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#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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every time someone reshares the interest check for the binggeyuan zine im just. hold on let me take a minute. let me take a second. let me sit in this moment where binggeyuan has become popular enough that there's an entire zine for it in the works
#i mean yeah it's only in interest check stage so far and there will be a bingqiu half of the zine too but. STILL. BINGGEYUAN ZINE#when i first started writing binggeyuan there were <150 fics in the tag#these days there's over 850.... and now a zine with binggeyuan in the title... crying into my hands binggeyuan youve come so far#it just makes me so happy that binggeyuan lovers get to eat so well these days <333 so many talented chefs in the kitchen!!#nyoomerr rambles
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I drew all of my historical AU Sebs!!!!
In order they are(with relevant links to lore info if you are curious!!): Napoleonic Hussar Seb(x), Renaissance Muse Seb(x) and Boy King/Emperor Seb(x)
Let me know which you like best!!!
#oh my fucking god this was truly the endurance race of drawing sessions#i just drew for four hours straight or so......FUN!#and it is now almost 5 am on a school night so pls wish me luck in school haha#basically this spawned from me seeing if i could sketch all 3 of my Sebs easily and then whoops 4 hours later they are finished!#i think now i can draw the hussar uniform with my eyes closed. it was so comforting to draw honestly ;;;;#this is actually the first time ive drawn boy king seb with colors!! so i think it turned out pretty well?#hey guys do you notice what all of the Sebs have in common...? they all have a gold motif...GOLDEN BOY CODED!!!#anyways i think the most developed of these AUs is boy king seb which is funny bcs its the one ive created most recently#but gaahhhhhh ive done so much research and im literally brainrotting over it constantly#now i need to draw fernando in his 3 AUs hahaha but drwing Seb is sooooo much more easy/comfy for me#did you guys also notice i have a fondness for a specific seb hairstyle? malaysia 2010 my truly beloved youve served me so well#i mentioned this already but like i dont get how drawing these kinds of clothing is far more preferable to me than drawing racesuits#well anyways i have so much fun researching into these different eras!! and then very fun to mix it with the drivers#im very surprised i was able to draw this. im not usually able to draw good chibi anatomy#but like seriously i think i was posessed by my thoughts of boy king seb and i just couldnt stop drawing#in didnt really have any mental roadblocks which is surprising#but then again these drawings are me mixing my two major interests atm so ofc it'll come to me easily and make me passionate!!#anyways time to go sleep pwease dont let this flop my hands literally are overheated from drawing LMFAO#catie.art.#sebastian vettel#f1#formula 1#f1 fanart#formula 1 art#formula 1 fanart#f1 art#boy king au#renaissance muse au#hussar au
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I cannot rely on one person for me to be happy my happiness isn't allowed to be only triggered by one person I can be happy at every little thing it doesn't matter about this one person
#im in too far fucking deep again#and when he leaves again its gonna hurt just as much. but more.#finch posts#he makes me happy beyond belief and i goddamn love having a friend who knows me inside out and has done for so long#but. your love is my drug by kesha comes to mind. its fucking intoxicating talking to him#and last time he left (we were 12 and his parents moved their family) it made me kinda depressed and i was so fucking needy to talk to him#and now we're three and a half months into rekindling the friendship and i feel the same like i get really sad already >#>if i just dont talk to him for a couple of days without like a trip or friends or smthn else to entertain me#songs are starting to remind me of him#fuck fuck fuck#1am in the morning makes me too honrst#i think im still a bit (a lot) in love with them#ohmygod i dont even think it i know it#i should go to sleep earlier#it would stop me having so many thoughts#i havent seen him in multiple years but i can still imagine kissing him#oh fucking hell fuck my actual whole fucking life#and his closest friend where he lives now well they were starting to be a bit of a thing and surely its not fucking normal>#>to daydream about kissing a girl who ive literally never seen a photo of#holy fucking hell i am such a hopeless poly bisexual#WHY DONT WE REWRITE THE STARSSSS#oh this is circling round to my suspicions i might be kinda like demi romantic??#i should buy myself flowers . wait. no. i grow flowers 🫠#well i could still buy myself flowers . and i should#i need to go to the beach#cant wait to get a proper drivers license#if youve made it this far down my crisis hi youve gotten to the stage where u can tell what songs im listening to!
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i was watching all the garly goals of the 23-24 season, as you do, and it made me wanna get into gifmaking so. remember when i said my hockey hyperfixation could be worse cos i havent gotten to the point of rb-ing gifsets yet? well. ive already made one so think i might just become a guy who Makes gifsets.
#incoherent turtle noises#hockeyposting#opened up my cracked copy of PS for the first time in ages bcos of dak & gar cellies that i havent seen posted here yet#i need!! to document them bcos of the impending looming possibility of……no i mustnt say it. dakjo you WILL re-sign!!!#also i feel sort of. well. the gif i made is of a van @ mtl game and. im sorta coming to the realisation that i may in fact be a bigger fan#of the nucks. IM SORRY MTL….. im sorry. but… you just dont have conor garland….#yknow i Thought abt making a sideblog but when has that ever done anything for me. it just doesnt work for me and i know it.#you guys simply need to accept me for who i am every time i change my whole identity for the new thing im into. as youve done so far. ✌️✌️#anyway. off to work i go! 🫡🫡
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Mad Scientist Kei is my newest playlist I’ve completed, finally ready to share with you all ^^ . The description is basically what it says on the tin, visual kei songs that make you feel like a mad scientist. Posted just in time for Halloween too! I hope you all enjoy :)
[LISTEN HERE -> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiMli0hQ-ZCLg9cq7eRTRn7wqhitJY-uz]
#my playlist#this was actually supposed to come out last halloween bc thats when i started brainstorming for it but alas...#tune in for more niche playlists....maybe my spring tunes playlist will be out by winter 2024 who knows#also double thankies for tumblr user nookicky for helping me figure out how to finish this and for introducing me to 2nd effect as well :D#debuting on my new Visual Kei Uploads Youtube Channel#if youve read this far in the tags...hello...i hope u have a good day
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Started Portal Revolution yesterday and it's actually super enjoyable so far
I don't trust Mr Pound Stirling after what happened with Wheatley though
#I overcomplicated the first few chambers so hard lmao#like coming from the end of portal 2 difficulty to this is a shock but it's getting harder defo lmao#took stupidly long on some of the first nine chambers because of stupid overcomplication in my lizard brain#ALSO IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO FIGURE OUT WHERE TO GO IN THOSE OFFICES LMAO#anyway I'm enjoying it so far defo#it runs super well it's genuinely like an official installation of the portal series#it makes me so very happy#it's sending me down my portal obsession again I can feel it#anyway defo play it if youve played the first two I'd recommend it#portal#portal 2#portal revolution#valve#portal mod#stirling portal
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......... who's gonna tell him ... .. ill do it @markiplier
#IM KIDDING ALKJNFGADFBG IM SORRY MARK BUT YOU'RE THE ONE WHO NAMED THIS PLAYLISTTTTTT#actually you know what on the slim to none chance i submit this at Just the right time and it gets a bunch of notes#and he somehow does actually see this post#(hi sappy/backstory tm incoming feel free to continue scrolling lmao>>)#mark you helped my mom so much#she was sick for 5 years and in that time as she got weaker and more tired what she had an abundance of was Time#and as someone who since losing her has now also become extremely depressed i underrstand Even More how horrible that kind of Time can be#to have and go through and be frustrated and devastated and bored out of your mind#but some of my friends started me in watching your videos#and she was my best friend#i shared everything with her#so of course i shared your videos too#and we would watch a lot of them together but you also have so many on your channel from so far back in addition to the new ones#that she had plenty to go back through and watch on her own while i was at school#we always felt like your humor and mentality fit right in with the rest of the household like you were a longtime friend#or neighbor from just down the road who we spoke with regularly or smth idk it was just so easy for your videos to be engaging and upliftin#she could have a playlist on to fall asleep to and be distracted from everything coming up...and that means more#than i could ever begin to thank you for#i think fnaf had been one of the things id been introduced to you through..and then tiny box tim we loved tiny box tim#back when you were first getting into making shorts and improving equipment/editing quality i always thought it would be so cool#if we somehow ran into one another on the street somewhere and i could offer to help#because i was watching those videos too! i want to make them as cool as possible and im going to school for it i know tips and tricks#and by now im sure youve probably surpassed what i know haha the INSANELY awesome and frankly gorgeous cinematography and impressive#but anyway... i know she had those videos to fill the Time when i was at school#and sometimes when i wasnt but when i was too exhausted#and i know you made her laugh and smile through it all#and that means everythingto me#ok well thhat got sappy fast sorry everyone christ#ive thought so many times over the years about trying to write something in the comments on a video or send an email or something and like#i feel bad same time cos i know soooo many people have similar stories or treat youtubers/celebrities like theyre actual saviors and angels
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oh wow ok when the sun explodes and you are on the night side of the planet it gets pitch black! terrifying
#the supernova is too small and too far away and the planet too big for light to reach you#idk its like#imagine u didnt know abt the loops#like ur just a regular person on this planet#and then u hear a distant explosion so distant it might as well have been the thunder of the planet youre on#and then the light is suddenly gone#you cant see in front of you. only the distant light from lightning strikes and the artificial light provided from the nomai structures and#your flashlight#you dont know whats going on. this is new uncharted territory. and then u hear this whooshing noise. and like the sun is rising light begins#to brighten your surroundings#you. as a scientist and astronaut might think it was an exlipse or something#and then streaks of light like meteors glow across the sky and that whooshing noise grows louder and louder and the lighter brighter and mor#more bluer than youve ever seen#and then you hear a great explosion as the light reaches its peak and then you no longer exist#and then you wake up at the start of your last day to do it all again#you dont know it you dont remember it its just another day to you but its endlessly repeating#you will never rest and you dont know it bc its just another random day to you#you dont know the horrors to come youll never know bc even as it happens you wont understand#fucking hell i dont even understand#michi tag#anyways#not to get poetic abt this#but this game has me fucked up#time loops...........#anyways play outer wilds <3
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A hiatus, or semi-hiatus, of sorts.
Trigger warnings for cancer and parental death.
#My mother is dying.#Shes been in pain for quite a while#but everythings come to a head in the last few months because of developing cancer that we were completely blindsided by#and now its almost entirely too late#I dont know how much time I have with her. theres still that slim possibility that she could bounce back but it isnt looking that way.#what does this mean for me on here? well im not sure yet.#If youve been following for a really REALLY long time you'd know that i was around here when my father died back in 2017.#I cope with grief by distracting myself with outside stimuli and drawing.#because of the circumstances: this time is different#im not sure if i'll be on here at all or if ill be on here too much to not think about it. but eventually something will happen#and I'll need to give my attention to my family#im not posting this out to get pity or sympathy. I dont like to hear things like that. im posting this because there are#some people who i only talk to on tumblr#and I dont want to make people worry about me if I'm suddenly gone for months at a time (if this comes to pass)#if you've read this far. thank you.#personal
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watching spn for the first time and just got to the bit in 2x13 where dean announces that there's no such thing as angels and i dont think ive ever been hit by unintentional dramatic irony that hard before in my life. i am so glad im watching it now instead of as it came out just for that experience honestly
#i had to stop the video#funniest scene so far and it wouldn't even have hit that hard if not for. well. everything#jesus christ#supernatural#spn#honey#youve got a big storm coming
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born to do a Saeko Only y7 run forced to be technically illiterate
#snap chats#we all know if i knew how to mod id make so many stupid masadai screenshots but not the point#ive been obsessed with solo runs for rpgs for a while so NATURALLY i wanna ask the question if each y7 chara can solo the game#i was thinkin of saeko specifically cause. 1.) love u 2.) in my first playthrough i primarily used her for support#though subsequent playthroughs obvi i switched her up to be way more offensive#the only chara you really can do this with is ichi and MAYBE adachi since. well ichi's obvious but adachi's the earliest accessible#'what about nanba' girl he LEAVES FOR THREE CHAPTERS#and ofc you only get saeko come chapter 5 - same thing for eri. not gonna even MENTION joon gi and zhao LMAO#so obvi i dream of a mod where you can swap ichi- at least for battles- for any of the other party members#if youve seen rpg runs that ft multiple members at a time then yk the plan is to just have everyone else block and do nothing#or get them ko'd as fast as possible. but obvi in this Mod Reality i would just have The One character to make it. awful LMAO#i mean me and other rpg enjoyers think y7's easy enough so why not the extra challenge#adachi gets the Can Also Do This Run pass since he's playable just about as long as ichi is#exceptions being of course the first chapter / beginning of second chapter and the first sawashiro fight / chapter 3#i already know people are thinking of the jima fight.... throwing up at that thought#honestly i think JUST them might make the challenge impossible#at least with ichi you have the poundmates but the others Id Consider to be out of luck#itd be fun imo to see how far each chara could get tho#beyond grinding i think youd HAVE to master perfect guarding not just for the jimas but ESPECIALLY for tendo#kiryu doesnt exist to me. apparently. idk he was a wash on my first playthrought but joon gi WAS the unintentional punching bag so--#anyway im almost done with this comm i just gtta shade it so bye
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“Amore et Timore” - King Fernando I “El Animoso”
#*why is it that when I write tags that are genuinely imporant and wordy it always doesnt save UGH#well. ill try and rewrite them.#hahaha I bring you curly haired king Fernando!!(mostly for cofi)#2011 monza gp core Fernando that gripped us all by the throat right?? right????#also i hope that his hair doesn't appear red to you like it did to me on my pc??? its brown I assure you#anyways! historical context for nerds like me:#'el animoso'(the spirited) comes from Philip V of course#it was apparently bestowed on him bcs of his perseverance and unwavering fervor in battle#and is that not the most Fernando coded thing youve ever heard?????#'Amore et Timore'(through love and fear) however comes from Joseph I#whom seb is partially based on but i thought his Latin motto fit Nando way better so here we are#philip v didn't have a motto as far as i could tell so that's why I stole Joseph's#but i do think the motto for the Spanish kingdom fits Fernando's career pretty well?#'A solis ortu usque ad occasum'(from sunrise to sunset) and i think that suits Fernando's 'longest f1 career ever' p well#anyways I sent a sketch of this to cofi the other day like yeah I probably wont finish this#and now here i am on 5 am on a tuesday grinning manically sleep deprived like HERE YOU GO#i think he looks very cute in this!!! i really did a lot of work on his eyelashes...very important detail to me#he kinda accidentally looks like Louis XIV unfortunately#but thats down to his hair I think. it looks a lot more like the traditional wig style from then compared to what I typically draw#but god imagine being seb in this au!!! you get to wake up next to this majestic beast....#seb would have this painting framed over his bed or something. i mean who wouldn't????#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#f1 fanart#formula 1 fanart#catie.art.#boy king au
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i want to be so full of life that people can feel it when they see me, i want to be big and bold and carefree and confident and courageous and happy, so so happy, that people around me are filled with joy to see it
#k mumbles#idk thinking about how at 16 i wanted to be thin and small and fragile and sad and full of death#and now i am so fulfilled and happy and loved#and i would have loved for 16 year old me to have felt this#and i cant wait for like 26 year old me to look back and be like#its only just beginning!!!!#youve come so far and you still have so far to go and i am happy!!!!#idk i cant wait for life to continue and i cant wait to see what happens when it does#a lot can happen in your life when youre no longer suicidal and theres so much hope and love and joy#kinda just reminding myself of that as well rn bc my meds are fucked and im on a lower dose than i should be lmao
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it is very frustrating because my mom does not know What The Deal Is but she certainly Suspects (for good reason. to be fair to her.) and she has Insinuated and she has Implied but she has not asked anything specifically. and its...not unreasonable for her to do this i guess because the last relationship i was in i didn't tell her for a year and a half. because the relationship BEFORE that was my first and it was with a girl and i asked her EXPLICITLY AND URGENTLY to not tell my dad about it because he was a massive homophobe and i knew this and saw this where she did not and she told him anyway and i have not trusted her since though, having few other options, i have continued to confide in her things that i should not confide in her that have then mysteriously made their way through all our shared coworkers back to me. and its.....its so. i don't know what to do about it. she..."stalked" is the wrong word but she followed my blog against my wishes and knowledge as a child and the more i lost trust in her and stopped talking to her the more she pried into my private life. i know my sister had similar experiences with her. and it has created this cycle where i keep trying to keep her out for my own privacy and dignity and safety and she just gets even more desperate and pathetic trying to get in after breaking my trust over and over and OVER again but i live with her and depend on her for far too many things and so it just. is this. awesomesauce
#have talked about it a bit with a few people and its...difficult?#i have always felt like i was the person standing between my parents when my dad was at his worst#and as kind of like. someone who failed to protect my family from him#and the last few months ive started recognizing patterns where 1) when my parents were united#was when there was a common threat and that common threat was ALWAYS me and my insanity. which feels. bad#and 2) my mother had no one to talk to about the horrific shit he said and so often ended up relaying#some of the worst things youve ever heard to me and my sister very conversationally#every thing he said about me that haunts me i heard when she told me and then went 'ha! isnt that so stupid he would say that?'#like. i guess its. she was a...i hate using it here but a Victim in thatsituation but im also starting to learn#that she was also a collaborator. and that she failed to protect us or take care of us often because she was scared of him#or sometimes because she agreed with him or hated/resented us or whatever. its. um#it is difficult. and every time i try to change and talk openly around her instead of being passive aggressive as i learned from her#she responds in the same guilt trippy icy way and says i am pissy or i think too black and white or do i think shes a bad person#and so i cannot...i cannot grow with her because it HURTS. every time. and ive just kind of...found it harder and harder to talk to her#at all. and her pain fills the apartment because she sees it happening. and it makes coming back here every day#even more unbearable even more crushing and i don't know what to do about it#it has been so weird. ive been trying to...change and grow. to be Real. to be truthful and to communicate well#for my friends and coworkers and family and i feel i've come so far sometimes#and then when it comes to her i just don't know how to do it because i don't trust her.#and when i try it only hurts both of us and i can't explain that to her because she WILL take it personally and she#she...everyone is capable of change. i believe that. to be alive is constant changing. but she refuses.#when she asked me if i thought she was a bad person she answered her own question going 'i dont think so.#i think you see things so much more black and white than i do and you're so easily offended and sensitive. i think im a good person'#not in a...not in a combative way but in a sincere way. and its like. i dont think i even responded i was fucking flabbergasted#where do you even GO from a statement like that lmao!!! god. its so frustrating. it is so so so fucking frustrating
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I go back to college in a day I'm fucjing sick thinking about it
#like yes. i did specifically sign up for classes#but that was like. before. and i didnt have to go to school.#and now school is coming up and im like wait. now i actually have to go? like. do what i said i was going to do and what i signed up for?#thats so bullshit#ugh and i dont know anyone which is great but also terrible because well. then ill be alone and have to make friends.#and i am AWFUL at making friends like. absolutely shit-tier lol.#im too weird for normal people and too normal for weird people.#and i dont put on my best when im dealing with new people i just dont know how to function or make friends its bad#ive always been like. adopted by an extrovert and absorbed into their friend group lol.#fuck im so nervous#like its really not that bad because its just college but at the same time like fuck.#i need to make new friends and get my education and figure out what the fuck im doing here yknow?#who do i want to be?#what do i want to do?#but arrrggghgh its so stressful and scary to think about lol#anyway#if youve read this far through my tags i love you. and also you can just ignore this one.#just a vent. nothing more.#vent post#im like if a girl goes to college
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