#A while back I fucked up my knee.
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The very funny thing about having finally recovered from depression after being depressed for literally decades is. Even though I'm no longer depressed. My kneejerk initial reaction when I get overwhelmed is like "fuck it time to die" and then, because I have spent a lot of time and intention and money on therapy, my IMMEDIATE next thought is "no you won't babe, eat some broccoli. Go for a run. Go see ur friends" and the moment I've done any combination of those things I'm like singing showtunes about how good life is. Like ok brain i understand you spent the last fifteen years in a critical state but maybe we can do the broccoli first next time. Vegetables before defaulting to Habitual Symptoms please.
#Mental health#depression#Suicide mention#It's like when you heal from an injury.#A while back I fucked up my knee.#Limped on it for weeks#And it hurt for longer#To the point where I was always mentally bracing whenever i stood up from a chair#Ready to hurt#So that when i “graduated” physical therapy#I was still bracing every single time i moved#Ready for it to hurt. But it didn't#And like. Will that injury still tweak a little sometimes? If I Don't Take Care Of it?#Yeah. But it's almost totally gone. And for months I was shocked every time I braced to hurt and there was nothing there#So when I get stressed i like. Preemptively brace to be suicidal#to hate myself and my life again#And then .... I'm kind of surprised when I... don't.#I know my depression is cured because i know what it feels like to be depressed. Just like i know what it's like to hurt.#And the absence still strikes me sometimes#the way the sun shines through a gap in the trees that's created when you cut down something diseased and dead.#And you're like. God rays. For years there was a shadow here and now there are sunbeams.#No-- there were always sunbeams.
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these two are so interesting to me
characters belong to @canisalbus
#clenches fists. im so sosososo normal about them. i think about them a normal amount (lying)#actually the 2nd image is based on some sort of anime couple pose template(?????) that i saw a while back and wanted to draw them in it#but i swear to god i CANNOT FUCKING FIND IT. i was literally knee deep in yuri and yaoi fanart for hours trying to find that god damn photo#but i dont even know who the characters were and pinterest just shows me bakugou and deku making out sloppy style whenever i try#so i gave up an tried drawing it from memory and cried the whole time. i hate anatomy.. but they look so happy so its fine#god whenever i see Lore or sweet little tidbits for these two i want to tear into something with my teeth and throw something /pos#i genuinely want to study these gay little renaissance dogs under a microscope#what fucks me up is the fact that we all know it ends horribly but u cant help loving them anyway.. they are so. incoherent hand gestures#my art#myart#others ocs#vasco#machete#vaschete#furry art#fur#anthro
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May your hardened heart be woken By the soft and distant song Of all you left here unspoken All the shards we keep stepping on - Take this body home Take this body home Call the wind, and let her know Take this life outgrown Take this broken soul Call the stars, call them all And take it high, take it far, take it home
#svsss#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#bingqiu#sqq#lbh#scum villain#heard the song Take This Body Home by Rose Betts and it nearly took me out at the knees#it really really suits sqq's self-detonation in hua yue city right? i'm not the only one feeling this?#considered adding some literal shards for them to be stepping on - since sqq's sword explodes - but i couldn't quite make it work#anyway this has been playing like a music video in my head for the past couple days highly recommend listening to the song#if you haven't heard it before#can't get over the absolute dissonance between how sqq views this scene and how everyone else must feel about it#like to him he's just completing his plan - hopefully keeping lbh from destroying a city with energy imbalance and escaping The Plot#nbd! he and sqh have planned it all out it's FINE :) off he goes!#meanwhile everyone who loves him - including lbh who worked years to get back to him and is trying to work through a lot of grief#and resentment and doubt and longing and... - watches him DIE in FRONT OF THEM#just collapse while coughing up blood sword disintegrating energy completely consumed#like holy hell sqq could you traumatize the people around you any more???#no wonder lbh went a little bit crazy after that like my man was already not in a great place but what the fuck#lbh watches his shizun presumably sacrifice himself for him ONCE AGAIN like after he's finally Gotten Strong his shizun is STILL#coming to harm in an effort to make up for his shortcomings#my art#most of the time out here drawing what amounts to muppets and then sometimes i get the urge for this and just need to cover everyone in blo
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#one of my silly little goals this year is to talk more about my accomplishments even though they aren’t super recent#I’m tired of resigning myself to being a burnt out former gifted kid. I studied at Oxford for a term.#I taught a college class. I TA’d for two other college classes. and volunteer TA’d for the department’s hardest course offering#because I was already being used as a TA that semester for a different class and the professor still wanted someone to run review sessions#I had professors fighting over me to do work and research for them! I had departments fighting over me! I did summer research!#I was the first person in my department in nearly a decade to ask to do a senior thesis. for fun.#I ran programs and clubs and I was a writing tutor for the writing center AND the resume lab/career center#I was the only person in my writing professor’s tenure to earn a 100 on my research paper for that stupid fucking class#in high school I was second in my class and did it while writing one-act plays for production and doing district choirs and acting#I’m so so so tired of beating myself up and falling to my knees and doing penance for the past 4 years.#I fumbled some stuff at the start of my 20’s. I’m an adult with ADHD that no one clocked while I was growing up.#I was supposed to go to St Andrews for an MLitt and then the pandemic happened and I had to withdraw.#I just need to get over it and stop agonizing over every misstep I’ve made since college#otherwise I’m never going to make it out of my 20’s alive#so yeah. for those of you who don’t know! I am a silly cumdrunk braindead good girl PART-TIME#the rest of the time I’m clawing my way back to the high standards I set for myself from first grade onward#my stuff#ignore me i’m rambling
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(1x00 A Hero is Born)
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(1x09 Macaque)
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(1x10 The End is Here!)
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(2x05 Minor Scale)
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(2x10 This is the End!)
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(3x09 The King, the Prince, and the Shadow)
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(3x11 Embrace Your Destiny)
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(4x07 Pitiful Creatures)
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(4x08 The Brotherhood)
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(4x10 The Jade Emperor)
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(4x11 A Lifetime of Mistakes)
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(4x13 Rip and Tear) (He's little but he's kneeling in both)
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MK Kneeling Motif
#so. the one from 1x00 and 4x10 huh#Originally this started as me cataloguing every time MK is forced to his hands and knees#However in all honesty#I think it's more about him standing up again. Like it happens a lot#They make a joke about it in 2x09#''Why do I always land on my face?'' he really fucking does#But he also stands back up again#And I'm like. We've had several scenes where MK standing was THE climax of the scene.#But we've also had scenes where MK being sent to his knees is the climax. So like#You know.#Standing and Kneeling motif both lovers and enemies I guess#Actually something something MK kneeing motif something something SWK kneeling while Tripitaka puts the circlet on him#lmk#lmk parallels#lego monkie kid#lmk MK#monkie kid
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i'm getting t*m and batfam content on my twitter someone save me
#like what happened to my cutie kittens and puppies#why am i suddenly getting dc bullshit#and twitter doesn't even have good filtering so no matter how many times i hit uninterested it keeps coming back#uglyass jaytim posts coming up LIKE FUCK leave me alone#jason would not grovel for that bitch 🙏🏽#jaytim can only be interesting if tim is on his knees apologizing for badmouthing jason while he was dead#jaytim literally makes me gag#coming from someone who is proship
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That was an eventful two days
#I had a better time at the Waterparks concert#Noah was great#buuuut#I was on the barricade#I had my cousin hold onto my spot while I grabbed some merch and he didn’t hold onto the barricade so when I got back there were like three#rows of people in front of me#tall people too#and I got a ticket for my friend who wound not being able to go#and my brother who took us didn’t wanna go so I completely wasted $25 on a ticket#and it just Sucks that I spent so much money on ticket and got there super early just to be shoved way back when I LITERALLY had the front#there was this rude entitled lady who made everyone move for her son#he only knew tx2 but stayed up front the whole time#(she also took a spot right on the barricade too)#I was just really upset about how it didn’t go according to my plan and I kind of had a panic attack. like. a really fucking long one#and I had my vip bag + merch with me and everyone was stepping on it (no one was even playing?) and they fucked up my poster#but yeah I pretty much had a 2 hour long panic attack my ribs hurt now from hyperventilating (leaving the pit wouldn’t have helped)#the vip part was still good#I met Noah again he remembered me he did great it was just the people around me#oh I also like fucked up my knee#but that’s cause two concerts in a row hurt I think someone kinda accidentally kicked in a mosh pit and the first venue the ground had a#slight tilt to it. so it was kinda uncomfortable after a few hours#Waterparks#noahfinnce#concert#tx2#music
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im at the chronic pain. im at the masochism. im at the combination chronic pain and masochism
#its just really funny to me every time.#enjoying the soreness in my thighs while very displeased about the soreness in my knees#its about autonomy of course#i can make a conscious decision to go and get my ass fucked up and enjoy it#my back seizing up once a week is out of my control and so i do not enjoy it#and i know ive talked about this before but this is why its so hilarious to me when people get subbing all wrong#of COURSE its about giving power and control away but in order to give them away i first must have power and control#i decide what happens to me. i dont like when i dont.#anyway. its fine. good morning#maybe one of these days ill get to blog about domming. applications are open pspspsps
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I need to stop sleeping all day its giving me wild as fuck dreams
#literally had a dream that i was a 14yr old mexican boy who was kidnapped by a crime boss and worked for him#making my way up the ladders until i was his right hand man#until one day i got in an accident and the paramedic who found me stuck by me while the cops questioned me#bc like who is this kid why is he so malnourished who is meant to tale care of you#and then they were restraining me in the back of an ambulance and i was crying and trying to breathe my way out of a panic#attack and then managed to calm down and the paramedic (who looked like that guy from disco elysium. the one you play as)#started asking me questions about my life and i talked about how johnny was in charge and he wore half a black rabbit mask but upside down#so the singular ear ran down his throat. and i talked about other thing idk but then CRASH the ambulance is suddenly gone#(OH I REMEMBER. i talked about how there were these women (prostitutes) who were nice to me and would give me food and drink#that i wasnt supposed to have and they wouldnt let me drink what the men were having but thats okay it tasted nasty anyway#and how on my last mission i was shot in the leg and it delayed me a day and johnny punished me by locking me up#and i couldnt leave and i nearly starved to death that week but the women snuck me small amounts of food and drink#even tho they would have been killed if they were caught. anyway that was like two weeks ago and my leg still hadnt healed)#im tied up under the clothesline at the top of the stairs of my irl house while the paramedic is tied to a chair by the front door#johnny comes in and starts asking questions but upon receiving no answers he grabs a metal bat and breaks the paramedics knee#and im just crying and screaming for it all to stop scared out of my life and johnny asks if i want the beating instead#and the paramedic says “dont you lay a finger on him. (name) look away i dont want you seeing this”#and then johnny starts torturing him amd all i hear is his screams even tho im blocking my ears and squeezing my eyes shut#and then im in johnnys room three years later and hes turned me into a dog but also an axolotl and ive forgotten my human roots#....like literally what the FUCK was that????#moss' madness#its called vague posting FOR A REASON
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one thing i just do not fucking get is the difference between "regulating emotions" and "suppressing emotions" i cannot get my head around how those are different. like if im sad and then i go "well im not going to be sad anymore" that's "dissociating" and "suppressing healthy emotions" but if im sad and im like "well im going to cry until i actually pass out" that's "not healthy" and it's BAD to suppress emotions but it's ALSO BAD to get super upset so WHAT IS THE SECRET THIRD THING cuz i do not fucking get it. "feel your feelings But not that way that's not healthy feel your feelings but less than that" ???????
#text#IT'S DRIVING ME UP A WALL IVE BEEN TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT FOR MOTNHS#LIKE????? is it like. like is this a me problem is this just me having feelings that are too big#like do other people just.. like for other people does 'feel your feelings' just mean like. feel sad for a while and then stop. cuz i cant#do that i dont get normal sad i get chest pain and think about killing my self for hours on end .is that the problem#like okay if i trip down the stairs and break my leg. im going to cry and go to the hospital. suppressing that would be just using my#broken leg anyway and ignoring it. would regulating it not also be Crying and going to the hospital. would regulating it be like.. putting#a bandaid on it or something is it like.. a middle ground . i do not fucking get it#like okay if i trip down the stairs and i scrape my knee and then i call an ambulance i see how thats not the right response . and i guess#regulating there would be like. calming down thinking things thru and choosing a less drastic solution like a bandaid. i get it#in that situation. but if ive ACTUALLY BROKEN MY LEG. then that would just be the first thing again essentially#but when i put that back into. real world not metaphor world. like. i dont get it again#because if theres not like. an obvious reason for however i feel how am i supposed to judge if im calling an ambulance for a scraped knee#ALSO I THOUGHT THERE 'ARENT ANY WRONG EMOTIONS' WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT -_-#okay no okay it's like. if i trip down the stairs and i skin my knee i dont have to call an ambulance. but if several times a day i fall d#down the stairs and skin my knee in that exact spot and now i can see bone. SHOULD I NOT CALL AN AMBULANCE?#cuz its not just one thing thats upsetting me most of the time it's a combination of a bunch of things and then like one extra upsetting#thing added on top of that. which would necessitate an ambulance. does this make sense#THIS IS GETTING ME NOWHERE IM STILL JUST AS CONFUSED AS I WAS BEFORE I STARTED TYPING. i need 2 remember 2 ask my therapist#what the fuck ''feel your feelings'' means and how it can coexist with ''regulating feelings'' or whatever cuz i feel like im missing smth#NIK OUT ! PEACE ! ✌️
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need to get my plague doctor costume wearable, cos when ppl at ren faire try to larp at me in jester costume, it's usually via a little heckling? and i just dont have a good response ever. but in the plague doctor costume you can respond to most things with sort of an ominous nod? and thats so helpful
#toy txt post#i want to he a clown and i can do a silly little clown voice but im so bad at responding on my feet to Random Heckling in a funny clowny#way :/ i dont even blame them really but it is a little weird to just come up and demand that i say something funny#i dont remember recieving the court jesters paycheck from you good sir so why should i provide the court jesters laugh?#but i do wish i could get better at responding to it and have something to actually fall back on gracefully#i have just now unlocked the skill of Badly Juggling#i need to learn stilts to that i can be Too Tall To Heckle/j#but like fucking WHERRRREEEEE#semi self taught is fine for juggling but i think a class of some sort would be really helpful for stilts and also for#like. safety. while learning stilts. i guess i should maybe get knee and elbow pads while im at it 😭 why does everything cost money#i want to be a clown but i really do not have the performers gambit. i could not survive on a stage. idm#idk*
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I know it’s bad bc he got a haircut and still want his stupidass :/
#we haven’t been scheduled together at in a way where we can just annoy each whenever we want in a while so instead every so often he’ll just#come stand behind our desk and either say dumb shit or not talk at all and I just.#like he came over when I had gone to check on the other site and when I got back he was saying to my coworker (they had never interacted)#oh I don’t need anything im just here (and then I walk around the corner and he goes from anxious to smiling) to harass them#so basically what if I killed myself.#fingers crossed he fucking is scheduled at sl this weekend but I think he said he isn’t? idk he was walking away when he said it and I#can’t hear for shit.#he came over while I was trying to fix one of our printers (so I was kneeing bc they’re on the ground) and I looked up at him to say#something and he made eye contact and then looked away so fast and did not look at me the rest of the interaction so like.#basically I need to [redacted] rn. it would fix both of us probably.#it’s so bad an obvious everytime we interact I think probably every one of my coworkers knows#prsnl#work guy -_-
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I'm sick and my dad's mad at me for not going to the flea market with my mom.
#warning: Vent in tags#I've constantly done things despite how under the weather my body was just to not make him upset with me#just this once I'd like to put my health first.#one time I went and ended up reinjuring my knee and got sick from some flowers I'm incredibly allergic too.#like the whole reason i went that time while feeling not good was so i wouldn't be emotionally tormented#plus I actually like getting the fuck away from here just to avoid him.#literally not my fault my body is a bitch to me#its so funny because he demands I go to help her but meanwhile all he does is sit anf watch tv and expect US to bring money back#he wants to know what we got every time so he can blow some of it on whatever he wants#I'm trying to save money so I have a damn chance of getting out of here permanently.#I'd hate leaving my pets behind but i just can't live like this anymore. idk how long it'll take though.#vee's thinking too much#vee's not important life updates
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brrrrr (/pos)
#weight talk#<- just in case even though this is pos#but like. okay ive been. SEVERELY underweight all my life#like i looked like a skeleton you could see all my bones it was AWFUL#i just. I've literally always hated looking like that i hated looking like a walking corpse i mean i looked ILL#but recently i started taking remeron for anxiety#partially bc my anxiety keeps causing me to not eat properly bc i feel sick constantly#so i kept ending up in the ER for malnutrition and dehydration and my liver getting messed up#well i started the remeron for the panic attacks bc daily panic attacks suck but the psych mentioned it could increase appetite#and it???? did????? I'm eating on a slightly more regular schedule???? I'm eating more than once a day????#and like. ok I've always weighed like 100lbs#highest i ever got was 111 when i was 16#and then it dropped 10#and then dropped 10 more in the span of 3 months while i was in and out of ER#and i was genuinely starting to panic over it bc i could PHYSICALLY FEEL my muscles getting eaten bc i had no fat left#like i was getting drastically weaker by the day my knees still won't stop buckling#but in the about three months I've been taking those meds I've. gained 10 back#I'm actually gaining weight like me and my mother are genuinely SHOCKED this genuinely hasn't happened since i was fucking TWELVE#and just now i took off my shirt and noticed. holy shit. my stomach doesn't go CONCAVE when I'm hungry anymore#like whenever i couldn't tell if i was hungry before i would just look at my stomach and be able to tell if it was too curved inwards#but now!!!!!!! it doesn't do that!!!!!!! and I'm genuinely fucking ecstatic like oh my god i don't look dead anymore#I've always wanted to gain weight i feel like i would be 100% more comfortable in my body as a fat trans man#and i can't talk about that to anyone bc they always say it's either self harm or fetishistic#when no i just genuinely feel more comfortable in my skin thinking of myself that way#and now i have confirmation that i would genuinely be happier that way with this bc the sheer joy i have at not being underweight anymore#i mean I'm still a bit under but at least im gaining SOMETHING like at least i dont look like a drowned street cat#seeing the very slight rolls and folds in my stomach when i move the right way makes me happy
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Can't imagine ever feeling bad about being single when Reddit exists. Today in cis het men are hot garbage.
Tw for traumatic childbirth, medical trauma, coercion, gaslighting and medical abuse and fucking troglodyte manchild of a husband. Jesus fucking Christ.
#the fact that people are made to push their babies out while flat on their backs will never not be appalling to me#the natural birth position is squatting or on all fours#what the fuck is wrong with western medicine#if i ever have a baby I'd be torn between having it at home with a midwife‚ which honestly feels less scary‚#or a hospital where i can get an epidural because i am really pain averse#my doctor friend says she tries to discourage epidurals because in her experience something always ends up going wrong#the pain is supposed to be a signifier of what to do#and how and when to push#it's unlikely to be a problem for me bc i'm divorced ace disabled and poor#i can't imagine being able to afford a child even though i really want one#still. the patient is the expert on their own body. this rule should be iron clad when it comes to pregnancy and birthing#i think being against cis male gynaecologists is too radfem but then stuff like this happens#obviously cis female gynos and nurses can also be horrible but this kind of numbskullery might be not as common#cis het men are a goddamn plague jfc#knee of huss#r/relationships#reddit
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IDK I do think a lot of my problems would be fixed if I moved somewhere where the average high temperature was never above 90.
#HEADS UP IM TALKING ABOUT WEIGHT IN THE TAGS!#it's so hot I can't do anything outside and it doesn't have me feeling great about my body#my knee is the worst its been for A WHILE#I don't feel like im improving in agility bc I can't fucking work on it rn and my agility trainer has life happening#and this is the second time I feel like ive been ghosted by her and I feel like shit for deciding to go back to that facility because#this is far from the first time that this has happened and more stuff has come into light about the shit they pull there which I haven't#personally seen but the vibes have been there for a while ive got six more weeks and eight more classes and im washing my hands of the plac#but that leaves me without a trainer or facility again bc im not the biggest fan of my works agility location#and I really think I need a coach more than a trainer bc I can do the things but I need another set of eyes on the problem#but I can't afford a coach bc I have to pay of 20k in debt by November and god that fucking deadline is getting me stressed
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