#AND FINLAND HAS GONE MAD OVER HIM

[potatounicoorn]

My local library made a full size Käärijä doll.

EVERYONES GONE INSANE OVER HIM

[tsuritama10th]

Tsuritama 2020 Blu-Ray Short Story

Since this story is fairly short, I wanted to give it a real line-by-line translation. Please be aware though that this is a cleaned up machine translation. I did try to double-check all of the lines, but my Japanese is beginner level and there is a big margin for error!

Thank you so much to my friend Felix for the scans!

He hadn't seen Haru since yesterday.

Yuki deftly put a small colorful fish on the hook and immediately stopped thinking about it again. There were many other things to think of. Much had happened in the last year and a half.

The Enoshima Boom that was caused by the turmoil a while back had come and gone. Though a few tourists still came by to see the Enoshima Dance, Heihach's shout that "The Era of Enoshima has come!" did not actually come true. The island returned to its original tranquil state.

It was Yuki's second year working at HEMINGWAY now. The store manager (the cat) had gotten fat again. The Tapioca drink that's served on a duck shaped coaster was as popular as ever. Ayumi, who had successfully become Misaki's husband, was currently repairing the roof of the store. The typhoon last week had blown off a part of the roof.

When the typhoon came, Yuki had remembered the turmoil of back then for a little, but he didn't say that out loud.

Ayumi still had a habit of dashing to the shore and shouting, but now he only did it when Misaki gets mad. He releases the screams of his heart to the ocean that way.

Misaki was pregnant but her belly had not grown yet.

"What do you think would be a good name for the baby?" Ayumi asked Yuki every time they met, but Yuki didn't feel like that's his place to decide so he never answered seriously.

The other day Erika, who had started fishing under the influence of her boyfriend, dropped by with him to buy matching lures. Yuki still felt a little swell of pride that he was able to speak to them very naturally.

He had changed from back in the day. By now, it was alright for him to man the store on his own. His customer service was decent. The days of the Hannya-face were a nostalgic memory now.

After that fiasco, Yuki was able to talk to his classmates at school a lot. They asked him many things about fishing. Yuki, Haru and Urara also went fishing every week.

These days, it was only once in a while...

Well, it's probably one of those things...

'It's been a year and a half', Yuki thought to himself. It's been a really long time since Natsuki and Akira left Enoshima... It'd been a lot of fun since, but there was also an indescribable feeling in Yuki's heart.

Boredom? Emptyness? A sense of loss?

Those words came to mind, but none of them seemed to fit.

Every day was fun, but what lies ahead?

Yuki had applied to some universities, but he aimed to high and failed. No, no. Really it was because he'd been fishing when he really would have needed to work harder.

Anyway, Yuki decided to stay in Enoshima.

A year passed quickly as he was studying, working part time and helping out at home. Yuki was getting kind of fidgety. "What are you going to do in the future?" was the question he was most scared of.

Would they ask it, too...?

Tomorrow, on March 31st, Natsuki would temporarily return from studying in the US and Akira will rush in from Finland, where he was currently posted.

Yuki hadn't seen them in a year and a half. That's why he had been reminiscing about what happened in that time.

Why tomorrow? Naturally...

March 31st - Yuki's Birthday April 1st - Haru's Birthday

Around this time, Yuki can't help pulling away from Haru, who was always next to him. That's annoying. He disliked himself for thinking this way sometimes.

While Yuki always got a bit moody around now, Haru was forever like a child. It was impossible to explain that frustration to him. They didn't go fishing these days because they got into fights over the smallest things. Urara had been pretty troubled because of that. He's a really nice guy.

Yuki had been trying hard to think about a birthday present for Haru. He thought of a surprise and then went 'oh, well' and contradicted himself again. It had been like this since yesterday.

But... oh well.

Yuki wasn't sure why, but he had a feeling that all his moodiness will be gone when he sees Natsuki and Akira again tomorrow.

There was something he wants to tell Natsuki.

Yuki recently met up with his real father. He didn't remember how long it had been, but it made him happy. But even though they went fishing together, it wasn't really exciting. They didn't know what to talk about and parted without making any plans for a next time.

Yuki wanted to talk to Natsuki about that.

After finishing up with work, Yuki went back to the empty house and got into the futon alone to remember the last year and a half from the beginning again.

Where should I start...?

Thinking about that, his thoughts got all messy and he fell asleep before he knew it.

And so came March 31st. The day of the memorable four person reunion.

But Haru didn't come back.

Even though he was looking forward to it so much...

Yuki was pissed off, sad, and for some reason lonely, and for the first time in a long time, and only on a day like this, his Hannya face returned!

After Natsuki and Akira laughed at his face and took a lot of pictures with their phones, the group went to the East Promenade of Katase Fishing Port near HEMINGWAY, where he'd fished for the first time, and fished together.

Natsuki was working towards becoming a professional bass fisherman in California under the guidance of an American bass pro. His hair was as shaggy as when Yuki first met him, and Yuki was glad to see that he was concentrating on fishing. For a birthday present Natsuki gave him a dark blue cap "for everyday use or for fishing".

It seemed that Natsuki had learned about more than just bass fishing in California.

"I am in nature every day. Everyone calls it "nature," but it doesn't really have a name. When you are in it every day, it sometimes seems like you don't have a name either." he said and Yuki didn't quite get it, but it was good.

Akira, now twenty-seven years old, currently lives in Finland and seems to be fishing as usual. For a moment Yuki thought he had brought two Tapiocas, but it seems like it was Tapioca with her lover. Yuki was surprised that it was a different one from the one he'd heard about before.

Yuki and Natsuki laughed when they saw Tapioca sharing the ham that Akira had given her with her lover, but Akira didn't laugh, instead he let out a long breath through his nose and looked at the ocean.

Yuki was given a brightly designed apron by Akira. "You've been cooking lately, haven't you?" Akira had a good memory, probably because of his job.

Yuki said, "Thanks," and then added, without looking at the two of them, "Grandma's fine, by the way." He somehow had gotten the feeling they were worried about that.

Ironically, it was Akira who was most worried about Haru's disappearance.

"Sometimes there are aliens. Sometimes there are aliens who suddenly disappear..."

-

But Haru didn't disappear.

Whenever he got into one of those "annoying" situations that are so common these days, he turned into a yellow fish and retreated into his goldfish bowl. His temporary home was in a place Yuki doesn't frequent these days, so he couldn't find him. It's the hospital room where Kate iwas staying.

Kate had been here more often than not lately.

Today, Haru swam in the goldfish bowl on Kate's bedside table and talked.

"Yuki says 'Things are changing, aren't they?'"

Haru felt that Yuki has been cold these days. He was in a bad mood and doesn't hang out with Haru as much as before. But Yuki says "no matter who, no matter what, nobody can avoid changing".

"Yuki has changed! He doesn't come to see you, Kate, and our house is a mess."

"There are also times like this," Kate said, "That isn't all there is to Yuki."

"I know. Yuki makes good food. Urara has also gotten better."

"Haven't you changed as well, Haru?"

"Not at all. I hate change!"

"Oh, but haven't you been saying 'it's such a pain' a lot lately?"

"I... might have been saying something like that..."

A year ago, Haru came back to Enoshima because he didn't want to be without Yuki. He thought they'd be together until they died.

"... but it doesn't look like that's going to be true..."

"Certainly..."

Coco, who had returned to their home planet, had told Haru to come back soon. And definitely, their home planet was pleasant and enjoyable. Haru always told Coco that it also feels really good here, but recently he'd been wondering if that's actually true. He's felt a lot of loneliness and sadness.

That's what he thought when the typhoon shook the house.

"But 'sadness' isn't just sad."

Haru's reply was a tantrum-like whine. "I don't get it!!"

"After all... Even when you feel sad, you eat when you're hungry. You laugh when you hear something funny, right? "

"Yeah."

"Nothing is ever just the one thing. So don't decide it is, Haru. Look, even though I'm alive, I might also have died already."

"Kate is alive!"

"That's right. Surprisingly, I haven't died yet. That's what I mean. Sometimes it feels like it's over, but then surprisingly it's not. I'm always excited to find out what happens."

"Que sera, sera!"

That was something the two of them said in a chorus.

And as Kate said, Haru was sad and still, he laughed.

-

In the end, only Natsuki caught three fish. Yuki and Akira got nothing. Afterwards, they lazed around on the grass in front of HEMMINGWAY and, as if they had agreed on it, fell silent.

As Yuki listened to the soothing sound of the waves, he thought that he had expected everyone to talk much more, about many things.. It was so quiet that he sneaked a glance at the others' profiles.

Natsuki seemed to be looking beyond the sky, while Akira seemed to be looking even beyond that.

After a long silence, the topic of 'what if the world ended tomorrow' came up.

"First I'll ascertain that that's actually the truth," Akira replied.

"Sorry for being boring, but I'l probably be fishing," Natsuki said. "And you, Yuki?"

As he was asked by Natsuki, Yuki pushed a thought of Haru's smiling face out of his mind and replied: "I'd probably be with grandma." He felt like he could hear Haru saying "You haven't visited her at all lately" in the back of his mind, but he pushed that out too.

Haru didn't show up after all.

Giving Haru his presents was postponed until tomorrow and the party broke up much earlier than Yuki had expected.

Natsuki had wanted to go home since they were wishing. Yuki first thought he wanted to see Sakura, but then he remembered little Satsuki was also there and that was probably it. When talking about his youngest sister who couldn't even talk yet, Natsuki smiled so much that he didn't even seem like Natsuki.

"If she cries, what do I do? I see her over smartphone sometimes, but she still doesn't recognize me as her older brother."

Akira seemed to still be in Enoshima tomorrow, but he hadn't said where he was staying.

As they parted, Yuki slipped in the story about going fishing with his father. Natsuki and Akira looked a little surprised, but quickly recovered.

"There's still a lot of stuff," Natsuki said, "It may not work out at first, but I think it will in the future."

"I wonder..."

"I'm sure of it. I feel like you once told me you were jealous of me, but now I'm jealous of you."

"I think so as well," said Akira. He looked straight at Yuki and continued as if he had been prepared for this all along. "Yuki, don't worry too much. You saved the world here, but from now on you'll save yourself. If you start worrying about important things before they've even started, you won't be in charge of your own body and mind."

After all, Akira was an adult.

Yuki wasn't sure what to say or do, but Natsuki gently poked him.

"Get along with Haru." When Yuki didn't know what to say yet again, the other two looked at each other and laughed.

What's with those two...

The three of them parted ways there. They did not make any concrete plans for tomorrow.

After all, the thing Yuki had been afraid of, the question "What are you going to do in the future?" had not come up. Nobody asked it, though they may have wondered in their hearts.

The sun was setting before Yuki knew it.

"No way," Yuki muttered as he looked out to the sea. If he met up with Natsuki and Akira, all this moodiness would surely disappear. That couldn't be true.

When he came to, he was running. It had been a while so he was immediately out of breath.

Pathetic. I'm still only 19.

There was someone waving in the distance and it was Haru, after all.

"Happy Birthday, Yuki!"

"You too..."

"I'm only tomorrow!"

"I know."

"Here, your present!"

They had both gotten each other lures. They're similar at first glance, but if you looked at them closely, they were completely different lures.

Yuki should have been pissed off, but he had to laugh.

"That's a cute lure! Thank you, Yuki!"

"... yeah. Thank you as well."

"Hey Yuki, become my friend again!"

"What's with that..."

"Please! Say it's okay, please, pleeeaaaase!"

Haru was clinging to Yuki's arm in a tantrum. Yuki still didn't like it, but there was nothing he could do about it.

"We'll be friends again." He decided to accept the strange proposal. "I don't really get it, but let's get along."

Haru jumped in joy, just when Urara stepped out to call them for dinner.

"The Miso is read Miso with whitebait today."

Even though Yuki was simply told what's for dinner, his feelings seemed to reset.

Is that what a mother looks like?

Mother? No, that's an alien.

Yuki felt kind of embarrassed and laughed, blaming it on the bright glare of the setting sun.

As he sighed at being dragged inside by the arm by Haru, Yuki thought that tomorrow he should go fishing with Haru, Urara, Natsuki and Akira, and after that he should visit his grandma.

[catboymingi]

wish

navi/masterlist

pairing: hongjoong x reader

genre: some angst if you try really hard, fluff

word count: 4k

warnings: mingi being bad at halloween (this is FLUFF and fluff ONLY)

a/n: would you believe this, something that’s not mingi... who would’ve thought this day would ever come

six years and three months have passed since you last talked to hongjoong. five years and ten months have passed since you moved in with mingi. five years and seven months have passed since you gave birth to your daughter. not even a day has passed since you last missed the man that had once been your everything.

this was your first halloween with your daughter, and it had been neither your nor her idea to celebrate, actually. instead, ‘the best uncle on earth’ (as mingi commonly called himself) had insisted that she now was big enough and that she deserved the candy. you knew, though, that he wanted to dress up more than her, and that he’d most definitely steal your candy, at least. he had a massive sweet spot for your child, so her candy might be safe. might. or you might just have to lock it away. 

you couldn’t be mad at him, though - he was the only one that had been there for you when you got pregnant, that had been there when you’d given birth, that had made it possible, through rigid scheduling and his parents’ money, for you to finish your degree even though you had a daughter at home. it was weird because you hadn’t even really been close before your world came crashing down, but he proved himself to be the biggest help you could ever have asked for. so maybe, he was actually the best uncle on earth.

“are you ready?” of course it was mingi screaming, not your daughter. you’d insisted that she wouldn’t get to go trick-or-treating until she was five, because you knew not everyone was sensible enough to remember that there were small children outside that would get deadly scared at the kind of decoration some people found to be appropriate, and you wanted to prevent her from getting traumatised by random severed hands. but that had also meant that mingi had had to wait for five years to get to have a good excuse for why he got dressed up and excited like this.

“you look ridiculous”, you laughed at the tall man who had proudly told you he’d be a werewolf but looked more like a werepuppy.

“i don’t need your approval when i have toive’s!”, he told you, sticking his tongue out at you despite being 27 years of age. “and she said i look very scary and that she trusts me to protect her from all the bad and evil vampires! now get ready, we want to go!”

you smiled contentedly as you put on your black lipstick, the last little touch needed for your witch costume. you really were glad to have mingi, to have someone that could at least somewhat fill in the role of toive’s father. he made sure that your daughter never lacked anything and, admittedly, spoiled her a little much sometimes, but it was okay because it was done with love.

“done. let’s go?” both the werepuppy and the little piratess that barely reached up to mingi’s waist nodded enthusiastically, and you grabbed the big plastic bags that you’d spent the day painting to look more halloween-y and less grocery store-y.

going trick-or-treating was more fun than you’d expected it to be, your daughter scoring more candy than mingi and you combined by threatening every single person on whose doorbell you rang with having them go on the plank if they didn’t hand over all their candy.

“it’s unfair”, your best friend whined out when toive had once more scored twice the amount of candy as him and you combined, “when she threatens people it’s cute but if i threaten people i bet they’d call the police!”

“that’s because you’re a giant that could break my arm without effort”, you explained to him, laughing at his exasperation. it was just candy, but you knew he had a sweet tooth - she’d probably gotten it from him, even though they weren’t even related. bad influence. but it was cute, too, how happy and excited they both were, the excitement carrying over to you even though you’d insisted you weren’t a fan of halloween at all. but how could you not get excited when both of them were near vibrating with joy? your two favourite people were having so much fun and seeing them happy was all you needed to be happy yourself.

that happiness didn’t last long, however, when you rang on another doorbell, not thinking much of the surname ‘kim’ - near half of south korea’s population was called kim, so it didn’t even occur to you that it might be a very specific kim, a kim whose condom had ripped six years ago and had subsequently caused you not only the hardest time in your life but also more happiness than you’d ever thought possible once your little darling was born. a kim whom you’d never even told, because he’d had to move away before you even found out you were pregnant, and whom you didn’t want to hold back from his dream, so you just broke things off with him instead, claiming you were going back to finland. but it was this very specific kim, it was kim hong joong who opened the door for you and sent your heart into a frenzy.

“shit!”, you cursed out as soon as you saw his face, recognised him even behind his eye patch and fake beard, momentarily forgetting that your daughter very much should not be hearing curses yet, but luckily mingi got your back.

“shiny lights!”, he chimed in as soon as he heard the first few letters of the inappropriate word leaving your lips, successfully distracting toive from the fact that you were incredibly out of it, pointing to all the little lanterns in hongjoong’s garden. her eyes lit up, admiring the pumpkins he’d carved, and you were grateful that he’d put so much effort into decorating his lawn because it distracted her enough for you to have a few moments to collect yourself.

“y/n?” of course he’d recognised you, too, it would’ve been too good to be true if he hadn’t. and then his eyes went to mingi and toive, and you started panicking. he couldn’t accurately guess how old she was, but your reaction and the way you’d broken things off without ever even having hinted at you wanting to go back to europe back then made him suspect that she was his.

“your daughter?”, he asked, and you thanked the heavens that he had enough common sense to be silent so she’d not hear. you just nodded, not trusting your voice right now, and his next question sent even more panic jolting through your body.

“mine?”

now you had to talk, because she was here and mingi wouldn’t be able to distract her forever, and you couldn’t sort all this now. you couldn’t.

“not now. i’ll give you my number and you can text me, and we’ll meet tomorrow or something, but please, for her, not now.” and because he was still as kind and understanding as he’d always been he nodded, getting out his phone and saving your contact before getting your darling’s attention, pretending he didn’t have any kind of connection to you or her.

“hey, little pirate! have you found a treasure yet?” she turned around with so much energy that she’d have landed on her butt if mingi hadn’t caught her, then she came back to where you were still standing at the door.

“you’re a pirate, too!” she admired his big hat and the plastic sword dangling from his side, and he nodded.

“the scariest pirate in all of the seven seas. i have so many treasures i don’t even know what to do with them all. would you do me a favour and take a little gold from me, mate?” and he leaned down with a smile, holding the bowl filled with chocolate gold coins out to her.

“can i?” she looked up at you with the biggest puppy eyes and you couldn’t help the smile spreading on your face. and hongjoong noticed it, too, noticed the fond expression and his heart hurt a little at the thought that this precious little gem might be his daughter, and at the memory of the heartbreak he’d gone through back then.

“but you need to ask the captain how much you can take”, you told her and her little head bobbed up and down as she nodded enthusiastically.

“captain, sir, how much gold may i take?” and she was so precious that he was about to just hand her the entire bowl. but the last little bit of reason left in him told him that then he’d not have anything for the other kids that would inevitably come, so he had to restrain himself.

“how about you two swordfight and the winner decides?”, mingi suggested, mainly just wanting to buy you some time to check up on you. he knew that hongjoong was the father, of course he knew, and he knew that the man didn’t know. so this situation had to be really hard on you.

he didn’t know if it was because hongjoong sensed what he wanted to do or if he really just wanted to play more with toive, but he immediately agreed, getting out his sword to fight the little piratess, ‘arg’s and ‘urg’s to be heard from them while mingi put his hand on your shoulder before pulling you into a hug.

“you okay?”, he asked quietly, and you nodded, even though you weren’t sure if you actually were.

“he didn’t make me talk it out now, so that’s all i could ask for. i’ll probably have to tell him tomorrow”, you all but whispered into his shoulder, holding his biceps tightly to ground yourself a little as you felt the panic hit you again.

“you know he’s nice. and if he isn’t, i’ll beat his ass.” and had it been anyone else you’d thought this threat was just to make you feel better, but because you’d lived with this man for so long now you knew that he absolutely would.

“thanks”, you said before disattaching yourself, walking back to where the two pirates were still fighting. but when hongjoong saw you come back he took the final blow, sinking to the ground as if he’d received a deadly hit.

“you were a worthy opponent, little pirate. now it is up to you how much gold you will take from me.” and toive’s eyes shone brighter than the lamps surrounding you and the fake gold in his bowl as she put both her little hands in and grabbed as much as she could take - which, admittedly, wasn’t much, so mingi decided to help out because his hands were about as big as your head.

“you won, you deserve the reward”, he told your daughter as he scooped an entire handfull into her bag. he glared at hongjoong as he did so, a warning to not fuck up, and suddenly he did look like a werewolf rather than an adorable werepuppy. but his expression softened as soon as he looked at your darling that was his darling just as much, and the other man could tell that he cared. so at least the girl hadn’t had to miss out on anything.

you left for the next house soon after, your daughter and her costume twin ‘arrr mate’ing at each other, and again the tall man proved to be your hero as he pointed at another decoration to get her attention away from you and your ex-love for a little so you could decently say goodbye, because he could tell you needed that.

“i’ll text you soon”, hongjoong told you, and you nodded.

“thank you.” he knew for what. for not causing a scene even though he had all right to, technically, because your daughter didn’t have to see that. shouldn’t have to see that. and then you left, again, and he felt his heart break just a little as your form disappeared.

it was thanks to the werewolf that the night continued to go smoothly until it was time to head home, and he tucked toive into bed while you took a moment to yourself in the bathroom, wiping off your makeup as you tried to calm your rapid heartbeat. then you joined the two of them in her room, pressing a little kiss onto her forehead and promising that you’d hexed all the bad dreams so they couldn’t haunt her, and mingi promised her that he’d bite any vampire that tried to come close.

once she’d fallen asleep you left for the living room, him staying by your side as you grabbed your phone, knuckles white from the force you used as you gripped it. he put a hand on your leg in comfort as you unlocked it, and of course hongjoong had already messaged.

[unknown]: this is hongjoong

[unknown]: tomorrow, 10am, playground?

[unknown]: /location/

you sighed, then replied.

[y/n]: you know im not bringing toive

and his message appeared almost immediately after, as if he’d been staring at his phone ever since he first texted you.

[unknown]: yeah

[unknown]: but i remember you liked them. said they were calm

he was right. even before your daughter had lit up the playground with her bright smile you’d loved spending time there, sitting on the swings and staring up at the sky whenever you had something to talk about. that feeling had never left, even though you now had yet another reason to love playgrounds.

[y/n]: ill be there

and even though hongjoong wanted nothing more in that moment than to tell you that he missed you he knew he shouldn’t, so he left you on read instead, though both his thoughts and his heart were racing.

while he hadn’t been able to await the next day it came all too soon for you, and mingi once more promised that if hongjoong pulled any shit he’d beat his ass into next week. he was babysitting toive today, had promised her a movie and candy day so she wouldn’t miss you, and you couldn’t be more grateful to have him. maybe she didn’t have a father, and you didn’t have a partner, but the two of you had him, and he more than made up for it, even though it had cost him several dates. you were his priority, and you loved him for that.

the man was already waiting at the playground when you arrived, early as always and beautiful as always. he wasn’t wearing the pirate costume today, but neither were you dressed up as a witch, both of you looking casual but differently so. he looked purposefully casual, while you looked like you’d rolled out of bed and just put on whatever, dressed just to not be naked. and that was a pretty good representation of your emotional state - you just came here completely unprepared, you came because you had to. and you were scared.

“hey”, he greeted you quietly, but instead of greeting back you just burst out: “she’s yours.”

there was a moment of tense silence before he replied.

“i already guessed so. from the way you were acting.” you nodded; there wasn’t really anything to say to that, anyway.

“you’re doing alright? mingi’s taking care of you?” of course he remembered mingi, the goofy tall guy that you’d spent quite some time with, but he knew you hadn’t been as close to him back then as you obviously were now. he got an explanation though when you began talking.

“yeah, he’s been there ever since i found out. big scary guy, threatening aura, keeping me from the worst when i couldn’t really hide it anymore. he let me move in right away and he’s basically like a dad for toive now.”

it was a lot of information to take in at once, so he tried to find something small to focus on.

“her name’s toive?”

“it means ‘wish’”, you elaborated. “i was horrified as shit the entire pregnancy, so i hadn’t even come up with a name yet when i delivered. but as soon as i saw her i knew she was a wish come true. so i just called her that.”

“it’s a beautiful name.” you knew it was. it reminded you of the home you’d left behind to build yourself a new one, and it reminded you that sometimes the most unexpected things could be what your heart wished for. it reminded you to keep going, because you wanted to make her every wish come true. it was a very fitting name.

“she’s a beautiful girl.”

you saw him smile at that, smile at the memory of the little piratess he’d fought with the night before. but then he asked the question you’d dreaded most.

“why didn’t you ever tell me? you know i would’ve been there for you.”

a sigh left your lips, because of course you knew. and that was exactly why you hadn’t told him.

“when i found out you’d already moved. you were thriving and i couldn’t bring myself to hold you back like this. you deserved to live your life as you wanted to without having to worry about a family you never asked for.”

“did you ask for it?”, he asked you, and you shook your head. as much as you loved the little family you’d built with mingi, you hadn’t asked for this to happen.

“and would you want to go back to change this?” you shook your head again, and he grabbed your hand.

“so why do you think i would’ve regretted it? would’ve not wanted to know?”

you had no answer to that. maybe because back then you’d still been convinced the pregnancy would ruin your life, so it didn’t occur to you that he might not feel the same way. that he genuinely might want to be there.

“can i be there now?”

“you can get to know her, if you want to. but she doesn’t know you, doesn’t know who you are, and i’ll have to figure out how to tell her. so you can’t be there as her dad, not yet and maybe never, if she doesn’t want you in her life. if you can’t accept that, if you can’t put her first, i don’t want you there.”

he took in your words and nodded. he’d last seen you six years ago, so obviously she’d spent quite some time without knowing about him at all, and he knew he couldn’t just barge in and act like he’d been there all her life. he was a stranger, even though that hurt a little.

“does she have a dad?” and even though his phrasing was a little weird you understood what he meant. he wanted to know if mingi was her father, if not legally or physically then emotionally.

“she has an uncle that would lay down the world for her. and that won’t hesitate to break a few bones if she gets hurt, just so you know.” but you were smiling, finally starting to relax a little.

“i don’t doubt it for a second”, he chuckled, “he seemed about ready to kill me at the door. he really cares about you two, doesn’t he?”

you nodded, smile growing bigger at the mention of the taller man, and hongjoong felt a small sting when you told him how you’d never want to miss him, how mingi was as much a part of your life as toive was, how it was so clear that you belonged together.

“do you love him?” he didn’t know why he asked. he didn’t know why he hoped you’d say no. he didn’t know why he cared and he didn’t know why the thought of you being with mingi made his chest feel tight. he hadn’t seen or talked to you in years, so why did he hope that he still held a place in your heart? why did you still hold a place in his?

“i do, of course i do”, you told him, at least as surprised at his question as he was. “he’s like a brother, he’s been there all this time and it’s only thanks to him that i’m where i am today. but i don’t love him the way i loved you, if that’s what you meant.”

“you loved me?”

you didn’t understand why he sounded so startled about that. the two of you had gotten together pretty much right after you started university, and you’d been together for more than a year when he moved, planning to stay together for many more until life decided that it had other plans. of course you’d loved him. part of you still did.

“you were the first person i ever wanted a future with like that. of course i loved you. you meant everything to me.”

“i wish you’d never left.” his voice was very quiet, pained, made you want to hold him and apologise, but you didn’t know if that’d be okay with him.

“i missed you everyday. even yesterday, i still missed you. it’s dumb, but even though it’s been six years i still hoped you’d somehow come back into my life. and here you are, so maybe it’s not that dumb.”

now there was no stopping your arms from going around his waist, your face pressed to that one spot between his neck and his shoulder that had always felt like it was made for this purpose only, as you quietly told him you’d missed him too.

“it was so hard to watch toive grow up to be more and more like you but not having you there to see it, too. when she’d start asking about her dad and i could only tell her stories even though i knew she wanted a real dad, like all the other kids. and all the stories i told, they kept me from ever getting over you, but i knew it wouldn’t be fair to keep even that from her just because i was hurting.”

hongjoong was holding you tightly, a hand in your hair and the other pressing you against his chest because he didn’t want you to go again.

“let me be a dad. and let me be there for you too.”

his words made you look up at him in surprise, because they sounded so soft and gentle and full of an emotion you didn’t think you’d ever get from him again, not directed towards you, at least.

“for me?”

and he was looking at you, eyes wandering from your forehead to your chin, not leaving out a single detail. you’d matured, but you were still just as beautiful.

“i didn’t stop loving you. still haven’t.”

his words surprised you, even though you hadn’t stopped loving him either. you didn’t know what to make of them, what he wanted you to do now. what he’d expected to happen now that he’d said this.

“can i kiss you?” of course he asked. he was still the same hongjoong, the same gentleman, the same man that always made sure whatever he was doing was okay with you before he tried, and he still caused the same butterflies to fly around in your stomach. but now you had someone else to put first, you couldn’t risk falling back in love with him, hopelessly so, only for it to end badly. you couldn’t risk that when you had a child.

“only if you mean it. and not just now, but every single day. only if you can promise that you won’t hurt me and, most importantly, that whatever happens between us won’t ever hurt my daughter. our daughter. can you promise that?”

“i promise.” and he’d never been more sure of anything.

“then kiss me.”

he did. he kissed you like you were the most precious thing in the world and he kissed you as if he wanted to prove that he meant it, that he loved you and had already fallen in love with his daughter and that he’d even learn to love mingi as part of his family. he kissed you as if to make up for the past six years when he couldn’t, and you kissed him back as if to make up for every moment you’d kept his daughter from him. you kissed each other like you were in love, and you were.

and finally, you got the happy ending you’d been wishing for ever since you first saw the positive pregnancy test. finally, you got a family with the love of your life. and finally, he got to stay with you.

[footballxwrites]

Ridiculously in love with your writing so giving another one😂

So read reports that Christian pulisic maybe going back to the bundesliga to play for Bayern so maybe you could write one on that where he feels guilty for not having been able to probably make it work in Chelsea. He’s been with his fiance since they were like 12 and she’s a British citizen and an arsenal fan so she was definitely the happiest when they moved to london as because she runs her own company and their main office is in London. Christian feels like a crap fiancé also because now she’ll have to travel up and down every other week like she did when they were in Dortmund, and she’s done and sacrificed so much for him and he couldn’t even make it work so she can be in her hometown for once and also be with her family, plus they’re looking to start a family so this travelling business and not having grandparents around the corner isn’t ideal either. With all this plus not starting games plus family stuff weighing him down, he starts to be distant from her and she obviously notices. She gives him a bit of space at the beginning but then quickly realises that they should talk about it like they always have in their relationship. So she brings it up and he lets out everything and she’s like “ don’t be stupid, I want the best for your career and if that’s in freaking Finland well go there, you’ve had a tough year and not the ideal start to your time at Chelsea ans that’s okay. Everyone has set backs but we need to make a comeback so we’re gonna do what’s best for you and then go from there. Europe is small and London to Munich or wherever it is isn’t too bad at all, plus you know I genuinely like travelling for work. And when the kids come we’ll just figure out a schedule that puts them first and have you seen our parents, they’re gonna be coming and seeing us all the time. It’s fine, we’re gonna be fine, you’re gonna be just fine” and then Christian is just crying by then because how did he get so lucky blah blah blah... can’t wait for this one xxxxxx

Long Distance Love ♡

𝖧𝖺𝗁𝖺 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗇𝗄 𝗒𝗈𝗎! 𝖨 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗋𝖾𝗊𝗎𝖾𝗌𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝖨 𝗁𝗈𝗉𝖾 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝖺𝗅𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍 (𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗂𝗍 𝗆𝖺𝗄𝖾𝗌 𝗌𝖾𝗇𝗌𝖾 𝗅𝗈𝗅)...𝗈𝗇𝗅𝗒 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗂𝗌 𝖨 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗅𝖽𝗇’𝗍 𝖻𝖾 𝖻𝗈𝗍𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝗉𝖾𝗅𝗅 𝖼𝗁𝖾𝖼𝗄 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗌𝗈 𝖺𝗇𝗒 𝗆𝗂𝗌𝗍𝖺𝗄𝖾𝗌 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗈𝗍𝖺𝗅𝗅𝗒 𝗈𝗇 𝗆𝖾 😅𝗑

January 10 2021

Suddenly, you felt him stir slightly, readjusting his arms that were snaked around your body, which made your head shoot up to gaze at him, seeing his eyes fluttering open and a lazy smile creep upon his lips as he leaned into a kiss. His arms were quick to pull your waist against his so your head was flat on his chest, listening to the peaceful sound of his heartbeat, instantly making you feel at home. You little moment was cut short when his phone went off and he rushed out the room with a groan, leaving you annoyed and your heart pounding, having a feeling you knew exactly what the phone call was about, hoping he come back and give you the answer you wanted to hear...

“It’s gone through...the transfer” he sorrily spoke, making your breath hitch in your throat, although knowing it was a high possibility of the move actually happening, a part of you was certain he’d be staying here in central London for at least another year. “Guess you’d better get packing then” you softly laughed, feeling disheartened to say the least, the words of “it’s happening” not being the ones you wanted to fall from his lips, “look can we talk about this properly-“ he began, reaching for your hand as you swiftly dodged his grip and made your way to the bathroom, ready for a complete meltdown about everything, “No I have to get ready for work...while I still have my own business” you trailed off, letting the door close behind you with a slam...

————————————————

January 2 2019

"The real question is, how did I get so lucky?" you giggled before he gently pushed the mug of coffee into your hands while leaning in to plant a small kiss on your forehead. Instantly, that warm feeling flew through your body just from the smallest, loving touch he gave you, it never getting old. “Good morning, beautiful." he mumbled against your lips, before wrapping his arms around your neck and resting his head on top of yours, “and a very good morning to you handsome” you smiled, feeling the most relaxed you’ve felt in a while, lifting your gaze to him, love dancing in your eyes as you leaned in to clasp your mouths together.

"Kissing you never gets old," you mutter softly as you both pull away, Christian flashing you a cheeky grin before spotting his luggage packed and ready for the off beside the front door of your new complex, a sigh falling from his lips, “can’t believe I arrived here a week ago and I’m already flying back to Germany” he frowned, pulling a pout. “It’s only six months and it’ll be over before you know it, I’m not going to lie I will miss living over there, especially the weather” you giggled, messing up his perfectly gelled hair to which you got no thanks for, “hands off, this took ages to do” he said, pretending to be serious and grabbing your hand as if to say ‘go on do it again I dare you’. “I’m gonna miss you, the apartment’s gonna seem empty without you here...and it means I have to build all the flat pack furniture from IKEA myself” you huffed, pointing at the hundreds of cardboard boxes filling the spacious room as he laughed, culling your face and running a finger along your cheek, “you’ll be fine, we’ll FaceTime every night and whenever we have a minute spare because you’re gonna be busy as hell now...my super business woman” he winked as you shook your head, still not quite believing you actually own a company, like a whole ass company belonged to you and it was mad to just even picture it.

“Ah shut up, you’re making me blushing Mr Pullisic, now go before you miss that flight of yours” you grinned, going in for one last peck while shoving him out the door with a struggle, feeling like his clingy self wasn’t ever gonna leave, “I love you, see you in half a year” he happily said, grabbing his many cases and walking out, letting the door gently fall closed...

——————————————————

July 1 2019

The classic iPhone ping went off as an incoming text message lit up your phone screen, instantly opening the pic attachment of him saying ‘en route’ which meant he was on his way and by god you couldn’t wait to just see him in person after all this time. He barely got through the front door before you took a leap, linking your legs around his torso as his hands secured under your thighs to carry your weight. Squeezing him tight, you rested your head in the crook of his neck, enjoying his presence as a laugh escaped his lips, “missed me just a bit?” he stupidly asked, not even bothering to let you answer before smashing his lips on yours for the first time what felt like in forever.

Gently tapping your legs, he slowly placed you feet on the ground and then cupped your face, pulling you in for another long, loving kiss, “so how’s everything been then, and by the way you’ve done a good job decorating this place” he nodded, eyes gazing at all the modern interior, “funny you asked, I managed to open two more branches this week, one in Gateshead up north and the other in Manchester!” you exclaimed letting out a small squeal, not able to control your excitement any longer as his eyes went wide with joy. “I didn’t think you could make me any prouder but I guess I was wrong eh” he gushed, heading over to sort out his cases, “I’m saying the same about you” you laughed as he pulled out a couple man of the match awards along with a jersey signed by all the teammates. “It felt strange to say goodbye to them after all these years...but it’s time for a fresh start, here in London with Chelsea Fc and with you” he whispered, excited for the new chapter in your lives to finally begin.

——————————————————

The next year could only be described as perfect for the both of you, his career taking off and loving every moment at the club, getting along with everyone in the dressing room and then loving the fans and atmosphere within the stadium, and knowing you were in the stands somewhere cheering on your ‘captain America’ made it all the more special. As for you, your company was doing beyond amazing, going from National to world wide, owning buildings in Dubai, Spain and you’ll never guess where, Germany. Your main branch was of course London, where the company was founded and to which was the office you managed and were based at, meaning you rarely visited the abroad ones but you weren’t complaining, with you being a London gal to be in your home city with your own bloody business was unimaginable, not to mention you were only a 20 mins drive from your family.

Oh yeah and he popped the question about four months into the move on your eight year anniversary which you of course said yes to, already having planned out your dream wedding, the pair of you agreeing to have it here rather than America with work and travel and all that malarkey.

For the first time in ages, it all seemed to be coming together for yous...

———————————————————

January 10 2021

8 hours later and the two of you hadn’t spoken all day, with him going off to what you assumed was his last training session and proceeding to ignore you and your many questions, you decided to go to work too, trying to get this whole moving countries once again after only one fucking year back home thing off your mind.

“Right that’s it, you’re going to talk to me Christian because you must think I’m a mind reader or something and I can just tell what’s going in in that brain of yours” you said, stumbling through the door and throwing your keys in the side before throwing yourself on the sofa beside your sad looking boyfriend. “I’m sorry” was all he could say, looking down at the ground leaving you with a confused frown on your face, “enough with the apologies, I just want to know what this means, for us” you sighed, placing a hand on his cheek and giving it a small pinch, hoping it’d put a smile on his lips.

“Well I’m definitely leaving Chelsea, guess not everything works out...but it means I’m back off to Germany” he said as you slowly nodded, “you have to do what’s best for your career, ok?” you smiled, running a hand through his hair as he was quick to shake his head, “no I can’t. I don’t wanna leave you, not again. And anyways we’re supposed to be trying for a baby and that’s going to be a challenge if we’re in different countries don’t you think?” he’s spoke with a slight laughter. “I’m not arguing with you Pullisic, go and sign that contract and get yourself away to Germany to revive your job. I’m not saying I’m going to drop everything and move again because I have my work and life, but I can easily fly out and visit, you’re forgetting I have an office over there. As for kids, we’ll get to that part when it comes around...so just take one step at a time and get on the phone to your agent to tell him you’re taking the transfer” you blurted out with a soft smile, knowing exactly what you were saying and that this was just another step in your life, at the end of the day, life isn’t life without it’s challenges along the way...❤️

———————————————

If you got this far reading it, I hope you enjoyed it! x

@kingkepa @champagne-coys @footballcloud @footballmagical @alexajanecollins @masonmounts @hoely-pavard @hazardybala @jamesmaddiscnx

[tiesandtea]

Mr. Lazy – fanzine interview with Alan Fisher, December 2004

intrepid suede globetrotters elina and sirje conducted this interview with alan fisher, the man about whom songs like "lazy", "high rising", "beautiful loser" and, according to the man himself, "the most of the others as well" have been written. (editor's note: not to suggest that alcohol played any part in this q&a session, but it did take place in alan's local. oh, and in other locations in the uk, plus morocco & finland, in both oral & written forms. anyway, surely worth all the so-called trouble.) no animals, be they cats or terrapins, were harmed during this interview, but a considerable amount of wine bottles did get destroyed.

how long have you known brett? where did you grow up?

i have known brett since i was 16/17 – near on 20 years now. i grew up in sussex, near haywards heath.

how does it feel that so many of brett’s lyrics are about you? (did you ever get the feeling that brett was just kind of observing you or waiting around for you to do something flamboyant so that he could write about it?)

it’s very flattering to know that some lyrics are about me. however i was never aware of brett observing me purposely to get lyrics or ideas for songs. it’s funny because there are so many songs that are very personal to me, and you think some part of the song is about you, and they are not. over the years many friends who have been in close contact with brett and the music think that songs are about them, because of various lyrical content. i think brett has ability to take elements from friends’ lives or chapters and create a story blended together, a fusion of characters in one song. i remember when i heard “the big time” and the last line – “now we’re in the big time and you’re in the way” i was extremely put out, i took it very personally. i thought it referred to me, but luckily it didn’t. however i’m pleased to say that my favourite song has to be “lazy”. the original version i think went like this – “here they come with their make up on as lovely as the birds come and see them” which i think is very beautiful. which changed to “here they come gone 7 am bla bla bla”, which was about being up all night, then putting on make up so as to hide the effects of being on a bender, and going down to off-license to buy cornflakes and bottles of red wine.

what was the best experience traveling with suede? (what happened in las vegas?)

difficult question, as i’ve had many amazing experiences on tour with suede. two very contrasting escapades were one journey in japan, and one on the west coast of america. brett and myself had the fortunate experience of visiting a buddhist temple in japan called the “moss gardens”. we visited a temple that was so beautiful and peaceful, and the entire gardens were immersed in moss with beautiful ponds and waterfalls. we sat in the temple and wrote a mantra admist buddhist chanting, which i believe influenced the song “introducing the band”. the other experience was a trip to la, san francisco and las vegas. i seem to remember i hadn’t been to bed for a few days, and when i was there i didn’t sleep much for various reasons. we stayed at a friend’s house in beverly hills called michiko, a house of pure opulence, with plenty of alcohol and other fineries. i seem to remember that towards the end (in vegas) brett wouldn’t let me sleep – just more alcohol. and i think that when i went to bed brett checked to make sure i was alive.

what will/do you miss the most about suede?

the thing i miss the most about suede is being around when a great song is created. i’d come home and brett would say “i’ve got it.”, some missing song on the album and consequently we would stay up night after night listening to the same song over and over – the poor neighbours.

at what part of his career was brett at his happiest?

when he was writing happy songs. actually i don’t think brett ever made happy songs. only joking! i don’t know when brett was actually the happiest. i think maybe when the band first started and the first album came out, that’s when he realised his dreams were coming true.

has brett being famous ever bothered you?

brett being famous has never bothered me; in fact it’s been quite a relief; it’s taken the limelight away from me.

fame can and has certainly changed many people who obtain it. how do you think it's affected brett over the years? has it affected your friendship?

i don’t think fame has changed brett’s fundamental characteristics, obviously it has shaped his life aspects like walking down the street, or having a drink in pub. i think living with me for so long has definitely fucked him up.

is there a lot of divergence between brett's public persona and the man underneath it all?

not really. he’s the same complex, passionate and artistic character at home and on stage, i don’t know about the bedroom though!!

how were the new band members really welcomed?

some dreadful, unmentionable initiation ceremonies.

was brett & bernard getting back together a surprise for you? how do you like the new material? how about brett’s solo material?

not really; they had a magic chemistry together that never really fulfilled its potential. and the new stuff is absolutely great! wait and see!!

what's all this about brett meditating? it was mentioned in the love & poison book.

i haven’t actually read love & poison, which is extremely lame of me, eventually i will. however, i think brett has some interest in meditating, maybe from visiting japan’s buddhist temples and being influenced by their way of living, zen and all that.

is brett good at pub quizzes?

brett, i could imagine, is very good at pub quizzes if he entered them. they have a quiz at our local pub, i think brett and mat osman entered once, and came a very admirable second place, which is no mean feat, because it’s a very professional affair in that establishment.

have there been times when brett did something you wish he hadn't? musical decisions or anything.

i can’t think of anything that resembles a mistake or regret in terms of musical direction. over the years, artists are faced with monumental decisions to make in terms of artistic development; single releases; band commitment and general themes for the forthcoming albums. however, i think brett has the ability to listen to other people’s opinions as well as his own, to come up with the best viable decision. considering the turbulent times of drug taking and various band members coming and going, i don’t think he’s done too badly.

how posh is brett?

how posh is brett – what a strange question – in fact the hardest one i’ve ever been asked! – not at all. crikey, well for somebody that came from a council house and bought second hand records/clothes. he now drinks tea at 4 o’clock in proper bone china tea cups – doesn’t get any posher than that. oh! and he has a butler called jessica rabbit.

does he watch sports on tv?

well it has to be football, brett hates posh sports like cricket & rugby (un)like me. he is very obsessive over the england football team, ipswich and manchester united (because that’s my team, and i always cry when they lose).

what's brett's best quality?

brett’s best quality is having good taste in friends and good taste in music, i.e., suede.

and his worst?

i can’t think of his worst qualities, but i remember the worst thing living with him, he would always become too comfortable on the sofa which would mean i would have to rewind the suede demos and go out and get another bottle of wine from the off-license.

we're sorry this is all about suede/brett... when we start an alan fanzine we’ll interview you about yourself... ok?

ok.

tell us a secret

my favourite colour is black.

how much do suede lie in the interviews? (if you read them)

i’m too busy to read suede interviews, i’ve got my own press cuttings to examine.

what do you think brett would have become without suede?

i’m sure it would have only been with some musical compaction. however, our living arrangements would have resembled something out of “the servant”.

what about you? how much has suede affected you?

suede were the most important thing in my life. as my girlfriend just put it a moment ago whilst i was writing this, it’s like going out with three people: her, me and suede. as i tell her, it could have been worse: i could have been friends with ronan keating.

do you love us? what do you think of suede fans in general? a lovely bunch on whole, or have you had some harrowing experiences with obsessed loonies?

well, i’m a suede fan myself, so i would have to say they are great. obsessed loonies? i am one; i have been stalking brett for 20 years, but he doesn’t realise.

there are lots of mentions of yours and brett's drug use in l&p. is this an accurate characterization of the state of affairs or did it get glammed up a bit for press?

it’s all a myth, i once smoked a joint with brett, it was really far out man! oh, and i snorted some glue at a dinner party once, it was so chic.

tell us something about suede that we don't know.

they are a figment of your imagination!!

tell us something about brett that we don't know.

i know something extremely juicy, real top gossip. but you’re going to have to wait to see whether he meets my blackmail demands.

if you were an animal, what kind of animal would he be? what kind of animal would brett be?

brett refers to me as an electrocuted rabbit, something similar to the mad hatter in alice in wonderland. i think brett would be a very feline cat.

speaking of cats, they tend to go missing, don’t they?

we had a cat called meisk – when brett was on tour it went missing. when i found it on the street, i thought it had a cold because it had a funny meow – it turned out to be the wrong cat. i remember brett was extremely pissed off. we had another cat called sphinx that was an incredibly lively character, it had a long run up – then produced its claws and wham!!

have you ever been arrested?

yes! on several occasions, on suspicion of being sinister and bad influence on society.

dave thompson’s yet-to-be-published suede-book, an armchair guide to suede, includes this: 

"‘young men’ developed out of lyrics written for a joke band, the bruisers, that anderson, his flatmate alan and a hairdresser friend named gary hatched one evening;"

can you tell us anything more about this?

after one crazy night early in the morning we had this inspiration to form a band based on idea of national front skinheads with the title song “british bulldog”. brett and gary were both very amusing and inventive with songs like “santa ain’t a wanker” etc.

besides that, have you ever been musically inclined or in a band yourself?

after hearing brett playing an instrument called the melodica, something like a mouth organ with a pipe attached to it, waking me every morning, it put me off music for life.

what other music are you into besides suede?

sigue sigue sputnik and mozart.

have you and brett ever had a fist fight? have you ever fought over who does the shopping or cleans the toilet or whose dirty plates are in the sink?

we have never had a fist fight in 20 years. however, we once had a duel at sunrise over who was the vainest.

that’s it then. say something nice. or mean. whatever you like. thanks!

stop asking me questions about brett, and more about myself!

Source: Pornographic & Tragic, the official Suede fanzine, issue 2 (December 2004).

[ryttu3k]

Night Road quote text dump, because I've been deluging a friend with quotes and want a place to keep them all.

We're a bit like that, yeah:

They direct you to a hulking Malkavian named Severian, and the sullen giant directs you in turn to Gibberish Mike.

Fortunately, it turns out that "Gibberish" Mike is just Australian.

Practical concerns:

"That's it!" Elena says, leaning over your shoulder. "That's his yacht. Oh, and this is all about him. Very useful." She snaps a picture of the email with her phone, then the two of you get out of there before the technician returns. You head down the elevator and then back to Elena's Datsun.

You're so pleased by how well that went that that it takes you a few minutes to remember you're in Arizona.

"His yacht?" you finally ask.

Fun with bungalow ownership:

After a day of fitful dreams, you throw on your leather jacket and engineer boots and get ready for another night. You step outside to check your Integra. A neighbor parks next door in her Ford Super Duty and gives you a friendly little wave. You've been practicing this. You're ready.

"Howdy, neighbor."

"Howdy!" she responds before heading inside.

Fucking nailed it. You're one of them.

This is legitimately how I got the Messy Critical achievement:

You grab a hoe.

You rip through the underbrush with savage efficiency, staying a few steps ahead of the pushcart as Julian scans. You work in a trance, chopping and hammering. Only when you hear Julian shouting do you realize that you're holding a busted length of wood.

The head of your hoe is buried in the beautiful round black door of Prince Lettow's Rolls-Royce.

Raúlblocked:

You head to Raúl's place, but he's not there. You find a note hidden above the door that reads, "Problems in Phoenix. (Jesus Christ has returned? Stole a car?) Contact me right away for major jobs and I'll come back. Already missing you." And there's a ProtonMail address with some of the security contact codes you agreed upon earlier.

But it looks like Raúl will be occupied dealing with the Lord and His automotive crimes, and he won't be able to wander around Tucson with you.

Pattermuster doesn't get paid enough:

"Hello? What? Well, the blood can't be 'everywhere.' Surely that's an exagger—okay—okay, fine. Okay. Okay, I'll get—okay. Five minutes. What? No, Sissy Spacek. No, Sissy—you're thinking of Rosemary's Baby. No, Carrie had the prom scene. With all the pig's—yes, it was Sissy Spacek, I'm sure. That much blood? Jesus. Okay, hold—five—okay, five minutes."

Valid question:

Do they teach ax fighting at Quantico?

Julian Meyer:

"Man, it's been a while," Julian says, leaning against your door frame. "I remember the nights we spent keeping that elder asleep with offerings of blood, the days curled up together in the desert. Wasn't it romantic?"

"That never happened, Julian. You made up our relationship and tried to sell it as a novel until the old Prince of Tucson threatened to execute you." '

"Vampire romance was big at the time," Julian says with a shrug. "And I changed our names. I still don't know why no one wanted to buy it."

Dammit I thought I was done with uni:

"Awful," Dr. Caul says with a little shudder. "But now your real studies can begin."

Your real studies consist of a syllabus (thirty pages) and a trunk full of books (35,000 pages).

"Are you disappointed, Rook?" she says with a little laugh. "Were you expecting something more mystical? A bolt of cosmic enlightenment? A conversation with your Holy Guardian Angel, who would reveal the answers you seek?" She bangs the trunk as technicians get ready to load it into your car. "Get reading."

An enthusiastic boss:

You reunite with Pattermuster down in the morgue, where he's pumping his fists as a thin-blood on a gaming laptop watches with a worried expression because she can't tell if he's incredibly happy or insanely mad.

"Rook!" Pattermuster shouts, his eyes full of Blood, "you did it! You brilliant child, you did it! We're safe. Oh, thank God, we're safe." He pulls you into an embrace, then punches a brick wall because he's so happy, showering all three of you in dust.

I thought that was Finland?:

You catch all sorts of whispered gossip as you cross the rooftop garden.

"Camp Scheffler?"

"Gone. That Outlander courier had something to do with it."

"I heard the Russians helped the SI burn it down."

"That's ridiculous. There's no such thing as Russians."

Pot, kettle:

"Julian," the Eagle Prince says, "you will locate Reremouse with the equipment Vane brought. Once we find him, we will strike shortly before dawn. I have prepared a stake sufficient to pierce even his old hide."

"That easy, huh?" Julian says.

"No, but—"

"Your plan is ridiculous, convoluted, and dangerous," Julian says.

"And you have a better one?"

"Absolutely," Julian says. "We use Stonehenge to teleport him to Mesopotamia."

The must-have appliance:

He's a black outline in the glow of a single yellow bulb... and then the bats descend.

And then the bats get torn to pieces, because Pattermuster pulls his two katanas out of nothing and turns into an undead Cuisinart for a few seconds.

But aesthetic:

Leave it to a vampire to bring a sword to a gunfight.

It is pretty cool though:

"Oh my God," Julian says. "You're going to use the car engine to fling Prometheus into Reremouse's heart."

"Dammit, Julian, I am not doing this because it's fun. I am scrambling for every advantage I can because we only have one chance to stop Reremouse, and if we fail, the Second Inquisition will descend on us like wolves on a wounded deer."

"It's still cool," Julian mutters.

A e s t h e t i c:

The Camarilla looks unkindly on vampires who dress like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, but what's the point of being dead if you can't look the part?

#JustToreadorThings:

You sleep badly and awaken to an aching and acute Hunger that crowds out other thoughts. But when you approach the Rolls-Royce, you find Lettow and Julian seated on a blanket, evidently in fine spirits. They're holding stainless steel mugs as they watch the last purple streaks fade from the western sky. There's something perfect about the composition before you: the two Kindred in their working clothes with their backs to you, the blue-black clouds, the faraway mesas framing the scene.

"I fear we've lost the Aesthete," Lettow muses. "Luka? Luka!"

It's just good sense:

A lot of keypads use 0911 as an emergency override for police and fire. That doesn't work, but a common default password causes the elevator doors to slide right open.

Change your defaults, people.

They draw the line at 31%:

Not all problems can be solved by putting a brick through a window, but at least 30 percent can.

Descriptive:

That's when your Nissan makes a sound like a bunch of typewriter keys dropped in a blender, and the whole truck lurches to a halt.

Munch munch:

"There are tags attached to all the payroll numbers," you say. "FNMA. PFC. What are they?"

"FNMA?" Antonio says. "That's Fannie Mae. The loan commission. Privatized in 1968. PFC…"

"Pavlodar Fried Chicken," Janet says. "Damn Commies."

Courier what did you do:

When you try to start your Mercedes, it vomits black smoke. That's not good. You kill the engine.

"Pop the hood," Julian says. "I'll get it up and running."

He checks the motor. There's a long pause.

"Did you melt a bunch of cheese in here or something, Vane?"

“I remember crawling out of a Nieuport 20 outside Gibraltar," Prince Lettow says. "The engine looked like that. Of course, ours had been on fire."

"Engine looks like Vane fed a bunch of sardine cans into a paper shredder," Julian says.

Almost!:

So Lettow is cute. I'm going to talk to him and see if he might be interested in a handsome young courier who almost has his own car.

Scientist life:

A beaker of cold coffee on her desk has a pencil in it; she flicks the pencil away and drains the entire beaker, then looks you in the eyes.

Domesticity:

"Wow, Vane," the Banu Haqim says, "did you finally settle down. Where's the wife and kids? Why don't you get me a beer, and we can talk about football and quote some Bible verses at each other?"

I really want to know where the fake werewolf came in:

"...so the whole fucking Cadillac is on fire, and I'm kicking and kicking, trying to get the window to break!" Dove says.

"Right, right, because —" You're trying to follow this story, and it isn't easy.

"Because I'm still handcuffed to the guy who was pretending to be a werewolf, right. And I finally kick through the window, rip half the dead fake werewolf's arm off to get free — I'm out of my fucking mind now, with all the fire — and I finally crawl out of the car."

"And get clear before it — do they blow up?"

"Escalades? I dunno, probably not," Dove says. "But anyway, I'm finally clear, so I run across the parking lot, laughing because I'm just thrilled not to have met final death chained up to that guy. And I barely have time to look up before Lettow comes screaming around the corner in a Ford Bronco with the lights off and runs me over. I was in the wrong Cadillac the whole time."

"No!"

"Two black Cadillac Escalades in the parking lot of the Marriott," Dove says. "How was I supposed to know which one — anyway, that's why I don't get to drive anymore. That's why Lettow wants assholes like you driving."

"Driving what?" you ask. "Because I need a car."

Dove shakes her ugly head. "I'll get you something. Give me a few hours to work on it, and I'll send someone to find you."

Cars are everything:

You still don't know how Julian plans to go from "divert a few funds and data streams from the Camarilla" to "transform the global information panopticon in a way that ends the Masquerade but keeps vampires safe," but he has a nicer car than last time, so he must be doing something right.

Guys please be nice to Raul:

"There appears to be a vampire hunter outside," he says, "investigating your electric vehicle."

"Send your bird to peck his eyes out," Julian says. "I'm not going outside until I find my sneakers."

Cheese?:

Over the next few minutes, you cough up a glorious wad of bullshit involving MKUltra, the Philadelphia Experiment, Star Wars (the movie), Star Wars (the Reagan-era government program), Jackson Pollack's CIA connections, the history of federal cheese, and the secret mastermind behind the seventies gas crunch.

In fairness it's a pretty rare sound:

You're way up in Limberlost, near the mall and the Walmart, when Riga settles on the roof of a Safeway. You reverse into the parking lot in case you need to get out fast and scan the cars at the pumps. It looks quiet. Then you hear a faint ringing.

The sound is musical, hypnotic. It reminds you of your childhood, and for a long time you just sit there in the driver's seat, remembering what it was like to be alive. But what is that sound? What memory from…?

Oh, right.

The pay phone next to the ice merchandiser is ringing.

It's a skill!:

Not every member of Clan Toreador joins their august ranks because of their great beauty or artistic genius. Some people end up vampires because of their extensive knowledge of Adobe After Effects.

Big Pirates of the Caribbean energy:

"I'd kind of like to give Lettow here a horse and a sword and let him tear through an entire police barracks," Julian says. "Tell me that wouldn't be fun."

"One thing I learned from Napoleon," Lettow says, "is that the most powerful cannon is useless if you cannot see your target. We know the location of one small encampment. That isn't enough to start shooting."

"You knew Napoleon?" Julian asks.

"Napoleon was my horse," Lettow says.

[tabloidtoc]

National Enquirer, December 28

You can buy a copy of this issue for your very own at my eBay store: https://www.ebay.com/str/bradentonbooks

Cover: Ghislaine Maxwell scandal explodes 

Page 2: George Clooney was rushed to the hospital after rapidly dropping 28 pounds to play an ailing astronomer in his latest movie The Midnight Sky and the harrowing incident has infuriated worried wife Amal Clooney -- George’s scare came when he was diagnosed with life-threatening pancreatitis days before he was scheduled to start filming on a glacier in Finland -- Amal was unhappy and angry that he put his health on the line for the role and she was also furious because this wasn’t the first time the father of her twins has been in harm’s way and she’s demanding he take better care of himself so he’ll be around to care for his kids 

Page 3: Lori Loughlin’s deluded daughter Olivia Jade Giannulli is clueless over the college admissions scandal that landed her parents in jail and believes her own hype according to a body language expert -- in an interview on Jada Pinkett Smith’s Red Table Talk Olivia claimed she had no idea posing for pictures on a rowing machine to finagle a crew scholarship to the University of Southern California despite never having practiced the sport was deceitful but body language expert Susan Constantine said Olivia doesn’t appear to have any understanding of the consequences of her actions or those of mom Lori and dad Mossimo Giannulli -- after observing Olivia’s confession Constantine said she didn’t notice any deceptive indicators such as pauses in her speech or shrugging of her shoulders however she labeled Olivia completely unequivocally oblivious which she said made it challenging to judge Olivia’s truthfulness 

Page 4: Lonely Diane Keaton is longing for love and she’s turned to former flame Jack Nicholson for help in landing a new guy -- Diane is truly desperate to find a man and she knows if there’s one person who can help her navigate the dating scene after all this time it’s Jack -- the Oscar-winning actress shocked the world when she recently admitted she hasn’t been on a date in 35 years and she made a joke of it but the pandemic has made her realize how lonely she really is -- Diane would never date Jack again but knows he has a lot of eligible friends who would fit her dating profile 

* Dying Olivia Newton-John worries endlessly about her daughter Chloe and made a touching final request of close pal John Travolta: Please take care of Chloe after I’m gone -- Olivia’s concerns for Chloe spiked after she blasted the COVID-19 vaccine on social media writing that natural medicine is the party she belongs to -- Olivia has been battling stage 4 breast cancer while John lost his wife Kelly Preston to the same disease and John loves and admires Olivia for the way she’s battled this disease and she’s given him the hope and encouragement he needs -- now Chloe’s ongoing issues have pushed Olivia to beg John to pledge he’ll be there for her daughter because Chloe has spent over $450,000 on multiple plastic surgeries including breast enhancements and a nose job and lip enhancements and Botox and she’s also battled anorexia and depression which led to bouts with cocaine and alcohol addiction -- Olivia has always been deeply concerned about who would look out for Chloe if she wasn’t around and now that she can see the end is near she asked John to be that person; he never blinked an eye and said of course 

Page 5: Ozzy Osbourne’s frail and feeble appearance has friends fearing for the rocker but he has no plans to abandon a 2022 comeback even if it kills him -- the 72-year-old singer has battled Parkinson’s disease and crippling nerve damage but has vowed he will die onstage -- nobody disputes he has the heart of a lion and it’s great to see him out and about again recording music and talking the good talk but ultimately Ozzy is a very sickly guy who needs to protect himself and not charge around trying to delude himself by living life at a pace that doesn’t make sense anymore 

Page 6: Rattled reality star Kylie Jenner is living in fear after being terrorized by two crazed fans and is now spending $350,000 a month on a 25-person security detail -- Kylie filed court documents seeking a restraining order against Justin Bergquist who allegedly broke into her $36.5 million California home last month 

Page 7: Lonely Ryan Seacrest may have nearly half a billion bucks in the bank but he’d trade in his riches for another shot at love -- he was so devastated by his breakup with on-again off-again galpal Shayna Taylor last summer he fears he may never find a woman to spend the rest of his life with and he now realizes her put his career before his personal life one too many times and may suffer for it forever -- Ryan’s recent health woes have been a wake-up call and forced him to understand the price he’s paying for taking his partners for granted for so long -- Ryan now realizes life is too short to go it alone and it’s finally dawned on him he’s not invincible and not so self-sufficient after all 

* Miley Cyrus’ admission that she’s had a lot of FaceTime sex has left friends and advisers fearing she may be setting herself up for some unwanted exposure -- though Miley explained she’s turned to virtual hookups to avoid physical contact during the pandemic but she’s putting herself at an entirely different kind of risk and she’s setting herself up as a potential victim of revenge porn 

Page 10: Hot Shots -- Brooke Burke showed off her toned figure in Malibu, Andrew Garfield looked bored on the NYC set of Tick Tick...Boom!, Busy Philipps cleaning, Audrina Patridge and her daughter Kirra on a Beverly Hills playdate 

Page 11: Guy Fieri is eating up heaps of praise for handing out $500 grants to more than 43,000 restaurant workers across the nation -- he scrambled to raise over $21.5 million in seven weeks to help legions of unemployed restaurant laborers who have suffered financially due to the COVID-19 health and economic crisis -- through his new Restaurant Employee Relief Fund Guy personally buttonholed fat cats at cash-rich corporations such as PepsiCo and Uber Eats and Moet Hennessy USA to make donations -- he shows how he did it and shines a light on the industry’s continuing challenges in Restaurant Hustle 2020 a documentary he produced for the Food Network 

* Garth Brooks and Trisha Yearwood are spreading yuletide cheer with their TV holiday special but they’re more interested in ringing cash registers than Christmas bells -- Garth and Trisha rake in $60 million a year from concert ticket sales and CD purchases and merchandising but the couple saw their cash flow slow during the pandemic -- they lost a bunch of money but they had the unique opportunity to do TV specials and grab a big chunk of it back -- while the $10 million they are pocketing for their TV specials won’t make up for what they would have netted on tour it was a sweet stocking stuffer and they both want to get back on the road and really rake it in but TV has made the wait a lot easier 

Page 12: Straight Shuter -- With Beyonce and Taylor Swift facing off for Song of the Year at the upcoming Grammy Awards producers are scrambling to prevent another Kanye West explosion like what happened in 2009

* Killing off The Talk may be the only hope of saving Drew Barrymore’s tanking talk show

* The Real Housewives of New York are treating the first Black cast member Eboni K. Williams with kid gloves because no one wants to come across as racist 

* Niecy Nash and Jessica Betts (picture) 

Page 13: January Jones’ desperate bid for online attention has pals concerned she may be cracking up -- her red-hot career appears to have cooled since Mad Men ended in 2015 and January is dying to land another plum part like Betty Draper but she’s going about it the wrong way -- she’s been posting sexy bikini pictures and leggy dance numbers on Instagram but that’s not the way to catch the eye of casting directors especially with so few shows in production during the COVID-19 lockdown 

* Caitlyn Jenner has reached out to trans actor Elliot Page offering to be his big sister in an opportunistic PR ploy -- while Caitlyn was one of many trans celebs including Jazz Jennings and Geena Rocero to offer Elliot congratulations and support, Caitlyn viewed the announcement as a new opportunity to leap back into the limelight and she believes that by aligning herself with Elliot she can regain her status as an activist and the symbol of transgender rights in Hollywood -- Elliot is happy to listen to Caitlyn’s advice but he’s been navigating his gender issues for years and doesn’t need guidance and he’s not going to be rude but he doesn’t need the help 

Page 14: Crime 

Page 15: A never-before-heard audio recording is of iconic soul singer James Brown’s wish to leave his $100 million fortune to educate poor children -- in the garbled 1999 recording the singer who died suddenly in 2006 called the creation of his I Feel Good foundation his lasting legacy but his precious foundation has not seen a dime because his fortune has remained tied up in court since his death which is the subject of an investigation by the Fulton County, Georgia District Attorney’s office after allegations surfaced that Brown might have been poisoned by someone after his money 

Page 16: American Life 

Page 17: What Shocked and Rocked in 2020 -- the best scoops and stories of the year 

Page 25: Fired Hillsong Church pastor Carl Lentz was so starstruck by his celebrity parishioners he believed he was a star himself and his ego fueled his shocking fall from grace and now he’s getting mental health treatment after being accused of cheating on his wife and getting sacked for moral failures -- Carl tended the trendy megachurch’s New York City flock and regularly rubbed shoulders with celebs including NBA star Kevin Durant and singer Selena Gomez and even once invited Justin Bieber to live with him before being booted by bigwigs but now he’s said to be getting help at an outpatient facility specializing in depression and pastoral burnout but cunning Carl may have made the move simply to revamp his wrecked reputation 

Page 26: Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are heading to couples therapy in a desperate bid to stay together because their marriage is hanging by a thread -- the pair are at each other’s throats as they struggle to adjust to their new life in America -- Harry’s gone from being excited about the move to feeling tortured and it’s like he swapped his royal prison in Britain for a new hell in a $14 million California mansion and he fears he’s made a terrible mistake but Meghan’s ordering him to man up and grab this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make millions away from the monarchy’s suffocating shadow -- the fighting came to a head before the holidays when Harry was feeling especially homesick and guilty about abandoning his family especially his brother Prince William and his grandmother Queen Elizabeth -- adding to their troubles Meghan seems hellbent on staying in the public eye during the pandemic and she masterminded their personal video calls to charities in London and the U.S. and the secret deliveries of meals to the needy but then she made them public and the truth is it’s The Meghan Show now and Harry’s just the side act 

Page 27: A charming Chinese spy bedded two Midwestern mayors and courted other clueless politicians to weasel her way into U.S. government circles -- Chinese national Christina Fang also known as Fang Fang, reportedly entered the U.S. as a college student in 2011 

Page 31: Candice Bergen moaned that at the age of 74 she’s a wreck and that she has a wattle -- Candice admitted to having her eyes done while filming the Murphy Brown reboot because they were very hooded and as for today she knows she should have injections because she has deep lines along her lip but she can’t take the pain 

* Rachael Ray lost her New York home to a blazing inferno but her holidays were salvaged by the warmth of community spirit -- following the devastating fire she and her husband moved into the property’s guesthouse and in a clip on The Rachael Ray Show the emotional host showed off her festively decorated digs and gushed she didn’t know where she’d be without friends and a community and people so dear to her that helped her bring Christmas to life even when you’re not at home 

Page 32: Health Watch -- blood test predicts Alzheimer’s 

Page 34: Longtime lovebirds Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are hoping to make a movie with their whole family -- the star-studded cast would include Goldie’s kids Kate Hudson and Oliver Hudson and the couple’s son Wyatt Russell -- as for filming with the entire gang Goldie gushed that they have thought about it and she’d love to do something with her kids and the grandchildren too 

* Hollywood Hookups -- Kristin Cavallari and Jeff Dye heating up, Malik Beasley and Larsa Pippen dating but Malik’s wife Montana Yao filed for divorce, Chrishell Stause and Keo Motsepe dating 

Page 36: Infamous Hollywood hotel Chateau Marmont has a storied history of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll ever since it opened its doors in 1929 and nearly a century later it hasn’t been tamed -- even during the pandemic the majestic hotel is wild with drunks, overdoses and luckily averted suicide attempts and according to 911 records the debauched celebrity haunt is filled with people having breakdowns -- the Chateau’s crazy days and nights are legendary: it’s where John Belushi died in one of the bungalows in 1982 from a deadly cocaine-heroin concoction 

Page 38: One of the most iconic images from the James Bond films which is a handgun used by Sean Connery in Dr. No has sold for $256,000 at auction in Beverly Hills -- the gun is a deactivated semi-automatic Walther PP pistol -- the winning bidder who asked to remain anonymous is an American who’s seen every James Bond film with his children -- a helmet created for Tom Cruise in Top Gun also sold at the auction for $108,000 while a sword used by Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction sold for $35,200 

* Dolly Parton has one major thing left on her bucket list which is she wants to see Beyonce sing Jolene one of the country star’s signature songs -- Jolene has been recorded more than any other song Dolly has ever written but that isn’t enough for her because she also wants to see it updated by one of the top female stars of a new generation -- it has been recorded worldwide over 400 times in lots of different languages but nobody’s ever had a really big hit record on it and Dolly always hoped somebody might do it someday by someone like Beyonce 

* Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson has wrestled his way into the alcohol market with his own tequila brand and lifted it into first place as the most successful spirit launch in history and he’s even on track to double George Clooney’s first-year launch -- Dwayne is expected to move more than 300,000 cases of small-batch Teremana Tequila in its first year of trading 

Page 40: Smitten singer Rihanna has fallen hard for A$AP Rocky but friends fear the playboy rapper will leave her broken-hearted -- Rocky is a charming guy but he also has a love ‘em and leave ‘em reputation and everyone’s concerned she’s more into him than he is into her -- Rihanna’s desperate to meet a man she can see herself with for the rest of her life and she believes Rocky might be the one but everybody thinks she’s rushing into things with Rocky -- Rocky is not interested in a long-term romance and Rihanna shouldn’t be thinking of this as more than a port in the storm 

* Lizzo is livin’ large and she’s showing every inch of her jiggles and folds on TikTok -- the body-positivity enthusiast wore a white bikini for an all-angles video in which she amply demonstrated the tricks models and celebs use to look slimmer -- she bared her belly and back and legs and sometimes jiggled her thighs or grabbed a hunk of herself to prove there’s more to luscious ladies than meets the eye and wrote, “Wild to see the body positive movement come so far. Proud of the big girls who gave it wings.” 

Page 42: Red Carpet -- The Crown stars -- Claire Foy, Emma Corrin, Gillian Anderson, Vanessa Kirby, Erin Doherty 

Page 47: Odd List -- baseball fan Darren Johnson hatched an unusual idea for his new chicken coop making it a model of Houston’s former Eighth Wonder of the World The Astrodome

[miraclejune]

HERO’S SOUP: Chapter 15

Old Friends

The grass scrunched from their footsteps, coming back up as they walked on. Encountering the red haired pyrokinetic somehow made the situation worse than it was. 

Jeongin looks up to Kazuo, gazing at him while they walk side by side. He was much taller than him, his red hair continued to amaze him and at some point, he wanted to ask if it was his natural hair color. "It's not. I just color it. Pyrokinesis. Red hair. You know the gist." the man glanced at him through the corner of his eyes.

"Can you read minds?"

Kazuo chuckles, running his hand through his hair. "I can read faces."

Chan pulls Jeongin to his side, giving Kazuo a stink eye.

"And it's still very much creepy that you can, Sofia." the redhead laughs out loud. He can’t actually read faces as an ability. He’s just very observant, which later on gave him a lot of benefits. "It's been decades and I still can't figure out why you hate me so much."

He looked at Chan, his face was calm and neutral. He was the only person he couldn't figure out. It didn't annoy him at all. It's just.. he was curious.

How much has this person been through all these years? He never knew why Chan never opened up to him, although they spent decades together at the Sofia's mansion. He opened up easily to the others. But he does know that the vampire doesn't hate him. The perfect word might be 'resent'.

"Shut up."

"Aw, come on. We go way back!"

"...thank you."

Kazuo stares at the vampire's back as he walks past him. He smiles.

Chan doesn't resent him either.

He speeds up, pacing himself with the vampire. "For what?" He saw how Chan’s tense demeanor slowly relaxes. "For saving my family."

-

"When we escaped the building, Changbin gained consciousness but he was losing a lot of blood. His wound was healing way slower than normal. I remember Chan saying that if ever something really dangerous appears or we have gotten into a really tight situation, we were to go to any Neutral zone that's nearby. And the closest was this place."

Seungmin pulls Jeongin before he gets run over by a coach harnessed to 2 horses. They had walked for what felt like an hour until they reached a town in the center of the neutral zone while Jisung was explaining what had happened.

The place looked like you're in the beautiful streets of Rome.

The narrow streets are paved with small, square, black bricks. They walked past maybe a dozen bakeries, the smell of fresh bread made Jeongin's mouth water. Most of the buildings that line the streets have so much character, they are worn looking and earthy colored. Seungmin swore every building they pass by has a fancy rustic balcony.

There were no cars or anything that emits hazardous smoke. Instead, bikes and coaches were the modes of transport within the town. But what littered the streets the most were people, different beings to be exact.

The crowd is a river of them, the only difference is that it flows in different directions. You will see different faces only to be forgotten once they pass by. Some were enjoying their alone time while others moved in groups staying together with fingers entwined or shoulders close to each other.

All of these people are supernatural beings that try hard to fit in the human world. Most of them might be centuries old, used to adjusting themselves with different people. The burden for the young ones is big, but the prize of being able to move freely outside neutral zones is worth it.

None of them were mad about the fact that it was they who needed to adjust. None of them ever regretted doing good outside for minimizing the risk of being caught. They were grateful. Plus, human beings are way scarier than any being out there. The capacity of their minds and actions were far more superior, leading to a lot of negative effects outside.

"How did you manage to sneak Jeongin in? He's human." Jisung glanced at Seungmin for a second before fixing his coat.

"Oh, that. The old lady let us in. She stared at Jeongin for a while before letting us through." he shivered, recollecting the scene from earlier. "She's one scary gatekeeper alright." Changbin couldn't agree more.

He was half-aware of what was going on but he could still feel the immense amount of power being contained by a frail and wrinkled old lady.

"Says the one who got recognized by that old lady." Jisung shrugged. Seungmin, on the other hand, wondered what Chan meant by that. Recognized? As in, she knows Jisung personally before or what?

"But as soon as we entered the area, Changbin collapsed. He was pretty much gone." Seungmin and Chan both looked worryingly at the said wolf. His state now was so much better than earlier.

The wolf laughed softly. "I was seeing double even before we got in. I just had to hold it in before we got into the safe zone. I had to protect Jeongin and Jisung. But, I was weak." 

Jeongin steps up and gives Changbin's shoulder a squeeze, making the wolf look back at him.

"You aren't weak. You're the strongest.''

Those words were cliche but it made him feel a whole lot better. He continued. "What pulled me back into consciousness was Woojin's howl. He was miles away but I still shivered as if he was just right beside me. It was almost as if he was crying. Calling out for me. Telling me to keep it together. Help is on the way."

Jisung put a hand around Changbin's shoulder. "I heard it too, so I knew I had to stay strong for these two." he said, giving a glance linked with a smile at Jeongin in which the boy returned back.

Help was on the way? So that means, Kazuo knew about Changbin getting hurt and them entering the neutral zone? Seungmin looked at Kazuo, did he expect them to arrive at the right moment because Woojin told him?

“Did Woojin tell you?"

Kazuo smiles. Ushering them inside a huge tavern with a sign outside that says 'Forest and Fauna Inn'. The question hung in the air unanswered as they entered a ramshackle, weather-worn wooden building situated in the northwest part of town. 

Upon entering the place, it looks quite more pleasant than the outside. The smell of smoke and stale ale welcomed the bunch. Surprisingly, it was much quieter than the usual 'bar' or 'inn' you see in movies or read in books. People huddled around wooden tables, the tinkle of glass on glass wipes the awkward atmosphere for unacquainted people. Quiet murmurs and occasional cheering made the place... quite lively enough.

This tavern draws in people of all sorts. Witches, wizards, orcs, wolves, spirits and rare ones like high elves, multi-headed creatures, human-born beings, goblins, and vampires.

Each race or being has their own system or we can call them "agencies" that manage each and every type of being. They provide order and laws to be followed promptly by everyone. Surprisingly, there are humans who work within those agencies. Of course, they're bound by a pact that won't allow them to talk outside about what sort of work they do and who their superiors are. Such offices are located everywhere and are often camouflaged as normal offices. 

The vampire population is quite huge as well. Most of them are populated in Europe and on glacial places like Alaska, Mongolia, Finland, Greenland, Russia, and even the inhabitable Antarctica. There are also a few of them in South Korea and neighboring countries like China and Japan. 

That's how Seungmin was assigned to Chan to make sure he doesn't cause any harm or drink blood from a human being, which is far from happening at all. He was in it for the money at first, but somewhere along the way, he enjoyed nagging the vampire and sometimes caring for him.

"Well, I be damned. Someone give me a neck to offer. Looks like we got ourselves a vampire." a distant voice cheered from behind a crowd pooling near their table.

A mysterious man leered down on Chan as soon as they sat down at a table near the bar.

Oily voice, greased back hair, hunched back, piercing black eyes, and a false smile.

The atmosphere was suffocating. Seungmin peers from the opposite side of the table, as his view was blocked by Changbin who sat in front of him. It surprised him to see all eyes were on them.

The buzzing sound of talking and loud cheers vanished as everyone's attention was on them. He angled his head more to see the barkeeper wiping the counter, not minding the situation at all, was he used to rumbles in here? 

In the middle of all the tension, his eyes caught a redhead coming up to the counter. Is that? Kazuo? Getting a drink?! Is he not concerned about what was happening?

"Woah woah woah."

The rest of them panic, when Chan stands up and turns to face the man. Jeongin was clinging to his right arm, almost begging him to not start a fight.

He caresses the boy’s hand, as if cue, Jeongin lets go. Chan was not planning on making a scene at all and he got the message clear. Seungmin, on the other hand, grew way more anxious. 

“You’re a sight for sore eyes.” Alas, the heavy atmosphere was broken by the two men hugging each other, the contrast between their bodies was unimaginable, it was like Hercules hugging a dwarf.

“Long time no see, Uiane.” Uiane patted Chan's back before removing himself from the vampire. His yellow teeth are on full display as he laughs out loud.

“Ye fuken bellend, ye ne’er came back!” His weird accent was a mixture of what seemed to be either old English and Scottish? And his name? Was it Um-ya? U-ya?

Chan chuckles, shaking his head in defeat. Uaine moves away from him, letting the rest of the people behind him greet an old friend.

“Okay, what is going on?”

Their confused faces looked at Chan laughing and hugging the men who looked much like pirates, before landing on Kazuo who got back from the bar.

“Oi, wait. Chan? Wha-where are yo-and there he goes!” Seungmin threw his hands in the air, the rest of them felt sympathetic towards the witch. They were all confused as much as the next person.

Seungmin was now lost.

Everyone was shaken up by what happened earlier, someone got injured badly, they lost track of them, and now they’re sitting inside a tavern owned by the Sofia’s! That’s not the worst part of it! The old lady still gave all of them the creeps.

The redhead snuggled beside Jeongin. Way too close for personal space. And when did they get all chummy? How on earth did they become all buddy-buddy with each other that fast?

Knowing Jeongin, he was the least likely person to be comfortable meeting an unfamiliar face for the first time, given the circumstances that had happened before. Seungmin's anxiety shot through the roof.

He scoots over to Jeongin a bit more, circling his arm around his waist. “Care to explain, Sofia?” 

Fiery red hair shifted as he took a sip from a tall glass of beer. He wished Seungmin would be more subtle in protecting the boy from him. The rest waited for him to respond. He sent the thought to the back of his head and something flashed beneath the surface of his calm expression, it was as if he was reminiscing good memories.

He rested his elbows on the table, clasping his hands as a faint, transient, wistful smile lit his face. “As all of you guys know. Me and Chan go way back. Centuries back.” Jeongin looked at Seungmin, his face questioning if he really heard what Kazuo said correctly, centuries? Plural? More than a hundred years?

Seungmin leans in to tell him it was true before they both turned their attention back to Kazuo. “He wasn’t really the type to join a group or be involved in a system, I thought he hated being lower than someone. Turns out he’s just a loner.” He chuckled. “It was hard to approach him. He was…” his voice trailed off, he was thinking of the correct word to say. “Intimidating.” He shifted his gaze and met Jeongin's eyes. He smiled at the innocence behind them. “Yeah. He was intimidating. Back then he was way more guarded than he is now. Not gonna lie, huge difference.” all of them agreed with that one.

“To put it briefly. He joined our clan. He joined Sofia.” heavy oppression seemed to brood upon the air as soon as he finished his sentence. He knew it was a secret and Chan would probably kill him but there was no other way to explain the situation.

His fingers played with the, now empty, glass. Picking his words carefully. “I did try to stop him. Believe it or not, we were friends even before he joined the clan, well... As far as I know, that is.” Kazuo’s eyes found Chan amidst the crowd hovering about his location. “He never really verbally acknowledged me but hey, it’s Chan we’re talking about. A man of few words.”

“He was trained by my grandfather. The head of the clan. He would have private sessions with him at the family dojo guarded by the strongest men. No one would lay a foot at that wing, not because of the guards but because it had this ominous feeling of fear and death itself."

"How can you measure death?" Jisung asked with a matter-of-fact tone in his voice.

Kazuo fell into thought, striving to find the correct way to estimate the feeling. "AH!" he snapped his fingers.

"Remember that old lady at the entrance?” they all nodded. Kazuo thinned his lips. “Multiply her presence by 100.” Jisung's breath hitched. Changbin clinged to him. He too was very much shaken by what Kazuo said.

He shouldn't have asked that now it's gonna be giving him nightmares for the next few weeks, which means Hyunjin's gonna have a roommate for the next few weeks as well. “Your grandfather must be really strong.” 

Kazuo wished that was the case in Changbin's question.

However, as he held his breath in admiring silence, his eyes never left Chan. His gaze was full of wondering interest meddled with pain and fear. No one at their table noticed it, thank god. “I guess you could say that.” The tone of his voice was vague. Seungmin thought.

It wasn’t the right answer to the question. He would’ve accepted it if Kazuo responded with silence. “Chan wasn’t that cold-hearted bitch you assume he is. He was just aloof, always had a hard time socializing because he doesn’t know how to act. He stayed with us for decades and I can tell you that Chan is more than a blood-sucking vampire who has a knack for vintage stuff.”

His smile was linked with a sigh. “I can’t believe the day will come that I would tell you guys this but, Chan is the nicest, most loyal and resilient person I have ever met. Everyone in the mansion acknowledged him as the strongest, but he remained rooted. He was humble. Never used his power for something stupid or would hurt the people around him.” 

“He’s something else alright. Accepting not 1 but 4 ancient wolves into his life was like hitting death in the face hard. A cursed one too. You've been through a lot, I can tell.” Changbin forced a smile, the thoughts of his past prickling on his heart and mind.

"Yeah, it's been... hard." worry washes over Jeongin. He hadn't quite paid attention to the wolves as well. But, he didn't want to seem nosy and ask about their past if it hurts them like this. He sat upright when Changbin glanced at him, a sad smile and sad eyes. Jisung leans on his shoulders and he looks away from Jeongin. He clears his throat.

“Felix told me he was afraid of Chan at first. Minho also. But all of their doubts and misconceptions of him vanished as soon as they made eye contact with that idiot. Chan is… he’s great.” Seungmin knew Changbin had more to say. But he felt like the wolf couldn’t find, no, the words he thought of were not even enough to describe how he felt about the vampire.

“That’s why everyone in the clan admired him. They admired the way he would pass the halls to lowkey watch over the rookies. We always caught him red-handed but he had an excuse without fail, denying that he was just passing by. We let him be because it's how he shows that he cares. He was caring in his own way and my boys felt that.” What he meant by ‘my boys’ were the people recruited under the Sofia’s family. 

“What really surprised us was when he was 3 months in the clan and the most unexpected thing happened.” He leaned back, he was so immersed with the story.

“He has his own stash of blood containers in his room, staff would deliver fresh batches every Sunday. However, one day he silently popped up in the mess hall. I still remember the exact same words he said when everyone looked at him standing in the entrance ‘What the hell are you dumbasses looking at? Never seen a vampire before?’ before plopping down next to Uaine.” That sounded like Chan alright. He was really hard to read. And sometimes you might come up with misconceptions about him in certain situations but in the end, you get the total opposite of all of it. Oh and they finally got the pronunciation of the name: Oon-ya.

He chuckles deeply, staring at the empty glass in front of him.

“Who told you you could go around and blab about my past, Kazuo?” all eyes were on him as he settled down beside Jeongin.

“Looks like someone’s in a good mood.” Chan rolls his eyes at Changbin, making the latter and Jisung giggle.

"So, you boys probably already know about my angsty past. Thank you by the way.” no way in hell Chan wasn’t being sarcastic with that thank you directed to Kazuo.

“Now, I’m the one asking questions.”

“We haven’t even heard the full story yet!” 

“Jisung, sweetie. Would you do me a favor and shut up?”

Jisung pouted. “But, thank you." The wolf's pout was soon replaced by a gummy smile. 

The vampire couldn't help but snort. "Thank you for thinking fast. I wouldn’t even have thought of this place given the situation earlier. You did great.” Chan felt proud. He compliments all the members quite equally but this time he wanted to thank Jisung with all of his immortal life. If it wasn’t for the wolf, Changbin would’ve been in grave danger.

“And, you.” Before the boys could go all mushy and cringy, he directed his index finger at the redhead. “You’re an idiot and I hate you so much but I'm saying this again. Thank you again. For saving my family.”

To all the misconceptions and harsh words given to Chan. Seungmin wants all of you to know that you can go suck his fluffy ass because the vampire is nothing like that.

“Fucking hell man.”

“Yikes, I know. I didn’t have a choice!”

“That shit disgusting. You’re disgusting.”

"I've become like this because of these stupid wolves, fox, cat, witch and awkward college kid."

The two of them shivered in horror of what Chan just proclaimed. They were the only ones feeling that way because even Seungmin's heart grew warm as he saw and felt the way the vampire thanked Kazuo. Minus the insult to everyone in the mansion though. 

It was like they were looking right into Chan's past with the Sofia's.

“Moving on, Changbin's wounds didn’t look like they would close up anytime soon during the encounter earlier. How did he heal so fast? Did you take him to the doctor?” Jisung explained to Chan how they managed to drag Changbin to the healer. Seungmin double checked Changbin's body for any hint of pain or injury but he was as good as new.

Jeongin was partly listening because another thing bothered him. He tugged Seungmin’s sleeve as soon as the witch finished checking the wolf. “There are doctors here too?” 

“Yes. They’re more or less like the doctors outside, but a bit more advanced. Their knowledge is extensive because of the variety of beings here. Herbal Witches are the strong ones.” Jeongin nodded. Seungmin, on the other hand, felt like he had boasted about his entire life's work. And he did. He was proud to be a herbal witch as well.

Jeongin thought he had to write a book about this. It would sell loads for sure. By the time he directed his attention to the conversation, they were already discussing what had happened this afternoon. 

“It gave me the creeps as soon as I stepped out of the room. It looked like an old guy but the power emitting from it was almost nauseating.” Changbin recalled the scene from earlier. Jisung started worrying about Chan who has not come back from the restroom for quite a while, although he’s probably the scariest being on earth, they couldn’t help but to go out and check on him.

“What even is that thing?”

“Wasn’t that the guard of your building, Changbin?”

“Wait, you guys have seen it before!? And what guard?” Jisung panicked. 

“You guys haven’t?” After seeing the puzzled reactions on their faces from Jeongin's follow up question.

Seungmin concluded the worst. “No, Jeongin. I don’t think they did,"

The boy looked at him curiously.

"Because there was no guard in the first place.'' Jeongin connected all the puzzle pieces. The guard was fake.

They argued endlessly.

However, Kazuo sat there completely still. Upon hearing the exchange of information in front of him, he may have a clue on what was going on and who the attacker was. “Chan.” the vampire put up a silencing hand, sensing there's some sort of important information about to be revealed.

“There’s news about a weirdly shaped being attacking people and other supernatural beings. And what I mean by attacking is killing. It killed even the strongest who have ever existed. According to the ghosts, it may be able to wipe out humanity within days.”

Chan closed his eyes shut along with his lips. He took a long deep breath, roughly caressing his face with his palms. To think that she would go to this extent just for him. This is getting out of hand. Way out of hand. “Is it after you?” here he goes again with his face-reading. “Y-”

“No.” 

“Seungmin, don’t butt in. And what do you mean no? You were there.” Chan glared at him tirelessly. Seungmin's face was stern, but his eyes jumped around the room. He wasn't quite sure if he's supposed to say this. But it's now or never.

“You said it, I was there when you’re being gobbled up. It wasn’t after you Chan.”

“It was after Jeongin.” Chan stood up from his seat, his eyes burned in anger. The inn grew dark and cold in just a second.

“Chantopher, sit down.” his breath continued to mingle with the smell of alcohol and smoke. The cracking sounds of his fingers echoed around the spacious tavern now that it grew quiet.

“Chan, sit down or else you’re gonna end up wiping out another neutral zone again.”

“Fine.” he sat down begrudgingly but the air was far more suffocating than earlier.

'Another neutral zone' Jeongin never doubted Chan's power. He remembered the mental notes he made from before ‘Never make Chan mad’, he meant that in a way that he should never get the vampire mad because he might end up being tickled or cussed to death. Not to the extent that Chan can be a killing machine when he’s enraged.

“Look, all I know is that it was after Jeongin. Because when Jisung moved out of the way to pick up Changbin and escape, IT had a great view of Jeongin who was hiding. That’s why you had the chance to attack it. It was distracted. You killed it for now but it seems like it will be coming back for more.” Seungmin's mouth grew dry even though he drank almost 1 liter of water from the bar. The group’s words ceased. The agitation was slowly building up. 

"Killed it for now? You mean it's difficult to get rid of?" Kazuo's question was given dirt so that means he was correct on his assumptions.

He leans back on the wall and sighs deeply. It was great information, useful indeed. But he seriously regrets asking about it. This wasn't some low scale issue. This might threaten the 11 families. He has got to tell his old man about this. "Chan." he looked at the vampire hopefully. "Tomorrow. Let the kids rest, for now, please. I'll be there." The vampire knew it was inevitable to stay away from the Sofia's lane. He had no choice but to swallow the pill.

“Has anyone contacted Minho and Felix?” Chan redirected the topic.

“Yeah, they sent Eric home in a flash and are on their way here too.”

“Updates on Woojin and Hyunjin?”

“They said they’re near. I’m gonna go pick them up at the entrance.” Changbin stood up from his seat. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

He smiled and flexed his muscles. “Hah! You underestimate the power of these bad boys." the rest of them cringe as Changbin kisses both his biceps.

"For the love of satan, just let him go!" Jisung pleaded, moving his eyes away from the horrific scene.

"Vote on 'we should've let him die'. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

Changbin gasped in betrayal. "Fucking sons of bitches."

The mood somehow grew brighter. Kazuo thanked the heavens for Chan calming down. He saw Uaine at the corner of his eyes earlier, ready to strike.

His big figure shook not in determination to kill but in fear. He and the rest of the crew had no choice but to defend the Boss (Kazuo) no matter where they are, who they are facing and how many lives will be taken. It's part of the fucked up rules made by Kazuo's ancestors. Really, why can't they stray away from tradition just once? 

"Let Jeongin go with you."

"Chan, are you hearing yourself?"

"Jisung, I can hear the ants walking in the counter over there so I guess that's a dead giveaway."

Jeongin stood up and fixed his shirt. 

"Chan, are you really really sure?"

The vampire shrugged, chugging down his drink. "Yeah, no harm in letting him into some adventure. Besides, this is called a safe zone for that reason."

"But... it's Jeongin we're talking about. Your baby boy. Are you a hundred percent sure about this? What made you think this is the right choice?" Seungmin's voice trailed off.

"He's with Changbin." the wolf swore he could cry right at that moment.

"Wait." Jisung stood up, placing his hand on Chan's obviously cold forehead. "You don't have the vampire chills, do you? Are you okay? Where does it hurt?" he swatted Jisung's hand away.

Gosh, he was so embarrassed by them making a big deal about this. "Changbin just please go and take Jeongin.'' The wolf wanted to join in with the fun but Woojin and Hyunjin might be waiting outside. Plus, Hyunjin's a scaredy-cat so he might've peed himself upon seeing the old lady at the entrance. And so they made their way out of the inn, chuckling underneath their breaths as they did so.

Seungmin scoots closer to Chan, looking straight at his eyes. "Are we sure you're Chan? That bitch wouldn't have let Jeongin go out without him? Who are you? What did you do to our idiot vampire leader!!!" shamefaced, Chan let Seungmin poke his face a dozen times and shake his body harshly.

"You should've just left me to die earlier as well. This is humiliating."

[artificialqueens]

summertime sadness (Branjie) - PinkGrapefruit

wordcount - 8845 (holymoly)

A/N - it’s a long un, please read the tags. set to ‘carmen’ by Lana Del Ray. Thanks to Qtip, my love, for prereading this when it was just a shell, Meggie for giving it a final look over and Frey for being the most patient and kindest beta i’ve ever had. That girl deserves everything in life for what she’s done. Anyway, enjoy!

*

Darling, darling, doesn’t have a problem

Lying to herself ‘cause her liquor’s top shelf

It’s alarming honestly how charming she can be

Fooling everyone, telling how she’s having fun

He watches her from afar, has known her long enough now to differentiate her lust from love, fake smile from real grin. She’s spent months telling everyone she doesn’t have a problem and maybe she doesn’t but who’s he to judge, they all have their vices. His just happen to be cats and menthol cigarettes (he switched from Marlborough’s when she left, they reminded him of her a little too much). Hers lay a little on the wilder side of life, long nights full of parties and drinking and who’s to say if she snorts a little something here and there, if it eases the pain, she could get away with anything. She parties every night on tour and he’d be lying if he said sometimes he didn’t stay awake to hear if she got to the hotel safely- it’s rarely before 5 am and when their call time is 9, neither of them function the next day. Sometimes he hears noises through the walls, smells the tequila through the crack under the connecting door they always seem to have. He wonders if it’s production’s idea of a joke. He assumes it is.

Through the months between airing and now, he cannot tell when they fell apart. He cannot decide if it was the distance or the pressure or the rumours or the show but it was something out of their control, that he is sure of. He refuses to believe that they could have stopped it, the weight of that sentiment too heavy on his fragile state of mind.

They’re in Madrid (their second of twelve cities) when it all gets too much - when all he hears is the damage he’s done - unwittingly and unwillingly. He’s taken to working out at 4 am, it allows him to stay awake to make sure she gets home but also to try and distract himself from the possibility that when she does, she will not be alone. He’s tall this time, all broad shoulders and messy hair. He looks like the kind of guy who would model underwear and then talk philosophy with you, blonde and muscley. He reminds Brooke of himself and it hurts. He’s seen the guys she picked up before, he always sees them through the glass walls of hotel gyms, as they walk in heavy footed and leave him heavy hearted. The joke about Vanessa’s type is less funny when he realises it’s him.

He watches them go into the elevator, hears the ding as it closes and loses it on the treadmill. He sets it to its highest speed and runs like his life depends on it. He doesn’t notice that the guy walks out 20 minutes later. Doesn’t notice as the clock ticks round to 6:30 and then suddenly Nina is there. She turns off the machine wordlessly as businessmen around them file in to start their days. His legs are numb and he is shaking in a cold sweat as she hoists him up and half drags him back to his room. He lays on the bed, surrounded by deafening silence as she gets a flannel and a drink from god-knows-where. She’s worried about him, more so than Vanjie at this point, because they all expected her to be like this - they all hoped he wouldn’t. She’s seen him this way before, when he lost Miss Continental - she carried him back from the gym after he’d missed their arrangements at a nearby bar. She’d put him to bed with a large bottle of Gatorade and a forehead kiss, watched him as he fell asleep and been there when he woke up, confused and disorientated. She took him to a therapist when they deemed it worth a shot and sat through long discussions about family and failure and his deep-seated anxieties about life. She’s seen him at his worst but this, this is a new can of worms.

After a few minutes, she pulls him into the shower, doesn’t care how much of him she sees, knows it’s the best way to sort him out a little better. Once he’s washed off the cold sweat and regret, he clambers back into bed. She holds him as he falls asleep, hopes he can’t hear Silky doing something very similar through the wall.

He wakes up at 2 pm and she’s gone. They don’t have a call time that day so he wanders out onto the balcony and looks down over Madrid. The architecture should be beautiful but it’s grand and larger than life and somehow finds a way to remind him of Vanessa. Taking a deep drag of his cigarette and letting the menthol fill his lungs, he longs for the days of Marlborough’s and the good kind of secrets. He wishes for picnic blankets under apple trees, sunbathing in orchards until his pale skin browned under the Florida sun. He wants to drink tequila with her in California bars, lets memories flood his senses until he is feeling everything that he has missed for months. He wants to talk to her. He cannot find the words.

She says you don’t want to be like me

Don’t wanna see all the things I’ve seen

I’m dying, I’m dying

She admits she might have a problem on a Thursday. “Admitting” may be a little strong of a word but she at least notes that something is wrong. They are in Belgium, she thinks, all of the cities have blended into one, she bought some powder of a guy who did not speak English and the weight of it is heavy in her jacket pocket. She can hear his voice as she lines it up on her bathroom tiles, can hear the cadence of his singing and thinks she’s going mad. Their rooms are adjoining but the door is locked, she can see shadows under it sometimes. She does not dare to knock.

She snorts it fast and easy, pays no mind to the pounding of her head and the way her fingers are twitching for a drink. It’s 2 am when she leaves the hotel, Brooke hasn’t moved in a while and she’s sure the rest of the girls won’t notice so she goes to a little gay bar on the outskirts of town. She drinks her bodyweight in vodka, a bit of tequila on the side and spends  most of her time in the bathroom throwing up, snorting shaky lines and blowing any guy she can. She never kisses them, doesn’t want to erase the feeling of Brooke’s lips on her own. The bar shuts at 4 am and she’s still too buzzed to go back to the hotel so she wanders about the city with a tall blonde whose name she cannot remember - Brody or Cody or something surfer-y. She’s heard a lot of names like that back in Tampa, blown a few too.

She stumbles through the lobby at five in the morning, detached from whatever guy she was holding to help her make it through the night. The gym is the only thing lit up, glass walls a window into who she could be she swears she sees Brooke, lifting weights. Assumes she is mistaken.

Their call time is 10 am so she rolls into bed and sets an alarm for half past nine. When it comes back around she dusts the powder off the bathroom tiles and takes a shower to try and wash her of her sins. She puts on a copious amount of concealer and a bandana around her neck to hide whatever marks may have marred the skin, hopes no one will notice the way the bags under her eyes are full of deceit and thinly veiled problems. The rest of the girls are too tired to recognise her façade.

She leaves the dressing room in the venue to paint. She shares it with Silky but no matter how many times the girl has had to put her to bed, she will not let her see her barefaced. Too many secrets lie beneath the makeup, too raw to be exposed to the prying eyes of someone who cares. On the way to the bathroom, she bumps into Brooke. He is shirtless and fully painted, pale and pallid. His body looks like solid muscle but his posture is one of weakness and exhaustion. She wants to tell him, she knows how it feels to be so tired your bones won’t hold you up - so tired that you cannot rely on yourself for support but from your friends. Wants to remind him that she could be a friend, but she remembers that she cannot and instead, powers past to the bathroom.

She paints a little heavier and pads a little harsher and if people notice they don’t say anything. She is trying to make up for all of the parts self-destruction ate away. There’s not a lot of things a good mug can’t fix.

She says you don’t want to get this way

Famous, and dumb, and no age

My, I’m dying

He switches back to Marlborough’s in Helsinki. It’s their fourth city and they’re easier to find in Finland than menthols. He switches from the gym at 4 am to midnight yoga and Nina joins him occasionally, not to actually stretch, but to watch him. They go to bars and he kisses so many people but none of them taste like her, then again, he’d be hard-pressed to say what she tastes like nowadays. Probably regret and tequila. When Nina tells him to slow down, he does and when she tells him they should leave, he follows her blindly.

He’s a shell of who he used to be so he resorts to his most basic functions. He follows instructions when given, never argues, lets self-pity fill in for self-respect. Nina is his emotional support animal but also his handler, she guides him away from possible dangers, lets him make his own way through life whilst keeping a watchful eye and a helping hand on standby. He settles himself into a routine, something recommended by a therapist a long time ago. He acts as if he has a 9 am call every day and a show every night. He eats oatmeal for breakfast, salad for lunch and part of his own soul for dinner, filling in the gaps with protein shakes and coffee. Yvie calls him out one morning, she’s awake when he is even though she didn’t go to sleep until two. She savours her coffee like it’s her lifeforce and asks him why he looks so tired. He doesn’t respond, they both know the answer. They make small talk over their food, neither touch the elephant in the room, merely lets it wallow in the corner while they discuss lighter things like makeup and wigs. They discuss changes in their numbers as they perfect them each night on stage, want to arrange a remix of ‘Sorry Not Sorry’ and agree to make it happen on their next day off.

When she enters the breakfast room, they do not make eye contact. He doesn’t dare look up from his oatmeal and can hear Yvie’s soft chuckle at how much of an idiot he’s being. He can’t bring himself to care. She breezes right by them, nods at the other girl before going over to the breakfast bar and picking up her food. He doesn’t understand how she’s so functional at 7 am, doesn’t think she’d been up in time for breakfast all tour. It’s only when she looks up that he sees she’s really not. Her eyes are bloodshot and skin looks like it’s been scrubbed raw. She’s a mess, looks like she’s crumbling and her façade is all wet paper and crumbling brick. Her hair looks like it hasn’t been cut in months and it’s only now he realises that through all the staring he’s been doing, he hasn’t really looked at her, hasn’t taken in who she is in a long time.

It stings a little, in all the places he least expects it to, like salt in an open wound, one that should have scarred over months ago. He wonders when it got this bad, can’t pinpoint when it all started but vows to ask Nina during their daily catch up.

Nina tells him that he’s been in his own world but also lets him know that yes, it’s awful but no, she’s not alone. He learns that Silky and A'keria are always on damage control and he’s so angry that they don’t stop her but then he remembers that she’s like a force of nature. She’s a hurricane blowing down all of the storm defences they have. She’s a flood that no levee can stop. Vanessa exists in a microcosm of the universe where she is all-powerful, she yields to no one, especially not a Canadian who broke her heart.

The boys, the girls, they all like Carmen

She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes

It is the third week of the tour when she wakes up in someone else’s bed. They flew into Geneva last night and that’s all she remembers. Because life is a cruel joke she spent the three-hour flight sat next to Brooke. He was engrossed in ‘The Great Gatsby’ but that didn’t matter because she spent two hours smelling him and immediately felt like she needed to wash the scent off her body. He smelled like peach and lemongrass and lost dreams and it brought the taste of him back onto her lips. When she closes her eyes she can still see him, happy go lucky with peach juice rolling down his chin, voice light and airy. She can watch the months unfold like a tape, fast forward and rewind till it hits the exact moment that he first told her he loved her. The moment where the rest of her world fell away and there was only him. She can’t bring herself to wonder what happened, she is too scared of what she might discover.

She sits up in the bed, rubbing at her eyes with hands balled into fists. The guy, another tall blonde, is still asleep but the bright light streaming through the window tells her that it is both late and that she has a pounding headache. She slips out of the bed, looking around for her phone and any smidge of dignity she may have dropped when she came in. She only finds one of them. Her phone quite helpfully tells her that she’s missed call time, it does not tell her where she is though and her data isn’t working enough to get her a solid GPS. She finds what she hopes are her pants on the floor and hastily pulls them on, stealing a shirt from the guy and sneaking out of the door as fast as her legs will carry her. It’s the middle of July so it’s not freezing in Switzerland but she wouldn’t say she’s warm as she hovers on the pavement outside the flat. She still has no clue where she is and her phone battery is dwindling so she calls the one person she hopes will make sense of this situation. She calls Nina.

While Nina tracks her down, having told her to ‘under no circumstances move’, she tries to remember what happened. She assumes she drank a lot, judging by her pounding head and her nose hurting which tells her more than she wants it to. Her entire body aches for a warm bed and a nice cuddle and she wants to laugh at how soft she’s become but she remembers that she’s getting older and she can’t keep outrunning it. She’ll continue trying though.

Nina comes in a cab at 11:45, eyes full of pity and maybe a little bit of disdain for the man before her. She can read him like a book, doesn’t need to say anything because she knows that she already hates herself. They take the twenty-minute ride back in silence, the only words shared a brief ‘we were worried,’ and ‘I’m glad you’re okay’ from Nina’s part towards the end.

She arrives and is pardoned from the rehearsals that day, goes straight to bed with no plans of being seen until she is safely within the confines of Vanessa, no raw Jose left for the world to wag a finger at. At some point between the dinner she skips and the show she’s supposed to do, Nina finds her way into her room. She is not like Silky or A'keria, she doesn’t pry or tell her she’d been dumb, she just listens. Listens when Vanessa tells her she doesn’t want to talk about it but doesn’t argue when she starts spilling her guts, halfway through doing her eyebrows. She tells Nina everything, as one does. She explains everything she’s done in painstaking detail, ashamed of every second but doesn’t hide from her mistakes. It’s only when she’s finished that she looks up, she locks eyes with Nina through the mirror, unmoving since she began and wordlessly begs her to say something. anything. Nina gives a soft smile, she looks tired, having just taken on the weight of another friend’s secrets and Vanessa doesn’t envy her.

“You can do this,” comes the soft voice, it sounds like the offer of ice cream on a hot day, like understanding. For once, Vanessa believes her.

She laughs like God, her mind’s like a diamond

Buy her tonight, she’s still shining

Like lightning, light, like lightning

Carmen, Carmen, staying up 'til morning

It is the third week of the tour when he spends his morning in a panic. He saw her leave after they checked in and never heard her return. He’d stayed awake until 3 am, sat outside his door because, of course, this was the one hotel without the adjoining rooms.

They landed at 8 pm into Geneva airport after a three-hour flight from Helsinki. He ended up sat next to her, her cologne tickling his nose every time he inhaled. It was the one she’d worn the weekend they’d gone to Coney Island. They’d had time off that coincided with them both being in New York and she’d (in her childlike wonder) always wanted to go. He’d go anywhere if it made her happy. They’d gone on the carousel, bought copious amounts of candy floss and ended the night on the Ferris wheel. He’d always counted it as their first proper date - the first one where one of them wasn’t in drag and they both left the house. The cologne had been retired after that, she’d said something about it not feeling right to keep wearing it when not every day would be as good as that one. He had to blink back tears on the plane.

When he woke up the next morning, he immediately asked A’keria if she’d come back. He knew that she was the least likely to either laugh or ignore his question and she dutifully told him that no, she hadn’t come back and yes, they were worried.

By call time, he was close to ripping his hair out. His hands had stiffened in the fists they were balled into and his heart was beating out of his chest like in a cartoon. He was sure that there  had to be the smoke coming out of his ears because he felt like his brain is on fire and there is no one there to put it out. His thoughts are like gasoline, igniting the flames that burn at his skull. They are a warning of what happens when you get too attached and he kicks himself for getting here.

Nina gets a call at twenty past ten, goes wide-eyed and slack awed for a second before composing herself. Brooke doesn’t know who it is but the hush of Nina’s voice and her sudden gentleness tells him is probably Vanessa and he’s just so relieved. He lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in, his lungs gasping for air as Nina puts down the phone and gives him a half smile. “He’s  alright,” she says, impressively calm in contrast to Brooke’s own panic-stricken demeanour. She organises everything like a boss, tells the managers what happened in cliff notes and makes sure to reassure Brooke every couple of minutes, to let him know that it’s going to be okay.

When Vanessa walks back through the door of the hotel, Brooke almost loses it. He runs up the stairs, three at a time and barrels into his room. Sobbing, he reaches for his Marlborough’s, savouring the way they taste like her and hoping his tears don’t put it out. The fire in his brain has been dampened and he steps out onto the balcony to savour what little time he has left to himself.

He doesn’t sleep easy that night, but he does sleep - and that’s an improvement.

Only seventeen, but she walks the streets so mean

It’s alarming truly how disarming you can be

Eating soft ice cream, Coney Island queen

They’re in Copenhagen and it’s breakfast time. It’s the first time in a week that Brooke has seen her without makeup and god is it a sorry sight. She sits across from him on a long table, refuses to meet his gaze as she nibbles on an apple, a plate of toast untouched to her left. Their mugs of coffee are almost touching, the distance between them probably the smallest it’s been in weeks and yet he’s never felt so far away from her. It’s like he’s on another planet and she’s the Sun. He orbits around her, never getting close enough to get burned. He tells himself it’s not worth the pain, if he doesn’t get burned then he’s safe and he can’t help but hate himself for the thought.

He’s finished his oatmeal (had added some blueberries to change it up a little) and is sipping quietly on his coffee, book in hand when he senses her looking up. It’s like she’s watching him, waiting for him to make a move. She tentatively moves her hand towards her toast and he sees how frail her wrists look. he’s sure he could wrap his thumb and pinky around it, make a perfect circle and she’d still be able to move. She looks scared as she picks off crumbs, places them in her mouth experimentally, on the tip of her tongue as they will dissolve. It’s a little disarming, how small she looks. He wonders how long she’s been like this, hates that he did not notice.

From then on, he watches every meal they share. She only turns up to a few, eyes red and skin blotchy. Her nostrils look scabbed and her voice is less foghorn and more chain-smoker losing their voice. He hopes that it is just the painful fluorescent lighting of the hotel dining room but he swears she looks more pallid and sick every time he sees her. Yet no one seems to mention it. She moves like she is being instructed to, all interactions seem forced and void of feeling but no one seems to bat an eyelid except him. She drowns herself in baggy sweatshirts and loose shorts, the fabric hiding a multitude of sins and keeping what little is left of her warm. She is wasting away, flesh and bone dissolved by vodka and self-hatred.

They get a roast for dinner. It is a Wednesday and she is there and she picks at the meat as if it has offended her. She pushes it around her plate like a child, picking the smallest parts to eat and leaving the rest. She leaves halfway through the meal and no one says a word. Most don’t even look up from what they were doing, conversations do not stop. Brooke does though. He places his knife and fork down and nudges Nina. When they make eye contact, she sighs, reminds him that Vanessa cannot get help until she wants to be helped and reminds Brooke to eat his greens. He scowls because she is right.

She says you don’t want to be like me

Looking for fun, get me high for free

I’m dying, I’m dying

It’s three am in Amsterdam and she’s getting her stomach pumped. It’s horrible, she takes a second to wonder if it’s a fate worse than death but stops herself because, god, she was too close to that to joke about it. She’s getting her stomach pumped at three am in a foreign country and the worst part is that no one knows.

She pays in cash, blatantly ignores the doctor’s instructions to not do anything strenuous for a few hours and bids him a goodbye. Thanking god she’s out of drag (because she can’t imagine how that would have gone with full face), she starts the long walk home. She is tired, exhausted even and her throat burns like someone’s lit it on fire and is enjoying watching it flame. It feels like acid is dripping down into her lungs and to be honest, that’s not far off. Having a tube shoved down her throat was not how she wanted to spend her Saturday night, she is almost grateful she was alone. Except she’s not. She spent the remainder of her Euros on the hospital bill (having already paid copious amounts for cheap vodka and overpriced tequila shots) and having someone there would mean maybe she could get a ride home. Instead, she’s walking dazed in the middle of the night through Amsterdam.

It’s beautiful like the stars have all come out just for her. She stops for a second in places, just to marvel at the sky above her - drinking in the beauty like it is grey goose because she is painfully sober in more ways than one.  

At one point she sits on the embankment by the canal. The pale moonlight shines on the rippling water, refracting onto the houses like a mosaic. Vanessa lays back, head on the dew of the grass; she remembers what life was like when it was simple. She pictures laying like this with Brooke, hands intertwined as if they would never let go. She wonders if he ever thinks about it too - hopes she’s not alone in her longing for easier times. It feels like a cop out when they have earned so much in their lives to wish to be back when they had little, but they had more time back then. She doesn’t have enough anymore.

Her mind wanders to when they were laying on the tarmac drive in the studio backlot. It was late enough that they could see the faint shimmer of the stars behind the California smog and she was so fucking happy. Her head on his chest, feeling the contours of muscle beneath her as he ran his fingers through her hair. They were a different kind of stressed, lighter and less cautious. Worried but less bothered.

She can taste the plastic tubing on the tip of her tongue, feels it like a phantom slide down her throat until she is choking, gasping for air. She coughs for a minute or two before standing again and she starts walking, hoping to get back home. Back to Brooke Lynn.

She says you don’t want to get this way

Street walking at night, and a star by day

It’s tiring, tiring

He barrels into her room at quarter past six on a Monday. They are in Prague and he spent all afternoon out sightseeing while she spent all afternoon soaking in a bath of self-loathing and lavender oil.

He can smell it on her skin the second he walks in and she looks up at him from her pile of blankets on the bed. “I think we should talk,” he says as he approaches the bed. His voice holds no enthusiasm but it is open and honest and he hopes that she knows that he is too. He doesn’t really offer much in the way of dispute, already sat on the end of the bed when she dares to raise an eyebrow. “Should we now,” she replies, although she sounds broken. Her voice is scratchy and weak like someone has scratched their way down her throat (he does not know how right this analysis is). It feels like spiders crawling on his skin, tiny legs prickling at his forearms as he watches someone so strong look so utterly lost.

Brooke refrains from hugging her, scared of what he will feel if his arms are too tight around her frame. “Okay,” she relents. She says it like someone who is already done with the conversation, like she has made her mind up and now just needs to convince him of her beliefs. “I know a place.”

She takes him to a small cafe he hadn’t seen on his explorations. He wonders briefly how she knows about it but knows well enough not to ask out of fear of the answer. He orders two black coffees and some Danish pastries, tries his best to use the language from his phrasebook (part of his routine is trying to speak in the language of the people he is surrounded by). If he is bad, the cashier doesn’t let on - hands him his change and receipt with words spoken in perfect English. It may be summer but she is dressed for snow storm season, something even more absurd because of the fact she is from Florida. Her hoodie is pulled over her hands and down past her shorts, combat boots laced halfway up her shins and a beanie slung awkwardly over her head. It’s a confusing look and it confuses him.

They sit in silence for a while. Neither of them really knows what to say and they’ve spent too long individually wishing for this to be able to enjoy it.

“So,” He starts, grimaces when he hears his own voice. It lacks his usual confidence, every last bit zapped down the drain. “So.” She retorts, carried by a smile that does not reach her eyes. “You wanted to talk,” She draws out the last syllable, drawls it like she’s a Rhode Island mom getting her nails done. He coughs, clears his throat and looks around, the atmosphere is warm and inviting and clearly hasn’t let the chill of their table spread into the rest of the room. “I don’t think I quite understand, you see. I don’t know… I don’t know when we fell apart.” His voice may be fragile but the volume is slowly rising with every word. “When did this become you and me - what the fuck happened.”

This was the wrong thing to do. Any glimpse of patience she had goes out of the window along with whatever he planned on saying next. “I don’t fucking know either,” she says, brash and angry. “Do you think I wanted to turn into… into this?” gesturing to herself she continues. “This wasn’t my fucking plan, Brock.” It is merciless and mocking and the way she says the last part doesn’t sound like his name. It sounds like a knife swiping through the air - cutting through him, like a Canada wind and it hurts like hell.

She looks smaller now than before, more drained but they’ve just started the conversation. “What happened?” he asks again, quieter this time. “Life,” She laughs bitterly, response twisting the knife further into his ribs.

“I miss you.” she says calmly, the eye of the hurricane circling them.

He misses her too, it burns holes through his heart every time he thinks of her and he’s not sure he can do it any longer. “Do you think… do you think there’s a chance, that we could try again?” He isn’t sure if he wants to hear her answer, knows it could be too much for him. He needn’t worry. “I think I’d like that,” he hears - a whisper in a bustling coffee shop like she didn’t want it to be heard.

Maybe when the walk back to the hotel they are closer. Maybe his fingers brush hers just a little bit. Neither minds.

Baby’s all dressed up, with nowhere to go

That’s the little story of the girl you know

She is in A'keria’s room before Brooke shuts his door, eyes widened in a state of panic the other man finds hilarious and concerning at the same time.

“Baby, chill,” comes the low timbre of her voice, loud in Vanessa’s head as she tries to come to terms with what just happened. She needs more time, the walls are closing in and she needs more time. Hands are warm on her wrists and there is a soft voice in her ear as she sinks back against the wall.  She feels like she is sweating from just thinking and it is awful but she can’t stop thinking about it. About the way he looked and the way he moved and how he spoke like he still wanted her; like he cared. So between sniffles and shaky breaths she tells A'keria everything.

A’keria nods and smiles and makes the right noises at the right times, to try and ease the girl’s aching heart. She suggests asking for more time before suggesting she let him in and Vanessa has so many options but she feels trapped. “I - I just don’t understand,” she whimpers. “Why does he want me?” and A'keria’s heart, it breaks.

She sits down next to the short Latina, wipes a tear off her face and sighs. “'Cause you’re you, boo,” she replies, conviction pouring from every word. Vanessa smiles a little at that and hums. She can do this.

Relying on the kindness of strangers

Time and cherry marks while doing party favours

He tells Nina immediately. And by “immediately” he means straight after he spent hours in the shower trying to collect his thoughts from every scattered part of his brain. Once they seem coherent enough though, she is his first stop. He gushes to her, once he’s started he can’t stop and even though barely anything has happened, it feels like a hurricane. A tornado called Vanessa has come into his body and wreaked havoc, his ribs feel broken and his heart flutters like a moth and god why is he so happy with such a little result. It is elation, like getting a test back that you thought you’d failed only to get an A.

Nina listens with a wide grin and a sly look in her eye. She lets him radiate happiness, tells him he has grounds for hope and that this could be good. She tells him to let her talk though, to give her the time and space she needs to metamorphosise because she will come back a butterfly. He agrees because Nina West is nothing if not a voice of reason and a damn good friend and he loves her. And he loves Vanessa. And he realises that he is so screwed and he loves her, he loves her.

He tells Nina this on their second bottle of wine. He hasn’t had a drink in a little while, saw what it did to Vanessa and can’t let himself fall too - it hits him hard and fast like a freight train or a well-thrown dodgeball. Before he knows it he is wine drunk at ten pm on a Monday and spilling his guts to a man he loves like a brother and he is so happy. Brooke is so happy.

Put your red dress on, put your lipstick on

Sing your song, song, now, the camera’s on

And you’re alive again

They’re not sure how it happened but they share a dressing room in Glasgow.

Brooke walks towards his assigned door, bouncing a little on his heels. They’re in one of his favourite cities and he’s been on a cloud nine ever since he spoke to V. Through Nina’s encouragement he knows he should talk to her more, has figured out that there are things she should tell him before they try anything but even the hope for something more, anything, makes him jittery. It’s like adrenaline pumped straight into his veins, he feels alive and free - like on a rollercoaster when the bottom drops out and you are just so in the moment. That’s how he feels.

He doesn’t check the door before he walks in - had he read the sign he would have been less surprised when he opened it to see two vanities, one already occupied by a short Latino. She’s got her brows glued down and looks like she’s got concealer on too, workstation neat and orderly as she packs on the powder. He sits down at the empty mirror without a word, lays out his supplies in a much less systematic way and immediately sticks on his wig cap. He is running late already.

“It’s a little, sus-susp… odd, don’t ya think?” she mutters, drawing on contour like war paint. He smiles as he pushes his brows down with a metal comb, “Suspicious, maybe,” he replies - he’s not totally sure what she’s on about but he figures he’ll let her explain. “I mean I thought it was gon’ be Silky with me, then she went off with A'keria, and now we here,” she tells him, stumbling in places as she concentrates on blending. He begins to understand, grasps at the olive branch she is holding out and realises just what she is going on about. “You thinking foul play?” he smirks, eyes widening at the realisation. This is Nina’s doing through and through. “That litt-” he catches himself, words falling off his tongue almost faster than he can stop them.

Vanessa raises a half painted eyebrow and continues her paint, he goggles for a little bit before remembering that he does not have time to get caught up on her beauty - he should focus on his own.

He’s got a crease brush halfway into his eye when he next speaks, words feeling stiff in the warm air of the room. “Total honesty,” he says, louder than intended. It comes out more brash and accusatory than he wanted it to but in the end, the tone feels right. She sighs, taking the powder brush off her cheek and tilting her head. “I don’t like what you’re im-implying Brock,” her tone is warning and he recoils a little. “We both want this to work,” he reiterates, “So we need total honesty.” She scoffs. Vanessa looks at him like she’s been scolded, like he took away her toys or something along that line. “Okay, I’ll be honest. I hate that colour on you.”

When he laughs it is raucous and noisy and it feels like flying. His lungs want to give up but it is freedom and love in a noise and he can’t stop. She joins him and they giggle like madmen for a while, makeup left forgotten on the vanities in front of them. She composes herself first, lets the calm music in the background wash over her as she gets back into the zone. “Give me a little more time,” she asks, she’s not begging but when her voice breaks a little, she sounds pretty damn close.

He nods, smiles, and goes back to his art.

When she leaves the room, having finished ahead of him as he thought, she presses a warm kiss to his temple. It’s not a promise, but it’s pretty damn close.

Mon amour, je sais que tu m’aimes aussi

Tu as besoin de moi

Tu as besoin de moi dans ta vie

Tu ne peux plus vivre sans moi

Et je mourrais sans toi

Je tuerais pour toi

London is the first time in weeks they’ve had adjoining rooms. It takes three nights to realise that the door is not locked. On that particular  evening, Brooke is calmly watching Netflix, refusing to de-drag quite yet out of laziness and a little bit of pride for his handiwork. He and Yvie debuted 'Sorry Not Sorry’ and the crowd loved it, he knew they would, the English crowds always went a little mad for that kind of thing. He recalls Vanessa’s face as she watched it, the little smirk she had as he did his handstand against the wall. In the break in the song, he winked at her, a challenge maybe - for what, he didn’t quite know. She’d looked gorgeous, in gold fringe with a grey-blonde wig that highlighted her everything. He’d always loved how she performed drunk but god, he’d forgotten how well she performed sober. With nothing but adrenaline rushing through her, she was like a rocket ship. She glowed brighter than the Sun, eclipsing all of them and no one could be annoyed because it was beautiful.

Back in the hotel, Vanessa leans against the door, she’s painfully sober - an unspoken promise to Brooke that she is going to try, just try to do this right. She wants to be drunk in love, high on his touch, his kiss, his everything. Leaning heavier onto the door, she feels it give out under her weight, and as her hand finds the handle, she pushes down.

He is laying on his bed in full drag, watching something about puppies and he looks up in surprise at her as she enters. She raises an eyebrow at him, almost teasingly. “What are you doing,” he asks, it’s hesitant as if he’s scared of the answer. He looks worried like he thinks she’s drinking again and she gives a soft smile in reassurance. “Couldn’t stop thinking 'bout you,” she responds, popping her lips and tilting her head to the side. Her smile grows until she thinks she probably looks a little manic but he’s smiling too and for a second it feels like old times. He gets up to greet her, there’s no rushing, he doesn’t see the point when they’ve got all night.

Vanessa José still kisses like there is fire coursing through her veins, the flames licking at his tongue like a warning sign. She kisses like he’s her oxygen, fueling the glow in her eyes with every moment. Brooke nibbles on her bottom lip for a while feeling the way her body moves beneath him when he bites down. He prides himself on how well he knows her, how he knows where to suck to get her moaning his name in a way that is just sinful. It’s just kissing but somehow it feels like more, it feels like they are intertwining, one needy mass of flesh and blood and lust and love. He is enamoured by it. Pushing a knee in between her legs, he moves from her lips to her neck, pulse point pounding beneath his teeth. It is flushed and warm and he sucks on it just hard enough that he feels her knees give out but knows that it will not leave a mark. She whines for him as he nibbles her ear, gives a harsh exhale as he kisses down her collarbone. Lips hungrily reaching past the collar of her shirt and fingers grazing under its hem. And then he stops.

He’s almost on his knees and he can see her eyes, dark and heavy-lidded, looking down to him, her fingers intertwined in his hair. He can’t remember the last time it felt this good to be wanted but he can’t seem to continue.

Brooke slowly stands back up, taking both of her hands in his as he brings her over to the bed. He lazily traces a finger over one of her cheeks as they sit in silence, both too scared of what this could become to say anything at all. Vanessa’s chest is heaving and flushed, her makeup everywhere and her neck red from Brooke’s lips. He’s sure he’s not much better off but he still can’t believe he has this effect on someone, especially not her.

“Did that help?” he asks, voice hoarse. He feels a little silly, playing along with her but she’s got him wrapped around her finger already and he can’t help it. She straddles him in one fluid motion, a knee on either side of his legs as they swing off the edge of the bed. Each hand comes to cup his face, not caring about the makeup still on it. She presses one chaste kiss to his lips, melting into him for a second. “Yes baby,” she whispers into them, pulling away and smirking to herself. With a grace he is certain he wouldn’t be able to manage in this state, she jumps off his lap and leaves the room.

Brooke falls back onto his bed, a hand coming to mirror where hers had been. He is fucked, royally screwed.

The boys, the girls, they all like Carmen

She gives them butterflies, bats her cartoon eyes

She laughs like god, her mind’s like a diamond

Buy her tonight, she’s still shining

They’re both awake for breakfast at 7am, Vanessa calling for Brooke on her way and when they get there, it’s empty. Brooke picks up two bowls of fruit and a plate of toasts, grabbing some juice and coffee on the way past as Vanessa rushes towards the comfy seats. It’s a little odd to him, seeing her not hungover, and he drinks it in, scared it’ll go away at any moment. She’s nigh on bouncing out of the seat by the time he reaches the chairs, body drowned in his white hoodie. He doesn’t know how she got it but it looks pretty damn cute so he doesn’t really care.

She devours the fruit in minutes and he just sips his coffee and watches. “Shut up,” she says with a mouthful of guava as he smirks. “It’s easier to eat when you don’t feel like you going to throw up.” He can’t argue with that, settles for eating his toast in comfortable silence. Every so often he’ll watch her gaze flick down to his chest, the t-shirt tight against his still shower damp skin. He raises an eyebrow and she shrugs back, holding onto her coffee like it’d disappear if she loosened her grip. It reminds him of the Vanessa he used to know, the one that sat at his kitchen counter with Apollo stretched across her lap. Coffee in hand and wit just quick enough to distract him and make him burn the pancakes he’s (unsuccessfully) trying to make. The nostalgia hits him like a train, pushes him back against his seat.

“So are we gon’ talk about last night then?” she questions, curling into her seat and bringing the coffee up to her mouth. Her nonchalance is killing him and she knows it. “Where do you want to start?” he asks, he doesn’t have anywhere to be and wants to know what he’s getting himself into. “I guess the beginning,” laughing a little - although it sounds bitter in his ears - she prepares herself. She tells him how she wants to get sober for him, how she needs him to know she’s trying. She lets him know how much she wants him imprinted on her skin, with words this time rather than soft kisses and tender moments stolen in hotel rooms. He does his best to stay quiet the entire time and when he can’t hold in his reactions she smiles at his unusual brashness. It’s a role reversal and a half, him the louder one and her all soft words and nervous glances. He maps her face with his eyes while she talks about the future, takes in the profile of her nose and the curve of her jaw. She’s managed to grow a slight stubble overnight and he likes it, wants to trail a finger over it and feel the tiny hairs.

He’s snapped back into reality by his own name, tumbling from her lips like ivy on a wall. “Brock, I-  I just want this to work out.” His mother always told him not to make promises he can’t keep but in this moment he would promise her the world if it meant she would curl up into his side for a while.

He stands, pulls her up with him and into his arms until they are holding each other closer than it should be possible. Burying his face into her hair, he exhales the emotions he needs her to know he feels. “Me too baby,” he whispers, each syllable carrying the love he has kept locked away for months.

The hold each other until Nina bursts through the door. She looks at them with the stupid grin she had the first time Brooke walked into the werkroom. It’s full of relief and comforting happiness and it brings a smile to Vanessa’s own face. She pulls away and walks over to the other man, whispers a 'thank you’ into her ear and then waits expectantly at the door. It takes Brooke a second to clock onto what she’s asking, still a little dazed from all the events of this morning. It’s barely eight am and it feels like his world has spun off its axis.

They spend the rest of the day intertwined in each other. They watch an entire season of 'The Office’, Brooke having to stop and explain things more often than he would like to but he finds he doesn’t care, Vanessa is in his arms and that’s all he can think about.

Like lightning, light, like lightning

Like lightning, light, like lightning

It’s the last day of the tour. The past two weeks have been the most joyous of his year so far and Brooke is unbelievably grateful.

After many nights of talking until they fell asleep (Vanessa’s new vice), they’ve agreed she’ll take a bit of time off when they get back to the States. She’s booked herself into a two-week rehab course that’ll teach her coping skills and after that Brooke wants to really take her to Canada. A week with no gigs and nothing they’re supposed to do but explore the places that made Brock Brooke.

Everyone’s noticed the change. They’re both brighter, happier people and whilst they’re not solely responsible, they’re certainly main factors in their newfound joy. They get ready together for the last show, talking for its full duration. Any lull in conversation is filled by Vanessa leaning over to give him a quick peck. Somewhere between eyebrows and eyeliner, they get lost in each other’s lips. They’re only pulled away by Nina knocking on the door, she’s smart enough not to come in but also knows the two well enough to figure out that the increased music volume isn’t just because they liked the song.

They both focus on their faces after that, only kissing once more when they’re both fully dressed. They didn’t necessarily match their lipstick just so they can kiss easily but it’s certainly effective in that area and Brooke plans on exploiting it for all it’s worth.

The show goes perfectly and so what if Brooke spends Vanessa’s number wolf whistling and hollering from the sidelines. Vanessa does the same for all of Brooke’s. At the last bow, Vanessa kisses Brooke on the cheek and the crowd goes wild, Brooke doesn’t let go of her hand until they get back to their dressing room where he pins her against the door. His mouth goes straight to her neck, she’s mewling under him before his lips touch her skin, flushing red like summer strawberries as he licks and sucks his way up her throat. He grabs her by the hips and hoists her up, using the wall to support her and she wraps her legs around his waist, drawing him close. As he pulls away for air, she latches herself onto his pulse point, making his knees weaken a little. She tugs at it, kneads it with her tongue until he’s pulling against his tuck.

He’s expecting her to move away as she usually does when they get this far, they’ve been making out like teenagers, hot and heavy under the covers but are still to consummate the new relationship. Even though he knows it’s coming, he’s still just a bit disappointed when she jumps down, swinging her hips as she walks towards the mirrors. He rolls his eyes, smiles to himself and follows suit, removing the layers of makeup and costuming until he can see himself again. Looking to his left, he can see her too and she’s beaming at him, a big contagious grin.  

She’s not perfect, but neither is he. Maybe together they can be the kind of perfect they need.

Darling, darling, doesn’t have a problem

Lying to herself 'cause her liquor’s top shelf

[thebookoftomorrow1]

Coming Up For Air

PAIRING: Bucky x Nea (OC)

TYPE: One-Shot

SUMMARY: Bucky has been back from Wakanda for a few weeks, feeling a little better with a new metal arm and all. Nightmares of his former life still haunted him and adjusting to the new world wasn´t easy either. He finds help with that in Nea, who finds herself falling in love with Bucky Barnes really quickly. Problem was, that Super Soldier didn´t seem to return the feelings. When Steve sends them away in order for Bucky to get back to his former self, Nea gets confronted with her own past and struggles to keep her feelings in check. Would Bucky understand that she knew how he felt better than he thought?

A/N: This is my first time writing something in English, so please bare with me and excuse any mistakes you might find! Also, this hasn´t been beta read, so...

This has been posted by a friend before and I personally always think my writings aren´t good, but the friend, @randomfandompenguin , convinced me to try and post it again. But I might delete it later ;)

Got the idea while being on vacation in Finland and just had to write it down. Nea is a character I´ve used in other storys I have been writing before (in German), so it felt kinda natural to use the name here too.

The title is inspired by the song of the same name from Signals in Smoke, which I mostly listened to while writing this. 

@randomfandompenguin also told me to tag @the-ss-horniest-book-club , hope that is okay :)

WARNINGS: Fluff, little angsty?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She watched Bucky disappear into the woods. He´d said he wanted to have a look around, just to be sure. She let him, well knowing she couldn´t stop him from doing so anyway. Where she was sure that they where save here, he couldn´t shake some old habits. But that was okay. Since he was back from Wakanda, with a new arm and all, he seemed different. Just a little more calm, hoping that they had fixed it. Got everything Hydra had put into his head out. But he was still a soldier and he would never lose his abilities.

Still, he had problems to find his place in this new world. And she was pretty sure he still thought, that he was a monster. Even if they had fixed his head, which she was sure they had, he still had the memorys. And the nightmares he had because of them. He still felt ashamed, lost and hurt. He´d told her as much when she had been with him after one of those nightmares. She still felt her heart breaking for him, seeing him so devastated and with tears in his eyes. She had huged him tight and he had been holding on to her, she´d let him cry for all the people he had been forced to kill.

It had just been this one night where she had seen him like this. The night where it had hit her, that she was in love with him. Bucky Barnes. The man that thought he wasn´t worth of loving. After that, they had spent alot of nights together. Talking, watching movies, sometimes just holding each other. Especially when he had been waking up from one of his nightmares. When he had been coming to her room one night, waking her up and asking her with panicked eyes if he could stay with her, they had started to sleep next to each other every night. Nothing more had  ever been happening between them.

When the others where around, he was acting like everybody else with her. Like friends, and she had to admit, that it was hurting her everytime he did that. Like he didn´t feel any connection stronger then being colleagues between them. Was it really just her feeling that way?

The others knew about his nightmares, but he told everybody he´d manage, that he was okay. Bucky and her hadn´t told anybody how much time they spend together at night. But she was sure they knew somehow anyway. At least Steve knew it. If Bucky was talking with him about her, she didn´t know. But Steve had come to her one day, he knew how she felt about Bucky.

Steve had been there for her when she needed it, no matter if it was about Bucky or something else. He was the one who knew him best, even though they had been sepperated from each other, thinking the other one was long gone, they still were best friends. Steve had said that Bucky liked her too, he was sure of it. But if that was the case, he had never acted like it.  Well, Wanda said the same about Bucky. She was the other person knowing about her feelings for him. Wanda was her best friend, ever since she took her under her wing, when she had been new in the team. When she was still feeling unsure, Wanda was the one that understood her best. Because her friend more than often felt the same. For her, Wanda was amazing. Not because of her abillities, but because of who she was otherwise.

After all, she herself just had some pretty good fighting skills. Almost as good as Natasha, at least that was what Steve had said. Of course she didn´t think so. Nobody was as good as Natasha in that way. But Steve had found her and got her into the team, so he must have seen something in her, that she still didn´t. It was not like she could control things with her mind, turn into a green powerfull giant or was the goddess of thunder. No, she was just Nea. The Avengers her new family. The only one she had. Thanks to Captain America himself.

But it was Steve´s fault, that she was alone with Bucky in the Finnish wilderness. She wanted to be mad at him, but he meant well. This wasn´t about her feelings for Bucky. This was about Bucky adjusting to live, feel better and maybe getting more himself again. Even if he was still a supersoldier.

Bucky wanted to work, go on missions. But Steve had talked him out of it, giving it still some time. And after long talks to him, with her beside Steve, he had agreed.  But she still saw his shocked face when his best friend had told him, that he would go somewhere quiet. With her. Away from it all.

„You send me away, with her?“, he had asked, which had felt like a punch in her stomach. She hadn´t known about it either until that moment, so to say that she had been shocked herself, would be an understatement. But his reaction and obvious dislike about it, hadn´t made it better.

„You know why, Buck.“ Was all Steve had said to him. They had just looked at each other for a while then, silently talking. She didn´t know what had passed between them at this moment, but it had been enough for Bucky to grudgingly agree to it. And then, he had just left the room and she had been ready to cry, feeling rejected and hurt. He didn´t want to go with her, after everything that had been happening between them. He pushed her away like it was nothing.

It had taken Steve a while and alot of hugging, to make her go. He had said that she was the only one, besides maybe Steve himself, that Bucky had let get close to him. So she was the best to go, after he had missions to take care of. And you know, he was Captain America. As much as he wanted to spend time with his best friend, right now he couldn´t. Which made her feel for him again.

So she had pulled herself together, chose a place to go. Finland. Where she still had good friends that she hadn´t seen since becoming a part of the Avengers.  They had helped her to find this nice, little summerhouse.

Shield had arranged the flight, but it hadn´t been easy to go unnoticed. A car had been waiting at the airport here, the long drive to the house feeling so much longer with the silence between Bucky and her. They hadn´t been talking since Steve´s decision and Bucky had avoided all kind of contact, which hurt her even more.

But maybe this was a chance for her to accept it. Accept that she had just been a welcome distraction and now… So if he could be cold to her, she would do the same from now on. Without losing sight of the assignment Steve had given her.

Nea closed her eyes, lifting her face into the sun. It was summer, but luckily here it wasn´t so hot. There was always a nice little breeze from the sea. She loved that it was so quiet here, just nature and one or two other summerhouses around. It was even better that this house was directly at the water. Her friends knew that she had always loved being near the water.  Sometimes it was enough just watching the seagulls flying around, the movement of the water, to calm her down. Take her mind off of everything. Which was what she needed. So did Bucky, if he would let it happen and see the beauty in all of this. Nobody would find them here, at least nobody that didn´t need to. Her eyes still closed, she heard Bucky approach but didn´t move.

„I see why you chose this place“, he said. So, he was talking to her again? She didn´t feel like answerig. He sighed but came closer, sitting down next to her on the small platform overlooking the water. „It´s beautiful here. And quiet.“ This made her look at him. Like her, he closed his eyes facing the sun. He looked calm. And so beautiful…

„It is. Sorry you have to share all this with me.“ She said to take her mind of the path it had been going. He didn´t feel the same for her and she had to get over that.

He looked at her, confused. Which made her look away.

„What does that mean?“, did he really have to ask? It was hard not to look at him now, so instead she watched one of the seagulls searching the water for fish.

„Means that I was there for your reaction when Steve told you. And the fact that you have avoided me ever since, not talking to me until now, pretty much says it all.“ When she felt herself tearing up, the fact still hurting her, she stood. Avoiding his gaze, but still feeling it.

„Nea, I…“

„I´m gonna drive to the shop we passed, buy some stuff. You need anything?“, she asked, breaking him off. She didn´t want to hear his rejection. Standing with her back to him, she waited for an answer. He seemd to sense that she didn´t want to talk about it right now.

„No, thanks“, he said after a little while. So she started to walk up the small, wooden stairs to the house. „Shouldn´t I come with you?“, she heard Bucky say, which made her stop again.

„I can handle myself.“ Was all she said, before finally walking away. When she was sure he wouldn´t see anymore, she almost ran to the car. Starting it and, before driving away, put the radio on. Turning up the volume.

Even though she didn´t want to, she started to cry as soon as she had left the house behind her. Why was he suddenly acting like before? Did he really not know it had hit her pretty hard, when he had treated her like a stranger he didn´t trust?

When she reached the store, she took a moment to calm down, checking her face in the mirror. The last thing she needed was people staring at her, because she looked like a crying mess. Turning her thoughts to what they would need, again thinking more about what Bucky needed and liked, rather than herself, she finished shopping pretty fast. Glad she still remembered enough of the language. To have some more time to calm down, she took another road back to the house. A longer one.  

Back at the house, she almost dropped the grocerys she was carrying, seeing Bucky chopping wood. With no shirt. Damn him! Of course that was the moment he noticed her. He was breathing hard, like he had been taking out some frustration on the poor wood. It made her snap out of her stare, continuing her way to the house. This would make her crazy, why had she agreed to this?

„Let me at least help you with that.“ Nea jumped, Bucky suddenly standing right behind her, when she was back at the car for the rest of the stuff. Damn supersoldier abilities. Her heart pounding, she just nodded without looking at him. Turning around, she walked back to the house. Busying herself with unpacking. Again she felt Bucky´s gaze on her, which gave her goosebumps.

„Can we talk about this?“, Bucky said after both of them unpacking and putting away all the stuff in silence. Again.

„Now you want to talk? I don´t think there is anything to talk about.“ She wanted to leave the room, but Bucky grabbed her hand and stopped her right in motion.

„I think there is“, just don´t cry she told herslef, already feeling the tears coming up again. „I´m sorry if I acted like an idiot. It wasn´t about you, I just… I was frustrated. With Steve, because he knows me so well. But mostly with myself. You…“ he broke off. Swallowing hard, she turned around to him. At least he was wearing a shirt again.

„What?“, she asked quietly and he sighed.

„You helped me so much in the past months, took my mind off everything. But without going on missions, I felt useless. I didn´t understand why Steve wouldn´t see that.“

„But now you do?“, a small smile tugged at his lips, but disappeard fast again. Shaking his head, he shrugged.

„I guess. I know I´m not a big help, if my head isn´t in the game. Which it isn´t. But it bugs me that he is always right.“ That made both of them laugh.

„It is annoying, isn´t it?“, Buckys smile was answer enough and her heart jumped. They didn´t mean it. Steve was like a brother to her, ever since he found her on the streets. But it was true, he somehow was always right with things like that. Nobody wanted Bucky to get hurt or worse, killed on a mission. They couldn´t be sure either, that he would let himself get killed. He had said more then once, that he wished he would have died back when Hydra had found him. That he didn´t deserve all the fuss about him, someone caring for him like Steve or she did.

She hadn´t seen Buckys reaction from that side. Now she felt really stupid, having overreacted.

„So, I´m forgiven?“, he pulled her close, already knowing the answer to that question. Being so close to him, messed with her brain. So she just nodded and leaned into him when his smile got even bigger, while hugging her tight. But still, she didn´t believe he saw more in her than a friend. She still had to get over her feelings for him. Because he would never feel the same for her. At least she could enjoy the time alone with him for now. With noone around, they wouldn´t have to act like there was nothing more between them. Maybe it wouldn´t be good for her goal to stop loving him, but she could enjoy this a last time, right?

Making dinner together, Bucky didn´t miss a moment to make Nea laugh. He seemed more relaxed now, which made her glad. After all, this was the reason they had come here for.

„So, your friends. You trust them?“, Bucky asked while they were eating. Nea was surprised to see the concerned look on his face.

„I do, with my life. They know who I am, what happend to me. And they never told anyone.“

„Do they know who I am?“, there it was again. The fear of people seeing him as a monster. She had to admit that her friends had been worried when she´d told them, who she was here with. Everybody just knew Bucky as the Winter Soldier, the dangerous killer. But they trusted her word as much as she trusted them. They had just been glad to see she was save and okay with the Avengers.

„They do, I told them.“

„And they are okay with this? With you being alone here with me?“, he looked down at his plate, the sadness in his tone almost breaking her heart. So she reached over the table, putting her hand over his metal one. Which made him look up at her again.

„I know I am save with you, James Barnes.“ Even his little smile was sad, but at least he turned his hand around and started to softly play with her fingers. Goosebumps spread over her body, making her shiver.

„Are you cold?“, she withdrew her hand and tried to smile. Why couldn´t she control herself?

„Maybe a little. Which is why I´m gonna try out the sauna.“ After saying that, she got up. Taking both of their plates with her. The sauna was something she really had been looking forward to, now was a good time for that. Maybe she would calm down a little and get herself under control, having a little time for herself.

„You want to get into the sauna?“, he asked.

„I´ve been wanting to ever since I decided to come here.“ Bucky helped her cleaning away everything and washing the dishes. When she gave one of the plates to him for drying, she noticed him smiling.

„What?“, she asked and smiled too, just because it really was contagious and she loved seeing him like this.

„I just thought… if you want to sweat, I can help you with that too.“ His smile turned into a grin and Nea felt herself blushing. In hope he wouldn´t notice, she turned her face back to the sink. She cleared her throat.

„Well, sauna is a different sweating. Relaxing. Cleansing. You know.“ Did she just stutter? Bucky chuckled, so she must have. Damn her hormones! As fast as she could, she finished the rest of the dishes.

„I´m gonna heat the oven in the sauna.“ she said, dried her hands and maybe made her way to the door a little too fast.

„You know I meant making you sweat with a training session, right?“, his words made her stop again. She didn´t even have to look at him to know, that he still got that grin going. Trying to put on a smile that she hoped looked real, she turned around again.

„Of course. We´ll have plenty of time for that here.“ Now she couldn´t stop blushing and he was in full sight of that.

„Sure.“ He winked at her, laughing. Oh he loved to tease her and she hated herself for reacting like this. Without another word, she went out and down to the sauna. Now she would need this even more to relax. When the oven was lit and she had everything else she needed in check, she went back to the house to get a Cider from the fridge and a towel from her bag. Bucky was seated in one of the cosy chairs, looking up from his book when she came in. He smiled at her with that glint in his eyes, that made her heart jump. She just returned it fast and got what she wanted, before escaping really quickly again. At least he could concentrate on something. There was no TV here and besides the safety phone they´ve got, there wasn´t any other device that could be tracked. Which shrunk their entertainement to books and… the company of each other. And that wasn´t good at the moment, at least not for her.

Nea took off her clothes in the little, wooden sauna. As soon as she´d sat down, got it steaming and her cold cider in hand, she closed her eyes with a sigh. This was heaven. A hot, 100 degree heaven but nonetheless paradise right now. This was a nice plus to every summerhouse in Finland, the original sauna. Compared to other houses around, they had it pretty much luxurious. They had a real toilet, instead of the old school outhouse. Which she was really glad about, that was too much nature even for her. They had electricity for the important stuff and running water.

To her own surprise, she really managed to relax for a little while. When it was time for her to get out, she drowned the rest of her Cider, already feeling like a new human. Now she would wash it all away with a swim in the lake. But first she popped her head out of the door, peaking through the trees. Bucky was nowhere in sight, good. Naked as she was, she hurried out and to the water. Before her feet even hit the water, she knew it was going to be cold. So she kept running and dived into the lake. She couldn´t help the little shriek escaping her mouth, when she made contact with the cold water. But after the short shock, it felt like it should. Just wonderful.

„What the hell are you doing, doll?“, her heart stopped for a beat, when she heard Bucky. She turned around to him, glad she had her whole body under water. There he was, looking at her with wide eyes. He looked almost… panicked! Oh my, he must have heard her shriek and thought something had happend to her.

„Buck, I´m sorry. The water was a little cold.“ She said apologetically. At least that seemed to make him calm down a little. But then he suddenly frowned, tensing a little again. She knew immediately what caused this and was suddenly really aware of the fact, that she was butt naked right now. At least he wouldn´t notice the blush in her face now.

„Doll, are you… I mean…“ now it seemed to be Bucky´s turn to stutter. The fact that he couldn´t even bring himself to say it, when he had been teasing her before in that direction, made her smile.

„Naked you mean?“, she said with raised eyebrows. Was HE blushing now?

„Well, are you?“, he asked as serious as he probably could right now.

„I am. You go naked in the sauna and after that, you take a swim in the lake. Naked.“ Bucky seemed to flinch a little at the word naked. Which is why she´d said it again. She didn´t know where she had found her confidence, but she sure was glad about it. Bucky looked around.

„What if anybody sees you?“ really?

„There is nobody here, Buck.“

„There is a house right there.“ He pointed in the direction, where indeed another house came into view.

„That´s pretty far away. And even if there is someone right now, they are used to naked bodys around, when there is a sauna.“ And that wasn´t even a lie. In that way, the Finns were really easy going. But Bucky wasn´t convinced. He seemed really old school with this.

„Still. Would you get out of the water now, please?“, now he was really serious. He even had managed to get the towel and was holding it out to her.

„Alright, it is getting cold now anyway. But would you…“ she made a sign with her hand for him to turn around. He huffed.

„Really? Now you are worried about ME seeing you naked?“, he looked almost offended now.

„Buck…“

„Alright, I wouldn´t have looked anyway.“ He turned around. She knew he really wouldn´t have looked, not after the way he´d reacted just moments ago.  As fast as she could, she got out of the water and took the towel out of Buckys hand, wrapping it securely around her body. Bucky took a quick look over his shoulder and when he was sure she was decent, he faced her again. His look made her freeze. Their eyes locked and her heart picked up a pace, which sure wasn´t because of the sauna experience. It was the way he looked at her right now. She couldn´t really place it, had never seen it on him before. A little uneasy, she wrapped her arms around her body. Bucky seemed to snap out of his thoughts.

„You are shaking.“ He said and it was just now, that she realised she really did. But she knew it wasn´t because she was cold.

„I´m gonna wash up and then come back to the house.“ Was all she was able to say, still a little shaky from the moment that had just passed between them. Bucky nodded and with a last look, turned around and walked away.

She watched Bucky until she couldn´t see him anymore, the memory of the look in his eyes just moments ago, giving her goosebumps. What had that been all about? Shaking her head, she hurried back to the sauna, making quick work of washing up and getting dressed. It was getting late and the wind had picked up a little, even though the sun wasn´t going down fully at this time of the year, it got a little more crispy at night. So it was good she had taken a hoodie to put on too, even though the sauna still had er comfortably warm.

But then she remembered that it was Bucky´s hoodie and thought about taking it off again. He had forgotten it one day in her room, never asking to get it back again. So she had kept it, wore it whenever he wasn´t around and wanted to feel closer to him. Why she had packed it to come here, she didn´t know.  

Trying to push away the thought that he would notice his hoodie on her, she stepped back into the house. Bucky crouched in front of the hearth, trying to get a fire going. For that she loved him even more now. It was so nice to sit in front of the fire and just be, besides, the house would get a little colder in the evening now too.

„I can make some tea if you want“, he said without looking at her, throwing some more wood onto the fire. When he did look up at her, his eyes immediately found the hoddie and a smile spread over his face. „But you look quite warm, so maybe no tea.“ Shit. She cleared her throat, really embarrassed he had noticed it.

„No thank you, I´m good.“ Was all she managed to say. Gone was her confidence she had before. He laughed, but nodded.

„Sit in front of the fire?“, he asked and pointed to the two cosy chairs, that he had obviously moved there. Glad he didn´t say anything about her wearing his clothes, she smiled. Choosing one of the chairs she sat down, drawing her legs under her. Bucky slumped down on the other one with a sigh. For a moment he watched the fire, while Nea couldn´t help watching him. He suddenly seemed really distant.

„You okay?“, she asked, which brought his attention back to her. He smiled softly.

„Yeah, I´m good.“ He answered and then took Neas hand with his metal one. She let him play with her fingers again, like before, she felt her body reacting to his touch. Her skin tingling, heart beating a little faster. What was he thinking about? It was quiet between them again, but this time, it wasn´t uncomfortable. Even she felt that it didn´t need any words right now.

After a while they just started to talk, just like they had done a thousad times now. She knew he didn´t want to sleep, event though he seemed as tired as she was. The fresh air here, and her going to the sauna, making it even worse. So she just got up at some point and started to get the bed ready, Bucky quickly coming to help her. For both of them it was out of question, that they would share the bed. After all, they had done this for a long time now. Just last night before they came here, they had slept seperated in their own beds. Due to Bucky avoiding her. And she had really felt alone then, being used to having him next to her. That had led to her not getting that much sleep either. She wondered if Bucky had felt the same, even though he often didn´t really sleep much anyway. Always scared to have another nightmare. But Nea couldn´t help it, she was tired.

„Buck, I´m gonna go check the oven of the sauna and then go to bed. I´m really tired.“ She said after a while. Bucky smiled, he had noticed that she had been almost falling asleep already.

„I can go check the sauna, you go sleep.“

„It´s fine, I…“

„Just go to bed, doll.“ He chuckled, got up and kissed her on the forehead before leaving the house. She sighed, no protest allowed with him. So she made herself comfortable in bed and closed her eyes. When she was almost asleep, she felt the matress dip and soon a warm body pressed to her back. Bucky slung one arm around her, last thing she noticed was how their fingers interwined, before she really drifted into sleep.

 ~*~

Nea woke up feeling a little cold. She turned, feeling around the bed for Bucky. But the place next to her was empty. Suddenly she was wide awake, searching the room for him. Her eyes found him by the window. Seated on the small sofa there, bathed in the orange light of the upcoming sun, he looked outside.

„Bucky?“, she said with a sleepy voice and got out of the bed. Did he have a nightmare again? Why hadn´t she noticed anything? He looked at her approaching, smiling soflty. „Did you dream again?“, he shook his head.

„Couldn´t really sleep.“ Was all he said, holding out a hand to her. Nea didn´t hesitate long, sat down on his lap and leaned into him. She loved it to sit and cuddle with him like this, and he seemd to need it too right now. Bucky took the blanket from the backrest of the sofa and spread it over them. His lips touched her forehead again for a kiss and she couldn´t help a satisfied sigh, closing her eyes. He would talk if he needed to and she would listen.

„Nea?“

„Hm?“

„Thank you. I mean, for being there for me, especially with those dreams. The things you know about me… Sometimes I don´t know why you still talk to me.“ Nea looked up at him. He had this sad smile when their eyes met and everytime he said something like this, her heart broke for him.

„Don´t say that. You´re not getting rid of me that fast.“ She said with a smile, trying to lift his spirit again. He laughed, so it worked for the moment.

„I don´t intend to“, his voice was so deep and his eyes so intense when he said it, she was glad she already sat on his lap. Before she could even react, he started to talk again. „But I mean it. If you ever need me, I´ll be there for you… You know that, right?“, he didn´t look at her, watching their interwined fingers instead. Nea frowned. Why did he sound so worried?

„I know. Bucky, what´s wrong?“, she had to ask. He sighed and met her eyes again.

„You have bad dreams too, don´t you?“, Nea tensed.

„How do you…?“, was all she managed. How DID he know that? Yes, she had bad dreams too. Maybe not as intense as him, which is why she had hoped he wouldn´t notice anything. He watched her face,  suddenly a little unsure. But then he pulled her a little closer.

„You talk in your sleep. Alot actually.“ Shit.

„And what… what do I say?“, avoiding his gaze, she tried to get up. But Bucky didn´t let her.

„You always seem scared, pleeding with somebody. I always pull you close to me, you don´t wake up but calm down at least. Tonight you did it again.“ He explained so softly, she shivered. When he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, she closed her eyes. Trying really hard to controll her emotions.

„How much did Steve tell you about me?“, she asked as soon as she trustet her voice again. She knew they had been talking about her, but didn´t know how much Steve had told him. Not everybody knew the whole story. What she had done before he had found her.

„Just that he found you after a mission, a big illegal fight club, pretty beaten up.“ He said and Nea looked at him again. That really seemed to be all he knew, he wouldn´t lie to her. She sighed, maybe it was time to open up to him. He had to know she trusted him, it was just hard to talk about it. But that was sure something he could relate to. And it warmed her heart that he wanted to know.

„Almost dead would be more accurate.“ Bucky inhaled sharply at her pretty silent comment. It was true, she had been half dead, lying in that street behind the building that had been her prison for months.

„You want to tell me what happend? I mean, you don´t have to. But…“ Bucky started, when she didn´t say any more for a while. But she stopped him with a finger on his lips.

„It´s okay, I just… It might just take a moment“, he nodded at that and waited. Nea took a deep breath. „I was one of the female fighters. Not exactly voluntarily. The boss of the whole thing trained me, or better, made me. After loosing my family and everything else because of me stupidly falling in love with an asshole, I lived on the streets. He took me in, it started with a waiter job at the events. When he saw me fighting off a pervert grabbing my butt, he locked me up with four of his best woman in the cage that was the fighting ring.“ Now she felt Bucky tense, his grip on her hip intensified. When she looked at him questioningly, he tried to smile.

„Sorry.“ He whispered, loosening his grip.

„I survived somehow. And he made me train with him. It was either that, or back to living in the streets. I didn´t know anybody else.“ Still to this day she thought that she could have made it, if she had tried harder.

„That´s where you´ve got your fighting skills from.“ Bucky stated, she nodded.

„I had been doing some selfdefense courses before, which is why I could fight off the grabby guy. But his training was nothing against it. I got hurt, alot. He wasn´t exactly careful. If I wasn´t concentrated enough, or didn´t do what he wanted me to do, he hit me. Hard.“ Bucky growled. Seeing him fighting his emotions now, almost made her cry. She wouldn´t cry now, had to keep talking.

„But when I finally managed to knock out some of his guards, he put me up for fights. The first ones where really easy, but then… I´m not proud of alot of things I have done in this ring. I´ve hurt people, pretty bad. Sometimes I had to injure them to win. But the worst thing was, at some point I started to enjoy it. It helped me with my emotional pain, took out my frustration. It was wrong, but… I did it.“ Now she couldn´t stop the tears from coming. She hated herself for the person she had been back then, even though she never wanted to go that way. Bucky drew her closer again, making her put her head on his chest. He held her and let her cry, kissing the top of her head.

„Did he… Did he do anything else to you?“, Bucky asked after a few minutes. His heartbeat had calmed her down, but again he sounded worried. Swallowing hard, she shook her head lightly.

„No“, she had to clear her throat. „No, he didn´t. Made me serve him and he tried to prostitute me once to a guy, making some money. But I beat him up.“ She could feel the relieved breath that left Bucky´s body.

„So, what happend the night Steve found you?“, Bucky asked, changing the subject again.

„Boss was angry with me because of the guy, apparently he had been a big investor. He usually gave me a pretty good beating whenever I wouldn´t bow to his will. But after that, he locked me in my little, dirty room. Always having one of his guys in front of the door. He put me up against the champion, to teach me a lesson he said. She was way taller and more muscular than me, no one had ever lasted more than one round with her. I lasted five somehow.“ Bucky cursed silently, so she liftet her head to look at him, before continuing.

„When Steve and his cavalry came in, I managed to drag myself out of the building in the chaos that erupted. I made it out the backdoor where I collapsed. There I was, leaning against the wall and glad it would finally be over. But then there was Captain America, I was barely able to see him. The last thing I remember is him kneeling in front of me, taking my hand and saying `Don´t worry, I got you now´, before I fainted.“ It was weird, but she still remembered that she had smiled at him. Thinking she would die and finally be free.

Bucky seemed to sense her feelings right now and squeezed her hand.

„Steve told me he took you to the hospital and didn´t leave your side, until you were better.“ He said, she nodded. So he had been talking about that at least.

„He did. At first I thought it was just because I was one of the the main witnesses, being the boss´s… You know. Just my statement could have gotten him behind bars and there were people after me. He was with me the whole time in the court too and then, when everything was over, I was sure he would send me away. But instead, he took me to the tower and gave me a home. I still don´t know what he saw in me that he did this.“ Her sad smile made him sigh.

„Well, I know. In some ways you could be his twin. Big heart, stubborn, a fighter in more than one way.“ The way he looked at her now, made her shiver again. But she shook her head.

„I´m serious Bucky. I still don´t think I deserved it, after all the things I have done.“ Her eyes teared up again. Bucky took her face in his hands, so she had to look at him.

„Don´t say that. You didn´t have a choice.“ He said with tears in his eyes himself, which hit her right in the heart. But then she realised what he had said really and smiled, leaving him a little confused.

„You know that is what I always tell you, right?“, was her explaining answer. Bucky looked surprised first, then shook his head with a small smile.

„It is, yes.“

„And do you believe me when I tell you that?“, at this moment she was glad she´d told him. Make him see how she felt and that in some way, they weren´t so different when it came to this.

„No. But I´m beginning to understand…“, she hoped he did. That he knew she understood how he felt, because she had felt the same desperation. But didn´t anymore, since they had gotten so close to each other. He had been there for her as much as she had for him. „I´m glad he found you.“ He said, cupping her face. Nea´s heart stopped for a moment, did he come closer? Before she could even react, his lips were on hers, kissing her softly. At first she was so surprised, that she didn´t do anything. When Bucky seemed to pull away, probably unsure about her non existing reaction, she reached for him, putting a hand in his neck to pull him closer. She could feel him smiling into the kiss, before he deepend it again. To feel him like that, like she had imagined it so many times, felt like fireworks exploding in her stomach. She needed to get even closer to him, feel so much more of him, because maybe this was all a dream and she would wake up soon.

It didn´t take long and she straddled his lap, their kiss getting more passionate. His hands roamed over her back, giving her goosebumps when he found some bare skin. They both broke the kiss when they needed some air, hearts pounding in the same rhythm, she could feel it. Bucky smiled before resting his forehead against hers, burrying his hands in her hair.

„I should have done this a long time ago.“  He said breathless, his eyes practically glowing. Nea had no words right now, so she answered in the only way she could now. She kissed him again, trying to put all the feelings she had in it. And when she drew back, looking at him, she knew it was enough for now. He knew.

When he kissed her again, she let her hands roam over his body. Finding the hem of his shirt fast enough, her hands dove under it and touched his stomach, he sighed into the kiss. Nea used it to pull the shirt up and over his head, leaving him in nothig but his boxers. For her he was beautiful and she loved looking at him. Bucky squirmed under her, snapping her out of her trance. She bent down for another kiss, her hands gliding over his muscled chest up to his broad shoulders.

When she slid even deeper into his lap, his grip on her hips tensed. Their kiss was still heated, but something was wrong. Other than the kissing, he was totally still. She felt like her hands where everywhere over him, loving the feel of him. But his hands remained on her hips, with an iron grip. Again she drew back, looking at him. They were both breathing hard from making out and the heat building up between them. Maybe she should make the next step. So she took hold of her shirt, ready to take it off, when he stopped her with his hands on hers.

Nea tried to ignore the stabbing pain of rejection. So he didn´t want this after all. But when he looked up at her with sad eyes, she frowned.

„What´s wrong?“, had she done something wrong?

„I just…“, he sighed. „I don´t want to hurt you.“, Neas heart ached for him when he couldn´t even look at her right now, watching his metal arm instead. How could he ever think that? Laying a hand on his cheek, she made him look at her again.

„You  won´t. I know I´m save with you.“ With that being said, she sat up and took off her shirt, full aware that she wasn´t wearing a bra. She was nervous to look at him again, but when she did, she almost stopped breathing. The love in his eyes right now, made her whole body tingle. A surprised screech left her mouth, when Bucky suddenly stood up, lifting her easily. He made his way over to the bed with her, Nea started to kiss his neck. Which made him shudder with pleasure.

Bucky laid her down on the bed, climbed on top of her and looked so deep into Nea´s eyes, that she was glad she was already laying down. She knew he wanted to make sure one more time, that she really wanted this. But she did, for so long now that she felt herself shiver with pleasure, before drawing him closer for a kiss. She could feel that he wanted this as much as she did. And when she slung her legs around his hips, she hoped this really wasn´t just a dream.

~*~

When Nea woke up, the spot next to her was empty again. She didn´t hear anything in the house, so she guessed he was outside somewhere. It must have been the middle of the day right now, she had been sleeping really long. Memorys of the night made her smile, already missing the contact to him. So she got up, put some underwear and his hoodie on. Barefoot she made her way to the windows in the livingroom area, there he was, on the big front porch. He had been training, his naked upper body was slightly glistening with sweat. But he seemed distant, thoughtful, watching the surroundings. What if he regretted last night? The thought alone made her heart stop for a moment. There was only one way to find out, so she took a deep breath, opened the door and stepped outside. She was sure he had heard it, but didn´t act up on it. She walked over and slung her arms around him, putting her hands on his chest. Not tall enough to put her head on is shoulder, she kissed him softly on his left shoulder, right next to where his metal arm started. When she leaned her chin against his warm skin, he shudderd.

„What´re you thinking about?“, she asked, almost whispering. A little scared what his answer would be.

„About you.“ her heart stopped, while she felt his beating steady under her hand. Bucky detached her hands from his chest, just to turn around and face her with a smile, that made her almost forget how to breathe. Taking her face in his hands, he pulled her closer.

„How it can be that you make me feel this whole again. Which I haven´t felt in a really long time. How you showed me, that I can feel so strongly for somebody, that it almost hurts. But in a good way“, with the way he looked at her right now, Nea felt herself tearing up. His thumbs stroking her cheeks so softly, he was so close to her lips now. „And how I love to see you in my clothes.“ he said and made her laugh with it. But then she kissed him, desperately needing the connection with him right now. Her arms went around his neck, he grabed her by the waist and pulled her even closer. The kiss was so passionate, yet with so much feelings, that her whole body felt like a thousand fireworks again. When they broke away from the kiss for air, they smiled at each other. Nea wanted to tell him, that she felt the same way about him. She wanted to tell him right now, what she felt for a really long time already. But was it the right time? Hadn´t he just basically said the same, just in a different way?

„What is it?“, Bucky asked, frowning. Of course he sensed it. Biting her lip, she looked down at his chest, tracing a finger over the spot where his heart was.

„I love you, James Buchanan Barnes.“ She said with a shaky voice. It felt right to finally say it. Before she hadn´t even thought she would ever have the chance to. Bucky was quiet for a moment, which felt like forever for her. But then he made her look up at him again, his eyes practically glowing now. He still didn´t say anything, but kissed her. Right now, that was enough for her.

They spent the days talking, laughing, swimming and training. Bucky always praised her fighting, especially when she got him down. But Nea knew he did that on purpose, he let her `win´. He knew how insecure she often felt about it, so she didn´t say anything and thanked him with a kiss, everytime he showered her with compliments about it. When it was raining outside, they spent their time mostly snuggled up before the window, watching the rain. Or they cuddled in bed, in front of the fireplace. Reading or reading to each other. They loved each other. Alot. And Nea felt like she would burst with happiness anytime. Something she hadn´t thought to ever feel again. But he had changed everything for her.

Bucky even wanted to meet her friends, so she arranged a visit. It warmed Neas heart, seeing Bucky being so good with their little boys. Of course they were fascinated by his arm. At first she had been scared it would be too much for him. But he calmly answered every question they had, now and then looking at her for support. Her friends liked him. They saw she was happy. That he made her happy.

In between she talked to Steve and Wanda on the phone. Bucky didn´t like talking on the phone, so he gladly let her do it. She didn´t say anything about them, that she and Bucky where together now. Just that it was going really good. At least Wanda knew it. Even through the phone she could read her like a book. Steve told her that they might have to come back soon, for a mission. But he would let them know when it was time.

So they enjoyed the time they had together. The nature around them had enough to discover. And it gave them time to discover more about each other. Nea loved to hear him tell storys about him and Steve being kids. She told him about her time in Finland, before everthing had gone wrong. That she had been happy here.

One day Nea had the feeling that their time in this piece and quiet would be over very soon. She often had feelings like that, didn´t know why, but so far she had always been right. So she wanted to use the sauna again one last time. Bucky had told her that he didn´t like it she was swimming naked afterwards, because he didn´t want anyone seeing her like that. Everytime she had gone to the sauna after that, she had put something on before going for a swim. For him. He had always joined her for that. But for her maybe last time, she wanted to do it the Finnish way again. Bucky had been going for a run, so she had her chance to do that alone. What he didn´t know…

„Going somewhere?“, Nea jumped and hid behind the wooden door of the sauna. Bucky was sitting on one of the stones next to the small stairs, looking up at her.

„Bucky, what…?“, damn it. She had been so close. Looked like she had enjoyed the sauna a little too long. He got up and came up to her, just her head peaked out of the door. Her eyes traveled over his naked upper body. His skin was glistening with sweat and all in all, she wanted to jump him on the spot. But he didn´t seem amused, crossing his arms over his chest while looking at her.

„Buck, come on. Nobody is here besides you and me.“ Nea said, batting her eylashes at him. He sighed and stepped aside.

„Go“ was all he said, Nea smiled, hurried out and to the water. Again she screeched a little, when she hit the cold water. But again, it felt SO nice. When she looked back to Bucky, she smiled. He was just taking off his shoes and pants. She bit her lip, watching him walk into the water, naked now too. Jesus, he was SO beautiful! But when he didn´t even flinch while getting into the cold water, she scoffed.

„What?“, he asked, laughing when he reached her. She shook her head and started swimming. He followed and together they took a smal lap. It felt good and refreshing. Bucky waited for her on the shore, still standing in the water up to his hips. Smiling at him, she wanted to pass him, but he stopped her and pulled her close. Of course she didn´t protest when he kissed her, just leaning into it. When his fingers softly trailed over her back, down to her butt, she shuddered.

„Are you cold?“, Bucky asked, breaking the kiss.

„How could I?“, she said with a big grin. He laughed and kissed her nose, she loved it when he did that. Leaning her cheek against his chest, he embraced her and they just enjoyed standing there. Holding each other naked in the water.

„Promise me, we will come back here some day.“ She said after a while, looking back up at him. Brushing a strand of her hair behind her ear, he kissed her forehead.

„I promise. But I think we have to go now.“ Nea frowned, but then looked over his shoulders just to see Steve standing not far from them. He leaned against a tree, arms crossed and watching them with a shit eating grin. Of course Bucky had heard him.

„Told you I would let you know when it was time to come back.“ Steve said and had the nerve to wink at her.

„Seriously?“, she said incredulously. Feeling herself blush, she pressed herself closer to Bucky. He laughed and slung his arms around her, before looking over his shoulder at Steve himself. The bastard seemed to enjoy this. She was naked for gods sake. Sure, she had known it would be time soon. But this was just Steve Rogers timing to show up right at this moment.

„Would you mind Rogers?“, Bucky said, but with a smile, to his friend. Steve laughed.

„Sure, sorry. Waiting inside. Oh, I am alone by the way.“ again he winked at Nea, before he went up to the house. She grumbled, burrying her face at Buckys chest. He laughed, kissing her head.

„Understand now why I didn´t like you to go swimming naked?“, apparently Bucky found the whole thing funny now, while she just wanted to hide in shame. When she just grumbled in response, he laughed again. „Come on, he´s inside the house now. And it´s Steve, he wouldn´t look anyway.“ He dragged her out of the water and both of them got dressed fast.

Steve was still smiling when they entered the house, sitting in one of the cosy chairs. But he didn´t say anything about them, just coming straight to why he picked them up now. Nea was thankful for that. It would be Bucky´s first mission in a while. Her heart melted when Bucky looked at her, his eyes gleaming with excitement. She knew that meant alot to him. And he was ready now. He still had his nightmares, like she did, but they dealed differently with that now. It would do him good, to be in action again.

When Steve had explained it all, they got up to pack their stuff. But Steve stopped Nea by taking her hand. Before she could ask what it was, he pulled her into a hug. Smiling, she hugged him back.

„Told you he likes you too.“ Steve said close to her ear, before he broke away from her with a big grin. Shaking her head, she laughed. He really did love it to be right.

When things were all packed, she persuaded Steve to let her say goodbye to her friends. The boys getting excited to see Captain America himself, which was just a joy to watch. The guys with kids. And Nea promised them to keep more in contact again.

They left Finland with another happy memory for her. And she hoped it would be one for Bucky to hold on too. They would make alot more of those together now. Hopefully.

[welcometohetaliahell]

Their scents/natural smell

*just an f.y.i these are all my personal headcanons and I chose to describe them versus using a couple of words for no reason other than I wanted to. Also, there are characters like Sealand, Seychelles, Liechtenstein, and Moldova missing because in my mind they are babies and it would just be weird for me. 

The America’s 

America: His scent changes depending on where he’s coming from in the U.S., one day he could have of a pine tree scent, to him or motor oil, but generally his cologne is very metallic but underneath that is Evergreen mixed with a faint scent of gunpowder.  

Canada: This may seem stereotypical, but he smells sweet, like sugary donut pancake sweet, but that’s mixed with that crisp, fresh, winter air that comes like a week after it snows, thick, rich wood, and coffee. 

Mexico: Her scent changes based on the seasons, or in general the time of year. During the fall/winter months for the U.S. (September to March) her scent is very subtle and maybe a little dry, not like dusty, but she just smells clean and plain. But during the warmer months is when her scent can be a little overbearing. It’s hot and salty because of the heat but very fruity and sweet, it doesn’t come off as a perfume but rather like she’s eaten a bunch of fruits in one go or had been picking them. 

Cuba: He overwhelmingly smells like motor oil, but not in a bad way, like it’s mixed with sweat because I think in some ways he’s had to learn to love fixing up old cars because of his countries situation. But it’s also mixed with salt water and sand with just a hint of cigar smoke underneath. 

Europe

Britain: Britain’s changes based on the weather. If it’s raining that is the main scent with a mix of smog and motor oil. But if it’s just overcast he still smells like dim weather because it’s so common, but it’s mixed with pipe-smoke, or canon smoke, and old books.

France: This man smell’s like roses like he just does. But he doesn’t smell like the same rose, there’s always something different that may hint at specific color or type of rose, hell maybe where it was grown. He also smells like cheese, which is weird I know, but like really good cheese that when you smell it you just want a cracker with maybe a piece of ham or something and gobble it up. But underneath all that is like old grime, like old metal building grime, and sweat mainly from around the time of the industrialization of Europe and America i.e. the building of the Eifel Tower and the Statue of Liberty. 

Russia: Now like Canada he also smells like winter, but he smells like that impending snowstorm, cold winter weather that almost leaves a taste in your mouth though he burns like a furnace. I also think he smells like old brick or masonry in general. Like an old brick building that hasn’t had a fire blazing inside in a very long time.

Germany: While I want to say he smells like a beer, which he does, but that’s not his main scent. He mainly smells like the top lining on a drum kit, not the old animal hides they used to use, that has gone through a few 6+ hour long practices with a broken stick or two. Now underneath that is the beer smell, but it’s mixed with sweat and motor oil but not only does he like working out he also likes working, mainly on cars, but every once in a while a hint of wood or fire will come through.

Italy: This boy smells like a chefs kitchen, a mix of a lot of things that sometimes makes your nose itch and you wonder what the hell is cooking. But he also smells like oil paint and canvas and marble because like Germany he likes to create, just more Bob Ross and less Rudolf Diesel. 

Southern Italy: This boy like a vineyard, and I know you’ll be asking why Italy or France don’t smell like that, and idk but this boy smells like he spends every morning standing in the middle of the vineyard where the wind can pass right through him and that’s his cologne. But he also smells like shoe polish and fresh, baked bread. 

Spain: This man smells like a lot of various things and changes constantly. The most prominent thing he smells like is seafood, like battered and fried seafood with an undertone of salt. But other times he’ll smell very sweet still with that undertone of salt. 

Scotland: This man smells old, but not like the same old that China smells, but more like a castle – masonry old. And he obviously smells like smoke/nicotine because he smokes but it’s not seeped into his clothes its right around his head/neck area and everywhere else just smells like old linen. Like something you haven’t worn in a few months that’s been hanging in your closet clean but maybe you should’ve shaken it before you put it on. 

Poland: So, if you catch him when he wakes up in between showers he’ll smell spicy actually with like an undertone of rugged wilderness, like plain grass and wheat, and water. But he really likes the flowery smells of perfume so he’ll wear those a lot though he is conscious of the impact it can have on other people, so he never wears too much and he tries to go for the more shuttle scents like flowers over things like cotton candy or berry because those are really pungent.  

Lithuanian: He smells like the woods, like dead-ass middle of nowhere moss covering everything woods mixed with fresh water and sometimes things like berries with a rugged undertone of dirt and evergreen that was pushed into his scent all the time's wolves would just tackle and love all over him. During the winter his scent can get very stuffy and plain, like what happens to a house when it’s being lived in but not, yet it’s surrounded by the cold. 

Latvia: This is gonna sound odd, but he smells like ham, potatoes, and alcohol. Like most of the time, he smells very plain and nothing really sticks out so sometimes he’ll wear cologne but when it’s colder out and he’s stuck inside and everything he smells like ham, potatoes, and alcohol. 

Estonia: This man smells like an office/server room. It’s really clean but cold with a metallic undertone. But he also smells really fresh after he’s left the office and showered – like fresh berries and other fruits. Sometimes he’ll smell more like potatoes and meat but that’s mostly when in the winter when the fresh fruits and all can’t be picked. There are also some earthy undertones to his scent that come out during the winter.

Austria: He smells like old sheet music, or just like old paper in general. That kinda dusty but intriguing smell you get from a really old document or book. There’s also a layer of coffee, fried bread, and evergreen. He sometimes wear a sharp cologne if he’s going out or something and he doesn’t use any super flowery shampoo or anything in the shower so most of the time he smells like old books and food – might made you hungry. 

Switzerland: He can also sometimes smell like cheese, but again the good kind of cheese that you wanna eat. But he also smells like really clean, crisp water with an undertone on evergreen and metal. He’ll sometimes smell sweet and other times he’ll smell like beer but those come out depending on what he’s eaten or whenever he showered last. 

Netherlands: This man is a blend of tulips, chocolate, and pipe smoke. On is always more dominant than the either and kinda gives away his mood. Sometimes he’ll have a woody-fury undertone to him from the time he's spent outside with rabbits. The heavy smoke smell typically gives away that he’s stressed or maybe even mad. The chocolate says that he’s been with his sister and could be in a good mood if it was just them, but it can also be a sign that he’s trying to relax and it’s not working. The tulip smell says that he’s suuuuuper happy and relaxed and that you could go and talk to him and he's chill. Mostly on the weekends. 

Belgium: She smells like chocolate, chocolate, and flowers but with undertones of a vegetable garden and fresh air. She doesn’t really wear any perfume and doesn’t use super pungent shampoos and lotions. She mostly smells sweet but occasionally there will be this metallic, salty sea air undertone that comes out especially when she’s sweating that’ll remind that his women will kick your ass if she needs to.

Belarus: She smells very metallic but also sweet, like sucker sweet with while you have a tongue or lip piercing. Her cold undertone is the cold air that you breathe in super deep to fill your lung and try to relax, maybe the kinda cold that fills you before you start running outside or hiking. 

Ukraine: She smells like wheat, but not like gross wheat but like the standing in the middle of the field kinda wheat smell that is where you’d wanna take a super aesthetic photo those it’s kinda itchy as hell. She also smells like flower, as in cooking flower, because I picture her as liking to bake and yeah. Her undertone is cold, but like the cold of seeing your breath, the also sweet cold that doesn’t hurt at first but if you stay out in it you’ll nose will hurt.

Nordics

Iceland: Because he is an island with volcano’s he smells like molten rock mixed with cold seawater but with an undertone of grass. It’s very inviting and warm to smell, no sulfur unless there was a recent eruption and then he reeks of it but also sweats and he’s in a lot of pain and a cloud of smoke almost lingers around him until everything is calmed down. 

Norway: This man smells like Evergreen/Pine trees and cold water with clean linens that weren’t washed with anything scented. But he can smell like chocolate, beer, and pancake mix with just a hint of pipe-smoke. (*this is coming from personal experience in Norway and this is what I remember smelling*)

Finland: I wanna say he smells like Christmas, but he’s Finland and so his Christmas is different from mine, but I will say it’s a good bet that he smells like sugar cookies and maybe wrapping paper, like that smell that lingers after you’ve cut it a bunch in the same room. Like Russia, Norway, Canada, and the rest of the colder nations he too smells cold, but he smells like snow cold, like a gentle flurry that you’d take aesthetic photos in kinda snow. But I think he has undertones of gunpowder and metal.

Denmark: This man smells like a bonfire, and I don’t really know why, but he smells like a bonfire mixed with sea water and fresh brew booze. It’s very welcoming and it almost gives you energy and makes you want to stay there a socialize with him and maybe drink and cause some trouble but that’s your decision. Unless it’s the dead of winter he doesn’t smell as cold as say Russia or Canada, but if there’s a bad storm that bonfire smell with mix well with the cold and will make you want to curl up and nap with him. 

Sweden: This man smells like a wood workshop, sometimes he smells like more fresh cut wood and others he smells like wood sealer and sawdust. Again, like the others, he smells like the cold but it’s not a pungent as some of the others like you’d have to be hugging him for a while to notice it versus Russia where you’d immediately notice it especially during winter. There are some undertones of sea water and motor oil/exhaust but like the cold, you’ll have to be hugging him to notice or he just took a shower and then those are more present. 

Asia 

China: So like Scotland, he smells old but a different kind of old, like old wood and paper. Liked like a house that hasn’t had anyone in it for a long time but it’s not rotting or anything. But on a bad day, i.e. bad weather and such, he heavily smells like smog and he desperately tries to cover it up if he gets out of bed and has to leave the house. But he tries to purposely smell clean like fresh linen’s just washed or a sparkling clean house though in his young years i.e. Silk Road and all he heavily began to smell like opium. But he always has an undertone of warm tea. 

Japan: This man smells like ink mixed with paper, and it shows on the tips of his fingers. This mainly comes from the hours he spends reading and writing various mangas and stories. But he also smells like pillow packing feathers, you know that ones that’ll stab from the inside of the pillow lining but smell great and are super fluffy. There’s also so undertones of fire embers and cats.

South Korea: His smell changes like some of the others, but its equally based on where he is and the weather. If he’s coming from Seoul he can smell like a busy street and a blend of people but if it’s raining it turns into motor oil and maybe a warm bowl of ramen. If he’s coming from somewhere like Daegu or Busan he may smell more like street food or more like the water. 

India: This man smells like spice, which does seem stereotypical, but he also smells like rain and really rich tea. But it’s all brought together with a really clean, linen smell with just hint of metallic undertones. His smell is also really bright and even fruity almost or flowery with undertones of like massage oil or something. 

Ottoman Family

Turkey: This man smells like olive oil, I know kinda weird, but the trees grow abundantly in the western part of the country and its used in the food. But she also can sometimes smell like fish but also sometimes just smell like the water, it kinda depends on what he eats and the weather. He has a smoke and sweetness undertone – like chocolate and maybe opium(?). He’ll also sometimes smell like mud and sweat but again it depends on the time of year and what he’s been doing. 

Greece: I’m gonna say it, this man smells like cats but not like cat shit or litter, just cats. That soft, fluffy, warm feeling you have when you first interact with a cat before you realize how weird they kinda smell. But he too smells old in a way, but his old smell is like colosseum old smell – marble, stone, a bit dusty but doesn’t irritate your nose. Like it’s not dirty, just it’s been here for a while kinda old. There’s also a big undertone of sea water and linen but like none processed linen so like it’s being made into something linen not ‘oh this is a shirt or sheet’ kinda linen.

Egypt: Another one that smells old but this old can be the kind that irritates your nose because his old is the old of a place that was sealed away and not messed with for a long time for good reason kinda old. But he also smells like fruit and vegetables, nothing specific but like he smells fresh and natural (?) with a mix of fresh water. 

Hungary: She smells like metal, shiny, heavy metal mixed with dirt and sweat because she’s a badass woman who fought but also, mainly because of her time with turkey, she smells a bit like hay, spice, and smoke. Though all of his doesn’t come out unless she’s either a) working out or b) just woke up because she likes to uses a lot of flower-scented products but doesn’t wear perfume. 

Other

Prussia: He smells more like beer than his brother but like Hungary, he has an old metal and grime smell to him from years of fighting and wearing armor. He also smells like paper because for a long time, especially with Fitz, he played music and when he could sleep he would study it but also it’s from all his writing and home many times he’s sat down a read over his journals. I also think he probably smells slightly like smoke but no particular scent to it like bonfire or nicotine, he just sometimes smells like smoke. 

Australia: This man is a bit all over the place. Mainly he smells a bit dry or clay-like, but it’ll mix with salt water and sand and sometimes it’ll turn really muddy and wet. I could compare it to a wet dog smell but its not gross he just very much resembles his environment and so it changes but in general his smell can be relaxing if you’re asking for a hug but if he throws his arm around smiling really wide that smell will likely give away the fact that he’s gonna drag you off to do something adventurous and potentially dangerous. 

New Zealand: They smell like grass, but not like fresh cut grass or brittle dying grass, just tall, thick, plain grass with a mix of saltwater air and mountain top cold, but this last one changes depending on where they are because they could also smell a bit dry/sandy. They also smell sweet, but not like chocolate or sugar sweet, just sweet like you a few houses down from a bakery kinda sweet. 

[sparkleapple]

Some ESC 2019 opinions

Slovenia really surprised me this year. For the past 3 years they’ve been giving us lame songs, but this year, they brought something so magical and original. Love it. 

Was expecting something half assed from Ireland, but I actually think it’s cute and I like the 60′s vibes

Having Germany in the Top 4 last year was too intense for them huh?

Some Nordic Opinions: Denmark and Finland were disappointments (wouldn’t mind Sandstorm pt. 2 tbh), Iceland came to tell Eurovision that they were sick of being non-qualifiers, Norway was the ethnic song I needed all these years in the 2010′s, and I actually wouldn’t be mad if Sweden made the top 10!

Again, I’m really happy with Spain! I wanted something fun and authentically  Spanish. They granted my wish!

Switzerland has gotten tired of being played with

Remember when I predicted Armenia and Austria were going to have generic songs? I was right sadly. 

Speaking of which...Don’t get why people are nutting over Armenia, Azerbaijan, and Greece. Heard many songs that sound just like them before. Not impressed. Azerbaijan has been giving us generic songs lately though.

Y’all low key hyping up the UK 

Watch me have a crush on Sergey Lazarev again. Pretty disappointed with his song though and I’m sure Russia brought him back bc they were mad they didn’t qualify last year.

Most improved from the last time they were in Eurovision: San Marino

Unpopular Opinion: I actually LIKE Croatia. Sure it’s dated with cringey lyrics and costume, but I can listen to this.

Well looks like the Australia POC streak is gone...Anyway, I’m glad they brought a messy song so that they can flop.  

[letters-from-alex]

December 22, 2017

Dear Ex, 

I hope you never read this. Because if and when you do… it means you still care about me.  And right now, I want to believe that you don’t.  You can’t.  Not after what you’ve done to me.  Not after what you let happen.  You promised we’d stay friends despite everything.  But then you had to fuck everything up even more for me.  How could you? 

What happened to the guy that I loved?  The one that was always there for me through thick and thin? What happened to the guy that nurtured me? The one that always let me cry on his shoulder? What happened to the guy that cared for me? The one that would make me soup when I was sick?  He’s gone.  Traveling the world and meeting with his lover across the world. The same lover who I used to call my best friend.  The same one that was fucking me behind your back.  The same one that lied to me when he said, “I love you.” The same one that chose you over me. 

And after everything you knew: The cheating.  The lying.  The heartbreak.  The self-torture.  The agony I fucking went through.  You still stayed with him.  Forgave him.  And left me.  How dare you.  What about the time when we tried to make amends? That time we actually went to lunch after a few months of silence. It was the day you told me that you were going to see your boyfriend in Finland.  Your parents had just helped you buy a plane ticket for your birthday to go visit him.  It was also the same day that I thought you needed to know the truth before you saw someone you thought you knew. I told you the truth about this boy we shared feelings for.  I confessed what was going on behind locked doors between he and I.  You were shocked at the news.  I kept it from you for three months. But to my surprise, you weren’t mad at me.  You were mad at him.  Your boyfriend of one month.  You started backtracking all the fits, tantrums, and arguments we had.  “It all makes sense now,” you said. “I am so sorry that you had to go through that. None of that was fair to you. And I can’t believe he asked you to keep those secrets from me. I kept asking him if you two were doing things behind my back. He’d always say no. I guess I was just asking the wrong person. I should’ve asked you. I can’t imagine what I would’ve done. I’m so sorry.” To which I replied, “It’s okay. I’ve had worst days.” 

I turned over to you and looked at you.  You started to cry.  Not just cry though, but bawl and sob.  “What? Why are you crying?” I asked. 

“Because that is so sad! Just knowing that you’ve had worse days. That’s just so sad.” I looked down at my cold shaking hands.  I couldn’t look at you cry, because I just would’ve wanted to cry with you.  Instead I listened to your sobs.  The night went on.  You told me more stories about yourself of the past three months. I told you mine.  You slept over.  We had fun.  You woke up, finally calm.  Said to me, “I’m going to forgive him.” Got dressed. And walked away.  You two have been together since February.  You even traveled across the world in May to visit him and stayed until August.  Congratulations.  You’re dating a lying, cheating, asshole.  The worst thing of all that haunts me the most, is the thought of you being a better person to him.  No violence.  No verbal abuse.  No intentional arguments.  No getting-under-my-skin-just-to-get-me-annoyed moments. But you?  A better person?  That’s a laugh.  I know you too well.  I keep thinking that all relationships are perfect behind cute little pictures or public “I love you’s” on social media, but that’s not true.  It’s just an illusion to hide your real sorrows behind fake smiles in your happy photos.  If I want to believe that it’s true - that you’re not a better person, then why does the thought of being false scare me? Is it because I’m a better person without you?  Because I know for a fact, that I have never been happier without you in my life.  I have evolved from my past experiences with you.  I know what I want now.  And I know what I don’t want.  I also know now that I don’t have to be treated by anyone else like the way you treated me.  You used me. It’s not what I deserved.  I was too good for you.  It’s been a year and a half since you and I broke up.  I was too scared to leave because I thought you were the only love I’d ever find.  But then I did find someone.  A someone with green eyes.  A someone whom gave me strength to leave you.  A someone that I fell in love with.  But then he left me too.  And I’m still trying to find ways to get over him.  You know who he is.  You know how much I cried for him.  I’ve gone on dates.  I’ve gotten drunk more times than my two hands can count.  I’ve fucked around with other boys.  I’ve gone through more heartache.  And I’ve also finally experienced what it’s like to be used just for sex.  Luckily, I’m not that easy and still leave with dignity.  I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.  And to be honest, I still have days where I wake up in the morning and think, “What the fuck am I doing with my life? I’m not happy. I’m never going to find someone for me. No one is going to compare to that boy with green eyes.”  And then I think of all the shitty crap that you and your boyfriend put me through.  I just really hope I never see you again because I don’t know what I’ll do. Just the thought of seeing you makes me want to scream and punch a wall. You may have tried to comprehend the pain I put myself through, but you will never know the paranoia, anxiety, and torment I went through every single time I knew you two were in an empty room together. 

I fucking hate you.  I hate you because if I was in your shoes, and I found out the person I thought I loved hurt you, I would never talk to them again.  I cared about you way too much to let someone like that get in between us. But you started thinking with the head on your dick instead of the head on your neck and took him back.  I hate you because you left me at my worst.  You know how suicidal I was when you left, and you left anyway.  I hate you because you promised me we’d still be friends, yet here we are never talking again.  Actually, I think I love you for that last one.  So, thank you.  Thank you for hurting me.  Thank you for leaving me.  Thank you for breaking your promise.  Because the distance between us has never made me feel closer to home.  Have a good life,  Your Ex

[angelsd0ntkill]

I need to distract myself so I’m doing the Answer All The Ask Meme Questions thing again.

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? My heart, my head, my gut, and my personality disorder are all at odds about how to handle heartbreak.

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? Lmao no

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? Yeah, I don’t fuck with that shit, sorry.

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? Not really. Like, I’m very open and straight-forward, which might give the impression of being trusting, but at my core I’m always expecting people to hurt me.

5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? Internet shopping.

6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? The man I’m in love with, probably.

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Rage, scream, cry, possibly get drunk. Laugh bitterly and remind myself I had this coming.

8: Are you close with your dad? As close as you can be, living across an ocean from each other.

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? I wish.

10: What are you listening to? A Youtube video about “haunted” videos.

11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Not to be boring, but ... water.

12. Do you like hickeys? Yes.

13: What time do you go to bed? Midnight, usually.

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? Eiichiro Oda.

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? Nope.

16: Do you always answer your texts? If it’s something that, y’know, needs an answer.

17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No. There are two who are on par with one another in terms of how hard I fell; the first is my platonic soulmate and the second is ... the best part of my life right now, despite everything.

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? Thursday.

19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? Janne Warman! :D

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I was probably stressing out about today and tomorrow. Today because therapy, tomorrow because I will either see Him or I won’t, and I’m not sure which would be worse....

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? No.

22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? No. Sometimes people get what they deserve, but I think it’s more of an exception than a rule, unfortunately.

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? I dunno. Four months ago was August, which was when Verso and school started up and things went downhill from summer, but I’m doing pretty shitty NOW, too, so yeah, I really don’t know. I guess I had a little more hope back then than now.

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? I’m too tired for that shit.

25: In the past week, have you cried? YEP! :^D

26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Blue and grey stripes.

27: Do people ever call you by your last name? No.

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? No?

29: Do you have a best friend? I don’t know. Guess we’ll see tomorrow, or whenever I see Him. :^))))

30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? “Hard” isn’t a big enough word, my dude, I don’t even wanna think about that happening.

31: Who was your last call from? My grandmother, probably.

32: Are you mad at anyone? Myself. My therapist.

33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Yeah.

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? 30

35: How many more days until your birthday? Exactly one month.

36: Do you have any summer plans yet? Rockfest 2018 is the only thing I’ve got planned, and even that is just like YEAH, TICKETS OBTAINED, I’M GOING. Details? What details?

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? All but one of my good friends are of the “opposite” sex.

38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? No. I can be obnoxiously open.

39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? I don’t think so. I’ve probably told all my “secrets” to at least one person.

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Yeah, the guy I had a fling with when I was like 18. Also my last ex, shoulda just Not Gone There in general.

41: Do you think age matters in relationships? To an extent. 

42: Are you available? Technically single, but emotionally unavailable.

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? One.

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Lip ring, I guess.

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Yes, eventually.

46: Do you regret anything? Several things. The aforementioned kisses. Cheating. Things I’ve said in anger. Things I’ve tried to explain but couldn’t phrase properly. Jokes I’ve cracked. Reactions and overreactions I’ve had.

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? What I’m going to wear tomorrow, whether I’ll have the energy to put on make-up in the morning, and whether I’ll be warm/comfortable enough to play Pokemon Go in those tomorrow afternoon. Also how I’m going to approach The Issue with Him if he does show up tomorrow. And whether he’ll want to hang out that day if it goes well. And whether I can hit level 29 if we hit up a legendary raid, which I ... don’t do on my own lmao.

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Too many times.

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? For him, probably. I just wished it were a proper kiss.

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? He isn’t interested.

51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Several times. :^)

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? Yes. Sort of. It’s been a weird week, hence my dilemma.

53: What was the last thing you ate? Assorted nuts. O:^)

54: Did you get any compliments today? Umm, my therapist said I’m brave, does that count?

55: Where are you going on your next vacation? Fuck if I know.

56: Do you own anything from other countries? I mean, I brought plenty of stuff from Canada and U.S.A back with me to Finland; I’ve got loads of anime merch & Alpacassos ordered from Japan; and I’ve brought back some souvenirs from Sweden and Estonia.

57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Guys.

58: Where have you lived most of your life? Canada.

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? Not last summer but the summer before, I think?

60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? No.

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? No.

62: Who do you text the most? My grandmother.

63: What was the last movie you saw? Shaun of the Dead.

64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? N/A

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2010? One.

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? No.

67: Do you curse around your parents? Yes. Around my dad, anything goes. Around my mom, there’s a fine line. Or there was. It might be different now that I’m older.

68: Are you happy with where you live? I’m not complaining.

69: Do you collect anything? Anime figures, Alpacassos (& plushies in general, really), ties.

70: What’s your favourite colour? Purple, green, red, blue.

71: Does the last song you listened to remind you of anyone? The last song I listened to was “Weight of the World” by Evanescence and mostly it just reminds me of when I was 14.

72: Has anyone ever cheated on you? Not that I know of.

73: What are your plans for tomorrow? Dress up nice, put on my war paint, try not to cry, and do what I can to salvage what I can of the most important relationship in my life at the moment. Also try not to die from the anxiety.

74: Do you have siblings over the age of twenty-one? Yes, one.

75: Does your last ex have a job? Don’t know, don’t care.

76: What would you do if you found out your most recent ex was in a relationship? He was dating before we’d properly broken up lmao. (I don’t count that as cheating because he was an idiot and because the whole situation was a jumbled fucking mess.)

77: Where is your cellphone? On the table next to me.

78: What colour is your cellphone? Black & silver.

79: What did you dream of last night? Can’t remember.

80: Are you atheist? No.

81: Will you change your name when you get married? I want to hyphenate.

82: Are you ready for autumn weather? Bitch, it’s winter.

83: Have you had any big storms recently? Nah.

84: What kind of bottoms are you wearing? Grey sweatpants.

[norxxcoffee-blog]

For the prompt thing: "I never realized how much of a coward you are" with dennor *^* (I just've finded your blog and god, your writing is awesome)

1814‘He’s going to win, you know.’ Norway said blandly, from his perch on the camp stool. Denmark exhaled slowly, dragging a hand across his haggard face. 'I know.’ It was what haunted him every night, the reason he regretted ever joining this war- that Sweden would win, and take away the only thing keeping him from madness. 'We still have time-’'Time for what, Danmark? We can’t leave now, and when the inevitable loss comes, we certainly won’t be able to.’ His half-formed dreams of running away died on his lips. Denmark’s hand felt for the bottle by his side, and something clicked inside him when his fingers brushed against the glass. He took a long drink, mind numbing a little. Norway’s mouth formed a tremulous circle. 'Den…Den, you can’t fall apart now.’'What do you mean?’ He took another drink. 'This is what happened when- when we lost Sweden. You drank and drank. And it never made anything better.’ There was a tone to his voice that made Denmark lower the bottle, though he did not relinquish it just then. A tone that made it seem like Norway cared. 'Norge, face it. Things won’t get better. Why should I pretend?’ The one light in his life would soon be extinguished. Denmark would have nothing left to live for after that- and alcohol helped him to forget, which almost made the headaches worth it. Perhaps I was already broken inside. He felt curiously calm; Norway was leaving, going forever, and all it did was create a dull ache in his chest. 'Because this isn’t forever. Sweden’s lost Finland- who’s to say he won’t lose me as well?’ Nothing is forever, my love. You might be part of Sweden for a thousand years and it still wouldn’t be forever. But even one year might be enough to destroy Denmark utterly, take everything he thought he knew and burn it in fire and blood. After a moment Norway sighed.'Iceland. You have to protect him.’ Small, pale-haired, unscarred by his guardians’ troubles as of yet, the boy who still asked Denmark to read him fairy stories at bedtime. A reason to keep going. And then, the previous moment in denial, it all hit Denmark- he would never hold Norway in his arms again, never see his secret smile, never wake up to his face every morning and feel whole. 'I swear…I swear I will keep Iceland safe. Gods, Nor-’ Denmark broke off, a lump rising in his throat. He felt the hot prick of tears behind his eyes, and squeezed them shut, flinging his bottle to one side and letting the sorrow sweep over him. Never never never, cried the darkness. Gone. 'Listen to me.’ Norway put a hand to his face, palm cold and callused. 'You cannot let this happen. You will be all Iceland has soon, and I don’t want to leave him in the hands of a depressed drunk. Do you understand?’'Yes,’ he choked out through tears. No, no, NO! Don’t leave me, he wanted to cry out. 'But I can’t do it, Nor. I just can’t…’ The hand fell away from his face. Norway drew himself up to his full height, composing his face and folding his hands behind his back. Only his voice had any emotion to it.'I never knew you were such a coward,’ he spat. That stung more than any blow. I love you. And I can’t let you go. Denmark did not know if that made him selfish, weak, cowardly, any of those useless words. All he knew was that Norway was lost to him, and there was nothing he could do.

I hope this is ok and not too short! Thanks for the ask :D

[werenzki]

Zach Werenski #3

Anonymous said: Hi! Can you do a Zach werenski imagine where auston sets you guys up and it’s awkward at first and then it’s works itself out? Love your writing💞

A/N: my babes in one imagine, coming right up!!! lowkey not sure how much i like this or not, sorry if it sucked haha 

Word Count: 1,641

This was so like him. Auston has been trying to set you up with his buddies for a couple years now, and most times it never really worked out. They’re busy about-to-be NHL players, and you were busy trying-to-be a doctor. But it never stopped Auston from introducing you to his hockey friends. It was just flat out embarrassing now. 

“Auston,” you groaned while throwing yourself onto the couch. 

“What? I’m just introducing you two, it’s not a date,” he shrugged and took a bite of his salad. He was spinning in the stool at the island in the apartment he was currently renting here in Toronto. Having just got back from a training camp of sorts, he was eating like his life depended on it too.

“You called me and said it was just going to be us,” you pouted. “I made myself presentable for your eyes, not new ones that could be judging me,”

To be honest, you weren’t that unpresentable. In fact it was a simple outfit. White tee, that you could see your cute black bralette underneath, and some jean shorts. Summer outfits weren’t ever too extravagant but you liked to look good when meeting new people.

“Who said I wasn’t judging you now?” Auston asked, being the smart ass that he always is. You were quick to grab the pillow beside you and throw it across the room. It barely made it to hit his lap. “Chill, I’m just kidding, but honestly you don’t look bad,”

“But I don’t look good either!”

Auston rolled his eyes, “yeah you do, just relax. Zach’s a cool guy,”

“I’m sure he is,” you mumbled while bringing your phone to your face. With your tongue peeking between your lips, you opened the Instagram app on your phone and searched ‘Zach’ in the explore page. Zach Werenski was the first name to pop up, seeing as Auston was following him. 

He was cute. Like really cute. And he went to the University of Michigan, partied lots, won a few things. Just as you were scrolling, a pillow came flying and hit you directly in the face. You groaned and shut your phone, fixing your wild hair before looking over to where Auston was smirking at you. 

“You shit head,” you muttered and then stood from the couch now. 

“You love me,” 

“Honestly, I have no idea why we’ve been friends for so long,” 

“Blame our parents,” Auston shrugged. 

“To be fair, after a certain age I could’ve - no I should have stopped being your friend,” you exclaimed and opened Auston’s fridge. Besides a stupid amount of prepped meals, there wasn’t a whole lot. You sighed and shut it again, grabbing a cup from the cupboard and filling it from the filtered water dispenser. 

“Zach’s on his way,” Auston stated.

“What’s our plan anyways?” 

“We’re gunna meet other Zach, Hyman, and Mitch and his girlfriend at lunch,” Auston said before having another fork full of salad. You were confused with the fact Auston was planning to have 4 meals before dinner. 

“Oh so now there’s more people than just you, me and Zach?” You questioned and leaned against the counter with your arms crossed at your chest. He was lucky you knew the others.

Auston sighed, “I knew if I told you there was a bunch of us then you wouldn’t want to hang out, and your mom said I wasn’t allowed to let you hide in the apartment the whole time you were here,”

“And you’re talking to my mom behind my back?”

“You and my mom talk all the time,” 

“Not the point,” you said and shook your head. A sigh escaped your lips, you realized there wasn’t a way to get out of this plan Auston had trapped you into now.

Going into the obis that was surfing your social media apps, you were in your own world when Auston stood up and opened the door suddenly. You pulled your eyebrows together and watched him, know very well there wasn’t a knock or anything. Then suddenly he was laughing and someone joined him, cursing under his breath as well. Well, this Zach guy sure did look good from behind. 

Just as he was about to turn around you quickly adverted your eyes back to your phone screen. Auston and him were talking about whatever - him getting lost in the building - but Auston was quick to introduce you. 

“This is Y/N,” Auston pointed to you and you stood up straight, “Y/N, this is Zach,” 

“Nice to meet you,” Zach smiled. He definitely looked even better in person than in his Instagram posts. 

“You too,” you said with a smile. 

“Actually, I think we briefly met before, in Finland,” Zach stated, looking at Auston for a quick second before his gaze fell back to you. You had gone on a trip with yours and Auston’s family last year to watch him in the WJC, all the way in Finland, but it was cool and a pretty fun family trip. Definitely not your classic destination vacation though. 

“We did?” You questioned. 

“Uh, yeah,” Zach nodded, “I don’t really remember it, but I know I saw you there for sure,” 

A blush crept onto your cheeks, making you look away from him and down at the floor. “Oh, I kinda met a bunch of the team in one day, I don’t remember either,” you stated. But now it sure was on your mind. You tried to recall when the quick introduction was, but nothing came to you. 

“Alright, well let’s get going or Mitch will start bitching that we’re late,” Auston said while grabbing his car keys. 

You walked into the living room to grab your purse and then slipped into your boots. For a moment you debated running back across the floor to where your jacket was resting on the back of the couch, but you noticed Zach stay behind. He was holding the door open, watching you, while Auston was already out the door. Nervously, you pushed back a piece of your hair behind you ear and smiled at him. 

“Thanks,” you said while walking out the apartment and he shut the door. Seeing that Auston was already down the hall, you rolled your eyes and took out the spare key that you had in the front pocket of your purse and locked his apartment door. 

“No problem,” Zach said as you locked the door. 

The three of you got into the awaiting elevator, a weird awkwardness settled in then. Zach kept glancing your way, trying to be discreet, and it was making your stomach do crazy flips every time his hazel eyes fell onto you. As you all approached Auston’s car Zach offered you the front seat, but you quickly declined it and got into the back. 

Lunch went well, Steph had to leave afterwards though which made it a guys hang plus you. Jokes were made but you quickly quipped back at the guys and dragged yourself out of the car. Zach held open the car door for you while you got out, you gave him a smile and walked towards the line that was to get into the CN tower. The four of you had quickly turned into tourists seeing as there wasn’t much else to do.

“We got tickets online though, is there a separate line for that?” Mitch asked. 

“Yeah, I have no idea,” Auston shrugged. Suddenly you saw the wicked look in his eye, one you’d grown familiar with over the years. “How about you two stay here and we’ll go to the information centre, just keep our spot in this line in case,” he said - directed to you and Zach. 

“Auston,” you all but growled his name as he sent a very on edge Zach a wink. 

“It’s fine dude, just don’t be awkward,” Auston said to Zach while patting his shoulder and then following after Hyman and Mitch whom were a few steps ahead of him. 

Zach and you didn’t make eye contact once they left. Awkward was exactly what was happening right now. For some stupid reason Zach made you nervous, and you hated it cause you knew there was no way in hell this had any kind of chance. There wasn’t a doubt in your mind that he had a busy NHL life and you were starting up your second year in university next month. Relationships, especially long distance ones, weren’t going to work out. Let alone actually getting to know the cute boy standing beside you.

“Auston’s playing match maker again,” you sighed while Zach reached up to scratch the back of his neck. He squinted from the sun being in his eyes while you looked up at him finally.

“Yeah, I figured,” he chuckled. 

You shook your head and looked over to where Auston had run off to. “Not quite sure why, he knows I’m moving to Columbus in September,” 

“Wait, what?” Zach questioned, his voice full of genuine interest. You looked back at him, taking in his furrowed - perfect - brows and plump lips. It really was a shame you couldn’t get to really know this guy, he sure was cute. But with him being so thrown off by what you had said, you were now just as confused. 

“I’m moving to Columbus, like Ohio,” you stated. 

“You’re serious?”

“Uh yeah, I’d say my education is pretty serious,” 

“It’s just sort of weird,” Zach said, “I’m starting my first season in Columbus,”

Your eyes widened and your head tilted to the side. “No shit,” you chuckled, “you’re saying Auston actually had a method to his madness?” 

“I guess so,” Zach laughed. You smiled, genuinely having butterflies from simply hearing his laugh. And it wasn’t the first time those butterflies had appeared this afternoon. And sometime told you it wasn’t about to be the last time either.