#But godDAMN am I angry
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hi for the first time in ten years today I went to a Public Structured Exercise Activity (taekwondo) and I feel incredible. I fought so hard for so long against my body and the whole time I thought it was my fault. I thought everyone was in just as much pain as I was and I just had a bad attitude. I have never been able to do something like that before. It didn’t hurt. It felt good. Moving in a body that works feels good.
I’m not even sure exactly how to comprehend what is happening to me. I have been told for a decade that my condition is permanent, that I am never going to be cured, that there is no way to treat this disease. Two days ago I thought to ask my new doctor, whom I’ve been working with for eight months, (not in so many words ofc) if that was true. It’s not. She didn’t even think to tell me because she assumed I already knew. It’s not mostly treatable or mitigate-able or reducible. It’s curable. Full stop. The damage is done but that is also fixable. The long-term genetic conditions can be treated with medication and support items. The disease? is curable. I was lied to for profit margins and insurance premiums. My entire life rotted out from beneath me for ten fucking years. I put myself in significant danger because I assumed there was nothing I could do about it and I needed to just move on, push through. I forced myself to function through seizures, I drove very soon after them which I know now is a huge no-no but at the time I didn’t give a shit. I assumed the doctors I grew up with were honest and trustworthy and they were not.
I can move and breathe and walk and fight and sleep and eat. I can do those things with very little pain, and the pain is lessening by the day. I am curing myself. Praise God, I am not relegated to healthier. I can actually be healthy.
Ten fucking years. Because insurance wouldn’t cover the treatment. And they lied to me.
#If I were a crueler woman I’d kill them#I’d find something breakable and then find a way to BREAK it#That’s not a helpful impulse. I’m channeling it elsewhere#Into taekwondo and work and writing and helping people#But godDAMN am I angry#All the way down to the very core of me I am furious#And it is a blessing for myself and others that I have been given the moral compass I have been#And the limitations I have. Because if I hadn’t people would be dead.#This is disgusting. This is a complete betrayal of the systems put in place to help people#And the Hippocratic Fucking Oath.#Every doctor swears above all else to do no harm and to work to the best of their ability to help people#And every doctor who told me this disease was incurable#Who told my mother it was incurable#Who told my ex and his father and my friend and my sister and my neighbors that it was incurable#Have broken their oaths and as such have forfeited their rights and titles as doctors#And they continue to practice and profit off of that lie#I may not have the rights and responsibilities in this situation to take justice into my own hands but I DO have hands#And a brain that can tell some DAMN good stories#And by the Lord above I will find a way to make this known.#If I have to paint it in the sky or carve it into someone’s flesh I will MAKE IT KNOWN.
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I like the general fandom trend to just take the plot of Hyrule Warriors as a loose guideline at best and just use the whole concept as a good excuse to get blorbos to interact across timelines, BUT I'm very disappointed that everyone is missing the comedic potential of a very specific squad of characters:
Young Link (aka Mask), who walks out of the nightmare of Majora's Mask and immediately gets portal kidnapped into a temporal war, takes one look at the whole mess and decides that you could not fucking pay him to admit to being the resident expert on Time Shenanigans. He introduces himself with the title of Hero of Termina, and definitely doesn't have any other ones, that would be crazy. Hero of Time? Never heard of him.
Tetra, who is a kickass pirate captain with zero patience for people trying to shove her into the Designated Princess role, and realizes immediately that Oh Fuck, this Hyrule has a lot of Ideas about how the Hero and the Princess are supposed to properly play their parts, the second they realize she's technically a Zelda they're gonna shove her in a goddamn dress and damsel her again, that's not happening. So she's definitely just a really cool pirate captain, nothing else going on here at all, definitely not the heir of the Hylian royal family in her time, that'd be crazy.
Ravio, who is literally just a palette swapped Link, meaning that the second his hood comes off, things are gonna get Awkward. There's no way in hell he's dealing with all that Hero baggage, that's Link work, so that giant bunny hood/mask is practically superglued to his head, and he's not taking it off for love or money.
Spirit Tracks Zelda, who is just in the Phantom Armour the whole time, and passing herself off as just a friendly ghost posessing a suit of armour to help the Hero of Spirits. Of course she isn't Princess Zelda, that's ridiculous, if she were a Zelda then people would start getting really weird about her technically being dead, and boy does that ever sound like a whole Thing she doesn't want to deal with, so she can't possibly be Zelda, she's just a nice ghost knight. Also, her teenage grandma is here, and that's kinda weird, so it's easier to just not admit to being royalty and avoid that awkward conversation.
Finally there's Sheik, who is not the Princess Zelda of the era straight up abandoning her war torn country for months at a time so she can risk her life in extreme cosplay for no clear reason, but is instead the actual Sheik from Ocarina of Time, who just beat Ganondorf like a month ago and is still trying to process what the fuck to do now. Also, he's been pretending to be a boy since he was ten, and is realizing there's a pretty good chance that he isn't pretending anymore, so that's a whole other can of worms. But for the last seven years of his life, being Princess Zelda meant certain death, so he's not really inclined to introduce himself like when in a new and stressful situation (not to mention he might actually just not be a girl named Zelda anymore), so he automatically introduces himself as just Sheik the spooky ninja man, and fuck he's in too deep to back out now, looks like he's committing to the bit. If you think you sense the Triforce of Wisdom on him, no you don't.
Cue shenanigans as the five of them attempt to hide that they're all actually kind of A Big Deal. The group motto is "Nobody says shit", which is usually delivered as a frantic hiss whenever someone slips up. Just the reunion between Sheik and Mask alone would be absolutely buckwild given how they parted, and how they're both frantically pretending to Not be involved with each other. For added hilarity and/or drama, Sheik gives his semi-bullshit cover story of having just been a friend of the Hero of Time, then runs into said Hero of Time and they both have to desperately pretend not to know each other, because if anyone picks up on the mountain of baggage between them then Mask is busted, and he won't hesitate to drag Sheik down with him out of sheer spite. Not to mention the weird balance of Sheik being used to this Link being a teenager that's actually a small child, and now has to adjust to Link who is a small child that's actually a teenager.
Also, i really feel like we're all missing out on the comedy potential of Ganondorf recognizing Young Link on sight and the two of them immediately launching into a grudge match with some extremely personal and specific insults on both sides. Meanwhile literally everybody else is just standing there watching, trying to process the fact that out of every single person that's been pulled out of time, Ganondorf only has personal beef with a literal nine year old.
I just feel like we're all really sleeping on the potential for Shenanigans here. The whole thing is an absurd mess, why not have some fun with it?
#legend of zelda#hyrule warriors#for the record im picturing the sheik-mask reunion as being the spiderman pointing meme for like five minutes#also my mental image of sheik is extremely Bad haircut (he does it himself with a knife and doesnt care about making it even)#and a ridiculous tanline across his face from wearing a mask all day#OOT magiaclly growing out zelda's hair and manifesting a Royal Gown was some top tier bullshit and i'm always angry about it#like dude. literally all of princess zelda's finery was made for a ten year old#she's like eighteen now. nobody's making royal finery for teenage zelda. where was she supposed to get that dress.#i am eternally on my agenda to let zelda wear some goddamn pants without an immediate magic makeover to *fix* it#anyways nintendo's sexism aside i like sheik being trans its very fun and sexy of him#tfw you go into hiding to escape political assassination and accidentally trans your gender in the process
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JUSTICE FOR COLD BEER & HOT WOMEN!!! SHE’S CAMP! I SWEAR TO GOD SHE IS CAMP!!!!!
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Every time I see people reduce Franziska von Karma to "haha bitchy immature lady with a whip" I get viscerally angry.
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#franziska von karma#franziska ace attorney#ace attorney#ace attorney trilogy#ace attorney justice for all#she's not my favorite character and like EVERY OTHER CHARACTER she is flawed#but i will always defend her with my life#i played through JFA like a year ago and bawled my eyes out at her plane scene#just to see so MANY people be like “annoying sexy whip lady” boiled my goddamn blood#franziska i see you i see you i see you#it really reminds me of the sexism towards Ash in SF. Just unwarranted bashing of her character without any media literacy#i will die on this hill and wear it as a fucking badge of honor.#yes i am watching wendy rocket's video#it's yet another reason why i get so angry when i replay Big Top because the potential is THERE in that case and ESPECIALLY. ESPECIALLY#WHEN IT COMES TO FRANZISKA'S CHARACTERIZATION AND HER ARC
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every time someone does “valyrian culture was more egalitarian than andal culture” discourse i point to the fact that jaehaerys invented the doctrine of exceptionalism and was an evil misogynistic menace to every woman he knew, how visenya was not the ruler of their house despite being older, and how the vale which is STEEPED in andal culture & chivalry & the seven regularly has their houses ruled by women in a way that almost no other region outside of dorne has ntm having the ONLY ruling lady of a paramount house INCLUDING VALYRIAN AND FIRST MEN HOUSES and also i start shrieking
#‘the incest isn’t inherently abusive’ i’m begging you to read a single goddamn thing about real life incest. just one.#like sorry u cannot make the argument that valyria was better than the andals when a valyrian house has never been ruled by a woman pre or#post dance and cregan’s sons clearly usurped their own nieces in a parallel to alys.#these people are all misogynistic evil freaks but just in slightly different ways.#the ONLY and i mean O N L Y and i say this as a first men apologist here culture that has even *marginal* respect for women is DORNISH#which is IN FACT a mix of both rhoynish and A N D A L culture. they LITERALLY worship the seven in most of dorne. be serious here.#this is not me discoursing i’m not actually angry the way i am about the butch femme nyra discourse aksjdjd#i find it hilarious avtually that people say the dance is about valyrian women losing power & assimilating into andal culture.#buddy they didn’t have power before the dance either! and the dance doesn’t just fuck over valyrian women it fucks over LITERALLY ALL WOMEN#EVERY SINGLE WOMAN SUFFERS MORE BECAUSE OF THE DANCE. THAT INCLUDES ANDAL AND FIRST MEN DESCENT.#getting on my soap box#gender politics in asoiaf
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Please vote today
#that’s it#that’s the post#I bought wine for tonight and I’m not really a big drinker but I already want to unhealthily cope with today#another historic day I’m sure#fucking hate historic days#I hate crying#I’ve cried so much the past few days#hate the specific heaviness of being a millennial#if applicable to you#I’m exhausted#what am I supposed to do with two little girls if Trump wins?#fuck anyone who makes me feel the feeling of regret over having my babies#I already want to throw up or get blackout drunk or both#fuck anyone who votes for Trump#fuck anyone who chooses not to vote#fuck anyone who thinks abstaining from voting proves any kind of point#fuck anyone who votes for Jill Stein#fuck anyone who doesn’t vote for Kamala Harris#the weight and enormity of this makes me feel like I’m going insane#I hate being so goddamn angry all the time
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where's that "there was someone wrong on the internet yesterday and i'm being so brave about it" post when I need it
#this post brought to you by#someone was wrong on the internet yesterday#and i am being SO BRAVE ABOUT IT#not just wrong wrong and racist in a way that is like... either it's bait to engage with people who will correct them and won't listen to#or they genuinely did not realize that it could come off super fucking racist#and like idk how becuase it was pretty goddamn blatant#and also facebook is the WORST place to try and correct that shit#you have to be SO BRAVE when you're on facebook about the wrongness of people#one day i will be able to act with more grace in a more timely fashion but until then#i will go back to focusing on how wrong those people were about motorized wheeled shoes instead#because that's from twothousandfucking eight and ''standing is so lazy''#as someone who clinically is incapable of standing without it making my heart race#and who also has a bipedal human body like everyone else#i bEG TO FUCKING DISAGREE#i was angry about that when i didn't know it wasn't as hard for everyone else to remain standing for long periods of time#ooooooough#they were also racist but like it was also 2008 it was that or extremely ableist and most people hit both pretty solidly on the internet#in those days /old man voice
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I’m allowed one (1) vent of the colossal amounts of pressure my body and mind are under per month and i usually do my best to bury it in the early hours of the morning, so now that i’ve provided this valuable and important context:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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#my stuff#i need to be beaten to death i need to be eaten alive i need to be slashed and stabbed and burned to ash#nothing i do will ever EVER be enough to make up for the existential guilt that gnaws at my soul#i’m hungry i’m tired i’m stressed about work and the safety and well-being of my family and friends#i miss my goddamn ex over a year after the end of a 6 month relationship like a pathetic wretch#i will never be pretty the way i wanted to be as a child and can only make myself enough of a freak that i don’t care#i want to be brutally harmed so the flesh of my body will show a fraction of the damage i feel inside#these wounds do not heal no matter how much i try to treat them with friendship and food and music and life#it is all insufficient. i was not supposed to live this long.#i try every day to be kind and to make the world a better place so that maybe just maybe i can say i earned the right to live that day#it never feels like enough. it probly never will#i’m so angry i’m so sad i feel incurable lonely no matter how much time i spend with friends#as soon as the call is over or i head home the darkness washes right back in and i feel like an abandoned cat on the roadside again#i want everything to be okay. It’s not right now#i want everyone i love to be warm to be safe to have enough to eat but I AM NOT GOD#i can’t fix everything no matter how much it makes me writhe inside#i’m a broke fucking grad student with a useless fucking project and they should bury me alive in the field research camp#perhaps a vegetable would cause less despair
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bad news chat. my bed is sinking on the other end now. so i need to sleep in the middle or something I Guess.
#IT'S A SMALL BED#WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY WANT FROM ME#CAN'T PUT ANY WEIGHT ON THE HEAD OF THE BEAD. CAN'T PUT ANY WEIGHT ON THE END OF THE BED#IT'S A TINY FUCKING BED WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO#IS THE MIDDLE OF THE BED GONNA START FUCKING SINKING TOO#WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY FUCKING BED#IM BLAMING MY BROTHERS. BECAUSE THEY BUILT IT. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY GODDAMN BED#ratmouse sorrows#<- angry#the mattress could be the issue#unsure#but still. WHAT THE FUCK I AM VERY ANGRY!!! I WANT TO BE COMFORTABLE AND HAPPY AND SAFE IN MY BED WHY IS IT FUCKING SINKING
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Wrong #782
Found some Venom comics and decided to read them
He’s started yelling “We Are Venom” before he turns into the dog-creature he becomes during his Noble Phantasm
#whathasangramainyudonewrong#angra mainyu#angry mango#fgo#I saw venom 3 today! I am emotionally devastated by these fucking losers yet again! goddamn
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Being in the dsmp fandom has forever instilled an evil within me that stirs with the memory of lore discourse trenches whenever I recognize a url on a viral Tumblr post
#anything with innit in it and I puff up like an angry cat#the goddamn -burs too#and if I have to see ********** tacking random needless commentary onto an otherwise normal post again I am going to kill a man
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Bruce Wayne and Stephanie Brown, everybody. (Robin 1993, #87)
#anti Stephanie Brown#anti Bruce Wayne#Tim Drake#You guys have no idea how angry I am#If I see one goddamn Stephanie fan on here I will maim#this is a hate blog now as in I hate it here
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I mean out of everything in Hbomberguy’s new video, I think the thing about James Somerton that just irks me the most is just… he’s a queer man who is so lazy and self absorbed that he cannot take the time to even learn about the queer history and media he is presenting.. about his own history!
I just! Look, with all the other creators I understand the laziness —they’re all just churning out content as fast as they can (save for internet historian cos he posts pretty infrequently), none of them care about the games and films they’re reviewing, about MLM’s and shitty corporations or about guys getting trapped in caves. They don’t care y’know, it’s easier to disrespect the sources they’re stealing from if they have no emotional attachment to the topics.
But James is gay.. he’s a queer man… he is apart of this community, I mean not to excuse his shitty misogynistic rants (cos they’re shitty and there’s no excuse for them) but that hatred comes from somewhere, Harris joked that “some straight woman hurt him” and like… I wouldn’t be surprised if James genuinely has felt pushed aside and forgotten because of his identity as a gay man….. but like if that’s the case then he understands queer erasure, he has experienced it firsthand and fucking… it’s incredibly disappointing to see him plagiarise queer voices on such a massive scale!
But idk. I originally found James Somerton because I was watching video essays about queer history and queer media analysis — y’know, actively going out there to learn my history and how it affects media in the present — James can’t even be fucked watching the shows he’s talking about. What is Arthur? Who is Mako?? Wtf is a Shonan??? Calling Becky Albertalli a straight woman, misgendering cast members in Owl House and Shera because (and I severely hope this is the case! Though at this point nothing would surprise me) he assumes they are all straight women, the whole thing with Disney’s gay nights and gay days… these are all such basic, simple facts that anyone could learn by looking at a fucking Wikipedia article (or in the case of mispronouncing Mako’s name.. just watching a single clip from the show).
It just really goes to show how little he actually cares about the content he’s making.. his videos aren’t passionate video essays, it’s content, views, money, sponsorships, it’s taking the 3 or 4 articles he read when he typed “movie gay” into google and making them look flashy and professional with pretty lighting so he can just shut out all the voices he doesn’t want to hear (actual queer people.. and I guess one right wing nut head) and make a quick buck off the content they worked hard to make!
Anyway. Top tier video from Hbomberguy as per usual. Im fucking mad but hey! At least I got an epic list of new YouTubers to check out and like a *shitload* of articles and books and documentaries I can go watch :)
#hbomberguy#james somerton#for the record when I heard Defunctland and Hbomberguy were gonna be uploading videos around similar times again#I messaged a friend and joked that *at least Hbomberguy’s video will cheer me up like the Oof video did* last time#fucking aged like milk there.. I am like genuinely so angry about the fucking scale of this shit!!! good video but goddamn!!!!!!!!#so keen to go through that list of other queer creators though.. some of them looked great#(also if y’all know other creators shout em out#im always keen to find new creators.. especially queer ones!!)
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🎉 [ Art from 2022-2023 ] 🎉
Happy Birthday to my most favorite person in the world, the love of my life 🖤
I still can't believe this'll make our 10th year of being best friends and even more I can't believe we get to celebrate our 8th anniversary this summer 💖💕
Commission Info | Ko-Fi | My Links
#I was gonna type out more but I decided I didn't want to be too sappy and emotional on main#so much has happened in these past 10 years#I can't believe I made it this far I really did not think I was going to have a future#but I did and I do#I have the most wonderful partner who I connect with in a way I never thought was possible#I am capable of being loved I am capable of loving in return#I learned how to love myself and be unapologetically myself for myself#I lost a lot of people and some very much for the better#I've become so so much happier my god I never thought I'd ever know what this felt like#I'm still angry and numb and having to battle depression but I've grown I've finally become someone worth being proud of#I'm no longer letting that anger and grief and everything that comes with it take over#I can't believe I've actually become gentler and kinder#I can't believe I've actually made genuine friends with people who are nice and caring and supportive#and are actually happy to see me and not trying to take advantage of me at every opportunity I'm finally seen as a person#I can't believe I'm finally in a safe environment I don't have to be terrified anymore I'm not going to be hurt anymore#I can't believe how far I've come creatively bc of how much bf has supported my every passion wholeheartedly#he is the reason I have a drawing tablet he is the one who encourages me and cheers on everything I do#god I still don't know how I could ever in my life thank you enough for every goddamn wonderful thing you do for me#you have changed everything for the better none of this would have ever happened if it wasn't for you#it's always been you#I fucking love you#more than anything in this universe and the next#forever and always#my art#glad I listened to my first tag lmao
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grief will have you saying shit like goddamn and fuck maybe the abuse was worth it
#ive made this post before i just cant find it and it’s all im feeling rn#god i miss my parents so fucking much even though they were the cause of SO MANY of my problems that idk if i’ll ever heal from#but navigating life w this grief and without their support- however little it was- feels like hell#but the abuse felt like hell too.#ive said it before but i was JUST getting to a place where i felt i could stand up for myself and knock down thwir shit a few pegs. or at#least become more resistant to it#i saw a future with them in it for the first time in my LIFE#and it was bc i’d done SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. and now i feel like it was all so fucking useless#it’d be easier if i was still in the phase of anger i was at like 19#but i’d processed that quite a bit and was trying to move on#FUCK. i had made SO much goddamn progress right before my mom got sick#then everything went down the toilet cus i cannot fucking have anything#it’s so unfair. i wish i could at least redo the last 3 years of my life#i would’ve done things so much different but i was so traumatized and still so angry and bitter and trying to preserve myself#ive come to the realization tjat the person i am today did not exist back then and therefore i shouldnt beat myself up bc it literally wasnt#available to me. i couldnt have done anythimg different bc i was in such a state of survival#and truthfully ive grown a lot since then even if im still in the trenches#the timeline of my entire life has been so fucking unfair#and i dont know how to reconcile any of it i dont know how to cope with my worst fears coming true#and i mean worst fears. even the way they passed. spot on to my worst fears#i despised what they did to me but i still didnt see life without them until i was at least 30#it was all so sudden and quick and shocking#yeah they were horrible parents but i was a horrible kid too. maybe i straight up just deserved that shit#and i’d go back to that and seeing a future with them in an instant#over this bullshit#it’s so hard. and then losing all my pets too at the SAME TIME. all my babies#everything that i loved ripped away from me in the span of MONTHS#it’s all too much. l oh fucking l. no wonder im 3 shots deep at fucking 3 pm#it just hurts so bad. so fucking bad.
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Watching "To Where and Back Again Part: 1" and seeing Discord learn that the Changelings took Fluttershy and just going "Where?" with his eyes turning into slits and glow red.....
All I'm saying is, the Changelings got lucky that the "blocks all magic" throne existed......
#They made the Lord of All Chaos angry#oh dear#i didn't remember that part (it's been a while) and seeing that I had to pause and pace around a little bit#when the nice character gets angry am I right?#my little pony friendship is magic#fluttercord#i guess I'll tag that cuz he got really pissed on her behalf#he would have smoked the place if he could do magic#his voice got so fucking deep goddamn#just posting
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