#Anyway I'm going back in my hole
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Something Cute
@mistysparks
I'm probably going to render this later, but for now it's going to be a sketch !!!! :3
#FlynnDoesArtShit#FanartForAFriend#I mean LOOK AT THEEMMM#The character design is ON POINT#Anyway I'm going back in my hole#Hope you have fun with this fella :3#:3
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jesus christ, doc, i thought you were a goner! warn a guy next time, will ya? jesus christ, doc. jesus christ
bonus doodle post-extra-long-hug:
(listen im a sucker for the forehead kisses alright. whenever it happens in a fic i eat that shit UP. it's the cutest thing ever idc)
#back to the future#bttf#bttf fanart#marty mcfly#doc brown#emmett brown#happy bttf day! good thing i fell into the hyperfixation hole before the crash course of dates here in oct-nov instead of after#otherwise i'd have to wait a whole year! anyways#THEY SHOULDVE HUGGED IN THIS SCENE ARGJARHGARHAJ#they totally did guys trust me they totally did.#honestly i love how everyone agrees yeah they hugged immediately after the scene cut we just didn't see it#bc it is real. and true. canon even!#they should've hugged at the end of part 3 also but i digress#im so happy im an artist guys i can draw whatever the hell i want. i can will scenes that should've happened into existence#see what happens when i really try? see what happens when i give it my all? /ref#this turned out soo well i'm very happy with it. at the same time i can totally see it being one of those pieces where you look back in a#year or two and go damn why that limb at that angle#the tool belt is not accurate at all i just couldn't be bothered. drew a âplaceholderâ thing for it before looking at refs and got lazy#kit does an art#tag as ship and it's your knees
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ingoâs a rubix cube kid and Emmet was a tetris kid
#spenxer lou art#lou is an artist#submas#submas emmet#submas ingo#subway bosses#subway boss emmet#subway boss ingo#subway master emmet#subway master ingo#I played tetris for like an hour and a half last night. shit has ruined me#Emmet I am cursing you with tetris. I literalyl sent a message to my friend today and I was likehmmm. how do I fill the holes in these lett#do you know how difficult it when your thoughts start turning to blocks slotting into place whenever you aren't paying attention to things#it's a problem when they're invading your dreams#I'm fucked dude. I miss playing pool.#anyways. emmet had a really bad time when he was in his tetris phase. he literally was eat sleep tetris#every single thought he had was about tetris#could not pay attention to teh shit he needed to. did not eat unless reminded. shit was fucked#it ended and he was freed. the next time he got reminded he was stuck for a month and vowed to never touch it again#he tries his best to stay away from it#vaugely gestures. I'm going back to playing tetris
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Just saw Paul live. I travelled to Paris with a concussion and a black eye, and then my new 900$ phone got stolen and I don't know a word of French and I had to email my bank to cancel my credit card so the thief wouldn't be able to pay with my phone. I have like 30 quid in my wallet, I didn't even have the ticket to the concert because it was digital, I didn't know how to get to the arena or to my Air BnB (where my laptop was â without wifi). I had nothing but a dream, one might say. And it fucking worked guys I saw that motherfucker live and to be completely fucking honest with you it was worth all the trouble and the money but don't tell anyone I said that
#I might also have spent the money on a shirt after the concert#don't tell anyone about that either please#can't believe I'm prioritizing his overpriced merch over food#anyway I'll post more about the concert when I'm back home and out of this hell hole that is France#I'm joking everyone was really nice and helpful here#the girl next to me at the concert took pictures of me and sent them to my email because I obviously couldn't take any without my phone lol#what's important is I'm fine and I got to see Paul so this whole fiasco wasn't for nothing!!!! anywhoooooo I'm going to bed#more about how he blew John kisses on stage tomorrow#or not. if you don't hear from me again I never made it out of paris#mine
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It took me like two hours to process that Caleb's description of dunamis actually was somewhat new information and then go back to grab the transcription because, uh, both "form of magic that exists between the fabric of all of forces of power" and "one of the oldest and most fundamental forces" are far more confidently firm descriptions than we ever got in campaign 2.
Was I actually roughly correct about what dunamis was??? HELLO???
VINDICATION?!?!
#like LISTEN it does feel like the obvious conclusion but HELLO??????#CAN WE GO BACK TO THAT???#i am choosing to believe that Caleb is too focused on the world ending to notice Ashton's head but UM. COULD WE DISCUSS THIS?#I'm never gonna be normal again. anyway.#straight up the universe was like 'megs is in hell week. yanno what she needs? motherfucking wizards.'#I'M SO USED TO GIVING AND NOW I GET TO RECEIVE#critical role#cr spoilers#caleb widogast#like yeah yeah i got all overly poetic and flowery about it but like ON A FUNDAMENTAL LEVEL THIS WAS BASICALLY WHAT I MEANT#and tbh i do think you have to veer slightly toward my concept in order to really explain consecution BUT ANYWAY#i need to sleep. i will not get to sleep but. i should try.#anyway glad to see my boi clearly did not have to give up his whole life's work he's doing so well đ#hope he is holed up in the Lavorres' spare room until Ludinus is dead đ
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you are not entitled to fan works.
you are not allowed to demand things of fanartists, fanfic writers, fan editors, animatic makers, etc.
we work for this because we love it. because we have a passion for it.
unless someone expressly asks for ideas to draw, write, or otherwise create? don't tell them what they have to do.
you have an idea, do it yourself. it will be bad. it will suck at first. but if you care so deeply about an idea, you cannot demand that everyone must have the same idea and create something for you.
also, you have no way of knowing if your favorite fic is out there and youre limiting yourself by, instead of looking for the things you enjoy, you are complaining that no one does it. someone has. i guarantee it. and if no one has? start. it's fun. being a fan creator is a blast. do it yourself.
#sorry I am heated guys#also I'd make a note about commissions but technically selling fan works is illegal#i think art is more widely accepted but. yk.#anyways#rant over I'm gonna go back to my hole now#fandom
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brothers, sisters, i literally want to turn myself inside out like those octopus plushies like...
i am SO tired
more and more i feel like i'm not even living anymore. i don't even have a sense of time anymore. my brain is either rotating like a turd in aerated water, attached to nothing, or sticks to the most random tasks like a fridge magnet i have no control over
my life feels like that window of time between waking up and 2pm when you have an appointment scheduled and can't do anything. literally waiting for i have absolutely no clue what. waiting for things to return to normal? to feel like myself? idk man. send help
#life#i have therapy tomorrow and i think i'm freaking out a little#last session was in the middle of my proverbial penthouse collapsing#and it just made it worse because i left feeling sort of hopeless?#i'm doing my best trying to manage my own expectations but it's like.. i've been waiting so long to even get there#and i feel like we're making very little progress#so i'm uh... como se dice... a bit scared#because therapy is about the only thing i have going on in terms of trying to crawl out of this hole#and i'm scared that shit's gonna collapse and then i do what?? yaknow#i'd kill to be mid-july mel sipping on my iced drink looking back at all these posts of me whining and going 'damn that was wild lol'#anyway... gonna watch a funny video on the tube to calm down i guess âïžđ
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everybody claims to be a kashiwagi enjoyer but the only time anyone ever talks about him is to say he's the hottest piece of meat in the series
#this goes for a lot of characters but he's the one i pay the most attention to#this probably isn't even remotely profound to most people who follow me but it really feels like a massive proportion of fandom nowadays#only cares about fanwriting if it's within 1500 words and rated E#there are some notable exceptions of course but fuck there just doesn't seem to be any real feedback on anything anymore#unless it comes from people i share small discord servers with and chat to every day#the number of times i've linked my textual analysis pieces to people who say they're fans of the character it's about#only to get brushed off in favour of the next off-model drawing of him with his balls swanging#it's demoralising#i don't want to be the elitist ''nobody likes him the way i do'' jerk but this is a lot of the reason i haven't been as active on tumblr#on top of me (mostly) running out of games to play then going on holiday and coming back to my steam deck's display not working#(it's still in for repairs)#maybe when i get it back i'll liveblog yakuza 4 but i'm starting to wonder if there's a point in using tumblr#when the only people who engage are people i speak to directly on discord anyway#like why not just cut out the middleman at this point yknow?#well. guess i'll get back to my sawamura ikki rabbit hole#expect arai posting when i get my steam deck back#me#text#kashiwagi osamu#idk lol i don't want to put negative fandom commentary into the character tag but i DO want this to be in the tag on my blog itself#i don't think there's a way to do that anymore
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tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"
#bakuspeech#number one is a house bc obviously. if u can own a house wouldnt u#he was very drunk at that time of the evening. I was not bc I have the constitution of a hot air balloon and any stimulant will blow me up#(relatively new development. france fucked me up big time turns out)#we held hand on his bed for like the whole evening. it was honestly very funny in hindsight but we were extremely earnest in the moment#and Im like. working on this thing as well. I dont got meds or therapy lmao Im bootstrappin here#but yeah early last year his bf offered to get me meds and I... turned it down... I think I was worried abt like. idk. something#but one year past looking back Im fully like that was a stupid move you shouldve gotten meds. youve once again fucked urself baku#but yeah with that kinda realization Ive also come to realized I've somewhat? accepted. that I'm just gonna be. like this#this in light of a number of likely chronic stuff too (hence my balloon-like constitution lmao) and#that's kinda bled into the rest of me without me really noticing#but him bringing that up fully unprompted... kinda jolted me out of it#its just. really incredibly sweet. that someone doesn't want me to settle for what I make do with#and like. preps for that work. just kinda held my hand and told me it's possible to do this actually#I didn't really express how I felt very well in that moment I think my brain is very bad and I process emotions with like a day of delay#but. well. Im thinking abt it Right Now. so yknow thats the kind of impact that had on me lol#not super sure why I wrote all this down here really. I think I just want a good n nice reminder that object permanence is real#and I exist in my friends' life even when Im going insane in a hole by myself#and with the power of friendship we can alter the universe's plan for ourselves and also kill god#that's that. anyways I eat lunch now and then pass out probably. last night was... eventful lmao#but!! very good things on the horizon hopefully. well manifestly we hold hammers and we use them#have a good day lads. let's go out and slay monsters under a highway
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you ever go out in public and feel like an alien
#i am so bad at pretending to be human holy shit. jesus fucking christ#the galactic council is going to subpoena me and shoot me back into space. because my behavior is threatening to expose alien activity on#earth#or the men in black will get me.#because Jesus Christ.#plus i felt like everyone was staring and couldn't stop ruminating like is it my dyed hair is it my hairy limbs is it my#FUCKASS shoes does my bra not fit what is it. what is it why can't i be like those other women#no one will ever love me romantically btw and i'm lucky to have trapped the friends i do have. and there's the bad bitch i pulled by#being born 19 months earlier to the same parents#anyway i'm home i will crawl back into my hole now. my hole in the ground#this is probably half pms. i wish i could have a hysterectomy because this for decades more is. well#suicide-inducing. or maybe that's just me. both are bad#it's whatever<3#kata.txt
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sorry for only saying this type of shit lately but i kinda wanna drive a car straight into a brick wall at the highest speed possible
#trying to keep it together so bad because i already know the problems and solutions and whatnot but i cannot do anything#i desperately just need to do something. accomplish any task. actually several would be nice. but i cannot stand just letting life go by#while i watch other people have the things i want. or even metaphorically living my dream like. that should be me why am i settling for thi#i hate even talking about this because i feel so stupid when i know it's not even a real tangible problem and that i actually DO have real#problems to tackle and the ability to do so but i'm choosing to be upset over the stupidest things i could possibly be sad about#and i can't even be sad about it in a normal way i'm cycling through like several different reactions to smth that isn't even real#or if it is real i literally do not have tanglible evidence for it one way or another like i'm driving myself insane for no reason#i can't even get catharsis because all i'm doing is digging a deeper hole for something i never should've gone back into in the first place#because i KNOW how i am i KNOW how i react to things and i still chose to do it lmao.#and i continue to choose to go through this shit instead of actively trying to change my life because... i'm lazy? and stupid? idk#negative self-talk isn't gonna get me to do anything either so let's just say i'm feeling particularly unmotivated like usual#i hated being a teenager but i really do miss when all my problems just amounted to 'someone was mean to me on tumblr today :(' or i failed#a test in chemistry or something. like i yearn for that simplicity becasue at this point all i'm doing is ruining my own life LMAO#i'm too scared to live i'm too scared to die so i just sit here and fantasize that life could be amazing if i wait#and i'll magically get everything i've ever wanted if i just wait long enough. and i know it isn't true and i still wait for it to happen.#because honestly like. i think deep down i am just convinced i will fail at anything i do when that shouldn't be what scares me.#what scares me should be never even allowing myself to fail because i never tried to do anything at all with myself or my life#like. wake the fuck up. get off your ass and put in the effort. learn some skills. gain independence and stability and discipline and do it#just live please i'm begging you just live so i can be happy don't i deserve to be happy... why am i not letting myself be happy#i'm literally keeping myself trapped in this negative feedback loop ON PURPOSE because teehee shiny toy#and it doesn't matter if the love is real it doesn't matter how i feel like i'm just using it as a distraction i can't say it's motivation#because it's barely motivated me at all. i have to start being realistic. 25 & just realizing you actually have to participate in your life#anyways. i've cried i've agonized i've pictured killing myself in 30 different ways. i think the only way i'm gonna feel better is#to just actually try this time without giving up. wish me luck
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#his lips and the way his teeth are showing here are so beautiful i'm gonna be sick#can you imagine if he had a tooth gap..... dear god#the shape of his cupid's bow is ridiculous#i wanna lick his teeth so bad it's not fair#and yes i just watched crash again i've been found out#keep thinking about that one shot towards the end where he's backing vaughn's car up to go check on catherine after she drove off the road#and as he's looking behind him he kind of draws the corner of his mouth back and you get a real clear view of his cuspids#why didn't i get a screenshot of that#anyway god i lose my everloving mind when he does that#i would let him pierce a hole through my tongue with his teeth honest to god#anyway that's enough tooth talk nighty night
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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I haven't been involved with coaching for almost 3 months now and somehow I am still getting dragged into the drama.
#personal#move back to your small hometown they said#it'll be fun they said#me chanting over and over again:#if you live here you get to see your family all the time#(this is a good thing for me i love my brother and his family)#dude honestly this whole thing is just hilarious at this point#anyway newest drama is that one of the parents thinks it's suspicious that i 'quit' the same time my best friend moved away#the shit that is being said about us right now??? fucking wild#i haven't told any of those kids why i really left because they don't need me to be gossiping about their current coach to them#that would be so unprofessional of me#i say like she wasn't spreading rumors about me to THEM directly last year#we are all in our 30s here why are we acting like fucking teenagers still#i'm about to be real petty when i go visit next week though#'oh my god you won't believe what i heard crystal is telling people at her salon'#to the coach not the kids lol#i have a sneaking suspicion that the she is involved in this gossip in an adjacent way not directly#and i want her to think about the shit she says before she says it#she's mad that i don't want to coach jv when i told her multiple times i don't want to run my own program#and that i'd be happy to help her out as an assistant coach but that having to deal with parents is my worst actual nightmare#see what's happening right now#literally the only reason i applied is because i love those kids and they were all freaking out about my friend leaving#because they thought their current coach was also going to be leaving#and i was like hey i won't leave you guys don't worry#it's her fault that she chose not to include me in any of her brainstorming for next year#if she really wanted me to be involved she would have been talking to me about it back in april#i'm literally barely pulling myself out of my grief hole about losing coaching#and i could have stayed around but i would have been miserable#because it wouldn't have been in the capacity that i really wanted#oof okay i feel a little better after venting a bit
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i keep going pretty quiet and inactive over here... wehh consequences of spending time on your private twitter... hi my tumblr friends i miss you i have no idea what any of you have been up to but i hope you're well đ
#i've just needed a much quieter void to talk into instead of broadcasting to the whole world that i have Prablems#i'm okay btw i'm not having another life-ruining catastrophe like i did in 2022 LMFAO i'm just#learning about my brain! or at least i'm trying to. anyway this is stuff that doesn't need airing out where the whole world can see it#and i don't want it to be that's scary and bad#so i'll go back to my hidey hole now đ«Ą love you guys đ«
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Yes, it's technically Thursday, I'm always a bit behind the wheel. I got tagged by @grayintogreen, and I figured...well, what the hell. Maybe sharing a little bit of Unhappy Families will help with the writing motivation; I'm stuck in 1945 and absolutely dreading writing 1947, which is probably part of the problem. Turns out, trying to figure out how to write a downward spiral bender ending in a drug overdose? Not exactly fun!
But anyway. I don't really know who to tag but if you're working on something and want to share with the class, consider this a poke in the ribs?
And without further adieu, here's a little bit from Unhappy Families (or: one went up, two went down), specifically from 1929:
Pops dropped them off along the banks of the Hudson after what felt like the longest, quietest, most awkward car ride of Jonathanâs life. Tonyâd sat uncomfortably close to him the entire time, his hands balled into two white-knuckled fists. Pops was silent the entire time, only speaking when the car stopped and he popped the trunk open to hand them two shovels.
âYou two, get digginâ. Iâm going to grab a few things and pick up our guest, and Iâll be back in thirty. I expect to see a decent size hole when I get back, understood?â
He and Tonyâd quickly mumbled out a âyessirâ that seemed to satisfy Pops, who gave them a short nod, got back in the car, and drove off. Without looking at Tony, Jonathan started to dig. It was almost second nature to him at this point; heâd been digging graves for his father since he was fourteen, it was easy at this point to just turn his brain off and work through the task methodically. In, up, out, in, up, out.
He let himself get lost in the task and didnât notice right away that Tony wasnât digging until he caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of his eye, gripping the shovel and staring at it like he couldnât understand what it was.
âTonyâŠya gotta dig. You canât leave me doinâ all the work myself here.â
Tony just kept staring at the shovel.
âFer ChrissakeâŠTony, Popsâll know you didnât dig when he gets back. You gotta at least try, kid.â
Fuck, was he shaking? Heâd been doing so well, too, kept it together in the car the whole time, why did he have to slip up now? Christ. With a groan, Jonathan shoved his shovel into the dirt and walked over to his little brother. âTony. Look. I know what youâre thinking. AndâŠyou canât think, with this sort of stuff. You think it was easy for me when Pops took me out to do this for my first time?â
He still thought of it sometimes, that night when he was fourteen, when Pops took him along to take out a few rival soldiers mooching in their territory. The way theyâd begged and pleaded, their terrified eyesâŠhow quick his father was with his gun, not even blinking as he shot man after man in the head. The way the blood spray looked on the wall behind them. The smell of blood and bodily fluids and gunpowder.
How heavy the shovel had been. How heavy the bodies were.
âYou justâŠyou get used to it. You learn to turn your brain off and go somewhere else. DonâtâŠdonât think of it as digginâ a grave, Tony. Yer in Mammaâs garden, helping her plant the tulip bulbs in the spring. JustâŠwe do what Pappa wants,â he said quietly, staring into the hole heâd been digging. âIâve told ya before. Keep acting the way he wants you to, and when it gets tough justâŠhide in your head for a bit, let instincts take over. Eventually, it gets easier.â
âIs that what you do?â
â...yeah. Yeah it is.â
Tony sniffled and looked at the hole, the shovel, taking a deep breath and closing his eyes. When he opened them again, he had this look of grim, strangely cocky determination on his face, and he shot Jonathan a toothy grin.
âBet I can dig faster than you.â
âLike hell you can, you little shit!â
For a few minutes, the two of them were able to forget why they were engaged in a digging contest; they were just two brothers trying to get one over on the other. AndâŠit was nice.
And then the car came back.
#wip Wednesday#(but on a Thursday)#Unhappy Families#hazbin fanfic#god I'm nervous sharing anything from this. I hope it's okay.#I haven't had a proper beta reader so we've been flying solo#doing all sorts of research and stuff#the plan is to finish writing it and then go back and take a second pass at everything#you know. polish it all up.#god willing I'll get this done by...fuck idk. November? hopefully earlier.#but we're aiming for november as the latest finish time because of nanowrimo#...anyway.#gonna slink back into my hole now.
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