#(storytime)

[electricalhuzzah]

sometimes i think about the time i told my friend about my eight-fingered grandpa (total, not per hand) and she gravely misinterpreted it as a too-many-fingers type thing.

she got this really far off look in her eye and i was like “whats up?” and she looks me dead in my fucking eyes and goes “your grandmother is a lucky woman.”

i proceeded to ask her what the fuck she could possibly mean by that, thirsting over my actual god damn grandfather who lost two fingers to a table saw. and she then proceeds to reference stanford goddamn pines. so i say to her (pretending to be Very Average™️) that’s a strange detail to remember about a cartoon we all watched while we were children, and furthermore, a strange character to thirst over (i am the king of deceit).

my good friend then proceeded to blame some “friends” who were “talking about gravity falls resurgence in the group chat.” i fully did not believe her, but i pretended that i bought it and we have not spoken of it since.

anyways, lexi if you see this i know what you fucking are.

[sparrowmp4]

HUA CHENG

(+crazy story that I wouldn't believe happened if my friend hadn't been there with me)

A friend was visiting Berlin, so I invited her to make bracelets together. After contemplating for a while, I chose to create matching Hua Cheng bracelets for my girlfriend and I!

Once we finished, we wanted to grab something to eat, so we headed into the metro. As we entered, there was a middle-aged guy who started laughing to himself (Average Berlin moment).

I didn’t pay him much mind until he rummaged through his bag and handed me something – it was a Hua Cheng pin?!?!! It looks self made too??? I think he was wearing a potato sack and had a unicorn bag, what a goat holy shit.

Huge coincidence- I didn’t have anything on me that indicated I liked TGCF btw so I was thoroughly stunned. I couldn’t just take things without giving anything back so I gave him a Chinese luck charm

(Besides that he also told my friend to use vinegar for her acne, erm that’s a bit crazy ngl.)

Might’ve met god or something/j

[silvermoon424]

It's so fucking funny how many people who owned Furbies as children ended up being traumatized by them in some way

[uwudonoodle]

Storytime: My brother Dave used to manage a Little Ceasars, and he hated it. So when my mom asked him what he wanted on his birthday cake, he jokingly said the Little Ceasars guy being stabbed with his own spear. My mom, who doesn't always get sarcasm, didn't even question it. She lovingly made him exactly what he asked for. It's my favorite cake ever.

Happy Ides of March to Ceasar getting stabbed!

[foldingfittedsheets]

Since everyone seems to love my sex shop stories, here’s another one.

Phone calls were literally a game for us. Not all phone calls, but there was a specific brand of call where guys would creep on us. 90% of the workforce at the sex shops was women. So we’d get dudes calling jacking off or trying to get their jollies from us.

The game: make them hang up. We could have hung up. On a few occasions I did, but for the most part we made a sport out of getting creeps to go flaccid. It really depended on a caller.

You couldn’t just go in for belittling them straight off- some guys wanted that. You had to tailor your strategy to the perv. Overall it was pretty fun and it turned an aspect of the job that could’ve become a major bummer into a fun sport. We’d get excited when the phones rang.

So one day the phone rings. I pick up and it was very clearly a young teen who was putting on a deep voice. I was utterly delighted, I’d never had a crank call before. He said, “I have a dildo emergency! Can you deliver 5 boxes of dildos to my home?!”

It took everything in me not to crack in that moment. It was so funny. It was like three kids had walked through the door in a trench coat and the phrase “dildo emergency” was one of the funniest things I’d ever heard.

But I kept it together. In smooth customer service tones I replied, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear you’re having an emergency, but due to the nature of our product we do require people to come pick it up themselves.”

The caller audibly deflated. Some of the deep voice he was putting on bled away when he said plaintively, “But it’s an emergency…”

“I’m sorry, sir, rules are rules.”

He hung up. I burst out laughing and told my coworker what had happened. She said, “I will buy you lunch if you call back and pretend you can deliver something.”

This sounded like an all around win for me, and the kid hadn’t used anything to block his number. So I called back.

“Hello!” This was before caller ID was common for home phones and so he picked up in his totally normal voice, several octaves higher than before.

“Hello, I’m calling regarding your dildo emergency?”

“Oh! Hem hem,” he coughed, getting his voice back into character for me. “Yes! The emergency!”

“Well I’ve spoken to my manager and it’s your lucky day. We’ll be able to make a delivery after all. Five boxes you said? We can swing it by later, we’ll just need your name, address, and credit card number.”

He was thrown by needing to provide info and was silent for a moment then said, “Well how much is it for five boxes?”

“About five hundred dollars, sir.”

He slipped out of his character voice to exclaim, “Five hundred dollars?! What kind of dildos are they?!”

“Just standard six inches with balls, sir.”

This was his breaking point. He started wheezing with laughter trying to repeat the phrase “six inches with balls” incoherently.

“So your address and card info?”

He hung up and I broke down laughing too. We both got a kick out of it, and I won the game twice in one day.

[pathos-logical]

[ID: Cropped tags that say, "minecraft and hypixel #and talk to them like normal people. like why cant you stand in your canoe? because if you split your head open on the dok #you'l have to go to the hospital and your parents will be pissed at us and we'l nave to do a bunch of paperwork #so yeah for everyone's sake sit down #im". End ID]

Best attribute you can have working with kids is chillness. You can and should still enforce rules and expectations, but kids pick up massively on vibes and if you are chill, you become a dam to unchillness

[batshit-auspol]

As a holdover from when churches used to run schools, many states in Australia legislate that the local church can come into schools to teach religion classes for an hour each week.

These 'scripture teacher' roles generally do not require any formal education training, and can be filled by just about any random off the street, which means that for one class a week Australian students are subjected to some of the most unhinged people on earth teaching them all kinds of made up stuff with zero supervision.

Aussies: This is a free thread to reply with the stories of the funniest things your scripture teachers said or did when you were a kid.

[taffywabbit]

a bunch of my computer parts came with super bright gamer RGBs all over them (not by choice - the models with lights just happened to be better deals) and my case has a glass side panel, so when I first brought it home and set it up, I had to spend like 2 hours downloading and configuring several different programs to turn them all off (because no single app seemed to be able to control all the components at once).

in the end, the only light I left on was on the side of my GPU, and I set it to be a soft dark purple that would slide across the length of the GPU like a marquee every few seconds - nothing that'd disturb my sleep if my computer happened to wake itself up in a dark room, but enough to look cool and give me a visual indicator that the PC was turned on.

anyways sometimes I guess the driver that controls that specific component's RGBs just... crashes? for absolutely no reason? and the result is that it defaults to an intense, solid red that harshly illuminates my whole case and the area around it. every time this happens I cannot shake the immediate, instinctive fear that my computer has turned evil and is going to kill me. like oh god oh fuck it knows I ""fixed"" one of its CPU cooler fans by scotch-taping it in place so it would stop spinning unevenly and screeching at me, and now it's waiting for its chance to strike and claim ultimate revenge

[bluecatwriter]

I've been rereading some of my old travel diaries from my early 20's, and one of them seriously reads like a slow-burn fanfic. I was on tour with a small indie band and there was a cute guy my age traveling with the band. And we spent two weeks "accidentally" hanging out and sitting close to each other at the merch table in smoky bars and reading Tolkien poetry to each other and taking walks at the beach and sharing food and stargazing and sleeping next to each other on living room floors and giving each other back rubs and talking late into the night gazing into each other's eyes.

We never kissed. We never even held hands. I pretended to fall asleep on his shoulder once in the car, and one day I gave him a little kiss on the cheek. And that was it. We said goodbye two weeks later and we both thought it was forever and I pined so hard that I threw up.

A month later he sent me an apologetic letter saying that he was sorry for being so presumptuous when I clearly had no romantic interest in him, but that he had to be honest that he was in love with me. And I was like, "What?! He was in love with me this whole time???"

So yeah, we're married now (celebrated ten years last autumn) but if you're ever wondering if your slow-burn fic is too slow, or that your characters are too oblivious, just remember me and my now-spouse mutually pining over each other every single second of the day for two weeks without ever saying a word to each other about how we felt. I was reading my own diary yelling, "JUST KISS HIM ALREADY!"

[thatdisasterauthor]

My dad is the kind of guy who just takes care of the whole neighborhood because they are, mostly, retirees he’s known a good chunk of his life if not his whole life. Snowblows after storms, brings their trashcans in, keeps an eye on their houses, does handyman jobs, etc.. HOWEVER. A young couple moved in next to my dad about a year ago, and they’ve got a little near-toddler, and my dad is just flabbergasted by them, and it is hilarious.

After the last storm he went out and cleared their driveway and sidewalks and in return they baked him a loaf of raspberry banana bread, and with it they included a stickynote with allergy information. To which my dad called me and said, in the most baffled voice, “Katy, I drink creek water, what the fuck do I need allergy information for?”

I’m sorry the neighbors don’t know you’re half feral, sir. Just enjoy your bread.

(He did happily take the bread and said it’s the best bread he’s ever had.)

[thatsthat24]

Narrating People’s Lives: The Saga Continues 🎃 (Felt like making a sequel to one of my favorites)

[antikittysocial]

wow- I did one floor solo as shrimpo and then died (there were three other people playing with me that somehow died before I did. there was no distractor. BUT 5 FLOORS?? :O)

(I forgot to draw this) "well... as I'm a robot, transmitting signals and wavelengths-"

[beechfruit]

So in my class we name our glue sticks to stop the kids losing or mistreating them - they're much less likely to lose a glue lid if you're shouting "oh no, Alfred's been decapitated". It's fun.

Now, I'm a big batfam girlie ✨ so naturally I named all our glues after these characters. We have Richard and Bruce and Stephanie and Barbara etc. you see the point.

Recently, the first glue stick ran out. It had to go in the bin so unfortunately it "died", and you'll never guess which glue stick was the first to die...

It was Jason.

You could not conceive the sound I made as I had to throw Jason in the bin as all the children shouted things like "Jason's dead" and "noooo Jason!"

Worst things worse, I couldn't even explain how ironic that was that Jason, the second robin, was the first glue to go!

[sliceoflifebear]

Ok so I got this thing while getting discount candy and just look at it!!!

This looks stupid…so I bought it because IM A RESPONSIBLE CONSUMER!!! Let’s open it.

HOW TO EGG??!!

Ok so rock but also slime and also foam. I did not plan for this.

Slime and bones. Like I am back in the 90s

Fluffy foam and bones.

Time to crack open a hard one with the boys

Holy hell

I swear it’s not drugs

We can rebuild it, we have the technology

Meet my child Stevphen!

[thehmn]

I love people who never smile which make them seem kinda mean or disinterested in you but in reality they’re big softies.

I used to work as a cleaner at a paint shop. The boss was this middle aged man who never smiled and only ever talked to me when he wanted to correct me or show me a mistake I made. Not in a mean way and I much prefer people point out mistakes I’ve made to me instead of complaining to my boss later, but it did give me the impression he wasn’t fond of me.

Two years into the job they decided to merge with another paint shop and I assumed I had to look for other employment but it turned out the boss made sure everyone got to keep their jobs including me. “They can’t fire you” he told me “I extended the contract another year last week. You’re safe”

The only person who lost their job in the merge was him but he secured everyone else on his way out, even the cleaner who only showed up once a week.

[antikittysocial]

(tw suicide)

'cosmo's solo run' HELP I HAVE AN RP WHERE HE GOES ON A SOLO RUN AND KILLS HIMSELF WHAT?? COINCIDENCES

I tried to draw ALL of em from memory-

Commons and uncommons:

Rares and Mains

(+ Connie)

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MOREE DOODLES‼️💢‼️💥‼️

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Huh?

Oh RIGHT, I have a little announcement?

I'm making a DsW (Dandy's World) comic called:

Cosmo's "Solo" Run

Which part 1 will come out on... uh..

December...? Yeah, somewhere in December lol.