#BRAIN IS FULL OF A LOT I AM TIRED

[nukenai]

My job is a little boring and they could pay me more I guess, and we've been insanely slammed with work since like, last July, and it hasn't let up at all.

But idk. I've been there for I think 6 years now. And I just think about things like how the manager of our department keeps making sure we know she's paying attention to how hard we're working. And has told us a million times not to break ourselves with getting more work done than usual, and to just do what we can every day, because "we know you are not robots and I will not entertain any expectation that implies otherwise" (cool actual quote)

And then I think about how the morning Oma died, I texted my supervisor, and she replied in regards to bereavement stuff, "I will handle everything, please don't worry about it". And then a few days later I received a care package from upper management with a personalized card expressing condolences for the loss of my grandmother, along with a candle, some hand lotions, and a stuffed dog. Apparently this was because my supervisor told upper management about it, and they decided to do that.

I hear so many horror stories of jobs that are awful about shit like that. And it's like, I tell my supervisor "I have to leave early today because xyz thing with animal" and she'll be like "hope everything's alright, just let me know whenever you're back!" with no further questions. Could I find a job that pays more? Probably. But would it be a job where I can work from home with my animals all day, and I really feel treated like and appreciated as a human being that means something? Probably not.

In one meeting when I expressed slight frustration over being called into a meeting because my production metric slipped, my supervisor immediately went off on a tirade about how much she appreciates me, how good of an employee I am, how I always show up and never call out and I'm extremely reliable and good at my job, and how she loves seeing pictures of Sammie in the Teams chat and I'm a joy to the team...

And I was like damn Amy I'm not quitting I was slightly annoyed LOL. But it was nice to hear, yknow?

Sorry I just saw an awful instagram reel where a woman's boss was terrible to her after her mother in law died and it hit me hard. I'm forever sending everyone I love (that's you if you're reading this) the best vibes ever and I hope you can find a job where you get stability and feel appreciated. Even if it's a little frustrating sometimes.

oh also they let me switch to a 4 day work week so I have an entire day off on Wednesday and also we have like infinite overtime available and I'm not doing anything else but making tons of extra money! lmao (the overtime is not remotely pushed. it's just like. hey who wants it. and like, i'm gonna sit on my ass at a computer anyways!)

[sunfloweraro]

I am asking about your book!

I love your fic writing, so I’m very excited about the prospect of a book!

What’s the plot? Who are the main characters? Any fun lore details you’re bursting to share?

(Also November in Australia is evil, I’m dying, how are you holding up?)

YES okay so:

The plot:

Edwin, heir to the throne and very-soon-to-be king, is sent on a quest by his father to prove himself a worthy future king: he must journey far to the west of the kingdom and defeat a terrible evil threatening the kingdom. With the help of Meghan, a royal knight in training, Atla, a physician, and Soarn, an archer, he sets out on this quest, but the longer they travel together, the harder it becomes to keep secrets hidden. And when they finally reach the end of their journey, they discover this great evil isn’t all that it seems—and neither is the king.

The characters (AKA more detail of the above):

Edwin:

- my prince character! He’s 19, almost 20

- Speaks relatively ‘proper’ initially, until the others infect him with their speech patterns

- autistic

- Disabled, but no one except his immediate family know of it. There was an accident when he was 7 which wound up with his leg being crushed by a statue, and even though he’s healed now, it’s permanently weakened and causes him pain, either from flare ups or when he uses it too much (or both!) He blames himself for the accident.

- Best (and only) friend is Meghan. They’ve known each other since they were 4-5 and are extremely close. No romance between them, although Edwin had a little crush on her when they were very, very young, before he found out she doesn’t like men. They laugh about it now.

- Related to the above note: he also gets very jealous when Meghan is with her other friends. His father never allowed him to make other friends—Meghan pushed her way into his life anyway.

- Terrible at taking care of himself. Forgets to eat/sleep a lot

- Does not have a good relationship with either of his parents, but he is desperate to make his father proud, hence why he so readily accepted this quest.

- Used to have an older brother. When a prince from a neighbouring kingdom visited, he and Edwin hit it off quickly. Edwin snuck him into his rooms to keep playing, and when he fell asleep, the other prince stole his master keys, snuck into his brother’s room, and smothered him with a pillow. No one ever believed Edwin when he tried to share the truth. He very much blames himself for his brother’s death.

- Cannot fight for the life of him. Uses a dagger for self-preservation, but again, not good at wielding it

Meghan:

- My royal-knight-in-training character! 19 years old.

- Best friends with both Edwin and Atla

- Comes from a family of scholars. Her parents have aided the king many times and her mother is one of his trusted advisors. She was expected to follow in her parents footsteps, but she prefers to protect from the front lines, and pushed to get into knight training. Her parents do not approve of this

- A handful of months before the book starts, she ran away from home due to her parents attempting to tear her away from her training. They had a fight, and she never went home. She lives on the streets and can’t bring herself to tell Edwin when he’s already got so much on his plate

- Silly, smart and strong, she’s determined to enter into the royal guard and keep Edwin safe when he ascends. She worries about him a lot. She’s also very soft!

- Butch lesbian

- Determined to protect others to the point of self-sacrifice, and is not kind to herself when she fails (which comes from her parents never accepting this choice of hers)

- She tends to have trouble listening to others—once she sets her mind on something, that’s how they’re doing it. This causes issues between herself and Edwin later on, as well as with Atla.

- Miiiight get a teeny crush on Soarn, until she realises the other girl is aroace. (Edwin has the same issue, and they both laugh about it together)

- Fights with a sword primarily, but can use anything as a weapon in a pinch

Atla:

- My physician character! Their age is… ahem. Technically 18, but their body has been in the world for over 300 years. I will elaborate below.

- They’ve been training under the head physician since they were 13, and excelled to the point where they are now one of her assistants. Very useful on this quest.

- Nonbinary!

- They have godly heritage on their mother’s side, giving them golden eyes, hair, and two golden wings upon their back at birth. They were a cherished secret in their village, bringing good luck and always eager to help their community. They took to healing quickly, using magic granted to them from their godly wings to mend broken bones and nasty gashes. However, a terrible man found out about them and moved to the village, befriending them swiftly. They played together in the forest often, until one day, the man led them into the forest and tore their wings from their back. He then buried them alive to get rid of the evidence and used the magic from the wings to trick the kingdom into accepting him as their leader. He also uses the feathers from the wings to stay alive for far longer than any human should

- 300 years later, the gods bring Atla back to life, feeling their unfortunate ending was unjust, and Atla is deadset on revenge, but they have no way to get close to the man who killed them… until this quest is shared with them, five years after they were brought back to life

- Their wings were not brought back with them, and they now have chronic back pain where their wings used to be

- They were taken in by two loving mothers into a massive family, and they love their mamas, but… they miss their first family, and their village. But that’s all long gone now

- Best friends with Meghan, and would kill for her if need be (“I’m a healer, but—“)

- Can speak to animals. No one else knows this yet

- The cook of the group! They cook a lot of old family recipes to help themself feel close to the family they will never see again

- Fights with a hammer! A lot of rage piled up within them from their unjust death and then consequential revival.

- Has… ulterior motives for being on this quest.

Soarn:

- My archer character! She’s 17, almost 18

- Transfem! and aroace!

- She is a Desikah (a race of magical folks in my book who look similar to humans for the most part, but also… a little off. They each drift toward a certain type of magic at birth (fire, water, earth, shadow or light) and very few may wield two kinds of magic. Soarn herself is an earth- and light-type Desikah. The Desikah are very much hated due to a terrible reputation built up by the king (and maintained using magic) and hunted if they are ever caught. But they’re actually a very peaceful group, who care deeply for the world around them and everyone and everything in it.)

- No one but her father (human) knows she is a Desikah (from her mother’s side) and she will not tell anyone for fear of being slaughtered

- Has an animal friend! Her name is Maipa, and she is a Felivus (think, a cat with the back legs and wings of a raven), a magical race of creatures known for their healing abilities and intelligence. (She and Atla talk a lot). Soarn saved Maipa when she was just a kit, mending her broken wing, and Maipa imprinted on her and will stay with her through thick and thin, until death

- Her mother passed away when she was young, and her father is very cold towards her. He taught her how to hunt, however, and she wields her bow expertly, her connection to the earth aiding her in shooting true and striking her prey every time.

- She joins the quest later on, saving Edwin from a blow from a bandit that would have ended his life. She and Edwin do not hit it off well initially (entirely on Edwin’s part) but they both have terrible fathers, and they bond over that.

- She does not have a lot of self-worth initially, due to her father and the terrible community she grew up in. (the others will bash self-worth into her eventually).

Fun lore details:

OKAY SO. The king is clearly a terrible man, but it’s much worse than you think. Hundreds of different races of magical creatures used to roam the land, until the king used the magic in the feathers of Atla’s wings to cast a massive spell upon all humans in his land—one that imbued a deep hatred and distrust in any magic. The creatures were hunted nearly to extinction and banished from the lands. Why did the king do this? He felt magic of any kind was a threat to him and his rule, and he is very much a power-hungry, evil man.

Some magical creatures still live in the kingdom, one most humans don’t know of at all (Atla knew of Felivi as they were around when they were first alive). But most have been forced to other kingdoms, or into hiding—there is an underground community of thousands, hidden away beneath the desert, that the king has no idea of. And they would all love to get revenge on the man who forced them out of their homes :)

(And thank you for asking! November has been MISERABLE. We’ve been hopping between wet and freezing, and then scorching hot and humid T.T I, naturally, have come down with a cold because of the jump in temps. Hoping you’re handling it better!)

[morningmask27]

Tonight, right now, not even ten minutes ago, might have been the closest I got to an outright hatecrime

[sysig]

It always seems like such a good idea in the moment (Patreon)

The first four are in reference to a great idea I had of - since I’ve finished my lower-limit page number testing for making books; shorter fics take up less page space, and just increasing the font size isn’t as handsome! - simply making a mini book! All it would take would be to halve the pages again, right? Just cut them right down the middle! Easy peasy!

As I’m sure you can tell by the second, no. Not easy peasy. Difficult painful un-fun >:(

Obviously I still did it tho! What do you take me for, someone who could have the idea of an even tinier book and then not do something about it?? No It’s also the only one so far to have a paper bookmark rather than a ribbon!

All told it’s a bit smaller than your average manga (I love the monochrome covers on these under their dust jackets haha <3) - you can see even with effectively doubling up the pages by halving their size, it was still very small-spined!

A quick shot while it was still being made hehe ♪ It’s Out! Paired here - and the earlier one, just without its dust jacket haha - with my Zarla SC2 collection (ft. Family, Negotiations are Going...Well, and With No Obligation) - I absolutely kicked myself after the fact for not including Out as the run-up to everything, I was really trying to make a full collection in probably-chronological order! Out would’ve been a perfect start! And it only would’ve taken like four pages!!

Ah well, it was still quite a learning experience - I probably wouldn’t make another standalone of under 4k-ish just for formatting reasons but I did get some good ideas of how to do so if I wanted to! Although, my next project is going to be even more of a formatting nightmare........I’ll get there when I get there! Lol

[pocket-size-cthulhu]

It's getting to the point where instead of being encouraged, I just get pissed when people tell me their friends' success stories with getting jobs as software devs without formal education.

Everyone is like "oh yeah my friend did it without a degree, you can too!" And I'm like ok how did they get past the auto rejectors that won't even look at you if you don't have a degree? How good were they before they were hired, and who supported them while they educated themselves? Or who agreed to take them under the wing and give them a chance even though they were green?

I know people are trying to be encouraging but it's starting to feel less like "I believe you can do it" and more like "if you haven't done it yet, what's wrong with you?" They'll be like "you don't need a degree to succeed, just a willingness to learn" and I'm like, I know that as well as anyone, but to the people responsible for making budget decisions, I'm too much of a risk. What do I have to show for myself to them?

Like at the end of the day it just feels like either these folks were super lucky or I'm super unlucky and either way, hearing their stories doesn't usually help or encourage me. I'm fighting an uphill battle here trying to convince folks who think we're in an economic downtown, that a US-based junior developer is a good investment. Yuck. If you don't have anything helpful to say then at this point just don't say anything 😭

[tamagotchikgs]

i am still so weak dude even just using the trackpad on my laptop for a minute or maybe even less to scroll on tumblr was enough to make my arm tingly nd numb

[oscargender]

to knowis to be loved and to be known is to b eloved. I want transgender friends who will know me and love me in a way that cis people usually do not

[bistaxx]

Honestly, knowing this event is (presumably) ending on my birthday is already the best gift I could ever get

[hellfireeddiemunson]

i have bad melted soup brain today and i hate it

[cutearose]

okay but how do you ask for help when your childhood makes you feel guilty for needing help and the help that you need feels rude to ask for

[flutterby5]

.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[earlgreytea68]

Okay. It's time for an AI rant.

My nephew is 13 years old. Whenever he writes a paper for school, I check it over and fix all of his mistakes for him. He said to me, "Maybe I'll proofread your paper for you in exchange," meaning one of the scholarly articles I write for work. I said, "Cool," and gave him the file. And he said, "Well, this is full of errors! See, you always say you have a lot to correct on my stuff, and look at all the stuff you got wrong!" And I said, surprised, "What? Where?" Because I'm sure there are typos in the draft I sent him, but not, like, that many.

And then he pointed to the screen and said, "Look at all the blue and red lines you have."

And I said, "Yeah, but those are wrong. Like, those are blue and red lines I'm ignoring because the computer is wrong." And then I paused and added, "You know you can't proofread a paper by just looking at the red and blue lines, right?" And he gave me the blankest look, because that clearly is EXACTLY what he thinks. And it became even clearer suddenly why, whenever I correct something on his paper, his immediate reaction is, "It didn't have a blue or red line."

There's a very good reason for that: THAT'S BECAUSE THE COMPUTER ISN'T SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW THAT IT WAS WRONG.

I am so tired of being sold the idea that computers are better than humans and so we should just outsource everything to them, which is clearly the lesson my nephew is absorbing in U.S. middle school. COMPUTERS ARE NOT BETTER THAN HUMANS. Like, maybe they are better at humans at crawling through rubble to find people trapped inside. They are also better at preserving things in a searchable format. Things like that. Very limited circumstances.

I don't want to sound alarmist but everything I hear about people using generative AI freaks me out. It's not just that I'm freaked out by people being like, "I use it to write novels!" (Although I don't see how they do, I have tried to have it write fiction for me and the output was truly terrible.) But I recognize my bias around creative writing and so no one needs to credit my views on artificial writing. But! Other things are alarming, too! "I use it to brainstorm x, y, or z." But...why? Why not just...use your own brain...to...brain...storm? The computer doesn't even have a brain to brainstorm with! And you might be like, "But it comes up with things that my brain would never think of!" So would other people! You could also brainstorm with other people! Or even through Google to see what other people have thought before you (not AI). Please don't belittle the wonder of thinking.

I just feel like the marketing around generative AI boils down to "Wouldn't it be easier not to use your own brain to think about things?" Everyone. No. It would not be. Please just trust me on this. I'm not just an old person who is out of touch with technology or something. I promise. USE YOUR BRAINS. IT WILL BE OKAY.

[cheswirls]

hhhhh i wanna finish sickfic soon but idk if it's productive to work on that tonight

[renniferno]

i am not my body

being this weird. meeting of so many disabilities and being queer on top of it has done some really fucky things to my identity and concept of self.

My thoughts on what makes someone who they are as an identity is that it's all choice. You are who you CHOOSE to be. You decide if you like or dislike something, from things as simple to taste in music, all the way up to where you stand on global current events. (I'm not getting into any of that right now, that is not the point of this post.)

Like, who I am in as much as who I have decided to be is someone that tries really hard to make a positive impact on the lives around me. I try to compliment people if I see something worth complimenting, like an outfit or makeup or how they've done their hair. I try to smile when I accidentally meet eyes with a stranger. I try, very hard actually, to be a force of what I perceive as 'good' in the world.

Take that, and wrap it up in also all the choices that make up taking care of myself. I want to be able to have a positive impact on the lives around me, and to do that, I have to be a minimal type of functional. I need to eat or my body breaks down. I need a social life or my mind breaks down, etc etc.

But then you throw in these things that people see as me but are not choices: I did not choose to have adhd. I did not choose depression, or anxiety, or ptsd or the events that lead to it, I did not choose to have a body so full of errors in the code that it is literally falling apart.

So I have this disconnect from who I am and what my body is like. My body isn't me because my body wasn't my choice. There are things I can do to change parts of it, but I can't fix that I have a genetic disorder that said 'hey fuck your connective tissues.' or that my body will attack my intestines if I eat gluten.

I accept that my body is mine, in as much as it is the only way I have to interact with the universe, but it isn't me. I use it to move around, I use it to converse and create, but it's a tool. People see it and assume they see me, but I really don't feel like they do.

I look at my body and see something to hate, something that hurts and moves incorrectly sometimes and does things it shouldn't. I see an identity that people have assigned to me, but not myself.

I feel like other people look at my body and see things that they assume is me. They don't feel the way it malfunctions, they don't know that I can feel my knees grinding together with every step, they aren't in my head when the brain fog kicks in.

It's infuriating because they're using the same senses as me to determine the correct and polite ways to address me, but it really does feel like they're talking to the body, and not me. They see the body as part of who I am, and that's not their fault.

But I am not my body. I'm just the pilot. I don't understand what makes people feel like a gender, fuck, I don't even understand what gender is. I know it's an important part of identity and that people feel very strongly about it, but I have no real way to work the idea in my head. Gender feels like such a body thing.

It feels easier to think of it as a meat mech I have to keep functional as my only point of interacting with the universe at large, something that enables me to take in information.

I didn't really have anywhere I was going with this other than 'im agender because i identify as literally anything other than the meat of my physical form, because i am the choices i've made and the actions I commit myself to and not the broken down form that is my only way to interact with the world' in this weird overlap between disabilities and queer-ness.

and it can't even eat normal bread. like. c'mon. you're going to make me deal with all that AND take away sourdough english muffins? what the fuck.

[autistic-shaiapouf]

Covid update, the vice grip pressure headache is gone, I was able to get out of bed without issues today, I actually slept through the night, AND don't feel feverish anymore 😤