#A girl just wants to dissociate

[babyyashyy]

Need me some angsty zosan. The soul crashing heartbreaking absolutely devastating kind that leaves you in tears. If you know any please let me know

[msmc-796-official]

[BEGIN AUDIO TRANSCRIPT]

// Oh... oh god. I- we- no. No...

P? what's going on? is that the Requiem? and what's with all of the- oh no...

[transmission picks up a choked sob from Phoenix]

// They- those bastards-! Something is not right... something is...

hey, hey, woah, P, careful - don't dissociate on me now, stay with me. you're okay...

Kennedi! get in here; shit's bad!

// Something is wrong... all my fault...

> Slipshod? What's wrong? Is Phoenix okay?

[transmission picks up more sobs, devolving into full crying]

// They- they killed her...

> Who killed who, Phoenix? Where is this signal broadcasting from?

it's from the Requiem - something ain't right. someone died here. recently. maybe multiple deaths; hard to tell. obvious signs of a fight. looks like graywash ate part of the hallway too, though that's old damage judging by the blood splatter, and-

// C-Commodore...

> Hold that thought, Slipshod - what was that, Phoenix?

// Commodore... she's dead... they killed Commodore, and it's all my fault, and- no, no nO NO NO GET OFF OF ME-!!!

[transmission picks up the sound of a physical struggle]

WOAH! easy, P, I've got you! you're alright! you're safe! there's nobody here except me and Kennedi!

// No, no, you lie- the voices always lie- get off of me, get off of me, GET OFF-!!!

[transmission picks up further sounds of struggle]

K, gimme a hand here, I can't-

> I've got her. Phoenix, calm down; you're fine. I've got you. We've both got you.

// Something is not right... something is- something... I- we- I... oh, RA, my head... Kennedi? Are you-?

> I'm alright, Phoenix. You're okay. You had a dissociative episode.

hmph. this is a first. I've never seen P dissociate outside of the mech before in all my twelve years of working with her. wonder if something she saw in the livestream didn't trip her off..?

> It's entirely possible. Given you mentioned graywash damage, there may still have been remnants of Chernobog lurking about. (Balors are a recurring dissociative trigger, it would seem.)

// I... I'm okay. I think. Did I hurt either of you?

nah, we're fine. CMC sure ain't, though. what was that about Commodore being dead?

// It.. it was on the security camera feed. Someone breached her sanctum and killed her. She... she's dead.

yeah, but- why? what happened here? I've been in the shop all day getting our mechs ready to deploy; why hack into the Requiem's security feed now?

// I- there was an ask in our inbox. From Morse. The link was part of it. She- someone attacked her; tried to kill her for speaking out against Commodore. Everyone got involved. The Albatross, Brigand, Z, Operator, Headlock- the entire company fell apart all at once, and now Commodore's dead, and- oh, RA-

[transmission picks up further sobbing]

> ...ah.

// I- I need a minute. Excuse me, Commander.

[transmission picks up sounds of footsteps rapidly moving away, accompanied by choked-back sobs]

...can't believe the bastards actually went and did it. they burnt CORSAIR to the ground and fucking killed their own commander. what a bunch of traitors and scumbags. no wonder P took the news so hard; she and Commodore were real close, at least in spirit

> You knew about this?

oh RA, yeah. I saw that transmission from Morse long before P ever did. watched it all go down live. real shitshow of a fight - literally everyone in the company got involved, and then some. Morse got absolutely brutalized by Signal, but from what I've heard around the Omninet, she was rescued in the nick of time - not sure by who though. Chernobog's fully dead; Albatross thoroughly cleaned house on that front. Z almost died; I think Brigand swung by to pick them and some of the other injured folks up. no clue who actually killed Commodore - that didn't get caught on cam

> ...I see.

I also heard that all of the fucks who sided with Commodore's "Mercenary Queen" cult got arrested by Union - the HORUS chatrooms are already up in arms over the video of Signal's arrest as we speak. looks like everything coming from CMC on the Omninet now is all from some automated messaging system

> Unsurprising, but unfortunate nonetheless. I had a feeling everything was going to spiral out of control after Backtalker's sabotage came to light during the Brawl, but I had no idea it would amount to something like this.

I think I'm gonna disagree with you there, K. CMC has a bit of a history of being a powderkeg - this is, what, the third time the Requiem has gone up in smoke? fourth? Backtalker sabotage aside, we all knew this was gonna happen eventually. just was a matter of when, and how violent it was gonna get. (unfortunately for all of us, the answer to those questions were "too soon" and "extremely")

> Point taken, but the original still stands: nobody deserved this.

...if you say so. oh, one more thing, since I just saw it on my feed - Morse did survive. she came online to announce that everyone previously employed by CMC is free from their contract, effective immediately. I take it she means everybody everybody, which means there's gonna be a lot of mercs looking for employment here real soon

> A natural consequence. All the same, I doubt many will be eager to sign on with us. Our squadron was particularly close with CMC, and while our reputation is untainted for the moment, we may come under some scrutiny for our refusal to act in their defense.

hey, we made it very clear when Commodore went apeshit that we weren't getting involved, and we've got the chatlogs to prove it. granted, we had no idea things would blow up quite this dramatically, but still. our hands are clean, as are those of MSMC Legal. that's gotta count for something, yeah?

> ...Phoenix would be incredibly disappointed with your logic right now, Slipshod. If we hadn't received that call from the Baronies when we did, I'm almost certain we would have deployed to aid CMC the minute we heard from Morse.

yeah, and P's seriously gotta get over her savior complex. it wasn't even her fault that Commodore's wedding photo got nuked - word around the Omninet is that the Albatross whiffed a shot fighting off Chernobog and blew up Commodore's room by accident. she couldn't have done anything about it even if she wanted to - you saw the state she was in after she got back; whatever was left of Chernobog at that point clearly got to her. I've never seen her so dissociative - hell, it happened again watching the footage back, and she wasn't even in her mech!

> I won't refute that point. We need to update her file and tell Command not to send us any more commissions where Balors may potentially be involved; at this point, it's becoming life-threatening.

agreed. still, though - CMC's problems weren't ours to solve, and I wish P would've gotten that through her thick skull before things went to shit. what's done is done. it's not her fault, it's not our fault, and I'm sick of hearing her say otherwise. we're mercs, not the Albatross - it's not our job to save people. we're here to do our job and get paid, and that's it

> And yet you think it's your job to save us?

...I never said that.

> In words, no. But your actions speak volumes. You claim complete indifference in our affairs, and yet you're always the first to jump to our defense, whether we ask you to or not.

oh, fuck off, K - you and Phoenix do it too; maybe not with me, but definitely with everyone else on the Omninet. Z never once asked us to save them, and neither did T-E or Lio - not even Gray asked for our involvement, way back when. hell, from the sounds of it, Z doesn't even want to be saved - it's more than happy to be a weapon for the highest bidder, whether that's HA or CMC or-

[transmission picks up the sound of a firm backhand slap, metal against skin; stronger than intended, but delivered with purpose]

OW! what the fuck, K?!

> Slipshod, I am sick and tired of your feigned nonchalance and petty grievances. Just because you disagree with my and MC Michaelis-Landers' actions regarding our flashclone acquaintances does not mean you can openly sabotage our efforts to reconcile with them.

wha- I never-!

> Furthermore, you will not speak ill of Z-341-A, nor of their previous military affiliations. You will learn to hold your tongue in such affairs, or else. Do I make myself clear, MC Schell?

[transmission picks up approximately a minute of tense silence]

...fine. whatever. yes, I understand.

> Yes, what?

yes, commander.

> Good.

[transmission picks up a heavy sigh from Kennedi's mic, followed by another awkward silence]

> ...I apologize for striking you, Slipshod. That was... incredibly unprofessional of me.

nah, it's fine; I deserved it.

[transmission picks up the faint sound of Slipshod rubbing their face, presumably where they were smacked]

son of a fuck, that's gonna bruise. man. if that new hand puts that much power behind a slap, I'm almost afraid to see what it can do behind a D/D charge

> You very nearly did during the Brawl - had Sawbones not caught me off guard, Commodore would have felt the full brunt of it.

no kidding - you're lucky I saved your ass when I did, then, huh?

> You did not "save my ass"; I had that situation fully under control.

suuuuuure you did >:P

[transmission picks up another period of extended silence, more amicable than the first, but still with some unresolved tension]

...suppose the funeral's gonna be closed casket, then. you think we'll get an invite?

> That depends on if there's going to be a funeral at all. We don't know if Commodore's body has been recovered or not. Do we?

no clue. won't be a pretty sight if they do - from the few accounts I could find, sounds like her head was ripped clean off. definitely won't be telling P those exact details, at any rate

> Ah. Cremation might be more likely. In any case, don't get your hopes up - I doubt many of the members of CMC are eager to reopen correspondence with us in their current state.

fair enough. you wanna go catch P up on current events, or should I?

> Phoenix has already been through more than enough in one day. Let her alone until she's ready to broach the subject herself.

roger that. back to the hangar for me, then - I gotta get our shit ready for the Baronies

> Ah, yes, that. Perhaps we should request that our deployment be delayed; Phoenix may not be in the mental state to do so just yet.

eh, she'll be fine. I'm sure she's dealt with worse over the years - Commodore ain't the first important person in her life she's lost, y'know

> I'm sure she's not. As you were, then, Slipshod.

as you were, K

[END TRANSCRIPT]

[kkoct-ik]

im so gender confused because im a he/him who wants masculine attributes and i present myself as butch but i still get euphoria when i pull my hair back to look like a girl because then i look like my better self

[himblebo]

Again again thinking

[peppermintmochafem]

<3

[fairy-ganj-mother]

yesterday at 29.5 years old I watched as many videos as I could find from my high school marching band, choir, and theater run crew days and realized I barely have any memories of my junior year of high school (13-14 years ago btw) other than feeling bad™️

[maxdurden]

i got that kind of mentally ill swag where everyone in my life knows that i need to be medicated except my therapist ✌️💕🌎

[e-the-village-cryptid]

matilda the musical making me feel shrimp emotions

[queerishly]

.

[astral-catastrophe]

I hate how this girl said I was her best friend.

Her best fucking friend in the whole fucking world.

Then the next I know. My simple question about her coming to a thing after class turned into an hours long argument over Snapchat because she was too much of a coward to say it in person. Or over text. A phone call. Snapchat. A place where her messages would be gone the second I saw them.

Then the way she switched between “you did nothing wrong” and. The “you did everything wrong”.

Then the. “Okay maybe I should have done a b and c.” But the phrasing and her perfectly posed self was a grab for me to immediately assure her she’s fine and did nothing wrong. I’ve seen her do it to others and explain it to me.

So I answered with a simple. “Yea. You should have.”

And so I stopped reaching out. It was always me who would reach out in the first place. So seeing that she won’t do the same and is clearly fine with her entire damned “friend group” angry with her over how she treated me? Everyone I showed her messages too said that no, I wasn’t crazy for seeing manipulation in her words. Because I was being actively manipulated through her sympathy pulls.

So. I was her best friend. But now that I told her how I felt about the crap she’s pulled, that’s five years down the drain.

Five years. Five whole years??

I meant so little to her that she would rather hang out with exclusively her boyfriend and not her actual friends, just because I’m me.

Just because I am who I am. Just because I decided I wouldn’t stand for any shit from anyone.

All because I asked if she was coming to something after school.

I hate the whole victim mentality stuff. Like. I can see. Did I say things I should not have? Oh probably, but did I say it in defense? Did I say it because I’ve been trying to live by my brutal honesty? Did I say it because I was tired of being treated like that? Did I say it because I’ve had too many awful friends?

Did I say all that because I hadn’t talked to someone who claimed to be my best friend in over a month because she wouldn’t make efforts to meet me halfway?

I spoke from a position of someone who wanted their friend back and only tried to defend themself.

Should I have told her that it’s upsetting that she never makes the effort to be around any of us anymore? I’m not sure.

But she shouldn’t have blown up on me for a simple question. She created a problem, singled herself out, then took out all her issues on me. We were best friends, as you claimed. So fucking explain why I haven’t properly seen or talked to you since the beginning of November, which was three ish weeks before this all went to hell. If we were best friends, you wouldn’t have abandoned me for a boy you’ve known for nine months now.

Nine months, verses five years. She wanted me as her maid of honor to her wedding with this guy. She wanted me to help wedding plan.

We’re still kids. I refuse to take part in that.

Especially since the last time I saw her it was in the hallway between classes. She excitedly came up to me, acting like nothing was wrong. My fight or flight kicked in and I booked it because the anxiety was so so high from an out of character moment.

But I hate myself for wondering if I want her back. I hate myself because no matter what I said the outcome would have been the same. Because no matter what I’ll do or could have done it’s always gonna be her boyfriend over me. I’m the second choice. The fallback.

Do I really want her back over the nights I’ve spent near hysterics. It’s almost five am and I’ve been up for hours anxiety ridden and thinking through so much.

Do I want her back after her manipulating me? Would I be able to look her in the eye without seeing the “I have an issue with you acting like I'm the bad person” and the “I know you do care. But I haven't heard a single fucking word until today” and the “And then you blowing up on me for not communicating. I stopped trying to communicate because when I do I barely get a response” ?

I communicated more to her than I did to anyone else. Anyone else. I dropped things I wanted to do to see her. I didn’t blow up. I only asked a simple question.

Am I horrible for asking a question, then defending myself when being accused of stuff that’s not true? Because oh man. I shouldn’t have said a word. Next time I’ll keep my silence because my words are too sharp and too true for people to handle.

[mar64ds]

i am no woman or man i'm just a cartoon rabbit, i promise

[lguigna]

I hate to ask but can I get nice asks.?

[catcatb0y]

I have so much respect for people who just put their blorbo into every interation with other characters, as if everyone loves their blorbo and it's SO fun until half the fandom is blorbo-inserting with that one character you just can't fucking stand and every time you try to look for stuff of your own blorbos, they are THERE, HAUNTING.

[noxtivagus]

good morning i am just very slightly worried about prom <3

[lettersandinkstains]

what if i actually finished hemlocks this year. and then fuckin. decide it's just not good enough and make it go through one more draft just to torture myself

[yanderedrabbles]

Cheat on me please

How to safely rid yourself of a yandere

There's no easy way to get rid of him. He's too obsessive. Too controlling. Too bloody single minded.

You tried talking through it and he just scoffed and said you were being silly. That you were just too hormonal and would calm down in a few days.

You tried going no contact and he showed up at your door. Hammered at it until the neighbours called the cops and they dragged him away.

You tried being nice about it and all he did was grab your wrist so hard it bruised. His eyes like chips of stone when he said he didn't want to hear it.

You weren't breaking up with him. You had no reason to.

And the worst part? He was right. You don't have a reason.

On paper, he's the perfect man. Attentive. Generous. Handsome. He buys you gifts, he lavishes you with attention, he's funny and charming around your friends.

And he scares you.

Not because of anything he's done. (Perfect guy, remember?) But some instinct deep inside you tells you to be careful around him.

This one's a predator, he's got claws and fangs, he'll fill you with venom and never let go, some ancient part of you insists.

But try explaining that to him. He's so mindlessly logical. He's not going to leave you because of a silly gut feeling. Come on baby, what sort of shitty boyfriend would do that?

And that's why you're down to half thought out, borderline silly plans to get rid of him. Get your hot friend to sleep with him. Catch them in the act. Throw a tantrum and finally get to break up with him.

You can't try and excuse cheating. It's abhorrent. And his logical side will surely see that, right?

One little hitch though. He's actually loyal to a fault.

Part of you finds it hard to believe. Is he really turning down your absolute bombshell of a friend? The girl all your exes were just a bit in love with?

Maybe he's just being cautious. Maybe he isn't lonely and needy enough to risk it.

So you up the stakes. Decide to avoid fucking him as much as possible. And oh boy, does it drive him crazy. He gets irritable and needy and somehow even more horny the longer your dry spell lasts.

And you know that you almost have him. He's just a man, no matter how logical he pretends to be.

You pick a fight over nothing. Blow it all out of proportion and storm out to stay with your parents for a while.

Piss him off just enough that a revenge fuck seems like a great idea.

He ends up drinking at a shitty dive bar and oh what a coincidence, your gorgeous seductress friend just happens to turn up. The last text she sends you makes it seem like she's finally hooked him and you hurry over to her apartment, feeling just a little giddy. Your plan actually worked! You feel like a goddamn genius.

And sure enough, his car is parked at her front door.

For a second, you feel a little hurt. Yes, this is the outcome you wanted. Yes, you deliberately manipulated him to get to this point. But it still feels like betrayal.

When you make it to her door, it's oddly silent for a supposed drunken hookup. But you're too geared up to notice it.

She left her door unlocked like you agreed and you tiptoe inside, your heart going a mile a minute. Her bedroom door is cracked just a little and a shaft of light cuts through the dark of the hallway.

You swing the door open with a crash, getting to ready to cuss him out.

And you freeze.

There's no guilty couple leaping away from each other, no smell of sweat and cum, no illicit rendezvous.

Instead your friend is tied to a chair, her mouth taped shut with silvery duct tape and her mascara running in black streaks down her cheeks. Her eyes lock onto yours and she tries to scream something through the tape.

The door clicks shut behind you.

You turn slowly. Like putting it off will make the situation less horrible, less like a dissociative dream.

Your boyfriend looks ragged. His eyes are blood shot and his hair is an unruly mess.

But the worst part is the way he smiles at you. Paternal, almost. Like he's caught you doing something naughty but he's willing to overlook it.

"Come on baby, you didn't think I'd actually cheat on you, did ya?"

His voice is condescending, but under the surface you can hear a cold, terrifying anger.

You swallow. Those same instincts that warned you about him are screaming now.

"What the hell is going on?" You demand, trying to sound angry instead of just afraid.

He steps toward you and it takes everything in you to not step away. He picks up a piece of your hair and rubs it between his fingers. Proprietary, possessive.

"What's going on? You should know babe. You're the one who tried to set me up... As though that skank over there ever stood a chance."

He tsks. "I knew something was wrong the second you stopped sleeping with me."

He leans forward and whispers in your ear, his breath ghosting across your neck.

"I fuck you too good for you to give it up so easy."

You jerk away from him, your eyes burning like you're about to cry. How did this go so wrong?

"Are you insane? Untie her right now! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

He backhands you right across the face.

He's never hit you before and the shock is almost worse than the pain. You stumble, clutching your cheek. Your face feels numb at first and then a sharp, fiery pain blooms across your cheek.

He grabs your collar and shoves you toward the bed.

"Oh baby, you're lucky I love you." His bared teeth catch the light and he looks more wolf than man.

The edge of the mattress digs into your thighs and you fall backward. You're still reeling and he has you pinned under him before you can find the strength to scramble away.

"Thought about killing her, y'know. What kind of whore goes after her best friend's man? You deserve better than that."

His grip is unyielding. A part of you always knew he was strong, but until now you didn't realise how big the gap between you actually was. His knee is between your legs and he brings it up to press against your crotch.

"But then a light bulb must have went off. And I decided to see how things played out."

He laughs and there's nothing warm or welcoming in it at all.

"All I had to do was squeeze her throat a little and..." He grabs your throat and thightens his grip until you see stars. "And she was just fallin' all over herself to tell me about your little plan."

He let's go and pats your cheek with rough little smacks. "It was cute, baby. Really was. But fucking stupid."

He leans down and kisses you. His lips are rough and he bites your bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. The metallic tang of it makes you gag.

Your instincts were right. He's dangerous and you never should have tempted this monstrous part of him.

He tastes like cheap whiskey and you struggle to pull away. Your chest heaves and no matter how you buck and twist under him, he still keeps you pinned.

When he pulls away, something in your expression must please him because he hums and tilts your chin up. "But it's okay baby. We'll work through this."

He reaches down and tugs at your belt. "And I know exactly where to start."