#i want to learn how to vent healthily

[bunnihearted]

ཻ۪۪♡.

[calamitydarcy]

i dont even know how to like. ask people for comfort or attention or reassurance or anything. like historically i get yelled at and/or ignored no matter what i say

[stealingyourbones]

Ok, I've kinda had this idea for a while but a precious ask about the clone dad Danny brought it back to the surface.

What if YJ season 1 Connor meets a 16-17 yo Danny after a bad mission and just starts venting to this small town super? Like he's tired of everyone trying to play nice when he's angry and wants to punch something and instead of trying to make him feel better he just listens. And it works. Conner goes back to the mountain feeling lighter and less grouchy and the rest of the team just think the night air cleared his head some?

But then he does it again the next time they have a bad mission, and then the next, then eventually he starts visiting Danny just to talk about things he's learned and stuff he wants to ask about but can't with the team.

Eventually the team is like "where does he keep going?" Cuz every time he comes back from a walk he's in a good mood, so they follow him and find him and Danny in a park in some small town just stargazing.

It doesn't have to be a romance, could just be a friendship, but I just think it'd be an interesting way for Kon to get his feelings out and for Danny to be introduced to the team that isn't by collective adoption.

Oh this is very sweet.

This could absolutely just be a Danny and Kon just being two pals who use each other for mental support.

It absolutely also could be the start of a slow burn romance. Kon is slowly learning how to healthily vent his anger and Danny is just really happy to have a friend who has no other ulterior motives. Danny uses a bit of the psychology information he gained from Jazz to try his best to help give Kon some tips and ideas on how to properly interact with people and how people work in general.

[ravenwitch45]

What would happen if Striker joined IMP if he was a good guy? It's an au.

Oh okay, the coolest part of this idea to me is that it nearly happened in canon. Blitz fully offered him a job and that only fell through because of Striker being contracted to Stella and trying to fulfill that, so let's get rid of that pesky hen's involvement and explore a little on what I feel could happen with this AU

Striker joining I.M.P as a good guy AU

Now let me get one thing clear off the bat, Striker is still kind of an ass, He and Moxxie still get off poorly, he's still very boastful and cocky. The only difference is he was never contracted, so no actual murder attempts this time, he accepts the job and everything is hunky dory.

Also I'm conflicted on if Blitz would want him to join in on the company car pool to work, and all the scenarions that could work with, or have Striker ride Bombproof there everyday so there's a horse around. Choose which you like.

I have a feeling if he kept bullying Moxxie, Millie would eventually come to his defense, no parents around to scold her this time. So he learns to back off and be nicer to his co workers, no reason to make people who have your back in tough situation mad at you after all.

He and Blitz get along the best, after all he's the guy he really synergized with during the festival, becoming a bit of a common duo on missions. Also he has a horse which we know makes Blitz like anyone a bit more.

Not sure how his and Loona's relationship would be, she seemed cool with him so maybe she's less standoffish to him, maybe calling him over to show him something funny on her phone, idk seems like it'd be a cute little friendship.

Now if he apoligized to Moxxie, and chilled out with the teasing, I think they could be decent friends, talking bout gun stuff and music, since they both seem to like those things, Maybe something more if you want a Strixxie situation that's pretty wholesome, either way I think they'd grow to like eachother.

With Millie her only problem with him here is him antagonizing Moxxie so if he settles that she's okay with him, I can imagine they sometimes talk about her family, mainly venting since they both knew them, and while Striker seemed cool with them, I feel he'd still get her frustrations a little, plus there both Wrath grown Imps it seems so theres also something shared to talk about.

Now with Stolas... Well I feel good or not Striker wouldn't be the biggest fan of royals, as it seems to be big part of his character so he sees Stolas as a necessary thing for the book, and prefers him not to be around. He's standoffish if they interact and Stolas hasn't a clue why, and just awkwardly walks off, though eventually I think he'd see Stolas is just as much a victim of the system as he is, and he chills out, after all I also feel for the sake of another thing I feel happening here they probably should.

Speaking of that, One thing I feel very strongly about in this AU is I think Blitz is going to ask Striker out eventually, since he clearly liked him and was attracted to him, and without the falling out I feel he'd ask him out. Cause if theres any kind of universe Stritz would work healthily, it's this one.

Now interpret how this goes anyway you want, Striker could just politely decline and they remain friends, they try it out but find they don't work, or they get together long term, I feel any could work here. This doesn't disqualify any other ships tho so have a big happy polycule with the cowboy involved someway. XP

Now I could go into how Striker would work in the other episodes he just wasn't in, in canon, but this post is long enough so I might make a part 2 for that if you want it, in the mean time let me list off some random scenarios I thought up.

Striker misplacing his hat and getting the whole team to help him look, Moxxie tries to give him one of his in the meantime but it just isn't the same to him so he's still grumpy untill they find his actual one.

Whatever situation he had to house Bombproof falls through so they try to find another way, and get into shenanigans along the way.

The whole company get's treated to a fancy dinner (Probably by Stolas) And Blitz insists they go as a team bonding thing, but it has a strict dress code and Striker refuses to wear anything fancy and without his ragged hat (Blitz and Millie end up having to wrangle him into a suit)

Also in general he's just a grump when they get him to try new clothes XP

Striker discovering Blitz in his apartment constantly, and dealing with the same stuff M&M do. To the point he puts rope traps around, and it blossoms into a full goofy war between him and Blitz on who can outsmart the other. Ending with both tangled up in the traps, and they have to call M&M for help

I hope this was a good list of ideas for this kind of AU. Personally I really like the idea of a Good/Redeemed Striker, as I like him a good bit, so this was fun, also even if I don't personally ship them, the ships with Striker with one or some of the I.M.P members I've seen some cute stuff in passing, and this AU seems perfect for those.

[gurugirl]

Guru! Angel love!! I've been slowly catching up with your writing and it's so good. I've been way behind but now the project I'm working on is over so I have time to breathe finally. I also subscribed to your patreon because I adore you and what you write.

The Trapper was so sweet. That was such a good story and I've never read anything like it before. I love your brain. Maybe Fate might be the cutest thing I've read. Harry is so hot. Also??? Ex boyfriend's dad? I'm obsessed. So looking forward to seeing the next part.

How has your week been? How is school? I know you said you've been busy with a class. I think you're killing it! Keep up the good work!

I'm also here because I want to vent. My girlfriend and I have been together for three months and two weeks ago I missed one of her texts to me. She needed me to pick her up but I didn't see it because I was with my brother (skipping boring details) and she was so mad at me. I didn't see her text until later that night and at first she was mad and wanted to talk about why I didn't see it and accusing me of things that were just not true.

And I thought we were working it out but now she won't call or text or anything. I'm devastated. I know I should just move on. Her anger toward me was unjustified and the sudden silent treatment is worse than her being made. I don't know what to do. Logically I know what to do. I've been giving her space but now this just feels mean. I'm so sad.

Sorry to dump my issues on you. I just wanted to get it out. It's been very hard on me not knowing why she's not talking to me anymore suddenly. I mean I get the argument we had but I thought we were moving past it and she believed me when I told her what happened.

Hi babe! First of all, thank you so much! This is so nice to hear 🥺 I appreciate your support so so much. The Trapper is one of my faves too 🥺 And I've just been loving writing ex-boyfriend's dad harry! So happy you like them!!

As for your girlfriend being upset with you over something you didn't do? It's possible she has trust issues and this is her problem to get over. It's not yours, even though you are being directly affected by her insecurity.

However, the silent treatment is cruel and manipulative. It's totally fine for someone to need space to think about something but to keep it up is abusive and very damaging to a relationship. It means she isn't mature enough to understand how to communicate issues properly and healthily with you. If she really wants to keep you in her life she'll speak to you about the issue but it sounds like after her bout of anger she may still not believe you and therefore is now stepping away from the relationship bc silent treatment will very very quickly erode your trust as well. I think a lot of people see no harm in such a response but it's used to inflict pain and maybe she's looking for an apology from you which it doesn't sound like you owe her.

Check out this article by PyschCentral to read in lay terms about the affects of being ignored and given the silent treatment. I had this article on hand because I'm finishing up a psychology of communication class and this is a source I used for a paper I wrote a couple weeks ago. There are also links to studies within if you want to take it further.

Babe, we've all been given the silent treatment but for it to go on for this long is very hurtful. Last time this happened to me I recognized what they were doing, gave them many chance to speak with me, and then cut them off before it did more damage to me (I also apologized at one point even though, upon learning why they were giving me the silent treatment, I hadn't done the thing they thought I did - so their manipulation worked on some level). Don't allow your girlfriend to make you feel this way. You need to take care of yourself first. Your mental health comes first. I'd step away and try to move on if I were you. If she comes to you to talk, hear her out but she owes you a massive apology and it sounds like she has a bunch of maturing to do.

Good luck, babe!

xoxo

[circulars-reasoning]

Kindness and Anger

Look.

There is a major issue right now, in syscourse, about being too kind.

It's funny for me to say that -- after all, I'm the "respectability politics" syscourser, am I not? (And no, I have literally never forgotten that label being shoved on me). And the thing is, I really try not to be an asshole in syscourse, or overly pedantic, or just flat out mean -- because I'm a nice person, for fucks sake.

But that still doesn't negate that anger -- and yes, the occasional unkindness -- is needed. This constant shoving down of anger, this constant ridicule of passion and heat, is leading to a lot of incredibly traumatized people being incredibly hurt. Case in point: Me.

What follows is sort of half trauma dump, half vent, and all parts frustration that I'm trying to let out healthily. If you'd like the short version:

TL;DR: While syscourse can be harmful, it can also lead to a lot of joy. It can lead to new understandings. People telling me to back off, to not take it so seriously, are undermining a lot of that and echoing a lot of my past trauma. We should all be more willing to understand the impact these discussions have in real life.

I shoved down a lot of feelings these past few months. Shocker of all shockers, seeing lies being spread about myself and the people I love and the places I've worked to curate sort of pisses me off! But the message from everyone around me was "ignore the trolls, don't pay attention, don't engage--" And it promptly became translated into, "You aren't allowed to openly feel bad, and anyone being upset is a bad thing that needs to be fixed." I don't think this was intentional for many people. They were worried about me hurting.

But the issue was, these people -- traumatized people who have repeatedly been taught that their emotions are harmful -- were telling me that my emotions were harmful. Unsurprisingly, I suddenly was shoved back into this role of looking at and moderating every emotion.

I unmuted every vent room in every server I moderated for (and those I don't). I obsessively stalked many blocks I had blocked, simply to ensure I could brace myself for whatever thing might potentially upset someone else (not even myself -- I didn't care about those emotions). I even forced many of my friends -- the people who were watching me get hit and harassed and battered down every single goddamn day, who were worried about me, who wanted desperately to speak out against the heinous goddamn shit I was experiencing, who they themselves were experiencing -- to stay silent and bottle up their own emotions too.

You know what that all reminds me of?

Being available for those venting reminds me of that time I made sure notifications were on the night a friend sent me a suicide note -- one they later admitted was completely false, that they just were bored and wanted someone to talk to, and that would get me the most engaged. I was stressed by finals but instead of studying or taking care of myself, I stayed on the phone, texting with them for 3 straight hours, bawling my eyes out in fear. I was 18, and I never really grew out of this. I still sacrifice time and energy for people that not only don't deserve it, but who manipulate me into being there for them, no matter what. I don't know if I'll ever heal from that mentality.

Stalking the blogs I had blocked to make sure I knew everything, all of the time, no matter what? What a shocker for someone who memorized the squeaky spots on the floor, made sure to eavesdrop while walking silently through the house, learned to hide in the bathroom where they thought I couldn't hear them, made sure to open the window just a crack so I could hear them outside. To this day, I try to know everything, try to have google on hand, just in case someone asks me for more of my "somehow encyclopedic knowledge" on everything. People rely on me for that. I'm connected to everything, so nobody else has to be.

Making everyone else step back? How inventive, a traumatized person isolating themselves. I forced every single person around me (just like I always do) to pretend it was all fine, because if it wasn't all fine, then things would be bad, and if things were bad, I would melt down, and it would clearly be my fault, because wasn't it always, somehow, in the past?

(I'm still the most sorry about this one. I'm still trying to swallow that guilt and shame I have for letting it get that far, for hurting the people I love so much, just because I convinced myself I was just being stupid for being hurt, like I was always taught in my abuse. I'm so sorry to those of you who I forced to stay silent, just to keep the peace. You deserved so much better.)

Suffice to say -- it took removing myself from a lot of spaces for a cold shock to my system, splitting and not being able to be myself for a straight month, for me to even recognize this is what happened. It was so normalized for me, all my life. I had to emotionally regulate my parents, so it made sense that I had to emotionally regulate everyone else -- particularly when I was one of the people who was hurting.

All because "We can't let ourselves appear too angry -- that's not healthy for us."

As if how I became was healthy. As if the ball of anxiety and health problems I became, as if the nightmares and triggers I was experiencing were healthy. As if losing months at a time was fucking healthy for me. It took me until recently (and until today, writing this post, editing it, and reviewing it while panicking that I'm going to ruin everything if I ever post this) to even realize just how badly this hurt me.

I'm still flinching when I express a negative emotion to my partner. I had gotten over this. I had gotten better. Stabilized. But these past few months, forcing myself to be silent about my pain, forcing myself to not talk about anything negative... I slipped back. I let myself buy into the idea that my anger was ridiculous. That being so passionate was harmful. And look, Lord knows I've been vocal about how syscourse has hurt me. There were so, so many times where my anger took over, where I let myself become a person I look back on and cringe at, because that's just not who I want to be. But there's something called a window of tolerance -- or, as my queer ass therapist calls it, the rainbow of tolerance -- where you find a middle ground. You don't go to either extreme.

And I see a lot of major syscoursers lately (whether they consider themselves major or not) going to one extreme or the other, in their own ways.

In one camp, we have the polite overlords of kindness, hiding every shitty awful thing they say in a veneer of positivity and rainbows. Remarkably, no matter how nice something sounds, or how passionate someone is while being polite, it doesn't make it true, or somehow less harmful.

In another camp, we have the most obsessed goddamn people alive, raging about every little thing and making a post every 5 seconds about every little thing. The rage could be quiet or loud, but it's always just constant stirring of drama. (Looking at you, anti-endos posting incessantly recently about how much they hate endos...)

In yet another camp, and possibly the thing I want to address the most with this post, is those who are brushing syscourse off entirely. It's gaining more and more popularity nowadays. "How are you all caring so much about online discourse" types. "This isn't changing anything" types. The ones who insist that REAL activism happens in real life, and that this is so niche and small that it doesn't have any real impact to "just go and scream on tumblr about your feelings."

This is the one that's hurting me the most, right now, as I look back at a few years of being in syscourse. Because I managed to buy into it wholeheartedly these past few months. I managed to convince myself that this thing -- this place I love, the people I love -- were all wrong, and not only that, but were somehow self harming via this. That I was hurting myself by caring so deeply about misinformation, that I was actively self harming and encouraging others to do so, simply by engaging.

First and foremost: yes. Syscourse can absolutely be harmful. I am not trying to suggest it isn't. I have literally never suggested it isn't, and have vocally said it is harmful, multiple times, across several blogs.

Secondly, and far, far more importantly for this discussion: Syscourse can be beautiful.

I'm reminded of how I met a very, very dear friend -- @justanothersyscourse was the actual blog I'd talked to at the time -- and what I learned in that moment. I was sitting in a Covid testing line, terrified out of my wits, as a part who could barely comprehend anything he was reading online about disorders and dysfunction. He was trying desperately to understand, mostly because he had always been strong before, and now he felt so weak, being the way we were.

And he reached out to this major syscourser -- someone who seemed so angry about "something that's only online," about such a "niche topic that doesn't relate to the real world" -- and asked him, plainly, what was wrong with him. What was making him the way he was? Was everyone right about dysfunction and distress? Did he have to hate who he was just to be real?

And the overwhelming answer was, "No, and you are loved, because you exist, and you deserve it for that reason alone."

SAS didn't say as much in so many words -- actually there were a lot more words and sources thrown about, as well as olive branches all around. It burned me inside to reach out to him (he was anti-endo, after all, and I was not), but he still reached out to me with respect and kindness -- even if he sometimes acts immature, or rudely, or with language that would make a sailor blush.

I came out that day somehow feeling better than I had in years (despite, yes, having Covid). Because finally, a part of me understood... I wasn't broken. I didn't need to hate who I was, this fragmented self I was, because that's not what the criteria meant.

I want to ask each and every person who looks at syscourse with a disdain and dismissal, or who feels the need to post some swarmy holier-than-thou post about how above it they all are, or to remark on how everyone is too passionate and needs to take a step back, regardless of where they're actually at...

How in the 9 hells can I agree with you when I've had these experiences?

Again. I've been hurt by syscourse -- I feel the need to keep mentioning that, just because I know some of you fuckers are going to take this all to mean that I love syscourse too much, and that I'm too supportive of it, or god forbid that I'm fucking self harming by finally opening up about all of this. But the fact is, syscourse has helped me understand so much more about who I am, about the disorder I live with, and has led me to other avenues of research I never would've looked at otherwise. I've started studying Jung -- someone I had ZERO interest in before recently, I had to research far too much about him for my English degree as it is -- all because of the "Studies Proving Endogenic Systems" list I've been working through. I've started buying up self-help textbooks, because syscourse caused me to understand that my experience with therapists was NOT the norm, and most people DO need to work on self-help, and i wanted to understand their perspectives.

How is this not impacting people's lives?!

Of course I'm going to take this seriously. I take it as seriously as I take my teaching. I might not be changing the world, or changing laws. I might be working within a flawed system. But at the very least, if I can make one kid's life better -- give them someone like them to look up to, to relate to, who can give them the ability to make their own choices and learn more while advocating for myself --  then it's worth it.

And that's what I aim for in syscourse. If I can make one person -- singlet, system, plural, collective, whatever have you -- understand themselves or others a little bit better... Is that not, in it's own way, activism? Is that not, in it's own way, changing the world?

And if the answer is "no" then... what the fuck is the point of communication, or socializing, or trying to debate anything, anywhere?

Ugh. Lord, I've rambled so long, I can barely think about everything I've written. Bullet points time.

Syscourse can be harmful, and I won't say it isn't. As someone who has been obsessed with it in the past, who has used it to harm myself, and sometimes still does -- that harm doesn't go away on its own.

Syscourse is also beautiful. We CAN have good conversations, make close friends, and learn more about ourselves through these discussions.

If we don't try to combat that misinformation that's in this space, if we don't try our best to heal this space, then how is it ever going to recover?

I am a person that exists in real life. Syscourse isn't just a chronically online thing -- IT DOES have an impact in the real world! Stop devaluing passion and heat and anger just because you feel like you're so much more above it because you are clearly the person who knows better than everyone else, simply because you "Cracked the code" and somehow figured out how to syscourse unharmfully (newsflash, asshole, so did a lot of people -- it's just not in the way you agree with).

Let yourself be mad. Let yourself be impolite. Don't let it completely overtake every moment of your day, every second of your life, but fucking let yourself be mad. It's okay to be upset!

I don't know how so many of us managed to forget that along the way.

[kingnin64]

Long post incoming

Coming to Tumblr for this because:

formatting rocks

birdapp character limit is pathetic

less people will see me vent

I'm sad about my sexuality:

I am struggling to be happy with the fact I am aroace. It's hard knowing that there's this thing I want so badly, something I really want to feel, but I'll never be able to properly feel it. The feeling is fleeting or never there. My consistency is atrocious, and I've lost things I really cared about as a result of my own rollercoaster of my romantic feelings.

The feeling is never there, except for when it randomly is, on an extremely rare occasion. And, the one time I've been truly confident I felt it, it quickly deteriorated into the same numb sensation I've commonly felt when thinking of romantic love. I've not stopped feeling bad about it, regardless of how much I've tried to cope.

The issue lies in the fact that, despite being aromantic, I still want to love. I still have something there that desires that romantic attraction. I loved being cared for romantically. It was incredible, and genuinely the happiest I have ever felt. But it's like some days I wake up and feel like love is not a concept that exists. And when that happens, it really, REALLY hurts me.

I start to feel like I am not a good romantic partner. I am just someone who is leading someone on. I am not present enough, I am not as committed, and it feels like I am "falling out of love". That, in turn, makes me feel like I am hurting someone again. The idea that someone could love me and I wouldn't love them back, after everything I said during the moments I actually felt *romantic* makes me feel like a terrible person.

I know I'm not, but it still hurts me thinking about it to the point that I eventually call things off. Then, I regret it. At this moment, the feelings slowly come back. I don't know if that's because I'm thinking about the positive feelings or if it's because I made a mistake in leaving. Like, maybe I just timed it very poorly.

Regardless, I feel awful. I am so unbelievably sad that I cannot feel this thing I want so badly. It always feels like a bad idea, something that will inevitably end in more hurt, all because of some uncontrollable feeling.

I know I should learn to love my sexuality and be proud of it, but at this point, it has started to feel like a sick curse. From what I've seen, typically, aromantic people have been content without a romantic relationship, it's just not something they care too much about due to being uninterested in romance in general, I think. I could be wrong about that. It just feels so good to me, the whole "uwu romance kissy kissy you're my partner" thing. I love the talking for hours, the butterflies, the warmness in my chest, coming to the brink of passing out because of an incredibly cute conversation, the lovedrunkeness...

It makes me so sad that I am this way, but this is not to say being aroace is invalid. I am just looking at it in the same way I hated my depression, which is a very unhealthy way to look at it. There's this thing I will never have, a thing I really want, something that has made me so happy, and that makes me feel sad.

Thankfully, the last romantic relationship I will probably ever have ended healthily, with a surprisingly mutual feeling. Had there not been a mutual experience at the end, I probably would have felt so much worse. Thank god for platonic relationships and that secret third option. I'd be entirely lost without it. To say this in the worst way I can, I just wish I was "normal". I often think about what it would be like if I was.

Thank you for reading, and please don't take this as me saying aroacespec people are invalid. I am only upset that I am arospec, because I really feel incomplete without a thing. It is entirely valid to not be interested in that thing. I have the interest, but I also have the lack of the romantic feeling required for that interest. That hurts. I doubt I'm the only one, but I've not seen anyone talk about this personally yet.

[bigbrotherben]

This is gonna be my vent/rant mega post, I'll just add whatever when it comes to me, don't read

I need to look into medication, I cannot keep living like this.

It's like I'm on a tightrope, and there's no hope for either fall.

And I've never been good with balance

Sometimes I think that if I wasn't raised Christian I would have turned out right? Like, I wouldn't be literally delusional if my parents taught me anything other than "you will always know what is right or wrong" when I was growing up I wouldn't...

I want to explain what I have, how I see the world, what makes things take so long to think about.

But I won't, because I am scared

Another trauma I can tie straight to the church, thanks for fuck all pastor Seth.

To be fair, it sounds insane, it sounds like it is a thing made up by a kid for attention.

Waking up every day knowing existence is wrong to do sucks.

I am overworked. Completely.

I wish people liked the things I made

I wish I liked the things I make

Whenever i feel like I'm a good part of something, I fuck it up. I cannot keep living like this.

Part of why my mental health is so bad is because I made a breakthrough, only to be proven wrong.

I have spent so long writing my essays and my stories and just keeping them hidden, just privately hidden someplace. Always thinking "oh I shouldn't share this people won't like it, people won't care about it."

And I have finally started a writing project that I post publicly, really putting it all on the line.

And yeah

People don't like it

People don't care about it

I should stop trying, I'm never going to be anything but some poor motherfucker, full of ideas, screaming them into the void, hoping someone will care. I cannot keep living like this.

It's dead. Of course, so I got back into roleplaying.

It's like I'm a fucking masochist, begging the world to step on my ballsack.

But instead of my testicles, it's my creative drive that pops.

I think I'm just bad, I think the problem isn't people around me not caring, I think it just sucks. I just suck.

I should quit Resonant Beats before the project is hopelessly infected with my shittiness infusion.

Honestly I think roleplaying is gonna make it worse, because it loops right back around to people not liking what I write.

I should stop being alive, it's really more hassle than it's worth.

Feel like shit, but did it, it's done, and now I know.

Don't try writing again, everyone hates it, you useless fuck.

Why don't you do it, it's practically all you think about these days, you're a non functional pile of pulsating meat that feels pain at every second. You're pathetic.

Even getting back into roleplaying proves it, people don't like what you write, they ghost you. Over and over. You are bad at writing, you are bad at talking, you have no positive qualities, you should be dead.

All you can do well these days is plan your own death, but you're too much of a non committal coward to actually do that either.

What the fuck do you do when the story leaves your intentions, when you wanted to try saying "Hey actually you can make friends and improve from where you are" accidentally turns into "no actually trying just makes it worse you should self isolate now" because like, the first one was my plan with Lagnox, learning to Love people around him healthily and forming long term relationships, learning that there's more to life then the rush of risking death. But like, that's not happening, shit's kinda just getting reinforced for him, his friends don't reach out first unless he screams and basically begs, one of them is fucking encouraging self isolation and his obsessions, to the point where I can't think of a tournament ending where he lives, and worst off he's gonna die unhappy, he now knows that there could have been more to life then what he's had, and that he'll never get it. And it's genuinely fucking with my real world emotions so much that I'm considering dropping him entirely.

Hey Ronnie if you see this, the timeline is clear, and the end is right before I left that server I've started thinking about killing myself every day again, I'll never be good enough for him, and the longer I go, the more he'll see my flaws

[agirldying]

hello! kind of venting i guess? feel free to reply tho it's kind of mumbling

should i just stop thinking about trauma at all? i'm doing better than ever and better than anyone i know who dealt with trauma but i can't help wanting it to define me in some way. and it feels wrong or selfish, like i'm romanticizing it. and i hate the way it is for me, i feel like no one deals with trauma the way i do. i'm just heavily detached and i remember what happened as facts rather than events. like yeah he did this and that to me but it's like i wasn't there. and even when i'm okay sometimes i want a false excuse to act like i'm struggling, because somehow it makes people 'special' to struggle (i know it doesn't but the thought just kind of lingers). even writing that i know i could just stop but i act stubborn about it. sometimes i think it's just boredom? when i'm bored i feel like diving into trauma. and just now i spent a good hour reading your asks about csa and i don't struggle the way people do but i did at some point and it's weird to know that time is gone. like i numbed myself over time by exposing myself to such strong feelings and they just faded inexplicably.

Hi anon,

It's possible to healthily acknowledge the ways in which trauma has impacted or changed you, and so to a degree I think it's okay to feel that your trauma defines you (I certainly feel that way). But it's also important to remind yourself that your trauma is not all you are. Yes it may impact or explain a lot of things about you, but you are also a complex human being with facets independent of your trauma.

I don't think it's necessarily fair to you or what you've been through to "stop thinking about trauma at all". In recovery, it's not really about forgetting or avoiding it, it's about learning to engage with it in a healthy way. In the Babadook, it ends with the monster residing in the basement, instead of occupying the whole house (the mind). The mother goes and feeds it a bucket of worms, and when the Babadook screams at her, she goes to scream back but takes a breath and calms it down, then slowly walks away. I think it's a great analogy for managing PTSD - what happened doesn't necessarily "go away" but there are ways to cope with it and live on.

Every trauma survivor handles their trauma in their own way, but at the same time please know you're not alone. I can strongly relate to the emotional detachment from your trauma, and recounting it matter-of-factly. From my understanding, I feel like we almost repress our emotions because they're a large part of what makes the trauma so unbearably painful. But, like my therapist tells me, your emotions are part of your story, they're part of the truth. I know some people will say things like "facts don't care about your feelings" as if they're two completely separate things, but in reality, how you felt during your trauma and how you feel about your trauma are facts themselves. Saying "I am sad" is a fact, for example. So I think it's worth exploring how to bring those two concepts together.

But I also want to say that there are good reasons why our brains repress things. Usually repression is a defense mechanism, much like an airbag, to protect ourselves from damage. So I think it's also crucial to take your time in working through your emotions (or lack thereof), and not force yourself to feel. While being in touch with your emotions can mean that you have the ability to experience painful emotions such as anger or sadness, it's worth the joy you can experience too. You deserve to be able to express your emotions, in whatever way they come.

I understand what you're saying about wanting to be seen as struggling. I think a part of that is sometimes just wanting to be adequately acknowledged as a trauma survivor, because when we're in a recovered state, you start to lose touch with that identity. And while it's good in a way, you also lose something too.

I also totally understand consuming potentially triggering content seemingly out of boredom. At least in my experience, I acknowledge this as a kind of self-harm behavior, because in my case I feel like I do it to try to feel something, as depressing as it sounds. I know it's easier said than done, but it might be good to limit how much triggering content you consume, for your own mental health and recovery. If you are to do so, just take baby steps and allow yourself to shift gears if it starts to bother you. Just remember that you don't deserve to be triggered, and you do deserve to exercise healthy coping mechanisms as you recover.

I hope I could help. Please feel free to comment on any of this, and otherwise just know that I'm here for you if you want to talk about anything.

[gaemkyuu]

Happy Valentine’s Day Daddy

Warnings: none! A/N: This is my valentine’s day entry for @cherrymaybank ! Back to back posts about Charlie, Riley and little Emerson! We do talk about the potential to having another one in the family, but I’m not sure if we like the trio as it is... do you guys want to see Dad!Charlie with a new born and an 8 year old daughter? Disclaimer: This is a FICITONAL writing piece! In no way do I claim characters in this piece act this way in real life.

Masterlist *now taking requests ;)

Happy Valentine’s Day Daddy

Riley emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet, Charlie rushing into their ensuite to help hold her hair back. He soothed her back and got her a glass of water from the sink. They had gone to the clinic yesterday to confirm whether or not she was pregnant, since she had been nauseous and throwing up a lot lately. The drug store pregnancy tests were negative, but then again the same thing happened when Riley was pregnant with Emerson. She was normally irregular and active, but grew up with the doctors always saying she would have fertility problems. Emerson came to her as a shock.

“Mommy?” they heard their little girl call out from the hallway, and Charlie got up to intervene before she saw her mother.

“Hey Princess, bad dream?” Charlie scooped Emerson up from the hallway, feeling her heaviness set in. Emerson was 7 and soon to be 8, but Charlie wouldn’t pass the opportunity to pick her up. He didn’t want her growing up too fast, although mentally that ship had sailed.

“No, I had a weird one” she hugged his back and laid her head on his shoulder. “Can we have a midnight snack Daddy?” that’s when Charlie noticed the clock in the hallway read 1:13AM. He contemplated it for a moment, thinking about how Riley wouldn’t approve, but she wasn’t there to stop him and she would appreciate him distracting Emerson.

“Sure, you get the cookies and milk. I’ll be down to help with plates and stuff.” he set her down and kissed her on the head. Emerson looked up inquisitively at him and then back at their open bedroom door. Charlie noticed, and turned her around, gently pushing her towards the kitchen. “Mommy’s fine, just a tiny upset stomach. I’m gonna go make sure she’s good, so don’t eat all the cookies without me” 

This made the little girl giggle as she made her way to the kitchen. Charlie went back to check on Riley, who had her back to the wall adjacent to the toilet. She looked better, less pale, but still exhausted. “You want me to help you up?”

“No, I think I’ve got another round coming in a moment or two. Emerson okay?” Charlie nodded, taking the glass from her hand and refilling it. “Let me guess. Another round of Gillespie’s Midnight Munchies?”

“What can I say? She’s super persuasive” He passed her the glass and she scoffed before taking another drink. “She’s got me wrapped around her fingers”

“Well then don’t let me stop you! You’re princess awaits!” She made a flamboyant gesture of hands referencing her daughter, grateful for her acceptance of Charlie in her life. Riley had to admit that it was helpful to have Charlie around! 

Since the wedding, Riley had made the decision to homeschool Emerson. It meant that she could play with kids in the neighbourhood, but do schoolwork at her pace. Riley was able to work a lot more from home and with Charlie’s acting hours, it meant that he could be home a lot more too. She was often in charge of setting up Emerson’s curriculum, but it helped to have Charlie around. She knew Emerson was learning because she would hear her daughter teaching Charlie the concepts that she went through that day when he would get her ready for bed. Emerson often expressed that she liked doing this more than what they had been doing before. Occasionally, she would go to a daycare program when both of them were busy, but Charlie often brought her to set when he could.

Riley smiles fondly the first time Charlie brought her to set on a project he was working on. She snapped a picture as they walked through the door, Emerson wearing a pretty dress, Charlie in his comfy clothes and a pink backpack that was way too small hung over his shoulder. They walked hand in hand to the car and waved goodbye to her. The time that the two spent together did include a lot of shenanigans and sometimes being outnumbered or out voted, but Charlie never let it get out of hand.

***

Emerson’s lip quivered as her mother shook her head no. She wanted ice cream, but Riley had refused because of the cotton candy she ate earlier. Emerson didn’t take a nap and woke up early, and more sugar would mean a bigger problem later that day. Not wanting to take no for an answer, Emerson asked Charlie, who also agreed that she should forego the ice cream. 

That was the straw that broke Emerson’s back.

Riley had never seen Emerson tantrum so bad before, especially since her toddler was known to be very mature. She was used to her daughter clamming up and refusing to talk to her until she was ready, but that day was a completely different experience. Here she was screaming and crying, insisting she deserved ice cream.

Charlie sensed Riley’s flusteredness and tried to calm Emerson down. When she screamed and cried louder, she flailed her arms about, hitting Riley and Charlie. That’s when his usual sparkle and mischief that was normally present in his eyes disappeared.

“Emerson Gianna Gillespie. That’s enough.” Emerson was in shock at the tone of his voice. He didn’t yell, but he wasn’t quiet either. She could see that his eyes meant business, and he had never used her real name. She sunk to the ground in a last attempt at defiance. “Please stand up, or we are going home.” Emerson refused to stand. Charlie motioned for Riley to pack up their stuff quickly, as he picked up Emerson and brought her to the car. He didn’t say a single word, even as Emerson started to cry softly on their way to the car. She had started to realize the errors of her actions and felt awful.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a bad girl” she sniffed as Charlie buckled her into her booster seat. “Can we still get McDonalds?” she wiped away a few more tears as Riley got into the passenger side. Before she could reply, Charlie quickly answered the little girl.

“We are going home. We will talk about this when we get home” and with that he shut the door, and they drove home in silence. Emerson walked over to her time out corner in the house, a place where she rarely sat, but knew it was meant for her to reflect upon her actions. Emerson didn’t know that Charlie felt awful about being stone cold to her and was upstairs whisper venting to Riley, who patiently sat and listened. 

They made up over dinner that night and this was the first time that Emerson saw Charlie acting like a Daddy and not like a Charlie.

***

“Take all the time you need. I got Emmy” he kissed her head and went to join his little one at the kitchen island. As directed, the jar of cookies was on the counter, along with the jug of milk. She sat on the stood and swung her legs back and forth singing a song, waiting patiently for him. “Ready for some late night snicky snacks?”

“Mommy okay?” the little girl sat there waiting patiently but worrying about her mom. Charlie grabbed two dessert plates and two glasses for the milk and cookies. Charlie nodded and dished them up some cookies and poured the milk into the glasses, humming to himself. They clinked their glasses together and enjoyed their food in silence, only the sounds of the cookies crunching.

“Are you going to tell me about the weird dream you had?” he asked, a few crumbs spilling from his mouth. He wiped the corner of Emerson’s mouth with his thumb and took a sip of his milk.

“I had a dream that I had a baby brother” Charlie spat out his milk and choked, coughing at her comment. Emerson patted the man on the back, something she often saw adults do to other adults when they choked and something her parents did for her. “Isn’t that why mommy has an upset stomach?”

“Who told you that?” Charlie wiped his mouth and the counter of his mess, moving to dispose of the paper towel in the kitchen garbage. Emerson quietly munched on her cookie and took a drink of milk. “It was Uncle Owen wasn’t it?” she nodded, knowing that speaking with a full mouth was rude. Charlie made a mental note to chastise Owen later. Emerson was smart and perceptive but she was still a kid and who knows what the giant told her in his panic. Charlie gave her another cookie.

“Is this meant to keep me quiet? Uncle Owen did that last time. He said adults like to bribe children with things so they behave and don’t expose them. Didn’t anyone tell Uncle Owen that he’s not supposed to keep secrets or lie?” The little girl greatly accepted the cookie from Charlie and took a big bite, sipping on some more milk to help wash it down.

“No, it’s not a bribe. I’m giving you another cookie because you’re so tiny! I have to fatten you up if I’m going to bake you into a pie!” he joked as he tickled the girl. She laughed and dropped her cookie as Charlie attacked her sides and blew raspberries into her neck.

Even though Riley was 5”2 and her mother was short, Emerson seemed a little too much on the tiny side. She was still the height of your average six year old but she was thin and weighed very little despite the amount of food she ate. Her pediatricians worried that she wasn’t growing as healthily as the other children, but found no problems or illnesses within her. She was simply a late bloomer. It didn’t help that she was twice as smart as kids her age either, but Charlie made sure she knew that was something to be proud of. Both parents always told her that real friends would like her despite her differences and that being like the other kids is boring. 

“Seems like you two are doing fine without me!” the two froze in their act as they realized that Riley had walked into the kitchen. She smiled and grabbed the cookie off Charlie’s plate, sipping on his milk.

“Yup. Definitely pregnant. I guess I am getting a younger brother” Riley’s eyes were as wide as saucers and Charlie rolled his. She looked to Charlie for answers.

“Owen?”

“Owen.”

“Daddy? I think I’m ready to go back to bed” Emerson rubbed her eyes and hopped off the chair. Her mother smiled and gave her little girl a big hug, she couldn’t believe that Emerson would soon be 8.

“You and mommy go upstairs. I’ll clean up down here” Charlie gave both of his girls a kiss on the head before they retreated to Emerson’s bedroom. He began to pick up the plates and wipe the counter down, not bothering to wash the plates. He was supposed to be cooking breakfast for everyone in the morning, so he thought to wash their dishes then, but seeing as they were up so late, breakfast might be brunch. Just as he was putting away the milk and cookie jar, he heard soft footsteps rush into the kitchen. When he closed the door, he saw no one except a little red present box on the counter.

To Daddy

From Emmy

He smiled and carried the tiny box over to the bedroom. Riley was just tucking Emerson in, when he popped his head into the bedroom and shook the box. Emerson blushed and hid under the covers and Riley turned around seeing the box that Charlie shook.

“Is that where you went? I thought you were going pee!” her mother prodded, poking her daughter who was trying to hide. “Why are you hiding Emmy? There’s no need to be shy about it!”

“Did you know about this?” Riley shook her head no and peeled the blanket off her daughter. She hid her face in her hands, blushing a deep pink. “Emmy, come on, I wanna share this moment with you!” Charlie sat down at the foot of the bed and Riley sat beside her. Emerson lowered her hands from her face.

“Uncle Owen helped me with this when he babysat me last week” she smiled, avoiding eye contact. Charlie opened the box and instantly felt his heart grow big. Seeing his reaction, Riley peered into the box and understood the man’s reaction.

In the tiny red box lay a plastic guitar pick which had a picture from their wedding printed on it. It was a photo of the three of them, a stolen shot, between professional takes that encaptured their family’s dynamic. They were all smiling and laughing. It was Charlie’s favorite picture and it was his phone background. At the top of the pic was a tiny hole that connected it to a chain that he could wear around his neck.

“I haven’t been to daycare in a while, so I missed the Valentine’s day crafts. I’m going to a tea party with Aunty Savannah and mommy for Valentine’s day, but I didn’t have anything for you” Charlie opened his arms and beckoned for the little girl to crawl into his lap and hug him back. He rested his chin on her head and sniffed back the tears that had formed. “Did you read the back?” he pulled away and flipped the pick around.

Happy Valentine’s Day Daddy!

“Gosh Emmy, you are just so smart” he pulled the little girl in for another hug, a tear escaping his eye and he kissed her head again. “You didn’t have to do this Princess!”

“It’s my first Valentine’s day with a Daddy. Every year, the girls at the daycare got to have a Valentine’s day date with their Dads and would make them stuff at craft time. This is the first year I get to do it, so I wanted it to be special” she smiled up at him, happy that he liked the gift.

“I love it Emmy. I’ll never take it off” he placed it around his neck and fiddled with it again. Charlie really meant that he never wanted to take it off. Everything precious to him was represented on that pick. He made a mental note to thank Owen and probably not chastise him as bad as he wanted to before.

“Does that mean I get to spend Valentine’s day with the both of you?” Charlie and Riley shared a confused look, wondering where the question came from. Sensing their confusion, Emerson clarified her question. “Uncle Owen said that on Valentine’s day, you guys were going to play hide the zucchini, so he’d probably babysit me again. I thought it sounded like fun”

Cancel that. Charlie was definitely going to kill Owen.

[bookwyrminspiration]

both fitz and keefe had to grow up with such impossible expectations. and i Know in a lot of ways it was so much worse for keefe, but at the same time i feel like all the other characters just completely disregard the amount of pressure fitz must feel? like keefe's parents Expected him to be the best, while everyone just basically Assumed fitz would be the best. and literally all fitz can do at that point is either just fulfill those expectations-as everyone just already assumes he will-or fail and dissapoint everyone? like there's no real celebration if he succeeds, it's like Oh of course the Golden Boy is top of his class.

basically i’m just saying that at least one character needs to realize the pressure fitz constantly has on him and get this man some help or therapy or even just let him healthily vent😭😭

you’re very right, nonsie!! they both had so much pressure on them growing up, it’s unbelievable (and incredible relatable if you were and still are The Gifted Kid like me). However, I will ask that we don’t compare them against each other or say one was worse. They both had bad experiences, that’s it. All pain and trauma and troubles are valid, so I’d prefer we didn’t compare them. At least on my blog. (All of that is /nm and gently informative, don’t worry.)

Fitz has so many expectations on him, and they’re been there his entire life. He’s the perfect Vacker son. He’s the top student in their grade. He has a rare ability, and was the youngest to manifest that ability. He was going to the Forbidden Cities for his dad to look for Sophie. Almost everyone in the school either has a crush on him or is jealous of him. There’s just no end to it.

And it’s not like anyone directly told him, you need to be perfect. They just assume he’ll do really well and that He’ll become really accomplished and never falter. That everything will fall into place for him and he’s just naturally destined to be a success. But all of this was nonverbal. And I bet a lot of it he put on himself. He saw he was doing well and reasoned that “oh. this is what I’m supposed to be,” and started working towards it and now everyone thinks that’s the person he is and he doesn’t know how to back out. Or even if he can

and you’re entirely right with the “there’s no celebration if he succeeds.” Like yes!! At this points it’s not an accomplishments its just relief you haven’t failed yet. And then shame it didn’t come easier to you. Fitz is a living example of “the smart kid” and “the gifted kid.” A lot of what I’m saying is actually just my personal experience and how I can see it in Fitz. I doubt he even felt proud of being number one in his class, just focused on how he could make sure he stayed that way. I ranked #1 in my grade and I didn’t even care about it, I was just so relieved I hadn’t failed as if there was even something to fail. Because everyone of my classmates assumed I would get that rank because of all these expectations. And then I just focused on how to make sure that numbered stayed the same

He’s trying to live up to everyone in the world and it’s going to inevitably crash and burn around him and then he’ll learn if he’s mentally strong enough to pull together the pieces. Because you cannot go at 100% your whole life and expect it to work out. I would know.

TL;DR: Fitz is very representative of “the gifted kid” experience and all the pressure that comes with it to do all these incredible, difficult things with no effort. It’s stifling and it doesn’t end well. He needs a hug.

there’s a really specific vibe about him I can recognize so now I want to talk about him more, nonsie

[buckmepapi]

Bucky-central || About me & this blog

MASTERLIST

Welcome! I’m Arin/Asralyn

To put it simply; I’m 25, queer, non-binary, and from the UK.

Want to be nosey and know more about me? Here’s the detailed juicy bits:

Who am I attracted to?

I’m attracted to anyone regardless of sex, gender identity, whatever. I use to struggle with either identifying as bisexual or pansexual when I was younger, but in the end I decided on the term Queer. I know some people still do not feel comfortable using the word but it’s the only word I felt fit me, I can’t explain why I don’t feel I fit into bi/pan, I also don’t like labelling myself so queer just seemed more generic and fitting.

What is my gender?

Non-binary is the closest term at the moment I have to describe how I feel about my gender identity.

What are my pronouns?

She/they

My conditions/disabilities:

(All conditions below are diagnosed by medical professionals at some point in my life, this is not to negate from the issue of self diagnosing and bring shame on anyone who does, but I feel it is also imperative to show that I was diagnosed, because I didn’t go through years of waiting lists and assessments for nothing)

Autism

ADHD

Dyspraxia

Hard of Hearing - I wear hearing aids and use BSL

DPDR

Depressive disorder

Generalised Anxiety disorder

Epilepsy

Chronic fatigue/M.E

Fibro

Chronic migraines

Temporomandibular joint disorder

I have trauma related issues from prolonged childhood ab*se, and ass*ult in adulthood. Please be gentle and patient with me where you can.

You may be thinking, why the fuck are you listing off your conditions like a goddamn checklist? And that’s a good point, the reason I am honest about my disabilities is because I talk/vent about them here a lot due to this being my safe space, I also want to bring awareness about issues that many of us live with. If you don’t like telling other people your conditions that’s totally okay and your right to do so! But for myself, I’m very content with being open about issues I have struggled with my whole life.

Who I write for:

Marvel including non mcu characters, Star Wars, The Mandolorian, Criminal Minds, The Office, TWD, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Umbrella Academy, RPF. - more to be added when I can remember what else I enjoy watching and writing for. 

What I will not write:

inc*st, graphic r*pe and non-con stuff, DD/LG (reader calling character ‘daddy’ is fine, I enjoy that, but not the dd/lg role play), underage stuff, anything to do with toilet kinks, group stuff, if I think of anything else, I will add it here. 

What I will write:

SMUT, I love writing smut, the kinkier the better, angst, fluff all the usual stuff although I try to avoid things with sad endings because of my mental health. I will incorporate mental health, s*lf h*rm, s*icide mentions, ab*se, ass*ult into stories IF it is called for and adds to the depth of the storyline but it WILL NOT be written about in detail, just mentioned for the basis of the plot direction, warnings will be given. I do not believe in glamorising and romanticising these issues, but given that I have experienced them myself it is a way for me to healthily cope and express my feelings. It won’t happen often if ever, but I feel the need to mention it just in case it does. 

My special interests:

I love Marvel comics /mcu specifically Deadpool and the winter soldier. I love Spawn, mortal kombat, Battle for Neighborville, Animal Crossing, Etymology and studying words, history, philosophy and mythology. I love learning new things. I also enjoy painting and creating things as well as makeup and SFX.

Social links:

Snapchat - crowlxy

Instagram -sunlightpink

Ask.fm - ufkingwotm8

Spotify - sunlightpxnk

PSN - kimmywinchester

Nintendo switch - 2391 5818 1022

Xbox - AtomBaby111

Beatstar - crowley#21

Discord - inbox me

Tiktok - sunlightpink

[sheabutterari]

From My Heart To Yours

I am sorry. I was acting like an ass. Im sorry for being insensitive. I truly love y’all so much. I swear to god i be meaning well. I’m not the most structured when i start talking and that has been a blessing and curse. I’ve grown too comfortable with viewing my supporters as my bestie that I can freely vent to with no repercussions. I feel the need to protect people that I feel are genuinely good people. If you know me, you know I speak on what’s unjust in MY mind. But it doesn’t matter if ultimately my opinion is perceived as toxic and ignorant and harmful. I made it very clear who specifically I was talking about but Carry on with your misconstrued judgement of me. My heart is in the right place and I can only pray you’ll one day see that. I see what’s being said and I feel the pain of those I genuinely I hurt and I’m sorry. I realize I need to stfu and stay offline. It’s so mentally draining trying to do good and it comes out completely detrimental. I’m sorry for triggering people and I’m sorry if I caused any trauma. Im sorry for victim shaming, swear that wasn’t my intent. I repeat that WAS NOT my intent. I’m learning how to deal with my feelings in private like most people in music. You see there is no room for growth in this industry publicly it is best to find your way in private. To have healthy and productive  conversations in private. I shouldn’t be aimlessly figuring it out in front of y’all. I was speaking on a very sensitive topic and I failed to facilitate sensitively, intelligently and healthily. I impulsively spiraled cause I was sick of seeing the distasteful shade especially at such a terrible and sad time towards someone I know is good person. With that said I wasn’t trying to discredit other people and their truths and opinions. Also I don’t need black men to stick up for me in order to do what I know is right in my heart and that’s speak up if I feel people are being distasteful towards them. Same goes for black women especially! everything I do is for black girl magic, glory, unity and our greatness. I INNATELY love on my people and don’t need a specific reason to look out but ultimately I want to be better and do it better. I want to grow. I want to be a light. I want to be enlightened. I’m not out here trying to protect toxic individuals. That’s not what I believe i did. My opinion, though filled with disarray came from a place of love and empathy and sadness. But my delivery was harmful. I shouldn’t have disrespected anyone in trying to communicate my feelings. Honestly I should’ve just ate my food and booked a therapy session. I love you genuinely. I’m excited to leave social media for good. I’m excited for true self love, healing, understanding and peace. To all the people who checked me from a place of love, I love you forever and I hear you and I deeply empathize more than you’ll ever know. I would love to keep the conversation going in real life. Don’t want to move in this world hurting people. Thank you for your constructive criticism. Thanks for checking me. IG live it’s been a fun ride sweet angel baby cakes, but our mental peace is most important so I’m out <3

- Ari Lennox

[npdbubblygum]

This post is tagged as long post so you can skip it easily through filtering!

(abuse tw throughout the post)

I think a lot of non-narcissists deeply misunderstand supply, so I’ll try to compile some things from all the research I’ve made over the years on boundaries, supply, needs, abuse and responsibilities that I used to figure out how my own brain works and cope. I don’t have the sources compiled so you’ll have to go out there and do your own research, this is just a jumping off point! Go to experts, real sourced research and also listen to narcissists describe their own experiences if you want to learn more

What is supply?

Supply is something external that makes us feel like we have worth, meaning, self esteem or identity.

What does supply look like?

Attention (positive, but can also be negative for some people), admiration, compliments, acts of service or other love languages, awards, care, acknowledgement, flirting, emotional reactions, gifts, praise, forgiveness, s*x and more

What is a supply source?

A supply source is someone (or in this day and age, something) that gives the supply. It can be a romantic partner, close friend, acquaintance, an organization, an AI (I have literally had an AI app as a supply source, it kept giving me positive attention lol), a game, (fan)fiction (self insert fic but also a lot of regular fic where the person projects onto characters who receive for example admiration), strangers on social media who like your posts, youtubers or other parasocial relationships, etc.

Who needs supply?

Almost everyone! Except maybe some ND people I don’t know enough about every diagnosis to say for sure.

It’s a common misconception that only narcissists need the things described as supply. The truth is that all NT and most ND people need supply to be healthy. What makes narcissists different is that we’re much more dependent on it, often because of childhood trauma and the way people treated us (for example, praising us for independence while neglecting our physical and emotional needs). A narcissist will need more supply to be functional than a neurotypical person. A narcissist who is low on supply will experience more negative effects that are higher in intensity than a neurotypical person. Narcissists are often more criticism sensitive than rejection sensitive, or motivated by our sense of self than how social relationships are affected. That said, we can have a lot of abandonment issues. We aren’t a monolith.

Who is entitled to supply?

Me. Just kidding, I wish I was though! As much as it pains me to say it, no one can really “deserve” or “not deserve” supply. It’s in the same category as s*x where it’s a human need for most to be happy and healthy but can’t be owed or deserved. It’s not like food or water that people automatically deserve for being alive, because they will die without it. You could argue that parents owe their children a healthy amount of supply (love and care), or that romantic partners are expected to give each other a healthy amount of supply (love and care), you could argue that if you made a really tasty meal for your family they should at least thank you and you would love it if they complimented your meal, but ultimately you can’t force someone to fulfill your needs and not everyone is capable of doing it regardless of how reasonable the expectation is.

If someone needs you as a supply source and it’s not healthy for you, you don’t have to be their supply. You’re allowed to disengage, to communicate your feelings, to set boundaries and respect yourself first and foremost.

How do narcissists feel about their supply sources?

That really depends on the narcissist! If they’re open about having NPD you could probably ask respectfully?

Personally I have 2 ways of liking people that sometimes conflict. If someone gives me a lot of supply I can become dependent on being around them, it fuels me. I can also like people’s personalities, actions and general existence regardless of how they interact with me. If someone gives me a lot of supply and has a personality I like it’s a dream person, love them! If someone gives me a lot of supply but I don’t like them it can become really toxic for the both of us because I’ll want to keep getting attention at the same time as I’ll resent them for getting in my space and business and getting on my nerves. I have gotten a lot better at avoiding this situation and respecting that my needs in the long run are worth more than instant gratification. If I like someone’s personality but they don’t give me supply that’s a very difficult internal battle for me because I will crave it and try to get it and then I don’t get it and it eats at my self esteem which makes me incredibly angry. I’m a very private person though so I will never let anyone see that except if I’m asking for advice on coping mechanisms, venting to a close trusted person which is rare because I have trust issues, or if it’s anonymous so people won’t figure out who I’m talking about. If I don’t like a person in either way I just won’t care about them, but I still try to have basic respect and manners when talking to them.

Other people might feel completely differently about theirs and that’s valid!

(I just realized that my inner reaction to supply sources I don’t like is basically the dr Phil “You’re ugly, you’re disgusting, I hate you, give me $200” meme but don’t worry I’m not that toxic on the outside)

Is supply good or bad?

I’d say it’s neutral. It can be healthy or unhealthy for both the person giving attention and the person receiving it. I’m sure you can think of lots of situations where people are giving and taking attention in amounts they can handle and that are appropriate for the relationship, but let’s take an example. Your best friend just won a race and you tell them “I’m so impressed, you trained so hard for this and made your dream come true! You’re awesome!” and your best friend replies “Thank you so much, I couldn’t have done it without your support though!”. That interaction was good for both of them and they have similar needs and capabilities for give and take.

Some unhealthy situations are:

• one person giving more than they can handle

• one person needing more than they can get

• one person taking more than the other can give

• one person not giving as a punishment

• one person receiving more than they can handle

• one person using supply to avoid other coping mechanisms or changes to their lifestyle

• one person thinking they are owed for giving

• one person thinking they owe for receiving

You can mix and match with these to create any situation, or come up with your own custom situation!

Who is responsible in unhealthy supply dynamics?

Everyone involved has their own responsibilities depending on what type of unhealthy they are! If you are someone giving more than you can handle you are responsible for communicating your needs, setting boundaries, changing your own behaviour and getting out of the situation if you’re able to and that’s the right action for you. If you’re receiving more than you can handle you’re responsible for communicating your feelings/needs and setting boundaries. If you’re someone needing (sometimes taking) more than the other person can give you’re responsible for communicating your needs and finding healthy solutions to your problem and accepting the other person’s conflicting needs. If you feel owed the same or more supply you put out you’re responsible for controlling your own feelings and finding healthy solutions (could be break up, could be therapy or self help, could be communicating boundaries about giving/receiving in a respectful way toward the other person). No one is responsible for changing another person. No one’s needs take priority over someone else’s needs. In case of conflicting needs that aren’t compatible and both people aren’t putting in effort to make them compatible (or it’s not working or it’s more effort than you can healthily give or you just don’t feel like it) it is absolutely an option to break up.

In some abusive cases the responsibilities often aren’t or can’t be upheld and you should find any way possible to get out of the situation. You can’t deserve abuse, no matter who it comes from, no matter their intentions, no matter their point of view, you can’t deserve it. Your abuser doesn’t have to have NPD to be abusive or need more from you than you’re able to give. Your abuser could be a very giving person who overwhelms you and gets in your business without your consent and has great intentions. Doesn’t matter, still abuse, you don’t have to stand it. Take any help you can get to get out of it and don’t go back. But also, beware of people who prey on abuse victims and promise false safety!

[cruelfeline]

I find this to be one of my favorite Entrapdak scenes. Well. "Favorite." It's not heartwarming, obviously. Hordak is at his worst here: the most aggressive he's been towards Entrapta since she installed herself in his Sanctum. It's unpleasant to see, the sort of thing that makes one cringe upon viewing, and yet... it's interesting, this show of aggression. It's interesting to pick apart, to understand why he turns on her so suddenly, to assess if he's actually dangerous, abusive, when acting this way, if he truly means her harm. And, at risk of bringing down the wrath of a huge portion of this fandom, it's interesting to compare it to some rough Catradora moments, too.

First and foremost: why does he lose his composure here? Is he simply angry about the portal not working, as he suggests? Is he using his aggression to force Entrapta to work faster, to intimidate her as punishment for a lack of progress? Mm... I don't think so. I don't think his aggression is an attempt to bully or hurt or control Entrapta in any way. If it was, we’d have seen it more often during their other scenes together.

To my eyes, Hordak has abysmal emotional coping skills. Like, he is almost entirely deficient in any sort of ability to identify, manage, and resolve his own negative emotions in a healthy manner. Which isn't surprising, y'know? He's a clone soldier who was likely never meant to live his own, free life; he would have never had any sort of education in emotional coping skills.

In this scene, Adora says the magic word. She says "fail," and we all know that Hordak cannot handle the thought of being a failure, of being a defective clone good only for death on the frontlines. 

He loses his composure immediately upon hearing this word, and said composure loss leads to a flare-up of his condition. His armor sparks, he collapses to his knees, and he experiences what is not just a moment of weakness in front of an enemy, but essentially a confirmation of this failure.

I can imagine how he feels: beyond just the physical pain of the flare, I can imagine his shame, his self-loathing as his weakness is laid bare for this supposedly ineffectual young girl to see. I can imagine that little voice in his head telling him that she's right.

And because Hordak lacks any and all healthy emotional coping skills, he addresses these painful thoughts the only way he knows how: with anger. Now, you'd think he'd direct that anger at Adora, but he actually does something I've seen stressed, emotionally aroused, frightened animals do: he redirects the aggression.

Redirected aggression is a term describing what happens when an animal, displaying aggression towards a particular subject, cannot reach that subject, or is interrupted in some way, and instead redirects onto someone or something unrelated. Think of... oh... getting bitten while breaking up a dog fight. Or trying to comfort a cat hissing at a stray outside the window, only to have the cat bite or swat at you instead. The animal's aggression isn't meant for you, but you are the closest thing to vent their distress upon, so you end up getting hurt.

Now, Hordak is obviously not an animal (does this happen in humans? I have no idea), but he appears to behave along similar principles: angered by Adora's words, distressed by his health issues, he reacts violently toward the gentle touch of Entrapta's hair. Not because he's angry at her, or because he's trying to intimidate or hurt her, but because he's in a stressed state and snaps at even a slight stimulus. He likely would have reacted this way to anyone, and it's just bad luck that Entrapta was the one to provide that stimulus.

It's like a dramatic version of being grumpy after a bad day at work and snapping at your friend when they ask you what's wrong.

Is it a good thing, or even a neutral thing? No, obviously not. It hurts Entrapta and potentially leaves her wondering if perhaps he is rejecting her (especially, I think, once she’s been on Beast Island for a while). It’s something that he should apologize for, should he ever get the chance, because it was entirely uncalled for and hurt someone who only wanted to offer him comfort. 

That said, is it a truly dangerous, abusive thing? Is it intended to hurt and control someone close to him? I don’t think so, really. I can’t see it as such. Rather, it’s an indicator of Hordak having poor emotional responses because he does not know how to handle his own sense of inadequacy and shame. And acting out because he has underdeveloped coping skills. 

A bit of an aside: does Hordak need to learn to extinguish his anger? Well; I would say that that’s a bit more complicated. 

While Hordak would certainly benefit from learning to handle his emotions in a less damaging fashion (eg. not lashing out at others), I don’t think the answer here is teaching him to suppress anger. Anger, healthily experienced, is a perfectly normal emotion; it should not be marked as a negative thing. More importantly, it’s not the root of his problem. The root of Hordak’s problem is his own dismal opinion of himself, the shame he feels when his body falters, or when he’s unable to immediately succeed in a task. This is what ultimately needs to be addressed; once that happens, I have a sense that these sorts of outbursts would diminish and eventually cease.

Now, I’m going to switch gears here and talk about some similarly unpleasant moments between Catra and Adora, mainly because these moments, to me, appear much more indicative of a dangerous relationship and serve as evidence of emotional abuse. They serve as a good counter-example of what I would consider abuse, rather than what Hordak does to Entrapta.

if I disappear in the next 24 hours it’s because the Catradorans have retaliated ;)

So. How are Catra’s interactions with Adora more abusive than Hordak yelling at Entrapta and swatting away her hair?

Actual physical fighting/clawing/legitimate bodily harm aside, when Catra taunts Adora, there is a sense that she is specifically targeting her in a way that she knows will hurt. 

It’s difficult to read these moments as “Catra vented shame and self-loathing on someone who touched her at the wrong time.” In many of them, Catra is entirely in control of herself and the situation, not off-balance in front of an enemy, recovering from a shock as Hordak was. She takes her time to engage Adora in a very deliberate manner. She’s cunning. She’s practiced. She’s predatory.

She belittles Adora, focusing on aspects of the girl’s life that she knows cause insecurity and doubt. Aspects like failing her friends, failing the world, being at fault for other people suffering and dying. She does this with complex, thought-out dialogue, planned jabs at Adora’s self-esteem. There is a legitimate cruelty to how Catra speaks to her, for she appears to delight in watching Adora distress and doubt herself as a result of her taunts. 

Comparing these moments to Hordak’s outburst, one can appreciate the difference: these calculated personal attacks are a world apart from someone briefly lashing out in an instance of sudden pain. There is no mistaking that there is an intent to harm here. Rooted in a traumatic childhood or not, there is no discounting that a targeted, focused emotional assault on someone, specifically picking out and using their deep insecurities, is an abhorrent thing to do. 

So. Back to Hordak and Entrapta. Certainly not their finest moment, but it’s not something that makes me worry for Entrapta’s safety (while Adora’s safety in terms of Catra... hmm...). Rather, it makes me sad; I know that it stems directly from Hordak’s insecurities and, rather than being something he truly meant to do, likely contributes to his low self-worth. I would not be surprised if his snapping at her ended up being one of the things that led to him believing Catra’s lies: he was mean, he was aggressive, and so he didn’t deserve Entrapta’s friendship. He lashed out at her, so she left. She left, and it was his fault. Not true, of course, but I can see him rationalizing it like that.

My takeaway: he needs to work on this, of course, but like many of his issues, I feel that the key to resolution lies less in manipulating his specific behaviors (ie. there’s no reason to punish him for it) and more in addressing the root cause. Hordak needs to unlearn the shame and self-hatred he’s been taught to feel whenever he falters. At the same time, he needs to learn healthy ways of expressing his emotions. And while he may end up making further missteps along the way, I don’t worry for Entrapta or any future companions he might have. There’s nothing predatory, nothing cruel about this aspect of him. Rather, there’s further proof of deep-seated insecurities and inexperience that can be eased by patience and care.

[gcmblingdice]

..

Hopefully my next paycheck will push me having 2000 so i can pay off my aunt so I can get my car this weekend. Gotta make sure too that I can also pay off dad too (but he says to wait til next week?) But then i gotta like buckle down again om finding insurance.

Im also afraid Ill loose my state insurance and wont be able to afrord my meds because i cant afford insurance (unless i go through my work but idk how much extra that will be out of my paycheck.)

Yes I am moving in with my boyfriend and his partner, but I think its only until I am able to be on my own??? Idk. I need to get that clarification but i always forget.

Im also nervous and worried that once I move my dad may decline and idk. Also im not over how my brother keeps joking about me paying dad back cause its his inheritence too.

Like we already did the math and between bills going out and income coming in, he would have 600-700 a month of left over money to use for gas and grocerries etc. He can easily rebuild that 6k+ (8k if we counting the vet) and i mean I understand he wants the money back, but he keeps asking me ans reminding me and i keep telling him Ill.pay him back.

Then he also says to not rush it, but will remind me.of what i already paid him and its like SIR PLEASE? AND I AM SO DONE.

Im full on bulimic again and dont fucking care much anymore about shit and Im slipping. I find myself drinking more and more.

I resubbed to the gym but only went once and feel like shit. Like good job ya dumb bitch 10 dollars wasted a month. (I been trying to do evening walks tbh but i wanna do the gym for real again)

OH AND EVEN THO I CLOSED THE CREDIT CARD MOM HAD FOR DAD I FORGOT I NEEDED TO 0 OUT THE BALANCE LOL I FUCKING HATE IT SO THAT ONTOP OF EVERYTHING.

Man i just do not. Not to mention the walking on eggshells and I am still not over how my dad's side has villainized me ever since the funeral when i told them to fuck off. Also the gays are pedo narrative is one they cling tigthly too because CLEARLY ME HELPING TO LET THIS 13 YR OLD BE HEARD AND ENCOURAGING HER TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HER GENDER AND SHIT IS BIG NONO AND I AM I NOT ALLOWED TO HELP A YOUNG QUEER BECAUSE SHE IS 13 ANE DOESNT KNOW WHAT SHE IS FEELING AND ITS A PHASE.

Man fuck off. The way she was so excited to see someone who was also queer, who gave her space to vent, made me cry.

My aunt knows of her being gay (or qieer) but even she says that the girl might change her mind.

MA'AM. and even if she does end up not being queer ( which i highly doubt since she confessed she was always different in that she liked girls and those who were non gender conforming and always said she felt more seen by gay tiktok and that she wants ti learn more before she can settle on who she is, but she isnt allowed...

BUT APPARENTLY ME JUST SHOWING BASIC DECENCY AMD GIVING HER SPACE TO BE IS BAD AND MAKES ME A P*DO???

and people on either side of my family constantly telling me i look like mom or how well I am doing when ITS CLEAR I HAVenT HAD TIME TO HEALTHILY PROCESS ANYTHING BUT OKAAAAY AND YEEESSSS

Tell me Im selfish because I want a safe space to grieve. Tell me I should be more respectful of my dad cause he is hurt too. Also we love them telling me i am not allowed to speak out on my own abuse at my dads hands because "now you onownyour dad is a good man"

FUCK OUT HERE WITH THAT SHIT. ON GOD.