#All of these would make me happy cry so
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#Fanfic#im just so curious#All of these would make me happy cry so#And I’ve gotten some of these things!!#pls reblog for larger sample size#fanfiction#ao3#Ppl who engage with fics are the best#And I feel like engagement wildly varies within fandoms
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can't believe im saying this but long time no megumi
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#fushiguro megumi#megumi fushiguro#jjk megumi#jjk art#am i getting my speed back or am i just procrastinating what im Actually supposed to me doing the answer may surprise u#regardless i realized i havent drawn megu properly since waaaaay pre-halloween and i was feeling the withdrawals#i wanted to get a handle on this newish render style with yuuji first bc i think the lighter hair forces me to know what im doing#vs with black u can hide things a lot better so its easy to play it safe and revert 2 usual habits#so im rly happy i did yuuji first bc these bruise-y colours on megumi's hair look SO good i cld cry#im rly enjoying this thing where i put whatever colour down wherever without worrying abt being too precious with it#the bright neon salmons the dusty purples the olive greens these r all colours i would not normally turn to#esp fr skin#but its so FUN it makes the lighting so fun and saturated and interesting to look at#overall this ws nowhere near as meticulous or 'clean' as the yuuji draws but i didnt needit to b so its ok#this ws just an afternoon#n i just needed to draw megumi :'> i abandoned my boy..........#yall im having fun drawing again pro tip if u feel stuck Do New Things#yet another lesson you think i wld have Retained after 21 years of drawing
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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Meme dump yayyy🥳✨️
(off to make more now muhahaha >:3)
#SIGH WHERE HAD LILI DISAPPEARED TO THIS TIME? TSK TSK SMH 😔#Now now my dearest darling loyal subjects fret not~!!#your beloved princess shall answer all your worries away ~★#mwah mwah~<3#heh~🤭🩷#Soooo updated time!!! >_<#I'm on a road trip halfway across the country rn (was a fun bad idea..my cousins and I nearly had a heat stroke TWICE but it's soo worth it#...I'll hopefully be back by tonight because it's my grandfather's birthday tomorrow and we're planning a surprise party for him#Muhahaha >:3#* happy dances*#Anyways I had time to kill between crying while playing mystic messenger together with my cousin#(I'm making her do Saeran's route sjbqbjjbqjbqbj9ioqjqhiqohwu9wh9uwub I LOVE HIM I ADORE HIM HE WAS THE FIRST CHARACTER I EVER WANTED TO#MARRY HE IS SO DREAM HUSBAND CODED SIJSB8YWBUW MY POOR POOR SWEET ANGEL BABY YOU DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER#THE WORLD DOES NOT DESERVE YOU AAHHHIHSIHAIJIAJ AND OMG HIS ENDING SONG IT ALWAYS MAKES ME CRY SJOBSOJHJSH0SSUS0SSHU0IS0HISH0IS0JHSHJS0HIS0#EVEN IF YOU WERE AN EXPIRED LOLIPOP I'D STILL EAT YOU!! I'D ALWAYS EAT YOU AND ONLY YOU NO MATTER WHAT#I-I MEAN PICK YOU!!! I'D ALWAYS PICK YOU NO MATTER WHAT!! NOT TO SAY THAT I WOULDN'T CANNIBALISE YOU!!#GIVE ME THE CHANCE AND I'D LICK YOU UP I WON'T LEAVE A SINGLE DROP BEHIND O-OF THE LOLIPOP OF OFC NOT TO SAY I WOULDN'T DO THE SAME IF IT#WAS HIS C- I'LL STOP MUST CONTROL I CAN'T WRITE ESSAYS HERE OF HOW MUCH I LOVE AND WANT SAERAN AHHHH MY HEART🥺🩷🩷😭😭)#*cough cough*sooo anywho I'm normal now dw!!😇✨️ (/lie)#and us reading ORV (I'm on chapter 340 something rn and kdj is kdj and i just want to soksjnss9hsj9sbu that stupid squid (/affectionate)#and if I start ranting rn it would never end...#so expect like a 80000 words essay when I'm done with the full novel🫠)#I cleared out my phone gallery yayyy heh🥳🤭 and found so many RH memes that I never posted lmao#Oh!!! And I've noticed something even though I'm a Vin girly through and through#(as evidenced by the fact that my blog is quite literally a shrine to him)#I always end up making Crux memes more...That stupid green onion clown you're so easy to love😔🩷#Anyways Lili out now mwah mwah mwah 🩷🩷🫂✨️#♡{reanimated heart}♡#reanimated heart#reanimatedheart
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happy valentine’s day! 💛💙
#persona 3#ryomina#ryoji mochizuki#minato arisato#makoto yuki#lizzy does art#GUYS... THE RYOMINA TAG IS IN SHAMBLES.... WHY IS THERE SO MUCH B0T SP4M IN THERE IM GOING TO CRY#we need a ryomina renaissance...... shoutout to these guys for inventing love + romance + soulmates + etc etc#ok but seriously though i love seeing peoples ryojis and minatos :) i love knowing that there are other people who are touched by them!!#if ryoji is smiling then im smiling. ryoji's happiness is important. but also ryoji would literally not exist without minato SOOOO#they are so inseparable and i fucking love them truly one of the top ships of all-time for me.... i cherish them lots!#also i love drawing chibis :) trying to focus on bite-sized sillies that make me happie... full comps aren't it for me atm
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Princess Katelyn in this on her wedding day, yes or no??🤔
Been VIBRATING with the need to draw more royal kateaaron for this AUGH
I mean LOOK. LOOK AT THIS, THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINE AARON WEARING TO THEIR WEDDING. maybe more silver but that’s okay we can do that
They’d look so good. Katelyn in this dress and Aaron in this suit, they’re such a power couple if we’re being completely honest with ourselves. Katelyn kisses him first in excitement, but once he catches his balance Aaron sweeps off his crown and kisses her as she deserves to be kissed (lots of smiles and little laughs and very sweetly)
Find the royal au masterpost here 💕
#still haven’t figured out their earrings#but that’s okay we got time#I. love them#I want the twins to be the ones holding bouquets#palmetto tradition is that the equivalent party (Aaron and Andrew) present their spouse with a special bouquet#and usually the spouse likes to be surprised by the kinds of flowers#so Katelyn told Aaron to surprise her with her flowers at their wedding and Aaron agonized about it for DAYS#I haven’t looked into what he might choose#but it’s a good way for him to show he can be just as sappy as Andrew#under the right circumstances#he made sure this wedding was wonderful#which was maybe unnecessary bc Katelyn would have been happy just eloping#(though the wedding was admittedly nice)#she’s just happy to be with Aaron#they make me CRY#fan art#my art#aftg#all for the game#aaron minyard#katelyn#very funny that in this au we have 1) no canon katelyn surname#2) no family name for Abram bc he gave it up#so they’re allllll minyards now#good times all around#kateaaron#royal au#asks#kisses
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Ride 761: Reserve
Pag 1
1: Please get ready the allen key, the allen key
Time is going by
Yessir!!
6mm
Yessir
4: You gotta calm down
Ye.... yessir, teh!!
You're frozen stiff
Pag 2
1: Sugimoto-san, where do I put this
The supplies box is under the foil bag over there, so put it in there
2: Ah, here?
Wait
3: Whose shoulder bag is that?
Kaburagi-san's....
4: (NdT.: the writing says “Kaburagi”)
7: This way, you won't have to look for it when you'll have to take it out
Oh... thank you so much!
Time is short when you have to hand it over, so you need to take your time with preparation beforehand
8: 40 minutes before the start!!
Pag 3
1: Alright, let's get your heartbeat up one more time
Yessir, teh
Is he alright?
Soon my role as a reserve will be over
Pag 4
1: Pfuui, it's hot
Together with the signal gun at the start....
3: No....
4: I guess it's already over?
6: These six people are already rock solid
Pag 5
1: I'm sure they'll run a good race
2: How about you sit down? Sugimoto-kun
The preparations are almost done
3: And you've been standing on your feet working since this morning
Pag 6
6: I feel.... disappointed
7: Even though I lost during training camp, I was still told I'd be the reserve
I guess I still “felt like I had a chance”
Pag 7
1: Say, Sugimoto-kun
Huh
Ah, yes!?
2: Why did you start riding bikes?
4: Ah, yeah, I've never told you?
5: Yeah
Well.... it's a silly story
It's just an ordinary story that's not worth listening to- you still want to hear it?
Yeah
7: My father used to ride a road bike
He suggested it to me but I was scared so I didn't
Pag 8
1: But, one day.... ah... well, my father's family home is in Okayama
In the north of Okayama at the border with Shimane, there's a huge mountain called “Mt. Daisen”
2: One time, when he made me get on a rental bike and run, he said “let's go there”, and took me there even though I didn't want to
3: For some reason, I was deeply moved
That majestic mountain's scenery kept changing as I advanced
4: I thought it was really interesting
5: Even though I said I was scared of falling, I soon got absorbed in riding
Pag 9
1: And I thought it was fun
2: I could ride this forever...
3: that's what I thought
4: After that I asked my father to take me to, like, Lake Kawaguch or Hakone on the weekends. We went to Hakone three times, three times (haha)
5: But still, the first time you see the scenery from a mountain is the best
Pag 10
1: Maybe I wanted to see the scenery for the first time
3: When I became an high-school student, I met Naruko, Onoda, and Imaizumi
Well, I had already heard about Imaizumi in middle school races
Those three....
4: I saw them running in the Inter High giving their whole body and soul
Midosuji!!
5: I saw them from up close
Onodaaa
Onoda-kun!!
Onodaaa
Pag 11
1: In my third year, I thought I wanted to see this Inter High's scenery
3: from inside the course
6: For sure
Pag 12
1: It didn't come true though
3: No no
4: Hahaha!! Why am I talking about such gloomy things before the start!!
Sorry, sorry, forget what I said just now, forget it!! Let's be bright!!
5: I'm their support, after all
My role is to be their backup!! Yes!!
Pag 13
2: The participants will be at the starting line soon
3: I give up....
4: Ah, ah
What's wrong?
5: Ah, every year we gather cyclists from each school who failed to enter the race in the “selected team”, right?
6: Yeah, the team with white jerseys and number bibs in the 200s!!
There's a vacancy there
Pag 14
2: Give it your all!
Yes, senpai!!
3: Thirty minutes until the start!!
4: We were informed just now
Are you looking for someone to fill in?
Well... there are conditions... and there's probably no one....
5: who can be ready within fifteen minutes from now
Pag 15
2: Oooii
3: Oh... it's Touji-san
He's in a hurry
Are there troubles? It's the first time I see Touji-san running
4: Sugimoto!!
5: Huh!?
Onii-chan?
6: Why are you in such a hurry.... everyone has finished getting ready, we're going soon
Sugimoto-san?
Huh? Me?
Pag 16
1: Do you want to ride in the Inter High!?
2: Huh!?
3: Run!? In the Inter High!? Eh!?
You're saying this to me!?
I just got a call from the director
4: He's speaking with the main office right now
Pag 17
1: But the the team's six people are rock solid...
2: It's not Sohoku!!
It's the team with white jerseys and number bibs in the 200s!! There's a vacancy there
3: They asked us to lend them a reserve!!
4: You only have fifteen minutes to get ready
Moreover, it comes with strict conditions!!
6: Still, will you run!?
Pag 18
1: Sugimoto....!!
2: Sugimoto...!!
3: Sugimoto-kun!?
5: Sugimoto-san!!
6: Ehy ehy
No, no!!
7: Sadatoki, set the wheels on Sugimoto's frame!!
On!!
Pag 19
2: Wa- wait please. This is the third Inter High and I've always been working for this team behind the scenes
And, I mean, supporting is also an important.... role
Ye-yes, that's it
3: The Inter…..
4: High!?
Me!?
5: This is the important last Inter High, so I'll reliably support Imaizumi, Naruko and Onod-
Pag 20
1: Is there anyone who would throw away their dreams for someone else?
2: My Colnago
Pag 21
1: It's a great opportunity
Run!! Take....
2: This chance!!
Imaizumi....!!
4: That day was hectic for me
Until up twenty minutes before the starts I was frantically doing preparation for the race for everyone
Pag 22
1: And after that, somehow, I wore a jersey I had never seen before
2: And, shaking, I was standing at the starting line of the Inter High
#yowamushi pedal#yowamushi pedal translations#yowapeda#yowapeda manga#yowamushi pedal manga#yowamushi pedal spoilers#ride 761#WHAT A CHAPTER WHAT A CHAPTER!!!#this IH watanabe is really like 'you think you know whats going to happen?? no you dont!!'#nothing is going accordin to keikau ashsakhdf AND I LOVE IT#SUGIMOTOOOOOOOOO#IM SO HAPPY IM GONNA CRY#im a little confused about the team hes running with - like what the point whats the role of that team??? im confusion#BUT whataver HES RUNNING IN THE IH AND I LOVE THAT FOR HIM#also excuse me but that part after hes been all honest with miki and then he tries to play it off like something unimportant .......#killing me would have hurt less#and the fact that hes still saying until the end that hes going to support the other instead bc supporting is important#sugimoto......... bby :')#make your dream come true ;A;
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Hey, Star Trek Writers... -taps the glass-
#star trek#the only people from Voyager's main cast I could see wanting to be a captain are Chakotay ??? maybe? and DEFINITELY Harry Kim#Harry Kim is the only guy on that ship who I'd actually cheer and scream and cry and click my heels if he became captain#bc it's actually something I think he'd be suited for AND it fits with his personality/goals...<3#like I saw a clip from Picard and like...Seven of NINE??? Why would she want to be a captain?? I think in that case 'making captain' is jus#shorthand for 'we finally accept you into structured society and you're no longer an outcast' which I do NOT like#also Tuvok's a captain???? Why???? Nothing about Tuvok screams captain material or that he'd even WANT to be a captain#I imagine him being chief of security or a professor (or both) until retiring - MAYBE a first officer#OH same with Janeway only she would HATE being an admiral and loves being captain#like next they're gonna tell me that B'Elanna Torres is a starfleet captain* - NO ! she is an ENGINEER!#Sorry I can't get over how bad Tuvok would be as a captain - he's not suited for it and does NOT seem interested#*so that we can all go 'oh yay I accept this as shorthand for the federation accepts her' - HEY#if the only thing you can think of to show that a character has achieved true happiness & respect & peace is becoming a 'respectable' rank#in the future pseudo not-military: maybe think about that more deeply
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#yup‚ yup..!#b– bidoof! waaahhh! yeah. you thought this post was gonna be happy. then i reminded you of *that* scene. yeah. it makes me cry too. s. snif#time to think about all those theories that bidoof is actually the one who caused the end of the world‚ huh? by jirachi's hand and all#bidoof#i don't think i liked him very much in my first playthrough of pmd sky to be honest. just the fact that he was only really relevant for the#beginning of the game and he was also only relevant for being Barely higher rank than the player team so he could show them around#which was cute and all. and then obviously he came back right for the end which. sob. cry. sniffle. so i like him now. more than i did#which is good. i wouldn't want anyone to not like bidoof. after everything he's been through? he doesn't deserve to not be loved…#look at that face. would you dislike that face? i would not dislike this face. not again
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- No, this is one duel I refuse to lose! -
#“I'm staying by your side!” and I cry all my tears#“I won't let you leave me!” and the tears just don't stop#“I want to linger in this moment... but I have a mission!” I'm desperate about them#Yuma fought so fiercely to save Astral from his fate#he fought with all himself to keep Astral with him#he used everything he had learned from Astral and the duels fought at his side to find another ending for them#the way Yuma proclaimed that he would stay at Astral's side#He was holding on to every hope to save Astral (and Utopia symbolized that same hope)#and you can see so clearly the determination and the desperation of Yuma#it's in his expression it's in his words he wouldn't have let Astral die no matter what#even if that meant defeat Astral#even though Astral's mission had the purpose of protecting their worlds Yuma wouldn't have leave him sacrifice himself#The line about how the memories of the duels they had fought together has become Yuma's flesh and blood#is just like what Yuma had said in ep 48#but here Yuma is screaming all at this to Astral#I love these two too much#and yet they make my heart cries#they wanted to stay together but their fate was already decided and just one of them has accepted that (although with sadness)#I want them to be happy#This duel destroys me every time I read it#Now excuse me as I go to cry in a corner because of these panels#astral zexal#astral yugioh#yuma tsukumo#zexal#yugioh zexal#yu gi oh zexal#ygo zexal#zexal manga#zexal manga spoiler
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Sweet things from an otherwise brutal week:
—ran into a parent who saw me and said “Macbeth right now, right? My son is so excited about it” and when I say I would never have ever guessed that. Except that as soon as he said it I was like oh yeah, he’s been volunteering to read more than usual and looks the smallest bit more awake
—I was doing some basics of writing review with my sophomores and touched on the ‘don’t use first person pronouns’ rule and we were talking about why and then Jane Eyre popped into my head so I told them that first person pronouns could be used to great effect in fiction and quoted the “reader I married him” line and two girls GASPED in wonder and delight. It was the CUTEST
—I passed two 7th graders in the hallway and they were talking about chicken nuggets and I said “I LOVE chicken nuggets” and they started to laugh and as I left I heard one of them say ‘I love Miss K.’
#I would also add that when I taught my 8th graders the word evocative one of them raised their hand and was like ‘hey is that what happens#to the food critic in ratatouille’#and I was so delighted that then we watched that scene for 10 minutes#but my anxiety won’t leave me alone about that choice#lol#so#teaching tag#anyway just recording. also faith if you’re reading this this is why your ask last night made me cry and was perfect timing#😭😭😭😭😭😭#anyway the chicken nuggets moment made me spiral a little bit because I was like ‘what if that’s the only reason anyone likes me’#‘and I’m not actually a good teacher’#also also. the Macbeth student has been going through a brutal time lately and I think this is part of turning a corner#so that makes me so happy#anyways sorry this is ALL the details but just trying to get it all out
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RexWalker Week 2023 - Day 7: Rain / A Crying Kiss Illustrated for the fic "Nightmare for Others, Dream for the Self" by @battlekilt
Was unfortunately extremely busy the last few weeks and didn't think I would be able to manage anything for RexWalker Week; but I just had to illustrate something for my friend's fic because their writing for the week is bloody brilliant, and the Batakin AU is so very special.
So here it is, kind of encompassing a few prompts, but dominantly the Rain and Kiss, because these two deserve it and the writing is worth the world.
Enjoy!
@rexwalker-week
#Rain#A Crying Kiss#mostly proud of the translucent portions of Anakin's wings#they make me very happy#both the pose and them#love for friendo's ships#and so much more love for friendo's writing#the best#can't change my mind#also it was so much fun to speculate on Anakin's outfit#just thinking through how it would all work#I am very tired but quite happy#rexwalkerweek23#anakin skywalker#clone captain rex#rexwalker#anakin x rex#fanart#my art#fanfic#others wonderful writing#star wars#clone wars#batakin au#battlekilt
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and you— you were happy.
#top one most heartbreaking scenes in the world.......................#m#gifs#billyhargroveedit#needed a break from trying to make palette sets and Colour Specific Gifs for billy week work and somehow thought /this/ would relax me??????#now im just fucking SAD#billy hargrove#its the WAY u can see him like. fucking PHYSICALLY reacting#to when el says 'she was pretty'#like he's fighting with himself SO HARD to like.#OKAY NO LISTEN! its the way that when el ventured into his head the first time#she saw him. on the beach#with his mumma. grinning from ear to fucking ear#but surrounded with The Neil Of IT All still#like even his happiest memories where clouded with neil#so like. even when billy retreats into his head- into his HAPPY place#its STILL got neil just on the outskirts........ always still there.....always overshadowing and like. eventually taking over.#so el!!!!!!! when el fucking looks up at him!!!!!!!!! crying and begging!!!!!!!!!! she just!!!!!!!!!!!#she brings forward all those memories!!!!!!!! except she cuts neil out!!!!!!!!!!!!!! focusing on his mum!!!!!!!!!!!#highlighting every single fucking detail!!!!!!!!!! that billy can never focus on!!!!! because even his happiest memory isn't safe#and els just like!!!!!! the wave was seven feet!!! u told her it was seven feet!!! and there was sand in her shoes!!! and she was pretty!!!#she was really pretty!!!!! and you WERE HAPPY.#the way billy fucking breaks??? after she says 'she was pretty'#and then the way his face Does That and he nods along with 'she was REALLY pretty'#then the 'and you- you were Happy.' part#like#i fukcing WISH i died instead
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interesting to me how when i turned 19 i was kinda terrified bc i was like “oh shit this is my last year as a teenager….. i won’t be a teenager after that… i wanted to be a teenager for all of my childhood and now that part’s almost Over. aaaaugh” and now approx. 9 months later i cannot fucking WAIT to stop being a teenager oh my god i am ready to move on. 20s please i would like to be in them. i am done being 19 thank you !!!
#marzi speaks#it’s . probably bc of the vasculitis thing#which like. while it is a traumatic thing that i need to work through and plan on going to therapy about#it also put a LOT of things into perspective for me#and like actually i do not think i am afraid of growing up anymore !#i mean i still have like. the imposter syndrome and the fear of getting overwhelmed and falling behind#that’s not gonna go away overnight that’s been there for as long as i can remember#BUT!! i know deep down that i can figure it out now.#bc i figured out a lot. i figured out how to gauge my physical well being#i figured out how to be someone who can regularly make phone calls without crying#i figured out pharmacies. and i’m figuring out how insurance works#and appointments and withdrawing from school and reapplying to school#and all of the lifestyle changes that come with having an autoimmune disease#i’m learning self advocacy. i’m learning how to respond when people treat me poorly (always accidentally so far)#yeah getting my license has been hard and slow just bc i have all the anxiety shit about it. but i AM putting that effort in#i dunno it’s just. adult responsibilities are horrifying and the prospect of existing independently in our current society#is horrifying. and i think i’ll always be scared.#but i used to think i might not be able to handle it. that i would fall apart#i know now that i won’t. i will find a way to move forward and be happy. because that’s what i’ve always done#if i can take the scariest couple of months in stride the way that i have. then i think i can handle it#anyways. 19 was eventful enough can i be 20 now. i think being 20 would be good for me#still a Weird thing to think about. two whole decades. but like i can do it methinks
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procrastination is starting to have its consequences finally
#on my friends living room floor they love together but one of them has been london for weeks or maybe months#to be with her love. im on a foam mattress from one of their beds next to a glass bottle of water opened by one of them#in a mug given to me by another. the weather felt like my childhood today and it also felt like 2 years ago.#(put space in the heavens Einstein's idea and hes your friend too so nothing to fear) around the table they drank and laughed and i thought#i hope you keep growing so full with the love you receive . i hope your appetite becomes insatiable from how used to it you are#and i know youre all leaving soon but i hope one day you miss this and that youll be happy you miss it#its worth missing i think#i thought he didnt care but he said after exams hes going walk around this area over and over#(this is near where he lived and where we visited almost daily for a year)#(hed come across the bridge on a lake)#we went where she used to live and at the entrance a fox sat calmly. it just yawned and stared.#it felt important somehow. i think maybe their impressions of me will never be close to how i feel inside but i think#i love them enough for that not to matter. i dont think theyll ever know this. i dont think if they did it would change much.#and seeing them smile makes my heart glow anyway. today i tried their malaysian tea the ginger burned my throat#they warmed my heart. hes going to canada soon and hes going to the US soon and shes going everywhere soon ill never understand#how were supposed to live with memories and with seperation and with the past but we do it anyway so i think it doesnt matter much#i wanted to write a poem for the lab rats with the fibre optic wires lit with blue forcing them to turn around and around#something about how im sorry that the two photon arrays burned the inside of your brain. im sorry about the sharp points of multielectrode#arrayes. im sorry about everything we do to you. she asked to see me tomorrow. im trying to have self control but i miss her so awfully#last night my friend talked to me and i updated on everything that happened with love and the lack of it and she just started laughing#and she told me about the same thing from her side. and she told me about how she loved london because she would walk the streets#and she felt like the people were her. and her eyes would go over the people and the bag of bagels and the construction men they probably#have a kid at home maybe shes a daughter. this kid is crying for her mother and the building you just walked past caused#blisters and pain and people died in it and very likely people were born in it. we talked for hours and i felt like#i was holding her hand just like that time she held mine watching a horror film. i love her so much#my friend is a genius and i remember her picking up the charms of my phone and staring at the leaf hanging from them. shes side stepping to#music drinking dangerous cider and cocktails from a movie and chit chatting with billionaires and undergrads#i love her dearly. his head covered in electrodes. she tells me about a syrian guy shes in love with and she says#what you feel and what i feel is like cocaine. ive tried a lot of fucking cocaine.#she says ive reminded her of what living actually feels like and to never put energy into someone who doesnt see me this way.
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being so honest I don’t understand how people can expect you to be doing things constantly every single day. I’m supposed to be on summer break but my university expects me to send in 80 sources for my senior thesis by next week
the very thought of doing school work right now makes me want to cry. I can’t even open a blank document and start writing for my own fics. I can’t even engage in my own hobby right now because I’m so mentally exhausted. how can you expect me to do thesis work? I’ve hardly had a break since finals
my personal life has been an ongoing shitshow since last summer. and has only gotten worse in recent months. how can you expect someone to function in society when you throw one thing after another at them?
I’m so tired and done. but I have no choice other than pushing through it because that’s what’s expected of me! that’s exhausting
#delete later#sorry I’m really frustrated rn#and screaming into the void is a better solution than keeping it bottled up#I really want to disappear rn#I’m not finding enjoyment from the things I love any more#I physically can’t bring myself to write#I’ve been stuck in this survival state since winter#everything feels so bad and overwhelming#I think I need a break or something#I don’t know#I don’t know what’ll help anymore#I don’t know what’ll make me feel better#I just want to cry#all the time#I miss writing. I miss being proud of what I wrote#I miss when I would be able to post something and I was happy with it#when I didn’t feel like I had to rewrite it over and over#I miss feeling like myself#lately I’ve just… felt like a stranger in my own body#going through the motions of life#and y’know what fuck I miss feeling like I was cared for#and loved#but I’m Me so yknow. I don’t get that#maybe I should take a nap
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