#she...everyone is capable of change. i believe that. to be alive is constant changing. but she refuses.

[readymades2002]

it is very frustrating because my mom does not know What The Deal Is but she certainly Suspects (for good reason. to be fair to her.) and she has Insinuated and she has Implied but she has not asked anything specifically. and its...not unreasonable for her to do this i guess because the last relationship i was in i didn't tell her for a year and a half. because the relationship BEFORE that was my first and it was with a girl and i asked her EXPLICITLY AND URGENTLY to not tell my dad about it because he was a massive homophobe and i knew this and saw this where she did not and she told him anyway and i have not trusted her since though, having few other options, i have continued to confide in her things that i should not confide in her that have then mysteriously made their way through all our shared coworkers back to me. and its.....its so. i don't know what to do about it. she..."stalked" is the wrong word but she followed my blog against my wishes and knowledge as a child and the more i lost trust in her and stopped talking to her the more she pried into my private life. i know my sister had similar experiences with her. and it has created this cycle where i keep trying to keep her out for my own privacy and dignity and safety and she just gets even more desperate and pathetic trying to get in after breaking my trust over and over and OVER again but i live with her and depend on her for far too many things and so it just. is this. awesomesauce

[internetskiff]

I've sometimes seen this sentiment, especially among reviewers, that SOMA's WAU ""monster plot"" contributes nothing to the main game's story, and that the storyline would infact benefit from the WAU's removal. If you ask me, that couldn't be further from the truth. The WAU is at the root of everything. Frankly, it's the main reason the game's moral dilemmas are.. well, dilemmas at all. If the WAU wasn't making monsters, wasn't there to warp the life around Pathos-II as it saw fit, the game wouldn't have even started. Pathos-II would've just remained dormant forever. Simon wouldn't be there, and neither would any of the obstacles he faces on his journey to preserve humanity. The main reason the WAU isn't directly beneficial to Earth is exactly because its understanding of "life" is so skewed. Its not just bringing things back - its bringing them back incorrectly. Every single "monster" we meet builds a case both against and for the WAU's continued existence.

The Construct shows the WAU's failure to understand humanity in the physical sense, shoving a Human brain scan into a misshapen robot body and calling it a day, leaving it to babble to itself as it aimlessly wanders the halls of Upsilon.

The same could be said for Carl Semken and the other Mockingbirds, though to a lesser degree - though capable of speech, they're still very delusional and oftentimes end up going insane. Still, in some ways you see the WAU's understanding of human psychology progress with each new mockingbird - they become increasingly coherent and increasingly sane, Catherine and Robin Bass being great examples. While the Construct has lost so much of itself you can no longer tell who it used to be, the other Mockingbirds have their sense of self intact. With the WAU's unreliable nature cemented, we move on to its attempts at preserving humans physically, with Amy Azarro being the first proper example Simon gets to witness.

She's kept alive in what seems to be a perpetual state of discomfort, and judging by the structure gel slowly overtaking her I believe the WAU may be slowly converting her into one of the Fleshers. Its keeping her alive, yes, but its doing so at any cost necessary - it doesn't matter if she's in constant pain as long as she doesn't flatline. Its treatment of actual organisms is practically an inversion of its treatment of the Mockingbirds - instead of prioritizing the mental wellbeing of the subject, the WAU prioritizes their physical wellbeing with little to no care for the mental state its "patient" is in the entire time.

Fleshers live and breathe, but they seemingly aren't "all there" at all. The lights are on, but no one's home anymore. All they do is wander the ruins of the CURIE and lash out at anyone who enters their territory - the WAU has basically reduced them to animals.

Terry's been driven insane from all the structure gel infesting his insides, and though his goal was "technically" benevolent (putting everyone into a permanent dream state where the WAU could make them live the best possible versions of their lives), he achieved it through incredibly violent means, conducting what was basically an attack on Theta and causing its downfall. So far, its attempts at preserving humans physically have simply resulted in increasingly grotesque and violent monstrosities - but I would argue you see that begin to change when Simon reaches Omicron.

When you reach it, you see the aftermath of a particularly gruesome procedure WAU had carried out - everyone's blackboxes have exploded, turning their heads to mush. We find out that one of the employees, with the help of someone particularly close to the WAU, had figured out how to poison it. They have been receiving "visions" and "messages" from a comatose Johan Ross - the WAU's "AI psychologist", someone it desperately tried to restore from a comatose state by manipulating structure gel with electromagnetic fields. Either the WAU deliberately retaliated when it figured out the poisoning plot, or it had simply overdone it when restoring Johan Ross - sacrificing an entire station's worth of lives to bring someone back. Either way this shows a tremendous amount of intelligence on the WAU's part - and also paints it as either exceptionally cruel or exceptionally empathetic depending on the perspective you view it from. Either it considered Johan so important to it that it was willing to sacrifice most Omicron staff, or it was willing to violently retaliate in order to preserve itself. Either way, Omicron houses what I believe to be a sign of the WAU's steadily improving understanding of humanity - Dr. Johan Ross.

He has been restored with both his physical health and mental faculties (relatively) intact. He isn't violent, and he perfectly understands what condition he is currently in - but despite that he doesn't seem to be physically suffering. He is still driven to eliminate the WAU, but it seems to be less out of personal suffering and more out of fear in regards to the suffering its other creations may go through. I believe he's an example of a semi-perfectly restored human - both him and Simon himself. They're both cases of, as Catherine puts it, "a sound mind in a sound body". But although the signs are there, there is no outright definitive proof that the WAU's creations will only continue to get better.

And that's what makes the game's final moral dilemma so compelling to me. The whole game has been providing us with both evidence and counterevidence towards the WAU's idea of restoring humanity. Now, it's up to you to act as its jury and executioner. By killing it you either stop it from torturing the memory of humanity, or you doom humanity to extinction in all senses of the word. By keeping it alive, you either doom the remnants of humanity to an eternal torturous existence, or you give the WAU a chance at creating something new. There is no way of knowing what choice is correct - because you don't know what the WAU is thinking. You never get to. You don't know its plans, you don't know if it even has the capacity to actually learn from its mistakes, hell, you don't even know if its capable of thought - but here it is. Making things. Terrible things, but there's a chance that it'll only get better with time. Simon himself is evidence of that chance. It has already managed to make what could be classified as a "complete" person. And if you kill it, Simon's going to be the last "complete" person it managed to bring back.

[tokiro07]

Undead Unluck ch.220 thoughts

[Here For a Good Time AND a Long Time!]

(Contents: thematic analysis - happiness/autonomy)

All Up From Here

What'd I tell ya? You don't give things a numerical score, cus something better is always capable of coming along. Tozuka himself even incorporated my exact feelings into this chapter!

"I'm as happy as can be, Andy." "What are you talkin' about, Nico?! It's all up from here!!"

Acknowledging that you're happy is of course an important first step to actually being happy, but to say that you can't be happier is to say that you'll never be this happy again, like a preemptive refusal to accept greater happiness in the future

This is also why I don't personally like to throw around "peak" as a compliment, because again it implies that nothing compares now and never will again. It puts the recipient on a pedestal, and forces all further interactions to be analyzed exclusively in comparison rather than on their own

Take me for example: long-time readers of mine know that Medaka Box is my favorite manga of all time, but as UU has continued to grow and evolve artistically and narratively, I've been forced to reexamine my relationship with both series. By insisting that nothing would ever surpass Medaka Box in my heart, I've been actively holding my opinion of UU down, refusing to change the shape of the hole that Medaka Box left in my life to fit UU, afraid that doing so would cause me to forget Medaka Box

...Huh, that sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Andy telling Nico to look forward rather than becoming complacent with his current happiness or previous joys is actually a perfect capstone to their last meeting in the previous loop, as Nico's inability to allow Mico to make him happy in Ichico's place was ultimately what allowed Ragnarok to reach a critical point as quickly as it did. He certainly won't allow it to get to that point again, but rooting himself in the high of getting married rather than looking forward to the perpetuity of married life rings a bit of a bell, and one that Andy is quick to silence

This Too Shall Pass

Andy himself needs to take a future-focused stance like this, as if he doesn't, he would certainly go insane...again. In L100, he spent 200 years trying to kill himself because he saw no future in his immortality, just a constant waste of time with no purpose or goal. He would never find love, and any love he did find would be fleeting, as he would watch everyone he cared for slip away. He'd peaked when he had his gang in the Wild West, and everything since then was downhill

Until he met Fuuko

Once Fuuko was in Andy's life, suddenly every day was better than the last. Every day was fun, every day was worth living, and even when he couldn't see her anymore, when he was stuck eternally burning alive on the sun, he knew that there would be a day when the suffering would end. Because he had something to look forward to, the knowledge that things would get better, Andy was able to put up with literally the most painful hardship anyone has ever experienced without a word of complaint

All thanks to Fuuko

No Fate But What We Make

Fuuko, of course, went through the same thing, just on a much smaller scale. She went through ten years of believing that there was no future in a life where she couldn't touch anyone, and the only thing that kept her going was the serialization of a manga. Once it ended, so too did the roadmap of her life; if the only thing she could look forward to was the next chapter, there was no future without one

It was only when she met Andy that she began to see possibilities for herself, that that there was a reason to keep going. Because of Andy, Fuuko was able to look ahead and make a real plan for herself, to commit to multiple preparations and contingencies across 200 years of loneliness, to lay the foundation for her and everyone else's happiness

All thanks to Andy

But Fuuko interestingly takes the opposite approach here. While she builds her future, she seems to think of it as a culmination of the past. She says that the moment of their meeting wasn't the start of their story, but rather Andy's very creation was the start, that he and his life choices are what brought the present and future into possibility. Fuuko attributes all of her successes to him, a domino chain that simply swept her along

But just like Andy corrected Nico, so too does he correct Fuuko

"It started with you, Andy. If you were never born, then I -" "Ha! It was just dumb luck. You're the one that turned that luck into fate."

In this moment, Fuuko has an external locus of control, believing herself to have been dealt a bad hand and that she just got lucky when she swapped out her cards, but that's not what Andy sees. He sees a woman who made the right calls with what she had, who swapped out the right cards and made the right bluffs to turn a bad hand around and win big anyway, and he doesn't want her to lose sight of that

Just like he doesn't want Nico to think his life is going downhill, he doesn't want Fuuko to think her life isn't in her control. If life isn't in your control, then neither is your happiness; anything you have can be taken away, and you forfeit the ability to take it back. Again, Andy can attest to that: he only found Fuuko by sheer dumb luck

No one orchestrated their meeting, it just happened, and it was only because Fuuko made the choice to embrace the consequences of that meeting that their lives turned out for the best. If Fuuko hadn't pushed herself to kiss Andy and save both of them from being captured by the Union, she likely would have been killed and he probably would have somehow found his way back to being Victor, this persona fading into nothing while still remaining unnamed

When hardships inevitably come Fuuko's way again, she needs to understand that she can't rely on luck to save her, but she can rely on herself. She's proven it a thousand times, and even become someone that everyone else can rely on; with her own hands, she defied everyone's destinies and forged a happy ending for all of them. That's not something that could have just happened by the whims of fate, only by the choices of someone with the strength to take control of their own life. After 100 loops with only subtle variations thanks to the minimal interference of the only one who could, the 101st has the chance to create the perfect ending specifically because Fuuko chose to interfere when given the opportunity

And now she has the opportunity to interfere one last time

Let's Enjoy Life

We've talked about it endlessly at this point, but Ruin is a clear foil to Andy in a ton of ways, and this chapter is a perfect illustration of that concept, literally. Not only is this fight happening on the bridge where Andy and Fuuko first met, the flow of the battle itself is like a speedrun of the first 20 chapters

The meteors and lightning from last chapter, getting hit by a vehicle and reduced to a head (the train in ch.1 or the truck in ch.2), having his body sealed by specially made Union containers (eye-scar guy in ch.1), getting pummeled by Void on the highway (ch.2), facing Shen immediately after (ch.3), then jumping straight to being launched into space by Nyoi Kinko (ch.16). Even the way he talks, insisting "this isn't enough to kill me" is pretty much exactly what Andy and Victor would say whenever anyone would hit them with anything - because he thinks they're trying to kill him

But that's not the goal. It never was

Tozuka played a fun little trick on us from the very beginning of the series. By calling UU "the story of [the] quest for the greatest death ever," the expectation that was set up was that we would see the most extravagant, bombastic and show-stopping death ever put to page, that the goal was to find the one thing that could actually overcome immortality. He made a promise that the story would end with Andy's demise and all the spectacle that came with it

With this chapter, it is clear that this was a promise that Tozuka had no intention of keeping

Not in the sense that Andy won't die, I have a hard time seeing this series ending without that punctuation to his story, but the death itself is no longer the purpose of the journey, and I would argue never really has been. The "greatest death ever" is one that comes at the end of a fulfilling life, one where the deceased is surrounded by people who love them and, even through the tears and grief, everyone can look back and smile. This was the lesson that Fuuko learned in ch.1 as she fell to what she thought was her death; the suicide that was meant to end her suffering simply put into perspective how empty her life had been, and being saved, being held, being shown affection by Andy showed her what her life could be

Ch.1 was a perfect preview of the rest of the series, because as I've said many times over by now, Andy and Fuuko's stories are near identical. Just as Fuuko learned that life needs to be lived for death to have meaning, so too would Andy. And now, two hundred and twenty chapters later, Tozuka has finally paid off that slow burn by having Andy acknowledge that he enjoys life!

And now he wants Ruin to do the same.

"I've got one rule and one rule only!! ... Now, c'mon, You follow it too!! Let's enjoy what life has to offer!!"

"You follow it too."

Andy doesn't want to kill Ruin. He wants Ruin to understand the truth. Ruin loves the world, and that's a start, but he wants to eliminate the thing that makes the world truly beautiful - the people in it. Andy's "ridiculously long life" was pointless because he was alone, and Ruin's life is set to be just as long. He insists that he only needs the Rules, but how long can that sustain his soul? At best, madness is all that awaits him, but as we said, a life that accepts it will never be happier is one that has accepted it will be unhappy

Ruin needs to be shown that his way of life will only lead to unhappiness, and that there's a better way. That loving people and being loved by people is better than hating them and isolating from them. Just like Andy drifted through life ambiently allowing things to happen to him, taking opportunities as they came along rather than actively working towards a goal, so too is Ruin losing control in this fight. He's getting smacked around like a rag doll by the culmination of the life that Andy lived, and the Rules he hid behind to distance himself from humanity can't do a damn thing to help him

When Andy thought there was nothing more he could do, that he had to sacrifice himself to the Union to keep Fuuko alive, she stepped up to save both of them, reaching out to someone else for the first time. That was the moment Andy's life started to change, the moment that Andy was truly born, and I believe that Ruin is about to learn exactly what that's like

Undeath and Rebirth

The official twitter gave us a fun bit of insight this week: in L100, the mark over Ruin's eye that I've been calling a scar this whole time was actually a birthmark. While the mark from Remember on Andy actually is a scar, it was present from the moment of Andy's creation, making it functionally identical to a birthmark

But now, in L101, both of these birthmarks are gone. Andy no longer has Remember, and Victor is no longer trying to return, so his wound has healed; meanwhile, Ruin's natural birthmark has been subsumed by a wound. Andy is no longer defined by his origin and now can look toward the future, while Ruin is likely hiding from his origin, covering it up and ignoring the implications of it

Andy was reborn and able to heal, but Ruin is more damaged than ever; more ruined than ever. With his birthmark gone, the pain of his past can be left in the past, but by marring himself so grievously, there will always be a reminder of it. It will only be once Ruin learns to look forward like Andy, like Fuuko, that he will be able to heal and be reborn as well. It is only then that he will cease to be ruined

Conclusion

Of course, this is all assuming that Tozuka actually cares enough about Ruin to keep him around and actively develop him. For all I know, this is going to be another Kururu situation where I'm filling holes that Tozuka only ever planned to leave empty, but as I've said a thousand times, Tozuka has built up more than enough good will for me to give him that benefit of the doubt. I wholeheartedly believe that Tozuka has a plan for Ruin (and hopefully for Kururu too), but in the end I'll still be okay with it either way so long as he uses them properly to develop and analyze Andy and Fuuko

At the end of the day, Ruin's character has given me another angle to approach our leads from, and that's what a good foil is supposed to do. Even if Ruin doesn't accept the lessons and is made to be an illustration of what happens when one refuses to live their life no matter what, that's just as good narratively, even if it's sad to think about. We'll just have to keep reading and enjoy what Tozuka has to offer, whatever that may be

...Ah, crumbs, do I need to change my sign-off???

The original translation was "let's enjoy life," but presumably for either accuracy or dramatic flair, David Evelyn went with "what life has to offer" this time. Now that it's been introduced in canon, that's the quote that's going to become iconic, and most people won't know about Tozuka's convention appearance or the chapter blurb that only appeared in the original magazine run! "Let's enjoy life" is inevitably going to be forgotten as the phrasing of the sentiment, so should I fight the tides and stick with the original, or accept reality and adapt accordingly...

...Well, when I put it that way, after everything I've said in this review, I think my choice is pretty clear. If anyone wants me to go back to the old way, let me know, but for now:

Until next time, let's enjoy what life has to offer!!

[midnight1404]

For the ask game! Taliya🍼🍨🌹🍒🌶️🧅🏵️🥞🍹🍰🍏🥒🥦🌲🍾🍃🌱🌸💮🌷🍧🍇 🍩🎂🥔

Tw: references to different types of child abuse.

🍼 What's your OC's first memory?

Taliya just have fragments from that moment but she remembers one time she was held by her Daddy when she was only maybe some months or a year old. She doesn't remember where they were or if they were alone but she still remembering the feel of his calloused hand playing softly with her yet naked kuru while she was inmobile in his armd, not doing tsaheylu but yes teasing the pink tendrils to make them dance in the air, stare completely lost in them, only stopping when Papa screamed.

🍨How does your OC compose themselves in stressful situations?

Well, Taliya yet in The Offspring is very young so she still keeping the charateristic emotion explosion that kids often have to things that they cant understand or doesnt have the emotional tools to process stress but as consequence of the enviroment she's growing (constant loneliness and isolation, scolds or punishment for being "over emotional", just having a place where she can comfortably cry (Lo'ak) and adults that are unpredictable) she is developing the Jake Sully's clasic tactic, supress her emotions the best she can and do like nothing bad is happening until it exploits in her face :D.

🌹 Does your OC believe in true love? Why?

At this point of her life and in the future, and the reasons are not so different, but yes the way of love.

Kid!Taliya learned all her beliefs about love from Daddy (Papá never liked talk so much about that topic), and he always told her about how the most unconditional love she would ever have would be within her family, how all apple falls close the tree and everyone always will end going back to their roots like it or not. In his worst times, Rjake would say to her that love have to be earned, in the best ones, he just would say that nothing would be capable of separate them. While Lo'ak would just say even the years pass is "Loving you is what saved me."

I can't explain a lot of details bc it would a lot of spoilers for the second part of the "I'm you and you're me" series but Taliya passing time along with Vaykay and learning about her is enough to make her understand that love is the real reason why she exists in first place and why she's still alive.

🍒 Who's your OC's perfect companion?

This is hard one bc this silly girl has more of one companion but i will go for maybe his main companion in The Offspring that will be Walker, the science nerd that is an Grace's fan in secret (or that is what he thinks) but also is a little bit out of his mimd when he gets to excited about his projects, forgetting sometimes about ethics in his work.

The crazy antisocial doctor and her little (not so little taking account she's a navi) assistant💙.

🌶️ Who would your OC declare their sworn enemy if they could meet them?

Quaritch. There is not other answer. As grandaughter like Grandmother, Quaritch is that bitch in their lives that also shares the same feeling. (Rjake gets a free pass bc daddy issues and trauma bonding)

🧅 What is surefire to make your OC cry? Who knows this information?

Separate her from Lo'ak permantenly or leave her in a dark silent room alone for hours. The former one is basically known by everyone who knows her, is easy to guess how Lo'ak is everything she takes for granted and safe in her little world, the only person that would not abruptly change of humour or stop of love her if she does something wrong while the latter is basically one of the extreme punisments Rjake does to her when she doesnt behave or is a bad girl, sometimes locking her in a closet or bathroom until he thinks she learned the lesson. (Bc he is insane and a militar Dad)

🏵️ What flower symbolises your OC best and why? What does the flower mean in floriography?

Sunflowers, because they reminds me to the sun and Taliya loves the sun (and she's sunlight also tbh)

I had to search in Google but sunflowers mean loyalty, happiness, longevity and good fortune :3

🥞 What's the most your OC can eat in one sitting? At what point do they get sick?

Potatoes, she loves potatoes but especially fries, tho sadly, she has a picky stomach and if she eats more of one plate her belly starts to ache like hell xd

🍹 If your OC could go anywhere, where would be?

In The Offspring!universe she would enjoy be anywhere but in the Rda intallations where she can feel the grass but in an Earth!au her kid version would love to visit japan (i hc she would be one of the kids obsessed with pokemon causing her to have her anime phase xd) but teen!Taliya thinks often in Argentina thanks to Spider's (and her creator) influence.

🍰 How does your OC changes as you get to know them?

Pretty much tbh, especially im her way of handle problems and how she acts with the people around her (especially adults) and she does along the war increases in speed and cruelty and she is forced to deal with it in the less delicate way (if there is a delicate way in war tbf), more forced to deal with the most uncomfortable familiar meetings in ever exist, and get used to be a therapist for the old murderous women in her life :3

🍏 How do they differ from the norm and how they are punished for it?

To be fair with her, is not so difficult differ from the norm when the norm is something so strict like be the perfect doll-daughter growing in a military base with an human identity that is built in half-truths and straight lies. I think they differ the most for her curiosity, and her instinct to know things and be smart than the rest, something put her in bad situations with her Dad due to be dishonest with him and Uncle Q's presence just make the tension worse.

Well, the punishment i think already said it in the 🧅 ask but the punishment is basically psicology torture like that or sometimes when Rjake is in an serius agressive-religious mode is made her kneel in front of a closet or wall and made her pray as he uses his belt as whip on her legs, asscheeks or back.

🥒 How innocent are they?

In this part of her life, very much or atleast her incapacity of process heavy information as a six year old without hurt her makes her very naive to her current situation, like she sees what is happening atp but her brain cant give her the right answer yet.

🥦 What do they hate about their species?

She is very confused what species she belongs to at this moment and the thing doesnt get better in the future neither but for now we can day she thinks herself as human/avatar.

She hates how cold they are, she hates how mean they can be with her or the animals subjects in the clonation laboratory. She hates how they dont take her seriously or careabout her at all for be a kid. She learned an specific hate to nurses, alway injecting her hormones to help with her growing problems without caring if she feels pain or not, she hates how they dont like her company, she hates they way they look at her.

🌲What does your OC's dream treehouse looks like? What tree is built upon?

Tbh, her dream treehouse is basically one that could grown from a fallen Samson and make with it a little room where there is something known for her as part of home (the metal, the technology from the Samson) but also something that fascinantes her deeply (a big green tree with it's flowers and mud)

🍾 How does your OC celebrates special occasions? With whom?

It all depends of Daddy, Uncles and Aunts and if they feel with the mood to celebrate a human holiday or birthday (yes almost always).

Excepting from her birthday (where they mostly are her parents+spider if Q lets him in a short little celebration with a white cake fill of dulce de leche but there are always gifts from all the squad(rjake forced them)), the majority of time she is not allowed being part of thr celebration, being locked in her shared room with Papa to watch her favorites cartoons (How to train your dragon, Spirit, Arnold, etc) until she falls asleep. Papa always seems with problems to walk the next morning.

🍃 What's the darkest period of time that your OC has been gone trough?

Offspring!Spoilers.

No matter in what way happened the separation from Lo'ak or Rjake (by death or distance) and the RDA will be always the hardest for her. Not only bc they are the only thing she knows, but also when she is out of the RDA and is forced to see everything she knew being dragged to the ground and show her what is happening around and outside her and is too much, overwhelming, lonely and scary as fuck from someone that young, especially realizing with time as she has other paternal/maternal figures how wrong were the things there plus that she is now safe but Papá and Spider still there and the image of rjake falling and falling but her love for him still there with just a drops of poison mixed there.

🌱 What news loves/hates is your OC discovering?

She will start to hate obey orders and love science, especially biology (100% Walker's fault but rjake is delighted with it bc it reminds him to Tommy so there are not complaints)

🌸Does your OC believe in legends/myths?

Yes, she completely does, and it will show a lot in her interactions with Vaykay, who instead of give her information about Jake will only say Navi/tupani lore on purpose xd

💮Has your OC ever kissed someone? Who, where and when?

She does at her 15-18, i didnt decided with who yet but So'lek and Teylan are the strongest options, in the western front resistance and at the moment she asks to them to be their mate (I know is so cliche but i need to give my sweet girl her happy ending somehow xd)

🌷What is your OC's favorite flower and colour?

As she said in the offspring's introduction, she doesnt know what flowers are TuT but her favorite colour will always be red.

🍧 What's your OC favorite flavour of edible thing?

Watermelon 100%🍉 she loves everything with that flavour even if Daddy says she has bad taste.

🍇What's the circle of people like? What dynamic they would be called?

In The Offspring her circle are basically the recoms so they dynamic is literally: Pretty trophy high price doll that is also a daughter-Pupeteer(daddy) and first-class viewers of the show.

I cant say a lot of the next circle of ppl she would be part of but is mostly: group of freaks and traumatized people and kids (in a way this is just sully's description but these are not the sully who im refering to this time xd)

🍩What is your OC's biggest flaw? Do they deal with it?

Big spoilers!!

She with time developes due to rjake's suicide to save her+the adults around her using her as the voice of reason of their problems+daddy issues the trait of "I can fix him/her" not matter who, she will try of help them to open themselves and often she ends having some feelings for that people even if they never change for better.

She is not dealing with it, rather, her attraction to So'lek and Teylan is heavily related and influenced to this flaw xd.

🎂How does your OC celebrates her birthday? With who, and where?

Spoilers maybe!! And also insane amount of fluff sorry xd

Post her six years, she starts to celebrate them with the Tupani and in the first birthday with them, since they were aware of she feeling lost, unwelcome, alone, underserved of be there (basically, guilt and depression), the tupani instead of made a small celebration during dinner along give the gift they normally do. They asked for help to Walker (you will know later why he is also there) of how birthdays are made by the sky ppl.

So, the night of her seventh birthday she had a little cake of mud made by the other village's kids (obviously the adults dont let them eat it even if they tried) as they tried to sing her in an awful english accent the fucking birthday's song. And more of one handmade gift (her favorites were Vaykay's obsidian knife and Walker's Pandora's plants encyclopledia by Grace Augustine).

🥔 What do they have others see as a flaw, but they don't care about?

Spoilers!

Her extreme kindness to anyone and how she decided to forgives Rjake for everything he did just because she still loves him for be her father even if she also hates him for the damage she and her Papa still living with years after his death. But she cant help it either, her Dad is a ghost about what could have been if rjake decided to live and change for her. She thinks he is a cowrd for kill himself, evade responsability, evade the pain, but she also loves him bc even if he chose the easy way of end the things on purpose, he did it for her.

(Im not saying sucide is for cowards or something like that, but Taliya talks about it bc rjake killed himself bc he preffered death that admit he was wrong but also he didnt want be the cause of his daughter's death)

[cagenerals]

Love Letter To Myself by Anastasia

Dear Anastasia,

Quite the name.

No one says it right and you don't care to ever correct them. You hate the name. It's complicated and the way it looks doesn’t match the way it sounds, but it's unique. There's not much meaning. I guess some uncle named Anthony died and your mom wanted a girl version of that. You never met him, but it seems like your family loved him. Hopefully they love you just as much, if not more.

Dad. You can't say he was a deadbeat because he was there… just not there. He has always been around but it's almost as if he was just a body. No emotion. No love. Only the bi-weekly forced company. But he was young when he had you and now he just works a lot.

Mom Grandma gave you everything your dad wasn't around for. Taught you how to bathe, taught you to not talk to strangers, taught you how to cook, the basics of course. 

You didn't learn what you really needed until your mom grew up. She taught you how to stand up for yourself and how to love. How to fight your own battles and how important school is.

School. It's been kicking your ass.

You've always been told that for the first 18 years of your life that's all that matters. Don't worry about anything but school. 

What about you?

You want to worry about yourself, but in the grand scheme of things there's no time for that. Genetics or whatever targeted you and caused all those mental illnesses. You have depression, anxiety, and bipolar dis— back to school. 

Burned out former gifted child. That's the best way to refer to it. For me, school was easy until it wasn't. 

Honor roll; I'm so proud. Honor roll; amazing. Honor roll; I love you. Honor roll; you’re the best.

Middle school was a long time ago, but I remember the love that came with being there. Everyone was always so proud of you. That's your favorite thing to hear. It inspires you to keep going because your hard work is recognized and appreciated, but it all stopped. No one is proud anymore.

The constant state of disappointment became your state of being. So, what does one do when they run out of external validation? You have to look for it within yourself. 

I’m not my own number one fan. I think that’s okay for now. As humans we all crave a bit of validation from those we care about, an “I’m proud of you” or a “nice job” could make or break a person if we’re being honest. 

The problem is that you only really have yourself at the end of the day. So, I know I don’t like you too much, but I hope one day I will. I just kind of have to stick around until that day comes.

It’s not only because I deserve it. I don’t think anyone deserves to be quite this upset with themselves. Regardless of what I believe right now, I know I'm no exception. 

It’s also out of spite. As a big “f*ck you” to all of the teachers who thought I was a lost cause. To all of the therapists who thought I wasn’t worth their time. To the “friends” who didn’t stick around long enough to see me succeed. I owe it to myself to be my best self, out of spite to the universe and everything it has put me through. 

I think you just kind of owe it to yourself to love yourself just as much as anyone else is capable of loving you. We’ll get there one day. Until then, I'll keep us alive, but you have to do the rest. Change for me, it’s the best way to grow.

~

Special note: This assignment was based off of Love Letter To Myself by Afghan feminist and human rights activist Noorjahan Akbar. Noorjahan has led protests for human rights across Afghanistan and launched the website called Free Women Writers.

All names and identities on CA GENERALS have been protected for privacy.

[scramble-crossing]

Oooo I love a good Kariya analysis! I hope you don’t mind me jumping on :]

When it comes to a lot, if not all, of twewy’s characters, I think it’s pointless trying to drudge up a laundry list of why anyone might constitute as a “good” or “bad” person. Is Kariya a good person? Is Megumi? Sho? Hanekoma? You can pass any sort of moral judgement on these characters (which is easier for some than others), but I think that tends to be antithetical to the message of twewy itself, and simplifies what is by nature a very complex situation. It’s not easy to apply “real world” morals to the Reaper’s Game, where everyone is in a constant state of fighting for survival. Just think of all those Reapers Neku and Beat erased throughout Week 3. They weren’t in control of themselves and can’t be faulted for their actions, but since it was a “them or us” situation, neither can Neku or Beat. It’s harsh, but that’s the name of the game.

With Kariya, what you think of him really depends on how you feel about Reapers as a whole, because Kariya is basically the gold standard. He’s supposed to be lazy, sure, but he never lets that impair his work. I can’t remember if it was the game itself or the old website, but one of them described him as a “perfectionist” when it comes to his job. Like you said, he actually understands the goal of the Reaper’s Game and works to see it realized. He wants “worthy” Players to win even if it costs him points. He doesn't try to claw out extra gains like Uzuki. His reward is the dynamism of Shibuya. This much is clear from one of the only times we see him visibly distraught, when Beat's finally "proven himself" by standing up to Kariya, but because of Konishi's betrayal he can't give him Rhyme back. It's the moment when his laidback persona drops completely and he seems genuinely remorseful, because he couldn't hold up his end of the bargain and give Beat what he'd rightfully earned by learning, growing, and changing exactly how the Reaper's Game intended him to.

(Sidenote: The other two times we see Kariya upset is when Uzuki is in danger. Do you ever think about how Uzuki's only been around for two years as of the first game, which Kariya implies is nothing compared to him? Do you ever wonder how many other partners he might've had? How many he saw erased? Do you ever think that maybe the reason why he was so relaxed about Uzuki leaving him in NEO is because at least she left him alive? Well, as much as a Reaper can be.)

Personally, I think that Reapers and Players are more or less in the same boat. Reapers have a slight edge over Players by virtue of them having more experience with the game, but both are in a situation where the other's survival can mean their own demise, since Reapers will be erased if they can't earn enough points by besting Players and proving their own worth. You can argue that Reapers are more at fault for having made the choice to become Reapers, and that's entirely fair. Then you'd be getting into the fact that every single Reaper, for some reason, preferred an extremely restrictive, dangerous existence in the UG over returning to their old lives. Pair that with the fact that a disturbing amount of Reapers are teenagers and young adults and you start to have to question if many of them were fully capable of grasping the ramifications of their decision...

However a Reaper might've come to stay in the UG, from that point on they have to learn to cope with the mental stress of being thrust into a death game every few weeks and forced to compete with other people over their very existence. It's sink or swim. You find a way to keep your head or you crack under the pressure and get erased. The fact that the character who's arguably the most insistent on this, who constantly drills it into the Wicked Twisters' heads, is Minamimoto, an ex-Reaper, leads me to believe that every Reaper has this "get up or get remaindered" mentality impressed deeply on their psych. I doubt there are many Reapers who take genuine pleasure in erasing Players, and those who act like they do do so only because that's the safest way to play the game, to treat it as just that. A game. One that is filled to the BRIM with scared, traumatized kids who, no matter what side they fall on, I find it hard to judge too harshly.

If you're a Reaper, Kariya is without a doubt the person you should try to emulate. He copes remarkably well, as far as anyone knows. His love of Shibuya and his desire to see it as colourful and vibrant as it can possibly be, the way he's willing to risk his own neck for the city's sake, his talent as a Reaper, the ease with which he handles being judge, jury, and executioner, and the relative fairness he shows while doing so, he's the complete embodiment of what the Reaper's Game is supposed to be. You just never want to end up in a situation where the best possible thing you can do is to be like him.

Do you feel like kariya is a good person to look up to? Like I know day 4 happened but that's like the worst thing he did. And I honestly can't be mad because that "hello, villain? Screwing with you is my job." Line just hits me weird. I'm tempted to write a fic but I dunno

Now that is an interesting question. I see what you mean by "day 4 is the worst thing he did" but that's actually the only thing we see. And while that's the most nefarious action he took, that's the only one we saw, but he's been a Reaper for so long that he most likely erased hundreds of not thousands of players before. Is Kariya an overall good person? No, I don't think so.

But, as you said, "it's his job". Here we fall into the morals of the Reaper's Game and I'm afraid I'm not qualified enough to judge. But I can offer some ideas anyway.

What's the job of a Harrier Reaper? It's not to mindlessly erase Players to rack up points and rise up the ranks as Uzuki seems to believe. Kariya sees further: he knows that the Reapers (Harriers, Supports, Officers...) all have the common goal of helping to judge which Players are worth reviving. It's not about erasing them all, it's about putting up obstacles that will make them grow (for instance, erasing Rhyme was the way to help Beat grow, wasn't it?) and erasing those who are not strong enough to survive. It follows the basic rule of the Reaper's Game which is the survival of the fittest.

Now that rule can obviously be contested in many ways, as it is directly contested mulstiples times during twewy directly, and by Neku himself, who believes that all Players should live again. So there's mutiples questions here: do you agree with the survival of the fittest? If not, do you believe that because someone is asked to do something, then that takes away their responsibility in the actions taken (it's "just his job")?

I don't have any idea on how to answer those questions. Just food for thought!

But on the other hand, Kariya can be looked up to on some subjects. He knows what matters to him (Shibuya) and he's willing to risk his life for it (for instance, going against Shiba or helping Beat and Neku in week three of the og). There's many other steps he takes in order to protect Shibuya (finding the source of the Taboo Noise, trying to find out what Joshua's deal is, fighting against the Plague Noise on his own to protect the RG inhabitants from it...) which clash with his "lazy" personality and show that he can definitely give his all for something as long as it matters enough to him. That man got his priorities straight, I can admire that.

I wouldn't say that he likes to help people because we don't see him do it that often. I believe he's doing it with the same goal in mind that he has for everything else he does: Shibuya's well-being. He helps out Beat to grow because that's what the Game is about, and same for Rindo, because he knows that having people who win the Game and get revived is a good thing for the city thanks to the influence they will have on it (see Shiki's influence through Gatto Nero!).

In the end, to answer your question... it depends on what you believe in. Nobody's perfect, and there's definitely people worse than Kariya to look up to. But it's important to be aware of what his morals are, because of course he's very much a grey character when it comes to those.

[luimagines]

RQ: He’s upset and needs comforting

Masterlist

Ya'll want angst? Because I have some angst.

Very hurt/comfort

Set platonically and within the group since there was no specification. Hope that’s ok! Sorry it took awhile, it got away from me again. I think this may be a trend.

Scenario under the cut! It’s super long so take caution!

Sky

It took a while for you to notice but eventually you do.

Sky has been acting weird all day.

It was only clipped responses at first, then it was was the lack of attention where Sky would have been the first to comment or act otherwise. What really tipped you off finally was how he seemed to be evading the whole group. Not necessarily stepping away and out of sight but he didn’t interact with anyone and when they approached him, he didn’t make eye contact, seemingly trying to cut the conversation short.

No one has said anything. 

You mention it to Twilight about his out of character behavior but he says that it maybe a bad day, or he slept wrong, or some other reason that you stopped listening to because it didn’t make any sense.

Sky was always trying to be friendly no matter his mood and it took a lot to shake him up.

What was eating at the Chosen Hero?

Soon, the uncertainty begins to eat at you too and you wait for night fall, once everyone is asleep to strike.

Strike up a conversation that is.

Sky usually takes the last watch because he’s usually the first one out regardless of what activities for the day so you strive to wake up early.

It works for the most part, your internal clock doing what you want it to do when you blink your eyes open. Part of you begins to drift off again so you sit up and nearly fall asleep that way.

A hand comes up on your back and rubs a small circle. “Nightmare?”

It’s Sky and he’s looking at you with mild concern.

You smile and shake your head. “No. I’m alright but I think I’ll stay up with you if you don’t mind.”

“I wouldn’t mind the company.” He moves out of your space and back to where he sat.

You follow, still groggy from just waking from your slumber but succeed in not stepping on any of your friends or waking them up as well with the added noise. you sit next to the Hero of the Skies with little fan fare and let the moment settle on the both of you before looking skyward.

“Can I ask you something?” You don’t look at Sky and continue star gazing even if they’re a little harder to spot as the sun travels closer for it’s shift.

Sky hums in agreement and follows your gaze upwards.

“Are you ok? You seemed a little off lately.”

Sky doesn’t say anything for the first few seconds and you suspect that maybe he didn’t hear you. With him spacing out so much and the fact that you whispered for the sake of your still sleeping friends, you’re inclined to repeat yourself but Sky answers in time.

“Just thinking a lot, I suppose. Nothing serious.”

“Yeah?” You don’t look his way. This is casual. This is friendly. This is not a big deal. “Rupee for your thoughts?”

“It’s not that interesting.”

You shrug. “Hit me with it anyway. It’s got to be something if it’s throwing you off your rocker. Maybe a new perspective will help clear some of it up?”

Sky frowns at your attempts, once again retreating into his mind. You let the offer hang in the air and let it sink in.

You’re disinclined to bring it up anymore. Your brain is still tired and you’re wondering your effectiveness when half of your thoughts are still muddled with sleep and fatigue. You could have totally slept in some more. What on earth made you think this was a good idea?

“Time mentioned something earlier that I can’t seem to let go of.” Sky begins.

You hum back and let him keep talking.

“I never fought this Ganon guy they all so talk so much about. I fought the God Demise. Before I could land the final blow, he cast a curse on me, on us, that some cycle would continue. His hatred would last forever and my blood line and Zelda’s will be cursed to deal with constant darkness caused by him.” Sky admits, looking now at his intertwined hands. “I finished him soon after that but... I wonder... Am I the cause-... Is this all my fault? Am I the reason that we’re all here right now? That everyone has gone through so much? So many thing happened that should have never occurred. Time and Legend and Wild have all suffered so much.... more than I can possibly ever imagine and it seems like it’s never ending. Everyone starts they’re adventures so young... If I had killed him sooner... If I had just got it over with... If I had just shut him up-”

“Hey.” Your hand lands on his shoulder, cutting off his tirade.  “None of this is anyone’s fault. The only people to blame are Ganon and now, this Demise guy. You did what you could. You still got the job done and no one here will ever blame you for what has happened to them or to Hyrule. You were young too... you’re still young. Give yourself a little kindness and understanding, just as you do with everyone here. You didn’t deserve it either. It’s not like you asked to fight a God.”

“Well...”

“Sky you know what I mean.”

“I should have been faster. If-”

“There’s no use in worrying about what if’s.” You shove him slightly. “This is our life. Even if you ask, no one is capable of giving you the answers. I get it. It’s hard to know if the path you took is the right one if it’s all you’ve ever known and you can’t see where the other would have lead... But... Even if horrible things happen, I’m still glad to have met you. I’m glad I met the others. I’m happy to be here with you and with them, and I’m glad that it’s not just me anymore.”

You let the words sink in before leaning down wards and trying to get him to look you in the eye. “I can’t answer your questions. But what happened, happened and the best thing we can do is learn how to play with the cards we’re dealt.”

He take a deep breath and  finally looks in your direction. “I know you’re right.” 

“Naturally.”

“But I can’t help but feel responsible for being-”

“But you’re not responsible for their pain or any of this Sky. If Ganon has anything to do with Demise then it’s all Demise’ fault. His and his only. Understand?” You stress. “I wish... I wish I could do something more to help.”

Sky places his hand over yours where you still have it on his shoulder and sends you a small smile. “I know. Me too.”

Wild

“Zelda, would you please drop it!” You hear the Champion yell, his voice carrying over the wind and somehow getting louder. “We’ve had this conversation before and it’s not the time to have it again. I have things to do excuse me.”

Wild storms into his house and shuts the door behind, blocking it with all his weight and waits for the indignant shrieking on the other side to go away. The voice ends with a frustrated huff and after a moment of silence, Wild relaxes and steps away from the door and further into the house.

You’re almost scared for the moment. You’ve not known Wild to yell, even less so for a Link to be on bad terms with Zelda no matter the universe. To make matters worse, you were the only that was actually within the house at the moment and you weren’t entirely sure how to proceed from here.

“Trouble in paradise?”

That probably wasn’t the way to go, if you were being honest with yourself.

Wild groans, loud and exaggerated and sits at the table in front of you with as much fan fair.

“Do not...call it that.” He sounds tired.

“Sorry.” You amend with an apologetic shrug. “That-” You reference to the scene outside. “-Didn’t sound ideal.”

“No. It’s not.” Wild sighs and places his face in his hands with his elbows on the table. Bad table manners, a small voice in your head pipes up. But it’s his house, so you bite your tongue.

“Can I ask what it was about?” You hesitatingly venture.

Wild takes a deep breath and slowly lets it out. “I wanted to live a simple life.” He starts. “Everything was over now, right? That was the idea I had. Defeat the evil and get to finally live as a normal man. Maybe explore more of my home and show Zelda all the cool things I’ve seen and done. Everything I knew, everything I remembered is gone and has been gone for a while. No one alive misses it. No one alive even knows about it. This is the world they were born into and they wouldn’t have it any other way. I was prepared to accept that and join them.”

Your face twists in sympathy as you nod along. “I take it that’s the issue here.”

“When I defeated Calamity Ganon and reunited with Zelda, she seemed so full of hope and purpose.” Wild continues. “I saw it in her eyes. She wanted a different thing to what I wanted.”

“And what’s that?”

Wild gives you a pained look. “Zelda wants to try and rebuild the kingdom. Make it into what she remembers it to be. She wants to strengthen relationships with the other nations and reestablish the royal family and a whole lot of other things that I cannot begin to think of how long it would both take and last considering all the damage that already been done. She wants to be Queen. And over what? Hyrule Kingdom is no more. Can’t be a Queen without a kingdom to rule and there’s not a lot of Hylians left that would agree to being ruled over or even enough of them to count as a kingdom to begin with.”

“I suppose it’s not a bad goal to have but you do make a point.” You try and add to the conversation, feeling wildly out of your depth. “Does she know that you-”

“Yes. And she thinks I’m crazy for it. She thinks that I’ve given up on my friends and the past and the future and- uugghhh.” Wild leaned forward and slams his head on the table with enough force to make you jump.

“That look like it hurt.”

“I’ve had worse.”

“I believe you.” A small smile covers your face.

A beat passes before Wild continues to talk with his head still on top of the table. “I don’t think she realizes that I’ve changed after everything. Maybe if I had my memories to begin with, or maybe if I had managed to defeat Calamity Ganon sooner, I’d be more inclined to agree with her, but I’ve experienced so much and done so much that I don’t want to go back to how things were. I’m a different man now.” Wild looks up at you. “She’s different too but I don’t think she’s ready for that conversation.” 

“So you’re stuck with this one?”

“Yes.”

“That sucks man.” You shift in your seat. “Anything I can do to help?”

“Not if you can change the past.” He pouts.

“Shame. I’m fresh out of past changing wishing powder.”

“That’s not a thing.” He pouts even more.

You chuckle at the display before sobering up ever so slightly. “Do you want me to talk to her?”

“What good will that do?”

“Maybe a third person party has to step in. It could be that it’s because you’re the one who saying that she isn’t listening.” You shrug. “I think you’re right but I’m willing to give her chance to tell her side of the story while you cool down in here. I can be a distraction so you can sneak out quietly and she won’t know you’re here anymore! It’s a win win! And maybe you guys can come to an agreement when you both see each other again with new perspectives.”

Wild gives you another tired look and leans into his hand. “I doubt it would work. Zelda is incredibly stubborn, one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met. But if you think it would help, I won’t stop you. I’ve run out of arguments and I’m done hearing hers.”

“Ok.” You say getting up and moving around the table. “I think it’s worth a shot. There’s a saying where I’m from that goes, ‘it’ll all be alright in the end, and if it’s not alright, then it’s not the end.’”

You give Wild a hug around his shoulder and squeeze him tight. “I have faith that you’ll pull through and get to live peacefully, but until then, you’ve got us on your side ok?”

He leans in your direction and wraps his arms around your own. “I know. I figured as much.”

“Good man.”

“I’m definitely sneaking out of here though.”

“That’s fair. Go hide.”

“I will... And thanks for listening to me. I didn’t mean to go off like that.”

“That’s what I’m here for.”

Four

"I'm sorry, what?" Four snaps his head up to stare at the Champion.

"What?" Wild tilts his head. "What? There's no stuff in the grass in my Hyrule. Just crickets and lizards...you know normal stuff. I don't know why there's tools and rupees in all of yours."

"You don't-" Four cut himself off with a click of his teeth, a piece in his mind clicking into place. He stands suddenly, clearly upset and tense as he processes the information.

"Four?" You call out to him but he doesn't respond to you, nor does he look back.

"Four!" Hyrule calls as well. "Where are you going?"

No reply.

"I'll go with him. Just in case." You stand up in a rush and nearly knock over the equipment at your feet in the process. "Don't wait up for us."

You follow him.

Four is fast and quiet and it takes very little time to lose him- or rather, for him to lose you.

Before you knew it, there's no trace of him and there's nothing within the forest that would give you a hint to his whereabouts.

"Great." You hiss and look around.

Nothing.

"Four!" If he won't show himself, you'll just have to make some noise. "Four! Four! Show me a sign so I know you're not dead!"

You wait.

"Don't make me get Wolfie!"

Nothing.

"Four!" You scream a little louder and begin to run. Now that you've said it out loud, despite being a joke in the beginning, the thought of Four being dead somewhere spikes your panic and anxiety and it fuels your quest.

It's only been a few minutes and Four can handle himself just fine but you don't think about that.

"FOUR!"

"Why are you screaming?" A voice come just beyond you.

You sprint toward it and find Four in a small clearing, crouched down and appearing to hold something in the palm of his hand.

"I was calling you." You don't know how you find it in you scold him. "A response would have been nice."

"Sorry." He shrugs. "I was having a conversation, it would be rude to drop it."

You get on your tip toes to look around him and find nothing. "With... With what?"

Four looks down into his hand and places it, ever so gently, on the ground, pausing and standing up to see you. "You can't see them?"

"See who?" You step over to him. "Four? Are you ok?"

His face twists in annoyance before sighing. "I'm fine."

"No offence, but I doubt that."

"It... a group of creatures that can only be seen by good children. They were important on my quests and have helped me greatly. Children usually stop seeing them around the time when they turn sixteen."

"Would it be easy for me to chalk it all up to magic?" You bit your lip.

"Probably. If it'll help you sleep at night." Four sighs and looks down to the ground, a small smile on his lips before it twists into a painfully and... he looks seconds from crying.

"I did so much to help them... and they helped me.... They leave gifts in the grass to help travelers and us heroes alike and yet... Wild says it doesn't happen anymore..." Four gulps and looks away from you and what ever is by his foot. "They wouldn't stop.... They're incredibly kind and hospitable and... There's no reason for them... Why are they gone?"

"Four." You reach out and place a hand on his shoulder.

"What happens to them?" His Adam's apple bobs a bit as he sucks in a breath. "It just means there was no one to help them."

"Oh Four." You pull him into a hug and nearly crush him with it.

"There's nothing I can do to help them, is there?" He sniffles into your chest.

"No, I... I don't think so Four. Not that far out into the future." You shake your head and begin to rub circles on his back.

You don't think he's crying but he might be fighting it because he does begin shaking.

He doesn't say anything else and you're loath to let him go when he's so emotionally charged. So you hold him. You hold him for as long as he needs and you wait for him to pull away first.

When he does, you keep your hands on his shoulders and he stays within your reach. Four begins to take deep calming breaths with his eyes closed and you instinctually run your hands through his bangs and push some of the loose hairs from his face.

Minutes continue to pass and the sounds of nature around you fill the void.

"I'm sorry." You say. "I wish I could help you but I don't know how."

Four nods and rubs his eyes. "I don't doubt that. Thank you. I'll be ok."

You don't think he's ready to go back to the group just yet, not after all that. "Tell me more about these friends of yours. How did they help you? How did you help them? What are they exactly?"

It earns you a small laugh and he grins up at you with a watery smile. "Sit down. And let me tell you about the Picori."

Twilight

“You almost died and for what?!” Twilight screams at Wild for the umpteenth time.

It startles you to hear his voice reach such volumes but you’re inclined to agree with him this time around. After Wild’s stunt with taking a hit to the head for Wind, you’d been on the look out for his more... self sacrificing behavior. You knew he wouldn’t think twice to do it and you tried to make it so there wouldn’t even be a chance for him to make such a decision.

This time though, in this last fight, you took your eyes off of him for only a moment and that’s when he broke his streak of uneventful fights. 

Twilight, of course, is livid and has no regard for the poor creatures of the forest that have to endure his tirade as he unleashes his concern and worry in the form of rage and over exaggerated gestures.

When Hyrule finishes healing your more minor wounds, you slink away from the soon to be screaming match since Wild is very much still conscious, if a little roughed up. You don’t intended to stray as far as you go but you don’t find it in yourself to care for the time being.

Being around so many people for so long is taxing. You make the executive decision to remove yourself for the time being while tensions are high, to both cool off and to avoid getting hit in the crossfire.

There’s a small creek nearby, you find, and decide to make a small space for yourself there until dinner comes rolling around. The birds and the babbling waters calm your soul and snuffle out the last of the adrenaline. You don’t know how long you sit there, but you can faintly hear the screaming match in the distance that you dipped out of.

You don’t regret it.

More time passes and you find that you may or may not have taken a small nap in the meantime. If the position of the sun is anything to go by.

Despite the pain in your back from sleeping against a tree, the slight ache in your neck from the angle you slept in, you feel better. Clearer, even.

You hope your absence wasn’t entirely noticed but you can’t seem to regret leaving either.

Footsteps creep closer to you and you huddle into a small ball out of habit to avoid detection.

It’s Twilight.

He walks near the creek and takes a heavy seat next to it. He looks both pale or red faced at the same time but exhaustion is laced in his entire body from what you can tell.

He doesn’t notice you.

You uncurl and set your legs out in front of you. Leaning forward a little, as quietly as you can, you see that he’s upset. It doesn’t surprise you. But seeing as you don’t how to deal with an upset Twilight and you can’t really sneak away without crossing his line of sight or making any miniscule noise, you still yourself and wait.

And wait.

And wait.

Twilight calls your name. Quietly and hollow- like he’s not all there. Or in the way one would talk to a memory.

It’s immediately unsettling. Both in how he sounds and how he knew you were there without you doing anything. But you suppose Twilight can just sense things like that from times to time. It’s certainly not the first time he’s done it.

“I’m here.” You reply.

“How long?”

“A few hours I think. Longer than you were here that’s for sure.” You shrug and slowly crawl out of your hidey hole. “I think I fell asleep....The sun wasn’t over there when I first got here.”

Twilights hums in what you think is agreement but it’s really only a sound. “It’s a nice spot.”

You smile. It’s tense and little fake, but he’s not looking at you so you don’t care for authenticity. “Good thing it’s big enough for the both of us huh?”

“Yeah.” He looked into the distance again, noting that the sun is beginning to set and takes a deep breath. “Do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls?”

“Can’t say that I have.” You move closer to him, aiming to sit by his side. “I’ve always enjoyed sun sets and I find them calming to watch but hearing someone finding them sad is a new one. Do you feel sad as dusk falls?”

He hums again. “They say it’s the only time their world interacts with ours.”

“Whos?”

“Lingering spirits I suppose...” Twilight tilts his head upwards before twisting it to look at you. “It’s nothing. I’m just reminiscing about my life before my adventure is all. My... father told me those words and I haven’t forgotten them since.”

You hum this time and lean back to mirror him. “Wanna tell me why?”

“That Champion reminds me so much of myself and yet... he’s ten times worse.” Twilight falls backwards with a soft thump. “I know why he does it but I...”

“You care about him and don’t want to see him hurt.” You shrug. “It’s not exactly a new concept.”

“Tell that to him.”

“Maybe I will. He gets just as upset as you do when this happens, you know.” You shift your weight to make it easier to stand up later.

“Does he? You’d think that he’d get the point to stop doing then.” He growls.

“Maybe he’s scared of losing more friends.” You blurt before you can stop yourself. That was something Wild told you in confidence and while he didn’t say you couldn’t tell anyone- that was kinda implied.

Twilight stills for a moment, the fight leaving him again in a single breath as he considers your words. They don’t seem to be new news to him.

Wild is pretty close to Twilight...Maybe he already knew.

“I still think I’m entitled to not like it.” He settles.

“It’s not he’s asking you to be ok with it. I know I’m not.” 

“I guess that’s fair then.” Twilight sits up again and stands up in one fluid motion that you envy. With a turn on his heel, he holds his hand out to you to take.

You take it and feel him effortlessly lift you off of the ground with that one hand.

You don’t comment on it.

“Come on.” He says. “I’m going to need you for moral support.”

“Why?”

“If I yelled in front of him of the whole group, I should apologize to him in front of the whole group.” He admits and wraps his arm around your shoulders. “But I might need an excuse to get close to him again after all the things I’ve said.”

“I get your desert and you’ve got yourself a deal. I left to not get involved and here you are... involving me.” You tease. “I demand payment.”

“One desert? I can do that.”

Hyrule

“I can’t do this.” You snap your head to the sound of the voice and see Hyrule with his arms cross and shaking.

“What? What’s happening? Hyrule?” You step closer to him as you’re the only one within arms reach. “What do I need to do? How can I help?”

“There’s nothing. Nothing you can do, that can make this better.” Hyrule takes one ground step before throwing his arms down. “Don’t you see them? With all their tools and experience and then there’s- me. Just me. Some magic later and a old man with a sword and I found myself trying to save my princess and defeat some evil, but these guys...”

You look around, trying to see if Legend or Sky are close enough to give you back up, or better yet, take over. You suppose it’s better than a panic attack but it’s so left field that you’re stunned and floundering to catch this hot potato of a conversation.

He keep talking.

“For all that is good and holy, they are heroes. Do you see them? Some of them have training, and families and skills and I....was just a boy in a grave yard. How can I even compete with them? I don’t, that’s how. But how can they consider me an equal? When I was in town and listened to the elders and their stories, they would tell me of a legendary hero from the past who courageously defended our home until the very end and who was virtually undefeated in all his adventures. And then I meet Legend....and he’s so much cooler than all those stories combined.”

“Link.” You call out to him and back to the real world. “You need to slow down for me honey because you’re too fast for me to keep up. What do you mean how can they see you as an equal? You defeated Ganon just as they did. You stood up for your home just as they did. You did it all on your own just as they did. Why wouldn’t they consider you an equal? No one cares about where you’re from, if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

“But they can do so many things even without the sword!” He exclaims. “They all have a place to go to, a person who cares about them, a title or a skill and a world that’s not on the brink of collapse-”

“Ok, whoa, hey.” You step into his space and take his face into your hands, bringing it up for him to look you in the eyes.

“I have no idea what brought this up but I won’t stand for anyone talking bad about you. And that includes you. We... can talk about your home with clearer heads later, ok? Maybe the others can help with that when we get there, yeah? And well....” You’re sinking. You don’t know what to do with all this information and you have even less of an idea about how to address it.

“Good golly, when it rains, it pours with you lot, doesn’t it?” You hiss under your breath and bite the bullet. With a strong grip, you wrap your arms around the Traveler and pull him close. You try to keep your grip strong without fear of hurting him, but it hits you then how thin he is. How light he actually is. You can feel the hint of armor under his tunic and it does little to quell your fears.

“Clearly there’s a lot on your mind. And... I’m probably not the person to help you through this. If you want to talk about not belonging though, I’m free to listen. I’m the only one here who’s not a Link, if you haven’t noticed.” You try to joke but it falls a little flat. “You though... You belong here with all of us... all of them... And if you need more convincing then I’m bringing this up with Legend who’s is over the moon proud of you and what you can do and he told me himself that he couldn’t be happier to have you as his successor-”

“Really?”

“Not in those exact words admittedly,-” You gulp as the word vomit continues to bubble out of you in waves of panic. “-but I know that’s what he meant because he doesn’t stop talking about how cool you are.”

“Hm.”

“And everyone has a different background, ok? Everyone has skills and people that the others don’t have. That’s ok. It’s not a competition. I get worried that one day you guys are going to create some game out of all your trauma. Like... who had it worse and just go around in a circle listing off all the things that happened to each of you... Whoever runs out of things to say or can’t think of something as bad or worse than the others is out. Last man standing wins.”

“Don’t give them ideas.” You feel him chuckle. It’s breathless and small and it doesn’t reach your ears despite your closeness but you feel it.

“Good thing it’s just you and me right now.” You sigh a little in relief and loosen the hug. “Look, just.....whatever you think you can’t do, just know that there is someone who is confidently doing it wrong right now. In the group or not, just keep your eyes and watch. They don’t plan on doing it better either and people are celebrating them for it. Please believe in your own excellence as much as they believe in their mediocrity.”

“Big words.”

“You’re awesome for trying. Others are not and don’t plan to. You’re already better than them.” You amend, stepping away to look him in the eye again. “The group can’t do magic like you can. That’s all you. They all have items sure but no one can do what you do... and you’re self taught, right? That’s incredible! You have just as much as a reason to be here as the others. I swear it.”

Hyrule sighs and gulps. He doesn’t believe you. It’s not enough.

You knew it wouldn’t be and it’s definitely doesn’t scratch the tip of the iceberg of the bomb he just dropped on you but... step by step. Little by little. you have a plan.

“Screw it. Let’s catch up with Wind and Warrior and get them to tell you how awesome you are, since you won’t listen to me. And if you’re still a nonbeliever then we move on to the next pair. We’ll go down the line if we have to.” You nod and grab his hand, beginning to drag him along.

He laughs after you, a little hysterical and in disbelief. “You’re crazy.”

“That is not new information.” You reply, hiding your grin. “I say it’s Hyrule loving hours and I’m gonna get everyone to join.”

“You’re not joking are you.” It’s a statement. He already knows the answer.

“Nope!”

Legend

It was your turn on watch for the night. In an hour or two you were supposed to wake the Veteran for his shift and finally catch some sleep.

The others snored and slept away without a care in the world. It was just you and cackling fire that was active but you’d kill for something to help your mind get passed the boredom.

Anything but monsters or an attack that is. You’d hate to jinx your good luck so far.

In the corner of your eye, while fighting to keep your head up, you see Legend shift. Not necessarily unusual. You’re inclined to ignore it.

But then he shifts again, whimpering like he’s been hurt and a white knuckled grip on the blanket.

You still and begin to wonder what’s your level of care here.

Part of you, in kindness, wants to go wake him. The lack of sleep seems more merciful than letting him suffer a prison of his own making.

But you also don’t know how he’ll react.

You know he’d hate to be seen as weak for whatever normal reason and he’s been inclined to wake up swinging in the right circumstance.

Twilight suffered a broken nose for the whole night because he was disinclined to wake up Hyrule or take a potion.

Not you’d make the same decision and suffer the whole night in the same manner but it certainly fails to sound appealing.

Just as your about to appeal to your better nature and force yourself to go wake him before it gets worse, he shoots up into a sitting position with a strangled scream. The job seems to have been done for you- but in the worse way.

He’s breathing hard with his hand gripping his chest. Legend begins to frantically look around and slowly begins to piece together where he is and what’s happened. He never looks behind him, where you are, before running a hand through his hair a little harder than you think reasonable and getting to his feet.

You cough slightly, leaning away from the fire and back into previous position. You hadn’t realized you leaned into his direction as you watched him, inches from putting your face into the flame.

He startles at the sound and whips around, one hand poised to reach the sword he’s not equipped with.

“It’s just me.” You wave. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”

He calms somewhat and you can see his jaw flex. “Well, goodnight to you.”

His voice is croaked- from disuse or an overwhelming emotion, you’re not sure.

“For me maybe. But you? That was quite a scare you gave me as well.” You play it off. You can at least pretend that you weren’t watching him. That you would have saved him a little earlier and took your sweet time doing it. You offer a peace offering to your morals. “Want to talk about it?”

“What’s there to talk about?” He snaps, furiously rubbing his face. “It’s nothing new. We all deal with it one way or another.”

“True. But it’ll be easier to let it go, and let the experience float up into the air and never return. Otherwise it’ll fester and grow.” You shrug. “But I won’t force you. I know you’re not exactly fond of me.”

Legend glares into the fire as you talk and refuses to look at you. Once you finish though, he moves his head away, still not in your direction but visually drops more tension from his shoulders.

He doesn’t say anything.

“There’s a spot next to me with your name on it if you want it.” You offer. “A little company wouldn’t hurt.”

He takes more time to respond and you resolve to go back to staring at the fire.

A moment or two passes and you hear the faint sound of crunched foliage. It takes of your will power to not look up as he approaches and even more so when he decidedly sits next to you.

The fabric of his tunic brushes your leg for a minute and it strikes you odd that he sat that close despite the rest of the log at his disposal.

It must have been bad if he wants to be close to someone right after. The thought enters your mind. Once it’s there you don’t chase it away and instead casually lean back with your hand behind you.

If the angle causes you to lean closer to him in the process, you don’t say anything. 

And if Legend notices, he doesn’t say anything either.

A moment of time passes in silence, the only sounds through the whole forest are crickets and a passing owl with the occasional whisper through the trees.

“How do you do it?” He asks.

“Do what?” You tilt your head in his direction.

He’s still not looking at you.

“Keep going.”

The answer shocks momentarily but you’re not surprised that it’s coming from him out of the whole group. “Legend-”

“I’m tired.” He says instead. “I hate this. I hate that sword. I hate that pig demon. I hate that I can’t be done.”

You hand comes up to his shoulder and you force him to look at you. 

He lets you and he looks up to you with tears building up in his eyes and for a moment you’re struck by the odd balance of how old he sounds but how young he looks- is.

You stuck floundering for a response to answer him with but he asks one more thing. “Why can’t I be done?”

You pull him into a hug before you can stop yourself. “I don’t know. I don’t know Link.”

You find yourself wanting to cry as well once Legend collapses into the hug. He’s not hugging you back but he’s being held for the first time in... you don’t know how long. Your grip tightens.

“But I do know is that you’re not alone. Not anymore. And maybe....maybe this is the final fight. That’s why we’re all together right? A darkness so evil ahead that every hero is required and then....rest. For each and every one of you.”

You sniffle, carding your fingers through his hair without a moments hesitation. “If it’s not then I’ll fight everything for you from then on. I’ll take your place you hear me. I’ll take your job and title and you won’t have to do this anymore.”

“I’m the Hero of Legend. That’s not exactly an easy thing-”

“No. I am the hero now. I’ve decided it.” You hide the tears in his hair to the best of your ability.

Legend snorted, loud and wet but you elected to ignore it just as you were ignoring the ever growing wet spot on your shoulder. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“It does now. I said so.”

A beat.

“...Ok.” He sniffled and rubbed his head on your shirt. He took a deep breath and exhaled, letting the night take over the atmosphere again. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

He nods once, definitive and final. Your expecting him to let go now and return to his roll, already electing to take over his shift as well and just push through the next day.

Except he doesn’t.

Legend calls your name, testing the waters and lifts his head up ever so slightly. “...It’s not that I’m... not... fond of you-”

“Save it for a rainy day.” You grin. “I think you’ve had your fill of emotions for the night.”

He nods and eventually slips into sleep with his head on your chest, no doubt lulled by your heartbeat.

With tearful eyes, you stare back into the fire.

Time

Time marched from the stunned group the same way a parent does after making a scathing remark instead of a lecture.

You know the one. 

“I’m not mad. Just disappointed.”

The poor boys suddenly didn’t know what to so with themselves or how to get back into Time’s good graces.

You felt for them and their awkward meandering through the camp. So, with your pride swallowed, you follow in the vague direction where Time went off to and decided to at least talk him down.

He is... decidedly harder to find than you previous imagined.

Just as your starting to think the Old Man doesn’t want to be found, you hear subtle swing. It’s to your left and it sounds heavy.

So naturally you follow it

Which leads you to a small clearing just beyond a bunch of bushes.

Time is there, full armor still on and swinging his giant sword forcefully, each swing stronger than the last. It’s as if it weighs only as much as Four. You’ve wondered in the past what it would like if he decided to actually throw the smallest ones of the group but out of fear, do not voice your ideas.

Just because Time won’t doesn’t mean that the others won’t try.

It’s hard being the responsible one when there are nine Links to take care of, each as much as a gremlin as the last. It must be hell on Time’s back to carry the group.

You see where he’s coming from and yet...

“You can stand to be a little more patient with them.” 

The words are out of your mouth before you can actually stop them.

Time stops abruptly, in both the figurative and literal sense, before the man turns to you with that same face of neutral disappointment.

“They are heroes.”

“They are also children, Time. I think that it’s because they are heroes that they deserve to act their age every now and then.”

“Slacking won’t divert the evil away from our home.”

“Running face first into the problem won’t solve it either.” You sigh and walk up the man. He tenses as you approach and slowly lets his weapon down. The Hero of Time is an intimidating creature but you refuse to let that dissuade you.

“Look, I know why you’re upset. I get it. It’s hard to get a job done when you feel like you’re the only one it’s important to... But have a little faith in our group. Please.” You plead and stop right in front of him. You have to look up at him slightly due to the angle but he was forced to acknowledge you here.

His arms cross and he opens his mouth to respond but you cut him off.

“You’re right, they are heroes and there is a job to be done and an evil to be done away with. But they were even younger when they earned the title. They still vanquished the darkness even for their age. You have to trust that they will do the same here.” You reach up and put your hands on his shoulders, getting onto your tip toes to look him in the eye better. “And they will. Because they are heroes. Because they have the spirit of courage. Because they are Link... Just like you.”

He softens his stance ever so slightly but he still doesn’t look pleased.

“It’s not easy I know.” You get down again. “But they look up to you. I think all of them do. And I can’t stand to see how hurt they look when you get upset when they act their age. It’s not like they can help it.”

He takes a deep breath and uncrossed his arms. He takes a minute to respond. Time stared at you intensely before he drops all the tension in his body and finally lets his weapon go. A single hand comes up to pat your head. 

“Let’s head back to camp.”

He says nothing else and continues to walk past you and back the way you came.

You don’t ignore the sense of accomplishment and refuse to dampen it when you catch the tiniest slivers of a smile before he turns away from you completely.

Wind

You’re lying peacefully on the dirt when you hear someone sit beside you with more power than would ever be needed.

You don’t open your eyes for the sake of the other person, not really thinking much of it and even forgetting that they were there until you heard the smallest of sniffles.

Now, you’re sitting straight up with wide and concerned eyes locking directly onto the crying form of your beloved pirate. 

It’s hard not to feel for him and while you’re not sure what sprung this up, you don’t have it in you to turn him away, or to ignore that he was upset.

Neither of you say anything and you’re almost afraid it make the picture in front of you a little too real.

Instead, you move yourself closer to him and open up your arms.

Wind doesn’t hesitate to throw himself onto you and let his body sag with unwanted emotion.

As sobs silently rack his body, you begin to feel yourself rock back and forth for both his comfort and yours. Soon you start running your hands through his hair and rub small circles on his back. 

He cries for a long time and never once gives you a clue why.

You don’t ask either.

Still, once the moment has passed, you continue to hold onto him. He doesn’t make any moves to let go of you any time soon and you’re happy to be there for as long as he’ll let you.

That doesn’t stifle your concern over the cause but you’re loath to bring it up.

Minutes pass with the boy in your arms and it’s only when you shift positions, does he look up at your face. His eyes aren’t as red anymore with the amount of time that’s passes since he’s stopped crying but his face is still a little puffy and his cheeks are both stained in tears and incredibly red.

A small smile creeps onto your face when you look back at him. “Feel better?”

“A little.” He admits and sniffles the last of the tears away, wiping his face with his sleeve. “Thanks.”

“For you? Anytime.”

Warrior

It struck you as odd that it was dinner time the group seemed to be missing someone.

Earlier that day the group had split up to take down some troublesome monsters on the border of some tiny town defenseless town and that was that.

It didn’t seem like big deal nor was it a particularly hard thing to do. The monsters weren’t infected and they didn’t have numbers on their side so your group took care of the pests in a matter of moments.

And yet, when everyone regrouped there was a visible tension.

Some thing had happened on the other side of the fight and no one wanted to fess up, even less so when Time mentioned it.

It worried you.

Now, as it stood the tension was still there but Warrior didn’t want to come out of the wood work.  He had left earlier claiming to need to check up on his appearance and no one had questioned him. No one offered to go with him.

It was always dangerous to go alone.

“Hey, has anyone seen Warrior?” You glance around again, hoping it was just a miscount on your part. “It’s been awhile since he left.”

“He takes his sweet time.” Legend snapped. “And you know how narcissistic he is. He’s probably trying to get every single little hair in the right place and working out every little blemish in his stupid uniform-”

“I’m going to look to him.” You stand, placing your cooling food down by your foot. You don’t know what happened or what caused it but at least an idea begins to form. “It’s been too long regardless. Keep my food warm for me, yeah?”

You don’t wait for a response and walk away into the tree line where you think Warrior might be.

“It’s getting dark. Be careful.” Someone calls from behind you, mouth clearly full of food.

“Yes sir.” You reply.

You march on.

When you’re sure you’re far enough away, you begin to call out to Warrior.

It takes a minute to get any results but you’re starting to worry about your friend. The sun is lowering in the horizon as time goes by and you’re beginning to feel silly and frustrated and-

“I’m here.” A tired voice replies.

“Oh thank goodness.” You cross the distance between you two. “I was really starting to worry.”

Warrior puts on a brave face and a small smile that doesn’t reach his eyes greets you when you stop in front of him. His look a little puffy and you think his eyes might be a little red but it easily be the lighting- or lack there of.

“Are you ok?”

“Obviously.”

You doubt him and it must have shown on your face because he immediately begins walking away. “Well look at the time. Crazy how fast the sun goes. Let’s get back to the group and eat. I’m starving-”

You grab his wrist as he pasts you and get a good look at him. “Are you ready to go back to the group? They can wait a little longer if you want them too.”

It irritated you that it’s come to this. How no one went to check on him. How no one offered to go with you. How no one seemed bothered by this. How long that he was alone dealing with something that’s been bothering him. How it took you so long to do something.  

“No. It’s fine.” He says. Lying. It must have really bothered him, usually he’s better than this. “It’s about time to head back anyway.”

“They can wait.” Your grip tightens. “The sun can wait. We’re not obligated to be there. What’s wrong? ...If you want to talk about it that is...” You trail off uselessly. It only occurred to you that near the end that he may not even speak about with you. You weren’t the closest in terms of grouping but you can’t stand the thought of someone hurting alone.

“I’m fin-”

“You look like you were crying.” You cut him off. “If you don’t want to talk about it with me, that’s fine, just say it. But you might need more time before you head back anyway if you actually want them to believe you when you say you’re fine.”

He sighs and runs his hand through his hair.

“Warrior?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“If it bothers you then it’s not nothing.”  You push. “But....fine. I won’t force you to talk to me. I just wanted to see if you were ok... You’re not but it’s better than seeing you bleeding I suppose.” You grit your teeth, annoyed by the lack of results. You did tell him that he didn’t have to talk to you and you don’t hurt him further but part of you wants to fix this. Even if you don’t know what it is, your heart calls for justice at his pain.

But he is unwilling.

“Camp is this way by the way.” You mention, looking at the ground. “You were actually farther away than I thought, so it’s a bit of a walk.”

“I just think it’s easier for people when I’m not around.”

You still and slowly turn to face him. 

He’s looking at the ground as well, unable to say it and look you in the eye. It’s not what you were expecting and you’re not sure how to follow after that.

It’s a rare moment of vulnerability for him- even rarer that he’s showing it to you and you don’t want to squander the show of trust.

“Back home...there was a lot of... attention on me. A lot of blame... for starting the war. Or at least being the cause of it.” He admits, scuffing his shoe against the dirt. A little bit kicks up and sticks to the toe. He does nothing about it. “People listened to what I had to say because I was some destined hero. At first I didn’t think anything of it because I had thought it was one big mistake and sooner or later people were going to see that I was just some soldier not worth the time of day. It happened to be pure luck that Impa got it right when she gave me this uniform. Zelda made me a captain because of it and suddenly I had all of these men I had to give orders to. And if anything failed or if we lost, it would all have fallen on me. The blame, the guilt, the responsibility of the war...and then we found out why Cia was even opening these portals to begin with-”

You hug him.

“Please don’t cry.” You say into his chest. Your throat is tight and it a little hard to breath but you power through. “I’m not good at this. I never have been.”

“I’m not going to cry. It’s not worth crying.”

“I’ll cry for you then.” You admit and hug him tighter. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. It was no ones fault.” Warrior hugs you back and rests his head on top of yours. His voice seems a little tight too and you’re sorry for all the things that he must have gone through. 

You hug him for as long as you deem appropriate before letting your arms go lack and stepping away.

Or... at least you try to.

Warrior suddenly has a grip on you and refuses to let you leave.

“Please... Just stay a little longer.”

You do.

[distinguished-slacker]

Owari no Seraph — An Analysis of Shinoa and Mitsuba’s Friendship

(Warning: A long post that nobody asked for and I had to make the panels tightly packed into one image each due to the Tumblr 10 images per post restriction so I am not taking responsibility for any brain aneurysms I might cause. I am serious, it’s really LONG.)

(Why? Because this cursed manga needs more girl power.)

(Note: Friendship)

We always speak about friendships like the ones between Yuu and Mika, and Guren and Shinya but we rarely talk about the one in the girls’ side, which is the the friendship between Shinoa and Mitsuba. It is the only female friendship we actually have in Owari no Seraph since we haven’t seen Chess and Horn ever since Nagoya arc, and we barely get to see how Mito, Sayuri and Shigure act with each other as friends when the topic of conversation is not Guren.

I agree that Shinoa and Mitsuba’s friendship is cute and funny. However, as I reread the manga I realised that their relationship is deeper than that, that each contributed into the development of the other to a degree but at the same there is a wall that keeps them from growing closer but of which none of them is aware of, and how their distance has been exacerbated by some faults that makes me believe their relationship is deteriorating.

So I decided to make a deep analysis with some theorising about their friendship throughout the manga where I make it sound more complex than the sexualised joke Kagami has made of it :D

The first time we had a glimpse of their friendship is of course when Mitsuba debuted in chapter 8 of the manga as the fifth and last member of Shinoa squad. She is first seen complaining to Guren about why was she placed in a squad full of rookies being most visibly infuriated by the fact that the “sarcastic airhead Hīragi Shinoa” was chosen as the squad leader instead of her. When Shinoa appears, she addresses Mitsuba as “Micchan” (or Mi-chan/Mitsu/whatever translation) and mocks her, angering Mitsuba more and driving her to manifest her weapon to fight Shinoa. This scene shows that they have known each other before Shinoa squad was established. The question was when? Shinoa described her life before the catastrophe occurred as “living under a rock” and how she “didn’t see or speak with anyone at all” in the afterword of volume 17, which can be further proved by the events of the Catastrophe at 16 light novels. Shinoa and Mitsuba were bound to meet because of their statuses as Hīragi and Sangū respectively but Shinoa was always kept in the shadows by her family so it’s quite unlikely that they have met as children before the catastrophe.

The only possibility for them to have met is for military reasons rather than for family reasons. In chapter 3, before Shinoa squad was formed, it was revealed that Shinoa is part of the vampire extermination unit but we don’t know for how long. Considering that Mitsuba used the argument of joining the vampire extermination unit at the age of thirteen to explain why would she make a better squad leader than Shinoa, it’s safe to assume that Shinoa joined later than Mitsuba. However, Shinoa received Shikama Dōji as a weapon in 2012 when she was 7 (6 if Kagami could do maths but whatever...) so I doubt the army would let a capable and armed person have a relaxing life for so many years when she could be used for fighting instead since there is a shortage of soldiers (unless Shinoa used her power as a Hīragi, which sometimes works in her favour, to avoid military duties). Moreover, I doubt that the army would place an unexperienced soldier straight into the extermination unit, which is the most dangerous unit in the Japanese Imperial Demon Army, regardless of their status, especially a child. So even if Mitsuba said she joined this unit when she was 13, there is a small chance that she has been a soldier before that but was tasked with easier jobs like being a wall guard and the same thing could be applied to Shinoa. In other words, it’s likely that these two girls have known each other for a good number of years before the timeline of Vampire Reign began.

The reason why I want to believe that Shinoa and Mitsuba met a considerable time ago before the start of the series is because of Shinoa’s attitude towards her. Shinoa has lived a life lacking family love and social interaction which caused her to become apathetic and unemotional up until the formation of Shinoa squad. But somehow there is this girl, who is the only one whom Shinoa gives a cute nickname, has a lot of interest on teasing her and feels comfortable enough to barge into her shower and be seen naked when that is a situation where a person is really vulnerable. I mean, considering Mitsuba’s personality, it’s understandable why Shinoa feels so free to act like that around her but still it’s emotionally detached Hīragi Shinoa we are talking about.

(From top to bottom, and left to right: chapters 8, 9, 19, 29 and 43)

One thing that bothers me is how Kagami made it look like as if Shinoa was completely empty before being influenced by Yuu’s ‘kindness’ when that is not true at all and Shinoa was able to show a caring side before that.

One example of this is in the same chapter where Mitsuba debuted, shown in the top-left panel. In this chapter Mitsuba is acting so bossy and arrogant here that to be honest anyone would find her annoying. However, Mitsuba’s constant shouting about battle formation is to ensure that everyone adheres to the rules to avoid any danger, especially considering the reckless attitude Yuu has displayed here about killing vampires as soon as he sees them. In reality, Mitsuba’s behaviour is a defence mechanism in order to hide her traumas regarding the death of her previous squad members and Shinoa knows this well. Shinoa knows Mitsuba is a kind person on the inside, going to the extent of even calling “adorable” how Mitsuba feels that their lives are her responsibility, and that’s why she tells Yuu to bear with Mitsuba because Shinoa doesn’t want him to hate her.

In the panel below the first one which occurs in the next chapter when the girls are in the showers, Shinoa comforts Mitsuba telling her it wasn’t necessarily her fault that the entire squad got annihilated (as some of the members were already killed before Mitsuba made any reckless move, Mitsuba was too young and it was the leader’s decision to sacrifice himself for her). Speaking about this, Shinoa is the only one in the squad who knows about Mitsuba’s past and it makes me wonder whether Mitsuba herself told Shinoa about this or Shinoa discovered it since as a Sangū, Mitsuba must be well known in the army so her failure might have been spread around and Shinoa happened to discover it. It depends on how much of friends they were before the beginning of the manga; whether they were friends before that or they were somewhat distant but strengthened their friendship when the squad was established. After all, it is hinted that they live together in the chapter where they tried to cook for the guys though Shinoa said it was her room (but it wasn’t specified if it was Mitsuba’s too) so maybe Mitsuba decided to come over for that event. In the anime there was a bunk bed in the room next to the living room which wasn’t shown in the manga but still it doesn’t hurt mentioning it.

This one is a very subtle panel. In the middle panel that happened in chapter 29 after Shinoa and Narumi squad finished their mission of killing Lucal Wesker in Nagoya arc, Yuu realises that people really do die in these missions and Mitsuba replies to him with a “Your friends die. That’s the reality of battle...I...I’ve seen this...” while recalling her previous squad’s members deaths. Shinoa quickly picks up on this and touches her elbow in comfort, as highlighted by the green circle pointed by the green arrow, and gives a speech that reminds Mitsuba that she is not alone anymore and has people who are still alive for her to protect. I really love this moment because Shinoa was so perceptive of the little changes happening within Mitsuba.

In the right panel, it might look like Shinoa is throwing the bothersome job to explain the squad’s situation to Mitsuba, which might be true considering how Shinoa is sometimes, but I like this panel because it shows that Shinoa lets Mitsuba have her part and act as her second in command since being squad leader is what Mitsuba initially wanted. Mitsuba seems to be happy to act as her second in command which shows their relationship is more chill than what their first scene together in the manga made it look like.

Like Shinoa cares for Mitsuba, Mitsuba cares for Shinoa too. In the bottom-left panel which is taken from chapter 19, Kimizuki is suspicious of Shinoa after Yoichi and him were interrogated and tortured by the Hīragis, going as far as thinking she was using Yuu and saying that this is nothing but a “sickness” where he is forced to “play comrades”. Mitsuba quickly defends her by stopping Kimizuki because she knows Shinoa is only making them hide Yuu’s transformation out of genuine care for a comrade. Curiously, this scene parallels to a scene in chapter 99 that occurs after Shinoa makes Shikama Dōji submit. Kimizuki starts shouting at Shinoa thinking that she has been using them all while laughing behind their backs the whole time. This time Mitsuba doesn’t intervene. There are three possibilities for this: one is that Mitsuba is simply being relegated to the sidelines due to constricted space in the current events of the manga, two, that Mitsuba cannot act because this whole situation confuses her which is understandable, and three, that Mitsuba and Shinoa are becoming more distant, which I will explain later in this post.

I tried to find more panels of Mitsuba visibly showing care for Shinoa in the beginning and middle of the manga but it was hard but this is not Mitsuba’s fault, neither Shinoa’s. To be brief, Shinoa is a tough nut to crack. With her personality it’s hard to get emotionally close to her. Add to that that Mitsuba has her emotional baggage too which makes her emotionally constipated, this sets a wall between the girls so I hope Kagami will do something with it later in the manga where it breaks. Yuu already achieved it, so why not Mitsuba who is supposedly Shinoa’s only female friend and even best friend?

(Left: chapter 26 and Right: chapter 45)

When Guren knocked Mitsuba out during the squad mock battle and when Mitsuba was attacked by Crowley, Shinoa always jumped to protect her regardless of the risk. Have a look at Shinoa’s pained face when Mitsuba told them to leave her behind or Shinoa’s determined face when she told Makoto to follow Kimizuki and Yoīchi in order to rescue Mitsuba. That raw emotion. Seriously, is it me or ironically in the beginning of the manga Shinoa showed far more emotion despite being claimed to be initially cold?

(Top left: chapter 19, bottom left: chapter 26 and right: chapter 24)

Does someone else miss when these two girls used to team up to annoy the boys? These scenes might seem for pure comedic purposes but they are actually deeper than what they look like. When Mitsuba debuted, she was not only strict with others but with herself too. Due to her past failure and family expectations, she was forcing herself to grow up quicker, to be the perfect soldier and follow the rules even if that put herself under pressure. However, as she got more involved with the squad she became more free and Shinoa’s personality started started to rub off on her. There are two scenes where Shinoa starts with her pranks and Mitsuba follows with them. It’s vastly thanks to Shinoa that Mitsuba started to act like the teenager she is and that’s really wholesome. I mean, just look at how happy Mitsu is at the bottom left panel or her smirk, something unusual for her, in the bottom right panel when they abandon Kimizuki on the side of the highway (lmao poor Kimizuki). This duo have a great dynamic!

Interestingly, as the series progresses, you can see how both Mitsuba and Shinoa’s characters start acquiring qualities from the other. The always so stiff and temperamental Mitsuba becomes more laid-back and honest while Shinoa goes through the process of discovering more emotions within herself and expressing actual interest on other things. But the problem is that while Mitsuba’s change was influenced by the squad, Shinoa’s was primarily by influenced by Yuu.

(Top left: chapter 8, bottom left and middle right: chapter 48, top right: chapter 17 and bottom right: chapter 43)

It is known that Shinoa loves to tease Mitsuba. In fact, her favourite person to tease is Mitsu because in the fanbook Shinoa said that someone who gets bullied easily is “1. Micchan 2.Micchan 3.Micchan” and even Mitsuba said that she hears Shinoa talk about her a lot.

The first thing Shinoa does when they reunite in chapter 8 is tease her. In chapter 48 when they are talking in the girls’ toilet you can see Shinoa looking at Mitsuba with soft and sweet expressions. Shinoa is really comfortable around her and Mitsuba’s personality allows Shinoa to be herself. Shinoa even said “I really like you when you always react to me like this.” with a gentle laugh which is something rare for her to say.

However, there are times where I personally feel that Shinoa should set some limits to herself regarding how much she teases Mitsuba and with what topics she uses to tease her like when she joked about Mitsuba not being a virgin in chapter 43 because the combined blood of the squad that Mika drank was gross. Although I find hilarious how Mitsuba reacted with a “I am SO going to kill you someday!!” but limits are limits, especially if it’s in front of everyone.

Another panel that was used for comedic purposes that I find somewhat off is the one in chapter 17 showed at the top right corner. Before this panel, Mitsuba says with a serious face that she hopes “things go okay for Yuu” in the interview with the Hīragi family and Shinoa starts teasing Mitsuba saying that she is in love with Yuu. Shinoa teases her but her gaze is at the building not at Mitsuba, her focus is on Yuu, and so it feels as if she teased Mitsuba to cover something else. And what is that something else? Easy. This scene happens not longer after Shinoa confronts Guren in his office about him drugging Yuu where Guren asks Shinoa if she fell in love with him. Ever since this moment Shinoa started to doubt about her feelings and I feel that she teased Mitsuba about her being in love with Yuu to cover her own feelings and that is not a nice thing to do to a friend.

Shinoa annoyed her many times throughout, Mitsuba never really got seriously angry at her aside from an occasional initial outburst. Mitsuba shows great patience with Shinoa, unless there is something we don’t know since we have never gotten an inner monologue of Mitsuba but I will talk about this later.

(Chapter 17)

In the same chapter but some panels before, Shinoa makes fun of Mitsuba addressing her incompetence paralleling to how she made fun of her when they met in chapter 8. Mitsuba just got out of an interview with the Hīragis where she has been promoted, and Shinoa mocks her about how easily she can climb up the ranks just because she is a Sangū and not because of her abilities. On one hand, considering Mitsuba’s severe low self-esteem Shinoa shouldn’t be joking with this a lot but on the other hand, it’s because Shinoa is like this that Mitsuba is comfortable with her. Mitsuba doesn’t like it when everyone talks bad behind her back while praising her on the front, so Shinoa, who is the only one who is honest with her, makes Mitsuba feel at ease (let’s not count Yuu here because that guy is clueless about the weight that the hierarchy holds within the JIDA).

In the middle panel we can see how Shinoa talks about herself to Mitsuba and the same thing can be said with the toilet scene in chapter 48. Mitsuba is the only one out of the squad who knows about Shinoa’s life within the Hīragi family and some story with her older sister Mahiru (I know this is because those higher ranking family members have access to that information but nevertheless this gives Mitsuba an advantage when it comes to bonding with Shinoa). However, Shinoa is here just stating facts but doesn’t open emotionally to Mitsuba so that wall between them persists. Considering that they might have been friends for years, it’s mostly Shinoa’s closed heart the main reason that made their friendship stagnant. But of course, this is not Shinoa’s fault since she is a product of her terrible childhood.

When you look deeper into it, they don’t have the emotional bond and trust they should have with each other.

In the right panel, that’s where the real problem in their friendship starts. Please zoom and have a look at the section surrounded by the vertical amber rectangle. Have a look at Mitsuba’s expression. She is angry and not for comedic purposes. Shinoa has just asked Mitsuba how much information about Yuu she “bribed” the Hīragis with in exchange for her promotion. It doesn’t even look like Shinoa is joking here. She actually thought that Mitsuba, her closest friend, would fall so low as to sell a comrade for a promotion that she didn’t even want in the first place. Look at the region surrounded by the horizontal amber rectangle and you can see that despite Mitsuba already told Shinoa she did not say a thing, Shinoa keeps asking her if she said anything about Yuu going berserk in the battlefield as if she doesn’t fully trust Mitsuba. To be honest, Shinoa crossed the line here and I wouldn’t have noticed it if I hadn’t read the beginning of the manga since in the anime they made it different.

This is the beginning of the popular scenario where a friendship is tested when a guy comes in between.

(From top to bottom: chapters 57, 70 and 75)

In chapter 57, Guren reveals to everyone a shocking fact; Shinoa was born with a demon inside her because of a crazy experiment. Mitsuba is the one who looks the most visibly shocked and when she asks Shinoa what does he mean by that Shinoa instead looks away to where Yuu is even though he didn’t ask her anything unlike Mitsuba. To me, this where Mitsuba and Shinoa’s friendship officially entered the amber region.

Then, in chapter 70, Aoi starts choking Mitsuba, asking her why she is not dead and branding her as traitor. Shinoa didn’t try to stop it but it’s understandable since going against Aoi could be punished, especially because they are in JIDA territory, and that Yuu was already doing the job of defending Mitsuba. What I found curious about this is that the whole time Aoi was talking bad about Mitsuba being a traitor we get scenes with Yuu, and even a glimpse of Kimizuki and Yoichi as highlighted by the blue square but not of Shinoa. Shinoa is only shown just after Yuu says “I’m Mitsuba’s family” as if this choice in the structuring of these panels is implying that Yuu saying something nice to another girl gets more reaction from Shinoa than when said girl, who is a friend of Shinoa too, is in a problem. What hurts me the most is that even if there was no need for Shinoa to intervene, we don’t get any shocked or sad expression of her while Aoi puts her hands on Mitsuba’s neck or starts insulting her.

Shinoa’s priorities changed and this is further seen when she is turning into a vampire in chapter 75 and everyone is around the wheeled stretcher where Shinoa is lying on but she looks only at Yuu. I could say that maybe she looked at Yuu instead of anyone else because he was closer to Shinoa’s face but then when Shinoa is taken to the doctors and scientists the last thing she thinks of is “Yuuichi...ro” and only Yuuichiro.

(Chapter 86)

I guess we are going into the orange area now...While Shinoa changes, Mitsuba stays relatively the same. The panel where Mitsuba runs to Shinoa and hugs her in tears is the greatest proof of how much Mitsuba cares for Shinoa, which is impacting for the readers since we haven’t got much of their friendship for a long time up until that point. Now, if we compare Shinoa’s facial expressions in this chapter with the ones I have previously shown in chapters like 45 (when Crowley attacked Mitsuba) and 48 (when they talked in the toilet), you can see the difference. Before, Shinoa’s face was full of genuine happiness, care and worry but now she is poker faced. She completely disregards Mitsuba’s concern for her and crying. She doesn’t show a shocked face, doesn’t hug Mitsuba back or doesn’t even tell her “Sorry for making you worry, Micchan” or something like that. She turns the situation into a boob joke and Mitsuba simply replies back. Then, we get an emotional panel again of Mitsuba asking Shinoa if she is really herself again (and if you zoom to where the green arrow as pointing at you can see Mitsuba’s red eyes from crying a lot) but then Shinoa continues with the boob joke like nothing. Sure, I understand that Shinoa has fallen in love and her priorities are somewhere else, but could she at least show more concern for Mitsuba?

Now some people might tell me that I am making a huge deal out of it, that’s it normal Shinoa is not comforting her or acting accordingly to the situation because Shinoa is emotionally stagnant and dense but this is actually not true at all. Please have a look at this image below:

(Chapters 85 and 90)

The first and only person Shinoa thinks about after being freed from her possession in chapter 85 is “Yuuichiro” (or Yuu-san if the translators did it properly). She doesn’t think about the rest of her squad even though she is supposed to be the squad leader.

Then here is where we can make the comparison. In chapter 86, Mitsuba was crying because she was scared since Shinoa was ‘dying’ by turning into a vampire, Yuu got kidnapped, and Kimizuki, Yoichi and Makoto left her without telling her a thing when the war broke out. Mitsuba informs her of this. Four chapters later, in chapter 90, which probably happened like half an hour or an hour in the OnS universe after Mitsuba cried, when Yoichi says Yuu was crying Shinoa gets worked up saying “I have to rescue him”. Shinoa hasn’t even seen with her own eyes that Yuu was crying yet she is prepared to go and help him when she didn’t do it for the girl who was crying right in front of her just some minutes ago. This shows clear favouritism towards Yuu. Of course, there is nothing wrong with having the person you like as your first priority. It’s almost the natural thing to occur, especially considering that this is the first time Shinoa feels like this. However, it’s because of things like this that the possibility of Shinoa eventually losing the closest friend she has exists.

(Also if someone wants to object to that part saying that Shinoa didn’t comfort Yuu in the end I will just say that it’s not weird considering Yuu was acting all happy go lucky and on the outside he didn’t look like needed comfort even if he really did.)

Also, many people noticed the use of “I” instead of “We” in “I have to rescue him” and “Yuuichiro... Hang in there. I’m on my way.” even though she is with the whole squad and I especially find it more surprising considering that when she said this last phrase, Mitsuba was next to her (or behind her from our perspective) showing that Shinoa doesn’t think of Mitsuba as much as she used to in the past. This mirrors what Mahiru told Shinoa in chapter 56, even though Shinoa couldn’t hear her, about how “sexual desire and lust” (I am going to put “crush” here instead because this might be too far someone like Shinoa) “corrupts you” “to the point where you don’t care about the world and its future anymore” and this already started with Shinoa’s care for the squad decreasing at the expense of her care for Yuu increasing.

Additionally, if you are a fan of this manga art style you might have took an interest on its illustrations and might have noticed that ever since Osaka arc there have not been many illustrations of them together anymore. At most it’s just Shinoa alone. Whether it implies their distance or Yamamoto simply does not have the time of making complex illustrations again, I don’t know.

(Chapters 54 and 96, and volume 17 afterword ending on chapter 69)

Boob jokes. The worst part. Boob jokes. The first time I guess it was okay but it just keeps repeating and it’s not only in the manga. I even looked at the anime fanbook, and watched the CD Dramas and some clips of the game Owari no Seraph: Unmei no Hajimari (which all take place at the time before the squad defected the army) and I realised that there are more times where Shinoa makes a comment about Mitsuba’s chest. Some people say that this significant number of times Shinoa starts a boob conversation may indicate that rather than being jealous, she is obsessed and actually attracted to Mitsuba. But ships aside (I want to keep this post as ship-free as possible), it’s not nice that every time these two have an interaction, which is rare lately and so special because of its rarity, the topic is boobs. It’s not even funny and it degrades their relationship. Why Kagami cannot treat their relationship like the boys’s and give them scenes where they talk about their emotions rather than body parts? After all, the friendship between Shinoa and Mitsuba is not that different to Yuu and Mika’s or Guren and Shinya’s for reasons like sharing a past together. The major difference I can only find between them is their biological sexes and this is not an excuse for this bias.

But since I am the type of person who likes to looks deeper into every joke I am going to do it for these ones. The only thing that I find refreshing about these jokes is that at the beginning every time Shinoa made a comment about Mitsuba’s body, Mitsu was always embarrassed, exhausted and denying any claims. But because Shinoa started this topic of conversation so many times Mitsuba has gathered the experience and skill points to retort her insults😂 Shinoa has awakened Bad Girl Mitsu, and Dethroned Sass Queen is now on the losing end loool just joking.

It might seem that everything that I mentioned in this post until now it’s a lot for Shinoa and Mitsuba but remember that for them, ever since they arrived to the JIDA and all this mess started around chapter 70 they have been in the same day in the OnS universe (even if for us it has been years) and only two days passed at most ever since Shikama Dōji started influencing Shinoa’s views on Yuu in chapter 66 (although Shikama Dōji probably talked to her about him offscreen a lot of times before this chapter). It has been only one bad day, it’s okay, there is no need to panic, Mitsuba and Shinoa are still super best friends and will be...or that is what I would like to say because one, if in just one day Shinoa’s feelings became this crazy imagine how she would be after a longer time if no one stops her? And two, Mitsuba is starting to notice Shinoa’s feelings for Yuu:

(From left to right: chapters 10, 19 and 99)

As I mentioned in a previous post, the number of times Mitsuba is realising that Shinoa feels something for Yuu from afar in the manga is around 3 or 4 (I am not including the fourth since I am not really sure about it), with the most recent being the most eye catching. Now, you might tell me that Mitsuba is just jealous which I would agree since the first panel gives that impression by going with the typical cliché where the second girl is jealous of the first girl. But then if you look at the whole three panels there is nothing that exactly shows a jealous expression on Mitsuba’s face but rather she is just concerned or surprised. It’s hard to decipher her emotions here but if you look closely at the middle and right panel you might notice something in common: Shinoa is placing her hand on top of Yuu’s. So it’s more likely that Mitsuba is looking at this specifically rather than at the whole picture of Yuu and Shinoa together considering that these latter two have gotten scenes together many times but Mitsuba never looked at them and acted normal. Kagami is the type of subverting our expectations like when Yuu was supposed to be the main protagonist but sometimes he seems to be a cover and the real protagonist of the story is Guren (this is just my impression). For this case, Shinoa has been called a “dispassionate observer” by Shikama Dōji in chapter 72 but sometimes I feel that the observer is Mitsuba.

This could explain why we have never gotten a glimpse of Mitsuba’s heart and demon even though she is a main female deuteragonist and the only one unaddressed in Shinoa squad. It might seem that she is patient and a stagnant character, but all these subtle moments might be building up to a potential Mitsuba mini arc that will be about her relationship with Shinoa? After all, what Mitsuba cares about the most is her squad, so bonds is a likely theme. Moreover, in the fanbook Mitsuba’s favourite person was stated to be Shinoa (while for everyone else it was ‘Yuu’). It’s possible that she will confront Shinoa about this because Shinoa never tells her anything about herself so Mitsuba has to do all the guessing and Shinoa has grown distant from her. No way Mitsuba is fine with that. Looking at this, it’s normal we haven’t gotten much of them because looking at the current events of the manga, now is not the time to sit down (it’s not like they either have the time) and do something that might sever bonds anymore. This is why I came to the conclusion that if it’s not just bad writing, then Kagami deteriorating their friendship is something intentional.

Now, how will Shinoa and Mitsuba’s friendship proceed from here will rely mainly on two factors. One is whether what Shinoa feels for Yuu is genuine or a result of Shikama Dōji and Mahiru brainwashing her, and two, whether Mitsuba feels something for Yuu too or not. For one, I am not going to jump to conclusions regarding Shinoa’s feelings for Yuu and I will just say that regardless of whichever route Kagami chooses, Shinoa still has to cherish her friendship with Mitsuba. For two, it’s ambiguous as I can say as many arguments for Mitsuba having a crush on Yuu as arguments against. So let’s wait and see. However, I want to say that making Mitsuba crush on Yuu would be unwise considering that it’s already hard enough with Mika and Shinoa, so adding Mitsuba would mean pointlessly adding more fuel to the fire, especially considering Yuu’s personality and that he might not end up with anyone by the end of the series.

However, if somehow Kagami decides to take the route where one, Shinoa’s love for Yuu moves forwards and two, it happens at the expense of her friendship with Mitsuba and others, I will start calling Kagami a hypocrite. This is because we are talking about the guy who said that the focus of OnS is not romance, but family and bonds. Therefore, I would be disgusted at his bias of exploring only the theme of family and bonds within male friendships at the expense of destroying female friendships just for romance.

I theorise that this confrontation (not a cat fight) will happen around when Shinoa will entirely lose the strength to keep restraining Sika and become possessed again (unless Yuu is here to save the day of course). For this to happen we will need a scene with Mitsuba talking with Tenjiryū in which we can finally see how she feels in order to set everything up before this moment, and another scene that will be a flashback of Shinoa and Mitsuba meeting for the first time when younger so we can actually understand the magnitude of their friendship.

And how this confrontation will happen? To be honest I don’t think that there is any person capable of putting up a fight against a Shikama Dōji possessed Shinoa (unless the main character’s plot armor is used here again) so Mitsuba confronting Shinoa will be at an emotional level where Mitsuba might voice her preoccupations and will tell Shinoa to trust her more instead of keeping things to herself because they are friends. This will be a perfect opportunity for the wall that Shinoa put between them to break and for Mitsuba to be finally given the chance of paying back everything that Shinoa did for her.

The reason why Shinoa needs to be stopped is easy. If she keeps going like this, at this rate she will take the same path as Mahiru where she moves everyone out of the way in order to obsess over one thing, being alone with no one to give advice to her or stop her when she will be making dangerous decisions. All this emotional outburst Shinoa has shown recently is not healthy because she is being rushed instead of being allowed to do things at her pace. She needs to calm down, and realise that where she should be emotionally expressive is with her friends as a whole group.

If you managed to read the whole post, I am sorry aghjskwkashs but it’s just that I wanted people to give attention to this underrated friendship😭💔 It’s so underrated so that’s why I wrote such a long post because I wanted to include every single detail (I hope I didn’t miss anything🤔) and searched for as many images as I can for evidence (sorry for making it so compact that the images might look blurry due to Tumblr restrictions🤧).

P.S. When I will be a granny (considering the fuckin slow pace of this damn manga) I wish to go back to this post and assess whether I was an amazing analyst or an idiot for trusting Kagami😂

[noobsomeexagerjunk]

Always Shine and Redefine Our Humanity

How Eret Contributes to the Dream SMP's Narrative Themes of Change and Self-Discovery

I can’t believe listening to a song from a fairly obscure but growing musical (where I took this post’s title from) would prompt me to inspect Eret’s character more but here we are. I will heavily use @theeretblr's (whom you should subscribe to, btw) Character Explanation thread as a basis, as well as statements about their character from their most recent streams and things that I have gathered from other essays by people who clearly have been watching from the start.

This will include sentiments and theories I want for the character because I kinda got attached to them as of late. Please keep in mind that I have been watching since around Late November-Early December, so my biases would be appropriate to such a viewer.

This essay is a discussion of the roleplay character.

1. Eret is Self-Preserving & Versatile in Skill (and this is why they're powerful)

"Those who are given Power hold on to it."

Something I’ve observed concerning Eret’s Betrayal of L’Manburg was their motivations for doing so. For a time they have believed that power and security mattered. For a time their interests went first. CC!Eret referred to the choice as "an offer no one would refuse" as well. This wasn't just luxury and (they didn't know it at the time, but false) power, it was the protection they would be allowed to have by the admin of the server. It was being allowed to do whatever they wanted, despite the means to it being dishonorable and interestingly enough, demanding of permission.

Eret was willing to do anything to remain secure and equipped, and I argue that they still do until now. The difference is that now, they are more concerned about how they maintain their security in that they wouldn't hurt other people or be extremely unethical in the pursuit of this security.

Also, they're privy to grinding when it's necessary, they know how to build structure and contraption, and they can hold their own fairly well. They're very well-spoken and can deliver on appearances and ambiance, excellent at both comforting and intimidating whomever they choose. They had to have been this skilled for a while.

2. Eret has a Forgotten History (of bringing down powerful groups of people, apparently)

"Those who don't know History are doomed to repeat it."

So remember that interaction with Foolish? I want to bring this up because I feel that having particularly close ties with a God of Undying/Death has implications.

Foolish also brings up "taking care of [a] Wither cult"—an organized group! Wasn't Eret known for taking down an organized group on the server? L'Manburg, at its founding. He was part of the rebellion against Manburg. He was against the Eggpire. Yep, that's a pattern.

What does this mean? Well:

Eret's hands were never clean from the start, clearly before the Final Control room, and it can be inferred that they're redder than they seem

Eret's tendencies towards self-preservation may have been influenced/learned from Foolish

Eret may have had (if they still don't do) an inclination to pursue power through the dismantling of organized groups that also seek/already have established power

Eret's current skills are the way they are due to his past

And we cannot forget the CC confirmation that c!Eret has relations with Herobrine, the infamous Minecraft urban legend known for the horror he brings and how many lovers of Minecraft frame him as this terrifying powerhouse entity beyond human comprehension. This relation is still a mystery, but from what we know, it can tell us a lot about what Eret has forgotten about himself and what Eret is capable of!

3. Eret is Concerned by What People (though only those that matter to him) Think of Her

"I think Respect is a big thing."

In light of her power, we have to remember that Eret regretted pursuing power upon recognizing the loss of respect and friendship that came with the throne. This becomes a much stronger detriment when she realizes that the power she thought she had never actually existed in the first place—one can say she would dread pursuing power for herself again. To subject oneself to the standards of others after all is to subject yourself under constant scrutiny.

In her regrets, she learns and realizes what she wants—to be loved and cared for, to be truly alive with her loved ones. It's why she decides to improve herself, and she works and makes the effort to try! She struggled (and still does) in the process of pursuing forgiveness, illustrating that her determination towards an end is very strong, gradual as it may be.

It's how she looks up to Wilbur! Still! I reckon the two believe they're responsible for the other. Change! What an incredible thing the two are able to do.

4. Eret Knows What He Wants (but is struggling to figure out how to get it)

"That was a long time ago. I've changed things and I know not to break people's trust anymore."

One of Eret’s biggest concerns right now in Season 3 is his relationship with the Crown, mixed and fickle it seems based on his streams during this time. His kingship carries more and more weight each passing day, debating whether forgoing the effort and spilled blood Eret had to get the Crown is worth it. (I mean, he accepted the restoration of his Kingship when George got dethroned.)

The Kingship is still power, and it's become true power after Dream had been put in prison. We know he's admitted being deathly afraid of Dream, so this period of genuine Kingship would be incredibly special to him. Ever since he's been finding ways to make his kingship genuinely meaningful, redefining the evils the Crown used to have by doing good to whomever sincerely, freely, and willingly. He's attempted allyhood with like-minded individuals based on his judgment of their character. Remember his Knights? These consisted of HBomb, Puffy, and Punz, each of which exhibited behaviors (predilection for community, dedication to duty, moral neutrality) he has as well!

But yet, the blood spilled for that Crown still stains him, and it cannot be denied that it will continue to do so for as long as Eret wears the crown. I wonder if he believes this, whether a part of him does deep down. Dream being in jail doesn't just mean freedom to be a king but freedom to quite literally be yourself, whatever it may be.

5. For these reasons, Eret Represents Constant Self-Actualization and Rediscovery

"I'm a strong, independent...whatever the fuck I am."

Given the points established above, Eret is unfamiliar with her full self and wants to shape herself into someone desirable and genuinely contributing kindness to a clearly broken world, a world whose brokenness she also happened to contribute to.

Her enthusiasm for History and the pursuit of enlightenment speaks volumes to this motivation. It's her repeated, dedicated efforts to try and try and try and try, to be better! Not just to be a better person herself but for everyone else to be able to be better too! She's aware that perfection is impossible, but clearly recognizes that constant reevaluation of the self is nonetheless necessary.

It's how she's open to engaging with as many people as possible despite differing opinions and carried baggage. She researches and explores and examines! She does no harm but takes no shit.

Every facet of her, to the terror her eyes have been known to give, to the air of affirmation radiating in her domain of a Pride castle, to the blood that decorates her fingers, to the people she has given support to, to the people she has disadvantaged, to the History she keeps, to the part of herself she no longer remembers, to the power she carries—Eret knows how to be truly alive.

[wordynerdygurl]

Skin Deep - Part 6

Author’s Note:  Honestly, this story is nearing it’s ending.  Hard to believe that a little idea I couldn’t shake has now grown into this mini-series!  For all my die-hard homies, waiting for the next installment, I hope this is worth your while!  If you’re new here, take a look around, see if you like anything and please, let the management know if you have any questions!! As always, writing like this requires the emotional support of people and pets.  My dogs, Murphy and Winston, get me through a lot of plot bunnies just by being stalwart companions.  My husband, graciously, lets me take these flights of fancy when I probably should be paying better attention to him and his day... and some of my besties here on Tumblr make it possible for me to do this for you guys.  @sammy-jo1977​ , my sister from another mister!  Couldn’t/ Wouldn’t do it without you! To all the folks who follow me... My Minxes!  Love you all!  Stay well, be kind, and remember that Love, really does conquer all!  If you want to be a Minx, send me a note, I’ll happily add you to my tag list! Lastly, be sure to like and share anything that you see on Tumblr that catches your eye.  Creative types, we need the constant validation, you see?  Without it, like an unwatered plant, we wither on the vine and perish!  Be kind to those who help you through the day and reblog! Skin Deep Part 5 - click here for the previous chapter! Pairing:  Loki x Reader, Steve, Valkyrie & Thor all make appearances Summary:  Continued from Part 5, You and Loki put your plan into action, returning to Farmhouse.  When you encounter Steve again, you learn there’s more than two sides to this story. Warnings:  Loki’s POV and perspective, including mentions of his time under Thanos.  I’m re-writing MCU history here, but some of the main beats are the same, so look out for SPOILERS for Dark World, Ragnarok, and a touch of Infinity War.  The SNAP never happened because, reasons.  

Empathy used to seem such a human emotion.  Loki had no time for that on Asgard, not when Odin denied anything as frivolous as feeling.  Hiding in plain sight was the means to survival and if that made the young prince sneaky and sly, so be it.  By placing those parts of himself under lock and key; the parts that hurt, the ones that ached, Loki found it was safer to disconnect from others than subject himself to their suffering too.

Operating under the influence of Thanos and his minions when he held the scepter, Loki had purposefully divorced connection of any kind from his mind.  It was dangerous.  Weak.  And moreover, it allowed Loki to do what Thanos commanded without really experiencing the horror, the havoc, of his actions for himself. 

  Who could hear the screams of women when the voice of Ebony Maw subliminally chanted all the ways that one could be dismembered at Thanos’ hands should Loki fail?  What man would shed a tear after the near constant beatings doled out by Black Order members, just for the fun of it?  How could someone care about a house, a car, a city, when they no longer cared about themself? Losing the Battle for New York had consequences far beyond the destruction of property.  With Thanos’ hold over him vanquished, the walls around his heart, constructed in youth, crashed and burned like the dream of ruling Earth.  Suddenly and completely out of reserves, Loki was powerless.  And he felt everything.  The fresh hurts caused by his manipulated ambitions in the hands of Thanos. The furious feelings of his brother, the inadequacies of his character, the feeble needs that drove his wild ambition washed over him unceasingly.  Anger.  Loss.  Lunacy.  Loki learned a hard truth in that moment.  He was a monster.  A freak.  A creature beyond hope and salvation; proving his adoptive father right and his own hopeful heart wrong.  Bitterness soured the fallen prince. Endless hours in isolation on Earth, which continued in his father's house, had Loki believing he had no chance of seeing the world outside again, and it hardened his heart further.  To feel was so painful, so raw, and so humane.  Why bother anyway?  All that emoting, those high spirits, all they really did was expose you to derision.  What was grief to a goblin?  What was horror to a monster?  What was love to a villain like him?  An evil, conspiring demi-god, with a mind bent toward domination.  A damaged, destroyed, deity alone and in pieces.  Who would ever give someone like Loki Odinson a chance?  Why should they?

Turning to his mother, Loki did everything but ask for forgiveness.  In long rambling talks, her projection to his jailed person, the pair talked around ideas of guilt and innocence, of fate and fortune, of destiny versus desire, yet Loki never heard the words he needed in order to truly find peace.   

If Frigga was aware of her son’s need for absolution, Loki would never know, as their last exchange was harsh and full of anger.  Another stroke of loss, crippling now, because there was nothing Loki could do to change any of it from inside his prison cell.  No illusion could conceal the painful ache that consumed him entirely. 

Those days were dark, even for a soul as dusky hued as his own, and Loki’s thoughts followed a similar path.  If there had been a way for him to shake off this immortal coil, free himself of the burden of living, Loki would have done so and been glad.  Death was welcome compared to all this longing and heartache. But life, even a nearly immortal one, was funny. 

When Thor provided a chance at redemption, Loki snatched at it, in his own detached way.  He played hero, rescuing Jane, aiding his brother.  And if he took a bit more in the form of deposing his arrogant, aging father, who would be surprised?  He was Loki, God of Mischief, after all. Ruling the Nine Realms without the oppressive oversight of his father allowed Loki to prove himself in ways he never imagined.  And Loki wasn’t just good at it.  He was great. Of course, it helped that no one knew he was Loki.  Living disguised as Odin was often unpleasant, frequently frustrating, but entirely necessary.  Being Loki was still too difficult and likely to bring unwanted attention in the form of The God of Thunder, a thing that no one truly wanted, Loki least of all. Return Thor did, along with an unknown sister and the end of Asgard.  When confronted with the insanity of Hela’s bloodlust, Loki’s only thought was of his kingdom, now without a ruler.  He had worked too hard, too long, to see the land he cared for in the hands of an enemy, even if she called herself sister.  Opening the Bi-Frost, panicked, his mind was solely on saving those he had recently held dominion over.  They were his people, after all.  But he never reached Asgard. Swallowing his fear, Loki focused all his energy on staying alive in a new and distracting environment, initially.  What Loki found on Sakaar wasn't a new home base under a flamboyant, ineffective leader that he could control, even if that was his first design.  On Sakaar Loki found his loyalty.  

The proud, deep resonance of being Asgardian, of being an Odinson, of being capable and cool under pressure.  Sure, he had to prove himself to Thor, Valkyrie, Banner and honestly, the rest of the kingdom, but actions speak louder than words.  And through his actions on Sakkar, and by extension rescuing the people of Asgard, Loki had shown everybody his true mettle. It was on the deck of a stolen ship headed for Midgard that  Loki had made a commitment of sorts.  One that was not to the people, so recently saved or for his found family.  This time, the promise Loki intended to keep was for himself.  Loki was going to change. The problem is, a task like that takes time.  Patience.  Motivation.  It was something that Loki had to work at and it was exhausting. They say that the best things come to those who wait.  Loki was learning to wait everyday.  Having earned a place at the side of his brother, he worked tirelessly to win over the heroes of his new home planet.  Was it easy?  Hardly, but Loki wasn’t willing to compromise.  Not anymore. A life like Hela’s was not in his runes.  Loki was simply going to be better.  Not perfect.  No one could be as good hearted as Captain America, nor could one be as tech savvy as Stark.  So Loki was planning on being the best Loki he could possibly be, and that’s how he found himself going to meetings at The Avengers Tower, a mostly welcome addition to the team. Meetings weren’t all that exciting and boredom was an awful temptation for a deity devoted to mayhem.  In fact, Loki spent more time doodling in his notebook than listening to whoever was droning on about whatever part of the world needed the attention of this motley crew.  That was, until Pepper Potts hired her new assistant.  That you were polite, pretty and pert wasn’t lost on the young god.  Sitting outside Mrs. Iron Man’s office, typing away with a phone tucked under your ear, moving faster than anyone he had ever seen was certainly impressive.  You were quick witted, clever and most of all, funny. Everyone else seemed to fall under your spell without much effort on your part, something that Loki found frustratingly fascinating.  Here he was, struggling to get people to say his name without having a traumatic flashback, while you simply smiled and smarted off prettily, and had everyone singing your praises.  But Norns, were you adorable. If he thought about it, and while off planet, Loki definitely had, he could remember the moment he realized that you were the woman he wanted.  You were busy, as always, fielding phone calls and flipping through screens yet every moment your flying fingers weren’t hovering over a keyboard or pushing down telephone buttons they curled around a heart shaped charm at your throat.  Clearly, it was a habit and one that you weren’t even aware of, still - it transfixed him all the same.  Watching you from his side eye, your voice never wavering, your tone always so pleasing, and your nimble digits returning again and again to the small sigil around your neck.  “Loki?” “Huh?”  Dumbfounded at your call, those deep sea eyes blinked wildly at the sound of his name on your lips. “Hi!  Yes, Pepper can see you now.  Go ahead, she’s ready!” He rose on stiff legs, adjusting his tie, about to lie to Tony Stark’s woman all for the chance to see you in passing.  Who had he become? It started out innocent like that, but soon, Loki was having to invent excuses for being in the office so frequently.  Missing files, random visits, even going so far as to buy Tony coffee just for the thrill of seeing you.  Something needed to change, and quickly, or Loki was going to blow. On another made up errand, hanging around the executive’s high rise office, Loki was doing a bad job of pretending not to see you.  His mind was on your pouty lips as you sipped lemonade through a straw and not on the stately woman seated behind the desk. 

“Loki, you’re a man of some… style.”  Pepper said it so casually that he almost didn’t hear, his head lost in thoughts that would shame any other person. “I like to think so.”

Shutting her folder with a snap, Pepper smiled, “And you’d love to help your old friend Pepper out, right?” That got his attention, and quickly.  Loki, shoving his hands in his pockets, turned to face Pepper with a widening grin, “I feel like I’m being baited.”

“Baited?  Never!  It’s just, you’re always here and I have a… project that needs the kind of help that you can provide.”  At those words you entered the office, ready for action with a notebook and pen, eager and excited. Suddenly, it was all clear to Loki, “Pepper, no.”  

The noose closed in on the handsome god as Pepper gathered paperwork without looking his way, “Come on, it’s the Stark Homecoming Gala and the two of you will do great!  I have faith in you both.  I can’t wait to see what you come up with!” “Really, Miss Potts, I simply can’t-” Stopping short, the strawberry blonde whipped around, almost nose to nose with Loki.  Shrewd and straightforward, Pepper interrupted, saying, “You’ve been dancing around my office for weeks now.  Clearly you like her and… against all the odds, she likes you too.  I’m doing you a favor and when someone does you a favor, you say “Thank You”.” “Thank you.” Nodding curtly, “You’re welcome.  Now, make yourselves comfortable, order some dinner, my treat.  And do whatever you need to make sure this is one great party!” That’s how Loki found himself sitting at a clear glass table over sweating bottles of iced tea as you discussed color themes and tablecloths.  You were shy, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear as you reviewed notes from previous gatherings both large and small.  His hands itched with wanting to do that job himself. “So, what do you think?”  It was the first time you had addressed him directly since coming through the door and for a moment Loki couldn’t answer.  You were too… not beautiful, that wasn’t the right word, although you were.  No, you were too open, too easy to read, and the earnestness you offered him was downright frightening. Sitting forward in the uncomfortable, yet fashionable, office furniture, Loki cleared his throat and again tugged his tie, “What I think is that you should let me take you dinner.” Dropping your eyes, your cheeks colored slightly as your fingers found that locket charm once more, “Loki, I… I don’t know-” Grabbing for your hand, suddenly afraid that you would take those shining eyes away, Loki lowered his voice and did something he never thought he would.  He begged.  “Please?  I find that you’re all I can think about.” It rushed out of him in a torrent, the way truth so often does, and he found himself unable to look you in the eye.  Loki was afraid to see rejection on your easy to read face, afraid that wanting you had cracked open the lock box holding his heart, afraid that you would see just how weak you made him.  Your fingers twined with his own as you replied, “You didn’t let me finish.  I don’t know what took you so long.” Sighing with relief, his face melting into a genuine smile, “Me either.” Over the next two months the pair of you worked tirelessly to plan and execute a perfect party.  You were inseparable during the day, heads buried together as you discussed linens and table settings, the quality of cocktail glasses, and debating over a band or a dj.  But at night, at night Loki talked about the things that haunted him in the dark.  And you loved him in spite of the awful things he had seen and done and said. Others took notice.  Loki was more lighthearted, more available.  He listened when people spoke and wasn’t constantly doodling during meetings.   Yes, Loki was learning how to love through your loving him.  If empathy had seemed too humane before, then sharing his life, his love with you, was the kind of immortality that earned someone a place in Valhalla.  It was the bravest thing Loki Odinson had ever done and he didn’t mind one bit.

The first time Loki tasted you was burned into his brain, as bright as a flash of lightning.  A firefly in a memory jar that he kept returning to, time and again.  Loki remembered what you were wearing.  He recalled exactly how the light shone in your eyes.  If he concentrated, he could tap out the rhythm of your racing pulse as he held you in his arms. It was the night of the gala.  Inviting everyone under the Stark Industries banner, up to and including the heroes tasked with saving the world, the event was a way to earn money for one of the many charities Tony supported.  The place was full of beautiful people wearing gorgeous clothes under perfect lights set to the hand crafted soundtrack you had created together.

But, Norns, he could still remember the way your eyes sparkled under the lowlights of that hall.  How your dress, simple but sophisticated, clung to the fullness of your bottom.  Low cut but somehow still modest, Loki couldn’t tear his gaze away from the promise of your curves, willing himself to find anything else as interesting as the idea of you.  

You were across the room hanging onto Tony’s every word, eyes bright and cheerfully glowing as you sipped champagne.  It made Loki want to do something grand, something suave, something that would demand your attention for his own.  Moving towards you, his tuxedo perfectly pressed and fitting better than it had any right to, Loki looked long and lean.  Each of his steps seemed to echo, even though the room was full of sound, and you turned your head as if you also heard.  Breaking away from the cluster of acolytes surrounding Iron Man, you bit into your lip as the crowd parted, moving closer together one step at a time.  It was one of the sexiest things Loki had ever witnessed. Lifting your glass in a toast, taking in the room of mingling millionaires, wealthy hangers on and Avengers, “Well, we did it!” “You did it, my dove, I just hung around and judged everyone.” “Oh stop.  I couldn’t have done it without you and you know it.”  Playfully you pushed against his shoulder and Loki took advantage, using your momentum to pull you to his side, your curvy figure flush against his own. Crooning into the shell of your ear, his lips brushing over that sensitive skin, “Somehow, love, I think you would have managed.”  Before you had time to think, Loki had melded his mouth with your own, stealing your breath along with your heart.  Loki’s feet moved in time with the music as he pulled into a dance, laughing in his arms, your cheeks hot and your head swimming. You laughing was, without question, Loki’s favorite sound.  Nothing in this world or any other came close to matching the joyful, childlike glee of that enchanting noise.  Loki memorized its melody, the rise and fall of your giggle.  He had craved it, being away for so long, and now he wanted… no, needed to hear it.  But you were the furthest thing from happy at the moment.   

"Darling, please.  We have to go."  Loki tapped his watch, shaking himself free from the memories of your previous life together and barely suppressing his irritation.

Tears filled your eyes as you whipped your arms around Thor’s mighty shoulders, his deep voice grumbly with emotion, "Take care of him, would you?  He's a jerk, but Loki is the only brother I have."

"Of course… always.  And Valkyrie, your highness, I can’t thank you enough for-"

"No need.  Loki, and by extension yourself, will always have a safe haven here in my palace."

Looking on, Loki and Thor embraced almost tenderly before crashing their heads together.  

"Stay safe, little brother."

"Be good, Thor."

Eyes on the sky, Val ignored the show of masculine emotion, chastising your plan, "You’re going to start a war, Loki."

Straight backed, Loki turned to the king, "Not on the grass of New Asgard.  I will take the fight to them, that is my vow to you."

As Loki offered his hand, Valkyrie shook it, with parting words, "Work on staying alive.  You have a tendency to worry your brother."

Solemnly nodding, "As the king commands.  Shall we?"  With that Loki laced his fingers with yours, leading you a few paces away from the people who loved him most, before summoning the magic that had you both transcending space and time.

This time when your feet touched down it was on the familiar turf of the orchard, surrounded by the scent of apple blossoms and the buzzing of happy bees.  Morning had broken and the world seemed full of promise, with the exception of that knot in your stomach.

"Are you ready?  Darling?"

"Oh… yes.  I mean, I still don't love this plan, but-"

"But it's going to work."  Only it was no longer the baritone voice of your long, lean Loki speaking.  In his place stood Nick Fury, leather duster and eye patch in place.

"If you say so!"  And you clutched your own throat as Natasha’s bored tones came out of your mouth.  The suit, skin tight but flexible, molded to your modified form.  All in all, you were comfortable, "The boots are a bit much."

"Ya think?  This jacket weighs a ton."  Pulling at his collar, "Why does he wear a turtleneck anyway?"

"Loki, this is so weird.  It feels so weird."

"Agreed, but then, why am I so turned on?"

Laughing, you shook your false red hair, hands resting on Natasha’s waist, "God, I've missed you."

"Same, dearest.  Now… let's get your necklace and some answers!"

---

 Convincing Bucky to head home had taken a lot of work, but sometime around 2 am Steve had finally seen his friend off.  The house was empty.  Steve felt the same way.

Turning the black velvet box in his pocket, fingers crushed against the fragile fabric, Steve struggled to feel anger.  When that didn't materialize he shot for sadness but even tears seemed beyond his ability.  

With a sigh, climbing the same stairs he had trudged up a hundred times before, Steve started going through the motions of bedtime.  Only tonight you weren’t there to tease him about the wildly inappropriate amount of toothpaste on his brush.  He didn’t have your light footsteps to follow to the bedside or your help with stacking all of your extra, yet entirely essential, pillows on the chair.

Someone must have changed the sheets, he thought.  There was no evidence of you and Loki’s adventurous afternoon anymore.  Steve made a mental note to thank Buck for that little piece of kindness in the morning.

Shucking his shirt, Steve sat on the mattress, a hand to his forehead.  He had lost.  Captain America had been bested.  Beaten.  And by Loki, no less.

Moonlight in silver slivers shone through the window panes, squares of light in the deep of night.  Steve was alone.  Utterly and totally alone.

And there was no one to blame but himself.

Sighing hard, Steve stood, pacing the floor to work off some of the unspendable anxiety he kept creating.  The room still had your energy, your vibe, as you liked to call it, and the feeling was a prickling itch Steve couldn’t quite satisfy.  Traces of you were everywhere and something about you leaving all of it, and him, behind was just too big to process. “Damn it.”  Even whispering sounded like thunder in the silence of your recently vacated room.  His hands, so big, so strong, smoothed along the fabric of your hanging clothes.  All that power had done nothing to help Steve get the thing he wanted. Sorting through the baubles and trinkets on your dresser, bottles of perfume he had purchased, necklaces and pins, each with a moment of memory it hurt him to recall.  Your watch ticked away the minutes as he stood, stoic and still, surrounded by the shadow of you.  In the orchard the birds were waking, their song filling the air, as morning broke in low golden rays.  Abandoning his plan for sleep, Steve watched as the light chased away the dark, casting rainbows on the floor.  The sun was reflecting off of your Grandmother’s necklace.  A pretty, ancient, carved cameo,  heart shaped locket.  He recalled his own mother owning one just like it, pictures of loved ones pressed inside, holding them as tight as history would allow. Fisting the filigree chain, winding it around his fingers as if it would somehow undo what he had done, Steve slipped it into his pocket before settling back onto the bed.  ----

At the back door to the home you so recently shared with Steve, Loki hung back, “I think this is where we split up.  You go find your treasure and me… I’m going to find some answers.” Nodding, Natasha’s signature red hair swinging, you squeezed the hand holding your own.  It no longer looked like Loki’s long fingered paw, but that was only a skin deep change.  You felt the undeniable essence of him in the press of his fingers against your own. “Be careful.” “That’s no fun, dove.” “Loki-”  You hated the way your voice broke as you said it, but there just seemed to be so much at stake and you had already lost him once. Sensing your unspoken concerns, Loki flashed you Nick Fury’s best smile, “I will.  I promise.”

“Ten minutes.” “Ten minutes.”  You watched the black coated back of your charmed paramour as he opened the shed door, hoping that he’d find something worth knowing in that place out of sight.  Inhaling deeply you twisted the doorknob as quietly as possible, letting yourself into what was once your kitchen, “What a mess.”  It was impossible not to notice the unwrapped leftovers and empty bottles littering the table.  An overturned trash barrel, crumpled beer cans littering the counter, things that Steve, your Steve, would never have tolerated.  All evidence that the grand evening he’d envisioned had been thwarted by Loki’s arrival and your collective escape.  

You started up the stairs, praising Natasha's footwear for its stealth, when you heard the toilet flush and the unmistakable shuffle of Steve’s feet on the carpet.  There was no place to hide on the wide stairwell.  It was time to see if Loki's plan was going to work.

Voice blurry, eyes rubbed red and raw, you couldn't deny that Steve looked like shit, “Bucky?  That you?  You back?”  Steve’s voice bounced around the brightening room as morning sunlight filtered through the soft sheers you had picked out for exactly this reason. Panicked, you backed into the railing with an over loud “Oof!” “Nat?  What are you doing here?  I thought you and Fury were headed to New Asgard?”  Suddenly wide awake and wondering, Steve rushed to your costumed side, eager for information. The man in front of you now bore little resemblance to the angry Avenger you had escaped from hours before.  This man had hair sticking up in odd angles from near constant finger raking.  This man had a hint of a stuffy nose and red rimmed eyes, all indicators that tears had been shed.  Now those blue eyes were scrutinizing you closely, full of concern.

“Uh… We... We got intel.  Yea, intelligence, that Loki was headed back this way.  Turned around… and uh, here we are.” One of those sandy blonde eyebrows lifted, “Natasha?”

Squaring your shoulders, channeling that cool confidence you’d see Black Widow display over and over, “Steve?”  Something about your tone of voice convinced him in a way your words couldn’t.  He visibly relaxed, those broad shoulders going slack as he asked, “Didn’t make it to Norway, then?"

Nodding a negative, you felt the unfamiliar brush of her red hair at your cheek and had to fight the urge to tuck it away, “No.  Loki’s using some sort of transporting power to move them around.  Fury suggested I keep an eye out here, in case they come back this way.” “She won’t be back, Nat.  There’s nothing for her here.”  To you, Steve sounded so sad, so removed, that you had to will yourself not to comfort the giant before you.  “That’s not true!”  It came out of you forcefully, thoughtlessly, and you saw the shock register on the Captain’s face. “That is, Fury and I… we… have reason to believe that she will come back.  They left with nothing, Steve.  She’ll need clothes… maybe some shoes… and-”  Swallowing hard, you didn’t want to give anything away, “-a necklace from her grandmother.” Steve, patting his pocket, felt the weighted chain and it’s heart shaped locket, “I don’t think-” Stepping up to his bulky form, suddenly aggressive, you started, “Never mind what you think, Captain.  We're here for a necklace...  the necklace.  Our intel suggests that your former flame might return for it and… And, I want it, with me, as a means to subdue her when she arrives." Sounding forceful and official was enough to back Steve down.  Just a touch deflated, you watched him shrug, “If that’s what you want, Nat, here-”  From his pants he pulled out the shining bauble, a trinket really, but full of sentiment and memory. Sitting in his palm, the tiny heart that held the picture of your grandmother and mother looked so small, almost unreal.  Reaching for it with wet eyes, you smiled at Steve as you lifted the charm and chain, “Thank you, Steve.  Thank you.” Nodding deeply, that golden head bobbing, “You’re welcome.”  The large grandfather clock could be heard ticking throughout the house.  The sun was gaining on the day and you, dressed as Natasha stood in silence in front of a somber Steve.  For another long beat nothing was said, then, as if sensing a shift in your conversation, Steve flashed your fake Natasha a weak smile, “I could use some breakfast.  How about you?”

“Um… sure.  Yea, ok.  Breakfast.” 

Steve started moving again, downstairs towards the cluttered kitchen when he paused, "So how did you get back so fast?  Cause that's like a 7 hour flight, even with you in the cockpit." “Steve…”  You could hear it, the whining almost pleading tone that signaled the end of Loki’s well planned charade.  That wasn’t enough to stop Steve.  He broke hard, one of those strong arms stopping you in your tracks before you could reach the lower level. “It’s clever, I have to give you guys that.  Almost perfect, really.” Panic rising, you doubled down on the ruse, struggling to keep your voice even, “I don’t know-”  Blocking you in, his body the perfect unmovable buffer, “Loki’s here too, isn’t he?” Pushing against “Steve, I… I don’t…” “Don’t lie.  You don’t have to…” “But… how-?” “You’re not mean enough to play Natasha, doll.  Not by a long shot.”

--- It was strange to be seated at the table and chairs that you and Steve had picked out together one sunny Saturday when you thought that your future was going to be Loki-less.  Your place, the one that you had imagined filling with children that had golden hair and bright blue eyes, felt like a set.  Something false and fake.  A facade, put together simply for show. Steve must have felt it too because his fingers drummed against the white washed table incessantly.  Clearly he had something on his mind.  “Steve-” “No.  No.  Please, let me just get this out, ok?” Raising an eyebrow, you waved at him to continue, nervous but interested in what the super soldier needed to explain. With a shaky inhale, running his constantly moving fingers through his golden locks, Steve caught your eye and didn’t waiver.  “When I saw you… No, that’s not right.  Let me start at the beginning. “When Loki left Earth, you… you were so sad.  It hurt me to see you so… deflated.” “Steve, I-” “You know it’s true.  When he returned to Asgard, something in you, it dimmed, and I just couldn’t allow that… Not when I felt the way I did about you. “I don’t think you realize just how incredible you are… how full of life!  And since I had already missed one chance to be with you, I knew I needed to prove that I could be the man you needed… If you forgot about Loki along the way, even better. “Only… you never did.  I waited years for you, ya know, doll?  Years.  And just when I thought there was no chance with you, Nat gave me a reason to hope. “She was your friend.  An ally.  Someone you could trust… someone I could trust.  I swear it started out that innocently, at least for me.  I just wanted to make you smile again.  But she had other plans.  Plans that came from higher up the ladder of SHIELD. “Fury, he wanted us to watch you… something about Loki being too powerful.  And-”, grabbing your hand tightly, Steve emphasized his point, “-I promise you that I had no idea about his success, or the messages he had sent to you through Nick.  Like you, I thought that Loki was gone.  Missing.  Never coming back.” “I… I believe you Steve.  I know that you didn’t do all this on your own… but what was Nick hoping you’d find out?  I knew less than nothing about what was going on!” “I think he was worried that Loki would get to you first.  That if… when Loki returned, you would be his first stop.  Then you would know about Loki’s success and, frankly, Fury’s failures.  You would also know… well, everything you know now.  That Fury had you tailed, lied to, and led on in an effort to stop Loki from out flanking him.” Frenzied and frantic, you felt anger boiling up inside of you, “But I thought Loki was gone forever.  There was no hope for him and I… and Natasha, she told me that he was dead.” “All a part of Fury’s plan to keep you neutralized and Loki away.  If Loki thought that you’d ignored his letters, that you no longer loved him, why would he come back here?  And, if that didn’t work… when Loki came back and you were with me, what else could keep him on Earth?”

Whispering with realization, “So, they used you too.” Steve sighed and buried his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt, “Don’t feel bad for me.  I let them use my love for you, let them twist it up and shape it as they needed.  Honestly, I wish I could tell you that it was for you, but it wasn’t.  It was for me.  I wanted you, so, so badly.  I didn’t care what strings were attached.  And we built a life together, you and me.  I thought I could outrun the reality of the constant monitoring and daily reports.  Telling Natasha and Nick about every word and each email.  Don’t you see, I love you… and I wanted you, however I could get you.” Shaking your head, Natasha’s red wisps flying, “That’s not love, Steve.  I don’t know what that is… but love isn’t it.” “No?”  With a loud thunk, Steve slammed a small velvet box on the table between you. “Is… Is that what I think it is?”

“Last night.  It was going to happen last night.  Our friends here, under the lights and the stars, I was going to ask you to marry me.  I still would if-” Realization hit you like a ton of bricks, “If Loki hadn’t stepped back into our lives.” “-If Loki hadn’t stepped back into your life.” It made you both laugh in a sad way, how you finished the same thought, and for a fleeting second you could see why you had allowed Captain America to sweep you off your feet.  He was a lot of things to you now, but there was a time when he had been almost everything.  The evidence of that was in the small black square that said nothing but spoke volumes. “Steve, I don’t know if I would have said yes… even without Loki’s… arrival.  I think I have always known that you and I… we are very different people.” Sitting back in his chair, his gaze still locked on your own, “I just want you to know that I’m sorry.  I’m sorry about what I’ve done… what I’ve said… How, shit, how I’ve behaved.  I could say that it was my duty.  I could tell you it was out of love, but the plain truth is that I have always been jealous of what you and Loki share.” “You’ll find it Steve.  You really will.  There’s a person out there waiting for you.  And once you’ve found them, oh Steve, you’ll see that this… what we had, it’s a shadow.  An illusion.  Because love, real love, doesn’t come with caveats and catches.  It is an undeniable force which, in my case, even the boundaries of time and space can not deny.” Something like a sob burst out of Steve, and you were surprised to see tears in his eyes, “I was so wrong.  Could you ever forgive me?” “I want to, Steve.  I really do... “  What more could you say?  Patting his hand you started to rise, “I have to go now.  Loki and I need to keep moving and I don’t want to risk running into Nick and Natasha.  At least, not yet, anyway.” “Where are you planning to go?” “To the Avenger’s Tower.  I believe I know what Mr. Fury has been planning all along.”  Loki’s strong voice entered the conversation as smoothly as his arms wrapped possessively around your waist. Steve took in the protective stance of your returned lover with a raised eyebrow, and without further comment asked Loki, “Really?  And how are you going to breach the building?  They’ll be looking for you, even with disguises…  Fury is no fool.  Plus, there’s little chance that Tony hasn’t activated a million safety and security protocols by now.” Only interested in you, Loki refused to give Steve any of his attention, “Getting in can’t be that hard!  I’ll figure it out when I get there.  Ready pet?” With a gentle push under his broad hands your feet started to move towards the door.  Loki was eager to be off and away, especially after hearing so much of Roger’s confession.  Just knowing what Steve had done, manipulating you while also convinced of his love for you;  it was enough for Loki to commit murder.  He was having quite a difficult time not tearing the good Captain’s limbs off his body. Softening his tone, Steve practically pleaded, “Loki.  Wait.  I… I can help.” Turning his attention fully to your former flame, Loki purred venomously, “You can help?  I’d love to know what entails, Captain.” “I can get you into the place and take you exactly where you need to go.  Fury’s going to hate it, but I’m tired of taking orders that hurt the people that-”  His pause was as lingering as the look he gave you, “- That I love.”  Before Loki could offer a sincerely sassy reply you grabbed his sleeve, tugging, “Um… Excuse us a minute Steve.” Pulling him down the hall of a home that felt like a familiar faced stranger, you waited until you had a bit of distance from Steve before harshly whispering, “How long were you listening?”

Serving you that small, sexy smile, Loki grinned, “Long enough.  How did you know I was there?” “You are sneaky, but even you, God of Mischief, cast a shadow.” Swinging you close enough to catch your mouth with his own, Loki pressed a sweet kiss there before answering, “A mistake I will be careful not to make again!” “The tower, huh?  That’s where you want to go?”  Grabbing you at the swell of your hips, grinding his frame against your own, “Where I want to go, my darling, is to the nearest bed, preferably naked, with you and you alone.” Your hands traced over the lapels of his borrowed leather duster, pausing only to jerk him closer by the supple fabric, “Hmm… is that so?” “Oh yes…”  Loki’s buttery grumble filled your ear as his strong hands dug into the flesh of your bottom.  For a moment you thought he’d give in to temptation, his sweet lips teasingly close to your own upturned mouth, “But-” On your toes, leaning into Loki’s sturdy, leather draped frame, you paused, “Ugh.  But?” Moving you to a safer, less kissable, arms length away, Loki sighed with the same frustration you felt, “-But, where we need to go, as soon as possible, is the Tower.” Moaning grumpily, you stepped out of the arms you longed to linger in, “I was afraid you were going to say that.” “I know it’s less than… ideal, love, but I did find something useful before the good Captain unburdened his soul this morning.” “And that is?” “Fury’s plan.  At first I couldn’t figure out exactly what he was after.  What did Fury want?  How was I involved?” Loki was dragging this out, loving how it kept you hanging onto his every word, and you rolled your eyes, “Well?  What is it?  Weapons?  War?” “All of that, yes… and… yours truly.”  That triumphant smile that filled Loki’s whole face lit up his mischievous eyes.  Tilting your head, struggling to make sense of what Loki had just told you, “What do you mean, you.  Fury wanted you… to do what, exactly?’ “Loki was going to be the patsy.” You both turned toward the sound of Steve’s baritone at the door, suddenly remembering that the Good Captain was still there and that he was waiting to see what you were going to do next.  Leaning his 100 year old bones into the doorframe, Steve crossed his arms, “The fall guy.  An example of what happens if you cross SHIELD.” “I think, my dear Mr. Rogers, that you mean, I am to be used as an example of what happens if one crosses Nick Fury.”  Loki countered, slinging an arm over your shoulder protectively. The idea was frightening.  A man like Fury had too much power, too much at his disposal.  Just knowing the lengths he had gone to in order to keep you and Loki apart was scary enough.  Making enemies of your friends.  Threatening the people you loved.  Selling your affection to Steve in an effort to control Loki.

Now, the knowledge that all of it was done in an effort to ensure that Nick Fury was the toughest guy in the galaxy, it made your stomach clench.  “What do you mean, an example?” “Unless my intelligence is flawed, I believe that Fury was going to kill me.  Is that correct, Captain?” Steve felt the weight of two sets of eyes on him.  Yours, full of fearful love and blind hope that this was all just some misunderstanding.  Innocent and naive and as lovely as he could ever remember.  Loki’s were reflecting a deeper understanding.  The kind of knowledge that only time in the trenches teaches. There was no answer from Captain Rogers.  None was needed.  Honesty, final and resolute, was out in the open.  “Look.  I know I’m not the guy you want on your side.  I’ve… I haven’t been the man I needed to be.  Not for you-”  Steve locked his bright blues onto you, offering a small smile that spoke of sadness before facing Loki, “-Or you, Loki.  But if you let me help you now, I promise that I can get you into the tower and maybe, one day, you won’t think so little of me.” 

Around you the morning gained strength.  Somewhere nearby birds chirped wildly, blissfully unaware of the drama unfolding in the modest little farmhouse and its implications on intergalactic politics.  Without  moving a muscle, Loki plainly asked you, “Do you trust him, dearest?” Squaring your shoulders, you crossed your arms, staring down the man called Captain America.  Nodding decisively, “I do.  I don’t think he’d spill everything like that only to turn on us.  He’s not so bad Loki, really.” “We’ll see about that.  For now, we trust Steve.  Ok, what’s your plan, Rogers?” --- “Hey.  I… I have one other thing to show you.”  Steve was dressed for action in his branded tactical gear, looking every inch the super soldier that Dr. Erskine envisioned. “Steve, we have to get moving.  Loki’s eager and -” “Just open it, ok?”  The envelope was thick with folded paper, the flap tucked under and not sealed.  Clearly it had spent time in and out of pockets, the edges frayed and tattered.  In exasperated curiosity you gingerly pulled the sheets free.

Shaking, your hands trembled holding the once white documents as your voice thickened, “Is this… is this what I think it is?” Cocking his head playfully, that rueful smile pulling at his full mouth, Steve almost seemed cheerful as he teased, “It’s yours.  I think something about this place has always been yours and I want you to have it.” “But-” Folding your small hands in his mighty ones, Steve squeezed gently, “It was a wedding present, or it was supposed to be.” “But we’re not getting married.” “I know.  Still-” “I can’t, Steve.  It’s yours.  Your house, your farm, your dream.” Shaking his head, disagreeing, but feeling lighter than he had in decades, Steve insisted, “Too late, I’m afraid.  It’s done.  Actually, that version of the deed has been signed since our second week here.” As realization sunk in you appraised the man changing right before your eyes, astonished but exhilarated, “Where will you go?” “I dunno.  Think I might need to be alone for a bit.  Maybe see the world… but first-” “First, we have to stop Nick Fury.”

To Be Continued... My Minxes:   @scrumptious-finicky-illusion @iamverity​ @mizfit2​ @sammy-jo1977​ @wolfsmom1​ @jessiejunebug​ @iluvsumbucky​ @unadulteratedwizardlove​ @procrastinatinglikeabitch​ @shxdowofdarkness​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @ahintofkiwistrawberry​ @alexakeyloveloki​ @rorybutnotgilmore​ @crystalizedcaramel​ @lokislittlecorner​ @capcapcapsicle @jamielea81​ @caffiend-queen​ @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore​ @jenjen8675309​ @that-one-person​ @roguewraith​ @toomanystoriessolittletime​ @vodka-and-some-sass​ @just-random-obsessions​ @brokenthelovely​ @lots-of-loki​ @thefallenbibliophilequote​

[moonlit-imagines]

Grand Novice

Loki Laufeyson x Grandmaster’s child!reader

warnings: death, weapons,

a/n: obviously y/n is a grown person in this?? i just didn’t know how to label them correctly ???? you feel???

prompt:

“I like him.” You told your father when the newest arrival of Sakaar had been dismissed.

“Well, good for him! He’s safe!” Grandmaster cheered to you, who didn’t take to many as quick as you had to Loki. “For now.”

“Oh, stop it, dad!” You giggled while Topaz stood behind you with the melting wand, offering it to you as if you were hiding your true feelings. “What about what I just said made you think we should melt him? Put that thing away!” You shook your head and gazed upon the crowd to see your new guest acclimating nicely to the subjects of Sakaar.

“Why don’t you go sit with him for a while, my dear?” Your father nudged you in his direction, but you didn’t need much more than that. With your robe dragging on the floor behind you, you parted the crowd and seated yourself right next to the Asgardian.

“Hello there, your highness.” Loki smirked when you leaned on his shoulder, but he genuinely didn’t mind it a bit. “How has your day been?”

“Oh, just wonderful.” You reached out for his hand shamelessly while other Sakaarians watched with hidden gazes. Now, Loki wasn’t one to get uncomfortable so easily, but he also wasn’t one to rush into something like this.

It’d be foolish to reject someone in a position of power, wouldn’t it? Loki was just given a spectacular opportunity, there was no passing this up.

“And why’s that?” He questioned, lifting your hand to his lips for a respectful kiss that only wooed you more.

“Well, I met a man who might just be perfect for me.” You weren’t one to hide your feelings, Loki appreciated that much. Although a liar could read another like the back of his hand, a truth-teller was impossible to figure out. At least, for him.

Maybe the challenge was another reason he grew attracted to you, because by the second week that he had been stuck on this miserable planet, he’d actually started to care for you. His romantic gestures were not forced, he had begun to open up, and he couldn’t spend a moment away from you.

The day that Thor arrived was a different story, though. Loki had mentioned his brother died recently, but now he was an eligible contender! Funny how the universe works.

“Are you worried for him, my darling.” You inquired as you played with his hair, he was noticeably zoned out, you’d like to help him any way you could.

“No, not at all.” Your boyfriend had brushed your concern off. “Thank you for asking, though. You’re too kind.” He placed a kiss on your forehead after cradling your face.

“I’m glad to hear that,” you practically melted around him, and you’ve seen people get melted before, “would you like to watch him contend, then? We’ll have the best view in the stadium!” You hugged him tightly and awaited his obvious agreement, he couldn’t help but giggle at your excitement. Had he truly gone soft?

Loki’s life had truly flipped once his brother had broken loose and rampaged above the streets of your beloved home. You were outraged until Loki offered to take his brother down, declaring it was for you.

Someone like yourself didn’t work very hard, you had better things to do. You were of a higher class, but you weren’t completely useless. You had much more energy than the Grandmaster, which is why you spent it on following the tracks of Thor, leading you to Loki suffering a constant shock on the floor.

“Oh, no!” You rushed over to assist him, grabbing the remote nearby and releasing him from the painful device. “Are you okay, my love? Please tell me you’re alright.” You hopped on top of him and pressed your ear against his chest, feeling his racing heartbeat continue on. His arms engulfed you in a real act of selfless love, he couldn’t believe his life had come to this. It was more unfortunate that you had no idea that this was the first he had ever felt this way.

“I’m alright, thanks to you.” The crown of your head collected a kiss and you rolled off of him.

“That scoundrel will pay for this!” You clenched your fists and ran to a ship equipped with weaponry, but Loki had done a bit of contemplating while he was confined to electrocution. Maybe he had gone mad, or maybe this was a turning point?

“Y/N, wait.” He sighed, catching your attention fairly quickly. You spun around and ran right back to him, holding his arms as he placed his hands on your hips. “Before me, when was the last time you were happy an Sakaar? And I mean truly happy?”

“I...” You blinked through thoughts as you tried to pinpoint an answer in your mind. “Why?”

“The Grandmaster, he thinks you’re happy, but you’re not. I can see it in your eyes, my dear.” He traced his tired fingers down your cheekbones. “Your father, he doesn’t give you all the freedom you desire, does he?”

“No, but—” You were cut off before you couldtry to defend him.

“We’re more alike than we appear, mine was the same way.” Loki explained to you. “I ask you this because...I need to go back to Asgard. I have a sister who is about to doom our people, but I don’t want to go without you.” You were caught off-guard by Loki’s change of plans, however, they were enticing. “You’ve never been off of this planet, I can show you the rest of the galaxy, give me a chance!” Now he held your hands so enthusiastically, yet so gentle. He knew he was getting through to you.

“Loki, my love,” you looked away and to the collection of your father’s ships, then took a pause as Loki’s expression grew concerned while studying yours, “We’ll take the biggest one, but we may need to take some of the prisoners for backup if we want to save your people.” You finally agreed and witnessed Loki breathe a sigh of relief and pull you into such an emotionally deep and serious kiss, you couldhave cried.

“I’ve never once in my life felt this way about anyone before you, y/n. You have succeeded in stealing my heart away from me and I couldn’t even see it coming.” His own way of making a declaration of love was all you could dream about, but you were running out of time here.

The plan was going better than you could have thought once the contenders burst through the doors, that was one thing off of your list.

“Great for you to join us, all! Would you like to come with us to help Thor?” You asked the group, who had their suspicions about you.

“Aren’t you the Grandmaster’s child? Is this a trick?” The one made out of rock had asked, earning agreement from the group.

“Y/N’s had a change of heart.” Loki kept one of your hands in his while he squeezed it tightly. You couldn’t tell if he was comforting you or himself, but at least it was guaranteed that you’d be sticking together.

“Oh. Alright then.” The Kronan understood without anymore questions, easy enough.

“Great! Everyone in that big ship now! We’re already late!” You led the army away, Loki supposed that leadership was in your blood. It came so easily to you, and it was a smidge attractive, too. What can he say? Power will always be his first love.

You’d never seen combat through your own two eyes, but you had begged Topaz to teach you how to use “big guns,” so you made do with what you had.

“Scrapper 142, would you be willing to trade places?” You called to her as she rode in the sky with your father’s ship.

“We aren’t on Sakaar anymore, your highness! I’m not a scrapper here.” She retorted, making your face heat even more than the exhaustion had done.

“My apologies! Please forgive me, I’ve better start getting used to life off of Sakaar.” You told her as she made room for you to use the exhilarating weapon. “Will you be flying?”

“Hopefully,” she said as she got control of the craft, “I’d like to keep this thing in the air for as long as I can.” It was a rocky start, but you trusted her for it. And she was beginning to trust you, as well. You weren’t a complete basket case like the Grandmaster, you’d be capable of changing. You could become a dear friend.

The ship crashed.

“Y/N!” Loki came rushing your way as the ship exploded in a multicolored blaze behind you. “Are you alright? Let’s get you up.” He helped you to your feet, but you were in no mood to slow down. Honestly, this was the most fun you’d had in ages.

“I’m more alive than ever!” You looked over his shoulder to take in the commotion. “Do you have any other weapons I could use?”

“Would...a dagger work?” It was a simple gesture, but you’d appreciate it to the end of your days after you plucked the blade from his hand. You’d never fought with a dagger, but there was no harm in trying. Yes, there was. But fortunately, fortune was on your side. The fun never lasts though, that was a fact. “Might I suggest you help evacuate instead, darling?”

“I suppose that’s an option!” You figured he’d realized just how dangerous hand-to-hand combat would be for someone without experience, but you were still living in some sort of fantasy land, you needed to be grounded.

So you rooted for them from the sidelines, helping people onto your ship. It was extremely hard to concentrate at times, especially when you couldn’t find Loki out there. A little warning that he was running off, that would’ve been nice.

And then there was an explosion that really rattled your bones, you’d never been in so much danger before. That’s when Loki darted straight towards you and each of you hopped into the ship.

“Are you hurt?” He moved his hands up and down your body to check for any injuries, but you insisted on doing the same.

“No, no, I’m fine. Are you?” While both of you were clutching onto each other, you shared another passionate kiss, glad that you both were still in good health together. Now the two of you merely spectated to destruction of the planet he had called home. “I’m sorry about Asgard.”

“No, I am.” He lowered his head. “I imagined a life with you here, but those plans will have to change.”

“That’s alright,” your tired voice softened once you laid your head on his shoulder, “we’ll make it work.”

—————

Loki didn’t live long enough to build a life with you, Thanos made sure of that. The entire reason you left your homeworld was to be with him, now you were stranded in space without a plan for your future. Who knew what this galaxy held? You’d been so naïve to run into the unknown, but there was only one thing left to do now, and that was get revenge.

taglist: @alwaysananglophile // @rorybutnotgilmore // @locke-writes // @sweetheartliz07 // @queen-destenie // @natasha-danvers // @lokihiddles // @frostedficrecs // @emygirl // @lotsoffandomrecs // @johnmurphyisbisexual // @teenwaywardasgardian // @pappydaddy // @captainshazamerica // @freya-xo // @ravenmoore14 // @thisetaernallove // @ofthedewthesunlight // @canarypoint // @zoeyserpentluck // @randomawesomeperson102 // @spideyandtheboys //

[fanmoose12]

also HUGE thanks to @tundrainafrica​ because i honestly would have never written this fic if it wasn’t for her awesome idea!!!!

He is floating. All around him is the vast see of nothingness, which surrounds him from all sides. It's not water, not quite - it's not as heavy. It's neither cold nor warm. He's sinking, but he's not drowning. He doesn't feel comfortable, but— he is content. Nothing can get to him here, nothing can hurt him, Levi likes that.

After all that's happened, Levi— Levi just wants to rest. Hasn't he done enough? Hasn't he suffered enough? Doesn’t he deserve some respite?

He lets the water drag him deeper. He wants to reach the bottom, wants for everything to end. He wants to disappear, hoping that wherever he'll end up, she will be waiting there for him.

Just when he's almost there, just when he's ready to let go, the voices appear. Some sound urgent, some scared, but Levi doesn't care. He doesn't want to hear them, he doesn't want to feel pain anymore. He tries to ignore the irritating chatting, grits his teeth in frustration, when he realizes that he can't move his hands to cover his ears.

Not able to hide from these voices, Levi has no choice but to listen. And when he listens - he recognizes one of the voices immediately. And, really, how could he not? He would sooner forget his title, his own name than the sound of her voice.

He knows it better that his own - it can be playful, excited, authoritative, tired or soothing. Right now, she sounds commanding, but Levi notices the slight tint of panic and fear too.

Is it a memory, Levi wonders. It must be. Initially he thought that the voices belong to those who are among the living. But if Hange is with them, then it most certainly isn't the case.

Maybe, she's calling out to him? He should hurry then. He can't wait to see her again.

It's a selfish act, he knows, but he's so tired of being good. He's sick of fighting. And right now, he can't even do that properly. He's just a dead weight, slowing everyone down. His times of glory are long gone, the future rests in the hands of those kids now. They're strong, they're more than capable. Levi believes in them. Regret twists in his chest as he thinks about the bright-eyed youth, but he has already decided. He won't be their weak point. He'll leave. He'll go and join the ones who are waiting for him.

He relaxes, feeling a liberating feeling of peacefulness. It's been awhile since it visited him. Levi embraces it and lets Hange's voice guide him.

***

He gasps and then wheezes, his mouth opens and closes, as he tries to take a breath. It hurts, every part of him hurts. Every muscle and nerve feel like it's on fire.

Why the fuck does it hurt? It shouldn't. He should be in a better place now, he should be at peace. Then why does his body feel like someone is ripping him apart? Why can't he draw even a single breath?

Levi wants to open his eyes, wants to see the fucker that has brought him back, that has taken him away from her, again, and hurl abuse at him. Trying to lift a single eyelid feels like an unattainable feat but Levi wasn't called humanity's strongest for nothing.

Looking up, he almost screams. Everything is so bright, he feels like his retina is burning. He hurriedly closes his eye back, deciding to focus on other sensations instead. It seems like he's moving. Which makes no sense, because he's sure he is laying down. And then— he feels a hand. It's warm and gentle, and it carefully pushes his sweaty hair away, before moving down to grip his palm.

And it's— it's impossible. This calloused hand with a scar across its palm, it belongs to Hange. He knows it with ironclad certainty. He remembers wrapping bandages around it, when years ago a glass from a broken test tube had cut it.

But it makes no sense. If Hange is here, if she's holding his hand, then why he's in such pain? Does the pain exist even after death? Did Hange feel it too, when she came here? Did she suffer just like him?

Even now, with agony soaring through him, Levi hopes she didn't. He hopes that whatever force is ruling there, it was kind enough to spare Hange. And if not, Levi is ready to shoulder all of her pain himself. He'll take it all, he just needs a moment to rest.

He relaxes under the soft touch, the pain diminishing slightly.

Too weak to fight, Levi lets the darkness claim him.

 ***

When he comes back to his senses again, the pain is gone, only echoes of that agony resonating in his body. Breathing comes much easier too, and for a moment he just lays there, gathering his strength. He hears a quiet muttering, and, curious, Levi decides to get a glimpse of his surroundings.

The world is still too bright, when he opens his eye, and after a moment of staring, Levi realizes that he's looking at a window. The sun is high in the sky, shining right at him. With a quiet grunt, he turns away. He shifts his gaze to his left, to the direction from which the muttering is coming from.

Jean and Armin sit next to his bed. And that can mean only one thing - he is still alive. Everything he experienced before it - Hange's voice and her gentle touch - was just a hallucination, something his broken mind had supplied him with to soothe the suffering.

It's a good thing, he supposes. He was given yet another chance in life, be should be happy. Instead, he just feels exhausted.

Putting his depressing thoughts aside, Levi gives Armin and Jean another look.

They are deep in conversation, speaking to one another in hushed voices. It's obvious they're troubled by something for they do not notice that Levi is already awake.

He clears his throat, attracting their attention. Instantly, their eyes snap to him. Armin bolts out of his seat, mumbling something about water.

He returns swiftly, pressing a glass to Levi's lips. With a quiet 'thank you' Levi finishes the whole glass in one go. He didn't even notice how thirsty he was. He clears his throat again, fixing the boys in front of him with the sharpest gaze he can muster, considering that he’s lying in a hospital bed with bandages all over his face.

"So," he rasps, his voice even quieter and more gruff than usual. "Where am I?"

"You're back at Paradis, Captain," Armin replies. "We transported you back after..." he gulps, looking away. "After everything was over."

Levi nods, absorbing the information. He doesn't need to ask Armin what exactly had happened. He doesn't want to know. He lost too much already, and he recognizes the sad, hollow look in Armin's eyes. Levi's sure his eyes look pretty much the same.

"We worried about you," Jean tells him. "You were out for almost a week."

"And you've been sitting here this whole time?" Levi asks, equal parts surprised and touched by their concern.

Armin chuckles, lifting his arm to rub at his neck. "It's not like there is anything else we can do right now."

At that, Levi raises an eyebrow. "Don't you have work to do? You're the only remaining commander after all," he doesn't know much about current situation, of course, but isn't there supposed to be some peace negotiations? Restorations of the island?

"Ah," Armin blushes slightly. "The transition of power, it's, um, it's a slow process."

Levi frowns. The transition of power? From who? As far as he is aware, everyone who had any kind of power, is gone. Pixis is dead, Dawk is too, and Hange... Hange is gone too. So who rules the island now? Historia alone? Why aren't Armin and Jean helping her?

Before Levi can ask all of it out loud, the doctor enters the ward. He tells the boys to leave, so he could conduct Levi’s inspection in peace. Once Armin and Jean are gone, the doctor sets to work.

He checks Levi's wounds and changes the bandages. He tells Levi about his condition, but his speech is so full of medical jargon that Levi doesn't understand the half of that he's saying. Doesn't matter, he'll just ask Armin to explain him, he decides, staring up at the ceiling, as doctor carefully touches his leg.

"Your comrades say it was almost bitten off by a titan," the doctor remarks. "You're lucky we were able to save it," Levi wants to scoff. Lucky? He's nothing but. "Unfortunately, even despite your enhanced regeneration process, you still need a lot of time to get back on your feet. I don't think you're ready to leave the hospital right now."

"Alright," Levi agrees. He doesn't really care about it either way. He used to hate hospitals, despised the constant boredom and the feeling of being useless, but now he doesn't care. It's not like there is a place for him anymore. He doesn't have a purpose, he doesn't have a job, and the only person he could see himself building a home with had sacrificed her life.

"You should rest as much as you can," doctor pats his shoulder lightly. Levi nods and quietly thanks him.

He closes his eyes. It doesn't take too long before he falls back into slumber.

*** By the time he wakes up again, it's already dark outside. The room is engulfed in shadows, the lonely candle on his bedside table being the only source of light.

There's someone sitting by his bed again. Levi shifts his gaze to look and breath hitches in his throat.

She's mumbling something with a puzzled look on her face. She's holding a stack of papers in one hand, and her other is stroking the back of her head with a quill.

Levi had seen this exact scene so many times that he's sure – he’s relieving the memory. What else could it be? He pitches his arm with two fingers, wincing in pain. Hange doesn't disappear. So, it's not a dream then.

Hallucination, Levi realizes grimly.

At that moment, Hange finally notices him. She lifts her head and her sweet smile takes Levi's breath away.

"You're finally up! When boys told me you're awake, I dropped everything and rushed here. But when I finally arrived, you were already asleep," she exhales after that, that same smile still on her lips. She puts the papers and quill down, and leans closer. "Do you need something? Water or, maybe, an extra blanket? It isn't really cold right now, but doctor mentioned you could develop a fever. Oh, and also..."

Levi just lets her ramble on, not really knowing what to do. Should he even answer Hange? Should he try to ignore her? Should he call a doctor and tell him that he's experiencing the symptoms of delirium?

No, he decides. If he does any of those things, Hange would probably disappear. And he doesn't want it to happen. Even if she's not actually real, he still needs her. Besides, Levi muses, as loses himself in watching her smile, he knows she isn't real, so technically he hasn't lost his mind yet. As long as he remembers that, there is nothing wrong in chatting with her. It's not like there's much to do in here anyway.

And that what he does for as long as he can keep his eyes open – chatting with Hange. Hange does most of the chatting, of course. He’s too weak still and talking was never his strong forte. He’s happy to just listen to her blubbering, although he can’t properly focus on her words yet, so he opts to silently admire her animated face.

Way too soon, his eyelids start growing heavy again. Levi knows he won’t be able to stay awake for long. He fights the darkness, though, afraid to lose sight of Hange. What if she won’t come back?

With each passing second, his fight turns more and more futile, and Hange quickly takes note of his sorry state.

“It seems like my rants never fail in lulling you to sleep,” she jokes. “I should leave and let you rest.”

No, Levi wants to protest. He wants to grab her hand and never let go. He wants to keep Hange by his side forever, even though he knows that she’s not real.

Unfortunately, he’s too frail to even lift an arm or utter a single word.

“I’ll come back tomorrow, don’t worry,” Hange promises, leaning in to press a kiss on his forehead. For a hallucination, her touch feels awfully real. His skin tingles in the place, where her lips touched it. “Go to sleep, Levi. I’ll watch over you.”

After her promise, Levi is able to relax. Hange promised him to return and she’s never broken her word. He trusts her this time too.

Knowing that there is something good waiting for him the next day, Levi lets himself get some rest.

 ***

He doesn't know how much time has passed, but when Levi gains consciousness again, Hange is back by his side.

She is writing something down, and Levi wonders if that's the notes for her titan research or is she filling commander's paperwork. He shifts to the side, so he can get a better look at her. The sounds of bed sheet’s rustling makes Hange look up. As soon as she meets Levi's eyes, she beams.

"Hi, there," she murmurs. "How do you feel?"

"Fine," Levi answers. Much better now that you're here, he adds in his head. "What you've been up to?"

"Ah," she ruffles her hair and only now Levi notices how tired she looks. "There's been too much work lately. It's not as tiring as it was before— but it's still a bit too much."

Levi makes a considerable effort, grunts from exertion, but after struggling for a couple of seconds he finally manages to lift an arm and wrap his fingers around Hange’s hand.

"Tell me," he asks.

Hange looks at him for a moment, her eyes filled with so much emotion, which Levi is quite reluctant to decipher. Even if she is just an illusion, pondering on what was lost will only make regret that much stronger.

Then she nods, takes a deep breath and launches into her tale.

She talks about peace negotiations, pact with Marley and their promise to leave them alone in exchange for Paradis' help in restoring their lands. She waxes poetic about their technical achievements and speaks of inventions Levi has never heard of. She tells him about things called telephones that are used for conversing on great distances and gramophones that can play music anytime you want.

Levi has a hard time imagining any of those things, but he listens, hanging onto every word from her lips. It looks like Hange is especially impressed by these gramophones and Levi fleetingly imagines a life, where he could get this thing for Hange, so she could dance whenever she wishes to. It'd be nice to watch her spin around the room, humming under her breath. Maybe, he'd join her too, holding her in his arms, as they slowly move around.

He gets so lost in this little fantasy that he misses when Hange starts talking about her new experiment.

"Paradis decided to collaborate with Marley's scientists. Well," Hange's face twists into a grimace. "With those of them, who are still alive. We want to try and see if we can turn the titans back to their human forms. We're working with Connie's mother for now, but if we succeed, maybe, we can make shifters become fully human again. Get rid of that curse," a wistful smile appears on her face, as she speaks her next words. For some reason, it reminds Levi of their conversation in forest. His heart twists with regret at that particular memory. He should have run away with Hange then. It's too late for remorse now, though. Hange is gone, and the only thing Levi is left with is a specter that his broken mind had come up with.

His head starts to throb then and Levi knows he needs to rest again. He closes his eyes, letting Hange's voice soothe him.

Even as he falls asleep, his hand still continues to hold Hange's. She begins to draw circles on it, looking at Levi's peaceful face with a tender smile.

"It'd be nice, don't you think?" she whispers, knowing that Levi can't hear her anymore. "To get more time together. Fear not, Levi, I'm working on it. I’m not going to let our second chance go to waste."

 ***

Hange never appears during daytime, always coming to him only when the night falls. Levi doesn’t think too much about it, doesn’t question it. After all, his mother used to warn him that the ghost and apparitions reveal themselves only in the presence of night, when the sun is down and only pale stars illuminate the world.

*** It's maybe Hange's fifth or seventh visit, it's hard for Levi to keep track of anything, when his mind is still a mush because of painkillers, but it's only then when he notices that she doesn't wear the eye patch anymore. He looks closely, and the scar on her left eye is gone too. Levi asks her about it, wondering what that can mean.

"My patch?" Hange lifts a hand to her face, pressing fingers to her cheek. "What do I need it for? Since I've been turned into a titan, my eye has healed."

"A titan?" Levi repeats slowly.

"Yeah! Don't you remember? Me arriving at the heat of the battle and taking you away? I brought you to safety and tended to your wounds, before returning to the fight."

Oh no, Levi thinks, this is bad. He let his imagination go wild and his mental state is worsening. He understands the reasons, though. He misses Hange terribly, and so his brain latches onto every subconscious idea to try and persuade him that she's really still here. It's dangerous - feeding his insanity like this. He's still holding on, however. He still knows it's not real, still sees the line. He just has to be careful and not overstep it.

“A titan, huh?” he chuckles softly. “I’m sure you have a blast. Tell me more.”

Hange does.

“It was quite scary, being so big all of a sudden,” she confesses, telling Levi about her first transformation. There is a wide, enthusiastic smile on her lips, and Levi is hit by a strong wave of nostalgia at the sight of it. “But it was so exciting too! And I felt so powerful, it was really something!”

“Oh and then there was this boy!” Hange continues to gash. “Remember, that Marleyan fella? Who inherited the Jaw Titan? He grew wings, Levi! Just like a bird!”

At that Levi nods, he does remember something about a flying titan. His memories are vague, though, as he was already in too much pain to pay attention to anything around him. He remembers the feeling of soft feathers and a fleeting thought that if Hange were to see it, she would have lost her mind and pestered the poor boy for days on end.

Hange’s excitement dies down considerably after that. She doesn’t talk about what happened next, what was the outcome of the battle, and Levi wonders if that’s caused by the fact that he himself doesn’t know about it. If what Armin and Jean had told him was true, he wasn’t present at the end of it all. Maybe, it’s a good thing, Levi thinks.

He looks Hange in the eyes then, and the pain and sorrow inside her gaze makes his heart clench painfully.

“I’m so happy, Levi,” she whispers, and, maybe it’s a trick of light, but it seems as though there are tears in her eyes. “I’m so happy that you’re still here. And, perhaps, it is wrong, but I’m happy that I’m here too. After all we’ve been through, after all that we’ve done,” Hange grabs his hand then and lifts it to her lips, kissing his bandaged knuckles. “I’m so happy that we’ve managed to get a second chance.”

Levi didn’t think it was possible, he didn’t know there was anything left of it, but Hange’s words break his heart once more. He knows that none of it is real, knows that all of it is just in his head, but he wishes it to be true. There is nothing else he wishes for - just to get Hange back, to see her once more and tell her about his feelings. Just to receive a chance of building a life they both ached for.

"I love you so much," he murmurs, unable to keep in anymore. He had hid for too long, had run away from these feelings, he's not strong enough to do it any longer.

These are simple words that don't cover the half of what he feels to Hange, nevertheless, it's good to say them out loud. Even if he's too late and even though it's not real Hange who's sitting next to him, he's glad he finally did it.

It takes its toll on him, though, and, out of nowhere, Levi feels exhaustion wash over him. He falls asleep almost instantly.

And in doing that, he doesn't hear Hange's response.

***

After that night, Hange doesn't appear anymore. Levi tries not to be disappointed - after all, it just means that he's getting better, that he's not really losing his mind. But he still misses her. He finds out that sleep comes much harder to him, now that he doesn't have Hange's voice lulling him to slumber. And he feels unusually cold without her warm presence.

He thinks about it one night. It's dark in the room and no matter how hard he tries, Levi can't fall asleep. He remembers the stories his mother used to tell him and the books he read to Isabel.

It was the only type of stories his mother knew, there wasn't a place for fairy tales about princesses and knights in Underground. Meanwhile, Isabel was simply fascinated with grimy, frightening tales. She made him read them to her, until Farlan taught her how to do it by herself. After that, she started to gather the three of them in her room every week, so she could share with them her favorite stories. They used to sit in the dark room, with no candles and with curtains closed, and listen to Isabel's enchanting, low voice. Some of the stories were funny, some - exciting, but they never frightened Levi.

The gnawing hunger was frightening, the feeling of opponent's blade on your throat was frightening. Tales about ghosts and demons? That were children's stories, they did not scare him. After all, the real monsters and demons walked among them.

He vaguely remembers the sad stories. Those were his mother's favorite, while Isabel didn't enjoy them at all, saying that they made her eyes feel funny. Those stories told about ghosts - apparitions of those unfortunates who died while having some unfinished business. They continued to roam the land of the living, until they get the closure they need. Levi used to scoff at these tales, everyone had some regrets before death, but he was yet to see at least one ghost.

Now, though, he is inclined to change his mind. Maybe, there are such things as ghosts. Maybe, they do come back from the underworld to haunt their loved ones. And, maybe, his confession was the thing that was able to finally set Hange free. Maybe, that's why she doesn't visit him anymore.

If that's the case, Levi thinks, then maybe he should have kept his mouth shut.

***

It's one of those days, when his mind refuses to keep quiet that Levi decides that enough is enough. It's about time he stopped wallowing in his misery.

He grips the metal railings at the side of the bed hard, pushing himself upwards. He grunts and curses, but after a moment of struggling he finally manages to sit up. Slowly, he moves his legs until they touch the floor.

Now, the hardest part.

He braces himself, using bed as his support. Doctor said his leg is almost healed, so Levi’s confident he can do it. He just needs to be careful and not put any weight on it. His healthy leg trembles, but holds him. Tentatively, Levi straightens out.

The door opens at that exact moment. Jean stumbles in, and the second his eyes land on Levi, they widen almost comically.

"Captain!" he rushes to his side, gripping his elbows. "You should be in bed!"

"I've been lying around for weeks now, and I'm sick of it. I'm going to walk around that room, and I don't want to hear your opinion on it. You can help or you can leave."

"As stubborn as ever," Jean huffs. Levi thinks of reprimanding him, but then remembers that technically Jean is not his subordinate anymore. He lets it slide, simply granting Jean with his signature tsk.

Jean smiles and takes off his hat and jacket. He comes to stand by Levi's side, hovering above him in case he falls down.

Levi takes his first step. It feels like a fucking torture. He grits his teeth and pushes on.

“Why are you here?” he asks after another agonizingly slow step.

“I promised to watch over you,” Jean answers. “Sorry for not visiting sooner, though. I was—” his hand on Levi’s elbow tightens and when he shifts his gaze from the floor, Levi sees how tense the boy looks. “I was needed somewhere else.”

Levi nods, his own face turning grim. “How is that brat doing?”

“She’s getting better, I think. She started talking again, albeit only with Armin. Historia helps a lot too, and even Annie tries to show her support. I heard them laughing the other day,” Jean’s lips curl into a smile. “She wanted to come to visit you, but now that Armin and Historia are gone, she retreated back into her shelf again.”

“Armin and Historia are gone? Where?”

“Haven’t you heard?” Jean wonders. “There is a peace conference at the capital. They’re going to finalize the treaty.”

“Ah,” Levi nods. “Armin is there as the commander then?”

“Not quite,” Jean grins. “He’s there to watch how the real pros do it.”

Who, Levi wants to ask. Is Jean talking about Marleyan government? He really hopes he’s not. He had seen some of them. He was not impressed.

“Where is Connie?” he questions instead. He has yet to see him, Levi realizes suddenly. And if Mikasa’s reasons are quite clear, why Connie hasn’t visited him even once? It’s not like Levi wants to see him or, god forbid, misses him. He’s just curious.

“He’s back at Ragako, didn’t you know? He’s helping with experiments. They’re trying to—”

“Bring his mother back,” Levi finishes. Now he remembers. Hange told him the very same thing.

It makes Levi freeze. How could Hange tell him about it? She wasn’t real, she couldn’t have known about real life events that he had no idea were happening. Perhaps, one of the brats told him, Levi tries to reason. Perhaps, they talked to him while he was unconscious. Perhaps, it was the way his brain had interpreted it.

“Captain?” Jean squeezes his hand, looking worriedly. “Are you alright? Maybe, you should get back to bed? You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine,” persists, taking yet another step. His muscles ache and he’s feeling tired and dizzy, but he continues. He can do it.

“Just don’t push yourself too hard, alright?” Jean warns with an edge to his voice. “Or I’ll get my ass kicked, when our peace ambassadors come back.”

Levi wants to ask Jean about it, something about his words seemed strange. Thinking about it, though, makes him forget about his very important job. His leg twists, when he puts it the wrong way. He winces in pain, as the only thing that keeps him upright are Jean’s strong arms.

“Maybe, you were right,” he admits reluctantly. “I should rest, but!” he raises a hand, glaring at Jean. “Let go of my hand, I want to try to walk by myself.”

 ***

Another week passes and Levi gets strong enough to walk outside. He focuses on his recovery, mental and physical. Unfortunately, the wounds on his flesh heal that much faster than his broken heart.

***

Mikasa visits him one day. She sits on a bench next to him during his daily walks around the garden. Levi searches her face and scrambles to find some comforting words.

He can’t.

He wants to say that it gets better, that the time heals every wound, but after everything that he has lost, he doesn't believe a single word of this bullshit. Time heals nothing, and your heart continues to hurt and ache for someone who isn't there anymore. You can't just forget it, but you can try and move forward. Find something that will lessen the pain at least for a short while.

But Mikasa knows all of it already. Just like him, she's not a stranger to loss. Maybe, that's the price for their power, Levi thinks.

It's too depressing of a thought to share it with a grieving girl, though. And, besides, Levi was never a master of words, so he opts to just cover her hand with his. Mikasa looks up at him then, and he isn't at all surprised to see tears in her eyes. He doesn't see them fall, however, because Mikasa presses her face into his chest, sobbing quietly.

Levi holds her tightly, softly rubbing her back.

Staring at the crying girl in his arms, he feels something close to envy. He couldn't cry after Hange's death. He wanted to, needed to, but tears never came. Perhaps, he couldn’t cry, because his last words to Hange were actually true. She did take his heart with her.

***

Levi doesn't really know how much time had passed, but one night he wakes up and hears quite snoring. He looks to the left and his heart swells.

Hange is sitting on a chair beside his bed. She's bent over, her head resting on his lap, as she peacefully slumbers.

A fleeting thought passes Levi's mind - do ghosts even need to sleep? He dismisses it instantly, and then reaches out, touching the strands of Hange's hair. It's as soft as he remembers from the times when he used to wash and braid it for the night.

Hange seems absolutely real, and Levi doesn't know if he should thank his mind for this gift or curse its cruelty for playing such tricks with him.

She doesn't even stir under his touch, and Levi grows a bit bolder. He entangles his fingers in her hair and starts to play with it. In that moment, he is filled with so much love, affection and adoration that it feels like he's choking on it. With Hange gone, to whom he will give all of it now?

"Forgive me," the apology stumbles out of his lips unprompted, but once he says it, Levi can't stop. "I've never deserved you, I've never— never deserved your love and care. I shouldn't have let you go, I should have stopped you, should have given up my life and save yours. I should—"

"Levi?" too lost in his own thoughts and regrets, he missed the moment when Hange woke up. Now she stares at him, blinking sleepily. "What are you talking about? Did you have a nightmare? I'm here, with you, Levi."

"You're not," he answers sharply. "I know you're not, so don't try to bullshit me."

The mind can be such a cruel thing, Levi muses, as he watches Hange's face twist with worry.

She leans in, placing a palm on his forehead. "Do you have a fever? Maybe, I should call a doctor?"

"Stop it," Levi growls. He turns his face away, unable to stare at this vision - or whatever Hange actually is. "Stop it, I know you're not real."

"Levi," Hange's voice softens, but is still filled with worry. She cradles his face in her hands, and, instinctively, Levi closes his eyes and relaxes. "I don't— I don't know what's gotten into you, but I'm alive and I'm here with you."

"You're not," Levi whispers weakly, clenching his fist in Hange's shirt. "I saw you walking away right to your death."

"But I came back, don't you remember? Zeke saved me and turned me into a Titan, and I came back to you."

More than anything, Levi wants to believe her. But if Hange actually came back, then that's a miracle. And life taught him that such things do not exist.

But hope is another thing. It's a clingy, persistent feeling and even now it doesn't quite leave him.

So he looks Hange in the eyes and decides to give his hope the last chance.

"Tell me then," he challenges. "Tell me one thing I couldn't know about. Something only you would know."

"Oh, that's hard," Hange scratches the back of her head with a clueless smile. "We're so deep in each other's shit that it's near impossible to have some secrets."

Levi can't disagree with her. It is true, he knows almost everything about Hange. Except...

"Your scientific bullshit," he blurts out. "Tell me something about your dumb experiments."

"They’re not dumb," she mutters darkly, throwing Levi a look. "But fine! If that what it takes to make you stop this nonsense and believe that I'm actually real, then listen: recently we extracted three samples of spinal fluid – from Ms. Springer, me and a regular human. We tested it and found out that number of monocytes – type of cells that Marleyans discovered not long ago—”

Levi doesn’t hear the end of the sentence, because he’s too busy gawking at Hange like a goddamn fish. What the fuck are these monocytes? He had never heard about it, and even if he did, Levi is sure he wouldn’t have remembered the name for it.

And that can mean only one thing – that the miracles indeed happen, and that Hange— Hange is indeed alive.

With a broken, choking sound, Levi pulls her closer and gathers her in his arms. Hange’s hand accidentally brushes his wounded leg, and a sharp pain shoots through it, but Levi doesn’t care. She is there, she is with him, and he can’t, won’t ask for anything else.

“Hange, Hange,” her name falls from his lips over and over. He whispers it shakily, feverishly like it’s a sacred, holy thing. He had never believed in higher power, used to scoff at cultists and priests, but right now, as he holds Hange in his arms, he thanks whatever deity there is for this gift.

“Shh, I’m here, Levi,” Hange wipes something from his cheeks and only then Levi realizes that he’s crying. The sensation is so foreign, he doesn’t remember if he had ever cried before. But now, pressed against Hange’s chest, he starts to sob, letting out everything that’s been bottled up inside him for decades.

Hange lets him. She rubs his back and plays with his hair, whispering soothing words into his ear.

“I won’t leave you alone, I won’t let anything stand in our way anymore,” Hange’s words are fierce, honest and Levi believes her, of course, he believes her. He presses his cheek to her chest and listens to the steady heartbeat there, and it’s the sweetest goddamn sound.

He whimpers quietly, and Hange kisses his temple. “I bought a house last week,” she says, her voice quiet and soothing. “It’s on the outskirts of town. It’s peaceful there, you know, birds chipping and all that stuff. You can start a garden. If—” she stutters all of a sudden, and Levi looks up to find out the reason. Hange doesn’t meet his gaze, her eyes trained at something just above his head. There is a faint blush on her cheeks, and it confuses Levi.

“If?” he prompts, trying to catch her gaze.

“If you want it. To live with me, I mean. You didn’t actually answer me back then…”

“Asshole,” he glares at her. The effect is somewhat ruined by his red, shiny eyes and tear-streaked face. “There is nothing else I wish for.”

“Oh, that’s— that’s good,” Hange nods with a small relieved smile. Levi scoffs at the sight of it. Was she truly worried about his answer? Dork.

“I’m still needed in the capital,” she continues after a moment. “Armin needs me, and Historia too. And then there are these experiments in Ragako. It’s a bit too early to say,” she pauses, biting her lip. “But— I feel good about it. Maybe, we can really end this curse.”

“You can do it,” he says with absolute certainty. And it’s true, he does believe in her. Hange’s crazy smart and annoyingly hard-working. If anyone can break the curse, it’s her.

And even if she can’t, even if she doesn’t succeed, thirteen years is a long time. It’s much more that Levi could have hoped for.

He untangles himself from Hange, moving a bit to the side. Hange was bent over him this entire time, and Levi can only imagine how uncomfortable this position is.

He pats the place next to him. “Come here,” he beckons.

Hange frowns. “I don’t think I should. You— you’re still weak.”

“I don’t give fuck about that,” Levi grunts. “I need this— need you,” the words make him embarrassed, he feels so awkward, but Hange laughs, and Levi momentarily forgets about anything else.

She finally gets into the bed next to him, and Levi embraces her with a smile so rarely seen on his face. Now with Hange back at his side and with a bright future ahead of them, he’s sure that smiling will come that much easier to him.

[aelin-queen-of-terrasen]

𝐕𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐭 | 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 - 𝐓𝐰𝐨

full masterlist - fic masterlist

After her successful debut into the ton, Celaena Sardothein was much in demand.

The Hamel townhouse saw a constant stream of callers; many a gentlemen fawned over the charming, eligible heiress and many a visiting lady came with the intention of recruiting this new addition to their circles as a prospective bride to their own brothers and sons. Despite her determination to laugh off compliments and insults alike - or perhaps because of it - it was not long before she was declared at par with the most eligible debutantes of the season. How this distinction pleased the lady herself could not be discerned but regardless of whether or not she liked it, she was the talk of the season and invitations to exclusive events poured in. When she accepted an invite ti the Stanhope's dinner party, the rumor mill worked and it was not long before word reached Lord Fenrys Ashryver.

"This is all pointless," muttered James Galathynius to his cousin with a pinched expression on his face.

Lord Fenrys stared at him through the mirror, sprawled as he was on James' bed.

"Really, Fen," the incensed man tried, "I know how you miss my sister—we all do but I wish you would not raise your hopes again. It is simply not possible—"

"I know the last time we found a lead, it turned out to be a dead end," said Fenrys sharply, "but it's different now. I saw her. I am not so far gone in my grief that I won't recognise the girl whose portrait I see in your father's study every day, even if she has grown up quite a bit."

"She died in the fire."

"How do you know?" The familiar arguement from last week rose to the surface. "It could have been anyone! The anklet we retrieved from the little girl's body was the only evidence of her identity."

"The anklet, a man's body beside the girl's, the warehouse's distance from our estate, it was all too coincidental."

"I think our parents might have been wrong, Jem - it could have been a misunderstanding for all we know," he tried patiently, attempting to keep the frustration with his cousin out of his voice or expression. "There can be no harm in meeting her anyway, she still is the Hamel heir after all and I know you wanted an introduction; once you see her, you will know why I am so sure."

"If you insist, I will meet her," said James. "I fear you are setting yourself up for disappointment."

"I think you will be pleasantly surprised."

James regarded his cousin. "I hate to say this, Fen—"

"Then don't."

"—but it could be an impostor too. My sister had a significant inheritance, and father recently changed his will. Aelin's assets—"

"Aelin's assets, whatever they are, can be nothing compared to the Hamel fortune."

James frowned, knowing he was backed into a corner. "If we are, I should like to inquire into her background as evidence."

Evidence.

Fenrys wondered if he meant evidence against his claims or to support them but he readily agreed that it was the wisest course. Promptly, a note was sent to his solicitor to make discreet inquires about the Hamel business, the owner and his adoptive daughter. The solicitor, Mr Stone, was a competent man and it took less than two hours to provide the basic information: the Hamel's townhouse address, their rumoured income, her dowry and the stories around Miss Sardothein's 'adoption.'

"She isn't Arobynn's adoptive daughter like everyone assumed then?"

Mr Stone said, "Arobynn did adopt her, to be sure, but only on papers. Arobynn found her in the slums of London when she was but five, and persuaded the Rhunns—who have long been his dearest friends and loyal clients—to take her in. By all accounts, it looks like he took an active interest in her education but it was the Rhunns who raised her until Arobynn amassed for himself a big enough fortune, bought an estate or two in the countryside and took her in."

"How old is she now, do you know?"

"The young lady is eighteen or around, sir, though no one can be sure."

Fenrys shot a look at his cousin.

"And what can you tell us about the Rhunns, Mr Stone?" asked James.

"Nothing good, sir."

The cousins shared a look.

"Thomas Rhunn was a country gentleman until he lost his estate in gambling and like. He has been the Hamel Corporations' prime investor since it was founded some twenty years ago—that's where his fortune comes from," said he. "You will be interested in the bank records, sir, I think—he, uh, he gets an yearly sum of five thousand pounds every year from an anonymous account since 1798."

"The year they adopted Miss Sardothein?"

Neither cousin mentioned it was also the year Aelin had 'died.'

Mr Stone went on. "It is my belief, sir, that the money was for raising the young lady - the timing certainly matches - but it is not one of Arobynn's shell accounts."

"So you think someone else is paying the Rhunns to raise her?"

"I am."

"Their financial situation," James wondered how he should broach this, "Do you think they might employ deceit to secure wealth or position?"

Fenrys gave him an annoyed look.

Mr Stone, thoughtfully said, "Thomas Rhunn is a clever sort of man, sir, but too lazy for something so devious and his wife—a more insipid, unintelligent creature doesn't exist. The daughter, though, she is an ambitious one like her godfather." He hesitated, but the gentlemen looked so interested, he continued. "But I—I think, from what I heard, she is devoted to her trade and quote adept at it. I could not believe her capable of deception to achieve that."

The gentlemen sincerely thanked him for the information and he departed.

Fenrys turned to him. "So?"

"So?"

"So did you see the many proofs?"

"I didn't see any proofs, Fen. So she's the same age as our Aelin and she was adopted."

"The same year as Aelin disappeared!"

James frowned. "That doesn't mean—"

"Yes, it does." Fenrys huffed, more hopeful than ever. "To quote your own words, 'tis too much of a coincidence.'"

He fell silent, eyes shut and took a deep breath. "It's too much. If she is—If she didn't die, you know what it means? Edward has been a shell of himself all these years, my father—he is, he is on his deathbed and Aedion joined the army—he is on the continent somewhere and we might never see him! All those years we lost grieving, and she might never have been dead. None of us even thought to look! If we had, If I had... perhaps she would have been found sooner? But no, I wish to see her first. I will not worry about all that until I am sure."

Fenrys placed a hand on his shoulder.

"I know it will be hard and I am sorry for the years you wasted," said he with a calm, reassuring smile, "but all is not lost. If tis really her, your father could see her and know she is alive before he passes, Edward could finally let go of his guilt and have his sister back—he might even die of happiness—and we will call Aedion back; he will come once he hears she is back. Tis not too late to fix everything and save the years we all still have left."

"If it is her."

"I hope, that is, I really hope that it's her."

"Indeed." James nodded. "I hope so too."

"You said she is here?" Lady Perrington looked faintly scandalized.

James rolled his eyes as the crowd turned to look at the doors where a tall, blonde woman stood on the arm of a red-haired man. The room broke into furious whispers.

Beside him, a lady—Mrs Evans, perhaps?—tittered with a companion. "My George said she is not even legally adopted, you know? You don't stand that close to your godfather." This was meant to be a whisper but her voice was too nasally, the words carried over the room and people shared alarmed looks as the object of this conversation walked towards them. The woman kept talking, entirely unaware, "I could never countenance the very thought that she is to inherit a trade empire. All of her dowry will not find her a suitor if she acts like a man."

Miss Sardothein stopped in front of them. "My dear Mrs Evans! I am so grateful for your concern for my marriage prospects." Both ladies tilted his head curiously. She pressed on. "You of all people will understand the importance of caution, I am certain." Her back was towards him but he heard the smile on her face as she spoke. "Is dear Mr Evans' gout any better now?"

James choked on his drink and sputtered. Fenrys winked at him from across the room.

Mrs Evans' face turned red.

Lady Perrington jumped to her friend's rescue. "Miss Sardothein, why, it is such a surprise to see you here! Lady Stanhope has certainly been," here, she pursed her lips and then, commented in a suggestive tone, "liberal in her choice of guests. Your godfather," she nodded towards that gentleman, "is in trade, I hear. Pray, what kind of trade, can you tell?" The guests had all abandoned their own conversations in favour of eavesdropping on this one. Lord Stanhope looked torn between amusement and alarm while his wife openly and unattractively gaped at the spectacle.

Miss Sardothein lifted a hand to dismiss the enquiry. "Oh, I can never talk business on social events but you may ask your husband at your leisure. Lord Perrington regularly invests in many of our ventures." Though the lady's back was turned to him, her voice was fierce.

"Such a devious creature," a familiar voice remarked.

Rowan greeted his cousin with a nod before fixing his eyes back on the drama unfolding in front of them.

Lady Perrington was looking around in search of allies among the onlookers but when no one stepped forward, she inclined her head, her face colored. "Indeed, I shall," she said and hastily excused herself.

Mrs Evans followed suit, eyes firmly on the floor and James almost felt sorry for them. Almost.

Before his apparent sister—how he scoffed at that notion—could turn, Rowan approached at her side. It was rare indeed that the dour man approached anyone first and never so readily. The novelty of that alone occupied his attention.

"Miss Sardothein." He bowed.

She curtsied with a smile. "Mr Whitethorn." Another man approached with a lady on his arm. "Lord Fenrys! I did not know you would be in attendance."

Lord Fenrys bowed over her hand. "I came as soon as I heard you were attending." She laughed at the gallantry—a sweet, tinkling laugh that caught his attention and he again ignored his heart's nagging— and he turned to introduce his companion. "Allow me to introduce my cousin, Mr Rowan Whitethorn of Harcomb, Doranelle and his wife, Mrs Lyria Whitethorn." Fenrys' dark eyes glinted and he smiled charmingly, letting a loose lock of hair fall on his forehead.

"I have already met Mr Whitethorn." Celaena smiled at the woman, then with a less pleasant expression towards the woman. "Mrs Whitethorn, it's a pleasure to meet you."

James had met Mrs Whitethorn barely once or twice in his life and only in passing. He had expected a genial creature, if perhaps a little reserved like her husband but she looked like a simpleton.

Though the fabric of her clothes was expensive and the stitching perfect, but the colour was dull and did no favours to her sallow complexion. Her neck remained unadorned and she wore no necklaces, bracelets or earrings, a fact made more pronounced by the tight modest bun she wore her dark hair in. By her appearance, she seemed more suited to a nunnery than to a fancy dinner party as the wife of a gentleman of rank. She exchanged curtsies and shared greetings but otherwise showed no inclination to converse and hastily excused herself as soon as was polite.

Rowan stood where he was, brooding, stiff as a board when the tradesman's daughter addressed him. "I thought you would be happy here, at least, for you detest balls but you are scowling still."

Rowan said stiffly, "I detest social events."

"Even when you don't have to dance?"

"Even then."

"I should like to hear why."

"I doubt you would understand."

"Come now, sir," said she smilingly, "Do not insult my intelligence by assuming that. Tell me and I might."

"It is not that. I—I do not—you will laugh but I hardly ever know what to say and often give offense where it is not intended." He turned to her. "You cannot have any such problem."

She arched an eyebrow in question.

He said, "You are too lively and charming, you could not possibly manage it."

"And people are too apt to forgive a pretty face in general," she agreed.

His lips twitched. "You claimed you were not a fan of convention earlier but I see you have no love for modesty either."

"For false modesty, I do not. I freely acknowledge vanity to be my chief sin." Then, she paused, "Your wife is, she is terribly shy, I think, but I hope you will not trouble yourself so much on her manner."

"I would say she is more unwilling than shy," said he with uncharacteristic openness. "I hope you were not offended."

"Oh, not at all—"

"Dear cousin," an enthusiastic voice cut through the din of polite conversation in the room, "You must stop monopolizing the lady's time. There is someone I should like to introduce her to—James. James, man, she's here, look. Allow me to present my favourite cousin, Mr James Galathynius of Graceview, Orynth."

James turned to them and bowed politely as she turned.

Then his face paled.

"Aelin." He forced a smile. "Forgive me, that is, you look exceedingly like—"

"Like five-year-old Miss Galathynius? So I've been told before," said she good humoredly.

James blinked disbelievingly. His vision blurred. Blonde hair. Ashryver eyes—that damning feature he thought Fenrys had been exaggerating about and the button nose that both, Aunt Evalin and his mother had shared. His cousin, noticing his preoccupation, engaged Miss Sardothein—nay, Aelin—into animated conversation as one thought after another crashed into his mind.

Thirteen years.

Thirteen years lost in grief and regret.

Thirteen years of seperation when they should have been searching for her.

Aelin grinned triumphantly from atop the maple tree down at her brothers, cousins and friends, dress torn and muddied. Her expression had the tiniest hint of pride as she placed herself on a sturdy branch.

"You shall fall down hurt yourself if you do not climb down, Aelin!" exclaimed Elide fretfully, twisting her muslin dress in evident distress. "And then what will we do?"

"No, no, I never shall," she insisted with a pout. "I can make this my home and you may visit me whenever you would like."

"But you cannot stay up there forever! You would feel hungry," reasoned the ever-responsible Chaol, biting his lip. Barely nine-years-old, he was the first to tattle on his friends when mishaps occured between children as they often do.

"James can bring me food," she declared haughtily, pushing one braid over her shoulder.

James grinned. "And whyever should I? You never do anything for me. I will let you starve a little perhaps. It may teach you a lesson."

"May the devil take you!"

Edward, ever the polite elder brother, reprimanded, "Aelin! That is not the language we may use." He was alarmed when her eyes teared up. "I am sorry, Aelin, love, will you not please come down?"

Aelin sniffed. "You are being mean and I will never talk to you."

"But will you not calm down before our father sees you? You would be punished." He frowned when the little rascal stuck her tongue out. He added, "If you come down, I will convince father to give Mrs Norris a leave for today."

"You promise?"

Edward nodded. "A gentleman's word."

She nodded uncertainly, then looked down and whimpered. "I can't."

Edward groaned, prompting the others to snicker at his expense. He extended his hands towards the tree.

"Climb down," he said, "James or I will catch you if you fall."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "How do I know he won't let me fall?"

"You are our little sister, Aelin," Edward said resolutely, extending his hands further as James did the same. "He will never let you hurt, I promise."

"A gentleman's word?" This time, her bright eye were trained on James.

He nodded. "A gentleman's word."

But had he not broken his promise? She ended up in a tradesman's family so far from home while everyone thought her dead. A five-year-old alone in the streets of London with no family whatsoever, thought he with growing unease. How terrified she must have been! He turned towards her now.

Her eyes had always been bright and her disposition lively but it was all tempered with a quiet dignified sort of grace. She looked beautiful now, the roundness in her face gone and her sharp features accentuating that inner fire.

His little sister.

As impulsive and easy to provoke as ever and every inch the little terror he remembered, down to the sneaky smile pulling at the corner of her mouth. He blinked the tears back into his eyes.

"You would not object, would you, James?" asked Fenrys.

He startled. "Huh?"

"Miss Sardothein here expressed her interest in chess and I thought to invite her for her a game tomorrow in your house." He raised an eyebroe. "Unless you have any prior obligations?"

He did have prior obligations but he would cancel them all. "I would be pleased to have you there."

Rowan frowned, looking between the three of them as if he was missing something. "Is that not... nevermind, but perhaps you should consider bringing your mother along, Miss Sardothein, for propriety's sake?" James cursed the man for his caution. A private visit would be an ideal time to reveal all to her but not if she brought someone along.

Thankfully, she dismissed the idea herself. "I will see if I can get papa to come along but I am a tradesman's daughter, far too involved in the business myself. I am certain my reputation will not suffer for it, unless you mind." Both he and Fenrys assured her that they would not mind at all and James reiterated how sincerely pleased he would be to have her there.

"We will see how pleased you are when I make you eat your dust, Mr Galathynius," she teased with a grin.

James grinned back. "I wouldn't be so sure."

Dear Edward,

I know we are not in the habit of exchanging correspondence as brothers ought but I hope you will forgive me for the presumption. Certain events of note have taken place here recently, such that it necessitated that you be informed immediately. I have a shocking good news to impart:

Our dearest Aelin did not die in the warehouse fire. She is very much alive and well.

By some stroke of luck, cousin Fenrys came across her at a ball and you will be shocked to hear she is the sole heir to the Arobynn Hamel, currently known as Miss Sardothein. He insisted she was our cousin since his first meeting, though I refused to believe him but I met her today and there can be no doubt to her identity. Fenrys invited her to a chess match in the evening tomorrow, where we plan to disclose everything to her. Father has not been informed yet.

Make haste to London, brother.

Yours,

James

Edward Galathynius, the Viscount Milton sat in his armchair, stunned.

He had been the last person to see Aelin. He had stupidly left her alone on the estate grounds that awful day. He remembered his father's panic, his mother's disinterest and his little brother's distress. He had been thirteen years old, back home from Eton for the duration of the summer. He envied James who could look at their childhood—her childhood—with the rose-coloured veil of forgetfulness. James was four when she was born. He would not remember her first steps, her first words, the nights she spent in his bed when she escaped the nursery, her favourite haunts and mischiefs. James would be able to look at their time together without being wrecked with agony because of his grief, the guilt for his blunder, the irrational desire to have her back. James would not dream up variations of that cursed day repeatedly over the years.

"Aelin! Aelin, love, slow down, no, not there, yes, gods, Aelin!" Edward shouted behind her. "Your frock! You look wild—no, stop that, Mrs Norris will faint of horror if you are any more muddied."

Aelin stepped into one mud puddle after another. She sent dirt flying back at her proper, dignified elder brother who pinched his nose in distaste. "Now we are both muddied," said she, grinning over her shoulder. "You can tell her that we didn't see the mud and both slipped."

"And lie to her?" He looked horrified.

Aelin tilted her head, fussing over her hair matted with mud. "Is it a lie if we do it for the greater good?"

"The greater good?"

Aelin nodded, pleased with herself. "Of not letting her faint. She is so thin, I sometimes fear a strong gust of wind will blow her away."

She ran further, bursting into giggles every few minutes and by now, had both of them looking no less than two street urchins. He tried to be stern with her but it was awfully hard to remain angry at someone so determined not to pay attention to a word. He knew better than to scold her, lest she summon her tears. That never failed to make him comply with whatever she asked.

"Aelin, there's a hole there, be careful. Stop running, will you—Aelin!" It was too late.

Her right hand gripped her ankle while the other was on her mouth in a poor attempt to stifle her sob.

Edward frowned as she whimpered in pain. "I told you not to run, no, no, don't cry, darling, it will be fine. I shall call for someone." They had been out on the grounds for a while now and the manor house was far away. She was too heavy for him to carry so far and he did not want to hurt her further.

He patted her cheek affectionately. "There, now, you are a brave girl, and I need you to wait right here. I will run back to the manor and bring help, yes?"

She promised she would not and he hurried back to the house.

The rest of the day remained hazy in his memories. He had arrived back at the spot with his father, a growing sense of dread in the pit of his stomach to find her gone. Search parties were organised and the merchants, locals and servants were all on alert for the beloved little spitfire. Day faded into night, then night into dawn when an express rider came with a letter from the magistrate and his father left the house in haste. He had chanced a look at his father's letter, his concern for her too great to worry about the impropriety of reading another's letter without permission. The contents read:

Dear sir,

I am afraid I have sad tidings to depart. One of the warehouses outside the town had caught fire the previous night and two lives were lost as far as we can determine. The first—a grown man, in his thirties or forties, has been determined as a local thief—and the second, a little girl, perhaps five or six years old. Her identity has not been confirmed but we retrieved a silver anklet among the remains. I beg for your assistance in identifying the girl's family. Do come as soon as you can.

Yours

Sir Arthur Renard

His heart pounded too loud in his ears. He felt hot and cold at once. He knew why only one ankle was retrieved from the corpse, because he had the other. It had fallen off her leg earlier that day and he had retrieved it with the intention to fix the loose lock on it.

His knees buckled.

"What happened?" James asked.

Edward shook his head, about to tell him not to worry. His words choked up in his throat and he excused himself from company, pale and ashen, his head throbbing. He ran up the stairs to his room, dismissed his valet for the night and slumped onto bed. The same bed he had shared with her on nights when she was spooked by thunder or some horror story Fenrys had related to her earlier that day.

Edward had left her there alone.

He buried his face in the pillow and wept.

Rhoe withdrew into himself after the funeral. Edward found comfort back at university, where no one or nothing would remind him of his loss, where he could avoid his guilt and pain.

Then mother died.

The summer visits to family became rarer and rarer. Father never insisted, retiring into his library, the one place where her presence was most patent and he was all too happy to remain where he was. The distance increased after he left university. His father preferred James' company, who was lively and good-humored and as James preferred the society to be found in London, they made the townhouse their home while Edward ran their country estates.

But now,

She is very much alive and well. His heart would not be satisfied.

He ordered for his horse to be saddled and riding gear prepared. The best of the family suites were to be prepared and aired out. She was alive and well, and soon, she would be back home.

Feeling happier than he had in months, Edward Galathynius spurred his horse onwards, fast as he could, to London.

I know I was supposed to update Cinders first but my brain insisted on rebelling and this is what happened. I will update that one soon tho, and I think you'll like it. 💖

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[chaos-of-the-abyss]

Why Dany’s Motivation for Abolishing Slavery is Not “Condescending Compassion”

Anon: Someone I know irl keeps who’s a Dany anti keeps saying that they don’t like Dany because she has “condescending compassion” for the slaves she freed. I really want to argue back because I know they’re wrong, but I can’t articulate why. Could you give me an example of what condescending compassion really is, and explain why that’s not what Dany is showing?

Whew, it’s been a while since I got an ask about Dany, but I’m always open to defend her. This one was long and interesting for me, so I put it in post form rather than just answering the ask. I hope you don’t mind, anon. 

Dany’s attitude towards the freedmen and the slaves she wants to free in the future is far from “condescending compassion.”

“Condescending Compassion is when a person feels magnanimous enough not to hold someone's 'faults' against them openly. They can't help being a commoner, idiot, mutant or simply wrong so it would be rude to treat them badly because of it. Instead, they resort to the much better idea that they should be sympathetic or even friendly to that lesser being, but of course, they won't really take them seriously.”

Source

This is not what Dany does. Here’s an actual example of condescending compassion. Under the cut for length and Fate/Grand Order spoilers, even though I really don’t think any of my followers know about or play it except for my constant spamming. Also, I will warn you that I ended up talking more about Fate/Grand Order than Dany because I was trying to explain the example, so... sorry about that. Also I got carried away

Someone who really exhibits a serious case of condescending compassion would be Goetia, the main antagonist of Fate/Grand Order Arc 1: Observer on Timeless Temple. Goetia is one of the seven Evils of Humanity, the Sin of Pity, which is, in essence, the embodiment of condescending compassion. To explain: 

Goetia was essentially the collective consciousness of the 72 Demon God Pillars, who were familiars of King Solomon, the founder of magecraft. Solomon made a spell to manifest said collective consciousness as Goetia, so the Demon God Pillars could continue to protect humanity after his death.

As Solomon’s familiar, Goetia shared Solomon’s ability of Clairvoyance, which, in Solomon’s case, enabled him to see all of the past and all of the future. Over time, Goetia became enraged that Solomon refused to do anything about the constant death and suffering of humanity despite being an extremely powerful mage who could see all the hardships that had occurred and were in store (thanks to his Clairvoyance). Thus, after Solomon’s death, Goetia possessed Solomon’s corpse, obtaining the majority of his powers as well as nine of the ten rings given to Solomon by God, which was the source of a good bit of Solomon’s abilities. The tenth ring, however, was sent into the future by Solomon on God’s command, so Goetia wasn’t able to obtain it. That’s an important plot point for later.

Goetia waited until modern day (2018 I think?) and then used measures he had put in place to wipe out all of humanity. Not just the humans living in the present, but all of the humans who had lived in the past were killed, too. So think of it as everyone who exists, ever existed, or will exist, dead. The only survivors were the protagonists of Fate/Grand Order. 

After incinerating humanity, Goetia planned to convert all of the destroyed mankind into magical energy, which he would then use to travel back in time to the planet’s creation. He wanted to start Earth all over again and establish a new humanity. However, this new humanity would be different from the old humanity; they would be unchanging, deathless organisms with no biological or emotional flaws, much like Goetia himself. 

The thing is, Goetia loved humanity in his own way and wanted what he thought was best for them. It essentially goes like this: Humans know so little, while his knowledge, through his Clairvoyance, borders on omniscience. Humans turn on and hurt each other for their own self-interest, while he is capable of thinking and acting on a much wider scale. Humans have to die eventually, unlike him who’s immortal, and so everything that every single human ever did, in Goetia’s mind, was for nothing. Why would it have meaning, if their only possible option is to die eventually? 

Poor things, right? He has to help them. They came out wrong. They’re so weak and hopeless, so he’s going to destroy their existence and their history and create them anew, the right way. (Aka his way.)

The way he loves humanity is belittling. No one wants help from someone who thinks of them like that. This quote is a pretty good summation of his love for humanity, borne of a legitimate case of condescending compassion.

“Do you think being forced to watch the lives of humans is an interesting task, one worthy of me!? I’m sick of it! No matter what happens, they just disappear, and only fear remains! Every human’s life is a story of hate and despair! It’s a terrible thing to watch!”

He invalidates all of humanity’s struggles, every single human’s life, because he’s not human himself. It’s not true that death means that everything that one ever does is pointless, but Goetia, being an immortal being unfamiliar with the concept of death, someone who doesn’t have to worry about an end ever coming to him, doesn’t understand that (for now). This is displayed in the multiple times he asks the protagonist and Mash, the deuteragonist, why. Why do they keep fighting, knowing that they can’t beat him? Even if they somehow could – why do they keep fighting, knowing that they’ll all die one day? Why do they keep fighting, when it’s so pointless?

But then, the basis of Goetia’s immortality is destroyed when Solomon reappears, having actually been one of the protagonist’s main allies disguised as a doctor. Remember that tenth ring that Solomon sent to the future under God’s instruction? Although Goetia has the majority of Solomon’s powers now that he possesses his corpse and the remaining nine rings, the tenth ring was something he never obtained. As it turns out, the real Solomon retrieved that ring, which was used as a catalyst to summon him, when he manifested in the modern era. 

Solomon now uses the power of the gathered ten rings to perform his trump card – The Time of Parting Hath Come, I Am He Who Surrenders the World: Ars Nova – to return all of the powers God gave him back to God. In essence, he “closes the curtain” on himself, everything he has ever done, and everything he’s ever created, including Goetia. Ars Nova removes Solomon entirely from existence (rip), but it also removes Goetia’s immortality, and then the protagonist manages to land a fatal blow on him.

A little before Solomon uses Ars Nova and vanishes, he explains to Goetia why he didn’t try to change humanity the way Goetia did, despite seeing all of the past and future and consequently being exposed over and over again to how inevitable humans’ deaths were. 

“That’s what you fail to understand, Goetia. Of course nothing is eternal, and pain awaits us all in the end. But that doesn’t make life a story of despair. Not at all. It’s a fight against death and separation in what precious little time one is given. It’s a repetition of meeting and parting, despite knowing there’s an end. ...Humans’ stories are dazzling, brief journeys, like the twinkling of the stars. They are stories of love and hope.”

At first, when he was still immortal, Goetia refused this logic, saying that it’s “deception” on Solomon’s part. Now, though, with Solomon having used Ars Nova and the protagonist having landed a fatal blow, Goetia is dying. For the first time, he’s confronted with the possibility of an end to his existence. He has no way, absolutely no means, to prevent his death now. Yet, when the protagonist attempts to escape the now-crumbling dimension in which Goetia made his temple, Goetia says this. (And I cut out a lot, because this is a long-ass monologue.)

“We finally understand each other. I’m not going to let you leave alive. You will die here with me. ...My dream is in ruins. Everything I did here in this temple, all the time I spent planning... All of it, for naught. [...] No matter what I do here, now, I cannot redeem my failure. Killing you will change nothing. ...This is a meaningless battle. This would have been an unthinkable choice for me before. But...

...Yes, indeed. I also have my pride. Or rather, I do now. I now understand human mentality. Now that I have a limited, mortal life, I finally understand. [...] My name is Goetia. I am the one who used humanity to destroy humanity. The one who strove for what lay beyond. A climax with no one around. ...I strove for an empty wish that none truly wanted. I am born now and I shall perish now. This battle may be without resolution or reward, but I shall put my entire being on the line to crush you. ...My sworn enemy. My hatred. My destiny. I want you to witness this. This brief moment is now my story. This brief but precious time has given the creature called Goetia true life.”

This quote is so poignant. Although Goetia attempts to pull a “taking you with me” on the protagonist, this is a rare example of the trope that is not meant to paint the villain in a final negative light, as a petty sore loser. Rather, it’s an indication that Goetia finally understands Solomon’s view on humanity, why humans strive so hard despite their lives being so short, and why the protagonist and Mash put their everything into fighting him despite knowing that they’ll inevitably die no matter what the outcome is. Humans’ time on earth is, in Goetia’s own words, “brief but precious.” He actually echoes what Solomon said about humans’ stories being “dazzling, brief journeys”, despite having so vehemently rejected it when he was immortal.

There’s no point in Goetia killing the protagonist. Just like he once believed human life to be meaningless, it should be meaningless whether he wins or not; he’ll die no matter what, and his plans are already foiled. When he was immortal, he never would have thought like this.

But Goetia isn’t immortal now. He has a finite lifespan; in fact, he’s about to die. There’s nothing he can do to save himself. Yet, he still wants to take the protagonist down with him, simply because he “has his pride.” And what’s more? Even if he loses, he wants the protagonist to witness his end. He asks to be seen, acknowledged, and remembered, despite all his work having been for nothing.

Both of those desires are human things. Goetia now knows what it’s like to be human. His case of condescending compassion is closed; he no longer looks down on humanity, because he understands them. He empathizes with them. He experiences being human. 

But Dany? She never once looked down on the slaves she wanted to free. She doesn’t think, “Oh, poor things. They can’t possibly help themselves, not with how frail and simple they are. They’re so vulnerable, so delicate, so abused. Let me save them.” No. 

Dany always understood what it feels like to be owned. She was abused by her brother for years, with no means to protect herself from him. Then she was sold to a man more than twice her age and made into a glorified sex slave, again with no way to defend herself. She’s already experienced something very much like what the slaves she strives to free have gone through. And even though she later gains agency and power, she never forgets what being owned, being unable to fight back, is like. 

As the hours passed, the terror grew in Dany, until it was all she could do not to scream. She was afraid of the Dothraki, whose ways seemed alien and monstrous, as if they were beasts in human skins and not true men at all. She was afraid of her brother, of what he might do if she failed him. Most of all, she was afraid of what would happen tonight under the stars, when her brother gave her up to the hulking giant who sat drinking beside her with a face as still and cruel as a bronze mask.

A Game of Thrones – Daenerys II

"There speaks one who has been neither." Dany's nostrils flared. "Do you know what it is like to be sold, squire? I do. My brother sold me to Khal Drogo for the promise of a golden crown. Well, Drogo crowned him in gold, though not as he had wished, and I ... my sun-and-stars made a queen of me, but if he had been a different man, it might have been much otherwise. Do you think I have forgotten how it felt to be afraid?"

A Storm of Swords – Daenerys II

Safe. The word made Dany's eyes fill up with tears. "I want to keep you safe." Missandei was only a child. With her, she felt as if she could be a child too. "No one ever kept me safe when I was little. Well, Ser Willem did, but then he died, and Viserys … I want to protect you but … it is so hard. To be strong. I don't always know what I should do. I must know, though. I am all they have. I am the queen … the … the …"

A Dance with Dragons – Daenerys II

More than anything else, Daenerys always understood that her brother sold her as a bargaining chip – his own sister, and he uses her like some animal hide to trade off. She understood that she could do nothing to defend herself when she was with Viserys, and later, with Drogo. If they wanted to hurt her, no one would have stood up for her, no one would have protected her, and if she tried to protect herself, she would have been punished. She was in the same position as an object; no rights and no guarantees of basic decency. Dany experienced that fear and dehumanization firsthand. She empathizes with the slaves she wants to free in the way that Goetia, only at the end of his life, empathized with humans.

That’s why she wants to abolish slavery. She went through that horror firsthand, and she doesn’t want anyone else to have to go through it again. She wants to protect people from it, because she knows how awful and disgusting and traumatic it is. 

TLDR: It’s a complete and gross mischaracterization to write off Dany’s motivations for abolishing slavery as “condescending compassion”. It’s spitting on everything that she suffered from Viserys and from Drogo. It’s empathy, not condescending compassion, that motivates her. 

[leporellian]

how i would rewrite warrior cats: into the wild

rewriting the entire series is a big Thing in the warrior cats fandom, and i don’t have the time to do that. however i have been having Ideas about what i would do if i rewrote the books, and the changes are... drastic, to say the least, so i figured i would write them down in a bullet-point style List Thing to see what happens.

- we open on henry, an old wise sage-type kittypet, telling two kittypet kits- rusty and smudge- about the forest cats and their legends, primarily that of how the clans were born

- there were always little groups of cats in the forest, and they were originally very hostile- except for a lush spot full of prey, herbs, just about anything needed for survival. this spot has had many names and is referred to by a different name for each clan but universally, it’s called fourtrees, because there are four grand oaks that guard the area. this spot was something of a truce area where all the groups could get along

- however tension slowly boiled throughout the forest until there was a massive war at fourtrees. lots of cats dead and even more wounded. their spirits joined together to form starclan, who told the cats to unite or die- and as punishment for breaking the fourtrees truce, they set the whole thing ablaze. it’s no longer the survival spot it was

- however, the spirits say, the four oaks will grow from their charred remains again, as will the rest of the area. everything will be as it once was in time. starclan themselves cannot last, and must be reborn every 600 moons (or some other large number) from the midst of celestial battle. however, every time this happens, the spirits say, the coming of the ‘end of the stars’ will always and only be heralded by a heroic cat in a flame-orange coat, as a nod to the fire that started the clans to begin with. so it’s kind of like an avatar thing

- anyway 6 moons later there’s a battle at sunningrocks that kills redtail and oakheart. bluestar and spottedleaf, while discussing who will replace redtail, see a comet across the sky

- every falling star means a warrior has faded in starclan, and it means they are to be reborn- and something wonderful is on the cusp of beginning, says spottedleaf. spottedleaf also notes that according to the calendar system kept by the medicine cats the ‘fire alone’ cat should have arrived about 6 months ago, so everyone’s worried about what’s going on w/ that, Where Are They. she does note however that a lot of cats think the calendar had a miscalculation at some point and that the ‘fire alone’ cat is shadowclan’s new leader

- anyway rusty, the kittypet, decides to enter the forest. the twoleg nests here are Not A Good Place for cats to live, bc there’s constant fighting between the kittypets and everyone has their own boundaries and it’s very chaotic. there is a group that tries to monitor it called the blood brothers, but they’re usually in the city so their guidance isn’t often There. so both rusty and smudge want to Get Out and join the clans

- like in the original books he meets graypaw, who’s always interested in outsiders, and then bluestar, lionheart, and tigerclaw. lionheart is graypaw’s mentor, bluestar is thunderclan’s leader, and tigerclaw is bluestar’s nephew who is kindly yet determined, and has become deputy after redtail’s demise. again like in the originals he’s accepted into thunderclan fast

- smudge feels Betrayed. for some reason the writing takes special note of the glimmer in his striped collar- it’s all kind of colors, purple, red, blue, yellow. it’s very distinctive...

- next morning, lionheart and tigerclaw lead rusty to the thunderclan camp. all is well and good until longpaw and sandpaw roll up

- longpaw and sandpaw are twins and look exactly alike. they’re also the children of redtail and are both very competitive with everyone and each other (although they are very close) because they want to be Like Their Dad. both are taking redtail’s death hard

- longpaw is like ‘i wanna beat him up’ and given these are two 10 year olds basically everyone’s like ‘well rusty can fight too so Bet.’ it’s an even fight, longpaw gets his ear torn and rusty gets his collar ripped off

- this fight proves rusty is capable of being in thunderclan, and he’s renamed firepaw, which is a nod to the ‘fire alone’ thing as a ‘hey isn’t it funny he came right after the clock lined up for a fire-cloaked savior? strange lol’

- anyway firepaw is introduced to some Other Characters besides everyone i’ve mentioned thus far: - ravenpaw, medicine cat apprentice. he was a loner kit found abandoned on the territory and he’s constantly nervous and jittery. he’s also kind of clingy and a tad annoying because he’s constantly worried of being abandoned again, but he Is endearing - graypaw and darkpaw, twins similar to longpaw and sandpaw (although unlike them they have an ‘opposite twins’ kinda thing). both are the sons of willowpelt and a shadowclan tom, but both deal with it differently: graypaw is a dreamer who constantly is interested in cats from outside thunderclan ‘like him’, and darkpaw wants to try and overcompensate for it by being nothing but loyal- especially to his mentor, tigerclaw, who’s a father figure to him. dark isn’t mean but he is very sardonic and sarcastic, and it’s also made increasingly obvious that he Knows Something and is very nervous about it. weird - (yes, longpaw and sandpaw are annoyed that they’re the only ‘fully clan’ cats in this batch of apprentices.) - spottedleaf, thunderclan medicine cat. kind of a ditzy aunt type, it’s joked that she acts like a stoner bc she’s inhaling all the Herb Scents all day. fully enables all of the kids to do Dumb Things - the elders, who dislike all these new apprentices bc besides long and sand none of them are fully clan-blooded. the most vocal about this is thistleclaw, an elder always trying to start shit, and tigerclaw’s father (altho tiger is embarrassed by thistle’s outbursts). - and finally, cinderkit, who always tags along w/ the apprentices although she isn’t supposed to. she is however very smart and the apprentices don’t mind her tagging along. she’s made an apprentice like 1/2 way through here

- anyway at the gathering windclan is MISSING and NOBODY seems to know what is going on, but both riverclan and shadowclan are acting shady about it. 

- also brokenstar, The New ShadowClan Leader, seems like a nice guy, a Poster Boy type. his fur is bright orange so everyone’s like, ‘yea he’s the fire that’ll herald feline gottdammerung’ but nobody wants to THINK about feline gottdammerung yet because like, That’s An Upsetting Thought! it’s also noted that he’s way young for a leader

- anyway the apprentices (and cinderkit) are like. ‘we gotta know what's happening and why windclan vanished’ and everyone is involved (although sand and long keep their distance). it’s a very ‘up at midnight at a slumber party’ kind of aesthetic. everyone in shadow and river also has a motive, and at points there’s even evidence that something caused windclan to die out. lots of red herrings

- eventually yellowfang comes into the picture like she does in canon and they figure out shadowclan drove windclan out and that windclan is Alive and Out There somewhere. the evidence is enough that spottedleaf and tigerclaw (who's like the Cool Resident Dad) agree about it and so a spy patrol is sent to sneak in on shadowclan

- anyway everyone discovers how fucked up shadowclan is behind the curtain (what with the elder abuse and child warfare) and is like ‘holy shit we gotta stop these guys’ so there’s a big fight like in the original book and brokenstar is dethroned like he is in canon and brought to thunderclan

- thunderclan saves the day, yellowfang joins spottedleaf in the med cat den, and the apprentices all get names (save ravenpaw who’s a med cat apprentice)- firepaw is fireheart, graypaw is graystripe, darkpaw is darkstripe, longpaw is longtail (in honor of redtail), and sandpaw is sandstorm. it’s noted darkstripe looks super uncomfortable when tigerclaw is mentioned to be deputy. long and sand have a humorous argument abt their names and who got the Cooler One 

- however everyone’s like ‘ok so brokenstar wasn’t the Fire Savior so who IS’ and fire is dismissed out of hand bc he’s a kittypet and all the past fire saviors was clanborn. ravenpaw however tells fireheart in private that he believes fireheart is the Fire Alone, and that Shit Is About To Go The Fuck Down

- meanwhile, darkstripe asks if he can see fireheart alone, and fireheart obliges. darkstripe sits down and, very quietly, says ‘i have to tell you about what happened to redtail.’

- and it ends there lol that’s book one.

[llewey-watts]

Work in progress post:

Detective Watts Best Quotes

Concocting A Killer

Watts: “Ah, so you’re the one who botched it.” Murdoch: “Excuse me?”

Watts: “Well, that’s why I’m here, isn’t it?”

Brackenreid: “Listen, Detective Murdoch did nothing wrong. The Crown is just worried that Shanley may claim prejudice if the same detective reinvestigates the case.”

Watts: “Right, right, right. You’re just biased. The coroner’s the one who botched it. Coroners. Odd lot. Far from reliable to say the least. Not to mention the smell.”

Murdoch: “Our coroner has a flawless record. And she also happens to be my wife.”

Watts: “Good God, man. You’re married to the city coroner?”

Murdoch: “Yes.”

Watts: “Oof. Is she pretty? Ah, she’d have to be pretty. I don’t know how else you could tolerate being married to a colleague.”

“The streets of this fine city are my office.”

Crabtree: “Should I read these files?”

Watts: “Absolutely not. The less you know, the more pure you remain. From purity emerges truth. From truth emerges justice. Knowing nothing allows one to see everything.”

“Our mind is where we live our lives. The only home one needs is the human skull.”

Watts: “Oh, no. You interviewed a witness?”

Murdoch: “Oh, no. She called on me.”

Watts: “Your involvement was to cease entirely. Instead, it appears you are continuing to seek a conviction. And based on what? A visual test done 12 years ago by a neophyte coroner?”

Murdoch: “Dr. Ogden is my wife.”

Watts: “Which makes it all the more likely you’re blind to her mistakes. No, it appears this dinner was a poor idea. Good night Detective.”

Watts: “The detective was wrong.”

Ogden: “About what?”

Watts: “You’re not pretty.”

Ogden: “Excuse me?”

Watts: “Look at you. Classic, Romanesque bone structure, excellent physiognomic symmetry. You’re not pretty. You’re beautiful.”

Ogden: “Well, I suppose I’m flattered.”

Watts: “Why? It’s merely an objective assessment. But that necktie **shakes his head**.

“Honestly, Inspector, how does anyone work with this man? He is some kind of renegade to whom rules are a foreign concept.”

“Let’s suppose for a moment that Mr. Shanley is guilty of this current murder. Now, does that make him more or less likely to be guilty of the first? Are you the same man today you were yesterday? Your hair is not the same. You cut and discarded it. Same with your fingernails. Over time, our entire body falls away and is reconstituted. How, then, can you be the same? Oh, but our thinking changes with maturity, with experience. In truth, the continuity of personhood may be nothing more than a delusion. In fact, it makes me question our whole profession..."

“We need to get out of doors detective. The truth is in the air. We must **deep breath** breathe it in.”

“We both know you didn’t do it. — We have to blame someone. The function of the police is to attribute blame on behalf of the community, but the community doesn’t particularly care if we blame the right person. — Why not? Man has been using scapegoats since Leviticus. The sims were placed upon the goat, the goat was banished to the desert, but mo one cared that the goat was innocent.”

“The ignorami at Station One have done it again. I clearly told them to release the man who looks like Karl Marx. They’ve let out some fellow who’s as clean-shaven as bloody Kierkegaard.”

Hades Hath No Fury

“How could I have been so unaware? My sister was in distress, and I suspected nothing. Age is no excuse for inattention. -but, sir, you found her. Your sister’s alive.- Yes. So I’m at peace.”

“Yes. Well life is but a cruel sport for whatever maker you are forced to believe in. -Detective Watts I understand...- Would your sister forsake you for a house of women who have eschewed the world in which you live?-my sister was a nun.-“

“Truth is absolute, unyielding and eternal, Jackson. It is our one constant in a turbulent universe.”

“Your face is *pause* symmetrical, but that hat *shakes his head*”

Merlot Mysteries

Watts: “Wine is proof that God loves us and wants to see us happy.”

Murdoch: “I highly doubt that”

Watts: “Oh, you reject the words of Benjamin Franklin?”

Murdoch: “Even a clever man is capable of a bad idea. no. wine, like any alcohol, is a depressant. It hinders the mind.”

Watts: “Ah, but ‘in wine there is truth.’ -Pliny the Elder.”

Murdoch: “Writers and Philosophers are seldom the best of judges. Especially when it comes to alcohol.

Watts: “Well, no one less than Louis Pasteur called wine, ‘the most helpful and most hygienic of beverages.’ Is it that you don’t enjoy the taste?”

Murdoch: “Ah.”

“Oh. Wait right there. I’m going to show you how wrong you are.”

“‘Wine can of their wits the wise beguile, make the sage frolic, and a serious smile.’”

“In the words of Diogenes, ‘What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others.’”

Murdoch: “Spectroscopic analysis.”

Watts: “Ah, yes. Not reliable in my experience. How’s it meant to help us?”

Murdoch: “By comparing the wine in question to the light profile of other varying ages, we’ll be able to discern precisely how old it is.”

Ogden: “The older the wine, presumably, the light the color, thanks to the blanching effect of sunlight.”

Watts: “Mm, but it was kept in a cellar. Depending on conditions, two bottles of the same provenance could be wildly different. There’s absolutely to way to determine —“

Murdoch: “Thank you, Detective. Please.”

Watts: “All right.”

Ogden: “Ready?”

Murdoch: “Yes.”

Ogden: “It’s 4.3.”

**Watts waiting + messing around.**

Ogden: “It’s 5.2. 8.5.”

Watts: “Well?”

Murdoch: “[Sighs] They are all different.”

Watts: “Really?”

Murdoch: “Every grape, every year, every bottle.”

Watts: “Hm, you don’t say.”

Murdoch: “It compares to an 1880 Merlot...a 1902 Tempranillo...and...several others.”

Ogden: “Well, I suppose you told us so, Detective.”

Murdoch: “All right. Call in your expert.”

Watts: “Uh, not my expert. My sommelier.”

The Talking Dead

“No one intends to get murder **scratches his beard** and yet.”

Crabtree: “Sir, are you not concerned that you yourself are marked for death?”

Watts: “Oh, I don’y like it, but the truth is death could come to any one of us any day.”

Crabtree: “Still, no need to hurry it along.”

Watts: “Well, very little of life is under our control. Very little death as well.”

Crabtree: “Watts, have you ever been to Paris?”

Watts: “Ah yes, The City of Light.”

Crabtree: “I thought that was Buffalo?”

Watts: “No, I believe Paris came up with it first. Why do you ask?”

Crabtree: “Nina’s involved with a show that’s preforming there. She wants me to go.”

Watts: “Forever?”

Crabtree: “No, no, just a short while.”

Watts: “Well, the world is only an oyster if you choose to open it.”

Crabtree: “So go to Paris today, for tomorrow I might die?”

Watts: “Precisely.”

Crabtree: “What about you? What would you do with your last day?”

Watts: “Just this. Talk to a friend.”

Crabtree: “Who? Oh me?”

Watts: “And solve a crime.This is what were looking for.”

Crabtree: “Brilliant.”

Watts: “The City of Love with a beautiful woman. You’d be a fool to say no.”

Crabtree: “Thought you said it was the City of Light.”

Watts: “Light. Love. Are they not one and the same?”

Crabtree: “I prefer to love with the lights off, sir. I fear I’m bashful.”

Crabtree à la Carte

“A shame. It looks terrific. I think I’ll go out for lunch. Anyone care to join me? —- This disappoints me. But I soldier on.”

“I’ll work with her. People are not to be defined merely by their words, thoughts, and actions.”

“KRRRKRRRKRRRSHING SHING SHING SHING SHING! a moleta.”

“[speaking Italian] RESPONDA TO ME!”

That man’s look tho.

Watts: “It may once again be safe, but I’m not sure I’ll ever regard meat with the same enthusiasm again.”

Cherry: “Perhaps you should stick to freshly butchered cuts.”

Watts: “I thought the same. Then I read up on the abattoir conditions in the stockyards.”

Cherry: “The Shelleys subscribed to a Pythagorean diet. Da Vinci too.”

Watts: “Pythagorean? You mean vegetarian?”

Cherry: “I do. ‘My body,’ said da Vinci, ‘will not be a tomb to other creatures.’”

Watts: “Yes. Yes, it’s the only way to live, isn’t it? Join me, Miss Cherry. From this day forward, we shall follow the ranks of all moral men in our strict adherence to vegetarianism.”

Cherry: “Uh, I don’t think so. What, are we cows?”

Murdoch Schmurdoch

“Are you being facetious?”

“**To Constable John Brackenreid** Let me guess, you invited a lady to accompany you on an outing and she declined. — I would counsel you to persevere. Ask again. As Lord Nelson wrote, ‘the boldest measures are the safest,’ although I suppose a woman is quite unlike a Danish Fleet. — Yes. Tread softly, Young Brackenreid. Let her know that if her inclination changes, your offer still stands.”

Game of Kings

Ogden: “I see. Well, I don’t much fancy being stared at for the next five months.”

Murdoch: “Julia...”

Ogden: “Inspector, I couldn’t help but notice that you and all of the men were staring at the us both. Is there something you’d like to ask?”

Brackenreid: “Uh, no.”

Ogden: “Constable Crabtree?”

Crabtree: “What? [Chuckles]”

Ogden: “Higgins?”

Higgins: “No, ma’am.”

Ogden: “What about you, Detective Watts? You seem like a curious fellow.”

Watts: “Well, there is one thing.”

Murdoch: “What is that?”

Watts: “When’s the baby coming?”

Crabtree: “Oh!”

Brackenreid: “Bloody hell, Watts! They wanted to keep it a secret.”

Watts: “How could they do that when everyone clearly knows what’s going on here?”

Free Falling

Watts: “One hopes this won’t put too much of a strain on their relationship.”

Crabtree: “How so?”

Watts: “In the face of great loss, emotions can be misdirected. Feelings amplified. I knew a young couple who experienced a similar issue. They never recovered.”

Watts: “The secret to dealing with gruesome remains is to replace natural instinct with logic.”

Constable Brackenreid: “Okay. How?”

Watts: “Consider an ant. Imagine you trod upon one, crushing it, and leaving it’s body mangled beyond recognition. Now, does this disturb you?”

Constable Brackenreid: “Not really.”

Watts: “Exactly. So we simply apply the transitive law. If we are not disturbed by an ant, there is no reason to be disturbed by a beetle. If not by a beetle, then not by a caterpillar. Nor a butterfly, nor a sparrow, nor a fish, nor a rabbit, not a dog...nor a human. What we have here, then, is no more disturbing than the squashed remains of an ant.”

Hart: “What’s this?”

Watts: “A reminder of the inhumanity of man, Miss Hart.”

Hart: “How poetic.”

Watts: “Constable? It seems something’s troubling you.”

Crabtree: “How so?”

Watts: “There’s an expression on your face that suggests you have a thought in your head.”

Crabtree: “Do you remember I asked you about visiting Paris?”

Watts: “No.”

Crabtree: “And then I was away for some time?”

Watts: “No.”

Crabtree: “No. Well, in any case, I did. I went to Paris with Nina.”

Watts: “Mm.”

Crabtree: “And she wants to go again, but for good.”

Watts: “So you’re considering leaving us all behind?”

Crabtree: “I don’t want to. My whole life is here. But I could imagine a life there. I don’t know. If I...If I don’t go, I lose Nina. If I do, I lose everything else that’s dear to me.”

Watts: “One loss doesn’t outweigh the other?”

Crabtree: “The enormity of either seems too great to contemplate.”

Watts: “Oof. Well...I can’t give you any advice. But I can tell you what I know. I know that we spend our whole lives holding on to what we have. We fear loss as much as death itself. But without loss, there is no change. Without change, there is no? Life.”

Crabtree: “Detective. You realize there’s nothing written on the blackboard, right?”

Watts: “Uh, yes, but it provides a frame of reference.”

Crabtree: “Ah.”

Brothers Keepers

“Of course I’m not certain. Memories are fragmentary impressions at best. The mind moves like a flock of starlings. It’s hard to pin down a thought, let alone a memory.”

“Did I have reason? Nigel Baker tortured and killed a man I...A man who was in every way my brother. Someone who deserved my protection. I had ample reason to kill Nigel Baker. But as I have already made clear, I didn’t recognize him. So did I kill him with intention? No. Am I sorry he’s dead? No, I’m not. To be honest, even if given the chance to exact my revenge, I’m not sure I’m capable of it. Obviously, my philosophy rejects that very idea. No one asks to be the way they are, not even boys like Nigel Baker.”

In reference to justice being found:

Watts: “Where is that to be found? I’ve been asking myself that. To be honest, I’m unable to think of much else.

Murdoch: “You seek justice.”

Watts: “I crave it. If I could, I would demand it. I want the man who killed my brothers to feel their pain. To feel my grief at what he did to them. But he’s dead. At the hand of his father. Did he even know why? And now the father will likely hang. Is that justice?

Brackenreid: “Of a sort, I suppose.”

Watts: “Then why don’t I feel better?”

Annabella Cinderella

Constable Brackenreid: “Do you think I’ll get a chance to meet him?”

Crabtree: “Who? The lawyer? What do you want to meet him for?”

Constable Brackenreid: “I-I followed the trial. I felt sorry for her.”

Crabtree: “John, she killed her mother with an ax.”

Constable Brackenreid: “Harriet Rawlins wasn’t her mother. Annabella was a home child.”

Crabtree: “So that makes it alright?”

Constable Brackenreid: “She was beaten and tortured. Her home sister admitted as much.”

Crabtree: “The home sister that Annabella then tried to murder?”

Constable Brackenreid: “Rosemary Rawlins was abusive as well.”

Watts: “That’s what made it such a brilliant defense. The victim was painted as a villain, the villain painted as a victim. Annabella Cinderella.”

Crabtree: “So you’re a fan of the lawyer as well?”

Constable Brackenreid: “He took her case for free.”

Watts: “Oh, nobody’s motives are purely altruistic. It’s all in the service of his political aspirations. He running for mayor, don’t you know?”

Crabtree: “Thank you very much, Detective Watts, for everything. You as well, Mr. Daniels.”

Constable Brackenreid: “And I’m terribly sorry about all of this.”

Watts: “Of course you’re sorry. It doesn’t change anything, so why waste energy in saying it?”

Constable Brackenreid: “Does Detective Murdoch know?”

Watts: “No, he doesn’t. And that’s not the question you should be asking right now.”

Constable Brackenreid: “Sorry, I...”

Watts: “Nope.”

Constable Brackenreid: “W-What is?”

Lawyer: “How do we find her?”

Watts: “Ah. On the train over, I went through the file from the Crown prosecutor. There’s one more person we should protect.”

Lawyer: “Who’s that?”

Watts: “The doctor who filed the death certificate and attended the case.”

Lawyer: “Dr. Beattie was never called to testify.”

Watts: “He provided evidence that helped convict her.”

Lawyer: “Good point. Let’s go.”

Watts: “No. You stay. **waves gun in the air** This is police business. All right.”

Constable Brackenreid: “I’m not saying she’s innocent. I just pointed out that there are other people who may have wanted to kill her mother.”

Watts: “Which, if they did, would ipso facto make her innocent.”

Crabtree: “Did she say she was innocent?”

Constable Brackenreid: “She did, yes.”

Watts: “‘Twas ever thus.”

Constable Brackenreid: **opens the door** “Oh, my God.”

Watts: “Still think she’s so innocent?”

Constable Brackenreid: “This is my fault.”

Crabtree: “It’s jot your fault, John.”

Watts: “Losing the prisoner was your fault. This is merely a consequence. One cannot be accountable for every consequence, because the consequences of every action are infinite.”

Constable Brackenreid: “Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

Watts: “Your feelings are irrelevant. It’s simply the truth of it.”

Crabtree: “It does confirm our fears. The girl’s out for bloody revenge.”