#ALSO I’m back to say she’s incredibly repressed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

randomfoggytiger · 3 months ago

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React: A Late-Canon Reviler Gives the Revival a Try (Founder's Mutation), Part II

This is gonna be quick and dirty because my keyboard’s acting up--

IT’S A CONTINUATION FROM MY STRUGGLE I?????????? NO WHY NO, PLEASE NO.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

WHY do those glasses not fit anymore?? If Mulder lifts his eyebrows, they don’t even touch his cheekbones. But they were fine last episode, what happened.

Mulder reminding us about William in yet another opening monologue. I may have the memory of a goldfish, Mulder, but I don’t have brain damage.

I’m already so tired.

Narration, narration, sudden voice change and drop, “Bringing Scully and I back together”-- okay, that’s straight-up David's voice.

Oh, good. A bloody eyeball. How marvelous.

If this is the brain Morse Code episode, I will throw hands.

I’m Dr. Sanjay. We’re both too tired.

WHAT’S WITH THE SHAKY CAM AS DR. SANJAY DETERIORATES.

I’m not gonna be nit-picky… okay, I am.

The X-Files has a certain style, aesthetically. Because of that, one has to operate inside the rules in order to cleverly bend them. Shaky cam AND close-up break two rules back-to-back.

This "modernization" isn’t a limbered stretch so much as a spinal dislocation.

Ghost in the Machine and Blood 2.0, I see. But worse.

The “Sanjay losing control” scene is… not too different from similar 90s ones.

But that’s the problem-- the visuals have updated, but not the method. And that leaves us with the impression that the director or screenwriter or both are either amateur or outdated.

It’s also incredibly cluttered and confusing. Not confusing in a way that would expertly translate the meltdown in Sanjay’s brain, but confusing in a way that bombards us, the audience, with compounding “lost in translation” errors.

Okay, welp, he’s dead.

WHY do Mulder and Scully sound so old? Was it absolutely necessary to suck the life force out of the actors every time they walked on set? For Pete’s sake, I’ve heard more life in David’s voice while reading a Lexus ad.

Okay, DD’s picking up a bit, and GA’s compensating with her expressions but none of this is engaging.

Minor nitpick-- and I know both actors complained about wardrobe later-- but the second Mulder gets pants that fit him and Scully remembers to finish buttoning up her top, the sooner I’ll get a glimpse of the old show. Just sayin’.

His pants will eventually swing to the opposite tragedy, copping a feel while forcing him to do a little Marilyn Monroe shimmy.

I shall call them Patriarchy Pants.

Scully knows Indian?

She really is the series’ language OC, isn’t she.

Mulder got this informant to trust him by flashing his puppy eyes. I mean… it’s always worked on Scully.

Speaking of which… where’s Scully?

I’m wracking my brain, but I thiiiiiiiiiiink it’s consistent, even pre-S9 canon, for Mulder to sneak off and fill Scully in later. So, no complaints. I think.

What is it about the comedy scene that didn’t work…?

Hm.

‘Kay, so, if this guy (Gupta, looked it up) is no longer a repressed homosexual-- like he chastises Mulder for being-- then why was he so skittish in the bar?

He didn’t know Sanjay was dead, so therefore he didn’t know he was in danger (note from the future: he isn't in danger... which explains his skittishness even less.)

So, is his jumpiness because of repressed or hidden homosexuality? But he says he's out and urges Mulder to come out, as well.

Perhaps he's saying one thing and living another, i.e. pretending to be out and proud to save face in front of Mulder.

But then... that would be the comedy in this scene-- that he would have to eat his words (ex. another guy opens the door on them and Gupta makes a big fuss trying to cover up the homosexuality of it all-- “no homo” dialed up to 11, etc.)

So, he was either scared to be on a hit list-- yet wasn’t aware he might be on one-- or scared of being outed-- yet didn't signal this in his actions or dialogue.

If this is Gupta’s only scene, it was a waste.

It was a waste of an introduction, regardless. But.

Oh, Scully’s doing an autopsy, got it.

Characters are playing by their strengths, got it.

Also, forgot to note, Mulder sensing the guys in the bar were bad news points to his years spent on the job. A great touch.

…Unless, now that I think of it, Gupta invited him to a gay or hookup bar, consequently making Mulder look like an out-of-touch old buffoon. Which… fits his characterization in My Struggle I, but I hope for better things.

I didn’t see any tension in Scully’s arms while pulling the instrument out of Sanjay’s ear, but, ya know, there weren’t perfect moments in OG canon, either.

Gupta’s still here, okay. (DD getting away with a bit of humor by having Mulder act slightly out-of-place chuggin down in a bar-- I see you.)

IT IS A GAY BAR.

MULDER’S AN IDIOT, CONFIRMED.

“He lived two lives.” Okay, that’s f-- “In two separate places.” NO, no, nonono-- get back over the unsubtle line before I whip out the broom, shooshooshooshooshoo.

Wait, why is Mulder explaining the autopsy results instead of Scully?

Even when he had a… siiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

Even when Mulder had a brewing theory in mind, he always let Scully explain all her results before asking pointed questions, hearing her findings, then crafting a theory and running it by her.

Here, Scully says, “I broke fingers to find words on palm"/"instrument went into these parts of the brain” and Mulder says “It went in at that angle then turned at this angle"/"[insert theory].”

When it SHOULD be: Scully explains fingers and cause of death, Mulder points at the pics and asks why the instrument’s angle changed, Scully says “it went in 90 degree angle then turned 60 degrees”, and Mulder concludes “Like he was hunting for something.”

The shots widen out or cut back for shock value, it seems. Sanjay’s body is shown obliquely until Scully says she “looked everywhere” for clues, which prompts the camera to cut to a wide shot and hang on his sawed-open skull. The timing’s oddly comedic, the music is light, and nothing about the scene meshes. It quickly pancakes, leaving us and the characters with dead (heh) air.

The dialogue leans “we’re gonna do this next” telling rather than natural conversation showing.

And-- I’ve gotta be frank-- I’ve not caught an ounce of chemistry from DD and GA aside from the scene where they were talk about phone stealing and Indian languages.

The car scene contributed nothing... except a kid accidentally fell over the hood. Reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal covert set-up, I tell ya.

Sanjay’s other apartment scene was… weird. They walk around, find pictures of experiments on kids, barely react, trip the silent alarm so the police show up--

Sorry, no, wait. The police show up ASAP, in THIS part of town? NAH. Not happening.

Okay, the scene where Mulder has a… brain… thingy WORKS because it uses just the right amount of “new trick”: closeups without disorienting lens action slapped on top. THAT’s how you integrate a modernized technique into an older show; and it fits seamlessly into The X-Files.

SO WHY DIDN’T THEY DO THIS FROM THE GET-GO?

Also, Scully may have had cancer, but she never had migraines. Those seem to be reserved for Mulder.

Oh, we’re in Skinner’s office now. I guess.

The clips are so poorly paced, switching or holding or integrating at the weirdest times. It even undercuts Mulder’s quips or Scully’s reactions.

On a side note, DD and GA probably had a hard time finding their characters-- as they mentioned for both IWTB and the Revival-- because all they had to work off of was plot regurgitation. ....What do you do with that?

I love the touch of Skinner playing hardball until Corporate Interest Guy leaves, then immediately switching to, “I assume you’re going to need [classified] copies, right?”

…

…..

…….

Scully really doesn’t have much to add, does she?

OH, we’re in the basement now. We're just... here. The first scene of these two back down here and they're just. Here. ...'Kay.

Mulder and Scully talking over his experience is the closest I’ve gotten to mature MSR… and it’s ruined by Scully stating the obvious, “There were no sounds. I didn’t hear anything.”

LOOK, OKAY? Mulder became CATATONIC before with these exact same symptoms and was only saved by a secret science mumbo jumbo brain surgery, WHY ISN’T SHE WORRIED. It’s equivalent to her getting a nosebleed and just wiping it away, no big deal.

“Mulder, what are you hiding?”

He’s not hiding anything, Scully, he’s telling you.

But if he were, that’d be outta character even for Beanpole Sneakybritches. By this point, he’d have a functioning theory to share with the class-- which he did, lest we forget.

...Or developed a taste for Hercule Poirot drama while holed up in depressed isolation, I guess (which you left him to, Scully; so this is your fault, tangentially.) Which would be stupid.

(Note from the future: He was hiding something, but it didn't make sense how he leaped to that conclusion, anyway; so, logically, he has nothing to hide from her in this scene.)

But when's that stopped the show before?

“What are you hiding?”

“Sanjay heard sounds right before he died. It could be you, Mulder.”

WHAT.

Scully and Mulder established in the lab that Sanjay heard noises right before he died.

Mulder heard noises.

Tells Scully in the basement.

Scully: “I didn’t hear noises.” No reaction.

Scully: “What are you hiding?”

Mulder explains his frequency theory.

Scully doesn’t see how it fits.

Mulder: “What are you hiding?”

Scully: “Sanjay heard sounds right before he died. It could be you, Mulder.” No reaction.

PLEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE END MY SUFFERING.

16 min. in.

Been typing nearly an hour (a dying keyboard’ll do it to ya.)

“This is dangerous,” Scully says, flatly.

“When has that ever stopped us?” Mulder asks, brightly.

He is quite literally trying to pump life back into her-- WHO directed GA this way? You can tell which scenes she is given freer reign in (more natural, less muted) and which ones she is more tightly “guided” (less alive, more dead.)

How is she spry enough to be a field agent? How is Mulder? Skinner hasn’t aged a day but these two have been MOWED. DOWN. DD and GA aren’t like this in real life, so what gives?

Our Lady of Sorrows, go away.

It’s Karen Kosseff except it isn’t.

Mulder and Scully sneakily scare the daylights outta a Conservative-adjacent medical personnel with the dreaded threat of an “Obamacare” witchhunt... and at this point, the social commentary seems performative rather than intelligent.

I’m not gonna break it down by politics; but suffice to say, while Mulder and Scully were never above a little “campaign of misinformation”, but they've never stooped low enough to fearmonger-- in fact, they looked down on those who did.

CC-- he wrote this episode, too, right?-- turned them from FBI agents with ethics into Secret Agents with a dose of Krycekian immorality.

Just when I think I’ve “found” MSR, the writing snatches them back from me.

…And ANOTHER THING.

Ever since IWTB, Our Lady of Sorrows has been an awful, horrible, no-good, close-minded facility stuffed to the brim with egos and bottom-of-the-barrel intelligence. At least they’ve been upgraded from “let the kid die” psychopaths to “OBAMACARE?? INVESTIGATING OUR SAINTED, CONSERVATIVE COLLEAGUE????” Which makes them stupidly impressionable and stupendously ignorant of the law. Which they would know… because it affects their hospital.

There’s no hint (thus far) that Scully has some dirt on them and maneuvers them into compliance by hinting at certain shortcuts they wouldn’t want investigated. No. Instead, she weaponizes their faith-- calling the guy they want to interview a “godsend”-- despite sharing it, and despite taking all matters of belief very seriously; then lets Mulder slip in the Obamacare line because… Conservative medical professionals would cow in the face of that implication instead of, I don’t know, stonewalling to protect their ranks?

It’s such a silly, nonsensical line.

I just want old Mulder and Scully back, is that too much to ask for?

And the lady almost stonewalled, anyway. It was pure luck that Scully pulled the right emotional strings.

UGH.

“I’ll agree to relay a message,” Not-Karen says… then walks off before asking what that message would be. …Sure, fine, that makes sense.

Pregnant teen or young woman and….

And….

WHAT, IS THIS A CONTINUED PLOT POINT???????????

ANOTHER PREGNANCY PLOTLINE?????????? DO THE POWERS-THAT-BE NO LONGER HAVE ACCESS TO TUBES OR JARS OR WHATHAVEYOU TO GROW THEIR EXPERIMENTS, OR DID THEY ALL COPYPASTE THE EVES' AND DR. PARENTI’S VERY SPECIFIC NICHE?????

Hate the camera angles, too, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

Used and abused women, dismissed young mothers, callous Catholic hospitals…. It’s so… vitriolic. And all so poorly handled.

“Desire is the devil’s pitchfork,” oh, great, the Catholic nun? lady is eeeeeeeeeeevil, who would have knooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooown--

WHY. DOES. MULDER. SOUND. SO. OLD.

No wonder DD and GA think the series isn’t really about happy endings, they were shuffling around like geriatric Eeyores half the time.

Scully pushing back against Mulder protecting her from the incubation theory right after he tells her the incubation theory: in a word, disjointed. She needed to confront him BEFORE he spells it out to her--

…My brain melted and I lost the thought…. Wait…. Nope, it’s gone.

“Is this what you believe happened to me, fifteen years ago? When I got pregnant, when I had my baby?” WWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAT.

“Mybaby”??????????? After all this time, MY BABY.

WHY ISN’T GA ACTING APPROPRIATELY, SHE’S GIVING US NOTHING DESPITE BEING THE SOLE EMOTIVE PERSON ON THIS TEAM.

IF THAT LINE IS MEANT TO IMPLY SHE’S CREATING DISTANCE WITH “MY BABY” BECAUSE SHE THINKS MULDER IS DISOWNING WILLIAM, YOU’VE NOT ESTABLISHED, AT ALL, THAT RETICENCE IS PART OF HER SELF-PRESERVATION-- NOT ONE TIME, SINCE THE REVIVAL STARTED.

AND IF THAT WERE THE CASE, SCULLY WOULD HAVE ACCUSED HIM DIFFERENTLY: NOT FLAT AND TIRED, BUT FLAT AND ANGRY. WHERE’S SCULLY’S ANGER THAT SHE’S HAD FROM DAY ONE, THAT SHE LOST RIGHT AFTER EXISTENCE SAID HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER????????

GIVE ME GUMPTION, GIVE ME SPIT, GIVE ME FIRE, GIVE ME RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION!!!!

SO THEY ABANDONED THE INCUBATOR TALK TO TALK ABOUT HER REGRETS, I GUESS.

THERE WAS NO POINT A TO POINT B, WE’RE JUST HERE NOW.

I don’t mind the rehash-- Mulder and Scully both had a habit of doing that, back in the day… but I’m not getting any of MULDER or SCULLY from these two… Revival robots.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, this is the “what could have been” episode. Thanks, I’m gonna hate it.

“Do you think he could have been an experiment?”

“I don’t know,” GET OUTTA HERE, ACTUALLY GET OUTTA HERE.

MULDER’S WHOLE ARC IN ESSENCE-EXISTENCE WAS THAT HE KNEW THE MATH ADDED UP TO BEING WILLIAM’S FATHER (though the writers did their best to obfuscate that issue) BUT WAS AFRAID SCULLY’S BABY WOULD BE BORN WITH SURPRISES. INSTEAD, HE WAS A NORMAL, HEALTHY BABY; AND MULDER CALLED HIS SON A MIRACLE BECAUSE OF IT.

BEFORE SEASON 9 RETCONNED IT, ANYWAY. BUT EVEN THEN, WILLIAM WAS UNDENIABLY HIS MINI MULDER.

Even in IWTB, how many years later, Mulder still considered William theirs.

Also, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait.

Pause.

Rewind.

Stop.

Mulder misses William but had to put that “behind him.”

That. has got to be. The most. antithetical statement to Mulder’s character that I have ever. Ever. heard.

You can’t have it both ways, CC: Mulder can’t be pushed by the ghosts of his past into wrecking his and Scully’s relationship, twice (IWTB and the Revival), while also putting HIS CHILD behind him.

nnooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOnonononononNONONONONONONO.

THAT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. THAT MAKES NO SENSE.

YOU’RE A LIAR, A LYING LIAR LIAR FACE.

THAT’S NOT MULDER.

MULDER WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.

SCULLY MIGHT, BUT EVEN THEN SHE’D STILL BE LYING TO HERSELF.

Scully was shattered into a million pieces in My Struggle I, and Mulder is obliterated in this one.

How.

Absolutely.

Lovely.

Also, again, Scully isn’t emoting fear or terror for her son. At all.

NORMAL SCULLY VOICE??????????????????????????????????

NORMAL. SCULLY. VOICE????????????????????????????????????????

WHAT.

I’M, I’M, WHAT.

FOR THE FLASHBACKS, BUT NOT FOR THE SERIES????????????????????????

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The cutback from the flashback-dreamsequence-whatever to Scully just… sitting there. Not napping. Not dreaming, just. Thinking, I guess.

But the sequence was obviously a dream, so.

Can you imagine if she snapped upright from her dream, possibly at her desk? The gifs sets that could have been made mirroring this moment to Mulder’s nightmare in Paper Hearts.

THERE’S THE SAME “OPEN THE DESK DRAWER TO SEE A PHOTO” MOTIF, TOO.

...WHY IS THAT ASSISTANT WALKING LIKE SHE'S ON A CATWALK?

That actress said, “This is my big shot, I’m gonna stick out” (literally), and dressed to kill.

…Or she’s a piece of commentary on the Evil Scientist Doctor and the male gaze, or something.

Guys, no facility would have kids kept behind glass cages for their entire lifespan.

That’s dumb.

Scully tells the scientist he’s testing (trying to isolate) for alien DNA. He shows them out.

Agnes (the teen or young mother) got killed and her baby taken, of course.

At least Scully’s no longer pretending medical people aren’t stealing babies or creating mutants, I guess.

I GUESS.

Mulder had to wiggle his way over to the printer because his Patriarchy Pants (first sighting!) are too tight. (Told you his fashion swings in the opposite direction.)

Mulder said, “This is my skinny jean era”, and I think I’m traumatized.

Syndicate wanted to colonize the world with alien-human hybrids, says Mulder. And though it was unsuccessful--

(HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT)

--he doubts they stopped trying.

So, that sweeps away the Supersoldiers, I guess.

Since, y’know, the Revival said the aliens were never involved to begin with.

So it was just the government making a hoax of the government hiding aliens but pretending they weren’t but really were but weren’t.

Got it.

What did Scully’s study about all European men being traced back to three individuals in the Bronze age (that’s a reference to Shem, Ham, and Japheth, isn’t it CC?) have to do with Mulder’s point other than for her to talk about her study.

An illustrative hypothetical:

Mulder: “Everyone loves juice.”

Scully: “I read a paper last year that found the three most favored juice flavors tie back to the Whirligig tastebud genome.”

…’Kay.

I HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES LEFT, LET IT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND.

Jackie (Evil Scientist Man's “insane” wife) doesn’t like cats and threw an apple at it. …Why’s there a loose cat in the “mental asylum”?

They put in the spooky track from the original show-- the tinkling symbol sound-- when she recounted her daughter breathing underwater, but I liked that bit.

Good filming, good bit.

Jackie was being used for experiments, crashed her car, was forced via the brain thingy to cut her child out, the end.

…Oh, right, this plot was supposed to be about Sanjay.

My bad.

You forgot, too, didn’t you.

…Why doesn’t Jackie like cats again?

(Note from the future: Jackie feared her biological daughter because she had supernatural abilities; and ran away hoping to save her son from the same experimentation and fate. ...But her son? (or her daughter?) already had powers and forced her to cut him out??? by manipulating her brain????????? to find his way back to his sister??????????????? Even though he was a baby??????????????????? (She still doesn't know this and wishes she could see him again...????????????????????????????????????????)

This is such a BAD. SCRIPT.

It has no direction, it swings wildly from topic to topic, nothing really connects together, it’s all… nonsensical garbage.

Mulder gets closeted at a gay bar, the Catholic lady hates men and thinks unwed mothers are damaged, women are made to cut babies out of their stomachs, Mulder put William behind him, Scully has a waking dream instead of a sleeping one, aaaaaaaaaaaaand… Jackie hates cats.

No, you will not get a logical explanation for any of this.

Awwww, look, Jackie’s talking about her missing boy because she thinks about him “every day” but hasn’t seen him since and so does Scully, of course, and Mulder can sense that so he, looks, too, and this case will make him cling to William’s memory again and--

One word. Riverdale.

“All my training-- everything that I know about psychology--” WHAT. Scully, you’re a medical doctor, not a psychologist. Definitely not a psychiatrist.

So Mulder can read x-rays with medical accuracy, and Scully can read Indian and diagnose someone’s psychological state.

Great.

Just peachy.

By the way, if you’re wondering why Mulder keeps getting bumped into or keeps peripherally noticing janitorial staff at each location, here’s your payoff (NO, IT WASN’T HAMFISTED, YOU JUST DIDN’T NOTICE THAT THIS WAS A PLOT POINT AT ALL, IT'S SO CLEVER):

The janitors work for a larger company that also services the hospitals. And Sanjay’s company.

….Eh? Eh? Clever isn’t it??

NOITISN’T.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, so the kids are dying and inadvertently killing… off… their… parent? Or something? Or the reverse?

(Note from the future: Jackie feared her biological daughter because she had supernatural abilities; and ran away hoping to save her son from the same experimentation and fate. ...But her son?-- or her daughter?-- already had powers and forced her to cut him out??? by manipulating her brain????????? to find his way back to his sister??????????????? Even though he was a baby??????????????????? And she still doesn't know this, hoping to see him again someday...????????????????????????????????????????

THAT DOESN'T EXPLAIN WHY THE TEEN/YOUNG WOMAN WAS ALSO FORCED TO CUT HER BABY OUT AFTER BEING HIT BY A CAR, per the baby's instructions. Because that's what the episode says happens.

DO THESE ALIEN BABIES HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER OR WHAT????)

Guys, this is dumb.

Mulder’s stupid sunglasses.

But he looks goofy overall, so I’ll CHOOSE to be endeared rather than angry or petulant.

(IchoosethisIchoosethisIchoosethisIchoosethis--)

Wait, why does Mulder keep getting affected by the brain thing?

More importantly.

The episode is setting up a few, blatant parallels:

These parents are having brain problems.

Their kids are experimentation kids.

William's probably an experimentation kid.

Which is stupid, but would then prove Mulder is the biological father.

They will sacrifice this parallel to the plot but also because Scully, not Mulder, ends up being the one to communicate constantly with William.

Which would prove William-Jackson is still Scully's biologically.

(Note from the future: This complete theory is debunked in about two seconds; but will be recycled later for Scully's Morse Code seizure. Wonderful.)

It’s all.

So.

Stupid.

Stupid sunglasses.

I…

I died laughing.

Guys.

I’m gonna include a clip because it’s so goofy.

Context: Mulder’s brain thingy is acting up, so Scully has to run around to find a kid-- Kyle-- so he’ll… help? her partner. Hence, we have Gillian trying to keep up her Revival smoker voice whilst running off and shouting, “KYyyYYyyyyYYLLllelleleee”:

This is The X-Files.

Weep and gnash your teeth in torment.

This is old.

Sorry, Mulder’s ears should be busted by now. Gimme fic where he now has to use hearing aids.

They grabbed Kyle and stuffed him in the car.

Ahh, this is the scene where Mulder looks back at Kyle and someone mentioned it looks like Mulder looking back at William in another, better universe (post here.)

Okay, so, this kid doesn’t mean to hurt people by communicating with his mind, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut was or wasn’t responsible for Sanjay’s death (who was helping him.)

Scully decides “LET’S PRETEND TO HAND HIM OVER TO HIS EVIL SCIENTIST DAD IN ORDER TO FIND HIS SISTER” and that sounds reasonable. As reasonable as a starving pig at a pie fair.

Wait.

The kid was a janitor.

Sanjay was helping him.

Sanjay was working for Evil Scientist dude.

Sanjay was trying to figure out where the kid's sister was, or he knew where she was but wasn't telling the kid?

The kid-- Kyle-- accidentally killed Sanjay because his... powers were outta control?

And... the kid can connect with different people's minds and that's how he hacked Mulder's brain (which retracts my biological theory... until, again, Scully's Morse Code seizure reinforces it.)

But the kid attacked Mulder when Mulder and Scully questioned his (adopted) mom... didn't he already know who Mulder was?

And the kid kept pressuring Sanjay to find his sister, so much so that Sanjay hadn't been able to sleep well or function in weeks?

So, this kid's... questionable, at best.

Evil Scientist, M.D., pretended to introduce the kid to his sister, but Kyle wasn't BAMBOOZLED nor FOOLED.

Oh, btw, this kid is Jackie’s son. Looks an awful lot like William-Jackson... but anyway. (Jackson's storyline is brazenly ripped off from CC's own material, wow-- right down to the "never saw my son again" line. The writers have charming things to say about adopted families in The X-Files.)

Now he’s running around the hospital looking for Molly (the sister who scared Jackie because she can breathe underwater, etc. etc.)

Reunited with Molly.

Now the kids are throwing the adults with their minds and killing Evil Scientist Badman with the brain thing in order to stay reunited, I guess. Like the Eves. (Another rip-off recycle of their own source material.)

SO, anyway, the Evil Scientist Father died a very gruesome death.

Cut to the place swarmed with FBI.

Another guy said, “Skinner, keep your sfjfkfsdfksj behind the red tape.” I think. Can’t understand him.

Guys, this is the first Mulder-and-Scully posturing I’ve seen since the series began. Praise be, they’re not mannequins.

Here's the Mulder and William "could have been"s.

See, guys? His faith is back. He’s choosing to remember his son and reengage with his past~.

Yeah, and where did THAT come from.

To recap:

Mulder had depression sometime after 2012, so bad that it made Scully… leave, I guess (which would have been a death sentence for someone with a temperament like Mulder’s.)

But he shouldn't have had depression after 2012 because 2012 just reset the Colonization clock (according to he, himself, and his theory.)

So, he’s got "no reason" depression, then disconnects from Conspiracies and shoves away memories of William.

But he hadn’t had a breakdown or disconnect from reality before My Struggle I (which made Scully’s decision to leave even stupider.)

And Scully worries he’ll have a breakdown in My Struggle I.

And he actually didn’t leave Conspiracyville despite also leaving it and knowing things he shouldn’t and not knowing things he should.

Following?

Conspiracy guy calls up Skinner who calls up Scully who calls up Mulder; and he and she don't hesitate to investigate despite putting “that life” behind them.

There were no aliens, period, only men in government wearing suits or planting false memories or whathaveyou.

He’s still got depression but doesn’t, actually, in My Struggle I despite Scully thinking he does and worrying he’ll have a breakdown despite knowing he left Conspiracyville; but also won't be coming home, etc. etc.

Both are let into the FBI.

Still following?

He put William behind him but engages in conspiracies now (despite still engaging in them while not engaging in them-- you get it.)

Let me reiterate: Mulder. put someone that he loved. behind him.

Mulder makes peace with the thought that William’s his son regardless and daydreams about movies and rocket ships.

And that’s that on all his hangups, I guess. His crops are watered and his depression is cured.

And now he and Scully are installed at the FBI... despite the unlikelihood either of them would pass the physical tests, let alone the training they'd need to requalify. To put them on the field otherwise would be very, very dangerous... right, Skinner?

The End.

Just make this easier for me next time and beat a bat over my head.

I do have another nitpick.

Mulder is too downcast in his “happier times” flashbacks, especially compared to Scully’s buoyant, sweet, upbeat persona. So, basically, he has a stunning lack of imagination, I guess.

Which, jokes aside, is an interesting thought: Mulder creating realities in his mind so convincingly mapped onto his current one that it’s even more devastating to snap out of them and face each and every unsatisfying day.

Also, both he and Scully have the same sort of nightmare....

This had BETTER be Jackson’s way of reaching out to them for help, or so help me I’m going to label these moments as narrative clickbait.

EYYYYYY, we got an actual Mulder “NO!” It sounded like him, too! FINALLY! SPIRIT! SPUNK! THE MULDER ESSENCE.

Oh, yeah, that William can get yeeted-- he doesn’t fit my headcanon, anyway.

Mulder's sitting upright, too, without having woken from a nightmare.

…So this was a deliberate choice on the filmmakers’ part.

So this is setting up for something. Like William communicating to them BOTH in waking dreams.

We all know that won’t happen, but, anyway.

CONCLUSION

YOU’RE NOT GETTING ME WITH THE HAPPY FAMILY TIMES, YOU MANIPULATORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

YOU CAN’T TAKE ME ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE.

Also: very rarely do I like movie kitchens, but Mulder's... is alright.

Lastly: again, I am so tired.

Thanks for reading~

Enjoy!

#txf #React #mine #A Late-Canon Reviler Gives the Revival a Try #Part II #S10 #Founder's Mutation #Revival Reviler's first-time watch through #Revival #x-files #the x files #xfiles #Mulder #Scully #William #first-time watch through #thoughts #xf meta #uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh

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byeoltoyuki · 10 months ago

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✧memories of us ✧ a touch

↳ Pairing: Jisung x Reader

❧ Genre : romance / smut /fluff / 1st love to strangers to lovers

❧ Summary: Sometimes memories are just that. Memories.

❧ Warnings: fingering , Minho is watching

A series of drabbles about you and Jisung, about your love and your heartbreak and a second chance.

❧ A/N: Likes and reblogs are appreciated ♥

Masterlist / previous / next

Whoever thought that having a horror-movie night was a good idea was an idiot. Not that you didn’t like horror movies, quite the opposite even. But the others? Not so much. Nevertheless, everybody agreed to meet at Changbin’s place, being the biggest, because you loved spending time together. Even in misery.

“Guess I’m not sleeping tonight.” Yunji complained with a loud groan.

“Or maybe you’re going to use this chance to get all cozy with Minho.” You teased her. You had been suspicious about them for a while. You just had a feeling there was something going on. They always bickered, always pushed at each other’s buttons but they were also incredibly protective other each other.

Yunji didn’t disappoint. She dropped the bag of chips and looked at you, mouth opened in shock and wide eyes. “No! Never!”

You leaned closer, smirking. Someone was being too defensive tonight. “Sure about that?”

“You little shit!” She hit your arm to hide her embarrassment. “Then what about you and Jisung? Do you think we’re blind?”

That was unexpected and almost made you wish you hadn’t teased your friend about her not so odd relationship with Minho. Karma was real. “What about us?” You straightened your back and averted your eyes from her face, trying to look and sound as nonchalant as possible.

Yunji rolled her eyes and resumed filling the bowls with snacks. “You’re close. Is there something going on?”

You wished you could tell her but you weren’t completely sure what to say. Yes, there was something; you had kissed, you had shared sweet moments together. But were you dating? Not really. You didn’t know how to label your relationship, so you didn’t. You waited for the right moment to have the talk with him.

“We’re close.” You ended up saying. “That’s all.”

Yunji hummed not convinced but dropped the subject. Maybe because she preferred for you to be comfortable around to talk about you and Jisung, or maybe she was simply afraid this conversation would turn back on her. Instead, she finished her job; she put different snacks on the big plate while you grabbed the different drinks.

“Let’s face our doom.” Yunji cheered and tried to repress the shiver. Among all of you, Yunji was definitely the most sensitive when it came to horror movies; you could only applaud her courage for coming.

“At least, Changbin had outdone himself.” You pointed out at the appalling amount of blankets and cushions he had prepared for the night. His living room looked anything but a living room; blankets were all over the place, on the floor, on the couch, on the chairs – everywhere. It made the room looked absolutely cozy.

Jisung had already settled, claiming his place on the couch. Changbin chose the floor, a big, fluffy cushion pressed against his chest. Minho, on the other hand, chose the armchair large enough for two.

“How come we’re the one doing all the work?” Yunji scolded the three men.

“Excuse me, but I’m doing an important job!” Changbin protested and pointed at her with the remote. “I’m choosing the most terrifying movie for tonight.”

Yunji actually shook at his words and it did not go unnoticed.

Minho smirked evilly at her. “What’s wrong, kitten. Scared?”

“Fuck you, Minho.” Yunji hurried to reply and put the plate on the table just to give him a finger.

“You wish, babe.”

Before they could start a fight, Changbin opened his arms widely. “Come here, I’ll protect you.” What a sweet gentleman. Yunji did exactly what he suggested. She joined him on the floor and Changbin was quick to wrap her in a blanket and put some cushions to make her comfortable. “You’ll be fine.”

She wouldn’t but she appreciated the intention either way.

You, on the other hand, considered your options. Of course, there was still room for you on the floor but lying beside Jisung seemed like a rather good yet dangerous idea. Jisung took the matter in his own hands; he gently grabbed your hand and pulled you with enough strength to make you fall on the couch, right beside him. Without giving you time to protest, he pulled his blanket over the two of you and pulled you in his arms. “We’re ready! Let’s the night begin!”

Were you blushing? Absolutely. Not only because being in his arms felt divine, but also because Minho was smirking proudly at the two of you. And so was Yunji. No doubt, they would tease the shit out of you later. God help you.

Barely twenty minutes into the movie and Yunji was already screaming and jumping at every little noise, at every little shadow, not that you could blame her. Every time she jumped, it made you jump too, not because you were actually scared of the movie but because her reaction startled you every single time.

Jisung chuckled at you, tickling your side playfully.

“Stop it!” You groaned and nudged him in return.

“But you’re so cute!”

“Can you two shut up? We’re trying to watch a movie here!” Changbin glanced angrily at you over his shoulder.

“Sorry.”

But Jisung wasn’t sorry; he nudged Changbin with his foot and stuck his tongue out. Typical.

You tried to concentrate back on the movie, but apparently Jisung wasn’t sharing your plans. Under the blanket, his hand moved slowly. So slowly, at first you thought he was trying to change his position. But then, it came to rest on your thigh. Such an innocent gesture that gave you goosebumps. You held your breath, forcing your body to stay still, trying desperately not to misunderstand his intentions. But then, he moved his hand a little higher, squeezing your soft flesh on his way and you couldn’t take it. You grabbed his hand to stop him. You didn’t trust yourself not to make any noise if he kept touching you like that.

“What the hell are you doing?” You scolded him under your breath, hoping none of your friends would hear or notice what was going on.

But Jisung didn’t answer, he smiled sheepishly at you and despite your hold on his hand, he resumed the touching. Your body’s instant response was to squeeze your thighs together, trapping his hand in between. You should stop him before it could get out of hand. You should. And yet.

Jisung looked down at you, wiggled his brows playfully and pinched your skin. “Open up, pretty angel.”

And how could you not when he was asking so nicely? When he was looking at you with so much need and longing? You parted your legs and let him have control.

He leaned closer, lips brushing your ear. “Good girl.”

Fuck. You were in so much trouble.

Jisung’s hand felt soft and warm against your skin. More his hand got higher and more your skin was burning. You desperately wanted him to stop teasing you but he was enjoying it too much, seeing how your breath got hard, how you were clutching his shirt, how you were trying to hold back.

The moment he slipped his hand inside your shorts, you silently gasped. Jisung hummed, pleased, against your ear as he found just how needy, how wet he got you with just simple touches. He caressed your lips, gently rubbing before spreading your arousal all over, stopping at your clit.

“So wet, angel.” He whispered and bit playfully your ear.

You bit on your lips to prevent a moan to slip from them. It felt just so good to have his fingers playing with you and you wanted more. You wished you were alone in the room so you could fully let go.

Jisung started rubbing circles around your clit, so incredibly slow you thought you would lose your mind and start begging him to do it harder, faster. He found his own pace and simply enjoyed how responsive your body was.

You closed your eyes and threw your head back, your body twitching with every rub. He pinched your clit and you bit down on your lip so hard you thought it would pierce your skin. Bloody hell.

All color left your face the moment you opened your eyes and your eyes locked with Minho who, unfortunately for you, was no longer concentrated on the movie but on the two of you. One brow cocked, he stared so intensely at you, your body froze and you gripped Jisung’s hand under the blanket to stop him. Your breath hitched in your throat as you wanted to hide from the world. He had to know what was going on under this blanket. It was Minho, he always knew everything.

Jisung lazily moved his head to follow your gaze. You thought that once he realized that they were discovered, he would stop, pull his hand away. But he didn’t. He chuckled softly and took you by surprise as he slid one finger inside of you and then another – you gasped and writhed. He simply didn’t care about an audience. This was pure madness and you shouldn’t be enjoying it as much as you did, but as Jisung curled his fingers inside you, your eyes rolled back in your head.

“I bet he’s jealous.” Jisung whispered as he brushed that spot that made your toes curl and brought tears to your eyes as you tried not to make any noise. It was getting harder and harder as you felt your stomach tightening.

“Too bad, you’re mine.” Hearing the possessiveness in his voice made you clench hard around his fingers. It was hot and if you didn’t have his fingers deep inside you, you would have made a comment, instead you clasped your hand over your mouth.

The climax rushed toward you, fast and strong. The release came in waves of intense pleasure washing over you. You couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t think. Your body went limp against him, panting silently.

Jisung pulled out his fingers and he hummed in satisfaction as he brought them to his mouth and licked them clean.

Fuck. You could come again just from watching him lick and suck on his fingers.

“You know what,” Minho started, getting everybody’s attention. The smirk on his face terrified you. He wouldn’t just spill your little secret, would he? “This movie sucks. Next time we should watch porn.”

“Fucker.” You cursed under your breath as Jisung burst into laughter beside you.

#stray kids #han jisung #lee know #stray kids smut #stray kids x reader #han x reader #han jisung x reader #stray kids fics #stray kids fluff #memories of us

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suzukiblu · 1 year ago

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Day twelve of fic NaNoWriMo, obligatory sugar daddy Tim/sugar baby Kon AU.

Tim waits until the next morning, after their latest Young Justice sleepover has both occurred and concluded, and catches Kon while Cissie is bullying Bart away from the pancake mix and taking over the kitchen for her and Cassie to make everyone breakfast. It’s their turn, which is for the best; last time was Kon and Suzie, and they’d absolutely wrecked the kitchen before finally confessing that Kon had never actually cooked before and Suzie didn’t know if she knew how to.

Breakfast had been Pop-Tarts and it’d taken them two hours to clean up the kitchen. Tim had just decided not to ask questions, at that point.

“I’ve got a summary of the intel you asked for,” Tim says, holding out his single-page “report” for Kon, tucked nice and neat into a manilla folder. Kon looks startled.

“Huh?” he says, blinking down at the folder.

“I looked into Tim Drake,” Tim clarifies. “Long story short, you’re in the clear. His grades are stable, his disciplinary record isn’t concerning, and his psychological profile falls within acceptable parameters. His mother passed away a couple years ago, but his father just got remarried and he and the stepmother aren’t involved in anything shady, there’s no other relatives or criminal associates on record, and the family business’s practices are only a little morally dubious, which in Gotham is practically sainthood, frankly. Maybe don’t accept any unsourced archeological finds from him if it comes up, but otherwise you should be good. Go ahead and make friends.”

“Uh, right,” Kon says, a brief flash of embarrassment crossing his face as his ears redden. “Friends. Yeah. Uh–you seriously checked him out to Bat-standards that quick, though? Geez, man, you didn’t have to do that. I coulda waited a couple weeks.”

“Just rearranged a little casework that wasn’t time-sensitive anyway,” Tim replies, repressing a wince. Maybe he should’ve padded the time a little more on this. He doesn’t want Kon to think he wasn’t taking his request seriously. “Also, he’s a civilian high school student with exactly two family members and a fairly small friend group. There weren’t a lot of rabbit holes to go down.”

“I guess not,” Kon says, looking awkwardly at the folder for a moment before pushing it back towards him. “Uh. I don’t need to, like . . . read that or anything. If you say he’s good, I mean.”

“You don’t?” Tim asks, a little mystified. Kon looks embarrassed again.

“It’s weird enough asking for a background check on a dude who’s apparently just trying to be nice,” he says. “I’m not gonna read it if there’s nothing I actually need to know.”

Tim blinks, still more mystified, though he’s not sure if it’s Kon turning down perfectly-presented intel on a stranger or Kon trusting his opinion enough to turn down that intel that’s doing it.

“Okay,” he says. “If you’re sure.”

“Uh, yeah. You really didn’t have to rush it, though,” Kon says, still looking embarrassed; tucking a loose curl of hair behind his ear in incredibly distracting fashion that Tim has to struggle to not be distracted by with limited success. “Like–it’s cool of you, but I really could’ve waited a couple weeks. Like, he’s probably not gonna go full mask-off supervillain day one at the mall, you know?”

“I had the time,” Tim says, still feeling a little odd. “And it’s better to know before you spend too much time around him anyway, isn’t it?”

Also, better to know so Tim can progress on bribing Kon out of his shitty lab-life and into a cute little cul-de-sac somewhere. Or an apartment building. Or an apartment block.

“I guess, yeah,” Kon says, his face inexplicably reddening. “Um. Yeah. Uh. Thanks, Rob.”

Then he zips off abruptly without another word, and Tim is left mildly bewlidered and looking at the empty space he was just standing in.

“. . . you’re welcome,” he says after a moment, no less bewildered, and puts the report away.

He doesn’t really get Kon as a person, sometimes, but at least this is another step forward on the plan. He still needs to talk it all out with him as Tim Drake and work him up to it, because even Kon’s very weird socialization clearly still thinks it’s kinda strange for somebody to just offer to rent an apartment for him out of the blue, but then again, maybe that’s just because he thought Tim might be a supervillain. Which Tim still isn’t, technically. He’s like, a proto-supervillain at best. And only when it comes to bank fraud and pre-planning, because if he’s learned anything from Bruce at all, it’s that being the most prepared person in a situation absolutely always pays off.

Maybe he can get Kon to quit Cadmus completely, if he plays his cards right here. He’ll start with a place that Kon can commute from, or at least by pretending they’re looking for a place that Kon can commute from. Maybe Cadmus would actually fucking pay him more than a pittance and an expense account, then, and Kon could save up a little. Tim should look into what the other field agents get, actually, though chances are “free room and board” is probably on most of their paychecks too, since Cadmus more than likely made most of them too.

Fucking shitty asshole cloning labs.

Maybe Tim should actually bribe some lobbyists the next time clones’ rights come up in legislation. Or just as soon as he has Kon safe and settled and secure outside of Cadmus, whichever comes first. That would definitely be a good use of his trust fund.

Or just all of Drake Industries’ profits for that quarter, depending on how effectively he can distract his dad for said quarter.

Tim’s a reasonably resourceful person. He could work something out.

Also, clones’ rights implies getting Cadmus potentially shut down or at least more closely monitored, and maybe conning Superman into paying back child support for being irresponsible with his DNA. An incredibly powerful alien specifically primed for the local environment absolutely should’ve known better than to not have something arranged in case of his death besides just letting someone bury him, of all things. Incredibly stupid idea on his part, frankly. Isn’t there an AI running the Fortress of Solitude, to say nothing of all the androids? He absolutely could’ve set up a failsafe to come collect his body and lock down the Fortress once it was inside. Not a perfect solution, obviously, but definitely a better one than “let Metropolis just do whatever they feel like”.

Much better, in Tim’s opinion.

Seriously. Kryptonians are basically invasive predators on Earth. Superman absolutely should’ve known better than to leave his own dead body lying around. Frankly, Tim’s disappointed in Bruce for that one. He really should’ve had a talk with Superman about that particular oversight before Kon even happened. Not that Tim’s complaining about Kon existing, but Kon is basically the best-case scenario they could’ve gotten out of that. What if somebody’d possessed Superman’s empty body? What if they’d stripped it for parts and made a whole army of Supermen? What if any fucking number of things had happened?

There’d better be something in place now, is all Tim’s gonna say.

. . . maybe he’ll set up a high-yield savings account for any potential future Kon 2.0’s, just in case Superman decides to be stupid again. Just make monthly deposits and let it all collect interest. Tim’s not ready to be a clone-dad, but he can get the groundwork going.

Hell, maybe he’ll make a Kon 2.0 one day.

. . . that is an insane person thought, Tim recognizes. And way farther down along the supervillain pipeline than he wants to be right now.

Still, Kon’s a hybrid, so he’s probably infertile, right? Which means if he ever wants to have kids or anything, he’d need–

Oh god, Tim thinks, and immediately hides his bright red face behind his fake summary of his own life story. Okay. New thought processes. New thoughts. New . . . everything, at this point. New all-the-things.

He’s sixteen, he reminds himself accusingly. There is absolutely nothing about the idea of Kon with a little Kryptonian-ish baby that should appeal to him at all at this stage in his life.

Just, well, his inner future supervillain apparently has a thing for punk telekinetic DILFs, he guesses.

Well, given the timeline he’s intending to go supervillain on–

If Tim ever meets a telepath, he thinks he should probably just quit, actually. Like, for good. There is no possible way it wouldn’t end in absolute mortification.

Oh god, Dubbilex is a telepath, isn’t he. Tim is never going to be able to be in the same room with the man again without employing every possible meditation technique he knows, because otherwise his brain is just going to be screaming about what Kon looks like soaked in Kool-Aid with his hair slicked back. Or how he smirks when he’s flirting with a civilian stranger at a café. Or the mental image of him in a crop top and Daisy Dukes version of his superhero costume, ngh–

Tim can definitely just never be in the same room with Dubbilex again. Or Martian Manhunter. Or maybe just anyone.

Dammit.

#timkon #tim drake #kon el #conner kent #dc robin #superboy #rinfic #wip: obligatory sugar baby kon #long post

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lemonsrosesandlavender · 7 months ago

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Personal Rolan Headcanons… via the NSFW Alphabet

Look these are going to be wildly biased to cater to my own taste and I don’t care. I’ll also be specific about both Rolan x Catrin and Rolan x Steel Weave Tav (my main fanfic pairings) where relevant because…fun!

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

I think Rolan likes cuddles from his romantic partner a lot (and is generally very touch-starved: I don’t headcanon Cal and Lia having a particularly cuddly relationship with him despite their closeness, and I don’t think he’s been close to anyone else in a long time). However, I think he is truly ABYSMAL at talking about sex and only wants to do it when already turned on - so it’s up to his partner to prise opinions out of him on what he did and didn’t like (though he gets a bit better at that with time and encouragement from Steel Weave Tav). I also think he likes a hot, luxurious bath, and back rubs. Things the road from Elturel was short on!

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

I think Rolan thinks his horns and claws are elegant and imposing - but in bed, it’s his neck and ears that are incredibly sensitive. (I don’t think tiefling horns feel sensation personally).

As for body parts - for Steel Weave Tav, it’s 100% her muscles, especially her biceps. He likes seeing (and feeling) how much stronger she is than him physically. For Catrin, he tried to stop himself having a crush by thinking about her human attributes… and it backfired, filling him with secret, shameful curiosity about her blunt teeth and body hair.

C = Cum

Er… normal? Lmao. This question. Tastes a little bitter and salty, like he is.

D = Dirty Secret

Doesn’t think that his submissive fantasies fit with the competent, self-contained Archmage he’s always pictured himself being… so he is very embarrassed and secretive about them.

E = Experience

Not a lot. I think he’s previously had one or two short relationships, but I think after their mother died, he stopped all of that to work hard and provide for Cal and Lia, with all of his spare time going to studying magic.

I also personally headcanon that he’s never taken it in the ass before, but just because I’m trash who loves him both wanting that and being nervous about it.

F = Favourite Position

On his back, looking up into his partner’s eyes as they either ride him or fuck his ass (with his legs over their shoulders). Plus, from there it’s an easy movement up to sit on his face. I think he likes a lot of different positions though, just as long as he’s getting absolutely fucked senseless. Bent over a desk, face down on a bed…whatever.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

He likes some flirty back-and-forth, but mostly he’s serious. He certainly doesn’t like deliberate silliness, but he will crack for moments of amusement if something silly happens - though only with someone he knows well and trusts.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Personally, I headcanon most tieflings not to have body hair at all. I don’t think it really makes sense with the ridges! (And Rolan is so fussy I think he’d get rid of it if he did have it. He likes things neat and orderly).

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

I think that though Rolan isn’t keen on sweeping romantic gestures, he loves very deeply, and on those days when he’s having slower, gentler sex (or had the brat fucked out of him), looks up very adoringly at his partner. I also think he likes to be held tightly when he comes, and when he’s a washed-up, overstimulated wreck.

It takes a lot of trust and intimacy with a partner for him to be able to be honest about his fantasies (and even then, it’s slow going… but without that connection he wouldn’t say anything at all).

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

Rolan’s pretty repressed and tries to detach himself from caring about people he knows, because they might interfere with his responsibilities towards Cal and Lia, and with his learning of the Weave. So he often jacks off about getting fucked by anonymous strangers. Once Tav… or Catrin… or whoever… enters the scene, he jacks off over them instead and feels very weird and ashamed about it. (Sorry, I love repressed Rolan. It features a lot in my work lol).

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Firmly a sub (lol, who would have guessed this was my headcanon). The only switching that man does, in my opinion, is between being a well-behaved submissive and a feral, bitchy brat.

I think he likes humiliation more than praise. I know praise kink is a popular Rolan headcanon, but I actually think he finds praise very uncomfortable if he doesn’t feel it’s been immediately earned - so he likes being told he looks good once, but after the fifth compliment he often starts to get irritated. Being told he’s a whiny little slut though? Definitely going to make him whine harder.

I think he enjoys a variety of D/s, humiliation and pain, but especially likes being pushed around and held down (in Steel Weave Tav’s case), or in Catrin’s case, bitten (hard). He also develops a bit of a ravishment fantasy in Planar Tears since he feels so conflicted about his desire for Catrin; his fantasies involve her making that decision for him.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the deed)

Balconies, studies, wardrobes, desks. Beds too but a little risk of discovery is fun. Sorcerous Sundries once all the customers have left.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Someone who takes control, shows strength and determination, and who is as hardworking and passionate.

And really, any teasing. A whisper in his ear about how much they’d like to fuck him when they’re somewhere public… a hand slipping up his robe when he’s trying to work… he gets worked up very easily.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

I think that after Lorroakan’s abuse, Rolan would struggle with face slapping/hitting. I also think that once he becomes Archmage, he prefers not to have visible face or neck bruises, though everywhere else is fair game. (In Planar Tears, he’s sufficiently enamoured by Catrin’s teeth that he throws such caution to the wind… and sometimes regrets it after).

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

I think he enjoys receiving, but LOVES giving. He loves the taste and the sensation, and giving his partner pleasure. It’s also a matter of pride for wizards to have skilled tongues… so I think despite his relative experience he’d put a lot of effort into learning how to give great oral.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Rolan prefers his partner setting the pace, but generally fast and rough. He likes it intense. Exceptions being contented lazy afternoons, or when recovering from some serious magic… but mostly he likes a railing.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

I feel like Rolan does not do things by halves. He wouldn’t be super opposed to quickies, just… disappointed by them, when there could be more.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Has a lot of kink interests he wants to try, and is prone to biting off far more than he can chew. Rolan definitely overrates his capacity for pain, tends to be overambitious and doesn’t think enough about his own safety (so he needs a partner to order him to be careful and to push for communication on those subjects when he won’t do it himself).

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Not a lot. Gets overwhelmed very quickly and comes very quickly too unless deliberately edged. Will totally go several times in a day though.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

Not at first, but once he gets a supportive partner, and a steady income, I think he’d like to explore a lot of things with toys. Primarily restraints and plugs and spanking implements to be used on him. He would probably get jealous of his partner using toys when his tongue and fingers are right there. (Is that good? Not really. Is it Rolan behaviour?… yes. Lmao)

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Not at all at the start - he’s way too desperate. After a while, he likes to try it on, but only so that his partner will either pin him down or tell him to shut up before they fuck him harder.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

Very fucking loud. He already has a pretty loud, carrying voice… and he’s so easily to overwhelm that there is absolutely no shutting him up. Whimpering, moaning, shouting - he just needs to let those feelings out (for once in his goddamn life).

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Ok well… I love the idea of Rolan’s ears being INCREDIBLY sensitive, to the point of overwhelming him.

I also think that being called Archmage or Master whilst being absolutely, relentlessly put in his place gets him off like nothing else. Oh, you are a powerful wizard, Master Rolan… and also a pathetic little slut who happens to be drooling everywhere.

Finally, I love the idea of him studying sex just as assiduously as magic to please his partner… but being embarrassed and hiding it. Anal training or practising oral techniques or whatever. He’s going to practise, and then absolutely deny having done so, insisting it is simply natural talent.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Has a big dick (though nothing wild) and gets hard very easily, much to his embarrassment. I personally think that he has ridges at the base of his dick, that someone riding it could grind against - but I don’t think he has them on his dick.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

HIGH. Oh my god, he’s had years without it. Once he lets himself feel that need again, he has a lot of lost time to make up for.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

I imagine Rolan usually falling asleep very quickly afterwards, because he likes very intense fucking and uses up all his energy. And that man needs some goddamn sleep anyway; he’s probably up reading magic books til late on the nights he’s not getting railed. And sleepy Rolan is So! Fucking! Cute! Case closed, baby.

#rolan #headcanons #just total self-indulgent trash don’t mind me haha #planar tears #steel weave #subby rolan #as always lol

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charcubed · 6 months ago

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I have thoughts on Benedict Bridgerton's future.

Spoilers for Bridgerton season 3 below.

Have I read the Bridgerton books? No. Have I seen the show? No. Can I mind my own business? Also no! And I’ve been on queer Benedict watch since day one because I am who I am as a person and my sister looped me into this because she knows how I am!

So with that in mind… fuck it. Here’s my half theory, half pitch for what I’d love to see them do with Benedict now that he’s gloriously explicitly pansexual (and THANK GOD FOR THAT) based on what I know of his story. [Side note: this post originally called him bi but I've edited it to reflect that he's confirmed to be pan]

-I’m aware his love / endgame in the books is Sophie. Considering what they’re now doing with Francesca and Michaela (FUCKING LOOOOOVE THAT!! THANK GOD FOR THAT TOO!!!!!), I strongly doubt they’d gender-bend Sophie for Benedict.

-I’m also vaguely aware of Sophie’s story being like a Cinderella redux and her being an illegitimate child.

-With that (very) baseline knowledge in mind, + how the show has so far handled Benedict… I have a vision.

-Let Benedict and Sophie fall in love and be committed to one another.

-Let them also both be pan or bi.

-And let them be polyamorous.

-HEAR ME OUT!

-There are 2 big reasons I say this:

-The first is that they’ve had Benedict describe his newfound pansexuality and queer joy as feeling “free” (love that so much), and crucially he also told Tilley he didn’t want to close the door on that feeling of freedom quite yet through any commitment to one person. So… I think it would be incredibly reductive if they still did that with him later, and there would be unavoidable optics that would allow shitty people to say “okay, Benedict had his fun and his whore era; now it’s time for him to get serious and suddenly fall madly in love with a woman he commits to forever.” When a character is pan or bi, it’s very hard to pull that off successfully. Is that enough reason to not do it? Not quite. Would it make Benedict less pan? Of course not, because pan men who are in relationships with women are still pan. Nonetheless, the framing of it would be very precarious here mostly because Benedict’s pansexuality thus far is sort of tied to him having fun and feeling purposeless and waffling about in (if you will) the eyes of society. Getting him to settle down is a slippery slope to – in the eyes of idiots with no media literacy – getting him to no longer be pan. Additionally, they JUST pulled that “okay no more whore era, it’s time to get serious” shit with Colin too. Are they gonna more or less repeat that with Benedict? Why would they? It would be boring and basic as fuck, if you ask me.

-The second and even stronger reason I say let him be married and poly is that it would fit his personality far better than the “time to get serious” approach. The baseline is already in what he’s been doing and saying this whole time, and it’s not very subtle in my opinion. Benedict is an artist (who is currently almost repressing his artistry but that’s a tangential yet different topic). He commiserated with Eloise (who may also be queer) about wanting something more or a different life beyond society’s expectations. Rule breakers or people who stand out as boldly contrarian in a crowd win Benedict’s notice, and that was his whole thing (and queer subtext) even back in season one with Henry Granville, who essentially outright dared him to think on the courage it takes to live “outside the traditional expectations of society.” Benedict’s gotten a taste of that now that he knows he’s queer himself, but it should be taken further. And it’s further emphasized in how he speaks in season 3: another recent time he mentioned the concept of being “free,” it’s in reference to couples who are married and are given more leeway by society to then do as they like as a unit; Henry Granville and his wife were also an original example of that with their arrangement that allowed them to explore their queerness with other people. Add onto that how Benedict speaks of love in season 3 more than once conceptually – how it’s not finite, and how he has an abundance of it to give. He even briefly fantasizes about how he, Tilley, and Paul would explain themselves in public. That goes beyond the simplicity of a man who just wants to have fun or doesn’t want to be serious. Why should all of that disappear because… what, he suddenly meets a woman who rewrites his brain chemistry? Let him truly "be bold"! Let him commit to someone he loves more than anyone else, and then let him have the passion and room in his heart to enjoy an abundance of love and fun and freedom with others too!

-DO YOU SEE THE PICTURE I’M PAINTING?

-Toss onto that the rough idea that Sophie’s very existence and their relationship will be “rule-breaking” on principle already, right? She’s an illegitimate child, she may or may not have a role as maid a la Cinderella, she’s (from what little I understand) not a traditional or “fit” match and all that other bullshit. It lends itself to the idea that Sophie won’t think much of rules herself either and will possibly inspire further bold courage in Benedict. And if they’ll eventually already be breaking rules by being together, why not add on some more? Or, counterpoint: if this version of Benedict wouldn’t find much pause in the breaking of those basic sorts of rules, what other breaking of rules could maybe require courage or introduce conflict / angst / miscommunication in their relationship? Yeah, there’s gonna be the whole “I must find this person who bewitched me at a masquerade ball! Who can she be!” element in the plot I’m sure but… we’ve all seen that before. Let’s branch out a little bit here, people. Let’s dream bigger. Let’s spice it up with some down-the-line “I feel immense guilt because I’m in love with you but I still find other people hot and I crave a freedom I don’t know how to articulate, and it’s definitely not a temptation to cheat but it’s a feeling within me nonetheless, and it’s clearly not something my tunnel-vision wife-guy brothers experience” or whatever.

-Anyway. Here’s the last thought I’ve got (for now). Concept: don’t ask me how, but within the Cinderella-esque / hidden identities plots, let Sophie cross dress as a boy at some point. Let Benedict not know it’s her. Let Benedict still be attracted to her anyway. PULL A MULAN IN THIS BITCH.

-Okay. That’s it.

-Who knows? Maybe this show will give Benedict just his straightforward romance with Sophie and then they’ll explore polyamory for the 2 of them later as a side plot in another season. But eh, I don’t think it would do it justice. I do think they could pull it off in a season centric to him while keeping both romance and queerness front and center. I do think it’s possible!

-Remember… This is part pitch and part prophecy.

-I have a vision. I’ve foreseen it. Benedict and Sophie, pan/bi polyamorous couple who are deeply in love and also like to invite a third into their bed together on occasion. (Or maybe they like to even have their own individual trysts that they then get to go home and tell each other about while having sex with each other.)

-I genuinely think it makes the most sense. They put all that shit in the show that I referenced above, not me. I may be insane, but this really isn’t a shitpost, alright? I argued my case.

-Thank you for your time.

-PS Yes, I am indeed aware that I'm under-qualified to have an opinion here. Don't tear me to shreds. This is how I have fun.

#brigerton #benedict bridgerton #bridgerton season 3 #bridgerton netflix #bridgerton s3 #bridgerton spoilers #char writes things #I'm a prophet okay #bridgerton fandom please be fucking nice to me...... don't be assholes....... let me have fun in my little corner #Bridgerton meta #is that a tag???

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genshinnrambles · 1 year ago

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[4.1] What is "It"?: Theories on Will, Wishes, and Fate

With the finale of Fontaine’s Archon Quest in just a few days, I know there’s a lot of questions I’m personally anticipating the answers to: what is the true origin of the prophecy? What is the Primordial Sea, really? What is the connection between it and the Abyssal whale? And just what exactly did Skirk mean when she said that Childe had awakened “it” and had traces of “it” on him?

Most community theories suggest that “it” just refers to the whale, but like, what is the whale? Why did Childe even see it in the Abyss all those years ago, and why has it reappeared now? Well, I have a few ideas I’d like to explore about that, albeit in a very roundabout way, and they start with a quest that I feel has been severely under-discussed and under-theorized since its release: Yoimiya’s second story quest.

It’s understandable that this quest didn’t get too much buzz between its very unfortunate timing in patch 3.7, when community burnout was exceptionally high, and Honkai Star Rail’s debut as the Shiny New Thing. But it’s also a shame, because this story quest is full of interesting lore, Freudian references, and a few intriguing world building mysteries beneath its very wholesome story and further exploration of Yoimiya’s character. That is to say, the content of Yoimiya’s second story quest really matters. It’s not just because it is the first non-Archon character’s second story quest to date — it’s because it is an incredibly important piece of the puzzle comprised of Nahida’s second story quest, Caribert, and Khvarena of Good and Evil that was preparing us for Fontaine’s plot.

This is an attempt to identify and analyze the connections between Yoimiya’s second story quest and those above, as well as to theorize about the greatest mystery in Yoimiya’s quest, the “Urstone,” and finally tie all of that into Fontaine’s Archon Quest thus far. As that is an ambitious project, this will be far from an exhaustive theory, but I hope to at least get closer to understanding the meaning behind Childe awakening ”it.”

SPOILERS: Fontaine AQ Acts I-IV, Yoimiya’s SQ Act II: Star-Pickers’ Passage, Aranyaka, Nahida’s SQ Act II: Homecoming, Khvarena of Good and Evil, Ei’s SQ Act II: Transient Dreams, Kazuha’s SQ: A Long and Friendless Road (very minor), and Caribert.

A “Story”

Yoimiya: But there’s a premise to every legend, and that’s belief!

Since it's been a while, let’s start with some recap of Yoimiya’s Act II: Star-Pickers’ Passage.

By chance, the Traveler comes across Yoimiya in Inazuma as she prepares to search for a great meteor shower like the one that her ancestor saw many years ago. It’s patch 3.7, so the Traveler’s got a lot of time to kill and offers to go with her from Ritou to Port Ormos. There, they come across Acara Crafts’ stall that sells Aranara carved figures, which Yoimiya buys out to bring back as souvenirs to Hanamizaka.

In Sumeru City, Yoimiya and the Traveler briefly split up to look for meteor shower leads, and the Traveler runs into Nahida at the Akademiya. Upon learning their journey’s purpose, Nahida explains that meteor showers are unpredictable occurrences related to “intricate fates” interfering with one another, and for this reason seeking one out reliably is impossible.

The Traveler and Paimon are reluctant to tell Yoimiya this out of fear of disappointing her and rendering her journey meaningless, so with Nahida’s help they decide to facilitate the meteor shower through a dream in order to fulfill her wish.

This is the first of many references to psychoanalysis and Sigmund Freud’s theory of dream interpretation in this quest. Freud thought that the psychological purpose of dreams is to fulfill wishes, particularly wishes that we’ve forgotten through repression. He believed that these unfulfilled wishes are what produce the dream itself; the wish “wants” to be remembered, and the mental processes that repress it are weakest at night, so dreams are our mind’s attempt to translate the underlying “thought” that represents the wish into “images” while we sleep. Through dreams, unfulfilled wishes can be made conscious or remembered and fulfilled through a fantasy.

To lure Yoimiya into the dream and sell her their “story”, the Traveler and Paimon craft the perfect pretext so that she fully believes that they are preparing to see a meteor shower. Their pretext’s foundation, namely the idea that meteor showers are summoned by people’s wishes, subtly twists the truth in Nahida’s words so that something intangible and uncontrollable is framed as something with an amount of certainty. In other words, by controlling the pretext, the Traveler and Paimon are able to control “truth.”

Upon reuniting with Yoimiya, the Traveler finds her with a little girl in a wheelchair named Avin. Before parting ways, Yoimiya gives her a carved Aranara souvenir to thank her for guiding her through Sumeru City, and to cheer her up. Yoimiya then tells the Traveler that Avin has an unknown chronic illness that immobilizes her legs, and that she had approached Avin because she seemed to be alone and in a bad mood.

As they refocus on finding the meteor shower, the Traveler and Paimon begin to tell Yoimiya their lie and set the plan in motion. They play the role of magicians using careful misdirection to craft a wonderful illusion; beneath the ruse of finding the right “location” (or “space”) and forging a special device (which can be anything) to observe the meteor shower, they will take Yoimiya on a journey through Sumeru and make memories with her, adding meaning to what is ultimately a trick. With these seeds planted, they head off to Devantaka Mountain to “practice” wishing for the meteor shower.

At the top of the Ruin Golem there, Yoimiya shares more about her motivations for setting out on this journey. As someone who was entrusted with the wishes of everyone in Inazuma who heard of her dream, Yoimiya began to wonder why people derive this meaning from meteor showers in the first place:

Yoimiya: People use fireworks to remember their most precious memories, and these memories sparkle and shine each time the fireworks fly.

Yoimiya: In other words, fireworks symbolize the past. Yoimiya: And shooting stars make people think of wishes because wishes carry people's brilliant hopes and expectations for the future. Yoimiya: One represents the past, and the other the future. They both bloom in the sky, but have completely different meanings behind them.

Yoimiya’s belief that wishes are beautiful things that join the past and the future is what gives her journey meaning, and this is what keeps her moving forward despite the lack of certainty that she will ever find this beauty herself. This admiration for the hope in people’s hearts is what shapes her wish, too.

After returning to Sumeru City, they ask Ahangar for guidance on how to forge an observation device with the purest ore. After some initial skepticism, he chooses to entertain their “story” and tells them about his own profession’s local legend: somewhere, there exists an excellent forging material that few have ever found, and the few who already have it have never used:

Yoimiya: So you mean that [the forging material] symbolizes dreams? Ahangar: Dreams, inspiration, obsession, focus…. Call it what you want. But if you take it to symbolize “purity,” then I believe it is your goal as well. Ahangar: We call it Urstone, but in truth, neither I nor my colleagues have ever seen it.

As they are about to set off and find this Urstone, Avin’s parents show up looking for her after she didn’t return home that day. The Traveler and Yoimiya then find Avin collapsed on the outskirts of Sumeru City. After calming her down, Avin discloses that her illness has not just immobilized her – she has also forgotten her happy memories and how it felt to be passionate before she got sick. With no end in sight to her illness, Avin’s dreams of becoming an adventurer have ended and her world feels as if it is closing in on her – as she later reflects, her world had “shrunk down to a tiny space.” Avin’s illness is an objective truth with material consequences on her life, and this truth ended the fantasy of her innocence, along with her dream of becoming an adventurer one day. This loss of innocence, and therefore loss of childhood, triggered feelings of depression and hopelessness in her. However, the Aranara carving that Yoimiya gave Avin reminded her of her childhood friend, Arashani, who she desperately wanted to see again.

To help Arashani and Avin reunite, the Traveler calls on the Aranara for help with a whistle that Nahida gave them for the dream-meteor shower. When Arapurva arrives, Yoimiya asserts herself as someone who both values childhood innocence and sees children’s dreams as worthy of protection, which earns the Aranara’s trust:

Arapurva: It seems that Red Nara has not yet grown up. Paimon: Huh? What do you mean by that? Arapurva: Time is very important to Nara. Nara walk with time. They remember much, and they forget much. But Red Nara is different. You know how young Nara think. The warmth in your heart is very pure, and it is fierce like the sun.

Arapurva then takes them all to Mawtiyima to find Arashani, and here they enter a collective dream. Before leaving them, Arapurva urges Avin to remember, and that to do so she needs both memories and dreams. Arapurva also says something very interesting, also worth keeping in the back of your head: “Dreams are connected to your heart, not your body.”

Avin: Wow, that’s amazing, is this…the power of my heart? Video Still from Streetwise Rhapsody

The dream space allows Avin to unite thoughts with belief to create images. Remember, according to Freud, the psychological purpose of dreams is to make conscious an unfulfilled wish – so, in this liminal space between the conscious and unconscious, Avin can create the image of herself walking again just by thinking of it, because it is her wish, and thereby remember how she once felt before she got sick.

As they search for Avin’s memories of Arashani, Yoimiya and Avin chase a wayward “star” across Mawtiyima’s mushroom canopy until they reach an iridescent pale blue stone with a solid partial casing surrounding it. Inside, the stone glitters with the light of the universe.

Avin: I dunno how to explain this…I don’t know what it is, but it feels very familiar…Almost like it’s a part of me.

Yoimiya speculates that this stone is what Avin has been searching for all this time, and that it is her Urstone:

Yoimiya: It's a very rare ore that symbolizes a person's aspirations and dreams. Yoimiya: Since you can see it, that means you've found what you've lost. Avin: Is that how it works...? Avin: It's just like in fairy tales... I thought I'd stopped believing in those. Avin: But I'm glad that I found that belief again.

Avin then reaches into the Urstone and passes through it into a deeper layer of the dream, and there she reunites with Arashani, signaling that she has regained her memories. Having found him again, Avin’s hope is renewed and it changes her reality – indeed, it changes her fate. To be clear, Avin can’t dream or wish away her illness in real life, but her hope is what allows her to expand the “tiny space” her world had become in her depression.

After this, the crew seemingly returns to reality, but finds that Arashani is still there along with Arapurva. Having settled her worries, Avin resolves to help Yoimiya and the Traveler achieve their wish to see the meteor shower, and offers them her Urstone…

Avin: Yoimiya, you need this Urstone because you want to see a meteor shower? Yoimiya: Yep. Oh! Once we find it, you should come with us! Avin: If that’s how things are…I’m happy to lend you my Urstone.

…And then, Avin pulls a light blue lens from her chest, right over her heart. With this lens crafted using the purest ore, they locate a meteor shower of stars flying up from the ground and ride them through the clouds. Finally, they wake up from the collective dream and part ways in Port Ormos.

The Purest Ore and the Will to Power

Now, there’s a lot to discuss about Yoimiya’s second story quest, and we will get to as much of it as possible, but the bulk of this theory will be focused on trying to understand the Urstone, so that is where we will begin.

Let’s start with what we know from the quest. We are told three things about the Urstone: it is “the purest ore,” it symbolizes dreams, and through the dream we are implicitly told that it represents the power of the heart.

This last area is where we’ll turn the majority of our attention, because from there we can reach a greater understanding of many worldbuilding concepts we’ve encountered in the story thus far. However, all of these definitions of the Urstone work hand-in-hand and do not contradict one another, so they are all helpful to keep in mind going forward.

But what do I mean by “power of the heart?” Well, first let’s harken back to the Aranara quest, Aranyaka, where we learned about the “Sourcesong” and the songs that split off from it through time. By learning all of the songs that represent these branches from the origin, the Aranara get closer to learning the Sourcesong:

Arasudraka: Songs are like rivers. They derive from the same origin, the "Sourcesong." She is the home to all songs and the source of all great rivers. Arasudraka: Then, it changes when it is sung for different memories and different stories, just like how a great river diverges into creeks. Arasudraka: Just like all the creeks eventually flow into the sea, all the songs eventually converge into one, into the Sourcesong. Arasudraka: So Aranara song gatherers have to find all the songs. That way, we can find the Sourcesong.

These songs serve as a metaphor for another theme of Aranyaka, which is the concept of “returning to Sarva,” or returning to Irminsul after death in the form of memories/energy in the Ley Lines. It could also be extended to what we currently understand about the Primordial Sea as the origin of all life, its “source,” and all the lifeforms that arise from it are like the creeks that diverge from the river before they eventually converge back into the sea:

Paimon: What? You mean you don't believe in the prophecy? Augereau: No, no, I believe in the prophecy, but I also believe in another story. Augereau: The story says that people once lived in the ocean. They were one with the ocean and couldn't live apart from it. Augereau: But as time wore on, people desired to live on land and developed blood vessels, encapsulating the sea within their bodies. Thus could people set foot on land. Augereau: So if you ask me, when the water rises and takes us all, it'll be like we're going home.

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche was also interested in the idea of things differentiating themselves from a primordial source of sorts, and he uses this language in one of his many attempts to define his most well-known philosophical doctrines, the Will to Power. In Beyond Good and Evil, Nietzsche marks the inner “world of desires and impulses” as the source of emotions (Nietzsche, 35). He likens it to a primitive world where desires exist in a state of unity that then branch off into distinct organic processes. Nietzsche argues that this differentiation arises due to “will,” and that will is the “causality of all things,” and that all will is Will to Power – in other words, the will to dominate and to multiply (Nietzsche 13 & 35).

“Will” is the force that differentiates the primordial soup of our base desires and impulses into distinct organic processes, and these processes then give rise to distinct life forms that separate themselves from the original state of unity. That is, without “will,” we would all still be floating in the unified state of the primordial soup - will is both the cause, and the reason for individuality:

Mary-Ann: Water can take any shape, and life can choose what form it must take. This, however, has nothing to do with its essence. That is a different matter.

If you’ve been following the Narzissenkreuz Institute world quest plot, this discussion of “will'' should be ringing some bells. In Khvarena of Good and Evil, we came across Rene’s Investigation Notes in the Girdle of Sands, which talked about the power of Khvarena and a blurred out word (likely “Abyss'' or “Void”) containing a will of their own that can recognize itself, unlike the power of the Elements:

...Though the results are nothing impressive, this is because the object [the Khaenri’ahns] chose was pure elemental force, which lacks any will whatsoever. Like the difference between the Director and a Hydro Slime, perhaps? […] Even though the calculated result is unchanged, but if the refinement method is reflected... If the power of... then maybe we can extract the "will" within. Using this method... resist the impact…

The investigation notes do two things here that we’re interested in: first, they establish the presence of “will” as the distinction between elemental energy, such as that found in Azosite, and the higher powers represented by Khvarena and “Void,” and second, they raise the possibility that “will” is something that can be removed from its vessel, so to speak, or perhaps manipulated. Just keep this in the back of your mind for now, too, we’ll come back to it much later.

If we apply this concept of will back to the Sourcesong story, then it is will that differentiates each song into its own unique form, but each song still contains the essence of the Sourcesong from which it arose. A similar story is told about the five branches of the Raiden Gokaden. In Kazuha’s Story Quest, Amenoma Tougo likens the Raiden Gokaden to schools of thought that originate from a single source, with each branch carrying its own philosophy. Kazuha’s family’s school, the Isshin Art, seeks “complete harmony between blade and mind” during the forging process, because they believed this was the only way for a blade to “capture and convey its maker's thoughts and feelings, and eventually become an extension of its wielder's will.”

This is a very important concept as we move forward. If we think of will as what differentiates each forging art of the Raiden Gokaden from each other and their source, and each branch is considered a unique school of thought and philosophy of blade forging, then thoughts are an essential component of will. If a blade that these philosophies produce is meant to capture the thoughts and feelings of its respective forging branch, such that they are an extension of will, then will can be further defined as the cause and reason that an abstract form (thoughts and feelings) is translated into a physical form (an object, such as a blade). It is both the how and the why.

Put another way, the blade is the bladesmith’s will embodied. It is the bladesmith’s thoughts and feelings, which we have just established are an essential component of will, given a physical form. The thoughts and feelings are will, the object is will, and the “force” that translates the abstract into the physical is will. So basically, it’s all will, but in different forms.

But so what? Well, let’s go back to the amazing feat that Avin accomplished towards the end of the story quest. She asks Yoimiya what she needs, then says she will lend her Urstone to Yoimiya to help her achieve her dreams, and what does she then do? She pulls a viewing lens from her chest, right over her heart.

That is what the Urstone is. The Urstone is the source of a person’s will, and the Urstone is associated with the power of the heart, which would also make “will” the power of the heart. Will is what underlies the power of creation and imagination, or as Ashikai puts it in her theory of Irminsul’s true purpose, the power by which “thoughts become things.”

The purest ore was needed to craft the observation device, and of course the purest ore would come from the purest will – a child’s will. What’s more, Yoimiya and the Traveler never even mentioned what kind of device they needed to forge with the Urstone. It was Avin’s will to help her friends that materialized their thoughts into an object. The implications of this are fascinating, though this theory isn’t going to go there. Instead, I’d recommend watching Ashikai’s video above if you’re interested in that train of thought.

The Seed of Ideas*

Paimon: The light turned into…a seed?

Having established this connection between thoughts/feelings, the power of the heart, and “will,” let’s see how else we can think about the Urstone. I noticed that “will” turns up in a couple of other recent to semi-recent contexts, and both of them involve the origin of some important trees in the open world.

To start, let’s revisit Ei’s second story quest. As a lightning fast refresher, Ei and the Traveler were investigating Rifthound activity near the roots of the Sacred Sakura tree, which we know protects Inazuma by purifying “filth” from the earth, or rather the memories of people who died on the land. This is meant to mirror Irminsul, since the Ley Lines also contain memories and are Irminsul’s root system. With the Sacred Sakura’s roots damaged, this “filth” leaks out, and the memories within are briefly re-projected onto the land.

As Ei confronts her past through these memories of Inazuma, she vocalizes her change of heart since the Vision Hunt Decree and her newfound will. The Shogun then challenges her to a duel in Raiden Makoto’s realm of consciousness, which Ei preserved before she passed away 500 years ago. When Ei successfully proves the strength of her will to the Shogun, she awakens another fragment of Makoto that she hid inside Musou Isshin. Interestingly, Makoto calls this a fragment of her will. Upon awakening her will, it becomes a seed that Ei plants in the realm of consciousness, which grows the Sacred Sakura tree in the real world. In other words, the Sacred Sakura tree is Makoto’s will given a physical form, another example of someone’s will embodied.

But this is not even the first time that will has been represented to players as a seed. In Dragonspine, the Frostbearing Tree goes through a physical transformation as the Traveler offers it more and more Crimson Agate, which is a crystal tainted with Durin’s abyssal blood. After offering enough Crimson Agate, we get the blueprint for the Frostbearer catalyst, which tells us an interesting story:

A long, long time later, yet still long ago — When the deathmatch between the dragons of darkness and wind was decided at last, When corrosive blood stained the ashen valley red, The tree, at last, remembered that it had not died with that entombed city, And it extended its greedy roots towards the warm ichor that irrigated the land. Because a certain someone poured out a crimson essence upon it, The tree that should have long died remembered its past, And bore a single fruit from the coalescence of all its might…

As creepy as the Frostbearer catalyst lore is, there’s another useful analogy to be made here so that we can better understand Avin and her Urstone.

Think of Avin as the Frostbearing Tree, a tree that “should have died” but remembered its past upon being offered Durin’s blood. This may seem like a strange comparison at first, but Durin’s blood is conceptually not so different from the memories flowing in the Ley Lines like water, or the filth flowing through the roots of the Sacred Sakura tree, just as Durin’s “heart” is likely a similar anchor for his consciousness as Elynas’s is, just as Makoto’s fragment of her will became the seed or “source” of the Sacred Sakura, or the “Urstone,” we theorize, is the source of an individual’s will.

Basically, Durin’s blood is a liquid form of his will that can change the “shape'' of the objects it comes into contact with, and upon being exposed to it the Frostbearing Tree remembers what its life was like before the Skyfrost Nail dropped on Sal Vindagnyr. This is very similar to how Avin remembered her happiness before her illness through the magic of the dream space and finding her Urstone. And upon remembering its past, the Frostbearing Tree bears the “fruit” that is the Frostbearer catalyst, the “coalescence of all its might,” but Avin bore the observation lens. Both are products of their source’s will, but have different emotions behind them due to their difference in purity.

But there’s one last thing I want to point out about the Frostbearer catalyst before moving on to the next point. A fruit is like a sugary case for a plant’s seeds, so what might this structure be in the center of the Frostbearer catalyst?

That’s right. A “seed,” which also resembles a gem or a stone. And not too unlike the general shape of the Urstone, I would add.

But you know what else the Frostbearer catalyst and the Urstone really remind me of? The Fire Seed from Nahida’s second story quest. Although the Fire Seed neither becomes a tree nor seems to come from one (though this is also debatable if you consider Rukkhadevata and Nahida to be like…smaller trees, originating from Irminsul), it’s still worth talking about if only for a potential analogy between it and the Urstone.

The Fire Seed has obvious visual similarities with the Frostbearer catalyst, with both “stones” or seeds in the center of them having the same overall shape - the Traveler and Nahida even call the Fire Seed a crystal before they learn what it is from the elemental life form in the Chasm.

Video still from Star Dragon X

The Urstone also generally looks similar to the Fire Seed in terms of the stone’s shape and the orientation of the casing-like objects around it, but there’s a more compelling analogy to be drawn between their composition. The Fire Seed is described as an extremely high concentration of elemental energy in a very fragile or unstable state, and we know from our understanding of Irminsul that elemental energy is another form that memories can take. While it’s not clear if passing through the Urstone is the same thing as entering the Urstone itself, Avin does access more of her repressed memories of Arashani after doing so, allowing her to “remember,” as Arapurva asked her to. So, both seem to contain memories.

You may also know that the prefix Ur- in Urstone means primordial or original, something from before the present. This leads me to wonder if that light of the universe glowing from within the Urstone is what Roozevelt calls “primal energy.” Hoyoverse does like to worldbuild through analogies and allegories, so I wouldn’t be surprised if the visual similarities between the Fire Seed and Urstone were meant to be a tip for a functional similarity as well.

Finally, there’s the relationship between the Fire Seed and Apep’s Heart of Oasis. The Fire Seed was made by Greater Lord Rukkhadevata with the help of Apep’s “children,” the elemental beings that split off from that “source.” It is meant to mimic the Heart of Oasis and the way that it functions, which tells me that all of this will/”heart”/source as a seed imagery is being repeated for a reason, because it’s meant to teach us more about how “will” works.

Remember how the Aranara believe they can find the Sourcesong by learning every song, and how this points to the idea that the essence of the source is retained in each of its “children,” despite the unique form that each song takes? Well, let’s think about that for a second. For example, think about how light shining through a prism will split off into unique colors - each color is distinct from the other, with a unique character and “form,” so to speak, but each color still originates from light. Red, green, and blue may all look different from each other, but each tells you about a characteristic of this thing called light.

I think the same is true about these “seeds.” These fragments of an original consciousness can take the form of seeds because that is one facet of the essence of the source. That’s why an Urstone can be so many things at once: a “heart” (though not corporeal), an “ore,” a source, a will, and a seed. That is because each fragment of the source’s will conveys a small “idea” taken from the original consciousness, and these ideas are like fruits born from a tree. If you were to “plant” these seeds in the ground, the ideas would spread across the land, thereby allowing one’s will not just to dominate, but also to multiply.

*The “Seed of Ideas” heading title is taken from an enemy in Honkai Impact 3rd introduced in Chapter 33. Lore-wise, they’re actually not a great example of the idea I’m trying to illustrate here lol. So don’t think too hard about the heading if you’re a Honkai 3rd player – I just thought it sounded cool. >_>

Wherefore Did the Spirit Tree Grow?

“But the reason it is effective is due to the nature of the origin, the primordial... based on the records, the constituent elements should be a "Circle of Four Orthants" and a "Tree of Emanation"... flows from the roots toward the center of the circle, and the circle encircles the abstract of... It's akin to pie crust and the filling of the pie, a metaphor sure to excite Jakob.” -Book of Revealing, Enigmatic Page VIII

And plant them we shall! That is just what Greater Lord Rukkhadevata and Raiden Ei did with Egeria and Raiden Makoto’s consciousness. Egeria’s consciousness sleeping in the Gaokerena has always reminded me of Avin’s Urstone, long before having the language of “will” to talk about it, but I could never quite explain why. I think the answer is a little more clear to me now, though there’s no concrete way to prove this theory at the moment. The Harvisptokhm, the Sacred Sakura, and I would also venture to guess the tree at Windrise are the result of planting either the source of consciousness or a fragment of consciousness, which anchors the consciousness to the mortal realm and allows it to exert its will on the land by purifying and containing its “filth.”

These trees all belong to the consciousness of gods and ascended allogenes, but Avin is as ordinary as they come, so how is it possible to suggest that her Urstone is anything like the Gaokerena or Makoto’s will? Maybe all that’s missing is “time”?

So…what is "it"?

“An external form is but a gift of time. Through ‘growth’ comes change, and even abandonment of previous forms. However, our true nature is not so easily affected.” –”Where Lies the Path Home,” Sapientia Oromasdis: Act II

Now with all of that set-up out of the way, let’s get to the heart of the matter here…ignore the pun.

The Archon Quest establishes early on that Childe’s Vision’s malfunctioning and his bad mood are connected to one another, and with Act III and IV we see that Childe is literally being summoned by the whale – it is calling out to him, drawing him into a rift where it swims in the Primordial Sea. His Vision’s malfunctioning is what I want to zero in on first to begin to answer the larger question of what the whale is and explain Childe’s movements so far.

Once again, Aranyaka becomes very relevant here. When the Traveler saves Rana at the end of the quest after resealing Marana’s Avatar, Rana resolves to go out on an adventure and receives a Vision of her own. Though we are not shown a visual of this, it is described on a black screen of white text:

Rana pulling the Vision from “a light with the warmth of a heartbeat” from her chest is imagery we’ve already seen before, when Avin pulled the lens from her chest in the collective dream. I mean, isn’t the parallel a little too on the nose here? Avin created a lens, something you use to see and perceive, and Rana was granted her…Vision? …Why are you booing?

Although Rana’s is the only Vision story so far that fits this imagery like a glove, I think Act III and Act IV offer some more support for where I’m going with this. Despite having Childe’s Vision in their possession since Act I, the Vision is shown twirling at the beginning of every dream sequence the Traveler experiences in the Fortress of Meropide, sequences that seem to be copies of Childe’s memories while he was a prisoner. The fact that the Vision doesn’t need to be on the physical person of its wielder in order to transmit these memories could be an indication of a deeper connection between the Vision and the wielder – that is, the Vision is similarly a physical extension of its wielder’s “Will,” created by their Urstone or “Heart,” and therefore is a part of them, like the fruit of a tree. And if that’s true, then Venti wasn’t kidding when he compared Visions to organs.

This also puts the Vision’s malfunctioning into a different perspective. To go back to Nietzsche’s statement about Will to Power, will can only operate on will, and will is the causality of all things – through this lens, it may be correct to say that the traces of “it” that Skirk could sense on Childe are traces of the Abyssal whale’s will, and that its will is interfering with Childe’s own will at this fateful moment.

If we buy the idea that will is at least part of what can change your fate, and that Childe has traces of the whale’s will left on him, then the secret of why “it” has reappeared now may have been foreshadowed by what Nahida said in Yoimiya’s second story quest: that “meteor showers'' appear as a result of many intricate fates interfering with one another.

Specifically, it’s an allegory for Childe and the whale. The dream Childe had when he fell into the Abyss and the meteor shower are analogous, to be sure, but let’s not forget about our good friend Mr. Freud here either, who’s analysis shows us that dreams are suppressed wishes translated into images. From that perspective, it would also be correct to say that the meteor shower is analogous to a wish. That is, Childe’s fate and the whale’s fate are interfering with one another because of their encounter in the Abyss when he was a young teenager, and perhaps the Abyss appeared that day because Childe’s fate and the whale’s fate were interfering with each other then too - and that this was Childe’s wish all along:

“Pursued by bears and wolf packs, he lost his footing and fell into a bottomless crack in the earth's surface. There, he witnessed the endless possibilities of another ancient world. There, he would meet a mysterious swordswoman... Or perhaps one should say that this dark realm had sensed the burning ambition in this boy's heart.” –Tartaglia, Character Story 4

As for the larger question of what the whale is, it’s likely not very different from Visions, or the blades of the Raiden Gokaden, or Avin and the lens. It is an extension of the Abyss’s will that branched off from its source a long time ago, a primordial being much lower on the Abyssal phylogenetic tree than the more humanoid Abyss Heralds or mages. That’s as far as I feel comfortable speculating about its origins for now, but I hope we get some clarity on its age and “distance” from its source very soon. Speaking of which…we haven’t talked about Caribert yet, have we?

There’s something eerily similar about the way that Avin described her world as a “tiny space” before changing her fate when we consider the additional context of Caribert. When he regained consciousness, he said it felt like he had just woken up from a “long dream,” and that in his dream he was hiding in a “little room,” and that he had no desire to leave it. I think this language is similar on purpose, and it tells us some more crucial information about Urstones, will, and their relationship to these curses placed on the Khaenri’ahns.

The “little room” and the “tiny space” are metaphors for a person’s perspective, which has been repeated over and over again in nearly every Fontaine world quest thus far to further our understanding of aesthetics. It’s clear from those quests that an individual’s perspective is limited, but it can be broadened by interacting with others + the passage of time, and that over long periods of time these perspectives allow for aesthetic values to change. Thus, the world is also changed. But the opposite of change is stagnation, and stagnation is precisely the result of losing the ability to connect with others - indeed, the will to leave the tiny room.

We’ve already established that when “will” exerts its influence on another will, it can change the “shape” of the will it is dominating - the Frostbearing Tree is a great example of this. The Hilichurls have also had their external forms altered, and they erode away until eventually dissolving into the mud in the Chasm. So maybe, just maybe, the “curse of the wilderness” is a result of their will being tampered with by the same “thing,” such that their inner world becomes so small that they cannot find their will anymore, and therefore they cannot change their fate.

Childe is briefly seen fighting the whale in his Foul Legacy form in the version 4.2 trailer

Now, I’m not suggesting that the traces of the whale’s will would ever result in Childe becoming a Hilichurl, or that the whale is responsible for the curse of the wilderness at all. What I am wondering is if this is why Skirk took Childe up as her disciple – to teach him a “form” of combat that would maintain his grip on his will, on some kind of “belief,” not allowing it to be dominated by the whale’s will, so that there is yet hope that Childe can change his fate.

And if that is true, then here is my last theory before I disappear: Yoimiya’s belief that a child’s wish is precious and worth protecting is likely an allegory for Skirk’s motivation to train Ajax, and the relationship between Yoimiya and Avin is also meant to foreshadow them – a master and her disciple, a traveler from afar and a child of this world, a child-at-heart and a child who is lost. This core belief is what makes Yoimiya’s heart pure, and by passing that belief on to Avin, she plants the seeds of new hope for her to defy fate, and one day she may do the same for someone else. This, in essence, is the meaning of will, and that is what I believe Skirk’s lessons were meant to teach Ajax. And that is a twist that I truly never saw coming.

TL;DR: The Urstone is the source of will that exists in each person, will is what translates thoughts into images and objects, smaller "wills" or "ideas" split off from the Urstone/heart/source/consciousness and allow for will to spread and exert its influence on other wills, and Skirk may have more in common with Yoimiya than you thought.

Thank you so much for reading, I really hope it made some sense. I would love to hear what you think of all the lore up to this point and what you make of it! :)

Sources

Yoimiya Story Quest Act 2 (Full Quest) Carassius Auratus Chpater: Act II | Genshin Impact - YouTube- grabbed the “is this…the power of my heart?” screenshot from here because I forgot to take it in my alt’s playthrough.

Nahida Story Quest 2 - Using the fire seed to save Grounded Geoshroom | Genshin Impact 3.6 - YouTube - Video still of Lumine holding the fire seed from this video.

Beyond Good and Evil by Friedrich Nietzsche, which you can read for free here. Page numbers are given from my hard copy.

A General Introduction to Psychoanalysis by Sigmund Freud, also can be read for free here.

For more analysis of the Will to Power doctrine, check out Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy.

#genshin impact #genshin lore #genshin theory #genshin meta #genshin impact lore #genshin impact theory #fontaine #tartaglia #childe genshin #skirk #yoimiya #theory

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dumbass-hyperfixations · 7 months ago

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I started watching 911 recently (and I’m not gonna lie, it’s mostly because of Buck’s coming out because I wasn’t gonna start watching yet a show with a very potential queerbait in the middle of an otherwise very diverse and interesting looking cast) and I’ve been loving it, and even though I’m only on season 3 now, I really want to contribute with an idea on how the show could start up Eddie’s own coming out journey (which is hopefully in the cards)

Now, I don’t know how much closer Michael Grant gets to everyone else on the show (since I’m on season 3, I haven’t really seen him interact much with anyone but Bobby and Hen from the 118, and idk if that changes or if his relationship with other characters deepens over the years), but I would really like him to be present at Chimney and Maddie’s wedding. And maybe Tommy and Buck are being cute on the dancefloor, and then the camera pans to Eddie, who is seated to the side with Marisol, looking at the pair a little wistfully (just enough for us to know that maybe sitting there with Marisol isn’t exactly what he wants to do). And then, the camera would go to Michael, noticing Eddie’s look, and Marisol’s sort of dejected and bored expression. And he sees a couple that not only appears unhappy with each other, but also sees a whole lot of himself in Eddie.

So, as the wedding reception is coming to a close, Michael is at the bar as Eddie comes by, looking for one more round as the bartender announces the last call. And as he waits for the drink, Michael strikes up a conversation with a bit of small talk (again, idk if they’re close enough to have a deep conversation right off the bat), and then goes, “hey, did Bobby or Athena ever tell you why we got divorced?”

And Eddie stumbles over the answer a bit awkwardly, like yeah, it was because, well, um, you know, because you’re …

And Michael chuckles, putting him out of his misery with a “a flaming homosexual? Yeah. No sense in beating around the bush about it. At least not anymore. You know, I was so deep in denial I never even kissed a man until I was in my fifties?”

“Really? So you’ve … only been with women until you came out?” Eddie asks and Michael nods. “And you’re sure you’re not bisexual?”

To which Michael laughs and reassures him that no, not bisexual, just a very very repressed gay man. Then, he drives his not-so-subtle point home by saying:

“And even still, I don’t have many regrets about my life. I got two incredible kids out of it, and I can’t imagine my life without them. My only regret, though, is that I spent fifteen years with a woman I couldn’t love the way she loved me, and I wasn’t even man enough to give her a chance to look for someone better. Fifteen years. That’s a hell of a lot of time to take away from someone.”

And while he speaks, we see Eddie glance across the room, to Marisol fussing over Chris. And, inevitably, to Buck laughing along with something Chimney said on the other side of the room. And when he looks back at Michael, he sees a very knowing expression on his face.

“What are you trying to say?” Eddies asks, still guarded as hell, to which Michael chuckles.

“Nothing, man. I guess I just officially entered my lonely gay drunk at the bar days. But if I can pass a little wisdom. If can already you feel it in your gut that you’re not with the right person, maybe don’t be like me and spend the next fifteen years trying to figure out what you already know.”

And then he leaves, and BOOM, Eddie is forced to realize things he would much rather keep repressed.

#i know im new to the fandom but gosh #michael and eddie’s stories parallel each other in so many ways #ESPECIALLY IF eddie is going to come out as gay at some point #and i would just die to see michael having his paternal guiding hand in his coming out #it doesn’t even have to be the wedding it could just be a family fire house gathering #just let michael tell his story to eddie and maybe wake him up to non-comphet possibilities in life 😭😭#eddie diaz #911 abc #911 show #gay eddie diaz #buddie #911 buddie #eddie x buck #buck x eddie #eddie diaz x evan buckley #evan buckley x eddie diaz

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vivalas-vega · 2 years ago

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easier / jake ‘hangman’ seresin x reader

this idea came to me very suddenly last night and I just knew I had to write it!!! pls lmk what you think - also lmk if you want a part two, i might have some more ideas for this one

easier / jake ‘hangman’ seresin x reader

add yourself to my taglist

word count: 4k

warnings: language, mentions of death, definite flying inaccuracies

The ride home on the carrier passed by in a blur, a mix of voices and sounds that didn’t quite reach your ears as you responded on autopilot. Your body taking over and saying what you thought people wanted to hear as your mind was somewhere else entirely, still replaying the mission over and over, focusing in on every little detail you were certain you weren’t ever going to forget. It was all the same, excited congratulations on a job well done, comments on the skills you’d exhibited, and praise for your first mission as a team leader going successfully. You were acutely aware of the fact that you needed to hold yourself together, getting picked as team leader was an incredible feat and you weren’t about to let anyone think you weren’t cut out for leadership long term by breaking down now, but that didn’t mean your mind was present. You weren’t even aware you’d docked back in San Diego until Bob was softly tugging on your arm and letting you know it was time to go, weren’t even sure how you’d gotten home until the sound of Rooster’s keys hitting the entryway table in your shared home somehow jolted you back into your body and you dropped your bag as you looked around. Home. You felt like sinking to your knees, kissing that damn creaky floor and never stepping foot outside again.

“You haven’t said a word since we docked,” he commented, trying not to prod.

“Yeah, uh- tired. We prepped so hard for this mission and then uh… guess it’s finally catching up,” you muttered, slipping your boots off and pulling the pins from your hair. “Mind if I grab the first shower?” you asked and he just shook his head, watching you carefully as you made your way down the hall. The second the warm water hit your skin you gasped, suddenly feeling the weight crash against you and you braced yourself against the tile as you felt each emotion you’d been so carefully repressing for the past twenty-four hours. Shock, anger, shame, fear… they all cascaded over you and you almost willed them to mix with the water and wash down the drain but things don’t work that way. You forced yourself to go through your routine, trying to block out the sounds of bullets hitting your jet and your teammates panic in your ears.

“Tally two, three o’clock!” Payback said and you cursed to yourself as things began to fall apart around you.

“Fuck, it’s a dogfight. Keep your eyes up, watch your teammates.” you yelled.

“Smoke in the air!” Rooster shouted in your ear and everything devolved into chaos, everyone trying to keep their line of sight straight as they bobbed and weaved around each other, the SAM’s, and the terrain around them.

“Stay low when you can!” you yelled, deploying flares and bailing Phoenix out seconds before Payback had to do the same for you. Enemy fire was raining over your jet and you couldn’t take much more, “cover me, we need to take them out.”

“I’m on you, Siren, go,” Phoenix affirmed as you veered off course and set your sights directly on one of the bandits, fighting back every survival instinct telling you to bail. “Backup, backup, on my six, we’re pinned.” she shouted and your blood ran cold.

“Talk to me, what the hell is going on?” You were struggling to get tone on this guy, whizzing through the air as he seemingly played cat and mouse with you.

“Rooster and Payback are getting hammered,” Bob answered.

“Shit, shit, shit.” you muttered to yourself, trying to take a deep breath but it felt like all the oxygen had been sucked out of your lungs.

“Come on, kid, what would I do?” You suddenly heard Maverick in your ear, and somewhere in the back of your mind you wondered if he’d physically subdued Cyclone to get to the mic. “You can do this in your sleep, Siren, you just gotta do it.” you nodded, you knew what to do. Increasing speed you suddenly took a sharp right, disappearing behind a ridge and dropping below the radar.

“Comanche, talk to me.”

“You’re parallel, they can’t see you.”

“You know what to do.” Mav said and you swallowed all of your fear, it was now or never. Flipping over the ridge you cut them off, knowing you were putting yourself wide in the open but hoping the element of surprise would give you the two seconds you desperately needed to lock tone, and it did. You watched as your hit ripped through the canopy of their jet, pulling up on your throttle to avoid the inevitable explosion as it crashed into the rocks below and you didn’t even have time to process it as you whipped around.

“Dagger One, confirmed bandit kill. Dagger Squad, proceed to carrier.”

“What? Siren-” Rooster began to protest in your ear as you deployed counterstrikes against missiles that were headed directly for him.

“Go, now. None of you can take anymore fire,” you ordered as you lifted yourself back onto the radar, giving your enemy a clear sight at where you were. You waited until they changed courses, abandoning Phoenix to take on the bigger threat: you. You waited until the last second before taking off in the opposite direction.

“Is she-” Bob started to ask before you cut him off,

“I mean it, that is an order.” You whizzed through the canyon, taking each turn in stride as you dropped low enough to confuse your opponents radar. You knew this terrain. You studied it, made sure you knew it better than your old childhood neighborhood… you just needed to keep him locked in, distracted enough to lure him right where you wanted him. You lifted up, just briefly to keep him on edge, practically taunting him before dipping back down and hurtling directly towards the rocky hillside. Your calculations told you that you had about ten seconds to bail out before you became one with that hillside and Mavericks words in your ears kept you on track. “Three… two… one.” you whispered before roughly pulling up on the throttle, gasping at the sudden force of the incline, leveling out just as soon as you could to be sure your plan had worked, sighing at the smoking wreckage beneath you.

You stepped out of the shower with shaky hands as you dried off before making the quick dash towards your bedroom where you changed into your comfiest sweats and sweatshirt, the sound of the tone still ringing in your ears. By the time you reemerged, Rooster was already in the bathroom and you made your way through the silent house to check the fridge, which was a wasted effort on your part as the two of you never kept it stocked, especially not before a deployment. You raked through the take-out menus from the junk drawer, narrowing down to pizza or Chinese and leaving it to Rooster to be the tie-breaker. You cracked open a beer, the one thing that was always stocked, and leaned against the island as you took measured breaths, mind slipping further and further away from the present until Rooster’s tap against the pizza menu startled you back.

“Get extra breadsticks,” he said, grabbing his own beer and you nodded as you grabbed your phone, exchanging pleasantries and your order quickly before setting it back down with a sigh. “You okay?” he asked and you lifted your gaze to meet his with a nod.

“Yeah, just ready for food and my own bed,” you said and it wasn’t entirely a lie. Rooster decided to accept this, for now, knowing it was best not to pry until you had some food in you.

“Okay, Maddie texted. Said we had some packages delivered, I’m gonna go grab them, probably from your dad.” he said as he slipped his shoes on and you chuckled.

“Mmhm, is that all you’re going to do?” you asked, raising your eyebrows at him and he just stared back.

“She’s our neighbor, Siren.”

“Our super hot, super single neighbor that you’ve had a crush on since we moved in… but if it’s not about anything else I can go grab them, since they’re probably for me anyways,” you teased as you stood and he all but pushed you back down.

“My shoes are already on, I’ll be right back.”

“I’m not saving you any breadsticks if you aren’t.” You watched as the door shut behind him and exhaled forcefully, finally alone for probably the first time in weeks and you tried to decide what to do, settling on making your way through the house to take stock of any damage to your houseplants. None seemed too far gone, and you began gathering the ones that needed some extra love by the sink when a knock on your door startled you. Grabbing your wallet you went to meet the delivery driver but were only startled further when you swung open the door.

“Hangman? What are you doing here?” you asked, narrowing your eyes at the pizza boxes in his hand.

“Ran into the driver when I got here,” he said, pushing into your house and you stepped aside confused.

“By all means, come on in,” you sighed, watching as he set them in the kitchen. “What are you doing here?” you asked again.

“Mind if I?” he gestured to the box, grabbing plates down from the cabinet and making himself right at home as he grabbed the red pepper and ranch from their respective spots.

“Clearly I can’t stop you,” you threw your hands up in exasperation before grabbing your own plate, eyeing him suspiciously and not waiting for him to explain himself. The second the smell hit your nose you realized it had been far too long since you’d eaten anything that didn’t come from a Naval carrier cafeteria, and all of that likely came out of a freezer. You ate in silence, and it wasn’t until you finished your second slice that you were reminded of his presence. “So, is there a reason why you’re here or is it just to steal my food?”

“Well, I paid the driver so technically it’s you stealing my food,” he replied before taking another bite.

“That you intercepted. Seriously, Hangman, I am not in the mood for whatever is going on, I just want to be alone and go to sleep, so if this is about the mission or another long-winded rant about me making you Dagger Spare can it please wait?”

“That right there is why I’m here.”

“What is?”

“Being alone, not sure that’s such a good idea,” he grabbed both of your plates and set them in the sink before fixing you with a look that you couldn’t quite decipher and you felt your patience wearing thin.

“What does that mean?” you sighed. You were currently utilizing all of your energy at putting up a front and you weren’t sure how much you had left, and Hangman was just about the last person you wanted to crack in front of.

“That mission was kind of a lot, and I know Rooster’s not coming home anytime soon, so…”

“So, you just decided to show up out of the blue? The mission was fine, Hangman, same as it always is,” you replied but it wasn’t convincing and you knew that… you just prayed that Hangman would accept it anyways and leave.

“Except, it wasn’t the same, was it? Some pretty big differences in this one over any of our other ones,” he said, popping the pizza boxes in the fridge and you just stared at him bewildered.

“What is going on right now? Why are you suddenly so interested in my well-being after a mission?”

“Is it surprising that I consider you a friend, Siren?” he shot back.

“Actually, yes it is.” He contemplated this for a moment but shrugged it off before walking into your living room and sinking into the couch and you tentatively followed.

“Regardless, I know that any minute now you’re going to lose the thread that’s keeping you together and I just don’t think you should be alone when that happens.” he said and you just furrowed your brows.

“Again, what does that mean?”

He sighed, “Siren, you have clearly been stuck in your head since the moment your jet landed on the carrier.”

“Hangman, I’m fine.” You felt it, the first clench of your chest as you lied through your teeth and you took a deep breath to steady your nerves. You hadn’t been able to shake the sound of that god awful tone ringing in your ears, the panic in Bob’s voice as he called out SAM’s in the air, the way Phoenix tried to keep it together to cover you only to be pinned with no way out. The image of a man, too far away and too distorted through the canopy to actually make out, but a man nonetheless before your shot ripped apart his jet and sent him plummeting to the ground. The sound of the explosion beneath you as you fought gravity after your hail mary. It was all there, at the forefront of your mind replaying so loudly and so clearly that if you closed your eyes you could be certain you were still there in the thick of it. And Hangman saw all of this, the internal struggle to keep it all buried. He heard it in the dismissive responses on the carrier, and he felt it in the faraway look in your eyes.

“You’re not fine,” he said softly and you just shook your head, suddenly feeling the oxygen in the room thin out, each breath beginning to feel more and more like a chore.

“I- I am fine, you don’t need to be here.” you whispered and he moved closer on the couch, carefully watching as your chest began to heave and your eyes fluttered shut. Flashes of SAM’s exploding in the air, white smoke, and that barely-there figure clouding your mind and that small crack gave way under the unbearable weight, allowing room for everything you’d been trying to keep at arm’s length. White hot tears fell down your cheeks but you hadn’t even noticed over the sights and sounds so sharp in your mind, not until you felt your hand being raised and pressed against something warm and firm.

“Open your eyes, Siren.” You heard it but it didn’t quite register, not until you felt another hand on your cheek wiping your tears, “open your eyes.” He repeated and this time you heard it, slowly allowing them to open as you hiccupped and noticed his other hand was pressing yours to his chest. He pulled away from your face, grabbing your free hand to press to your own chest and took a deep breath, nodding for you to do the same. The rise and fall of your chest was rapid and erratic in contrast to his, so measured and calm and you felt like you were fighting your lungs trying to get them to fall into the rhythm he’d set but eventually they relented and you began to feel calmer as the tears continued to stream silently down your face. He let your hands fall but kept one firmly wrapped in his grasp, offering you a physical tether, a reminder that you were here. “Do you want to try telling me what’s going on in your head?” he asked gently.

“I-” you started but shook your head, clearing your throat and trying to regain some composure. “It all happened so fast. We completed the mission and should have been home free, then the bandits came out of nowhere… I don’t- I don’t know what we missed, what we did wrong… we were below the radars level of detection. We let our guards down and then they were on us and we had to fly where we could trigger the SAM’s and it was just chaos I-I mean it was hard to tell up from down at one point,” you felt the emotion begin to build back up and Hangman just sat silently, rubbing the back of your hand with his thumb and giving you space to continue. “I was waiting for a command, waiting for someone to tell me what to do and I realized it was my call. Everyone was shouting, calling out their moves, trying to figure out what was going on… it was my responsibility to make sure everyone made it back. I knew what I had to do, hearing Maverick just confirmed it and I… I just went for it, followed the instinct and before I could even register what I’d done I had to get the other one off Phoenix… I had to get them home but I-” you choked on your words, “two people, Hangman, I-” you couldn’t finish around the sob that left your lips and he nodded knowingly before pulling your legs across his lap wrapping you in a hug. His arms held your shaking frame close to his as you sobbed, tears soaking through his shirt as he just rubbed your back and told you that you were okay. You weren’t sure how long you stayed like this, but when your cries quieted and your breathing evened out he pulled back just enough to cradle your head in his palms.

“I need you to hear me when I say this, Siren. What you did was brave, and you did exactly what you had to do. It was them or you, or Rooster, or Phoenix and Bob, or Payback and Fanboy. It was them or your team, and you did what any leader would have done. If you hadn’t someone wouldn’t have come home, and it was your skill and quick decisions that ensured everyone did. It’s because of you Rooster is with that hot neighbor right now, because of you Bob is on the phone with his Ma, Payback is with his kids, Phoenix is with her girlfriend, Fanboy is… I don’t know what Fanboy’s doing but the point is you pulled through, you protected your team.”

“But, those people, I… I mean, fuck they’re just doing the same thing we were, right? For their own country? What about… their kids, their family-” another wave of tears pulled you under and he shook his head, forcing you to keep eye contact.

“They were doing the same thing we were. They knew what they were doing, knew the risks, same as we do. You did what you had to do to survive. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then why does it feel like this?” you asked and Jake just smiled softly.

“Well sweetheart, if it didn’t feel wrong then we’d have a whole different set of issues right now,” he said and it managed to coax a laugh from you. Small and fleeting, but it was there. “It’s not supposed to be easy, and no one tells you about this part, mainly because so few people in our position have actually experienced it. They only focus on the victory and the glory, breeze right on over this part… and this part is shitty, I’m not here to tell you it’s anything but. I just need you to know you did what you had to.”

“But you have… experienced it,” you stated and he nodded.

“Ever notice how I’m never the one to bring it up? It’s a lot easier to boast and move past it than to get into the nitty gritty of just how much it sucks. And believe me, it does.”

“How did you- how do you move on from this?” you asked softly and he dropped his hands to rest on your thighs.

“You just do, you keep telling yourself you did what you had to and eventually it gets a little easier. I’m not gonna sugarcoat it though, this will always be with you, it just gets a little easier to bear with time. And you have me, everyone’s going to want you to try and talk to them about it eventually and you should talk about it, but if you ever need someone that gets it… I’m here.”

You nodded, “thank you.”

“Everyone always talks about what an accomplishment it is to have a confirmed air-to-air kill, they never talk about the burden that comes along with it. What people don’t know is that it looks good on the resume but it’s not a club you want to join, and I’m so sorry you did.” He squeezed your leg reassuringly, “but you’re strong, and you’re good… like, better than me, though I’ll deny it if you ever repeat it, you’re going to get through this, I know you are.”

You smiled softly, “I’m telling Phoenix you said that.” He squeezed your leg a little harder, intentionally hitting a pressure point causing you to squeal and giggle.

“I can’t believe you would do that, after all of that,” he said and his shocked expression only spurred your giggles further.

“I would never, I’ll take that high praise to the grave,” you promised, crossing your heart.

“What is going on here?” Rooster asked tentatively from the doorway, taking in your position half draped over Hangman and you just narrowed your eyes at him, grabbing Hangman’s wrist to check his watch.

“An hour and a half to get some packages from next door and yet… I see no packages, do you, Hangman?” you asked, looking at him puzzled and he just smirked.

“I reckon there was a different package delivery that took place, wouldn’t you agree?”

“It seems so, Rooster, what do you have to say to that?” He just looked between the two of you, halfway between caught and confused before shaking his head.

“Whatever is going on here I don’t like it, and you better have saved me some breadsticks.” he muttered, walking into the kitchen.

Hangman turned his attention back to you, his gaze softening, “you should get some rest, I know you didn’t sleep at all last night on the carrier.”

You nodded, “I know I just… every time I close my eyes-” you started but shook your head, not wanting to get worked up again.

“I can stay, if you want me to,” he offered and your eyes widened though he mistook it for offense, “not that I- I mean-”

“Would you?” you cut him off and he nodded, and when you disappeared into the bathroom to get ready for bed you couldn’t help but chuckle as you heard him talking with Rooster in the kitchen.

“Spending the night?” You heard Rooster ask suspiciously, “should I make up the couch?”

“No, uh- gonna be in Siren’s room.” he replied.

“Seems a little… precarious, don’t you think? What are your intentions here?”

“Listen you big dumb flightless bird, I’ve been where she’s at. Things are going to get really intense before they get better and I just… I don’t know, I don’t want her going through that alone. My intentions are to just be there for her.” You smiled to yourself, heart warming at the notion of Hangman, someone you’d once believed to be a bit of a pompous ass, being so selfless and helpful.

When he entered your room you’d already climbed into bed, limbs aching and heavy and he noticed the change of clothes you’d set on the end of your bed. “I don’t know what you like to sleep in, I stole those from Rooster so you have options.” He smiled softly before leaving, quickly returning in a tee shirt and gym shorts before sliding in next to you and you almost sighed in relief at the prospect of finally getting some sleep.

“Get some rest, honey. I’m here and you’re safe,” he said as you laid your head down, “just close your eyes.” And when you did the images were there, the sounds and smells but so was Hangman… just as he’d promised he was there to anchor you to the Earth and keep the nightmares at bay the best he could and in that moment you knew. Things weren’t going to be easy again, not for a long time, but he would be there every step of the way and that alone made it just a little easier to bear.

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