#treating tumblr as my personal diary again bc WHY NOT

[lilhawkens]

gotta love the juxtaposition of

oh my god i am so fatigued what if my baseline has shifted to this whatever will i do i don't wanna live like this

AND

there's nothing wrong with me i am faking everything and i am just a horrible person and my labs are gonna confirm it oh NO

in my brain bc WHAT

[comfortunit]

literally just found you today thru those rants and 100%. ive talked about it with friends but we keep it to ourselves bc fandombrained people are so vitriolic & reactionary but you get it. fandoms as they are now are simply a function of capitalism and i wouldnt even say most are fans of the media they say they are but of the roving dudeslash fandom who NEED to see characters forced into their static cookiecutter trope pairing/mirroring themselves and fuckin or theyll die. fandoms in general also tend to be a cesspit of racism & terrible attitudes towards sex work despite their fascination with/fetishization of both race and sex work in general and its like the smaller the fandom is the more of a toxic microcosm of let people haaaaave funnnnn it becomes (idk why i wrote this i was just super surprised to see another mbd fan who was also a sex worker, hiii same hat i am waving to you from across the street)

i went off about this in a mutual's personal server even more than i posted/ranted about here on tumblr because it really pisses me off, especially when you visit low-rating reviews of any mbd book, extra especially fugitive telemetry (like "how Dare this author whose work i love give me a novella after a full-length novel release?!" it's so fucking ungrateful! and it demonstrates such a disgusting lack of basic reading comprehension).

here's one review i saw posted the month i picked up the book and happened to be using goodreads to track my progress at the time, for example:

out of ideas?! it's one of the more tonally different stories in the series. when i finished the book for myself, i came back to this review and i just did not know how someone could ever say something like this. did we even read the same book?! is she "out of ideas" or did she give people another short-form story that was packed with concise and exacting language, tackling a multifaceted web of brand new interactions that make murderbot's personhood that much more dimensional, and they turned their nose up at it because "ugh 🙄 why can't we just have more full-length novels full of stuff that i can pretend is evidence of my fantasy OTP ship being canon"? the idea that a story is "low-effort" to "produce" simply because it's short is such a fucking insult to writers who know anything about writing, especially short-form masters like martha wells. these books are raw concentrated emotion.

to use a food comparison, because i've been getting emotional about the bear recently, it's like comparing a family/holiday feast to an 8-course meal from a star-ranked restaurant. they are both incredibly valuable, in different ways. the novellas are basically 'the perfect bite', they are incredibly well-written, they're rounded stories about rounded characters. intricate, delicate, plated to perfection, and at the end you realize that you've had enough of these small courses (chapters) that it's like. wow, you realize how fulfilled you are; every 'level' engaged is maxed out... and a feast made to feed an entire family like the full-length novel(s) (since the next book is a full-length novel, too) is hearty, it's quantity from a quality-minded author, it's nourishing, it's fulfilling, it's going to get a lot of mileage from every character included. these are different experiences prepared by the same chef. trust that she's going to treat you well. you know?

but you don't let diners into the kitchen to make changes to the food everyone else is going to eat. i might be going a little far with the metaphor but i swear to fucking god if tor.com does the fanservice shit to mbd i'm going to lose my fucking mind.

but again. i have faith in martha wells, i have hope and i know she would never do that to us.

edit: oh my god where are my manners HI FELLOW SEX WORKER WHO LOVES THE MUDERBOT DIARIES! THANK YOU! HOPE YOU ARE HAVING A WONDERFUL DAY!

[mt07131]

*cracks knuckIes*

katrina, pIs:

1, 2, 5, 12, 13, 16, 48, 49

Katarinaaaaa my beloved bitchy warlock. One of these days the campaign she's SUPPOSED to be in is gonna start but until then I have my own vivid imagination and tumblr. Answers under the cut bc I'm gonna ramble I know it

Ask me detailed questions about my OCs

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

So her full name is Katarina Petrova. I'm gonna be honest, I chose it completely randomly, like with a random name generator and it stuck. I made her quite a few years ago and it wasn't until recently that I was informed by a friend that there is a character with a very similar name from the vampire diaries (which I've never watched) but it's too late now bc I got attached to it <3. The name "Katarina" specifically means "pure", which is fitting giving her story, and the last name was random

2. Do they have any titles? How did they get them?

As of right now, she doesn't have any titles. That might change once the campaign starts up and I actually get to develop her beyond her backstory, but for now there's nothing

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults?

OH BOY DOES SHE. Okay so, she had a younger brother named Dimitri. He was born when she was 10 and due to their parents' "job", she basically raised him all on her own. This made them extremely close, and frankly he was the only one in her family that she truly cared about. I can't talk on their relationship as kids vs adults because,,,, well,,,, he kinda died (or she at least assumes he did) the same day she got her pact (and y'know, she was supposed to die to but didn't <3 the horrors are unrelenting but so is she)

12. What is their favourite food?

So I don't have anything specific for this, however I would say it would be some sort of fish dish. She grew up in a fishing village, so that was obviously a prevalent part of what she ate, so I imagine that would be somewhere present

13. What is their least favourite food?

Again, a more general answer since this isn't something I've fleshed out, but I'd say she doesn't love anything sweet. I think sweets were always used by her parents to kind of brush away them being gone for so long, but she's bitter about that so instead of seeing it as a treat/reward, it's just a reminder

16. Do they collect anything? What do they do with it? Where do they keep it?

So the collection is small right now (i.e., she has one), but she is planning to collect the medallions that belong to the members of the cult that her parents were secretly a part of and that subsequently ruined her life. She only has one right now as a lead to finding members of this cult, but she uses it as iconography to track them. She keeps it in a small pouch at her side, and it essentially never leaves her because it's the ONLY lead she has

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend?

She does not enjoy parties, she really doesn't enjoy people. She's more of,,,, they're a means to an end type of person. If she HAD to go to some kind of party, she would probably just turn up and stand in the corner and brood and glare at people. Basically the biggest "do not fucking talk to me" vibes she can muster, she's giving them off

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?

So I've already talked about the cult medallion, that sort of always stays with her. In a more sentimental way, however, she has a fishing lure that Dimitri made her when he was younger. She pretty much cut herself off from her previous life after making the pact/his death, so this lure is really all she has left of him

[mothmage]

oversharing about my mental health bc i treat tumblr as my personal diary xoxo

i’m pretty sure ive been in a hypomanic episode for a Minute now, and i wasnt sure before bc i don’t think ive ever had hypomania before only mania? i think my new medications are working for once in my whole life bc for the past like. six months maybe? ive been So Normal and in the past few weeks i’ve definitely been on the up and up but it hasnt crossed into full mania, it’s literally just like. me but with energy and a little stupider than usual. and i understand how this can be disabling for some people, but considering that mania (for me) usually looks like weeks of deep psychosis, this shit is EXCELLENT. like yes im more reckless and hypersexual and wanting to spend all kinds of money and all that, but i also feel like im able t “moderate” that a little better because i had so many years of seemingly medication-proof manic episodes? i had to like, adapt lol. so i have some systems set in place to keep me from being too stupid especially with money. but like, i have all the energy of a manic episode and all the drive to Do Things with none of the “hearing the voice of god” or “im someone else and i stole this body and now am stuck in it”. like this shit rocks, i’ve gotten so much done! and i understand that there will be a comedown and it will suck or whatever but while im here?? like again i understand why this isnt a Good state of mind and i dont mean to invalidate anyone’s experience, but i think im just like. well if my mood disorder is going to disorder my moods regardless of what pills i take, i would much prefer it to sort of lessen the extent !! hypomania! and the only time i was on meds that worked 100% and got rid of any episodes entirely i got bored (lol) and got off of them (guy w the “stop taking my meds disorder”: hey what if i stopped taking my meds) so i think this is a good middle ground bc it’s like, life is still fun and exciting and doesnt feel static, but i also dont think im in danger of getting myself locked up lol or like, humiliating myself online or something (tumblr doesnt count bc it’s Faceless)

also probably the best time ever for this to happen bc im getting rejection letter after rejection letter from phd programs i applied to and im literally like “well it will all work out, like everything works out in the end one way or another” :) and i believe that! not necessarily that everything happens for a reason, but everything works out in the end one way or another

[persephonegay]

Huh.... did I ever post about me getting accepted to uni?

[grlfriends]

revolutionary girl utena review

ep 1-5

the plot is actually kinda different from what I thought ?? in my mind the plot was: utena was a girl in a princess school who each and every princess would be "conquered" (for a lack of better words rn) in a ceremonial duel by a prince who fancied them, maybe she didnt wanna wanna marry anyone or she liked Anthy already but anyway in my mind utena showed up in the ceremony with duel clothing and then, in a very brave tm like-scene, she would openly declare she refused to be conquered by anyone and tbh I'm not even sure how Anthy would come into the plot... but back into what actually happened in the episodes everything so far is very introductory and just showing what mechanics will be explored further down the line I think?? the op is really good too

also every boy so far reminds me so much of knights of the zodiac?? maybe it's just the design I guess...) and nanami can get these hands, jealousy is a disease and she's the sickest person on earth for all I know

dont ask me why bit I just feel like room of mirrors - gfriend has a very well fitting vibe for it but I'm not exactly sure why hm.... 🤔🤔

ep 6-12

ok so why does this school just have random animals around 😐 I could understand the horse but a bull and a kangaroo?? what ...

touga just says the most random dramatic things and then just casually says anyone who believes in friendship is a fool ?? the guy wouldnt last a day in the naruto universe tbh, he kinda irks me in some way but I'm not sure why so I'll live with this strange feeling for a while I guess

↳ okay so watching ep 10 made me especially kinda creeped out, I know I've watched only 10 eps so far but like can he fall downstairs and break a neck or something already ...

also haha what if I watched that bet on it fmv and gave myself a bunch of spoilers would that be funny or what 😍 this is why i cant have nice things yall.... hope my memory goes to shit when sleep so I dont remember about it this week while I finish it

I feel like the main thing on the episodes are parallels, one way or another I always feel like they're setting up parallels and giving me clues for a bigger picture and a deeper plot arc that is still to come and the bet on it fmv just made this impression stronger, also I wanna say it's done in a good way, one that is both mysterious (??) and "honey you've got a big storm coming" at the same time 🤔🤔 much to think about honestly

↳ just saw ep 11 and even though I already knew this was coming sooner or later it still felt like crap seeing utena lose to dick head, at the end of the episode when he says anthy was always just reflecting utena's own wishes for himemiya (in another way bc I dont remenber the exact words) it felt like 😐 bc yes I knew that (the way she was working her thoughts was simply a copy and paste of what utena was saying) at all time I kept those essays about anthy in my head, I dont think theyll be truly relatable to what I'm seeing rn but yeah anthy rights (even though I know you betray/cheat on utena down the line bc of the bet on it fmv but I'm sure you had your own motivation)

↳ saw ep 12 bc I just couldnt handle being in a cliffhanger and yeah it happened what I absolutely thought it would lmao not that it was that difficult to foresee but yeah, I kinda liked how utena did it for her instead of being like "oh I wanna save anthy from touga" and treating her like a damsel in distress (I know that's kinda her position as the rose bride for what I've been told so far and that this is a subject spoken about in many many essays on tumblr but yeah) bc so far she's been treated as a trophy and a way to get something else, for the green haired guy it was a way to see something eternal, for miki it was a way to hold on into his "shining thing" and for touga it seems (so far) like a way to manipulate (just like he does with nanami) and just mark his position as above everyone else as he seems to view himself?? man I might be saying random stuff rn but it kinda does makes sense in my mind with the information I've had to this point

ep 13-25

honestly 😐😐 through 9 whole episodes I felt like they were trying to make the side characters deeper and show their hidden face and motivations but it felt so shallow...... not even actually shallow, just not deep enough that it would make me care about these characters and the fact there was no actual build to showing us why we're getting to know these characters backgrounds was just kinda meh too, didnt really help that all episodes had all the same formula and the same timing just for the developers made in those episodes be forgotten at the end and also just that pink haired guy could be like "ah failure again", it felt like watching the same episode over and over again, it was really tiring and like?? girl help I do not care about these characters at all, I feel like it could have been done well (like the keiko ep in comparison to the furuba chapter that deals with the yuki appreciation (??) club president graduating.... the way this ep was done and setup didn't really bring me any emotions) overall not to my taste and tbh I feel like I could have skipped all those episodes except for maybe the miki and juri one so 😑

all nanami focused episodes are the worst so far, she's so boring and I cant stand now annoying she is, the diary episode?? the cow episode?? the episode when tsuwabiki fuels with utena?? honestly I know they're trying to show me a better and different side of her but it just doesnt!! work!! bc i feel no sympathy for her, my biggest wish rn is her and touga just disappearing and no more filler episodes🗣🗣

I thought akio was utena's prince?? but apparently he's just anthy's brother and like.. I'm do done with his little talks with utena and yadda yadda, I just wanna see their duel is that too much to ask I'm dying over here (if this lenga lenga continues until ep 25 i will be so mad bc why were so many episodes wasted on such boring and and not necessary side characters backstories?? idc about them at all man aaaaaaaaaa)

↳ ep 25 was good finally we got what we deserve boys 😭😭😭😭😭 can utena just beat up akio already I'm tired of his ass, he exhales both "I'm a feminist I even take women studies classes #herstory" and "if she breathes she's a thot" energy also he has 0 style that mullet is simply horrible I bet there's a hairstylist community who considers him a criminal bc like 😐 it is simply so bad (q bit less when it's tied up but when it's all lose jesus Christ)

also touga thinks he's suuuuch a genius, sooo smart like king, I do not care about you at all can you shut the fuck up please and can we tall about the pink haired guy episode?? wack. honestly thought it would be more emotional or something, I binge watched 12 episodes with his ugly haircut face and did not even feel a thing he can choke I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANTHY TAKING A SWORD OUT OF UTENA'S CHEST??? OSCAR WORTHY KINGS❗❗❗and then her lame ass brother being like "oh ho ho idk idk" shut up no one cares no one cares I swear to you no one cares shut uuuuup

ep 25-39

first of all, ep 25 was good but kinda reminded me of the nine episodes (13 until 21) where absolutely nothing interesting happened so I hope I'm wrong also can I just say just seeing the preview of the next episode made me roll my eyes so bad I almsot saw my brain?? bc yeah I'm fucking tired of nanami fosuced episodes she's so annoying oh my god nobody cares about a goddamn egg and much less one coming from her let her die or something pls she's so annoying there's nothing I've learned about her that was not against my own will I'm basically rotting over here 🤒

↳ ep 30 has me thinking Akio has a foot fetish or something 😐 bruh leave utena aloooooone I already know your plans and schemes you're not fooling anyone that's embarrassing for u and also... utena you're not very bright are you.... you start seeing every duelist you face with the same exact car and then when you see akio has the same car you didnt even stop to think about it that 1+1 equals 2 ... girl help yourself 😐

↳ yet again another nanami focused ep 😐😐😐😐😐 even though I do understand her better now I still don't find her particularly enjoyable to watch, call me a woman hater but like. idk she's still a bit annoying to me (but touga is straight up evil and is manipulating her so I feel bad for feeling like that tho.....)

↳ ok last 2 eps to go but listen. I thought the akio duel would have happened much sooner, maybe on ep 33 max but well didn't this age well lmao ngl, it did seem a bit too slow paced for my personal taste but also I feel like there's a certain level of drama that comes with slowing the pace down....

↳ aaaaaa yall I'm kinda 😢😭 over the ending omg........... even though it took the best of me to keep going in some parts I still enjoyed the ending aaaaa I thought i wouldnt really like it bc I just usually dont enjoy this type of ending but stil 😢😢😢😢 wait for me utena 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 girl I cried and then anthy walking in the end god utena and anthy holding hands 😭😭😭😭 akio can suck my dick

there's obviously many things I've missed or that I kinda didnt really pay attendance to so please dont take this serious, I was just writing as I watched the episodes so it's more like a thought compilation than anything, still I can see why there's many essays written about it and why it is held as a masterpiece by so many people

[occasionalfics]

hi so i haven’t made any real posts in a while bc i haven’t really been writing that much but i wanted to just post SOMETHING for y’all to interact with

anyway, if you don’t know, i have a youtube channel and i’ve been watching (almost) every movie that chris evans is in because i love him and reviewing them for my channel and i thought i’d give a rundown of the movies i’ve seen so far (including ones i haven’t rewatched for the channel yet because i’m not gonna link to the videos - if you really want to watch, message me) so maybe you could decide which ones are worth your time and/or money 😂

for this, i’ll give a brief description, my general thoughts, and a score from 1-10 (1 being unwatchable and 10 being PEAK cinema)

i’m keeping things very light on spoilers, meaning there might be one or two overall but not for every movie.

so here we go:

The Newcomers (2000) - some indie movie with no theatrical release about a family that moves from boston to vermont because of money troubles. chris is in it for like 5 minutes and he’s honestly the second best part (second to a dog only). 3/10, mostly boring but not offensive.

Not Another Teen Movie (2001) - i feel like everyone has seen this. it’s a spoof of 80′s and 90′s teen movies (namely she’s all that and cruel intentions). chris plays the main love interest and he’s definitely funny enough to pull off the part but it’s not really my thing. 4/10.

The Perfect Score (2004) - this is the first time chris and sc*rj* worked together. 6 high school kids fail the SATs so instead of retaking them, they sneak into a government building and steal the answers. it’s an mtv movie and it’s...fine? not great, not special, but...very early aughts mtv for sure. 4/10

Cellular (2004) - an action flick where chris plays a regular dude who gets a call from a woman who’s been kidnapped, and then has to keep communications up with her in order to save her and take down some corrupt cops. surprisingly funny, i had a great time watching, would recommend! 7/10

Fierce People (2005) - i think this was another indie movie without a theatrical release. based on a book that, from the reviews of both, is identical, i think because the author of the book was also the screenplay writer. and that’s probably why this movie sucked. bby anton yelchin (rip) gets caught scoring drugs for his mom, and because she has connections to this super rich dude, they end up going to live in new jersey with his weirdass family instead of bby anton going to jail. chris’s character is not who you think he is. content warnings for drugs, rape, and murder. overall boring, not what it thinks it is, 4/10

Fantastic Four (2005) - okay everyone’s seen these. i actually hate both of these FF movies, but chris as johnny storm is the only shinning light in either. reed is the WORST and sue is treated like eye candy. 4/10 for johnny storm alone.

London (2005) - literally the worst movie i have ever seen. i hate london. also an indie movie, very misogynistic, very pretentious and self-important. lonely emo boy does drugs with random people in a bathroom at a party he was not invited to INTENTIONALLY, in the hopes that he will win over his ex girlfriend, who he repeatedly emotionally abused while they were together, even though the party is literally in honor of her moving across the country. and she didn’t want him there. please never, ever bother watching london and talking about it online - fuckbois will attempt to tell you that you know nothing repeatedly. 1/10, worst film ever made.

TMNT (2007) - does this need an introduction? chris plays casey, but the movie’s really about the turtles. honestly the writing kind of relies on you knowing a lot about the turtle lore and overall it’s a boring but ultimately harmless film. it’s just really not worth your time. 2/10

Sunshine (2007) - ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN, I HAVE NOT  STOPPED THINKING ABOUT SUNSHINE IN OVER A YEAR. 8 astronauts are on a mission to ignite a nuclear bomb into the dying heart of our sun. but it’s a space film so shit goes wrong and, one by one, they start dying. very tense, very sad. the biggest complaint all around is that the first 2/3s of the movie are one genre and the last 3rd is a completely different movie, and yet it’s STILL amazing. please watch (if you can handle a space thriller)! 8/10

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007) - a very bad follow up to a very bad origin movie. not even andre braugher could save this one. reed is really mean to johnny for no reason and i hate his guts. 3/10

The Nanny Diaries (2007) - second time appearing alongside sc*rj*. she’s the main character. an anthropology student takes on a nannying job for an upperclass family in new york, but the job ends up being more than she bargained for. chris plays harvard hottie, her upstairs neighbor who is THE BEST BOY. i loved this movie. 8/10

Battle for Terra (2007) - a very weird but very good animated movie about humans attempting to colonize an alien planet because we were stupid enough to destroy earth, venus, and mars. lots of big names on the cast list for a movie that not many people saw, but it goes ham in the “fuck colonizers” theme. overall, a surprising joy. 6.5/10

Street Kings (2008) - well this was directed by david ayer so my friend and i went into this with very low expectations and it didn’t even meet that bar. keanu reeves plays a sad and angry corrupt cop who almost kind of gets framed for killing another cop, and then spends a good chunk of the runtime just hunting down other corrupt cops without doing anything about his own corruption. it’s copaganda, but very bad copaganda. also chris dies. fuck this movie, don’t waste your time. this is another one where the fanboys will come for you if you say a bad thing about it on the internet, 2/10

The Loss of a Teardrop Diamond (2008) - another indie that apparently caught the eye of kevin fiege? i don’t really know why because chris’s character is very bland and the movie overall is nothing special. tennessee williams wrote the screenplay before he died in the 80′s and then this was made and nothing about it was changed. it’s basically straight people in the 20′s in the south being weird and rude. a rich girl pays a hot poor boy to escort her to parties after a huge scandal was caused by her father. she loves the poor boy but he doesn’t return the feelings and everyone’s sad, dying, or mean. skip it, honestly. 4/10

Push (2009) - honestly, an underrated movie that so often gets shit on because of x-men. push is so good! a telekinetic man meets a young girl who can see the future, who tells him that if he helps her find her mom, they’ll also come into $6 million. they run into his ex and the government department trying to control people with powers, and shit ensues. chris’s chemistry with dakota fanning as big brother/little sister is adorable and i need more people to talk about it. 8/10, very worth your time.

The Losers (2010) - apparently went up against some other star-studded action flick with a similar plot at the time of release and suffered for it, but other than that, this is a fun romp with lots of character. a team of militiamen are framed for an international scandal and forced to go underground until a mysterious woman helps them exact revenge on the billionaire who framed them so they can go back to their families. chris plays one of the secondary characters and he’s PERFECT. best character in the whole movie! you’ve probably seen the “don’t stop believing”/”lethal killing machine” scene around tumblr before - that’s just how his character is the whole movie and it’s great. definitely recommend! 7/10

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (2010) - we’ve all seen it. lucas lee is the best. there are lots of problems in the word choice and some of the moral quandaries but overall, an enjoyable ode to videogames and comic books. 6.5/10

Puncture (2011) - once again, an indie film with very little theatrical release. WHOOOH though. this movie. SO GOOD! two personal injury lawyers take on a case when a nurse is accidentally pricked on the job and contracts AIDS. they take on a huge pharmaceutical supply company in the hopes of manufacturing and creating a legal standard for using safety needles to protect frontline medical workers, all while chris’s character is dealing with being an addict. based on a true story, honestly   one of chris’s best performances (and that’s across the board). you can  rent it cheap from youtube and it’s totally worth it. 7.5/10

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) - i mean. it’s cap. honestly this movie feels a little long even though it’s not. overall it’s a good, enjoyable movie and watching it all the way through reminded me of why bucky was so important. 7/10

What's Your Number? (2011) - okay honestly i love this movie? a woman is slutshamed by her sister’s friends and then embarks on a journey through her past relationships to find her soulmate, only to realize that it doesn’t matter how many men she’s slept with because the right one really won’t give a damn and neither should she. everyone’s seen naked collin around tumblr. he’s a good boy. mostly. 7/10

The Avengers (2012) - so i can appreciate that this was like THE event movie of the summer of 2012 but it is LONG and there’s still so much spy shit i don’t understand. my friends and i also think that j*ss wh*d*n oversimplifies most of the characters, and ultimately the writing isn’t super strong. the performances are, for sure, but it’s still not as great of a movie as i thought it was when i was a senior in high school. 7/10

The Iceman (2012) - also an indie? based on a true story. a man (played by michael shannon) is recruited by the mob to be a hitman, and then something happens where they don’t want to pay him or something, so he starts doing a shady job with another hitman (played by chris) to support his family. overall it’s a boring film but michael and chris were both really good! watch it if you like dark mob movies, michael shannon, or winona ryder. 3/10

Snowpiercer (2013) - this movie, no pun intended, is a RIDE. poor people at the back of a train containing the last living human beings revolt against the bourgeoise. everyone’s dirty and tired and hungry. weird shit happens, but ultimately, this was SO worth the watch (and the money i spent on the blu-ray)!  7/10

Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014) - still my favorite cap movie. excellent characterization, maybe the only time i cared about natasha. the plot should be an avengers movie given that shield is a team concern, but i will stand by the winter soldier aspect of this movie til i die. 8/10

Before We Go (2014) - an indie movie that chris directed (his directorial debut)! it’s...cute, i guess. it’s not harmful in any way, but also not special in any way. flustered woman misses her train, cute musician in the station offers to help her navigate NYC. they talk about feelings and their pasts and what they’re running from and toward. it’s fine. 6/10

Playing It Cool (2014) - indie? i don’t know?? screenplay writer (chris) wants to write action films but keeps getting hired to write romcoms, then he finds himself IN a romcom. it’s okay. some people think it’s terribly misogynistic which i didn’t find it to be, but it’s also just...kinda bland. 4/10

Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) - my least favorite avengers movie. i genuinely hate how ultron was handled and this movie has never once made me sympathize with the maximoffs. except for when steve defends their choice to allow experimentation to be done so they could defend their country. uh the party at the beginning is the best part, full stop. 3/10

Captain America: Civil War (2016) - this isn’t a cap film. he has no character growth. this is an avengers film at best. i also take issue with how much of this movie is really just two movies forced into one. bucky gets the short end of the deal in the overall mcu and this is really where that starts. 5/10

Gifted (2017) - PLEASE. WATCH. GIFTED. a former philosophy professor gives up his career to raise his niece, but when his mother attempts to gain custody, he has to fight for the person he loves most in the world. one of the most heartfelt, genuine movies ever. chris and mckenna grace have SUCH good chemistry. bonus octavia spencer (also in snowpiercer). 10/10

Avengers: Infinity War (2018) - probably my favorite avengers movie. great stakes. amazing acting. THE BEARD!!! 8/10

Knives Out (2019) - WHOOO BITCH. TOP TIER. ransom drysdale could do whatever he wants to me and normally, i don’t “date” villains. 9/10

Endgame (2019) - the lesser infinity war. i’m not a fan of time jumps and also hate fatphobia. thor was mistreated and i can’t forgive that.

[hcrsegirl]

╰☆╮MUSE 46 — wait, is that cerise “reese” du pont? is it just me or does the twenty-one year-old look exactly like abigail cowen? last i heard, they still weren’t over being exposed by the sentinel. according to the app, they can be credulous & turbulent, but i’ve also heard they're intrepid & audacious. can’t be too sure, people have a way of surprising you. all i know is that they remind me of vape scented smoke appearing in the middle of lecture , filming viral tik tok’s in public , the brushing down of a horse , forgetting a pencil but remembering to bring the juul to class & drinking homemade moonshine for barbie movie drinking games. honestly, the broadcast communications major should try to keep their head down. after the events of last semester, i wouldn’t want to be in their shoes. ╰☆╮

wow hey hi hello!! i’m kaya and this is my lil crackhead, reese!! this got really long because i never know when to shut up but if you want to plot pls hit me up here on tumblr or on discord at medieval 4loko gang#5402

P A R A L L E L S

gigi ( booksmart ) , keanu reeves ( always be my maybe ) , serena van der woodsen ( gossip girl ) , kirby anders ( dynasty )

T R O P E S

hard-drinking party girl , cloudcuckoolander , the trickster , upper-class equestrian , fleeting passionate hobbies , naive animal lover , fearless fool , playing with fire , parental neglect , fantasy-forbidding father

S U M M A R Y

born and raised in wilmington, delaware on the du pont family ranch, reese learned how to ride and compete on her family’s thoroughbreds. she’s a seasoned equestrian who typically competed in eventing and throughout the years had accumulated a series of ribbons and trophies between dressage, cross-country, and show jumping. definitely was a horse girl growing up and tbh still is???? definitely not the type to eat grass anymore BUT if given the chance she will not shut up about them.

a veterinarian before marrying into the du pont family, reese’s mother had their ranch doubling as both a home and veterinary clinic where the kids would help with the animals and keep them company. this caused reese to develop a soft spot for them, one that contributed to her going vegetarian at the age of 12 and eventually vegan at 15. it was also this love of animals that led her to wanting to help the environment they lived in and so her parents put her in girl scouts and eventually her love for the outdoors would cause her to join steinhardt’s outing club.

while her mother, eleanor, also helps out with the du pont family business of breeding thoroughbreds as well as run her clinic, her father, pierre, is a chairman of dupont, a conglomerate who got its start in the black powder market before expanding into chemicals for agriculture, materials science, and specialty products.

he was the type to have HIGH expectations for his family, expectations that reese never met. not that she cared to. definitely not a daddy’s girl, she’ll be the first one to call her father out for being a pompous douche straight to his face. probably quoted this to her father during a thanksgiving toast of “what are we thankful for this year”.

the black sheep of her family, even at a young age she could be found stirring up some trouble and almost always dragging one of her siblings or cousins along with her. a rebellious child who didn’t like being put into a box, she lived in a fantasy world of whimsy, often playing make-believe much to her father’s chagrin. she believed in all things fantastical from fairies to mermaids and while pierre tried to stifle those thoughts, they stubbornly remained.

even through her teenage years she’s held onto the firm belief that barbie lore is real. no one knows if she actually believes that or if it’s all of the drugs and her love for the movies getting to her head, but when confronted about it she will always be adamant that it’s a legitimate form of history.

speaking of history, her concept of it is slightly skewed?? def has weird beliefs of what communists are?? like you’re an android user??? suddenly she thinks you’re a communist????

tbh you could probably tell her something about anything and she’ll believe you without a hint of doubt. research?? she dunno her!! you could say the moon is a government con-job and she’d think it’s a fact??? super gullible and it’s a mess

i guess now would be a good time to preface that she’s dumb. stupid. an idiot. the list goes on but when i say she’s lacking brain cells… i mean it. the definition of head empty, she probably has a bunch of rocks where her brain should be sdfgh. but really, she can be innovative when she wants to be but academically she just doesn’t care to do well. in high school she ditched classes more often than not and was probably the kid smoking under the bleachers.

but where she lacks in intelligence she makes up for in brawn??? def the brawn over brains type who was a jock in high school. competed for her school’s equestrian team but also was on the fencing and archery teams. she once begged to be put into archery lessons after seeing the princess diaries 2 and fencing just came along not too soon after. she also used to run track and play soccer but those two sports ended after her senior year of high school although she probably still plays for the steinhardt’s intermurral league as well as any athletic competitions her sorority, tri-zeta ( zeta zeta zeta ) enters.

definitely the jack of all trades type except she’s passable at a whole bunch of things but good at none of them. probably can change a tire but it’ll need to be changed again soon. can bake a cake but it’ll be a little dry. the list goes on. she’s just very curious and picks up a lot of things but gets bored of them easily so she changes to the next thing.

okay i know i said she could bake a cake but she really…can’t. like with supervision she probably could but she’s impulsive and following directions for that many ingredients??? impossible. she just gets tempted to toss everything into a bowl and wing it and she does that every time. she can however make rice krispy treats. especially if they’re suppose to be edibles dfghj. but ya, don’t ask her to cook bc she can. not.

a stoner and overall drug connoisseur, she’s probably most known for being that kid who forgets to bring their backpack to class but don’t worry!! she remembered her juul!! has a collection of juuls on her person at all times. definitely that party girl who shows up hungover to class whenever she did bother to show up.

calls herself an entrepreneur because she used to sell edibles and other drug-related things and definitely was that tweet where she would give discounts if you signed an environmental petition or went to a protest.

has never said no to a dare EVER. you name it and she’ll do it. and if you dare her to drink cow titty milk or eat a piece of meat she’ll do it but it just makes you a dick dfghj

gets bored easily and tends to lash out and do something chaotic because of it?? the type to spontaneously light a couch on fire because she felt like it. a mild pyromaniac who once learned how to make a molotov cocktail. she can’t do it well. at all. but the one time she did try was also the same day she realized what a dumpster fire looked like.

i’m also not saying she’s out here to ruin your life for her own whims but like home girl has ZERO boundaries for anything. if you want to say she was a homewrecker in a past relationship??? honestly full send because it probably was her. morally she’s chaotic neutral and doesn’t care to be good or evil, she just wants to live her life of chaos and whatever happens happens. it should also be noted that she’s selfish. she puts herself first and others second always.

god someone pls try to start a fight with her. she’d either pat you on the head and ignore you OR go feral and just…foam at the mouth and bite you. probably claims to have gingervitis which is where she like…sprays vegan whip cream into her mouth and just… attacks you. for fun.

WOW ALMOST FORGOT but she’s a big larper!!! loves to go to the ones that are historical-esque where she can be an elf ( because she has a collection of elf ear tips dfghjk ) and acts as a knight/ranger by using her ACTUAL fencing, archery, and equestrian skills. she learned sindarin ( elvish ) for this but also she’s a big lord of the rings fan in general so it just worked out. her character’s storyline is her acting as her cousin, taay’s, protector but she has been known to enroll in a few competitions regarding any of her three skills.

currently selling moonshine alongside her roommates of trap zeta ( also known as the residents of the moonshine & roses subplot ) and so if you saw her running around with stolen pressure cookers, that is why !! making your own alcohol is illegal, but selling it??? even worse so they only sell it to trusted customers and anyone vetted by their usual customers. they probably have secret passwords and shit just like the prohibition period.

speaking of trap zeta, with the exception of fraternities on greek row, they throw the biggest parties. their jungle juice??? fire AND strong but also, they keep it in like....these dispensing chugs with a key so the only ones with access to fill them up or trap zeta themselves. they also have a stripper pole ( or two ) around their living room so like...ya get lit, get twisted, go off ig.

let it be known that their sorority, tri-zeta, is actually known for their stellar amount of community service but after the residents of trap zeta moved in together their sophomore year, the rep for partying started to increase and that’s why the home of muse 46-50 is nicknamed trap zeta. reese has probably been sent to standards way too many times and only got in and is still in bc her mother is a very generous alumni of steinhardt’s chapter of tri-zeta. 

a broadcast communications major, she’s a social media intern for steinhardt’s barstool page but most importantly has a whole tik tok account alongside her roommates dedicated to their college antics. think the hype house except it’s not pg-13 dancing and rly just their crackhead, drunk antics. might eventually make a playlist of tik tok’s that are probably posted on their account, we’ll see.

okay so you know the whole exposing of secrets from last semester??? reese doesn’t usually get mad but rn she Big Mad. like not only are they be scrutinized by the dean but their sorority is too and suddenly tensions are high between tri-zeta bc if trap zeta gets caught they all suffer and their chapter will be shut down and it’ll be a whole ass mess. atm she suspects their customers and even their somewhat rivals, the drug dealers of the ludes plot, but does she suspect anyone from the house??? no not rly

you can find her  stats page here and a wc page here

you can also find her pinterest board here

i also have a reese playlist here and a trap zeta playlist here

[mellomadness]

using my tumblr as a diary again

sometimes one of my roommates and i have casual conversations about our childhood trauma, as you do. they’re extremely cathartic. being able to relate to someone besides my siblings about it is like, while one hand absolutely horrible but also…. it’s really nice. to just talk it out with someone who just. gets it.

and then i’ll listen to chords by the amazing devil and like. i desperately want to send it to my mom, not so that she can listen to it bc it’s nice (even though it’s a really pretty song) but so that she can listen to it and understand that this is me forgiving her. forgiving her for the way she treated me, forgiving her for her mistakes, accepting her as a human who makes those mistakes. seeing her as a fellow adult who still doesn’t know what she’s doing, who is still figuring herself out and understanding her own trauma.

but i don’t think she’d understand that that is the reason i’d send it. i think she’d think of it as me understanding her as a parent, because i basically raised my youngest sister. bc she saw me as her mother for the first 8 years of her life. and i don’t want my mom to think that’s why i’m sending her the song, why i think about her so much when i hear it. because I’m not trying to relate to her as a mother, i try not to ever do that because i know that i’m not, but because i understand her as my parent, as a flawed person who fucked up A Lot. as an person who didn’t know how to raise a kid, even though she did it 4 times essentially by herself.

i forgive you mom. i’ll have to keep forgiving you, probably until the day i die. and that’s okay, because you taught me that forgiveness is a process, a constant process, one that you’re going through with your parents. i think i understand that now, more than ever. i’m beginning to heal, and i can only hope that our separate journeys in this can meet someday and that we can have the relationship we want, not that it isn’t good now but. there’s a lot of buried shit. and i don’t want to keep treading on that tainted ground. one day we’ll step into the field and there won’t be secrets, horrible mistakes, or bad memories to taint the earth. one day, we’ll be there. and i wish i could tell you this in person, in a way that we’d both understand.

but i know you won’t. so i’ll keep playing the song and thinking of you. and i’ll say everything i want to tell you here, so i can at least pretend that one day you might come across this, and that you would just. get it.

[hatchibomitar]

trans ask: 1, 5, 6, 20, 32, 34

1. How did you choose your name?

so i read some advice that you should look on a bunch of baby name sites for inspiration aha..so i did! at first i was looking at all kinds of names, but i switched to just looking at K names after a while. 2 of my non-k top picks were Dustin and Finley which are both nice names but they dont fit me aha. i had been looking at Kato too and i think that was one of my top favs. so was Kalix. and this whole time i kept seeing like...cayden, kaden, caidden etc like 45 difffernt spellings of this name and i was like pff :/ that’s a lame name :/ who would want that name and then i saw Kaiden and i was like.........oh. so that’s where that name has been all my life. that’s perfect. that’s me

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?

i think i always knew something was different about me from the other kids, but i could not figure out what it was. and by always i mean...always. from when i first started having memories of being a human until high school. i’d always felt the way. it was really stereotypical things too hahaha... when i was 5, i threw a fucking FIT when i went to a private school for 2 years bc there was a uniform and it involved a skirt. and i was like....there is no way in Hell you can get me to wear that. and i was a pretty good, i didn’t behave badly, so i imagine it was pretty sho0cking that i was So adamant about not wearing a skirt. i got to wear leggings :’) that same year i also remember wanting to cut my hair. i talked to my friend about it and i told her how badly i wanted short hair. she told me i should ask my m om. so i did! i was like “mom, can i cut my hair short like a boy?” and she said no. i was pretty devastated about that. again, in the same year, i had a cnoversation with my mom. i asked her why i wasn’t a boy. i told her that i wanted to be a boy. and she said “well, when you were in my stomach, you were a boy. until the very last second, when you changed yor mind. so that’s why you’re a girl.” i’ve brought this up with my mom recently and she did not remember it at all hahahah, whereas i held onto that for 12 years. it was probably supposed to make me feel better, but it just made me pissed off at my older self. we were so close to happiness, you fuckin fetus! jeez! asshole... hahahha. but like i knew all this when i was 5 yrs old. i sort of gave up on it for a long long long time after my mom shut me down so much. i really blame the lack of awareness and information about trans people  at the time. there were just no public trans people so my mom didn’t even think twice. she thought i was just a tom boy - and treated me that until i told her i was trans

6. When did you realize you were transgender?

so flash forward to high school. i still had all the same thoughts. i kind of hated myself for being so obsessed with this. it was always at the back of my mind that i “wanted to be a boy” when i was young. i kept trying to push it away and say that it didn’t matter. i’d say i was especially confused when i started realizing i liked girls. once i accepted that, i sort of pushed the gender stuff away because i thought it was just a “”lesbian thing””. i literally have a diary entry talking about how it should’ve been “so obvious” that i was gay because of all the gender confusion when i was younger. this was very confusing for my brain hahaha. i basically just used that as an excuse because i did not want to go back to feeling different and creepy for being dissatisfied with my gender. but anyway, it was in high shcool! i had just met the first trans person that i ever knew and it kinda shocked me into realizing that people DID have those feelings too, and they actually could do something about it. during this era was when i was discovering tumblr and also when i was discovering trans guy youtube videos. i liked to say that i just watched them because they were Super Interesting, but in reality they made me feel something i’d never felt before. they let me know that what i’d always wanted was actually a possibility. and if none of these guys were as ashamed as i had been, was it possible i could do this and be happy? i believe i first came out as trans in 2014. i actually came out as nonbinary first lmao. and i wouldnt be surprised if a part of me actually is agender like i suspected, but anyway

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?

you’re not scary, you’re not weird, you are a human being and the things you are feeling are not Bad. you aren’t bad. you don’t deserve to be bullied about this. don’t ever forget that. one day you will be at peace with this information and your body will be how you always wanted it to be

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?

i hope that i continue stretching the boundaries of how i was always taught men are supposed to act. when i first started transitioning, i was so insecure in my masculinity that i would just conform to all the Bad stuff. lately i’ve been really try9ing to move away from that. like i’d be afraid to speak a certain way, sit a certain way, like certain things or have emotions. i never wanna be that way again. and in 5 years, as  long as im doing that, i’ll be happy

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?

accepting yourself is one of the hardest things on this earth to do, but once you do that, you will feel like you can be yourself. you will flourish and you will be so happy. look around, the world is full of trans role models now. you will be just fine

[jessicacrenfrew]

Last one

Before I go I need to say a couple of things . To get it out of my system .. but know that I do not regret anything that has happened this past two years .. the only thing I regret would be being suicidal . But I do not regret meeting you or being your "girlfriend" because it has taught me so much about myself . Brought me out of my comfort zone, has shown me how strong I really am. And hope love isn't actually real.. or the love that I always thought of isn't real. I learned that people aren't who they say they are .. people will constantly hurt you no matter how much you have suffered , done to help them and/ or how weak you are.. they will never stop being selfish and won't care how far they have hurt you. No matter how much I hate it but I did fall in love w you . Or at least what I thought was you .. deep down I know that person is inside of you but I don't think you are strong enough to let that person out .. maybe one day though. But I still love you because when I love someone I truly, genuinely love them and you know how much love means to me. That also was a topic , love/ how people treat each other / morality , it what I like most talking about but I could never fully talk about it with you . For a lot of things, I never knew until now but I had deep down thoughts , instincts , emotions that I knew something was wrong . That something about you is so toxic for me. But I took it as I wanted and could fix you . I tried teaching , showing you how to be a better person. But while I was doing that you were teaching me how evil the world is and how evil people really are. I can't trust anyone.. no one can relate to me.. I don't have a best friend because I find big flaws in everyone (I know everyone has flaws but these hurt me ) , I don't fit in with my family. But that's ok .. Bc deep down I feel that my kind of love is out there and I will wait for that time to come .. for best friend who thinks the way I do and acts like me , will come find me . But having gone/ going through this has only opened the door to see who I truly am and I find it so beautiful and rare. I am proud of myself and I hope one day you can be proud of yourself too. I dislike you a lot because of the horrible, unthinkable things you have done/doing to me but I still deep down love the boy who I created in my head of you . And that will take some time to fully be ok without you ,be happy and find someone else. But I am so excited for that to come because I am so done with this . I never have wanted to leave California more than ever. Even if I did get into my "dream" schools I think I need to get out . I love HPU, maybe not as much as I love LMU or usd or California in general . But I need to be better mentally, I have not been truly happy for a long time. I always was constantly stressed, upset, hurt, scared , depressed about everything. I think I need this one year to get better. Even though tumblr is one of my safe havens, I have to let it go for a bit because I tried but always found myself creeping back checking up on your profile . And to be honest it wasn't that hard to find your profile because I made a different account just to keep reposting that one famous Tumblr pic to get you more reposts. So I went through my followers and found it . So yea .. that's how I found it. But thank you for being my first boyfriend , love , sexual partner , my first real guy best friend, my experience and journey with you has taught me so much . I am going to love myself more , love myself first before getting into another relationship . And that will take some time because of all the damage you put me through and my life w family now but that is why I have my tattoo to remind me. Yes I got my tattoo and I was so emotional afterwards when I was by myself but I was so surprised by how much it didn't hurt . And I am in love with it. I know how strong I am , and I know I can get through this .. even if I see you going back to your old ways .. and hanging out with the people you hurt me w or any of that. I know I can get through this. I am not going to live a suffering life because of a stupid, immature, crazy boy Bc I know that is not what I deserve and how I want to love my life. I hope you grow up and live a better life. Find the beauty of kindness, faith, loyalty , morality, and other things that make you a better person. Be sue this world is already selfish and bad the way it is .. there are way too many evil people in this world. Know that you have to be your best friend throughout everything. Because in the end , you only know yourself and will be there until the end. People will look after themselves, think for themselves , that's just how it works. People's intentions aren't always the best for others and often very selfish. Know that you cannot become successful and truly happy with the life you are living and the person you have created yourself being. Always be truthful , be truthful to yourself and your loved ones. Be kind to women, be more kind to your mom and family , they have risked so much for you worked so hard to get you a good education and life. Stop being so damn selfish , you probably are one of the most selfish person I have ever met. It scares me sometimes .. even still it scares me how selfish you are . You don't even care how much you have hurt a person and what you have put them through or that doesn't stay in our mind to the point to let you know ... " hey, you need to tell the full truth now, or hey you need to stop this , you need to let her go" . I cannot bare to the thought of ever becoming so selfish as you .. it disgusts me . But whatever . I learned my lesson. You are the real version of a fuckboy .. a immature boy that has the horniness and sex drive that is unbelievable, a guy that is good with his words , knows the right things I say to trap a good girl, a cocky guy, selfish , a guy that hooks up with multiple girls as the same time period, that cheats on his girl, that almost destroys a persons life. But I can only hope that one day you will change . But I have to accept you will never be the guy I thought you would become , you will never be the love I thought we had, I will never get to say to people .. " proved you wrong ", you will never be my best friend, you will never will a decent person to me. But in the end thank you for everything but also fuck you . Also I'm happy you didn't get to know the full me.. see how I was if I was fully comfortable with you , make me cum when you wanted to because it all I'm saving for the guy that truly deserves those treasures. Just sad that couldn't be you. I just want to say I find it funny how I can make myself actually cum now by myself and it feels amazing . And now I know " you know when you are about to come or if you came" lol it's so weird but I like it. Because in sex I never really felt anything like this before and you never made me cum w oral.. you almost when that one time in the car next to Webb.. but didn't finish it.but I don't mean f say those things rudely to you because that is not what I'm trying to point out( you know that the sex things don't mean or say anything to me of how much I love you , unlike you ) but it is funny how now I can do it all the time now .. like twice a day .. I never would have thought lol but ok too much to share.. I'm writing this lik this is my diary . But I guess I will end it. Even though I have much more to say I have to start letting you go . So goodbye Justin , I will always love you ( the boy I created of you ), hope you start making better decisions , being truthful and a better person all around. It still breaks my heart that you did this to me and continue to do this to me but I will accept that we both are on different paths of life , it's just one of us has to take more time than the other. I will always be there for you if you needed me Bc I cannot live to think you or anyone will go through unbearable times and not help them when they ask me. Nice knowing you . Bye Justin I hope I can keep off Tumblr for a while but I'm not sure I'm still broken and just got broke again . But I will try . Bye Justin I love you ( not the real you ) . Xx, Jess