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carefulfears · 1 year ago

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top 5 (or 10 if you have em) scully taking care of mulder moments <3

she said IF i have 10 😭😭😭

1/ sein und zeit

i fear i have talked about this television scene more times than anyone has ever talked about a television scene....like. one, two, three, four, i was even foolishly invited onto a podcast to talk about it more...

my tags here:

she gets down on the Ground. there's something so primal about it. there's such a lack of pretense and sense of desperation about it. the way he hits the table. we so Rarely see him lash out like that. but it's just too much to Bear. like everything in him is just Breaking the only thing that he's even remotely been able to hold onto amidst all of the unbearable loss and trauma in his life has failed. he's fumbling around for anything that might make it better. that audries fic describing him in this moment as an 'addict out of a fix' with 'newborn anger.' “this is the world? this is it?” it's the way that he spends this whole ep cooking up some elaborate mythology about missing children and how they can be found and then the last shot of the episode is that wide shot of all of the children's graves. sometimes he's just wrong. the world is so much fucking darker and uglier sometimes than the way he sees it. and that's what is crashing down around him in this moment. and she's sitting in the wreckage holding him tight.

this is such brave, brave love. i keep thinking about CSM in the following episode, standing in scully's apartment, warning her. "allow him his ignorance, it's what gives him hope."

she doesn't know what will happen to him, to her, to them, when she breaks down the only method of coping that he has. his mother lost her bedrock too, and she didn't survive. from the moment scully enters, you can watch it break her. she does it anyway. she gets down on the ground, and she cries, and she holds him. god, it all just would've been so different, if there'd been just 1 person, 27 years ago.

(thinking about mulder reaching up to hold scully when missy died, and these tags asking: did anyone hold him, when it was his sister?)

i love the show's message on grief (and trauma), in that this is all that is necessary for "closure." there is no "Truth," (and there really isn't any closure, there's no "beyond" the sea). but it matters that someone knows. it matters that someone bears witness. it matters that someone tells you the truth, even when it fucking breaks their heart. sits in the destruction with you.

the exhaustion in her voice the next morning, when she tells skinner, "it's been a hard night for him." she's still wearing her work clothes from the day before. she was up all night. she's tired, and she's scared, and she's sad. it's been a hard 7 years. it's been a hard 27 years.

it makes me tear up every time i see it, the way she blocks him in the doorway. she's not moving. this is just so scully. it's not even starbuck, it's just so scully. she would keep him in that apartment where she could cover him and control what touches him forever, if she could. (she can't, so you're not taking him anywhere without her. the way she looks her boss in the eye and tells him he better book her a flight too. brave love.)

2/ demons

god, this one just makes me sad. this might be the one that makes me saddest. she's dying. she doesn't have it in her, anymore. i talked about this in my newsletter (and i wrote a fic about it once) but this is like...the only time where she never calls him out on what he's doing. she never yells. she never rolls her eyes. she never gets frustrated with him. she doesn't have it in her. she's dying. he will be alone. she won't be here the next time. what can she even do about it?

i always think about this post:

and you know she is thinking about how if she hadn’t been there he would’ve died. and how the next time he does something like this, she won’t have enough life left in her to keep them both alive. she might not even have enough left for herself. and she’ll give whatever she does have left to him, but it won’t be enough to save either of them. she’ll die cold and pale and he’ll burn himself out. and what can she do but hold him? who will he have when she’s gone? what will he do to himself? who will he call?

and these tags:

this is so cautious and tender and apologetic. sorry for all the pain he feels constantly. and sorry that nothing can ease it. and sorry that she is dying and leaving him like this.

she started writing to him as soon as she was diagnosed, begging. begging forgiveness, begging courage, begging grace. begging for him to not feel there was anything more he could've done, to not become the next cause he is lost in. for him to keep going, as she needs to know he's "out there."

but she's seen him hold a gun to himself too many times, and she knows he's coming down with her. and it's such a loss? this is a person she gave up everything, including her life, to follow, because she believed in him and what he wanted to do in the world that much. but things are different now. he won't survive this. he won't be "out there" saving the world.

what can she do? go to rhode island at 5am, wrap him up. stay quiet, stay still, but scream and thrash at anyone who's careless with him. sink down next to him, cover him, hold him. "maybe we need every answer in the world to survive a single question: how long do we have each other?" (x)

(also, her memento mori journal, in general. she sat in that hospital alone, for days, knowing she was going to die. and she wrote letter, after letter, after letter, to him. so that he would have something. so that he wouldn’t be left alone with nothing, again.)

3/ the end

"as mulder appears. the look on his face is of a man who's seeing, smelling, and tasting the loss of everything he has worked for. it's the look of utter defeat. angle on scully at the door. she sees only mulder right now...she moves to him now. putting her arms around him, holding on to keep him from breaking. off this, we fade out. the end." (script)

i think so often about the script notes of this scene. the description of mulder, as absorbed in destruction. everything that he's worked for, literally reduced to (cigarette) ash. scully only focused on him.

in the final angle of the season, you can really see how she's standing in front of him. her fingers clutching him. but when she first grabs him, it's so tentative. it almost feels like she's trying to see if he's still there, if he exists, if his work doesn't.

this is...the whole thing! there's a reason why this was "the end." the final image of this iteration of the series, before everything changes. this is what it is all about. it's mulder walking headfirst into the devastation of the world. drenched in loss. seeing it. smelling it. tasting it. surrounded by it. and it's scully knowing what he'll find even as he's still moving (this script note, from the hallway: "reverse on scully. returning the look. knowing what mulder is going to find. and what it will mean.")

following behind. eyes on him, while he takes in the ash. just holding on for dear life; trying to keep him close, whole.

(also, i love the moment before the fire, at his apartment, after diana was shot. the way scully tells skinner that he can reach her at mulder's if he needs her, because that's where she'll be. he doesn't even have a bed, or anywhere for her to stay!! she's not leaving him.)

4/ paper hearts

oh, starbuck. we are really in it now.

paper hearts is an ahab and starbuck episode, yes. but mostly it's about grief. mostly it's about harsh awakenings. mostly it's about confrontation with fear, scully's included.

one of the most haunting moments of the series, to me, is when they speak to the father of the 14th victim, twenty-one years after his daughter went missing. and through tears, the father says, "i used to think...that missing was worse than dead, because...you never knew what happened. now that i know, i'm glad my wife's not here. she got luckier."

in that moment, as mulder looks over at the photos on the mantle, missing is not worse than dead. it is not worse than knowing. and later that day, in his first scene, roche calls it exactly as it is: "i understand you take this very personally, mulder."

i've written about this scene in the hallway so many times, because it's truly the crux of this episode (my favorite episode).

from my newsletter:

There’s something so viscerally deep about this episode that’s hard to put into words, but to me, it is most palpable in the moment in the hallway when Mulder asks Scully if she believes that his sister was abducted by aliens. And you can see in his face that he knows the answer, and he’s challenging her to come out and say it. You can see in Scully’s that she would rather admit to anything else.

he's challenging her. he's taking their entire dynamic, and throwing it in her face. not to be cruel. not to disrupt. but just to say...so what now? isn't this what you believe?

i don't think that they've ever been so fragile, as in this hallway, honestly. they rarely threaten to break it all down. their entire lives are built on him walking up to tragedy and saying: it was aliens. it was XYZ. and her following behind saying: no. it was a killer, it was a man.

what does that mean? what is she really saying?

this episode is hard on scully. mulder has never been more haunted. there has never been a bigger reminder of what they are actually doing. they are not just chasing little green men, having adventures, studying sewer worms. they are trying to make sense of something that will never make sense. they are trying to find a "truth" that they do not want to know. they are living their lives in mourning, in bereavement, in remembrance, of a missing little girl, and scully is terrified that they'll find her. that it will be exactly like roche threatens. that missing is not worse than dead.

and there is no one else. there is no one else that even knows how haunted he is. how stuck he is, in that childhood bedroom, like he said all those years ago. how deeply sad it is.

it's all of the little things. it's the "you did good work, mulder" in the beginning. it's the way she asks if he's okay to go tell the 14th victim's family. it's way she exclaims "oh my god" when roche says that he just wants to see mulder's face, when he finds samantha's body. one of the few times that we ever see scully lose control, but she just stands up and screams, opens the door and wordlessly waits for mulder to get up and get out of there.

it's the way that she hears "help me, scully" and digs in the dirt, with her bare hands.

(you can tell in his eyes here that he's been crying, and it really gets to me. there's so much that we don't see.)

in the end, they're back in the basement. nothing left but one scrap of tattered fabric, one more lost failure. it's over. she just comes down to check on him.

the progression of scully's face in this last scene is just unbelievably gut-wrenching to me. her smile, when she tells him to get some sleep, and he laughs. the way it disappears when he holds her, and can't see her anymore. with his mother, flashing that smile and hugging her was all that it took to convince her not to worry. when he repeats the same actions with scully, she looks like she could break.

this post:

Episodes like this make me think how alone - not just lonely, but truly alone - Mulder was before her. Nobody lost sleep over him falling apart under the fist of decades old trauma. Nobody grappled with him, let him wrestle his grief against them, and still stayed. Nobody visited him in the hospital, flew to Alaska, lied for him, stayed by his bed for days straight without an extra change of clothes. Nobody else knew he was suffering or wanted to, knew it more than he knew. That end of Paper hearts where she tells him to get some sleep, he laughs at the ridiculousness of it, but also out of incredulity at having someone to wish for better on his behalf. The heartbroken look on her face as he’s laughing into her waist seems to be her coming to the same realisation; “Who looked after you before? How long did you feel like this on your own?”

she is heartbroken. there is so much grief, in being starbuck. there's grief in being needed. there's grief in following ghosts. there's grief in loving someone who is so encased in pain, in loss. he will not go home and get some sleep. a well-placed joke, that smile, a hug, does not convince her that he's okay. he hurts so much, for so long, and he has one person who knows it. and all they do is keep moving: closer and closer to that breaking point that she is so afraid of, and they can't stop.

5/ redux ii

remember when dana scully lied on her death bed and looked up at mulder as he told her that he was not willing to jeopardize skinner to save himself, and she replied, "well, then, you have to lay it on me."

the way he smiles and shakes his head, chokes out "i can't...i can't do that." through tears...they are so kind to each other. all that she has left in the world is her reputation, and she says: take it. take it all. take everything.

she cries when he won't do it.

6/ herrenvolk

okay, i wanna get into some slightly lighter ones, so y'all remember when she nearly fully knocked skinner into the wall, because mulder came in with a (checks notes) scratch on his face?

this is just so scully.

she is so panicked. she just wants to slow him down, to stand between him and the world for even one moment longer.

these tags:

she's almost begging him not to go in. the extent of her worry is heartbreaking. she loves him. it frightens her to know what awaits him.

one of the biggest conflicts of scully's character is that she just cannot stop him, she cannot shield him, she cannot protect him. the way she leans up here, and pulls him to her shoulder. covers him with a blanket. this is what she can do.

there is so much grief in being starbuck!! in loving someone who walks blindly into a world that you do not trust. in following someone into the worst night of their life: over, over, over. years, years, years. in being first mate, holding the responsibility on your shoulders of having to steer in a safe direction, only having one to choose from.

(i also think it's really special, all of the little moments where she checks in. in the previous episode, in the hospital hallway, the way she says "are you okay?" so softly.

in paper clip, when she makes him stop, and says "no, wait, hold on a second...i don't think you've had time to process everything that you've been through."

remnants of the girl who told him she'll cover for him and he should just go get a beer, take some time for himself, after jersey. who suggested he talk to someone, when jerry lamana died. she's always wanted so much for him, but she understands more now. there's still room to pause, for a moment, before he carries on.)

7/ anasazi

ladies, would you shoot your man with a gun, to keep him from endangering himself, while he was being laced with LSD, and then drag him across the country singlehandedly, while he was unconscious, despite him being twice your size? and this, too, is taking care.

the way she says, "i was certain they would have killed you, mulder." and the fear in her voice, his hand on her knee. (she is so young. she really doesn't know what to do, not as often as she seems like she does). the way he says, "thank you. thank you for taking care of me." they are so kind to each other. it'll break your fucking heart.

(i remember asking y'all a few weeks ago, if mulder and scully ever say "i'm sorry," if they ever apologize to each other. and we came up with a couple of times. i'll tell you what, though: not as often as they say "thank you.")

8/ fire

girlbosses when they singlehandedly solve serial murders, to get their best friend's shitty ex away from them!!! okay, i put this one on here because we were talking about it yesterday, but scully really does handle the entire situation with phoebe so perfectly, and that's hard to do, when you're dealing with friends and abusers.

trish, i loved this part of your post yesterday:

scully gives him the space to talk about it, never says too much but she says enough. her phrasing is SO important. she repeats what he just told her in a way that frames it as wrong.

she's a little rabid, lol. we can see it on her face when she's alone, or when mulder's not looking. but around him (around phoebe too) she's calm. she listens, she addresses what he tells her as bad, without pressing. when he tells her that she's off the case, that he doesn't want to expose her to what phoebe is doing, she asks one time: are you sure you don't want help?

he says yes, and she does it anyway. she catches that fucking murderer so that this woman can go home. just, like, an inspiration to us all.

trish's tweet:

really, truly, genuinely. scully solving the case in fire was the absolute best course of action she could have taken. get that woman out of here, an ocean away from mulder. (give him freedom, let him heal, teach him what real love feels like)

(her eyes locked in on him here, phoebe behind her. the way that when phoebe leaves the room, scully says, "you alright?" instantly.)

meeting phoebe just a few months into their partnership made her so fucking crazy like...i make fun of her for being sick in the head in regards to everyone he meets (men and women alike) and never wanting anyone around him other than her but like, my god, can you blame her!!! he's such a gentle person and people are so cruel and it makes her eyes bug out of her head.

yeah, i really don't have much else to say here, you guys. she solved a murder herself, a case that she wasn't even supposed to be working, so that his old gf would go away and stop being mean to him. she doesn't play!!

(also! while we're on the subject of abusive exes, honorable mention to scully cornering diana into an empty room and telling her to "just think" about who mulder is, who he was when she met him, compared to where he is now. "and then try and stand there in front of me. look me in the eye. and tell me mulder wouldn't bust his ass trying to save you.")

9/ deadalive

oh, you guys remember that time she raised him from the dead, right?

scully at 8 months pregnant, sitting in that hospital chair, holding his hand, for days. knowing he can’t feel it, knowing that there’s nothing that says he’ll ever wake up. that it’s impossible. that there is no science…yeah. she just sits there and holds his hand.

i love the moment when she finds out, and she comes barreling through that hallway. she hits skinner first, and starts yelling, “i want to see him. no, i need to see him,” slams her fists into his chest.

then she moves onto doggett. repeats, “i need to see him” through tears. and the way doggett says… “i know. but i wish you wouldn’t.”

she’s loved. they want to protect her, protect her image of mulder as she knew him. but they also both know she will fucking plow them down.

i always think of this fic and feel so ill:

“I pulled you six feet out of the ground,” she whispers, dangerously low. “Because I couldn’t live without you. I gave birth to your child.”

she fed his fish while he was in a casket. she planned a funeral and decorated a nursery alone, at the same time. she ran herself ragged all over the country, trying to keep his work going. she raised him from the dead.

(i also feel that i can throw in here, as related, the time that she busted him out of prison and then abandoned everything in her entire life including her career, her family, and everything she owns, to go on the run from the law and live secretly in seedy motels for years to be with him.)

10/ fight the future

there are too many contenders for my last spot, so i’m gonna keep it simple, and go with the most special movie moment. (of all movies).

from my newsletter:

“Mulder watches the spaceship as it flies overhead, his face glows with a heart-melting grin of childlike wonder and awe.”(x)

That’s exactly what it feels like to me, it’s an innocence and excitement that was so present in season one, that was all over him when he told Scully to come look in the second episode, but that’s rare to see in the later seasons. It’s rare to see at this point in their story, after all that’s happened. They are stranded in Antarctica, both of them injured, both of them freezing in the cold, and they are holding each other and gazing up at the sky. What a perfect thing in their big momentous feature, to bring it all back to what it started with.

there’s such a reverent sentimentality to it, in the simplicity. she had stopped breathing, a few minutes earlier. but when he passes out, she pulls herself up, and grabs onto him. keeps him alive, keeps them both alive, just by holding him close. that’s really the heart of it.

(also, i find it so moving that this film is the only time in the franchise that scully considers leaving, not working with him anymore, and it’s because she thinks she’s not good for him. that she’s holding him back. she never considers him as anything other than wanted, something worth believing in.)

some honorable mentions to: little green men, which i’ve written about here. (especially her secret-signaling him to their secret meet-up place, just to ask if he’s okay). the erlenmeyer flask, which i’ve talked about here. (she literally stops him in the street to tell him that she should have listened to him, and she’s sorry, because she should have trusted his instincts. that means so much, you guys). her telling colton she hopes he falls on his ass after he was making rude comments about mulder in squeeze, screaming at a serial killer that she’ll gas him into hell herself and no one will stop her, if mulder isn’t okay, in beyond the sea….she has threatened and shouted at and smacked around so many people for fucking with him, and this too is care!! (anger meaning you’re worth being angry over, etc etc)

how desperately she became frantic to find their son, after 17 years resigned to never ever looking for him, never ever endangering him that way…because she became convinced that it’s the only thing that would help mulder.

and how important samantha is to her. it matters. it matters, that sam is remembered. that someone else in the world knows. someone knows that they played baseball in the summers, that they fought over the television, that he’s looked for her in every room he’s ever been in. someone else cares about her; not as a white whale, not as a photo on a desk, as a little girl who broke her collarbone because she played on swings too hard. scully listened to her journal, and cried. listened to how much she suffered. how much she just wanted to see her big brother. (scully kept a journal like that, too, once. underwent those same tests. almost died at the hands of those same men. wrote her testimony to that same person.) it’s taking care of mulder, to love samantha. and she does.

#i got really really tired by the end but it is what it is #i want y'all to know #that i almost put 'trust no 1' on here #the way that she yells at doggett that she wants to see mulder 'SO BAD'#but in the end: writes to him that she just wants him to be okay even if she can't see him or hear from him #or even if he can't read what she sends him #and the way that she looks over at william in the stroller and puts her hand on his face #just like...that one semblance of mulder that she still has in her life and that she holds onto- in this baby #and he's growing up without his dad and she NEVER wanted that.#and mulder is writing to her that he just wants to come home to her and to will.#and how her voice shakes and she screams when she talks about how badly she just needs to see him. she feels so alone.#and there are only so many solar system onesies and star mobiles and lullabies from the florida woods that she can give #but ultimately she just wants him to be safe and alive and that's what she tells him and that's what she fights for with everyone else #but it's just so fucking unbearably sad and i couldnt do it after the first few i put on here ksjdfk #i would also say!! that her leaving him post-iwtb and their break-up was in a way taking care of him #getting the fuck out of that house. trying to save herself from that trap of grief.#then coming back when it was less haunted and he was healthier and it was able to be their home again #refusing to suffocate there just because he was. salvaging SOMETHING for him to come back to- and ALWAYS being available for that.#asks #sein und zeit #demons #the end #paper hearts #redux ii #herrenvolk #anasazi #fire #deadalive #ftf

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t8oo · 6 months ago

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there is some symbolism iv never considered in that one episod of pt5 where zenigata rescues fujiko before she kills lupin

#there are many timelines and variations in lupin as a serie so that every ship could work #in my own prefered timeline lupin finally gets the hint that fujiko plays him like a fiddle #to me she does like him but he is an instrument to her #she is cold hearted and calculating and always thinking about relationships in terms of profit #i got some ideas abt her background that justify this. essentially she kills the detective that is after her and with that kills #the soft part of her that she couldnt control before #eventually and despite his affection lupin gives up the objectifications and the desires he projects onto fujiko #whom uses his delusions like a master tbh #thus allowing himself to consider zenigata. he plays with zenigata the way fujiko plays with him #hes just not as calculating. he feels pity and remorse where fujiko doesnt #he finds the thrills and the doubts and the lack of trust and the risk of betrayal in zenigata. the things that he loves the most #he isnt about stability. he thrives in the unknown. he loves that zenigata could backstab him and does so sometimes #and in that lack of stabilty some form of stability builds up. there is familiarity #and most importantly there are rare times when they can put the game aside and just chill #just enough to gather the energy to go back to trying to kill each other #plus zenigata pampers him during those breaks and he loves that #he acts with carelessness but he does care. in that regard he looses to fujiko #at least thats how she sees it. he doesnt see caring as a flaw #and zenigata is so sweet. he really is. and lupin loves to stirr up the crazy in him #fucking loonies the both of them #so in essence zenigata doesnt really 'save' him from fujiko but he becomes lupins new favourite toy to throw around #fujiko is only upset that because of that ugly looser of a detective her grip on lupin is loosening #she does find ways to use that newly developed affection luzeni has to her advantage thou #lupin is still her instrument she just drags zenigata along now #fujiko is such a good and interesting character and deserves so much better honestly #despite my love for TWCFM i wish there was another serie centralized around her where her ruthlessness is examined #and her cunning is studied. and the proper law enforcement she should face the same way lupin does #shes like a million times smarter and more ressourceful than him. steals much more. embezzles. manipulate #lupin is just a small time pickpocket next to her. she isnt about stealing a painting shes about emptying the pockets of the richest men in #the world. her goals are much more ambitious

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spotaus · 4 months ago

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Thinking about Orchid and her connection to my take on Gender (because this was meant to be about her and the Crew but it just devolved into a character analysis kinda??? More trauma-dumping maybe???) This is very much an oc/personal rant so feel free to ignore it 🫡

So, Orchid started off as a character I didn't really think much of (hear me out this is going to be relevant) because I wanted to add a 'girl' character but didn't know what to *do* with her, y'know? She was always going to be the strongest one there, she had the odds stacked in her favor with her parents. She was always going to be the gloomy side-character to match Reset's energy. But I think she's gone through every stage of Generic Woman I could possibly find.

At first she was angry and abrasive (think Fell!Sans) where every other word was a curse and she was likely to throw the first punch then laugh as she kicks her enemy while they're down. This was when Reset was a cartoonishly self-centered villain whose goal was simply to prove others wrong. Then Orchid became a sort of sisterly figure. This was short-lived, but she was the one comforting people who Reset would torment, but would ultimately follow his orders, because at this point he was actually a danger and sadistic. And then there was the phase where the story mellowed out and she became the token Goth Girl who, yes she was strong, but was heavy on the 'whatever' energy. Then there was her Era of deep self-loathing and anxiety about her worth that held her back and made her a much more timid and meek character who would only lash out on occasion.

Now, Orchid is the best of those iterations I've written yet. She's calm, level-headed, and a natural leader. Her father raised those traits into her. But she's very reactive, and can be silly, and when she's comfortable it's likely that air of importance transforms into something more comfortable and familiar. She laughs loudly and grins wide, she likes loud video-games but loves to read in the quiet. She's extremely disciplined, and normally no one can get through her tough exterior besides her best friend, Reset. She does what she does for her own enjoyment, sure, but she's thought of every angle and makes her choice to help Reset and control the others with her whole chest. She still worries she won't live up to her invisible expectations, and that and her loyalty are her two driving forces.

I know that Orchid is important to me because she's the longest-running female oc I've had. I have a rough relationship with womanhood/girlhood and I know looking back that Orchid recieved every ounce of my distaste for being a woman that I could shovel into her. That never made her less of a character, she was actually always one of my favorites, and rarely was she a 'punching bag oc'. I just... projected onto her a lot. And she's a good sign of how I've learned who I am. I've decided that my own femininity is something I could live without. I'd rather not associate myself with it, and I'd like to leave it in my past, focusing on a future where I'm not tied down with any gender roles or expectations. That won't happen, but I've come to terms with it myself. Orchid though? I figured out through her that I don't have to hate women characters. My own distaste for my circumstances doesn't mean I have to push it onto my characters (on God I've never expressed anything rude to actual people, that'd be rude as hell and uncalled for, but I have a bad habit of disliking fictional women in media). So, Orchid is a well-roubded character finally. She has motivations abd goals and a *lot* more depth than I ever expected her to. She's happy with being a woman, she's content. She's not treated differently for it in unfair ways by those she cares about, so she doesn't mind it. She likes to wear pretty outfits and lets Reset add bows to her ribbons. She doesn't let being a woman hold her back in the slightest.

So, yeah. Orchid is one of my babies. If I ever leave this Fandom behind for good, she's one that's coming with (Ichor, Orchid, and Pretender all have human designs I can use elsewhere lol-) but in the meantime I'll just rotate her around in my brain for a while longer.

If I'm right, she's been with me for nearly 5-6 years and I went through a *lot* with her as an outlet. So, she's kinda just like an old stuffed animal. A lil ripped, matted fur, maybe a stain or two, but there's a story there and that makes it important beyond belief.

#spotatalk #i'm just gonna drop this in the queue I guess?#but I'm writing this on the last day of june so....#whenever this rolls around will be a jumpscare abd a half I guess?#I think honestly I coukd do a full breakdown of the Crew and why they're all expressions of me but like #quick summary is #Reset: Wants approval from people but mostly clings to the past. is afraid of losing his brother and acts on it to bring him back. i #<- I lack that conviction to do whatever you have to to get your way. i worry my brother and I have a weird gap between us we wont repair #Orchid: Uhhh woman. lots of pressure that she had at one time that's now no being pressed but she still tries to live up to it also.#<- I don't like the pressure of being a woman. also gifted-kid who cannot move past the pressures imposed to be 'perfect' and it's screwed #Stereo: Pulled into a situation he doesn't want to be in initially. it's bad for him but he likes the people so he decides to stay #<- I see the good in people. even when they hurt others around me. I was a bystander often and should've left the situations. paralelling.#Monochrome: Afraid. No purpose or preperation in life. soneone offers to guide him and he takes that offer because it's better than home.#<- Kinda self-explanitory but I've got little direction and feel lost a lot of the time. If I'm given a path I usually walk it no hesitation #and... for fun let's do some others!#Haphazard: Cleaning up after others since childhood. he's never really gotten a break and sees any sort of mess as an enemy #-> He's fixing rifts in universes I gotta patch relationships. there's so much conflict and I'm always so overwhelmed by it #Lost: He's got amnesia. no clue where he is. where he's from. who you are. who he is. he'll know when he gets there. he's sure.#-> I've been hsving minor issues with my memory for years. i coukd be forgetful but sometimes it just escapes me and that's spooky #Teddy: Isolated in her universe for years. she self-mutilated until she liked herself. when she finally met people she compulsively lied #-> Much more extreme version of how isolated I sonetines feel. hobbies can't replace human interaction but it's hard #oh and Ichor: God who loves mortals but cannot seem to find ones who will prove hin right for his trust and care #<- I've got a big heart. i express it often but the sentinent is scoffed off a lot. I get beat down about it and just keep moving forward #Pretender: Knows who he is. however the world doesn't like it much so he acts how they expect him to or isolates away #<- I still present femme when I'm nb/agender. i bend and break to people's perception of me. if I can't solve something I run.#okay I feel more insane than when ai started but these stupid skeletons have helped me through so many mental health problems it's only a #little bit funny 🙏

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swordmaid · 5 days ago

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thinking about how profound it must’ve been for shri’iia when she first received scratch’s ball (woman who has never gotten anything for free in her life ever)

#shri’iia’s relationship with scratch and owlbear cub is that she has only gotten those two for a day and a half and if anything happens to #them she’s gonna kill everyone and herself (she means it)#which is so funny to me bc I usually go for the intimidate options with scratch like she just makes him heel or drop the ball immediately #so she just seems like she doesn’t like the dog but inside she’s like ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️😭😭😭 sobbing pissing herself the dog is so cute #shri’iia watching scratch roll on his back like a wiggling worm and she looks like she’s smiling menacingly and plotting #bc the lack of eyebrows + eye tattoo that looks like devil horns + insanely bright red eyes makes her look sinister #but she’s actually dying inside bc she finds him so cute. she will forgive how he drools on her and everything #also post oath breaking when she’s knee deep in denial I do imagine that he tries to console her w how dogs can sense ur distress and all #that. that’s why she gets attached to him 😭 she hasn’t had anyone console her before 😭#owlbear cub too… sobs she does love her babies but she’s doesn’t express it often she just doesn’t know how #but I do hc that those two are always bound to curl up w shri’iia when she’s in her trance. like when she’s laying down they’re like it’s #free real estate. then this 5 ft woman gets covered by a massive dog and her owlbear cub 🥰🥰#must be so sad for her to find out after the game that the owlbear cub and scratch left #she’s like im NOT upset btw 😭 tears running down her face astarion is like darling what mascara do u use mine isnt that dramatic #then epilogue when she sees them again and she has to give them up to shadowheart 💔💔💔💔#she’s like. clenched fist im so fucking happy for you I’m so serious

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xxplastic-cubexx · 1 day ago

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what 93 clip are we talking abt..

Its that scene from the last episode of 92 where jeans all How Much Do You Love Charles Xavier and eriks blows up all How Dare You Ask Such A Question I Owe That Man My LIFE or w/e

#snap chats #that was the one that hooked me like chat they said the L word #ik its not meant to be romantic but still …………….. woah …….#erik funny as hell in that shit he really got so offended 😭😭😭#it wouldve been kinder to shoot him like How Dare You Question His Love For Charles Xavier #really blew up on her like bro ok we get it you love him😭😭😭😭#sorry for asking now can you help save his life ……..#anyway everyone be nice to me today today keeps getting worse #i accidentally left my computer charger at my moms and its a four hour drive to and fro 🕴#and i have an advisor meeting in like two hours 🕴#i mean my computers at full battery so i can attend BUT STILL IM SO PISSED #i can do my comm work cause Thank The Lord of my tablet but still #im mad ……. im gonna lay in bed and daydream of old man yaoi to cope before working #ILL BE FINE. once the meetings done i just go back and get my charger #say hi to my dog and cat while im there ok Might As Well #and then come back and then it’ll all be ok #im just annoyed because my break’s literally after classes tomorrow fuckin driving around so much FOR WHAT 😭😭😭😭#driving i hate you i loathe you with every fiber of my being. moving on now ….

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hellaverse-critical-confessions · 22 days ago

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(from this video)

#not a confession #helluva boss #the fact that they even mentioned Chaz just made me screech mentally #because... you know. if you've read my oneshot you know #but yes exactly. I also tie back to him the fact that Millie was so serious and untrusting during the flashback #(to be fair. being a mercenary is cutthroat business. but even while fighting and killing she seems a lot goofier nowadays)#how the timeline works in my head is #affair in Wrath. Chaz bounces to another ring and breaks her heart. she stays home for a while after that before moving to the city in Prid #she could've had her walls up out of a sense that the city slickers would only betray her #Chillie seems significant to me bc we've SEEN just how MUCH it takes for Millie to snap when it comes to loved ones and their bullshit #let alone turn from loving affection to seething murderous hatred #so you KNOW that whatever happened between her and Chaz WOUNDED her. or at least offended in a huge way idk #someone on AO3 wrote it so he cheated on her with her sister. like yeah that could do the job alright #though that does imply she loved him which is easily the biggest plot hole here. like. look at that thing #what is there to love #about Chazwick Thurman #he's an embarrassing roach with a dick complex #(also my girl Sallie would never have standards that low. please. she's also a lesbian now but that's another thing)#tbf Chaz and Blitzo are quite similar... except Blitzo has way less shallow writing... I wonder if that could be explored #her currently being so close to someone who is in theory strongly reminiscent of her ex. putting up with so much from him too #ah but I shan't keep talking Chillie. we'd be here all night if I tried to explain all my mental lore #isn't it funny how I've thought so much about them despite despising S02e03 and becoming physically ill by Chaz's sceentime #on my first watch #and then never watching it again #it's just the Concept of him alright. like shared ex of M&M who's a conman a loser a former mafia goon & whores himself to survive #who are you and how did you get here #plus the fact that he's a shark bc sharks are so cool. did you know threshers harm and even kill prey by whipping them with their tails #wish we could've seen that #I love it when anthros have their animal traits acknowledged #wow the tags here really derailed from the original screenshot. ignore them please 🙏

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calamitoustide · 3 months ago

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i posted this microfic months ago but then deleted it after a while but i was rewatching this episode of Gilmore Girls tonight and thought about it again... so here it is

come over

Three days.

Hardly any time at all if you really think about it, but to Regulus it feels like it’s been decades. He’s spent most of it in bed, pathetic yes but he can’t help it. He hasn’t answered his phone. Hasn’t even let it ring. He can’t handle it really. The one person he wants to call won’t so it’s better just to not hear it at all. His bed should bring him comfort, but it’s cold and he wants to rip off his sheets with every breath he takes that’s not taken by another. He would if he could move, but his chest feels heavy and sleep has always been easier.

He’s spent so much time staring at the permanent park on his forearm, a “J” written out plainly. There’s nothing else it could be, that was the point. Never get a lover tattooed on you, they say, but Regulus didn’t listen. He even let him be the one to do it, he was so sure. He could remove it, or cover it up with something else, but the very thought kills him to even think about. He feels himself gagging at the idea of looking down and not seeing it there, of seeing something else. He wants to be separated from him but he wants no space at all. It’s his own fault, he has to remind himself of that. He was the one who landed the final punch. He was gripping the knife. He really didn’t mean to, but it means nothing when

Sirius broke down his door yesterday, said they thought he was dying, and maybe he is. He certainly feels like he’s rotting. He felt the decay setting in as soon as James stormed out of the door. He can hardly say his name anymore. What once left his lips like a promise now sits behind it until he’s joking on it. Thinking of him isn’t like pushing on a bruise, it hurts worse. It’s a slicing of a knife, or a pulling apart of scars. Sirius made him get out of bed, no matter how much he yelled at them. He ran out of words eventually and Sirius’ grip was stronger than he could fight. They shoved him into the bathroom and forced him to shower, banging on the door every ten minutes to make sure he was actually doing it. Regulus wanted to kill them, and he wanted to hug them too. He doesn’t like how he gets when he’s not with James. He doesn’t really like who he is when he was with him either. It’s always a push and pull with him. Sirius couldn’t stay forever though, or at least Regulus faked being better long enough that they thought they could trust him. A bad idea on their part but Regulus won’t complain. They’re sitting up now, nails digging into their shin as the phone rings against his ear. It’s a bad idea. It’s a really bad idea. But his brain isn’t working and he just needs to hear his voice. He needs to… He can’t do this alone. He doesn’t care if James hates him. He knows him. If Regulus calls him and asks for him to come James will, even if it kills him. He’d do it. That’s just how James is. And maybe it’s selfish for Regulus to ask this of him, in fact he knows it is. He’s awful for asking it but he can’t help but take.

He doesn’t pick up. Regulus chest drops, he can’t help it. He really messed up this time. “James, hi,” his voice breaks, it cuts off after every word. He sounds like shit if he’s being honest. “I don’t really know what I’m doing I just… I needed to hear your voice and I thought you’d pick up. I know that’s—do you remember one of the first times we talked?” He asks, he knows he shouldn’t. He’s taking it a step too far, but he can’t help it. “We weren’t together yet and I don’t even know if you know what I’m talking about but we were at that party. The one Sirius dragged me too. It was one of yours. I stayed out in the backyard the entire time trying to hide but you found me anyway. You sat down on the grass next to me and just started talking. You didn’t shut up no matter how much I told you to go.”

He remembers it so vividly. He can picture James’ stupid outfit, it was his favorite, no matter how ridiculous it looked. Filled with mix-matched patterns and simply awful designs, but it was James. It screamed his name. As soon as they started dating Regulus shoved it so far back into James’ closet he couldn’t find it. He couldn’t stand it. Now he wants to see it again. “You didn’t even know me then but you told me if I ever needed anything you would be there. Not because of Sirius you said it was for me,” he’s full on crying at this point, hiccuping between his words. He hates himself for it. No matter how much he claws at his face to remove the marks they’re still there, burning holes in his skin. “And I need you now, James. I— I need you here. Just come over. Please just… come over I—“

His actions wash over him and he hangs up the phone as quickly as he called him.

Fuck what has he done?

Despite not leaving the bed unless forced he jumps out and puts on his shoes. He’s still wearing James’ shirt, the one he left here the last time he stayed over. He shouldn’t be seen like this put he’s already out of the door. James has an awful habit of leaving his phone at home when he goes out. Regulus kept telling him to keep it on him.

“What if you’re in an accident?” He asked him, “What then?”

“Well if I’m in an accident you’ll be with me,” James replied. “I don’t go anywhere without you.”

Regulus’ chest aches. It’s a ten minute drive but he’s shaking by the time he makes it there. Time goes by quickly as slams on the break on the road in front of his house. He keeps a spare key in a little cat statue right next to the door. Again Regulus calls him an idiot for, but James doesn’t care. He always forgets his keys anyway, he needs a way to get inside.

Without a thought Regulus leaps for it, there’s no car in the driveway so he’s probably safe walking in. No matter if he is or if he’s not he rushes inside, slipping on the floor on the way to the kitchen. James’ phone is sitting on the counter, completely untouched. With a sigh he opens it, he doesn’t even need to put the passcode in he put his face ID in it ages ago. James still hasn’t taken it off yet.

It only takes him a few seconds really to find the voicemail and delete it. He deletes the missing call too, and any other sign of his break. He can’t have James know. He wouldn’t be able to bear it. Without another breath he slams the phone back down and rushes out of the door. His tires squeak on the way home, and he almost runs a red light trying to speed home. He doesn’t really fully understand what he’s done until he pulls into his own driveway to find the door wide open.

“Fuck,” he whispers, quickly jumping out of the car. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” As soon as he breaks through the doorway he sees him, running out of the bedroom his eyes wide with worry. Fuck. “James—“

“Are you okay?” He asks, running up to him. “I come over here and you’re gone.”

“You got my message,” Regulus says numbly.

“My phone was across the house I was gonna answer but I didn’t get there in time,” James answers. “So I ran over here. I knocked there wasn’t an answer,” he lifts his hand, “I still have my key so I just…”

Regulus can’t stop staring at it. It’s such a little thing truly. His eyes trail down the length of James’ arm, he can’t help himself. He needs to see it. Only a glimpse of it. The “R” is still there, imprinted into his skin. He wonders how long that’ll last. “Oh my god.”

“You can have it back,” James shoves it in his hands, he doesn’t even ask for it. He doesn’t want it, it feels hot in his hand, like he’s look down and see a burn mark. “I just forgot about it I wasn’t—“

“I’ll never do it again,” Regulus croaks, blinking quickly. “Sorry I um—I’m fine. Just…” he can’t even look him in the eye. “I’ll never do this to you again. You asked for me to go away and I will. I told you I would so I just— I knew if I called you you’d come and that was awful of me to do.“ “It’s okay,” James whispers, hurt pulling at the end of his words.

Regulus shakes his head, “I won’t do it again. Thank you for coming but you don’t—you don’t need to stay.”

James doesn’t move at first, his eyes running over his face as if he’s looking to see if he really means it. Regulus wants him to see right through him. He wants him to stay. Kiss him even if it’ll break him. He wants to be hurt by him. Feeling something will be better than feeling nothing. He’ll take a little bit of James if this is the only other option. “Okay.”

Regulus bites the inside of his cheek. He won’t cry while he’s here. He doesn’t want to force him to stay. He can’t do that to him. Even though he wants to. He wants him to hurt. He wants him to bleed. He can’t help it. “You should go.”

“Yeah, I should,” James says distantly. Regulus wants to touch him, one last time at least. He wants to feel like his for a little while longer. He can’t handle feeling nothing, but James is already walking away. He leaves the house without a word and Regulus still has his key burning a hole in his hand. The door shuts and Regulus crumbles exactly where he’s standing. That’s it. There’s nothing more. He looks at the tattoo one final time, knowing he’ll never be able to mark over it. He’s still James’ no matter what happens now. He belongs to him. If James called him he’s show up just like James did now. Even if he finds someone new it won’t matter. He’s still his.

He leans his head on the cold floor hoping it’ll take his headache away but it only makes him shiver at the thought of being alone forever.

God. It’s only been three days.

#they can't break up with each other btw #it never works out #they don't do break ups well #i was just rewatching the scene #and Lorelai said something like “she called him because he was her best friend and she needed her best friend”#it was about a movie or something but idk that just kinda stuck out to me #because yeah #that would be how jeg would be after a break up #the only comfort they'd want is each other #but they don't have each other anymore #also #after this microfic they 100% get back together #there's no doubt in my mind #anyway #jegulus

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