#Ch.20

[shizukais]

[everyerzascarlet]

[soleilocverse]

Chapter 20 Commentary

"Just let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, too.” Soleil looks at him in confusion for a moment before he hesitantly agrees and then leaves to get Ness.

Soleil "what could I possibly need" Etain as if he is not about to absolutely crumble under all this pressure he's putting on himself. Even when Ray spells it out in clearer terms he is absolutely hyperfocused on the physical sickness aspect and only for Ness's sake

He gives Ray a transparently desperate look so Ray tables it for now, not willing to stress him out further while he’s eating.

Was soooo thinking about how ur not supposed to stress your pets out in their eating areas

Lots of kitchen appliances as bg or the Only noise going on lately.

"N—I'm awake! I'm awake, thank you." He yelps and Ray watches his hands as they shoot out to grab his plate and pull it closer to him. “I’m very grateful that you made us pancakes. Thank you, Ray.” He gives a hysteria-tinged smile.

[DJ voice] two steps back now y'all. woohoo for being careful not to say "no," fear of food being taken away, thanking (twice), expressing his gratitude, and a nervous Name drop. he is not doing well (i think it should've come through in fic but the lack of sleep is Not doing wonders for him. and it's not Just lack of sleep but a lack of sleep and then worrying him self into the ground while he's awake) tho!! small mercies, he does not apologize here. And then poor Ness is equally caught up in the vibes, if Soleil is worried, should he be worried too? And Soleil has to continue balancing not stressing Ness out while being Super Stressed which is doubly not great for admitting to himself/others that smth is wrong

"Did you know that they’re not supposed to live in bowls that tiny?” He says after a long moment. Ray looks at Soleil’s hands too, irritated and peeling as they are. “I did,” he says, “Athena told me once when we went to the store together.” Goldfish too. When they would go to the pet store for Athena’s cat, they would try and see how many dead fish they could spot in the stacks of palm-sized plastic containers. Some dark high-schooler curiosity that he thinks wouldn't sit well with Soleil and that makes him uneasy in the back of his mind, thinking of pretty, dead things in small, cramped quarters. It makes him feel uneasy looking at how vacant Soleil is now.

I like the lyricism of this bit. Hence it gets title rights despite the morbidness. But i also like Soleil having a fish motif and while the comparison of him living in a dark, enclosed space is v literal, I'm also thinking about the mental aspects and his history of having nobody else to rely on (Rose withstanding but even that was only so much), so ofc it's hard for him to even Think he could rely on ray here even if he Wasn't doing his best to isolate as much as possible. (And then isolating from a sickness point And from a return to his former way of living as like a safety crutch/ingrained pattern thing. v messy!)

Then he seems to shrug off his heavy mood with an ease that speaks of practice. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that he’s pulling on another layer. He doesn’t know which is worse.

This too! I liked the wording of it and Ray watching right in front of his eyes as Soleil transforms so fully just for Ness.

“I’d like to help more. You seem really tired. And stressed. And distressed.” He presses as softly as he can. “I’m worried.” Soleil blinks at him and Ray’s hoping he’s not imagining some of the clarity.

This and this whole convo, Ray is trying SO HARD! and soleil just DOES NOT GET IT. in the long-run he has SO little practice at taking care of himself, esp when it's "time to put on blinders and disregard my emotional and physical health to make sure ness is alright" mode. he genuinely does Not even notice how much worse he is doing right now, rather than willfully ignoring it. (like, w/ making breakfast for the others, trying to pay for a perceived mistake w/ a service, at least then he realized he was slipping back into old habits, and he did Not like it)

And props to Ray for getting Soleil to promise to talk to Penny / promising to loop Cyrill in. I think he would've gone to athena first bc they've known each other for so long, like that's his best friend, but athena is sleeping </3 I Did actually try writing an alternate ending where Ray tells Cyrill exactly what's up but then Ray's reasoning in the final ver comes true, Cyrill gets all worried and fretful and then he gets restless bc he can't go to Soleil in person (but he would reach out over text, and i genuinely think it would stress soleil out to have Two people being like, hey we noticed these behaviors and they're concerning which he would twist into oh no i am doing something Wrong. but he would Continue doing them bc he's much more stressed about ness so >> not great for anybody). i added in cyrill texting soleil like, in ao3 editor that's how late that change was but i think it's a nice compromise. main point here is that ray /is/ in fact ready to ask other people for help. he's p go with the flow overall (which can be a problem sometimes) but it means if the flow is saying find outside help, he'll go do that p quickly.

When he brings the plate up for Cyrill, it’s comforting to hear the expected and ridiculous, “haha, balls,” Cyrill gives as he uses one finger to push one of the chocolates into the other.

man did this chapter need some levity. and i think it's fun when the other POV charas are a little in the dark about smth that's just popped up

i had to change the ending line from "the point is moot" to "it's a moot point" bc the second Is like, the way u say it but also consider, i like the way the first sounds better. i think i do actually say like, the point is moot somewhere else in fic but idt that was a final chapter line so lower stakes AHDKJASDH i know i put the warnings for a reason and I always hope they're useful cause I'll be re-reading to check for grammar/typos/to make sure i've actually Completed the chapter and not left a transition missing, or to fill this commentary or my consistencies doc out, AKA i'll be doing a lot of re-reading and every now and then i'll have to do my own breathing exercises midway through like, oh man why tf am i so anxious, AS IF i'm not reading from the POV of a highly anxious character who came straight from my brain AHKDJAHKL this arc was SOOOOO not good for my anxiety at points AHSDKJSADHKAJHDJKASK, i've been writing this sickfic arc since last year (specifically what is currently ch 22 since december and FINALLY,,,, TENTATIVELY FINISHED THIS MONTH HOLY HELL) and there have been plenty opportunities for me or someone i live with or someone i interacted closely with to be sick and @@ man. great for yay :) fic research :)), less great for not feeding into my anxiety oops. i'm not sure what the etiquette for compulsion tagging is but I thought it better to list them in the ending tags bc then people can gauge "oh yeah that's one of my triggers maybe i ought to steer clear for a sec" rather than wading into the fic and getting smacked with, ooh hahaa cool i do that :), and then i feel like there's a big difference between the POV chara doing it and then an outside chara seeing it so i wanted to clarify that. squints. next chapter will be much more from Soleil's POV so more emphasis on the thoughts/internal processes rather than the outside perspective of him acting on his compulsions

[beguilingcorpse]

dropout remains the only streaming suscription service

[kyouka-supremacy]

Something about Ryuunosuke Akutagawa is that he will slay a full page entrance

[scalpho]

raphaniel during the 2 year timeskip, trying to figure everything out and being haunted by the mystery of colin provolone

[uncanny-tranny]

Another bonus to learning a fiber art is being able to speak to others in a Lovecraftian language that nobody else understands...

...and also being able to read things like THIS:

[notesbynor]

Theo Gooey this, Gerard Elody that, let's not forget the first character where Brennan flirted with Murph:

Perry Pidgeon.

[s0ftpining]

HOOT GROWL 📣

[gremlingirlsmell]

[equarretedddd]

me and my lady @irdanart come up with adult tophabe as often as we breathe so heres an idea: in our minds their dynamics are an office romance then they cooperate with each other. topher brings abe the necessary documents and glues stickers w cute messages to them

[sciencewife]

He’s going in my soup later /j

Saw this post and I knew what I had to do to him

[everyerzascarlet]

Gay

[darlingod]

When Cardan says to Locke “Time to change partners. Oh, did I steal your line?” And his tone is unfriendly.

His tone is unfriendly

Yeah I’m going to be fucking sick that was so fucking hot. Cardan said you’re in the way of my future, move along.

[hanasnx]

who wants to bend it over for this old man

[kyouka-supremacy]

Placing my bets now in the next chapter Akutagawa is just going to have another one of his epic last chapter page entrances™