#...did the gender somehow do this
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Cool new realization: bundling up in big heavy blankets with the lights on results in a) edging sleep paralysis, and b) half-dreams where you feel like you're suffocating but are unable to move to unobstruct your airways
#weirdly I've been getting sleep paralysis lately and instead of seeing monsters I just vividly experience suffocation#like I POV see myself roll over onto the mattress or have the sheets/pillow cover my face while paralyzed and feel the desperate gasping#but like none of it's real and irl I'm breathing fine?#I blame the new comforter that is way too big for this bed I think that despite it actually being lightweight the brain just sees “crushed!”#still it's actually fascinating how my sleep paralysis demon is just... the concept of smothering in your sleep while being too weak to move#why couldn't it just be the hat man why do I have to vividly feel myself struggle for air and rebreathe my own putrifying carbon dioxide#ALSO all my dreams are just dream-ey depictions of awkward uncomfortable family vacations where things go wrong and it's my fault so#chat my brain is figuring out how to ACTUALLY scare me I'm freaking out#...also my childhood fear of the dark is returning??? I've been sleeping alone in a pitch black basement for years but for some reason...???#like baby shit like thinking I'm being followed by a monster after turning the bathroom lights off wtf#chat am I cooked#...did the gender somehow do this
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bbg i’m sure you’re already aware, but i don’t think it’s okay to ship siblings especially TWINS
not having discourse with you guys until you read "Gothic incest: Gender, sexuality and transgression" by Jenny DiPlacidi (jstor) and come prepared to critically examine how the merging of erotic/familial love in gothic literature has historically been used to disrupt the gendered boundaries that define the genre....
we're being so scholarly about this one. match my freak.
#a#i love how the framing of this ask suggests that sibling incest is like. somehow uniquely worse when it's twins. anon explain#i could type up a big defense but just like. if i touch on “dead dove” topics trust that i am trying to be tactful & academic about it#i've always read pureblood culture as gothic from day 1 on here! and that means murder/incest/gendered violence is woven into the text!#+ there are ways to discuss and be interested in “dark” thematics while also being respectful. ppl do this every day in uni classrooms.#and its like fundamental to literary criticism i feel... don't be scared... take my hand.... we did necro evan & now we're doing this....#I KNOW I WAS BEING FLIPPANT EARLIER LMFAO BUT YOU HAVE TO TRUST...
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im ngl seeing will wood just made me acutely aware of how i feel in my body and unfortunately this seems to be a long term experience. respectfully, what the fuck
#mr wormwood what the FUCK did you do to me#i am so violently put off by my existence right now because its the first time in a while im giving it thought#unfortunately that thought is “i dont belong in this thing” but i guess im gonna work with it#ive realized im probably not cis (somehow will wood played into this discovery)#but there is really no way to achieve the physical existence i need so#we ball#will wood#will wood and the tapeworms#william woodiam#i just thought william woodiam was funny#fuck. hate gender#somehow will wood channels gender into his songs VERY WELL its driving me insane
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the ability to change fate... that's the power you were fighting to stop.
redraw of something i made at 14!!! wild how time passes
no effects vers and original under the cut
dated august 3, 2020. so i was actually 13 but I don't feel like correcting it. basically 14
the little caption i put is the one i made for this in ibis paint lmao
#my art#it's so funny that i've liked undertale for so long#i liked it even before i understood the plot#bc somehow i managed to watch ut comic dubs on yt#i only knew about frisk chara toriel sans and papyrus#because literally no one else showed up often enough for me to identify them#another bad thing about that was that frisk and chara would constantly be gendered#so that was confusing#but by the time i drew the original there i understood the actual game itself#hence the flowey quote#I DIDNT EVEN KNOW FLOWEY EXISTED#the FIRST character you meet in game#are you kidding me#i like the stupid gray guy i drew in place of the player#i should probably give this relevant tags now#undertale#undertale fan art#frisk#chara#player undertale#haha didn't know that was a tag#probably the original staging was more interesting but i didn't wanna draw them from behind lol#okay i'm done talking#actually no i'm not because i just noticed the player isn't looking at the fourth wall but both chara and frisk are (in the original)#did that mean something#did i mean something by that#i can't fathom/remember what i could've possibly meant but i like doing shit like that on purpose#so surely there was a reason
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ik aemon primarily raising mance exists SOLELY as my own headcanon but the idea of aemon saying kill the boy let the man be born to egg and then mance and then jon is making me cuckoo bananas in ways i did not think possible.
#do u guys ever. think about aemon dooming everyone with gender#aemoooonnnnnnnn.......... aemonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn#was reminded that kill the boy let the man be born did summerhall. Pacing up and down the halls#AND HE PROBABLY. ALSO TOLD THIS TO RHAEGAR. NO?#aemon is sweet sullen boy to me. Aemon what happened to make uou responsible for all of this. Hes so normal?#he didnt even Get Gendered similarly bc he got sent to the citadel he just seemed normal idk i need to study him like a bug#oh aemon :(#he got the ned special of Realizing things too late i guess#aemon the pivotal key to the targ cycle. need to figure him out#***obviously not that summerhall or rhaegar were actually for real his fault somehow they’re not i just think#it’s wild he was so pivotal to egg’s development and then jon’s#and also was known to converse a lot with rhaegar and was at the wall for mance’s childhood etc etc#and then he got to tell sam it was ok to be trans in the end. So at least theres that
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my concept and general existence of gender doesn't exist but i'll watch or see something that just roots me firmly in loving being a gay man
#this happened some years ago when i watched the first (and only :/) season of...what was it. The New Normal?#the one with Andrew Rannells#anyway idk what it was about that show or Andrew in it but it was one of those euphoric moments#and i can't really tell you why because it's not something i can easily explain#my gender existence when given attention is this esoteric metaphysical thing#i am never fully just one thing unless something sparks it and most of the time parts are dormant#i am any and everything#every expression that exists within this rigid binary that somehow only has two sides#how can God exist and gender be limited to the either or?#like being limited by Boolean operators#we reduce ourselves like the limits of machines#we are machines though aren't we?#wow holy shit these tags marathon dashed away from the goddamn post where the fuck am I LMAO#hi did you get this far? do you love me? i love you
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Winter concpets.....
(these first ones are At Least a year old 😭😭😭)
First up, a Winter Sharena concept!
And a little comic about it
The last panel would have been Sharena begging to "steal Alfonse's body warmth" while Alfonse subtly/sarcastically teases her about it, Moe trailing behind them (I lost steam/focus though 🥲)
This was The Year Of Bruno as well, and I was testing out/playing with the scenario presented (From the Tempest Trials and from what Winter Bruno says, it seems Alfonse and Sharena spent the holiday together while the Summoner was spending it with Bruno the Envoy)
(funny aspect of this is I don't even really enjoy "why does so and so call you babygirl" jokes anymore LMFAOOO like. Nothing wrong w em and was a decent set up here, but Moe would Not Fucking Say That skskksk) (also you can Tell this is Early On in Moe's development bc its fangs aren't even piercings 😔)
This year I Did revisit Winter Concepts, espp wanting to redo my Idea of a winter Moe who's helping out Bruno with Envoy Duty
All it needed was to become more of a furry and some loose BDSM gear inspo 👍 I was also thinking about a few different things! Like how Bruno's fit is literally just his regular outfit with some Santa suit on top LMFAO. But I was also thinking about how Moe is probably not meant to be recognized here? If it is hanging out with Bruno? Who is actively avoiding being seen by Alfonse and Sharena? So Moe keeps the shoes/tights, but little else!
Final version would have most closely resembled this one!
And another little comic
Once again I'm parsing how okay well how are they interacting with each other. What's the vibe here?
I wanted to draw a bigger piece of them hanging out, maybe spending the night together by the fire with hot cocoa after a hard day's work (again thinking about how it's implied the summoner spent the holiday separately from Alfonse/Sharena). I may revisit the concept again, I feel like there's a lot of potential story-focused comic wise here.... and a lot of set up for some funny conflict later.
#fire emblem#feh#to elaborate on the babygirl bit like. i think moe's complex relationship w gender and esp#discomfort w being misgendered would play into it avoiding that completely.#it's more likely to (affectionately intricate ritually i see you the way you see me you are me and i am you) call alfonse a faggot.#WITH. permission LMFAOOO#and boundaries. alfonse voice Not beyond closed doors#for me i guess it's the difference between emasculation being a punchline vs celebrating/embracing#complex/nuanced relationships to gender identity/presentation/performance. ect.#it is NOT that deep LMFAOOO it's just how i've come to feel!#anyways i think if i did write a story about spending a night w bruno i think the ONLY way to end it#is to have him gone by morning. i think he has Always done this.#and i think it's fascinating to consider him Still doing this ESP w someone who isn't of askr blood#it is just so deeply fucking ingrained in him.#and i imagine it almost being an odd comfort to alfonse. as well. (upon hearing about it)#moe is a bad liar but if it's Required to keep a secret it will try its absolute damnest to#esp to honor bruno's wishes. i think moe does manage to keep this under wraps for Surprisingly long#which i think sets up ANOTHER really fascinating scenario. where moe IS honest to a fault#but somehow managed to hide something Like That. the sense of shock and betrayal must be INSANE#i do really wanna revisit it someday#fe alfonse#sharena#fe bruno#moe tag#summoner oc#my art#my concepts
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Also in the replies of the Steph concept art on twitter announcing she was gonna be in a new project at DC (posted by Travis Mercer), there were at least 3 comments saying "will Tim be there?" I don't care how hard you ship timsteph I'm exploding you with my eyeballs if you do that on my girls post again
#ramblings of a lunatic#taking a step back to acknowledge that my stanning may be getting overzealous#but then again I'm not in ppls quotes or replies I'm vagueing on an entirely different website with no relevant tags. it could be worse#anyway I know tims had it rough these past couple of months ever since zdarsky shifted focus of the batman title to have less tim#but it still feels. idk. just a wee bit uninspired to act like steph can't go two steps without tim being behind her#im ngl i like timsteph when they're cute but timsteph twitter has been. pissing me off a tad lately#the refusal to acknowledge the sexism in dixons robin run and how it impacts stephs writing and their relationships writing#the refusal to acknowledge tims occasional condescension and hypocrisy when it comes to stephs vigilantism#seemingly only wanting her to be spoiler when he wants her around and telling her to give it up most of the time#also the constant disrespect of stephs batgirl era on there weirdly enough?#I've harped on about this on main and in drafts but despite it's flaws it's a good turn for stephs character#she's the focus she gets development (an upward trajectory! which had previously been unheard of for her! bc she did have flaws as spoiler-#-its just that both writers and characters alike seemed to arbitrarily decide she didn't have the capacity to grow past them! but she did!)#hell i saw a BIZARRE take today i just have to bitch about#which was them saying that Batgirl was a ''heteronormative mask'' steph put on#with spoiler being her more authentic self (and this being paralleled to gender expression with stephs isolation from the batfam as spoiler-#-showing how she ''wasnt like them'')#which. I'm not denying you the view that spoiler has a certain genderific swag to her but the needless dragging of her batgirl persona#steph got treated badly as spoiler bc she was A Girl. it's genuinely that simple dixon felt batman and robin would never stand for a girl-#-running around doing the things they did and would need to chivalrously stop her. he's gone on record saying this#she's constantly getting belittled by mostly men (cass also dismisses her but it feels distinctly less gendered)#and in the end it's barbara who learns to give steph a second chance despite her mistakes and they have a positive relationship#something ppl are quick to dismiss as being in and of itself sexist bc they're pairing the two girls off together#as if batgirl isn't a legacy and as if babs and steph don't have parallels in their resilience and refusal to accept when ppl tell them no#for better and for worse!!#like. idk how you took the strongest feminist element in that comic (bc there are elements of sexism here and there! 2009 n all)#and somehow turn it into ''heteronormativity'' YOU PPL ARE JUST SAYING WORDS AT THIS POINT!!!#anyway. someone take away my internet access
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oh lmao it just occurred to me that plausibly one of the reasons people who know us separately react with exaggerated shock at the Reveal that 🌸 and i are, like, committed life partners, is not only the general surprise factor of "two people i know extensively who do not ever cross paths live together and knew each other for years before they even moved to this city", which, reasonably surprising
but because due to our shared noncommittal approach to "coming out" or "publicly articulating a stance on a personal gender" absolutely everyone who meets 🌸 immediately interprets their whole deal as "one of the gayest men they've ever met"
whereas i kind of halfheartedly use they/them pronouns and present in a way that means everyone is definitely interpreting me as some unknown member of the set "reasonably butch lesbian", "unconvincingly closeted trans man", or, unfortunately, "theyfab everyone will round down to 'bisexual woman who actually just dates men' due to the way theyfabness is configured in left spaces" and i usually encourage the former on account of how at least then they correctly understand me to be gay and it's easy to pitch
so i think possibly some of the time i am actually watching very nice sensitive straight leftists try not to perform disrespectful mental chess to figure out whether this mean we've both just been straight married the whole time, or if they're discovering new unsettling horizons of homosexuality that they're not prepared to contemplate
#in fact we're not even straight married in a funny ironic t4t way we are in fact doing a third thing#unfortunately i think it's very very funny and delightful that everyone thinks 🌸 is gay#on account of how i specifically (and possibly uniquely for some amount of that time)#completely did not pick up on this aspect of their vibe when we met and instead diagnosed them as Gender#through the medium of prophetic sex dream#and then just didn't mention it to them for years because it was none of my business at the time.#i consider this somehow an achievement by me. unclear what personal virtue it represents but i definitely have it#box opener#i'll feel very embarrassed about this post and delete it later because i am ashamed of my extraordinarily cringe construals of all this#but. not always. while posting. sometimes only afterward‚ on a delay
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i know it’s a big part of mammon to be mysterious but i really would love to know their age. there’s a lot more i want to know, too, but they sure wouldn’t divulge anything.
#khr 0#gender obviously isn’t among these#mammon is cryptic gender#also xanxus’ age is wild#we do accept he is 24 since amano has pretty much made him that age and consistently says so#but we really are led to believe that someone can grow in cryostasis#that is somehow canon in this bizarre universe#(anything is possible in khr though)#i was already wondering about this as a kid#i can’t call bullshit on a thing like this though when we are in the same anime that has a 10 year bazooka#that a character uses for comic relief when they’re upset#amano decided that works in some bizarre fashion so it works#characters can become older and grow in ice & a character can somehow be convinced that they are playing a mafia game#even when shit blows up around them and people almost get killed#xanxus did legit grow physically there’s no doubt about that#but mentally??? by this manga’s logic….not even the most insane thing#there’s a baby that defies death. he’s immortal….#though idk how that’s special when characters can blow up through a GIGANTIC explosion and come out mildly bruised….#so the defying death baby doesn’t seem special despite the emphasis#i mean a character even survives having his heart ripped out#by having it replaced with an illusion
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Since the new Holesome vid gave us some concept art of these robot cookies, have a partying one. This is one of my fave concept sketches of the marzipan cookies lol.
#marzipan cookie#concept art#cookie run#cookie run kingdom#rare partying marzipan cookie#also like they're basically wearing a kilt/loincloth and a cloak#no wonder their arms are invisible#no top tho but they cookies#ain't got the anatomical details humans do so cookies can get away with having no shirt on regardless of gender lol#somehow also feels like a nod to how ancient egyptian fashion was like in the old and middle kingdom eras to an extent#i did read a little bit about it recently
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started playing tf2 again, drew my main
#to all the pyro fanartists out there how do you do it?#i had so much trouble with this guy(gender neutral)#might make an edit of the one with the bloody ax where you can put pride flag colors on it i think that'd be fun#speaking of which#tw: blood#anyways i thought my time with ultrakill and parrying would mean I am not laughably bad at rocket reflects anymore but i was wrong#i did somehow finally figure out how to rocket jump out of the blue though#so we got some victories#pyro tf2#tf2 art#tf2#my art#original content
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From one fellow aroace person to another, did you ever feel as though you were broken because you felt little to no romantic attraction, or did you feel like you were above average folk because “Haha these mere mortals cannot resist the temptations of attraction and my identity does not revolve around such trivial matters,” kinda way? I feel like aroace typically feel either of these two so I’m just curious.(I was mainly the latter lol and was lowkey always confused why people would be depressed about not finding a partner and revolving their identity around that)
I guess I was one of those that didn't really care except to go with the flow. I was an actively and proudly weird child (it was cringe, I won't lie--I'm...less like that now) so nobody's opinions on my normalcy was going to affect me. Once I realized I was aroace in my teens I definitely loved the memes about "love makes you human, therefore aro/aces are gods". I'm not gonna like. look down on other people for being silly when in love though. I don't understand what makes others do the things they do, but damn if I don't love me some drama
#at some point I thought i was a psychopath but i was also a big fan of insane characters so like. i was cool w/ that??#obviously im not self diagnosing myself as a psychopath nowadays#i thought i was bi at first as many aro/aces do and thought if i got a partner theyd hopefully be the opposite gender#to make things easy to explain to my parents (b/c catholicism and all) so basically anything romance related#i did with a kinda distanced 'well ig this is what most people do' and 'whatever is the least bothersome' attitude#funnily enough i think my parents wouldnt care if i was gay but they canNOT get that i dont wanna date#i actually tried to come out to my mom once and somehow we ended up talking about if SHE was ace?? so im still not out lol#asexual#aromantic
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Concept design for Nova Hawkins in an alternate universe on my friends, @dani-luminae , fic, Stars On Earth, that we talk about at times.
The youngest child of Sarah Hawkins and younger half-sister of Jim Hawkins, Nova was born some time after her older brother mysteriously disappeared and despite having never met him, Nova already has a good idea of what her brother was like...since in all the stories she's heard about him from her mother, Nova's always found herself being compared to him, for both better and worse. Because despite her mother's attempts to keep Nova on the right path, Nova would ultimately end up on the same one her brother had been at her age: trouble, with Nova ultimately getting a list of arrests going for all the trouble she was getting into, the last one being for going into restricted areas with a home-made solar surfer. Panicked about losing Nova completely to the same thing she ultimately lost Jim too, Sarah would ground Nova until further notice, but this wouldn't stop Nova from sneaking out and by pure accident, coming across a fight between pirates from the Pleiadean Fleet, the very same fleet her brother once commanded. And despite the fact that she didn't mean to get involved in the fight...well, what else was she supposed to do when one side recognized her as definitely a Hawkins, an enemy of some of the fleet now somehow, and went after her? Though thankfully, she would end up being saved by the other side of the pirate fight led by a pirate with a cyborg arm named Silver and a lioness named Kate, both former members of Jim's crew as the chief and second in command respectfully. And after the attacking side fled and Nova was fully introduced to Silver and Kate and their crew, Nova would ultimately learn what happened to her brother at least...but much to her disappointment, they don't know where he ended up still, something they still trying to rectify, which catches Nova's interest and causes her to ultimately want to go with them so she can find this brother of hers already. And despite her mother's initial objections at first, words from Silver, the very same man that had gotten her brother off the same destructive path Nova is currently on, convinces her mother to let Nova go with the pirates and Nova is able to finally travel the stars in search of her brother.
#stars on earth alternate universe#nova hawkins#faceclaim: jenna ortega#concept look#(yeah we somehow fitted nova into this au lol#she just the baby of a pirate crew in this au lol#in both age but also just because the crew are fearful of losing another hawkins#and therefore do their best to keep her safe while also keeping her off that path jim had been on#as they pirates but they not as bad as she had been going in terms of arrests and such#as silver basically her dad at times while kate the cool aunt#and yes just know they all did a double take when seeing her first time as shes jims double essentially in everything but gender#let alone jim gonna have a heart attack when he sees her as wait he has a sister????#or at least lia and reese will as they have an aunt???#also unrelated but her fc image looking ready to murder lol#anyone wonder who shes planning to kill lmao#also probably the one time i think one of these novas is completely similiar to chasing stardust her lol#must be the missing brother angle)
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oh my god u know the hrt is working when u get genuinely white girl drunk
#ive never been this drunk before this is crazy. the gender euphoria of not having any tolerance despite being able to drink 4 drinks a year#ago#like its that or someone Did something to this drink but it was from a housemate's stash. oh my god i wanted more of this im so glad im in#bed rn i could have made so many bad decisions#im like this close to posting one of the thirst(?) pics i took on my sideblog that i havent touched in a month#oh my god im fucking up so many words . gang im not pretending here i drank like 2 shots tops and its Fucking me somehow#WAIT I CAN EDIT TAGS#typos fixed :sunglasses:#genuinely crazy how much im feeling it tho ive literally Never felt it this much. id ask if ibuprofen or spiro interact w alcohol but i#think there was a decent amount of time between when i took both#yeah like i took spiro ~10:57 and then uh drank after. 11 hm ok this isnt as spaced out as i expected#i dont think im going to alcohol jail tho. im being responsible im In Bed im not gonna go do anything stupid (altho i do. want to ask#someone downstairs to do something stupid. but maybe thats the alcohol talking)#also shileas is downstairs and shes a bitch and i dont want to be cringy in front of her#i dont know if shes trans or just a really masc lesbian btw . shes cool but she also has some bad takes sometimes and i dont think she#likes me#im writng so many tags <3 but thats what love is. if anyones read this far idk like the post or something#you know the one post where the person puts an egg in their mouth. and then people share the tags. this is that#i was gonna be typing this out on a discord server but i thought no. this deserves to have everyone see it#man also if i went down and asked like if anyone wants to fuck like who would say yes . shileas is a super senior maeve is in a relationshi#p#i dont like riley and . man idk about griffin. but i think im a lesbian. maybe im just desperate.#bUT IM NOT GONNA. im not gonna.#i dont want to sleep tho i want to have fun :(( but my roommate is asleep#& its not like anyones gonna fuck me on this bed . with like my lovies (thats what i call my stuffed animals) and shit .#i genuinely didnt expect that i could get this drunk and whats crazy is i know i could be more drunk#can u imagine if someone reads this and goes 'well shes clearly sober and faking it' no </3 im simply very eloquent i was neglected as#a child so i read alot lol#whoops *a lot not alot#wasnt there a limit of like 26 tags. when do i hit that
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thinking about. womanhood again
#been thinking about how much of the way i have let some kind of womanhood in as a fragment of my identity is infleunced by me thinking that#'well people are going to gender me as a woman anyway so might as well accept it'#and i think that's a part of it (not a thought i overall enjoy. feels somehow defeatist or like i'm giving in or whatever.)#(which i dont think it is but it's a kneejerk reaction)#i do also think that the way i have been actively trying to unpack some of my internalized misogyny has a part in it#i'm not proud to say that i did grow up as a girl who thought womanhood (as it was presented to me at the time)#sounds stupid and way too much effort and unrelatable#but now that my view of the different ways to experience and relate to womanhood have broadened#i can say that i do feel some connection to it. even if i dont usually really claim it as wholly mine#and that acceptance has made it easier to be perceived as a woman in my day to day life#i'm not saying it never stings but. isk it's a bit different#i have said it before but the main thing that bothers me is being seen always and only as a woman.#like i can be a little bit of a woman and Kind Of Like a woman or a close approximate of a woman#but if Woman is all people see my gender as that stingsss#just like being seen solely as a man stings too#(this doesnt happen often so usually it feels more like a fun gender sprinkled in.#or like. it affirms my gender by telling me that i can confuse people)#like. i'm not really a woman i'm not really a man but those are the two options currently recognized by most of society#so a mix of both feels like the best case scenario for me personally genderwise#because gender neutral terms dont always just. hit the same for me as mixing gendered ones does. this varies greatly though#but also i would like to. hm. how to say this. not make that into a rule for myself? i dont want to overthink it#(<- says a guy who has never not overthought anything)#like i have been finding a lot of joy in dressing a bit more masculine in the last year which is wonderful#but sometimes i find myself stressing that if i look 'too masc' people are going to misread my identity more often#because i have a masc leaning chosen name and all#but i try to remind myself that. bitch people are going to misread and misunderstand your gender no matter what you do. relax#but idk. anyway abolish gender so i can start stressing over something else#nowe talks#gender
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