#relatable? Or understandable or just something that really resonates. To anyone who cares about nature or who has been a child and felt

[mightydyke]

Watched Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind a few nights ago and I loved it so much. Obsessed with all the metaphors and the symbolism. When Kushana said she wanted to destroy the toxic jungle in order for humans to rule the world again, but we know or can guess that humans trying to gain too much power is probably the exact reason why the toxic jungle is so dangerous. And then we learn that the jungle itself isn't toxic, it's just the soil and water that has been poisoned by human activity!! And the fact that the forest actually purifies the water! And of course Nausicaä discovers this by going into the jungle and learning about it. She's a hero because she studies ecology.

I also loved the theme of the danger of violence, and also Nausicaä trying so hard to stay as pacifist as is feasible even when violence is so tempting. During the battle in the castle in the Valley of the Wind when Tolmekian soldiers are invading, Nausicaä fights them off but she's blocked by Yupa and her sword goes through his arm. My friend was like "surely if he's a master swordsman he knows not to block with his arm?" but I was like "No it shows the damage of violence and how war hurts everyone!!" Another moment that seemed really key to me was when the Tolmekian airship was getting attacked and Nausicaä goes to steal a gunship. Kushana sees her and smiles because she thinks Nausicaä is going to use this ship for battle, that she's been seduced by violence, but then Nausicaä uses that ship to save Kushana! She transforms this weapon into a vehicle of peace, when using it for violence would be so easy, she chooses a different path and that scares Kushana more than anything, which is why she tries to take back control using her gun in the toxic jungle, even though Nausicaä knows that this is only going to cause more suffering. Of course there's the ending where she stops the stampeding Ohm not by force but by empathy, taking the pain of the baby Ohm onto herself when she goes into the acid lake trying to save it, and her dress is stained from it's blood, symbolically allowing its suffering to change her so she can understand it, bringing peace by sacrificing herself, not the Ohm (honestly you could read Nausicaä as a sort of Christ-figure but that's a whole other post). For me, a big thing that really resonated with me and drove in the idea of choosing peace over violence even when it's really hard was every time that Nausicaä cried. Every time she cried I felt like I understood the frustration and feelings of powerlessness so vividly. When she tells Yupa she's going to cut off the water to her underground plants so that they die, just like how the jungle is going to die, because the Tolmekians are stronger and forcing them to go along with the plan, and I could *feel* the anger that everything she'd worked so hard for would be destroyed because she wasn't powerful enough to stop it. And this feeling of helplessness is so similar to when she tried to hide a baby Ohm but it was killed by her own people and her own father. And when she learned of Pejite's plan to use the Ohm to destroy the valley of the wind and she just cant convince these people not to murder her valley. And when she sees the baby Ohm and how much it's been injured and she says something like "I'm so sorry for what we did to you" whilst crying... I felt that so much. And all the time it's because she realises the value in all life, and she can't convince people who see life as worthless compared to their greed, but because she knows life is so valuable she can't respond with violence, but her path of always valuing life works in the end! She doesn't need any weapons when she has compassion and ecology.

[gorgeousgalatea]

You know what I'm trying to finally write again and anywhere is a good place to start so here are some bite sized reviews of my bite sized YA binge (including two other books I read a few weeks earlier):

The Narrow, by Kate Alice Marshall: This was a book I borrowed after skimming it with a strong impression I would enjoy it, and thankfully I was right! The main character is the daughter of two well off but neglectful parents who spend way more time on her deeply troubled brother, to the point where she doesn't find out they forgot to pay for her final year at boarding school until she's already arrived. Fortunately the wealthy parent of a sickly student is willing to cover her tuition, as long as she rooms with and takes care of that student for the year. Pity she's pretty sure she's the reason that student is sick. Oh, and their dorm room is haunted as hell.

The Narrows deals a lot with the subject of abuse--both romantic and familial--while couching it in an atmospheric ghost story. I liked the tone and the characters, and one thing I really enjoyed is that it used its first person narrative to paint a very familiar romantic fiction picture of the main character having no one else to relate to or rely on other than their new love interest who is ~the only one who understands them~, and deliberately made that the product of her own insecurities. The ghost and possession element also explored sense of self and identity in a way that pinged pretty hard with my ozqrow days. Bittersweet ending, but would recommend for anyone into sapphic ghost stories.

Before the Devil Knows You're Here, by Autumn Krause: Ehh this was the mediocre apple story. I loved the summary--the main character's struggling single father passes away suddenly, and before she even has time to mourn, the monster her father has been warning her about her entire life shows up on their doorstep to steal away her brother as well, so she sets out to find the monster and save her brother. I dunno, the problem could be me, that summary had me expecting Guillermo del Toro style Labyrinth--which I am now realizing someone could say "don't you just mean Pan's Labyrinth" and no, I mean the relationship with maturity and sexual awakening where the monstrous is outwardly monstrous--and that's...really not what it was at all. It was "what if Johnny Appleseed made a deal with the devil," which kudos, I have not seen before, but wasn't really into in its execution. I do appreciate a heroine with guile, though, and she does have that.

I Fed Her to the Beast and the Beast Was Me, by Jamison Shea: The premise of this one is pretty straightforward--a talented black ballet student makes a deal with a dark entity to have the opportunity to actually make it into the prestigious Parisian ballet troupe she's been chasing after her whole life, and discovers that being part of a cult with monstrous powers is actually less toxic than being a girl of color in the Parisian professional ballet scene. I really liked this one, it wasn't afraid to have its leading lady be monstrous and cruel and wrong, and it also made it clear which parts of her mindset were just the product of spending so long in a cut-throat industry that spent every moment rejecting her. The ending was a bit too neat for me, but overall the atmosphere was great. Genuinely almost anything with a title like that is probably something I'll end up enjoying lmao

What Stalks Among Us, by Sarah Hollowell: Two best friends get stuck in an evil corn maze! This wasn't my favorite, but I still enjoyed it a lot; the main character's habit of self-censoring even among friends was very resonant with me. The story hits the ground running and has good momentum on exploring the mystery of the maze and how it came to be. The nature of the maze is ultimately rooted in [womp womp] trauma, so that's a major element of the story, and unfortunately there is greater focus on the main character's trauma with her best friend supporting her, but I guess that's to be expected in a first person narrative. It still is ultimately about their friendship! Which is portrayed as valuable as is without developing into anything else.

The Spirit Bares Its Teeth, by Andrew Joseph White: Ultimately the most brutal of the books but I think that was what I liked about it. The main character is a trans boy in an 1882 London where mediums are a hot commodity but the women are only prized as potential baby makers for male mediums. The main character is caught trying to escape his conservative family and inevitable impending marriage, and sent to a corrective boarding school designed to turn mentally unwell spiritually sensitive women into demure brides. This boarding school is run about the way you would expect, and most of the story is the main character realizing just how bad it is and figuring out what can be done to escape. The exactly one way he's gotten lucky is that he and his future betrothed turn out to be t4t and are really quite cute together, but the main character is an aspiring surgeon and that means the story is not afraid to get visceral. Which really elevated the tone; there's room for a sequel in the ending to this one that I wouldn't mind reading.

[diorngl]

Dear Jimin fans,

I could start with a hundred disclaimers but I will not. My greatest hope is that in all these words, you will see a modest heart who wishes to help. This is written to those who are PJMs/Jimin fans, if you're not and you want to read this - that's fine too. Maybe you are a casual fan and are interested to understand, this may help and I'll be happy if it did. But really this is for those who claim being PJMs/Jimin fans.

It has been a few years since I discovered him. I was scrolling through Youtube, and there popped up a video called 'Blood, Sweat & Tears'. The thumbnail caught my eye, so I clicked on it. I saw a person. No, a creation of art. Who is he? I was shocked, then I was overwhelmed with admiration. I remember just sitting there in awe, replaying those first few seconds over and over again, trying to comprehend that what I was seeing was real. I looked into it, stumbled upon other people who felt the same way when they saw him and knew immediately. It just resonates, doesn't it? There was no confusion for me. I know real talent when I see it. My eyes were only on Jimin.

As I started to watch more content about him: Official bangtan bombs, vlives, fan cams, my admiration only kept growing as it became clear that not only he is a one in a lifetime performer, but he's the kindest, most emotionally intelligent and in a world where those qualities are very rare, it was amazing to me to find someone so genuine.

But unfortunately, not everyone values that. It became clear very quickly to me that the fanmade content that involves him across various media platforms is not made with the intent of keeping Jimin's feelings, boundaries, and best interests in mind.

From BTS introduction videos painting him as insecure, weak, needy, clingy, overly emotional (as if being in tune with your feelings is a bad thing smh) and cheerleader to the other members, to videos with titles like: "Jimin is a freaky bitch" "Jimin is a pervert" "Jimin is a flirt" and things of that nature. There is something very mean spirited about the way they portray him.

Naturally, I was uncomfortable with seeing this and as with everything I see, I questioned it. Is this really true? Where is this coming from? And why doesn't anyone do anything about it? I didn't understand why a fandom who claims to love him so much, would let such defamatory content not only exist, but gain so many views. We're talking million of views for each video/content with these titles.

I mean, ARMY have been known to threaten creators for less awful things than that. So why were they so silent? While it's expected to see all sorts of things about celebrities online, in none of those cases was there such a movement of misleading, misinformed content about an artist from their own fandom, from inside the fandom. You would expect such malicious and defaming content from haters, not people who claim to be fans of the group that person is a part of.. It’s almost as if, he’s not part of BTS. But it was ten times worse because he was, he IS a part of BTS but is treated like an outsider, with the attackers pretending to love him, but end up using their closeness to him as “fans” to twist his words, use his caring nature and vulnerability against him, knowing where to hurt him the most. I was overwhelmed by sadness. What has Jimin ever done to deserve this kind of hatred? I didn't understand why this is happening. I just knew something's not right. This is wrong on so many levels.

Once you get even slightly closer to the fandom, you soon start to realize that Jimin is.. Well, to put it bluntly, not respected or seen properly for who he is by a large majority of the ARMY. And this is why respect is so important. One can be “loved��, but not respected.

The issue is most of them don’t appreciate him for him. They only appreciate him in relation to the other members. As a mirror or a magnifying glass of some sort to amplify the other members existence and talents. He is a human being with his own thoughts, feelings, goals and dreams. He is not anyone’s cheerleader or hype man.

Jimin is often the one who brings new people to the fandom, but before you know it, ARMYs are already bombarding those new people with “oh but this member is better” “wait till you see this member, now HE is the one you’re gonna love more”. Meanwhile, the other members can be praised without any of those ARMYs jumping in like they do with Jimin. He is treated like a rival. The double standards are real.

One of the breaking points for me was the DTs. The amount of indifference from armys about the threats was appalling to witness, reaching the boiling point when Jimin had to answer a journalist about his own DTs in a press conference, and instead of questioning why would Hybe approve such an insensitive question to be asked (and it's been confirmed by a journalist that the company does in fact have to approve questions beforehand), armys reaction was "aww he's worried about us", choosing to willfully ignore the gravity of the situation and instead use Jimin's politeness as proof that he's "okay" and doesn’t really care about it.

Narratives are extremely powerful. They can completely change your view on someone, sometimes indefinitely. Most people take what they see at face value, and if you're not one to dig deeper into the "why" of the matter, you WILL be affected by it and tailor your behavior towards that someone based on that narrative you were fed with. And that’s exactly the case with Armys, who brainwash other Armys/casual listeners with misinformation and harmful narratives about Jimin as we speak.

I've always been conscious of how harmful false narratives can be, but it cannot be more true than in Jimin's case. Almost everything about the trajectory of his career particularly following the rise of BTS to a global status, is tainted by this underpinning cord of a love-hate relationship from ARMYs, who's backhanded compliments towards Jimin and attacks on those who dare to praise Jimin or stand up for him could not even begin to hide their inner disdain, lack of respect and jealousy they feel towards him.

I would say many of us who care for Jimin would have trouble defining ourselves in the beginning. In that first stage you would question everything you learned about the group and the company. About this “family” narrative you have been spoon fed with all this time. You will be left confused, frustrated, and exhausted when seeing that Army/Bighit do not share your wishes and dreams for him, and you will find yourself more often than not feeling hopeless in the face of this seemingly unchanged reality.

As you start to notice the injustice towards Jimin from his work environment, you will evaluate constantly if it’s worth it to get invested in someone who might never get the happy ending you so wish for them. Questioning whether or not you will get to see this amazing person flourish and bloom into the best version of himself. I think what makes it even worse is the lack of permission we, Jimin fans have to simply exist. How many of us can not only be awaken from the propaganda but also have the courage to shout it out loud? It's a rare individual who has that kind of self awareness to discover they are PJMs or a true Jimin fan in a herd mentality environment such as the ARMY fandom, and even more so than discover it, but to be one publicly.

It would be easy to reaffirm what you already know; that being a Jimin fan means feeling left out, misunderstood, and vulnerable to attacks on your character but I noticed that the conversation always ends at a shallow point of view. Even we as Jimin fans don’t dare to dig deeper, usually repeating what’s already been said, but lacking the motivation and resolve to make a change where it really matters.

I noticed we are mostly very private people, we’re not as loud as other “solo stans” nor do we really have a large presence on social media. I believe we do see everything, but due to how all this hatred that is being directed at Jimin and by extension - towards us as fans makes us feel, we’re more comfortable being in the shadows in fear of the attacks, and while that’s not inherently a bad thing at times as self protection is important, we tend to miss out on important details such as how and where exactly these (false)narratives begin and grow due to our fear and lack of presence in certain areas online. We have certain blind spots sometimes. Thus we end up puzzled as the propaganda gets bigger and bigger each day, harder and harder to contain, let alone control. There are many ways of improving situations like these or at least, make the online space more comfortable for us, and in turn - for Jimin himself.

Now, I’m not gonna lie to you and pretend it wouldn’t require some work, which is why we need to be committed to changing the existing situation. There will be ups and downs, and not everything will go smoothly.

Armys are NOT going to change. And it will be useless to try to get them to. I understand some of us are angry, hurt, and even traumatized by their behavior but looking for their validation, asking them to be “truly OT7″, and waiting for them to suddenly change is a waste of time and somewhat pathetic to be honest.

In order for people to even reach the point of loving Jimin unapologetically, it usually requires them to challenge not only their negative bias towards him but also why they think and believe the things they do. It requires people to look inside and ask questions about the things they see and are presented with in terms of the content they watch.

The double standards, the internal misogyny that makes Armys dislike Jimin, the justification and normalization of erasing/discrediting him, all of that operates under the guise of you not being able to think for yourself. Applying critical thinking and stop fearing backlash is the only way to break free.

My goal here is for Jimin fans to expand their space, and reach a point where it doesn’t matter anymore whether we get the permission to be Jimin fans from others, we will just be our own entity. The difference should be in our approach. As we are already demonized for standing up for Jimin, which puts us in a disadvantage when it comes to the image other people have of us, we have to move somewhat differently because whatever we do - we will not get the same reaction as other stans will. They will never give us the benefit of the doubt, they will assume, judge, and allow attacks on our name - just like they do to Jimin.

We’ll have to move in silence, be more organized, and respond instead of react. Just like how armys are the face of BTS, and how BTS are pretty much disliked because of their fanbase - everything we do will reflect on Jimin himself. It shouldn’t really be that way, but the reality is people will try to use that against him whether it’s fair or not. They villainize us to prove that their false narratives about him are true.

It’s all good and well to call out armys on their behavior, but the likelihood of them understanding your point is close to zero because the issue doesn’t affect them. They are less likely to listen, much less care about anything affecting Jimin or his fans. And while the image and reputation of Jimin fans according to armys is always villainized, it doesn’t have to be like that for casuals/locals.

Our safest and most effective bet is to focus on new people, locals/the general public. They are less swayed by fandom antics, but to do that we have to reach them at the right time. Before they get sucked into the rabbit hole and invited into the Army fandom. It will be hard but it can be done. It’s only a matter of keeping our finger on the pulse of things and using our presence to course correct their path when learning new information about Jimin.

Because that’s usually the point where everything goes wrong; New people find themselves enamored with Jimin and wanting to find out more about him, only to then be exposed to the false narratives armys have created of him, resulting in a loss of respect and those new people’s eventual withdrawal from liking him.

I’ve been observing the online space for a long time, and have garnered some knowledge about the process of how people get into this space, how they eventually turn against Jimin, or vice versa. It’s a very messy process and not always so clear, but once you recognize the pattern of the ways these antis make new fans lose respect for Jimin, you also start to understand what needs to be done for those people to reconsider their decision and preventing them to believe the false narrative about him.

As we make the steps for the narrative to improve, the false narratives around Jimin fans will hopefully lessen and we will have our voice, whether people like us or not. The goal is to reach a point where it doesn’t matter anymore what people try to do, Jimin will always be supported so that his (solo)career will flourish smoothly.

Narratives are indeed powerful, but not impossible to change. I want more people to know the sides I have seen of him. Like his maturity, emotional intelligence, professionalism, open mindedness, his respectability, and so much more. The sides that for some reason, a large group of people are desperate to hide and erase in order for him to stop "standing out" in a positive way.

This is a Jimin dedicated blog to share thoughts, and discuss particularly on the Jimin misrepresentation going on mainly on Youtube and other social media platforms, but more importantly than just simply discussing it, actually do something about it. Again, talking is good, but actions make the difference.

[thesacredself]

🍃 Earth Signs: Chakra Reading 🍃

taurus, virgo, and capricorn (sun, moon, rising, and venus). Please take what resonates ✨

The cards that came up for you this week are Recovery and Trickery.

Earth signs, you received Recovery in your last reading. Perhaps there’s something here that you haven’t been addressing quite as effectively as you need to. These cards are in the heart and the third eye chakra, but it seems your third eye is not fully activated right now. This is all about our intuition, our inner child, and how we can find inner guidance. It’s difficult to tap into wounds; we often don’t want the hurt and difficulty that comes with that, yet it’s essential to do so for our own growth. Something has come up for you- a childhood wound, a wound in regards to relationships with others, or just a wound from the past that you really weren’t expecting to come up. You may have already felt it or you may be feeding into it without realising, but what’s good for you right now is to sit with your feelings, to check in with yourself. Once you take a step back and embrace your own emotions, healing naturally happens. If you are able to overcome this obstacle, there is a whole path ahead of you that will be much clearer, much lighter, and much more joyous. You have to ask yourself if you’re ready to sit in that dark space within you, in order to make way for the light. It’s scary, it’s hard, and it’s understandable we want to resist sitting with that, but it really is for the best. Take care of yourself as best as you can, look after yourself in a way you weren’t looked after in the past; be the person you needed back then. Don’t wait for anyone else to bring that compassion to you- give it to yourself. This can be tiring, having to give love to ourselves when others won’t give it to us, but by learning to give ourselves love, understanding, and compassion, we start to learn who is worthy of being in our space and who isn’t. Resultantly, any inner child work at this time might be a good idea.

This may be related to the same issue or may be another theme coming up for you, but you need to ask at this time if your heart is really in it. Whether that be a project, a relationship, taking care of yourself- what is feeling a little lacklustre, emotionally? When someone has hurt us or when we make mistakes, this doesn’t happen because people are inherently bad or you’re inherently bad in any type of way; it happens because we’re humans who want to be deeply loved, recognised, and appreciated. Sometimes, our fear of rejection, of being hurt, of being disappointed get in our way and it’s time to start forgiving yourself or forgiving others. If you find it difficult to handle this kind of emotional burden, it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to ask for time off of work, even just for a day, to ask to speak to a loved one, to seek mental health support, to spend time in a way that is comforting or joyous with another person. Don’t distract yourself from the problem, but let this comfort uphold any negative emotions you’re feeling. Be open-minded as to how and where assistance will come to you; you may be surprised! In order to move forward, it seems like the best thing to do is to be honest, in whatever way that needs to be. Do you need to be honest with yourself about how you’re actually feeling or how your behaviours/perception have fed into the situation? Do you need to be honest with someone else that you’re struggling or be honest about how someone’s affected you? In what ways does your truth call to you right now? What is the truth in your heart and how can you sit with those emotions until you’re ready to move forward? Be honest- at least with yourself- about what it is you need to say or do. This will really help you to move forward.

Journal Prompts

Have I been making space for myself and my emotions? How can I sit in stillness and quiet? Are there any ways that I can embrace my emotions- do I know how to do that? What would happen if I allowed myself to feel my emotions and give them forgiveness, understanding, and love, holding these heavy feelings in a warm embrace? Am I scared of acknowledging and sitting with these heavy emotions? Could I use meditation, mindful walking, or other mindful/spiritual practices to help me with them? Has any hurt come up for me that relates to wounds from my childhood or adolescence? Does the hurt I feel now relate to the way I was treated by others in the past or events that caused me great hurt, embarrassment, or fear? Do I accept the idea that acknowledging my feelings and resting is a form of self-care and healing within itself? Have I been postponing this sense of stillness? Why? How can I treat myself now? How can I do something good for myself now? Is there a way I can ask others for support during this time? Am I waiting for someone else to give me acceptance and compassion when I can give it to myself?

Do I feel there’s an area in my life that’s lacklustre at the moment? Do I fear making a mistake or putting myself out there in case I am rejected or hurt again? Is there a way I can forgive myself for the mistakes I’ve made or forgive others? (This doesn’t necessarily mean letting them back into your space). Is there a way I can lift this emotional burden right now? Is there a way I can address the areas that feel lacklustre, such as injecting more joy, more motivation, more rest? Am I distracting myself from the problem, rather than taking the time to really sit with the issue? Are there ways I’m being dishonest about my thoughts and feelings? Is there a way I can express them healthily and with people who will hold them in empathy and support? Are there people in my life who are being dishonest with me and is there a way I can distance myself from that situation? Where do I need to accept the truth of the situation and what lies in my heart?

For self-love readings or general readings, you can follow my Patreon and receive them straight to your email! 💌

[meeblo]

This is something I tend to think about as well. I also mostly read serialized works these days, or ongoing long book series. In addition to what you said about the growing skill of the author as the work progresses being resonant, I find serialized works can often be much more interesting to discuss and dissect. Due to their incomplete nature, every small release provides a manageable chunk of new information to analyze, theorize regarding, and make predictions off of. This is something that can be done with completed works, but it requires a lot more diligence; you have to pace out chunks to stop at and think about rather than just continuously reading through, and you would need to either establish a read-along with a friend you trust not to read ahead or fall behind. The small size of each release encourage close reading, whereas larger releases or fully complete works are easy to lose the minute in given the larger impact memorable plot beats get over more understated subtleties.

It's for this reason why I can never relate to people who refuse to or prefer not to read unfinished series. Even when a series is on hiatus, cancelled, or otherwise unfinished without regular releases, it can still be a worthwhile and satisfying experience that is in some ways more interesting to dive into than a completed work. An unfinished story naturally invites interpretation and analysis and leaves the reader to think about what will happen next. The momentum of the narrative may be stopped on the page, but it continues through the reader's mind. In order to make predictions about what is to come, a reader naturally becomes more mindful of structural aspects of the narrative, identifying elements of the story in isolation as well as through their connections. Winds of Winter may not be out yet, but that has allowed fans to pick over the series with a fine tooth comb and come to understand the characters and narrative as a whole in a meaningful way that likely would not have had the community momentum to happen if the series was neatly finished. Patrick Rothfuss may never write The Doors of Stone, but the same phenomena occurs. Hunter x Hunter takes long hiatuses due to the author's chronic pain, but that long gap between releases has allowed the complex and layered narrative of the Succession War arc to be understood and appreciated rather than blazed through weekly and dubbed a confusing mess. Springtime of Yuuth, a spinoff AU to The Boy Who Fell, is a comic that will likely never be finished due to shitty commenters on webtoon killing the author's motivation, but the story is still something I have found fascinating enough to reread multiple times; by all means it has not had a satisfying conclusion, the comic has left off at a tense moment, but that tension is in some ways fitting to the themes the series was covering and leaves the reader in a mindset from which they can consider prior conflicts in the series with their proper weight.

Edit: oh my god how did I forget to mention ONE? Seeing his art and writing develop through the One Punch Man webcomic through Mob Psycho 100 and then back to the webcomic is so enthralling. I just don't find any of the things ONE works on drawn by someone else nearly as interesting. Both narratively and visually the connection just doesn't feel there. To anyone who enjoyed One Punch Man conceptually or early on but doesn't really care for where season 2 or really most of the manga took things, I implore you to check out the original source material. It's fascinating, it's far less bloated, and it's much more of an interesting commentary on ONE's own experience as a hobbyist artist, celebrity culture, the corporate use of celebrities as public faces to establish their own power and influence over politics as they push out a failing and corrupt but theoretically well meaning bureaucracy and establish an even worse system wearing a nicer mask in its place, etc. Mob Psycho as well is phenomenal. Obviously the anime is a good adaptation, but the manga just has that something to it with ONE's own art, and can use its medium in interesting ways unadaptable by the anime such as wildly varying chapter length at crucial moments.

I tend to read serialized works more often than completed ones. And after thinking about it tonight, I think it’s because I genuinely find something emotionally resonant out of a story finding itself as it goes on. Something about seeing a 5/10 yuri gag manga slowly develop complex relationship dynamics and a genuinely compelling shounen power system is weirdly inspiring. I dunno, it just like. Makes me feel like I’m going to be alright eventually. Maybe my 5/10 yuri gag life just needs to find it’s shounen power system.

[mikaze-discord]

Quartet Night: Love letters

Annnnnd these are the love letters written for Quartet Night!!!

Please enjoy under the cut~

REIJI KOTOBUKI

From Anon:

I've always been drawn to characters with complex (and fairly dark) personalities, so liking Rei-chan was honestly inevitable for me.

He looks like a very bright and cheerful character at first, which he is, but sometimes that part of him is a little misleading because, in actuality, he's a character that holds a lot of negative feelings about himself due to a past that he can't seem to move on from. He holds a lot of those feelings to himself because he doesn't want to burden anyone else with them. He's a reliable, cunning, and ultimately selfless character that chooses to shoulder a lot on his own out of his infinite care for others, and perhaps a secret sense of atonement, all hidden behind his bright demeanor and goofy smile, and it's endlessly interesting to me.

Besides the duality of his personality, he has a lot of other endearing quirks to love about him. He loves his mom a lot and is a mama's boy. His old-man jargon and catchphrases never fail to amuse (I still can't get over the way he says "my girl"). His obsession with anything even remotely British is something my APH England phase can relate to. His style of music brings a lot of pleasant feelings of nostalgia for me, and his pretty voice suits them a lot. And most of all he's just a very good boy overall. I rate 99999 out of 10 would love and support him and also maybe pay for his therapy because god knows he needs it. Happy anniversary!!

From another anon: 

Would you like to hear a story? You do? Very well then, may this story be one you enjoy.

What do I like about Reiji kotobuki? A Lot of things actually!

Well, I've always really liked Reiji as a character as he seemed to be one of the more interesting characters to me, due to how complex he is with his backstory and general just personality.

I have always really enjoyed how Reiji just solves problems too? Like he is just such an outgoing person who deserves all the support!!!

Like the best word I can use for Reiji is just, unique. Everything about him is just so Reiji. From the way he talks, to his nicknames or even his texting style. Like have you seen how many people use emoticons when texting as Reiji? It's just so him.

I like his way of thinking too! I feel like some of the interactions in the games are just so interesting, just seeing Reiji’s point of view. How he deals with a sort of survivor’s guilt and all of that.

Personally, some of my most memorable roleplaying moments were watching a Reiji rper in action, like just seeing them interact and flow so seamlessly with the other characters was just so fascinating to wee baby rper me. Such a large part of playing Reiji is just how you flow with the people around you and comedic timing. I have so many funny moments where Reiji was just interacting with people and it was just so inspirational (?) like I couldn't stop the smile on my face. I had learnt alot from them. I still consider them my roleplaying senpai almost! I don't talk to them anymore but I really had an amazing time just seeing their spin on the character.

I don't find him to be a romantic partner towards me nor do I see any of the characters in that light, but I've always found Reiji as such a personal character. Not even just towards me, like even with other utapri stans. The most relatable character always seems to be Reiji.

I've always been pretty similar in many aspects to him and I often find myself relating to him in numerous ways like his vibe is just relatable! I have often found myself trying to make other people laugh and have fun that many times I'm spreading myself thin and feel unappreciated...Reiji really helped with that.

This is where i start getting into the really personal stuff LOL feel free to skip if you dont wanna hear the angsty backstory.

I had really come to love Reiji when I had just...hit a low. I had a group of friends who I enjoyed hanging out with and just talking to, but they weren't very good friends per say. I often had to schedule every activity we did and I spent days and nights trying to think of concepts that might be fun. They took it for granted.. I had spent 4 months trying to make a game for them, and they had constantly pushed back times that we would play it. Using excuses to not play it, without telling me out right what they did not like or even why. The site I used was later taken down without notice and thus I had lost all my progress. Later, they had mentioned how they would like to play it except that later ended up being two years later. I really wish I could've solved things with that friend group like Quartet Night did but that didn't happen. That is when I started seeing things Reiji’s way? Not to say that it was the same or similar scenario to Reiji but I had just associated it with him.

RANMARU KUROSAKI

From Anon:

Ran is such a fun character! He sounds like a "rough outside, soft inside" kind of character, but his roughness is more like an integral part of him and it's through it that he shows he cares rather than setting it aside. That's what made me want to rp him. I also like how he is such a strong guy who's always determined to do his best in everything he does despite so much having gone wrong in his past. And it's very satisfying to see him form bonds and start to trust people.

From @mikaze-san:

Originally, my favourite Utapri boy was Ai, and it had been the robot boy for several years upon entering the fandom. In fact, it only switched to Ranmaru sometime late last year but regardless, I would still die for this man. Part of the reason why I switched is because I’ve always been a fan of Suzuki Tatsuhisa and I have a huge bias towards any man who wears nail polish without fearing being “feminine” because fuck gender roles.

As someone who studies fashion, I think Ranmaru is very coordinated and confident when it comes to portraying himself that way. He knows he’s not very good at expressing his emotions and utilises his passion for rock and playing the bass to portray those feelings through his songs. It’s also incredibly inspiring to know that he bounces back from pretty much anything considering his backstory and the stuff he deals with in the game/anime.

But my main reason for loving Ranmaru so much stems from the fact that I admire him a lot and want to be more like him. For a long time last year, I got to roleplay as Ranmaru in a few Utapri groups and through those experiences, I gained a better understanding and appreciation of the characters that I wrote for. In some weird way, by highlighting his flaws, character progression and how he dealt with different emotions, I ended up providing insight into how I dealt with similar issues by looking at them from a 3rd person perspective.

I used to be very shy and was very shut off from friends and family, and due to this I’ve always admired people in my life or fictional characters that are so confident in being who they are. Ranmaru particularly struck that chord in me because his bluntness knows no end. He’s very opinionated and doesn’t fear confrontation, in most cases being the one to provoke it. He speaks his mind openly without being overly anxious of the consequences. This is something that I feel is especially relevant today with being your authentic/unapologetic self is such a trend.

It’s something I’ve also noticed with having met people in or outside of this fandom, the notion of idolising a fictional character containing traits that we want to see in ourselves. Which made me think about a lot of my favourite kinds of characters which at the end of the day all boil down to sharing one similar trait: Being a bitch.

And in Utapri, Ranmaru embodies that. So naturally it’s very easy for me to idolise him.

(Tldr: I like his bitchy attitude.)

AI MIKAZE 

From Arashi:

It's hard to put into words why I love Ai Mikaze, perhaps it's because I'm subconsciously drawn to him, maybe it's because his hair and eyes are my favorite color, maybe it's because his voice is that of an angels, there are many reasons why I love him. I couldn't tell you a definite, "These one or two reasons are the entire reason I love him", but I'll try to sum it up.

I grew to love him by admiring his personality, his smile, his determination to reach his goals, everything about him made me happy. He's strict and a little scary at times, but when he sees people caring for him, he becomes happy and in a way, sentimental. He's not sure how to explain the way he feels, but he tries. I think I admire how he holds all the little things precious to his heart as he learns about them, and he wants to understand how to care for others and how they care for them in return. Even after six years, he still remains the most dear to me. I think that he now has a sentimental value to me, because even if I 'loved' another character more for a while, I will always come back to Ai. Ai deserves the world, and I'd give it to him if I could. He'll always be special to me, and I think that he very much deserves that.

From Maronda: 

My love for Ai started after I found Shining Live by chance and started to play. At first I wasn't particularly attached to any of the characters and decided to go back and watch the anime to maybe remember some context other than who Starish was. When I got to the episode focused on Ai and his "secret" I was absolutely thrown off by it all. I ended up feeling like I had so many questions and I knew that the anime would give me little to no answers, so I frequently turned to rambling on the internet about it. Eventually, this fixation on weird things about him seemed to turn into a clear fondness for him, and friends made me realize just how much I liked him. Knowing the cold and often strange aspects of his personality was due to something out of his control was something I resonated with as someone on the autism spectrum. He reminded me of some of the ways I used to think and behave.

I also began to notice other things I loved about him. Things like how soothing I found his voice, the pleasant shade of light blue in his hair and eyes, how ridiculously pretty he is... but the best things are the endearing parts of his personality. Though he's somewhat harsh, he's still entirely genuine. His curiosity is absolutely precious and his occasional awkwardness in expressing emotion or understanding the emotions of others made me empathize with him. And if you look at the Ai in Shining Live and compare it to the Ai in the anime and games... he really has changed a lot and grown as a person. He now seems so much gentler and understanding, and he clearly values the friendships he has now too! I think he's a wonderful character and ever since friends of mine encouraged me to selfship I've essentially been in love with him, but it also makes me happy to see other people appreciate him for other reasons as well. He's just so lovable!

CAMUS

From @uta-no-fakku-sama:

At the very beginning of my UtaPri interest, Camus never really caught my attention. That is until he became my first My Only Prince UR. I’ve come to appreciate him a lot more ever since, and now he’s become my favorite QUARTET NIGHT member! Along the way, I learned more about him and realized he’s one of the more complicated characters to understand. Nonetheless, I absolutely adore him. I tend to tease and make fun of him a lot, but deep down I truly do like him a whole bunch!

From @/waddamaloooon on twt: 

A little Camus appreciation post

(alternatively known as; how this guy managed to harshly take my heart and step on it like the gumin I am.)

Hello, this is Suikamaru, here to share a tiny story of why I, and eventually you, love Camus Rondo Cryzard.

At first glance, his looks appealed to me, but not his behavior (and ironically enough, his voice) so I didn't bat an eye on him. I've always been on a neutral leaning to dislike opinion on Camus, which is quite understandable because have you SEEN the way he acts. Unfathomable.

…..To a Young Suikamaru, that is.

I've grown, so naturally I've changed preferences regarding characters, ikemen, and who to stan and who to avoid like the plague. I will lie if I said that I expected to like that blonde confectionery devouring machine at any point of my life.

But it did happen so who are we fooling here.

It dawned on me that Camus is the type of character that you cannot appreciate unless you go in depth into his lore, backstory, and see him for who he really is. Because then everything else will make sense. And that never happened in my case until I started roleplaying as him.

I realized that he's not just a two faced, sweet toothed mean man. He's a perfectionist, someone who's always been raised since his childhood days to be nothing less than complete, who has locked on his heart and emotions to devote himself completely to the purpose given to him. He has the looks and brains for what though? He should be a little stupid honestly.

But his intelligence gave him the complexity that he just needed for his characteristics. Because as aforementioned, he's not someone to easily like or fall in love with. And I think that's quite rare in characters, and very much appreciated due to the fact it gives the fans a chance to not actually stay on a flat level of knowledge regarding their favorite characters.

I've slowly started to see myself in some aspects of him, which was the number one factor of liking him. Then came the Maeno magic when I realized Camus shares the same VA as another character that I love as well. (Hamelin, from SinoAlice.) From then, everything went downhill.

In a good way. I think..

Well, that is all from me, please read about this handsome man and appreciate his hard work both as an individual and as an idol. There is SO much to him that's p much overlooked and I'm getting broke from spending my money on his living expenses rent free in my head. Take him off my head.

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

fuck it. have the five page essay-ish thing i wrote on hoax.

it's so underrated and contains so many references to taylor's one great true love... that she lost.

(but there's also a bit about what the album cover means since i just think it adds to the evidence of something)

Let me take you on a journey, more specifically, the journey taylor’s music brought me to.

But fine for irl context, and disclaimer as well, I’m a new swiftie.

Yes, folklore was the one that really really pulled me in.

I’ve always loved her music, those that I knew of anyways, and she’s always held a special place in my heart and some part of me always knew that I was always going to explore her discography someday… and those days and months of exploring aforementioned music finally arrived.

So, for context, I’ll say that I mostly loved her bops. I always knew and loved her as that teenage girl feeling of wanderlust, and just wonder, and sweetness, and love…

That was what taylor was to me, the feeling of love.

It’s only when I very quite recently really really grew up and at the same time, taylor’s most popular music at the time, folklore, also happened to be really grown up, is when I realized and found out that taylor always had this depth to her.

So, for me, debut to speak now and half of red will always have that child-like wanderstruck look of awe and love vibe and feeling to me, cause nostalgia, it’s what I spent my life thinking of it and her as.

Also it’s been some time since I fully listened to those albums, so the journey/throughline narrative that I see from taylor’s discography is

Debut – young kid figuring it all out, emotional but sweet

Fearless – growth, ambition, dreams, complexity of wanting someone you know you’re not supposed to

Speak now – cinematic movie like quality of storytelling, these are fantasies, epics, novels all on their own, legend

Red – reckless abandon, intense extreme adult love, and also growth

1989 – true love, actual adulthood, scandal, gossip, hiding, protecting what’s important, dwindling mercurial highs

Rep - …

One thing that I started to notice only on 1989 and then it looked to be the case for the ff albums too, is that the latter half of one album oft bleeds onto the next one

So like the sound of I know places and even kinda wonderland to some extent, is very similar to reputation’s sound.

Then idk, new year’s day being a really sweet love song transitioning into lover

And then it’s nice to have a friend’s simple acoustic nostalgia & daylight’s nature imagery transitioning into folklore

And theeenn I’m betting the lakes as a positive song is a foreshadowing for the more softer positive outlook evermore is going to have, compared to folklore at least

But I honestly believe that if you look at the albums themselves, debut to speak now and red all seem to be about fleeting romances that pass and go

But 1989, that’s when things start to get real, and I believe, that’s when taylor really starts to get her muse…

Cause if you look at from 1989 to folklore evermore heck even to the rerelease of fearless and red…

These songs seem to be stemming from one relationship

A relationship that’s secret, that’s fragile and delicate, and complicated and complex

And correct me if I’m wrong, but…

Is king of my heart the first time taylor ever used the term, the one???

The one real thing you’ve ever known?? All too well

One touch you are in love??? One step one night

Point is, I think starting from 1989, most of the songs taylor wrote and sung about could all be attributed to just one person.

A tumultuous complex but nevertheless real and true love.

And I bring up the one connection because the one clearly parallels king of my heart

And all at once, YOU ARE THE ONE I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR

why would taylor write about losing someone that she thought she was the one if the person you think it’s about is still supposedly with her when she wrote it?

And finally, in taylor’s announcement of folklore, she wrote about an exiled man walking the bluffs of a land that isn’t his own, wondering how it all went so terribly, terribly wrong.

And in its music video, you get the same imagery?

…

…

…

You know where, … you… also… get… the same… exact… imagery…?

The folklore album cover.

Where it’s taylor, walking, in the middle, so small in the grand vast bluffs of a land that wasn’t her own.

In every single music video for every folklore song, the only ONE, THE ONLY ONE, where you get the same imagery, the same color palette as the album cover, is exile.

Which is about someone, a man walking the bluffs of a land that isn’t his own.

So if taylor is the man, then she’s

I can see you standing, honey

With his arms around your body

Guess who she has a close relationship with, who betrayed her, who got married to someone else?

*regina george anger screaming*

Me is a breakup song.

Taylor rereleasing red second has so much more weight to it now.

“In the land of heartbreak, moments of strength, independence, and devil-may-care rebellion are intricately woven together with grief, paralyzing vulnerability and hopelessness.”

moments of strength, independence, and devil-may-care rebellion – me, I PROMISE THAT YOU’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER LIKE ME.

WATCH MISS AMERICANA AND I DARE YOU TO NOT SEE ME AS A SPITEFUL/VINDICTIVE/REBELLIOUS BREAK UP SONG

grief, paralyzing vulnerability and hopelessness – FOLKLORE.

Then I guess, fine… we’ll get to why hoax is so fucking meaningful yet you don’t understand why it is.

Yes, my only one.

Smoking gun.

I saw someone call this a reference to the fire and ash in mtr, but I also think of this as someone being your one weakness…

Think about it like this, in reputation

And what if the one person who kept you alive through all that

Betrayed you too.

Taylor talks so deeply and passionately over how much this person matters, they were her smoking gun.

Because they were what kept her going through the death of her reputation.

When no one trusted her that one person did.

They were her smoking gun.

My eclipsed sun.

Lover ended with daylight.

Taylor called reputation as night time.

And now what once was daylight has now been eclipsed over, by betrayal grief sadness desolation.

(darling this was just as hard as when they pulled me apart, folklore is as dark as rep)

Winless fight – ma & thp, fight that someday we’re gonna win.

They or she didn’t.

Frozen ground brings me back to holy ground and to doht, my love had been frozen

The imagery of hoax’s lv, is of a cliffside overlooking an ocean

Which brings me back to gorgeous, of OCEAN blue eyes looking in mine, I feel like I might sink and drown and die

Screaming, similar to mtr’s I still talk to you when I’m screaming at the sky

(sidenote might not related to taylor references, but that line gives me hopelessness give me a reason to live vibes, and what with gorgeous’ line of sink and drown and die and this is me trying’s Pulled the car off the road to the lookout Could've followed my fears all the way down…

Anw… the sidenote is cause that feeling of hopelessness just really resonates with me personally, kind of the type screaming at the universe, at whatever’s out there why… sigh…)

Faithless love – false god

Hoax – illicit afairs

Blue… rep (delicate)

Best laid plan – dbatc, paper cut stings from our paper thin plans

Sleight of hand???

Five whole minutes pack us up leave me with it???

Could barren land also be bluffs of a land that isn’t his own?? Idk… *shruggie*

Ash from your fire mtr

New york, DBATC, 1989, false god, cornelia street

Hero died, remember when I said I’d die for you? False god

What’s the movie for, exile, I think I’ve seen this film before

You knew it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart

Like I said, reputation… who was her saving grace/smoking gun from all that

THEY WERE THE ONE, THE ONLY ONE, TAYLOR HAD WHEN SHE WAS PULLED APART

SO THEY KNEW, THEY KNEW HOW MUCH IT HURT HER

BUT THEY BETRAYED HER ANYWAYS.

Password let you in the door, I knew you’d come back to me, front porch light cardigan

What you did was just as dark, just as hard

Why wouldn’t it be?

They were the one she had throughout all that turmoil… yet they betrayed her too…

Kingdom come undone – komh, we rule the kingdome inside my room

Beaten my heart – KOMH, dbatc

The feeling of thinking you found the one, the one you’re going to spend the rest of your life with… the one you would throw away all of this for…

Don’t want no other shade of blue but you, no other sadness in the world would do

You don’t want anyone else but them if they were the one you were going to throw it all away for…

You don’t wanna say goodbye…

You just wanna keep feeling the pain, the love, the conflict that you had with them…

You don’t wanna say goodbye

[borat123]

NaruHina Analysis

Naruto Manga Part 1

Part 3

While everyone else doubt that Hinata could continue to fight, Naruto is seen getting very frustrated. He wants Hinata to prove that failures can change. By adopting his attitude she shows Naruto that she has the same mind set as him and that obviously creates a huge impact on the neglected orphan who no one pays any respect to. That someone admires him and adopts his nindo, that he has such an influence on someone is amazing to him. So thus he naturally respects her and believes in her. He’s very eager to watch and cheer for her, because he sees his own struggles in her and acknowledges her as an equal. While everyone else doubts, he believes and i think that’s very important.

Hinata attacks with all her strength, while Naruto’s words resonates in her mind. She never belittled Naruto, never judged him. She has always believed in him throughout her life, as we see in the flashbacks panels. We see here just how strong Hinata feels for Naruto. He is her comfort, her source of inspiration. She is treated like dirt by her family in a world that forces children to fight as soldiers. Hinata is a natural pacifist. Her calm and kind nature is too peaceful for war and perhaps that holds her back from her potential. Low self esteem and self doubt certaintly doesn’t help either. But when she looks at Naruto, she feels hope, that even she can achieve something, that she is worth something. She looks at the other ”failure” and feel admiration and hopefulness just from watching his behaviour. He’s load, she’s quiet. He is confident, she is insecure. He’s an extrovert, she’s shy. The opposite attracts.

May i ask why Kishimoto would bother to show this if it wasn’t important? Hinata is a side character, yet we see her internal dialogue and how she feels for the main character. All this has a meaning and the answer is that Hinata will become Naruto’s love interest.

Kurenai has seen how much Hinata has tried to change, even when she fails, she keeps trying. She even admits that, although Hinata will lose the match against Neji, Hinata has shown her will to change, and this is a huge step in the development of her character. Naruto is once again her source of inspiration. Knowing that Naruto is cheering for her and looking at her with completly diffrent eyes she feels confidence flow through her and believes in herself more than she ever has before. The look in her eyes says it all.

Hinata gets struck down by Neji and it looks like she has lost the match. I’ve seen comments from haters that say Hinata is weak or useless, but i mean really?! Do they even know who she’s fighting? We see two individual fights of Hinata, Neji and Pain. Neji is the Hyuga Prodigy and a genius, he is also a year older and fought with the intention to kill. And Pain, i mean oh boy. That bloke killed Kakashi, killed Jiraiya, defeated every single shinobi in the strongest village and blew it up with his own jutsu. Almost defeated Naruto and then still had enough Chakra to revive the whole village. He’s an absolute beast and has powers equal to a God. Only Naruto could defeat those two. Also if Hinata fought anyone else there except for Neji, Lee, Gaara, Sasuke and Naruto she most likely would have clapped them, with relative ease. Not everyone in the Hyuga Clan even unlocks the Byakugan and then they have to master the gentle fist. Which Hinata has done at the age of 12. (She also created her own jutsu in shipudden something that is on par with Naruto and Sasuke so she is far from weak).

The only thing that is on Naruto’s mind right now is Hinata. She is the only thing that matters to him and the only thing he can see in this moment. Naruto knows Hinata wants to change herself. He is seen getting quite upset when it appears that she is losing. Naruto payed so close attention to her that he was the first to notice that she was getting up and yelled very loadly to not stop the match. He was the only one that was not suprised to see her rise up. Of course, he knows she wants to change and this new knowledge of her earns his admiration and respect. He believes in her when everyone else does not and he wants to show them her guts and that she will fight until the end. He would do exactly the same.

Hinata rises up and keeps fighting, so she can prove to Neji that she can choose her own fate and change it. Naruto is proud of her.

Hinata then stands up against Neji and acts like the bigger person, and acknowledges the real problem. That it is Neji who is truly suffering. This enrages him and he goes into attack to kill her.

Hinata starts to cough up blood after the gentle fist damages her organs. Naruto screams out to her and is the first to rush over to her. He asks if she’s alright and holds her hand while she loses consciousness. That he reaches for her hand when he checks on her, shows just how strongly he bonded to her. (Kishi also has a thing for hand holding when it comes to romantic pairings *hint hint). He looks very worried for her as we can see from Hinata’s POV and stays with her until she loses conciousness completly.

Naruto doesn’t separate from Hinata until Neji addresses him, reminding him just the same words he told Hinata, a failure can never change.

Naruto gets extremly irritated by Neji’s provocation and Naruto says ”you want to test me?”. He then launches at him to beat him to a pulp. Just because he insulted him and thus also Hinata. Naruto was literally going to fight Neji right there and then just because of the way he treated Hinata, and remember this is just an official match, but Naruto reacts very passionatelly and personal to their fight that is technically none of his business. But he felt this personal bond with Hinata that made him react this way. Rock Lee stops Naruto just in time. He could also relate to Hinata since he’s also considered a failure like them, but for whatever reason Naruto is the one who gets much more angry and feels deeper, personal empathy and understanding for Hinata, he has a certain protective instinct regarding her. Which gets confirmed with his next action...

He remembers Hinata’s Ninja Way and bravery which amazed him, so he picks up her blood with his fingers, squeezes his hand and promises Hinata to defeat Neji for her under a vow of her own blood.

This is a very impressive gesture and speaks volume of how strongly Hinata reached to Naruto. This shows us Kishimoto’s intentions with Naruto and Hinata. Until now, Naruto has never looked so serious and passionate and made something so impressive, especially for what is essentially a side character. Something that he saw in Hinata triggered a protective instinct and made him trigger a very passionate gesture. My only conclusion is what Naruto felt during all this was the first signs of love. Love because he cared so much about her fight, love because he acknowledges her as a kindred spirit, love because he believed in her when nobody else did. This is all subconcious for him, but it is what made him react this way.

Maybe of topic here but when Naruto watched Sakura’s fight, he could not understand why she acted so aggresively with Ino, even due he has a similar rivalry with Sasuke. Kakashi even adresses this. Naruto just cant connect with Sakura. Meanwhile he has no problem understanding Hinata’s situation.

We can see here that his empathy for Hinata is what made him perform his blood vow. He formed a connection with Hinata and that connection was sealed with his blood vow. In Naruto we see how people are connected through blood, for example with the summoning jutsu. Naruto’s blood vow to Hinata was him sealing that connection between them. That will be all for this part. Here are the previous parts if you wanna read them.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 4

[guardianspirits13]

if you feel like answering, why is natsuo your favorite character? like what do you like most about him? what made you connect to him/what made him stand out to you?

Ohhh boy better buckle up because this is gonna be a long one.

First off, thank you so much for the ask, and sorry it took so long to strap down and answer you! Naturally, I have a lot to say and I'm always looking for opportunities to rant about my favorite character 👀

The chapter that first opened my eyes to Natsuo as a character was chapter 252. I was caught up with the manga at this point so I read it right when it was released and it really touched me. From then on I became invested in his character, particularly his relationship with Touya which I really dug into and channeled into my Brother animatic. He's been my favorit from then on, and there are many reasons for this.

I think the main reason his character resonated with me so deeply is because I've never encountered a character who hits nearly as close to home as he does. I didn't have the best relationship with my father growing up, and despite it being a different and much less serious situation than what Natsuo lived through, I can relate to and understand a lot of his resentment on a personal level. Many of his one-liners are things that I have said or thought before almost verbatim, so needless to say Horikoshi definitely knows what he's doing.

It is very important to me how Horikoshi goes out of his way to give this seemingly minor character so much development. Every scene he is in, every word he says has so much thought behind it and contributes to his character tremendously, and some of the best examples of this are in the latest chapters with him.

He has significantly more developent than most of the minor characters in 1a, despite them obviously appearing much more often. This is because whenever Natsuo does appear, he's very outspoken and the scene normally ends up revolving around him in some way.

I also want to talk about his relationship with his family as a whole- one thing about his character that I don't think anyone else has really mentioned before is how humble he is. He grew up in a household where he was neglected and essentially seen as worthless (regardless of his quirk or lack thereof but I have a whole nother essay for that alone), and even Touya wasn't exactly the kindest to him from what we've seen. Despite this, Natsuo was able to forge his own path and become the person he wanted to be. He got through highschool with good enough grades to get into a pre-med program which in Japan is a very hard thing to do considering national standards, not to mention how different the medical field must be with the variety of mutation quirks that exist.

As for humility, I think the fact that he can be proud of Shouto for forging his own path as a hero despite his personal distaste for hero society, and is immediately thankful when he’s saved from a villain by a group of high schoolers. He doesn’t act like he’s better than anyone else because he’s older, or because he won’t forgive Endeavor (quite the contrary, he seems to view his distaste of Endeavor as a shortcoming on his part).

Another thing that I really just adore about his character is how kind and gentle he is, regardless of (or perhaps in spite of) his upbringing. Considering that he's a male character in a shounen manga, this is particularly interesting to me. Out of his brothers he is physically the most similar to Endeavor, but personality-wise the most different. A huge component of this is that he was raised mostly by Fuyumi and continues to be incredibly close to her. Natsuo is a social person and an emotionally driven character, and he is certainly not afraid to speak his mind- if nothing else, he is honest. Compare this to Shouto, who is definitely an introvert and prefers to keep to himself, kind of blunt about things and definitely lacking in emotional awareness. It’s hard to separate Shouto’s personality from lack of socialization as a kid, but even Endeavor shares many of the same traits. Touya is also an emotionally-driven character but in a completely different way, he’s self-serving and angry and driven for revenge. Perhaps if he had a normal childhood Natsuo and Touya would have been much more similar, but Touya’s early signs of mental illness as a kid festered with lack of treatment. Back to Natsuo, he also is very caring and thoughtful, and we really see this most in the 5th light novel, (official translations aren’t out but here’s a link).

We consistently see just how much he cares about the rest of his family (other than Endeavor, obviously). I think this is seen really clearly through his attempts to connect with Shouto. He knows nothing about his little brother but still tries to connect with him in any way he can think of- playing soccer, eating soba, talking with him about his friends and just generally showing interest in his life.

Another interesting point here is that he almost seems to look up to his siblings as being better than him, especially Shouto. This is not in a jealous way, but more self-deprecating as he sees Fuyumi and Shouto letting Endeavor back into their lives and feels guilty and unkind because he is unable to do the same. He is proud of Shouto, but they are different in so many ways that it’s hard to find a middle ground. Shouto is mature in that he is already halfway to a lifelong career and has experienced many dangerous situations, while Natsuo is a college student and years away from helping people on the same level that Shouto does in high school. Inversely, Natsuo is more socially competent and outgoing, while Shouto is sheltered, and has a unique innocence to him. Natsuo is more familiar with their family situation and thus has a more complex understanding and much stronger stance than Shouto, especially because he knew Touya.

He also goes out of his way to try and help Fuyumi and re-iterate how much she means to him (even if it fails, it’s the thought that counts, amirite?). He consistently comes to dinner when Fuyumi invites him, knowingly exposing himself to his pervasive trauma upon seeing Endeavor to allow her to entertain the fantasy of having a happy, normal family.

I really want to re-iterate here how much of his own pain he puts to the side in just agreeing to show up for dinner. Both times he is visibly uncomfortable and almost upset by Endeavor’s presence as if it makes him anxious (which is understandable), and he is mentally incapable of staying in said situation without freaking out, which he does whenever he can’t escape; the first time when Endeavor puts a hand on his shoulder to stop him from leaving, and the second time mere minutes after an incredibly traumatic near-death experience. (Side note: Endeavor should not be getting up into his personal space like he does, knowing full well how uncomfortable Natsuo is with his mere presence).

He puts his own trauma to the side to help his siblings ,and if that isn’t selfless I don’t know what is.

With all of this deliberate development and the advent of the Dabi reveal, I am confident that Natsuo is going to play a larger role in the future and will contribute in some major way to bringing Dabi down. If there's one thing I trust Horikishi for it's that he doesn't develop his characters for nothing. There's always a payoff at the end that puts everything in place, even though he plays a slow burn. I'm always scared that whenever Natsuo shows up he's gonna do/say something that's inconsistent with his character so far and disprove one of my theories/assumptions/headcanons about him and every time I am proven wrong.

In conclusion: I love my salty son.

If you want to read even more of my thoughts on him, here's a link to a rediculously long meta about his trauma and emotions:

Thank you again for the ask. I very much enjoyed writing it and I hope you enjoyed reading it as well!!!

[zkfanworkweek]

ZFAW Content Creator Interviews: OwedBetter

Hey everyone! We hope you’re all excited for ZFAW, and to honor (ha!) ZFAW’s commitment to supporting and celebrating fan content creators in the Zutara fandom, we’re going to be rolling out a series of interviews with well-known and widely-beloved content creators over the next few weeks. We’ve got artists and fanfiction authors, some names you recognize as well as a few phenomenal up-and-coming talents, and we can’t wait for you to meet them all!

I’m super excited about this one! For the sixth (incredibly delayed, I’M SORRY) interview in the cycle, we have Jo, aka @owedbetter. Best known for the absolutely iconic Zutara fanfiction “I’m Still Here,” Jo’s works can be found at: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312357/chapters/27990618

Tell us about how you came to ship Zutara. What does this ship mean to you?

To use one of my favourite lines from Jane Austen, "I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun." I started watching Avatar: The Last Airbender when I was just a tiny little baby child at 10 turning 11 years old. I do know for a fact, however, that Zutara had simply always been it for me from the very beginning. I believe it was during "The Storm" that I just knew that there was more to Zuko than what was at surface level. As a brown girl trying to make her way into positions of leadership as a child, Katara's strength, rage, and bravery paved the way for me to survive in the way I have. As a survivor of child abuse myself, Zuko remaining kind and gentle and good was of paramount importance. Together, they were the joining of two souls that met in conflict and chaos but through merit, equal standing, and forgiveness, they were exactly what each other needed. They are not opposites nor two halves of a whole; they are the sky and between them is only the world. Everyone has the need to feel truly seen and understood as they are by another, and Zuko and Katara do exactly that. Other stories come and go, but they're the story I come back to and will continue to call home every single time. I will never tire of them.

2. What inspires you to create Zutara fanworks?

 I've been a professional writer for the last ten years. It's my job to imagine and create stories. I also love consuming stories through every medium possible. The well never dries when you keep it full to the brim. When you do the work I do and you consume as many stories as I do and you've lived a long enough life and paid attention to the life around you as I have trained to do, to be inspired is second nature. For Zutara, however, these are voices that have lived in my brain for fifteen years. When I get an idea for a story, literally any story, it's like my subconscious is naturally attuned to their dynamic that every prompt I come up with is automatically a Zutara prompt. Such is the way. If I ever publish a novel and/or lead my own show/movie, you can bet that it's probably Zutara if you squint.

3. Be selfish - if you could request one fanwork based on your own art/fanfic, what would it be? What would you absolutely love to see someone create? 

To this day, "i'm still here" is probably the single greatest thing I've ever done in my whole stupid life. It would be the greatest honour to see my work interpreted visually. Genuinely, I'd love to see certain scenes as comic panels or something. Katara's realisation at the beach over who she is and she thinks about Yue, her mother, and her grandmother. Zuko and Katara's mutual understanding. The scene that started it all: baby Zuko taking care of baby Azula at the beach. Katara and Iroh talking in Chapter 7. Toph meeting fear for the first time. The entire ending of Chapter 6. As of writing this, I haven't updated the sequel yet but I would love to see visual interpretations of incoming Original Characters because they've been fun to create. I don't even know. If anyone wants to draw something from "i'm still here", I would like to see it. Please let me see it. I will cry. But also, I would like to see visual interpretation of Zutara in my modern quarantine pandemic AU because I would like to see long haired 28 year old Zuko wearing autumn-wear in a public park filled with flowers with 26 year old Katara basically wearing anything I wear because I am projecting in that story for a reason. 

4. Any words for people who are new to the fandom and/or nervous about sharing their work for the first time?Buddy, we're all just a bunch of nerds who are creating things for our enjoyment and the enjoyment of likeminded individuals. Do things for you and because they bring you joy, first and foremost. Everything else can be ignored if you want to ignore it. You're doing great. 

5. What is your favorite Zutara-related thing you’ve made and why is it special to you?

 Again, "i'm still here" is literally the greatest thing I've ever done in my life. Something I get commended for a fair amount with ISH is how I handled Zuko being a child abuse survivor, and his conflicting emotions with his violent abusers because he's still a child who wants his family to love him. That comes from an extremely personal place for me and it means the world to know that other survivors out there resonated so well with it. Also, Masterchef Zuko with that chicken adobo meant me getting a LOT of people saying they tried out the recipe themselves and I can feel my grandmother radiate with pride over knowing I'm so great a cook that I can convince people to want my dish just by writing about it. I'm so proud of everything I did with ISH. I worked really hard on it and I'm so happy to know it means a lot to other people too. 

6. What’s an idea for a fanwork that you have but haven’t gotten around to making?

I have this one modern AU involving dogs that I've put on the backburner since 2017. One day... one day!!! I'm a bit of a workaholic, though, so most of the things I want to do, I just do 'em. 

7. Are you participating in ZFAW? If so, want to give us a hint as to your plans? 👀

I am! I have a draft ready based on one of Hayley Foster's animatics and I'm very excited. Tumblr user hayleynfoster, I owe you my entire life. 

[honeyhan-123]

Project Legacy

Summary: After the events of Civil War, Tony Stark is left all alone and decides that he will do whatever it takes to ensure a legacy.

Warnings: Dark!Tony, breeding kink, dub con, hints of stalking.

AN: I know I said I would be on hiatus and I am but this was 90% completed and even though I had to write some on my phone it turned out okay. That being said I’m sorry if there’s any weird formatting issues but I won’t be able to fix them for some time. Also, this was written for the lovely and incredible and just all round amazing @searchforanotherway dark fic challenge, my prompt will be in bold. 🥰

My Masterlist

You had grown to hate your email account, your phone too, asking yourself why it was always empty, never filled with any new messages.

It had been like this for months, ever since you had finished your PhD and was actually looking for work. You had sent out countless resumes, trying to find somewhere that was in need of a lab assistant, preferably specialising in human genetics but at this point you weren’t picky any more. You just wanted something, anything other than the way you were forced to sell your body - and your remaining dignity - every other night.

You longed for the days you had joked with college classmates about how you planned to drop out and become a stripper rather than sit the bio-chemistry final. Oh how innocent you were, how naive, thinking that you would be able to find a job straight out of your postgrad.

You had been left with nothing but a load of student debt and no way to pay it all off when you had stumbled across the Golden Circle one night. The alcohol which had been your only company along with the numerous rejection letters, had urged you forward, into the dark interior, seeking out the manager.

That had been nearly three months ago and while the stripping had got easier the more time that passed, dealing with the constant stream of rejection letters hadn’t. Every time a new one came, a part of you died a little more. While stripping had been enough to satisfy your financial needs, it did nothing for your mental needs. You had graduated nearly top of your class and here you were, practically watching your brain cells die every time you undressed, revealing the scrap of silver that your manager called an outfit.

Tonight was no different than how any other night had started out. You stood in the changing room, glancing around at the other girls in various states of undress as the readied for their shifts. The one who was known as Kitty by the patrons sat next to you, telling some story about a date she had been on the night before.

‘I just don’t understand it. He had seemed perfectly sweet until he found out I was a stripper, then he got all mad, said I had lied to him! But I hadn’t, I never said what I did for a living and even if I had who’s he to judge, you know? It’s not like when I was little I wanted to grow up and be a stripper, but you know, shit happens sometimes and life doesn’t always go to plan.’ She sounded close to tears and you knew that if you wanted tonight to be as painless as possible you had to say something fast.

‘I mean it seems to me that he was a loser Kit, anyone who reacts that way when finding out that your trying to make an honest living doesn’t deserve your time. And to be so two-faced about the whole thing, sounds like a real red flag, acting all sweet only to be a jerk.’ You lay a comforting hand on her shoulder as you tried to cheer her up. Thankfully it worked, a small smile playing across her lips.

‘I know you’re right, deep down I do. It just hurts you know? Because it’s not just him, it’s pretty much every guy I’ve ever tried to date. When they find out I’m a stripper they get all possessive, they act like I’m fucking other guys behind they’re backs and I know it’s partially my own fault I just… I guess I just never thought it would impact me this badly you know?’ You nodded even though you couldn’t relate. Between working nearly every night and trying to keep your brain active during the days by reading recent papers on hereditary genetics, you hadn’t had very much time for friends, never mind dating.

The sound of the door crashing against the wall pulled you out of your reverie, as you glanced over at your manager, his eyes eating up the scantily clad bodies of your fellow dancers. ‘Okay girls, we’ve got some VIPs in tonight so Bubbles you’re going to be on serving now, don’t give me that look. Kitty, you’re taking Jewel’s set and Jewel you’re going to be working in the Lounge.’

‘The Lounge?’ You’d never worked there before, it generally went to the older girls, the ones who had been here for longer, who had built up a clientele, who were more used to grabby customers with cash to spare.

‘Yeah. He requested you.’ He barely spared you a glance as he left the room, heading back down the hall to his office, his words resonating around in your head as you stared at the place in the wall where his head had just been.

A request.

A feeling that somewhat resembled pride flowed through you as Kitty turned excitedly. You must’ve been doing something right all these months to get a request, in the VIP lounge no less. ‘Your first request! This is so exciting. You’re such a natural, it’s going to be so good. I hear on average girls make nearly $500 a night in tips alone in the Lounge. I wish I could work there.’ She stared off in a daze as if imagining herself walking among the plush red leather couches, dancing on the small private stage.

You tried to smile at her; tried to ignore the nerves that were crawling their way through your stomach as she left the locker room, a smile and good luck thrown over her shoulder, leaving you alone.

+

Your heart raced, eyes focussed on the rich mahogany, tracing the grain of the wood as you slowly raised your hand to the brass doorknob, shivering as you paused. The metal was cool beneath your fingertips, your grip was solid, twisting the handle until you could hear the lock click. The door was slightly heavier than usual to help soundproof the room and you nearly jumped as it swung closed behind you, trapping you in with the dark, lone figure on the smooth leather couch.

The crystal glass in his hand reflected the small amount of light that fell on him as he sat in the shadows, swirling the amber liquid around with a swivel of his wrist. ‘Well? Aren’t you meant to dance for me?’ His voice was a sarcastic drawl that snapped you into action. Your heels wobbled slightly as you made your way to the sound machine, cueing a song before heading up into the small podium.

‘I’m Jewel. What’s your name handsome?’ You hated the way your voice shook with nerves as your hips swayed, your hands running up and down your body as you slowly warmed up.

‘My name doesn’t matter but you can call me Daddy, baby girl.’ You’d heard of things like this happening in the private rooms so his words themselves didn’t really bother you but there was something about the way he said it. He was very commanding and even though you couldn’t make out much of him in the dark, you knew he would be a force to be reckoned with, a man used to getting exactly what he wants.

‘Okay Daddy, how’s your night going so far?’ You weren’t sure about the protocol of having conversations while stripping for a man but some seemed to like it and judging by the small chuckle that fell from his lips he did too.

‘It’s pretty good so far Baby girl, I have you all to myself. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this.’

‘Oh?’ You heard the clink of his glass being placed down onto the small coffee table beside him as his hands ran down his legs.

‘Oh yeah Baby girl. I’ve wanted you ever since I first saw you months ago. The photo in your resume really doesn’t do you justice, and when I found out you worked here I just had to come see you in person. I couldn’t stop staring at you as you danced. I knew I had to have you. But I had to wait. I had to make sure you were a match, a perfect match for me.’

Your hips stuttered in their movements, your nerves mounting as his words washed over you. ‘My resume?’ Your voice was quiet against the smooth backdrop of your song, a whisper in the vast room. A perfect match? What did he mean by that? Was he trying to offer you a job?

‘Of course. It landed on my pile months ago, quite impressive really. You were nearly top of your class at MIT, and a PhD specialising in hereditary genetics. You’re just what I was looking for. Now come over here Baby, we need to talk shop.’

You weren’t naive enough to believe that shop was the only thing he wanted to talk about but the reflection of light off of his wrist caught your eye and you instantly recognised the small logo of his watch. A Rolex. Whoever this guy he was loaded and if you had to give him a lap dance or two to get a job for him, your morals were willing to do it if it meant paying off your bundles of student debt.

On teetering legs you crossed the small distance between you two, coming to a stop in front of him as his hands wrapped around your waist pulling you down onto him with surprising force. ‘That’s a good girl, I just know you’ll do nicely.’ At the sound of his voice, your eyes darted up from your lap, meeting his, your mouth dropping slightly open.

What was the Tony Stark doing here with you?

His fingers gently tapped your chin, pressing your lips together again. ‘I see you recognise me, that should make the next bit easier. I’m looking for a specialist in hereditary genetics to help me with a very close and personal project. It should take around nine months for completion if everything goes well and the intense hours will mean you’ll have to quit working here but you’ll be well compensated, completely taken care of. Due to the secrecy of the project I’ll need you to sign your contract and NDA right now if you choose to accept.’

He slipped a hand into his inside jacket pocket, pulling two folded pieces of paper which he handed to you. The first was an NDA, a brief scan over the details told you it was all up to par. The fact that he was making you sign it wasn’t very concerning, most labs in the city made their employees sign one to keep company secrets and so when he handed you a pen you signed your name away on the dotted line without a second thought.

The second piece of paper gave you pause though. It was a contract. Your contract.

‘You want me to move into Stark Tower?’ Your voice was soft, confused by the sprawl of words across the page.

‘It’s standard protocol for a project like this. Most of my top employees live on site.’ He waved away your concern with an air of nonchalance but you could feel the tell-tale tightening of his hands on your hips, holding you slightly closer to him.

‘And this… Project Legacy, I would be running it? I’m just a little confused in my role in it all, it’s a little vague.’ You looked up from the papers into his eyes, searching for answers but once again he waved you off.

‘Look, if you don’t want the job that’s fine. You can just walk away and go back out there and strip for those men like any common whore and I’ll go find someone else. But I’m giving you a chance to be more, to do more. Working at Stark Labs would look great on your resume but that won’t matter because if you do a good job we might just keep you on. So, are you in or out?’ His eyes seemed to burn through you as you sat on his lap, gripping the paper in one hand, his pen in the other.

Taking a steadying breath, you pressed the paper against his chest and leant against him as you signed your name on the dotted line.

‘Good choice baby girl.’

+

Tony had insisted on you quitting your job right then and there, he had said he wanted to celebrate the birth of Project Legacy and since he would be your new boss, you felt you had no choice but to comply, following him out to his car, still in your outfit as he hadn’t given you time to go back to your locker and change.

‘Don’t worry about your clothes Baby, I said you would be completely taken care of and I meant it.’

His hand had gripped your exposed thigh the entire way to Stark Tower and when you finally arrived, he had ushered you into the elevator and up to his personal floor. Before you knew it a glass of champagne was thrusted into your hands.

‘Drink up baby, I suspect it will be the last time you get a chance for a while.’ He smiled as though he had just made a funny joke but you merely stared at him in confusion, taking a tentative sip of the bubbles in your glass. ‘C’mon, I’ll show you to your room.’ He grabbed hold of your other hand and started tugging you through the lounge room and to a narrow hallway, pausing at a door with frosted glass. ‘Here it is.’

Pushing open the door, confusion flittered over you. It was by far the nicest room you had ever seen, but then again everything in this building was too. There was a small chaise lounge and settee in one corner. a door that lead to what you presumed was the bathroom and the largest wardrobe you could imagine. But what really took your attention was the king sized bed in the middle of the room. Its quilt looked to be a dark red silk and with matching sheets and pillow cases. At least you wouldn’t have to worry about your hair every night.

‘Isn’t it just marvelous? I can’t wait to see all your work for Project Legacy. It’s going to be beautiful.’ Hands snaked around your waist and he slowly walked you back towards the bed.

‘Mr Stark? Tony? What’s going on? What are you doing?’ You knees hit the back of the bed, and you felt him lift you slightly, laying you down on the silken mattress.

‘You’re on what? Day fourteen of your cycle right? It’s perfect timing for us to get started on my legacy.’

‘Wh-what do you mean?’ Terror was flooding through your veins as he slipped the thin straps of your one piece down your shoulders, pulling it from your legs, revealing your body to him.

‘What does it look like I’m doing? I’ve studied your blood, your DNA. You’re a perfect match for me. We’re going to make such beautiful children. I hope the first one’s a girl though, I’ve always wanted one.’ His explanation did little to calm your racing heart as your stared up at him.

He was mad, completely batshit crazy. That was the only way to explain what he was doing as he palmed your breasts, his gaze transfixed on your body beneath his. Your hands pressed against his chest, trying to shove his body away but he merely gathered your wrists in one hand, tugging them up above your head and pinning them there.

‘Shhh, baby. Be a good girl for me. You’ve already signed your contract, your fate is sealed. So just be a good girl and I promise I’ll make it enjoyable for you too.’ He grinned down at you, tweaking your nipple to the point of pain, a shout escaping your lips.

‘But… what about Pepper though? Don’t you want a kid with her?’ You both knew at this point that you were stalling and it was completely useless, but you cling to the sliver of celebrity gossip you could remember. Surely his girlfriend would have an issue with this.

‘What about Pepper? She’s gone, she’s useless to me. You know, she only just told me she was infertile, after almost ten years together. Who does that? And all this time I thought we had just been unlucky, but now I know. She’s just a vindictive bitch. And now with everything that’s happened with the Accords… I’ve lost most of my family, I need a new one; to make one with you. We’re going to be so good together Baby, I can already tell. You and my child growing inside of you is all I want now and I always get what I want.’

You choked back a sob as he slid a hand between your bodies, smirking at the wetness he found between your legs. ‘Oh baby girl, you’re so responsive to me. I told you we were a perfect match.’ He thrusted a finger inside, letting out a groan at the way your velvet walls clenched around him. ‘So fucking tight too I don’t think I’ll last that long; the first time at least.’

His palm rubbed against your foot with every rigorous thrust of his hand bringing you closer despite the way you tried to resist him. ‘That’s it baby girl, I know you’re close.

You felt a cool metal against your clit, juxtaposing the warm slick pooling between your legs. You weren’t sure what it was as he continued to thrust his fingers into you, curling them against your walls, stretching you out for him, yet as soon as it started vibrating, every thought disappeared.

‘Oh, Oh, god Tony.’ Your words came between your panting, you’re hips rising up into his hand involuntarily.

His hot breath was against your ear, a sharp tug of the lobe between his teeth as he whispered ‘Baby girl I thought I told you to call me Daddy.’ Your moans interrupted his words as you felt the familiar coil tightening inside of you, ready to snap. ‘Call me Daddy can I’ll let you cum baby. I know you’re ready to.’

You tried to resist the urge to do as he said with little success and before you could stop them the words tumbled from your mouth. ‘Please Daddy. Please let me cum.’

His lips brushed against yours, his smile evident even in the kiss. ‘Well, who am I to deny a pretty woman? Of course you can Baby.’ And just like that, the floodgates opened, your walls clenching around his fingers, your body thrashing against his as he worked you through the orgasm before finally slowing and letting you catch your breath. ‘Those were just my fingers, imagine what I can do with my cock.’ As if to prove his point you felt him thrust his large bludge against you, the rough denim causing a shiver to run through you as it rubbed against your sensitive clit.

He released your hands from above your head, and you rubbed them as he knelt above you, and he slowly, almost teasingly, undid the small button on his jeans, pulling the small fly down all the way, exposing a small tuft of hair leading down to his cock. You weren’t surprised to see the lack of underwear as even though you had only just met, he seemed like a straight to business type of man. He shoved the denim down his legs and knelt above you once more, one knee on either side, taking a hold of your hand and leading to it him, wrapping it around his length and pumping himself slowly.

He was warm and you found yourself flicking your thumb over his tip every few thrusts, collecting the small beads of precum as they came from him. His head was thrown back his mouth agape. ‘Oh yeah Baby, just like that. Fuck, you make me feel so good.’ Suddenly your hand was back, pinning against the mattress as his other lead himself into you in a harsh single thrust.

You cried out at the stretch of your walls, he was much thicker than his fingers. His hands found your neck, resting at the base of your throat, feeling the rapid thrum of your pulse beneath his fingers. Your own hands were wrapped tightly around his chest, pulling him closer despite your better judgement, the feeling of fullness he gave you too good to resist.

You moaned as he continually brushed that spot inside of you, stroking a deep desire inside of you. Fingertips dug into his back, clawing at the skin as he ignited the fire inside of you. ‘Fuck… Daddy, yes.’ Your voice was a whisper against the obscene sounds of him thrusting in and out of you.

‘Yeah Baby? You wanna cum? Be a good girl and cum for me, cum for Daddy. Cum on my thick cock so I can fill you up.’ You moaned against the skin of his neck, your walls fluttering around him as you came, feeling the spurt of his own release coating your channel. ‘Fuck baby girl… that was so much better than I ever could have imagined, and trust me, I’ve imagined it a lot.’ He was out of breath as he rolled over, laying on his side, still inside of you and hitched your thigh over his own.

‘I can just tell you’re going to do such a good job on this special little project future Mrs Stark.’ In your haze you barely noticed him lift your left hand, sliding a cool band down your ring finger. The diamond glittering in the dim light.

+

My Masterlist

[star-maiden]

Weekly Tarot Forecast: Mars Retrograde Edition 10/13/20 - 10/18/20

Happy October! With two full moons this month, and Mercury going retrograde in Scorpio on 10/13/20, we are in for a bit of a wild ride. There will likely be some pretty intense energies coming up for us in the next few weeks. To help us navigate the storm a bit better, this week I channeled in some guidance from Spirit. The following will be an intuitive reading focused on how this Mercury retrograde will show up in our lives. This is a reading for the collective. As such, not everything will ring true for you and that’s ok. Please take only what resonates and leave the rest. You’ll want to check your sun, moon and rising signs for the message or messages that are meant for you. May this reading serve you well in the week ahead.

Mercury is the planet that rules intellect and information. Its energies influence how we are showing up in the world intellectually, our mental capabilities and all forms of communication. When Mercury goes retrograde, there is a higher probability for misunderstandings and miscommunication to occur. This Mercury retrograde will feel especially intense as it will enter its retrograde motion while in the sign of Scorpio. This will have a profound influence on our emotions, and we may find ourselves and others being more reactive than usual. Additionally, water signs may be influenced more profoundly than any other sign (cancer, scorpio and pisces). Scorpio is the sign of intensity, deep emotions, transformation and mystery. Nothing about Scorpio is done in half-measures! We may experience this Mercury retrograde + Scorpio energy as a sudden revelation of secrets or previously hidden motives. This may be quite jarring for some, and many of us may find ourselves surprised at what comes to the surface with the people around us. On a more optimistic side, we can utilize the energy of this Mercury retrograde to clear the air. This will be a powerful opportunity to lay everything out on the table, and set the stage for healing to begin within ourselves or with our close relationships. Nothing can really remain hidden for long during a Mercury retrograde in Scorpio.

You will notice that all of the readings are focused on communication and making sure we are listening and being understood by others.  I hope this reading will help you discern where you might need to focus your attention to get the most benefit in the coming weeks, and that you will be able to use these messages to better navigate this Mercury retrograde season.

♈ - Aries: The Chariot - The first week of the Mercury retrograde will bring a swift decision for you. This situation is characterized by fast moving energy, and may in fact already be in motion. You’ll need to make sure that you are being upfront with others for any decision that you need to make this week. You’ll also want to make sure that others are being just as honest with you. Ask questions and use clarifying statements to ensure that you understand what the other person is saying. Don’t let anyone distract you from the truth.

♉ - Taurus: Five of Wands - This Mercury retrograde brings with it a high potential for conflict with others. The nature of this conflict will depend on who is in your social circle, be they coworkers, classmates, friends or neighbors. Although these are likely to be nothing more than petty arguments and differences of opinion, you’ll want to take care to avoid them if you can. If you notice a situation starting to get weird, disengage as politely as you can, and wait for the storm to blow over.

♊ - Gemini: Seven of Pentacles - The Mercury retrograde will influence an area of your life that deals with a project, goal or idea. There is a good chance of being misled, or of misleading others when it comes to communicating the progression of this project, goal or idea. Take care not to exaggerate or undersell yourself. Be as honest and as factual as possible. If this is a project or goal involving others, take steps to ensure that everyone is being upfront.

♋ - Cancer: Ace of Cups - This Mercury retrograde will have the most effect in an area related to your relationships. This may be romantic in nature, but it is also possible that this is a friend. Since this is likely someone you usually get along with quite well, the conflicting energy of Mercury retrograde may come as a bit of a shock to you. If this happens, try to keep in mind that Mercury retrograde can cause us all to communicate poorly, and that this particular retrograde is occurring in Scorpio. Emotions are likely to be running high, and you and your loved ones may be more reactive than usual. To help mitigate some of this intense energy, honesty will go a long way to clear the air. Try to be as clear as you can about your needs, and try to level the playing field a bit by remaining calm and clear headed.

♌ - Leo: Judgement - You may find that others are forming judgements about you during this Mercury retrograde. This will be due to misunderstandings about your motives, beliefs or ideals. You may find yourself under some scrutiny by those around you, or even strangers. In this situation, it's healthy to first consider how important these people are to you. If they are strangers, or people that you don’t particularly like, it may be best to just remove yourself from the situation. Let it all blow over. However, if these are your loved ones, you may find yourself wanting to correct their misconceptions. If this happens, know that you will have more success if you lay out the facts first. People who genuinely care about us will usually understand if we just sit down and take the time to explain our feelings and perspectives to them.

♍ - Virgo: Two of Swords - This Mercury retrograde will show up for you in the form of a block or a decision that seems impossible to make. You may have felt stuck in some area of your life previously. If this is the case, then this retrograde will uncover the information that you need in order to move forward. This information that comes to light may be unpleasant, but it will be necessary to listen and observe without falling into a habitual or reactive state in order to heal and move on. Additionally, there is the possibility that you or someone close to you will be in a state of denial about something. They or you will feel unable to move forward because all of the facts have not been considered. If this shows up for you, you can make a game plan. What could you do in the next 5 minutes to make a change? This doesn’t have to be a big change. Sometimes all we need to do to move past a block is to get the ball rolling.

♎ - Libra: Ace of Wands - This Mercury retrograde will be most apparent in your life in areas of work, school, projects or new ideas. These ideas may be related to your spirituality in some way. You will need to make sure you are searching for clarity in these areas before you will find success. Don’t move forward with anything until you are sure that you have all the facts. There is a lot of information that will be coming to light during this retrograde, so don’t make any final decisions just yet. If you can avoid making any final plans, do so. Mercury retrograde really isn’t the best time to be moving forward with any big plans or projects. It would be better to wait until Mercury stations direct in early November. However, if you feel that you will miss your chance if you wait, make sure you are communicating clearly and that others are being clear with you in return.

♏ - Scorpio: Seven of Wands - There is a strong theme of disagreements and the need to defend your perspective, choices or opinions. You may find that others around you are much more reactive than usual, and they may blow things out of proportion if they don’t understand where you’re coming from. Really, it’s much better to avoid any conflicts if you can. But if you feel that you are in a position where you have no other choice, be sure that you can back up all of your arguments with facts and well constructed opinions. Others will be more likely to see reason if you approach the situation logically.

♐ - Sagittarius: Knight of Pentacles - There is a lot of stable, steady energy around you during this Mercury retrograde. Progress toward any goal or project should be focused, clear and straightforward. This is great news for you! However, there is the potential for others to misinterpret your careful planning and progress as laziness or reluctance. It will be important for you to rationalize why it is better for you to move at a slow and steady pace. Communicate these reasons as clearly as possible to avoid any misunderstandings.

♑ - Capricorn: Page of Wands - You may find that others misunderstand your personal or creative expression during this Mercury retrograde season. This may manifest in relation to your fashion choices, your personality, music tastes or interests. Similar to the advice we saw for Leo, you will want to consider how important the opinions of the people around you are at this moment. Are these people you are close to? Do they care about you? If so, they will likely listen if you explain your perspective. Remember that Mercury retrograde can cause people to misunderstand, and Mercury retrograde in Scorpio makes people more reactive than usual. If these are not people who are close to you, consider where your energy is needed. You can explain and defend yourself if you want to, but you don’t owe this to anyone. Let unimportant opinions roll right off your back.

♒ - Aquarius: Six of Wands - In true aquarian fashion, you are going to find a way to take advantage of the Mercury retrograde in Scorpio energy, and turn it to your advantage. This is innovative and free thinking at it’s finest! In the coming weeks, you will be able to use some information or truths drawn out by the Mercury retrograde + scorpio energy to your advantage. This may allow you to gain the upperhand in a project, competition or area concerning work or school. This may also manifest as you being able to gain new insights on something that leads you to a new awareness or epiphany. A word of caution though. There is a high probability that others may view you as acting in an underhanded fashion, especially if the information you gain is detrimental to them in some way. There are two ways of handling this. First , be sure that you are being honest with yourself and that you’re truly aren’t doing anything underhanded. This will get you in trouble down the road. Second, if you are sure of yourself, try to communicate the situation to those around you in such a way that all can benefit from it. You will have more buy in this way.

♓ - Pisces: Six of Cups - The energy coming up for you during this Mercury retrograde is related to your past. You may notice that something you thought was over and done with is showing up again in some way. It will be important to remember that this thing, situation or belief from your past likely holds little value for you today. It is time to let it rest for good. If this is a situation that involves others, you can make it clear to them that you are ready to let it go by saying so. Be sure to tell them calmly, but in no uncertain terms that you are done talking about it. You’ve moved on and so should they. Don’t be afraid to set some boundaries. Alternatively, if this situation is related to something more internal, such as shadow work or personal growth, you will want to be honest with yourself. What purpose is this past energy serving in your life? If it isn’t doing any good, it’s time to let it go. Use the energy of the Mercury retrograde in scorpio to draw it to the surface, and lay it to rest.

[jostenneil]

I think something so fundamental to Naruto as a story is the fact that Naruto and Sasuke’s individual journeys in relation to Konoha—as a system and as a collective of people—are always going to send them in opposite directions. Like I realize that a lot of fans (including me, at times) wanted anything but angst for them as a conclusion, after all that they went through, but in doing so I think people ignore something undeniable about the story itself. As the story progresses, Konoha becomes a home to Naruto, and a source of exile to Sasuke. More under the cut!

The problems I have with Naruto’s post-canon—Chapter 700 and onward—lie mostly in the idea that Sasuke is willing to bend and cater to this system that: 

manipulated his brother into massacring his whole family,

isolated him as a result of that massacre, fixing his hatred on a singular point with no thought to how that situation could easily spiral, which it did, 

provided him with no knowledge as to why that massacre actually occurred,

and when he did find out the reason, lead him to realize that Konoha was a village that had never wanted him to begin with, that he had been spared solely because his brother loved him that much (but even then, that love wasn’t without consequence, and it was manipulated by the background intentions of Konoha’s elite), 

and, regardless of all these facts, continued to alienate and criminalize him rather than help or address his trauma and his very valid reasons for rage aimed at the village. 

Do I agree that there were better ways for Sasuke to go about his intentions once he recognized Konoha’s elite for the scum of the earth that they were? Sure. But I also think it’s important to recognize that he was incredibly destabilized as a child, and it’s amazing, because for some people this is a very hard thing to understand? I think fandom doesn’t realize the difference in the words ‘justified’ and ‘explained’. Were all of Sasuke’s actions in canon justified? Maybe not (although a lot were). Were all of his actions well explained by his trauma? Honestly, yeah. 

So to circle back to the point that I am trying to make—it’s true that during Part I, he grew very close to Team 7, and for a brief moment in time, these relationships were like a lifeline for him. But think about it—is a connection that you hold to three people enough to keep you in a village where you hardly feel connected to the rest? This is only a mild issue for Sasuke at the end of Part I; he doesn’t feel very connected to most people in Konoha, but at best, they’re just annoying background noise, trivial obstacles in the face of his goal to hunt down and murder Itachi. 

By the end of Part II, however, it’s overwhelmingly integral to his situation. Over the course of his journey, he’s come to learn that Konoha as a system always viewed him—his family—as a potential threat. His life was spared by his brother, but even that came with consequences and orders orchestrated by Danzo and co.; add onto that the chaos that he wrecked once he was free of Orochimaru’s tutelage, and you have a person who didn’t just alienate himself from his village, but who was alienated by that village in turn. 

It just makes so much sense to me that he leaves at the end of Chapter 699, because while he obviously cares deeply for Naruto and Sakura, is it really realistic to imagine him staying there just for them? What would he do, and what purpose would staying there serve him? This village rendered his entire life a lie, trivialized his existence, and traumatized him as a result. Aside from his connection to Naruto, by the end of the manga, Sasuke is purposeless. For someone whose entire arc is propelled by hate and sadness that stems from a very specific purpose, he ends up in this strange, sort of in-limbo space. . .

. . . which is why I actually like the idea that he decided to go on a journey for himself. It’s why I like the Blank Period notion of him being this forever traveler who drops in on occasion to help when circumstances are dire. It’s a good balance for him. In the fast-forwarded post-canon, however, we see that he’s essentially become a more child-friendly Itachi equivalent—he’s signed his life away to forever protect Konoha from behind the scenes, despite the fact that it comes at the cost of him neglecting his own family, and for the sake of a populace that for the most part does not care for him. It just feels like such a cruel way for his story to come full circle, after everything that he went through, because as much as he loves Naruto, Sasuke admitting to loss is more an acceptance to let love in, in full, and to let it guide him over the hatred he’d harbored in his heart for so long. That doesn’t have to be equivalent to submitting himself to Konoha—it just means that he should allow himself to prioritize his own needs and desires, rather than let anyone else’s evil or trauma guide him, as it has for the whole story.

And actually, that notion, to me, is what made Naruto’s character progression and ending make a lot of sense in comparison. He is someone who constantly strove for heartfelt connection to others, despite the pain and rejection that it could very often inflict on himself. In many ways, it was a dangerous way to think, and he often came off as naive(, which Naruto as a story is plenty criticized for, because it easily runs counter-intuitive to any sort of worthy political commentary on the series), but it also made him a very hopeful and independent person. He didn’t allow what others thought of him or inflicted upon him to guide his thinking, and he was very much someone who prioritized his own heart over the malice of others. 

So naturally, Naruto always ran in a direction opposed to Sasuke as a result of this thinking—and we know this. Befriending and changing the people around him for the better was what propelled Naruto more than anything, and it’s why Konoha ended up as a home for him despite everything it and its people did to discourage and put him down. He had to go to ridiculous lengths to prove himself, and in many ways it was cruel to realize, but he also formed so many valuable relationships along the way. Like, his relationship with Sasuke obviously takes precedence, because it is the foundation and catalyst for everything, but I don’t really agree with people who view Naruto’s dream of becoming Hokage as an obstacle to that bond. I actually feel like those were goals that ran in parallel for him. And I mean, he even says it, doesn’t he? How is he supposed to become Hokage if he can’t even bring back this one friend from darkness. It just resonates so much to me that by the end of the story, Naruto is someone actually prepared to take on the mantle of Hokage—because he understands other people’s pain, and he runs with it, and he is insistent upon making the people around him love themselves because he knows how miserable he was as a child hardly able to love himself. 

In that sense, Chapter 699 is, to me, a really great chapter. I think it captures that forever diverging dichotomy between him and Sasuke perfectly. Naruto is a story equally about Naruto making a home for himself in Konoha as it is about Sasuke freeing himself from the same village’s shackles. True, there is this intense, deeply rooted love that they are always going to have for each other, but that love is something that runs alongside their own personal feelings and ambitions, rather than against it. I think people get caught up in the idea that a happy ending for them has to mean that they’re together together, but to me there’s a certain poetry in them going their own separate ways. Konoha is no longer a home for Sasuke (if it ever was, even a little), but that relationship to Naruto and Team 7 will forever be important to him and influence him wherever he goes; and Konoha has become a home for Naruto, but it’s also with the peace of knowing that Sasuke won’t ever succumb to the darkness of others again, and will love himself first. 

So, tldr; I think the notion of Naruto ending with Naruto and Sasuke going their separate ways is kind of ingenious, because it ties deeply into what Konoha means to each of them by the end of it. This isn’t me saying that I think they’re never going to see each other again—I just don’t think the conclusion to their individual arcs has to be in opposition to what their relationship means to them. They can continue to be intensely important to each other, while prioritizing their own hopes and dreams. That’s the beauty and tragedy of their relationship to me. (Chapter 700, who?)

[purplepalmdelight]

why life is still okay (rambling fic rec pt. 1)

firstly: shout out to @trulyalpha for apparently owning my entire bookmarks page on ao3 (bc i only realised all my favourite fics were written by the same person,,, yesterday. bc im really smart like that) anyway breakdown of why she’s a stoncy saving grace thanks!!!

you ease my mind, you make everything feel fine.

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/13842039)

yes this fic is from 2018. yes i read it every other week. it’s good for the SOUL. jonathan getting taken care of is always just such a good and sweet concept (maybe it’s my intense, undying love of him, but he deserves to be taken care okay) and. okay i’ll admit, sometimes i forget how fucking FUNNY this fic is, but it’s genuinely hilarious, okay? you gotta trust me on this. it makes me cackle at inappropriate times absurdly often. ("Hi." "Hi." "I want you, you fuck." is a top line. i laugh so hard every TIME.) all three of them are so incredibly in character, and somehow this NAILS the fact that they’re all massive disasters pretending to be confident. and i’m not someone that reads ~smut~ often (though it’s more mentioned than described, very non-explicit) but this didn’t make me even the least bit uncomfortable. it felt very natural and in character and made me laugh as much as the rest of the story. all in all, i always come away a little more in love with the characters, and that’s a really precious feeling.

you could be the one to make me feel something

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/14269476/chapters/32912745)

i take back everything i’ve ever claimed. this IS the funniest piece of writing i’ve ever read, and it WILL remain so, probably until the day i die. i honestly... barely have words. my expectations were high when i started it, but in retrospect, they were LEAGUES below what i got. the characterisation, the progression, the dialogue, the story; from the overarching aspects to the tiny details, it’s impeccable. i genuinely read this twice in one day, and then again the next. every single part of it is so good, but in terms of FAVOURITES... the christmas section. hilarious. down to its bones, well crafted and heart felt. it hits me right in the chest every time. the story, from the beginning, has me just as in love with nancy and steve as jonathan is, and as everything grows more intense, so does my investment. it pulls me in and doesn’t let me go until it’s good and ready to see me leave. again, the sexy aspects are so in character and natural that it’s uncomfortable or weird to read and instead just leave me grinning like an idiot. also ( “It did frustrate me, in more ways than one. It’s also a weird plan, like … did you expect me to be so overwhelmed by the power of a boner that I’d just admit my feelings?” is SUCH a funny line, i think about it literally every day. literally. every. day.) the characters are afraid to be messy, to make mistakes, and they all feel so ALIVE that when i leave the story, i feel like i’m leaving a friend. it’s honestly beautiful and honestly breathtaking. this story is better than a lot of published books, honestly, and i’m so grateful for it. so thank you.

i crash my car ‘cause i wanna get carried away!

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/17131202)

...you really wanted to make me cry, huh? i cried out of grief, yeah, out of the depth of nancy’s guilt and the pure rawness of her mourning, but i also cried out of catharsis as she came to terms, and out of laughter a few times. the bit about total eclipse of the heart as a motif was... that was so well done. i hate drawing comparisons, so please understand that this is criticism of a concept and not a particular story, but in so many stories then nancy’s grief feels... trivialised? that’s not quite the right word. romanticised, maybe. as someone who has lost a friend in the past, it’s just... it doesn’t feel realistic? and that’s okay, because it’s hard to nail something you haven’t experienced, and i wouldn’t wish the experience on anyone. it’s just that stories like this, where i can really resonate with nancy and follow the journey of her recovery WITH her are so rare. this story is a gem, it really is. i don’t love it for all the same reasons as the others, but i love it fiercely all the same.

there’s nothing magic going on, and then along came you

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/14994137)

sure, you could be the one is the funniest fic i’ll probably ever read, but nothing magic is such a close second. it’s laugh-out-loud, get-tears-in-your-eyes, fall-out-of-your-chair, and it’s also so goddamn SWEET i can hardly stand it. of the several fics i generally group together in my head (nothing magic, you could be the one + its sequels (might have to make an individual post about this series), laugh until we think we’ll die, and got nothing for you; all very similar, yet incredibly unique) nothing magic is the shortest, but that doesn’t mean it compromises on quality, oh no. it just means i can read it quicker, and therefore more often! when it’s late and i’m tired and i need a laugh to calm down before i sleep, i generally go search this fic up. remember when i mentioned the whole “being just as in love with nancy and steve as jonathan is” thing? it’s like that except... almost funnier. in you could be the one, it’s just that the story naturally tugs you into adoring these two messy, silly, sweet, amazing young adults, because how could you not? how else could you possibly feel? but here, they are genuinely just... that funny. they are actually just so funny that you as a reader click with them and find yourself grinning like an IDIOT because oh my god you’re disasters. maybe it’s the inherent relatability of a tired highschooler trying to make it through the summer and hating his job along the way, but this fic hits right in the heart every damn time.

got nothing for you other than love

(https://archiveofourown.org/works/17596658)

"You trust me," she says.

They both know it's a fact, not question, but he still says, "Of course."

and

By then, his shell wasn't something he could step out of. It was part of him. But that was okay. He didn't need more. What he had was enough.

He always did have trouble with wanting more.

and

"Hey, babe?" Nancy turns her head to look at Steve, touching his shoulder. "Can you buy me a drink?"

"Sure thing. What d'ya want?"

"Surprise me. Not like that time we were here and you snuck out the store, went to a smoothie stand, and came back with a mango smoothie."

Steve grins. "But I did surprise you."

and

"Do you have food in the backseat?"

"The sandwich has only been there for like, two weeks—"

and

"Ugh. Too much cheese. I'm lactose-intolerant, remember?"

"False, you're not intolerant of anyone except people over the age of fifteen with bowl cuts and guys who wear shorts in the winter."

and

"Where are you off to? I'm your only friend," Kali says, frowning.

and

"You good, man?"

"Yeah," he says, his throat dry, "I'm great."

"Yeah, you are," Nancy says, and he is. He is.

and i can’t continue because that’s, like, barely halfway into the fic and i’ve already skipped so many of my favourite lines and i would have to skip so many more. you see what i mean about sathana being funny as hell? and like all the others, it’s not just the humour here. i mean... it is, because it’s SO FUCKING FUNNY I LITERALLY CANNOT SAY THAT ENOUGH but the reason it’s so funny is because it’s so candid. it’s so smooth. the whole thing flows. you’re not left feeling that you’ve missed a piece or that anything was sacrificed; you just feel like you’ve read something incredible. this fic is an experience of its own that i honestly have never experienced before. it’s sweet, and it’s gentle, and it’s just so overwhelmingly good that i don’t think i’ll ever quite get over it. in short? it’s a blessing. my expectations were high, but holy fuck did you blow them to bits.

one more favourite line:

Things are ending, things are starting, and everything looks bright. It won't always be that way. The sun's got to set at some point. But, gazing up at the sky, at the pink bleeding into orange, Jonathan figures it'll have to rise again. No matter what happens, these two things are constant.

"Hey, you look awfully lonely," Nancy calls out, walking towards him, reaching out to him with the hand not in Steve's.

Well. Maybe not just those two things.

that scene, in general, is beautiful, and it wraps the story up on such a genuine note. it feels like a film with how clearly i can picture it. it feels like no fic i’ve ever really read before. it feels... good. i guess i don’t really have the words. it just feels so good.

as an overall statement on why i call her my favourite author... it’s the realism. maybe that’s surprising, considering how many times i said “funny” or “hilarious” in here, but in the end, i wouldn’t be so attached to her work if it didn’t feel so real. i can open a tab and instantly get transported to a home i’ve never lived in. it’s comfortable. it’s sweet. and the dialogue/banter is always perfectly crafted. there’s just never really a downside to her fics, honestly. even if i wanted to search, i don’t think i’d find one. not even one of those “their only problem is that there’s not more to enjoy” kind of comments, because every single one feels perfectly crafted in its own right. it doesn’t need more or less. it stands for itself and it’s goddamn good at it.

i didn’t anticipate having to do multiple parts on this post, but- surprise surprise- i haven’t even gotten to my favourite one yet! so yeah, pt. 2 will be written after i finish the history essay trying to murder me, god knows when that is. in the meantime, please go give her some love and adoration. she deserves it.

[angrycowboy]

So my original idea was to just tackle my thoughts on RNM’s portrayal of Michael Guerin’s bisexuality, which is something I have loved a lot. But then 2x06 aired, and we got some beautiful insight into Alex Manes, and I had to shift gears a bit to include that.

Because I know tensions regarding this episode are high, consider this a warning - I am going to talk about Michael and Alex, and a bit about the airstream scene in 2x06. And I am going to discuss how it has resonated with me in a positive way. But mostly, this is about how sexuality is complicated, and how amazing it is to see depictions on television that truly make me feel seen.

One of my favorite things about Michael Guerin, and about how RNM has chosen to portray his bisexuality, is that it’s not obvious. He doesn’t feel the need to talk about it, or discuss it - and in fact, only offers it up to Isobel in 1x10 as she’s questioning her own feelings in an effort to make her feel more comfortable. Later in 1x11, he snaps at Max because well, Max has just poked and prodded at him talk (and they’re stuck in the bunker together with nothing else to do). And someone who isn’t comfortable in who they are doesn’t say things like, “It’s not that complicated.” That is something firmly in the camp of yeah, this is who I am, what of it? Because make no mistake, it is incredibly important to me to hear characters like Michael Guerin self-identify on screen as bisexual.

Part of this portrayal can of course, also be attributed to Michael’s upbringing in the foster care system, where talking about himself was never encouraged or allowed. Because I don’t think, given how it is repeatedly reinforced that Michael shunned most aspects of humanity on Earth, that he was ever ashamed of his sexuality. Though I do believe that said upbringing did affect his own feelings of self-worth, and how he saw himself in the eyes of others.

Something I’ve seen mentioned a lot are two interactions we see on screen: between Alex & Maria in 1x10, and between Maria & Liz in 1x13, and the idea that there is “outing” of Michael. And while, I do understand and respect a lot of those arguments, especially regarding their importance regarding the LGBTQ community as a whole, something I don’t see discussed are people who don’t necessarily want to have a formal coming out, or who don’t feel the need to initiate those conversations regarding their sexuality. Even though yes, both Alex and Maria do technically out Michael (though neither do it with any malicious intent), I don't believe that Michael himself would care that other people know he is bisexual (his feelings for Alex are a different story entirely). And part of that may be that he doesn't believe anyone else thinks of him that much to even discuss him due to that upbringing he had, and also because the act of coming out would involve the feeling of being under a microscope (thanks for that wording, Riley), and Michael Guerin would definitely want to avoid that.

But back to my original point - at no point during Season 1 does Michael Guerin give the impression that he is ashamed of his sexuality - the lack of bringing it up first does not read that way to me. It reads more as Michael sees it simply as part of who he is, and that’s it. He can’t change it, and he’s already different (he’s a literal alien, ffs), so why worry about it. It very much reminds me of how I have viewed my own sexuality for years - it is simply just part of who I am. I have never felt the need to sit anyone down and announce my sexuality - in fact, I came out to my mother as I was walking out the door to go on a date. She asked what his name was, and I just replied what her name was.

But there seems to exist this idea within the LGBTQ community that every person needs to have a “coming out.” That we need to be completely in control of who knows, and how they find out, and when they find out, which is not something I agree with completely. Now, also know that I understand the importance of this idea to many, because of rampant homophobic attitudes that remain present within our society. But I see very few people discussing and supporting those of us who would rather not have to announce it in some grand way - because is this not also allowing someone to control their narrative? It has definitely made me wonder how different my own acceptance of my sexuality could have been had I believed that it wasn’t a requirement for me to come out to the people in my life (an idea which sends my anxiety into a tailspin, tbh).

Again, this is just my perspective regarding the overall portrayal of Michael’s bisexuality. It is not meant to act as a correct version, just sharing why I have particularly enjoyed what RNM has done.

But it was not Michael Guerin that made me want to write fanfic, and it was not Michael Guerin that truly made me love this show - it was in fact, Alex Manes. It was Alex Manes, who is confrontational, who is analytical, who needs facts first and who lives so much within his own head, that truly drew me into this show. Alex Manes who very clearly has struggled not with the fact that he is gay, but with that outward expression of his sexuality. In canon, this is very much due to the trauma of his childhood, to growing up in an abusive household that rejected everything about who he was as a person, and tried to force him into a box that was very much not who he is. And while I did not have that kind of upbringing, the idea of believing you won’t be accepted even among the people who should love you unconditionally is a universal feeling within the LGBTQ community. 

Alex’s talk with Maria in the truck is perhaps some of the most relatable queer representation I’ve ever seen. Because it dives into the different types of love and attraction and how not every touch between two people needs to be sexual in nature. And it lays out very plainly how important it is to have trust between people. But it’s also about recognizing what you do want, and accepting that for yourself. And that conversation is so important toward understanding what happens later on in the Airstream.

Because Alex, due to his upbringing, doesn’t believe that he is worthy of being loved in that way. When Maria comforts Michael over the realization that he could have lost both of them, Alex says he should go, not because he doesn’t want to be there. He says it because he feels like he shouldn’t be allowed to be there, to want to be there. Alex feels like an intrusion, even though he’s gone through the same horrifying ordeal and he’s with two people he loves and feels safe around. Maria recognizes that immediately, and moves back to Alex in order to give him the safety he needs as well. Maria is acting in regards to both of the boys love languages - Alex needs that physical touch of reassurance (kissing him), Michael needs to hear it verbally (”it’s okay”). And furthermore, they all need each other in that moment (”I just want us all safe”).

But it is specifically Alex’s speech in the truck earlier, about touch and self-acceptance that has me sobbing every time I watch it. Because even though I got my first crush on a girl as a teenager, it wasn’t until years later that I actually allowed myself to act on that. It was only years later that I learned just how different my attraction toward men and women really was, that I enjoyed different things for different reasons from the different sexes and that was okay. So that speech has just really resonated with me as a bisexual woman who struggled for years with acceptance of her sexuality, of being able to act on it, and it makes me incredibly happy to see a television show (A CW SHOW ABOUT COWBOY ALIENS OK) conquering these things in such a relatable way.

All of this ended up making me go back to something Chasing wrote last year about Michael’s bisexuality, and the portrayal we’re seeing, and something she said in her meta: “No one is harder on queer representation and queer media than queer people - and I get it. We’ve had so much bad representation and we’re sick of it and that’s understandable. But it’s turned into this thing where every slice of representation has to be Perfect or it’s Garbage, and it’s leading creators to not want to try because they’re so harshly run off every time they do. And when they don’t try, they don’t learn, and when they don’t learn, they don’t do better.” So maybe the rep isn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a valiant effort being made to reach out to an underrepresented community. And for me personally, the depiction doesn’t have to be perfect, because people aren’t perfect, and sexuality isn’t one size fits all. What may make one person feel seen and understood, another may not see themselves represented at all - but that’s okay. Because with more representation in media, comes different tellings and stories, and comes different ways people can relate because the queer community is not a monolith. We all look at things through different lenses and experiences, but it becomes hurtful when those who don’t see themselves represented in a specific piece of media start telling those who do that they are wrong. And I wish more people would take that into consideration during discussions and criticisms.

Finally, I want to end with this gif, because woo boy. This face and that look. I know that look. I have made that look. This look is so goddamn recognizable and familiar. Because there’s also something about knowing you’re watching an actor who has probably also gone through a lot of these same feelings the character is expressing, that it just comes through in their performance and makes it all the more relatable and real (and especially how even the script itself makes it obvious it was written by people in the queer community).

[oxtoxtoxto]

Supergirl and What it Means to be Marketed To

i think what bothers me the most about supergirl ending isn’t necessarily that it is, itself, ending. that’s a weird sentence, sure, but i’m not entirely attached to the show as other people in the fandom are. i might be 150 thousand words deep into a crossover with the show and being told “hey it’s not going to get another season after the next” was a pretty significant blow to my motivation (which i think i’ll get over) but overall i always found the show... mediocre? okay? perfectly adequate for what it was (with a few choice exceptions)? 

supergirl was never bad, but to a point the day-to-day episodic nature of it didn’t really catch me like it might’ve others. maybe i’m just full of myself but i felt like i could figure out what the moral quandry of each episode generally turned out to be, so long as it was one of those episodes in which a specific moral judgement was to be made. medusa focuses on how fucked up the luthor family is, and it wasn’t hard to predict that kara’s own family might be brought up as a contrast. episodes generally had a formula and that’s, fine? okay? sometimes it grated that i could understand what the plot was about fifteen minutes into an episode, but it was, like, fine. 

no, supergirl no longer having episodes isn’t what bothers me. the cast has their own reasons to call the curtains; melissa wants to raise her kid, which is a decision i think was made with a lot of thought and care, covid-19 has rendered shooting kinda risky in general, etc. 

it’s none of that, it’s the fact that supergirl felt like a show for me.

it’s hard to explain, i guess? but like, i go into comic book-related shows (and to an extent sci-fi in general) expecting myself, a trans woman, not to be even remotely the target audience. at all. like maybe they might make token efforts to be inclusive? but i realize from the very beginning that i’m not the people they really wrote the show for.

supergirl was different.

supergirl is probably the first and only comic book-focused series that i felt was made for me. it felt like a comic book show for women, and did its best to include different types of women from different walks of life. i might be leery about its weird fascination with rich women and stuff but... it felt like it was written for me.

which is a very alien experience as a trans woman. literally sweet fuck all is ever written for me. even shows which ostensibly include trans women generally include them for shock value, to be sexualized, or generally exploit their presence as not something that is normal, but something that is other, just to varying degrees of bigotry.

comic books especially are bad about this. they’re bad about marketing towards women in general (despite, you know, women being showed to buy comic books if they’re written by someone who has met a woman before) and as a result the setting of a comic book serial has always been vaguely out of reach for me. i could never fully get into them because, even before i figured out i was trans, it all felt very... male-focused. female characters were rarely the viewpoint of the story or the focus, and when they were it was a genuine dice-roll if you would get a realistic depiction out of it.

not only that, but female side characters always ran the risk of being bizarrely sexualized or twisted into knots over male characters, usually the main. 

point is, supergirl didn’t feel like that. supergirl felt like a show written by someone who was marketing it towards a female audience and not in the misogynistic way sitcoms and shit market towards women with shallow approximations of abusive relationships played off as ‘quirky’ or ‘broody’.

even throughout all of its incredibly... interesting choices it still never felt like the show had suddenly become a show for guys. it was always grounded in feeling like it was written for women, regardless of its ups or downs, and that was very, very nice.

and now it’s going to be gone. i’m not... really attached to supergirl as a construct, as mentioned before, it’s more that i’ve attached myself to the idea of supergirl. the idea of a mid-budget superhero show marketed for women and not being weirdly exclusive about it. not just that, but it wasn’t a show featuring teenagers--it wasn’t about young girls, or coming-of-age, it was about women who lived and existed in a world and who occasionally had to fight aliens. it was nice, it wasn’t perfect, sometimes i put the speed on 2x to skip through some of it, but... it was there. it was an option. i could, after slogging through another release of a comic i had high hopes for but had long since abandoned them, gone to it and went ‘yeah, sure, things might suck on that end, but at least i have this’.

which i don’t anymore. i get that batwoman and legends will still be around, i do, but... neither of them felt, like, as resonant with me as supergirl did. neither of them focused on marginalized groups of people like supergirl did (with it’s aliens -> immigrant allegory) and frankly none of them had a trans character.

as much as i might not be 100% in the brainia camp, i can at least appreciate that the one trans character wasn’t left out of the romantic weirdness of cw shows, the constant rotating door of interpersonal drama. it was nice to see a trans woman on screen and not feel like a shoe is going to drop and i’m going to have to endure The Transphobia Episode, where the main character - not the trans one - comes in and stops the bad things from happening so as to be elevated into being more morally good than anyone else.

i never had to worry about nia nal being written... well weirdly. you know what i mean, right? when a show gets an lgbt character or a poc and there’s just something very subtly wrong about how they’re written vs your experiences? i get that experiences aren’t universal and vary wildly depending on where you live (me being in canada has separated me from the severity of transphobia in places like the us and uk) but even then you can just kinda tell that whoever wrote the character doesn’t... really understand them, either.

i never had to worry about alex being turned into a predator, and however much i might fucking hate them reusing the old weird fixation with lesbians hating the idea of kids, it... still wasn’t that horrifying. people split up for reasons surrounding kids all the time, i did. i have experiences that mirror that, though we split up more amicably than others.

the point is, supergirl always felt very safe. it always felt marketed at me, it always felt like it was meant for me to watch, and that wasn’t something i’d ever experienced as someone who deeply loves comic books. it has always been out of the range of my expectations to find something that resonates with me despite its plot, despite everything.

and now it’s going to go away.

and i’m upset about that, i guess.

because i’m not... entirely sure there’ll be another. i desperately want there to be, but you have to understand my expectations are absolutely rock bottom. supergirl is not the change in a stale river to me, it’s not the turning tide, it’s the outlier. it came from cw for gods’ sake, noted bury-your-gays enthusiasts. i went into it expecting exactly the same thing i expect out of every superhero franchise, marvel, dc or otherwise.

and it completely blew my expectations away. it made me feel like it was for me in a way not even some of the better written-by-women comics have, despite everything, which is why i stuck around even through the weird shit around lena/kara, even through all the posturing and alex/maggie’s breakup and mon-el and season 5 as a concept and, and, and...

now it’s going to be going away, and i’m not entirely sure how to handle that.

i know i can rewatch it, i know it’ll always be there, even if netflix takes it off. i know.

but it means someone won’t be writing a woman-focused superhero show anymore, and i’ll really miss that.