#(we do know- its because its a very misunderstood disorder)

[gin-juice-tonic]

today on "that was probably ocd"

remembering a time when I was little where my parents were out to dinner and my sister and i had a babysitter and a friend with us. At some point during the night I "realized" my toenails were too long, but I didn't know where the clippers were.

I ran off and hid in a corner somewhere and called my parents 20 times with the house phone and cried when they wouldnt pick up. Because I couldnt clip my toenails. Because something??? Bad would happen if I couldn't clip them

[birdofmay]

What's the difference between nonverbal and nonspeaking?

I have posts about nonverbal autism, but none about the single topic "What's the difference between nonverbal and nonspeaking?" So this will be a handy linked blog entry for my pinned post.

All summed up: There is no real difference, it's a matter of preference. Please ask us what term we prefer and respect that choice. It's a sensitive topic because there has been a lot of discourse around it ☝🏼

Alright. First things first: Nonverbal is a medical term not exclusively for autism. In the medical field, "nonverbal" simply means that your speech is extremely impaired or fully absent. Yes, there are many meanings of "nonverbal", but this is what doctors mean. Did you know that there's nonverbal cerebral palsy too? (External link)

But let's focus on autism. Autistics who can't speak are said to have "nonverbal autism".

Discourse #1 - the mind is intact

There are many reasons why some autistics never learn to speak. One reason can be non-acquired apraxia (i.e. not due to a stroke, TBI, Alzheimer's, etc.), which leads to limited motor control. If it affects the mouth and throat only, individuals "know what they want to say", but their mouth doesn't cooperate. They either struggle to get words out clearly/don't get anything out at all, or their mouth seems to have "a mind of its own" - they say things they didn't want to say. If apraxia affects the whole body, this goes for actions too. Either they can't make their body do what they want to do (e.g. they want to point at a ball but their arm won't move) or their body does things they didn't want to do (e.g. they want to point at the ball but instead their finger points at the floor).

As you can imagine, this situation is really unfortunate when a therapist wants to test your intelligence. You can't get words out, so they ask you to show them what a triangle is. You know what a triangle is, but your body does its own thing. You point at the circle instead of the triangle, and your therapist concludes that you don't understand simple instructions. They assume intellectual disability. You're misunderstood all your life and everyone thinks that you can't learn to communicate, that you don't understand language. You're frustrated.

Luckily, at some point some people realised that these autistics CAN learn to communicate and in fact are very capable and understand language just fine. That was when apraxic autistics talked about this misunderstanding online. They talked about how they were mistreated and underestimated, that people should always "presume competence". They coined a new term for themselves: "Nonspeaking". In their opinion, "nonverbal" doesn't describe their experience and makes it sound like they can't learn to read or write. "My mind is intact, I can make intelligent choices about my life!" (External link)

Sounds good? Well, it may be surprising to know that most of us on Tumblr who can't speak either don't mind being called "nonverbal" or actively prefer nonverbal over nonspeaking. How can that be?

Discourse #2 - the mind isn't always intact

There are other reasons why some autistics never learn how to speak. Most of the time, in contrast to "nonspeaking self-advocates", we do struggle to understand language and our mind is not "intact". We have language disorders, brain damage, slow processing speed, often ID. The latter is why most of us aren't on any social media. My ability to communicate isn't average for us, it's an exception!

When the "say nonspeaking" wave reached Tumblr, I think at first most of us who are on social media liked that idea. We spread awareness about how terminology is a preference thing, that "nonspeaking" is about overcoming years of mistreatment and about empowerment. That some of us think that "nonverbal" sounds like we can't communicate and can't understand language, when that's not true. But, as I said, most autistics who never learned how to speak aren't online and therefore can't participate in this discourse. "Nonspeaking self-advocates", on the other hand, are on social media and love to participate. But they are a minority among those who can't speak.

The result? At some point it got a little ableist. The mindset "We are intelligent and understand language" turned into "You guys with ID and language disorders make us look bad" and THAT turned into speaking over and ignoring us. Or harassing even. "You have to call yourself nonspeaking, otherwise you're a bad person!" and so on. We responded "No, you say you're intelligent and your mind is intact. Good for you, but ours isn't. You erase our existence and we don't relate to your experience. We don't identify with your word." It was worse on other platforms, at some point the term "nonspeaking supremacist" was coined similar to "aspie supremacist".

Discourse #3 - free interpretation of a term that's NOT loosely defined??!

And last year, a really strange thing happened: Speaking autistics somehow mixed up the "To me personally, nonverbal sounds like I can't learn to communicate and don't understand language at all" and incorrectly informed others "So there's a difference between nonverbal and nonspeaking. Nonspeaking means that you can't speak and nonverbal means that you also can't communicate in other ways".

They took it as a fact and informed us that we "by definition" actually are nonspeaking because we can communicate via text. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I repeat: Most of us who can't speak aren't on social media. So this misinformation again spread everywhere because we weren't enough, we weren't loud enough. We can't ever be loud enough because, exactly: Most of us aren't on social media.

Now we weren't harassed by fellow nonverbal/nonspeaking autistics, nope, NOW suddenly speaking autistics from ALL over the world tried to inform us that we shouldn't call ourselves nonverbal - NOT aware that by now "nonspeaking" got a slightly ableist connotation in the process 😵

Here's an example of how wild things were last year...

And that's not enough: Suddenly everyone assumed that autistics who can't speak due to apraxia MUST call themselves nonspeaking because that's where the movement started. No, even apraxic autistics sometimes prefer "nonverbal", and they have every right to do so!

As things are now...

So, that's why most of us on Tumblr prefer nonverbal. Oh, and by the way:

Whenever someone isn't aware of this and makes a "To me, nonverbal means..." post, all I think is "Oh, not again, please not again", and I see this war flashback meme in my mind's eye 😅

Every "To me, nonverbal means..." post that ends with "And that's why I prefer nonspeaking" has the potential to get loud and start this harassment and misinformation all over.

Every new post that tries to define nonverbal and nonspeaking could start this all over again.

Because nonspeaking supremacists are very very loud. And speaking autistics are usually very very uninformed about us. And most nonverbal/nonspeaking autistics aren't on any social media.

[starrysnowdrop]

Heyo! So I happened to see your recent ask response regarding Zenos randomly, and, honestly, I'm kind of curious on what people miss about his character! I'm not a personal big fan of him(ngl he kind of creeped me out with his, projecting himself on the wol it felt like? Note I say that as a WHM main who plays as truly heroic WoL(s) most of the time admittedly, so most of his stuff made me go no? alot XD I don't mind people who do like him tho! They're cool!), but I'm interested in understanding him better if possible, cause I know I miss things that others don't and I don't think I've seen anyone explain his intricacies without being somewhat rude about it, but you explained what you did without coming off as that. So I'm kind of curious on that essay you almost wrote if you'd be alright writing it XD (Sorry for being on anon, I am, very shy qwq)

In case you’re not familiar with what this anon is asking about, this is in response to my answer to this ask HERE. Feel free to go read that one and come back!

So, I first want to say thank you for being brave enough to reach out to me about this, even on anon!! I’m really glad that you didn’t find my comments to be rude, as that is the very last thing that I would want! If anyone did find me too abrasive in my previous post above, then I wholeheartedly apologize for that. I would never want anyone to be afraid to reach out to me because I came off as rude at some point, so I appreciate you letting me know that you didn’t think I was. 💖

Alright, now let’s get to the topic at hand: Zenos, and why I truly think that he is the most misunderstood character in FFXIV.

Zenos: The Most Misunderstood Character in FFXIV

((I wrote way too much, so it’s under the cut.))

Alright, so let’s start with what I have seen as the popular take on Zenos that I see as wrong: A lot of players see Zenos as a one dimensional character that has no depth, and doesn’t have a character arc in which he grows as a character. They see him as the annoying antagonist who has a battle boner for the WoL and that’s it. They only see his bloodlust and nothing else. They don’t think there is anything else to him, and that’s where I must strongly disagree.

So, how is he not a one dimensional character? Well, that’s because he really is a complex character, but you need to be paying close attention to what Zenos is actually saying and what his actions are throughout the story.

One can piece together Zenos’ complexity purely from watching the cutscenes, but just in case anyone is curious about going into more depth on his backstory, then I highly recommend that you go read his side story from the Chronicles of Light book entitled “The Hunt Begins”. It shows how Zenos was raised, and it reinforces why he thinks the way that he does.

Without going into his backstory too much, for brevity's sake, Zenos is actually a prodigy, someone who was born with not only incredible strength, but also incredible intelligence, and you know what happens when gifted kids don't get enough of a challenge? Yup, they get easily bored. So keep that in mind as we move along. Now, mix that boredom with a good dose of Anhedonia, or the inability to experience pleasure or joy. Now we aren't sure if he was born with Anhedonia, or if he acquired it through some mental health condition, such as PTSD, depression, etc. I'm no psychologist whatsoever, so I'm not here to diagnose Zenos with any particular disorder, but it is clear that he suffers from the lack of feeling joy or pleasure in his life.

This is actually what characterizes Zenos the most when we first are introduced to him in 4.0; he is suffering from Anhedonia AND Ennui, which according to Webster's Dictionary, is not just a feeling of weariness and dissatisfaction, but its a profound sense of boredom that arises from feeling jaded with one's life.

Zenos is suffering from a lack of joy and pleasure in his life, seeing the world as meaningless and dull, and he has found only one sole pleasure in all of it: The Hunt*. But what he means by The Hunt, is that he wants to fight the most challenging foes, challenging enough that he must put his all into the battle and be pushed to the brink of death. Only this kind of challenging battle will give him any sense of joy at all. For him at this point, there has been nothing else which has brought him joy, so he seeks out this sole pleasure.

And THAT is what Zenos' motivation is. He is not mindless in his pursuit of battle. His bloodlust stems from the desire to feel some kind of happiness at all, and unlike what some might think, not any foe will do. Zenos does not fight mindlessly against anyone at any time. That is not true. If an enemy is no threat to him, unless they purposely get in his way, he will not fight them.

This is true from the first time you see Zenos on the battlefield. At Rhalgr's Reach, Zenos sought out only the strongest fighters there, and two of them (Lyse and Y'shtola) got in his way first, and he defeated them easily. When he fights the WoL, the one who he has heard so much about, and definitely the strongest opponent among them, he becomes curious and hopes that we will give him what he wants. But in that first battle with him, he swats the WoL away like a fly, and they pose no challenge to him at all, to which he calls them "Pathetic", and then he immediately leaves, ultimately disappointed.

Note that Zenos had every opportunity to kill Lyse, Y’shtola, and the WoL if he wanted to, but he doesn’t. He leaves them alone after he defeats them. That’s not the sign of someone who is so sadistic that he’s only out for blood. The fact of the matter here is that Zenos is trying to feel something from battle, something that he has never experienced before: pure joy.

Zenos doesn’t experience this joy until he fights the WoL again several times; first he gets just a hint of it, a tiny spark, when the WoL breaks a piece of his helmet off, and he feels it even more later on when Zenos fights the WoL in the Ala Mhigan throne room. This is when Zenos goes into his monologue before he releases and takes over Shinryu, and note that the joy and pleasure he is describing seems to have a sexual tone to it, which I promise I have a point to make about that in a bit.

After the battle with Zenos as Shinryu, he finally feels the joy that he has never felt in his entire life, and because he doesn’t think he’ll ever feel anything like it ever again, Zenos takes his own life, happy to have played a bit part in the story of his “first friend”.

But as we know, Zenos doesn’t stay dead. He finds himself alive once more, and he has a singular goal: to feel that pure bliss, that overwhelming joy that he felt when he fought the WoL in the Royal Menagerie in Ala Mhigo. From ShB through EW, Zenos’ goal doesn’t change, but he does change in his understanding of what it means to have a “friend” and how he can feel happiness.

During EW, Zenos has several scenes where his understanding of his feelings seems to grow, and though that sexual tone to his descriptions of what he’s feeling towards his battle with the WoL is still there, I would argue that over time, it seems to have more and more of a romantic tone to it as well. And with this shift in his tone when describing his feelings, he also seems to question his understanding of it all.

Zenos’ character growth is the whole point of two very important scenes: the Scions and Jullus encountering Zenos in Garlemald while fighting the blasphemies, and later when Zenos goes to the Royal Menagerie alone. The first of these scenes reinforces the themes of EW with Zenos’ philosophy of life, but it is also the first time that someone says something that makes Zenos question his beliefs.

Alisaie’s words to Zenos hit him hard, and Zenos goes back to the Royal Menagerie, to the scene of where he had his one transcendent moment, his one time in his life when he felt joy, pleasure, and happiness. He realizes in this moment that, whatever you believe Zenos’ true feelings are for the WoL, which I personally argue that it is love that he feels for them, but regardless, Zenos cannot continue to be selfish and only think about his own wants and desires. He must act selflessly, and assist in the WoL’s battle against the Endsinger and stop the Final Days, in order for the WoL to give him what he wants in return. He finally realizes that it’s this give and take, this reciprocation between people, is the key to building bonds with others… Zenos finally learns what it is to be a “friend” to someone. After this moment, Zenos goes to Sharlayan to find a way to help out the WoL in their mission to save the star, and to finally be a friend to them.

And you know what that is? That’s growth. That’s having a character arc. That’s Zenos in all of his complexity. Which I still say that it’s perfectly fine to not like his character, but I only wish that people would not like him with a clear understanding of what he really is, and not what others think he is.

Alright, I think I have blabbed on long enough, but I hope that I have answered your question anon! If you need me to clarify anything further, please don’t hesitate to ask me! Thank you so much for your ask anon, and thank you to all who have read this! 💖

[dross-the-fish]

A follower tagged me on a post that was talking about how Edward isn't actually a bad guy but rather he's misunderstood and I'm not going to reply to that post because I don't want to start drama on someone else's blog but I've seen the sentiment brought up a few times so I'm going to make a blanket post about the topic rather than single anyone out. The post I was tagged in mentions the trampling of the child and seems to frame it like an accident so I'll start there and I'll let Henry himself tell you how he views that incident. "An act of cruelty to a child aroused against me the anger of a passer by," He outright says it, it's an act of cruelty. He doesn't deny that. And that's what I hate about fanon Hyde. A lot of interps seem to forget that Hyde is a middle aged man struggling with a repressed sadistic streak and not a social awkward teenager. I think the most concrete evidence we have of Jekyll/Hyde's nature is in Jekyll's letter and how he describes himself and his relationship to Hyde. “To cast in my lot with Jekyll, was to die to those appetites which I had long secretly indulged and had of late begun to pamper. To cast it in with Hyde, was to die to a thousand interests and aspirations, and to become, at a blow and forever, despised and friendless. The bargain might appear unequal; but there was still another consideration in the scales; for while Jekyll would suffer smartingly in the fires of abstinence, Hyde would be not even conscious of all that he had lost.” As afraid as he is of losing the life he's built for himself there's so much LONGING to be Hyde despite the evils Hyde has done. He wants to indulge in his appetites and he knows if he embraces Edward he won't even grieve his losses. I find it interesting that he notes that becoming Edward would cost him his "aspirations and interests," because he would be losing everything to his vice, choosing pleasure and indulgence over his own goals and ambitions. "If I am the chief of sinners, I am the chief of sufferers also," Henry Jekyll is a complex and repressed but also very selfish man and here's where the interpretation of Edward as a metaphor for addiction comes most strongly into play. Jekyll shows textbook signs of a drug user: experimentation, denial or minimization of the harmful effects, attempts to quit, withdrawal when he goes too long without being Edward and eventually he develops a dependency and falls into a spiral. The fact that he's taking a potion just drives the imagery that much harder. Even the description of the effects of the potion itself mirror drug use. "something indescribably new and, from its very novelty, incredibly sweet. I felt younger, lighter, happier in body ; within I was conscious of a heady recklessness, a current of disordered sensual images running like a mill race in my fancy, a solution of the bonds of obligation, an unknown but not an innocent freedom of the soul. I knew myself, at the first breath of this new life, to be more wicked, tenfold more wicked" It's agony at first but once the "high" hits and he becomes Edward he feels good and his inhibitions are gone. He can indulge every depraved and twisted act his heart desires without having to take the hit to his reputation or the responsibility. “since then I had been obliged on more than one occasion to double, and once, with infinite risk of death, to treble the amount” - Jekyll risks an overdose because he keeps taking more of the serum. This illustrates his dependency on Hyde and his inability to quit. One thing I've noticed about Hyde interps that favor the lighter, softer, readings of the character is that they almost always neglect the characterization of Henry Jekyll. Either depicting Jekyll as the good half or all but erasing them from their fanon version of Hyde and that's something you can't really do because it misses the point of Jekyll and Hyde. Which is about Henry Jekyll and his repression and his eventual turn to a destructive outlet.

"The pleasures which I made haste to seek in my disguise were, as I have said, undignified; I would scarce use a harder term. But in the hands of Edward Hyde, they soon began to turn towards the monstrous. When I would come back from these excursions, I was often plunged into a kind of wonder at my vicarious depravity. This familiar that I called out of my own soul, and sent forth alone to do his good pleasure, was a being inherently malign and villainous; his every act and thought centered on self; drinking pleasure with bestial avidity from any degree of torture to another, relentless like a man of stone. Henry Jekyll stood at times aghast before the acts of Edward Hyde." once the leash is off Jekyll is shocked by what he's capable of, what Hyde is capable of. The words used by Stevenson paint a lurid picture, Depravity, bestial, torture, villainous. He can't outright say what Hyde is doing but it's pretty clear he has a sadistic streak. He also lets slip at one point by using "My" instead of referring to Edward as separate. "My vicarious depravity." He's aware, he is complicit and he enjoys himself. You cannot separate Jekyll from Hyde therefore any interpretation of Hyde as being soft, innocent, unaware or merely mischievous is not only incorrect but it directly contradicts the purpose of the story and strips Jekyll of his complexity. If you can't like this character as he is written then you don't like this character. There are some things you can leave up to interpretation but Hyde's sadism and Jekyll's addiction to Hyde are both very clear cut and Jekyll's confession spells everything out in a way that you'd have to reach pretty far to claim that Edward is being misrepresented by Utterson throughout the bulk of the novel.

[wolfertinger]

Hey, I have DID and know people with it and I just wanna clear this up:

https://www.tumblr.com/wolfertinger/781641995863162880/tbh-as-someone-with-covert-did-i-do-think-salem?source=share

It's harmful to fake claim anyone with DID seeing as DID/OSDD and other disorders present so differently. I PERSONALLY think Salem is lying about it, but in any post I make about it, I avoid bringing that up because, of how damaging that is for any other system that may be different than the "norm".

For example I'm a very huge polyfragmented system and have been fake claimed due to having "too mamy alters", despite having a diagnosis and going to therapy to work on my issues and communicate with my alters to my best ability. I know you specifically weren't supporting the statement, but I do just wanna put out there why fake claiming is so harmful.

I think with all the story changes we have enough to say Salem is either

A) Not entirely truthful about his DID

or B) Lying

But to say most people are lying about DID is inherently a harmful way to think about the disorder and so I wanted as someone with it to put that out there.

^ agree, completely. i think, what they were trying to say is that overt/covert DID and its rarity, is often misunderstood. but i do wish to emphasize, over all, i want to platform the opinions and voices of those with DID/OSDD/other, dissociative disorders. their outlook is important, especially with the way salem makes out his own DID, to be more like treating his alters like ocs, than anything.

[vegantinatalist]

why do you think "wrong body feeling" is related to autism/adhd?

-some autism spaces are seeing such a massive amount of autistic children being harmed by gender ideology that they are finally speaking up and determining that autistic kids need to be protected https://ovarit.com/o/GenderCritical/620071/evidence-based-autism-they-ve-gone-gender-critical

-we know that doctors who are giving gender affirming surgeries are making absolute obscene bank, this is a multibillion dollar industry, we have seen their discussions with eachother where its clear their goal is to make as much money as possible and to get people on whatever treatments take the longest and cost the most. they have full incentive to manipulate as many people as possible into believing this will help them and the most manipulatable people are children, scared parents, and some neurodivergent people/pw mental illnesses.

-personal/anecdotal, but when i was a kid there was a school i didnt go to but my friend did and i visited once. it was almost entirely populated with autistic students and every single one of them used neopronouns or believed they were trans and it was very cultlike, it was weird how the school practically only accepted these types of kids and i think they were either trying to protect these kids or were grooming them to follow gender ideology religiously. they even had breaks mid class where they would talk about it daily. every trans person ive ever met was autistic and ive met many -i have multiple autistic family members and i know a lot about what they experience. autistic people often experience discomfort just 24/7 in general, often without them being able to tell exactly what it is. all kinds of sensory things can bother them. being unable to communicate/being misunderstood is a common thing as well. being perceived also seems to be very stressful for them in general, even if they arent abused when young. i have watched with my own eyes how they tried to cope with this across their lifetimes. ive seen them as children trying to explain it by claiming they actually must be dogs or aliens. ive seen them as adults putting their complete faith in all manner of random bs explanations in hopes it will bring them understanding and salvation from their unending discomfort and feelings of isolation and being misunderstood. it is not at all difficult to imagine an autistic youth or adult stumbling into gender ideology and being convinced that transitioning is the answer. much of this also applies to adhd and sufferers of cptsd who are struggling to gain a sense of control over their bodies and mind after being terribly abused.

Im not saying all people who identify as trans are autistic/adhd and im not saying autism/adhd being the cause of something means it doesnt exist. im just saying i think for MANY trans people the root of gender dysphoria is actually just related to their neurodivergence and there are better ways to treat it.

Another example of a similar situation, is eating disorders and bpd. We know pw bpd are very likely to have eating disorders and a common thing you get educated on when you are learning about how to help ppl with bpd or eating disorders, is that you should first find out if they are neurodivergent in some way and get them treatment for that first. its like step #1. or if you know they have bpd, TREAT THE BPD FIRST and dont fixate on the eating disorder, and likely not only will the eating disorder be relieved but the laundry list of other issues related to bpd will get better as well. this is a huge problem with bpd- it often comes with so many other behavioral issues and physical pains that people get distracted and never treat the root problem. i think the same thing is going on here with autism/adhd and gender fixation. its a very similar thing. "my body is wrong, i must do these harmful things because, although it hurts, it hurts more to do nothing". but there is a third option. and people are not considering it, theyre going backwards and considering this third option offensive/an attack. understandable, because a lot of people are religious self righteous pricks and act severely smug about telling others they know whats best for them. i consider those people just as much a part of this problem, so i want yall to know i dont think anyone has any right to force any specific treatment on you or deny you the right to do what you think is best for you. this is just my experience and my advice and the warnings i want to give, especially about these doctors. and im also here on this blog to say that while it is your right to do what you want to do with your own body, it isnt your right to violate sex segregated space rules, those are womens rights that i want to defend. your rights end where others rights begin etc etc.

[dreamycove]

hi ummmm do you have any advice on how to explain to someone who isnt very knowledgeable about systems that youre a fictive? we came out to them as a system recently and theyve been very supportive so far and i wanna tell them im a fictive too because its an important part of my identity, but im like really nervous that ill explain it badly and theyll misunderstand or judge me for it 

mhm mhm… i think that being nervous is really understandable, you’re already coming from a vulnerable place and with being open about having a disorder that’s so often stigmatized or misunderstood it’s pretty common to be scared about things like that i think. that being said though, i think that it’s a good sign that your friend(?) is already open and supportive about things. maybe you can just explain what fictives and introjects are first or how they form because of how your brain can latch on to whatever character, object, etc. when you split, then maybe get into telling them that you are an introject of a character as well and wanted to let them know since it’s important to you? of course don’t feel like you have to overshare to prove yourself to them or anything though and you can take your time and work up the nerve to do so whenever you’re ready… but hopefully this person is someone you can trust and who will continue to be understanding and supportive of you through all of this? i’m not sure if i’ve done the best job explaining all of this but i hope this can help a little… feel free to come back with any more questions or updates if you want to? but best of luck really, im sure it will be okay - 🌑

[pumpkin-the-girlie-girl-vixen]

The Unseen Beauty of Borderline Personality Disorder: A Journey of Self-Discovery & Empathy

As I sit down to write this blog, I'm filled with a mix of emotions - excitement, nervousness, and a hint of trepidation. Excitement because I'm about to share a side of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) that's often overlooked, nervousness because I'm afraid of being judged or misunderstood, and trepidation because I know that the stigma surrounding BPD is still very much alive. But I'm determined to share my story, to educate, and to raise awareness about the good qualities of BPD, in the hopes that it will help to break down the barriers of misconception and foster empathy and understanding.

Growing up, I always felt like I was different. I was more emotional, more sensitive, and more intense than my peers. I would feel things deeply, and my emotions would shift like the wind. I would be happy one moment, and then suddenly, I would be overwhelmed with sadness or anxiety. I didn't understand why I was this way, and I often felt like I was a burden to those around me.

It wasn't until I was diagnosed with BPD that I began to understand myself. I learned that my brain was wired differently, that I had a unique way of processing emotions and interacting with the world. And as I delved deeper into my diagnosis, I discovered that I was not alone. There were others out there who were just like me, struggling to navigate the complexities of their own emotions and relationships.

But despite the challenges that come with BPD, I've come to realize that there are many good qualities that are often overlooked. We are a passionate and emotional group of people, and our intensity can be a strength, not a weakness. We are deeply feeling and empathetic, able to connect with others on a profound level. We are creative and imaginative, with a unique perspective on the world. And we are fiercely loyal and dedicated to those we care about, willing to go to great lengths to support and protect them.

One of the most significant advantages of having BPD is our ability to form deep and meaningful connections with others. We are naturally empathetic and can pick up on the emotions of those around us, allowing us to provide comfort and support when it's needed most. We are also incredibly intuitive, able to read between the lines and understand the underlying dynamics of a situation. This makes us excellent friends, partners, and confidants, as we are able to provide a level of emotional support and understanding that is rare in today's world.

Another positive aspect of BPD is our creativity and imagination. We are often drawn to the arts, music, and writing, as these outlets allow us to express ourselves and process our emotions in a healthy way. Our intensity and passion can also drive us to pursue our goals and dreams with fervor, leading to great accomplishments and achievements. And our unique perspective on the world can bring a fresh and innovative approach to problem-solving, making us valuable assets in both personal and professional settings.

But perhaps the most beautiful aspect of BPD is our capacity for love and connection. We are deeply feeling and emotional, and we have a profound need for intimacy and closeness. We are willing to take risks and be vulnerable, to open ourselves up to the possibility of hurt and rejection, in order to experience the depths of human connection. And when we do form relationships, we are fiercely loyal and dedicated, willing to go to great lengths to support and protect those we care about.

Of course, living with BPD is not without its challenges. We are easily triggered, and our emotions can shift rapidly, making it difficult to navigate the complexities of everyday life. We may struggle with impulsivity, self-destructive behaviors, and intense mood swings, which can be overwhelming and exhausting for both ourselves and those around us. But it's essential to remember that these challenges are not a choice, but rather a symptom of our condition.

As I look back on my journey with BPD, I'm struck by the realization that I am not my diagnosis. I am a complex and multifaceted individual, with strengths and weaknesses, talents and flaws. And while BPD is a significant part of my life, it does not define me. I am more than my condition, and I am capable of growth, change, and evolution.

So, to those who are struggling with BPD, I want you to know that you are not alone. You are part of a community that is strong, resilient, and beautiful. Your emotions, your intensity, and your passion are not weaknesses, but strengths. And your ability to form deep and meaningful connections with others is a gift, not a curse.

And to those who are not familiar with BPD, I want to educate you. I want to help you understand that we are not "crazy" or "difficult" people. We are simply wired differently, and our brains process emotions and interactions in a unique way. We are not a burden to those around us, but rather a source of depth, passion, and creativity. We are not a liability, but rather an asset, bringing a fresh perspective and a willingness to take risks to the table.

I want to encourage you to look beyond the stigma and stereotypes surrounding BPD. Look beyond the negative media portrayals and the misconceptions that perpetuate fear and misunderstanding. Instead, take the time to get to know us, to understand our experiences, and to appreciate our unique qualities.

We are not a monolith, but rather a diverse and complex group of individuals. We are artists, writers, musicians, and activists. We are parents, partners, and friends. We are individuals with hopes, dreams, and aspirations, just like anyone else. And we deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and compassion.

As I continue on my journey with BPD, I am constantly learning and growing. I am learning to navigate the complexities of my emotions, to manage my triggers, and to develop healthy coping mechanisms. I am learning to communicate effectively, to set boundaries, and to prioritize self-care. And I am learning to love and accept myself, flaws and all.

It's not always easy, and there are still days when the darkness feels overwhelming. But I am determined to rise above, to find the beauty in the brokenness, and to use my experiences to help others. I am determined to be a voice for those who are struggling, to provide a sense of hope and connection, and to help break down the barriers of stigma and misunderstanding.

If you are struggling with BPD, I want you to know that you are not alone. There is hope, there is help, and there is a community of people who understand and care. Don't be afraid to reach out, to seek support, and to advocate for yourself. You are worthy of love, care, and compassion, and you deserve to live a life that is fulfilling and meaningful.

And if you are not struggling with BPD, I want to encourage you to be an ally. Educate yourself about the condition, and learn to recognize the signs and symptoms. Be patient, understanding, and compassionate, and offer support and encouragement to those who are struggling. Remember that we are not our diagnosis, and that we are capable of growth, change, and evolution.

Together, we can create a world that is more inclusive, more accepting, and more compassionate. A world that values diversity, promotes understanding, and celebrates the unique qualities of each individual. A world that recognizes the beauty in the brokenness, and that honors the strength and resilience of those who are struggling.

As I close this blog, I want to leave you with a message of hope and encouragement. You are not alone, you are not a burden, and you are not defined by your diagnosis. You are a unique and valuable individual, with a perspective and a voice that matters. Don't be afraid to speak out, to share your story, and to advocate for yourself. You are worthy of love, care, and compassion, and you deserve to live a life that is fulfilling and meaningful.

Thank you for reading, and I hope that my story has inspired you to look beyond the stigma and stereotypes surrounding BPD. Remember, we are not our diagnosis, and we are capable of growth, change, and evolution. We are strong, resilient, and beautiful, and we deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and compassion.

[beannary]

hey abt your tags on the DID survey

I would say we were a little thrown off by them? The tone just came across as talking about systems like theyre some weird misunderstood creature that needs to be experimented on, and not you know, people with thoughts and feelings.

Being interested and having an open mind is good! I'm not saying it isn't, and I know this probably comes off as being very policing

Its just important to be careful how you talk about other people, especially when we have a history of being the "other"

We're genuinely not mad because I'm pretty sure this came from a super good place, I just thought I'd let you know!

Thank you!!

Thank you for sending me this! I did not consider how the tone of my comments could come across but I also think you are misunderstanding what an anthropology study would be but also

1. that is super understandable because anthropology is not super well understood by non anthropologists

2. anthropology has such a bad history when it comes to studying marginalized communities

3. i am so entrenched in the anthropology community so i definitely did not consider how what i said would come across to people who dont have the same set of knowledge that i do and

4.i did not like proofread my comments so i totally get that i may have written my thoughts in a way that was othering which I really didn't intend! so I am sorry for that

im including like a bunch of information about my like thought process and like a further explanation of what i mean under the cut my thoughts just ended up getting super long so i didnt want to like clog up peoples dashes

TLDR: I totally understand how the term anthropology study comes across as othering and seems as if i am reducing people with DID to some sort of oddity that needs to be studied, and I am sorry for that, I should have considered how it would be understood. What an actual anthropology study would entail (or at least a good anthropology study) is just asking people with DID questions about their lives and whatever other topics they want to talk about with the end goal of giving the people who were apart of the research as much control and say over the research questions and study itself if that makes sense.

when i say anthropology study i mean that in the sense that anthropology is the study of communities and culture. anthropology has been used in the past as a tool to oppress people of color, women, people with mental illnesses, and pretty much every other community that is not straight and white and male, but that is slowly but surely changing!

I'm currently doing a masters degree in anthropology so I have read a lot of academic anthropology literature and I have read studies on people with mental illnesses and psychiatric disorders but I haven't read anything about people with DID and so i think that is an area of research that could be expanded on

when i say it would be interesting to do an anthropology study on people with DID what I sort of have in mind is basically it would just consist of asking people with DID questions about literally whatever. anthropology is meant to be a study that at the end of the day helps the study group in whatever way they want or need, it isn't (or at least it shouldn't) be entirely motivated for academic achievements if that makes sense

if I were to do a hypothetical anthropology study on people with DID my first step to begin that research would be to reach out to people who have DID and 1. ask if they want me to do a study at all (if they don't then there's no point in me pushing for it because the end goal of my study should be to help them in whatever way they want), 2. explain to them the ways anthropology could help them if they want a study to be done at all and figure out if what they want is compatible with the discipline of anthropology

just thinking of some like research topics off the top of my head (and mind you this is just me spitballing without going through the actual research process which would be much more intensive and would involve me you know actually talking with people with DID to figure out what they want specifically so this actual research question would not be applied in an actual study but im just giving you this as a rough example of what I mean) but a research question could be how are people with DID living in the modern 21st century world? I would then ask them questions about how they live their life, what they feel about the way they live their lives, what struggles they face, what would make life easier for them, and essentially literally whatever else they want to talk about.

I literally cannot stress enough how whatever research I would hypothetically do would be entirely up to the people I'm interviewing they would literally be entirely in control of the entire thing. And also any hypothetical research would only be conducted if people with DID wanted me to, it would be entirely dependent on their wants and needs, my job as the anthropologist would just be to document what they are saying and helping them navigate the world of academia to help them achieve whatever goals they want

If you do end up reading all of this I hope this was all understandable and straightforward! If it isn't then that's on me and I will rewrite it to be easier to understand. But I really do hope this makes sense and if you have any more questions for me or really anything else to say to me about things I could have said better or with more consideration my ask box is always open and also im pretty sure my dms are open too so you can always message me there!

[woodland-sys]

I'm still new to discovering I have a system (just got over that denial bridge a few weeks ago, and have been struggling mentally since (and before) then), and the system discourse online has been very... distressing? I want to lean into safe communities meant for learning about or exploring (my own) CDD, and find some sort of comraderie.

I don't understand what's happening really - I don't exactly understand endogenic systems, but I also don't understand why people would be anti-endogenic. It just seems... hateful. And purposeless.

I've seen tons of anti-endo posts (before I learned what endo meant) that made me terrified to lean too heavily into traumagen spaces (if they could say this about awful stuff about one group of people, what could they say about me? *it is very much a learned response from trauma, but it is what it is I guess*

I guess the point is to ask if you were ever anti-endo, and what has it been like since you started making pro-endo posts? I know it's silly, but I'm trying to figure all of this out and I'm terrified of receiving hate for refusing to hate someone because of how they identify

Thanks (and sorry for the book lol)

- Host

First I want to say it's not silly at all!! Being a newly discovered system is overwhelming and it's normal to want to have a community of those who understand you. It's also normal to want to avoid being harassed and fakeclaimed. I'm happy you reached out! This reply is going to be kinda long (sorry I tried to keep it short) but I did my best to address all your questions. I hope this helps! And I wish you the best on your new journey of self discovery!!

Second I would strongly recommend that you stay away from syscourse if you can. It's really draining and overwhelming even for us and we have a pretty good handle on our system. As a newly discovered system it's going to be even worse.

Unfortunately I don't have any specific recommendations for cdd focused spaces which accept endos (if anybody knows one put it in the replies!) but I will say that pro endo servers, even if they aren't focused on cdds can still be amazing for finding comradery. There will be other cdd systems there and you might find some endos who you relate to as well. Also if you want my dms are open! I'm just one person (well, not exactly) but I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have and suggest ways to help you figure out your system more!

As for why people are anti endo I think it mainly comes down to two things. First is that they think endos are saying they experience the same thing as cdd systems except without the trauma. Endos do not generally claim this*. Second is that people who've spent significant amounts of their lives under attack sometimes they start to see threats where there aren't any.

These systems have debilitating mental illnesses that are criminally misunderstood and romanticized. For them being a system is intrinsically linked with being deeply traumatized, they are not separate. So when they see a community of people claim to have systems but not trauma, they get upset. They feel like that's not possible, because it isn't possible to be a system like *theirs* without trauma. They get frustrated because they think people just want the "quirky" parts of their disorder without the painful ones. That's why they always say endos are faking did, because they can't imagine a system that doesn't have a cdd. They think endos are just people who want to feel special so they claim to have system. Once endos started becoming a part of the community, anti endos felt invaded because now there's a bunch of systems who don't have cdds in the space they thought was for them (keep in mind cdd focused spaces still exist, its just that the plural community as a whole isn't 100% focused on us anymore).

Once they feel invaded, they feel like they need to defend their community and they do that by harassing and fakeclaiming endos. Then they act like psychology is on their side (it isn't) and after that it's just increasing amounts of digging their heels in.

I think it mostly comes down to the misconception that endos claim to have did without the disorder part, and then in trying to defend themselves they turn off critical thinking and just do whatever they can to get rid of the perceived threat.

*There is a world of difference between the experiences of most endos and most cdd systems but it's not black and white. At this point the term "endo" just means anybody who is not completely traumagenic which includes mixed origin systems. Also, some endogenic systems develop cdds after being exposed to trauma, the only difference is that they were plural beforehand so they're still endogenic. There's others too. The main point is that the plural experience is incredibly personal and doesn't fit well into boxes, categorization is useful and it's important that people understand that in general there are real and big differences between endogenic plurality and cdds but there's no hard lines here.

[1863-project]

so for your poll abt abelism in fandom communities - i voted yes + reblogged but i will say i dont 1000% know im doing this right.

but for my experiences its been a lot of stigmatising of cluster b personality disorders. i have BPD which is already incredibly misunderstood/stigmatised but especially in fandom spaces where its "i headcanon x character w bpd" and immediately met with "no u cant bc ppl w bpd r evil and functionally not even ppl!!! all they do is hurt ppl they care about fuck them fuck ppl w bpd!!!" which

is incredibly harmful, as you'd imagine.

as well, i have autism and suspected schizophrenia and OCD (autism diagnosed, i am working on getting evaluated for schizophrenia and/or OCD) and fandom spaces can be incredibly rude to people with autism. whether it is schizophrenia related or not, i deal with extreme bouts of paranoia. fandom spaces also have a tendency to play into this - ie "joking" threats to be in my walls to hunt me down to kill me because i have a different fandom opinion.

its. alot. and i avoid most fandom spaces because of it.

Anon, I'm so sorry this has been your experience, because it absolutely should not be. This is the entire point of doing the poll and using the data to work on an essay - this behavior needs to be addressed and acknowledged as harmful.

I'm autistic with OCD myself, and this website is definitely bad to people with OCD. The misunderstanding of intrusive thoughts and how so many people become purity police and assume those intrusive thoughts actually mean you want to do something instead of understanding that they cause OCD folks extreme distress and anxiety is really, really harmful. And don't get me started on autism - I've been out in the real world doing self-advocacy for over a decade now, and the way a lot of people in fandom spaces treat autism is abysmal - there's even a lot of internalized ableism on that front, i.e. "I can't be ableist because I'm also disabled!" We all have internalized ableism to work through because of the world we live in.

Cluster B personality disorders and psychotic disorders get it the worst, though, with people treating those with them as "inhuman" and "evil" more often than not. No one is inherently more "evil" than anyone else. A personality disorder doesn't necessarily indicate that a person is bad. A psychotic disorder doesn't, either. BPD in particular actually makes a person very vulnerable to being abused due to the nature of how it works, but people love ignoring that part.

RE: people using your paranoia to send hateful anons, be really careful about what you share about yourself online. If you give too much information about what specifically can be used to hurt you, some people will absolutely do it. I know I may sound like an overly cautious adult to many of you (I'm 34), but when I was a teenager, we didn't put any personal information online in order to keep ourselves safe. If you aren't talking to people you really trust, don't necessarily share that information, because people are often cruel when they feel they can be so without any repercussions. Don't put all your triggers in your Carrd, don't make massive DNIs with all of the things that can hurt you in them - just use the block button and protect yourselves. Not everyone is acting in bad faith, and indeed, most humans aren't, but there are always some who will, and if they know how to hurt you or get back at you, they won't hesitate to hit where it hurts.

I'm sorry you have to remove yourself from fandom spaces just to feel safe, anon. It really isn't fair and you should be allowed to have a safe experience too.

[jdbeckmanwriting]

May 10 - A Cathedral in France

The Avignon Cathedral is a looming stone building that stood beside The Palaise de Paipes, translated in english to The Palace of Popes. Atop the cathedrals bell tower is a looming statue of the Virgin Mary. Staring down at the city, it is near impossible to hide yourself from her judgemental gaze...

I have a complicated relationship with religion. I believe in a higher power, I think, but more out of a need for comfort than any real kind of conviction. The challenge, though, wasn't in a disbelief of christianities' most basic teaching, but in the way those teaching were presented by many of its followers. I could meander here for ages, but since Jesus is not the focus of this entry, let me attempt to instead be concise. A central tenant in Christianity is the idea that Jesus died on the cross so that God would forgive our sins. The belief that anyone is capable of redemption and forgiveness is at the center of the faith. While my religion. is used by many to do the opposite of this, I've always been able to consider my christian background with pride because of this.

The cathedral we're standing now in was built in the 12th century. How many people do you suppose walked across these stone floors or knelt before the Lord in this same sanctuary and prayed for their salvation? What sort of things do you suppose they prayed for? Earlier today, I and a dozen other 20 somethings were sat by a french pub in a gorgeous public square getting absolutely plastered on wine and beer...

Those 12th century siners probably would have had a number of thoughts about that behavior. But, I digress.

I've been thinking about this moment and the idea of forgiveness a lot recently. I follow the band Lovejoy and their lead singer Will Gold, know better by his internet screen name Wilbur Soot. For those not chronically online and unaware of the controversy that's been tied to that name recently, Will Gold was accused of Domestic Abuse by his Ex Girlfriend Shelby Sulick, better know as Shelby 'Shubble' Grace. For the purposes of this entry, we will not be diving into the details of those accusations. Google it if you're curious or venture forth to Twitter if you're feeling very brave and patient.

No, the question I keep coming to and that brought me back to this century old place of worship was the question of change and growth. There's a quote for a show called Bockjack Horseman that surmizes my thoughts fairly well, "There's no such thing as 'bad guys' or 'good guys' We're all just... guys, who do good stuff sometimes and bad stuff sometimes. And all we can do is try to do less bad stuff and more good stuff, but you're never going to be good because you're not bad." I've noticed a trend in social media discourse in the last decade of people picking up 'buzzword' and using them without taking the time to research what those terms fully mean. It popped up around the same point as clickbaiting. I hate both trends equally.

Popular examples such as narcicist, gaslighting, and triggered are some of my favorite overused and misunderstood psychology terms at the moment. The example that bothers me most is the use of Narcicist and Narcicistic abuse. Narcicistic Personality Disorder is a diagnosable mental disorder that can be diagnosed and addressed with a professional Psychologist and medications. Not all people with NPD are abusers, and the use of NPD in Pop Psychology further pushes this idea that all people with NPD are dangerous individuals. This mindset also seems to push the idea that those who perpetuate abuse are incapable of change. Narcicistic Abuse is NOT a clinical diagnosis identified by the Diagnostic Statistic Manual (DSM) or the American Psychology Association (APA).

Psychology does not agree with the idea that abusers cannot improve and that 'toxic' behavior cannot be corrected. The Center for Prevention of Abuse gives a list of examples on their website explaining signs that a perpetrator is willing to improve as well as steps that you as a friend can take to help a friend with abusive tendencies. Heidi Preibe, a popular relationship youtuber open with her process of self growth, goes into detail on the steps she took herself to work toward paracticing better mindfulness and self awareness.

The central premis seems to be this: work to be aware of the behaviours you desplay that hurt others, observe the situations that trigger you to act in a harmful way, and set boundaries for yourself that push you to walk away and seek help from friends and a professional when you find yourself in those situations. If these are topics you're interested in, I would highly consider starting with Heidi's video linked below and going from there. Everyone displays toxic or narcicistic traits in their lifetime. Left unchecked, they can easily enter the realm of emotionally abusive. If you see this post and your response is 'I'm not toxic or abusive EVER. Sunshine pours out of my ass at all times.' Then you're probably the toxic pick this is directed at.

Singing in a space as old and as active as this is an experience unlike anything you will ever experience. As the sound of your voice echoes off the stone walls it will quite literally surround anyone present in that space. In choral music there is a phenomenon caused when a choir is in in perfect harmony: Overtones. These are very high echoing tones that ring in the space around you. When I imagine the sounds of angels speaking, I like to imagine they sound a bit like that. Those notes will only appear if ever singer is in tune and is completely in sink with one another. As always, communication and understanding among the vocalists is key. If your a 12th century farming begging the lordes forgiveness in a place as holy as this, I could see how a moment like that might leave an impact.

But now, it's time to turn the page to another snapshot of another moment in time. Perhaps we'll come back to this idea though. But that is for another time.

------

Adendum - This post is in no way meant to suggest or imply abusive behaviour by eaither party mentioned above. All we have at this moment are statements and I will not be giving a full definitive answer om what I believe happened here until more information has come forward from both parties. This is merely a discussion on forgiveness and personal growth with links to helpful sources. It is also not meant to suggest that you should stay with an abusive partner in the hope they will change. That is a personal devision based on situation and should be discussed with friends and, if possible, a psychologist. Most sources agree that change in an abusive individual is only possible if/when the partner has left and forced them to leave.

If folks are absolutely desperate for my personal breakdown and speculations on the situation the I will address that at that time. If you go into my notes and leave disrespectul comments I will delete your comment and block you from this page.

Sources -

https://youtu.be/moynQi7qT08?si=baTzLjWTkOl4n8hI

https://www.centerforpreventionofabuse.org/i-need-help-for-someone-else/helping-abusers/

https://lundybancroft.com/

https://youtu.be/Nrx_dXx3WUQ?si=-5aSzDedf_QejWBV

[roleplay-abiogenesis2]

[Sensitive] Let's Talk RP and Mental Illness

//Hello hello, Saru-mun here to post a lil disclaimer that I felt to be due on my blog for quite some time now.

Let me preface all this by saying that yours truly has past and present long-lived experiences with mental illness, as someone affected directly by it and even indirectly when co-existing with others affected by it. Nothing in this post comes from a place of ignorance, intolerance, or even indifference to it.

I've always been a reserved person when it comes to my personal mental health. Oversharing and "trauma-dumping" have put a stigma on being overly open about these things, and I for one loathe the idea of being labeled as the person "playing the victim card". That said, I'm happy to find that this personal choice of mine does not reflect in my writing and roleplay. I like to write on these topics and explore their intricate and deep thematics like most other people here.

With THAT said as well however, I am also someone who puts a priority on realism before all else.

We live in a very lucky time for mental health awareness. Psychology studies have made leaps and bounds and uncovered, identified and explained many aspects of mental illness that I still remember being completely misunderstood and unheard of when I was a child. I think it is great and am thankful for this progress.

This however is due to the world we live in and the many advancements research has made over the years. This is a factor that I am never unaware of and that I am unwilling to cheapen by pretending it's to be given for granted.

What does it mean exactly? It means that when writing in settings that do not match our present-day progress, I will keep that in mind and have my muses match the emotional intelligence and knowledge that I would expect to be average in the world and universe they live in.

You probably should not expect Cyno the desert-dweller with a degree in elemental studies to know much about things like autism, PTSD, identity disorders or depression. The world he belongs to simply does not reflect that degree of awareness towards these conditions and as such, characters that belong in it should not be expected to understand them like we do in real life.

What should you expect? Ignorance and the mistakes born from it. Expect him to think your muse with executive dysfunction is lazy. To point out smell and filth if they are not able to keep up with their hygiene. Expect him to be confused by things like panic attacks, or to not understand one's deep-rooted anxieties.

In fact, Cyno himself has some degree of mental health problems that he is completely unaware of. And I've made him this way on purpose, because I remember the way I behaved about my own mental illness when I lived in a time where it was poorly understood. I downplayed it to personal flaws of mine that I should overcome.

You should expect this from any of my muses who live in a universe that is not as advanced as our real lifetime. My Mystic Messenger characters for example are more likely to be aware of these issues compared to, say, my Japanese feudal era demon lord character.

Why have I decided to go this route? Because I think mental health is important, and so is its history. I do not like the idea of pretending that the problems surrounding it and our understanding of mental illness never existed. These are stories that truly happened, and I want my readers to remember this, because it is by its mistakes that humankind has learned to be better. I want the ignorance of my muses to be a lesson, and a warning.

With that out of the way, I am making this post because the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable. If you think something like a negative or indifferent reaction to your muse's mental illness might be something too insensitive for you to handle, then please, please please refrain from bringing these topics to the table with my muses.

You can talk to me OOCly if you're unsure how my muses would respond to these topics as well. I don't like breaking character (or what I perceive to be in-character for my muse anyway), but I am open to discussion and compromise on the language used in my responses if it will help you be comfortable with my portrayal more. A solution can almost always be found.

This turned stupid long already, so I'll be back to draft mountain now. You be good and stay off my soda.

Saru-mun\\

[autisticlee]

seeing posts about what semiverbal means makes me confused still if that's me or not. I made post before and was told i'm not in replies. unless I didn't understand them right and i forget whst they said exactly. but I think they got upset I used the wrong word. I don't want to upset people. they said i'm more just intermittent speaking/speech loss or something like that because I probably talk more than semiverbals. (but do I? I don't know)

but that doesn't explain why it's so difficult for me to speak and make words and sentences and make sense and be understood. it's more than shutting down when overwhelmed. it'd hard before that.

I copy what others say. I make scripts and practice (and usually fail to follow them....😭) I use gestures to replace words. phone calls are a nightmare because no gestures and wrong words and i'm misunderstood every single time. figuring out how to ask questions is very hard so I never do and suffer when i need things. always have to think about how to say everything, even one word replies. my mouth betrays me a lot. words come out wrong. sentences have mixed up words. talking to strangers is impossible if I can even say any words to them. cant predict what they will say to make a script. they don't follow my scripts and my replies don't make sense. need other people with me to reply so I can copy and say the same things. people I know follow scripts easier because I predict them after studying them a long time. or we need to have the same conversation every time so I can reply the same or they talk and I listen and make noises to respond.

sometimes I have speech loss and can't speak at all. but it's always difficult. don't know how to tell if it's difficult as other people who are semiverbal or not as. I tried to explain this in a post before and struggled to explain. got replies telling me i'm not semiverbal but intermittent speech loss or something like that instead. because I said I can speak when I need to usually to people I know. speak easier to familiars than strangers because I can predict and script their speech. have to force myself to make phone calls when I need things and do it eventually (2+ years later.....haha...)

but I do struggle and everything is a script and needs to be practiced and am misunderstood most the time. everyone hears different words than I tried to say. i usually reply with few words instead of full sentences but I see posts saying these things are semiverbal too? but was told i'm not. so I don't know what I am.

talking hard. words hard. dumb brain can't even follow its own scripts correctly. conversations are impossible and I only listen and can't join. can't ask questions. can't get what I need. need others to speak for me so I can copy. no one follows my scripts so I don't make sense to them when i follow it.

but I don't want to step on toes and make actual semiverbal people upset by using that like i did that one time accidentally and was told im not. I rather have one word to describe it because ao it's easier. speech loss doesn't cover the struggle before the actual loss? but if I can't use semiverbal then i guess I have to say i am "difficulty talking and needs more time to say words but can still talk when needed (sometimes) and struggle to form sentences and need to follow script and copy people but tries their best to make sense so people don't get mad for not speaking, but too much struggle will also make brain shut down and cant talk at all then" many words but there doesn't seem to be one word to describe my struggle yet.

also what is stance on "selective mutism" I remember seeing autistic people say it's bad and don't use that. I was called that growing up (not by doctors but random people and I used it for a while) some say it's only used for official disorder/diagnosis so don't use it for casual. autistics on twitter told me not to and it means I select when I talk and to use shutdown instead. but maybe i can just say i'm selective mutism when trying to describe why i'm struggling to say words? instead of trying to use MORE words to describe my struggles 😭

am I even making sense???? I feel like this post doesn't make sense

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya

[justineps]

2023-2024 was the hardest, I almost didnt make it out because for the first time, I didnt bother to look around for hands or any reciprocations of help or guidance. I’ve been caring and relying on others for the first thirty years of my life, so I decided, that part of me needed to die. It had to. I did not know who I really was, what I felt, what to do with what I felt, is there a right or wrong? And it’s been two years, two lonely years, but I spent it all with no other than the person I definitely needed to, myself. No one when I was age 30 and earlier knows who I am, but I do. And as much as pain and suffering and even flashbacks of sobbing seeing nothing but pitch blackness surrounding me, especially when the person who gave you a chance to exist, ends up being the one to make you feel like its better off to not. Just writing this is .. honestly hard for me to do as memories and experiences of the past two years keep flooding my mind. I wish I was properly diagnosed with ADHD type: combined earlier in my life, because it explains a lot about me, and that specific type of ADHD is closely related to anxiety/depression disorder. In a sense, I was halfway diagnosed. I also had a feeling but dont want to get into it. I didn’t forcefully burn bridges with everyone, and in actuality, I hope that if I return to some bridges, some of those would still be there, but wont beat myself up if they were no where in sight anymore. Balance. Sacrifice. I cared for others so much up until 30 years old, even if it may seemed as if it were for selfish desires, it wasnt. I just really did not know how to express myself in a way for someone to understand me. Its been 2 years. 2 years. 2 years of being alone, not having someone to eat with, not having someone to talk to about an episode or movie I found amazing, which was the total complete opposite of what I was experiencing beforehand for the first time. I had never spent time with someone every single day of my life with someone so it was very raw and new to me, but Im sure on the other hand, it was an experience she was used to. We never really took time to try and understand each other, and sometimes I question if I really loved that person. And the simple answer to that was yes, deeply. It’s been two years, and the old me wouldve tried to go out and date or get my mind off things, but i realized id just be repeating the never ending cycle i always have been and would ultimately get me nowhere. Theres many things I wish I could say but I know many people would look at me the same despite not knowing where Ive been the last two years and it shows whenever someone reaches out (“You’re alive?! What the heck where have you been? “yes i am, barely made it but yes. Ive been.. i dont know and really hope you dont ever go there, but its nice to hear back from you too take care”) I’ve been writing in a journal, it helps me self reflect a lot and the main reason im not the same person I was two years ago, and despite whatever others may think, I feel like I am finally me, and although we live in the loneliest generation ever, I do hope one day someone or even someone I already know, sees me for who I have turned into, and if they are genuinely curious as to my past two years, I will simply hand them my journals and tell them I trust them enough to not feel any remorse for what I was going through, but moreso happiness and pride that I was able to, because in those journals, I sometimes even feel like Im reading a fictional book. My English teacher in highschool was right, I cant speak what I feel and want to, but if someones takes the time to read and listen to what I have to say, not how I say it, but the words and meanings of what I said, then they’ll be able to be one of the firsts to not see me as misunderstood. I’ll never forget when someone randomly went up to me, smelling like liquor, and told me “You know you’re just really misunderstood, but dont worry so much!” And he went off to the dance floor and acted like the fool he happily was.

Theres so many things I want to say, but I have to just move forward, it hurt when thinking my dream as a kid is most likely not going to happen at this point, but i take full accountability for where i am today, and where I end up after this.

Love,

JS

i been pulling myself out of dark places alone since i was a child. i’m built for anything