#Asking for help can be a challenge...
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Pokemon, Japan, and Neurodivergency
So, ever since I heard (recently) about Satoshi Tajiri having a special interest in collecting bugs (and is confirmed to have autism), this got my interest piqued for the new game(s) of Pokemon (mostly Violet for personal reasons). ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You see, ever since my diagnosis of ADHD as a little kid, it felt like I was the last person on Earth who had it. However, when she was alive, my mom was the only person who understood what I was going through during my struggles.
From before to middle school, I was medicated for it. But, ever since they increased the mg on it, I had my first dizzy spell in my middle school library. When I told my mom about it, she weaned me off of it. Ever since I lost her at age 12, it felt like someone hit a huge reset button and I had to start my life all over. High school wasn't easy with it, either. It felt like I only had one nice teacher; my History teacher. Of course, this may be a bias due to History being one of my favorite subjects (Art and Reading). But I believe that it's more than that, I had a teacher who never berated me for showing signs of ADHD.
Unfortunately, I had to change schools because the staff knew that I was struggling, but they didn't do anything to help. Of course, I've felt saddened having to say goodbyes to my friends, but what's done is done...
During my first enrollment in this new school, I was a little nervous and afraid that it would be a repeat... But it wasn't! I actually felt accepted! No, more than that. I felt normal without even trying... My own version of "normal". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Now, you may be wondering "What does this have anything to do with Pokemon Violet?". Well, it has something to do with the headcanons of the students being neurodivergent.
1.) Nemona - There are some headcanons of her being on the spectrum because battling is her hyperfixation and she simply wants to share it with the people she truly cares about. Also, she may have some physical therapy for her arm due to her brace/compression glove.
2.) Arven - "He's off in a flash, the second something new crosses his mind". Stop me if that sounds familiar... Also (depending on the version of the game), he has mother/father issues and his Pokemon/dog being sick/injured (and maybe at that age...), we could tell that he truly cares deeply for his emotional support Pokemon...
3.) Florian/Julianna - Since we're playing as these characters, who's to say that they're not as neurodivergent as us?
In fact, who's to say that Naranja/Uva University has the majority of neurodivergent students with understanding/supportive staff?
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Now for something serious...
In Japan, having an open and honest discussion of the importance of mental health is considered taboo. Instead, they have a store that sells syringe charm necklaces, pill capsule earrings, and T-shirts with words like "Sweet Death" or "Please, Help me!" in Kanji and pastel glitter. The main reason why they refuse to talk about it is to "save face" (or "to avoid embarrassment"). Think about how it was never easy to bring up our neurodivergencies to others...
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With all of that set in mind, I believe that playing video games that have support characters with unspoken neurodivergent behaviors and main characters who fit into the "silent protagonist" trope is the only way for people like us (neurodivergent people who are afraid to ask for help due to personal reasons) to escape the harsh realities of the fact that we KNOW that the world isn't made for people like us.
#Pokemon Violet#The concept of the origin of Pokemon#Nemona#Arven#MCs#Florian#Julianna#Asking for help can be a challenge...#But you're never alone#rant/vent#A little bit of infodumping#tw: mental health#tw: mention of meds and syringes#tw: mention of death
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Beloved Residents of Dirtmouth (And Quirrel 👍)
#hollow knight#elderbug#bretta hollow knight#bretta hk#sly hollow knight#sly hk#zote the mighty#zote hk#hollow knight nymm#nymm hk#hollow knight quirrel#quirrel hk#confessor jiji#my art#fanart#Oh the folks Dirtmouth; how you are able to enrich hope into such a bleak setting#Also hiiiiii I'v been replaying Hollow Knight recently!! I'm already at 20+ hours pfffff#And as a result I simply must draw the characters of the humble game I cherish so much hehe#This has also filled my mind with bees of various headcanons I've just made or I've had for a awhile but never shared#Major one I've had: Quirrel has deform lower arms; he was simply born with them and they don't do harm to his person#They can get in the way and get cut easily; so they're often bandaged for safety#+ Quirrel needs a cane/leg braces to help him walk because of serve leg damage caused by his overexertion while wearing Monomon's mask#In summary; the mask made is so his mind ignored the pain rather than actually get rid of it#Resulting in Quirrel never getting the *true* rest he needed for certain expeditions#He knew that risk and warning before but he forget later after his journey away from Hallownest#And for funnies: Bretta is a hypocephalus armatus!! Finding refs of them was quite the challenge so I hope I got the overall feel down#They have funky little back legs I don't think I quite captured here but the effort was fun!#I have way more for the other characters here but for now I shall have my mouth sealed until asked
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Rey, who is in my very biased opinion, one of the funniest "girls" I have because she's just a guy, truly. Like Rey is just short for Reynold because he was recruited by a a goddess to help the hero she selected and the hero is conveniently Reynold's younger brother. So he agrees to help under the condition that the goddess gives him a female body for the other world. She's like "really odd flex but whatever" and gives him a female form and he's like "you know. I can't really blame anyone but myself for not specifying 'please don't turn me into a Lisa Frank personification'."
#my characters#ya know since i draw daily idk if ill do any challenges this month#i know theres a LOT of them out there but i might hold off and do huevember as a challenge and let this month just be chill#for what its worth he only asks for a female body because his baby brother (like 10 years younger than him)#commented ONE TIME ugh its so weird to have you dote on me like this#why couldnt you have been an older sister or look less suspicious#so when sent to help his brother hes like RIGHT GOT IT GIRL TIME LIKE THE MOST LOGIC COURSE OF ACTION#then does a really good job at helping the hero and then gets abducted by the demon army and#as rey keeps challenging the demons checking on him in the dungeon (who are all very kind?) to just interrogate him already#and they just ask why would they do that? they just wanted her outta the way for a bit#cause they dont actually want to hurt anyone and then the demon lord keeps personally visiting rey and continues#to point out how she gives him a headache and how the core is different than the shell#and so then he offers to revert rey back to his original form and reynold immediately accepts#and so now hes just a guy again surrounded by v nice demons#and hes like please just be mean ive been trained to handle violence you have to stop being nice#im not used to nice ok you have to be mean or else im going to develop stockholm syndrome#and the demons are just ?? we dont .... dont know.... what that is.......... what.....#then he gets engaged to the demon lord and all is well ! he becomes the trophy husband to the demon lord#and the world is saved (it was never at risk)#i have a lot of love for the idiots in this plot#because reynold and sascha are literal husbands thinking oh no my beloved husband is only married out of convenience to meeee#and solei is the goddess who recruited him and is so mad that reynold is more of a gremlin than sascha#like why is this mere mortal somehow worse than THE DEMON LORD how in the world#and reynold runs around just adopting all of the demon army and is like yeah#ill be the trophy husband with a hundred kids and a hot 7ft tall demon husband who can change into a huge dragon#and hes really content in this role!#but for a while he does appear as rey and hates how much of a highlighter he is
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Been LOVING your lil magician folks recently please continue they're beautiful and very cute and cool and also very well-designed!! 🥺❤️
thank you for the kind words !!! im not much of a writer, but i do have some sort of story in mind for them.. theyre bitter rivals who end up as roommates bc of their scatterbrained elderly landlord lol
#idk how much of it im gonna keep or change but thats basically the gist of it ^_^#i dont know if i could ever write a solid linear story bc im very indecisive and tend to change things a lot so most of what i make ends up#very abstract or nonlinear.. just short drabbles or stuff that can be slotted into a general setting or premise#although i do want to challenge myself to try and write some sort of enemies/rivals to friends because i have a huge weak spot for that#dynamic!! i tend to be a little soft on my characters which i think has to do with me being a conflict avoidant person. so maybe exploring#this kind of dynamic will help me experiment with my sense of storytelling. although i cant promise it will be written well lol#im also thinking of making their story part of a bigger world so kinda like an omnibus?? i have another story in mind i think i can fit int#the same canon and itd be funny if theres like a bunch of wacky going ons between different apartment tenants nichijou style#but we'll see!!! thank you for your interest in these little shits!!!!#my art#myart#my oc#oc#presto#shuffle#house of cards#oc talk#ask#doodles#yapping
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CREATORS OF PIKMIN, I HAVE A CHALLENGE FOR YOU!
That means anyone who creates content for Pikmin, the text posters, the artists, the writers, GET OVER HERE! I HAS AN IDEA THAT MIGHT BE COOL!
It's not a competition, it's just a for fun art challenge! (And by art, I mean art as a subject, which means you can do anything relating to the topic!) If you wanna do it, great, if not, that's cool too!
The challenge is... draw yourself, an OC, or a castaway as a leafling! Or, if the OC or castaway is already a leafling, show us them cured! (Or if you just want to draw yourself as a captain lol)
You can also write about the oc/castaway/yourself and how they maybe landed on PNF-404 or how they became a leafling!
Or you can just be like 'lol I would have died on pnf-404 day 1' that's cool too! (And a bit funny. And sad, have more confidence in yourself!)
You can give these leaflings/captains your favorite Pikmin, or treasure, or fruit, or whatever you want! Just have fun!
Here's mine! (Me as a leafling)
#pikmin#pikmin art#art#artist of tumblr#art challenge#for fun of course#no need to participate#though I would appreciate reblogs for this post#I know I don't ask for those at all but I wanna see some of the artist's ocs and shit!#plus if it made me feel better (After I was feeling like shit) then maybe it can help someone else too!#you don't have to of course god no#thank for either reading supporting or participating!#leafling
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the scuvenger has done it. all the pearls
#sunflower rambles#rain world#hopefully the challenge is valid so i can get the scholar role in the rw server#this took me so long. like. 11 hours#not to mention how the dark green pearl suddenly started disappearing in shelters and i had to ask for help#but in the end it got home safe and sound
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Getting real sick of a certain subset of Destiny players complaining that it’s a baby game and crying to Bungie to nerf exotics and abilities when their ENTIRE POINT IS TO BE STRONG in specific ways as if they are being locked into using them.
IF YOU WANT AN EXTRA CHALLENGE STOP BEING SUCH A DPS GOBLIN AND JUST EQUIP SOMETHING THATS NOT TOP TIER META AND STOP COMPLAINING JESUS FUCKING CHRIST
MOOD. Go off.
It's incredibly annoying to me. They always use the argument of "the game should FORCE me to do things, I should not SELF-IMPOSE challenges." And like. ? I'm sorry but what? It's a video game for a big audience, it's here to be playable and accessible to the widest possible playerbase. There are plenty of ways to make the game difficult for yourself, so knock yourself out if that's your thing, but don't force others into it.
Like, I enjoy hard content, I regularly at least attempt day 1 raids, I do master raids, GMs, solo and solo flawless content and all that. But only when I want to. Sometimes I don't and I don't want to suffer in a patrol zone or struggle in a seasonal activity I'm doing for the story. The majority of the players don't want that. Designing games for the professional gamers only has NEVER been a good idea and never will be. Fifty streamers can't sustain a video game. It needs casual players who will want to come back to the game instead of feeling defeated.
One of the reasons I really enjoy helping others is because I know that casual players tend to struggle in stuff that's basic activity for me. I've seen people unable to get through a strike. I've sat for 10 minutes rezing someone who couldn't do the jump in a seasonal activity. I want those people to be able to play basic content without feeling frustrated and I want them to know that there are people out there who will help them out.
And this doesn't apply just to basic content, although it should start with that. I think all dungeons and raids and everything should be things that all players can complete. Fine, doing a master raid with all challenges should be tough, but it should be achievable with time and practice, not impossible. What a lot of these "pros" want is just completely divorced from reality.
It takes days and days of practice every time a new master raid is out for me and my team (all with thousands of hours of playtime) to get comfortable to finally finish it. We're far from casual players and it still takes a lot of time to be able to finish hard content. Making it even harder is insane to me. Like, if something is so hard that my team full of people, each with 5000+ hours of playtime and a coordinated team that's been raiding together for years now can't finish it, that means it's absolutely impossible for probably 90% of the playerbase. That's wild to me. Raids and GMs should have more people playing them. If master raids are too easy for you, Mr. I-Play-Destiny-For-A-Living, that's on you buddy. Unequip the super god tier god roll meta guns and loadouts or play something else.
And ofc, another excuse they make is "if I don't use meta, I am not going to win a raid race!" Then don't. Idk. Let me play you the tiniest violin. This affects literally nobody except a grand total of 50 people. Run your meta in day 1, and play with random shit otherwise. Play raids with all white weapons. Play without mods. Play without a HUD. Do things solo only. I don't know, make up a way to spice things up for yourself. I'm not interested in that and neither are 99% of the players out there. The game is genuinely hard enough for the majority of the players. On top of that, I am here to feel like a powerful space fantasy superhero. I am NOT here to die to dregs in patrol zones. If there's ONE thing that I know for a fact that put people off from Lightfall (as in this year of Destiny), it's the difficulty changes. They're annoying, frustrating and for some a barrier to entry more than anything else.
#destiny 2#gameplay#ask#long post#i really do love helping but i can't not feel bad because once the people i helped are out of my fireteam...#...there's no telling what other experiences they'll have#there's so many speedrunners and people who don't care and people who just aren't helping and are instead mocking others#you can only do so much for a few people you see in activities#this season's activities are super tough. every time so far I've played everyone in the team was struggling#i'm gonna have to start going into altars of summoning with my full support build warlock just to sit in there and help people#istg the 'pros' have to get their loadouts restricted. go play with non-god tier armour sets and guns#equip the same loadout that some casual player has available and let me see you then#this idea that everyone has minmaxed best equipment available at all times is bizarre. please get your head out of your ass#'i have perfectly rolled all artifice armour with perfect stat exotics for every loadout because i have infinite time to grind' okay dude#most of us aren't being paid to play destiny. lmao#'the game used to be hard' no. you got better. you mastered it#why is this so difficult to understand. everything is hard when you first start. 5000 hours later it no longer is#the game is fine. the 'health of the game' is fine. you mastered it and outgrew it#either impose challenges on yourself or find something else#like. when i first started GMs they were almost impossible for me#now i play them for fun. they're still challenging but they're not the same level of hard and I'm fine with that#i enjoy them as content and they're still entertaining#and when a new GM comes out it's a new challenge to master so it'll be hard at the start#as everything ever in the world#if that's no longer enough for you then you just outgrew the game and should probably move on#the only reason why some things used to be hard was poor quality of life that got improved over time#not being able to mantle in d1 is not difficulty. it's just not good design. it was fixed and improved#the bitching about light 3.0 as well. man. just don't use the 'OP' fragments. it's so easy to unequip them#i personally love the variety and all the options i have now as opposed to before#okay tag essay done. fhkajhakfhksjf
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Lena the type of person who would say “unhand me, fool”
i personally enjoy the delightful dissonance of unhand me motherfucker, but yes, absolutely
#it helps that i can hear it perfectly in her voice now#give the adjudicator better lines of dialogue challenge#at this point i'm not sure i wouldn't have preferred her mute#ask me things!#anonymous
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thursday quest - no physical therapy today - make and eat lunch sooooo early but i can do it!!!!! - get ready for wedding - attend wedding! yay! (: - decompress well when i get home <3
#its thursday quest#god i'm so anxious about it autism style. so many uncertainties that i simply cannot account for alone. but i'm being sooo 'brave' about it#(keeping it to myself. except for posting about it)#taxi company hasn't texted me the drivers' details yet and i emailed them to be like ummmm your policy is to pay before the day#would you like to email me the payment details so i can do that? and they were like 'we'll send the driver details soon' ummmm#there isn't much soon left!!!!!!! it's happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!#they're probably just not Organised™ in the way i prefer to be. which is objectively fine it's just challenging for me personally.#i do not think it's Bad but!!!!! i've never taken a taxi before <- guy who Is Scared Of Taxis Specifically but has to face#their fears because they're disabled and have no other choice.#worst case i am down the money and no-one arrives to take me home i guess :P but it'll be afternoon AND my family are there so#in theory i could just get a lift home even though that would mess up other people's plans sooooo bad. UNLESS they have already drunk uhhhh#in which case i guess i'd just ask for help calling a taxi to the place. plany of people who can do such things easily (unlike me)#it'll be fine!!! i can ask my siblings if need be bc they are so niceys and will not get mad at me for being autistic o7#My other worry is being too hot and being in a rush getting ready bc i have to eat a proper meal due to the symptoms syndromes#and we are leaving when my lunch usually is so that's a whole thing. which ALSO doesn't matter and I can do! it's just hard!#where is that post that's like 'managed mental illness can look like absence of mental illness 😅'. NOT saying being autistic is mental#illness i am saying that the specific extreme anxiety i have is for me linked to autistic issues with 'the unknown' and boy. does this#social situation also have a lot of unknown.#BUT I CAN DO IT! and dare i say even have a nice time!!!!! it's just i get so so scared beforehand but i will not express it in a way that#impacts or inconveniences anyone else!!! i can handle it by myself at my house and it'll be fine
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What does it mean to you to have a guy like Ja'Marr willing to say 'maybe you should sit out' but then once you get on the field be fully committed to doing whatever it takes to get open?
Coming into this game I was gonna feed my guy. He was due for one, I knew he was gonna have a big game. Just the way he was talking all week, he was excited to play this one. He showed up big for us, showed why he's one of the best.
#finally reporters asking the important questions!!!#why does it mean to have someone like ja'marr on the team???#someone you've known for years who can and will challenge you when he disagrees with what you're doing!!#but is still willing to support and help you no matter what!!#and then the way joe just stops himself from saying he was planning on this for ja'marr#he knew ja'marr was upset#and he was going to remedy that however he could#the partnership the support the trust of it all!!!!!#i meant to post this earlier but finally i am free i have had people at my house for the last week and a half#go away loved ones i have to bengals post#joe burrow#ja'marr chase
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I don't like that I sometimes need to say it, but:
Don't make plans around someone, as if they are an important part of the plan, if you never planned to invite them or include them.
It's cruel and mean.
#sometimes people talk about “us” doing shit only “us” meant other people and them and absolutely not me#and sometimes people involve me in helping their dnd group make characters that work well together as a team and then dip when i ask to join#sometimes people plan which day “we all” will meet for a game or dnd or a movie right in front of me... but we all excludes me...#its really genuinely fucked up to twist the knife in that way#and im very sure they arent intentionally trying to be nasty and mean... they are just socially challenged or something.#it doesn't excuse the behaviour though#also regard dnd... its not like any of them can say im not invited cause im a problem player or dont rp well or something...#since i havent been invited to join dnd in more than 20 years and none of them knew me back then...
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Some au doodles uhmmmm yeah I made another new au I'm at 11 omori AUs...
#omori au#omori kel#kel omori#basil omori#omori basil#THESE DOODLES ARE RUSHED THEY LOOK SO BAD HELP ME.#feel free to ask what the flip these aus are 👍👍👍#can you tell im going crazy#sporemori basil is so silly like yes king go invent a whole profession at 16!!! go make medicine from a bunch of weeds!!#loopspace au was literally made yesterday and its already more fleshed out than Kanpekikel and Wasurerumori which are both months older#euhh............ guh.... ow.#i accidentally came out to my mom and she still uses she/her pronouns for me???? im cooked!??? (she flat out said she ain't accepting that)#am i a fire and ice kel kinnie.#yeah i am.#ODNS/Omori did not succumb (I said ODSN wh...) is basically after bad ending but Sunny is a ghost and everyone sees him#Rwmori is just omori characters as existing slugcats (also another kel trans au foxett stop making kel transmasc challenge impossible K#headspaced is the videogame thing au thing. uh#I STILL LOVE SPOREMORI SO MUCH THIS AU IS SO SILLY.#sunny au doodle page coming eventually i promise.#and the other characters maybe. Mari's would just be 10 graves and a traumatized Headspaced! rw mari...#oh and Kanpekikel ig. i forgot she survives in that one. unless i decide that she gets the treat of dying again.#oh and technically 2010/007 AU mari is alive but shes probably a Minecraft speedrunner /neg#mari dies in like all my aus what the flip.#anyways!!! uh yeah
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Can you do a tutorial on how your art process is done I’m about to quit on Art everything I make fucking sucks .
hey anon !! My art process is almost non existent cause i haven’t been able to stick to One definitive way and i don’t want to cause i think its limiting. I still have a long way to go for improving my skills and learning new things and figuring out different styles !!
Heres a quickk drawing showing what my “main” process is
This is something i generally have stuck to for most of my posted drawings (i can post things specific to some drawings on a separate reblog ^^ im just to lazy to get pictures of em for examples rn)
Doodle !! I cant visualize shit, and usually have a very vague idea of what id like to draw Or just nothing at all. So I doodle messily with expressive gestures till’ i find something that sticks
choose one final concept/sketch and clean it up a lil so i have a way better idea of what im getting myself into
Base colors cause i hate doing lineart. So i just go straight into colors casue its fun and i like fun!! Right on top or on a diff layer it doesnt matter. I color pick with my eyes and put base colors or anything i think it would be cool. No pressure and it can messy cause I’ll clean it up and figure shit out later
fuck around and find out (rendering ig)—> i cant explain it super well or definitively. I just layer and throw colors on top till im satisfied or Done with it. I flip my canvas a bunch or check my values to make sure the results come out to look more coherent regardless of the mess of color
Im just a simple person and cant handle something that requires too many steps or things that havta be done Just right so this works for me atm. This may not be your jam but finding a process in that works for you through trial an error is just a part of art. Do what works for you!! I think experimenting is so important even if it sucks in the end
(more Words / “advice ?” under cut)
I have so many shitty drawings and sketches and even colored things that outweigh the tiny bits of art i decide to show off
I totally get that creating art can get really discouraging at times; not getting the results you want when you want them no matter how much effort you put in just sucks, but it won’t always be that way :] even if it takes you 10 years to find your groove and see improvement or 2 years, it’ll happen. I find that i’ve only improved when i actively didn’t give a fuck about how my art looks and only cared that i was having fun through it all, and thats hard cause perfectionism is a bitch and its hard to get rid of. You could improve with studies and daily practice for sure but moving towards improvement can be as fun and light n breezy as you want to make it, like taking a break to explore different hobbies or changing up mediums or fucking around and experimenting with it can help !!! Allow ur art to be bad; cause fuck it, at least you made something and thats really really cool. Once you cut urself some slack it’ll be easier to improve upon your skillset and slowly but surely get to where you want
Sorry im a bit tired idk if this is coherent so heres a more direct thing i’d like to say:
Maybe ur art isn’t where you want it to be rn and ik it can kill ur motivation to keep going at it (i’ve experienced this feeling a lot and im sure so have many others). But you gotta ease up on urself and stop worrying about results so you can allow yourself to experiment and have fun!! And its hard getting into that mindset but you gotta keep trying and you’ll find it getting easier
#Im So so sorry if this is nonsense. Its late and i wanna answer this b4 i forget#Ill add on to this more coherently if i rmb later and i have the ability to think more clearly#But yeah. If you really really like art and wanna keep it as a hobby. Loosen up and have fun#Maybe all you end up drawing doesn’t hold up to your standards#But to fix that just let go of the standards!!#You can challenge yourself and set expectations for urself After you learn to have fun and find a process that works#Sorry if im repeating myself im bad with words#But hope this helps a bit :] if you still feel like quitting art anon; take a break for an indefinite time and come back to it when u want#I find that that’s helped me out when im in art ruts#Asks#But im just an amateur artist in it for the love of creating so what do i know#Do what u want forever and let urself make bad art and give some time to grow :]
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Welp. I rewatched Coco so all four of them are back in my head now, all at once this time
this feels dangerous somehow
#help#coco#encanto#gravity falls#the wingfeather saga#the wingfeather saga tv show#peet the sockman#bruno madrigal#fiddleford mcgucket#hector rivera#find pictures of all these sad boys smiling challenge#how are they all making the same expression I-#the BEST boys#LET THEM BE WITH THEIR FAMILIES#*pats them all gently* these boys can fit so much ANGST in them#I wanna make a huge masterpost comparing them all#*hugs them*#sad trash hobos I'd invite to my house#yes there is a crossover with all four of them happening in my head right now why do you ask#'they just need some friends!'
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ཻ۪۪♡.
#i want to learn how to vent healthily#bc i have this incessant pathological need to like share every thought i have#and if i dont i get this restless uneasy feeling in my chest and i get restless and worried and like wtf?#whats wrong w me? maybe it has smth to do w that during my entire life i have never been listened to or been helped#like during my life i've asked for help repeatedly but when i have i've only been dismissed or not believed etc etc#so maybe that translated into my head to just feel the need to share it in a public space.....#bc i used to write rverything in a diary but i filled them too quickly and i cant afford the money or space to do that#so i started using twitter and now tumblr... but that has only resulted in me like feeding into it?#it's not healthy to feel the need to share EVERY thought or else u feel crazy. i also shouldnt focus or dwell on thoughts sm#i do have issues bc of my disorders and anxiety. plus avpd in swedish is literally called 'anxious personality disorder' 💀#so it is in me to be anxious and worried and neurotic#but still i want to learn how to not be fixated on thoughts and feelings (also a challenge bc bpd makes feelings feel all consuming)#if i think smth - that also can be totally untrue and only based on my worries -#i can just think it and let it go. idk have to dwell on it and obsess over it. (im trying mindfulness for years lol)#bc most of my venting is like me getting stuck in feelings and idk why i feel the need to express it constantly?#it isnt worth it. bc actually it has caused rifts and missunderstandings in multiple connections i've had online...#i do feel like venting isnt smth bad.. and i think emotions are PERSONAL and like completely unrelated to truth and other ppl#but i get it.. esp when u only know eo online and dont know everything going on in eo's heads#then u only get that as a full image when it isnt the whole picture#so like idk. i WANT to be able to get a healthier outlook on it.. bc this isnt working#both bc of myself and for myself but also in relation to others#and like. why do i like never see anyone else on thmblr/twitter that post EVERY thought like me???? (i dont think its wrong to do bc *i*#have a different pov on it and idc abt other ppl's vents but .. yeah idk why do i do this but no one else does it at the level i do?#so idk i've just been thinking of this lately bc yeah.. yeah i just dont know i dont know.... :///#i actually want to be able to not ruminate and get stuck in it but idk how to break free?#plus expressing positive emotions & thoughts is terrifying to me like idk why but i cant????#why??? i feel like im undeserving of good things that i cant even express smth nice bc im like .. i dont deserve to think/feel that??
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so there's a trans woman who goes to the centre and everyone calls her by her birthname which she is like... fine with but only because she has no choice but to be fine about it. anyways I've known her for a while through a trans group before the centre so I asked her today if she'd rather I call her by her birthname or her chosen name and she said she prefers her chosen name but I can call her by her birthname if I want and oh my god I was about to cry for her bc god I really feel that whole situation fjdkdl, I just told her "no I WANT to call you by the name you prefer, that's why I'm asking, I want to make sure it's safe for you if I call you [preferred name]" and she seemed so grateful and I'm just :') eeurrgghh i hate how we have to be grateful with crumbs !!!
its just absolutely wild to me that she's presenting femininely and wears skirts and dresses and everything and uses her preferred name when she writes her name down on stuff and yet everyone at the centre calls her by her birthname and he/him pronouns. like. how are people so fucking rude and oblivious ??? she's even worn a she/her pronoun pin to the centre like.... people are so fucking stupid about trans people I stg.
idk I'm just hoping to make her feel a bit more comfortable and maybe if I start calling her by the right name and pronouns then everyone else will too eventually because I know she doesnt feel safe correcting people. I'm not going to make a big thing of it obviously bc I don't want to put her in danger but I will be using the correct name and pronouns now that I've double-checked with her about it, and if I start feeling like it's making things worse for her then I'll check in with her again at that point. I've honestly been stumbling trying to use he/him for her when I mention her to other ppl because she is just... she/her in my brain. it's what I know she wants to use so it feel fucking awful to use anything else !!!
#and my counselor said smth abt her that rly didnt sit right with me#but i was too scared to challenge her on it and ask what she meant by what she'd said#it might just be that this woman talks too much and will talk my ear off if i let her fjfkdl#and then i wont make friends if i just sit with her every day like i was doing the first couple weeks#but smth abt the way she said smth more like... ''getting sucked into all the stuff [she] has going on''#but said in a more... eugh way#idk it set off transphobia alarm bells in my head. ''ooh man wearing a dress who thinks he's a woman how crazy and perverted'' sort of vibe#I'm just... worried. that my counselor is transphobic lmao. I haven't talked abt any of my gender stuff w her#she can she/her me all she wants lol I don't talk about gender w mental health professionals ever after that initial exp a few yrs ago#I DONT KNOW THOUGH THIS IS JUST RLY MESSING WITH ME#LIKE WHY ARE PEOPLE BEING SO WILLFULLY OBLIVIOUS ???#its really fucking upsetting and I've been trying to not let it get to me too much but jesus fucking christ c'mon people 😭😭😭#im hoping i can maybe help change things for the better bc I'll be someone on her side#since she doesnt seem to have that there. god I've cried abt this a few times bc its just awful#and it rly reminds me a bit of my own situation where i just. grin and bear the misgendering and wrong name#except im a coward compared to her fjdksl i never mention my name or pronouns#i will say though that she has consistently misgendered me no matter how often I've reminded her of my pronouns fjdksl#but like... they/them is difficult. i get that. I can't hold it against her esp bc she's in her like 50s or smth#head in my hands. i wish life were kinder to all of us. i hope one day things can be easier#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#transphobia#transmisogyny#<- for blacklists. i uhhh hope this doesnt turn up in searches but oh well !!!
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