#(storytime)

[justcallmedom31]

Ig it's Storytime with Dom now @not-so-local-lesbian lol Where do I begin. Hm. I really don't know how to start but basically, two bandits broke into my family home last week, and now i'm recovering from trauma 👍 Now for the long story. For context first. My grandparents built a home here where I live, that's in the Philippines. Locals call it, the Engineer's House, for the sole fact that my late grandfather was a mechanical engineer, who designed and built the home himself before he passed away 8 years ago. There's swimming pool, a pond, a farm, and a lot of mango trees. 80 Mango Trees to be exact. Quite proud of them heh. I am set to inherit the land in a couple years or so. I forgot how large the lot is exactly, but it's enough to fit a couple basketball courts within heh. Last week, two bandits broke into it. Thank gosh, my family and I weren't there at the time, as we were in Quezon City, hanging out with my two aunts from Australia who were visiting. How did we know the broke in? They were caught by my mother's CCTV she installed in the living room. At 2:28 AM, my mother was notified by the motion sensor, to which thankfully she was awake at the time, talking with one of my aunts. At first she thought it was a spider, but upon closer look. There was a man going down the stairs. She originally thought it was ghost, but looked closer to find that they were indeed, bandits. Two Bandits. their faces were covered. So, my mum panicked, and my aunt. my other aunt woke up to the panics, and also panicked herself. I woke up around the time they realized two people broke in, and rushed to call our relatives who lived nearby. Thankfully, we managed to wake up one of my aunts who lived in the same barangay (that's sorta like a village ig). Her husband went in with a flashlight which managed to scare away the bandits. and boy, was it a mess inside. And yeah, that's what happened. My family had to pack to drive all the way there to investigate what happened and clean up the mess inside. While we drove, which took 6 hours, the police were notified of the incident and investigated the crime. I won't go into too much detail from what happened when we arrived, but from what I could tell of investigating it myself, the two bandits were spying on the home from the mango trees outside. around late night, they made their way in over the fence, and up to the third floor balcony, through which is where they broke in. they searched through everything on the second floor. Only thing they could find that looked valuable was my late great-grandmother's bag of old coins and a few bags. When my relatives scared em, the only thing they managed to steal was two. fucking. bags. TWO. BAGS. OUT OF EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE. OUT OF THE VASES AND TECH. THEY ONLY MANAGED TO STEAL TWO FUCKING BAGS. I'M NOT BLOODY JOKINGG what's even funnier, is when they were inside our home, they fucking drank water in the kitchen and even popped out some of the ice, and wine. Oh yeah, and they also saw the cctv and managed to take it out, but THEY DROPPED IT OUTSIDE THE HOME. ALONG WITH THE BAG OF COINS LIKE WHAT?? HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE?? The coins date back all the way to 1972, so i understand they can't really be used... BUT LIKE, THEY STILL HAVE VALUE??? WHY WWOULD YOU DROP SO MUCH ON THE GROUND?? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DROP EVERYTHING??? It's a good thing at least, that they dropped them. BUT WHYYY???? AND ALSO GET THIS. THEY LEFT THEIR FUCKING TOOLS INSIDE. EVERYTHING. AND THEIR FINGERPRINTS. AND SANDALS. AND EVEN HOODIES. THEY'RE SO STUPID LMAOO So, yeah, there's my story. it was really traumatizing knowing i could have been there that day. and. i could have died. Because they had weapons when they broke in. the weapons were discovered to have been hidden under the bed. But yeah anyways, theres storytime for today. i'm going to be fine too dw, i can walk it off :PP

[silvermoon424]

It's so fucking funny how many people who owned Furbies as children ended up being traumatized by them in some way

[xiaq]

Overheard at the thrift store:

“Stop trying to hold my hand, people are going to think we’re lesbians.”

“We are lesbians.”

“Yeah but not with each other.”

“Ok, but we’re still—god, why are you so stupid?”

“Dunno. Why do you want to hold hands with a stupid person?”

“I don’t.”

“Evidence to the contrary.”

(Mocking voice) “Oooh evidence to the contrary.” (Normal voice) “such a fuckin’ smartass.”

“Oh I’m smart, now? Thought I was stupid”

*Slap fight ensues*

Anyway, I hope they figure out they’re in love soon.

[kinda-indecisive]

My grandma passed away from ALS a few years ago, but before she did my family and I were her caregivers.

One Easter she was kinda down in the dumps and my sister teased her saying, "Grandma, let me sprinkle some confetti in your hair so the family thinks I broke a cascarone on your head."

My grandma agreed IMMEDIATELY, with a big smile on her face.

The family was outside preparing barbeque, so it was just my mom, my sister, my grandma and I in on the joke. When we took her out in the wheelchair and everyone started to process the guilty look my sister put on and the confetti in my grandma's hair, they all looked horrified that my sister would do such a thing to her poor, sick ol' grandma, they literally looked like this -> :O

In truth, it was my grandma who pranked their butts!

Apparently collecting empty eggshells, coloring them, filling them with confetti and then cracking them over eachother's heads isn't something everyone does during easter...........we used to find confetti in our hair for days after

[uwudonoodle]

Storytime: My brother Dave used to manage a Little Ceasars, and he hated it. So when my mom asked him what he wanted on his birthday cake, he jokingly said the Little Ceasars guy being stabbed with his own spear. My mom, who doesn't always get sarcasm, didn't even question it. She lovingly made him exactly what he asked for. It's my favorite cake ever.

Happy Ides of March to Ceasar getting stabbed!

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.

[batshit-auspol]

As a holdover from when churches used to run schools, many states in Australia legislate that the local church can come into schools to teach religion classes for an hour each week.

These 'scripture teacher' roles generally do not require any formal education training, and can be filled by just about any random off the street, which means that for one class a week Australian students are subjected to some of the most unhinged people on earth teaching them all kinds of made up stuff with zero supervision.

Aussies: This is a free thread to reply with the stories of the funniest things your scripture teachers said or did when you were a kid.

[ilikeloons]

Alright bird nerds, buckle up. It's profile picture lore time.

This is an 'I'iwi (ee-EE-vee) or a Scarlet Honeycreeper. They are endemic only to the Hawaiian Islands and high high altitudes. Although they will sometimes head further down to forage for food, which is flower nectar (unsurprising after peeping that beak). They are in the same family as the American gold Finch and Pine Siskin - which is a fact that blew my mind.

They are at risk from mammal introduction to the islands and avian pox/malaria and scarce food. The 'ōhi'a tree, one of their main food sources, is similarly vulnerable from a fungus that can kill a tree in a matter of days.

This 'I'iwi was photographed at Hosmer Grove in Haleakalā National Park. We were able to watch them for a few hours before heading up to the summit. I had gotten a few of the photos below, but not up close shots. On our way back down the volcano, I asked my boyfriend if he minded stopping for an extra 20 mins to see if I could get a closer picture. Right as I walked into the grove I got this shot.

Few others from the same day:

[ser0star]

Thinking about the one time in 5th grade, I confidently told the class that PEMDAS stood for ‘Please Excuse My Dope Ass Swag’ and got in trouble. I saw it online and thought that’s what it actually meant.

[taffywabbit]

a bunch of my computer parts came with super bright gamer RGBs all over them (not by choice - the models with lights just happened to be better deals) and my case has a glass side panel, so when I first brought it home and set it up, I had to spend like 2 hours downloading and configuring several different programs to turn them all off (because no single app seemed to be able to control all the components at once).

in the end, the only light I left on was on the side of my GPU, and I set it to be a soft dark purple that would slide across the length of the GPU like a marquee every few seconds - nothing that'd disturb my sleep if my computer happened to wake itself up in a dark room, but enough to look cool and give me a visual indicator that the PC was turned on.

anyways sometimes I guess the driver that controls that specific component's RGBs just... crashes? for absolutely no reason? and the result is that it defaults to an intense, solid red that harshly illuminates my whole case and the area around it. every time this happens I cannot shake the immediate, instinctive fear that my computer has turned evil and is going to kill me. like oh god oh fuck it knows I ""fixed"" one of its CPU cooler fans by scotch-taping it in place so it would stop spinning unevenly and screeching at me, and now it's waiting for its chance to strike and claim ultimate revenge

[bluecatwriter]

I've been rereading some of my old travel diaries from my early 20's, and one of them seriously reads like a slow-burn fanfic. I was on tour with a small indie band and there was a cute guy my age traveling with the band. And we spent two weeks "accidentally" hanging out and sitting close to each other at the merch table in smoky bars and reading Tolkien poetry to each other and taking walks at the beach and sharing food and stargazing and sleeping next to each other on living room floors and giving each other back rubs and talking late into the night gazing into each other's eyes.

We never kissed. We never even held hands. I pretended to fall asleep on his shoulder once in the car, and one day I gave him a little kiss on the cheek. And that was it. We said goodbye two weeks later and we both thought it was forever and I pined so hard that I threw up.

A month later he sent me an apologetic letter saying that he was sorry for being so presumptuous when I clearly had no romantic interest in him, but that he had to be honest that he was in love with me. And I was like, "What?! He was in love with me this whole time???"

So yeah, we're married now (celebrated ten years last autumn) but if you're ever wondering if your slow-burn fic is too slow, or that your characters are too oblivious, just remember me and my now-spouse mutually pining over each other every single second of the day for two weeks without ever saying a word to each other about how we felt. I was reading my own diary yelling, "JUST KISS HIM ALREADY!"

[thatsthat24]

Narrating People’s Lives: The Saga Continues 🎃 (Felt like making a sequel to one of my favorites)

[xiaq]

Charming interaction of the day:

There’s a construction zone around the corner that we pass regularly when walking to and from the house. There are several women on the crew, most of whom are virtually indistinguishable from the men folks from a distance. But there are a couple who really lean into feminine-coded floral shirts/pants/pink hardhats, etc.

As I walked past today, there was a woman who couldn’t have been over 25 who looked like contractor Barbie. Like picture a Latina Tinkerbell with a tool belt and purple work boots absolutely covered in sawdust, explaining something to a man who was likely twice her age and easily twice her size.

“Oh, no no no,” she said, as I walked by, gesturing to something on the tablet they were looking at, “don’t be silly! We’ll just [insert jargon I did not follow here]. It’ll be so much easier.”

After a moment’s consideration he said, gruff but earnest. “You’re right. That’s much less…silly.”

She gave him a little pat on the elbow, probably because that was the highest thing she could reach, and off they went.

Delightful.

[beechfruit]

So in my class we name our glue sticks to stop the kids losing or mistreating them - they're much less likely to lose a glue lid if you're shouting "oh no, Alfred's been decapitated". It's fun.

Now, I'm a big batfam girlie ✨ so naturally I named all our glues after these characters. We have Richard and Bruce and Stephanie and Barbara etc. you see the point.

Recently, the first glue stick ran out. It had to go in the bin so unfortunately it "died", and you'll never guess which glue stick was the first to die...

It was Jason.

You could not conceive the sound I made as I had to throw Jason in the bin as all the children shouted things like "Jason's dead" and "noooo Jason!"

Worst things worse, I couldn't even explain how ironic that was that Jason, the second robin, was the first glue to go!

[sivavakkiyar]

John Cage, A Year From Monday