#Creating Safe Spaces

[livingwellnessblog]

What Victim Blaming Looks Like

Understand Victim Blaming: Educate yourself about victim blaming to recognize and avoid engaging in it. Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any harmful act is held partially or entirely responsible for the incident. Example: In a racist context, if someone suggests that a person of color experienced discrimination because of the way they dress, they are engaging in victim…

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

[secretsandillusions]

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Trigger Warning: This post is going to be talking about "Sibling Abuse" and the things that go along with it. If this topic - or the topic of abuse in general - is upsetting for you please move on. If you decide to move on: Have a wonderful rest of your night! If you decide to stay, you've been warned.

What is Sibling Abuse? "Sibling Abuse refers to any form of harmful behavior or mistreatment that occurs between siblings within a family. It encompasses various types of abuse including physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse. Sibling abuse can involve acts of aggression, violence, intimidation, manipulation, or control exerted by one sibling towards another. It may manifest as repetitive patterns of abusive behavior or isolated incidents of harm. Sibling abuse can have profound and lasting effects on the victim, impacting their emotional well-being, self-esteem, and overall development.

Yes, some types of behaviors exhibited by siblings that might fall under those categories are normal. Teasing, for example, is common and normal between the sibling dynamic, however it can also very quickly go from fun and light-hearted to something that is to be concerned about.

This includes things like playfully teasing each other about music taste, accomplishments, having funny nicknames for one another, and just in general having a back and forth banter that doesn't delve into truly harmful insults or nicknames.

It especially stops being light-hearted teasing when it becomes one sibling insulting another, using derogatory language, when one sibling is singled out over the other(s), when it starts including physical violence such as pushing or hair pulling. It also crosses a boundary when it starts being done in the eye of the public, even if the "public" is just other family members or friends, in a way that is meant to make the victim feel humiliated.

Physical fighting out of anger - or playful fighting morphing into physical fighting - as well is not considered a healthy or normal aspect of being siblings, especially if it is consistent.

☆★☆

My Story - 1

Now I wont get into every story today, this is already a fairly long post so I don't want to make it even longer, but I'll share a story I thought was completely normal until I looked into what Sibling Abuse was after hearing it during class one day.

I do want to make something clear though, something that should've made me realize this wasn't normal behavior sooner, but when you're in the situation you don't realize what exactly is wrong.

My sister was TWENTY years older than me. She was a grown woman by the time I came out of the womb basically, and obviously continued to be a grown woman as I grew up. She also was in the army and was a cop.

You might also have caught on to the "was" used to describe her that is normal in a couple places, but might stand out in another. My sister is dead. Has been for almost two years now. That is why I feel comfortable enough to be able to share what has happened to me as there is no risk of her coming across this and knowing it's me, even with a fairly anonymous account. She did have her ways, after all, though those are stories for another day.

Anyways. That background out of the way, here is story number one, though it is an amalgamation of events that happened between the ages of 9 and 13, something that stopped right as I hit puberty and just changed to something else.

The first time this happened was in private, I was sitting on my moms bed watching TV with her (my mom) and my sister and out of nowhere my sister smacked me across the chest, hard enough to knock the wind out of me, and make jabs towards the fact that I was flat chested. Obviously this was because I had yet to go through puberty so there was no estrogen being produced to promote breast growth. This is very normal. However, I didn't have this knowledge and figured something was "wrong" with me, however as a child with very, very, VERY, limited internet access there was no way for me to learn that this was normal for pre-pubescent girls.

My mom did not say anything about this, opting to just focus on her show instead of her nine year old daughter that had been hit across her chest by a twenty-nine year old woman who was vastly stronger than she was, and who was also subsequently gasping for air. I was called "dramatic" though.

This continued to happen whenever it was just me and my sister alone, though it would also sometimes happen during family gatherings or during my birthday parties in front of my friends while all the eyes were on me, such as when I was opening presents, or blowing out birthday candles.

One of these times was at my eleventh birthday party. I was running around playing with water balloons, as that's just apart of a summer birthday party when it comes to children, so my heart was already beating pretty fast and my breath already fairly short as, again, I was running around and having fun. My sister decided to join in on this fun and for a minute it was fine, and then she found me where I was hiding, trying to take a breather because my chest felt a bit funny, like it was racing extra fast compared to before, and this was new to me. She decided to smack me across the chest and make fun of me for being flat-chested. I felt my heart skip a beat.. and then another. It only skipped two and then raced a bit afterwards before becoming normal for me again. This was scary. I felt my face tingle and my left arm go numb a bit, and my pulse go crazy even after I was able to hold my hand over my heart and it felt normal.

She would always hit me with at least the same level of strength as the first time, just hard enough to knock the wind out of me and make my chest sore for a few hours but never really hard enough to leave a bruise.

Then, one day, we were in the Starbucks drive through. I was thirteen at this point and it was one of the last times she would do this as I would be hitting puberty in October of that same year as my 13th birthday.

Anyways, we were in the drive through and at the window where you pay / get your drinks. As the barista was handing over our drinks, making direct eye contact with me and smiling as she could see I was excited over my silly little Pink Drink, I suddenly doubled over in pain. I was hit in the chest, again, but this time with not as much accuracy as I was leaning forward, causing stomach pain as well as chest pain. Gasping for breath, as well as coughing and gagging. The barista didn't say anything, but then again what do you say when you witness that happening? She did look horrified though, and I'm sure that was the talk of the mid-shift for at least a few minutes after we drove off.

That time it wasn't paired with a "You're so flat", "Birdchest", or "What are you, a boy?" comment from my sister, probably because that would've been a step too far in front of the barista at the window.

Like I said, this sort of thing happened between the ages of nine and thirteen, only stopping after I hit puberty because I no longer was able to be called "bird chest" though it did eventually morph into making fun of me for still having a small chest. 34A gang, where you at?

I remember my mindset at the time - I would look at myself in the mirror before or after a shower, turned to the side and looking at myself in the mirror. Comparing my developmentally normal chest to the women around me, who had already gone through puberty, some even already having had children, and finding myself gross and weird for being so flat compared to them. Well... Yknow, no shit, I didn't look like them but how was I supposed to know that I was normal?

The kids in my class had gone through puberty sooner than I had, a lot of them quickly growing bigger chests, and eventually classmates joined in on the "birdchest" and "you look like a boy" comments my sister had been saying towards me, without them ever knowing she said that.

So for, what, four years? I had to deal with nearly-daily and sometimes multiple times a day, being smacked full force across my chest, hard enough to cause actual physical pain and shortness of breath, while being insulted for looking like a boy.

This took a toll on my health not only mentally and emotionally but physically. Not too long ago I got diagnosed with an heart arrythmia. This was something my doctor stressed as a concern in general, but even more so when I told her that the first time I noticed my heart being "weird" was back in that birthday party story I told, and it just became more common since that day, though I will say it has recently gotten better over the past few months. That being said, I didn't even know at the time, and only learned recently, that repeated, hard, impacts to the chest could cause a heart arrythmia.

I'm sure some of it is genetic, I do have heart issues that run in my family on both sides, however for it pop up this early on in life is extra concerning.

Again, I have a handle on it now, But I shouldn't have to have a handle on a heart condition at the age of 18 that, on average, happens in people in their sixties*.

I think this will be the end of story one. This is kind of a lot in general and something I should probably bring up with my therapist before the internet, but hey I told my boyfriend about (some of) this beforehand so it's fine, right?

Okay

Bye

I'll share more later - probably

*(Approximately 70% of individuals with AF are between 65 and 85 years of age - National Institutes of Health)

[lilybug-02]

Some Symptoms of ADHD from Someone who is diagnosed:

Forgetfulness that impacts daily life

Difficulty remembering others names and even faces

Hard to stop fidgeting or moving when bored. Difficult to stop even when aware

Hyperfocus

Lack of motivation in tasks, even more so when external motivations are not given

Difficulty in being organized for extended periods of time

[[Symptoms of Adult ADHD]]

[balkanradfem]

I've managed to curate my small misogyny-free space both online and in real life, and now I'm no longer used to misogyny, it's no longer normal to me. So when I accidentally glimpse it, I'm not desensitized to it, I'm always shocked and unbelieving.

If I notice a m*n talking about a woman like she's 'just some ***' I'm immediately aware that this is in fact a demonic creature who needs to be burned. If I see anyone using a slur against women or pretending women are at fault for any of the world's issues, the hair on my neck stands up at the unbelievable amount of hatred.

Anyone implying that women should be in any way controlled, punished, forced to do anything against their will or dedicate their lives to anyone but themselves, is preposterous and villainous to me, I'm at loss that someone could even think that way about a half of the human population who are creators and administrators of life.

I know I am in a bubble, but it feels different knowing deeply in your heart that all of this is not normal, that casual or normalized hatred against women is absolutely insane, that it's sharp and painful and dehumanizing at every turn. It's insane to realize that women just have to live like this, believing all of that is normal, that I once lived like this, wondering what was wrong with me and why I couldn't just be what everyone was expecting me to.

I think still, if I can make a small space without this hate present in it, without anyone or anything implying we should be anything but free, anything but full complete human beings with absolute control over our lives, then we can strengthen and grow these spaces, and get more women in, have more women experience what life is like when hatred is removed. There is hope for women.

[potato-lord-but-not]

As an aroallo person, thank you so much for making that aro Arthur comic. I know a lot of allo artists or writers can sometimes avoid writing or creating works involving aro characters because they're scared to get things wrong but I really appreciate what you drew and wrote and that you were open to criticism. I really like the comic. It reminded me of myself and I'm just glad we can live in a world where a big fandom artist can draw an aroallo comic. You did a really job. I guess I'm glad there's aroallo content being made because a younger version of me would've really loved seeing that and it mightve helped me figure myself out sooner. Just thank you for representing that you can be aromantic and still be sexually attracted or intimate with someone without it being painted like it's a bad thing . Arthur's guilt made me feel seen

WAHAHAHHSHAHAHAJAJ SOBBING I’m so glad it connected with you and that I can create art for people that makes them feel seen and heard <3333

[aaronsinferno]

Just gonna say this…

The BuckTommy hate isn't going to end anytime soon from buddies and it’s definitely going to get more aggressive when the show starts again.

They've been playing at this for six years, fueled by nothing but headcanons, twisted narratives, delusion, and theories that have repeatedly led them astray. So now that another character has swooped in, took the position they thought was reserved for their favorite “queer coded” hetero, and has gained a bit of momentum online, they feel very threatened/insecure and are going to make it everyone’s problem.

We've seen the lengths they’ll go to: from writing and spreading those vile fics to spreading queerphobic rhetoric, harassing cast, crew, and fans, and blatantly ignoring the source material to reimagine the show as they see fit.

If you want to truly enjoy this ship and the spaces you've created and joined to celebrate it, the best thing you can do is exactly that: enjoy it. Ask yourself why you're here, what makes you happy, and then focus entirely on that. Give little to no energy to any of their nonsense. It’s literally the only way we’re going to be able to thrive and actually enjoy ourselves from here on out. Because believe me when I say that they are having the absolute worst time and their behavior proves it.

Lets just have fun, guys

[candlesoul]

[piinktearxs]

It’s okay if you don’t own or want agere gear

it’s okay if you don’t own or want an agere room

agere inspo boards are fine but don’t feel pressured to conform to the aesthetic just because that’s what you see online - nobody is going to see that space without them being worthy of it (ergo non judgmental of how it looks or how it is) - you do what feels best for you in that moment, no pressure, this is YOUR safe space so whatever makes sense to YOU

[0vergrowngraveyard]

hey, so i don’t usually talk about this sort of thing on here and i’m not the best with words, but i need to say this:

you, the person reading this, have to survive.

you are strong. you are so, SO strong and so extremely brave. don’t give them what they want. they want you to be afraid, they want you to give up hope, but you cannot give that to them. do not give them power over you like that.

it’s only 4 years. that may seems like a very long time, but you survived his first term. you can do it again, i KNOW you can. and if his term somehow lasts longer than 4 years? i still know you can do it. will it be challenging? of course it will, but i and so many other believe that you can make it through to the other side.

take a break from the screens. go outside and just sit with yourself or invite your friends to sit along with you. spend time with your pets, indulge in your hobbies, or try something new. take the time to enjoy the little things in life. maybe reach out to a mutual you’ve never spoken to or who you haven’t spoken to in a while.

just please don’t give up. don’t give up on yourself. don’t let that smelly old man have power over you as a human being.

please survive. i know you can. it’ll be okay.

[deepspaceboytoy]

It is nice that Biden and Harris have given US libs the space to be as virulently racist as they had always wanted to be but couldn’t openly express in recent years

[lovelessrage]

An aroallo canon event is walking into a space designated as friendly and safe to "all of the aspectrum" [awesome, sounds good, I like being able to talk to people about issues that affect all of us] and realizing very quickly that you are not included in "all". It's the constant need to stick up for yourself in what is supposed to be a safe space that burns aroallos out of your community spaces. If you have a stark lack of aroallos in an all-inclusive zone, ask yourself if the environment is actually safe and welcoming, or if they are expected to constantly be their own advocate with no safety net. It's immensely common and underdiscussed.

Are you sticking up for the aroallos around you? Are you asking how you can be better? Are you expecting to rely on being "called out" rather than learning for yourself? Do you know what aroallophobia looks like? What sex negativity actually is? Please don't let aroallos fade away into the background of so many boundaries crossed and lines drawn that they have to go. We need bridges between the community now more than ever, and that means making it a two way street on each one.

[evankinkley]

I love scenes that include buck, tommy and eddie, because 1. the dynamic is comedy gold and 2. i can go through the reblog tags and block people like this:

[beingcultureis]

Being living in U.S culture is: :/ Oh. No.

[bairdthereader]

Heartstopper Elders: Coach Singh

One thing I admire about a lot of Alice's work is that for every cruel, bigoted, neglectful, or just bewildered parent, there is often a contrasting adult figure to fill in the gaps.

Many of the teens in Heartstopper are wise beyond their years, keenly observant, and maturely even-tempered in a way that some critics say is unrealistic. (I'd argue that all of them have been through life experiences that made them that way, but that's a post for another day.) Despite this, they still sometimes need guidance and a safe place to land. Alice is brilliant in the changes they made to the show to bring minor comic characters to the fore who provide that counsel and safety. I'll start with Coach Singh for this post.

---

Priya Singh occupies a pivotal role in Nick's life. She's a uniquely placed outside observer who watches as the part of Nick’s life that (until Charlie) made up a lot of his identity and supplied the bulk of his friend group transforms into a space where Nick has to walk the knife’s edge between his old, false self and his emerging and evolving true self. Though she doesn't completely understand the impetus behind it at first, she sees Nick's relationship with his teammates deteriorate and knows that something has changed for Nick. And she has to have noticed that that change happened simultaneously with Charlie’s joining the team. 

When Nick enters Coach Singh's office after she walks in on him and Charlie, he's prepared to be chastised, and possibly assumes he'll be stripped of his captaincy. You can see it in his defensive, protective, and even resigned posture and facial expressions.

It’s interesting that in the comic Coach Singh makes Nick the captain during this conversation, whereas in the show Nick has already been rugby captain for a while at this point. This is a clever change, because it establishes that Nick and Coach Singh have a closer relationship than average, built on mutual respect (as would be necessitated by Nick's holding that position on the team) and it adds a layer of complexity to the strained relationship he now has with the rest of the team. He's responsible, in some ways, for the morale and cohesion of the team and yet now he can't see eye to eye with them. Knowing Nick, this conflict of loyalties would cause him a lot of guilt, especially because--no matter how many jokes are made about his status as rugby king--Nick is actually very good at rugby, works very hard at it, and clearly cares about the sport itself. (In the comic Coach Singh tells Nick she thinks he could pursue rugby after school.) So when this conversation starts, Nick is worried about the status of his captaincy, his relationship with Coach Singh, his relationship with Charlie, and his role in his team's struggles, not to mention his repeated attempts to come out to the few teammates he's starting to feel he can trust again. That's an awful lot for one person to carry.

Coach Singh handles the whole situation beautifully. She starts by reminding Nick, clearly and forcefully, why she made him captain in the first place. Though her delivery is brusque and could be interpreted as corrective, I think by starting the conversation here she's telling Nick that she knows Nick's positive qualities, especially the ability to bring people together, are still part of him, no matter what else is going on at the moment. She's communicating that she understands that the problems that have come up this term aren't, ultimately, his fault. Nick feels such a sense of responsibility that, though he knows he's in the right in this situation, he still feels guilty for the way things are going with the team, so Coach Singh's reassurance at this point is critical.

Then she quickly proceeds to emphatically put herself in his corner: "If any of the lads say anything out of line, you tell me immediately." Nick is very obviously surprised by this show of support and relieved that he's receiving it at all.

Coach Singh reinforces this support by sharing her own coming out story with Nick--making herself vulnerable so that he might feel more comfortable being vulnerable as well--and showing him that she really does understand what he's going through. She reassures him that he is under no obligation to come out, a reminder that Nick needs to hear often because he puts so much pressure on himself to tell people. She's also carefully signaling that Nick can trust her not to out him to the team.

So now, not only does Nick have someone he deeply respects and who is already a fierce, experienced fighter in this particular arena standing by him, supporting him, protecting him (and, by extension, Charlie), but he has a safe base at school, something he desperately needs. His relief at the end of this conversation is palpable. Nick received safety in a part of his life where he has not felt safe for quite a while.

It's worth noting that Charlie has a lot of important moments with Coach Singh as well. Knowing Charlie already from phys ed and his running accomplishments, and likely also as a past victim of bullying, her watchful gaze is naturally going to be on him as he ventures onto the rugby team. She knows that sport can be a rough place for queer people and clearly feels some concern. Her frown here isn't so much about Charlie's trouble getting the hang of a rugby play--she knows he can do it--but about the other boys' teasing reaction to his struggle.

She's always happy to see him, always encouraging him without condescending to him, and vocally praises him in front of his classmates (important!). She shows the other boys that Charlie is someone to be admired, even emulated.

Coach Singh shows Charlie repeatedly that she knows he's capable of anything he sets his mind to. She even manages to correct some of his negative self-talk that is rooted in his unconscious internalization of damaging gay stereotypes, a brilliant mini teaching moment that I think often gets missed.

She's clearly very disturbed and upset by his decision to leave the team, knowing on some level that his reasons for doing so must be very distressing but that he's unwilling to discuss it.

Then she welcomes him back with open arms (literally) when he asks to rejoin the team, knowing that this means Charlie is back in a place where he feels at least some of the confidence he needs to face this challenge again.

I mean, look at her face ⬆️ She may not be loud about it, but Coach Singh is a Charlie champion.

Bonus: Coach Singh will call. you. out.

[delusinaldreamer19]

Black butler Fanfic Recommendations

Here's a lil list of fanfics I've read over the years. Make sure to look over my notes & see the labeling key at the top :)

There's an emphasis on dadbastian and Sebagni b/c that's just what I like to read lol, but majority are no ship. (And no Sebaciel).

(My own works aren't included. You can find them on my blog if your interested.)

Lmk if this link or any included don't work. I had to fuss around to figure out how to publish the doc anonymously. (On that note, if for whatever reason it ISN'T anonymous, pls pls pls let me know. I definitely don't want to publicize my personal email 😭).

If you have a fav fanfic that wasn't included, send it to me and I'll add it!