#Get them some therapy stat

[gumdropgundham]

The main reason I stopped posting that milgram analysis is that I realized I just voted everyone( except for kotoro obviously) innocent. Like none of these people are evil. None of them deserve to die. They need Therapy and hugs

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Finwe, Ingwe, Olwe, and Elwe (The -We’s) are all emotionally stunted and have untreated PTSD.

Seriously though, most of their subjects don’t realize it because they were born in valinor/the girdle, while the -we’s were born before the valar discovered the elves.

Let me tell you what indicates that the -we’s are emotionally stunted.

In the girdle/valinor, the elves were safe for the first time in existence. And this safety allowed them to focus on fostering positive and emotionally healthy relationships with one another because they no longer needed to fear death around every corner. For once, whole families could grow together with no chance of a member being killed due to the darkness. The elves even had time to foster skills and explore at their leisure, instead of being solely focused on “survive, survive, survive”.

All in all, this means that those who were born/grew up in valinor/the girdle were the first elves with the chance to grow up emotionally healthy, with proper communication and relationship skills. Because they actually have the time and energy needed to learn these skills.

The -we’s (finwe, ingwe, olwe, and elwe) however, were born and grew up during a time where they were in constant survive mode, fight or flight. Their priority was living to see another day, and they likely were surrounded by constant death/disappearances of their family members/people they cared about. AND while the elves may have spawned in cuvinan fully grown, they still have absolutely no life experience then, nor did they magically know how society and their fellow elves worked.

They essentially had the cognative function of an adult, yet were as dumb as babies, because they didn’t just immediatly know everything. They had to figure everything out. Like cave men, kinda. So yeah, these first elves are absolutely useless when it comes to being emotionally healthy and well developed. It wasn’t until they were safe (in the girdle/valinor) that they really started to develop society as a whole, with kings and queens and governments, etc. Before that, they had a loose-ish leadership going on. Heck, the -we’s only really became the leader bc they were the first to follow the valar.

Now, you’re probably wondering “well what about the other elves that went on the great journey? Are they emotionally stunted to?” Probably to some extent, but the -we’s are by far the worst. And the reason is because they are the kings (I guess Miriel probably also falls in this category).

No one’s going to go up to the leader of a nation and say “hey, you need therapy”. That and the pressure of being perfect leaders means that they never got the chance to really become emotionally healthy and be able to form healthy relationships with their family, because they couldn’t admit that they weren’t perfectly mentally healthy in the first place.

Now, why is it important that finwe, ingwe, olwe, and elwe are emotionally stunted? What affect does it have on the story/silmarillion? Well-

*points at Miriel breaking down and fading*

*points at finwe’s crap handling of his family*

*points at elwe’s crap handling of his family/people* *in all honesty, his refusal to make peace with the noldor might be a result of his pre-valar’s arrival all-or-nothing survival drive* (don’t get me wrong, I still think he was dumb for some acts, but somethings I understand)

*idk a lot about olwe or ingwe, but olwe’s fear of returning to the pre-great journey days would explain his refusal to allow feanor the boats*

So I guess what I’m saying is that finwe, ingwe, olwe, and elwe (and Miriel) are emotionally stunted and have untreated ptsd from the days before the valar arrived, and no one’s forcing them to go to therapy bc 1. They’re kings and 2. Most elves (especially those born in valinor/the girdle) probably don’t even realize they have it, and it resulted in a lot of problems.

Side note: this either means that the silvans/avari/cirdan’s people are either the most emotionally healthy as a whole OR the most emotionally stunted. For the sake of my feral silvan au, I’m going with stunted, yet acutely aware of other elves’ emotional needs.

[letbuckfuck]

.

[quietwingsinthesky]

oh my god even doesn’t know how to write

[bratzkoo]

offside | seungcheol

Author: bratzkoo Pairing:  Hockey team player/captain! Seungcheol x Physical Therapist! reader Genre: fluff, chaos Rating: PG-13 Word count: 6.5k Warnings/note: i wrote this to start chaos. have fun reading!

summary: seungcheol's hockey teammates just wants a break from their captain's strictness with hockey practice and decides to force him to join a dating app.

taglist (hit me up if you wanna be added): @escoupseu , @yanabaaaaaaarysheva , @spnyin , @sousydive , @gyuguys

requests are open, but you can just say hi! | masterlist

"Desperate Times Call For Desperate Teamates"

"We need to do something," Seungkwan declared dramatically, sliding down the practice room wall. "I can't feel my legs, and I swear I saw Dino's soul leave his body during that last drill."

The maknae in question was indeed face-down on the floor, only managing a weak thumbs up to confirm his continued existence.

"He's gotten worse," Jeonghan observed from his position on the bench, watching their leader through the glass as Seungcheol reviewed practice footage. Again. "Yesterday, I caught him making a spreadsheet comparing different practice intensities. He color-coded it."

"That's... normal?" Vernon tried optimistically.

"At 3 AM, Vernonie. 3 AM."

A collective groan echoed through the room.

"Did you know," Mingyu started, still catching his breath, "he named his new hockey stick? I heard him calling it 'Dedication' while cleaning it."

"Better than last week's 'Discipline'," Wonwoo muttered, not looking up from his phone where he was apparently documenting their captain's concerning behaviors.

Jun raised his hand like a student in class. "Question: is it normal that he's memorizing the ice rink's maintenance schedule? He knows when they resurface the ice better than the zamboni driver."

"The driver's married, by the way," DK added helpfully. "Even the penalty box has more romance than our captain."

Hoshi suddenly sat up straight, eyes wide with his trademark tiger enthusiasm. "THAT'S IT!"

"Indoor voice, please," Woozi grumbled, rubbing his temples. "Some of us are still recovering from this morning's 'voluntary' extra practice."

"No, no, listen!" Hoshi was now pacing, his energy seemingly restored. "What does our Coups-hyung need?"

"A life?" Minghao suggested.

"Sleep?" from Joshua.

"Therapy?" Wonwoo pushed up his glasses.

"A GIRLFRIEND!" Hoshi announced triumphantly.

The practice room fell silent. Twelve pairs of eyes shifted to look at their captain through the glass, who was now rewinding the same play for what must have been the twentieth time.

"That..." Jeonghan started slowly, a mischievous smile spreading across his face, "might be the first useful thing you've said all year, Hoshi-yah."

"Hey!"

"No, no, he's onto something," Joshua leaned forward, already pulling out his phone. "Remember when Seungcheol-hyung had that crush on the girl from the coffee shop last year?"

"Oh yeah," Dino suddenly revived from his floor position. "He actually left practice on time for like two weeks."

"Until he scared her away by talking about hockey stats," Seungkwan reminded them.

"That's why," Jeonghan stood up, commanding attention like the second eldest should, "we need a plan. A mission."

"A mission impossible," Vernon quipped.

"Exactly!" Jeonghan pointed at him. "We need to get our captain a girlfriend before he turns this team into an Olympic training camp."

Woozi raised an eyebrow. "And how exactly do you propose we do that?"

"Simple," Jeonghan's smile grew wider, more dangerous. "We form committees."

"Oh no," Joshua muttered, knowing that look.

"Oh YES," Seungkwan perked up, loving that look.

And thus, Operation "Mission Impossible: Get Seungcheol a Girlfriend Because We're Afraid He's Gonna Be More Strict With Practice Like Let Him Get a Life Pls Pls Pls" was born.

"We need a shorter name," Wonwoo noted, already typing it in his phone.

"M.I.G.S.A.G.B.W.A.H.G.B.M.S.W.P.L.H.G.A.L.P.P.P?" Vernon tried.

"Perfect," Jeonghan clapped his hands. "Now, for the committees. Hoshi, you're in charge of daily tiger horoscope readings-"

"That's not a thing," Woozi interjected.

"It is now. Joshua, you're documenting everything. Mingyu and Minghao, you're on style watch - make sure he doesn't wear hockey jerseys on dates."

"Bold of you to assume he owns other clothes," Mingyu muttered.

"Seungkwan, you're our drama department-"

"I was born ready!"

"Wonwoo, you're researching dating apps. Vernon and Jun, you're our social media experts. Dino... just try to survive practice for now."

"What about me?" DK raised his hand.

"You and Woozi are our emergency extraction team. If any date goes wrong, you pull him out with a fake emergency."

"Can the emergency be my dying leg muscles?" Dino asked from the floor.

"Speaking of," Jun suddenly pointed at the glass. "Incoming!"

They scattered like startled cats just as Seungcheol opened the door, looking suspiciously at his suddenly innocent-looking teammates.

"Break's over. Let's run that play again."

The collective internal screaming was audible.

"We start tonight," Jeonghan whispered as they lined up. "For our legs."

"For our legs," twelve voices whispered back.

-

6:00 PM - Team Lounge Preparation

"Places everyone!" Jeonghan's voice commanded through the earpieces he'd borrowed (stolen) from the broadcasting team. "Hoshi, status on the PowerPoint?"

"Forty-seven slides of pure tiger-themed conviction!" 

"It was supposed to be five slides," Woozi muttered, sitting at the piano he'd somehow smuggled in. "Also, why am I composing 'The Ballad of Single Seungcheol' again?"

"Emotional impact," Seungkwan explained, practicing his dramatic slides across the floor. "We need background music for my monologue about dying alone."

"No one's dying alone," Joshua sighed, reviewing his crisis management notebook:

- Plan A: Direct confrontation

- Plan B: Emotional manipulation

- Plan C: Vernon's interpretive dance

- Plan Z: Release the embarrassing photos

Meanwhile, Mingyu and Minghao were strategically placing furniture.

"The chair needs to be exactly 45 degrees under the spotlight," Minghao insisted.

"We don't have a spotlight," Mingyu pointed out.

"VERNON!"

"On it!" Vernon appeared with a desk lamp and determination.

At the same time - Y/N's Clinic Break Room

"You need to date," Krissa, Y/N's coworker, declared while stealing her lunch. "When was the last time you went out?"

"I go out!" Y/N protested, thinking about her weekly grocery runs.

"The old lady with the hip replacement asking you to dinner with her grandson doesn't count."

"Mrs. Kim is sweet..."

"She's also convinced her grandson is the next president. He collects rubber ducks, Y/N. Rubber. Ducks."

6:30 PM - The Ambush Begins

Seungcheol was having a good day. He'd organized new training menus (color-coded by intensity), named his newest hockey stick ("Perseverance"), and only spent three hours analyzing game footage.

The first sign something was wrong: the lounge lights were off.

The second sign: Mingyu trying (failing) to hide his 6'2" frame behind a plant.

"What-"

"HYUNG!" Seungkwan's voice echoed dramatically. "Do you know what day it is?"

"...Thursday?"

"IT'S YOUR INTERVENTION!"

The lights flashed on. Seungcheol found himself surrounded by his teammates, each wearing matching black hoodies with "Code Red: The Captain NEEDS a GIRLFRIEND" printed in glittering letters.

"Are those... rhinestones?"

"Focus!" Jeonghan stepped forward. "Seungcheol-ah, we need to talk about your relationship with hockey."

"My perfectly normal-"

"YOU TRIED TO INSTALL AN ICE RINK IN YOUR APARTMENT!" DK interrupted.

"It was a small one-"

"Exhibit A!" Hoshi clicked to his first slide, featuring a pie chart of Seungcheol's daily activities:

- 60% Hockey

- 30% Thinking about hockey

- 9% Basic human needs

- 1% Everything else

"That's... not accurate?"

"Exhibit B!" Another slide: a photo series titled 'The Evolution of Our Captain's Dating Life' showing:

- 2019: Attempted to explain offside rules on first date

- 2020: Brought hockey stick to coffee shop

- 2021: Asked team manager for practice schedules during blind date

- 2022: "Is being married to hockey valid?"

Meanwhile - Y/N's Evening Commute

"Just download the app," Krissa had insisted, practically forcing Y/N's thumb onto the install button. "Trust the algorithm!"

Now, squished between a businessman and a grandmother on the subway, Y/N found herself mindlessly scrolling through profiles.

Too posed. Too filtered. Too... is that guy posing with a fish?

Then she saw it.

'Cheol, 26'

The first photo was clearly candid - a genuine smile, caught mid-laugh. Someone had badly edited out what looked like hockey gear in the background, leaving obvious white spaces.

The second photo: attempting to look serious but his eyes gave away suppressed laughter. More suspicious white spaces around him.

The third: clearly taken without his knowledge, feeding a stray cat.

Bio: "Just a guy who likes ice sports and dad jokes. My friends made me download this. They're currently holding my training menus hostage. Send help."

Y/N found herself smiling. There was something refreshingly honest about him.

Back at the Ambush...

"And THAT'S why penguins mate for life!" Hoshi concluded slide thirty-seven.

"What do penguins have to do with-" Seungcheol started.

"EVERYTHING!" Seungkwan was now lying dramatically across the floor. "Even flightless birds find love, hyung!"

"Woozi-hyung, music!" DK cued.

The opening notes of 'The Ballad of Single Seungcheol' filled the room, accompanied by Vernon's unexpected contemporary dance.

"When did he learn-" Seungcheol tried again.

"STOP DEFLECTING!" Jeonghan commanded. "Mingyu, the phone!"

"For our legs!" Mingyu declared, executing a perfect phone-grabbing maneuver.

"YAH!"

"Jun, Minghao, initiate synchronized intervention dance!"

"We have a dance?!" Minghao looked panicked.

"Improvise!"

- After 15 minutes of improvised dance, they managed to make Seungcheol agree in making a dating app profile: "Bio first," Wonwoo adjusted his glasses, phone in hand. "Interests?"

"Hockey!" Seungcheol offered from his chair, where he was being guarded by Mingyu and Jun.

"NO!" Eleven voices shouted.

"Put 'enjoys sports'," Joshua suggested diplomatically.

"And dad jokes," Jeonghan added. "He needs to warn them early."

"What about: 'Looking for someone to share ice cream with'?" Vernon suggested.

"That's... actually cute?" Woozi sounded surprised.

"Add 'good with kids'!" Hoshi insisted.

"I've never-"

"YOU LITERALLY TUCK US IN AFTER PRACTICE!" Seungkwan interrupted.

Photo Selection Committee:

"No hockey photos," Mingyu declared, scrolling through Seungcheol's gallery.

"That's 98% of my photos-"

"We know," Minghao sighed. "That's the problem."

"Oh! This one!" Dino pointed. "From team dinner!"

"Too many hockey players in frame," Joshua vetoed.

"We could edit them out?" Jun suggested.

"NO-" Seungcheol started.

"Wonwoo, your Photoshop skills!" Jeonghan commanded.

"On it."

"Is that... why is there a white blob where Mingyu was standing?"

"Artistic choice," Wonwoo muttered, concentrated.

Meanwhile - Y/N's Apartment

"You're overthinking," Krissa's voice came through the phone as Y/N stared at Cheol's profile.

"His friends clearly made this profile-"

"That's cute! It means he's not a player."

"But what if-"

"Y/N, I swear, if you don't swipe right-"

"His smile seems genuine..."

"SWIPE. RIGHT. NOW."

Back at the Ambush:

"And done!" Wonwoo announced. "Profile complete."

Seungcheol looked horrified at the final result:

Photos:

Team dinner (now with mysterious white blobs)

Feeding cat (only half-edited hockey stick visible)

Candid laugh (suspiciously cropped)

Bio: "Just a guy who enjoys sports, dad jokes, and ice cream. Good with kids (and teammates). My friends made me download this. They're currently holding my training menus hostage. Send help."

"It's... honest?" Joshua offered.

"Too honest," Seungcheol groaned.

"Now we wait-" Jeonghan started.

ping

Thirteen heads snapped toward the phone.

"Is that..." Dino peered closer.

"A MATCH!" Seungkwan actually collapsed.

"Someone check if he's breathing," Woozi muttered.

Y/N's profile lit up the screen.

Seungcheol felt his ears turn red as he read:

"Physical therapist who loves dogs, rainy days, and helping people recover. Looking for something genuine. Probably swiping through this while drinking coffee."

Her smile was warm, natural. No filters, no posed shots. Just... real.

"She's perfect!" Hoshi declared. "The stars-"

"If you say the stars align one more time-" Woozi threatened.

"But they do!"

"Quick, say something!" Mingyu urged.

"I can do this myself-"

"The last time you messaged someone, you sent hockey statistics," Jun reminded him.

"One time!"

"Three times," Joshua corrected, consulting his notes. "Four if we count the referee explanation."

Seungcheol looked at Y/N's profile again. Something about her eyes seemed kind, understanding. Before his teammates could interfere, he typed:

"Since you're a physical therapist, any advice for teammates who dramatically fall during interventions?"

Across Seoul, Y/N was curled up on her couch when the message came through. She laughed out loud, typing back:

"Depends. Was it a planned fall or genuine distress? In my professional opinion, dramatic interventions require proper falling technique."

In the team lounge:

"She has humor!" Seungkwan had revived just to faint again.

"And medical knowledge for your old joints!" Dino dodged another flying pillow.

"Mission status?" Jeonghan asked formally.

"Phase one..." Joshua consulted his notebook, "surprisingly successful?"

"Now what?" Vernon asked.

"Now," Jeonghan smiled mysteriously, "we begin Phase Two: Operation First Date."

"We have a Phase Two?" Woozi looked concerned.

"We have phases up to Z," Joshua showed his notebook.

"God help us all," Seungcheol muttered, but he was smiling at his phone.

Little did Y/N know that her simple right swipe had initiated not just a potential romance, but had inadvertently involved her in the chaos of thirteen hockey players' most ambitious mission yet.

And somewhere in the lounge, Hoshi was already preparing his "Why Tigers Make Great Wedding Mascots" presentation.

-

“How To Text While Twelve People Read Over Your Shoulder"

Team Lounge - 10 Minutes Post-Match

"Don't just stare at her message," Mingyu urged, practically draped over Seungcheol's shoulder.

"I'm thinking-"

"That's your problem!" Seungkwan had recovered enough to offer wisdom. "Less thinking, more heart!"

Seungcheol typed: "My teammate's falls are an art form. Years of practice-"

"NO SPORTS REFERENCES!" Twelve voices yelled.

Delete, delete, delete.

"Just be yourself," Joshua advised.

"But not too much yourself," Jeonghan added.

"What does that even mean?" Seungcheol groaned.

Meanwhile - Y/N's Apartment

"He's taking a while to respond," Y/N muttered, watching the typing bubble appear and disappear.

"Maybe he's nervous?" Krissa suggested through the phone.

"Or composing poetry," Y/N joked.

"Or being attacked by friends," Krissa laughed.

If only she knew.

Back at the Lounge:

"Okay, how about..." Seungcheol tried again.

"You have to match her energy!" Hoshi was now doing his tiger-energy dance.

"Stop pressuring him," Wonwoo adjusted his glasses. "Statistically, overthinking first messages leads to-"

"No statistics!" Jun covered his ears.

Finally, Seungcheol managed to type:

"Would you believe me if I said one teammate has a dedicated falling technique for every emotional situation? We're currently at 'betrayed by captain who won't date' level dramatics."

Send.

"OH MY GOD HE SENT IT-" Seungkwan started hyperventilating.

"Quick, everyone act natural!" DK suggested, immediately striking the most unnatural pose possible.

Y/N's response came quickly:

"😂 As a professional, I'd love to analyze these techniques. For medical purposes, of course. Does he take appointments?"

The lounge erupted:

"She's funny!" from Vernon.

"She used an emoji!" Dino noted.

"Medical purposes," Woozi smirked.

"RESPOND FASTER!" Mingyu shook Seungcheol.

Meanwhile, in another corner, Operation Phase Two was already underway:

"Gather round," Jeonghan whispered to his secret subcommittee. "We need to prepare for every possible first date scenario."

Joshua pulled out a new notebook labeled "First Date Contingency Plans A-Z":

Plan A: Coffee Shop

- Pros: Casual, easy escape

- Cons: Might talk about hockey

- Solution: Remove all sports channels from café TVs

Plan B: Dog Café

- Pros: Cute animals, natural conversation

- Cons: Seungcheol might be allergic

- Note: Test for allergies immediately

Plan C: Restaurant

- Pros: Traditional, romantic

- Cons: Too much pressure

- Solution: Have team occupy all surrounding tables

"Should we include Plan T for Tiger Zoo?" Hoshi asked hopefully.

"No."

Back to the main conversation:

Seungcheol: "He's currently booked solid with interventions, but I hear he's willing to demonstrate for medical professionals 😊"

Y/N: "How generous! Though I should warn you, my professional opinion might include prescribing more social interactions for certain hockey-focused captains 😉"

The lounge went silent.

"Did she just..." Vernon started.

"She figured out..." Mingyu gasped.

"A WOMAN OF INTELLIGENCE!" Seungkwan declared.

Seungcheol felt his ears redden but found himself smiling as he typed:

"Caught me. Though in my defense, my team's intervention included a PowerPoint about why penguins finding love means I should too."

Y/N's Apartment:

She was grinning at her phone, ignoring Krissa's demands for updates. There was something endearing about this clearly hockey-obsessed captain and his concerned teammates.

Y/N: "Penguins are quite romantic. Though I hope your team knows humans have slightly different courtship rituals. Slightly."

Team Lounge:

"Is this... flirting?" Dino whispered in awe.

"Taking notes," Joshua muttered, scribbling furiously.

"We should give them space," Woozi suggested sensibly.

Nobody moved.

"I meant that as a command," Woozi glared.

Still nobody moved.

Seungcheol, somehow managing to type despite twelve people breathing down his neck:

"Would you be interested in discussing these human courtship rituals over coffee? I promise no PowerPoints. Can't guarantee no dramatic teammates though."

The lounge held its breath.

Y/N: "I'd like that! Fair warning though - I might assess your teammate's falling technique from afar. Professional curiosity 😊"

"SHE SAID YES!" 

Chaos erupted:

- Seungkwan fainted (again)

- Hoshi began his victory tiger dance

- Vernon started his congratulatory rap

- Woozi contemplated early retirement

- Jeonghan's eyes gleamed with Phase Two possibilities

"Operation First Date begins now," Joshua announced formally.

"Can I just plan my own date?" Seungcheol tried.

The look of pity he received from twelve pairs of eyes was answer enough.

- "Operation First Date (Or Twelve Ways to Overcomplicate Coffee)"

The Pre-Date Strategy Meeting - 3 Days Before

"ATTENTION!" Jeonghan stood at a whiteboard, pointer in hand. The team lounge had been transformed into a tactical command center, complete with:

- Floor plans of every coffee shop in a 5-mile radius

- Weather forecasts for the next week

- A mysterious PowerPoint titled "Tiger Luck in Romance"

- Seungkwan's "Emergency Scenarios" binder

- Joshua's "Date Exit Strategies A-Z"

Seungcheol sat in the corner, wondering where it all went wrong.

"First," Jeonghan began, "location analysis."

Wonwoo stepped forward, pushing up his glasses:

"I've compiled data on 47 potential coffee shops based on:

- Ambient lighting

- Background music volume

- Table spacing for optimal conversation

- Distance from hockey-related establishments

- Escape route availability"

"It's just coffee," Seungcheol muttered.

"JUST COFFEE?!" Seungkwan clutched his chest. "This is your FUTURE!"

"Moving on," Jeonghan continued. "Mingyu, wardrobe report."

Mingyu unveiled a clothing rack that definitely wasn't in the lounge this morning.

"I've prepared three categories:

1. 'Casual but Make It Romantic'

2. 'Yes I'm a Hockey Captain but I Read Books Too'

3. 'Trust Me I Have Other Hobbies'"

"Are those my clothes?" Seungcheol squinted.

"No, these are better," Minghao replied, sorting through fabrics. "Your clothes all say 'I sleep in hockey gear.'"

Meanwhile - Y/N's Preparation

"Just wear something comfortable," Krissa suggested, watching Y/N tear through her closet.

"But what kind of comfortable? Coffee comfortable? First date comfortable? Meeting-a-hockey-captain comfortable?"

"Is that last one a category?"

"I'm making it one!"

Back at Strategy HQ:

"Conversation topics!" Joshua read from his notebook.

DK raised his hand. "What about-"

"No hockey," everyone chorused.

"But-"

"NO. HOCKEY."

Hoshi bounced up. "The stars say-"

"No horoscopes," Woozi interrupted.

"But the tigers-"

"Especially no tiger horoscopes."

Vernon, surprisingly practical: "Why don't you just... talk normally?"

The room fell silent. Everyone looked at Vernon like he'd suggested playing hockey blindfolded.

"Talk... normally?" Jeonghan tested the words.

"Like... without a script?" Jun looked concerned.

"Absolutely not," Seungkwan declared. "We need contingency plans!"

The Emergency Scenarios Binder appeared:

- Scenario 1: Awkward Silence

  Solution: Pre-planted conversation cards under sugar packets

- Scenario 2: Hockey Mention

  Solution: DK's emergency dance distraction

- Scenario 3: Rain

  Solution: Strategic umbrella placement by Jun

- Scenario 4: She Recognizes Surveillance Team

  Solution: Mingyu's "We're Filming a Documentary" cover story

"Surveillance team?!" Seungcheol stood up.

"Sit down," Jeonghan commanded. "We're not done with the scenarios."

"There's more?!"

"There's always more," Joshua said ominously, flipping to his notebook's section labeled 'Crisis Management'.

Dino raised his hand. "What about our positions?"

"Ah yes," Jeonghan pulled down a blueprint. "Operation Coffee Shop Placement":

- Wonwoo & Mingyu: Window seats, pretending to study

- Joshua & Jeonghan: Counter, monitoring drink orders

- Seungkwan & Vernon: Outside café, "casual" pedestrians

- Jun & Minghao: Corner table, fake art students

- Hoshi: Emergency tiger energy provider

- Woozi: Getaway driver

- DK & Dino: Backup dancers if needed

"Getaway driver?!" Seungcheol looked alarmed.

"You never know," Woozi shrugged.

"And I'll be monitoring everyone's positions through these," Hoshi proudly held up twelve earpieces.

"Absolutely not," Seungcheol stood again.

"You're right," Jeonghan nodded. "We need color-coded earpieces."

The Day Before - Final Preparations:

Text from Y/N: "Looking forward to tomorrow! Any preference for which café?"

The team lounge exploded into action:

- Wonwoo consulting his café spreadsheets

- Mingyu checking lighting angles

- Joshua reviewing escape routes

- Seungkwan practicing his "casual pedestrian" walk

- Hoshi doing good luck tiger dances

Seungcheol, somehow maintaining sanity: "How about Stone Street Café at 2?"

"THAT WASN'T ON THE APPROVED LIST!" Seungkwan screeched.

"Perfect timing and place!" Y/N replied.

"She's perfect," Hoshi whispered. "The tigers were right."

"The tigers weren't-" Woozi started, then gave up.

"Tomorrow then," Jeonghan announced dramatically, "Operation First Date begins."

"Can't wait! 😊" Y/N texted, blissfully unaware of the twelve-man tactical team she'd inadvertently invited to coffee.

- "Operation First Date (Or How Twelve Hockey Players Became Drama Addicts)"

D-Day: Stone Street Café

1:30 PM - Initial Positions

"Everyone remember their roles?" Jeonghan whispered into the earpiece.

"We could just... not do this," Woozi suggested from the getaway car.

"COMMITMENT!" Seungkwan adjusted his "casual pedestrian" beret.

1:45 PM - Target Sighting

"Eagle has landed," Vernon reported, watching Seungcheol approach. "He's... wait."

"Report!" Jeonghan demanded.

"He looks... good?"

Everyone peered through various windows and hiding spots. Their captain had somehow:

- Styled his hair naturally

- Worn the outfit they approved

- Arrived early

- Wasn't carrying any hockey equipment

"Did we enter an alternate universe?" Minghao whispered.

1:55 PM - Second Target

"Y/N approaching from the east," Mingyu reported from his "study" table. "She's..."

"She's?" Eleven voices asked.

"Wow."

Y/N walked up to the café, a simple sundress and genuine smile making their captain visibly malfunction.

"Oh no, he's frozen," Jun panicked.

"Deploy emergency-" Seungkwan started.

But then...

2:00 PM - The Shift

Seungcheol smiled - not his camera smile, not his captain smile, but something softer. He opened the door for her, and...

"Did you see that?" Joshua whispered.

"The way they both laughed at the same time?" Jeonghan was already invested.

"Shhh!" Dino hushed. "We can't hear!"

Inside the café:

"I honestly wasn't sure if you'd come alone," Y/N grinned, settling into her seat.

"What makes you think I did?" Seungcheol raised an eyebrow.

Y/N casually glanced around, spotting:

- Two very tall men aggressively pretending to study

- A pair of "art students" who hadn't touched their sketchbooks

- A beret-wearing individual walking past the window for the fifth time

"Just a hunch," she smiled.

In various hiding spots:

"She knows!" Vernon whispered.

"But she's not running," Wonwoo observed.

"Guys," Mingyu suddenly said, "look."

They watched as Seungcheol and Y/N fell into easy conversation. No emergency cards needed. No tiger horoscopes required. Just... natural.

2:30 PM - The Evolution

"Should we deploy conversation starter #7?" Seungkwan asked.

"Wait..." Jeonghan held up his hand, watching.

Inside:

"So," Y/N leaned forward, "tell me about hockey."

Twelve hearts stopped.

But instead of launching into statistics, Seungcheol said, "Only if you tell me about what made you choose physical therapy."

She lit up, and suddenly they were sharing stories, laughing, completely lost in their own world.

The Surveillance Team:

"Are we... watching a drama?" DK whispered.

"Quick, someone film this!" Hoshi was emotional.

"Already on it," Joshua had his phone out.

3:00 PM - The Realization

One by one, the earpieces went silent. The elaborate plans forgotten. Twelve hockey players found themselves completely invested in watching their captain just... be happy.

"They're perfect together," Seungkwan sniffled.

"The way she makes him laugh..." Dino observed.

"The way he actually listens..." Mingyu added.

"No one mention hockey once..." Woozi noted, now inside with popcorn(?).

4:00 PM - Mission Evolution

As Seungcheol and Y/N prepared to leave, plans for a second date already made, the team had completely abandoned their positions in favor of:

- Seungkwan and DK writing a musical about them

- Hoshi planning their wedding

- Joshua documenting everything for future generations

- Jeonghan already plotting "Operation Second Date"

- Mingyu and Vernon designing couple merchandise

- Minghao and Jun choreographing a congratulatory dance

- Wonwoo calculating their compatibility (98.7%)

- Dino learning wedding songs

- Woozi pretending he wasn't composing a love song

Outside the Café:

"Your friends are really invested," Y/N commented, watching various heads duck behind plants.

"I'm sorry about them," Seungcheol rubbed his neck.

"Don't be. It's sweet. Though..." she grinned, "they might want to work on their stealth skills. I don't think art students usually cry over other people's coffee dates."

They both looked at Seungkwan, who was openly weeping into his beret.

"Second date?" Seungcheol asked hopefully.

"Definitely. Maybe somewhere with less... audience?"

"IMPOSSIBLE!" came a chorus of whispers from various plants.

Later - Team Lounge:

"Mission status?" Jeonghan asked formally.

"Complete success," Joshua reported, still emotional.

"Better than success," Seungkwan declared. "It's true love!"

"It's one date," Woozi reminded them.

"But did you see how they LOOKED at each other?!" Hoshi was already preparing his "Why Tigers Make Perfect Ring Bearers" presentation.

"So..." Vernon asked what everyone was thinking, "Operation Second Date?"

Seungcheol, walking in: "No."

"But-"

"Absolutely not."

"We'll be subtle!" Mingyu promised.

"You cried into a textbook."

"Those were subtle tears!"

Y/N's Apartment:

"How was it?" Krissa demanded.

Y/N smiled, thinking of gentle eyes and genuine laughs, of twelve not-so-hidden supporters and one perfect afternoon.

"It was... unexpected. In the best way."

Her phone buzzed:

Seungcheol: "I apologize for my team. They're... enthusiastic."

Y/N: "They care about you. It's cute. Though I did wonder why one kept making tiger poses."

Seungcheol: "That's just Hoshi. Wait until you meet him properly."

Y/N: "Looking forward to it 😊"

Team Lounge:

"She said she's looking forward to meeting us!" Seungkwan announced to the group chat.

"FAMILY DINNER!" twelve voices decided.

"No," Seungcheol texted back.

"Too late," Jeonghan was already planning.

"Operation Family Dinner begins now!" Joshua declared.

"We're not calling it-" Woozi started.

"OPERATION FAMILY DINNER!" everyone chorused.

Seungcheol sighed, but he was smiling. Maybe their chaos had led to something perfect after all.

-

"The One Where Someone Actually Likes Hockey (And Him)"

Operation Family Dinner Prep - Team Lounge

"Ground rules," Jeonghan addressed the team. "No embarrassing stories-"

"There goes my PowerPoint," Seungkwan sighed.

"No tiger facts-"

"But-" Hoshi started.

"NO tiger facts, and absolutely no-"

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED BANNER!" Mingyu and Vernon burst in, proudly displaying a giant banner reading "THANK YOU FOR LIKING OUR CAPTAIN"

"Take it down," Seungcheol groaned.

"But we used glitter!" Vernon protested.

Meanwhile - Y/N's Apartment

"Twelve hockey players," Krissa repeated. "You're having dinner with twelve hockey players."

"Plus Seungcheol," Y/N added, trying on her fifth outfit.

"The same twelve who stalked your coffee date?"

"They weren't stalking! They were... enthusiastically supporting."

The Dinner - 7 PM

Y/N arrived at the team's favorite restaurant to find:

- The banner (they didn't take it down)

- Seungkwan practicing his welcome speech

- Hoshi's "subtle" tiger decorations

- Twelve very excited hockey players

- One very apologetic Seungcheol

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. "We can leave-"

"Are you kidding? This is adorable!"

The team collectively melted.

Dinner was in full swing when Seungcheol started explaining a particularly complex play. The twelve teammates watched in fascination, each processing this unprecedented scene differently:

Jeonghan's Corner: "I've seen him scare away five dates with hockey talk," he whispered to Joshua. "Six," Joshua corrected, still filming. "Remember the coffee shop girl who ran away during his penalty explanation?" "But look at Y/N..." They watched as she drew actual play diagrams on napkins. "Are we sure she's real?"

Hoshi & DK's Observation: "The way she gets excited when he gets excited," DK clutched his chest. "It's like watching a drama!" Hoshi wiped a tear. "Better than your tiger documentaries?" "Nothing's better than- OH MY GOD SHE JUST ASKED ABOUT GAME STRATEGIES!"

Mingyu to Wonwoo: "Remember when he tried explaining hockey to my sister?" "She blocked his number," Wonwoo nodded. "But Y/N just asked him to explain MORE." "Statistically impossible but... happening right in front of us."

Minghao noticed something: "Look at his hands," he whispered to Jun. "What about them?" "They're not doing the nervous thing. He's just... comfortable." Jun sniffled: "Our captain's growing up!"

Woozi's Mental Notes:

First date to survive hockey talk ✓

Actually understands offside rules ✓

Makes Seungcheol laugh naturally ✓

Might need to compose a love song after all

Seungkwan's Live Commentary to Vernon: "Did you see that? She just made a hockey joke!" "And he actually laughed-" "NOT THE POLITE LAUGH, VERNON. THE REAL ONE!" "Should you be taking notes this intensely?" "This is historical documentation!"

Dino, watching it all unfold: "Hyung looks... different." "Happy," everyone replied simultaneously.

The turning point came when Y/N casually mentioned:

"Oh, that reminds me of your game last month - the one where you adjusted the defensive formation mid-play? That was brilliant."

Seungcheol froze mid-explanation. "You... watched our old games?"

Y/N blushed slightly. "I might have done some research? I wanted to understand what you love about it. Plus," she grinned, "watching you lead your team is pretty attractive."

Several things happened at once:

Seungkwan choked on air

Jeonghan dropped his phone

Joshua caught it without looking (still filming)

Hoshi started doing tiny victory tiger paws

Mingyu and Minghao high-fived

Wonwoo's glasses fogged up

DK clutched Jun in emotional support

Vernon patted a crying Seungkwan

Woozi pretended he wasn't writing lyrics

Dino watched his hyungs lose their collective minds

But most importantly: Seungcheol looked at Y/N like she had just scored the winning goal in the championship game.

Later, during dessert:

"I have a confession," Y/N admitted to the table. "I might have noticed you all at the coffee shop."

"We were subtle!" Seungkwan protested.

"You cried into a plant."

"Those were subtle tears!"

"And the one doing tiger poses by the window..."

"That was for good luck!" Hoshi defended.

"And the two tall ones pretending to study..."

Mingyu and Wonwoo suddenly found the ceiling fascinating.

"...was actually really sweet. He's lucky to have people who care so much."

The team melted all over again.

"She understands us too," Jeonghan whispered reverently.

"ONE OF US!" Seungkwan declared.

"We're keeping her," Hoshi announced.

"That's not how it works-" Woozi started.

"Too late! Already adopted!" DK confirmed.

Y/N laughed, fitting perfectly into their chaos while her hand found Seungcheol's under the table.

Later that night, Team Group Chat (Minus Seungcheol):

Seungkwan: EMERGENCY MEETING Joshua: It's midnight Seungkwan: LOVE DOESN'T SLEEP Jeonghan: Operation Wedding Planning begins Woozi: It's been ONE dinner Hoshi: BUT DID YOU SEE THEM?! Mingyu: They're perfect 🥺 Vernon: The way she understood hockey... DK: The way he smiled... Jun: The way they looked at each other... Minghao: The way they just fit... Dino: So... Operation Wedding Planning? Wonwoo: sends spreadsheet 

Meanwhile, Seungcheol walking Y/N home:

"I'm sorry about them," he started.

"Don't be. They're wonderful. Chaotic, but wonderful."

"Like a hurricane of love," he laughed.

"With a tiger twist," she added.

He looked at her then, really looked at her, and thought maybe his team's crazy plans weren't so crazy after all.

- Something was definitely different about their captain. The first signs were subtle - arriving five minutes late to practice (unheard of), constant phone checking (suspicious), and most alarmingly, humming while setting up drills (miraculous). The team huddled at the corner of the rink, watching Seungcheol with a mixture of awe and disbelief as he smiled at his phone for the fifth time in ten minutes.

"I think we broke him," Seungkwan whispered, clutching Vernon's arm. "Our plan worked too well."

Two months into dating Y/N, and their strict, hockey-obsessed captain had transformed into someone who said things like "the ice understands love" with complete seriousness. The man who once made them repeat a play 47 times now ended practice early because "the lighting at the coffee shop is perfect at 4 PM."

The real shock came during their morning practice. Seungcheol, still typing on his phone with a soft smile, casually announced, "No Sunday practice this week." The rink fell silent. Twelve pairs of eyes stared at their captain as if he'd just declared he was quitting hockey to become a tiger trainer (much to Hoshi's disappointment, he wasn't).

"Why?" Jeonghan dared to ask, though they all knew the answer. Their captain's ears turned that telling shade of red as he mumbled something about Y/N planning something special.

"WHIPPED!" Seungkwan coughed not-so-subtly, earning a half-hearted glare from their leader. The fact that he didn't assign extra laps for the comment only proved the point.

Meanwhile, across town at the physical therapy clinic, Y/N was having a similar effect on her workplace. Her colleagues had grown used to her sudden laughs at hockey memes ("He explains the rules so passionately!"), her lunch breaks extending whenever a certain captain dropped by ("Just five more minutes, he's explaining a new play"), and the way she lit up every time her phone buzzed.

"You actually enjoy his hockey talks," Krissa observed with amazement during their break. "Like, genuinely enjoy them."

Y/N smiled, remembering how Seungcheol's eyes sparkled when she asked about his game strategies. "He's cute when he's excited about it. Besides," she added, checking her phone where Seungcheol had sent a detailed analysis of their morning practice, complete with heart emojis, "his passion is attractive."

Back at the rink, the team was experiencing the full effects of their captain's transformation. Team meetings that once ran for hours now ended with "Any questions? No? Great, I have a date." Their notorious extended cool-downs had shortened considerably because "Y/N found this great lunch spot."

"Remember when he made us sleep at the rink before big games?" Jun whispered to Minghao during water break, watching their captain practically skip while texting.

"Now he leaves early because 'Y/N might get cold waiting,'" Minghao mimicked, though his smile was fond.

The team often found themselves "accidentally" having lunch near Y/N's clinic, watching their captain transform from fierce hockey leader to soft boyfriend in seconds. He'd arrive with her favorite coffee and snacks, his whole demeanor changing at the sight of her smile.

"It's actually kind of beautiful," Seungkwan sniffled, watching through the café window as Seungcheol forgot about his beloved hockey for a full minute, just staring at Y/N like she hung the stars.

"Disgusting," Woozi corrected, but he was already composing what he'd never admit was a love song.

"Remember our mission?" Jeonghan mused, watching their captain laugh at something Y/N said. "Get Seungcheol a girlfriend because we're afraid he's gonna be more strict with practice?"

"Mission accomplished?" Joshua suggested, still filming everything for their future wedding video.

"Better than accomplished," Mingyu grinned, pointing at their captain who was now excitedly explaining a play with sugar packets while Y/N watched with genuine interest. "We got him a girlfriend who actually likes hockey."

"And him," Vernon added importantly.

"The tigers blessed us," Hoshi declared solemnly.

For once, no one argued with the tiger agenda. They were too busy watching their captain being happy, finally having found someone who loved both his passion and him, hockey statistics and all.

- It became their thing - late evening walks after his practice and her clinic hours, usually ending up at the quiet café near the rink. Tonight, Seungcheol watched as Y/N drew little stick figures on a napkin, seriously explaining how his last play could be modified. The café owner, used to their presence, had long stopped asking if they wanted refills, just quietly placing fresh cups of coffee at their table.

"See, if you shift this position slightly," Y/N pointed with her pen, completely focused, "it might give you better coverage on the left side." She looked up to find him staring at her with that soft expression he seemed to reserve just for these moments. "What?"

"Nothing," he smiled, reaching across to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "Just... do you know you scrunch your nose when you're really focused on explaining something?"

"Says the one who gets excited sparkles in his eyes when talking about new practice drills," she teased back, catching his hand and intertwining their fingers.

These quiet moments were theirs, away from twelve enthusiastic supporters (who they both knew were probably somewhere nearby, with Seungkwan likely crying into Joshua's shoulder about 'true love'). Here, they could just be Seungcheol and Y/N - not the hockey captain and the physical therapist, just two people who found each other through a chaotic intervention and some badly edited dating app photos.

"I never thanked them properly," Y/N mused, playing with his fingers.

"The team? Pretty sure they consider you letting Hoshi explain tiger love compatibility at dinner last week as thanks enough."

She laughed, remembering how seriously Hoshi had presented his PowerPoint while the others tried (failed) to stop him. "Not just for that. For caring about you enough to stage that whole intervention. For being so invested in your happiness that they turned into part-time spies."

"Terrible spies," Seungcheol corrected, thinking of Mingyu's failed attempts at stealth despite his height, and Seungkwan's dramatic crying behind plants. "But yeah, they're... special."

"Your family," she smiled softly.

"Our family now," he corrected, then blushed at his own boldness. "I mean, if you want- they've kind of already adopted you- but no pressure-"

She stopped his rambling with a gentle squeeze of his hand. "I'd love that. Though I should warn you, I might enable your hockey obsession more than they'd like."

"You mean you'll actually listen to my game analysis?"

"I already do that."

"And watch practice sometimes?"

"Already planning to."

"And not run away when I name my hockey sticks?"

"As long as you don't name them all after me," she teased.

His ears turned red. "About that..."

"Cheol! How many?"

"Just the new one! And maybe the backup one. And possibly the special game day one..."

Her laughter filled the café, and Seungcheol thought about how perfectly she fit into his life - into their lives. How she understood not just his passion for hockey, but also his need to take care of twelve chaotic teammates. How she'd become part of their family so naturally, like she was always meant to be there.

"Hey," he said softly, making her look up from where she was still drawing play diagrams. "I love you."

It wasn't the first time he'd said it, but it still made her heart skip just like it did that first time (when he blurted it out after she attended his game and actually understood why a particular play was brilliant).

"I love you too," she smiled, "hockey obsession and all."

"And the twelve-man emotional support team that comes with it?"

"Especially them. Though..." she glanced at the window where several suspicious plants seemed to have gathered, "they might need some work on their stealth skills."

Outside, they could faintly hear Seungkwan's emotional "They're so perfect!" followed by multiple shushes and what sounded like Woozi dragging him away.

Seungcheol just smiled, squeezing her hand. Let them watch. Let them see that sometimes the craziest plans work out perfectly. Let them witness that yes, someone could love both hockey and him, statistics and all.

And if their next date happened to be watching game footage while Y/N pointed out defensive patterns and Seungcheol fell more in love with every observation, well... that was just their kind of perfect.

[In the group chat later that night] Seungkwan: THEY'RE SO IN LOVE 😭 Jeonghan: Mission Accomplished ✓ Hoshi: The tigers blessed this union 🐯 Woozi: Stop watching them on dates Joshua: But the wedding video... DK: They're literally perfect??? Mingyu: Hyung named THREE sticks after her Vernon: Whipped culture Jun: Worth all the spy training Minghao: We did that Wonwoo: Statistically impossible but real Dino: So... Mission Possible: Wedding? All: MISSION POSSIBLE: WEDDING!

[drunktuesdays]

everyone is fucking but no one is horny

one of my twitter friends recently said that if she could order up a fic it would be a story written by someone who has only ever read the classics, 1.5 star trek novelizations, and their mother's romance novels from 1970, written about two people are so out of their minds horny for each other it causes them to make the absolute worst choices anyone's ever made.

and i almost lost my mind laughing because i do know exactly what she means. there is a weird vibe i can sometimes sense within the first few paragraphs a fic that really bums me out. it's almost like i can tell the author is thinking way too much about what i'm thinking about their id and it's suddenly like we're all suddenly wondering how riding a bicycle works when we're mid-ride. when you start worrying too much audience interpretation or how a fic is going to do or play or ugh marketability, it genuinely adds some weird self-conscious distance to whatever you're doing. and it's the pits from the reader side because it removes so much horniness from your story even if the idea you have is genuinely good! i know this is not a niche complaint--you find it literally everywhere as every sector of the creative internet gets #content-ed and people can't escape the stats of how any given creative outlet does.

but god there's literally nothing better than sitting down and reading some freaknasty person's art where they do not give a single shit if you like it. they had something to say and my god they were gonna say it. i've accidentally acquired so many kinks by clicking on a story where someone took me on the most insane ride of my life and i thrilled about it. i don't wanna read about polite normal regular love. i don't wanna read about people using therapy-speak on each other. i wanna read about two people feeling the biggest craziest feelings of their entire life and they cannot do anything about it except bang it out. what else are we doing here? if they're not fucking down an entire house, well jed i don't even wanna read it.

[phantasiiae]

When all of this is over, I will be surprised if I am still living.

Dion doesn't say that out loud, though, instead offering Joshua a small smile and giving his hand a squeeze. "I'm sure we will. Sanbreque is in need of an emperor now, and...while I don't see myself entirely worthy, I suppose I'll have to take my place eventually," he murmurs, his brow furrowing. It's easier to pretend that he intends on having some kind of future instead of acknowledging that he doesn't plan on returning.

"I would like you to remain in my life. We were apart for far too long, I think," he muses, laughing softly and then sighing. "It means everything to me, being your friend."

Joshua offers a small smile, though it faded beneath the heavy emotions that hung in the air between them. There was so much more he could have done for Dion, to save him from his Mother's awful schemes... He should have been quicker in Twinside. Eighteen years of recovery and hiding in the shadows and allowing thing to become this bad...

When Dion's hand came to rest on his, Joshua looked down and simply studied the shape of Dion's hand. "I am glad that I could be helpful to you. I hope I can continue to be so."

"When all of this is over, I'm sure we will remain close friends."

[schakira]

Here are some details. (Balance Patch 2, March 8th 2023)

Double Jump (Can be upgraded to gain additional jumps. Has no limit cap.)

Stamina wheel (Can be upgraded to last longer. Recharges quickly.)

3-slot Inventory (An invisible storage. Their total weight is added to you. Can be upgraded to gain just one more slot.)

No Fall Damage up to 10 times your height. Anything above that will still you damage like normal. (Edit 2: NERFED AGAIN.)

Actually Useful Tips from a side character that is with you 24/7. (Edit: Clarification — They will not be doing anything other than giving you really useful tips.)

5mn long Loading Screen when you travel around so it feels like you're instant travelling (You're not. You're zoning out until your destination. Your body remains in stasis during that period, i.e. you can't get old, hungry, or die.) (works for wait times)

QTE (time slows a bit whenever something critical happens. Gives you more time to think. upgrades will make you slightly faster in slowed-time. Only 2 upgrades available.) (EDIT: BUFFED. A Necessary buff.)

Multiple Dialogue Choices (gives you recommended replies during every interactions you have, with approval ratings in percentages next to them.)

View stats (View the stats of anyone and anything, including yourself. "Stats" include anything that can be measured, something quantifiable. INT and WIS for example do not exist. But the weird stats like the amount of neuron connections one has? yeah sure that shows up.)

Health potion (Instantly heal anything a doctor/surgeon/medicine/time can fix. You only get 4 potions.) (EDIT: Clarification — This does indeed include therapy. What else could be healed, I let you choose at your own discretion, so long as it's not death.)

Skip. (You can force people to skip their dialogues and immediately retain info. If upgraded, will work on practically anything that requires you to wait — as in you can force skip a red light to turn green. Or force skip a book to read it quickly. Does not work on the concept of time itself - That's the loading screen's job.)

Achievments (Ex. : Congrats, you've pooped 100 times in one month! Includes % of humanity having the same achievment. + You gain a plastic/bronze/silver/gold/platinum trophy based on the achievement's rarity.) (Edit: BUFFED — you can sell those trophies!)

[weebsinstash]

I keep thinking of some darker yandere Vox ideas themed around hacking and his hypnosis abilities just because, idk, his obsession developing into the desire to control or pry into your most intimate of parts has been hitting different lately

-I mean, just. Right off the bat could you even imagine dating Vox for a while but being too shy to sleep with him yet and one day he decides he's "helping you" by completely overriding your free will and you're trapped in your own head watching and feeling as you lie on your back as he does whatever he wants. He treats it all intimate and special and it makes you wanna throw up meanwhile he's talking about, how like, 'oh, he was just helping you because you're so anxious, you two shared an intimate moment, he's never been so close to anyone before--'

- sorry, I've just been on soulmate shit so hard lately, so: soulmate Vox with a computer/smartphone/tech Reader and he's just incredibly um "emboldened" by the fact that "you guys match", and the whole, "belonging together" thing. You're his soulmate, and you guys should be sharing everything, right? :) what's your social media? Let him see your friends lists. You don't mind if the hacking stuff also extends to technology stuff outside of your control like peeping at your private DMs right? Oh, do you have the ability to connect your phone with yourself, or other devices with yourself? Better be careful leaving your wifi signal open; he just might jump into it

-Vox installing a virus inside you that tracks your location and things like your heartbeat, oxygen levels, and the current overall state of your body and all its parts. He's basically constantly looking at your... your fucking Sims stats. Are you hungry, tired, horny?

-I mean. When you really consider the possibility of "Reader/Vox are tech and certain human attributes can now be physically altered or modified", that can be both cool and horrifying in of itself. It could really be taken to extremes. Vox doing something to upset you and forcing you to forget about it by hacking into and deleting your actual fucking memories. Deletes memories of friends he doesn't want you hanging out with. Deletes memories of anyone he doesn't like you liking or admiring. Vox trying to forcibly install programs inside of you that can control or influence your personality

-been thinking about how Vox is from the 50s and has electrical powers and how he could in theory personally give you electro shock therapy or could be in favor of having it done to you professionally. If you're a robot like him, he could basically, EMP you and knock you out if he thinks you're "getting hysterical". I just often have ideas about how him and Alastor are from time periods where they threw people into hospitals or medicated people to control them to some real extreme degrees and methods and how this environment might manifest in their behaviors, actions, and opinions

-like me the idea of, you're already in a consensual relationship with him but you're still a little shy but, like, you're happy with him, but, he's so, You Know, that he decides that he just HAS to know more about you and hacks into you or does horrible shit anyways. Plugs into you while you're sleeping to look at your memories or even thoughts if he's worried you're hiding something from him, or even kind of worse, he just. Wants to know everything about you and what's inside your head, including all sorts of menial questions and wanting to know any sorts of habits or preferences or favorite things you have. He's juat utmost violating your body in genuinely the worst possible way by getting inside your actual mind and looking at whatever he wants and it's ranging from, he wants to see why you've seemed kind of anxious lately, to, he wants to know the best way to propose to you, to, he wants to make sure you're not cheating on him (without even the slightest clue to hint you are, he's just genuinely possessive and paranoid), to... wanting to know your favorite foods, colors, what shows do you watch clothes you like: it either becomes a slippery slope of him escalating how invasive he is Or he's just immediately feeling entitled to know everything from the get go

-so I personally don't have any experience in this sort of thing but apparently it can be a pretty big thing between couples that some people REALLY Do Not Like their partners watching porn and I can't help but think of, Reader who is either a new consensual partner/soulmate of Vox or a reluctant one and he's, insulted to find out you've been jacking it to like other people rather than sleeping with him. I'm talking "he's going through your search history" levels of creeping on you about this. He won't stop until he knows Every Single Fetish You Have and he'll use that knowledge against you, either to seduce you or just kind of shame you for not coming to him. Maybe there's even kinks you have he doesn't agree with so now he's like, violating your privacy AND judging you for things you aren't even public about

-you don't even have to be a robot and he has his hypnosis powers so... I also think about... Vox who forces his darling to calm down because you're not "cooperating" aka letting him/whomever else touch you, whether it's him forcing you to also put up with Val, or you're with Vox and Alastor, just Vox being able to completely rob your control of any situation, even nonsexual ones, forcing you to cuddle or try on certain clothes or answer certain questions. He's a greedy insecure egomaniac who's convinced he can buy/force your love no matter what as long as he keeps trying and obsessively finding out every single thing about you. He's pathetic. He's the kinda guy where if he's spying through his drones and catches you with another guy it upsets him so bad he's crying and stalking the dude's entire social media, finding out his name, his address, vowing to ruin his life, sobbing as he screams 'why don't you love me' kind of shit, but, to your face he'll try and be the perfect businessman to sell the image of the ideal partner and eventually husband

[specialmedicalcentre]

Soon-Mi's ICU Visit

We loved doing this collab, many thanks to our partner for making it happen. Words by medical_ai_pics - show them some love over on IG! For those who don't know, we also have a previous collab with them in a character.ai medical chatbot. Check that out as well! Read on for Soon-Mi's story. =====

“You’re alright miss…. just keep breathing.” The muffled and masked voice of nurse Emily was calm, but stern. Soon-Mi sat in a reclined stretcher in a busy hospital ward, holding an oxygen mask to her face and gasping like her life depended on it. Probably because it did.

“Pneumonia’s not being shaken. SpO2 still at 92% even on a non-rebreather.” Nurse Emily says to a medical student, Hannah, nearby. Soon-Mi, her hand drenched in cold sweat, claws at the mask and pulls it down to her neck. “I… ack… I’m a bit.. scared.” She wheezes, her lips turning blue from the effort. Nurse Emily firmly pushes the mask back up. “Don’t remove that. Hannah, go grab a BP cuff and some electrodes. We need a clearer picture, not just some pulse oximeter on her finger.”

Hannah rushes off as Nurse Emily unties Soon-Mi’s drenched gown. “Alright honey… it’s all okay, just be calm”. Hannah soon comes back, her naive eyes eager. “Got them…”. Nurse Emily places the electrodes over Soon-Mi’s drenched breasts and neck, and Hannah puts the BP cuff on her arm and another on her thigh. They begin to inflate and tighten as tears prick Soon-Mi’s eyes.

Nurse Emily begins to read the readings as they come through. “It’s not good. BP is collapsing, and heart rate is dropping slowly in line with SpO2. Can we get some IV fluids?”. Nurses begin to rush about around Soon-Mi’s writhing and gasping body. The mask she’s wearing is soaked from her breath, and her gown from her sweat.

Hannah looks expectantly at Nurse Emily. “What now? She’s not getting any better…” Soon-Mi grasps at Hannah’s scrubs, groaning under her breath. “Call a doctor, tell them she’s close to respiratory arrest.” Nurse Emily replies. Soon-Mi murmurs, her hair sticking to her forehead; “Wh…what’s happening?”

“Just relax honey, the doctors coming..”. As if on cue, Dr. Alisha comes in, tying a surgical mask on. “What’s she like now?” she asks, checking Soon-Mi’s vitals. “I’m not sure she’s improving much. Antibiotics seem to have no effect.” Nurse Emily says, curtly, as she removes the painfully tight BP cuff. “She’s hardly breathing.” she adds, as Soon-Mi clenches her eyes shut, rocking back and forth with the mask.

“I think it’s time to consider the ICU. If she stays like this she won’t survive the night.” Dr. Alisha says, pulling on a pair of gloves and pulling the railings up on the bed.

“If you’re sure doctor…” Nurse Emily starts pushing the gurney down the corridor, as Hannah hurries along, pulling a bouffant cap over Soon-Mi’s hair and mask strap.

As the team arrive in an empty ICU bay, Dr. Alisha immediately pulls off the oxygen mask, replacing it with a nasal cannula. “They’re better for pre-oxygenation when we intubate.” She explains, after seeing Hannah’s puzzled look. Nurse Emily pulls off Soon-Mi’s soaked gown entirely, strapping on a makeshift diaper for discretion and as a precautionary measure. “Hannah, put a BP cuff on each limb.” Hannah obliges, tightening them all at once in a symphony of desperation. Soon-Mi’s gaze starts to drift, as the lowered oxygen therapy takes its toll.

“Get that intubation team in here, stat!” says Dr. Alisha, noting Soon-Mi’s deteriorating condition. “Quickly!”.

But at that point Soon-Mi’s dizziness and breathlessness had taken its toll, and she fell unconscious and unresponsive as the 3 staff members rush around the room.

=====

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[mascotheres]

Is there any fun facts about Piper, Opal, Miguel, and Lavie? :>

YES YEES YES :)

ahem. anyways

FUN FACTS ABOUT FOUR OF THESE.

Piper is the type of girl who would do picnics with people, and the one who would bake the cookies for stuff would be Sprout/Cosmo whom often helps her with the picnic!

Piper relationship with Opal are mutual/fear of since Opal often gets constantly cheered up by Piper, he does not know how to respond properly. Meaning Opal might fear Shelly too.

Piper hates writing since she often messes up the spelling which can make her tad irritated.

Opal's best friend is the worm called "Woomy" whom is living inside his head.

Opal speech is quite slurred. Since he's constantly feeling Woomg inside his head tingling, he oftens feel tingle which slurs his word.

Opal's personality is supposedly to be same as OWAKCX. But i scrapped it and make Opal less like OWAKCX. Still, he have some of his antic.

Opal last name is Bauble.

Miguel does not like Opal, he often thinks Opal needs a Therapy.

Miguel gets anxious when he made a mistake, Lavie often comforts him.

No, Miguel is not Cuphead or Mugman's brother. No relation to them or whatsoever.

Miguel often tell how he feels to Lavie since He is the only one whom he can trust.

Lavie often had to make himself as a side therapy to everyone, Making their feelings comforted and Valid.

Lavie design especially the bandage in his eyes are meant to be there. it has nothing to do with any injuries, It resembles that hearts can be healed with care since he is the type of a toon who tend to be taking care of their injury.

Lavie tend to constantly look after Opal and Boxten, Making themselves feel safe as possible

Now the Main and non Mains stats cause i never stated it!!

Non mains

Piper and Opal

Mains

Lavie and Miguel

[fairyhaos]

ෆ 2023 WITH FAIRYHAOS: A YEAR IN THANKS

hii there, and yes, this is one of those 'my 2023' year reviews, but make it a letter of thanks to everyone (literally everyone) who i'm thankful for this year—and get ready, because it's a long list.

but first, some stats!

the fairyhaos account was opened 239 days ago (as of new year's eve)

and yet somehow, we have a total of 2877 followers already

i've made 35 moots in this time,

written 143 works and made 13 gifsets,

with my most popular work having 3.7k notes (that's literally insane)

i've made 5.7k+ posts, screamed about joshua for over 500 of them,

and somehow, racked up a total of 106.8k notes! (you guys are crazy. thank you so much)

and so all in all, this has been a crazy year, statistics-wise, but it all truly wouldn't have been possible without all of you.

so... onto the thanks!

first of all, i have to thank the entirety of our moots server, because you guys are loveliest, funniest, most deranged and delusional souls i have ever met, and i'm endlessly grateful to have met you. thank you, everyone! @blue-jisungs @eternalgyu @etherealyoungk @haecien @hannieheartuu @hannyoontify @icyminghao @idubiluv @kyeomyun @mirxzii @rubywonu @slytherinshua @weird-bookworm @wheeboo <3

and then to my incredibly talented cc moots: you guys are literally all so amazing. every time i see your content, you can bet that my eyes are going wide and i'm whispering a small "wow" to myself bc what you all create is so so amazing. thank you for being moots, even if we don't create the same type of content! @ajusnice @fabulaee @goblinvern @h-ao @jeonsupershy @joshuas @seokmins @soonhoonsol @woozis @wonufied @y-ves <3

of course, moots who i unfortunately don't talk to often, i can't forget you! i talk to u guys with varying degrees of frequency, but i love you all so so much and i'm literally so so grateful that we're friends! @aravrs @boosari @gyuswhore @joonsytip @leejungchans @mesanthropi @odxrilove @reikaryu @trblsvt @the-therapist-needs-therapy @wonwoonlight <3

but there's no way i'm forgetting everyone else! to @amxlia-stars , @welcometomyoasis , @wonijinjin and @kittyhuii , thank you guys for having fed my (everlasting) joshua brainrot at one point or another! to @haowrld , @lvlystars , @thepoopdokyeomtouched , thank you for talking with me even if we're not moots! and @sweet-like-caramel , @minhui896 , thank you for being so sweet and supportive of my works <3

to my named anons: 🎐 anon, 🍒 anon, 🐾 anon, thank you so much for loving me enough to pop into my inbox with ur own cute emoji :) and to the named anons who revealed their names, thank you and thank you for feeling comfortable enough to tell me who you are as well <3

and to my unnamed anons, to the anons who came in and wrote one ask before leaving, and to the anons who come back but without any emoji: i see you! and i'm thankful for you interacting with me <3

also thank you to you—yes, you, lovely followers, because even if you and i don't talk, i'm endlessly grateful that you liked me and my work enough to follow!

to everyone who's interacted with my work in one way or another, thank you so much, and i hope to provide more content for you in the future!

2023 has been a crazy year, both for me personally and also the fairyhaos account, and i've only been able to get to this stage right now because of all of you, and for that i'm truly thankful.

happy new year everyone, and i hope you are all nothing but happy and healthy in 2024 💗

[redysetdare]

No you're so right I fucking hate the "aces have it so much better than aros" part of the community. Just because more people know the word asexual than aromantic doesn't mean aces are treated better than aros by the society?? More people know the word asexual yes, but they don't really understand what it means to be on the asexual spectrum, and they try to paint us in the worst light possible. That's like saying binary trans people have it much better than nonbinary people, or trans women have it much better than trans men due to more visibility. Some people in the aro community want there to be a hierarchy of non-aro aces > aroaces > non-ace aros so bad because they just want to be acephobic and get away with it. And they're barely even hiding that anymore nowadays.

Sorry for this angry rant, sometimes it just feels like everyone, even other aspec people absolutely despise aroaces.

I really need people to acknowledge that a group being more visible does not make them more accepted or better treated than a group that is invisible. You think we'd learn this after this argument has been used against so many identities but noooope. I guess not. The thing is that visibility can still be bad because being visible to your oppressors just makes you an easier target. the words homosexual, gay, and lesbian were all known way before asexual and you know what that visibility did? it mostly got them targeted and attacked - especially by laws and the medical field. Autism is a label that's been known for decades and people STILL treat Autism like a bad word and a terrible thing to be labeled.

People are just starting to figure out the word asexual and they are using that to actively target asexuals. The Ace discourse era around 2016 was AWFUL and it was because people learned the term asexual and decided we were just "Straight people trying to be special" or "incel freaks" or "Just sad virgins" It was considered cool and fun to mock and harass asexuals. it was common for people to create fake ace blogs to make us look bad. There are still dog whistles being posted around that mock and belittle asexuals that people treat as silly jokes. People still tell aces to shut up and not complain. People who harassed aces of tumblr act like their part in the ace discourse era was just a quirky little thing they did and not a genuine issue that they refuse to acknowledge and any ace who brings it up gets told to get the fuck over it.

It ignored the fact that asexuals have the highest stat in conversion therapy. it ignores the stat that corrective rape happens majority to asexuals. it ignored the fact that many asexuals end up getting broken up with or divorced for being asexual because so many people are unwilling to compromise in a relationship that isn't sexual. Many Aces feel forced to have sex with their partners because not doing so gets them labeled as abusive. Asexuality is still considered by most doctors to be a disorder that needs to be fixed and so it can be dangerous to bring it up lest your doctor actively try to focus on it as a main issue. Therapists assume your asexuality is a trauma response and may aces have to keep their asexuality under wraps lest their therapists start to focus only on that instead of their other issues. Yes, people know the term asexual. But that does not mean they Accept asexuals. some people use the knowledge of that term to target and attack asexuals.

No one has it better. we all just face different issues and to claim one group is some how more accepted than another is naive at best and outright malicious at worst and genuinely some of these people are getting way to close to repeating ace discourse era arguments and it's really getting to me because the call SHOULD NOT be coming from INSIDE THE FUCKING HOUSE.

[blushblushbear]

How the boys would react/console you after a PTSD nightmare? 🥹

from the heart of the bear; I hope you have a good night's sleep filled with pleasant dreams <3

NOW FOR BOYS

Nimh - is startled at first (mostly cause he wakes up with a start half the time he wakes up regardless), immediately filled with sympathy for you. makes you a nice mug of tea, wraps you in a quilt, holds you tight and whispers words of comfort until you are put at ease once more

Volks - he's not the best with words, so he just holds you. Tight and close and secure. He might not have words for you, but he's got you none the less. He's here. You're safe. He's with you. It's gonna be okay.

Kelby - He's very drowsy, but he leads you through breathing exercises. Might fall asleep as he's guiding you through them (they're very soothing), but he's still holding your hand tight even as he drifts off. Breath in, breath out, follow him into sleep.

Eli - He'll ask if you wanna grab ice scream and trauma dump or just be held and try to go back to sleep. Either way, he's here for you, whatever you need, for as long as you need it.

Anon - Rubs your back and plays soothing noises like rain as you lay on his chest. Breaths with you as you start to relax

Garret - scoops you up into his strong arms, holds you close, rocking you back and forth as he pets your hair. it's okay love, you always have Garret.

Dmitri - Takes your hands, gives them both a kiss. pulls you in and kisses your cheek. Wraps his arms around you and whispers sweet nothings in your ear. You are safe, you are wrapped in his love, it will be okay.

Ichiban - asks if you wanna talk about it. lays in bed next to you as you vent and then/or lays cuddled up with you as you watch cat videos on his phone.

William - holds you tight in his arms and low key plays therapist. Saying how this is a normal part of trauma (which is is) and how it's part of the healing (which it also is). very calming, very reassuring, let's you cry or vent your heart out

Myx - pulls you in close and sings you a gentle love song until you can breath normal again. rocks and lulls you back into sleep.

Stirling - pulls you in close, silent and contemplative. he rubs your back and pets your head. he's here, it's going to be alright.

Scale - rests his head on yours and holds your hand tight. vows that he will protect you from anything and be by your side come what may. the shadows are scary, but he is scarier.

Sven - finds the softest blanket he can and makes you into a burrito. brings you hot choc and asks if you want to talk about it. either way, you end up warm and snugly in his arms

Cole - holds you close and in a soft and quiet voice promises that you are alright, and nothing will ever get to you so long as he's around. and he will always be around...

Poe - holds your hand, quiet in the dark, runs his thumb along the back of your hand as he recites you a poem he wrote for you but has yet to share.

Cashew - wraps you in a blanket, snuggles up with you and reads you something sweet and soothing.

Seth - pulls you in close and rubs your back as he let's you let it all out. it'll be okay. you have him. and he'll be damned if anything will ever happen to you. (I mean he's damned either way but you get the idea)

Logan - pulls you into his big strong cuddly arms and calls in his foster therapy dog. it sounds like you need a cuddle puddle of love and support STAT

Reece - wraps his scarf around you, and pulls your head in close, kisses your forehead lovingly and holds you as he promises it will be alright, he's got you.

Aki - curls up around you trying to snuggle you as snuggly as he can be. asks if you want to hear about some awesome pranks he's pulled recently or a few good jokes he's heard. either way, you're gonna be support cuddled for the rest of the night.

Haru - pulls you in close, holds you tight, kisses your forehead and promises that nothing will ever touch you as long as he's around.

Fuyu - is a big shocked at first, pulls you in, drapes over you as he holds you close. swears upon all the stars in the sky that if anything rotten ever looks your way, he'll show them the true meaning of fear.

[xurkitreeking]

i love your human ink, could you care a little bit more about him please 🥺?? (headcanons and all of that)

!

*turns brain upside-down, smacking the bottom of it to get all the thoughts out. like i'm getting the dust and crumbs out of a keyboard*

in this au magic is it's own distinct form of matter, or energy which is created by the soul. everything is either made of physical mater or magic.

the 'ink' that ink manipulates is not magic, but instead just regular physical matter that hasn't become anything yet. it has the capability of becoming anything and, in a sense, is what every non magical thing is made of (although he cannot turn anything he didn't make back into ink)

ink is entirely made of this solid ink. at one point he had a body that was partially made of magic (like blue/underswap sans) but he's since replaced each part of it with ink over time after being injured.

he has no internal organs. other than the outside layer of color, everything underneath is solid black ink. so his "blood" is black

he, unlike many other sans', is incredibly durable. and whilst he feels normal and squishy to the touch, he's about as solid as concrete

in this au all souls contain magic, although only some are born with the ability to use it. as a result, there is virtually no physical distinction between ink's body and an inanimate object

he has no stats (hp, defense, or attack) since those refer to magic. instead ink is perfectly fine as long as the ink that composes his body still exists

he's always covered in burses

he always doodles around the burses in pen, and is always writing on his arm.

he's always covered in henna tattoos (which he obv draws himself)

he can't feel pain and is very casual about loosing a limb (which doesn't happen frequently. but. you know. it happens.)

whilst ink is well intentioned (most of the time) and is ultimately a force for good, on a person to person level he is not what i would describe as a "good person".

he tends to overstep boundaries and takes jokes way too far. the suffering of others is quite funny to him

he's also a total adrenalin junkie and has complete disregard for the danger he puts his friends in by dragging them along with him (particularly blue)

he is aware of these flaws. he often realizes after the fact and feels bad about it but does little to change

he believes that he's the only one who's truly alive since everyone else is no more than a character written and controlled by the creators, whilst he alone has free will. (he's also wrong. he's just as much a character written and controlled by the creators as everyone else is. he just has a god complex). he's often incredibly cruel to those he does not deem "important to the plot" (he does not believe this is a flaw)

whilst he isn't a "good person" it's much more complex then saying he's a "bad person". i just find his flaws much easier to articulate. maybe that's a me problem, maybe i'm projecting (maybe i need to go to therapy about it)

more miscellaneous stuff!:

he's aro/ace

him and error are roommates (ink just showed up in the void and became an immovable object) (error's also aro/ace)

they co-parent paperjam and gradient

ink made pj as a literal fan kid for him and error. he used a save point for his soul

error made gradient out of his strings as a doll for pj to play with. then pj brought him to life (somehow)

i've ended up drawing human error and made sketches of human pj and "human" gradient that i will never finish

i know your ask was about ink but this is where it lead me

there, i can stop thinking about this now. i think i can sleep now

edit: wait no! gradient has button irises not full on button eyes

[xf-cases-solved]

S1E12: Fire

Case: An incel played by Mark Sheppard is lighting people (and things, but we're more concerned about the people) on fire, and they can't figure out how he's doing it. This case is brought to Mulder's attention by his toxic British ex, Phoebe (who, as far as Mulder's exes go, is way more charismatic than Fowley so -shrug emoji-), and the two of them go off to Massachusetts to stop some rich British people from being barbecued. Half the people in this episode are weirdly horny, especially the fire expert guy at the Bureau who sounds like he's in the process of getting off when he describes pictures of fire. Mark Sheppard kicks a dog. Mulder literally says the words, "That's one of the luxuries to hunting down aliens and genetic mutants—you rarely get to press charges," so at least they're self-aware. Also, he's terrified of fire and apparently "cursed" with a photographic memory—I'm pretty sure neither of these things ever come up again. Meanwhile, the only person doing any actual FBI work is Scully. Thank god for her.

Does someone die in the cold open: Ah, yeah. Death by psychic immolation. Not the nicest way to go.

Does Mulder present a slideshow: No, but he does get practical joked into thinking he's about to die in a car bombing. Take note, Youtube pranksters.

Does the evidence survive the investigation: The most damning evidence is Incel Mark Sheppard himself, and while he's definitely a little crispy, he makes it to the end.

Whodunit: Incel Mark Sheppard

Convictions: Incel Mark Sheppard will face prosecution once he's done applying aloe to his burns. They are kind of not sure how to do that given that he can light literally anything flammable on fire with his mind. If it was 2024 they'd just do a Zoom call, but alas.

Did they solve it: Yes!

[how do i determine if an episode is solved? check the scale here: x]

THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Forced exposure therapy.

Do you need to suffer from a convenient phobia that is relevant to your current situation in order to provide suspense to your plotline, but you also don't want to have to ever bring it up again in your general narrative arc as a whole? Get rid of it quick with forced exposure therapy!

Forced exposure therapy works by having you speedrun the entire therapy process by putting you in a life or death scenario where you have no choice but to face your fears. Tired of being afraid? Well throw yourself into that burning building and learn to become brave, once and for all!*

*Forced exposure therapy may worsen phobias in some individuals, potentially resulting in the development of moderate to severe post-traumatic stress disorder. Do not put yourself into life or death scenarios without first speaking to your doctor to see if forced exposure therapy is right for you.

***

General Total Stats:

(green means stat has changed since last ep; red means new stat added to list)

Total Cases *Definitively* Solved So Far: 5 (that's two in a row! new best streak!!)

Total Number of "Mulder/Scully, it's me" phone calls: 1 (oh man, we were so close two different times. first one Scully goes, "Mulder, it's Scully," and i was like, "damn," and then later she started calling him on her gigantic black box cell phone, and i was like, "ooh, here we go!" but then the call didn't go through :( )

Total Number of Times Scully Has Conveniently Not Seen Something Crucial: 4 (she was kind of the only person paying actual attention to anything this episode)

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Been in Mortal Danger: 5 (the amount of smoke inhalation he got both times he was in the fire probably should have killed him, tbh)

Total Number of Times Scully Has Been in Mortal Danger: 3

Total Number of Sexually Charged and/or Flirty Moments Between Friendly Coworkers: 6 (there's so much weird tension in this episode that i can't even count it all individually)

Total Number of Autopsies Scully Has Performed On Screen: 1

Total Number of Times Scully Plays Doctor: 1

Total Number of Times Mulder Talks to an Informant: 6

Total Number of Nosebleeds: 4

Total Number of Times Mulder Has Tasted/Sniffed/Touched Something Questionable Without Following Proper Safety Procedures: 1

Total Number of Times Someone Says "Trust No One": 1

Total Number of Cigarettes Cigarette Smoking Man Has Smoked: 2

Total Number of Alex Krycek Sightings: 0 :(

Total Number of Times I Had to Look Up What State the Episode Takes Place in Even Though I Literally Just Watched It: 3 ½ (giving myself half-credit bc I knew it happened in Cape Cod, but I didn't know where Cape Cod was lol)

Total Number of Times I Had to Look at an Episode's Wikipedia Page to Fill This Out Because It Was Fucking Confusing and/or Too Boring for Me to Pay Attention: 2 (not this episode, and i can also say with authority that this stat won't go up next episode either, bc next episode is mfing "Beyond the Sea" which is the topest of tiers of first season episodes. get hype!!!)