#going through the motions of life
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being so honest I don’t understand how people can expect you to be doing things constantly every single day. I’m supposed to be on summer break but my university expects me to send in 80 sources for my senior thesis by next week
the very thought of doing school work right now makes me want to cry. I can’t even open a blank document and start writing for my own fics. I can’t even engage in my own hobby right now because I’m so mentally exhausted. how can you expect me to do thesis work? I’ve hardly had a break since finals
my personal life has been an ongoing shitshow since last summer. and has only gotten worse in recent months. how can you expect someone to function in society when you throw one thing after another at them?
I’m so tired and done. but I have no choice other than pushing through it because that’s what’s expected of me! that’s exhausting
#delete later#sorry I’m really frustrated rn#and screaming into the void is a better solution than keeping it bottled up#I really want to disappear rn#I’m not finding enjoyment from the things I love any more#I physically can’t bring myself to write#I’ve been stuck in this survival state since winter#everything feels so bad and overwhelming#I think I need a break or something#I don’t know#I don’t know what’ll help anymore#I don’t know what’ll make me feel better#I just want to cry#all the time#I miss writing. I miss being proud of what I wrote#I miss when I would be able to post something and I was happy with it#when I didn’t feel like I had to rewrite it over and over#I miss feeling like myself#lately I’ve just… felt like a stranger in my own body#going through the motions of life#and y’know what fuck I miss feeling like I was cared for#and loved#but I’m Me so yknow. I don’t get that#maybe I should take a nap
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okay but what if seeing quirkless pro hero Deku on the news inspires quirkless former-pro Takami Keigo to try the whole hero thing again, but this time on his own terms
#mostly he just gets himself into trouble but he also gets himself out of it#and figures out what he really wants to do with the rest of his life or at least with tomorrow#should i write this??#what if (hypothetically) i wanted to write this#what if (hypothetically) i had a phone note#it would serve as a sequel to both there's no good tricks but old ones and object in motion#i've moved through the five stages of grief regarding the epilogue but i personally have a secret sixth stage called 'salvaging'#star wars taught me that the end of the story is going to break your heart and you're just going to have to look around on the ground#for the biggest pieces so you can dust them off and put them back together however you can#liza blather#takami keigo#midoriya izuku#manga spoilers#mha manga spoilers#bnha manga spoilers#mha spoilers#bnha spoilers#spoiler tag the heck out of this post#q
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one thing i hope double exposure does is keep the creep factor of lis 1. because as someone who knew nothing walking into the game, i was surprised at how casually unnerving everything felt and it totally sucked me in.
#Usually too shy to pitch in on fandom talk but hey!!#The nightmare scene and even the trippy aspects like#Walking through the dorms as rachel and chloe solving those puzzles#Even just things like nathan’s art and kate on the roof#I really like the “anything can happen” bit where the player isn’t safe to just go through the motions of the gameplay#lis#life is strange#lis double exposure#Rn the advertising kind of feels like “my friend is dead…i have to prevent her murder - oh cool! Double reality!”#Which is sick but ALSO it’d be cool to have that murky lis 1 feel to it
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the thing i keep thinking back to over and over about i saw the tv glow is when owen is like "i have a family of my own now. i love them a lot" and then you NEVER see them, not even a sound, it's just a blip, they're just an empty motion...
#i saw the tv glow#queer people going through the motion of the expected cisheteronormative life path. and it feels so empty and what youre SUPPOSED TO DO#because youre a man now. a real adult.
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Luke dies. Ethan lives, gets assigned long term punishment as a wanderer by the gods, and takes backbiter as his own weapon. Alabaster gets assigned the same punishment and resents Luke. Alabaster and Ethan meet. Discuss.
#lukethan#Luke Castellan#Ethan Nakamura#Alabaster Torrington#PjO#other important info is that Alabaster’s resentment extends to Ethan for multiple reasons#1. Ethan is in love with Luke (is NOT was) 2. Ethan was the closest demigod to Luke 3. Ethan has backbiter#and Ethan is going through the motions of life because he’s undying until he completes the terms of his punishment#yes this is a WIP
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the struggles of writing smut (series edition)
where were we?
going back to the previous chapter to see which room they were inÂ
“…as he lifts her up and presses her against the wall”; previous chapter: they were on a bed
vice versa for this version: “she clenches her fingers around the bedsheets beneath her…”; previous chapter: they were in the living room
did this character give the other a nickname?
going back to the previous chapter to see if they’re naked yet
“…he rips her panties off her skin”; previous chapter: he already stole her panties
and vice versa for this version: “she falls breathless as she watches him smoothly taking his suit off and start unbuttoning his shirt…”; previous chapter: he’s already shirtless
when they’re climaxed/finished and the main/male character wipes his partner clean with his shirt that was tossed in the other room a few chapters ago
“…as he runs his fingers through her silky hair”; previous chapter: her hair is thick and curlyÂ
#writelbr#writing life#writing meme#on writing#smut writing#writing struggles#was writing in motion and had to write these down#because that's what I'm going through rn#feel free to add your struggles if you have them
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I knew Micah wasn’t a great guy but I was a fool to think he had any redeeming traits.
#meek’s art#blood cw#tw blood#violence tw#violence cw#gore cw#Micah bell#red dead redemption 2 fanart#red dead redemption two#rdr2#micah rdr2#rdr2 micah#rdr2 spoilers#spoilers#I knew he was bad ever since chapter 2 but it wasn’t until chapter 6 it set in#he has NO good in him… that’s hard for me to stomach because I adore him.#I adore him BECAUSE he is an evil man#but like… Jesus. he is selfish and immoral through and through#bravo to the writers because they managed to make a character so iconic and become my favorite AND most hated#I feel like my feelings are so strong because a part of me died when Arthur died#I ain’t saying I kin the man but I definitely spent weeks think about my life through his eyes#it fucks me up to play RDR2 and then go through life’s motions with the mindset of a man dying of TB#it hurts to reflect on my life and actions with the mindset of an outlaw who’s era is over#it hurts to go through life internalizing the distrust and defeatism prevalent in chapter 5 and 6
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April 28, 2023
Despite everything, it's still you.
#me#ive cut back on lifting a lot due to injuries and struggles with my joints and instead picked up lane swimming in march#i had never used a public pool in my life and never swam with intent before#it was new and kind of terrifying but i needed to move my body again in a way that didnt cause pain#the first few times were pretty rough- i couldnt swim well or hold my breath and struggled with the repetitive motion and breathing#one day beams of sunlight shone through the airy space and large windows and cast shining watery reflections on the pool's bottom#i had been learning water caustics for 3d art and i loved to watch them#its gotten a lot easier now and i can let my mind wander and enjoy the sensations instead of worrying about drowning#the cool water on my skin#the muffled amniotic sounds of bubbling fluids#the mosaic tiles and patterns#the sunlight and caustics#every time i go its a social stress test- but I've gotten better at handling it and it helps me connect with other people in a tiny way#i dont know what the future of my body's training will look like as i plow into middle age#but im proud of myself for doing something totally new and finding joy in it
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Just wrote an email coming out as nonbinary to the hardest conceivable group: the 5 girls I was friends with in middle school because one of them is inviting us to her pre-wedding Girls Trip And Witchy Women Time. Yikes.
#there's a reason i haven't talked to any of them in years and it's not because i don't like them#it's because i was literally a shell of a person when i knew them going through the motions of both Girl and Life#and it's only through luck that there was something ready to hatch inside that shell and it didn't just fall on the floor and shatter#personal#i got the first email yesterday and had to leave work early because it fucked me up so bad#i've built such a safe community that it's been a while since my dysphoria has gotten actually triggered like that#idk if i'm going to be able to sleep tonight
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i think twelve and clara are starting to make sense to me but i don't think it's what moffat intended or how the ppl that like them see their dynamic
#they are so obsessed with each other but not as people but the ideas of each other.#twelve's whole character to me feels like the grieving immortal that no longer has anything as a buffer#between him and the weight of the universe. so he sees clara as this culmination of every one of the companions he's lost before#and that adds up. what w/ eleven meeting versions of clara and seeing them die. that adds up w/ clara's presence in heaven sent#faceless and just telling him what to do. she is the companion he cannot fail this time (but he also#cannot reconcile how one of the reasons he keeps someone like her around is /because/ she's mortal)#meanwhile clara bc of her time in the tardis and how she was treated by eleven. thinks herself to be more than she is#she thinks she's owed so much in her life and she thinks she can handle all of it. like ten in waters of mars#so she views twelve and the life in the tardis as an affirmation of what's so extraordinary about her#which is also how she sees danny. i think her character really sings if this is the main idea w/ her relationships with others#bc it's how the doctor acted around her when he first met her. not seeing her as a person but as an idea a mystery a means to an end#so of course as someone who becomes more and more like the doctor as time goes on it makes so much sense that this would be so central#just like how w martha's doctorfication arc it was about self-sacrifice and violence and death. bc that's how ten acted around her#twelve and clara still have the standard traits of doctor and companion of course. the doctor saves the companion when they're in trouble.#the companion remembers to care when the doctor forgets. but they're going through familiar motions as they#start to lose more and more of themselves by being around each other. bc they don't really see the other person#and that's why their dynamic is so obsessive and toxic#dr who#12 era#now this reading has made both characters make a lot of sense to me but also this has tanked my enjoyment of hell bent#in how clara's arc resolves. i won't elaborate more on that until i actually get to it on the rewatch though
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winter depression is here and I am ANNOYED about it
#not really a vent in tags. just bitching about it lmao#i am a creative extrovert who suddenly does not want to create or talk to people!#but i have been through this more than enough times to know that i need to start doing those things MORE#as to not get dragged into the depression spiral#and like for a lot of people it's just 'get outside more'#but my disabled ass isn't easily able to do that so it's just 'text more. discord more. draw more. read more. inside things more.'#which does work for me but is harder in some ways#i do not miss high school but at least it got me out of the house some#at least I do enjoy christmastime. i like the lights and the vibes and the winter flavors and scents of things#so i have that in the next few weeks to lean into#like idk. i know how to deal with this. i do it every year. it's more annoying than anything at this point#like. oh okay. life feels like a cloudy grey parking lot. again. it'll go away eventually.#and until then i just need to be a Normal Person About Everything if i feel like it or not#hate that feeling of going through the motions. everything is just emotional grey static
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thinking about Shang Qinghua as a calamity again...
#svsss#shang qinghua#technically counts as tgcf?#just the idea of sqh dying and coming back is so compelling because in canon he literally just going through the motions. he's given up.#he doesn't WANT to die (from mbj's hand– from cang qiong's fall) but that's all he sees. it's the only end he can imagine to his story.#so the act of getting him to the point where he WANTS to stay– where it doesn't matter that death has come to take him he's not DONE YET is#revolutionary to his character (his ‟character‟– his role as well) in of itself and requires some canon divergence to justify it#and it's INTENSELY interesting to imagine him getting there#Imagine: An Ding is cruel. It is cruel and inefficient and its cruelties only make it more so. Sqh is ‟awarded‟ with the role of Peak Lord#of An Ding (this crown of barbed wire). And sqh doesn't MEAN to change the plot but– it's awful here! It's so awful that it's OFFENSIVE#and before sqh knows it two years have passed and An Ding is a mess of growing pains: of infrastructure torn down and rebuilt#but it's... better. It's hard work. It undeniably sucks and makes sqh cry from frustration all the time! Balancing the fixing of all the#shit his shizun left broken while staying on top of his usual duties is a procession of sleepless nights and little pains. (perhaps sqh has#growing pains too. change is hard for all that it's necessary.)#and then– and THEN! He's on his way to a trade meeting or spying for mbj or something else: it's doesn't matter.#And however the stage is set sqh dies and– sqh's life is finally starting to NOT suck! yqy has been asking for his future plans and sqh has#been answering. qqq found a scrap of a picture book he wrote when he was a senior disciple and demanded he finish it because it#‟had potential to increase literacy‟! He has a second command that he trusts won't stab him at the slightest provocation! His life is busy#and more than a little hellish but it's HIS. He's changed things even he didn't mean to.#An Ding's HIS. he got rid of the assholes and poured so much WORK into the people left and then the people who came later.#All of it boils down to this: it's unfair. it's too soon. it wasn't supposed to happen like this.#and so sqh dies for the second time and screams himself back to existence if not life.#the system cracking beneath his teeth– puppeteer turned to power for the puppet to consume.#(So there is a ghost on An Ding for all that only the ghost knows it.)
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Sorry for vanishing guys. I'm still alive, just... taking a break from social media. My mental health has not been kind to me these past few months, and I found that I... Just haven't been able to reblog and do things like I used to on here. Not to mention college. College has been eating up a lot of my time.
I don't know why things are like this for me, but like this they are. I keep telling myself I'll come back one of these days, but so far nothing has stuck.
So yeah. TL;DR: I'm still alive, just gone dormant. I hope to be back one day for real though. When? I do not know. But someday.
#she speaks#life update#even just writing this up#and tagging it#is taking up energy#I feel so damn unmotivated writing wise#stresses of life getting to me I suppose#and just poking around my dash on here#just makes me feel worse#so I haven't been on here#I'm okay though#just...going through the motions I suppose#nobody's fault#I want to write again...#...But I suppose I need rest first#don't I?
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My therapist told me today that I'm one of her patients who's made the most progress in the last two years and honestly I have a feeling I'm getting a good grade at therapy
#which is ofc something real and achievable#but fr fr tho I'm so proud of my progress 🥲 I think most ppl don't really acknowledge how much therapy is actually hard#like exposing yourself. being vulnerable. opening up about your fears and insecurities and really shameful things#and being open to try a new perspective and actually going through the motions of putting yourself out there#putting things to the test and feeling wrong and having your body react like a prey animal the whole time#and still push through and keep trying again and again until your brain finally assimilates that this is you now#this is how you want to think and live your life now and you're not gonna have it any other way#it's hard and you don't do it perfectly and you go back to your sessions and you try again#there's hard truths we have to admit about ourselves there that we aren't always ready for#but you just keep going and things do eventually change#even though sometimes it feels like a painfully slow process#and idk just hearing her tell me that she sees me. that she sees how hard I'm trying. man. it's. im not gonna cry#sleep.txt#it's been real. fr fr
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rejected invites 4 different times this halloween i love this life
#i just don't think i like going out anymore#the getting ready and the drinking and talking to people about what's new in my life and listening to music i don't know or like.#it just feel like going through the motions. maybe it's good to go through those motions but i just don't want to#it'll have long term consequences but rn i am sleepy and happy i don't have to be in the world :)#shut up hanna
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Look, I've spent my entire adult life advocating for voting as harm reduction, that candidates will never be perfect and most democrats are really just centrists who we have to scream at to get them to do damn near anything, but that's still preferable to the outright violence of the republican party. I get the point of voting as not the only step but the first step. But. But. But is in the middle of a genocide really the time to be hollering in people's faces about how they cannot vote third party in this coming presidential election? About how they *have* to vote for Biden, because at least he's not Trump? There is a time and place for the discussion about avoiding putting a dictator in the Whitehouse when we have a broken two party system where the electoral college does not adequately represent the will of the people. I would politely argue that time and place is *not* in the middle of the sitting president endlessly doubling down on supporting an active genocide. People have the right to be furious with the democratic party. People have the right to not trust the democratic party, or agree about them being "the better of two evils." The Clinton administration escalated the War on Drugs, gave us the deeply anti-Black "super predator" concept, and are the origins of today's ICE and the deterrence strategy that has led thousands of migrants to die in the desert. The Obama administration broke records when it came to drone strikes over Syria and when it came to deportations. Continuously using the threat of the Republican party as a stick to pressure folks into voting Democrat grows less and less effective every time the Democratic party makes concessions that move it farther center. Which they have been doing since the Reagan administration as a strategy to capture centrists and maintain power. The Biden administration has done good on a number of policy fronts. But it's also caved to pressure to end the public health emergency, ended eviction moratoriums and been slow on a number of fronts to address people's rising unrest at the soaring costs of inflation. Our current Congress has been a shitshow rife with in-fighting that has stalled out key policies, and yes, has seen Democrats make concessions to Republican extremists in ways that weaken bills that could have gone farther in providing relief and boosting our failing infrastructure. Then we hit October, and the US federal government throws its weight behind a genocide, ignoring the swelling outcry and condemnation from its citizens. The US government is continuing to fund Israel's genocide of Palestine and federal staffers are having to walk out on the goddamn job to get their bosses to acknowledge the calls coming through. Biden has been caught multiple times spreading misinformation regarding the genocide in Palestine. Representative Rashida Tlaib, the one Palestinian American in Congress, has been censured for daring to speak up on behalf of her constituents and condemn this violence. Funders of the democratic party are angling to force out Progressive members of the party like Rashida Tlaib, Cori Bush, Ilhan Omar, and others in the upcoming elections. Hollering at people to "Vote Blue no matter who" right now is profoundly callous and ill timed. It is also a remarkably ineffective strategy to try and ensure we don't have a red wave in the coming election. This is not a matter of "holding your nose and voting" this time. There is a 12,000 person body count in the last month. Americans are watching live on Twitter as Palestinians are slaughtered with our tax dollars. We are witnessing a Democratically controlled government still choose to fund imperialism over feeding, clothing, and housing its citizens. I beg you to consider how callous you sound throwing a fit about folks who no longer see supporting the democratic party as a valid strategy to fight Republican conservatism as we witness three genocides at once.
#time and place#I'm honestly furious at the number of people hollering about voting right now#and I *work* in public policy#We can't even get a fucking cease fire motion to go through and you're pushing on *voting* right now?#Democrats are not *owed* our votes for the sheer grace of not being Republicans#and I say this as a disabled queer who's lived my whole life in TX and MO#I know how bad a historically red state can fucking get#Don't you use that shit as a stick against me#Especially when so many democrats are pulling the “why don't you move?” shit to trans people here#“Why doesn't the Democratic party grow a goddamn moral backbone and stop breadcrumbing human rights?”#US politics
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