#(growing up into the appropriate gendered role)

[agnesandhilda]

one of these days I'm gonna completely lose it and write about how blue lock's shounen genre misogyny (which isn't to say that it gets a pass because the shounen genre is known for being misogynistic. blue lock is worse than average in this regard. blue lock's very premise is built on misogyny in a way I don't think has been analyzed enough even by people who are aware of the real-world women's football it totally disregards) and accompanying shounen genre-typical totalizing ideal of masculinity result in giving the different play positions the characters have notable gendered connotations, mostly by accident

[mad-scientist-enthusiast]

Yor Forger- Character Analysis

I think Yor is such a fascinating character. For one, she has a very unique relationship with femininity. Growing up, Yor had to be "the strong one" and look after her brother in the absence of their parents, and this led her to becoming an assassin so she could provide for him. But even without the Garden, Yor has always been physically strong, blunt, and brutal. Her upbringing didn't allow for the same societal socialization as most girls her age had, which also plays a role here. Despite this, Yor makes a great effort to present as formal and as feminine as possible. And to her credit, she does hit all the hallmarks there. She dresses the right way, has a formal manner of speaking, works in a stereotypically feminine occupation as her day job, and goes out with her coworkers when invited; yet her coworkers, and presumably others still seem to know there is something inherently different about her.

In any other setting, this might be okay—an odd coworker is nothing to worry about—but SPY x FAMILY takes place during the Cold War. People are willing to turn even neighbors in to the Secret Police on just mere suspicion, and that's not even including those who make false reports just because they don't like someone. Yor's survival (or at least freedom) relies on her ability to perform femininity according to the standard, but even when she does everything right, she's still alienated from her peers. A lot of this has to do with language, as she tends to only be aware of syntactic and basic semantic context of words and phrases, instead of the pragmatic context used in Ostania. This was likely also a result of her upbringing. She's not only living a double life as an assassin, but also having to perform this femininity to such an extent is another mask she has to wear. Throwing the pretend marriage into the equation, you get an unrealistic amount of masks to juggle all at once.

Although I'd like to think she's able to take a few of them off when it's just her, Loid, and Anya. Outside of Yuri, Yor has felt that her strength and brutality are things to hide and be ashamed of, so it's a pleasant surprise when her new family immediately accepts and praises her for these things. Loid doesn't think there's anything untoward about her, and typically finds Yor's strength to be quite useful (and hot). And Anya looks up to Yor, wanting to be strong like her one day. This is one of many reasons why their family works so well. So much of her life is spent feeling inadequate for things she can't control while living in fear that someone might report her to the Secret Police, and yet now, with her new family, she is treated normally and with respect. She is able to live a fantasy she never thought she would be able to have with her social difficulties. 

I mention her communication struggles as part of her separation from accepted standards of femininity because the way that women talk and their ability to be socially savvy is inherently tied to their femininity. To me this reminds me of the gender disconnect many autistic people (like myself) feel when they are unable to perform their gender roles conventionally. Even strongly masking, it can feel like theres something so deeply wrong with you that everyone else seems to pick up, but you can't for the life of you identify what. Yor wants to perform femininity, as seen by her uniform with the Garden. She very easily could've gone for something more practical or comfortable, but instead chose an outfit that is seductive and feminine. But the issue comes into play when she's presented with different social contexts. She didn't connect that wearing a seductive dress would probably be inappropriate for getting drinks with her coworkers, because she doesn't realize what is and is not appropriate in the first place. 

Overall, I think this view of her character adds so much depth to her and is way more interesting than the "female himbo dommy mommy" box that the fandom tends to stick her in, to me. (No hate btw, to each their own).

[serpentface]

How do each of the characters relate to their own culturally-perceived level of attractiveness? Physical or otherwise

Ok here goes

Tigran is kind of outside of cultural dimensions of attractiveness as a eunuch and one who was castrated as a pre-pubescent child. He is immediately and obviously identifiable as a eunuch so is WAY outside both the 'attractive masculinity' and 'attractive beardless youth' realms. He's also identifiable as a Galenii priest via All That + having a shaved head + having the stretched/pierced ears + usually wearing their regalia, and they're generally assumed to be celibate anyway (this is actually only a requirement for monks). In broader terms, he's also neutral- nothing about his appearance would be distinctly regarded as ugly (aside from being considered 'too fat'), while nothing is particularly striking either.

He has Largely come to terms with his resulting place in the world and isn't too bothered by it (ABSOLUTELY has lingering traumas but they don't really play into anything about attractiveness). He doesn't have much of a sex drive and doesn't care all that much if people are into him or not. He's very self confident (maybe too much so) and has good self esteem, and all around wins the award for 'least tortured about appearance'.

---

Palo is more recently a eunuch and this occurred after he experienced typical masculinizing puberty, so his appearance is more within the sphere of attractiveness conventions.

He wholly falls into the 'non-woman conventionally appropriate for male attraction' category. He wouldn't Technically be considered a 'beardless youth' because being a eunuch makes him regarded as not male, but on all practical levels he fits this archetype- he's slender with a delicate build, narrow shoulders, very light body hair, no longer grows a beard, etc. This doesn't translate to him being actively pursued by men often (especially since his current status is Ascetic Monk) but he is Aware that he gets some attention.

He's got a very complicated relationship with All This. He'd always been attracted to the notion of 'effeminate' presentation, had feelings of jealousy towards akoshos. But his entrance into a de-gendered space was not a matter of complete personal choice. He's no longer considered 'male' but nothing about who he is internally magically changed with castration, and that in part makes him resistant to sort of taking advantage of the dropped expectations for masculinity. He's VERY nervous about taking the opportunity to change his behavior and presentations in ways that he wants to because the whole experience has been degrading and he's desperate to feel respected and respectable. This manifests in clinging onto elements of masculinity that he never Wanted and no longer Has To, and also being freaked out that a) he is now notably conventionally attractive to men, especially since his beard stopped growing and b) he Could fully get away with having sex with them if he wanted but c) as a eunuch, his sexual role is expected to be 'nonexistent/completely desexualized' and/or 'receiving partner for men'.

So he's caught in a conflict of wanting to retain his prior presentation and behavioral expectations in defiance of his new role while also wanting to take Advantage of his new role to be the ways he actually wants to be. All while being kinda fucking horrified about his exponentially increased 'attractive to men' status.

---

Janeys is among the most tortured in this aspect. By cultural convention, he's considered mildly ugly and slightly effeminate looking (which is played up by people who dislike him, including himself), the latter mainly for the lack of a beard.

He has a very distorted self image and thinks of himself as both STRIKINGLY ugly and obscenely effeminate in appearance. Thinks his eyes are weirdly spaced, when he puts on weight it accumulates into a potbelly which he thinks is hideous, thinks his dick is weirdly big (a bad thing) (it's above average but nothing crazy). Used to keep his hair longer and started cutting it shorter (but not TOO short) due to becoming convinced it made him indistinguishable from his sister. Etc He is in the MOST agony about not being able to grow a full beard. it comes in very patchy so he shaves his face down to the areas that grow in fairly consistently and shaves it down further than that to make it look even. Which in turn makes him think he looks like a male prostitute.

A lot of the effeminacy concerns are rooted in his physical history- was very small and sickly as a young child, went through puberty WAY late to the point of being suspected a 'natural eunuch' (having an intersex variation that prevents expected masculinizing puberty) for a while. His mother was very involved in trying to 'fix' this and was herself paranoid of him having 'effeminate' traits, which he internalized pretty severely. He's also full gay and his attraction to men exists wayyyyy outside of the bounds of the normative 'occasionally wanting to top Beardless Youths' which in of itself is understood as effeminacy and is horrifying to him.

He doesn't try to control his generalized 'ugliness' much and is much more focused on compensating for his supposed effeminacy by presenting as HARD masc, moreso than is culturally expected or than he would actually Like to (to be clear, he is possibly the world's most cisgender man, he would just be a lot more relaxed with it if he was comfortable with himself). Unfortunately for him this is specifically a kind of posh hard masc that looks silly to a lot of people.

---

Faiza is considered mildly ugly + a bit too physically masculine (stocky build, narrow hips, a strong and squarish jawline). Her status as an Odonii compels a degree of masculinized dress and frees her from a lot of expectations for conventional attractiveness and hard enforcement of beauty standards, but it's not like she doesn't Exist within the same society that has these standards.

She really doesn't want to be the object of anyone's sexual attraction to begin with and isn't all that torn up about being seen as a little ugly, but it's very important to her that she commands GENUINE, personal respect- not just automatic deference to her status. And part of that is presenting nicely by convention (she does not think about this as 'I have to conform to presentation conventions for people to like me' but rather 'A respectable person looks certain ways, it's natural that I should'). She does pretty extensive skincare, keeps her hair nicely braided at all times (usually rebraids it multiple times a day), and wears generally expected female dress when not required to be in full regalia. She sees herself as an obligate role model, leader, mediator, etc, and holds herself to very high standards to look and act the part.

Which does work pretty well, average outlook on her appearance is like 'yeah she's not exactly a looker but she's clearly very well-kept and respectable'.

---

Couya is generally considered Notably unattractive, in part due to uncontrollable physical traits considered masculine (narrow hips, hard jawline, broad shoulders, notably taller than average) and in part due to making absolutely zero efforts to 'compensate' in any capacity.

She doesn't mind this at all. For her it was like, oh there's no one who can actually make or compel me to keep my hair braided, do an hour of skincare every night, etc? And immediately dropped it. She actually kind of Loves that people think she's ugly because there's nothing anyone can do about it. She FLAUNTS it. It's kind of an extension of being proud of her status as an Odonii, it's like people can say whatever they want but the vast majority of the population still has to defer to her and behave with tremendous respect. She LOVES watching people who she knows damn well dislike her and think she's an unkempt hideous freak have to greet her with a deferential bow and full honorifics through gritted teeth.

There is a bit of self-imposed isolation to all this, she's SO used to feeling ostracized and having her status as Odonii be the One Thing that makes her matter, that she doesn't really recognize that there's some feelings of loneliness underneath it all. Her complete hostility to a lot of cultural standards in general and embrace of 'I'm freakish and ugly and half-empty but also better than you in a way that you HAVE to respect' is sort of a defense mechanism against hostility that she's learned to expect. She straight up has no fucking idea what to do when treated with like, tenderness by someone who isn't her sister, much less if someone actually finds her attractive.

---

Hibrides is considered VERY attractive, about as close to the cultural ideal of feminine beauty as possible. She's got the 'right' amount of body fat, genetics that give her fairly clear skin, wide hips and thighs, long eyelashes, dark hair, an arched nose, etc. The only majorly desired trait she doesn't have is wavy hair, but that's just a preferred feature rather than defining of beauty or ugliness.

She also thinks of herself as good looking, but really, really, really doesn't like people paying close attention to her. She's distinctly uncomfortable with people expressing attraction to her (which isn't just a facet of her sexuality, she's definitely MORE uncomfortable with men but it bothers her with women too). The sensation of being ogled makes her feel sick and she would rather just not be perceived at all.

She experiences a painful fine line as a Conventionally Attractive Woman In A Very Misogynist Culture where she's seen as a potential sex object and expected to be beautiful, but not TOO beautiful or sexy which would suggest being perverted and overly lustful. She feels the pressure to put a ton of effort into her appearance and also to make it look like No Effort Has Been Made At All. It's time consuming and stressful and makes her wish she could just be invisible instead sometimes.

A lot of this is reflected in her dress- she tends to wear more form and skin covering clothing than is conventionally deemed necessary (the low cut tops aren't an exception- breasts aren't commonly sexualized in this context, hiding her hips and legs is more important to her). This is partly tempered by class-based interests in wearing elaborate jewelry and decorated clothing as a status indicator, she likes fine clothing and certainly doesn't want to look like a dirty commoner, she just doesn't want attention paid to her beyond that.

---

Brakul is considered decently good looking by Wardi standards and notably handsome by his own. His appearance is effortlessly masc, he has a full beard and broad shoulders and solid muscling, he's notably tall (6'2'' where the average male height is around 5'6'') and that tends to be regarded positively. Him being on the fatter side is VERY attractive by his own cultural standards, where it's associated with hardiness and suggests the ability to sire or bear healthy children.

He's considered a little too fat by Wardi convention, the shaved head is considered very strange and is not conventionally attractive (and the facial tattoos also make him very visible as an ethnoreligious minority, and general Wardi consensus on tattooing is negative, but this isn't really about concerns of attractiveness). This isn't enough to radically change outlooks on his Appearance, the average take on him is going to be 'pretty good looking heathen'.

He's never been Skinny (genetics + had a more calorie rich diet growing up than most Wardi commoners of comparable means) but he used to be thinner, and notably put on weight after joining Janeys' household and gaining regular access to good food (and also alcohol). He's very pleased with this and kind of loves feeling like a fat spoiled housewife.

He has a few physical insecurities ('my dicks kinda small' 'I have a weird pointer toe' 'why is my beard a slightly different color than the rest of my hair' 'god my dog tattoo kind of looks like shit') but thinks of himself as good looking overall. Puts a fair amount of effort into his appearance and is proud of it. He really likes getting passive interested attention (including from women) but will rapidly shift gears into being mean and standoffish when actually hit on (which isn't Particularly frequent but he's a known bachelor so occasionally gets people shooting their shot). Overall he's in the 'untortured' category and pretty comfortable with himself and how he's perceived (at least when it comes to attractiveness).

[plaidos]

Im a trans man who was on the outside circle of a friend group led by another trans man, there was one trans woman in the friend group, and she was dating the guy who kinda led the friend group. I didnt talk to her much, because i didnt talk to anyone there much due to bad experiences with the people in that group (tried to bring up stuff like experiencing dysphoria before I was out and got screamed at by the lead guy for “appropriating trans culture” and how i couldn’t use terms like gender envy to describe how i wanted to look exactly like a cis man youtuber i watched. He also shamed me for my interests which he deemed morally iredeemable (homestuck) before getting back into it himself, and then it was fine) but yeah i didnt talk to her much, and then suddenly i was dragged back into the friend group to do an intervention for the lead guy for a lot of insane things, and the tgirl was the one who asked me to help. When i was known as the only girl in the group, i was the group therapist and mom basically, i didnt want to be, and when i pulled away/came out as a trans man it seemed they replaced me with the tgirl as the group mom. And we started talking. And oh my god. Anything they did to me wa %1000 worse with her. She had to convince a grown as man that being homeless was not in fact a good fall back plan to not being able to find a roommate and no it wasnt easy. But nothing compares to the way she was treated by the main guy she was dating. The things she told me were so awful, she was basically his bangmaid abuse prisoner, he convinced her to move in with him, and then she had to do everything for him because he was “too depressed” he would sit at his computer all day cheating on her with other trans men while she cleaned his whole fucking house, and cooked, and got physically ill from all of the mold that he had let grow on things like dishes. He only really interacted with her when he needed comfort or sex. And he literally forbade her from doing anything sexual herself including masturbating without his permission because “it made him feel like she was like the pedo that groomed him when he was young” any kinks she had she was told were perverted and degenerate, she age regresses which he compared to pedophilia, it was so awful on literally every level, and he had convinced her she was so worthless and unloveable that when i told her she should leave him she said it was fine and they were working on it. It never got better and when they did break up he spread rumors that she had been raping him. She then dated another trans man who did the exact same thing down to the rape acussations when they broke up. And i was one of the only people who tried to convince her to break up with either of them initially, i was the only person who was the first to speak up. Apparently the other men in the group agreed with me they just didnt say anything till after i did then suddenly they were all agreeing. Shes doing better now and her self esteem is slowly recovering, she still talks to that friend group excluding her exes, i dont talk to any of them except her anymore. Anytime i see a trans man say they cant be misogynistic or transmisogynistic i kind of hate them for it. I was literally screamed at for trying to come out because then the group wouldnt have their “token cis girl” yes that was my title in the group, to dump their issues on. And as soon as i pulled away they replaced me with a woman they treated even worse just because she was trans and easy to beat down. Literally the only two women in the group and we were forced into the mom friend role. Its awful and i hate that people cannot acknowledge it happens. Trans men are not magically exempt from misogyny, and the ones who claim they are are lying to themselves and others so they can benefit from it. That first guy? The one who was so awful to both of us? Hes on tumblr and hes a pretty popular fanartist, he reblogs save trans women shit all the time, i hate him so much and i hate people who are compicit to the abuse trans women face, sorry for writing so much

don’t apologise, thanks for having the courage to share your experiences. it makes my heart sink how familiar this story is, the amount of people who have shared fundamentally identical experiences to this — the belief that trans men do not and cannot utilise male privilege above trans women (even in trans spaces) is without a doubt the reason so many are able to get away with this. i’ve heard this same story dozens of times; trans girl who is being physically & sexually abused by her (trans) boyfriend, regularly being raped, yelled at, often hit & abused in countless other ways who then turns around and says “actually she raped me” when she finally has the courage to break it off. And people believe them, because they believe that trans women are all rapists one bad day away from hurting everybody, but trans men are biological victims who can never do any wrong.

im sorry this happened to you. i hope your friend is in a much better situation now. ❤️

[blackbat05]

The Gall of HeR!

Evan Buckley x Reader (Gender not Specified)

Plot: You come back home feeling blue from work. Luckily, Buck is there to lend you some support.

Genre: PG-13

A/N: New character! Only started watching 9-1-1 last year but wasn’t in the best back then. It’s been such a huge support to get where I am today so it’s only appropriate to do this! Also I can’t deny this is based on actual experience recently so this is my way of therapy😂 In all seriousness, note to self to always fight for myself because no one will do it for me.

“Hey! I’m home!”

Buck pads out of the kitchen in his “kiss the cook apron” that Eddie gave him as a Christmas Present last year as a joke.

“How’s work?”

I sigh, putting my bag to one side before unceremoniously dumping myself on the couch. “It was good, and then it was bad. Do I make sense?” My nose crinkles in confusion and I at that point I wished that my brain would stop running at a hundred miles per hour. Though, a part of me really needed to vent my feelings in a safe space. Buck was my safe space.

“They approached me for a possible promotion at the Library.” I start and Buck’s eyes lit up. “Yeah, that was my reaction. Inside. I didn’t expect this at all.”

Buck comes to sit beside me on the couch, body angled to face me fully. I take a deep breath and proceeded to explain how I had to ground myself first, to hear more details from HR before committing to that decision.

“So, I had that first meeting with Esther and obviously I needed time to process right? I didn’t understand some points that were raised and I wanted to clarify with her what some things meant to I called a second meeting the next day.” I explained. “The second meeting goes fine. It mostly involved her clarifying my doubts. Then after the meeting, she sends me an email noting all the things we discussed, and guess what?” I find the rage in the pit of my stomach bubbling.

“She adds in the extra clause that initially, they thought of reverting me back into my original position if things didn’t work out. But after considering the company’s position, if I did not perform or if I decided not to continue, I would have to leave the company!” My voice gets higher with each passing second. Buck reaches out to grab my hand, a soothing reminder that I was not in the library reading that darned email but I was here, with him.

“And then, Esther had the gall to storm into the library and yell at me what I meant when I sent that email and now she’s in trouble with the higher ups! My fault? How is expressing my opinions in a professional manner my fault?”

I finish off telling Buck that I wasn’t afraid of taking on the challenge. But my biggest issue was only being informed of this only after my second meeting and when I bought up the possibility of not taking on the role to her.

“Wow.” Buck purses his lips. I look at him reproachfully.

“You think I’m acting up too.”

“No. I think you’re standing up for yourself. No matter what others may say or think. It’s good that you question everything that’s being presented to you least you be taken advantaged.”

“Even if it means they might pass me up on this because they think I’m such a prima donna?”

Buck laughs. “In all seriousness. There are more ways to grow than besides promotions at work. You’re growing as a person and that’s more important. Do what you want to do and always do it for yourself.”

You don’t know what you did to deserve this man in this lifetime. Someone who supported you no matter what. That’s what you really needed right now.

“Thanks Buck,” you threw yourself into him for a hug. “I think I really needed to hear that. After all those times of doubting myself, I really needed to hear it.”

“Hey, you know I’m always your biggest supporter. Now let’s go and have dinner. Bobby taught me how to make this lasagna and we are not about to let it get cold.”

“Gosh, what would I do without you?”

“You’ll never have to know.”

[fatherfigurefusion]

Hot Take: I feel like people would like the protagonist switch in V3, if Kaede and Shuichi swapped genders.

I feel like the complaints towards this whole switch, primarily came from introducing and then fridging the otherwise novel and creative concept of a female Danganronpa protagonist with an outgoing and proactive personality (which ended up being her admittedly-creative downfall).

However, Shuichi, as a detective, is really the most appropriate character to explore the themes of truth and lies and see this whole killing game to the end.

So, why not get the best of both worlds, and make Shuichi the female protagonist we all deserve?

Throughout V3, Shuichi’s journey was supposed to play out a lot like a support character growing into the protagonist role, to the point of even having the talent of the OG support character. Why not turn this into the story of the “designated support waifu” character growing beyond her programming and becoming a strong protagonist of her own, after the third male protagonist ends up allegedly kicking the bucket?

[alicelufenia]

Having just reblogged this post, which was my contribution to a "FF14 Hyurs are not like typical fantasy humans" thread, I thought I'd follow up by reflecting on my oc Alice's incarnations both the Main Character Incarnate as a Warrior of Light, and the Main Character But That's a Bad Thing Dark Urge from Baldur's Gate 3, and how they're both reflections of where I'm at in life when they came to be. I'll be getting a little personal and speaking entirely as Kaylin, the person behind this blog, so without further delay, I wanna talk about how these seemingly so dissimilar characters remain one in the same to me.

I created Alice in March of 2021, having been playing ffxiv for a year and a half, and was sitting at end game for a full year. While I had the name since October 2019, my Warrior of Light remained a mostly featureless avatar. She was a Miqo'te, then an au ra, and when I finally decided to make her into a fully realized character, one who could embody the role of Warrior of Light but be unabashedly mine, was when I opted to use the last Fantasia I'd actually pop from that time to the present, to make my max sliders chest and muscles, highlander hyur with fiery red hair, freckles, and the pink and blue heterochromia that would be her signature going forward. I made Dark Knight her canon job, and have not seen the need to change a single thing about her.

She's strong, brave, cocksure and sassy, but found it difficult to connect with people, instead constantly striving to be the larger than life hero the world needed, but feeling empty without more personal and vulnerable connections. Small wonder come Endwalker that Zenos is the one to crack that shell, and she now thinks of herself as an adventurer first, hero a distant second, and finally letting herself get close to people, especially the scions who she has accepted as an extended family.

At this point in my life I was just beginning to pull myself out of a depressive spiral that had been festering for years behind my single-minded devotion to work. I had also been 2 years into my gender transition at this point, which made me feel empowered, but unsure of where to go next. I lost a lot of muscle mass due to hrt, and was afraid to try and build it back. I made Alice tall (taller than irl me), muscular, and trans like me, as if to show myself a woman can be feminine while boasting traditionally masculine features.

While a noble effort, it never really motivated me to buff up. Hell, before the pandemic I was considering joining a local HEMA chapter and learn fencing. After lockdown and starting transitioning, seeing the way trans athletes are crushed into dust and humiliated convinced me never to try. I still mourn the loss of a chapter of my life that could have been, but for which I saw, and still see, no hope.

Out comes a little game called Baldur's Gate 3, and I recast Alice anew, this time as a half wood-elf instead of full human, and a Paladin with Shadow Sorcerer levels; my interpretation at the time of a setting-appropriate Dark Knight in Faerûn. Her story wound up very different from the consistently heroic figure that was her ffxiv predecessor, falling in love with Minthara (directly mirroring my growing attraction to older women), becoming an Oathbreaker, struggling with heroism before retaking her oath in pursuit of her partner's ambitions, performing truly heroic feats, and in the end, following through with seizing that Absolute power. Except not really, cause the evil endings weren't added at the time, so concluding with saving the day with everyone getting their best outcomes for the most part. But next playthrough, I made her Dark Urge, and it was only then I felt her character was truly established, and now worse than before for everyone around her.

It's easy to look at both her 14 and bg3 versions and get the impression that they're nothing alike (their alignments are practically in opposition), and in their narratives you're correct; at the end of the day the Warrior of Light doesn't carry as much baggage as the Dark Urge. So was I just trying to be edgy as possible now?

By the time bg3 released, I was mostly finished with my transition, save one last step that would be the biggest decision of my life. By the time I made Alice into the Dark Urge and make her past the most ugly and self-destructive yet, I was already making plans for gender confirming surgery. It was a decision a long time coming, and that sense of dysphoria over not just your body, but what others allow you to do with it, features prominently in Alice's background now, her struggle against Bhaal being equally about resisting the Urge but also asserting her body autonomy. Unlike me, she doesn't have bottom dysphoria, but Bhaal interfering with her transition by making sure she'll be able to "breed many bhaalspawn" shows that all she's valued for is her birth assigned sex; literally, as she was formed wholecloth by Bhaal in his image, and has faught against that since childhood.

I've recently come home from the hospital, the great work I endeavored this whole year finally coming to a head. I got my operation, and I have never been happier. Even if it's the most pain I've been through in my 41 years, even though I had a real scare that I was going to bleed out, naked in a hospital bed, the remnants of my dysphoria finally managing to kill me after all, I endured because of a large team of nurses and surgeons working like hell, while my wife stayed by my side, and I kept up my smile.

Now ten days out from my surgery (a tenday, you might say :p) I'm home recovering, every day the swelling and bruising grows less, and I'm even experiencing real feeling again as the nerves wake up, and everything feels perfect down there. My world has been transformed via a blood sacrifice (literally, I needed 3 transfusions the first 4 days in the hospital) and one hell of a surgeon.

So, other than sharing this extremely personal story, how does it tie into Alice? For me it's a reminder that every version of her has reflected my current fears and self-doubts; that I'm not feminine enough, or too much of a shut in to make friends, or pining for an athletic achievement I lack the spirit to pursue, and right now the fear of being robbed of my chance to destroy my source of dysphoria in the near future unless I do something about it RIGHT NOW.

Given all I've achieved this year, despite how shit it was on a large scale, it's been one of if not the most important in my life. I'm finally getting closure with my transition, and still with months of recovery ahead.

What I also have now, is loads and loads of time at home doing nothing but resting and maintenance on my new body, and now with far less pain than before.

In short, reflecting on all of this, I'm finally ready to write my bg3 fanfic starring Alice the Dark Urge, her someday wife Minthara, and all the companions who stuck with them along the way. I know plenty of people who've been anticipating this. I'm dearly sorry my friends, but after working on myself, I am ready to fill your dms with wips, and someday sooner than later, a proper release of Glory and Shame, my current working title.

Please look forward to it.

@w-low @elissastillstands @trappedinafantasy37 @majorasnightmare this one's for you cuties, and anyone else who's shown interest but I've forgotten to include cause it's late and I should sleep lol

[velvetvexations]

"can you describe a binary trans woman in a way which isn't transphobic as hell? 🧐" yes, easily: she's any trans woman who wants to identify as a binary woman, it's as simple as that. The fact that people are pretending they weren't or don't identify as women as some kind of 'gotcha' is fucking embarrassing for them

It's truly not that complicated lmao. People are so terrified of having "boring" genders that they've completely invented a t***f*b menace terrorizing trans women for not being as kweer as them. The simple fact of the matter is that this non-binary strawman does not exist.

It honestly drives me so crazy how people will use the fact trans men are men as plausible deniability for blatant misogyny, calling trans men whiny and annoying is truly the "I'm not touching you!" Of misogyny

and then go "why are you misgendering yourself" when you call it out lol

the whole thing is blisteringly colonialist i wonder if these people view themselves as anti-racist progressives 🤨

they sure do!

It's funny, bc I've seen terfs claim that other cultures having third genders is just otherizing gay people. Its legit the exact same argument. Radfems are radfems are radfems.

as always

"trans men are always bitching and whining" is also a different sentence from "men are always bitching and whining", so, like trans men already heard that shit enough growing up do u (op, not you velvet) not maybe think there might be slightly different implications to saying that if he's trans

what even is critical thinking anymore

between tankies and radfems i straight up think we need to retire materialism. no one knows what that word means anymore

they should reread theory till they actually understand it but if the results are anything like the first time they'll just find new genocides to stan

Another anon reminded me that it was even a thing where like. if you were white and you tried to bring up roles in history considered now to be non-binary you would get told you were appropriating. like white people only get two genders??? which I swear is a thing I think I heard verbatim once (I'm pretty sure as self-loathing satire to be clear I don't think anyone was that mask off or direct)

Native Americans have a patent on extra genders

all im ever told to do is shut up about my problems. i'm transmasc, white, skinny, well off, high-functioning, able bodied, decent parents. i still suffered so much and i still suffer every day but it feels like i can never talk about it. 99% because of people like me ranting about THEIR trauma for the purpose of talking over people on the other side, who are actually oppressed for it, and it means i will never not be afraid to talk about my issues with them and because of that i feel i can never truly and deeply connect with them. bigotry from "my side" affects the oppressed most of all, but it affects me too. i wonder if you feel the same, being a transfem defending transmascs amidst the apocalypse of t(e)rfs. if so, i hope you're okay. i hope you can find other transfems with similar views who you can talk to about it, because that's what helps me <3

I know some cool transfems. One has been showing me her writing lately and oh my God it's so good and cool.

just realized that transfems all being non-binary is extra wild when one remembers the like. discourse when hating transtrenders and non-binary people generally was in vogue. does no one remember how awful using they/them for everyone you don't know is??? nd how that turned into a weird nb v transfem thing??? contrapoints did a whole thing??? part of her cancellation???

some people are happy to switch to whatever argument lets them be the biggest cunt in the room at any given point in time

I like the “my gender is whatever has the shortest line to the bathroom” joke, but truth be told, I’ve only actually done it once, with single stall bathrooms, and I did get caught. I live in a state without bathroom bills, so arrest wasn’t a threat, but it was still really fucking scary, and I don’t think I’m going to do it again. I usually dislike using any gendered bathroom for the exact same reasons. They all feel unsafe. I try not to use public bathrooms at all, because usually there isn’t a gender neutral restroom. When there is, I actually will wait for it. But just once, I thought to myself, “I really have to pee, there are two single stall gendered bathrooms, one is in use, it’ll be fine, no one will see me,” and it backfired. The “shortest line” jokes are wish fulfillment, ok? It’s a tumblr post, it’s not that serious.

nooooo it's transmisogyny!!!!! wahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Refreshing your blog over and over again to see if you’ve gotten to my anon yet <3 Getting parasocial with it

<3

i think it's really important to note that like. The other side of the "all trans women are nonbinary" coin is "all amab nonbinary people are women" to these people, and they do consistently misgender people they perceive as amab nonbinary, both by calling them men if they're not fem enough, women if they perform any kind of femininity, and just deciding they are actually afab if they look a certain way. One of the consequences of TMA as a descriptor is that it just flattens all amab trans experience into Transfem experience. And it can be okay for coalition labels to exist (trans as a term obviously describes a wide variety of experiences) but it often feels like it intentionally erases the existence of people who DO live their lives as Nonbinary, vs maybe having some gender fuckery they keep to theirselves to avoid actually having to deal with exorsexism. They will unintentionally acknowledge this with posts such as "I round to the nearest 'cisnifigant digit ' when talking to cis people about my gender", but they'll never call it that. Conveniently, it's actually transmisogyny now.

If you're non-binary and AMAB you're just pretending to not be a woman because transmisogyny has made you scared to be your true fymynyne self.

I need to complain about this to someone else before I bore my friends to death and flood culture blogs with it cuz like what the fuck is with all the anti endo cluster Bs like I'm actually going insane. it's always just.

sees relatable post look closer anti endo and it's always the pretentious type of anti endo too, like the ones that put the word 'endo' in fifty quotation marks because how else would we be able to tell that they don't think endos exist. it's hard being one of the few intelligent entities with a cluster b disorder. I'm sure you understand as someone who's also among the few.

cluster B disorders like you and I have make one inclined to drama lmao so it's not really surprising to me that a lot of them are loudly anti-endo

English does have a generic you, it's "one". As is: "As one knows, the generic you in English is one." "When one makes a statement it causes some kind of effect on another" "I can do many things to such a one."

Yeah, but that doesn't always sound as good.

Re clarifying generic you not you in particular, I sent an ask recently and clarified general you because Im aware Im writing a message to your account which feels like Im talking directly to you, which I am, but then it feels like any general use of 'you' would sound like its aimed at you in particular because its your account. So it felt important and polite to clarify that while I am talking to you, when I use general you it is general you, Im not being rude to you to your face Im being rude to the hypothetical people in the room. Im aware these are now very long sentences and I hope this makes sense. Basically its making sure you know the rudeness is not aimed at you even though I am talking to you in your inbox and using the same word you.

NW I know <3 It's just strange to me since it's clarified a lot and I don't remember it being this way when I was on Tumblr several years ago, so it's a new development in how people talk from my perspective.

Trfs are very quick to accuse transmascs (regardless of whether or not they pass) of having "male privilege" but if someone so much as implies that a boymoding trans woman has any access to male privilege at all theyre committing a Hate Crime and are Awful and Terrible. Very consistent logic.

the idea is that having to be stealth or misgendering yourself is Still A Bad Time but they can't extrapolate this to being the same for trans people AFAB too

there’s something so funny about the blog with an estrogen pun username getting on a high horse to say that making an extremely common trans joke is a sign of privilege. like i don’t even have anything witty to say in return, we love a lack of self awareness ig 😐

radical feminism is brain poison unfortunately

"you are not counter culture for saying Let Men Be Unapologetically Masculine" tell me you've never been to a bear bar without telling me you've never been to a bear bar oml @ OP of that post (feel free to post this when it is not the weekend)

lmao right though

transradfems absolutely self identify as radical feminists. eight years ago, when i was on this hellsite talking about anti-binary gender philosophy as a nonbinary person, i had swarms of people tell me i was actually being transmisogynistic by saying radical feminist was inherently transphobic because didn't I know there were trans women out there "reforming" it and some of them were even not white? I couldn't possibly remember what blog manifesto I was linked to, but my point remains. eight years ago i was told that trans women were gonna "reform" radical feminism, so i didn't have to bother talking about my experiences as a nonbinary "tme." and now look at where we are.

they should focus their efforts on reforming whatever educational system led to them being the people they are now

[worriedvision]

if it's okay, may i request Tighnari with the "wrong time right place" prompt?

maybe something like Tighnari beibg really stressed in Gandharva Ville for weeks on end (+ Collei's Eleazar before the Archon Quest) and not being able to reciprocate our feelings?

abd when he finally gets to us, we already have someone else taking care of us

...

I've decided to do this in a different way with how the reader moved on, kind of like Tighnari getting a taste of his own medicine. Gender neutral reader, angst.

--

Since you first saw him, you were enamoured with him. You knew he was the right guy for you, he ticked all your boxes. He was in the forest, finishing up a withering zone, and you happened to be finishing a report. You land up working with him on this report, discovering he had much to gain from your note taking and getting the Akedemiya to get on board with his ideas. You had a few meals together when working on it, and you couldn't stop your heart beating hard.

You try to make moves where appropriate, hoping to secure a relationship with him, but he doesn't bite.

"_, knock it off." Tighnari tuts one night, you asking him out for the tenth time. "Can't you take a hint? I'm not interested."

"Oh... Sorry if I made you uncomfortable..." You trail off, Tighnari turning to face you.

"You know I have lots of things on my plate due to work. I do not have the time to indulge in this." Tighnari explains. "Under different circumstances, there might have been a possibility of me accepting your confession."

"...I think I can finish this report myself." You coldly let out. "Don't worry, I won't ruin this paper because of my feelings being hurt." You reassure him, walking away.

--

When Alhaitham became the Acting Grand Sage, he decided to make you his scribe. After reading your report on the spawning areas of withering zones, as well as this being backed up by Master Tighnari in an interview, he offered you the chance to be an acting scribe until he filled all the necessary roles. Alhaitham becomes a tutor of yours, agreeing to proofread your reports and giving you useful feedback before sending you on your way to finish the report before submitting it.

After the rejection from Tighnari, you had to distract yourself with work. You fully focus on your writing, opting to remain factual and logical. You wouldn't make the same mistake as the last time like you did with Tighnari where you caught feelings that, in hindsight, he was unable to act on.

You receive requests to interview Tighnari again, and you only needed to look at the letter once to see it was sent from Tighnari himself. Shaking your head, you add these letters to a growing pile.

--

"_, it's been a while." Tighnari calls out, Cyno sitting with him. "Come, we have lots to catch up on."

You decide to walk over, not interested in wasting too much time here when you had several meetings you were due to sit in on.

"We finally got the withering zones cleared, and Collei is taking a turn for the better." Tighnari nods, making eye contact with you. "I have more time on my hands now, and I want to build up the growing relationship we had."

How rich. He told you himself that he was far too busy with work, and now its the opposite way.

"I have work to do." You simply state, leaving Tighnari and Cyno sitting there as you walk towards your first meeting area.

--

"That did not go well." Tighnari groans out, ears drooping.

"Alhaitham has that effect in people. I wouldn't take it personally." Cyno explains.

"No, they grew distant after I told them I was too busy with the withering zones." Tighnari pouts, staring at the door where you left as if you would come back in.

Cyno has to stop himself from making a terrible joke about how working on withering zones withered the relationship, seeing for Tighnari was taking you walking out.

"...I think we should skip TCG today...as much as I enjoy the game, I would rather not beat a friend who isn't mentally there." Cyno states, raising a hand to begin ordering food.

[shmowder]

Related to that recent post of yours you got any headcanons for how Daniil would be as a dad? Because I truly believe that man would be a good father…. Although he’s probably every teachers nightmare come to life, he also strikes as the type who wouldn’t have originally planned to have any children but the second he holds his kid for the first time he’s absolutely smitten and will tell anyone about his who listens about his kid.

In my heart I know that he's a girl dad.

Daniil, who doesn't care about the baby's gender during pregnancy, who always reminds people that he'll treat his child the same no matter what.

But oh, the second his daughter is born and he holds her in his arms. A whole new life just born into existence, started in front of his eyes, hearing her soft cry as he stood there in a trance.

Realising he's a father now.

It's like a switch immediately flipped. Paternal instincts kicking in.

This child might as well rival the sun in greatness in Dankovsky's eyes, She's genuinely all that's on his mind.

What he thought would be just a new responsibility on his shoulders, another milestone to cross off of the list of life goals before going back to his research and studies, completely turned his world upside down.

You know Daniil's tendency to litter his sentences with "I, me and my" to always talk about himself no matter the subject? Yeah, well, now he talks about his daughter instead.

"Oh your child started crawling, how...nice. Well MY daughter just took her first steps when my partner and I took her out to that new restaurant. Oh yes, I'm aware they don't allow kids, but she isn't just any kid. She is so well behaved and much smarter than her age, of course even the restaurant owner could see that and exempt her from the...common rules."

Daniil doesn't adhere to stereotypical parental roles either. He's taking his daughter to the nearest changing station even if it meant walking into the women's bathroom because the men's didn't have it.

He's the one to prepare her bottles with care, always test the warm water beforehand to ensure the temperature is appropriate, count the tablespoons of powdered milk he scoops, secure the cap and shake the bottle.

Keeping track of her feeding time, preparing her baths, and drying her throughly. Keeping her warm and safe as she drifts off to sleep before laying her back into her crib.

He doesn't "forget" or get lazy. He takes each of those responsibilities seriously no matter how much of his personal time is cut off because of it.

He's always boosting about how his daughter has no difficulty solving those kids' educational puzzles and how he started giving her adult puzzle to solve instead.

He's doting in his own way, spending time with her during playtime, letting her mess his hair and paint on the walls with no repercussions. Allowing her absolute freedom in self-expression.

Part of him especially enjoys the clothes shopping.

Dad Daniil who would rather set the store on fire than allow his child to wear something tacky or cheap, who takes his daughter to high-end brand stores to get her measurements taken so a tailor may design a one of a kind set for her. Putting extra care in styling her hair each morning, the hair accessories with actual gems and pearls, the neat tidy shoes and socks with ruffles. Daniil dresses her like his very own doll and basks in all the compliments other parents give her way each time they go out.

Each birthday is given it's due in importance and made into an event, sending invitations to his colleague doctors and researchers alike, taking pride in each cursive letter he inks as his daughter sits on his lap, eyeing his work with interest and sometimes adding an ink stain or two with her small fingers.

Daniil's study becomes her favourite place to play as she grows up. While Daniil would've chased any other rascal away who attempted to even touch his medical equipment, his daughter is treated like royality instead.

Part of him enjoys teaching. He lacks the patient, but his love for her overflows through his veins and makes him want to try harder and better himself, be more gentle.

This is why he's patient as he teaches her how to work a microscope, how to be careful with the cog as you turn it, and how to carry the glass slides with diligence.

And the look on her face as she marvels at the discovery that a whole new world of microscopic organisms exists just under her little thumb, it made Daniil feel as if all the suffering and hardships he went through just to get up to this point were completely worth it.

He infects her with his love for science. He reads to her fables and stories each night to raise her on good morals and grant her a noble soul.

His daughter quickly takes a hatred to lying as much as he does, she is never afraid to state her opinion neither is she reluctant to share her ideals and dreams, no matter how big she dreams, her father taught her that anything is possible if you work hard for it.

While they may have a falling out during teenagehood like any healthy parent and child relationship goes through, I think Daniil would still be her favourite parent even then.

He's the first to stomp to the private school if he even suspects anyone is giving her a hard time or a teacher is being unreasonable.

He's the one who has the period talk with her as a doctor. He reassures her this is all completely normal, and he'll offer her painkillers whenever it gets too much.

Dankovsky even has the sex talk with her later as she grows up. He would rather she stayed aware and informed than accidentally got herself into an unkown situation. He explains everything with the nonchalance of a medical professional rather than a father to not make things awkward for her.

That's why their relationship survives the rocky teenage years, because The Bachelor made sure to remain a stable figure in her life. To always be nearby to help but never be suffocating or judgmental.

His daughter is genuinely his life's work. He has put all of his efforts into giving her the best possible relationship with her parents, into letting her flourish into her own person and help her achieve her goals.

He's stiff with the kids' ingame, easily annoyed, and only humours their conversations if it's someone extremely polite like Capella.

Ingame, Daniil rarely mentions his family. You don't know what kind of parents he had, and judging by his university years of carrying a pistol around and even stealing samples to aid in his research when he hasn't earned the doctor title yet, it's not hard to figure out he may not have been close to his parents, let alone his father.

With their expectations set on him since a young age to become a "conqueror" and join the military, there is a big chance he came from a military family set in traditions. How his pursuit to become a healer rather than a fighter might have been deemed a sign of weakness by them, especially for a "man" at that time period.

Maybe they didn't view knowledge as an equal to power, a Bachelor's degree at that time period was the second highest degree you could ever get from a university. Daniil not only succeeded in his field but founded a while research lab, became nationwide famous, and made everyone who ever doubted him eat their words.

Powered by spite and the need to prove his parents wrong. That's why he's so insistent on doing the opposite as a parent, to show his child unconditional love and support no matter what their dream is.

Otherwise, he doesn't take them or their dreams seriously, much like his parents probably met his dreams to "defeat death" with scepticism and doubt.

If Daniil Dankovsky had a child, any child. He will always take them seriously, be their confidante, and never dissmiss their goals or passions as mere "kid's imagination" or a phase.

Even if his child didn't turn out smart or exceptional, even if they struggled with the most basics and were quite behind others their age.

Daniil would never belittle them or even suggest they should give up, he'd double his efforts to connect with them, to try different methods and teach them that no matter how unfair and cruel life is, you must keep trying.

[macrodosing]

mikage ramblings pasted from notes app, written halfway to sleep and edited halfway from sleep under the cut

Mikage facilitates belief in idealised versions of love, or of the people we love, both generally speaking, but especially based on distortions of time and/or memory:

The black rose duelists gaining amnesia after each of their duels also being in line with this general theme.

(general themes of growing up vs perpetual adolescence here too even outside the context of abuse and misogyny, being a shoujo).

main examples:

-Preoccupation with times when they had been better to us, even if they've since proven worse (Juri) (I'll save you)

-Distortions of ideas of future love (Tsuwabaki's immature conceptualisation of what 'adult' love entails, leading to SA) (I'll kill you)

-Wakaba's inability to recognise Saionji's disinterest due to having been infatuated with him since childhood

-General brother/sister dynamics that are more complicated in each individual instance but are generally lent undue emotional weight by the sheer fact of having spent their lives around these people (Miki's sister, Nanami)

-Preoccupation with youth/the past and/or times when the love interest was younger (Mikage's attraction to the much younger Tokiko, about whom comments are made about him not having aged a day, explained by Mikage as being due to having not left the garden/Ohtori. Mikage and his attempts to 'seize moments for eternity')

This + the brother/sister thing may be also related to Akio's interest in Anthy; I didn't quite grasp how much older he was until even a while after the first episode 14 reveal. certain tropes of gendered shoujo character designs make male characters ages difficult to parse; I would have believed him maybe Saionji's age or a bit older at first. him being chairman of the school may have been the first clue but then you have this surreal setting where people of Saionji's age are on the student council, but the student council may as well be a school board of middle-aged men in terms of their domain over the school. for Japan to be so traditionally occupied with deference to hierarchy/title, it's interesting how these all become so meaningless. kids assuming the roles of adults, either voluntarily and involuntarily. the actual adults being as immature as children. which could mean nothing.

Akio being engaged was probably another big clue to his age, however with this show's emphasis on critiquing tradition, I took this an instance of this old school idea of success (already engaged as he's about to leave high school, whole life laid out for him) that was simply presented as normal for the time period and location. I have a confession: I thought this show was from the late 80's/early 90's, not late 90's until last night, so placing these attitudes appropriately within their time period has been made difficult by the fact that I am also very thick.

So Akio certainly wasn't being Black Rose Manipulated by Mikage into whatever it is he gets out of his interest to Anthy. (if anything the other way around; Akio being seen kissing the only age-appropriate woman Mikage was initially interested in seems to have been what stunted him into. this). But Akio may cultivate Mikage's success for the same reasons; they share an interest in those younger and more immature than them, the idea being that this stems from stunted growth).

Mikage's experiments may have been allowed by Akio because if successful these would all have been in service of Akio's broader plans, though idk yet what they are beyond general subjugation. Mikage being just one of many routes there. at the very least, Mikage's personal failings represent one of many routes to that same desire for general subjugation.

So the Student Council feel they are at threat from Mikage when really Akio is just playing them against each other. If I understand correctly, which I'm never sure of with this show.

tbh, I'm still little confused about the specifics of Mikage's backstory and his relationship to Tokiko and Mamiya having now seen those episodes, aside from knowing that his relationships were age-inappropriate at best, and now what the experiments were in pursuit of. as much as I hate doing so I may need to read a quick summary online. like I said the school's surreal setting makes it hard to contextualise some events. high schooler/professor genius running experimental underground lab/crematorium in a hospital setting with assistants of his own on high school grounds etc. ok.

sometimes I get a full night's sleep and watch this show and wonder if actually I'm more tired than I realise. in the context of abuse however the surreality is eerily appropriate, if I ever bother to make a post-show debrief that relates this to my irl dealings with a couple I was good friends with who had turned out to be in a physically abusive relationship, the ability of everyone involved to adjust to sheer absurdity (e.g. her lifelong best friend assuring me that the most insane relationship dynamics I've ever seen play out in my life have all happened before, and will subside), and our collective response to it, i.e. the seemingly inane tasks towards which our energy was directed in helping her through emotionally, will be a big part of it. e.g. my friend being perpetually exhausted because she can't sleep in case he comes around, but she needs to prepare her costume for her burlesque show in two days, because life goes on, but she of course hasn't had the time to, so we stay up all night together adding buttons/sequins/detailing etc to her corset by hand until it's done. that's actually one of my most fondest memories, it's also completely insane. some of the more absurd downstream consequences of the adults in charge (police) turning out not to be the solution you were taught they should be even when evidence of abuse was sufficient. that's a big post to make though and I need to think more about whether it's my story to tell. but 100 milkshakes on the table during a fight? fine, makes sense to me. frankly the show would have been lacking without them

-the Onion Prince may have been turned away by Mikage not for any lack of intensity of feelings toward Wakaba, but because she was the one who'd harboured a longtime misunderstanding about him (thinking he'd changed schools and abandoned her out of hatred), whereas his misunderstanding about her (that she reciprocated his feelings towards her) was relatively short-lived; he'd only just returned to the school and had otherwise little exposure to her from which to create an idealised version of her in his mind. black rose susceptibility requires that the target harbours an emotionally intense but ultimately superficial attraction to the love interest (who is of course actually a real person with depth) and this kind of idealisation generally takes time to develop. sleepless nights, classes spent daydreaming, longing. yearning, Jerry, yearning.

the Onion Prince spent many of his formative years at a different school, presumably with experiences of his own, affording him defense from Mikage via his opportunity to grow as a person and develop his many protective layers. Ikuhara you've done it again

[luane-horlis]

This is long and I apologize but I don’t have any other social media and sometimes you’ve just gotta scream into the void.

My first job in a library was a tiny rural community college with an even tinier library. The collection was mostly academic but we did have a couple shelves of kids books for early childhood education majors. No kids were really ever in there, except for one or two bored middle schoolers tagging along with a parent who needed to do homework.

This was around 2008 or so, when I was in undergrad at a Big College in the city and between that and seeing Callie and Arizona on Grey’s Anatomy I was taking my first nervous step into “huh, maybe I am one of them queers…” I had no elder queer role models in my life and there were zero out gay kids in my tiny rural southern high school, so that was quite literally my first experience with sapphic love (and Sara Ramirez is still insanely hot, I’m very very gay for her to this day.) All of this is to set the stage of me as a painfully shy, extremely sheltered, very closeted 20-something with my first real job at a library, the thing I wanted to do When I Grew Up.

We had just gotten a copy of the book And Tango Makes Three, which if you don’t know, is about two male penguins who were pair bonded and raise a chick together. My boss, a middle aged white man, was debating on whether he should catalog it for the kids section or the adult section. I thought he was nuts.

“It’s a children’s story book, why would you want to put it in the adult section?”

“Well, it’s two male penguins…”

“So?”

“It’s inappropriate…”

“How? They’re not doing anything graphic in the book, they just raise a chick together.”

Having gone to grad school and completed my Masters I now know this guy was just a shit-ass librarian who needed to exit the profession, but at the time I was boggled he even had one second thought over cataloging a children’s book as a children’s book. I, again a painfully shy 5’3” 20 year old, almost got into a shouting match with my 6ft 50 something boss over a penguin book, but he ultimately put it in with the children’s books when the Dean of Libraries told him in no uncertain terms to fuck off with his bullshit.

When I got this job working with kids and teens I resolved to be the queer adult I really needed in my own teens so I didn’t have to endure such a horrible comphet upbringing. I have pride pins and pronoun buttons on my lanyard, I wear probably way too many rainbows, I make pride book displays, I’m in the library’s pride discord, and if the YA manager asks I’ll be at every teen pride cafe program to just stand there like “hey, I’m an Adult Queer and we’re here if you need us.”

All of the above is just to say that I’m tired. At my current library we now have an asshole county councilman demanding on behalf of “numerous complaints from concerned citizens” that we move all children’s materials about gender identity and sexuality from the children’s section to the adult section “to protect the kids” and I’m just so tired. It’s 2023.

Protect the kids from what, the same miserable anxiety-ridden tween and teen years I had thinking I was fucking wrong and abnormal for the way I felt? Of being so lonely with no one to talk to and nothing to turn to like, oh, an age appropriate book for information and comfort? I still deal with feeling absolutely worthless and like I’m unloveable now in my mid-fucking 30s from growing up like that so excuse me if I want kids to have access to things which help them grow up safe and knowing they have value without fear.

I’m not giving up, I’m still fighting every damn day to do what I can in my limited scope but fucking hell, I’m tired.

[septembermonologues]

im realizing that while she absolutely didn't mean to my mom baked misandrist tendencies into me because she didn't put up with misogyny in the slightest from anyone and i only had sisters and my dad who is happy to be a "girl dad" growing up so we weren't forced into any gender roles and i just never had to deal with men really and now i don't have the patience for them if they even put a single toe out of my designated line of appropriate behavior

[yanderes-galore]

Oh oh! I have one for invader Zim! If you don't write for Zim himself please ignore, and I apologize if this is the case. BUT perhaps.... headcanons for Irken reader and zim? Especially if the reader is pretty tall (not as tall as the tallest ofc but like.. average adult human height). I'd like to see what you think Zim would be like especially if he's absolutely head over heels for them on first meeting 🙈

Sure! How could I not write for Zim, lol.

Original Zim Concept

Yandere! Zim with Irken! Darling

Short Concept

Pairing: Romantic

Possible Trigger Warnings: Gender-Neutral Darling, Obsession, Attempted manipulation, Delusional behavior, Forced relationship, Worship yandere, Kidnapping/Isolation mention, Slight possessive behavior.

Irken, as I've stated in my Zim concept, aren't the best in terms of love.

At birth they have no parents and are just... thrown into their role.

So Zim with another Irken may start as you just tolerating each other.

However... Irken society has always praised height.

They are normally a short species and even The Almighty Tallest are artificially tall.

Zim may be obsessive with a taller darling faster than one of his own height.

This is due to the social dynamic of your society.

Zim overall is very similar to his original yandere behavior with an irken darling.

Maybe less sadistic, but overall the same.

Zim is Manipulative, Possessive, Attention-Seeking/Clingy, Delusional, and difficult with proper affection.

If you were taller than him then he'd probably also be a worship yandere.

How you could meet is you go to Earth for whatever reason you feel is appropriate.

A mission, being banished, sent to get rid of Zim, Curiosity, etc...

Zim isn't entirely an 'obsession at first sight' yandere.

He'd take a bit more time.

Although he does find himself growing fond of you rather quickly...

A bit too quickly for his liking....

Zim has always been manipulative.

He has a way with words and can be charismatic when he talks.

With you as an Irken his charm is less effective but he still tries.

If you fall for his words and lies is up to you.

There's a good chance you won't, annoying for him but great for you.

Zim would still be possessive.

Now there's two Irkens on Earth and he can drag you into his plans for destruction!

In his eyes you two will be partners in crime.

You'll both destroy Earth, even if that wasn't your plan.

Zim is not very considerate of your thoughts and feelings.

If you want to go outside and mingle with humans, he won't allow it.

Zim hates the idea of your attention going anywhere/to anyone else but him.

He's delusional.

Not only does he feel you "love" him like he does you, he feels you agree with his plans no matter how stupid.

(Not love, although he doesn't know the difference)

Zim is poor when it comes to actual affection.

The concept of love is so strange to him and he already is uneasy about hugs or anything more.

Irkens just don't do that?

He tries to instead show his affection and obsession towards you in other ways.

He shows he respects you with compliments and gifts.

To him he feels it is the best less physical way to express his adoration.

Lastly, Zim is a yandere that thrives on praise.

If you're a taller Irken than him then it just hits harder.

He comes to his darling for praise and melts whenever he gets it.

He doesn't like you out of his sight and tries to keep you in his base because of this.

It's safer in the base anyways.

No need to be involved with those filthy humans.

Zim worships you like you're a gift from The Tallest themselves at times.

He's egotistical himself but he'd worship you for that reason if you were tall or not.

If you were tall then he doesn't mind you taking control of the mission at times.

Irken have a thing for height 🤷‍♀️.

Overall, Zim would fall for a fellow Irken darling. Even more so if you were taller.

Just prepare for his intense and deranged delusions towards you.

[dianight]

Join me in the forcefem basement that adorns the fantasies of so many girls and indulge with me in this one, my very own.

As much as I enjoy that sort of fiction whether in doujins or silly posts, at the end of the day it's not realistic, as most fantasies are not. And this one won't be different. Because you see, in my hands I have a switch. Perhaps a button, a remote or a controller, whatever form you see most appropriate for it to have, that allows me to trans someone's gender. A click or push or press, and whoever I want will be now whatever gender I want.

Let us grab one of the worst men you'll ever meet, you know the one. Maybe there are several that come to mind, but today we are choosing only one. I recommend you pick the one you hate the most. Here, we throw him in the basement and we chain him to the radiator if that's your thing. And I'll let you press the button of course, you are the guest on this fantasy of ours. See how he now changes into a girl?

But not a magical change mind you, she gets to keep his current form but with that instinctual feeling, that knowledge (whether concious or not) that there is something wrong with the way her friends, family and society in general treats her, that the role assigned to him is not the right one. Because it isn't.

And here, in this utopic basement, let us help her realize the truth. Ignore all that shit about letting eggs figure it out for themselves and save her years of selfloathing, depression and alienation. Let us shower her with love and understanding. Let us explain to her what hrt is, how it works, how to acquire it and how administer it. Let us help her pick clothes that she likes (from this very convenient wardrobe that was here all along), grow her hair out and guide her into a better life.

Because at the end of the day being a woman is just simply better than being a man. You agree, I agree and she agrees. But not everything is perfect and we are not naive. So let us also get her some reading material on more serious matters. Let us make her understand how transphobia permeates society, that's why she felt so bad at the role assigned to her. Let us make her understand how misogyny shapes so much of what she sees on her day to day, how blind she was when she didn't know yet she was a woman. Let us prepare her as best as we can to navigate a world that would consider her lesser, show her how wrong that is and how she can love herself for who she truly is. And then.

You know what we do now? I'll let you do it, press it again. It's ok, you remember who she was, right? One of the worst men you'll ever meet. Press it. And look at him now: he now undertands what it is like to be a woman, what it's like to live as one, but he isn't one anymore. All sad and pathetic and crying and begging and pleading and worst of all, a man. We can go back upstairs, let's check what we can find to pass the time. Some board games or maybe some video games. Are you hungry? We can imagine a kitchen with a full fridge of anything you want and it will be there.

And after we spend a lo~ng time chilling and having fun, with the occasional scream coming from downstairs, we can go back to check on him. And look how miserable, a man now. Look how pitiful, having to remember the girl he isn't anymore. Look at his tears, you can hit him a bit if you want, just a slap or maybe a kick. Look at how he begs us to let him go back, laugh at him. Look at how he no longer has anything else to say, voice too cracked from screaming and wailing, his role now clear to him.

And you. Here you go. You know what it does. I'm going to go now. What you do with him is up to you, you can press it again or send him back like that. Or do whatever you want with him here, on this wonderful basement. My imagination doesn't go much further, now it's up to you.

[titleleaf]

'director's commentary' on any sex scene you've written that you consider particularly fraught/controversial?

You did not come to play tonight, my friend, and for that I thank you.

This is tough though because I write enough overtly terrible stuff — everything I write that’s more gnarly than like, gentle marital lovemaking is pretty dire — but what can be controversial in fandom is a wide net, so I’m going to go with most fraught/most upsetting for me, personally.

So: DVD commentary for “somebody’s sins but not mine” (Stranger Things, Billy Hargrove/Max Mayfield noncon) .

Content warning on the rest of this post for discussion of sexual assault/sexual abuse/sibling incest, underage (older teen/very young teen), physical abuse, misogyny. The fic is explicit (heed the warnings, seriously) but the discussion here is more general.

Obvious things up top — the title comes from the Patti Smith version of “Gloria”, ‘Jesus died for somebody’s sins, but not mine’. There’s legitimate line by line commentary on the song that digs into Smith’s thoughts and intentions with the lyric, which you can find here.

So much of Max’s s4 plotline is about shame, guilt, and being the opposite of free — grieving someone who hurt her very badly. She has so much to unpack by then.

The big throughline that jumps out at me here is all the very gendered bullying and verbal cruelty Billy uses toward Max — he uses the ancient abuser rhetoric of “teaching” her sexually, but he also frames it as teaching her to be a woman, to be sexually accessible and under his power. He really wants to break her down from any possible angle, and that makes this especially raw. From Billy’s side of things he’s very violently putting his attraction to her into terms he can understand, turning what should be a very fleeting confused thought in a confusing situation into something infinitely worse, but he’s also exorcising his anger at her independence and his own sense of powerlessness. Billy’s also young here, though certainly beyond old enough to be responsible for himself and to have there be a serious dynamic of power — to characters the Party’s age, he might as well be a full grown adult, but relative to actual adults he’s a shitty kid. I wanted to show how his aggressive embrace of a harsh and toxic model of 1980s masculinity is an overreaction to cover up his own experiences of abuse, being derided as weak and feminized, and to reframe the confusing experience of being desirable and desired even to adults in terms of his power over women. It’s not coincidental to me imo that his Big Moment of armor-piercing, monster-defeating humanity is in the context of his relationship with his mom and who he could have been if he’d escaped that trap of violent machismo/who he might be able to claw his way back to being again if he wasn’t getting fatally possessed by a Mind Flayer.

Billy’s a hot villain but I can’t get into fanworks that elide his bigotry and scariness. He’s pitiful but he’s also really fucking scary in a way that supernatural/otherworldly baddies can’t be to me.

Max’s confusion and resistance to being forced into this role of sexualized object is complicated by her own age-appropriate attraction to girls and similarly pretty normal interest around sex — those recollections and feelings are getting muddled together here and it was important to me to have that layer present. I love bi Max and her relationship to Eleven is so sweet and liberatory, so it’s important to me that her joyful presentation of “girly” stuff like fashion is so focused on self expression and being your own boss, which Eleven desperately needs both as a former institutional prisoner and a kid chafing to grow up under a pretty controlling father figure. (I really hated the whole “Hopper freaks out about Eleven doing teen stuff” plotline, and in addition to that her whole “escaped government captive” thing means that even his absolute best parenting has to be pretty restricted by circumstances.)

I had to do a bunch of reading about the interior of Billy’s stupid car — big ups to all the car nerds who have meticulously documented every car ever depicted on film — for another much more fun explicit fic and revisiting that for this one was a real “what the hell am I doing… I could be writing this same character getting railed on the hood of his Camaro by a consenting douchebag adult instead of viciously furthering the cycle of male violence by abusing his kid sister…”

I write a lot of villain/heroine dynamics but I don’t write a lot of sibling incest pairings and the sibling factor here makes everything sooooo much worse.

This fic is a fucking bummer! That’s my final word. Out of all the grim shit I’ve written this might be the grimmest.