"Are you happier? Now that the war is over?"
It had been meant as a serious question, but from the look on Kira's face, she hadn't caught onto that. "What sort of question is that, 'am I happier'?" she asked, laughing a little as she spoke. "Of course I am! Who isn't?"
Shrugging, Julian forced himself to smile back at her. "No, of course," he agreed. "Silly question."
His smile clearly hadn't been convincing: Kira's own smile had faded as she looked at him more closely, her eyebrows creasing into a frown.
"Have I done something to make you think I'm not?" she asked sharply. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"No-- no, nothing like that," Julian said hurriedly. "I mean, obviously Odo's gone now, and Keiko and the Chief, and Worf, and... and the Captain... But that-- That's different, isn't it, I guess. You can be sad and happy at the same time, right?"
He cringed, knowing that he hadn't quite managed to make sense there: years of practice had made him very good at recognising Kira's 'baffled' expression.
"All these years," said Kira, slowly shaking here head, "and I still don't understand you, sometimes. Of course I miss Odo, and the others -- and while we're at it, of course I'm still angry and-- and upset about the things that happened during the war..." She made a face, banging her fist lightly against the table. "Damn you, you know I'm no good with feelings, that's... there's a lot more there, besides," she added. "And I'm sure as hell not going into that right now...
"But if you're asking whether I'd rather be here, now, living without the threat of the Dominion or the Cardassians, knowing my friends are alive and safe -- and if they're not, at least being able to mourn them in peace, not having to make decisions that could get us all killed if it goes even slightly wrong... or if I'd rather be back there, in the war -- well. It's no contest, is it?"
"In theory, no, of course--"
"In theory?" Kira asked incredulously. "Julian, are you saying you were happier in the war?"
"No!" he exclaimed: that hadn't been what he'd meant at all. "The war was-- it was... Well, you couldn't be happy during the war, could you? Everything was too awful, it was impossible."
"A lot of the time, yeah," Kira said softly. "And that's gonna stick with us for a long time -- but they're only memories, now. We made it."
"We did," Julian said quietly, his eyes fixed on the table. "I just... I thought I'd be happier, I guess. Now that it's all over."
Kira reached forward, brushing her hand over his. "That's what this is all about?" she asked. "You aren't happy?"
"I never said I'm not," Julian objected hotly, looking back up at her -- but a sigh slipped out of him as he realised he didn't actually have an argument, and he shook his head, slumping back into his chair. Kira watched him, not saying anything.
"No, you're right," he admitted, pulling his arms across himself, almost too tight. "I know I'm supposed to be-- I know, after everything, it's so stupid... But, Nerys, I don't-- I don't think I am?"
Stopping to swallow the lump that had risen in his throat, he noticed he eyes had grown wet, which for some reason made him chuckle. "Isn't that silly?" he asked, leaning forward again. "We won the war, but I'm still not happy."
"No, Julian," Kira replied slowly. "I don't think that's silly at all. It's just... It's just very, very sad." She took a breath, reaching out to hold both his hands this time. "I'm sorry," she continued. "I didn't know."
"It's not your fault," he said, squeezing her hands tightly. "For a while, I just thought everyone else was pretending, too, so I just went along with it... And then I started to realise that no, you were all actually at least a little bit okay, and so I had to keep pretending, because happiness is so fragile and I didn't, you know, want to make anyone else feel bad just because I..."
He trailed off, shrugging a little. "I don't know, Nerys. I guess I just wanted to check that it wasn't just me, but it is just me, and now I've told you, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad--"
"Julian, no," Kira interrupted. "Thank you for sharing this with me -- I'm glad you told me, okay?"
Ears growing hot, Julian ducked his head, not quite sure to do with the wave of emotion spilling over him. Now that he'd told her some of it, he kind of wanted to let everything out. Distractedly, he started tracing patterns on her hands, pushing into them with increasing intensity.
"It's just-- I'm just..." He stumbled over his words, struggling to give voice to the one thought that he'd been trying to ignore for months. "What if this is it for me? What if I'm like this forever? It's been years, Nerys--"
To his horror, his voice cracked, and he covered his mouth, trying to hold back the sobs that were threatening to burst out. Hoping that no-one else had noticed, he looked around the replimat; thankfully the other diners seemed more interested in their own conversations than in him and Kira.
"Would you like to go somewhere less public?" Kira asked. Not quite trusting himself to speak, he nodded, and together they left the replimat.
As they walked down the promenade and up to the habitat ring, Kira steered clear of their previous conversation, chatting about the station, her week, her latest grievance with Quark, and Julian was grateful for the respite. But as soon as they were sat down in her quarters, she turned to him with a most serious expression.
"It isn't right, you feeling like that, you know," she said. "I don't have the answers, I don't know how it gets better -- but we both know someone who would. You haven't tried telling Ezri any of this, have you?"
Julian's stomach tightened: Ezri was the last person he wanted to have this particular conversation with. "Oh, yes, because that would go so well," he retorted sarcastically. "Hi Ezri, I love you, but you don't make me happy. Don't worry, it's not you, I'm just unhappy most of the time. Most of the time? Yeah, it gets better when I'm around you, because then I just kind of feel... nothing. What an improvement!"
"Julian..." whispered Kira, but it was all coming out now and Julian couldn't make it stop. He rose from the sofa, starting to pace as he spoke.
"Did you ever make me happy? Maybe, sweetheart, but I'm not even certain of that. I might have been so desperate for anything even resembling happiness that I just deluded myself into thinking I was in love... Do I even love you? Who the fuck knows, Ezri. Is love even real, or did it die in the war along with every-fucking-thing else?"
His voice had risen louder than he'd intended, condemning him with every word it pushed forcefully into the air. He'd made Kira cry, he thought, but he couldn't quite be sure, his vision being clouded by his own mess of tears.
"How could I possibly tell her that?" he asked, sitting back down heavily, his voice dropping to a hollow whisper. "Kira, how the hell do I tell her that?"
"Come here," she said in way of a response, pulling him against her and holding him tightly, so that he could feel her lips move against his hair as she answered him. "I don't know," she was saying, "but you have to, Julian. I can be there with you if you want but, Prophets, Julian, you have to. How could you not?"
How could he not?
Julian closed his eyes and let himself fall apart against his friend, not even bothering to try to answer her. It was terrifying, after all this time, to finally allow someone to see how broken he really was, but he was far, far too tired to keep it in any longer.
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Here's a little snippet from a tattoo shop/bakery au that i got kinda stuck on and i dont know if ill ever finish.
some context: Chrissy and Eddie are best friends that live in different states, Eds is taking two weeks off work for Chris' visit, he won't be at his tattoo shop which means he won't see the cute baker from next door
Chrissy's in the middle of answering and he's stretching his arms above his head when they hear the front door opening and the little bell above it chiming.
Eddie left the sign up front switched to "CLOSED", which can only mean-
"Eds?" Steve calls into the studio
Eddie immediately gets up from his seat and goes to meet him at the lobby, missing Chrissy's surprised look.
"Hiya, Stevie." he greets, bumping his knuckles against the front counter where Steve is standing just to the side of it.
He's secretly been hoping Steve would stop by just so he could see him. Just so he could hear his voice one last time before he has to go on for days without it.
Steve looks good too, in a plain white shirt, his blue apron and the absolute best pair of lightwash jeans in the whole entire world (if you're asking Eddie).
"I thought I saw you come in" Steve says, "You've been here for hours and you didn't come by to get breakfast, so i brought you this" he lifts the tray in his hands.
There's a mug with coffee, several sugar packets and two chocolate croissants.
"Aw, Steve, you didn't have to" Eddie says, genuinely touched. His heart flutters even though this is typical of Steve. He's just the sweetest.
"Oh, stop it," Steve protests, sounding bashful "these are from yesterday, I can't sell them" he says, placing the tray on the counter. A blush colors his cheeks and Eddie smiles, he looks so pretty.
Eddie knows by now how a pastry looks when it's fresh. He can't be fooled anymore.
It's been so long of them doing this dance though, and Eddie knows if he mentions it Steve will just get embarrassed, so he keeps his mouth shut about it.
"Well, they look really good." Eddie says instead "Thank you, sweetheart" he adds softly, his eyes drawn to the pink blooming on Steve's cheeks and focusing on the flour smeared across Steve's nose. He wants to kiss it and get flour all over his lips.
Eddie leans towards the tray and breaks away a piece of croissant, taking a bite.
Yep. Either Steve made these this morning or he's got magic abilities.
" 'M sure gonna miss these" Eddie says around his mouthful, gesturing with the bit of pastry still in his hand.
"Ugh, don't remind me," Steve groans "the shop already feels dull today"
Eddie laughs softly "You flatterer" he accuses
"Just trying to get you to visit" Steve defends, leaning against the counter and into Eddie's personal space to tap the rim of Eddie's reading glasses.
"Like I could stay away from your shop" Eddie says, tries his best not to sound breathless. He thinks he fails, and he must be blushing too, judging by how Steve's eyes are roaming his face.
"Good. Cause we need the business this month" Steve jokes.
That makes Eddie snort and laugh, Steve's shop is filled to the brim with costumers at least twice a day, five days a week.
Steve smiles at him again and then he peers around Eddie.
"Oh, hi!" Steve greets, straightens up and waves a little.
Eddie turns to see Chrissy leaning against the lobby partition, observing with her arms crossed.
Fuck.
"Chriiisssyyyy!" Eddie draws, and she narrows her eyes suspiciously "C'mere!" Eddie soldiers on,
Chrissy eyes him warily but walks to the counter and smiles sweetly at Steve, "Hi!" she greets "I'm Chrissy."
Steve's eyes widen "Of course! Eddie was picking you up today! I'm Steve, it's nice meeting you!"
He's such an angel, Eddie wants to cry.
"Likewise, Steve. I'm so sorry, I don't think Eddie's mentioned you yet" Chris says, but directs it to Eddie, glaring at him.
Eddie's about to answer, offended, but gets stuck on Steve's crestfallen expression for a split second and then Steve beats him to it.
"Oh, it's okay" Steve says, his smile reappearing, "I own the bakery next door" he supplies.
"He brought croissants!" Eddie tries to redirect "The best croissants in the state I'd say" he offers, succeeding in lightening Steve's mood again, judging by the twinkle in his eye.
Satisfied, Eddie asks Chris "D'you want one?"
Chrissy looks at him weird but mutters "sure" and grabs the one still whole.
"Well!" Steve exclaims, softly clapping his hands against his sides,
"I was just dropping these by, I won't take up any more of your time." Steve says "Chrissy it was really nice meeting you, I hope you have a great time in our town."
He turns to Eddie then and reaches out to squeeze his arm "And Eds, I hope you get lots of rest during your break. And visit us." he adds, moving his hand up to softly pull on a stray bit of hair that fell off Eddie's bun "The place won't be the same without you"
Eddie deflects so he doesn't melt under his gaze.
"I'm not dying, Stevie." he says, grabbing him by the shoulders and bodily turning him around as Steve softly laughs.
Judging by how his own cheeks are burning, Eddie's sure that he's the exact shade of a ripe tomato.
"I'll be back before you know it." Eddie adds, and with that, he gets Steve out the door.
Steve turns to say "You better" to Eddie. And once again, he peers around him to wave his fingers at Chrissy "Bye!" he says.
Sweetheart.
Eddie forces himself to not watch him walk the few steps between their shops.
When he turns back to his best friend he's relieved to see she's not glaring at him anymore.
She's got chocolate in the corner of her mouth and she's nodding.
"These are really good" Chrissy says, lulling Eddie into a false sense of safety.
He walks towards her to pick up and continue eating his own croissant, but as soon as he's within reach, Chris smacks the back of her hand against his bicep.
"OW!" Eddie protests, leaning against the counter and rubbing his arm.
She's been an athlete ever since they were in middle school together and she's never pulled her punches with him, it's a big part of why he loves her so much.
"You never told me you had a boyfriend!" she accuses, her mouth still full.
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Some notes on Wilson's marriages/divorces, and how he met House:
• House didn't just meet a freshly divorced Wilson. He met barely married Wilson, who just got notified about his #1 divorce by a lawyer, not his wife
• Wilson walked around with papers on hand, long enough to give House a chance to sneak a peek. The same day he received the news. (there's a chance it was some sort of middle step in the divorce procedure, but "just served", checkmate your honor)
• House 100% knew that when he bailed him out. No, I don't have any concrete evidence besides "it's fucking House"
• House had Wilson observed the entire time to know he didn't open the papers. The divorce lawyer prob gave him an idea of what it is, and he was just marinating in the suffering juice
• House had to be nosy and stealthy when he checked the package Wilson clung to, he saw what's written on it
• They didn't actually talk at the conference itself, so House did it silently too
• There was a law firm address on the papers, and you couldn't just google shit then. House's had to remember it to investigate it further, or he already knew of the firm (or it said "BLAH LAW FIRM BLAH HERE'S YOUR DIVORCE PAPERS, LOSER", which is possible)
• Wilson likely opened them in a hotel room (or he looked at the package sadly/angrily there too), needed a drink, and House was at the bar
• House was watching Wilson at that conference, then at the bar, then meltdown over the song, then the whole fight and the mess, then the detention, and was like yeah I'll bail that
• "First words you ever said to me." This is when they first talked, Wilson was in jail and the one in need
• Ok alright, hear me out, if House didn't know what the papers were at the time of bailing. There are 2 paths for him to find out
• Wilson STILL had them on hand in jail
• Or Housey saw them at Wilson's hotel room. Yeah
• It's been over the decade since they've met and they both vividly remember the details of that drunk night (I get why for storytelling purposes. Still... Much to think about)
• That conference is either the last one, or one of the lasts, House attended. And that one was already boring to House without Wilson. 15 years prior to s06e06 "Known Unknowns", can't do the timeline magic I just eyeball it
• House also introduced Wilson to Cuddy pretty soon, since she was a witness to the levels of despair he was apparently in
• House might've pestered Cuddy to hire him, or she chose to do so herself (whenever she was dean). Maybe House chased away some poor oncologist to make an opening. Even if House isn't as obsessed with Wilson at the start of season 1, he's always plotting
• There's the brother thing too. Wilson still fresh out of med school, still divorcing, still guilty af and looking for the brother in Princeton, so he was happy to work there
• Prior to that, Wilson was working 2 jobs to support himself and Sam and was ready to follow her to Baltimore
• The divorce and meeting House happened in 1991, the same year USSR completely fell apart. Just thought I'll throw that in #educational
• Wilson was married, non-fraudulently, for 12 years total
• Marriage #1 has only lasted 1 year
• That means every marriage House was present for has lasted longer #math
• Wilson found a way to get fulfilled while in the marriage
• Now he's got a needy bitch with infinite problems and who will slurp any poison he has to siphon
• I'd argue House is what made Wilson bearable at home
• At the same time, House is what kept Wilson away from home, ultimately contributing to the divorce
• Wilson himself describes his marriages as crappy - he doesn't really need help destroying them. House still helps~✨
• Timeline gets wonky, but there couldn't have been much of a downtime between marriages, a couple of years max
• "Fell in love at the wedding" - whatever the fuck that means for Wilson
• Either Wilson met Sam through that wedding, and she also aimed to work in medicine - how they've connected. Or they went there as a couple, both being med students? Got high on emotions and jumped into marriage
• Wilson speedruns relationships once he's in them, so it could've gone "hey that was a nice wedding, how about we have our own?"
• He fucking sucks at proposals, his looks and general air of niceness carried him all 3 times, I will not be hearing any objections on the matter
• When Wilson talks to Cameron about cheating. He says, "I have (cheated). I always told them"
• "Them"
• It's could've been every marriage (#1, #2 and #3). If boy managed to sneak in cheating in his 1-year lightning marriage #1, while he was studying + 2 jobs (now I don't doubt his time management skills, but it's still a hassle. On the other hand, all that stress couldn't have been helping)
• Or it could be #1 and #2, or #1 and #3. But #3 is pretty much a certainty (he flirts with nurses on screen, House is also there), and it's "them", so why would he randomly stop in the middle? Don't think so
• What's most likely is - #2 and #3. When arguing with Sam (#1) again she didn't mention or allude to the cheating, her problem was that Wilson didn't communicate ANY emotions to her, she even admitted to House she made the most mistakes in that marriage, let's say there's some truth in that
• Wilson either didn't tell Sam about cheating, she didn't have a problem with it, or he lied to Cameron
• OR he didn't cheat on Sam
• He started to cheat after the first divorce AND his marriages started to last longer, which is funnier too
• He could've started cheating prior to House entering the picture, but much more likely - after. Divorce and/or House are the cause
• Speaking of. Meeting House is very tightly linked to the #1 divorce. Every time Wilson would think back on it, he would have to think about all the turmoil and getting bailed by House. And vice versa - every time he'd think back on meeting House...
• "I met someone who made me feel funny. And I didn't want to let that feeling go." Another Cameron talk. Ur honor, there's something on that wall
• btw, he is STILL married while meeting House, so if you hilson 1st-night-fuck truther, that meeting is his cheater origin story in a more practical sense. He then could've really meant all the marriages, but then he lied about telling Sam/Cameron, he might not count it since he's divorcing to tell Sam
• Ultimately, he's a huge liar, and I'm wasting my time. What I'm saying - nothing is really off the table with this guy in terms of hcs
• Aftermaths of #2 and #3 aren't really talked about like #1. It must've been really nuclear
• House says neither of them recovered from (#1) divorce to Wilson's face, Wilson doesn't contest that in any way. Even tho House didn't know Wilson before the divorce he usually right on the money with these things
• After the divorce #2 Wilson got 3 legged cat
• After failing to secure marriage #4 (#1 part 2) he got a diabetic cat
• Just like the thing he has with missing phone calls, after every divorce, consciously or not, he might expect a savior to bail him out
• After and during #3 he crashed at House's, then surfed hotels, then moved in with a dying patient, then Amber's, then House moved in with him (still Amber's)
• Maybe his wives kept taking properties in the divorce, and he just stopped getting them
• Man frankly didn't have a home for a while (HOMELESS BUT NOT HOUSELESS)
• Then Wilson finally commits and gets the place for himself and House, from Bonnie (#2)
• Wilson adamantly remains on good terms with his ex-wives (but not random exes. One helps House with a prank, House kept tabs bc of course)
• But Wilson thinks they hate him. Did he ever pay attention to them?
• While spending all the time with House, then cheating, telling his wives about it, Wilson gave them more attention and emotions to delay the divorce
• He also learned how not to get attached in marriage, to not get destroyed by the divorce (excellent gambit if you expect your marriage to fail)
• He has a better support system now too. Can't believe House is your support system, fucking lmao and ouch. Cuddy is his only other friend we see, maybe Stacy at some point (he kept in touch with after the incident)
• All his other friends and family we hear next to nothing about, at best they're surface level
• In season 5 he's only visited by the coworkers/House's team + Cuddy <- all that is pretty much House's tolerance circle
• House is pathetic, but Wilson is something else entirely
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