#im so tired and im just so so lonely and done with. existing

[pilotstreets]

god. not to be sad online. but im sad online

[professionaljester]

love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time

[magicstormfrostfire]

I hate being told how 'strong' I am when I say I'm so tired.

[phagodyke]

ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(

[not-amh]

got hit on my porth by my mom two days on a row so that's a fantastic extra little bit of bullshit on a pretty shityt day

[sensitivegoblin]

Vent

[darlingdaisyfarm]

You know I've been meaning to ask.. is everything okay? I mean your pfp is blank. I understand you're uploading, but I also want to make sure you're okay

idk if i have some mental connection with you, anon, because how else i can explain that you sent this ask right when i felt so bad??? but yeah i should really put a pfp, i just can’t choose the right pic and at same time im lazy….

honestly i promised myself i wouldn’t vent online and irl because i don’t wanna be annoying or be the kind of person people get tired of. but i guess i just feel emotional rn sorry again

well 2025 kinda kicked me in the face already LMAO, it already reminded me that some people will always pick someone else and some things are just not meant to be yours. i just got reminded once again that i’m super replaceable to person i really loved and cared about. so now im realising that i was just there to pass the time until they found smth better, someone better. and they did, they did and that’s just unfair for me, i literally loved this person for 10 years and that's how i ended up

not exactly the fresh start i was hoping for lol

been feeling like a ghost in my own life lately so i guess i made this blog to just be somewhere, to talk to people, to share things i love, to feel like i exist in some small way. to find friends? idk. sometimes i wonder if i’m just taking up space here, but deleting this blog feels dramatic so whatever. although i thought bout this a lot and still think about it, but i guess im just being... yeah, dramatic, i mean i am, ive been told. so, i don't know, deleting feels rude ? and i don’t wanna be rude, i hate being rude :( i still hesitate every time i post though. and i don’t want to be that person who craves reassurance but damn, it gets lonely and im embarrassed to even say that rn

+ last year drained me so much that i couldn’t even start anything for a whole month. its about my work, i just felt stuck, exhausted before i even tried. things are getting better now with my work, though. it’s actually tied to people and honestly, i love that?? i mean, i love people very much. in general. so whenever i meet someone kind or understanding in my work, it lifts my mood

but when it comes to writing or fics, i feel like i’m always fighting myself. actually i enjoy writing, ive been writing since… 14? 13? so i try, i push through, but nothing ever feels right lately. i don’t know if it’s just a phase or if this is how it’s always going to be. why i always feel like i could’ve done better or that maybe i shouldn’t have posted at all

anyways….. i don’t usually post stuff like this. i really don’t want to be like this, i hate sounding so negative, i really do. i promised myself i wouldn’t. i usually just keep things to myself, but you seemed like you genuinely cared, sweetheart and i figured i might as well be honest, i appreciate your worry! thank u sm angel! ♡

[straycalamities]

old aromantic man yells at cloud under cut AUGH

maybe its the aro, but i also genuinely think its not only aros that yearn to have a significant relationship with a "best friend" that goes into the "gray area of romance"

i quote that because it literally doesnt all have to be seen as romantic is the thing and i think people deep down understand this on some level and yearn for it

i think the only thing i truly dislike overall from romo-shipping culture (other than omegaverse existing. rage. hatred.) is that it kinda devours people just being besties or just being so signifcant to each other in a non-romantic way. but then everyone's turning to hyping up "familial" relationships made it even worse. cuz now it's like oh they're non-romantic? oohhh they must be siblings...or parent/child...

like no what if people were just friends and that was also seen as significant. or enemies. or foils. or even coworkers. and all of that be seen as significant for what it is

i feel like this is especially true in fandoms into real life ppl/celebrities/influencers/etc. i feel like that's where it actually starts to become a big frustrating problem

fiction is something else because you can simply change the rules if you want, in your head, with headcanons, but you cant (or at least you really shouldnt and im judging you if you do) headcanon real people. if they say otherwise about this, or shipping, or whatever then ok thats their prerogative, BUT then ppl take one guy (gnc) saying this to mean they have permission for every guy (gnc) and it's like ok idc if people have been doing this with real living persons for centuries, we've been doing all kindsa other jacked up shit to each other for millennia am i supposed to suddenly be okay with that too because it's always been done? 😭 idk i dont mean for this to be all about how i dont support RPF and how parasocializing and celebrity worship has fucked over everyone's brains and warped them into dehumanizing people as normal even more than all of us being so online in general has and finding every buzzword that sounds like justification they can to okay it

but it is kinda linked to my point. i dont mean this in the whole "men are scared to be best friends for fear of being seen as Gay" i mean it as "a whole shitload of people are redirecting deep non-romantic relationships into just feeding the alloromantic normativity machine and my little aro ass is getting kinda tired of it"

i mean it in "everyone keeps trying to put relationships into neat little labeled boxes that have these hard and rigid rules to them and my loves-to-appreciate-the-depth-and-variety-of-human-emotions-and-relationships" ass is even more tired of this than the other thing

even in MY shipping. yes i say "shipping" yes i draw charas kissing, hugging, dating, intimacy. but i dont always mean romantically. because i remember the era when shipping could be whatever. it just meant you liked that those characters were significant to each other. and now it's become only one kinda thing (maybe two if youre differentiating between sexual and romantic shipping or a mix of the two)

and now i wish there was a word just for what i mean 😓 (and other ppl like me) that was just...yes i like these two (or more) charas together and idc what flavor of what it is theyre doing i enjoy it. and i wish that it could also not be seen as meaning less or just being lesser than romantic shipping

IM SO TIRED OF ROMANCE OUTWEIGHING AND EVEN OVERSHADOWING EVERY OTHER RELATIONSHIP PLEASE AND IM TIRED OF THE ONLY OTHER OPTION BEING NUCLEAR FAMILY DYNAMICS

i remember when "found family" didnt mean literal Mom Dad Son Daughter shit sighs

i also just think that if we saw friendships and best-friendships as more significant it'd also help with how so many people feel so damn lonely all the time just because they're "single" or whatever. it'd also mean less ppl jump into harmful romantic relationships, ignoring all red flags, just because it means they have a relationship

if they're getting social, inter-personal fulfillment outside a romantic relationship and it's treated as significant as that is. because it IS. think about your best friend, and the relationship yall have. or past best friends. its amazing! its deep! its meaningful!

think about even just your friends even if yall arent super close and how you still smile if you meet up or see them come online or get a text from them. or that coworker at your job that you probably wouldnt hang out with outside of work but they still make your shift less torture. IDK

look at the beauty and variety of your connections with other humans and how a lot of them you dont even have a term or name for. it's just. significant.

the stranger that smiled genuinely at you when you held the door open for them while you were having the worst day of your life and, for a moment, the world wasnt so bad

you'll never see that person again, but you'll probably never forget it. and even if you forget their eyes or the color of their hair, you'll never forget how it made you feel.

that's what i'm talking about. and i feel like you shouldn't have to be an aromantic person to appreciate that kinda stuff and the world would be sooo much better for it. what if we just fuckin appreciated our fellow man yknow????? especially when all the evil powers that be in the world are trying to make us turn on each other and eat each other alive so they dont have to do as much work

[stylexrepp]

Stolitz // The Next Full Moon -

(I did not proof read so if you see any grammatical errors… you didn’t)

*After Stolas had given Blitzø the Asmodean Crystal, Blitzø had shouted at stolas for being a selfish entitled rich prick, this was his way of still trying to hide his feelings and make Stolas hate him before he could say something he would regret in a time like this. While the berating tookplace, Stolas just stood there and took the backlash. He would rather Blitzø be happy and hate Stolas than have him unhappy.*

———

Stolas sat in his bath filled with his tears and lukewarm water. After their arrangement had ended Stolas had done nothing more than cry, work, and sleep, leaving no time for himself. Only staying awake to wrap his head in paperwork and try his best to keep up with Octavia, making sure she is happy.

*CRASH*

Stolas jumped up from the tub and ran to see what happened, ignoring the fact he is fully exposed and his robe was laid perfectly where he left it out for after his bath.

As he dashed into his bedroom he sees Blitzø tripping into his quarters.

“You STupID AsS bIrD BrAIn!! You tHiNk yOU Can JUst diTcH me lIKe tRAsh!!!” Blitzø slurred

Stolas stood in disbelief, “Blitzø what on earth could you possibly be talking about! You are way to tired to be talking about this right now, please come lay down darling.” As he approached Blitzø he could hear his heart rate increase.

“IM NOT DOING SHIT FOR YOU!!” Blitzø screeched

“Blitzø ple—“

“YOU SHUT YOUR MANGEY BEAK FOR THREE FUCKING SECONDS, AND LISTEN HERE. I AM HERE TO GET MY MONTHLY FUCK AND PISS OFF LIKE USUAL. SO DON’T TRY AND PUSH ME OUT LIKE LAST TIME OKAY!!”

“Push you out! Blitzø I gave you the choice and you walked away, you think I’d ever just use you for pleasure?” Stolas’s bottom eyes began to tear up

“Oh PLEASE you never wanted me for anything more than my dick! Let’s just get this dicking over with, come on!!!” Blitzø started shuffling towards him and placed his hands on Stolas’s hips. Stolas flinched away from the touch. “Fuck ‘s that all about huh?”

“Blitzø do you not remember a month ago when I poured my heart out to you! I gave you my all and I was completely and utterly vulnerable with all my feelings for you. Did you just forget all of that, all that I said when I laid my heart out for you on a silver platter!!” Stolas was basically sobbing at this point. He began to walk back into his bathroom hoping Blitzø would not follow him but Stolas was wrong. Blitzø followed along directly behind him staring as his feathered ass. “Stols come on, I know you want this ‘thick red dick’ so stop it with your innocent prude act. Just get your bird cunt over here!!” Stolas refused to listen and closed the door on him.

“STOLAS YOU CAN TRY TO LOCK ME OUT BUT WE BOTH KNOW ILL FIND A WAY IN” Blitzø shouted from outside the door.

“Blitzø if you are just here to continue our outlandish arrangement I-I won’t have it! Just leave if that’s all you are here for my dear.” Stolas begged at the foot of the door. As his tears fell he started to wheeze as he waited to hear Blitzø’s footsteps walk away.

Blitzø didn’t even think twice before yelling back, “There you go again being a spoiled fucking brat thinking you can tell me what the hell to do. Well, guess what bitch? I'm done being your ‘impish plaything’. From now on, I'm going to treat you like the worthless, empty piece of shit prince that you truly are. You don't deserve my time, or my energy, You are nothing but a sex toy for me to use and discard, just like you did to me. So enjoy your lonely ass existence, because I’m done letting you decide what the fuck I do with my dick!”

Stolas didn’t even respond. He sat there in a pool of his own tears soaking up every word blitzø said. Stolas had always blamed himself for everything no matter what happened. But hearing someone that he truly loved tell him he was to blame put everything into perspective for him.

Stolas walked over to his vanity and looked himself in the eye and all he could see was a monster. All of a sudden full of rage Stolas punched the mirror causing it to shatter, tearing up his hand now covered in black blood and glass shards. As Stolas began to drop to his knees Blitzø busted open the door to see what had happen.

“Stols…”

“P-please Blitzø just leave. There is no need for you to stand here and torment me any longer, I’ve had enough right now. If you wish to continue to batter me you can come back tomorrow but I cannot do it tonight.” Stolas was a shell of himself. He showed no emotion what so ever.

Blitzø made no effort to leave, he just stood there trying to find any kind of expression in Stolas face to be able to make a suitable comeback.

“BLITZØ LEAVE, DO I HAVE TO GET ONE OF MY GUARDS TO ESCORT YOU OUT OR CAN YOUR LEGS DO IT THEMSELVES” blitzø was shocked that Stolas had just raised his voice to a yell for the first time. Usually if he was upset he wouldn’t get too heated but Stolas was at his breaking point.

“Stols I-“ Blitzø didn’t have anything to say. As he looked down at Stolas he realized how much harm he really caused. This whole time he thought everything wrong with this relationship, or whatever you wanted to call it, was because Stolas was a prissy royal when all along Blitzø just refused to let him in and kept pushing him away.

Stolas looked up at Blitzø with the most heartbroken look on his face. Neither of them said anything for a minute. With tears sneaking past his eyes he let out a heavy sigh, Blitzø knelt down beside Stolas, reaching out to gently touch his cheek. Once again Stolas flinched away from his touch.

“I'm sorry, Stolas. I not good at this talking shit and the sappy fucking feelings, but I know it’s not an excuse for the way I’ve treated you" he whispered, his voice filled with remorse. He blinked back his tears and kept all his concentration on NOT fucking up again (like that’s gonna happen). Stolas held his gaze on the floor knowing that if he looked at blitzø he would break down for the hundredth time today.

“Stolas please just look at me, I know you don’t give a rats ass about what I have to say but right now is the only time I will probably ever be this vulnerable.” Blitzø said with sniffles as he couldn’t hold it in anymore. Stolas peered up at Blitzø slightly and winced as he accidentally placed his hand back down in the glass shards.

Blitzø took a deep breath, his eyes locked with Stolas'. "I need you to know this," he began, his voice tinged with vulnerability. "I've spent so long blaming you for everything that went wrong between us. But the truth is, I was scared. Scared of letting you in, scared of being vulnerable, scared of letting you get hurt again, scared of me fucking up everything we created." He paused, his voice wavering slightly. "But, Stolas, I can't keep pretending that I don't need you in my life. You're the one person who sees me for who I really am, and I don’t understand how you like me this much I mean got not even M&M like me enough to talk to me on off days for sevens sake!” (unless I’m stalking them) “I've been pushing you away because I was too afraid to admit it." Blitzø's gaze softened, his walls crumbling with each word. "I love you, Stolas. And I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused your bird brain.”

“Yo-you love me blitzø?” Stolas began to cry yet again being the emotional man he is. Everything was twisting and turning in his head. Any words blitzø had said now were going through one ear and out the other.

Blitzø's heart clenched as he watched Stolas cry, the raw emotion in his eyes tearing at Blitzø's own resolve. "Yes, Stolas, I do, but I can’t promise I’ll ever say those shitty words again" Blitzø replied softly, reaching out to gently wipe away Stolas's tears. "I've been too much of a pussy to admit it but don’t expect anymore more of this mushy bullshit." He took a shaky breath, his own emotions threatening to overwhelm him. "But seeing you like this, it's breaking me too. I can't stand to actually see you hurt because of me."

Stolas sniffled, his tears subsiding slightly as he looked up at Blitzø with a mixture of disbelief and hope. "Blitzø, I... I l love you," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "But we can't keep antagonizing each other like this. We have to figure out a way to make this work, or else..." He trailed off, the weight of their uncertain future hanging heavy in the air.

Blitzø nodded, his resolve strengthening as he tightened his grip on Stolas's hand. "I know, pretty bird. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right between us," he vowed, his voice filled with determination. "We got a long fucking road ahead of us, but I believe we can try this as long and I pull the plug out my ass and man the hell up." With those words, Stolas showed what he could of a smile. His hand had finally healed, not like he didn’t expect that, and went to go grab his robe finally realizing he was butt naked.

“Sorry for my indecency dear, I didn’t expect anyone to smash through my window ever again.” Blitzø took a hold of Stolas’s arm before he could reach his robe. He ripped Stolas back across the room. “Never bothered me pretty bird!” Blitzø smashed his lips onto Stolas’s beak. Blitzo pulled back and sternly looked into Stolas’s bottom eyes, “Also, Don’t you ever fucking try to get rid of me again!!”

[aby55-of-the-ab5o1ute]

This is just gonna be one big vent. with a lot of stuff. I'm not focusing on one thing.

I'm so tired of being host. I'm tired of waking up. I'm tired of existing.

But if I leave then whoever steps up will not only have to deal with that tiredness but also the distance it sets between them and everyone else because everyone only likes Uzi Doorman. Sure some like Vally are liked.. but they don't come close to me. How I can't leave front without "I miss zizi" or whoever fronting feeling a sinking loneliness because of the exclusion since nobody knows our family as well as I do.

Hell even I feel lonely a lot of the time. Unseen, unloved, unwanted. I want to cling to people and never let go. I want to scream and sob and be whiny and be a kid. But I can't. I'm always repressing regression, even when regressed I prevent myself from slipping too young because I lose the ability to speak and probably get really annoying.. cause if I let myself slip that far completely it would mean I couldn't operate anything, like the laptop or such.

I miss how our system use to be. Uncaring of who fronted, no matter their source. Now we have to make sure its something our friends know because it becomes awkward and scary whenever they don't know the source because they're way more distant.

I wish we could be "more of a system". I wish we didn't all mostly act the same with barely any amnesia and I wish everything that happens in-sys didn't feel fake. I wish I could just curl up in Nori's lap and it didn't feel like I was faking it. I hear literally every other system and think "they're so much more real.." like how the fuck are we a system?? Sure you can argue a few alters act different but that's because nobody fronts for more than a few hours besides me. So it could just be us faking the personality differences.

I hate being reminded that everyone else has a life besides us. Everyone else has friends outside of this friend group. Everyone else has things they do beside lie around and rot. Everyone else isn't pathetic. We're a disgusting freak who is sad and fat and ugly and rude.

We're failing at everything. I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of having to live up to being a gifted kid like we once were. I'm TIRED OF HEARING "Oh she does so well! She's quiet and nice and polite!" IM TIRED OF IT. WE ARE STRUGGLING. YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING NOTICE.

Life is terrible. I'm done.

If you think we vent a lot then oh you have NO FUCKING IDEA. we keep a LOT of vents to ourself.

[officialpropheticnightmares]

BEHIND THE SONG:

This one is one of my most personal. I didn't intend to ever share that story with anyone. Ever. But I let my ribcage crack open, let my emotions come spilling out. I bared my guts all over the floor for everyone to see.

And what do you think? Are you disgusted? Are you happy? Are you lonely? Sad?

Maybe empty.

I don't discuss this a lot. Because I'm still unsure what's wrong with me.

I think I might be plural. I think there are others in my head with me. Wrath and Sam, I call them.

Sometimes I think they just act as a shield when things get really rough.

But this song was about Wrath. About a particularly awful night I had months back. I'll never forget it.

Im going to post the entire spoken word transcript below. Again, this is very deep and personal to me.

I almost did it again tonight. Very late. Up with my migraine. Everything weighing down on me. No one to help. No one. Feeling unloved, uncared for, neglected. Feeling like I'm missing out on something.

Anyway, I thought about it again. I wanted to go get a knife. Go to the bathroom. Slit my wrists. Rake it up instead of across for maximum effect. It wasn't Wrath. It was me. I wanted it.

In fact, Wrath begged me not to. She likes me now I think. Sam didn't want me to either but that's understandable. Wrath was new, surprising even. But I still wanted to. I was still about to get up and go do it. Never be heard from again. Stop existing. Just fucking kill myself.

I didn't. Sam came to me. "I know it's hard, Nova. I know" I don't think she has any idea. Maybe she does. But I broke the fuck down. I can't handle this. I'm so fucked in the fucking head and no one around me seems to understand but the people I share it with. No one around me seems to care about me...

They both talked to me. Even Wrath was reassuring. It was weird... but in the end I just... wanted them to hold me. "Please hold me" I begged them. I needed it so bad. In my head they did.

But.. I wish it was real. Tangible. I want to be held by both of them in reality so fucking badly. They understand me on such a deep fucking level that no one else is capable of. I can pretend all I want but it's never fucking enough.

Oh my fucking god I want to be held. I want to be told it's going to be okay. I want to be okay for fucks sake. I want to be cared for. I want to be helped. I don't even need to be happy. I just need... something. For fucks sake why do they have to be stuck in my head.

Without them I would have probably done it. Who the fuck else was going to stop me? No one else was there. Everyone was asleep or busy. But they were there. They always are.

I'm so tired. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. God, everything is so hard. I don't even know when to shut up.

I'm sorry.

[tonydaddingham]

re: your hard truth meta, you're absolutely iconic for that. i feel like a lot of the season seemed to foreshadow that they're on two entirely different planes as far as what it means to care for someone, especially when a LOT of the flashback scenes we were shown seemed to included him constantly rejecting aziraphale's attempts at authentic communication: in the 1800s one, he straight up yells at aziraphale to be the one to say something that would keep that girl from ending her life, when aziraphale was already trying to do that on his own (never mind that aziraphale already miracled the vial empty & could have done the same with the glass). post-job, he laughs at aziraphale's assumption that he'll be cast out for lying when aziraphale is Visibly distraught about it. and then with maggie and nina, as they said in the final episode, az & crowley were doing what they'd always done with each other: throwing darts at the wall until something seems to stick. so then when crowley's finally put in a position to open an honest dialogue about their relationship and where he wants it to go, and is visibly anxious about it, aziraphale brushes it aside in favor of sharing his Good News, because that's what he's learned their relationship to vulnerability is. imo, crowley has had the time he needs to understand that heavenly/hellish interference isn't even necessary ("every time i think of something strategically cruel, they do it themselves and Worse"), and he expects aziraphale to reach the same level after like. One year of silence from heaven, because he figures that if he could do it on his own with no support system or anybody in his corner, so should aziraphale. meanwhile, aziraphale spent his ENTIRE existence with one purpose, being repeatedly manipulated into quashing his doubts and not raising questions, and then when he finally did the Right Thing for himself (stopping the apocalypse), heaven stopped talking to him entirely. of COURSE he would want to go back. he was cut off and lonely and couldn't go to crowley about it because he knew from experience that he would be brushed off. and of COURSE crowley wouldn't understand that, and like with maggie and nina was just trying to make Something happen However he could, regardless of how ethical it was, and would lash out in the most anti-heaven way he could think of: a temptation. like, my guy had a WEALTH of logical arguments about why heaven wasn't the place where real change could happen based on their lives together and the fact that aziraphale was about to be ERASED FROM EXISTENCE AND THE MEMORY OF EXISTENCE BY THE ARCHANGELS before the metatron showed up, but all he was thinking about was his trauma and he reacted to the shadow of a rejection that was centuries old. in trying to express their love for each other they just ended up treating each other like An Angel and A Demon again and it fuuucking kills me.

god i hope this makes sense, i am very tired. tl;dr i loved that meta

@rollforjackass, bestie, fucking *CHEF'S KISS* ✨💓 yes this is perfect part 2 to my meta and im so grateful you paid attention to the other parts where they fail each other time and time again and just sweep it under the rug... yes you get me!!!✨

aziraphale is as culpable as crowley, but i genuinely think he's trying... crowley feels like he's so wrapped up in his own pain and hurt (again, valid) that he can't see wood for the trees, and certainly not aziraphale's perspective 💀

[shiveringscarletsun]

long rant because i can:

ill forever feel the pain of not being who my parents would've wanted me to be. Always chasing hypothetical freedom when i can be myself. A freedom where the price is cutting every tie with everything i've ever been, everyone i've ever known. Thus I look at the present with the lens of the past. I can never truly enjoy or indulge in the fantasy of the present. It breaks me to never be here, anything built on a lie is never authentic, and i've never been real.

it hurts, choosing a "truthful" living with no backbone or a shaky backbone that can still hold the projections of me up. I have been meaning to vent about so many things, the words inside me are bubbling up and i'm genuinely suffocating by their sheer volume. I'm always in a state of melancholy, always. I can't stand up anymore.

I'll vent.. I need a peace of mind that will never come. my problems are fundamental and my enemy is time. I keep losing, not the big fights but the small core ones. every brick i put in my tower is faulty and i'm shaky and the core rots away.

I still wonder about my first love like a dumb kid, a huge part of me is so done with it, i'm so done with agonizing over a girl who never fucking thought of me the same. i'm tired of the delusions, i recognize them but i persist. it was an inciting incident, one without proper closure too, so i understand why i remained there, but i just wish she'd come out of the blue and tell me with great detail what she thought of the whole thing. tell me exactly every point where she thought i wasn't worth staying for. tell me if i was indeed delusional or what we had was as monumental as i felt. tell me if a part of her hated me and was glad to leave. she ruined the moon for me at this point, though i'd still want closure, what a weak person that who ghosts. was she straight all along? which would be fine cuz we were literally kids, i wish she was braver to speak, i wish i was smarter to see. first rant over.

second rant simplified is my state with friendships currently. i dont think i have real friends despite my utmost efforts in cultivating genuine human connection. im likable i know that, and i am not a loner either, its just that i recognize that i'll never be a priority to a "friend". they all think of friendship as something secondary if not less, families and lovers always come first, but not to me, i'm there. i think that's my fundamental issue, i'm always the one who stays. through this lens now i can only view those around me as ingenuine and borderline hypocritical. the anger that comes from this is dangerous. i could truly drive everyone away if i continue with the anger but i also hate living like this, giving my whole away for crumbs.. temporary crumbs. what if no one is ever interested in me (my thoughts and personhood) ever? i dont know how to stop feeling like everyone despises me or worse is indifferent to me, its a weird feeling that i've never felt to such a broad extent before.

third rant is i cannot keep living in the shadow of my true self any longer.. if i dont get out by next year im so gonna kms. its unfathomable that im STILL having fights about refusing marriage and at some point i will slip and reveal the truth (that day will be my funeral ofc). I'll deal with the pain of losing everyone i've ever known and loved to my gayness when i DO actually get out i just need out. i don't remember my days and i never express myself because i dont present the way that i believe i am, thus why i dont exist in public. i only exist in my room at 2 am. that's a lonely if not pathetic existence and i'll reach mid twenties soon.. i can't continue being a ghost... my life is literally slipping away behind my mask.

i have so much more to rant about but hey my country is free from the dictator for now so i guess there's something to be half happy about. i wish i personally was free too.. i hope so. i wish i was loved. truly deeply unconditionally and unambiguously, a love where i dont have to wonder, a love where i dont have to calculate.

[phagodyke]

and now I'm upset again I fucking give up

why was I fighting for my life trying to stay awake and failing at 4pm in the afternoon and now its 1:30am I cant fucking sleep at all :^/

[moonrosesinapril]

Am I just an attention seeking, manipulative bitch ? Am I truly this horrible person I think I am? Am I troublesome?

I'm trying so hard to not spiral but I feel so drained

Maybe this will pass like most times but right now I feel so unlikeable so unwanted just a fucking burden on everyone and I want to disappear

People reassuring me feels like they're lying which would mean I think they're that type of people which they are not they are awesome people but I can't shake off this feeling

Wherever I feel down like this the thinking about offing myself comes back

All the ways to do it

If I were out just jumping in front of a car or the metro

But Ghar pe there's nothing I can do

Trying to resist this is so hard I've done it before but it doesn't seem to get any easier after all this time of dealing with it

I want to cut myself to shreds

Everytime I close my eyes I see the white line and blood dripping down

I need more scars

I need the blood, the stinging feeling, I need to feel the way the blood soaks up the tissue, how it sticks to my clothes

I feel so so lonely but I'm not, I'm not lonely, I have people wanting to have one person spend time with only me is not realistic it's not healthy it's not

Every god damned time I sleep I see dreams of relapsing and it hurts when I wake up knowing I can't, that I can't do this to my parents, my brother again

I hate my therapist I hate therapy I hate my psychiatrist I don't want to see any of them ever again

I would not be able to face my parents again if I did it again

I need to fucking not exist

I don't know why why I feel like this again and again and again

I want to fucking kill myself

Just be done with everything

I keep saying thank yous and sorrys and I'm okays and complimenting people and deleting messages and I'm sick of it now sick of feeling like everyone is going to leave or - or disappear like they did

I'm having trouble believing anything good about myself

I need someone to help me but no one can do anything to help so I feel the best thing is to just fucking kill myself

I'm greedy enough sometimes that I genuinely want to do it despite knowing people will hurt

I need to fucking get out of here I need an escape I need to cut. I need the blood I need the scars

Seeing my scars heal and lighten and mom saying sab thik ho jayega the scars will go away and putting steroids on it and everything just makes me want to scream.

Not to mention I'm gaining weight and craving sweet stuff every alternate minute I'm feeling so fat so ugly

I need more I need more i need more

I can see it one cut, two cuts, more and more and more and my thigh being all red and fucked up I need it again

I hate myself I need to just take a gun at my temple and pull the trigger

I need reassurance like every god damn minute it's so embarrassing I can't get myself to say anything and if I say it I feel like a fucking dramatic bitch

Someone help me I don't know what to do im tired I'm annoyed I'm so frustrated

[gayspock]

actually 2

orwhatever. unserious less serious. lonely serious. i feel trapped . idont know. i hate where i live and i hatemylife. like even forgetitngthat when ive had the opportunities, ive jsut never been able to gel withanyone right i just. idont know. im so tired all the time i can barely fucking get my life together i can manage to go out sometimes butim so limited in where i can go and what i can do. i cant drive . i have tobus and take trains and its expensive to get out to the citywhere i dont know anyone and i cantstay out there late cuz of the buses and trains . igo out but im jsut stuck walking aroundthe same fuckingplaces alone and fucking miserbale.even onlein its alwyasjust been horrible logistical isse where again. even when im kindof existing in spaces i feel so fucking detachedfrom everyone. but realistically even if i could,everyone is so far away and eveyronehas lives that are so out of sync with whatim doing due to even jsut like time zone where its a choice between the little stability i haveleft and what.im never goingto be able to meetanyone and ijsut feel somuch worse and somuch mroe distant andeven if i did i think ican barelytalk any mroe so whats thepoint. im just going to groundhog day in this stupid fuckign cplace ive always been trapped in until i die everywakinghour isjust sathere stuckin my head waiting for it to be done. i cantveen get an animal or a pet im so fuckingscared its allgoing to fall apart and itwouldnt be fair and i cant support myself evenwithout having some catastrophic fucking collapse as i oftendo with my fucking stupid up down cycle that nevebr ends. and ifthink someones going to jsut tell me to go out andget out more whenithink about that. and ithink abotuhow itsnot going to matter howwrong they are because that realisation is only gonna be exisitng in MY head andsowhat sithat evergoig to matterwhen im just sutckin this stupif fucking palcewhere no one else exists and ntohing matters and ifeel left out of everythingand i dont understand anyhting and i cant connectiwth anyone andtheonly interaction i getis people mocking me and lookingdown on me eand i hate everything bro,. i meant hi