System clarified.
“Oh. You should have said so.” Dad pouted, but used his phone to log onto the ID.me account, do the six security verification steps and double-checked that the filing looked the same as it did on the desktop, gave the IRS like nine permissions on his phone, and held up the camera to take his Federal Privacy Invasion Selfie.
Please align your face to the indicated grid. Said The System, pulling up a futuristic green-web-of-polygons approximation.
“Ooh, very Star Trek. Gene Roddenberry would HATE this!” Dad said cheerfully, aligning his face to the grid. My father is a bit… cavalier, when it comes to matters of personal information and federal government, because he’s been on FBI watchlists since the late 60’s when he was protesting The Vietnam War and Ronald Regan before he’d broken containment. Alas.
Anyway, there is very little information the federal government does not have on him already, but he’s as good at stalking the FBI as they are at stalking him, and had worked out a solution: He has something approaching a friendship with the local Federal Agent (Some guy named “Larry”. Allegedly), and got Larry hooked on Alternative Histories and Dad’s collection of carefully-researched “there is very likely buried treasure here” stories, and Larry is loath to bother his favorite Historical Fanfiction author too much.
But I digress.
After thinking for a minute, The System came back with an Error Message. Please remove glasses or other facial obstructions.
And here is where the real trouble began.
See, my father wears glasses that do substantially warp the appearance of his face, because he is so nearsighted that he is legally blind without them. His natural focal point is about 4 inches in front of his nose. While Dad can still take a selfie because he (approximately) knows where his phone is if it’s in his hand, he cannot see the alignment grid.
He should ask someone to take it for him! I hear the audience say. Yes, that would be the sane and reasonable thing to do, but Dad was attempting to do taxes at his residence in Fort Collins, while his immediate family was respectively in Denver, Texas and Canada. He tried calling our neighbors, who turned out to be in Uganda.
He looked down at the dog, Arwen, and her little criminal paws that can open doorknobs, but not operate cell phones.
She looked back at him, and farted.
“Well, I’ll give it a try, but if it gives me too much trouble, I’ll call Larry, and Larry can call the IRS about it.” Dad told her.
She continued to watch him. Arwen is an Australian Kelpie (a type of cattle-herding dog), going on 14 years old, deaf as a post and suffering from canine dementia now, but she still retains her natural instinct to Micromanage. She was also trained as a therapy dog, and even if she can’t hear my dad, still recognizes the body language of a man setting himself up for catastrophe.
So, squinting in the late afternoon light next to the back door, Dad attempted to line his face up with a grid he could only sort-of see, and took A Federal Selfie.
The System thought about it for a few moments.
Image Capture Failed: Insufficient Contrast. The System replied. Please move to a darker place.
“...Huh.” Dad frowned. “Alright.”
He moved to the middle of his office, away from the back door, lit only by the house lighting and indirect sunlight, and tried again.
Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.
“What?” Dad asked the universe in general.
“Whuff.” Arwen warned him against sunk costs.
Dad ignored her and went into the bathroom, the natural habitat of the selfie. Surely, only being lit by a light fixture that hadn’t been changed since Dad was attempting to warn everyone about Regan would be suitably insufficient lighting for The System. It took some negotiating, because that bathroom is “Standing Room Only” not “Standing And Holding Your Arms Out In Front Of You Room”. He ended up taking the selfie in the shower stall.
As The System mulled over the latest attempt, Arwen shuffled over and kicked open the door to watch.
Image Capture Failed. Please Move to a Darker Place.
“Do you mean Spiritually?” Dad demanded.
“Whuff.” Arwen cautioned him again.
Determined to succeed, or at least get a different error message that may give him more information, Dad entered The Downstairs Guest Room. It is the darkest room in the house, as it is in the basement, and only has one legally-mandated-fire-escape window, which has blinds. Dad drew those blinds, turned off the lights and tried AGAIN.
Image Capture Failed. Please Move To A Darker Place.
“DO YOU WANT ME TO PHOTOGRAPH MYSELF INSIDE OF A CAVE??” Dad howled.
“WHUFF!” Arwen reprimanded him from under the pull-out bed in the room. It’s where she attempts to herd everyone when it’s thundering outside, so the space is called her ‘Safety Cave’.
Dad frowned at the large blurry shape that was The Safety Cave.
“Why not?” he asked, the prelude to many a Terrible Plan. With no small amount of spiteful and manic glee, Dad got down onto the floor, and army-crawled under the bed with Arwen to try One Last Time. Now in near-total darkness, he rolled on his side to be able to stretch his arms out, Arwen slobber-panting in his ear, and waited for the vague green blob of the Facial grid to appear.
This time, when he tapped the button, the flash cctivated.
“GOD DAMN IT!” Dad shouted, dropping the phone and rubbing his eyes and cursing to alleviate the pain of accidentally flash-banging himself. Arwen shuffled away from him under the bed, huffing sarcastically at him.
Image Capture Failed. Please move to a darker place.
“MOTHERFU- hang on.” Dad squinted. The System sounded strange. Distant and slightly muffled.
Dad squinted really hard, and saw the movement of Arwen crawling out from under the bed along the phone’s last known trajectory.
“ARWEN!” Dad shouted, awkwardly reverse-army crawling out from under the bed, using it to get to his feet and searching for his glasses, which had fallen out of his pocket under the bed, so by the time he was sighted again, Arwen had had ample time to remove The Offending Device.
He found her out in the middle of the back yard, the satisfied look of a Job Well Done on her face. She did not have the phone.
“Arwen.” Dad glared. It’s a very good glare. Dad was a teacher for many years and used it to keep his class in order with sheer telepathically induced embarrassment, and his father once glared a peach tree into fecundity.
Arwen regarded him with the casual interest a hurricane might regard a sailboat tumbling out of its wake. She is a force of nature unto herself and not about to be intimidated by a half-blind house ape. She also has cataracts and might not be able to make out the glare.
“I GIVE UP!” Dad shouted, throwing his hands in the air and returning to the office to write to the IRS that their selfie software sucks ass. Pleased that she had gotten her desired result, Arwen followed him in.
To Dad’s immense surprise, the computer cheerfully informed him that his Federally Secure Selfie had been accepted, and that they had received and were now processing his return!
“What the FUCK?” Dad glared. “Oh well. If I’ve screwed it up, Larry can call me.”
---
I bring this up because recently, Dad received an interesting piece of mail.
It was a letter from the IRS, addressed to him, a nerve-wracking thing to recessive at the best of times. Instead of a complaint about Dad’s Selfie Skills, it was a letter congratulating him on using the new ID.me System. It thanked him for his help and expressed hopes he would use it again next year, and included the selfie that The System had finally decided to accept.
“You know, my dad used to complain about automation.” Dad sighed, staring at the image. “Incidentals my boy! My secretary saves the state of California millions of dollars a year catching small errors before they become massive ones! He’d say. Fought the human resources board about her pay every year. I used to think he was overestimating how bad machines were and underestimating human error, but you know? He was right.”
He handed me the image.
My father was, technically, in the image. A significant amount of the bottom right corner is taken up by the top of his forehead and silver hair. Most of the image, the part with the facial-recognition markers on it, was composed of Arwen’s Alarmed and Disgusted Doggy face.
“Oh no!” I cackled. “Crap, does this mean you have to call the IRS and tell them you’re not a dog?”
“Probably.” Dad sighed. “I know who I’m gonna bother first though.” he said, taking out his phone (Dad did find his phone a few hours after Arwen absconded with it when mom called and the early spinach started ringing).
“Hey Larry!” Dad announced to the local federal agent. “You’re never gonna believe this. My dog filed my taxes!”
Larry considered this for a moment. “Is this the dog that stole my sandwich? Out of my locked car?” he asked suspiciously.
“The very same.” Dad grinned.
“Hm. Clever Girl.” Federal Agent Larry sighed. “I figured it was only a matter of time before she got into tax fraud.”
---
I'm a disabled artist making my living writing these stories. If you enjoy my stories, please consider supporting me on Ko-fi or Pre-ordering my Family Lore Book on Patreon. Thank you!
#Family Lore#Dogs#arwen#Arwen the Crime Dog#Taxes#Ronald Regan mention (derogatory)#long post under the cut#this one is funny this time#I could really use some extra tip money this month
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