#(and the post didn't have instructions so i can't be doing anything wrong)

[shirogane-oushirou]

no promises anymoooooreeeee i'll appear online when i appear online 😭 every time i say "ooh i think life is almost done being overwhelming!" it. becomes even more overwhelming in the dumbest ways. all i can manage rn when i'm not stressing myself into a shut-down state is staring at the wall while listening to youtube essays + mindlessly crocheting.

i might queue up ppls art and fics w/o commentary in the tags... i want other ppl to see what all of my cool friends have made, but i genuinely can't think right now with this monstrous brain fog. i'm really sorry, just. yeah. maybe i'll think of some way to make it up later!!! once the dust has settled!!!! but until then i wuv u and miss u. smiles.

[venting in tags including familial manipulation and ableism. i. didn't mean to write all of that, thiss was originally going to be a main blog post but. aaaaaAAAAAA!!!!!

also no need for replies or anything, i'd turn them off for just the one post if i could kjsndkn, i just needed to get things out and go eep jsjndsfdn ok bye bye bye bye!!!!]

[spotforme]

I got tagged in the 'get to know you' tag game by @an-egg-on-it witch is just awesome, thank you!

Fav ship: it's patcap as might have been obvious. (but Hawkeye x Charles is a close second and it feels weird not to mention it)

First ship: it was likely Rarity and Applejack.

Last song: Lucifer's Court by Civil War, but know i'm trying to keep myself awake to correct my sleeping schetulelule.

Currently reading: too many books. (Sistersin Veljekset by Patrick DeWitt[cowboykillers], Etsijät (the tird part, Savuvuori) by Erin Hunter[bears], Mersumies by Stephen King[ohmurder], Kymmenen Vuosituhatta by Eero Ojanen & Olli Jalonen[history], Kenelle Naakat Laulavat by Johanna Elomaa[no idea i just started]) i don't know how people resist the urge to start new books, it seems like an easier life, like a gift.

Last movie: Bill. i was doing some doodles, it was fun.

Currently watching: Solar Opposites. i like it.

Consuming: AIR!

Currently working on: waking up at 7 at the latest.

i really don't know what i'm doing so here are some people i hope i'm not bothering by asking this : @disappointedart @parttimesarah @lagoonnebula6523 @holeinawall @nasa but if you do answer then thanks. (ignoring this is also an option)

[luveline]

hi jade !! this is me resending my hotch request bc of ur recent post 🤍 i sent the one about hotch taking care of bau!reader who has a really bad stomachache, thanks so much, i think you’re amazing 💞💞💞

thank you for requesting angel! fem

You do this sad thing with your hands when you're in pain. Aaron wishes he didn't know your tell, that he'd never had reason to understand it, but he does. Your fingers, in particular your pinky, curl toward your palm frenetically, and he has an ample view of your closed off face in the chair opposite. He can pin the moment he knows you're in pain down to the minute twitch of your lip. 

He peeks at Morgan where he lays on the couch before leaning across the table to touch your arm. The jet offers little privacy, so Aaron tries to be delicate. 

“L/N? Are you alright?” 

“Mm,” you hum, too high-pitched to have come out the way you meant it. 

“What's wrong?” 

“Nothing.” You say this, and yet you can't open your eyes, leaning less than subtly away from him as though your pain is catching.

Aaron keeps his head down as he stands so as not to attract attention. You've sat near the wall, leaving an empty seat for him to sit in. “Hey,” he says, touching the crook of your elbow, wanting to fix it, soothe the twitch from your hand, “you're in pain.” 

“It's nothing.” 

“Saying it won't necessarily make it true,” he says. 

“It felt worth trying.” 

He is genuinely perturbed to see you in pain like this without explanation. “You have to tell me what's wrong.” 

“Hotch, I…” you say, your voice wrought with embarrassment as you open your eyes, “it's just my stomach hurts. That's all.” 

“Sharp pains?” 

“Just hurts. Nothing dire.” 

“How do you know?” he asks. 

“Happens sometimes.” 

He puts his arm around you, careful not to jostle your back. You're tense as a rubber band about to snap. It's unlike you to be the more rigid of the two of you, less foreign for Hotch to have softened, especially when it's you. “How often?” he asks, wary of the tears brimming like silver at the corners of your eyes. 

“Just sometimes, I don't know.” You speak in a concise, panicked tenor. 

In this line of work, it could be anything. Not eating enough, not having time to stop for breath. You could be thirsty, sick, anxious, stressed into pain. It could be purely psychosomatic or you could be injured. He can't remember you taking any blows during the last few days away. It could be your period. You might not want to mention that. 

“Y/N,” he says, falling out of boss mode now he's sure it's not going to kill you, and into someone who cares for you, “what can I do?” 

You shudder a breath, slouched under his touch. “It's not that bad.” 

It's clearly a shocking amount of pain. Your shuddering worsens as he pulls you into his side. He's prepared to sit with you until you can give him better instructions, or until the pain passes, or, God forbid, things get worse. “I'm here,” he says, rubbing your arm gently. “Try to breathe.” 

He's wondering why you might think this amount of pain is normal, or acceptable. Wondering why he shouldn't just call for medical assistance here and now, but then you start to come around, your face shining with perspiration. “Oh,” you sigh, wiping your face with your sleeve, leaning into your hand, hiding. 

“Is it getting better?” he asks. 

“I think it's anxiety or something.” Your breath slips out in disjointed huffs. 

He can't guess what it is. Have you been to the doctor? he wants to ask, but perhaps in a moment, when you're steady in yourself again. “From the jet?” 

“No. Maybe.” You frown. 

“Jack doesn't understand that I'm on a plane.” 

You lift your gaze in confusion. Aaron moves onwards.

“He doesn't understand that this is a plane. I brought him by, once, to try to explain why I can't always answer the phone. It's thick metal, you know?” It was an easier explanation than having no signal in the sky. “But he didn't get that it was something that could move. I had to take him to the airport. We watched…” He slows as your eyes meet his completely. “We watched them take off for hours. Now he doesn't get so angry when I don't answer.” 

“Jack was angry?” you ask, half incredulous. 

“A bit.” He tries to string the story together before you can realise what it is he's doing, his arm curling around your from behind, fingers making the most tenuous of circles into the very side of your stomach. A barely there sort of comfort. “It's not like him. He reminds me of his mom when he's angry.” 

Your smile is a physical relief to see. “Does he have tantrums?” 

“Doesn't every kid?” 

You talk about Jack in dulcet tones while he tries to keep the pain at bay, his arm steadfast behind you, your faces closer than they have any platonic business being. He'll pester you into doctors appointments when you touch down, but for now, he just holds you and talks to you like everything is normal. 

You cover his hand with yours when the pain starts anew, talking through it, pain in the soft line of your bottom lip. 

“Am I hurting you?” he asks. You give him a weak smile. He feels awful, but it makes his heart race. So close, and so pretty, and so upset. “Is there anything I can do?” 

An embarrassing amount of weight lies in ‘anything’. You shake your head, whispering, “Nothing. This is enough.” 

Aaron pulls you in closer and wraps both of his arms around you, hiding you from the others, an aimless attempt to protect you from a pain he can't touch. Someone puts a cup of tea on the table for you, but otherwise you're left alone for the rest of the flight. 

[restinslices]

.

Can I request a scenario where the lin kuei brothers, after rescuing the reader from an enemy who was torturing the reader, react to the hijacked!reader(idk, if you read/watched the hunger games especially mockingjay, if you didn't then hijacking in hunger games is a form brainwashing involving the venom of tracker-jackers(mutated wasps whose venom can cause hallucinations and can painfully kill a person) to alter the memories of a person in a negative manner), who reacts violently towards them and bring afraid of them, calling them a monster and verbally berating them.

I haven’t seen those movies in years but I watched some videos and looked at the wiki so I hope I got it right! I also added a Drabble for everyone as a “my bad” cause I took so long.

Also it is 5:09pm. The danger time (look at previous post. Weather shit) is until 7pm. I’m hoping we stay fine but bitch it’s raining and I hear thunder and saw lightning. Send help😭

Bitch I’m proof reading and my lights flickered-

Anger is much easier and better to feel than sadness or grief, so he forces himself to feel that instead 

The second he realizes that you've been taken by enemies, he's in a rage 

He's visibly more angry and harsh towards everyone 

He hardly sleeps or lets himself relax because that means he's not looking for you 

Someone could take a break to sit and he's asking why they aren't doing anything to help 

Once you're found he's relieved and wants to see you immediately 

All that stress slips from his shoulders when he sees that you're alive and safe 

That stress is immediately dumped back on his shoulders when instead of pulling him into a hug, you run at him and wrap your hands around his throat 

As you can imagine, he has no problem pushing you off, but he's thrown so off guard because why would he ever expect you to attack him?

You don't come to your senses and his confusion rises when you attack him again by jumping on him and trying to strangle him again 

If you weren't trying to murder him, he'd be impressed with how you hang on despite how many times he's hit you 

Having to knock you out takes a lot out of him mentally. I mean, come on y'all. You were missing for so long and instead of hugging and loving each other when you finally saw each other, you attacked him like a wild animal and he actually had to defend himself 

When he's told what Hijacking is, all that anger comes back 

Some sick fuck took you from him, tortured you in various ways and managed to change your memories to something negative. How could he not be angry? They destroyed you with such precision. It was sick. 

Bi-Han is advised not to see you again. Anyone could guess that he wouldn't listen 

He had hope that maybe you just needed rest, but that didn't seem to work 

You forgot you were strapped down and tried to run at him again. You fussed with your straps in an attempt to get free and yelled in frustration 

Bi-Han doesn't know what to say. In an attempt to comfort you, he says “we'll fix you”

“There's always something wrong with me, isn't there?” You sneered with resentment. 

He kept talking to you and it seemed like no memory was left safe. Every single memory was tainted. The image of him was tainted. Why? Why did this have to happen to someone as kind as you? Why not to him? Or, as dick head-ish it sounded, a random Lin Kuei member?

All his efforts go to finding a way to reverse it. And I can see him being angry at Liu Kang because he can't reverse it. It fuels a resentment he already holds for him

“Grandmaster, I have been instructed to not let you in this room” a Lin Kuei member said in his best stern voice. Bi-Han didn't have time for this. He had just been informed that somehow Liu Kang couldn't save you, which made absolutely no sense to him. Liu Kang, this powerful god that created the universe itself couldn't fix this one person in the universe? Someone who deserved to be saved the most out of everyone?

“Your Grandmaster didn't give you this order, did I?”. The Lin Kuei swallowed hard and tried to stammer something out, but Bi-Han pushed him out the way and went inside the formally blocked room. 

You looked over at him, still with hate in your eyes. Your brows were low, your mouth in a deep frown, your arms and legs strapped to the bed. Your face was less bruised than it was when you first arrived, so he guessed he was thankful for that. 

“You look like shit” you said. 

“I've been worried about you” he answered honestly.

“Bullshit. You lie. You always lie”

“Who told you that?” he stepped closer to you although he knew he shouldn't. “Our enemies made you think this. They lied to you. They tortured you because they knew it'd hurt me. Because I love you”. He wasn't sure he's loved anyone as much as he loves you. But you wouldn't believe him. You kept saying he was lying and you had no idea how much it killed him to see you, but not have you. 

You stared at him blankly while thinking. You smirked at him and motioned for him to come even closer. He didn't though. The various wounds he had kept him from keeping hope of you changing. 

“Do you think your father let out a sigh of relief when he realized he was dying and getting away from you? Your mother as well? Being around you is the worst torture imaginable and I can't wait until I'm set free too”. 

Kuai Liang vows that he'll find and bring you back home no matter what 

He's also uneasy and on edge the entire time 

No stone is left unturned. He's checking every possible area and is suspicious of everyone 

He knows you'll have some sort of trauma, so when you're found, he tries to give you space 

Just enough time for doctors to look you over 

When he visits you the last thing he expects is for you to do is scream and try to get away from him 

He tries to get closer to you and comfort you but you keep screaming and accusing him of trying to hurt you 

He's confused. He would never do such a thing to you. He hardly even play fought with you because he was so worried about him accidentally hurting you 

You keep clinging to the doctors and yelling at him to stay away 

He just doesn't understand how something like this can happen. He keeps trying to comfort you but you're terrified of him

He has to be dragged out because he doesn't wanna leave at all 

When he's told what's happened to you he's confused how this is even possible and he wonders if he can ever get you back 

It's not necessarily just “I want my partner back”. It's also “they didn't deserve to have their light taken away”

You stay terrified of him so he tries to stay away from you 

He checks in when you're sleep and he peeks at you when you're not paying attention 

A two way mirror is a way to watch you as well 

Honestly he'd rather have you angry at him than afraid of him

You look so broken and shaken and it's killing him 

The same way he vowed to find you is the same way he vows to save you 

Meanwhile he has other people talk to you for him. He's trying to see if maybe someone else can make you realize that he's not some monster that you've been brainwashed to believe 

It doesn't seem to work, but he keeps trying. He refuses to give up on you. 

Kuai Liang was warned that this could possibly be a bad idea, but he didn't care. What was he supposed to do? Not try? Just let you sit and rot? No. Maybe he didn't have any magical abilities that could cure you, but he could still try. 

He watched through the 2 way mirror as Tomas approached you. You were a lot nicer to him and more comfortable around him. As bad as it sounded, it made him feel awful that Tomas was your comfort instead of him. 

Tomas tried to ease you into a conversation about Kuai Liang and he watched you tense and sit up. Did you think he was going to rush in and attack you? No. There had to be some parts of you still in there. 

“Kuai Liang isn't a bad person. You've been lied to-”

“He killed your family”. 

Tomas cleared his throat, uncomfortable. “Kuai Liang was too young to-”

“They’re all killers!” You snapped. “They'll kill me! He'll kill me! Did he send you in here to weaken me?!” You looked around the room in fear and Kuai Liang stupidly ran in there to comfort you as a reflex.. He realized his mistake when he caught your eye and you fell out of your bed trying to get away. 

“HE'S HERE!” You screeched like a banshee and crawled to the farthest wall. “HE'S HERE! HE'S HERE!”. Tomas gripped Kuai Liang’s shoulders and pushed him away. He knew he shouldn't have been in there, but a part of him still fought back against the younger man. 

“GET AWAY! GET AWAY FAST! HE'S HERE! HE'S HERE! HE'LL HURT ME!” You kept screaming and clawed at your face. 

Tomas closed the door in Kuai Liang’s face with a remorseful look. The man stayed there and listened to you scream and destroy things around you. He didn't move or cover his ears. He deserved to listen. It was his punishment for not finding you in time. 

This is gonna sound bad, but when you go missing, he already assumes you're dead 

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst type shit 

He's no stranger to death and obviously he doesn't WANT you to be dead, but he prepares himself for if that's the case 

Don't think he's not searching tho. He’s always looking for you. He's not even eating 

When they find you he's so relieved 

He has the doctors tell him how you are because as much as he wants to see you, he knows he gotta let them do their job 

He feels so bad because all the reports he's getting are terrible. Each bruise he's told about shatters him 

He brings flowers when he's finally allowed to visit you 

When you attack him he's thrown completely off guard 

He doesn't even really defend himself at first because he's never had to defend himself from you 

At first he thinks you're angry with him because he failed to protect you. When he's told what really happened, he wished it was the first one instead 

He blames himself for not protecting you, so he'd understand that 

You being tortured and your memories being toyed with? It was terrible. He'd say he wished the tables were turned and he was tortured, but he'd never want you to feel how he feels 

He keeps trying to communicate with you but you keep screaming and trying to kill him 

Honestly he'd deal with all of that without any complaints. He just keeps being told it's not a good idea and not good for your recovery 

The insults, the foul language, the physical attacks, none of it hurts as much as the knowledge that there's a possibility he won't get you back 

He has gifts sent to you but never says it's from him 

He has old pictures sent to you too hoping that it'll spark something 

He'll keep trying to save you even if it kills him 

Tomas’ heart thumped hard and rapidly in his chest as he walked to your room, bouquet in hand. He knew flowers wouldn't solve whatever happened to you, but he hoped it'd cheer you up somewhat. He had finally been allowed to visit you after what felt like forever and while he wasn't happy to see how bad you looked, he was happy to see you alive. 

He pushed the door open and your frame came into view. Bandages covered the bruises on your face and body, but thankfully you had showered since you arrived. He hoped feeling clean gave you a sense of relief or peace. He just hoped you felt better. 

You saw Tomas and your brows furrowed- no. That couldn't be. You wouldn't look at him like… nah. 

“Tomas?” You said. 

“It's me”. He turned to set the flowers down and immediately heard people yelling your name. He turned, scared he'd see you having some sort of medical complication. What he didn't expect was to feel you shove him against the wall then onto the ground. 

“MUTT! POISONOUS MUTT!”. He screamed as he felt something pierce his shoulder. It was a scissor. He hadn't even seen you grab it. How were you that fast and why were you doing this?

“Stop!” he shouted. You stared at him with loathing and hatred, which was something he couldn't wrap his head around. He winced when you pulled the scissor out. 

He blocked you from stabbing him in the chest. You looked angered and pushed on your hand to try and stab him. “What's wrong with you?” he whispered, his eyes wide in fright. 

The scissor was ripped from your hand and you were pulled off him by multiple doctors and others who heard the commotion. He got to his feet and watched as you kept trying to break free from their grip. 

“MUTT! POISONOUS MUTT!” You repeated. “HE KILLED HIS FAMILY! HE'LL LEAD US TO OUR DEMISE! POISON! TOXIC!I HAVE TO KILL HIM!” You screeched and kept struggling. He held his bloodied shoulder in disbelief. 

What had happened to you?

Once again, apologies it took so long. My writing break was timed POORLY

[azulsluver]

I just binge read your bully au for twst and OMG! What if MC ends up cracking, going numb to protect themselves. They still do as told, but they have sky eyes, no emotion. Who would keep pushing to see them fully break, or who would just dump them like trash!?! Hell, who would enjoy them losing the fight in them!

tw: yandere, bully!characters, blood mention, unhealthy relationships/behavior, victim blaming.

Disclaimer, you don’t actually want this n stay safe from people like this!

Continue tormenting for fun:

Leona

Doesn't take you seriously. That's it? You're giving up already, gosh you really can't do anything by yourself...Leona is less than disappointed, in fact he knew good things would come to an end. But you still serve some purpose to him, Leona can't find himself to throw away his favorite toy, some things are just meant worth keeping. Even when broken and used.

Sebek

I don't think he'd catch on very quick, how you follow his instructions yet when the heel of his boot hits your back you make no sound of pain. Sebek should've known humans were too weak to handle his training, being pushed a little really got you that gone? This will only give Sebek the advantage to harm you further, he likes taking his frustration out on you without you screaming.

Lilia

You lasted longer than the others, and he'll applause you for that. Lilia doesn't necessarily hate this new you, embracing it but continues to see just exactly how far you can go. You're only in a shell, and he's not dumb, Lilia will stare longingly into your hollowed orbs, there is still a hint of you. Hiding away from him, Lilia is only fueled to either have you brain dead or back.

Rook

You're absolutely divine, he'll say as he wipes the trickling blood on your lips. You can't fool Rook with those dead-beat eyes, in fact this new look is beautiful. Rook craves for more of this expression you possess, he's seen you smile and cry, he wants to unravel more until you actually break. Rook has done some research on how the human mind can shut down when pushed into pressure, the thought of your alive yet corpse like body not instructing as told, he knows you're still in there.

Jamil

Jamil is conflicted with himself, you're alive but not yourself. A part of him enjoys the fact you won't refuse his affections. But did he really want this? Don't get this the wrong way, Jamil still prefers to beat you into submission, a sick part of him loves you so much yet he can't reciprocate his feelings to you. Understanding that this new you, will help ease his overwhelming emotions, he doesn't need to pretend anymore. Your clouded eyes are what he loves best.

Vil

Recents posts of him explain that Vil absolutely needs you just to take his anger out on. He’s in love with you no doubt, but embarrassment shames him from normally communicating with you. So even if you were emotionless he’d find some use, because he can’t get rid of you no matter how badly beaten your skin is. It’s you, and he’ll have no other person.

Epel

Didn’t know how to react at first. Epel kicks you a couple of times to see how you’d react. I think he because you aren’t responding to any of his criticisms does he ponder. He’s smitten with you, creating a fake narrative on his behavior that what he’s doing is ok, when he’s well aware it isn’t. Keeps you around because your nice to relieve stress from, doesn’t mind if you aren’t screaming and crying.

Toss them away (but he'll start thinking about you then wants you back eventually):

Jade

What a shame...he knew it was a bad idea to share with Floyd. You broke so easily, so fast, just when things were getting good. What good of an experiment if they give the same reaction, you aren't screaming as much as he expected. And the worse part is you listen to exactly what he asks for, there is no hesitation or breaking down to crying, you really are willing to cut off your hand? How boring.

Floyd

Frustrated, acts as if he didn't expected this to happen. Floyd is throwing a huge tantrum once he finds out you don't kick or scream at him. He misses the terror in your eyes when he asks you a question of such, now you're giving him a blank look! Not safe to say, if Azul or Jade wasn't there, you would've been dead for good, Floyd can't handle the fact his shrimpy is lame now. Out of pure anger, he would let his feelings get the best of him.

Kalim

At first he wouldn't notice your change of behavior. But that spark in you is gone now, Kalim doesn't want broken things. You were fun to play with, because he usually got high off the power he held over you, his stress toy won't even give him a proper bark. I mean you do bark, just not with enough enthusiasm. Like a fussing child, Kalim would have you thrown out, until he starts to miss having you beside his feet....

Cater

Makes the saddest noise when he notices how little you react to his touches. Slaps your cheeks a couple of times to make sure. Dramatically mourns over your past self before rudely telling you how you weren’t gonna last long with him either way. It’s been a nice ride with you he says, leaving with a kiss on the forehead. It’s cruel but depressing, because on his end he’s up at night staring at the photos of your more lively self. He misses those terrified eyes..

Enjoys the new MC and somewhat stops:

Riddle

The fire within you finally died, no more to fuel to feed. Just burnt ashes laying pitifully on the floor, grimy and unusual. Riddle is relived, he had proved a point to himself. All of his hard work to make you into the perfect person, docile and understanding. Riddle now has no reason to push you, you're at your fullest degree. You do as told, and no one gets hurt, physically and emotionally. (he's just like his mom frfr)

Ace

At a sense of peace. Once Ace understands that you are no longer you but a fragment he's thrilled. His mean names slowly die down, much more softer and cheesy when talking to you. If you're still there, disgusted or not he'd lay his head on your shoulder and mumble to you how much of a coward he was to confess. But all went well, the paranoia of you rejecting him gone. I mean what else can a lifeless you do?

Deuce

Has no other reason to bully you. You’re doing things just as he wanted and he couldn’t be happier. Like Ace he was paranoid of your rejection. But you don’t stray away from his rough hands massaging your cheek, kisses that bruise your lips. It’s heaven for him, he wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

Malleus

He didn’t think you’d break so fast. Malleus barely lays a hand on you yet his words cut deep. Perhaps you finally learned your place, all that hard work and learning how to court a single-minded human like you payed off. You won’t have to face the wrath of his verbal abuse because he’s nothing but sweet to you. You look lovely no matter how bad it gets.

Ruggie

Ruggie didn’t go extreme measures to hurt you that bad. Maybe he got to you before the others could take advantage of your newfound persona. Like he always do, Ruggie takes care of things. By things he means you. Sure you’re practically not yourself anymore but it’s still you in some shape and form. His words won’t mean nothing to damage you, so now you’ll be taken under his care. Best person to be with in this situation.

Idia

Shitty attitude stopped so quick. Was leaning more to tossing you away but Idia gets attached quickly. He would never admit but you’re his favorite pastime everything, he can’t ditch you. So eventually all of his bullying stop because there is nothing to get a reaction from. Much more calmer and talkative around you. It’s nice knowing you aren’t actively judging him as he talks, no cover ups to be douche.

Jack

Once the numbers of people targeting you goes down does he step in. Jack is worried, genuinely. I think reader being emotionless snaps something inside of him, does he claim to protect you fully and run away from everyone else. His guilt that you turned out this way eats him, but he downs it out by telling himself you brought too much attention now he must clean the mess up.

Silver

There is a good case scenario if Malleus wasn’t so attached to you and Sebek left you alone!! Lilia can see how devastated Silver is once he finds out your condition. You’re almost lifeless, Lilia let’s Silver care for you because he finally found the guts to ask. Silver tends to your needs, all those years of standing from afar and watching you get hurt somewhat paid off. You’re dependent on him and he doesn’t wanna admit how good it feels.

Trey

Settles down like some retired man. He’s happy you found peace and stop causing trouble. You’ll be in his full care now, sure he’ll have his usual sadistic tendencies but it’s much more tame and softer. He doesn’t mind however if you come back to him all bruised and sore, he will feed and clothe you back to health. Over and over again. At least he stops his bullying behavior for a while.

[wings-of-ink]

I was thinking about an ask I wrote some time ago where MC asked Duri to teach them, if possible, to also be able to turn into a wolf. And Duri, in your answer, used the opportunity to make fun of MC.

But here is a funny scenario: What if against everyone's expectations, MC did end up turning into a wolf after following Duri's instructions. After all, we don't know MC's true origins. By all we know, MC may have some God blood in them, and may possibly be able to turn into an animal and just didn't know.

If you want it would be lovely if, like the original ask, both Oswin and Duri were present. But I understand if you want to limit the scenario to just Duri.

Hilarity and chaos would ensue. This is a fun one, lol. ^_^

Link to the first post:

Picking up where we left off:

You feel the burn of embarrassment as you turn your back on the laughing god and start to follow Oswin. You can't help but pout too...you wanted it so badly. Duri may have made a fool of you, but it doesn't stop you from admiring their wolf-form. You want that for yourself, it calls to your spirit. There's a pull, an unspoken link with your soul.

As you make it through the trees, Oswin sighs heavily. "I should have interrupted sooner...I shouldn't have left you alone with that idiot..."

"It's fine. Maybe I was silly to ask such a thing." You shrink in on yourself.

Oswin stops. "I don't think it's silly. This world is more fantastic than either of us thought...it's not wrong to want to play a bigger part in that."

You can't help but smile a bit. "You really think so?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I do. You're already fantastic in other ways - you don't need to be a magic wolf or anything to be great." He turns to you with a wide and sweet smile, his eyes shining with something unspoken.

The humiliation you feel slowly drifts away as you match his gaze...until his brow begins to furrow. "What's wrong?" you ask.

"Your...well, your eyes..."

"What about them?" You touch the side of your face, perhaps you have dirt near your eyes.

"They're...um, they're glowing." Oswin looks a mix of fright and wonder as he stares at you.

You can barely register what he says before the light bursts from your eyes and surrounds you. You see Oswin flinch from the brightness as you feel a sudden warm sensation in all your limbs. And then, it's over. You look around, and nothing seems unusual...except...now you feel shorter. Why am I shorter? And your clothes...are on the ground. Why am I naked!?

Oswin looks down at you, mouth agape.

You make to speak, but it comes out as a yip. Oh...oooooh.

Duri rushes through the brush behind you. "What was that? I felt..." They spot you.

As you meet Duri's eyes you feel a flood or warmth - a connection - and your heart pulls in excitement. Whatever feelings you had for Duri before are amplified and a whine leaves your throat without your realization.

Duri cups a hand over their mouth and looks from you to Oswin and then back. "They're so cute..."

You growl.

Oswin kneels. "I don't know what to say..."

You watch him closely and notice he's smiling. He's giving you the same look he gets when he sees puppies and seems to be resisting reaching out to pat you. I think he likes this...

Gently, Duri turns your attention back to them. "I had a feeling you had secrets, lambchop, but nothing like this...I hope we're not related..."

You show your teeth - are you smiling or snarling - that's a gamble Duri will need to take.

"What a pretty coat too." Duri guffaws.

I wonder what I look like...

The demigod grins. "Difficult to describe, but your face is black and so are your ears, but the rest of you is a lovely mottled silver. Your eyes are the same color but much lighter than normal - they sort of glow."

You tilt your head.

"And, yes, I can hear you...in a way."

Oswin scoots into your line of sight. "Would you...would you permit me to pat your head? Please?"

Your tail wags.

Oswin gently rubs your head and ears - it feels spectacular. Duri joins in and scritches your chin. No wonder wolves and dogs scramble for this.

Humming in thought, Duri looks you over. "I wonder why you are normal wolf size...maybe you'll grow into it - I was really small when I started. You should get as big as me and we can terrorize the forest together...scare the shit out of the locals." A wicked grin plasters across their face.

Oswin is cupping your furry cheeks, smiling as he gazes at you. "This is wonderful, but I do hope you know how to change back..."

Shit.

[sparkles-rule-4eva]

🎵 Whoooo wants a nice little short 'n sweet post-Prime one shot with Sonic and Tails and some angst and also fluff and cuddles and nightmares and sadness and cuteness and the implementing of that one headcanon from the post I made about Sonic getting more cuddly and clingy when he's hurt or upset??? 🎵

Sonic Prime - Healing Hugs

Something had happened in the cave with Sonic. Tails was absolutely certain of it.

At first, it had just been pleasant changes, pleasant surprises. Sonic had suddenly switched to being a 100% team player, had started paying attention to each and every thing Tails instructed, and seemingly communicated with Shadow just as the Ultimate Lifeform arrived out of nowhere to Chaos Control the Paradox Prism to who-knows-where.

Then there had been the more weird changes.

Every time Tails opened his mouth, Sonic would drop everything to listen to every word with laser focus, even if it was about something as simple as what he was going to get for dinner or some cool comics he'd read. He was giving a lot more hugs, too, far more than usual. Sonic used to be a lot more selective about physical affection, but now, Tails couldn't seem to get through 30 minutes of a day without his older brother scooping him up in an embrace, however brief. Not that he was complaining, it was nice.

He kept catching the hedgehog lying around in the grass, fingering the green leaves with utter delight in his eyes. Once he found him on the beach, sitting in a palm tree and singing some kind of pirate-y sounding song. Another time he found him wandering slowly around the woods nearby, talking to the flickies about how pretty the trees were.

Something was off, but Tails couldn't put his finger on it. From his perspective, he hadn't seen anything out of the ordinary happen during the battle in the cave, but Sonic's change in behavior made it painfully obvious something had.

Especially when the more negative changes started manifesting.

Not negative in a sense that Sonic was doing anything wrong. But he seemed . . . a little rattled. Some of his hugs were far more than just quick side squeezes. Sometimes he'd stare at Tails with an oddly pensive, faraway look in his eyes.

In bed, one night about a week after the cave incident, Tails found himself tossing and turning. These thoughts were driving him up the wall with how often they'd been occupying his mind lately.

He wanted so badly to sit down with Sonic and ask him what happened. He knew something had happened. But whether Sonic was willing to talk about it was another question entirely. He knew something was different, but he also knew his brother. Sonic didn't like uncomfortable conversations. If he felt unsafe, he would run.

Tails knew better than to confront him with questions that Sonic would likely not want to answer. If he'd wanted to tell Tails what was going on, what was different, he probably would've told him already.

With an exhausted sigh, Tails gave up trying to sleep and sat up in bed, casting a quick glance at the digital clock on his nightstand.

3:47 a.m.

Great. Even when I'm not working on a project, I STILL end up sleep-deprived. He smirked. At least Sonic can't get ticked at me this time, it's not my fault.

Speaking of the Blue Devil, he was right down the hall. Conked out on the couch, where he often slept. In fact, he'd been sleeping there every night for the past week.

Since he couldn't sleep, anyway, Tails slipped out of bed and crept down the hall, having memorized which boards creaked and which ones didn't. He half-hoped Sonic was awake so he'd have someone to talk to, but as he emerged into the living room, he saw his brother sound asleep, half-curled on his side.

Tails blinked and looked closer.

Sonic was asleep, but . . . he was also clinging extra tightly to his pillow. And he looked . . . incredibly stressed.

Was he having a bad dream?

Tails took a couple steps towards the couch until he stood right beside it. In past experiences where he'd found his brother having a nightmare, talking it out rarely helped. Sometimes even waking him up didn't help, either. He usually just wound up disoriented and panicking, and sometimes even ran off to deal with his feelings alone out in the wilderness.

Tails really didn't want him to leave. He also didn't want him to be alone.

He reached out and ever so gently placed his hand over Sonic's clenched fist, both ungloved.

One thing he had discovered about his brother during hard times like this was that he became more clingy. On the rare occasion he was visibly upset, he'd sometimes come up and just hug Tails without a word. When he was sick or injured somehow (and actually allowing himself to be taken care of), he tended to snuggle more. If he was in enough pain, he'd hold onto Tails as tightly as he could. Sometimes he'd do the same with their other friends, but Tails was always his go-to.

Not that it happened very often. Tails only knew these things because he'd known Sonic for most of his life. Sonic had raised him. He'd seen more of Sonic than anyone else had.

Now, he rubbed a finger over his brother's fist for a moment, then very carefully tugged the pillow out of Sonic's unconscious grasp. He set it softly on the floor, then carefully clambered onto the couch next to him, lay down, and hugged him tightly.

Without waking up, Sonic wrapped his arms around him in return and held him close, burying his face between Tails's ears with a barely audible whimper.

Tails could feel his brother's heartbeat racing, so he snuggled in closer and softly began to purr.

And, with time, he felt Sonic start to calm down.

A couple minutes went by, and his heart rate slowed down just a bit. The tension coiled throughout his entire body started to unwind, and his spiked-up quills lowered slightly in a more relaxed position. His ears were still kinda droopy, but he seemed a lot more restful than he had a few minutes ago.

Tails smiled, still bundled up tightly against Sonic. And his smile only grew wider when he felt his brother start purring, too.

There was something infinitely comforting about being held, about snuggling with his brother, the person who loved him to the moon and back. The person he loved in exactly the same way. For those moments, the very problems that had been keeping Tails awake half an hour earlier seemed to fade. He was here, Sonic was here, no words were spoken or needed, and they would be okay.

Tails slept soundly for the rest of the night.

-

The sound of flickies singing from the treetops woke Sonic the next day. He blinked blearily as his eyes came into focus, and he realized that Tails had joined him sometime during the night.

Once upon a time, waking up to find him right there had made him jump. It didn't anymore.

He smiled, carefully adjusting one hand so he could stroke his little brother's bangs and give him a tiny scratch behind one ear. Tails mumbled something unintelligible in his sleep, and snuggled closer in Sonic's chest.

He grinned wider. Tails hadn't been snuggly to this level in a while. Granted, he'd always been the more snuggly one of the two of them, but still. It kind of reminded Sonic of the first couple years he'd been taking care of Tails, when the kit was between 3 and 4 years old.

His smile faded a little as he thought of Nine at that age, still alone, still being bullied and hurt, with no one to save him and show him the love and care he deserved.

He could only hope that the other Shatterverse variants were showing him such kindness now. The thought that he would never get to see him again made his heart ache in a way he couldn't quell.

Sonic studied Tails's sleeping face, noting the intense similarities and differences between him and Nine. He wondered whether Nine had always existed even before the Shatter event, as a part of his little brother that Tails would never bring to light. Was it the same with Mangey and Sails?

A tiny snort escaped him against his will as he thought about whether Mangey's existence was an implication that a part of Tails just wanted to go a little feral. Sometimes he couldn't blame him.

His suppressed laugh had Tails stirring, blinking open his big blue eyes. He looked back at Sonic, grinning sleepily. "G'morning."

Sonic ruffled his bangs again, smiling as Tails giggled. "G'morning, little buddy."

Stop calling me that!

He froze at the memory of Nine's angry shout, and Tails clearly saw it.

"Are you okay?" he asked with a gentle, inquiring frown, slowly sitting up.

Sonic sighed as he sat up as well, leaning back to stretch, then pulled his little brother close again. "I've got a story for you, bud," he admitted, deciding it was about time to open up about what had really happened in the cave.

Tails gazed up at him with surprise, but then smiled and nodded.

"I'm listening," he replied quietly.

AO3 version

Did I come up with this while hugging a giant pillow during my nap earlier today? Maybe :3

I also maybe just really wanted to implement that headcanon somewhere teehee

[kitorin]

boyfriend headcanons ! itoshi rin

contents. how you met, how you got to know each other, when he realized he liked you, how you started dating, dates, all fluff

warning. rin backstory spoilers, i can't write kiss scenes either, written with all lowercase intended, it's word vomit bc school has screwed me up mentally and i can't think properly atp lmao

a/n. reo, rensuke and yoichi ver coming soon, was supposed to be all four of them but tumblr didn't save some stuff so i lost motivation and i probably wrote too much for rin anyways

how you met

you were invited to hang out with a group of friends, but ended up hating it since you were basically invisible, since everyone else were talking about a common interest you didn't have

you ended up walking away, finding somewhere actually interesting, and found a muji store (minimalist retailer that sells a lot of household items and more), and had your own fun, looking through stationary, skin care, nice clothes, and more.

you were having a great time until you heard someone from the hangout looking for you and calling

rin who notices your panic right next to him, questions what's wrong (not necessarily out of concern, honestly probably because he may have found it slightly irritating)

after you explain your situation briefly, he nods and finds you somewhere to hide, and goes to deal with your friend

he's got perfect control over his facial expressions, he'd easily lie and even if your friend was persistent, he'd still scare him away

"haven't seen them in here, they left a while ago and you better stop yelling,"

"are you sure-?"

"yes. now piss off and stop disturbing everyone here,"

once he's sure your friend's gone, he goes back to where he instructed you to hide, giving you the clear

"i hope that lukewarm asshole wasn't your ex."

you're slightly amused at the word 'lukewarm' it wasn't a typical description you'd hear often. "nope, i'd never date him. thank you so much though. i really appreciate it, please let me do a favor for you"

before he can object, you grab a sample pen, scrawling your number on his hand, "send me a text and i'll do my best to help you with anything okay?" you send him a smile as his eyes widen in shock, "bye kind stranger, have a great day," and before he could respond, you were gone, rushing out the store out of embarrassment for not being able to slip away from your friend uncaught.

how he got to know you

[unknown number] : i really don't need a favor you know?

i hated that idiot anyways, loud and annoying

[you] : don't careeee, i want to make it up to you somehow, please?

i'm y/n, you?

[unknown number] : rin, itoshi rin

after he gave in to your offer, you ended up tutoring him, he didn't care about grades but his high school had a rule of requiring a certain standard of grades to compete in tournaments

turns out he wasn't even a bad student, he's diligent and consistent, he only needed a little bit of guidance and advice, with math being the exception

in between sessions, during breaks and outside of your tuition you'd talk a lot, considering how rin has no friends ("neither do you, your toxic ass friends shouldn't count" he replies when you realize it) and you're patient enough to deal with his personality

even after he has his grades up you still hangout with each other, watching horror movies, playing horror games, reading horror novels / comics (you introduced him to junji ito), and he'd even teach you some soccer when you visit his training. he also tries out all your hobbies and favourite things to do and eat

you two spend so much time together, simply because one has no other friends and the other has no healthy friendships

how he knew he liked you

BRO WAS IN DENIAL. FOR. SO. FUCKING. LONG.

he thought he had a health problem or fever when he felt his face getting hot, or that odd sensation in his stomach, or his heart relentlessly pounding against his chest

he tries to research it, doesn't believe it when he sees all those love related posts, so he literally goes to a doctor

his doctor probably almost instantly realized, and had to deal with rin's denial

"you experience these 'symptoms' with a certain someone, don't you?" the doctor doesn't even bother with noting down anything, he's 100% sure and knows it's perfectly in character for rin to do something like this

"that's not possible- that doesn't make se-," he pauses, and recalls that he only felt that way when it came to you, "... yes," he's sort of bashful, slightly embarrassed but quickly composes himself again. 'i apologise for doubting you, please continue,"

"no worries," with a grin, his doctor prepared leave and meet his next patient, "i diagnose you with love sickness,"

when i tell you, this man fucking asked him what meds to take and what to do as self treatment

his poor doctor mentally face palmed himself, sat himself back down and had a (long) talk with this emotionally repressed boy

rin still insists it's something medically wrong, but he's soon shoo-ed out of the office, while hastily being told to make sure he's honest with his feelings, otherwise it never goes right

back at home, he's lying in bed, revising what his doctor said

"rin you need to learn how to acknowledge your emotions. i understand they're confusing and i'm not a therapist, but you can't keep denying it. it's just as unhealthy to neglect your emotions as it is to ignore an injury,"

...

denial huh?

he thinks of you and his heart once again can't calm down, his face burns and his stomach is doing somersaults. he buries his face in his palm, groaning. he hated anything unfamiliar, anything that he couldn't navigate with confidence, or fully comprehend.

"do you really despise it? or do you refuse to acknowledge your feelings because you've never experienced something like this,"

his doctor's advice comes back to him, and he thinks.

if he truly loathed how you made him feel, why is he still hanging out with you, why is he still investing his time into you, why do you make him so damn happy?

he passed out eventually completely lost in thought

how you ended up dating

some time passes and you finally have the courage to confess to him only to receive a cold "i don't feel the same way," a complete lie

accepting his emotions was one thing, accepting a relationship is another. he could immediately feel regret clawing at his stomach, he wanted to tell you. badly, how much he likes you, your patience, intelligence, your kindness, literally everything

yet nothing comes out. only his stoic and stupid facade's character

you walk away after mumbling out an apology for making things awkward, and rin's left there standing, finger nails digging crescents of frustration into his palm

he's overwhelmed with his thoughts, some insisting for him to give up and accept that he fucked up, others demanding him to move and fix things

what would be worse than losing you, anyways?

and that last thought was the final push, he's basically sprinting towards you, soon his arms are wrapped around you, releasing a gasp of surprise from you.

"ri-?"

"i lied," rin blurts, internally screaming at himself to just say it, "i lied, i know i shouldn't have and i'm sorry. but i like you too much, i can't express or understand my feelings, i don't know anything about relationships or love either, and i wanted to hide how i felt so i wouldn't get hurt,"

"rin-," he doesn't let you finish, ignoring your whisper.

"but i don't care, i like you so much that i'm willing to risk hurting myself, anything's worth it if i can be with you, spend time with you, and love you. if it's for you i'd overcome all my fears of love. i can't afford love, but if it's for you i don't care anymore,"

"you're perfect, you always have been," he concludes his speech, almost breathless from how rushed it was. scarlet was dusted all over his face, teal eyes wide open.

that fact rin, someone who's never been good at communication, went this far to express how he feels for you, warms your heart even more.

"rin?"

"yes?"

"may i kiss you?"

somehow, he blushes even more, and as he nods your lips press together.

dates + other headcanons

MOVIE NIGHTS !! not at cinemas though since he prefers the comfort and privacy of his room, and doesn't like how loud or dirty cinemas can get

doesn't want to force you into anything too scary, but he secretly enjoys it when you end up clinging onto him

since he struggles with articulating his emotions, he likes using playlists and songs to (die for you - weeknd, shinunoga iiwa - fujii kaze, love, maybe - melomance, sweet - cigarettes after sex, COME INSIDE OF MY HEART - IV SPADES SUITS HIM SO WELL)

he's not a fan of pda, yet he wants to show you off to everyone he knows

if you genuinely like soccer and have an interest in it (obviously doesn't want to force you to watch 90 minutes of a sport you don't like) he'd watch his favourite games with you, even books tickets for the both of you if there are any good teams competing nearby

also takes great interest in your sports !! reads a lot about them so he can discuss them with you, and if you also compete in sports he puts together a training routine for you and asks to go to the gym together (say yes dumbass)

SURFINGGGG !! since he grew up in kamakura, he loves the beach and went to swim and surf a lot as a kid and would love to do it again with you, even if he hasn't done it in ten years (same rin, same). same with hiking too (kamakura's also famous for it as well)

visits the store with you where he always bought ice blocks with sae, the same lady who worked there when sae and rin still got around is still there, congratulates him for getting a partner, is proud of him

he's a great listener too, he prefers it over speaking a lot and you can talk to him about anything, whether you're talking shit about someone (he'd join in and start swearing) and or you're hyperfixating on your interests

whenever he gets a question related to his love life he takes a moment to blush when he thinks of you, pauses to compose himself (keeps you a secret for your privacy from the media), then says with a straight face that soccer is a priority, but everyone knows he's lying

©kouyun : do not repost, plagiarize, change, or translate

[casteliacityramen]

Previous post (mini recap)

"Can we talk?"

"That depends if you'll yell at me and take off again."

"Depending on what you say, I just might."

[PART 1 OF 2]

"... Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't know how to, without... that... happening. It was sheer coincidence that led Ingram’s descendants to keep coming here. I didn't think you'd believe me," Ray responded telepathically.

"I still don't."

"I have nothing to gain by lying to you."

She hates that part of him, how he manages to sound so disingenuous while still telling the truth. There's always something underneath the surface, but he never goes there unless she pokes and prods. She could have ended that explanation right then and there, but she continues.

"But not telling me that the Dewott that I've seen every other night was a Matsumoto this entire time? Keeping that to yourself is okay?"

One of the many problems of an infinite lifespan means that there's no longer agency to anything. There's no immediate need to address any personal matters when they theoretically have all the time left in the world.

He figured that he could have talked to her further down the line, when they both settled down and processed all of their feelings... Or so he thought. 

Touchy subject or not, it was starting to sink in that he should've talked about this sooner. Granted, he never would have guessed that the circumstances would have led them to where they were now. Neither of them imagined that today would’ve gone like this.

"Of course not...

... But can you blame me when you reacted like you did?"

"Alright, asshole, I came to apologize but if you’re going to-"

"You scared me."

"Rio, when you were released, when you found me again, you sat on that seat and you said…”

“... Nothing.”

The two of them sit still, time grinding to a halt while Ray’s eyes roamed the space underneath his hands–as if the grain in the wooden countertop was magically providing him instructions on how to organize his words.

Gods, he wished.

"You were so quiet, it was unsettling. You’ve never been one to shy away from talking about how you feel, so I know that something went terribly wrong. A Matsumoto stopping by every now and then seemed so inconsequential at the time. But… the more I thought about telling you, the more I second guessed myself.

So I left it unspoken. I had a feeling you would be angry with me and I was right... But I never thought you'd be furious.

We carried on quietly for the past six months because I wanted you to take the first step. I figured that you’d be ready whenever you felt like you it, but I should have told you about this without having to make you dredge up the past by yourself."

I'm sorry."

"This is supposed to be my apology about yelling at you, you prick." Rio telepathically mutters, not expecting this level of genuine introspection from him. "How am I supposed to follow that?"

She watches as Ray visibly laughs off the tension in his shoulders. She lets out a short huff in response, turning back to the counter.

"I thought I was fine. I thought I was better than this–above it all. We went through something like this before, back when we first started. I thought we’d shrug it off like we did last time, but then I snapped like a toothpick today."

Ray watches as her face scrunches up in a cocktail of negative emotions. She seems like she's physically struggling to get anything out, which is an effort that didn't go unnoticed by Ray.

"I think running a ramen stand as a rockruff is exactly how I am now: absolutely useless. I'm not allowed to be useful. I'm not allowed to do my job as a Shepherd.

And that's a good thing, because now I can't stop thinking about all my mistakes--all the people I failed to protect. There's no use in a guardian angel that loses faith in herself."

She turns, facing the street, thankful that it was relatively empty at this time of hour.

“So... I sat here, on this very stool, watching every day as everybody moved on with their lives without a care in the world. Ordinary people who seem to be doing fine without me.” 

Rio shakes her head at the term "ordinary people,” laughing bitterly as she turns back around.

“I know I’m being stupid. A carefree life for everyone is what we work so hard for, yet I feel so… so pissed off at them for being none-the-wiser.

Imagine that: being mad that peace is the new ‘ordinary.’ Angry that these people don't know what it's like to live with the constant threat of death, even though none of them deserve it. It makes me feel like a shitty shepherd.

I thought it'd be easier if I slept through those moments, but every other time I fall asleep, I have a nightmare. When I try to think of anything else, all I can think about is how this all started. I thought about all the things we did to get to this point. I couldn't, and still can't, stop thinking about everything I did wrong back then and now.”

Ray heaves a heavy sigh, partly because he feels relieved that she's opening up to him, but another partly because he knows exactly what she's talking about.

“Yeah.”

She didn’t need him to say anything else. She knows that he knows. She'll tell him the full extent of what she went through and what she's going through, but that's for another day. That isn't the purpose of this specific conversation, after all.

She paws the empty glass around on the table sheepishly for a long moment. Finally, she gathers herself and turns to him.

“I’m sorry I made you cry.” 

“I know.”

“Thanks for putting up with me.”

“You’ve been there for me. I wouldn't have it any other way.”

[Next]

[4dkellysworld]

Self-realization vs derealization

I saw an ask @adadisciple about derealization and thought I'd add my 2 cents here as I have experienced derealization in the past and might be able to offer a bit more insight. I didn't want to reblog that ask for personal reasons and also the response is really long. Disclaimer: I am not a therapist either, my thoughts are based on personal experience alone so take whatever feels right and leave the rest. Also I can't speak from the perspective of full realization as I am not there yet but hopefully this helps in some way.

When I first found non-dualism, I also had similar concerns as someone who had experienced derealization, I thought: was this another thing that was going to induce it?

Let's start with the definition (thank you Google) for those reading who may be unclear:

Depersonalization/derealization disorder involves a persistent or recurring feeling of being detached from one's body or mental processes, like an outside observer of one's life (depersonalization), and/or a feeling of being detached from one's surroundings (derealization).

From personal (human/ego) experience, this condition is purely of the mind and body with blocked awareness (? not sure if this is correct terminology, I am not talking about pure awareness in this case but more mindfulness*) and is often just a symptom of another mental or physical condition/illness such as depression/anxiety etc. The mind and/or body are just completely detached however, there is clouded awareness (due to the mind/body) and you just feel like you are existing and floating around. You very much still feel a part of the world and identify as such (although feeling detached & disengaged) even if you have lost faith in everything you feel as real. It's sort of hard to put into words but if you have experienced derealization too, then hopefully you can relate and understand what I am getting at. When I experienced it, I didn't know of any truth. I just lost faith in the world and didn't know what was real anymore. So, I was completely checked out.

*Mindfulness is paying full attention to what is going on in you and outside you, moment by moment, without judgment. (thanks Google)

Ada made a really good distinction here (I suggest reading the full ask)**:

The point of this all was to let go of concepts, let go of believing in things, investigating their validity, experimenting. Disbelieving you are Vanessa and denial are not the same thing. Denial is when you deny reality to something you're already giving reality to. Disbelieving was meant as an experiment, you never thought yourselves to be anything but this body, what will happen if you did?

**Actually, re-reading that ask made me realize maybe a reblog of an exercise I recommended is not the best since it instructs denial of what ego believes to be real instead of disbelief and experimentation (eep, Vanessa is still learning and evolving!). See my edit on this post :)

Here is another relevant and helpful ask by 4dbarbie:

I don't teach to do anything to the 3D, not even deny it. Not seeing the world as it is, is an aversion to it. - Lester Levenson Your 3D is right and perfect, what you see is what you are so even if you're seeing what 'you' don't want, the 3D is not wrong in being what it is. Fearing it, trying to manipulate it, lying to yourself about it being something different - all useless and vain attempts. See it as it is and it will fix itself. And no, being delusional is not good, it leads you not to trust your own judgment OR senses. Which is not right, why shouldn't you? What is wrong with your vision? Being delusional from your ego self is really harmful, someone could be abusing you and you would go "i'm sure that's not right he loves me so much in my 4D!!!"

So lets clarify the distinction:

Derealization = denial of everything while still identifying as the ego (and the world as reality) although not wanting to => ego experiences confusion/chaos/mental condition/disorders

Self-realization = disbelief of current reality concepts => letting go of such concepts and quieting the mind => experiencing the true Self (the creator of the mind) => permanent identification with Self, not imaginary concepts (including the ego) => Knowing Reality, and therefore realizing full peace and freedom

Now let's move onto practicing non-dualism. The basis of the practice is let go of thoughts, quiet the mind and focus on being awareness/I AM. It is all about letting go, not denial.

From a non-dualist perspective, derealization is just another mental concept/creation. When the mind is completely silent (and sustained) and pure awareness is realized and embodied, when Self is your permanent identification, when you (Self) know you are not your body not Vanessa feeling dissassociated from mind & body or just intellectually knowing it from learning concepts (important distinction!), it is not derealization, in fact it is the only reality, the only truth.

I have experienced short moments of experiencing myself as the pure witness where the mind was completely quiet and those short moments felt so peaceful, whole and true. There were no feelings of derealization in that moment because there was no active mind then. Right now, I do think my ego feels a bit derealized at times but this is because I have not fully identified with Self yet and it is also because my sense and understanding of reality is in the process of being recalibrated on this journey. When this happens, I sit in silence and go back to the one truth 'I Am' and feel myself into it and everything else melts away. The more you do this, the more you will feel the truth and peace until it becomes permanent (when you realize Self).

But no one can give you the whole truth but yourself.

Lester: Yes. However, knowing what you're telling me helps one let go of that obstacle of intellectual knowledge. I prod you in this direction, don't I? I say: “Don't believe anything. Start from scratch. Build up your knowledge on the solid foundation of proof, step by step.” Everyone must do this. Q: You can't take someone else's experience? Lester: Right, you would be working on hearsay, on what they have said, and the only useful thing is that which you experience. I relate it to driving a car. If I say I know how to drive a car after reading a book that directs you to turn the key on, start the motor, shift into drive and step on the gas, do I know how to drive a car? No, not until I experience it can I drive a car. It's the same thing on the path; we must experience everything. We must, of course, adopt the attitude that what the Great Ones say is so, that they have experienced it. However, you must check it out and prove it for yourself. And the basic Truth is that there’s only one Reality; there's only one absolute Truth, and that is that this whole world or universe is nothing but God, but better than that, is nothing but my very own Self. God could be far away; He could be miles and miles away in cosmic space, but my very own Self is right here, is something I know about, is something I can perceive, it is my very own Self! So, using Self as God is far more practical than putting Him out there, putting Him apart from us. But each one must start from the bottom and prove this whole thing for himself. As the proofs come, the more they come the more we accept until we experience the whole thing. - Lester Levenson, Session 11: Meditation with Quest - Keys to Ultimate Freedom

"And the basic Truth is that there’s only one Reality; there's only one absolute Truth" I literally didn't even read this excerpt before sharing it (searched the book for the keyword 'proof' because I was looking for another excerpt) but came to the same conclusion after practicing and experiencing it for myself. And that is what you must do if you want the truth too. Experience and then decide for yourself.

This perceived and experienced knowledge is the only knowledge that does us any good. We can read everything on the subject, but it doesn’t help. Our life doesn’t change much, and it doesn’t because we don’t integrate the knowledge into our beingness through realization. Realized knowledge is nonintellectual, although the means we use are intellectual. We use our mind, we direct our mind toward the answer, but you will discover that the answer does not come from the mind. It comes from a place just behind the mind. It comes from the realm of knowingness, the realm of omniscience. By quieting the mind through stilling our thoughts, each and every one of us has access to this realm of knowingness. Then and there you realize, you make real. You know and you know that you know. - Lester Levenson, Session 6: Realization - Keys to Ultimate Freedom

If you want to understand more about the process of realizing Self, I recommend reading my 4dbarbie remix post. If you have already read it, reread it, maybe even read some of the referenced posts/asks and see if you get any new understanding. Or better yet, just sit in silence and stillness, quiet the mind and focus on 'I Am'.

I must emphasise that in non-duality, letting go of the ego is the basic foundation of practice as it is very much a journey of self-transformation (this is just another concept to help the ego understand, but you are always, have always been and always will be Self, you just do not see it as you are currently identified as the ego).

If you (the ego) are not willing to do that, then come back when you are ready. It is not up to anyone to convince you to adopt this practice and way of life.

[cipheramnesia]

Hi Cipher, I hope you're feeling well.

A while back I sent you an ask about that cold brew instructions post. I had spent maybe an hour looking so when I worte the ask I tried to be a bit joke-y about it, but I think it instead just came out rude.

Or at least I think I sent it to you? I sent it to you or ms-demeanor, and I can't remember who -not because I can't tell you apart- but because I mix up names constantly.

Regardless of who I sent it to, none of you deserved being rude towards. You did nothing wrong, seem cool as hell and deserved better.

I'm sorry for the way I wrote the ask. I and thousands of others have recived hours of joy and knowledge from you, and I greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much!

Have a lovely day!

Great news, I don't remember anything rude about cold brews, although I think I remember getting one and it didn't strike me as particularly mean or anything so you are not just in the clear but you have been feeling enough extra guilt that you can go out and do something completely immoral with a clean conscience, at least assuming morality works that way. I don't know! Consider any potential slate fully cleaned though I'm not sure there was one that needed cleaning.

[recurring-polynya]

In the content you have come to expect from this blog, I wish to talk about the hamburger in the Royal Realm. I will not beat around the bush. Here it is:

I spend a lot of time agonizing about whether or not they have various foods in Soul Society, usually based on age of introduction to Japan, and my own feeble attempts extrapolate which cultural forces do or do not exist, but this one feels very straightforward: there is no way they have hamburgers in Soul Society.

Wait, no, I am going to roll that back slightly, because I think it is the nature of Joe Shinigami to smuggle any kind of anything small enough to be stuffed into a shihakushou back through a senkaimon, so it's not like there has never been a hamburger in Soul Society. Kensei looks very much like a burg man, and he's probably published instructions for how to make one in his cooking column, but I can't bring myself to believe they are more than a rare and very expensive novelty. Also, as is the way of Soul Society, no matter how carefully you source your ingredients which time-tested recipe you follow, it will come out subtly and indescribably wrong.

And yet! Kirio seems to have mastered the art! Or has she? As becomes evident in this subsequent shot, there is something deeply wrong with this burger: it appears to be roughly the same height as Rukia and probably twice the weight.

The Royal Guard is known for innovating, and I'm so interested in this-- is Kirio trying out new foods for their reishi-holding capacities? Did she make this for Ichigo in particular, because it would otherwise be rare for her to encounter someone who has actually eaten a burger before? (Presumably Renji, who knows everything about the World of the Living, might also have some feedback). Where did she find out about burgers? The Royal Realm is basically the Los Alamos of Soul Society. It's not unthinkable that they figured out how to get Food Network up there.

I am so mad that we didn't get to see the full footage of everyone's trip through every stage of the Royal Realm. Did Kirio make Byakuya the Giant Hamburger? You know that Byakuya doesn't approve of anything invented or introduced to Japan after the Tokugawa Shogunate, but I feel like he would have great respect for anything he encountered in the Royal Realm. What I am saying is that I think it would be great if post-TYBW Byakuya gets into hamburgers with the signature intensity with which he pursues all of his interests.

PS: For full disclosure, the giant burg is anime-only. Presumably it got the Kubo seal of approval. But guess what he drew originally! (answer below the cut)

[crepes-suzette-373]

Germa's Ancestors

(+ Shandora connection?)

This is a kind of long theory post. I feel like at some point it would make more sense to narrate this as audio/video, because I think people don't like walls of text.

Anyway, bear with me for now, this is a long post.

I want to begin by analysing this scene:

To my knowledge, the phrase 無念の魂 is very specifically only applicable to the souls of the dead, and you can't use it to say souls/spirit in a euphemistic sense. E.g "put my soul into my work", or something like "the spirit of the age". I did my best to check various examples of usage, and far as I can find it really just means dead people.

In that case, then the dialogue about 300 years in the raw would mean "To think that I entrusted you with 300 years' worth of my kingdom's regretful souls".

"Regretful souls" is, as it says, the souls of people who died with a lot of regrets or resentment. It's quite a different sense from "longing".

Also another thing, he says 合わせる顔もない about the dead. This isn't "disgracing their memory". This is "I'm so ashamed (of myself/my failure) that I cannot face them", hence the "I despise myself" dialogue that comes after. It didn't really specify a word for "direct ancestor" so I assume he meant all people of Germa of the past.

So... this could be either/or, but if failing to restore Germa = regrets, and supposedly people there have been dying in regret for 300 years, then it sounds like wanting to restore Germa was the people's dream ever since their destruction.

Though, that is still open to interpretation. It doesn't have to mean "reconquering North Blue" really was the goal that was passed down through generations. Maybe actually the ancestors just wanted to have some land again, but over the years that goal becomes corrupted and twisted.

Or all of that was just crazy talk and the ancestors never actually wanted this. Who knows?

(I do apologise to anyone who really don't like Judge for putting this stuff on your dash, but he's kind of the only one who ever actually said anything substantial about Germa history, and for analysis purposes he has to be in there)

Also a little conspiratorial bent.

The dialogue text said that the souls cannot return to their homeland, it strongly implies the land is just completely obliterated. It's similar to how the Shandians said that their ancestors no longer has a place to return after the sacred trees were cut down.

Germa, or at the very least Judge, has a similar attitude towards the ancestors as the Shandians. Perhaps not quite to the point of worshipping them as gods, but Judge view the past dead of Germa with deep respect.

I feel like it's hinted that "Moon = high technology", as shown by the robots on the moon that Enel saw in the cover story. I've made theories before speculating that Germa is thematically connected to the moon, but maybe they actually literally are related to the moon via one of the moon tribes that descended to the Earth.

I'm not sure how canon it is, but one of the Data Books had said that Skypieans don't actually have wings. Their wings are just costume/decoration.

Assuming this is real (Data Books and Vivre Cards are sometimes wrong), are there humans in the world who are actually descendants of Skypieans? After all if they literally have no wings, then they would look no different from regular humans. Skypieans didn't really have an obvious strong ancestral worship like the Shandians, but perhaps there is some shared culture that we don't know.

That, or possibly somehow the Shandians' wings are also fake. In the moon murals you can see that the Birkans' wings are differently-shaped from the other two. If the Skypiean wing is fake, who's to say that the Shandian one isn't?

Also, an interesting thing is that the Shandian ancestor seems to be the one making the robots, while the Birkan is either observing or giving instructions. So the Shandian ancestor is at least some form of engineer. Curious.

On that note, the people of Wano also deeply respect their ancestors, as real Japanese people do. They have curious Princess Kaguya hints, as well as strong prevalence of moon symbols all over.

As I noted in my analysis of honorifics, Skypieans, Wano, and Germa all share the 上 honorific usage. This is an unusual honorific that no other kingdoms in the world seem to use. Aside from the above 3, only the merfolk royalty and the Tenryuubito use them.

It could be that it's simply "archaic language" even in the One Piece universe, and it just fell out of use in most of the kingdoms. It still makes me wonder if there are actually a lot of humans who have blood ties to the moon tribes that isn't revealed yet as well.

I've also previously mentioned that young Judge has a "Kabuki face" that reminds me of Kin'emon, but I didn't consider that Kalgara also kind of looks like that too. It might just be design coincidence, but maybe it actually means something, I don't know.

[aishangotome]

Ellis Twilight: Chapter 2

Chapter 1

♡———♡

Ellis: Sorry to keep you waiting, Jude.

Jude: ...Huh?

Seeing me with Ellis, Jude gave him a momentary look of exasperation, but surprisingly, he didn't say anything.

(—Or rather...)

Kate: I'll be accompanying you as a Fairytale Keeper, nice to meet you!

Jude: ...Tch.

He clicked his tongue at Ellis, as if he knew it was pointless to say anything, and completely ignored my presence.

Ellis: I delivered the instructions for the procurement department, which is setting sail today, last night.

Jude: Of course. If it hadn't arrived first thing in the mornin', I woulda docked your pay.

(Even though he works as a Crown member, he still has to do company work... They're both so busy.)

I observed them silently, trying not to get in the way, and followed behind Jude with Ellis.

From my observations, I learned that...

Jude's company, Raven Inc., was a diversified trading company with branches overseas and a wide range of businesses.

Whether it was negotiating in the VIP room of London's leading department store or meeting with the inspection staff at the Port of London, the time spent following the two of them flew by.

-

And as for their work performance...

Jude: No deal until ya make amends.

Jude: It's only natural since ya've done something wrong. If ya don't wannna get into debt, cough up blood and make up for it.

Jude, sharp-tongued and quick-witted, seemed to be respected by his business partners, envied by his competitors, and revered by his employees.

On the other hand—.

Ellis: It's okay, I'll take care of the rest.

Ellis: This document is easy to get wrong. I'll teach you if you don't understand, so let's fix it together.

Ellis, with his gentle demeanor and attentiveness, was well-liked by everyone he met, both inside and outside the company.

(They're a perfect pair of opposites.)

In the meantime, the short hand of Big Ben was approaching the top.

Jude: Ya don't hafta come to the head office. I dunno what they'll say if I show up with a bonus.

Ellis: Yeah, I got it.

Kate: Thank you for allowing me to accompany you.

Jude: ...Ha, I'm looking forward to hearin' ya say the same thing the next time we meet.

(What does he mean by that...?)

I tilted my head, not understanding the meaning of his words.

Jude: Ya brought her here, so ya clean up afta' her. I won't interfere.

Ellis: Yeah... that's the plan.

(...It seems like Ellis understands.)

Jude left without even glancing at me, and Ellis turned to face me.

Ellis: You must be tired. I'm sorry for dragging you around.

Kate: No, not at all! I'm quite strong. I've been trained by delivering mail.

Ellis: Oh, good. ...Then, while we're at it,

Ellis: Would you mind accompanying me a little longer?

A little more, please, he said, and the place he brought me to was--

-

(Why am I here...!? )

It was the post office where I used to work.

As I hesitated at the entrance, Ellis turned around.

Ellis: What's wrong?

(I'd like to ask you that...)

Kate: I have a lot of acquaintances here because it's my workplace... Is it okay to meet before the promised month?

Ellis: Victor said that there are no restrictions except for going out alone, so I think it's okay.

A more relaxed answer than I expected came back, and I blinked.

(It's not something someone being watched should say... Are you sure it's okay?)

Ellis: I have some mail to send. I'll take care of the procedures, so do as you please.

Kate: Yes...

He left me there and headed for the counter.

(What if I ask my acquaintances for help and confidential information is leaked...?)

I can't hide my confusion at the overly casual "surveillance."

(At least, Ellis... trusts that I won't do such a thing, right?)

(Or--)

(If information is leaked, at that point, everyone who knows, including me, will be eliminated...)

"Shall I kill you?"

I remembered him saying that so casually, and I shook my head in a hurry...

Coworker with Braids: Kate!?

Kate: Ah!

Coworker with Braids: It is Kate! Everyone, Kate is here!

At that voice, my colleagues gathered around.

Coworker with Red Hair: Kate, what's with suddenly working at the palace?

Coworker with Black Eyes: We were all worried about you.

(They're so worried just because I suddenly stopped coming to work.)

(I can't tell everyone the truth.)

(And I definitely can't tell them that I don't know if I'll be able to come back safely in a month.)

(But...)

I didn't want to worry them, so I swallowed my anxiety.

Kate: I'm fine. Although it's only my first day and I don't know left from right.

Kate: I'm sure it'll be alright.

Coworker with Braids: Well, Kate, who turned a difficult customer into a good customer, would be fine anywhere.

Coworker with Red Hair: We'd be in trouble if you disappeared suddenly. We'd be lonely.

Kate: I'm... really sorry about that. It was beyond my control.

Coworker with Braids: Well, you can't really refuse an order from the palace.

Coworker with Black Eyes: But we're rooting for you, Kate.

Coworker with Red Hair: Here, take this!

Coworker with Red Hair: We bought it together, thinking we'd give it to you if you stopped by. I'm glad we could give it to you.

Kate: Wow... this much?

Presents piled up in my arms.

A blanket, cookies from my favorite shop, letters from my colleagues.

Kate: Thank you...

I held happiness in my arms, but if I moved, I might drop something, so I couldn't move a step...

Ellis: I'll carry it. Let me have it.

The items were snatched away from me from the side.

The eyes of my colleagues turned to Ellis at once.

Coworker with Braids: Wait... Who!? Kate's boyfriend!?

Coworker with Red Hair: Ah, I know this guy! He's the one guarding the scary trader!

It turned into quite a commotion.

Coworker with Braids: Kate, explain your relationship with this handsome guy!

Kate: Uh, well... He's an acquaintance from my work at the palace. We just met yesterday.

Coworker with Braids: Hmm, but it seems like you're pretty close for that.

Coworker with Red Hair: Suspicious...!

Kate: Wait, everyone, calm down...

As I was trying to calm down my excited colleagues, Ellis took the rest of the presents from my arms.

Ellis: It's become a big fuss... I'm sorry. I'll wait outside.

Kate: Ah... I'm so sorry! I'll be right there.

Ellis: Take your time.

I gave a small bow to everyone and saw Ellis off as he headed outside.

(I made him worry...)

Coworker with Braids: Marriage before returning to work...?

Coworker with Red Hair: Congratulations.

Kate: I told you, it's not like that...!

---In the end, the commotion was abruptly stopped by the postmaster's voice from the back, telling us to "stop it."

-

After saying goodbye to my colleagues and going outside, Ellis, carrying the presents, was leaning against a streetlight, waiting for me.

(He looks like a picture, even from a distance.)

His figure, with a supple body and long limbs extending from it, stood out in the cityscape.

Kate: I'm sorry to have kept you waiting.

Ellis: No, not at all. ...You could have talked more.

Kate: It's fine! Um, my colleagues made some very rude remarks...

Even though we're just working together, I might have made him feel bad by being teased about being my boyfriend.

(If I could apologize somehow... Ah, that's right.)

Kate: There's a delicious baguette shop nearby. Please let me treat you there as an apology.

Ellis: ........

His light-filled eyes stared at me as if he had found something.

Ellis: I think I understand a little bit why you get so many presents.

Kate: Huh...?

With a large bag full of presents from my colleagues in his hand, Ellis took a step towards me and... brought his face close enough to touch my forehead.

Ellis: No, you don't have to treat me, but I'm curious about your recommended shop.

(...Ellis is still a mystery to me.)

But his kindness had definitely entered my heart.

As proof of that, our second meal together was much more lively than breakfast--

-

Kate: Wow, it's already this late...?

When we left the shop, dusk was approaching.

Ellis: ...Let's get back to the castle soon.

Ellis looked at the streetscape as it began to darken and coughed abruptly.

It was the first time I heard his voice with a slightly urgent nuance, and I was startled by my own excitement.

(I've kept him company for so long, but maybe he had plans for the evening.)

Kate: If we go through this alley, it's a bit of a shortcut.

With my knowledge of the area from my mail delivery days, I stepped into a narrow alley.

Ellis: Ah...

Ellis: ...Well, I guess it's okay if we're together.

-

We walked quickly through the alley, which was shaded from the sun and gradually getting darker.

We were almost at the bright street.

Man in Hunting Hat: ..........

Suddenly, a man appeared, blocking our way. I instinctively tried to avoid him by moving to the side of the road, but--

(Huh...?)

The man stepped forward, blocking my way.

I felt something strange in the air and turned around to see two more men appearing behind me.

Man in Hunting Hat: Are you Jude Jazza's woman?

(Jude?)

Kate: No, I'm not, but... who are you?

Man in Hunting Hat: We'll confirm the facts later. Capture her.

The three men suddenly took out knives from their pockets and attacked.

(Eh--huh!?)

Ellis: Kate, hold this for a moment.

Kate: Wah...!

In confusion, I received the luggage containing presents from my colleagues, and the black knife Ellis drew deflected the leading man's blade.

Ellis: It might be a little scary, but it'll be over soon.

(Eh....)

While I was speechless, he knocked out the men one after another, just as he said it would be "over soon."

It seemed that he had drawn the knife only to counter the blades, and basically, his long arms and legs were enough.

Ellis: ...Heave-ho.

He lined up the unconscious men on the roadside, and as if to finish them off, Ellis' hands touched the tops of their heads, and the wrists of the unconscious men snapped together as if in prayer.

Kate: Are you a wizard, Ellis...?

Ellis: That's the first time I've been called a wizard.

(I remember...)

--"Cursed ones" have abilities that ordinary humans don't.

Roger-san's voice echoed in my ears.

Kate: Is that... your ability, Ellis?

Ellis: Yes, it is. It's convenient not to need a rope at times like this.

Ellis smiled as if he had finished a task and came to my side, then lifted the luggage from my arms again.

Ellis: Jude is hated in many places, so he's often attacked like this.

Ellis: It was rare for him to be accompanied by a woman, so I guess they mistook you.

(Hated... I see.)

I can understand it somewhat thanks to my observation of his work during the day.

(It must be tough working at a trading company if being attacked like this is a daily occurrence.)

Ellis: ...I'm sorry.

Kate: There's no need for you to apologize, Ellis! Thank you for protecting me.

But Ellis lowered his eyebrows slightly and shook his head.

Ellis: Actually, I could have predicted this. That this might happen if I took you out.

Ellis: But... when you found out I was going to work today, you looked lonely.

Ellis: I brought you along on a whim. ...So, I'm sorry.

(Ellis...)

He said it was on a whim, but I knew more than enough that everything he did today was for me.

(Breakfast, telling me about everyone at Crown, letting me accompany him to work...)

(Maybe even taking me to the post office.)

Kate: I was happy all day today... so, there's really nothing to apologize for.

I wanted to tell him that I was grateful for his kindness, and I smiled at him.

Ellis: ...I see. That's good.

The smile that appeared on Ellis' lips was warm, like the last light of the setting sun... but perhaps because the approaching dusk was making me anxious, it strangely stirred the depths of my heart.

-

Back in my room, I opened the presents from my colleagues.

"I'm thinking of you, Kate."

"Keep in touch."

The kind words written in the letter from my colleague warmed my heart.

(I was able to receive this... thanks to Ellis taking me to the post office.)

Because Ellis tried to make me smile, I'm feeling so happy now.

I've stepped into a different world.

I can't go back to my everyday life for a month--

I was scared, but I felt like he was telling me, "It's okay."

(I feel more confident than I did this morning that I can get through this month.)

(Especially if Ellis is with me.)

-

--And the next morning, I woke up with renewed determination.

Victor: I heard, Kate. You were attacked by Jude's business rivals yesterday?

Kate: Ah, yes. But thanks to Ellis, nothing happened.

Victor: That's good, but... Miss Kate being put in danger before the contract expires--

Victor: --That means the Crown's confidential information is also at risk! Right?

Ellis: Yes.

Jude: ...I have a bad feelin' about this.

At that grumpy voice, Victor put on a big smile...

Victor: So, Jude, Ellis.

Victor: I want you two to take responsibility and become Kate's bodyguards!

(Huh!?)

Jude: Huh?

Ellis: ...Bodyguards?

.

.

.

.

.

Chapter 3

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to buy me a coffee here! :)

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

Hi, I hope you're having a blessed Good Friday and Holy Week. I have a heavy question that may be difficult to answer but I'm hoping you could provide some insight.

How do I lean on Jesus to keep me strong in an abusive situation? I am a closeted trans guy living with alt-right conservative family. I am doing my best to escape the situation but for now I'm stuck. It feels impossible to stay strong knowing these people already hate me, and would hate me even more if they knew my true and actual self. They're supposed to love me, we're family, but they never have. I want to be like Jesus and love them no matter what, and I want to forgive them, but I don't know how. I feel like I can't forgive what they do when it's continuous and they are not sorry. Can you point me in the direction of any verses or lessons that can help me stay strong in the face of pain and hurt?

TW: unaccepting family, conservative family

Ach, so sorry I didn't see this till now. My heart aches for you in this painful situation. I will be holding you in my prayers; may God enfold you in love and courage to get through this time, and send support your way to help you out. If there is anything I can do to help you get out of this current living situation, please let me know.

The fact that you want to show forgiveness to people who have failed to give you the love and care you deserve shows what a big heart and courageous spirit you have. It's a powerful thing to go through hurt and still seek grace even for the ones who hurt you. That kindness is a rare and precious gift; hang on to it for the future, when there will be people in your life who are actually open to receiving and responding to your kindness.

In the meantime, you are correct in pointing out the impossibility of forgiveness when the ones who hurt you are still hurting you, probably have no plans to stop any time soon, and haven't shown any remorse. Despite how mainstream Christianity has watered down the concept of forgiveness into an abstract statement, to a one-off, simple "forgive and forget :)" attitude, that is not actually the kind of forgiveness that Jesus instructs us in.

Mainstream Christian culture has warped forgiveness into a weapon against the wronged, pressuring them to "just move on" so we don't have to live in the discomfort and challenge of dismantling the kind of power dynamics that allow for harm to take place.

Meanwhile when Jesus taught forgiveness, about reconciliation between a wrongdoer and the one they've wronged, his challenge was to the wrongdoer. It was up to them to show remorse and seek forgiveness, to show they'd actually changed by lowering themselves to an equal field with the one wronged so that the harm can never happen again.

In this post, I talk more about Jesus's idea of forgiveness, and discuss how one might "love one's enemies" as Jesus instructs even when forgiving them is not possible.

One thing that has stood out to a lot of people is that when Jesus was going through his greatest agony, being tortured and murdered on a Roman cross, his words of forgiveness are not "I forgive these people who are in the midst of murdering me" but "Father, forgive them." When we are unable to forgive for any reason, that isn't sinful or a sign of weak faith or any such nonsense. It's recognizing the complicated realities of relationship, where reconciliation isn't the responsibility of the person being wronged. And we can let go of any sense of burden on us to do the forgiving — ultimately, that's not our job, but God's.

___

As you survive this difficult situation, I think about Jesus' fraught relationship with his own biological family. His situation was much different from yours — we know his parents did love him, as did his cousin John, and presumably other family members as well. But they didn't always understand him, and they didn't always accept him. They wanted him to be what they expected him to be, not live into who he truly was.

In Mark 3, as Jesus is gaining steam as a teacher and healer, some of his family gets worried about the fame he's gaining — they say, "he's out of his mind!" and seek to "seize control of him." They think what he preaches is some kind of mental illness, and they're either embarrassed of or scared for him. Jesus, come back home! What will people think?? Don't you know what they're saying about our family??

When people tell Jesus his mother and siblings have arrived, he retorts,

“Who is my mother? Who are my siblings?” Looking around at those seated around him in a circle, he said, “Look, here are my mother and my brothers. Whoever does God’s will is my brother, sister, and mother.”

Jesus recognizes that family is much deeper than blood; that family is about who supports you in your God-given identity and gifts, and helps you grow into the person God created you to be. When biological family fails to do that, your family becomes anyone who does not fail you.

Jesus knew, at least to some extent, some of the pain you are going through in being misunderstood by your own kin. I pray that one day you will be surrounded with an outpouring of love, with people who celebrate all that you are. For now, know that God is that supportive presence holding you close, even when you can't feel Them.

As the psalmist in Psalm 27:10 says, "Even if my father and mother left me all alone, Holy God would take me in." To me, that whole Psalm can be read as a message of encouragement to those currently in the closet — the psalmist experiences God giving them shelter in God's own dwelling place, tucking them away "in a secret place in God's own tent."

One day, you'll be free; for now, I hope you take comfort in knowing God is with you in the closet.

Sending you love and solidarity, anon. May you find moments of joy in the midst of this pain; may God lavish you in love and courage until you're able to leave. <3

[nogacheloveka-blog]

The Bad Sanses somehow ended up in the Backrooms. №13

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Sometimes I use AI for background images. This time, the generation really pleased me, since it perfectly hit what I wanted :D

I get immense pleasure from the fact that my skill is gradually improving! I could never have imagined that I would be able to draw all these folds in clothing and shadows decently. I am especially proud of Dust and Horror 💫

Hah, under the first drawing with "The Bad Sanses somehow ended up in the Backrooms", I wrote that everything would be cute, but here we are: Dust is a lepidopterist, Nightmare can be killed by water, and Cross has fungal spores on his face. Half of the group has been changed by Backrooms in some way (evil laughter of the Creator).

I decided that my experiment with the story from different characters is unreasonable to continue: it is difficult, and the text becomes artificially too long and confusing. Plus, I find it hard to keep track of the English version of the text.

This is the translation of the another post from Russian to English. I understand English, but it is very difficult for me to write in English, so I asked chat GPT to help me. I have corrected some parts, but there still may be mistakes.

A human suddenly emerged from the nearest room. At first, he seemed not to notice the presence of strangers. They all stared at each other for a few seconds, until Killer waved his hand in greeting (the blade of the knife glinted brightly). The human hesitantly greeted them all in return.

The man's name was Enrico. He was afraid that the group of skeletons was his hallucination. He had been alone on this level for too long. Even with the support of psychologists, whom he was able to contact via the internet, loneliness was killing him. And tactile hunger: he couldn't let go of Cross's hand after the handshake, and the firm claws of Horror made him cry with happiness. Killer kept the conversation going, but didn't come close. Dust and Error kept their distance from Enrico. They were wary of people who wanted to touch them (Nightmare had enough of a cocktail of negative emotions).

Enrico told them everything he knew about the current level. He also offered his new acquaintances a smartphone as a gift. Among the production rooms on the level, there was one that produced electronics, so the gift was not valuable to Enrico. But now the guys didn't have to look for full-fledged computers (thank you, Enrico, you helped me a lot).

Error studied the code of the level. Even after seeing that strange map in the room where Enrico lived, he couldn't accurately say how the entrances and exits worked here. It seemed that the level was carried through the Backroom, seeping through the pores of other levels, capturing a resident if the old one died. Some kind of level-prison for one. But there was also a cosmos here. And that strange planet outside the window.

Dust watched the white dwarf in the viewport for a long time. It seemed unusual to him. Its appearance was more reminiscent of the surface of a plant lamp than the surface of a star. He thought that the solution to the problems could be there.

Nightmare instructed Cross and Horror to accompany Enrico and seize as many goods as possible for their use. The level produced valuable resources for trade, and simply leaving it would be extremely foolish. Especially since, for the faint hope of leaving this place, the man agreed to do anything (Nightmare enjoyed playing on his emotions).

Finally, they stepped out into open space. The magical skeletons coped well with the lack of air (well, they are made of magic, I can't do anything about that). They wrapped Error's threads around Enrico, who remained in a safe spot. The blue magic helped them move forward in turns. The closer they got to the star, the stronger the sense of wrongness grew.

Eventually, they spilled out onto another level (Error, who was loading, confirmed it). Enrico appeared nearby as well. The endless cosmos turned out to be quite limited, despite the infinite number of rooms inside the space station. The star was simply a round hole in space. The light that seeped through the crowns of the trees reflected off the mirror-like surface of the white marble pedestal. From a distance, it looked like a glowing white planet.

It seemed that they had found a way out of level 15. But not an entrance. The hole in space disappeared immediately after they exited it.

Enrico was so happy with the change of scenery that he fainted. The group left him there, taking the blue strings. They didn't need a new member. It was just a deal.

The new level resembled a forest and ruins. Mostly forest, with a smaller portion of ruins. There were so many plants that they grew on top of each other. Some trees had branches so large and old that a layer of fertile soil had formed on them.

As bad gays ventured further, they discovered animals: birds and snakes, a couple of spiders, traces of dogs or wolves. Killer even managed to catch a bright finch for entertainment. But the animal quickly bored him. Cross turned out to be much more interesting.

One of the provocations made Cross stumble. A colorful stream sprayed in his face. The way he squealed in surprise and the intense burning around his eyes amused Killer.

Cross needed help (otherwise he would become useless). Horror rinsed the affected area with Almond Water. The burning subsided, but the bright color remained. Killer found it amusing to compliment the Backroom on the stylish eye shadows. And since they now had smartphones, Cross could start a beauty blog. Or slowly turn into a zombie if it was a special type of cordyceps fungus. The situation seemed to amuse him.

Only Nightmare managed to silence Killer, binding the jester with tentacles and tossing him into the depths of the forest like a bag of trash (if Cross became useless, Nightmare would break Killer's tailbone).

But, it seemed that aside from the inappropriate bright color on the bones, the fungal spores posed no danger. At least that's what Dust said, who accidentally stained one of his butterflies in the liquid.

On this level, as far as they knew, there could be human outposts. This meant that the exits they had explored might be inaccessible to them if they couldn't resolve everything peacefully. Although after interacting with Enrico, their group didn't consider the people in this place too dangerous. The prisoner of level 15 was content that the skeleton group wasn't his hallucination. He paid no attention to anything else. It seemed they had overestimated the danger posed by humans. Perhaps it was worth trying to enter one of the residential areas?

But Error seemed to have spotted a suitable exit.

Nightmare belongs to Jokublog Killer belongs to RahafWabas Dust belongs to Ask-DustTale Horror belongs to Sour-Apple-Studios Error belongs to CrayonQueen Cross belongs to JakeiArtwork