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emy-loves-you · 4 years ago

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Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays Chapter 6

Who the F*ck’s Rebecca? OR How the 3 Gays got Together

Virgil learns about Roman’s childhood, specifically his sister and how he ended up dating Patton and Logan.

Warning: Misgendering of a character (but no one knows that the character is trans)

Yes, Roman and Remus are brothers. Explanations are listed at the bottom

Chapter 5 | Masterlist | Chapter 7

V- (2:07 PM) Let it Go was the best song in Frozen and you cannot convince me otherwise

R- (2:07 PM) I respect your opinion, but hear me out: Love is an Open Door

V- (2:08 PM) No

R- (2:08 PM) What about Fixer Upper?

V- (2:09 PM) Still no.

P- (2:09 PM) I really liked Olaf’s song about Summer!

L- (2:10 PM) I personally enjoyed the reprise of First Time in Forever.

R- (2:10 PM) You like almost any song with a reprise

L- (2:10 PM)I will not argue that, as successfully executed reprises are “lit.”

R- (2:11 PM) Ah, and who among us could forget the absolute BOP that is… that weird ice-cutting song.

P- (2:11 PM) I don’t know, Roman. I think that song is, pretty COOL

R- (2:11 PM) Oh, lookout

V- (2:12 PM) What? He’s just saying it’s a CHILLED out groove.

R- (2:12 PM) Ugh

L- (2:12 PM) We might need you two to leave this chat if you don’t stop.

Virgil laughed, throwing his phone on the bed and stripping out of his clothes. He just finished jogging home from Janus’ (he didn’t own a car right now, preferring to walk or have Janus pick him up). It was a lazy afternoon in late September, and all Virgil wanted to do was get out of these sweaty clothes and maybe take a nap. He heard his phone go off multiple times as he got dressed, probably Patton and Logan arguing about the purpose of puns. He flopped down onto his bed and grabbed his phone, checking the new messages.

P- (2:14 PM) Lo, the Princes are calling.

L- (2:14 PM) Tell Roman not to answer, Patton. We’ve been over this.

P- (2:14 PM) They’re asking about us, Lo.

L- (2:14 PM) Tell Roman to hang up. They’re not worth it.

P- (2:15 PM) They’re yelling now, L. They brought up Rebecca. What do I do?

L- (2:15 PM) Just walk into another room, Patton. Ignore them. Do you want me to call you?

P- (2:15 PM) No, I’m good. Just keep texting me. I need a distraction.

Now, Virgil had no idea about what the fuck was going on. But he knew how to distract someone. He’d just have to trust them to tell him later.

V- (2:16 PM) Did you know that octopi have 3 hearts?

L- (2:16 PM) What

P- (2:16 PM) That just means they have more love to give!

V- (2:17 PM) The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

P- (2:17 PM) Such a good bird!

V- (2:17 PM) Babies do not regularly produce tears until they are 1-3 months old

L- (2:18 PM) Ah, I think I understand now

V- (2:18 PM) A ‘jiffy’ is an actual unit of time. It stands for 1/1000th of a second

L- (2:18 PM) Falsehood. A jiffy is 1/100th of a second

V- (2:19 PM) Sorry, my hand must’ve slipped.

L- (2:19 PM) You would be unable to walk on Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus or Neptune because they have no solid surface.

L- (2:20 PM) An asteroid about the size of a car enters Earth’s atmosphere roughly once a year. However, it burns up before it can reach us.

L- (2:20 PM) The highest mountain known to man is on an asteroid called Vesta. It is approximately three times the height of Mount Everest.

P- (2:21 PM) I think they hung up. Thanks for keeping me company, Kiddos!

L- (2:21 PM) It was not an issue, Patton.

V- (2:21 PM) Yeah, no problem Pat. Now can someone explain what just happened?

L- (2:23 PM) As you can probably tell, I am not home at the moment. Apparently, Roman’s parents decided to call him and an argument broke out. The rest is not my place to say.

Virgil bit his lip, refusing to look at his phone screen. Did Virgil have the right to ask about that. It was obviously a very sensitive topic, and Virgil had only known Roman for about 3 months now. Virgil felt like he knew a lot about his 3 crushes (their quirks, their favorite sweets, their goals in life), but he knew very little about their lives before Virgil had met them. Which was fine; they knew very little about Virgil’s life, too. But he desperately wanted to help Roman; to make him feel happy and safe and loved. Virgil sighed, setting his phone on his nightstand. If Princey wants to tell me what’s going on, I’ll listen. If not, I’ll just have to deal with it.

Virgil woke up from his nap to the sound of his phone going off. He blindly felt around for it, his face still firmly planted in his pillow. He finally found it, turning it on before he lifted his head to read the text. It was a private message from Princey.

R- (3:02 PM) You’re probably wondering what happened today.

V- (3:02 PM) I am, but you don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable. I’ll respect your privacy.

R- (3:02 PM) As much as I appreciate that, you still deserve to know.

R- (3:03 PM) Do you mind if I call you? This doesn’t feel like a conversation to have over text.

Virgil thought about it for a moment. He originally never wanted to call Roman, simply because he might recognize Virgil’s voice as Anxiety’s. However, not only was Virgil 99% confident that Roman had never even heard of The Dark Sides, Virgil’s head was still foggy after his nap. Before he knew it, he was already calling Princey’s phone.

“Virgil?” Roman didn’t sound as… grand as Virgil expected. His voice was subdued and slightly hoarse, probably from the screaming match with his parents.

“Heya, Princey.” Virgil cringed at how gravelly his voice sounded. He’ll need to get some water after this conversation is over.

“You sound so tired. Oh my stars, did I wake you up? I’m so sorry. I’ll let you get back to sleep-”

“Princey, it’s okay. Just finished my nap. Might not talk much, but ‘m all ears.”

“Alright. Where do I even begin?”

“Take your time. ‘m not pressurin’ you or anythin’.”

“(sigh) You’re right. I guess I should start at the beginning. I grew up in a very... conservative household. My parents expected me and my sister, Rebecca, to be perfect. ReeRee was my partner in crime. We did everything together up until highschool. My parents expected me to get a football scholarship and date the hottest girl in school. I did those things, not because I wanted to, but because they wanted me to. ReeRee was a different story. When my parents signed her up for cheerleading, she tried to join the football team instead. When they told her she should wear her hair in a ponytail, she cut it off to match mine. I didn’t understand, and it made me angry. It was like looking in a funhouse mirror; she was starting to look more and more like me, and yet each change made my parents angrier. Why was looking and acting like me a problem? I thought they liked this version of me! One night in the summer before junior year I was really frustrated and I took it out on her. I told her to stop acting like me. I knew she didn’t deserve my anger, so I went to Patton’s place to cool down. By the time I came home, my parents refused to acknowledge that I even had a sister. I pushed her away, and now I’ll never get her back.

After that, things changed. I was so angry, and everything I saw reminded me of her. I quit the football team, because every time I went down to the field I expected to see her. I dyed my hair, because every time I looked in the mirror I saw her staring back. I stopped caring about what my parents thought, ‘cause it was their opinions that dragged me into this mess!

I had already been friends with Patton since Freshman year, but me and Logan had been at each other’s throats . We were always bickering about something, and sometimes I used our arguments to vent out my anger at whatever was wrong at the time. I didn’t even realize how much I had cared about Patton and Logan until I learned about the LGBTQ+ community. My parents were super strict, and Patton and Logan didn’t exactly flaunt their relationship. I had no idea that liking guys was even an option . Once I learned about it, my parents quickly tried to shut it down. Everyday, they’d start their day telling me that ‘homosexuality is a sin’ and ‘God made you to be the gender you were born with!’ If they had told me that before ReeRee left, I might’ve believed them. But by this point, I didn’t care about a single thing they told me.

So one day, I’m arguing with Logan about who knows what, and suddenly we’re inches apart, and I remember pa saying ‘ a boy should never kiss another boy.’ And just think, ‘Fuck it.’ And now me and Pocket Protector are suddenly making out behind the school building. Microsoft Nerd asks why the hell I decided to make out with him of all people, and I break down right there. He agreed to keep it a secret, but he refused to do anything more than a simple make-out session until he had Padre’s consent to do so. Which I understood, consent is important, cheating is bad.

Now we’re having these ‘sessions’ at least once a week for almost 4 months. Patton eventually walked in on us and he was understandably upset. I explained what had happened and that I’ve had a crush on both of them for a while. And they’re like ‘cool, we’re polyam.’ And now I’m starting senior year dating two men, which mom and pa were not okay with. I told ‘em to fuck off and we moved away as soon as we graduated. They still call occasionally, asking when I’m gonna get my life together and get over losing ReeRee. I haven’t blocked ‘em yet in case they find her or change their minds.”

Roman finally took a deep breath. “Sorry about the rant. Didn’t realise how badly I needed to get that off my chest.”

Virgil snorted. “Don’t worry ‘bout it. Told ya I’d be a good ear. And Princey?”

“Yeah?”

“You don’t gotta do anything to impress someone else. You bein’ you is good enough. And if Rebecca could see you, I’m sure she’d be proud as hell. And don’t be ‘fraid to hit me up if you need someone other than your SOs to rant to; I’ll always be here for ya, Princey.”

“... Thank you, Virgil. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that until you said it.” He sighed, and Virgil could hear the sound of running water. “I’m gonna go drink some water. My throat burns like a bitch right now.”

“Same. Catch you later?”

He could hear Roman chuckle to himself. “I guess you shall. Farewell, Storm Cloud. And pleasant dreams!”

Virgil blushed. The way Roman said his nickname… it made Virgil’s gay heart nearly explode. He quickly hung up and buried his face back into his pillow. I’ll get water later. AFTER my heart stops racing.

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Now, for those of you wondering about why Virgil doesn't realize that Roman and Remus are brothers, I'm gonna put a quick explanation here, 'cause I don't know how to casually fit this into the story. 1.) Remus has never told Virgil his deadname or his last name. He's probably told Janus (since their pretty close) but Virgil doesn't know. 2.) Remus has never told Virgil that his brother's name is Roman. Additionally, when Virgil is talking about the 3 gays, he only calls them "Pat, Lo and Princey." 3.) Roman's parents didn't tell him that Remus transitioned, so he doesn't know that Rebecca now goes by Remus. Also, none of the characters have actually sent pictures of their faces, so none of them have any idea what the other looks like. 4.) It is a total coincidence that both twins moved to the same town. Remus believes that Roman still lives in their hometown, and Remus could be dead for all that Roman knows. There is no logical reason for them to think "maybe Virgil's friends with my long-lost sibling" 5.) Virgil would NEVER out his friends like that. He tells Janus and Remus everything, but he would NEVER betray Roman's trust like that. Same thing for telling Roman about Remus. Roman might know that Remus is trans, but he doesn't know about Remus' background. ONE LAST THING: Roman and Virgil will eventually see each other face-to-face but WON'T recognize each other's voices. This is because during the phone call Virgil is still groggy from waking up and Roman is still hoarse from screaming.

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Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @arodynamic-enby @sanderssides-angst

#useless gays #sanders sides fic #LAMP fic #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders

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tmitransitioning · 7 years ago

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I know that only I can know my gender and that everyone has a different experience, but are there any ways of knowing for sure if I'm trans? I feel like I need some concrete, scientifically proven (or really really well supported) method of knowing before I can accept myself. I've been questioning for roughly a year and I'm fairly sure I'm ftm, but I'm still so scared to take that label and try to live my life 'cause "what if it's really a phase?" hits me on the regular.

We don’t have a brain scan to tell you if you’re trans, but: Wanting to be a different gender is enough. If you want to be a man, congratulations! You are, and every step you take towards that is bringing yourself in alignment with what that means to you.

Cis people do not generally spend a lot of time questioning their gender. I say generally because sometimes, for example, cis women will go “ugh! I wish I wasn’t a woman, because I’m treated so badly as one”, but they don’t go “I wish I wasn’t a woman because being viewed as one is like being viewed as something I’m inherently not”. They don’t usually spend a lot of time stressing or worrying over their gender, and questioning whether or not they’re really trans. The fact that you’ve already come to this conclusion of “pretty sure” means that you are already some flavour of not cis.

But me giving you platitudes doesn’t necessarily help this kind of anxiety. So, instead, here’s a list of questions I asked myself when I was trying to figure out if I was really trans or if I was just going through a phase. For context, when I first realized I was trans, I identified as a demigirl, and this was during the first peak of reactionary “ugh these neogenders”, and the fact that knowing one’s identity is inherently an internal process scared the shit out of me, because I felt like I would always be second-guessing myself. And I felt like if I stopped identifying as trans in the future, I would be playing into the stereotypes about trans people, that we don’t really know ourselves. So, I asked myself:

When someone calls me a girl or a woman, how do I feel?

When someone calls me the gender label I’m questioning, how do I feel?

When someone calls me she/her, how do I feel?

When someone calls me they/them, how do I feel?

If I feel bad about being called she, or a girl, do I feel bad because I think they are viewing me with misogynist stereotypes, or because of another feeling I can’t label?

When I think about being “mistaken” for the gender I’m questioning, does the idea that someone might view me like that on first impression make me feel good or bad? Does it make me feel scared because I’m afraid of how people might react if they find out I’m “really” a girl?

If I hypothetically decide that I am the gender I’m questioning, and I look at previous times in my life where people have called me a girl/she/cute/feminine/etc., does my reaction at those times make sense with this new context?

When I see other trans people being out, how do I feel? Do I feel jealous? Do I feel afraid, and is that fear because I’m scared for them? Do I want to be part of their community? Do I want them to notice me?

When people comment on things about me or my body that they think are feminine, how do I feel? Do I feel repulsed? Does it make me upset? Does it make me just feel weird inside? Does that feeling change if it’s a stranger versus someone I know?

Usually, when we worry about something about our gender being a phase, it’s either a fear of conforming to stereotypes or a fear of being invalidated. Sometimes, if we have previous relationships where we’ve been routinely invalidated or put down, it’s also a fear of opening ourselves up to more of that. Those fears are rational. I hate describing fears as irrational, and in this case, you are worried about things that, for you, are real and salient threats.

But:

Stereotypes about the trans community, including that we’re going through “phases” or that we’re in some way delusional, are the product of transphobia, and not our fault. Just like how a butch lesbian fitting some stereotypes does not justify those stereotypes existing or being levelled as part of homophobia.

Even if we do turn out to have been going through a phase, that’s okay. If we are part of the incredibly small percentage of people who decide later on that we’re actually cis, that’s okay, and we know more about our experiences of gender as a result.

Other people invalidating us cannot touch our internal experiences.

Someone else exercising power to invalidate or hurt us because of our gender is because of their transphobia, and not because of anything we did.

You also don’t have to do this all at once. You can go as slow as you feel, and you can do trial runs. You can try calling yourself a boy or a man in your head for a day, or a week. If you have sympathetic friends, you can ask them to call you he for a day or a week, or use a different name. You don’t have to come out all at once, and you’re allowed to test things out before you feel sure enough to do those things long-term.

- Mod Wolf

#identity #questioning #mod wolf

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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Cemetery Boys: A Conversation with YA Author Aiden Thomas

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

Aiden Thomas’ upcoming YA debut, Cemetery Boys, is not only breaking new ground when it comes to explorations of trans identity and Latinx culture, it’s also a riveting, romantic read filled with paranormal wonder. The #OwnVoices novel follows Yadriel, a trans boy determined to prove his gender to his traditional Latinx family, who all happen to be brujx, with the ability to see spirits. When Yadriel’s cousin is murdered, Yadriel decides to solve the mystery of what happened as a way to convince his family to accept his identity as a brujo. But when, instead of summoning the ghost of his cousin, Yadriel accidentally summons the ghost of (very cute) school “bad boy” Julian, who refuses to leave, Yadriel’s mission becomes much more complicated… especially once he realizes he might not want Julian to go.

We had the chance to talk with Thomas to find out what it was like to build the world of Cemetery Boys and its characters, the novel’s ambitions as “empowering escapism for marginalized readers,” and what it’s like writing during 2020.

Note: This interview has been edited for length and clarity.

Den of Geek: This is a very broad, generic question, but do you remember where the idea for this story first started? Was it a character? Was it a scene? Was it a feeling? Can you think back to that moment of inspiration?

Aiden Thomas: I know the exact moment of inspiration for the book itself. On Tumblr I follow a lot of writing prompt blogs, and one of the blogs posted just a sentence prompt, and the prompt was, “What would you do if you summoned a ghost and you couldn’t get rid of it?” And you see people commenting and stuff and they’re like, “Oh, this super spooky, scary thing.” And I was like, “Okay, but what if he was cute?” And so that’s where the idea came from.

And then I was like, “OK, well, if we’re talking about death and magic, what does that mean to me?” And, as a Latinx person, death and magic is Día de Muertos, right? Day of the Dead. So from there I was like, “Okay, yeah. This could totally work.”

The real inspiration for how the magic system works and the rules and everything that’s laid out is intrinsically related to Día de Muertos. All of the magic stuff that happens in Cemetery Boys revolves around our actual beliefs about how the afterlife works and what Día de Muertos means and bringing our ancestors back. So it was kind of just taking all of this magic around Día de Muertos and just making it literal magic.

So you have this initial idea. (Thank you, Tumblr.) How long ago was that, and what did the process, the evolution of that idea look like? Was it fast? Was it slow?

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Technically Cemetery Boys was actually my option book. The first book that I wrote and sold is Lost in the Never Woods, which is coming out in 2021. So I got all the way through two copy edits for Lost in the Never Woods and then I started bugging my editor. I was like, “Option books, what do you think about that? When do we start talking about that?” And she was like, “Okay, Aiden. There’s no rush. If you want to kick me some ideas, go ahead.” And I was like, “Okay!” And so it was really funny because I believe I sent her five ideas. One of them was like, here’s a full outline, I have 50 pages written, and here’s a synopsis. And then as the ideas went they just kind of got smaller and less detailed. And Cemetery Boys was the last one. And it was, I think, a paragraph, maybe a paragraph and a half. And most of them ended in question marks, the sentences. Because I was like, “Well, maybe it could be this.” And the other thing is that I was really nervous about pitching a book with a trans character and that was entirely Latinx.

The whole book is an entirely Latinx cast. So I always find that kind of funny looking back on it that I was asking permission, to like, “Can I write this? Is this okay? Am I allowed to do this? Seriously, not a big deal. Just maybe.” And then so when she replied, she was like, “Yeah, that’s the one that we want!” And I was like, “Really! Okay.” And then so they needed it fast-drafted. So this is kind of a crazy story. Not last November, but the November before that is when I pitched the idea, and then we got the contract signed. And so it was January where I actually started writing it. It was sold on, what is it called? It was sold with just the synopsis and I think 25 pages or whatever. So I had to actually write the book. I had to write it in six weeks.

Wow.

Yeah. I wrote the rough draft in six weeks. And pretty quickly after my editor got that first draft she was like, “We think that this should be your debut instead.” And I was like, “Ugh, God!” I was like, “Okay.” Even though I went through all this work with the other book. So it was super fast tracked. And, gosh, when did I send it off to copy edits? Everything was done super quickly in like six months or something, which was a crazy turnaround time compared to Lost in the Never Woods, which I wrote during grad school, so it was like three years and then a year of doing edits with my editor. So it was super crazy. It was a very quick turnaround.

Well, you did it!

You mentioned when you were sending those initial pitches that you were already kind of not even totally allowing yourself permission to lead with this even. For a variety of reasons. And I’m curious, during the process of writing it, did you feel yourself having to push back against that? I don’t know, feeling like you have to reel it back in from the story you truly want to tell because you’re afraid it won’t ever make it to readers? Did that continue as you were writing?

Not so much in the terms of like, “How queer could I make this? How brown can I make this?” I kind of just went full into it as soon as they gave me permission. Then I was like, “Okay, well you already paid me, so here I go!” You know? I think where I got the most anxiety around it was I was really concerned about writing a depiction of whether it’s of someone who’s gay, of someone who’s trans, and/or someone who’s Latinx was that some kind of my internalized “isms” and phobias would come out onto the page and be harmful to young readers. That is what held me up the most and caused me a lot of anxiety. So that was really difficult, and when it came time to start going to copy edits, I emailed my editor and I was like, “I really feel like I need authenticity readers.” I was like, “I know that I’m literally every part of this character’s identity, but I’m really worried about me writing something that’s accidentally problematic. And they were super receptive, and I think I got three sensitivity readers for the main parts that I wanted to hit.

And they did catch a couple of things. Nothing major, but small things that you just don’t realize. And I think sometimes marginalized creators, they’re like, “Well, this is my truth, so I can write it. I don’t need anyone else to double check me,” or whatever. But for me, that was really important, because I was really, really worried about it.

I was going to ask you about authenticity readers. What was the process like for finding people?

The people I found were on Twitter. So, Twitter’s been a huge resource. I didn’t join Twitter until I sold my first book. And then all of a sudden I was like, “Oh, there’s an entire writing community here. Go figure.” So what I did was that I was basically scrolling through Twitter and people that I follow. I found one person, and I was like, “Great, that fills this one section.” But I still had these other two, so I actually put out a call on my Twitter, and I was like, “Hey, I’m looking for some authenticity readers in these sections, and this is the experience that I’m looking at.” Instead of just having random people being like, “Oh, well I’m brown, so I can read it.” And then I found people super quick, and I sent them to my editor, and then my editor reached out to them. So it was actually pretty easy, especially on Twitter. The community is so responsive and those LinkedIn type connections almost really, really helped find those authenticity readers. It was awesome.

Your characters and your community that you’re mostly featuring here are bilingual. But you’re also writing this book in part for people who don’t speak Spanish. I’m curious what it was like balancing that. And again, making sure it maybe is marketable to a certain extent versus staying true to the experience of these characters and for those readers who also live in a bilingual, in their community. Making sure they see some sort of authenticity on that as well.

Yeah, it’s almost about accessibility, is what we’re talking about. Having those experiences and those words even being accessible to people who speak Spanish and people who speak English and people who do both. And for me, I pretty unapologetically use a lot of Spanish in a way that I thought was realistic to when I was growing up and living around families and how the younger generations tend to use more English and then use more Spanish around their families. And so for me, it was more of a challenge in craft. What I did is that I very unapologetically used Spanish, but when I do that I am hopefully careful to give enough context clues so that even if you have no idea what those words mean, you understand the meaning and the thought behind it. So even if you don’t know explicitly what a sentence means, judging by the character’s reactions or internal monologue, that point gets across either way. So you can absolutely go ahead and Google it if you want to, but it’s also there. That was something very conscious I did going through the process being like, “Okay, I need to make sure that I’m writing this in a way that it’s accessible from all kinds of readers.”

I’m curious about the decision to set the book in east L.A. Was it always set there?

Yes, it was always in east L.A. I was born and raised in Oakland, California, so I spent pretty much my whole life in California. I moved up here three and a half years ago. And what I love so much about east L.A. is that it reminds me a lot of Oakland in terms of socioeconomic status and definitely in community. It’s super diverse, and east L.A. is kind of like a central hub that a lot of Latinx communities gravitate towards to. And it’s not necessarily just one Latinx community. And for me, it was really important that the brujx were this conglomeration of multiple different Latinx identities. I didn’t want it to be just one, because I wanted this whole myth and this magic to supersede the creation of countries. It’s very much just Mesoamerican.

So east L.A. is really the perfect place for that, and I wanted to touch base on things like kids who are living on the poverty line and kids who are living on the streets. And for me all of those things, it just screamed east L.A. and I love east L.A. is the other thing, is that it’s a very dear place to me in my heart. So I was like, “Yeah, let me write this little love letter to east L.A. and show others.” That city can be so stereotyped by people and I really wanted to break down some of those barriers and show how really beautiful it is. And the community there is just so incredible.

I’m curious if your experiences as an EMT informed this story at all.

Yeah, that’s really funny. Being an EMT in Oakland, it was a crash course in a lot of things. And a big part of it was what it means to serve your community and what your community looks like. Especially in times of dire stress. So, yeah that definitely informed it. I feel like anytime I tell EMT stories I just traumatize my family. So I’m trying to think, “Well, how can I?” But I had a lot of experiences as an EMT, when you show up on scene, especially when there’s kids involved, that you really see the bad things. Like the panic and stuff like that, but also the coming together of a community. I’m a pretty literal, logical person, but there’s some things that I saw that happened when I was an EMT when there was just like a miracle, but I know that those aren’t a thing. But it’s like, well some kind of magic happened there, because that’s crazy! One time I had a child who was going, basically, and the grandmother pushed through and put her hand on him and started praying and then he came back. And I was like, “What the heck is happening!”

So it’s like that kind of magic, you know what I mean? So stuff like that definitely inspired it. And I’ve always been very community focused. That’s why I liked being an EMT so much. And so again, it kind of comes back to that love of the community, which is what Cemetery Boys is for me.

Yeah, it’s nice to get these stories that, I don’t know, there’s so many “chosen one” stories in our mainstream culture. And that’s not normally how positive change seems to happen in the world.

Cemetery Boys features a Latinx, gay, trans boy protagonist. A first in the YA space. And I think a lot of people have already noted or assumed that this is going to be a story that for a lot of different people, they see parts of their identity reflected back for the first time maybe in a mainstream cultural space. And I’m curious if you can remember the first time you felt that in any way, one of your identities reflected back in a mainstream story for maybe the first time in either a big or small way.

Yeah. It’s funny because I get that question a lot. And when I first started answering, it was kind of like, “When was the first time you saw yourself represented in media?” And for a very long time I was like, “Ugh, I just got to come up with something.” Like, “I’ll just pull this one, I don’t know!” And then I was like, “Well, Aiden, you know what? That’s actually a valid thing to discuss.” So I have never seen myself reflected in media. My whole self, rather. And so when I wrote Cemetery Boys, I was like, “Yeah, let’s have it be all of me.” For me, I was like, “I’m writing this because I haven’t seen myself. So now I’m going to see myself.” And then other people can see themselves who are like me. I didn’t really think of it as, “Oh, this is going to be the first of that.” Until ARCs started going out, and then people were like, “Oh, the first one.” And I was like, “Oh no, I didn’t want that!” I was like, “Wait, no! It’s far too much stress. Too much pressure.” So that was challenging and terrifying.

But as far as parts of my identity goes, Anna-Marie McLemore, their books have absolutely spoken to me. I actually have a stack of them right next to me with all my other books. When the Moon Was Ours in particular, that one was the first time, was definitely the first time I’d ever seen a trans boy in a book, and that was really cool, and it was by a Latinx author, so that was the closest I’ve gotten to and it was life changing, of course. And that’s a pretty recent book. So it’s not like I was a teenager being like, “Oh, finally. Here I am.” I was like, “No, I’m a grown ass adult looking at this teenager in a book.” And I’m like, “Oh my God, finally!” It does feel important to have that answer, create that space for being like, “I haven’t seen myself fully.”

Did you always know this was a love story?

Oh, yeah. I guessed that as soon as I saw that prompt. And I was like, “But then what if you fell in love with the ghost and he was really cute?” So, yeah, it was definitely always a love story. That maybe even came before I figured out what the plot was. And Julian’s character has been a character that I’ve played with in short stories and stuff for 15 years. So that was very easy, coming up with the love interest. I was like, “I already know who he is.” I need to meet Yadriel, though.

Yeah, so that’s always interesting. Especially when it’s your main character. I feel like they’re the hardest to get into their heads and really understand who they are, because you’re not just thinking about what they’re projecting as in a love interest or secondary characters. You’re in their head. So it’s a lot more complicated.

Okay, well I want to talk about the book cover, because it’s amazing. Can you talk about the process of having it happen?

Yeah, totally. When it came time for figuring out the book covers, at that point, sorry I just did something weird. It was like shaking at me. For the cover, I think it was around where we started going to copy edits. They were like, “Oh, we’re going to kick you some artists.” And I was like, “Okay.” I was kind of stressed out about the cover, because I’ve heard so many horror stories from people being like, “Oh my God, it went so wrong. And I hate my cover.” And for Swoon Reads, typically the public gets to vote on the cover, so you really don’t have any say. But for Cemetery Boys, they decided that they weren’t going to do the cover voting, that they just wanted to create a cover and they were really cool about letting me be part of that process. And so the first thing that they did that surprised me was that they emailed me and they were like, “Hey Aiden, we’re moving towards working on the cover. Here’s some cover artists, can you tell us who you’d most like to work with?” And I was like, “Okay, cool.”

So even before I opened it, when I very first started drafting Cemetery Boys, I found Mars Lauderbaugh on Tumblr, and I followed them because I was obsessed with their fan art of Haikyuu and Voltron. And so I had actually commissioned them to do character art back when Cemetery Boys wasn’t even a thing. So I was emailing Mars, I was like, “Hello, I’m a writer, and can you draw my [original characters] for me?” And Mars was like, “Sure, yeah. Here you go.” And then it kind of progressed and I was like, “Hey, it’s getting turned into a book, could you do my character art for me?” And they were like, “Oh, yeah.” And then when I got this list of artists, the first thing that I noticed, which was so cool, was that Macmillan/Swoon had only picked artists who were artists of color and/or trans. And that was amazing and blew my mind. And then I saw that they had included Mars on the list because they had seen the character art, and so I was like, “Yes, yes! Please, Mars, Mars, Mars!” And then so they reached out to Mars, and Mars became my cover artist, and now all of my swag and stuff matches and it just blew my mind. There was three original versions of the cover, so I got to see what those looked like. And they picked my favorite one. Yeah, it was so cool.

And I was nerding out so bad. And being in publishing, I’m very much of the mind of as I’m entering this space, I’m trying to wedge open the door and sneak in as many other people as I can. So being able to take Mars, who is doing commissions for fan art, and being able to get them a book cover deal was really important to me. And that was definitely a highlight. I have the best cover ever. It could not be better.

So had they never done a book cover before?

No, they hadn’t.

Wow.

And they recently got an agent. It’s all very exciting.

Do you think there are other stories you’d like to tell in this world?

Definitely, yeah. When I come up with ideas and stuff, my brain just explodes and splinters out. So there’s definitely other stories that I would like to tell in this world. There’s a couple of side characters that I’m particularly attached to that I would like to explore more. I can’t say any spoilers, but I would definitely like to do a book focused on Julian even. Because, at the end of Cemetery Boys, he goes through some stuff, and it’d be really interesting to see what happens after that. So yeah, there’s always ideas. Definitely. For sure.

I think most of us are aware that a lot of things are hitting differently right now because the world’s different than it was six months ago. Do you think Cemetery Boys is going to hit differently in the world it’s coming into than the one that maybe you imagined it would be released into?

Yeah, that’s a really good question. Yeah, it’s been kind of strange. In terms of hitting different and what the market is being for, or even what readers would like, I think Cemetery Boys is definitely… It’s funny, because it deals with death and murder and stuff like that, but it’s also very lighthearted. And I would hope funny. So I’m hoping that even with all of this going on, I wrote Cemetery Boys to begin with to be a bit of empowering escapism for marginalized readers. Because even before all this, those readers have it so rough and deal with so much hate on a near constant basis. Now multiply, what, times 10, times 100. So what I am hoping is that now Cemetery Boys is even more important in terms of providing some escapism, some release. But also giving those marginalized readers a story where they see themselves as being incredibly powerful, supported, but very importantly, being loved. Even if isn’t necessarily by people who are supposed to be there for them all the time. So even if it’s not their family, found family is important, your friends are still important. So I really hope that Cemetery Boys will be able to provide some comfort, honestly. And I think now more than ever that’s especially important for young readers, for sure.

I’m curious how your writing is going right now during this strange and often upsetting time. Has that made you want to write more? Has it led to you writing less? Has it changed the kind of things you’re writing, or how you write?

Yeah, that’s a great question. I think when I’m on Tumblr, not Tumblr, oh now I’m just talking about Tumblr all the time! When I’m on Twitter I get a weird sense of guilt or like I’m not responding the way that everyone else is, because I feel like on Twitter a lot of authors like, “I can’t write anything. How could you possibly write anything right now?” And for me, I drafted a whole other book during quarantine, or finished drafting it anyways. And so I felt weird while I was doing that, because I was like, “Oh, am I not doing this correctly? Am I being an asshole or something?” Because I’m not being super impacted by everything that’s going on. That was kind of stressful, but I finished that draft and to preface, I work in tech. My company shut down, or switched to working from home in mid March, and we’re not opening up for several months as of yesterday. So I’ve been kind of sequestered. This is my entire apartment. I live in a studio. It’s 500 square feet.

Yeah, I’ve just been here. And once I finished drafting that book, I was like “Okay!” And then off it goes to my CPs. And it was like the next day where I realized that writing that book and having that focus had my energies. A lot of other stuff wasn’t getting through, because I was hyper focused. And then as soon as I sent it off and I didn’t have that project to work on, I had three days of just really bad anxiety. And I was like, “Why do I feel so terrible? Why do I feel like I’m stuck in my fight or flight response?” And then I realized, it’s because being so focused on that book was protecting me and distracting me. And then once that was gone, then I was being hit by all these feels that everyone else has been hit by. So that’s been wild. And then so I was like, “Okay, I can recognize that this is what’s happening.” So I started picking up other projects. So I was like, “Okay! Time to distract myself.” Yeah, totally. Right. So it’s definitely had an impact, but as far as impacting my writing, my writing has actually been helping me get through it.

And I’m a really intense outliner. For my project I just finished the rough draft of, the outline was over 100 pages. So having that really strict structure of being like, “This is what’s happening next.” It’s not turning my brain off, but it’s like I don’t have to get lost. I can follow this path, I can stay on track and be focused. So that’s actually helped me during all of this.

And what are you a fan of right now? Or what are you escaping into, if anything? Other than your work.

Animal Crossing has been a big one!

Popular one.

Yeah. Animal Crossing‘s been great. I’ve got a couple of ARCs that I need to read. So those are on the docket. Those are next to my bed right now. And I have been binging a lot of Netflix. I am on the third season of Hannibal and I just started it maybe a month ago and I’m obsessed.

So good.

So good!

Have you watched Killing Eve?

I have! Yeah, I’ve watched, I think maybe the first season. And I need to pick it back up. I just randomly fell off.

I’m also obsessed with Hill House on Netflix. I love it so much. But how my friend talked me into watching Hannibal is they were like, “It’s very similar to Hill House. They’re both really stunning and really creepy.” And I was like, “Oh, okay. Well, when you put it that way, I’ll try it.” And now I’m super obsessed with Hannibal.

Thank you so much for talking with me. This has been a lot of fun.

Yeah, this was super awesome!

I’m excited to finish the book. It’s already brought joy into my life, so thank you for writing it.

Oh, I’m so glad. Thank you!

Cemetery Boys will be out on September 1st, but is now available for pre-order (which are super important). You can find out more about the book here. And find out more about Aiden Thomas’ work here. If you’d like to hear more from Aiden Thomas’ about Cemetery Boys, I recommend this expansive, insightful interview with Adriana on YouTube channel Perpetual Pages.

The post Cemetery Boys: A Conversation with YA Author Aiden Thomas appeared first on Den of Geek.

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illjustblamemypasttrauma · 5 years ago

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Hi :)

Its been a while! Life has been fine. Feeling a little better overall, less depressed but also started a new assignment for therapy. I got into TWU for counseling! Kinda stressed cuz gotta figure out everything else now :/ BUT I feel good about having something to look forward to but also feel anxious about ... yikes. I’ve got lots of plans for this weekend (which I’m only mildly anxious about). Going out with my coworker and his friend tonight... gotta be social... but tomorrow I have therapy and then my friend is coming up from austin and we’re gonna go to 6 Flags! <3. Yeah kinda anxious about tonight just cuz like I’m not very social due to like me fearing social situations. Like it just plays to all my insecurities: fear of being weird/different, fear of doing something and looking stupid, fear of people not liking me, etc. I mean I’ve gone out before and tried to be social so it isn’t something completely new, I’m just stressed cuz last time I went out with my coworker we kinda hooked up? not really just basic shit aka me being horny and him being someone I feel comfortable with. I WONT GO INTO DETAILS because I’m kinda embarrassed? anyways I’m stressed also cuz like last time we went it was DEAD and he tried to make me talk to people and like I haven’t had to talk to new people in a long time like I just don’t do it ever. And I said something about that and my coworkers gave me shit about how I need to be more sociable cuz it only gets worse or whatever so I’m just not excited for that aspect of tonight. It’ll be fun tho, I’ll meet his friend, drink free alchy from him and get to chill after a long week.

FOR THERAPY:

How I feel about Crohn’s... I just am Annoyed about it. Like as if my upbringing wasn’t shitty enough I have to worry about taking a shit or being constipated all day everyday. I would worry about people noticing how long I was in the bathroom, worry if I missed something if I went during class (which was almost always), worry if people would hear me shitting in the bathroom (cuz they normally aren’t Good Shits). It was so frustrating just existing and knowing there’s something medically wrong with you and the doctor just doesn’t know what it is. Then they claim its something and give you meds and they don’t actually help. All this while I’m shy/introverted and keeping my mouth shut about my body because I fear it. I fear my mind and body cuz I’m gay and believe without a doubt that its a sin. I’m afraid to talk to people about anything cuz they’ll figure out I’m gay. Just like all the friends that I made growing up. The group of girls (outside church) who would be like “are you gay?” just because I liked to hang out with them (granted I was pretty effeminate). Like even to this day I am afraid to say certain things, have people judge me, based on who I am, what I like. I think the most potent feeling was frustration. I just was frustrated that I was suffering and no one could help and I didn’t know what to do. I was frustrated cuz it sucked and I wanted to just be normal.

I’m supposed to review stories from my high school years but to be honest I don’t remember a lot. I blocked most of it out (cuz I don’t wanna remember how shitty I felt during some of it.) I do remember I think my junior or senior year of high school we went on a church boys camp kinda thing to Galveston and I remember us stopping at a gas station, actually I remember suffering through like 30-an hour before hand where I would just focus on deep breathing exercises (before I even knew what they were) to help lower my anxiety which kinda helped my need to shit, but anyway we finally stop and I just go and EXPLODE in the toilet and I’m taking forever but like my stomach still hurts and I would always feel like theres more to come and like god I was so embarrassed when I got back in cuz like its obvious I was taking a giant shit. I had a similar experience on a different boys camp thing we were about to go rafting or something? and so we had one last stop before going out and like me and this other kid (who later came out as a trans woman, good for her) like took turns taking massive dumps in the stalls. And like I remember just Knowing what was going on with them and like I don’t think I was judgmental but just knowing and realizing that others would know too, and look at me differently too like just made it worse.

To be honest the worst for me was probably just like living my day to day life being anxious/stressed about my crohn’s and which would cause me to shit more which caused more anxiety (vicious cycle I wrote a paper on) while I was going to college. Like BYU was just a really hard time for me emotionally which lead to my physical health getting fucked. I remember I would like be late to quizzes, miss attendance, have to walk in late in front of the class or even walk out in front of everyone DURING class to go to the bathroom. Like my whole issue about being gay is what I focus on more but god my shit issues were Terrible and my doctor was in fucking Texas... Then I get home for a year and that doesn’t help either. I’m anxious about school still and now I’m driving over 30 to get there so like of course I almost shit myself, have to stop on the way there, and even miss class some days because of it. Finally when I went to UT it got somewhat better just because I had gotten into a routine of like knowing how to arrange my schedule so that I would have time to shit between classes or while at work or whatever. But still I was so anxious about everything... I was a dumb scared gay and didn’t know how to be social without it being forced on me. I wanna say I felt anxious, scared, but also a little ashamed. Like I should be better than this. That it was just something to overcome. That I shouldn’t let it define me. But like... I can’t stop it from existing. I can only lessen its effect on me and I can be more honest with myself and other people and deal with any shit people throw at me, even though most don’t care they’re probs more interested than anything.

While thinking about stories from my Crohn’s I thought about my one time I actually shit myself. I was getting back from downtown with friends (which DT is always hit or miss with me I think like its the anxiety as well as alcohol just gives me the shits sometimes, also friday nights are when I inject so like the very end of the dose to the new dose in the same day (I just tried to google and see how fast injecting works but cant find anything)) But anyway I was getting back with my friend who I met in lab and was visiting from the UK and we had a fun time dt, but then before we started waiting for the bus I could feel it coming on. Anyways the bus ends up taking forever to come and by that point I’m doing my like awkward dance breathing exercises trying to sit just right to alleviate the pain and like I’m so close to just shitting on that bus. BUT we make the 20 mins (at least) bus ride to west campus and we get off right in front of Whataburger and god I speed walked inside with my cheeks CLENCHED and that wasn’t enough. I felt the shit slide through my cheeks as I was like a step away from the door and after that it just wouldn’t stop so I ended up taking off my pants/underwear, and washing my underwear in the sink (luckily they were kinda tight so everything just stayed in the underwear) and like i remember having to smush the shit to smaller pieces in the sink (which probably wasn’t safe for disposal there) and I ended up washing them and putting the underwear back on and being like “hey so I just shit my pants and washed my underwear in the sink, can we leave?” and they were like “oh shit yeah, you good?” and I ended up staying at her subleased apartment and like shitting some more and she was like... you sure you good?? and ugh it was like awkward but like she still loved hanging out with me?? like I make people out to be so scary, and some people are, but like most people are so nice and understanding you just gotta be honest with them about your problems.

Anyway.. Its been a bit of my ranting and ugh TLDR: Crohns just really sucks and honestly I wish I didn’t have to deal with it, but since my gayness was happening at the same time I tended to focus on that issue so my crohn’s was put on the back burner and just never got dealt with.

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thedivinefish · 6 years ago

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divinefishingtips · 6 years ago

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365dailyaffirmations · 6 years ago

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TGIWednesday and allowing spirit to take financial control

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SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTER TAMPA

39 A DAVIS BLVD Tampa, FL http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

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advancedthetapractitioner · 6 years ago

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TGIWednesday and allowing spirit to take financial control

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"Love you, JM, and love today's Fish Food in particular. Your e-newsletters make my happy :)

Looking forward to purchasing the new audios next week!"

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Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell The Fish: 365 Daily Inspirations & Affirmations

Live In-Person Appearances

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH CENTER TAMPA

39 A DAVIS BLVD Tampa, FL http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

LIVE AT KODAWARI YOGA STUDIOS TAMPA

3965 Henderson Blvd Suite C Tampa (813) 773-4017 http://www.kodawariyoga.com/

My Liquid Fish® Mastery Certification

Level I is open for ANYONE TO JOIN at anytime!

LEARN MORE HERE

MyBeliefWorks Audio Series

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aquarianlights · 7 years ago

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I'm the anon who wrote to you about airport security. I just wanted to tell you that for body scanners I didn't mean metal detectors. Just check on google 'full body scanners'. I believe these are in airports all around the US. When you pass through the scanner you or the officer have to push a male or female icon button based on your sex. These scanners can found anomalies on one's body. If so, then they opt for a pat down. I want you to know how many trans people are humiliated by this.

OH WOW Okay so they’ve changed since I’ve flown. Apparently the things I used to go through were metal detectors of sorts or maybe just... straight up metal detectors. I haven’t flown in a while. In fact, I don’t remember when the last time I flew was. Every time I’ve gotten anywhere, it’s been via driving all these years. Jfc. The last time I had to go through an airport, it was via... I’m actually p sure it WAS a straight up metal detector. Because it was just... one little walk-through box that you didn’t even have to pause in. It would just beep if you had anything. Like. . .jfc. The things I’m seeing online are things that actually take maybe even full CT images of you?

I saw that you can opt out of using them, but ...I mean... if you opt out of using them, then they have to search you another way and what other way are they gonna do it than with a more invasive way than what everyone else is doing? Which. . .would be via the metal detector wand or a pat down? I mean, I guess. . .since they’re going to have security that strict anyways, they have to make everyone go through the same thing.

But I don’t know enough about them to really say anything other than that. I didn’t do enough looking other than to view images and see what the difference between a backscatter scanner and a full-body scanner was. I’m sure I can do more looking into that later because I’m sure it’ll cause issues for me later. . .especially after HRT causes changes in the look of my body and voice maybe years down the road (if I’m lucky) and I get my name changed as soon as I become a legal resident of this state and county. I probably won’t pass anytime soon, though. The dysphoria will still be extremely strong, don’t get me wrong. But I don’t have any anxiety issues like a lot of people do so I don’t have any issues with getting pulled out of lines for a pat-down or anything like that. And if I don’t physically see them pressing the button as to female or male, that wouldn’t bother me. Do you know if you see them do it? Coz I know in the short introductory video I watched (that honestly didn’t show much, so I’m just guessing, feel free to correct me if you want), the officer is not allowed to see who is in the scanner for privacy issues. So they’re like. . .in this booth behind the scanner. And then there’s an officer on the outside with you. Or some sort of set-up like that. There’s a lot of privacy issues going on with this thing, according to wikipedia (but we all know how “reliable” wikipedia is. It’s a good place to start collecting information, but not a good place for research). Even one regarding child pornography? Jesus fucking christ. Like what the FUCK.

But yeah, I can see how that would be an issue for a lot of us. I can see how it would affect me in the future, most definitely, when I begin to pass. I feel like people with anxiety have their dysphoria affected way more in social scenarios like that. With me. . .with zero anxiety at all. . .I’m perfectly comfortable in social settings and I even enjoy having the spotlight put on me like that. I enjoy the attention. I don’t like the touching, so that wouldn’t be pleasant, but it wouldn’t bother me. It would only be if I were to be brought off on some charge that I would have any sort of, er. . .negative effect because then that would threaten my. . .Idk, it would just make me have catastrophic thoughts in general, I guess? Whenever any sort of scenario like that happens where someone in power CAN gain the upper hand, my mind goes to catastrophic scenarios because there has always been someone else in the mix who already HAS the upper hand who WANTS THEM to have the upper hand on me (aka, my parents, past lovers, ex people-who-I-thought-were-”friends”-at-the-time, etc. . .). So I automatically forget that I’m either a) on my own or b) with someone/people who actually, genuinely care(s). So I just go into panic mode and usually what gets me in trouble isn’t even whatever they brought me in on. . .it’s what they caused by bringing me in. Aka, whatever they made me think by doing that. And the reaction to the catastrophic thoughts.

So I guess since I don’t really have anything to hide. . .there’s nothing that bothers me about this? And since I don’t have anxiety that ties into my dysphoria and I haven’t experienced any sort of consistent passing yet and my passing is not close to 50% yet,. . .it also doesn’t bother me? I also am assuming that when I DO start passing, it WILL start bothering me. And that when my gender gets changed legally and when things get all switched over legally. . .things WILL become a touchy subject with me and I WILL start being snippy with everyone except medical staff over correcting them when they use pronouns incorrectly.

I CAN see how this would really fuck up trans people who wear prosthetic stuff, though. Like a penis or a breast plate or any sort of padding. Like. . .to be FORCED to explain those things must be EXTREMELY uncomfortable for some people. Whereas I, myself, am very open about those things if I were to wear them. . .I know a lot of other people wouldn’t be. And it would probably even OUT some people without them thinking about it until it happened. Jfc. Especially people meeting up with their LD friends or something. “Oh btw guys I wear a fake penis/boobs/something. Ya all cool with that?” What if you didn’t WANT to come out just yet? What if you’re underage and with your PARENTS. Yikes. Yikes. YIKES. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. NO NO NO. I can’t even imagine. Like... ahhhh. All I wear is a binder. Like. I don’t and never will wear anything below the belt because all genitals freak me out and I wish I could get a certain surgery before HRT kicks up, but that deff won’t happen because money. So. I just have to be extremely uncomfortable and hate myself. Lol. But it’s okay. Ugh.

But wow. I didn’t even think about all of that until it just hit me right then as I was typing that all of the ways it could really fuck up a trans person’s day/week/year/LIFE. Fucking TRAUMATIZE a trans person. I mean, hell, I was traumatized when I was outted by my best friend (who is still my best friend) accidentally to someone close to me before I was ready and they fucking abandoned me over it while I was abroad once. Like. It was absolutely insane. I’m STILL not over that and I don’t think I ever WILL be. Imagine if it had happened because of a stupid fucking TSA scanner. Jfc. . . I can’t even. Imagine being outted while underage by a scanner to your parents and having to sit on an extremely long flight with your parents and then a long drive home or, worse, to a fucking vacation with family...... oh god.... I can’t even imagine.... And I can imagine that’s happened. Only to come home and be disowned. I can literally imagine that happening. If I had come out or been outted while underage, that’s something my parents would have done. I didn’t figure out I was trans until I was in my fucking 20′s. So. . . I mean. . .I somehow avoided that. But. . .I can imagine that happening to TODAY’S youth since they all have access to the web and all these resources and WOW. And that’s fucking terrifying.

I just...can’t even. There’s a lot of other catastrophic scenarios I can imagine, but if I write down more, I’ll give myself a panic attack and my valium script is out. Lol. Like I said, a lot of PTSD issues lately. I may not have any anxiety issues, but I do have panic disorder, which is a totally different thing. I may have the better of the two imo, but it still fucking sucks. Ahhhh.

I’m so sorry. I miss flying. I miss it a lot. But. . .I don’t miss all the TSA bullshit. Especially THAT part. And these scanners are bullshit. Wow.

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