#BUT ALSO I ACT VERY NORMAL . I AM NORMAL
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Finished themmm
Accidentally
I planned on going to bed early as a celebration, but then I looked at my unfinished pf of Siffrin in the sketchbook and boom couple of hours of sketching, lining and coloring and the beans are now officially paper figured
I can now randomly take photos of them in a forest whenever I feel like it. I have couple pfs on me every day just in case of this happening
#fanart#my art#paper figures#isat#isat siffrin#isat loop#siffrin#loop#in stars and time#Are you ready for me to break it to you? No?#That scene on the laptop? A screenshot#It is a recent one tho#I replayed that hangout just before finishing act 3 for the achievement that required act 4#But I did pretty much play like that#God just thinking about my first playthrough try on this fills me with anxiety#I was so scared it would be the only time they get to talk before actually playing through the game normally#Preparing for bed found me two coins I guess those two really are coin magnets#I actually did Siffrin's hat at least at line-color but I'm still figuring out how to get them to wear it#I THINK I have an idea tho#But anyway#it's 3:30 am#They're also so tiny#Like I worried they'd be too big so now they're pretty average-small next to my last ones#Drawing pf of Loop was actually a really random idea and getting them to mirror Siffrin's pose wasn't hard to think of#I don't usually draw characters facing the other way tho it was weird#The funniest thing was me forgetting Siffrin's eyepatch until the very end while being perfectly aware of making Loop's eyes different colo#That moment of realization was funny just as much as terrifying
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Something I've always found fascinating about Raymond Shields is that despite seemingly having altruistic reasons for being a defense attorney, his reasons for trying to convince Miles to be one are anything but.
It seems understandable enough on the surface. After Ray comes around and agrees to work with Miles in The Imprisoned Turnabout, he sees remnants of Gregory shining through him despite von Karma's influence. Whether or not he recognizes that Miles' decision to become a prosecutor wasn't just born from that alone—that it was in tandem with wanting to distance himself from anything that reminded him of his father to alleviate the burden on his heart—is up for debate, but regardless: he acknowledges Miles as Gregory's son through and through and wants to capitalize on his dedication for pursuing justice in a way that he knows would make his father proud. He wants to let Miles in on the life he was robbed of at 9 years old—the life he once dreamed of living, where he follows in the footsteps of his father by giving everything he has to save people, by fighting like hell for the vulnerable and the condemned.
That said, as much as Ray dresses up his proposition by making it out to be as if he's looking out for Miles' best interests (and the best interests of society, even)...his motives for trying to get Miles to switch sides are almost entirely selfish. Ray's efforts (and most of his actions in general, really) are ultimately a product of his desperate attempt to cling on to anything related to Gregory out of an inability to move on from his death. Wearing his hat and coat, leaving the name of his office unchanged...and now, requesting that his son literally change jobs just because he can't bear the weight of his own loneliness anymore. Because he can't bear to think that the damage done by DL-6 is irreversible and Miles has moved on while he has stagnated for the past 17 years. Because he has an idealized vision of what he thinks Gregory would want and fails to realize that his son's occupation wouldn't matter to him as long as it brings him happiness and fulfillment. In his mind, letting Miles go means accepting the circumstances that brought him where he is and allowing both of them to move on. And that terrifies him.
It's even more deceitful when you realize that Ray's pitch comes at a very opportune time for Miles given his circumstances at that point: that is, he's under threat of investigation for prosecutorial misconduct and at risk of being stripped of his badge. Ray might fake incompetence, but he's not stupid—and he takes full advantage of Justine's warnings to try to sway Miles when he's in a more vulnerable position in terms of his job. Which is...pretty fucked up, to put it lightly. Despite having a better idea of where he came from compared to most people, through this Ray shows a lack of understanding of who Miles truly is and a lack of respect for what he's come to value, even if his path toward obtaining those values had some bumps along the road. But he's so blinded by his grief that he doesn't even stop to consider how much he's really asking of him, or what Miles is really searching for.
Ray was moved by Gregory. He values saving people. Defending the weak is an undeniably noble endeavor. But to ask that of someone else without consideration for their best interests is decidedly less so.
For all his occupation requires a certain selflessness, Raymond Shields is far more selfish than he lets on. And I for one find that contradiction fascinating to unpack.
#ace attorney#phoenix wright ace attorney#pwaa#aa#ace attorney investigations#aai2#raymond shields#eddie fender#<-i'm not calling him that bc i strongly dislike that name. but just to prevent confusion#miles edgeworth#gregory edgeworth#aai2 spoilers#meta#my meta#hopefully this is coherent. i am currently at war with my fog headaches as we speak#aai announcement means i've got ray on the brain again. surprise surprise#sometime in the near future i also want to explore the possibility of ray losing his altruism at some point after gregory's death#or at the very least how it becomes less genuine. and he only keeps it up because it's what he thinks gregory would want#i have a LOT of feelings about how his need to keep up the good person act is EXTREMELY reminiscent of sister iris in that way#but this post is already long and if i write any more i may not have a functioning brain tomorrow soooo. another time unfortunately#↖️ this user is NOT normal about raymond shields ace attorney and you best BELIEVE she's going to make it everyone's problem
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so with echoes of wisdom .. i havent watched any of the trailers beyond the very first one and the thumbnails/screenshots and what others have said about it-
but with the world inside the rift being called "Welt des Nichts" aka "world of nothing/void" in german ('still' in english, for some reason) and demises title in french being "avatar of nothing" ... yeah my anxiety is shooting through the roof again
(hopefully you can be a little more forgiving for me being anxious/weird about it bc demise is my blorbo)
i had similar worries with totk, that werent proven true thankfully, but the darn book is making it all worse again with all those weird lore things the game doesnt even so much as hint at AND potential retcons- im in for a really rough time huh, not just stress in real life (more in tags.. its alot) but now about my specific hyperfixation from two things even (AND artblock still..)
weird as it may sound, i dont want demise to get more lore, partly bc i dont believe theyd do anything with him that i would like (given their track record) but much more importantly- the fact that he has this little lore about him is precisely one of the reasons why i fell in love with him, i tend to like characters that are neglected by the narrative, and his story being both so flat and already done meant i can be very creative with what i come up with for him without necessarily contradicting anything in canon (which is ... or was a big point of how i wrote destiny's story and lore, working with canon in a way that reframes it all without straight up ignoring it ... but i suppose i urgently need to let go of that and accept i spend alot of time working things that will go to waste :( ) AND not having to worry that there will be more stuff with him that would massively change not only what im writing but also potentially how i feel about him since the game he was briefly in was the oldest chronologically and ended with his death- i didnt expect them to mess with anything that far back and thought theyd just go forward and leave the timeline behind and wouldnt mess with it again, given how botw seemed to be a sort of 'fresh start' that seemingly regarded the past as the past that needs to rest and that the timeline was finally no longer a discussion if everythings unified through botw and one thing going forward
but i suppose i was very wrong with that .__.
right now the only thing that motivates me still is the left over determination and spite to work on my zelda comic, since i have never gotten this far and really want to get something done for once, but i cant lie that im feeling like i should pause all work on it too to wait and see waht the book and the new game will do .. either to determine if i still have the will to keep working on it after those things are out (my love for tloz has been taking alot of hits lately ..) or if i have to change stuff (mostly bc of my lore problem trying to not ignore it ..)
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rants#sorta#suicide attempt mention in the IRL stuff im talking about in the following tags btw#theres some construction stuff on our house going on#and my father is extremely stressed about it#he used to be very explosive- being silent and then exploding out of nowhere .. probably left me with lasting damage yippie-#but now he much more lets it eat at himself bc hes old and feels bad for the past stuff so now it makes him irritated and depressed#my older brother is the most normal cis straight guy you can imagine and incredibly impatient and bossy (you CANNOT talk with him)#(brother doesnt live in our house)#and while hes helping out hes doing it exactly how my father doesnt like and since you cant talk to the guy (explosive +200) it stresses hi#to the point of my father yesterday saying that “it would have been better if i had just died back in the day”#likely referring to the time when he was drafted for the military against his will and tried to kill himself#which i learned only like .. a year ago- theres so little my parents tell me ....#its like my mother telling me- while my father was in hospital for heart surgery- that she not only almost died back when i was a young tee#and only survived bc of some incredibly unebelievable lucky coincidences (medics on a travel being there that knew what she had-#-while our local doctors said welp- nothing we can do lady AND them beign there with a helicopter and emergency transferring her#to antoher bigger hospital while giving her immediate treatment our local one didnt do- AND at the big one just so happened to have-#-an expert on that illness in the facility when she arrived who was able to narrrowly save her life#BUT ALSO while she was recovering and weak and frail as a dust bunny witnessing someone stealing hospital surplies-#not noticing she was in the room at first (which .. the nurses left her in the nurse room while going on break ... which uhm .. yeah cool)#and if my mother hadnt acted in time like she was fully asleep and the lady stealing stuff beign in hurry- she might have killed her#without my mother being able to fight back bc she could barely even talk (the nurses didnt want to believe her when they got back either)#ANYWAY that comment from my father brough me to tears#and my mom is trying out more ... other medication shes not prescribed in hopes of it helping agaisnt her many pains#but i worry it will interact with the other stuff shes on ...#and i worry so much about both of their mental and physical well being#always trying to be the one to calm them down or help with communication bc that is a big problem in this houesehold#but i myself am also a very much not normal and not medicated shut in who has trouble dealing even with my own feelings
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After finishing In Stars and Time today and as a big fan of both Madoka Magica and Majora's mask, I think being in a loop would fix Owen Carvour.
It might not seem so at first: after the fall, he's in a really bad place mentally (who wouldn't), and being in a timeloop would probably only make it worse, especially if his actions don't have any consequences. However, if enough time passes inside of the loop ans he can't get out, he'll end up breaking, thus becoming emotionally vulnerable. Don't you want to see Owen being honest with Curt after the fall? Talk about everything he went through, the betrayal, the anger, the grief? What if he just... Gave up, and Curt saw it? What would he do, if he saw the love of his life even more shattered than in the musical itself?
#saf#spies are forever#owen carvour#curtwen#i am having very normal thoughts about isat btw im doing so good at thinking about it a normal way#also if curt was in a timeloop i think hed end up acting like sif. iykwim.#I'll probably keep thinkinh about this. owen needs a reason to loop
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i cannot stand the aot fandom this is not a new take at all they are universally intolerable but oh my dayssss u are FORBIDDEN from making ANY take about the show it's actually insane to watch. 'aot is perfect' no show is perfect. 'tell me you didnt get the show 😂🫵' people have different opinions/interpretations about things. 'eren is a good guy they could never make me hate him' i think there's actually 4 seasons and two movies explicitely using him as a tool to show that no one is 'good' or 'evil' they are only trying to survive. hello. the fandom r all so far up aot's ass that they actually discredit its writing in the process and it would be laughable if it wasn't so frustrating
#bc aot IS insanely well written but no one talks about it???#like all they do is SAY how well written it is but no one is brave enough to give examples or meta bc SOMEONE will jump on it#declaring they've misinterpreted the Single Correct Way of watching the show and are dumb and a hater for saying such a thing#i remember posting about my initial aot watch on here and i did NOT like eren i thought he was whiney and annoying (he is <3)#and i thought aot was overhyped but ive since finished it at long last and omg. it is so fucking good#one of those shows that you need to watch ALL of it to truly get what's going on#and the conclusion of eren's character i am genuinely so obsessed with ill probs make a separate post just about him#bc i have really 180'd on eren and i can see now he IS well written. but not for any reason i can see anyone else talking about???#people are just banging on about he was right and justified and a saviour and tragic etc etc and while those things are important#and should be considered that also like. was not the point imo#the irony and tragedy of eren jaeger was that after all the 'i am special simply bc i was born into this world'#concluded with the revelation that actually he was not special. the rumbling happened because a normal boy got a hold of a great power#and he mishandled it. he was immature. he acted his age. he was just some teenage boy and he responded in kind#there was selfishness and silly whims and a quick temper. he was never this godlike figure he gets painted as#and i ADORE THAT TAKE. THAT IS SUCH AN ICE COLD CONCLUSION. EREN WAS NEVER SPECIAL - THAT'S THE POINT#and like countless times through history one selfish person with their hands on an insane amount of power and a conviction#that they are doing the right thing goes on to lead to a continuation of the cycle of war#like the end credits with the tree is genuinely HAUNTING. it never ended. eren KNEW the rumbling would be unnsuccessful#and would leave enough of their enemies alive that they'd eventually retaliate HE KNEW THAT and did it anyway#why? bc he just /wanted/ it. desperately and immaturely. and so the war turned over for another generation and another and#LIKE THAT IS SUCH A POIGNANT HAUNTING TAKE. I FR STARED AT THE BLACK SCREEN ONCE I FINISHED IT FOR 5 MINS IN HORRIFIED SILENCE#yes it's not his sole motivation but ultimately the crux of his character boils down to the fact he's just some kid#to the point even when he's explaining it to armin at the very end they SHOW HIM AS A KID. THAT IS THE REAL EREN#THAT ANGRY SCRAPPY CHILD WHO THOUGHT HE COULD BEAT THE WORLD INTO SUBMISSION#NOT A HERO NOT A GOD NOT A DEVIL - JUST A KID GIVEN A POWER HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE GOT HIS HANDS ON#but if u say all that some chucklefuck tells u to kys and that u just Didnt Get The Masterpiece Of Attack On Titan#but do u know what? maybe people disagree w me! maybe this is just my interpretation! guess who's NOT gonna have a hissy fit about it?#fandom is about DISCUSSION and i have never seen a fandom as fucking allergic to it than the aot fandom#like omdddddddddd have a day off man isayama isnt gonna suck you off#aot
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Lil doodles and things from the past few weeks or so
Also maybe sliiiiiiightly suggestive beneath the cut? Jic-
#cotl#cult of the lamb#cotl lamb#cotl narinder#cotl narilamb#cotl bishops#Idk I always like to be safe than sorry whenever something could be even slightly suggestive#so they’re stuck in prison for now#nyways some of these sketches were from before I redesigned my Lambskdkd#thinking about how they mention patching themself up in After The End and the quote wouldn’t leave my head#and I am Very Normal about Shamura’s quotes#I really need to just make a second file so I can experience everything again#also cause I feel bad about sacrificing Ratau in my main/canon playthrough ):#besides all of that uhhhh just more Timeskip stuff#Leshy continues to be an agent of chaos#little acts of intamacy….. hmngh#and then the saga of Narinder Being Mad Fana Is Taller Than Him 😩
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i NEED to yap about personal shit i gotta get it out there somewhere
#AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#also i really have to shit but my brother is in the bathroom i am going to kill myself#OKAY OKAY UHH HHHHHGH UHHHHH#OKAY . MY DOG GOT HIT BY A CAR YESTERDAY RIGHT. CONTEXT. THERE IS A CREEK BY THE ROAD IN A RAVINE THAT I WAS SHOWING A FRIEND#AND THE DOG IS ALLOWED OUTSIDE CAUSE SHE NORMALLY DOESNT GO IN THE ROAD RIGHT?? SHE NORMALLY STAYS IN THE#BACK YARD WHICH IS. EXPANSIVE N THEFES A SHIT TON OF LAND WHERE SHE CAN RUN OFF SO I DIDNT THINK THE DOG WAS GONNA FOLLOW#DOWN TO THE CREEK. BUT SHE DID .? AND ENDED UP GOING IN THE ROAD BUT SHE LITERALLY NEVER GOES IN THE FUCKING ROAD#WHICH LEADS ME TO BELIEVE SOME1 PURPOSELY HIT HER BUT ANYWAYS. I TOLD MY MOM CAUSE I.LIVE WITH HER N I KIND OF HAVE TO#AND SHES JUST SO. ough. o don't even know how to explain it. AN ASSHOLE??#SHES ACTING LIKE THE ENTIRE THING IS MY FAULT AND BEING A HUGE DICK ABOUT EVERYTHING. .I ASKED IF THE DOG WAS OKAY THIS MORNING#AND SHE JUST FUCKIN WENT "no viktor of course she's not okay' AND LIKE ROLLED HER EYES?? WHAT THE FUCK????#SHE GOT MAD WHEN I WENT TO PET THE DOG N SAID SHE WAS SCARED OF ME?? SHE WASN'T????? SHE WAS ROLLING OVER SO I COULD PET HER#istg my mom thinks everything is my fault and shes just a huge dick all the time EVEN MY BROTHERS AGREE WITH THAT SOMETOMES#AND SHE CLEARLY FAVORS THEM#so long story short im very worried for my dog but too scared and pissed off at my mom to actually do anything about it
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here's a tip for anyone who might need it: if you're upset about your community being called "cliquey" while only associating with people you consider to be on your same "level" of content-consuming, you are part of the problem. hope this helps 🫶
#you don't have to be friends w everyone#but you also can't sit around and say 'god there's no new content'#there is! it's just not from your favorite creators#if it's not your taste that's fine and perfectly normal#but please don't go around acting like only your word and that of your friends is The Word yk#anyway#there's so much to talk about when it comes to this but that's a very long post to make#and i am simply a guy eating mango#so i will not make it today#ty for coming to my ted talk love y'all#byler
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Astarion Ancunin from Baldur's Gate 3
Yes I fell into Baldur's Gate what about it ;-;
Also link to the speedpaint under the cut~
If you check it out then thank you so much 🥺👉👈
youtube
And I hope you all have a blessed day 🙏
#astarion#bg3 astarion#bg3 fanart#astarion fanart#baldur's gate 3 fanart#astarion art#astarion ancunin#fanart#my art#dawnbirdwhistle#i am very normal#about this man#ofc ofc#also already on act 3 of my second run#and I started the game 3 weeks ago 😭#like someone. someone help me lmao#speedpaint#youtube#speeddrawing#digital artwork#Youtube
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This is Herbert West about to experiment on Jeffrey Combs. The concept originally came from @heliojip on here. He hasn't released his image yet though.
I had begun jokingly brainstorming how Jeffrey Combs would react if he was transported into the Reanimator universe and met Herbert. I think he'd escape with his knowledge of how horror movies work and how to act if you wanna be the survivor, and then go eat some keebler fudge magic middles (discontinued). Then Herbert would find him and Jeffrey would have to make up a reason why they look so similar, and he'd tell him that he was his REAL biological dad; the sperm donor to his actually adoptive father. Anyways if you want more of this headcanon tell me, it was fun
#herbert west#jeffrey combs#tell me if i should tag this in any specific way#reanimator#re-animator#tell me your ideas for how theyd interact too if you want#but a contingency in my mind is that jeffrey acts very normal. its a good contrast to herbert and a way to avoid making this weird#unless its already weird. write to me your thoughts!#i used 4 ref images to get this right. im glad i put in the effort#the surgical table doesnt fully follow the ref image but whatever. i still think it looks really good#i shouldve timed myself!! i usually do darn.#i am MOST proud of their faces/facial expressions/likenesses#herb still looks like herb even tho i exaggerated his mouth and nose#just a little but i also wanted to draw relatively realistically#its kinda fun#you have more lines to make a person look like themselves#and of course i love drawing weird perspectives#i also like the lines of the way i drew their hair. especially jeffrey's#dunno how to elaborate on that tho#tell me exactly your thoughts. critique is welcome
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image I.D. below the cut
image description start:
[a promotional picture of Sam and Dean Winchester, Sam on the left and Dean on the right, their images from circa 2010. They both stare challengingly into the camera with their arms crossed, though Dean also holds a large blade. The background is a two lane blacktop with an older style of power line and corn on either side. At the top and bottom are flames. Sam says "im restricting", Dean says "and im bingeing" and the flaming text gif at the bottom reads "the eating disorder brothers.]
image description end.
#theyre both so unwell#grew up in a financially unstable environment and coped opposite ways.#and i left it broad on purpose bc theres a lot of ways you can interpret their weird shit about food#bc i too am deeply unwell i counted every time sam eats on screen (not sits next to a plate of food–actually puts it in his mouth) and its#22 times. less than twice a season. i realize this could be in large part bc jared didnt want to have to act that but im choosing to Believe#not in him but my mentally ill agenda. bc you wanna look at me and say that hes totally normal aboht this when he has a guilt complex#autonomy issues a holdup with purity/cleanliness a boatload of self-loathing and an obsession with control.#and this feels familiar so just message or comment for credit or removal :)#i dont mean to plagiarize#also i didnt talk about it much but. dean definitely sees food as an assurance of safety and turns to it when under duress to the point of#excess. and also gets very specific and protective/territorial about his food.#so.#this is a silly meme but there are so many thoughts behind it#sam winchester#dean winchester#spn#ed mention
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still haven't moved on from zane in this episode (aka I hit tag limit again and am unhappy about it)
#alek insanity#not gonna main tag this but prepare for a tiny rant#home is actually really good zane characterization and its super cool to me how it holds up to this day#s1 characterization is very specific to me because the behaviors displayed by the ninja there (mostly) isnt bc thats how they really are but#its due to societal pressure. cole originally being more 'stone faced tough guy' -> 'down to earth' -> 'really sensible easy to talk to guy'#is because hes always been a sensitive guy... but he felt he couldnt express that true version of himself. thats the whole thing behind his#true potential. jay going from s1 -> s6 -> now is less of societal pressure and more teenager figuring himself out but it still applies. ish#seeing how much the ninja have changed or grown from then to now is amazing because back then they all wore masks. they didnt know each#other all that well. but theyve gained that comfortability with each other and also have grown and matured as people#some seasons / eps characterization for certain people im not a fan of (lloyds random misogyny arc in s13) but i mean the overall trend here#and then there is zane. zane in home was pretty dead on to how he behaves now (at least... when it comes to his faults?) and i dont want to#say people skim over that but i am the sf proclaimed n1 s1e2 fan and overthink every scene. zane's early characterization is some of my fav#for him period. he also goes through a ton of traumatic stuff and a ton of bad writing bouts but why he acts so 'weird' or 'distant' has#always been a thread sewn in. he changed so much he stayed the same in a way... if that makes sense. -> ohhh the ninja get mail and he#doesnt? oh he has no family? he quite literally walks away from that situation. oh the ninja are yelling in his face and asking whats wrong#with him? he literally walks away from that situation. he says its to follow the falcon but seeing how he apologized to them by not only#baking a ton of pies (cough... the food fight is what led to him leaving at first) but he also found them a whole entire new house.#zane is unable to truly value what he does for others. insert him in s11 saying he 'tried' to fufill his goal of protecting others.#everything he has ever done still isnt good enough. then the ninja tried to apologize and he didnt really... let them.#that one post about characters putting on facades and that facade being how people really see them. even in fandom. thats zane to me#the guy who lies about being upset and avoids his problems ran away after being yelled at? and he said he wasnt really mad? that is a lie!!#him being a ~360 when it comes to his character development is neat to me because he never hid behind a mask in the same way the others did#cole wanting to seem tough vs being really soft? kai wanting approval so bad he starts being selfish? kai isnt selfish usually!#he is self centered but that is a whole different thing. just wanting to fit in and breaking free of that. zane's true potential came in the#form of 'i finally know why i am not normal' instead of 'i will be my true self'. zane never pretended to not be weird#(instert book) states he literally didnt know why people got mad at him. he just existed and it was 'wrong'. the mask he hid behind was#avoidance. he was pretty open about how he actually was (most of the time). when he was upset he would audibly sigh and walk away lol#but for him saying he wasnt upset / saddened by the ninja... it felt like a moment of selflessness. if that makes sense. he blamed himself#for the monestary burning down. so he didnt deserve the apologies (ish) in the virtues of spinjitzu zane is shown as the generous one iirc#he puts the needs of others over his own. he will bear whatever burden he needs if others are happy. at that same time he doesnt allow
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Sparrow Oak-Garcia is the second best kiddad after Terry Jr. I'm so not sorry.
#if sparrow oak has no fans i am dead#sparrow: *fuckign breaks a dudes neck* the kids: “is he ok?” sparrow without missing fucking beat: “yeah hes fine”#he comforted scary while respecting her boundries and not pushing when she said to stop#hes the only one of the kiddads keeping his shit together rn and acting like an adult#he called Lincoln boss kicks which was funny and hilarious#he offered normal a hug but didnt push one on him#“he said he wasnt proud of normal hes literally the worst dad” stfu he was DRUNK and doodlerbrained and lark has said worse shit while sober#also normal very obviously was suprised about this information#meaning that sparrow has NEVER made normal feel like he wasnt proud of him before that point#sparrow oak supremacy you heard it here folks#sparrow oak garcia#sparrow oak#dndads#dungeons and daddies#dndads s2
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does anyone else make more out of their relationships than they actually are or is that just me?
#like#i am very emotionally repressed and have hella trust issues#so it's really hard for me to get close to people and/or let THEM get close#so when i tell people things about myself that most people have no problem sharing#(like my fucking name for instance a;lkds;lf lmao or where i live or what i do for a living etc)#to me that's a huge step. to me that's opening up.#but i always forget that to THEM it isn't#so i put way more stock into things than i should#i build up our relationship in my head more than i should#because i really do FEEL so much but it's so hard for me to show it#so sharing pieces of myself is kind of my way of showing the love i have for people#or doing things for them#acts of service and all that#so i always feel closer to people than i'm sure they do to me#and sometimes i forget that we're not as close as i feel we are#and i put unrealistic expectations on people#and then i get reminded that hey it's just me that feels this way and it just...idk it sucks#and it's through no fault of the other person. really. it's all me and my plethora of fucking issues lol#i just wish i knew how to NOT be like this. to just be fucking normal and not be so closed off.#so afraid of human connection but also at the same time DESPERATE for it#for someone to just SEE me and want to put in the effort it's inevitably gonna take to REALLY get to know me#to show me that i'm as worthy of that effort as i know i should feel#ugh idk why i'm posting this here just in my feels i guess#ignore me
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trying to be okay...just gotta make it for two more days...two days and the week is over...
#we aren't doing very well#don't know why#just arent#doesnt make sense since#good weekend#grades are fine#classes are fine#trying to stay upbeat and act normal but#don't really feel like talking much#is that a lie#i don't know#emotions have been all over the place all week#feel really great and then really dead and#shouldn't be alternating that fast that's probably not normal#am i just acting that though?#we don't know#made fun of us again today#peers were talking about illnesses and#they brought up a personal one#started making fun of people who had em so#we told em to stop#started making fun of me#they shouldn't say things like that though#not that anyone listens to me#they dont like me much#think it's cuz we skipped up but might also be for personal reasons but#yea we're#not doing so well right now#delete later
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been trying to figure out just how i am going to explain how wildly my brain has been altered since the last time i saw my therapist && it make me realize all of this has happened in 1 month,,,,,,,,,,, it feels like . eons. eternity . in the best way possible
#normally everything feels so short#my anxiety just speeds me through it before i can even take a second to enjoy or even experience anything. everything is a dusty blur#but ive been ok#i've actually had good times ive mayb even started 2 feel close to a person for the first time in my life#feel safe w them#anxiety cant get me when im in their shield bubble#listening 2 em talk n even just Exist like woag ur the best thing in this whole world#just bbzbzbzbzbbzz#of course there r also the Horrors that do come w it just due 2 my avpd but . it still feels so different#and i like to ignore those because they make me feel like a monster i am not jealous noo i am so normal i am very normal#i am beating my jealousy side with a stick and i Will win#i have never and Will never act on it#if i ignore it they cant b real#also i do know it's illogical whihc helps#honestly though im used 2 it because ill get jealous if like . a stranger is nice to me and then is nice to some1 else. like oh. oh it was#all a rouse u want me dead u hate me#and it's like. homie. pal. that is normal. they're not abandoning u theyre not trying to set u up for humiliation#theyre just living their life#it's kinda weird tho because i will get feelings like that simultaneously with knowing i am Nothing i am a Horrid beast no one deserves to#even have to see#and knwoing i am not allowed to care about people and there is no shot in hell they will be even nice to me#so it;s just . a lot of things swirling constant;ly#painful emotions all around there is no joy#(except for rn. with them. i can b free from my brain)
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