#(storytime)

[heartshapedcreaturefromcriptoon]

... Someone tell me why my bitch ass "Christian Wiccan" half niece who's two years younger than me, married, and lives on a pig farm gets to be the one to call my father "papa" and thinks she can get on video chat with my two other fuck ass half siblings while I'm still in the house and in ear shot, right next her... Because she " Just wanted to speak to her 'papa' on Christmas! UWU" and thought that I wouldn't call her out on her bullshit when the last time she texted me, personally, it was to tell me to "never speak to her again" and that I was "so mean" for suggesting she was independent enough to cut ties with both her antivaxxier parents if she wanted a functioning relationship with me and after discovering her own father had a collection of literal nazi shit in his house on top of being anti vaxx, after me and my father were the only ones in the family to make the 4hour drive upstate for her wedding reception her own 'papa' was so proud of how quickly I realized I hated my eldest half brother and wanted to bail ...And then while explaining that I got saucy and told her how her 'papa' couldn't even remember her own name the other day and called her 'Tiffany' and she wouldn't stop passively aggressively buzzing my phone with little reaction emoji despite claiming how "done" she was with my arguments and complaining how she got COVID from her own wedding reception her family also had us drive 4hours to so I finally just say basically that what she gets for not just cutting off her neo nazi, antivaxxer parents when she knows she has all the means and privilege to so I tell "Tiffany" to stop buzzing my phone and me quiet, and then pretty much right the fuck after she sends that last text telling me how mean I am and how I'm to never speak to her again, I immediately receive another, completely unhinged, unprompted, all caps text from this girls psycho, antivaxxer, neo nazi fucker mother (despite the fact I'd been waiting to have That Big Cut Off Conversation with her parents until I at least had worn my niece about it first and so the last time I talked with my 'Big Sissy In-Law' /her Fuckass name for her title, not mine/ it was to tell me how much she missed me and loved me and how much she couldn't wait for us to make the 4hour drive up there so her and her fuck ass husband who she compared to lord farquaad from shrek could give my birthday gifts I never ended up accepting, which yes I had to skip out on having a 30th birthday celebration in order to be able to afford attending the wedding reception my niece was having the same month, and yes we did up getting into our last fight because she immediately assumed I was shallow enough to want all of the gifts I sent her back and money, and that I shouldn't have been upset about her parents being anti vaxxer nazis at all ... Thanks for asking/) that read basically: "NEVER CONTACT MYSELF, MY HUSBAND, OR MY DAUGHTER AGAIN, YOU JUDGEMENTAL LITTLE BRAT!!!!!!!!!"

... But yes, tell me why after all that I had the smartphone snatched away from me with my fuck ass little bitch ass Rose Armitage Amanda Palmer Ass White Witch who Still makes Harry Potter References in 2024 (because her antivaxxer, neo nazi fucker mom is most likely also a TERF) Poser Ass Little Snitch Ass Niece Smiling Smugly in my face after trying to speak to me again while pretending those last two text exchanges never happened between us because she apparently forgot to inform my fuck ass half sister, who've I've also disowned with all my spirit, about the new boundary that her and her and her side of her family had imposed upon me, after all the creepy grooming and single bout of verbal and capslock abuse they had subjected me to for over a year after intending to become my new caregivers entirely behind my own families back... And I was just trying to give her an unfriendly fucking reminder that our new 'NO CONTACT' RULE that she namely went and snitched on me and got her typhoid mother to cement and established for us, goes both ways, but that's just like how my estranged Big Brother used his unhinged wife and daughter to get to me, so the cycle continues, I guess ...

Awh, Tiffany The Tiny Snitch wants to speak to her "Papa"? Then she can do it when "Papa"'s Actual Daughter doesn't live in the house that her backwards ass, Mason Verger ass family came down here to announce they were already preparing to try and take her away from LAST CHRISTMAS because "We know that 'PAPA' is Aging Out TM and we don't want you to End Up In A Group Home Again so we've already been planning to Take You In TM along with the small group of African Children I'm personally planning on adopting for myself and my husband and I hope you don't mind not knowing about our 'Secret Plan' we've been making for you to live with my mom and dads antivaxxer asses for the rest of your life behind your and you had absolutely no say in it and we still don't want you to tell PAPA yet for Some Reason but I guess that just means that ur super obligated to come to my Wedding Reception now especially since we've just waltz in announced to you secret how you'll be Living With Us after PAPA passes and we won't be taking know for an answer even tho you're pretty sure you haven't actually SEEN any of us since I was 8 and were 10... UWU Hey 'PAPA' do u want any of my bougie banana weed? No? UWU OKAY BYE AUNTIE SEE AT MY WEDDING RECEPTION I SWEAR MY PARENTS TOTALLY AREN'T ANTI VAXXER NEO NAZI TERF ASS MONSTERS! UWU TEEHEEHEE!!!! :D"

And it's like bitch you think your 'Papa' wants to talk to you? What makes you think his and your parents backwards ass universes revolved around anything other me, again like your 'Papa' didn't personally drive me home again for four hours and allowing me 200 dollars in basically made up birthday money because of how hard it was realizing I had to disown my brother, your actual dad, and basically you, by extension, for being a willing enabler? Ruining both my Christmases with that shit... literal sickos.

So yeah after she thought she could hop on and off the phone with that fake shit and have everyone apologize on my behalf like I ruined the holiday, I sent her one final text basically reminding her again, how we'd be heeding the rule that she had her own mother enforced upon me very seriously, which basically also meant that, she was also never to contact me, her "Papa", anyone who lives in MY house, or use any one else's phones to try and contact anyone who lives here while I still lived here and was in ear shot to hear it happening EVER again, or there would be problems. I also told her that if she or anyone in her family ever tried to bring their typhoid asses down here and touch me or my things and play all nicey cutie to me or anyone else's faces when (practically) everyone claims to be on my side and knows what happened, but her and her family continues to pretend like nothing happen and that those text messages were never exchanged and that she and her mother didn't set those boundaries for us again then she, her mother, and her father would be receiving a personal masked up ass beating from me, one right after the other.

My niece had tumblr, by the way... But she literally only ever used it to post F.R.I.E.N.D.S and Nutella and it was really sad.

My niece also has a TIKTOK, which she features her own parents in frequently and I am thinking about taking this there when I have the Spoons and if the wheelchair user hating algorithm doesn't eat me up.

... Every person in my family is Fake and thinks they can dish it but never take it I swear to god.

And yeah, White People who have Pet Names (because that's what they are) for their grandparents.... are perverted and gross.

(And my dad should've probably never introduced me to the "brother" who was also old enough to be my dad and made me cry meeting my niece because I was too young to be an aunt and thus fucked up how I feel about age dynamics in relationships forever...

Case and point every time I see someone call Ron Perlman a "grandpa" I'm like ... That is my DILF who gave me my kinks... The fuck are you talking about?

... By contrast I was going to make a joke about Jeremy Irons being a grandpa because for some reason I thought he must've been 90something with the he looks by now, but I've also been watching a lot of the OG DARK SHADOWS and I guess that's what Being British does to you...

Call Russell Brand a Grandpa, Niel Gaiman, I don't know...

"Grandpa" is a Slur that should be reserved for the worst of them and if you actually take me saying that literally, that's on you... But yes, I do realize that My Experiences are Not Universal ...

Though next time some bitch ass tiny bean witch comes into my house, calls my own father "Papa" and starts insinuating that he's too old to take care of me anymore while completely ignoring my mothers existence and going back and forth peddling "home made" skin care products and bitch ass banana weed to my father and divulging "An Escape Plan" to me behind his back because her fuckass neo nazi daddy told her to? Again, people are going to going to get their ass beat is what I'm saying ....)

THIS IS KILLING ME

[trina-makes-an-entrance]

throwback to that one time I was in P.E. and the teacher let us do whatever the fuck we wanted so most of my classmates were playing football outside bc they are all basic bitches,so me and my friends went inside the gym and tried to connect my friends phone to the speaker but it randomly connected to one random phone, and then a very obscure, ominous melody fills the whole ass gym and then

"mercy...? Mercy??!??"

And my friends are horryfide because it sounds like people is getting violently mass-murdered and

"My mercy's long since gone... It died to bring me home"

And at this point I'm like oh shit it connected to my phone that was outside the fucking gym because I was listening to the Ithaca Saga omw to school and I had to fucking sprint to get it and stop it before our teacher started questioning what the fuck we were listening to

[traegorn]

Cause and Effect

[silvermoon424]

It's so fucking funny how many people who owned Furbies as children ended up being traumatized by them in some way

[thingsthatmakemefeelhappy]

Happy cry

This is so gay my heart might just burst

[xiaq]

Overheard at the thrift store:

“Stop trying to hold my hand, people are going to think we’re lesbians.”

“We are lesbians.”

“Yeah but not with each other.”

“Ok, but we’re still—god, why are you so stupid?”

“Dunno. Why do you want to hold hands with a stupid person?”

“I don’t.”

“Evidence to the contrary.”

(Mocking voice) “Oooh evidence to the contrary.” (Normal voice) “such a fuckin’ smartass.”

“Oh I’m smart, now? Thought I was stupid”

*Slap fight ensues*

Anyway, I hope they figure out they’re in love soon.

[uwudonoodle]

Storytime: My brother Dave used to manage a Little Ceasars, and he hated it. So when my mom asked him what he wanted on his birthday cake, he jokingly said the Little Ceasars guy being stabbed with his own spear. My mom, who doesn't always get sarcasm, didn't even question it. She lovingly made him exactly what he asked for. It's my favorite cake ever.

Happy Ides of March to Ceasar getting stabbed!

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.

[batshit-auspol]

As a holdover from when churches used to run schools, many states in Australia legislate that the local church can come into schools to teach religion classes for an hour each week.

These 'scripture teacher' roles generally do not require any formal education training, and can be filled by just about any random off the street, which means that for one class a week Australian students are subjected to some of the most unhinged people on earth teaching them all kinds of made up stuff with zero supervision.

Aussies: This is a free thread to reply with the stories of the funniest things your scripture teachers said or did when you were a kid.

[taffywabbit]

a bunch of my computer parts came with super bright gamer RGBs all over them (not by choice - the models with lights just happened to be better deals) and my case has a glass side panel, so when I first brought it home and set it up, I had to spend like 2 hours downloading and configuring several different programs to turn them all off (because no single app seemed to be able to control all the components at once).

in the end, the only light I left on was on the side of my GPU, and I set it to be a soft dark purple that would slide across the length of the GPU like a marquee every few seconds - nothing that'd disturb my sleep if my computer happened to wake itself up in a dark room, but enough to look cool and give me a visual indicator that the PC was turned on.

anyways sometimes I guess the driver that controls that specific component's RGBs just... crashes? for absolutely no reason? and the result is that it defaults to an intense, solid red that harshly illuminates my whole case and the area around it. every time this happens I cannot shake the immediate, instinctive fear that my computer has turned evil and is going to kill me. like oh god oh fuck it knows I ""fixed"" one of its CPU cooler fans by scotch-taping it in place so it would stop spinning unevenly and screeching at me, and now it's waiting for its chance to strike and claim ultimate revenge

[sirswooshnoodles]

What a wholesome story

[psychologicalwarclaire]

Storytime!

When I was getting tested for autism the evaluator asked me why I suspected I was autistic. I said that among other things, I heavily related to characters who were implied or confirmed to be on the spectrum. He said, "Oh, like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory?"

I looked this man dead in the eyes and said, "No. Donatello the ninja turtle from the 2018 Nickelodeon series Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

He wrote something down.

[bluecatwriter]

I've been rereading some of my old travel diaries from my early 20's, and one of them seriously reads like a slow-burn fanfic. I was on tour with a small indie band and there was a cute guy my age traveling with the band. And we spent two weeks "accidentally" hanging out and sitting close to each other at the merch table in smoky bars and reading Tolkien poetry to each other and taking walks at the beach and sharing food and stargazing and sleeping next to each other on living room floors and giving each other back rubs and talking late into the night gazing into each other's eyes.

We never kissed. We never even held hands. I pretended to fall asleep on his shoulder once in the car, and one day I gave him a little kiss on the cheek. And that was it. We said goodbye two weeks later and we both thought it was forever and I pined so hard that I threw up.

A month later he sent me an apologetic letter saying that he was sorry for being so presumptuous when I clearly had no romantic interest in him, but that he had to be honest that he was in love with me. And I was like, "What?! He was in love with me this whole time???"

So yeah, we're married now (celebrated ten years last autumn) but if you're ever wondering if your slow-burn fic is too slow, or that your characters are too oblivious, just remember me and my now-spouse mutually pining over each other every single second of the day for two weeks without ever saying a word to each other about how we felt. I was reading my own diary yelling, "JUST KISS HIM ALREADY!"

[oceannocturne]

I had a history teacher who kept a metal colander in the classroom. It was the bathroom pass.

i think the key to being a successful classroom teacher is having an ordinary classroom material (eg pen, highlighter, book) but in a really and truly ridiculous size and using it regularly without comment. nothing both throws off and enchants a student of any age than more than walking up to your desk to ask you a question and pausing with baffled uncertainty as they see you grading papers with a pen so large you cannot actually hold it the way you would normally hold a writing utensil. there is a brief moment as they look at you where you are able to raise an eyebrow and go "yes?" while acting like absolutely nothing is odd about the fact that you are currently writing with a multicolor my little pony pen that is half the girth of your forearm and in that moment you hold the most power in the entire school. use it wisely

[thatsthat24]

Narrating People’s Lives: The Saga Continues 🎃 (Felt like making a sequel to one of my favorites)