#FIRST OF ALL ME IM ALWAYS TIRED ON WORKING DAYS
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... 💌: wip wednesday!
let's ignore that it's thursday for a second 😭 thank you so much for including me in the dynamic @sceletaflores 🫶🏻 sneak peeks under the cut!!
'you know it will always just be me'
messy exes to lovers with logan.. GIVE IT TO ME UGHHH im still debating on posting this tbh and it's FAR from done, but here's a small fraction of it that i like
Maybe it was the anchor you held on to, the alibi to leave your ex, but soon after breaking up with him, the feelings wearing off, the flaws started becoming prominent, you soon started wondering what you knew was in Logan’s head. Only he was more straightforward. “That’s a shame.. Why the fuck were you with him, then? Must’ve been damn good looking if he wasn’t a good fuck.” “Logan!” You squeaked, his name a miniscule retaliation, a small hint of embarrassment in your tone at the suddenly blunt remark, though you couldn’t help but think that deep down, he was right.. You’d never admit it, though. “Too eager for dick? You know silicone exists, right?” He scoffed, eyeing you up and down as your cheeks and ears turned red, the shit eating grin in his face only evidencing just how good it felt for him to know that he was right, and you’d confirmed it without having to open your mouth.
You looked at him in embarrassment, trying to not see red, as the team had advised you to stay in peace with the rest of the school under the pretext of it helping you mold and fit in. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, asphyxiating the fire brewing within you. “It’s just not the same.. Pretty sure you know that.” You snapped back, eyeing him up and down condescendingly, almost knowing what he was up to after your separation, and you almost pitied him for not knowing how to keep it in his pants. “You could’ve just called.” “You wish.” You replied, rolling your eyes as you turned heel to leave, Logan watching your frame disappear into the hallway.. Part of you wished he’d stopped you. But you pushed the thought away, knowing it was over, you couldn’t go back, you promised not to go back. You did the first couple times, as he showed up to your work, called you late at night and won you over with his stupid cat eared hair and sultry raspy voice and his dumb 'c’mon, princess, let me in' that always seemed to work. But that was over. It had to be over. Can’t be under him if you wanna get over him.
'eating out of my hand'
so... feral!sub!logan... collared. giving you head. that's it. it's been plaguing my head lately so i HAD to write ab it.
You’d notice when it got hard for him, and in the beginning, he would push you away, deny. Try to control what he let you know like he did with the rest. But with time, he let you in, trusting you to care for him like no one did, and you were always happy to oblige. You would always know before he told you, it was in the eyes. The way he looked at you after a mission, or a really busy day teaching the kids. It was a look that he’d never give you outside of this headspace, of pure and utter submission. It had been a day since he'd gone. You were in your shared room, waiting for him to come back from the mission, patiently. Your eyes rake over in the image in front of you as he opens the door and you stand to greet him like you always do, only for you to find a man - your man - towering over you, his hair mussed and his clothes clinging to his body by a thin sheet of sweat that adorned him. He looked tired, and he was looking at you with such eyes that made heat travel to your pants in the fraction of a second. He’d never say it out loud, but his eyes screamed the plea loud enough. Please, use me. Take this from me, it’s all too much right now. You were always happy to oblige.
'out (like a light)'
tbh this is still a very rough idea, but i WILL write this (... eventually). essentially it's a poly!poolverine drabble where they finger you to sleep SKDJDJ
no pressure tags! @loganhowlettshousewife @buck-star @silverskyeline and whoever else wants to share! this is your tag 💗
#made by: serae ♡#don't know when i'll post these#hopefully soon tho#finals szn is kicking my ass tho#logan howlett smut#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett#wolverine x reader#logan howlett x you#logan wolverine
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I'm being a brave boy at work even though I wanna go home so everyone look at these pictures of bedhead Utonium!!!!! 😭💖💖💖💖
#jane journals#self insert talk#🔬 starkissed scientist 🔬#OUGGGGHHHHHH#FIRST OF ALL ME IM ALWAYS TIRED ON WORKING DAYS#AND SECOND OF ALL HGGHHHH 🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘🥺💘💘💘#I GOTTA KISS HIS STUBBLY FACE AND SNUGGLE HIM AND HELP HIM GET HIS HAIR SMOOTHED OUT#AND GET HIM BREAKFAST AND COFFEE AND MORE KISSES 😭😭😭😭😭😭
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It's missing my father hours rn so imma just dump a bunch of pictures here and cry
( sorry i don't know the source of anything I just had them on my phone)
(also dont read the tags i just need to let it out lol)
#I just realized I can call him dad easier than my real dad and now I understand why am I so damn attached to him#I always knew he was a parental figure for me#but now I connected the dots#How when u have an absent dad and a d34d mom a guy shows up in ur life#that tells u life advice that both of ur parents failed to do so#and makes u feel safe the first time in ur life#ofc ud become attached#i know for sure its unhealthy how much i love and miss him#he occupies most of my thoughts honestly#But how could i not cling to him so much when he was the only one who gave me hope in life#i try to keep going and even tho he is not here i keep telling myself whatever he taught me. i keep reminding myself he wants us to live an#bloom and be free#and that's what ill try to do#but you know somedays i wish i could just disappear and be wrapped in eternal happiness#its so fucking hard to pull yourself out of the slump man im so fucking tired im so so tired#somedays i wish id have the courage to off myself but i know that deep down i want to live and ive always wanted to live but i have no idea#how to live. i feel like i finally found a purpose and someone i love. but at the same time im always doubting myself and im scared of losi#g this little hope again and i know i should cherish and use it instead but each day i have this anxiety because rn i have nothing else if#lose this i seriously will lose everything atp. but ill still try bc rn its this or death so i should try im just damn tired yes anyways#sorry for being depressing some days just dont work out but thats okay#yes at the same time i want to get out of my head and try to find some friends but i cant deny that im highkey fucked up and i just cant le#go of my past and i still feel like that helpless unloved kid and idk how to form relationships this way. i dont trust myself at all so idk#how to trust others. and i feel like in order to find ppl that would love me i have to overshare abt my whole lifestory bc it still dictate#my life heavily. and since i met this band its better cuz im learning to deal w it and i want to heal from everything but yes at the same t#me who would wqnt to be friends w. someone that has like a year of life experience and 18 years of depression lol#so yes its complicated. bc i have friends but im like the funny friend. the one that is as shallow as puddle and has no problems but honest#y im genuinely sufferint qnd have been sufferinz all my life so i want to come out of my funny friend role. but that wojld mean i have to t#ll the shit i went through to all my friends but tbh it would be so random so ye. i do have a plan though. how it could work. But yes im ti#ed have been tired for 7 years now. But this time around i hope i can successfully get out of this torture cycle lol.#ok sorry this is what happens after puberty guys i could beva research case for a damn mental institute atp xdd
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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I was just listening to a song I used to love while we were friends. I listened to it so often, we talked so often, it became the background music to our relationship.
I'm listening to it while I knit. I often forget that I started knitting because of you. I remembered tonight. It's strange, I never knitted anything for you. I've knitted for other loved ones, rarely for myself, but never for you. I remembered you showing me the amazing things you made, and I wished I could get to that level of skill. But at that time, you had to explain to me how to purl because I couldn't get it.
Everything reminds me of you in a terrible way. Everything I do is an echo of you. I started painting so that I could paint for you. I started knitting to bond with you. I hear your voice in the music I listen to. You're haunting the things that I love. Will I ever make a brush stroke or stitch without you on my mind?
#i should be able to block all music i listened to on Spotify from 2018-2020. i was not doing well and i dont need the reminders pls#im fine this was just kinda reflective#so much of what i do was inspired by her. i havent spoken to her in three years. we havent been friends for five#but my first painting was a gift to her. i started knitting because she knitted. i got so much music from her#we bonded heavily over music. and i used it to cope after she left. so unfortunately shes mixed into so much of it#she got me into dnd which got me into a different ttrpg im playing now (unknown armies)#shes a big reason i applied to the summer camp i worked at for six years#and a big reason i took the position i had the last two years. and the reason i told our camp legend (long story)#she was in my christmas in july gift i gave and received this year#i dont think ill ever be able to forget her. on good nights thats a good thing. its reassuring. she'll always be with me#but on bad nights. i feel like im never going to stop missing her#i was knitting tonight while listening to music. as the post suggests. and i was just overcome with her#this is the bed i was in when she called and left me. this is the bedroom we used to video call to practice sign language in#oh theres another one. i was going to be an asl interpreter. years ago in another life. i always practiced with her#we're both autistic and asl is easier than speaking a lot of the time#fuck. it reminds me of the ship of theseus. its 2:30am so i wont be able to explain well but#no actually i tried and i cannot explain. youll just have to understand. some days i wish i ciuld replace all the parts that were her#and sometimes im so afraid to lose the parts that were her because thatll feel like losing her#if i ever consciously decided to stop knitting (which i may have to do soon) it will feel like im replacing a board that was hers#how many of my boards are hers? are any of hers mine anymore? how many of hers can i lose before shes gone?#that last one was asked with fear and hope. and fear. depending on the day#god im tired. goodnight
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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If I could change one thing in my life I'd make it so no one ever commented on food
#elias.zip#im so fucking tired of it!!! joking or not its fucking degrading. just constantly. i get it im so fucking unhealthy all i eat is processed#chemical slop thats gonna kill me at 30 and im the unhealthiest person in the fucking work#world* you dont need to fucking remind me every goddamn day. even the comments that arent bad still make me feel likr shit for eating!!! i#already feel really bad about how poorly i eat. i literally cannot fucking starve myself more basically over this kind of comment.#like damn!!! i sure do have a lot of body issues for someone whos skinny WHY am i even complaining in the first place likr i used to fucking#hate my stomach and its noy when#even* big and i think its gone down bc i eat even less now!!! i cannoy make ANYONE happy no matter what i do or what i cook its always comme#nt comment comment in everything i fucking do. i swear to god im never going to fucking recover from living with them. i would've run away i#f i grew up with them im serious#negative#ihateithereihateithereihateithere#nothing's working out. i csnt make friends. i csnt keep them. im a fucking deadbeat im just like my dad in every conceivable way no ones pr#oud of me no matter what i do and i fucked myslef from any opportunity i had to get out of the system what is the fucking point#i jsut dont knoe anymore!!!!!! its not like the Future even looks good or that i see myself anywwhre but in the exact same spot because all#i ever fucking manage to achieve is self sabotage and whining about how no one loves me. god!!!!!
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Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....
#my art#gore#organs#its 2am so not a lot of this is going to be very coherent but this song makes me feel a lot of things about it all#like. its the Expectations#the expectation that im going to date men and the expectation that im going to date at all have always felt equally stifling#theres that feeling of not trying hard enough or not realizing it at first or trying to lean into what you're told you should feel#and having it not pay off time and time again and wishing you could just make it work#because everyone else around you has it just fine and you dont get why you're struggling with it so much#THERE ARE MORE SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THE TWO IS WHAT IM SAYING#like obviously figuring out aromanticism is especially weird because its a lack of something BUT THEYRE PRETTY SIMILAR#realizing I dont want to date anyone mirrors realizing I didn't like boys but like. idk man its worse sometimes?#I wouldn't trade it for the world it means a lot to me but its almost like people go out of their way not to understand it sometimes#at the end of the day I am the you in that song#it was a very very long road to being okay with never falling in love because that was something I wanted for a very very long time#at the end of the day I will never have to be someones wife and I think its better that way#but its also hard not to get jealous sometimes#like I know its irrational I know I get physically ill at just the thought of being asked out but like#sometimes ill see my friends with their girlfriends and ill feel like clawing my own chest out with want#but also if anyone asks me out I will have to dig myself into a pit and never come out. I think.#I want to be with women but I dont want to Be With Women if that makes sense#its another layer of difficulty that I dont think I'll ever be able to get past#I feel like at this point I should just be trying to conditioning myself out of any form of desire because its just not an option for me#which definitely isn't true and like chappell roan says. you'd have to stop the world just to stop the feeling.#but its also so tiring to have to sit here with the feeling and feel bad for having the feeling.#I dont know#I think if I felt a little more or a little less I’d be fine but I’m stuck in the middle#it feels very weird talking about this openly but also its very difficult to talk about with friends because most of them dont get it#anyways something something Josies monologue from bottoms#im going to bed
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I don't know how to explain to you chucklefucks that for the most disenfranchised among us, NOTHING HAS FUCKING CHANGED since Trump left office. We know how bad it was, we were fucking here. And we are TELLING YOU, not speculating about the future, we are TELLING 👏YOU 👏NOW that nothing fucking got better for us and some of us ALREADY have nothing left to lose THANKS TO BIDEN AS WELL. NOT JUST TRUMP. WE HAVE BEEN DOING THIS SHIT ALL ALONG. Not JUST once Trump got to office!!! And NO IT HAS NOT BEEN FUCKING EASIER. WTF. Incoming tranmission from Planet Neoliberal Voter Privilege.
You stupid pricks don't even seem to realize that Trump leaving office DIDNT MEAN HIS APPOINTEES ALL WENT WITH HIM. THEYVE STILL BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME. Alive and WELL AT WORK helping to push some of the worst antiqueer legislation we've seen in DECADES while Biden, who barely has 2 brain cells left to rub together, decomposes before our very eyes.
If you think TRUMP was the thing that brought neo-nazi fascism to the mainstream, you are so comfortably privileged to have gotten to ignore it, to have never fucking heard it until then. And you are way too out of touch to be addressing the people you think you're talking to rn!
The "sign off on your glorious revolution" bit really gets me. Lmao. What a fundamental misunderstanding of the issue. What a hilarious way to misconstrue entire swaths of political ideology. You think Policial Jesus is going to come and save your ass, so we must think that too, huh?
Shits gonna hit the fan this year regardless of who "wins" the election, and it's not merely because of The Orange Man. It's also because of everyday lay people like this OP who have merely been privileged enough to ignore the suffering of your neighbors until now. Your privilege is running out, not because the revolution is coming, but because the hegemony that affords you that privilege cannot continue indefinitely. That machine runs on a profit-growth-extraction paradigm and we are running out of resources to extract from.
I don't know how to explain to these fucking people that you are the tone deaf motherfuckers we're talking to when we say you need to stop talking and learn. You have reblogged support of BLM and UBI and Palestine but at the end of the day you *don't fucking listen* to what we're saying in those posts. At the end of the day you are not hearing our cries of pain. And its pretty fucking ridiculous to turn around and point at people EVEN LESS PRIVILEGED THAN YOU and say "don't you realize that YOU'RE going to threaten MY safety and stability with your uncouth actions?" Well, bully for fucking you, because we already lost that! It's been gone! It never came back for some of us after Trump left!!!! You got to plug your ears and pretend the pandemic was over while millions of us became disabled and homeless for the first time as a result!!! While BIDEN admitted HE DOESNT THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE!!!!! You got to go back to your life while protestors railing against our tax dollars being used for GENOCIDE are being injected with KETAMINE by the COPS!!!! If you thought TRUMP was that fucking scary! At least he outright said what he was doing!! Biden is continuing his work with ICE, continuing to increase surveillance and crack down on any kind of protestor, cop cities are expanding UNDER BIDEN, DEMOCRATS ARE ALSO VOTING FOR MASK BANS!!!!!!!
It is SOOOOO BLATSNTLY SELF CENTERED to think that you losing the privilege of a comfy life is the biggest threat to ""our democracy"" rn. YOU got to ignore how bad shit was until now. Some of us NEVER HAD THAT LUXURY. Our democracy fucking died decades ago and YOU got to keep playing Weekend at Bernies with it's corpse while the rest of us dug our own graves. And now you're scared because you stand to end up like us.
Lol. Lmao. Get fucked. This type of attitude is only furthering the class/social divides that already exist between voters and WILL. NOT. get anyone to vote harder for Biden. In fact, it just makes me wanna fist fight a Democrat even more than I already did.
First they came for the indigenous, and you didn't say anything bc you got yours. They came for the immigrants, and you didn't say anything bc you've always been a citizen. They came for the prisoners and their voting rights and you said if they didn't want to lose their rights they should follow the law, even while they made it illegal to mask, to protest, to be gay and trans in public- its so easy to just follow the rules! They came for the trans kids and you said, but we already have gay marriage, I thought it was safe to be queer now, and I dont have trans kids so I don't see how this affects me... they came for palestine and you said Oof. Well. That's the price of freedom for me, I guess!
And now they're coming for you and none of the other targets are left to feel worried for you, because we have already been living through your worst nightmare, UNDER BIDEN.
You look fucking stupid.
if you could EVER find a dem as outspoken and angry for the people as trump is for the white 1% then maybe we wouldnt be having this discussion.
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#me#happy out of touch thursday every fucking day#to a homeless queer ass disabled ass mfer like me?#the Horror of Fascist America that you FINALLY woke up to for 5 mins when trump was in officr#thats just how America has always looked to me.#always.#you sound like MAGATS. vote for a dem and make america great again. just like how it was before trump. yk. perfect#literally all that changed w trump in office was that the gov was being honest for once#hell yea we're gonna build a wall. fuck them kids.#dems lie and waffle and pussyfoot and they go ooohhhhhh we wanna help :((( we want to sooo bad its just :(( ugh its so hard :(((#im tired of propriety#if dems gave a fuck they would also be angry#but theyre not! bc they are neoliberal shills who DONT FUCKING WORK FOR YOU!!!!!#america is NOT a functioning democracy and it hasnt been for a WHILE#privilege is the carrot that allows some of you to believe theres no stick.#the fact that youre losing it for the first time sucks#but id be a LOT more sympathetic to you rn if youd been to me all along#esp wrt 'the government hurting me' lmfao#biden has also done his damndest to KILL ME.#neoliberals will continue to also create a means testing resource hoarding wildly unequal society bc they *HAVE THE SAME INTERESTS*#ie CORPORATE AND FINANCIAL INTERESTS#not real people. we are not of interest#the sooner you realize that the better#the new panthers would never eat my face party realizing ur face is about to get eaten#preaching to a choir of people whose faces have long since been digested
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I have college assignmrnts to do for tonig💥
#I DIDNT GET A LOT OF SLEEP BC I HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP BEFORE THE SUN COMES UP FOR MOST OF MY SUMME R BREAK AND STILL NOW OFF OF BREAK#AND ON TOP OF THAY I WOKE UP EARLYISH BC THERE WAS CRAZY THUNDER AWHAHDBVDBBS#today's challenge: Survive#i landed the president's list for last semester again i wonder if I'm just burned out an need more of a break than just. a week </3#bc my abilities 2 focus on work and get started on all my studies asap asap like usual has not been. happening anymore#for a few weeks Before the end of the semester too (esp since a lot of irl obstacles tripped me up BAD the last month of last semester agh)#so um#girl help lol!#the ADHD has been ADHDing bAD SO BAD lately and it's only the first week aaaaa a a a aaaaaaaa#(and yes im on meds i just keep focusing on the wrong thingms on them rn. + bad skin picking bc sadly my meds always make that Worse aieee)#dodes it sound like im tired. my mom says i must just be tired. um. mmaybe.#i think right now specifically i certainlly am tired but lbr that's largely bc of Situation (horrible at goign tf to bed all the time alwa#a#so crazy bro i suddenly become like a top student (straight As for days and i fr feel like im REALLY GOOD AT stddying what im studying)#and th4n suddenly boom . category 5 consistent executive dysfunctions event (triggered by so so many big assignmennst last term)#..ok when i phrase it as category 5 consisten dt executive dysfunctions event THAT DOES SOUND LIKE. WHAT BURNOUT PROBABLY IS oh no!#girl HELP haha hel p
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bagged a trial shift at a new pub just for my manager to immediately put on facebook if anyone wants an extra shift on wednesday. he knows what im doing
#he said GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RN#lmfaoooo the notif came through literally as i put the phone down i was like 😳😳😳#like that 'CONNOR' tiktok audio like no king im not doing anythinggg haha wdym#anyway im a bit annoyed that the first place to get back to me from my applications was this one#bc im pretty sure their pay is still minimum wage and also my cousin worked a trial shift there once#and not only did they not pay him but they also never called him back or even emailed to politely turn him down#literally just used him for free labour and that was that#word of warning from a very tired waitress if ur thinking about starting: always take trial shifts with a pinch of salt#if the trial shift is longer than 2 hours they really really should be paying you and if they dont the odds are you got mugged off#also the woman on the phone after i said i worked at the place i currently work at was like 'and do you still work there?' SHE KNOWS#and when i said yes she was like 'would you be willing to leave?' HOW CAN I BE TWO-TIMING BOTH OF YOU RN#LYING TO ONE JOB ABOUT SEEKING ANOTHER JOB LYING TO THE NEW JOB ABOUT LEAVING THE OLD ONE COME ON NOW#IM NOT BUILT FOR THESE LAYERS#but yeah summary here is i have a shift at my actual place on wednesday (thank god i havent had work in over a fucking WEEK)#and i have a trial shift at a new place where i'll most likely be offered a job. life is picking up#ALSO i have enough money to change my america flights bc basically something came up with that and i need to change my return flight#and i was originally rlly worried bc the change cost was £161 and that piled onto my current no-shifts stress was Not Fun#but ive been working a lot for my mum and i got paid for the shifts i HAVE done and it all kinda fell together anyway#the way everything is sorting itself today within the same HOUR yet ive been stressing about these things for days now#hella goes home#hella slaves to capitalism
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oh my god am i so fucking tired
#work ended two hours ago but still just so so tired#to be fair it was my first shift back in two weeks after that GODFORSAKEN cold#tales from diana#i was very anxious to do this last night. i had a hard time falling asleep#didnt get as much sleep as i wanted but i still did sleep#i had a half-day kindergarten job originally but when i got there they switched me to full day fifth grade#and it sure was a full day of fifth grade#theyre doing this thing right now in the fifth grade where they switch classes and go to the different teachers#to prepare for middle school. i get it i get it it's a good system#but i did have to teach a one-hour writing class three times to like sixty kids in total#it's a lot. AND i had to do a lunch duty god forbid#tomorrow im subbing full-day for a different kindergarten teacher and since im goin there i doubt theyll send me anywhere else#unless i guess someone else abruptly calls out sick but like. uhhh i just wanna do this k class ive been w them like 4 times this month#theyre easy i know these kids they dont scare me#and in early childhood ed theres always like at least a para or two#in the older grades im lucky if theres one para but today there were none#all day. goooood im tired
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god. not to be sad online. but im sad online
#um. sorry i went on a really really long rant abt my emotions in the tags. hehehoho im sad!#im just like. there's no way im getting older. i feel like i haven't changed since i was 14 and i feel so disconnected from everything#my birthday is in like 3 weeks but i keep thinking im turning 15 or 16 again and i'll be able to live my teenage years again and#do it right this time or something but no! that's not how that works! obviously!#when my best friend turned 18 she immediately started saying ''im an adult im different im older'' but like#i think about how i'll be 18 soon and im just scared and im going to be holding onto teenage years and#fantasies about them that will never happen and it's just exhausting#i know i sound like such a dramatic teenager but i AM a dramatic teenager!#i had so much shit happen to me that made me lose out on so much of being a teenager and it's like#crushing that i'll never get those years back and other peoples choices ruined my life before i had a chance to have much of one#and i've missed out on so many experiences that all my friends got and i feel such a barrier between me and other people#for that reason and i also feel a disconnect between me and literally everybody i know#and making friends is literally impossible for me anymore and i just feel like i keep losing friends and one day i'll wake up and#i won't have anyone anymore. and i find it hard to talk to people who were my best friends for awhile and i just fall deeper into this#pit of loneliness every day and there's nothing i can do so i just give up. i dunno#im so tired and im just so so lonely and done with. existing#and im also never anybody's first choice which is always annoying but#and it's just.... heartbreaking to think about how my best friend will never choose me when her other best friend is there and#how when we all hang out they're both actually mean to me and there's just nothing i can do other than text my mom and cry#and it makes me doubt how much she cares if she gets that way so easily y'know?#ugh it's all juvenile problems but they just weigh so heavily on me :/#okay enough oversharing online for the night im going to sleep now. then tomorrow i'll just#have the same thoughts and it'll only get worse
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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hate my autistic mind who always just wants to spend time with two people but i feel like i’m bothering them so i don’t ask them and thus i feel lonley af
#i have friends. i can make plans with them but....... theyre not The Friends right now#i want someone who vibes with me who actually would like to spend time togheter..........#i either feel like people take too much energy ffor me or yeah........#hate how my mind works. and ive always been this way and it have caused problems so i have develped an behaviour#to avoid having people get annoyed and tired of me. which is i barely at all approach them to talk first or ask to make plans#thus im so fucking lonley instead like ah. yeah i solved the problems for others but my god i'd want to spend time with my people#its stupid and i feel so BAD just asking to hang out like..... they dont want to? they'll say no. but then i'd get so anxious about asking#again so im like ..... hmmm...........#maybe i should fuck aorund and ask.... mmmm..... idk. i feel like i cant see anyone wanting to spend time with me#miranda talking shit#it just strucvk me im probably feeling this down now is bc my period is a few days away and now im like 'aha yeah probably why'#still cant decide if i should bother asking. i feel like a criminal doing it
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I cant keep up with this
#gamer txt.#vent#i guess? thats my intent anyways#im just. so tired all of the time#im stressed to the point of wanting to cry nearly everyday now#and i know thats not good to hold in so i keep telling myself 'ill cry when i get home ill cry when i get home'#as if that isn't multiple hours from then when i wont feel like crying again#when id have to make myself cry#but i cant do that i know how i get it'll go too far and I'll spiral#but i cant keep holding it in#and i cant just cry in the moment because im in public#and it keeps happening. everyday#i get so stressed out and upset and i cant do anything about it#and now theres been a sudden role swap and ill be essentially performing in front of my whole class first thing in the fucking morning#and because im babysitting tonight ill only have 3 more days to work on the sonic plushie#if i have the motivation to work on the sonic plushie#and theres the prelims next month and all my teachers telling me study study study as if ive always been able to do that#as if i have the free time currently to do that#and i just i cant keep doing this i need to stop i need to take a break but im not going to get one and i dont know what to do
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