#like this. Ive always cried a lot. And I want to fix it but Im afraid I wont

[phagodyke]

tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐

[lguigna]

I hate to ask but can I get nice asks.?

[itsalwaysdark]

i want to watch the things on my watchkist but i also never do its rly tragic

[gayhenrycreel]

i actually feel more welcome in cis spaces than trans spaces. it really feels like the queer community doesn't want me to be a man. i have had exactly one cis person misgender me, and he apologized. ive had trans people discourage me from transitioning and try to deny me the right to be masculine.

i dont want to wear drag levels of makeup. thats not me. masculinity has always come naturally to me, but femininity feels deeply unnatural, like slowly stabbing myself.

when i try to feminize myself, its selfharm. it makes me cry. it makes me feel like life is not worth living. repeatedly trying to convince me that id be happier if i was a woman (people say i can still be a man, but they also want me to wear makeup and dresses and not transition, so im sure they just want me to be a woman) is encouraging me to risk my life.

i even bought a dress. i tried it. i hated it. i cried.

when i look for trans stories i find scp articles featuring only transfems with no mention of transmascs, no matter how many other queer groups are included. often they imply that transfems are more oppressed than transmascs.

i dont even identify with transness. the idea this community has of what a trans man is is the opposite of me. the queer communitys concept of a trans man is a fetish.

thats not me. im just a man.

a lot of people dont believe that im trans because i pass so well. im a masculine person. as soon as im in a queer space i have to worry if my masculinity will be seen as something to fix.

i dont like being feminine. it kills me. it eats away at my soul until i am a husk of my former self.

ive faced more transphobia from trans people than i have from cis people. ive never had a cis person try to subtly tell me to try conversion therapy for my life threatening dysphoria.

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[crossnamara]

wjos. him. ill yap

my horrible ex husband. my beautiful wife,,,,,,,,my .john.

get ready for horrible fictkin ramblings

okay so. youre not like. in the fandom. so ill jsut explain the basics. john and i worked together. at peip. a secret part of the us military that investigated paranormal extraterrestrial and interdimensional phenomena. i was his mentor. and we. were in love. it was a secret, obviously, it was the early 2000s in the fucking us military, of course it was a secret. didnt stop us, though. he was everything to me.

but. then. the portal. peip built a portal to access a place beyond all realities, the black and white. we knew it was risky, but. they never told us how deeply unstable it was. he gave me his dog tag. as a little good luck charm. i never managed to give it back.

i went through the portal. it was dark, at first. just endless blackness. then He revealed Himself to me. first it was wiggog y'wrath, the lord in black, then his brothers. pokotho, bliklotep, t'noy karaxis, nibblenephim. it was horrible and yet everything about it was so right. it was terrific in every single sense of the word. and i knew. they would bring about salvation, the true gods. (for um. context. these are horrible eldritch gods that want to destroy humanity. telling this from my perspective at the Time but they fuckeddd with my head. a lot.)

it felt like i was there for a month, but when they finally dragged me out, i had only been gone for a few hours. still, i tried to tell them the truth and they didnt listen. said id gone mad. howd john describe it. a raving lunatic. they tried to fix me, like that was possible, but i managed to get out before they fucked with my head even more. i want to say i didnt see john until he saw me, but. thats a lie. the black and white is just. a void. mostly. and after a few years all i could feel was boredom. so i watched him. started from afar, catching glimpses of him any time he went out in public. he still looked like shit. but he. slowly got better. slowly started moving on. and god that fuckking hurt. there was a time, a few years after the portal. maybe around 2010 ish. that i would watch him sleep every fucking night. i wanted to slit his throat. i didnt.

(more plot context bc i started rambling. the lord in black wiggog y'wrath, also known as wiggly, wants to enter the world and make it his. to do so, he needs a cult, which he gets by getting people obsessed with dolls of him. peip sends the president, howard goodman, through the portal to the black and white to speak with him. try to negotiate by threatening to nuke him)

then. im so fucking close to finishing wigglys plan. but. john. he came into the black and white after the president did. wiggly was about to kill him. but john. came through. stopped it. it still worked out, in a way. johns spirit dissolved into the black and white. howie got out, they sent in the nuke, but. they forgot the russians had a portal too. moscows gone and world war 3 is imminent. we still couldve won. but that bastard gave his gun to that little brat through the black and white. she gave it to barnes, who used it to kill the prophet. the world still ended, but because of john, wiggly had no chance to reign.

and i miss him. i miss him so fucking bad. i remember him helping me go to sleep after id pulled a couple all nighters in a row. i remember letting him win at chess as i taught him until he was actually better than me. the way his breath always smelled a bit like coffee. the way he held me when i cried to him about my father. the way id held him when he did the same. the way we always promised each other we'd quit smoking and never did. his problem got a lot worse after i went through the portal.

anyway i got post limited half an hour ago so ive been able to add so much to this. sorry for the length

[neon-knights-mercenary-company]

For both Rowan and Ags, from that latest ask game:

1, 5, 8, and 10, plus the additional questions of "What’s the thing they’re into that they’re most embarrassed/conflicted about?" (Hobbies, interests, kinks, etc)

( @is-the-battlemech-cool-or-not )

1. What is the character’s go-to drink order? (this one gets into how do they like to be publicly perceived, because there is always some level of theatricality to ordering drinks at a bar/resturant)

R: context, baybe! Am i at a merc bar? Timbiqui Dark. I hate the stuff to be honest, but one has to keep up appearances.

Drinking on someone else's dime? Call me old fashioned, but i do enjoy an Old Fashioned. I like'em fixed with maraschino, and give the glass a spritz of absinthe before you pour. Fun fact: a surprising number of bartenders dont know that maraschino is a liqueur, and put a bouquet of fuckin cherries in your drink. Tha dinguses.

At home? I'll keep it simple, usually some combo of soda + spirits. Im particuarly fond of sasparilla and Yukon Jack.

A. I enjoy my drinks hot, not cold. Coffee with tequilla, hot coco with tequilla, tea with tequilla... you get the picture.

5. What was the last time they cried, and under what circumstances? (Good way to get some *emotional* backstory in.) 

R: my pride wants me to say it was at my mamma's teat, but... nah, lets drop the kayfabe for a sec and be real here. I cry, a whole fuckin' lot more than i admit, and nowhere near as much as i should. We joke and pal around and measure our dicks at each other, but in the end? We kill people. We visit incredible violence on our fellow human beings, and that should take a toll. And if it ever stops taking a toll? Its time to retire.

That doesn't exactly answer the question, so... last time i cried was a few nights ago. @is-the-battlemech-cool-or-not was gettin' me up to speed on the hundred years of history i missed out on, and i managed to hold it all together till i got back to my bunk. And then i broke down sobbing. Part of that was just, pent up stress from the goddamn meatgrinder of the Clan invasion. I lost almost everything- the war, half our company, nearly everyone we knew outside of that shitty ass Invader that misjumped us here.

But hell, y'know what? Ive still got that other half of my company. I still have Agata and Joana, i still got most of Fursona's Fusiliers around. Hell, i'm even reignitin' something with Remus... look, all those good things, that ive still got? Cried for that, too. It aint all gotta be tears of sorrow, you can cry for the good things too.

A: August 20th, 3028. Got pepper sprayed at Melissa and Hanse's wedding.

8. Describe the place where they sleep. (ie what does their safe space look like. How much (or how little) care / decoration / personal touch goes into it.)

R: whoo boy. Just cleared out ol' Ronnie's quarters on the Pony. Its not got much decoration yet, just the barebones cot and whatnot. Lots of stab marks in the walls and furniture from when i get bored...Kept his desk though- solid oak, from Samantha. And uhh... maybe a couple of pinups of Kamea Arano... and Candace Liao... and Hanse Davion... and-

A: Like Rowan, I've just moved quarters- her old room in fact, since I'm the XO now. I have my rock collection up on some shelves I put in- I like to get one rock from each celestial body I visit, unique if possible. Theres also stab marks all over the place that I'm filling in, thanks for that by the way Rowan.

10. What objects do they always carry around with them? (What do they need for their normal, day-to-day routine? What does ‘normal’ even look like for them.) 

R: Pistol, hormones, sunglasses. In that order.

A: I no longer have my katana from my time in the DCMS, but I do still have the wakizashi that paired with it. I still wear it, for luck.

Bonus: What’s the thing they’re into that they’re most embarrassed/conflicted about? (Hobbies, interests, kinks, etc. Gets into self-image vs how they want to be perceived vs what compels them anyway, plus backstory.)

R: Conflicted, specifically. The tough-as-nails merc persona is... its hard to keep up sometimes. I want to be vulnerable around those I love, but i have trouble turning the macho down. Its paid in dividends, over the years, in bonus c-bills made and fights avoided, but it's also taken its toll on me. And... i didnt let myself feel what i wanted to feel around someone who i now realized i loved- and still love- very much.

A: Sometimes, on my worst nights, I- I still think about my time in the DCMS. And its like I'm still there, never left, and couldnt leave if I wanted. And I dont feel scared or trapped by my superiors or my culture, or horrified by the things I'd done for the Combine. I dont feel anything but mild pride and nostalgia. I don't like those being the things I feel about that time.

[taegularities]

Rid you're crazyyyyyyyyyyy

just finished cmi11 IM FUCKING CRYING holy shit that was so good oh god

first of all the conversation between oc and her mom made me cry so hard- it hit home for me, as a girlie with mommy issues, that part felt so real to me. Oc's courage to stand up for herself like that and tell her how much she hurt her own daughter is something i dont have in me. It broke my fucking heart, that yearning feeling, i cant believe you put that specific feeling into words rid [are u part of the mommy issues community as well🧐 or are u just that amazing, a true fucking artist (i saw that anon calling you the beyonce of ff and i agree 100%)] idk how to describe my feelings rn, that part definitely left a mark in my heart, ill never forget it

second the domesticity in these two dorks oh my goddddd they're driving me crazy, theyre so cute and in love and im in love with them and i want to cry bc i want what they have but bc irl men suck the hopeless romantic in me is gonna have to live through fanfics for the rest of my life and that makes me fucking miserable but bless the fanfic gods like you that keep my soul alive, idk what id do without you

lastly that scareeeeee oh god like i knew itd be a negative but it had my heart beating out of my ass (idk if thats a phrase) but the way they handled it oh god, the emotionsssssss the fears and insecurities, just reminded me that theyre human, even if theyre the most fucking adorable characters ever, theyre still human and i loved seeing such nuance. You really are doing an amazing job rid, not only writing the story, scenes and dialogue, but also the way you write these characters in such depth, its so fucking refreshing to see.

i want to kiss your beatiful head that holds your beautiful brain, seriously ive never ever been so enchanted by a piece of writing before (and i read so much fanfiction its like an addiction) you are by far my strongest fix. For real tho, your writing, and particularly cmi has touched me deeply and I'll never ever forget it. So thank you

Rest assured and stop doubting yourself bc youre seriously incredible and so fucking talented. Now rest up and take care of yourself, i imagine its not easy to birth such work (i mean 36k you monster, i loved every second of it but damn girl take a break before you burn your brain out) but no srsly i hope youre eating well, sleeping well and doing things that make you happy and relaxed. You deserve all the best of this world rid🫂🩷

sincerely ~ 🐼✒️anon

panda hi hello oh my gosh, sorry for being late, but you mentioned so many important things, so i wanted to take my time HELLO!! never stop sending these lovely af reviews 🥺

i know... she really is inspiring bc the courage to stand up against someone you feared for so long is admirable. i'm part of both the mommy and daddy issues community even though it's gotten a lot better lol like i wonder why it's such a recurring theme in my fics 🤣 i'm so sorry you could relate to oc :( but i'm glad you liked the scene so much.

and ahhh the domesticity 🤧 it's been so so fun and relaxing to write!! real life romance can be hard to find, yeah :') so i guess writing these scenes and chapters has been extra cathartic (although it drives me crazy, too — the next chapter has been making me so jejfhdjjsgd), but here's to finding a cmi jk irl soon :') much more to come!!!🕯️

the scare was one hell of a ride 🥺 i cried a lot!! and even i have been realising lately that i sometimes try to make my characters flawless, but that's actually not what i wanna go for. i always snap out of it and then try to make them flawed bc they're human, and i think the cmi couple, despite how endearing they are, is definitely vv flawed :') thank you for pointing that out 🥺

your strongest fix?? girl PLEASE ILL CRY 😭💔 i love you so much, you're so sweet for saying that and seeing me in such a way, pls i want you here forever <3 i rested a lot after cmi11! but ngl, cmi11.5 almost burned me out ksjdhehd gonna rest even more after that hehe. tyssssm, i hope you're well and healthy and i appreciate you so much for your kindness, reassurances and love for this series/me. love you so much 🤍

[cocoartistwrites]

bestieeee im the ‘is it a date or not’ anon LOL i have few updates and it’s a ride!! and its gonna be very looong

1. it was a date!! and it went sooo well. we kissed (im easy, i know im a hoebag), but before he kissed me he brushed his teeth bcs he didn’t want me to taste the onion bcs we ate in indian food 😭 but he didn’t mind it from me.

2. our second date was last weekend. netflix and chill. at his apartment bcs my tv was still in the cardboard box.

3. his apartment is really nice, has a lot of books (sadly no fiction, just some engineering books and self help types). has a lot of stuff but very tidy. and ps 5 games. no pets.

4. i got my period while we were watching 😭😭😭😭😭 and i stained his sofa with my menstrual blood. i didn’t notice it bcs ive always been irregular. of course i didn’t bring any pads. i don’t even bring clothes bcs i didn’t plan to stay. so imagine the chaos in my mind.

5. i cried. a lot because it was so embarrassing. he hug me and let me cry. after that he apologized that he didn’t have pads/tampons. i wanted to take a shower and he was ‘yeah, cmon, i’ll give you my clothes don’t worry’

6. his bathroom is really nice, clean, AND HE HAS A BIDET. idk why but i noticed his products. he used la roche posay and aesop products like??? this is the first time ive been with a guy that doesn’t use gatsby or ‘masculine’ products.

7. he has very clean and soft towel and he warmed it 😭😭

8. he bought me the correct pads😭😭😭 like he bought me the winged, large pad, and an ‘emergency panties’. his apartment complex has a convenient store at the ground level so it was quick.

9. HE CLEANED MY BLOODIED PANTS AND PANTY😭😭😭😭😭 no disgust face. nothing. he also immediately clean the sofa cover.

10. i cried after shower. because he was so kind and he didn’t appear to be disgusted or upset or mad or disappointed. he just was like him??? he was so calm and nonchalant and kind and helpful and he was very accommodating.

11. i ended up wearing his tshirt and shorts. the shorts was too big, but he has some clips so it’s not too loose. LIKE HOW DOES HE HAVE THAT!?

12. i cried again. i fucking HATE to be the stereotypical menstrual woman but fuckkkk i was so embarrassed and touched. AND HE WAS NOT MAD AT MEEEE! ik it’s the bare minimum but i was so touched.

13. he bought me chocolate 🥹 like loads.

14. i apologized to him bcs i got my period. and he was ‘you dont have to apologize!’ etc etc. i hugged him. again. he asked me to sleep his apartment bcs it was late and his car was still fixed. i said yes bcs i was also curious LOL IM SO EASY IM SORRY but we didn’t have sex. he did not even initiate.

15. i sleep in his bed. which again, very nice and clean and smells good. he sprayed lavender sleeping oil (i got at my place too) on the pillows. HE WAS THOUGHTFUL.

16. he was planning to sleep on the air mattress, but i asked him to sleep with me. i cried. we cuddled and kiss kiss. and we sleep. no sex involved.

17. he has a white noise machine 😭

18. i thanked him for being so thoughtful and considerate and generous and not condescending. i even thanked him for buying the correct pads.

19. turns out his mother and his oldest sister ARE OBGYN! even more surprising, his mother IS MY OBGYN and i just got my pap smear at her clinic 3 months ago 😭 i didn’t make the connection bcs his mother has different last name.

20. he has two older sisters, and he is the youngest and only boy. idk why but this explains a lot about his choices of hygiene products.

21. he snores, but not too loud. it was cute. i think im in love.

22. in the morning he made me toast but with chocolate sprinkles topping. i found out this is dutch breakfast. his mother is dutch. (explains why he’s 6���6 HAHA).

23. not only did he clean my bloodied pants and my shirt, he also IRONED IT.

24. he took a cab with me to my place. it was sunday.

25. he mounted my tv. and made it so tidy that no cable wire was seen. 😭 if i did it myself it’s gonna be messy. but he did it so tidy.

26. IT WAS SONFUCKING HOT like??? he was in my living room and placing tv and things like that, connected it to wifi, signing it to netflix, hbo, youtube, etc. i was just staring at him. im in love.

27. i realized during our interaction he never complained. EVER. like never. i never see him in negative emotion. he was always calm. idk if it’s a good thing or not.

28. he still texted me his lunch/meme. and he just send me pictures orange stray cats he met 😭 i wanna have cat but i cant bcs my landlord dont allow it. i especially want an orange cat😭

29. i thought he was going to ghost me. but he didn’t. he even asked me about my period pain and he offered to ask his mom/sister about it if i have any concerns. i haven’t told him that his mom is my obgyn, yet. (should i even tell him?)

30. i really want him to be husband by now.

what do you think guys? do you think this is love bombing type? but at the same time he doesn’t do romance things??? idk. but these whole thing just made me 🥹❤️🥹❤️ please please tell me if there’s any redflag i missed bcs i tend to wear rose-colored glasses. and i tend to notice little things and make myself fall in love.

also how do i make it up to him? please tell me i really don’t want him to lose interest. but tbh i feel like he he still holds the same interest as our first interaction. more even???

sorry for the extremely long post😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

He sounds amaaaaazing! But also don’t go too easy just bc he’s started well or put him on a pedestal!!!! You’ll give him too much power and it won’t be even. You gotta accept the nice things as actually your due.

That said what about cooking for him or something nice and chill?

I’m so happy for you, this is gorgeous and hopeful and we’re all crossing our little fingers for you baby

[tricorops]

#1 - *insert some sort of pretentious title *

welcome in ! here’s where everything starts…

i probably should have thought a bit more before starting this entry but alas. here we are ! i guess ill go chronologically so the story makes sense,, if i miss anythinging im positive futrure me will fill in the gaps, but my memory is pretty shit tbh.

Before we ~officially~ start i guess ill introduce myself. i have a name (as does everyone fucking duh) but ive recently realized i dont feel like my name is mine. cant really explan it exaclty right now but in the last couple of months, ive gotten really angry that people call me by name,, whose to know whyy /s. realistically it’s probably due to the fact that im not a woman and haven’t been for many years now. i think im just scared to really admit it ? like i really dont like who i am, i dont fit in, and im so fucking sad all the time but im scared to start exploring my gender identity for who knows what reason. if anyone knows, please enlighten me. im 25, single and have never had a parter, been on one failed date (yikes), and haven’t come out to my parents. big. oof yall. i have a job that is what i thought i wanted to do, but im second guessing it rn since there is so much im not able to address or even attempt to fix. FUN /s

cool intro down i guess. now to the beginning ish ?

my earliest memory is my mom feeling me smashed avocado, but apparently that never happened. im an only child who’s always wated a sibling. my childhood was very lonely. my parents essentially removed themselves from their families, so i didn’t grow up hanging out with cousins, grandparents, aunts/uncles, literally no one besides my 2 parents. the memories i have of my first house are fuzzy, but i feel like there were a lot of rooms for only 3 people. i lived on a quiet street with lots of families with children of different ages, but i dont have any memories of playing with kids on my street or going to anyone’s house for playdates and what not. not sure why.

i remember when i was really little (maybe like 4 or 5 ish??) we went on a trip to disneyland. i think we flew there instead of driving. one of the days my mom was putting my shoes on— they were brown winnie the pooh sandals with buckles at the ankle and i had this weird feeling. it felt like i was in a dream like i was maybe lucid dreamis sort of? and i had this weird oedipus complex for my mom. like i saw how much my dad loved her and i wanted that,, its odd nw that im reflecting on it and i know many people go through this stage of development but like why did 4 year old me think i could love and care for my mom the same way my dad did ?? fucking kid lol. anyway perhaps this is graphic but whatever. i remember i was on the edge of the bed and she was sitting on a chair she pulled up across from me. my foot was between he legs so she could buckle the strap on my shoe and my brain just told me to push my foot closer to her? idk idk. but i push my foot closer to her and like tapped it and i remeber feeling hmm like giddy ? like i was so happy i had done that and then i went to do it again and my mom had like thrown my foot off the chair and started yelling at me. rightfully so like totally not ok for a 4 year old to try and arouse their parent. but in that moment i went from being so fucking giddy and happy and almost proud to feeling so fucking ashamed and unloved. and as she was yelling at me i just cried and cried and i remember just not even wanting to go to disneyland anymore because i didnt want to be around my mom. wild. everything in my little world felt so fucking big that my parent telling me not to do somthing inappropriate made me not want to do the fucking disneyland run anymore.

i dont know what came out of the rest of the day but we Must have gone to disney or soemthing. now, you maay be thinking “oh getting yelled at for doing something made you not do it again” right? wrong. my dumb fucking pea brain wanted to chase that feeling agian so the next fucking day when my shoes were getting put on i tried to do it again. there wasnt any yelling that time though. i just remember my leg getting pushed again, my name being said sharply, and my mom telling me to put my shoes on by myself or to not wear shoes at all. and what do you think little me felt? disppointment, guilt, ashamed. all to be expected but it hit my world hard (again 4 years old. every little thing feels like the world is crashing).

how does this relate to the present? i dont fucking know but i might figure it out along the line. anywho theres other things i remember from this age of my life but they don’t really fit the theme im trying to follow so i wont bore yall with the extra details. didnt think this one would be so long but here we are. i cant wait for the highschool installments bc those are FOR SURE going to make me cry hahahahahahahahaha strap in.

on the dockett for next time: elementary school. probaly around 2nd or 3rd grade. little preview— the first time i was called a lesbian (derogatory) and, upon reflection, my first crush phew 😮‍💨

ps. i know there are probably spelling mistakes and im not following any grammar rules. stream of consciousness yall. cant really blame me plus its uhhh 3 am here so yall are already know whats up.

[spicy-tomato]

Can i pls req dream being reader's sugar daddy :O - 🌼

sorry this took a hot sec ive been working on this one for a while cause i really liked the idea, so here you go :)) it ended up being like 2k words so im sorry

You had it all, anything you could want and more. Wanted to go to rome? Done, your plane leaves tomorrow. Dream absolutely spoiled you and you couldnt be more happy about it. It started off as a thing to help you with rent, but the longer you did it the more you enjoyed being able to get what you wanted when you wanted. Today was your weekly lunch with dream, you had both agreed that at least once a week he would take time off to get lunch with you, it made you smile to see him take time for you. As the tease you were, you decided to wear something a little revealing to tease him since he had cancelled your shopping trip with him the day before. You put on a low cut crop top and some shorts that show a little too much before fixing your hair. You hear you phone ding, getting a text from dream,

Daddy dream <3

Hey baby, i'm out front whenever youre ready to go

You smile and put your phone in your pocket before walking out to his car and getting in. you kiss his cheek quickly “hi daddy” you giggle and smile at him

“Hi sweetheart” he looks you up and down before smirking “like the outfit, all for me?” you giggle and nod before he starts to drive to the restaurant, one hand on your thigh. “Do you know what you want? You know the rule, anything you want no matter the price. And after that we can go shopping to make up for my cancelling yesterday.” you smile at him

“I know, and we dont have to dream, we can just hang out. Its been a while since we did that. Maybe we can go somewhere for you to make it up to me instead” he smiles and squeezes your thigh as he pulls into the parking lot of the restaurant.

“Anywhere you want baby, only the best for you.” you look down and blush, moving over to lean your head on his shoulder as he moves a hand to pet your hair. “Ill take you anywhere anytime and get you anything you want.” you cant lie, at times you had thought about being more than just his sugar baby, having a real romantic relationship, but he was always so busy that it made it seem almost impossible. Sure he took time out to be with you but it was never a lot unless you were traveling. He didnt tell you a lot about his job either, just knew that he had a large following and that he didnt want anything serious and put his partner in a bad situation, but damn if you havent thought about him coming home to you and calling you his.

“Baby? You okay? You zoned out.” he waves a hand in front of your face and you blink back to reality.

“Yeah, sorry i just got a little distracted. Lets go get some food!” you pull away from him and he gets out, walking around to open your door for you and holds a hand out to help you. “Thank you” you smile and take his hand as you step out, he closes the door behind you and puts an arm around your waist, pulling you into his side as you both walk up to get a table. You get seated immediately and he pulls your chair out for you. “Is there a single flaw with you?” you ask genuinely, he just laughs and shakes his head.

“Theres a bunch you dont know about me, sweetheart.” you roll your eyes as the waitress comes back with your mimosa and his water, asking for your orders. He orders for you and him before she walks off to put them in. He always knows what you want and orders it for you. It makes you smile that he likes to take care of you. You shake that thought away and go back to mindlessly talking with him, waiting on the food. It comes shortly and you both start to eat. “Where do you want to go? Japan? Italy? Oh we havent been to paris in a while, maybe there.”

“I think paris would be great, its always so pretty this time of year, maybe we can have dinner on the eiffel tower again!” your eyes light up at the thought of going back to paris. Last time you went was last spring, you both walked around and had the most wonderful time people watching and shopping. You take another bite and he looks like hes about to say something before he stops himself and looks down. “What is it? Is something wrong?” you look at him concerned, scared you messed something up.

“Its nothing darling, dont worry.” you both finish up lunch and he pays before helping you up and leading you back to the car. “I have something id like to ask you when we get to paris if thats okay, its nothing bad i promise its just something ive been meaning to ask for a while is all.” you nod as he opens the door for you and helps you in. “now, a pretty girl like you needs pretty new clothes for the trip, lets go get you some.” he smiles at you as he gets in, resting a hand back on your thigh as he starts the car, leading you both to the mall.

You spend hours in there going to different stores and trying things on, him getting you whatever you wanted without any hesitation. You walk back to the car with armfulls of bags and a couple new suitcases. “Thank you so much daddy, youre the best.” you kiss his cheek and he turns a little red.

“Its no problem baby, why dont you stay over tonight and we can leave in the morning to head to the airport. I can help you pack and we can watch a movie.” you smiles and nod, putting your bags in the back of the car and your new suitcases in the trunk.

“Id like that…” you think for a second about how nice it would be to wake up next to him every day and how nice it is to fall asleep next to him when it happens, even if when you did wake up after he wasnt next to you. The cold bed always made you remember that you would never be more than this, not that this was bad in the least its just sometimes you wish you could be more. He drives you both back to his apartment building and helps you out, grabbing most of your bags, only leaving you to grab the suitcases as you enter the building. He lived on the top floor in the penthouse, expected for how much money he had. You set your stuff down in his room, your new clothes already laid out nicely thanks to him. He walks up behind you and hugs you from behind.

“Youll look so good in all of those baby, gonna be the prettiest one in paris.” he kisses your neck softly before pulling away and taking your hand, leading you to sit on the part of the bed not covered by clothes. “Let me go run you a bath and you can pick out a movie.” you nod and he walks to the bathroom, leaving you alone on the bed. You turn on the tv and start scrolling through netflix looking for a movie, finally deciding as he walks back in and picks you up. You giggle and wrap your arms around his neck, moving your head to rest on his chest as he carries you to the bathroom. He sets you on the counter and takes your shirt off carefully, leaving kisses down your neck and chest and he moves down to take your shorts off. You lift yourself gently to help him take your shorts off. He takes them off quickly before nipping and kissing your inner thighs, ghosting over your core. You whine and try to move closer to him before he presses your hips down into the counter.

“Stay still baby, dont wanna have to punish you. Daddy just wants his desert.” you nod quickly and stay still, his head diving to softly kiss your clit, causing you to whine. He chuckles and starts to slowly eat you out, almost at a teasing pace. You whine and grip the counter, trying to keep from pulling his hair. He pulls away and smiles, “good girl, being so good and not pulling my hair. Just letting daddy eat you up.” after he says that his hands move down to your thighs open as he starts to eat you out like a man starved. You let out a loud moan and throw your head back, your hands moving to his hair and tugging closer. At this point he didnt care about you pulling his hair, to blissed out by hearing your sweet moans and tasting you. Your cries became louder as he dragged you closer to the edge. as you were almost there he stopped, causing a loud whine from you as he moves up to face you. He looked like heaven like this, face covered in your slick with eyes dark from lust.

“Now my good little girl, i want you to get off the counter and bend over for daddy.” you quickly move off the counter and do as your told. “Such a perfect little girl, i want you to watch as i make you feel good, got it? You look away and i stop,” he chuckles and grabs your neck after you nod. His hand moves from your neck to your hair to hold you in place, making eye contact with him through the mirror.

“Such a precious little pet for me, arent you?” you whine as he lines up with your entrance, teasing you, causing you to press your hips back against him. He smacks your ass roughly and pulls you against his chest by your hair. “Thats not very nice bun, its almost like you want me to leave you all worked up.’’ he smirks at you before pulling you roughly back against him, ripping a scream from your throat. He sets a brutal pace, leaving no time for you to adjust to him. He keeps the pace, your legs starting to shake as he brings you back to the edge of your orgasm before quickly throwing you over it. You let out a cry of his name, trails of tears starting to run from your eyes as he keeps going.

“Pretty little bunny, always so good and tight for me. Gonna breed you so good. Fuck you until i know it takes.” he tugs your hair roughly and starts to bite and suck at your neck, leaving marks in his wake. You whine and cry, moving your hands to tug at his hair. “So close princess, gonna fill you up so good.” he moves a hand to your clit to punctuate his statement, causing a louder cry to come from you as you tip over the edge once again. His hips start to stutter as he fills you up, riding out his high with shallow thrusts letting out a few more quiet moans before pulling out of you carefully. You whine and tug at his hair as he does so. He picks you up carefully as he pulls away.

“i figured we could take a bath and then cuddle before we pack and figure out what time we should leave for the airport.” you nod and he carries you carefully over to the tub, setting you down carefully in it before getting and sitting behind you. He starts to wash your hair as you slowly drift off to sleep. You wake up briefly as he lifts you from the tub and carries you to the bed. He moves the blankets back and sets you down gently before crawling in next to you , pulling the blankets back over you.

“Be my partner,” he says as you turn towards him

“Only if we can still go to paris” you giggle and he nods, kissing the top of your head before you both drift off.

[37q]

thank you so much for the sources and directives wrt tara :) i'm not a buddhist (yet?) but i've been reading a lot about the female deities of dharmic traditions, shaktism, the Mahavidya, etc. and honestly the idea of being heard, understood and protected by an all-powerful feminine entity feels like salvation to me right now. like, i crave tara's Liberation more than any other gift or miracle she could give me atm lol how did you get into buddhism and the tara practice btw?

my dearly unacquainted your words struck a chord in my chest. i hope you read this, its for you and me and everyone like us.

the search for liberation is endless and i hope tara can show you how to break the cycle. please, read this message as a journey. if i play u the melody, can you hear the karmic harmonies?

i got into buddhism because im a woman who refuses to be one. growing up trying to be something thats harmful to myself and others, where everyones place in line comes from hideous cruelty, covert or otherwise, and being trained under social conditions which ultimately seek to accelerate mass suffering via systemic domination -- that all made me a little sensitive to the idea of anything being "fixed".

maybe i should say -- i craved impermanence. please dont let this be innate. this cant be forever. what i am, everything thats been done to me, all their pain. i saw my pain everywhere else, in everyone else. i saw my pain before and after me, i saw everyones pain in their walk in life and i saw the pain held over our heads. it was hard not to see it as connected, like everyone is just clinging to our histories of interdependent pain and it makes us who we are. gender made it obvious, although thats a basic benefit of feminist standpoint epistemology.

i got into buddhism because in order to survive i needed a respite from the systemic suffering caused by social attachments. gender, like all phenomena, must be impermanent or people like us are doomed. fundamentally i wanted a world of compassion and empathy, forgiveness and change. buddhism offers such a path. despite my desire for it to serve as a refuge from gendered violence however, its clear that there is a current of antifeminism or general misogyny present in many sanghas. i recoiled more into cycles of womanhood once i felt my status as a human mightve been called into question.

stranger, do me a favor? pause and read tara's vow, reflect on all this a bit before going on.

do you know what bodhicitta is? its the endeavor to achieve true liberation, buddhahood, for the sake of all living beings. the pursuit of ending the suffering of all living beings, only reaching liberation with everyone else. returning with each life to the suffering world of samsara, bound by the restraints of our worlds attachments. remember this.

i found my way to chenrezigs lineage and the impacts of his legacy as bodhisattva of compassion. ohhhh how important buddhist compassion has been to me. always aiming for selflessness but avoiding habitual nihilism. dissolution rather than destruction, seeing through the conditions and loving the emptiness inside.

(recommended reading for the next part isnt dharma, its monique wittigs One Is Not Born A Woman.)

my first step in finding female solace in a doctrine of non-attachment was with his female form known to some as guanyin, or guanshiyin, who hears the cries of the world. she always lacked a certain... bite my practice needed. in my experience emancipatory compassion is disruptive sometimes. we connected, dont get me wrong, but it was hard to separate her pacifism from the training ive received in gendered submission.

well, then i found green tara, or she found me or something, not to get too new age-y. guanyin, the surveyor and listener, contrasted with tara, already stepping out to take action. my personal relationship with her is one whose compassion cuts through my karma. deep enough compassion tears down the walls of our attachments.

ive always been troubled to find this-world radical applications of the dharma, or to find this-world radicalism in the dharma itself. reproducing the gendered self by looking for reflections of my social conditions in a god is not radical, but dissolving the self without addressing these unjust social conditions isnt radical either...

in her vow, that tara returns. just like any other bodhisattva she heeds the constraints of her rebirth and transforms those chains into a vehicle of liberation. the "karma" of womanhood is a mere microcosm of samsara's suffering, she says, and as a bodhisattva she is an expert in engineering mechanisms of suffering into dharmic opportunities.

that womanhood, that divine femininity we see in her. ugh. such an illusion -- we project it in others minds! such falsehood -- its conceptual boundaries dont reflect reality! such conditionality -- in ourselves, throughout history, how we enact it! such instability -- we require life long conditioning and policing to maintain its peaceful performance!

stranger, do me another favor? read through the short green tara practice. meditate on what it means to look for solace in divine reflections.

do you know why the bulk of even basic tantric visualization practices are inaccessible to the uninitiated? two examples. one is that it requires education and training in action rooted in dharma versus action rooted in attachment. another is that it requires a deep understanding of emptiness.

when you look for tara youre looking for help. you need the second part of a hug. youre in crisis, and you need to get out. total solitude and nowhere left to turn. we reach this point in our lives where we can barely even find joy within ourselves, so we look for transcendental salvation elsewhere.

tantric practices employ, for the sake of this piece, two basic assumptions. one is that yidam visualization, such as with tara, manifests the persisting merits of the yidam nondually, so neither from within or without. another is that desire can serve dharmic purposes when not rooted in attachment.

lets revisit visualization. when you look for tara you look for help. you look for someone like you, as stable as divinity can get. she is separate from you, yet you see yourself in her.

visualization takes that projection a step beyond via what some call "manifestation", and so that requisite understanding of emptiness comes into play here, as does the knowledge of desire not rooted in attachment. it requires a practitioner with no self from which to draw attachments in their work. so i want you to listen closely.

when youre more attached to your karmic conditions than you are to liberation, you will bring that suffering with you in your path.

read that again. i am explicitly warning you from finding feminine solace in tara.

returning to samsara ad infinitum, rebirth only as a woman, manifesting taras protection, these actions seek to abolish the processes which allow their existence. to end the cycle of rebirth, to end the cycle of reproducing gender in our liberation, to end the cycle of reproducing the self and the god. these actions require you to dissolve their fundamental, impermanent dualities before you can free yourself with them.

when you attempt to visualize tara while still clinging to an impermanent sense of self such as with gender, she loses all emancipatory potential. her merit twists, soiled with your attachments to a divinely persisting feminine, female, or womanhood, serving only to reproduce those mechanisms of suffering within you.

i want you to interrogate these little things you do to feel better about your suffering in life. please, acknowledge that gender causes suffering. whether it be its systemic enforcement or because of our attachment to something ultimately impermanent, please recognize that looking to deify something so fraught will only hurt you.

ask tara where one can even find refuge on a sinking ship. ask her how she found liberation in something meant to subjugate. start to wonder where all the answers are coming from, doubt your sanity, try to find the border between yourself and her and find nothing. find that everywhere else, too.

dearly unacquainted your search is your karma. your findings will be your karma. tara asks you to stop searching, stop finding. she will show you the dead end, and i ask that you address that proactively rather than keep digging.

reblogging with links to side reading :)

[angstysebfan]

The Past Can Break You - 3

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

AU: Avengers

Summary: You and Bucky have been dating for aa few years. As far as you’re concerned he is the one. But what happens when a blast from the actual past shows up?

A/N: Ive seen a lot stories of Bucky getting his first love from the 40′s back. And I’ve always wondered... what would happen if he was dating someone already? Reader is from this time. Not proofread.

Warning: 

--

Bucky tried for several hours to try and get you to open the door. You ignored him, not wanting to see him because you were so angry with him. He promised he would change and make more time for you, and then he leaves you in the middle of sex for her! Dot is his priority, as far as you’re concerned. You roll your eyes as you think about the “trauma” she had. You know she is using their past to manipulate him, and he is being stupid and letting her. Well now he must face the consequences for his actions. 

You stare up at the ceiling of your old room as you again, for the millionth time, hear the knock and pleads of your boyfriend from the other side of the door. “Please, baby. Open up. I’ll let you scream at me, you can even hit me. I know I deserve it. Just let me see you, please,” he begs.

God this is getting pathetic, you thought. You sigh and figure it’s time to give him an earful and some food for thought. You walk over to the door and unlock it, before opening it to reveal Bucky looking disheveled. He still has no shirt on, just his sweats from last night.

“What could you possibly want me to say to you, Bucky? You obviously made your choice in this. You are allowing Dot to manipulate you to keep you away from me. She wants you back, and it’s completely obvious. You say you want to prioritize me, but you prioritized her! I’ve tried to be calm and understanding to what she is going though, but enough is enough!” you yell, causing Bucky to flinch.

He opens his mouth to speak but you continue, “Ever since she found out that we are dating, she has made it her sole mission to separate us. Do you even care that your actions are killing me? Do you even care that I have cried myself to sleep so many times at night that I forgot how to fall asleep without crying? Do you even care that you are shattering my heart with your actions?!” you yell as tears fall down your face.

Bucky now has tears falling as well as he takes in your words. He didn’t realize just how bad he had made the situation. He needed to fix this. He couldn’t lose you. You were the best thing that has ever happened to him, and he can’t believe that has been so stupid. He walks up and wraps his arms around you, allowing you to cry in his chest. He buries his face in your neck and cries also.

You don’t know how long you have been standing in your doorway crying, but after some time you pull away. Bucky looks at you with sad eyes, “Tell me it’s not too late for me to fix this. I-I don’t want to lose you,” he says in a raspy voice.

You sigh and look down, “I think I need some time to think about things. You need to figure out where your priorities lie. I’ll stay in here for a bit until I’m ready and then we can talk, okay?” you ask.

It breaks your heart to see the distraught nature of Bucky’s face at your words, but you need him to understand how his actions have made you feel. He nods and quickly pulls you into a hug and then slots his lips on yours in a heated kiss. When you pull away he looks you dead in the eyes, “I’m going to make this right. I am going to show you that you, and you alone are what I want and need. That you are my top priority. I promise,” he says.

As he turns and walks away, you can’t help but say, “Don’t make promises you might not be able to keep.”

Bucky stops and looks at you sadly. He really messed up. He finally turns away and walks back to your shared room, that he will now live in alone. When he closes the door he slides down to the ground and openly sobs. How could he be so stupid. How could he not see what was happening. Now he might lose the love of his life because of his past. 

--

Dot is sitting in her room, feeling rather victorious. She overheard your argument with Bucky, and knows that now that you are separating yourself from Bucky, she will have a better chance to win him back. She sighs at the thought of having her love back with her. She was surprised that he didn’t take her back immediately, as she was his first love. Yes, ok so it was like 80 years ago, but I mean the fact that they were both together after all this time, must be fate.

Suddenly her door opens and shows the man she has been thinking about. Dot looks up and smiles, “Hey Jamie! What’s wrong?” she asks, deciding to pretend she is innocent and knows nothing. Always worked with guys. So easy.

“We need to talk, now,” Bucky says, anger evident in his voice. 

Dot’s smile disappears. She figured he would be upset, but not angry, and not at her. “What’s going on?” she asks with a furrow of her brow.

“This is over, Dot. Whatever you are trying to do, it’s done. I know you are dealing with a lot, but you need to start figuring it out for yourself. I am done putting you before Y/N,” he says.

Dot can’t help but roll your eyes. “Oh is she upset with you again Jamie? I mean I understand being slightly threatened by our past, but she obviously doesn’t trust you. If she can’t trust you, then she isn’t good enough for you. Maybe it’s time for you to cut your loses and return to me,” Dot said.

“She has every reason to be upset! I’ve neglected her! I just want to know... are those panic attacks that you have even real,” he asks.

Dot feigns being offended, “How dare you! Of course they are! Look at all I have gone through! I volunteer for something back in the 40′s and wake up in 2020′s. There is a lot of thoughts and feelings I feel and I don’t know how to process them! Is she saying I am lying?”

“I am saying you are lying. You always seem fine when we are together, but the moment I go to my girlfriend you start freaking out. You are trying to keep me away from her,” Bucky says, his voice raising.

“I feel comfortable with you, Jamie! I love you! Of course I feel better when you are near! It’s not my fault you tried to move on! But tell me this, if you don’t love me like you did, and you love her, why then did you constantly leave your girl for me? You obviously are still in love with me! So dump the girl and let’s be together!” Dot yelled.

“You’re crazy! Seriously you are delusional! You use me being a good friend and a gentleman against me to separate me from the woman that I truly love. Well it stops now! You need to get your ass in gear because it will take me nothing to turn you out of the compound to fend for yourself. If Steve and I can make it work, so can you. And your trauma is nothing compared to what we have gone through. So get yourself together and figure your life out. I am done playing these games with you!” Bucky says before leaving Dot’s room.

Dot sat there stunned at the last outburst. If Bucky thinks that she will go down without a fight to the death for him, then he doesn’t know her at all. Dot always gets what Dot wants. No matter the cost.

--

Bucky knocked on Natasha’s door, trying to calm himself down from his conversation with Dot. Nat opened the door and immediately tried to close it, “Nat please! I need your help,” Bucky begged.

She rolled her eyes and allowed him in. He sat there and told her everything about what happened last night, and this morning with Y/N and Dot. Natasha smacked him upside the head at least 4 times for being dumb. When he was done explaining everything he looked sadly at Natasha, “So will you help me? I have a plan that will allow Y/N the time she asked to think, while also showing her that she is my priority. She is the love of my life. Please?” Bucky begged.

Nat knew how much you and Bucky loved each other. She knew how happy you both were, so she agreed to help. Bucky laid out the plan to Nat and they both agreed to set it in motion. Bucky felt better already. He told off Dot, got your best friend to help him, and now all he needed was to win you back. He hoped he wasn’t too late.

--

Chapter 2 / Chapter 4

Dot is trouble! What plans does he have up her sleeve? Will the reader forgive Bucky? Does he deserve it? 🤷🏻‍♀️Feedback is appreciated!

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[musubiki]

(if you dont wanna answer this bc spoilers thats completely ok) yo ive been thinking ab that one bpp you wrote ab how lime pretty much dies and mochi barely manages to save him and just. i wanna know ab the aftermath and how mochi feels ab it and her seeing the scars from it i need the angst

mmm no this is delicious i will answer.,...

i think mochis feelings is a big boiling pot of emotions.,...on one hand shes so. so happy hes alive and breathing. she loves him so much and seeing the life drain from his eyes was the most horrible thing shes ever seen and felt and she never wants to see it again. but on the other hand theres just. so much bad emotions too. the feeling of immense irresponsibility, dipping into some deep dark evil magic that probably in some way contributes to the rise of the big bad guy (im thinking like. when you tap into that dark magic it makes him more powerful and speeds up the resurrection process or something of that effect)

the other worse feeling is that horrible feeling of betraying sulluvan, since she pretty much bolted him to the floor and sucked life force out of him to save lime. THAT really pissed him off and did a lot of damage to their relationship and at this point im not sure how she even fixes it with him. he even cancels all of her old contracts and considers them forgiven just so he never has to see her again and cuts off all his resources for her

and of course the spell did some damage to her as well, most likely scarring up her left hand up to her mid-forearm. said damage also probably makes magic out of that hand weaker and/or painful, and doesnt go away until the very end.

and then shes also terrified of losing him again. probably cries about it a lot. theres probably a scene where shes trying to heal up the scar on his back more and just pauses and stares at it for a while. maybe plants a small kiss on the scar and lime gets SHIVERS (in a good way)

this kind of fucked with lime too though. he looks at the black scar on her arm and feels this heartwrenching guilt that she has to go through all that because of him. and this is also where his fucking vigilant justice begins cuz that same guy that fucked him up, lime goes and fucking kills him later on for doing that to him and mochi

i imagine mochi is very clingy and protective for a time after this, making sure lime is extra careful not to hurt himself, and lime lowkey freaks out whenever mochi pushes her magic too much and it hurts her arm. (and these turn into small arguments of "im fine stop worrying about me" "YOURE NOT FINE")

but it eventually just becomes who they are...,,.limes has a tick after this of rubbing/scratching his scar and stretching that shoulder, and mochi is always picking at her scar mark

[obiwan]

How do you make your gifs look so good and hq?? Any tips and tricks please 🙏🏼 ive been trying to make gifs for the longest time now (literal years) but i just cant do it im struggling so bad the ones i do look so shit lmaosjdj i also cant figure out how to do the right movement speed of them either 😭

Hellooo, i’m sorry the “i’m struggling so bad” took me out 😭 I’m sure it’s nothing you can’t fix. I’ll be honest, most of the time it’s about the quality of the video you’re giffing. Like that’s what makes a good gif. The quality of your video is your starting point and it determines about 80% of what your final gif will look like. I don’t exactly know what you’re doing, so I’m just going to link a couple things below: 

I know you said you’re making gifs already but here are two very good tutorials: 1 & 2 

Now there is also the ‘import video frames into layers’ option which looks like this: 

I do not recommend this method because 1, the video needs to be in mov or .mp4, which is not usually not how you get hd videos (you can convert but who wants to deal with this and secondly there is always loss of quality with this method. It's quicker but at what cost. (I'll leave a note below if you're insistent on using this/youtube videos) This gif I made was made with this method, which doesn't look too bad but it's from a screen recording of 660mb for like 40 seconds (meaning it's gigantic, which makes it easier to sharpen and make it look good). If I could download a good version l'd never do this. But if you’re insistent on using this method, make sure to not check limit to every two frames, because then it will skip frames and make your gif look very choppy. 

I always use at least 1080p videos (the bigger the size, the better). If you're doing music videos and using youtube videos I'm sorry they almost always suck in quality and they will never look super HD, unless you have a good quality download from somewhere else. (If it's really concerts/music videos you want though, talk to me off anon and I can give you another source that sucks a bit less.) I also don't always make high quality gifs when I have to gif trailers that are only on youtube. As you can see the last gif in this set (which is from the youtube trailer) is so fucking bad sksikdfdfh. This is from a trailer. This is from a good 1080p movie and these two are a 2160p one. Not a huge difference with the 1080p and 2160p, but you can still tell. The youtube trailer one I won't even comment.

Again idk what you're giffing but most of the time when people say their gifs don't look high quality or crisp or something, I'll look and then they'll be giffing tiktok videos or a bad stream or something 😭 like that will just never look HD as 4k marvel movie someone is giffing. You need high definition videos, there is no way around that, no tips no tricks. OK moving on.

The sharpening might be a bit tricky because I think every gif maker does their own thing - this also depends on the quality of the video. Always use smart sharpen. If it's a good quality video, these are good settings, if it's not, I'd skip the second one. The better quality you have, the more you can sharpen - but I also wouldn't sharpen more than these settings, maybe if it's a 4k video (depending on the colours, the gif size etc) I could do 500 and 0.4, but nothing more than that because if you sharpen too much your gif starts looking cris-crossy. 

The speed is almost always 0.05, (unless in extremely rare cases where the video you’re downloading has a different frame per second rate, but this is very rare.) unless you are skipping frames, which, please don’t because then the gif looks so choppy 😭 A lot of people don’t like this, and with the 10mb limit I think it’s quite okay to not skip any frames. 

The colouring, I can’t really say a lot about because this also really depends on what you’re giffing and which scene, etc. Everyone has their preferences obviously, but I always go with less is more (since I don’t like overly coloured gifs myself, but again, personal preference!) Some people use base psds, they don’t really work for me so I don’t have them, but if you search around (look for gif tutorial on tumblr) you’ll find some. This is a good overall resource blog.

Anddd that’s it? Oh - if you want to do youtube videos, I’d say get 4k downloader  and keep these as your maximum sharpening settings: 

no matter what the quality is. Youtube just compresses stuff a lot. If you want to gif trailers, check apple trailers, they usually have higher quality trailers, but it will drop a bit later (you do not need itunes, just google apple trailers and it’ll be there). I hope this helps, I really am not great at explaining stuff, so please feel free to ask anything specific & happy gif making lol. 

[wizkiddx]

heyheyhey idk if u do req but love your dad tom stuff! PLZ PLZ do tom helping his kids with homework but cant do it and reader has to help and its all fluffy 😩💕

ye im down to do req and this had me going completely ott cos its v cute (and a lot less angsty than what ive written recently aha) so apologies for my ramblings:

Summary: tom has the kids for a day and maths homework throws a spanner in the works - tomhollandxreader

implied smut + v slight reference to porn but basically just fluff I promise xox

\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////

Tom had dealt with a lot of whining today. Nova and Leo were the absolute joys of his life, there was no doubt about it. Of course, he also loved you a hell of a lot too - sometimes to his detriment though, hence the position he was in now. 

You’d had a busy week at work and he had been away for the first half of it - leaving you as an almost single mother to a 5 and a 7 year old. So completely fairly, you’d asked if he wouldn’t mind watching the kids for a the day on Sunday, allowing you to go to a friends baby shower. There was no answer but to agree, Tom loved quality time with the kids and he wanted you to kick back and relax with you friends too. 

However the afternoon had not been nearly as idealistic as it were supposed to be in his head. You had left him only one real job (apart from the unavoidable essentials of keeping the kids alive with food and water, something you’d hope he need not be reminded about now). Really it shouldn’t of been that hard, it was just each kid had two pieces of homework. After convincing and cajoling the kids into sitting at the table which he’d already set up with Nova’s ‘Liverpool FC’ and Leo’s ‘captain marvels’ pencil case, the English was easy. 

In fact 5 year old Leo took great joy out of writing a poem with his Dad, which basically involved trying to rhyme any word with another - especially when he tried to convince Tom that all his completely fictitious words were real and worked together. A personal favourite had been ‘snakes’ and ‘palakes’ which Leo was convinced meant pancakes - arguing so vehemently Tom almost started to doubt himself on basic English. 

Thankfully though his eldest and most sensibly child eventually took him out his misery. If anyone had any control over the Holland boys, Leo and Tom - it was the Holland girls. You and Nova had both boys completely under you spell, often taking advantage of the fact too. It was only when Nova got bored of hearing Tom and Leo mock arguing, interspersed with the little boys giggles that Tom tried his absolute hardest to keep a straight face at, that she swooped in.

“Stop being silly Leo, mummy told you he’s not good at school!” She looked oh so innocent, eyes immediately flicking down to continue the little short story she was happily going on with. In response  Tom scowled, knowing your highly curious and intelligent daughter had asked you (for one reason or another) why he was not so academic. Yet instead of Leo bursting out laughing, instead he just nodded and accepted it too - making Tom scowl even more. Not even Leo thought it was a joke. 

So apart from his children apparently taking pity on his simple mind, it was all going smoothly. Perhaps, due to the thankful fact your children had inherited their brains from their mother - something Tom was forever thankful for, until he was shamed for his substandard intellect in the family. Then again though, he was Spiderman. So take that. 

Until Nova brought out her maths sheet. Then the afternoon quickly descended into chaos. It was fractions, something she hadn’t quite grasped from school yet - a concept that still hurt her head somewhat. Normally though it’d be fine, she’d bring the sheet to you and the two of you used ‘ girl power’ to figure it out… you prior experience as a tutor while in uni helping you know how to break through to her. 

Unfortunately Tom didn’t share this same experience. Nor did Tom share a maths qualification… something that had evaded him completely during his schooling career. Of course, it had never been a particular issue, acting didn’t require the use of maths and algebra and Tom was in a very lucky position of being able to pay someone to manage his finances from a very young age. So no, dividing 2/3 and 3/7 didn’t come the most naturally to him. Or at all to be quite honest. 

“I CANT DO IT AND GRACE IN MY CLASS COULD!” For context, Grace was one of her school friends, who forever liked to compare herself to the young Holland - especially because she was normally ahead. Nova had gone from quiet frustration, staring at the questions with her tongue sticking out slightly, to one of pure rage - yelling at her dad with tears in her eyes. Nova was normally incredibly intuitive, she always found it difficult when she couldn’t do something. Now, with a ‘teacher’ who was more useless than her - the frustrations inevitably bubbled over. 

“Hey, we can work it out, just calm-“

“YOU CANT DO IT EITHER YOUR STUPID “ She was just young and frustrated, Tom tried not to take it personally but … it wasn’t always easy. Chiefly because this was the height of offensive statement Nova knew - this was her version of adult explicit language. 

“Nova you can’t be rude.” He used his stern voice, something Tom very rarely used with his little girl. Though he never wanted to upset her, neither did he want her to think it was ever okay to be so rude to anyone like that- no matter how crappy at maths they were. It hurt him to do so but it was necessary - life lessons about the importance of being kind needed to be learnt. And it worked… if what Tom was aiming for was his beautiful baby girl’s eyes to brim with sparkling tears, her bottom lip quivering slightly. 

Instantly Tom’s eyebrows drooped, trying to fight his natural reaction to scoop her onto his knee and reassure her everything was okay. But as you had lectured him many a time before, he had to put his foot down once in a while. So instead, the father and daughter were locked in a silence and intense eye contact, until Nova hesitantly began to speak. 

“I’m sorry Daddy.” During which, Nova shoved her chair back, making it screech against the tiled floors uglily before running off up the stairs. Tom knew she was crying a lot. Knew this was going to take a bit of fixing. 

With a sigh of his daughters name, Tom popped his head into the living to check on Leo who had already finished all his stuff. Seeing him completely zombified in front of ‘paw patrol’ on TV, Tom trudged up the stairs. He knew where she was, when Nova was upset she always hid in the corner of her wardrobe and cried in the darkness. So after steadying himself with a little internal monologue of how to approach the situation Tom walked in and sat down beside the wardrobe - knocking on the door slightly. 

“Nova… can we talk please?” All he heard was sniffing echoing from the wooden chamber until she tried to shout through the door.

“Go-go… go away daddy.” It broke his heart, the way her voice wavered, making Tom pout - gently letting his head fall against the wardrobe doors. 

“I don’t want you to be upset beautiful…. And you did apologise which I appreciate. You know why Daddy got angry right?” Her sniffles heightened before she muttered a quiet ‘yes’. “And you are sorry? Because that might’ve made me really sad too.”

“I’m s-s-sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“Then that’s good and we don’t need to cry. You want a cuddle little one?” Before Tom could even properly get up the door was being pushed open by her little hands, revealing a tear stained face and big glassy eyes looking up at her Dad. Swiftly Tom scooped her up and out of the cupboard, whispering to her while she buried her face in his chest. 

“Oh come here my little bean.”

//////////////////////

When you came home late that evening, only mildly exhausted from spending the whole day gossiping with your girls, it was weirdly quiet. All the lights were out in the front room, which made you close the door gently, thinking Tom had managed to exhaust the kids - and himself in the process. With a relieved sigh at the peace you pattered into the kitchen to get yourself a drink (it had been a little concern that Tom would’ve worked the kids into a hyperactive and delerious state that kept them up long past bedtime - which ultimately you’d have to deal with). The house was remarkably silent and though it was clear from the littered toys everywhere that it had indeed been Tom alone in charge, everything seemed pretty okay. 

It was only as you were about to head upstairs to join your hubby in bed that you realised the study light was still on, streaming through the small crack in the doorframe. Assuming Tom had just neglected to turn it off, in otherwords Tom being Tom, you nudged it open with your hand. Surprisingly though, there was your husband, hunched over the desk, looking almost angrily focused - between the computer screen and a piece of paper below him. Normally you would’ve just assumed it was another script sent over or an edit Harry had sent of another screenplay they were writing together. 

But no, the blatant red flag was the screen that you could see. A screen on YouTube, of a man pointing at a whiteboard of fractions. 

So with a soft wrist you wrapped your knuckled on the side of the door, even if you had technically already entered the room. The reaction had you stifling a laugh, it was as if you’d caught him watching something *less PG* the way he jumped out his seat, closing the browser immediately. 

“Love!! I -er … didn’t know you’d got back?”

“I just did.” You smiled gently, while walking into stand behind his chair, wrapping your arms round his neck and pressing a kiss to his jaw. “Soooo…. what’ca doingggg” The glee in your voice was evident, making Tom groan and shut his eyes. 

“I hate you, you know that right?” 

“No you don’t… but you were watching a primary school video on fractions, if I’m not so mistaken?” He sighed deeply, making a point of turning the paper with his scribbles over to obscure it. 

“Nova’s homework.. she couldn’t do it and neither could I, so then she basically screamed at me for being thick and udseless and then had a breakdown.” 

Now you felt guilty. This was a bit of a sore spot with Tom, he always for some reason felt inferior because of his academic ability. Which was stupid- mainly because he was the most clever and talented man you’d ever met. Just…. Just not at fraction. 

“Oh T… you could’ve just left it for me to do with her, I don’t mind.”

“That’s not the point Y/n.” He snapped a little, shrugging your arms off him and spinning in the chair so he could face you. “She’s my daughter and I should be able to help her! It’s not like it’s that hard, it’s just I’m unbelievable thick.”

“Tom stop. Look - you can do this I assure you, it’s just been a long old time ‘kay? Your rusty and that’s only natural.”

“I really don’t think I could ev-“

“Can I teach you? It’s just the method and then I promise you’ll get it.”

It took a bit of persuasion but eventually Tom agreed, letting you pull the corner chair forward to beside his desk so you could demonstrate it to him. To be fair, he really could do it- just a bit of familiarising on the ‘stick-change-flip’ method. The way the lightbulb moment literally caused his face to light up; scurrying to do the question for himself, tongue sticking out in the process; then presenting it to you proudly - well it had you melting in your seat. 

“See! That took all of 5 minutes and you got it.” You elbowed  his side by leaning forward in the chair, which instead of letting go, Tom reached and caught, before pulling you up and round. You landed with you bum perched on the edge of the mahogany desk, Tom now stood up- his legs in-between your parted thighs - your feet hooking round the back of knees. 

“It’s all down to my incredibly talented teacher.”

“No…. No I really don’t think it is” You mused with a soft voice, fingers instinctively going to the nape of his neck - twirling the little curls round your fingertips. 

“Well even so… I think I could teach you a thing or two too.” Never one to mull on anything, Tom’s tone had immediately switched to something a lot more… mischievous. 

“Not even going to ask about my day? Wheres the chat mr smooth?” He had to repress the grin at your smirk because as much as you infuriated the hell out of him - you also had this weird ability of making him feel so entranced and helpless. He relented with a sarcastic chime.

“Fine, how was your day love.”

“Good…. but I have a feeling you’re about to make it a whole lot better.”

That was all the signals he needed to lean forward, in doing so forcing you back until your back landed completely on the cool wood. His lips feathered yours, both hands pinned either side of your head.

“Oh darling… you have no idea.”