#im so tired and im just so so lonely and done with. existing
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god. not to be sad online. but im sad online
#um. sorry i went on a really really long rant abt my emotions in the tags. hehehoho im sad!#im just like. there's no way im getting older. i feel like i haven't changed since i was 14 and i feel so disconnected from everything#my birthday is in like 3 weeks but i keep thinking im turning 15 or 16 again and i'll be able to live my teenage years again and#do it right this time or something but no! that's not how that works! obviously!#when my best friend turned 18 she immediately started saying ''im an adult im different im older'' but like#i think about how i'll be 18 soon and im just scared and im going to be holding onto teenage years and#fantasies about them that will never happen and it's just exhausting#i know i sound like such a dramatic teenager but i AM a dramatic teenager!#i had so much shit happen to me that made me lose out on so much of being a teenager and it's like#crushing that i'll never get those years back and other peoples choices ruined my life before i had a chance to have much of one#and i've missed out on so many experiences that all my friends got and i feel such a barrier between me and other people#for that reason and i also feel a disconnect between me and literally everybody i know#and making friends is literally impossible for me anymore and i just feel like i keep losing friends and one day i'll wake up and#i won't have anyone anymore. and i find it hard to talk to people who were my best friends for awhile and i just fall deeper into this#pit of loneliness every day and there's nothing i can do so i just give up. i dunno#im so tired and im just so so lonely and done with. existing#and im also never anybody's first choice which is always annoying but#and it's just.... heartbreaking to think about how my best friend will never choose me when her other best friend is there and#how when we all hang out they're both actually mean to me and there's just nothing i can do other than text my mom and cry#and it makes me doubt how much she cares if she gets that way so easily y'know?#ugh it's all juvenile problems but they just weigh so heavily on me :/#okay enough oversharing online for the night im going to sleep now. then tomorrow i'll just#have the same thoughts and it'll only get worse
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love my bad mental health, love being suicidal all the time
#abc shut it#im tired of fighting it and trying to participate in life when it feels like i dont exist#love being lonely and then being told its due to my bad mental health so i pretend it doesnt affect me and i try and be myself#and no one likes me and i dont exist unless i remind people im a person so its kinda like#at a point where its not just suicidal ideation#its just a situation of /when/ and not if haha#ive been alive for 26 years and 20 of those have been exhausting as hell im ready to be done#exhausting and lonely and isolating im sick of it#i try and i try and my life doesnt get better or anymore worth living#and when i vent abt it i get told i need to try harder and im not trying at all and i need to stop being so depressed#its hard to not be depressed when the universe gives everyone around me a better experiences than me#i feel like im screaming that im here please pay attention#and nothing#i talk and my voice gets ignored or i get talked over#i post online to try and start conversations or make friends and i just get ignored#like do i exist at all to anyone else but myself#im trying to reach out and make friends but none of the ppl i wanna make friends with seem interested in having a conversation with me#i add all these people to discord and message them all the time#but nothing gets passed me sending them messages no one ever fucking messages me first#it feels like no one thinks about me and i dont matter#literally no one gives a fuck what i have to say#or anytime i talked im corrected on SOMETHING i say or i get a belittled in response#i cant do this shit anymore i cant#no one gives a shit about what i have to say and its really coming across that no one likes me#bc if my friends cant text me first or respond to my messages at all#why am i in the wrong feeling like im alone and have no friends when im the only one reaching out ever if i wanna have a conversation#and when i do feel like im allowed to talk i just talk and talk and talk and know the people dont give a shit abt what i have to say#i jsut feel like im here to be talked at and do things for other people and nothing more#that whenever i have an emotion its wrong and i need to bottle it up#and i dont eve get a chance to learn how to manage my emotions bc it feels like im going to get scolded or belittled for feeling things
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I hate being told how 'strong' I am when I say I'm so tired.
#i know the whole 'black women strong' thing is yknow a thing#but im tired of being 'strong' im tired of 'enduring' and nobody takes me seriously#all ive done all my life is endure and tolerate#I literally hate being alive. i hate being told 'youre too strong to cave' 'youre too smart to do anything bad'#I cannot stress how badly I would throw away my entire life just to belong to someone and not have to worry about it all anymore#like all i want is to either not be alive or to belong to someone to the point I dont have to think about anything anymore#that sound bad but I literally do not care. I would kill for someone to pat my head and wait for them to come home like a lonely puppy#im so tired of being a human when my existence is pain.#the worst thing you can tell a person who is tired of struggling is how good they are at struggling and to keep struggling
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ahh.. I have tickets for a small music festival tmr which I went to last year + had a whale of a time but this year theres only like 2 artists I wanted to see but they released the schedule a couple days ago and neither are playing before 9:30pm. since I don't live local anymore I'd have to leave to travel back home around that time or I'd miss the last train... and there's not rly anywhere I can crash overnight there (and I was planning on going alone anyway like I did last year). so I think im gonna have to let this one pass me by :-(
#its not the end of the world like theyre not artists i LOVE love just ones i know and like a few tracks of#last year i had so much fun bc one of the artists there was an all time fave of mine. but yeah im not missing out on that this year#but its still a shame. i miss living there and being able to walk to gigs to easily like the music scene was so up my street!!#and i was kind of looking forward to it. but i shouldve planned it further in advance if i was serious abt going#i just didnt think theyd BOTH play so late???? i swear they had an earlier schedule last year#i guess i could just go and mill around some of the shows earlier in the day even tho ive skimmed most of them on spotify and theyre-#not rly my thing. sigh#im v tired + starting to feel quite sad this evening for some specific reasons i dont really want to think much about bc it is what it is#so its hard to imagine going out and having fun tomorrow. maybe ill just aim to get my chores done instead and see how i feel after that#i might fix my bike up and check the other local climbing gym out bc i havent visited that one before and itd be nice to mix it up#and i need to go out on the bike at some point this weekend so i dont build up anxiety abt it after yesterdays crash. hmm#man. its hard trying to do things solely for my own enjoyment sometimes. im usually pretty ok at making myself do it#and im grateful that i am! but i think im just feeling quite lonely. and not in a way where being around other people rly helps#like its more of a core thing. i feel kind of unseen by people in my life at the moment and that makes me feel like im not quite real#and i dont really know what to do about that. i think its why im still on my discord hiatus i just dont really have anything to say rn#ive felt this intermittently throughout a lot my life i think. but most of the time i can distract myself from it enough not to notice it#and i put the effort in socially regardless + usually when im in the moment it doesnt matter. but the stretches inbetween those moments..#its not unbearable and i dont feel that depressed at the moment either. just a bit lost i guess. i know itll pass eventually#but yeah it just keeps nudging up against me bc im feeling every little misunderstanding and slight quite keenly atm#ahh.. well its okay. ive never really needed much anyway im good at taking care of myself and thats enough to get by#ill do something nice for myself this weekend one way or another. im gonna go take a long shower rn i think and then read a bit#ah and i said i didn't rly want to think about it! but i guess i did... well i feel like i exist a little more for typing it out anyway#okay yes shower time now :-)#.diaries#maybe someday ill have ppl in my everyday life who i do feel seen + safe around. a girl can dream.. i have a lot of work to do before then
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got hit on my porth by my mom two days on a row so that's a fantastic extra little bit of bullshit on a pretty shityt day
#im getting drunk tonight idek w what i just want to pass out and stop existing for a couple of days#im so tired and so sad and so lonely and im Done.
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Vent
#it's just a painful existence#im such a fucking loser I can't do anything right#I gotta fuckin do it im so tired of living nothing ever goes right and im so so lonely#im so lonely it hurts#and my head is so fucked yo I can never hear God when I pray to him#I just wanna get to heaven and my cat and my rat already im done#im done this stupid game I can't take it
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❝ [don't you know i want you so bad?] ¡! ❞
requested? yes, for 🦆 anon !
contains: park jihoon x fem!reader; enemies to lovers!au, fake relationship!au; smut, teeny bit of angst ig, some fluff; make out, fingering, teasing?? griding/dry humping, slight marking, begging if you squint???, unprotected piv (yall better wrap it up), nipple play, implied round two ig; lmk if i missed anything
words: approx. 2.8k
a/n: im not gonna even pretend i live atp but i hope you will enjoy this one. yes, it is rushed, not finished, but i still think it looks decent. lemme know ur thoughts on this one bcuz i love feedback <3 masterlist here
AS A NUMBER ONE PARK JIHOON HATER, YOU HAD NO IDEA WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAW IN HIM THAT MADE THEM ADORE HIM. HE WAS HANDSOME INDEED, BUT BESIDES THAT, HIS ONE HELL OF EXISTENCE WAS ENOUGH TO BRING YOU TO MADNESS. JUST HIS PRESENCE MADE YOUR BLOOD BOIL.
being neighbors with such someone who dared to call itself “human” was tough. seeing him a lot of times, happy and unbothered by the fact he ruined your dreams, definitely didn’t help in developing positive feelings towards that idiot. in fact, keeping those grudges inside as fuel for your hatred felt therapeutic. and it longed all the way from your childhood to adulthood.
you hoped for him to finally leave your life. it didn’t really matter in what way, you just wanted to never see him again. so why did you look out the window every time he was passing by?
saying these feelings were mutual would be a lie. but jihoon would never let you know that.
“what do you want?” you asked, seeing him by your door again that day. “i don’t have any money. i wouldn’t lend you it anyway.”
“what do i want? to not suffer anymore, i guess. and to live a peaceful life with someone.”
“okay?” looking at him, confused, you reached out for the doorknob to close the door and end this meaningless conversation.
“can i come in?”
“why?” now that was sus. jihoon’s tone got a bit more serious, even tired. he always seemed to be full of energy, confident, and untroubled. so what was going on?
“i need to talk to you. in private.”
still staring at him from under your furrowed brows, after a moment of hesitation, you let him inside. as he took off his shoes and went inside the living room, you decided to make some tea. from his tone, it seemed it will be a tough conversation.
and oh boi, was it one hell of a confusing ride. for you, at least.
“so, to conclude,” you started after a moment of silence. “you want me to act as your girlfriend? you know i hate you with all my heart, right? and the fact that i could murder you right here, right now is incredibly possible?”
“but you listened to me, so i don’t think it is that possible.”
“get out.” shaking your head at his words, you got up from the couch, ready to mind your own business.
“let me know when you’ll think it through,” jihoon said softly, looking at you with a smile. oh, you wanted to punch him so badly, but he left before you could even form your hand into a fist. dang, now it felt kind of lonely in here.
“damn you, park jihoon!”
a few days have passed by and these were the calmest and the quietest days of your life. no one was bothering you, no one was bickering with you, and no one actually talked to you. at first, you enjoyed that silence. you managed to get some work done and sleep better. though with almost no time, it started to feel lonely. almost like you don’t matter that much to people. especially to that one person.
“if you really have no balls to admit you are as lonely as a stick, then fine.”
you had no idea why you still had jihoon’s number on your phone. heck, you had no idea why you even got it in the first place, but now it was convenient. you had to battle yourself whether to call or say it in person. surprisingly, agreement to his plan came to your head without much hesitation, but you thought nothing of it. the fact that you could toy with him and maybe get a small revenge was motivating.
although you thought of it as a sort of revenge (and that you already got a plan for how to do it), at the same time it just felt wrong. you had no idea why, but using his feelings like that seemed to be brutal, even for you.
jihoon came by the next day to talk through all the details of this plan, and boi, was it one heck of a plan.
“wait, hold on, i have to write it all down,” you interrupted him, trying to process all the information he bombed you with. as you got up from your seat to look for some kind of a notebook, his hand stopped you from doing so.
“don’t, or else it won’t feel natural. what if anyone finds these notes, huh?” the worries and desperation in his tone were crystal clear; this whole situation really must’ve been important as hell. and it was actually sus.
“fine, but don’t come for me when i mess something up.”
“i’m pretty sure you won’t.”
the urge to say “eh?” was too big, but in the end, you just ignored his words. you got back on the topic, and the explanations began again.
the most suspicious thing in all of it was that he chose you. every time you asked him why it must be you, he managed to change the topic, smoothly avoiding answering your questions. since he loved to rile you up and make your blood boil just for funsies, him getting so serious about a fake relationship with you especially just wasn’t adding up. too many loose ends in his reasoning, but all of them were covered flawlessly. apparently, all you had to do was just sit, look pretty (or at least alive), and play along.
what was even more surprising, was the way you didn’t even think about screwing the whole situation up. well, almost. at first, a few times the urge to say “it’s a prank” was too big to handle, but in the end, none of this happened. you really could pat yourself on the back for the way you kept yourself in place, which was tough around park jihoon himself.
the worst thing in that fake relationship was skinship and intimacy in general. yeah, you had a few boyfriends before, but dang it, around jihoon it felt so... weird. weird as in good, and that was why it felt weird. it was park jihoon, you were supposed to hate him, not leaning in for a kiss! what the fuck!
still, what kept you sane through all this acting was the thought of flipping it all against him one day. someday. though with every next day, every next move of his, every next nice and gentle act from him, this first thought managed to fade away, getting replaced by some sort of yearning. yearning for this act to be real.
it all felt some sort of... illegal. illegal as in a way of betraying yourself. illegal as in a way of “you shouldn’t be doing this” and “that is not how you were raised” way. though everyone around seemed to be happy about this magnificent act, you weren’t so sure and so happy about it. but how not lean into this act when it felt so good? when it felt like you were finally yourself? and when it felt like you actually had someone by your side? when it didn’t feel so lonely?
“what’s going on, sweetheart?”
“don’t call me that when there’s no one around. no one is watching.” you snapped back almost immediately, as in a way of punishment for this cute nickname. getting back on track, you came back to chopping carrots. the dinner won’t make itself, and since this piece of rotten flesh is around, you had to busy your hands with something.
“but it rolls so nicely out of the tongue,” jihoon whined, pouting and finally moving around so you won’t see his painfully handsome face. “but fine, if you don’t want, i won’t.”
all you heard in your head was the windows xp error sound right now. wait a damn minute, did he actually respect your boundaries outside the act? what was happening to him?
noticing how you stopped every movement, even breathing, you came back to your body and continued with your life. taking a sharp breath, you chopped those carrots like your life depended on it.
jihoon was silent. way too silent. why? because he was thinking as well. even thinking too much. should he tell you? should he ask? but what if you just laugh it off? or make fun of him? will he lose his face when he’ll do that?
“here. have this.”
dang it, he was thinking so long you managed to make a whole dinner already! wait, what? did you really want him to taste the dish? what was going on?
the food came into the equation here, so he didn’t think much of it, he just took the full spoon in his mouth. seeing how your face brightened up because of his approval made these butterflies in his stomach fly up high again. just what you were thinking, acting like that? you wanted him? to fall in love with you? like he hadn’t already did?
“stop looking at me like that or i’ll seriously think you fell for me.”
“what if i already did?”
it was supposed to be a funny question. it was supposed to be a joke. but this damned park jihoon was serious, you could tell that without looking at him. you breathed in sharply again. that just couldn’t be real.
“then that would be far from what i agreed on.” somehow, when you said that, you felt something aching in your chest. was it your heart? is that how a broken heart feels? but you didn’t have what to be heartbroken over, it was all just a mirage.
the silence longed and longed for what felt like an eternity. finally, you heard the chair moving. you knew he was going to leave. everyone did, sooner or later. maybe you just weren’t made for-
“well, i don’t know if you know, but it is not like i can control my feelings.” jihoon started, standing right beside you, leaning by the kitchen counter. “whether you agreed on me falling for you or not, it just happened and i’m not gonna keep it inside anymore. i fucking fell for you, sweetheart. so much.”
“and you want me to believe it? you want me to believe that sweet talk after all that acting, after that mirage full of such words? how can i know it’s not a play?”
“because none of that was a play. or at least not for me.”
wait, what? hold on, what?
“so you’re saying this whole fake relationship was supposed to be real?” you asked after connecting those few dots in your mind.
“sort of. i just wanted you to finally stop fighting with me. and maybe see that i’m not that bad.”
oh, boi. that was a rollercoaster indeed. thankfully the dinner was already done because you couldn’t think about it and about what jihoon was saying.
“i should go, right?” after what seemed to be a disappointed sigh, jihoon slowly moved towards the door. what was he thinking, saying all that? what was he thinking in the first place, when he came up with the fake relationship idea?
“don’t.”
you couldn’t bear the possibility he would leave you. you didn’t know if you just got used to his presence in your life or what, but it felt different, more likely to live with him around. you just simply couldn’t let him go.
there was a lot to talk indeed. and you two did while eating the dinner that slowly started getting cold. it was getting late and you still didn’t want him to leave.
“please, stay.” you said quietly, turning away from him since you were unable to look him in the face while admitting to feeling lonely. it was almost like admitting being defeated. and you hated getting defeated, especially by park jihoon, that little fuck.
“aww, my little baby wants me to stay with her? alright then.” he chuckled, but after he said that, he left a small peck on your head.
it really felt nice having someone by your side, even if that someone was able to tease the living shit out of you so casually.
“what’s that? my little sweetheart can’t wait a bit?”
“no. touch me already.” you actually demanded, breathless from the passionate kisses you two shared. jihoon chuckled again, much to your discontent. so you grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him closer.
your lips met his again. seeing you so desperate for him made jihoon smile cheekily in between the kisses, but he finally touched you, just as you wanted. in the end, who was he to disobey his sweetheart?
with one of his hands, jihoon pushed you even closer to him, and the little moan that escaped your mouth sent shivers down his spine. wandering with the same hand under your shirt, the other one held your thigh, squeezing it from time to time.
with you on his lap, so desperate for his touch, jihoon just couldn’t help but smile. the sight of you slowly getting ruined by him really affected his mind and body.
“you’re so gorgeous, sweetheart.” he stated so out of the blue, but you didn’t really think much of it. you just wanted to feel him.
“mm-hmm. now kiss me more.”
again, smiling cheekily, jihoon tasted your sweet lips. with his hands under your shirt, he managed to undo your bra, which he then took off both with your shirt. the cold air of the room caused you to shiver a bit, but then feeling the warm hands of your boyfriend made it all better.
while his hands roamed around your body, yours moved from the collar of his shirt to his hair, pulling on the strands from time to time, causing some breathless moans from the man under you. acting almost instinctively, your hips slowly started moving, grinding on the still-clothed length of your boyfriend.
“you seriously can’t wait anymore, right, sweetheart?” jihoon asked after a short laugh, and you only shook your head. he laughed again before kissing you, moving his hand to your front clothed only with slowly soaking panties. “you’re so wet already. are you so impatient for me?”
you nodded, wanting him to finally take proper care of you. seeing his confident smile caused you to move again, this time grinding on his fingers lightly touching your core through the cotton material.
“please, jihoon-“ mumbling out, you tried to form the next part of the sentence, but you failed the moment he moved the panties to the side and slid one of his fingers inside you. as you moaned softly at the sensation, jihoon carefully observed every change happening on your face and body.
then, the second finger managed to slide in and you had to bite on your lower lip to not make louder sounds. you threw your head back, happy with a bit full sensation. and when he started moving his fingers, you couldn’t stop yourself anymore and just had to moan softly.
meanwhile, jihoon started trailing his lips from yours to your jawline, neck, and then to your collarbones. everywhere where he could, he just had to leave at least a small mark of his presence. of the fact that he was the one making you feel so good.
“m-more, please-“ quietly mumbling out, you brushed your fingers through jihoon’s hair, pulling on it again. looking at you with lust-filled eyes, he stopped kissing your neck, but only for a while.
“you think you can handle more, sweetheart?”
“mm-hmm.”
with a fast yet burning with lust kiss, jihoon finally lowered his pants, showing what you craved; his dick. you had to refrain yourself with the last bits of self-control from licking your lips at the sight.
“you ready?” after a nod from you, jihoon smiled again, letting you do the rest of the job. as you adjusted yourself and slowly lowered your body, the feeling of being full took all over your body.
with moans and groans, you started moving up and down, and lusty sounds of slapping skin against skin filled the room. your boyfriend again started kissing your shoulder and collarbones, occasionally leaving here and there marks. his favourite spot to nibble on was the one place that made you moan louder and clench around his length. with one hand helping you bounce up and down, the other one massaging your tits, taking your nipple in between his fingers.
you two might’ve been close to your highs, but none of you wanted to stop there. thankfully, the neighbours went on vacation, so no one would eventually complain about the two of you.
#treasure hard hours#treasure smut#yg treasure#treasure kpop#treasure#park jihoon#jihoon#jihoon treasure#jihoon x reader#park jihoon smut#park jihoon x reader#jihoon smut
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Stolitz // The Next Full Moon -
(I did not proof read so if you see any grammatical errors… you didn’t)
*After Stolas had given Blitzø the Asmodean Crystal, Blitzø had shouted at stolas for being a selfish entitled rich prick, this was his way of still trying to hide his feelings and make Stolas hate him before he could say something he would regret in a time like this. While the berating tookplace, Stolas just stood there and took the backlash. He would rather Blitzø be happy and hate Stolas than have him unhappy.*
———
Stolas sat in his bath filled with his tears and lukewarm water. After their arrangement had ended Stolas had done nothing more than cry, work, and sleep, leaving no time for himself. Only staying awake to wrap his head in paperwork and try his best to keep up with Octavia, making sure she is happy.
*CRASH*
Stolas jumped up from the tub and ran to see what happened, ignoring the fact he is fully exposed and his robe was laid perfectly where he left it out for after his bath.
As he dashed into his bedroom he sees Blitzø tripping into his quarters.
“You STupID AsS bIrD BrAIn!! You tHiNk yOU Can JUst diTcH me lIKe tRAsh!!!” Blitzø slurred
Stolas stood in disbelief, “Blitzø what on earth could you possibly be talking about! You are way to tired to be talking about this right now, please come lay down darling.” As he approached Blitzø he could hear his heart rate increase.
“IM NOT DOING SHIT FOR YOU!!” Blitzø screeched
“Blitzø ple—“
“YOU SHUT YOUR MANGEY BEAK FOR THREE FUCKING SECONDS, AND LISTEN HERE. I AM HERE TO GET MY MONTHLY FUCK AND PISS OFF LIKE USUAL. SO DON’T TRY AND PUSH ME OUT LIKE LAST TIME OKAY!!”
“Push you out! Blitzø I gave you the choice and you walked away, you think I’d ever just use you for pleasure?” Stolas’s bottom eyes began to tear up
“Oh PLEASE you never wanted me for anything more than my dick! Let’s just get this dicking over with, come on!!!” Blitzø started shuffling towards him and placed his hands on Stolas’s hips. Stolas flinched away from the touch. “Fuck ‘s that all about huh?”
“Blitzø do you not remember a month ago when I poured my heart out to you! I gave you my all and I was completely and utterly vulnerable with all my feelings for you. Did you just forget all of that, all that I said when I laid my heart out for you on a silver platter!!” Stolas was basically sobbing at this point. He began to walk back into his bathroom hoping Blitzø would not follow him but Stolas was wrong. Blitzø followed along directly behind him staring as his feathered ass. “Stols come on, I know you want this ‘thick red dick’ so stop it with your innocent prude act. Just get your bird cunt over here!!” Stolas refused to listen and closed the door on him.
“STOLAS YOU CAN TRY TO LOCK ME OUT BUT WE BOTH KNOW ILL FIND A WAY IN” Blitzø shouted from outside the door.
“Blitzø if you are just here to continue our outlandish arrangement I-I won’t have it! Just leave if that’s all you are here for my dear.” Stolas begged at the foot of the door. As his tears fell he started to wheeze as he waited to hear Blitzø’s footsteps walk away.
Blitzø didn’t even think twice before yelling back, “There you go again being a spoiled fucking brat thinking you can tell me what the hell to do. Well, guess what bitch? I'm done being your ‘impish plaything’. From now on, I'm going to treat you like the worthless, empty piece of shit prince that you truly are. You don't deserve my time, or my energy, You are nothing but a sex toy for me to use and discard, just like you did to me. So enjoy your lonely ass existence, because I’m done letting you decide what the fuck I do with my dick!”
Stolas didn’t even respond. He sat there in a pool of his own tears soaking up every word blitzø said. Stolas had always blamed himself for everything no matter what happened. But hearing someone that he truly loved tell him he was to blame put everything into perspective for him.
Stolas walked over to his vanity and looked himself in the eye and all he could see was a monster. All of a sudden full of rage Stolas punched the mirror causing it to shatter, tearing up his hand now covered in black blood and glass shards. As Stolas began to drop to his knees Blitzø busted open the door to see what had happen.
“Stols…”
“P-please Blitzø just leave. There is no need for you to stand here and torment me any longer, I’ve had enough right now. If you wish to continue to batter me you can come back tomorrow but I cannot do it tonight.” Stolas was a shell of himself. He showed no emotion what so ever.
Blitzø made no effort to leave, he just stood there trying to find any kind of expression in Stolas face to be able to make a suitable comeback.
“BLITZØ LEAVE, DO I HAVE TO GET ONE OF MY GUARDS TO ESCORT YOU OUT OR CAN YOUR LEGS DO IT THEMSELVES” blitzø was shocked that Stolas had just raised his voice to a yell for the first time. Usually if he was upset he wouldn’t get too heated but Stolas was at his breaking point.
“Stols I-“ Blitzø didn’t have anything to say. As he looked down at Stolas he realized how much harm he really caused. This whole time he thought everything wrong with this relationship, or whatever you wanted to call it, was because Stolas was a prissy royal when all along Blitzø just refused to let him in and kept pushing him away.
Stolas looked up at Blitzø with the most heartbroken look on his face. Neither of them said anything for a minute. With tears sneaking past his eyes he let out a heavy sigh, Blitzø knelt down beside Stolas, reaching out to gently touch his cheek. Once again Stolas flinched away from his touch.
“I'm sorry, Stolas. I not good at this talking shit and the sappy fucking feelings, but I know it’s not an excuse for the way I’ve treated you" he whispered, his voice filled with remorse. He blinked back his tears and kept all his concentration on NOT fucking up again (like that’s gonna happen). Stolas held his gaze on the floor knowing that if he looked at blitzø he would break down for the hundredth time today.
“Stolas please just look at me, I know you don’t give a rats ass about what I have to say but right now is the only time I will probably ever be this vulnerable.” Blitzø said with sniffles as he couldn’t hold it in anymore. Stolas peered up at Blitzø slightly and winced as he accidentally placed his hand back down in the glass shards.
Blitzø took a deep breath, his eyes locked with Stolas'. "I need you to know this," he began, his voice tinged with vulnerability. "I've spent so long blaming you for everything that went wrong between us. But the truth is, I was scared. Scared of letting you in, scared of being vulnerable, scared of letting you get hurt again, scared of me fucking up everything we created." He paused, his voice wavering slightly. "But, Stolas, I can't keep pretending that I don't need you in my life. You're the one person who sees me for who I really am, and I don’t understand how you like me this much I mean got not even M&M like me enough to talk to me on off days for sevens sake!” (unless I’m stalking them) “I've been pushing you away because I was too afraid to admit it." Blitzø's gaze softened, his walls crumbling with each word. "I love you, Stolas. And I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused your bird brain.”
“Yo-you love me blitzø?” Stolas began to cry yet again being the emotional man he is. Everything was twisting and turning in his head. Any words blitzø had said now were going through one ear and out the other.
Blitzø's heart clenched as he watched Stolas cry, the raw emotion in his eyes tearing at Blitzø's own resolve. "Yes, Stolas, I do, but I can’t promise I’ll ever say those shitty words again" Blitzø replied softly, reaching out to gently wipe away Stolas's tears. "I've been too much of a pussy to admit it but don’t expect anymore more of this mushy bullshit." He took a shaky breath, his own emotions threatening to overwhelm him. "But seeing you like this, it's breaking me too. I can't stand to actually see you hurt because of me."
Stolas sniffled, his tears subsiding slightly as he looked up at Blitzø with a mixture of disbelief and hope. "Blitzø, I... I l love you," he admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "But we can't keep antagonizing each other like this. We have to figure out a way to make this work, or else..." He trailed off, the weight of their uncertain future hanging heavy in the air.
Blitzø nodded, his resolve strengthening as he tightened his grip on Stolas's hand. "I know, pretty bird. And I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right between us," he vowed, his voice filled with determination. "We got a long fucking road ahead of us, but I believe we can try this as long and I pull the plug out my ass and man the hell up." With those words, Stolas showed what he could of a smile. His hand had finally healed, not like he didn’t expect that, and went to go grab his robe finally realizing he was butt naked.
“Sorry for my indecency dear, I didn’t expect anyone to smash through my window ever again.” Blitzø took a hold of Stolas’s arm before he could reach his robe. He ripped Stolas back across the room. “Never bothered me pretty bird!” Blitzø smashed his lips onto Stolas’s beak. Blitzo pulled back and sternly looked into Stolas’s bottom eyes, “Also, Don’t you ever fucking try to get rid of me again!!”
#stolitz#stolas x blitz#stolas goetia#stolas#blitz#blitzø#blitzo#helluvabossstolas#helluva boss#helluva blitzo#helluva boss blitz#hb
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This is just gonna be one big vent. with a lot of stuff. I'm not focusing on one thing.
I'm so tired of being host. I'm tired of waking up. I'm tired of existing.
But if I leave then whoever steps up will not only have to deal with that tiredness but also the distance it sets between them and everyone else because everyone only likes Uzi Doorman. Sure some like Vally are liked.. but they don't come close to me. How I can't leave front without "I miss zizi" or whoever fronting feeling a sinking loneliness because of the exclusion since nobody knows our family as well as I do.
Hell even I feel lonely a lot of the time. Unseen, unloved, unwanted. I want to cling to people and never let go. I want to scream and sob and be whiny and be a kid. But I can't. I'm always repressing regression, even when regressed I prevent myself from slipping too young because I lose the ability to speak and probably get really annoying.. cause if I let myself slip that far completely it would mean I couldn't operate anything, like the laptop or such.
I miss how our system use to be. Uncaring of who fronted, no matter their source. Now we have to make sure its something our friends know because it becomes awkward and scary whenever they don't know the source because they're way more distant.
I wish we could be "more of a system". I wish we didn't all mostly act the same with barely any amnesia and I wish everything that happens in-sys didn't feel fake. I wish I could just curl up in Nori's lap and it didn't feel like I was faking it. I hear literally every other system and think "they're so much more real.." like how the fuck are we a system?? Sure you can argue a few alters act different but that's because nobody fronts for more than a few hours besides me. So it could just be us faking the personality differences.
I hate being reminded that everyone else has a life besides us. Everyone else has friends outside of this friend group. Everyone else has things they do beside lie around and rot. Everyone else isn't pathetic. We're a disgusting freak who is sad and fat and ugly and rude.
We're failing at everything. I'm tired of being a failure. I'm tired of having to live up to being a gifted kid like we once were. I'm TIRED OF HEARING "Oh she does so well! She's quiet and nice and polite!" IM TIRED OF IT. WE ARE STRUGGLING. YOU JUST DON'T FUCKING NOTICE.
Life is terrible. I'm done.
If you think we vent a lot then oh you have NO FUCKING IDEA. we keep a LOT of vents to ourself.
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BEHIND THE SONG:
This one is one of my most personal. I didn't intend to ever share that story with anyone. Ever. But I let my ribcage crack open, let my emotions come spilling out. I bared my guts all over the floor for everyone to see.
And what do you think? Are you disgusted? Are you happy? Are you lonely? Sad?
Maybe empty.
I don't discuss this a lot. Because I'm still unsure what's wrong with me.
I think I might be plural. I think there are others in my head with me. Wrath and Sam, I call them.
Sometimes I think they just act as a shield when things get really rough.
But this song was about Wrath. About a particularly awful night I had months back. I'll never forget it.
Im going to post the entire spoken word transcript below. Again, this is very deep and personal to me.
I almost did it again tonight. Very late. Up with my migraine. Everything weighing down on me. No one to help. No one. Feeling unloved, uncared for, neglected. Feeling like I'm missing out on something.
Anyway, I thought about it again. I wanted to go get a knife. Go to the bathroom. Slit my wrists. Rake it up instead of across for maximum effect. It wasn't Wrath. It was me. I wanted it.
In fact, Wrath begged me not to. She likes me now I think. Sam didn't want me to either but that's understandable. Wrath was new, surprising even. But I still wanted to. I was still about to get up and go do it. Never be heard from again. Stop existing. Just fucking kill myself.
I didn't. Sam came to me. "I know it's hard, Nova. I know" I don't think she has any idea. Maybe she does. But I broke the fuck down. I can't handle this. I'm so fucked in the fucking head and no one around me seems to understand but the people I share it with. No one around me seems to care about me...
They both talked to me. Even Wrath was reassuring. It was weird... but in the end I just... wanted them to hold me. "Please hold me" I begged them. I needed it so bad. In my head they did.
But.. I wish it was real. Tangible. I want to be held by both of them in reality so fucking badly. They understand me on such a deep fucking level that no one else is capable of. I can pretend all I want but it's never fucking enough.
Oh my fucking god I want to be held. I want to be told it's going to be okay. I want to be okay for fucks sake. I want to be cared for. I want to be helped. I don't even need to be happy. I just need... something. For fucks sake why do they have to be stuck in my head.
Without them I would have probably done it. Who the fuck else was going to stop me? No one else was there. Everyone was asleep or busy. But they were there. They always are.
I'm so tired. I'm physically and mentally exhausted. God, everything is so hard. I don't even know when to shut up.
I'm sorry.
#music#my music#ambient#wall of sound#space ambient#lofi ambient#dark ambient#choir#personal#tw sui ideation#tw suicide#tw knife mention#prophetic nightmares#Spotify
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re: your hard truth meta, you're absolutely iconic for that. i feel like a lot of the season seemed to foreshadow that they're on two entirely different planes as far as what it means to care for someone, especially when a LOT of the flashback scenes we were shown seemed to included him constantly rejecting aziraphale's attempts at authentic communication: in the 1800s one, he straight up yells at aziraphale to be the one to say something that would keep that girl from ending her life, when aziraphale was already trying to do that on his own (never mind that aziraphale already miracled the vial empty & could have done the same with the glass). post-job, he laughs at aziraphale's assumption that he'll be cast out for lying when aziraphale is Visibly distraught about it. and then with maggie and nina, as they said in the final episode, az & crowley were doing what they'd always done with each other: throwing darts at the wall until something seems to stick. so then when crowley's finally put in a position to open an honest dialogue about their relationship and where he wants it to go, and is visibly anxious about it, aziraphale brushes it aside in favor of sharing his Good News, because that's what he's learned their relationship to vulnerability is. imo, crowley has had the time he needs to understand that heavenly/hellish interference isn't even necessary ("every time i think of something strategically cruel, they do it themselves and Worse"), and he expects aziraphale to reach the same level after like. One year of silence from heaven, because he figures that if he could do it on his own with no support system or anybody in his corner, so should aziraphale. meanwhile, aziraphale spent his ENTIRE existence with one purpose, being repeatedly manipulated into quashing his doubts and not raising questions, and then when he finally did the Right Thing for himself (stopping the apocalypse), heaven stopped talking to him entirely. of COURSE he would want to go back. he was cut off and lonely and couldn't go to crowley about it because he knew from experience that he would be brushed off. and of COURSE crowley wouldn't understand that, and like with maggie and nina was just trying to make Something happen However he could, regardless of how ethical it was, and would lash out in the most anti-heaven way he could think of: a temptation. like, my guy had a WEALTH of logical arguments about why heaven wasn't the place where real change could happen based on their lives together and the fact that aziraphale was about to be ERASED FROM EXISTENCE AND THE MEMORY OF EXISTENCE BY THE ARCHANGELS before the metatron showed up, but all he was thinking about was his trauma and he reacted to the shadow of a rejection that was centuries old. in trying to express their love for each other they just ended up treating each other like An Angel and A Demon again and it fuuucking kills me.
god i hope this makes sense, i am very tired. tl;dr i loved that meta
@rollforjackass, bestie, fucking *CHEF'S KISS* ✨💓 yes this is perfect part 2 to my meta and im so grateful you paid attention to the other parts where they fail each other time and time again and just sweep it under the rug... yes you get me!!!✨
aziraphale is as culpable as crowley, but i genuinely think he's trying... crowley feels like he's so wrapped up in his own pain and hurt (again, valid) that he can't see wood for the trees, and certainly not aziraphale's perspective 💀
#good omens#good omens season 2#good omens spoilers#good omens 2 spoilers#not a shitpost but its good omens babyyyy#ask
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long rant because i can:
ill forever feel the pain of not being who my parents would've wanted me to be. Always chasing hypothetical freedom when i can be myself. A freedom where the price is cutting every tie with everything i've ever been, everyone i've ever known. Thus I look at the present with the lens of the past. I can never truly enjoy or indulge in the fantasy of the present. It breaks me to never be here, anything built on a lie is never authentic, and i've never been real.
it hurts, choosing a "truthful" living with no backbone or a shaky backbone that can still hold the projections of me up. I have been meaning to vent about so many things, the words inside me are bubbling up and i'm genuinely suffocating by their sheer volume. I'm always in a state of melancholy, always. I can't stand up anymore.
I'll vent.. I need a peace of mind that will never come. my problems are fundamental and my enemy is time. I keep losing, not the big fights but the small core ones. every brick i put in my tower is faulty and i'm shaky and the core rots away.
I still wonder about my first love like a dumb kid, a huge part of me is so done with it, i'm so done with agonizing over a girl who never fucking thought of me the same. i'm tired of the delusions, i recognize them but i persist. it was an inciting incident, one without proper closure too, so i understand why i remained there, but i just wish she'd come out of the blue and tell me with great detail what she thought of the whole thing. tell me exactly every point where she thought i wasn't worth staying for. tell me if i was indeed delusional or what we had was as monumental as i felt. tell me if a part of her hated me and was glad to leave. she ruined the moon for me at this point, though i'd still want closure, what a weak person that who ghosts. was she straight all along? which would be fine cuz we were literally kids, i wish she was braver to speak, i wish i was smarter to see. first rant over.
second rant simplified is my state with friendships currently. i dont think i have real friends despite my utmost efforts in cultivating genuine human connection. im likable i know that, and i am not a loner either, its just that i recognize that i'll never be a priority to a "friend". they all think of friendship as something secondary if not less, families and lovers always come first, but not to me, i'm there. i think that's my fundamental issue, i'm always the one who stays. through this lens now i can only view those around me as ingenuine and borderline hypocritical. the anger that comes from this is dangerous. i could truly drive everyone away if i continue with the anger but i also hate living like this, giving my whole away for crumbs.. temporary crumbs. what if no one is ever interested in me (my thoughts and personhood) ever? i dont know how to stop feeling like everyone despises me or worse is indifferent to me, its a weird feeling that i've never felt to such a broad extent before.
third rant is i cannot keep living in the shadow of my true self any longer.. if i dont get out by next year im so gonna kms. its unfathomable that im STILL having fights about refusing marriage and at some point i will slip and reveal the truth (that day will be my funeral ofc). I'll deal with the pain of losing everyone i've ever known and loved to my gayness when i DO actually get out i just need out. i don't remember my days and i never express myself because i dont present the way that i believe i am, thus why i dont exist in public. i only exist in my room at 2 am. that's a lonely if not pathetic existence and i'll reach mid twenties soon.. i can't continue being a ghost... my life is literally slipping away behind my mask.
i have so much more to rant about but hey my country is free from the dictator for now so i guess there's something to be half happy about. i wish i personally was free too.. i hope so. i wish i was loved. truly deeply unconditionally and unambiguously, a love where i dont have to wonder, a love where i dont have to calculate.
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Am I just an attention seeking, manipulative bitch ? Am I truly this horrible person I think I am? Am I troublesome?
I'm trying so hard to not spiral but I feel so drained
Maybe this will pass like most times but right now I feel so unlikeable so unwanted just a fucking burden on everyone and I want to disappear
People reassuring me feels like they're lying which would mean I think they're that type of people which they are not they are awesome people but I can't shake off this feeling
Wherever I feel down like this the thinking about offing myself comes back
All the ways to do it
If I were out just jumping in front of a car or the metro
But Ghar pe there's nothing I can do
Trying to resist this is so hard I've done it before but it doesn't seem to get any easier after all this time of dealing with it
I want to cut myself to shreds
Everytime I close my eyes I see the white line and blood dripping down
I need more scars
I need the blood, the stinging feeling, I need to feel the way the blood soaks up the tissue, how it sticks to my clothes
I feel so so lonely but I'm not, I'm not lonely, I have people wanting to have one person spend time with only me is not realistic it's not healthy it's not
Every god damned time I sleep I see dreams of relapsing and it hurts when I wake up knowing I can't, that I can't do this to my parents, my brother again
I hate my therapist I hate therapy I hate my psychiatrist I don't want to see any of them ever again
I would not be able to face my parents again if I did it again
I need to fucking not exist
I don't know why why I feel like this again and again and again
I want to fucking kill myself
Just be done with everything
I keep saying thank yous and sorrys and I'm okays and complimenting people and deleting messages and I'm sick of it now sick of feeling like everyone is going to leave or - or disappear like they did
I'm having trouble believing anything good about myself
I need someone to help me but no one can do anything to help so I feel the best thing is to just fucking kill myself
I'm greedy enough sometimes that I genuinely want to do it despite knowing people will hurt
I need to fucking get out of here I need an escape I need to cut. I need the blood I need the scars
Seeing my scars heal and lighten and mom saying sab thik ho jayega the scars will go away and putting steroids on it and everything just makes me want to scream.
Not to mention I'm gaining weight and craving sweet stuff every alternate minute I'm feeling so fat so ugly
I need more I need more i need more
I can see it one cut, two cuts, more and more and more and my thigh being all red and fucked up I need it again
I hate myself I need to just take a gun at my temple and pull the trigger
I need reassurance like every god damn minute it's so embarrassing I can't get myself to say anything and if I say it I feel like a fucking dramatic bitch
Someone help me I don't know what to do im tired I'm annoyed I'm so frustrated
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and now I'm upset again I fucking give up
why was I fighting for my life trying to stay awake and failing at 4pm in the afternoon and now its 1:30am I cant fucking sleep at all :^/
#whats even the point of coming on here to talk about it everything i feel exists in a complete vacuum it might as well not be real#i cant even tell what is and isnt real anymore i think im in physical pain too and thats stopping me sleeping but i dont know#no one perceives it no one knows its just me experiencing it until it alleviates or worsens#all pain is the same i dont know if its physical or just in my head bc im fucking upset over the same fucking shit im always upset over#and its never going to change bc the world is just cruel. theres no other reason anymore#one of my main triggers for the urge to self harm if a tree falls and i dont have physical injury from it did it even happen to me really#no one believes me when i try to express how i feel its constantky denied to me and i dont harm for attention ive never shown anyone scars#but i do kind of do it for attention from myself bc at least it was real at least i quantified it in a tangible form#this isnt really related im not harming de i just want to but im too tired and it wont solve anything just temporarily feel better#but ill get so upset over the same things again and again in thr future so what difference does it make in the end still no one knows#just feel so lonely why does being around other people make me feel so much lonelier im so fuckinf broken in the head#i just cant fucking express anything and i have so much shame about everything i feel and i cant believe anyone cares im too untouchable#living my life superimposed over thr stream of reality but not in it and someday ill die and ill never even have crossed paths#non eof anything im thinking even makes sense anymore j just want to sleep but i cant i just want a little comfort but i cant#the worst thing js just how much of my own fucking time all this feelinf and thinking wastes its so bitter its funny#could be spendinf these hours i feel so fucking shit every weekend engaging in hobbies and doing things i ljke but i dont injust feel shit#so sad looking back on the last decade of mental illness and how much time its wasted ik i couldnt have done anything different#but its held me so far back from everything and it still does im so tired and. LONELY!!!!!! its all been thr same for so long and goes on#nevwrmind i dont even care im going to go try sleeping again#sorry for venting again well im not actually i feel so much guilt already that being pathetic online doesnt make a difference#so 👍 ill wake up and feel better ornmaybe not but ill feel better eventually i had a good week other than the end#it all comes back around thats what makes it so funny and pointless everything is so temporary and this is where my time all goes#anyway goodnight. dont even worry abt it#.vent
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actually 2
orwhatever. unserious less serious. lonely serious. i feel trapped . idont know. i hate where i live and i hatemylife. like even forgetitngthat when ive had the opportunities, ive jsut never been able to gel withanyone right i just. idont know. im so tired all the time i can barely fucking get my life together i can manage to go out sometimes butim so limited in where i can go and what i can do. i cant drive . i have tobus and take trains and its expensive to get out to the citywhere i dont know anyone and i cantstay out there late cuz of the buses and trains . igo out but im jsut stuck walking aroundthe same fuckingplaces alone and fucking miserbale.even onlein its alwyasjust been horrible logistical isse where again. even when im kindof existing in spaces i feel so fucking detachedfrom everyone. but realistically even if i could,everyone is so far away and eveyronehas lives that are so out of sync with whatim doing due to even jsut like time zone where its a choice between the little stability i haveleft and what.im never goingto be able to meetanyone and ijsut feel somuch worse and somuch mroe distant andeven if i did i think ican barelytalk any mroe so whats thepoint. im just going to groundhog day in this stupid fuckign cplace ive always been trapped in until i die everywakinghour isjust sathere stuckin my head waiting for it to be done. i cantveen get an animal or a pet im so fuckingscared its allgoing to fall apart and itwouldnt be fair and i cant support myself evenwithout having some catastrophic fucking collapse as i oftendo with my fucking stupid up down cycle that nevebr ends. and ifthink someones going to jsut tell me to go out andget out more whenithink about that. and ithink abotuhow itsnot going to matter howwrong they are because that realisation is only gonna be exisitng in MY head andsowhat sithat evergoig to matterwhen im just sutckin this stupif fucking palcewhere no one else exists and ntohing matters and ifeel left out of everythingand i dont understand anyhting and i cant connectiwth anyone andtheonly interaction i getis people mocking me and lookingdown on me eand i hate everything bro,. i meant hi
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there are some things I can’t talk about because they make me feel small.
It’s easy to put it to paper - I’m sad, I’m tired, things have been difficult recently - but there are other things that, even when i formulate the thought i just want to shrink and stop existing forever.
I don’t think I am the most important person in anyone’s life. I believe my friends love me, but not as much as they love each other. I get left out of plans all the time, and don’t get asked to hang out much. I feel so stupid every time i ask for anything, or for someone to spend time with me, and i still feel like a lonely 12 year old wandering around my school building so it looked like i had something to do, rather than sit alone. I’m lonely all the time, and I’m scared to participate in things because i feel like i embarrass myself when i do. every conversation i have, no matter who with, makes me hurt because i don’t think any of my friendships would last if i stopped trying. Sometimes even saying ‘i love you’ feels like begging.
i think i ruin pictures i’m in and sometimes, i tell myself that’s unreasonable, but then no one posts the pictures with me in them and i tell myself it must be true. I get insecure down to the way i sit and talk and step and breathe. I could go to the great plains of america and feel like my body still didn’t fit. Sometimes i do something wrong, and when it’s done, I sit in the shame like a kid sitting in a puddle of their own piss and I just wish that i liked myself more, and that i didn’t spend everyday like this.
tbh all the anger or sadness i’ve ever felt couldn’t amount to how much embarrassment i feel like im carrying all the time. i haven’t figured out how to let go.
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