#it has been so weird. ive been trying to...change and grow. to be Real. to be truthful and to communicate well

[crazylittlejester]

hello jes, ohgodmypc once more :)

this is an invitation for you to yap about your headcanons around the chain because you never miss with those

i love you im trapped on a plane rn you just saved me from hell

Time: using the transformation masks so much while his child body was still growing caused some long term issues, his body is so used to being twisted out of shape and into something else that his joints don’t always want to stay in place. its not hard for him to accidentally dislocate a hip or a shoulder if he isn’t careful and he has a lot of chronic pain because of it

Warriors: i hc he looks just like his mom, like absolute SPITTING image, and sometimes thats why he stares at his reflection for so long: he misses her. She ain’t dead (per my headcanons), but War has a lot of issues with feeling like he can’t go home because the war changed him too much so he doesn’t belong there anymore. He hasn’t seen his family since he left before the war. other times he cant stand to look at himself in the mirror because he looks just like his mom and he misses her and hates himself for that

Twilight: I thought about giving a fluffy hc for him but nah, i dont think ive ever talked about this one: I hc he’s Time’s great grandson, coming from Time’s youngest child so if Twi finds LonLon in his era, he could find his great aunt or someone there. And i hc he does this after LU, and his great aunt sitting there at that ranch saw a young man approach who looked just like her father who died a fairly long time ago. Twi spent his entire life not really knowing where he came from, and he was protected and loved by Ordon and that is his HOME but i think finding and meeting Time’s daughter could be cool. idfk i explained this horribly ask me about it later when i dont feel like im in a box being shaken lmao

Sky: I’ve really enjoyed finding medical solutions in a non modern era and researching things that could be used as medicines and stuff and my hc that Sky has epilepsy has specifically been the one i’ve gotten to do this with the most. I ended up working out that Owlan, who loves plants, helped create different herb blends for Sky to try over the years that have been effective. Another hc for Sky I have is that he has the lowest voice of the chain. Does it always SOUND that way? no because when he gets excited his voice gets higher, but he has a deeper voice than all the others when he sits down and talks seriously (Time’s is more rough and flat sounding, but its not deeper than Sky’s)

Hyrule: I hc he’s not really the group medic so much the guy with the magic spells. He’s learning and ofc he has a base knowledge of stuff like any of the others, but the real medics are War (a trained field medic) and Sky (a first responder). I also hc Hyrule has a cozy little cottage and a LOT of house plants back in his era to call home :)

Legend: Yknow how bunnies sometimes sleep so hard they just go all floppy and they look dead? Thats Legend after a super long, very hard day. He just crashes and flops over and dies for a few hours. I also hc he comes off as mean or grumpy simply because he cant control his tone well. Like hes having a great time and hes thrilled to be there but sometimes he comes off really flat, and he has a hard time picking the right words to express himself

Wild: weird hc but I hc he’s like. undead. hes not alive after the shrine, he can take more damage before dying for realsies and sometimes his heart kinda stops beating for a sec and sometimes he doesn’t breathe and he gives off such weird energy he just feels Wrong. the others were all confused by him at first because he just. hes strange. but he’s very sweet and also very thrilled to be there

Four: its not that hes mature for his age (and i hc hes 16) hes just emotionally intelligent enough to know that everyone around him including himself is emotionally unstable. four can recognize they all need help. I also have a hc that Four would really like friendship bracelets with the charms on em, and i stand by this one

Wind: I hc hes a phenomenal artist, like his sketches are incredible and realistic and War once gifted him an absolutely beautiful journal and he cried. yes he has his camera but he also likes drawing the things he finds while he explores!! its fun to show his little sister and grandma when he gets back

[cimmerian1275]

hey there! Just wanted to pop in and say your art is amazing. Your anatomy is like really insane and you draw it so well with the turtles! Like how?? Your colors and Oc design and don’t get me started on your dragons. So cute.

You’re incredibly talented!! Have an amazing day/night

💖💖💖 Thankyou :D

Honestly wanna know how i draw tmnt so well? DRAGONS! xD

I explained this to a friend yesterday so i can word dump a bit here:

Ive drawn dragons in tons of weird angles/perspectives… a good 2+ years worth spent just practicing drawing drakes and dragons and creatures, and going a little crazy with challenging myself to get experience over a large range of draconic things!

SO, when i started drawing tmnt i was like... "these guys are basically a dragon, but with a shell and WAY LESS DETAIL", and i really mean WAY. LESS. DETAIL, like holy crap i never actually realized how complex dragons were until i drew a turtle and asked myself why i chose one of the most insanely complex things to draw my whole entire life. They have so many limbs, unique anatomy unlike anything IRL, i had to study cats and dogs and horses and birds and then combine that to make up something totally new just to draw ONE dragon because each one has unique anatomy 😭 when i draw dragon shoulders i get so much ptsd from that learning curve /j

Ive studied complex dragon anatomy so much that when i took a look at humanoid shoulders and drew them, they were scarily easy to draw compared to a dragons shoulders. Same goes for legs.

But oohhHHH HANDS, no ones brought it up but i love rambling about how fun it is to draw hands. You can probably tell really quick that i went with dragon-inspired hands for the tmnt, i love giving em claws >:) I draw my dragon feet like theyre just hands used for walking, and ive drawn ALLOT of them. Taking away a few fingers and giving them to a turtle was really simple C: (although i should probably try out drawing them without claws, im kinda curious if i can)

Human arms are a little harder to learn how to draw, but still incredibly similar and it hasnt been too hard to adjust to the subtle differences i need to change when i draw them.

⬆️ Im still working on drawing humanoid arms, the muscles and perspective for humanoid arms are different from what im used to so im still in the middle of that learning curve.

I actually havent been drawing tmnt long, i posted my first fanart Feb 19 this year 👀 and id never drawn a turtle before then.

Your gonna be watching in real-time as my artstyle/experience grows as i keep drawing them, but i am DEFINITELY still practicing and learning! Im hoping when i finally settle with a quality of art im happy with and ive had enough experience to feel confident enough, i really want to make tutorials for how i draw so i can share my knowledge with others <3

[zai-doodles]

In your fairy tail will Laxus be different, guy was too much of a prick to accept his change of heart or that "deep down, he's a good guy", he threatened to kill the entire city just because he had daddy issues.

i have so many opinions ive been avoiding answering this until i had time to write an essay so here you go.

So, i personally, feel like fairy tail has a really weird habit of having characters do extremely irredeemable shit, say several times that the character is enjoying what their doing, then have their character do a 180 several arcs later because after fighting fairy tail they just saw the light or some shit.

Like i was rewatching the Battle of Fairy Tail arc and lauxus is just... so awful? and the way they try to redeem him with the spell shit not working like sir he was going to kill everyone maybe we dont give him a pass?

all this to say heres how I would rewrite the battle of fairy tail:

Ok so i'd keep Laxus' resentment of Makorav over the banishment of his dad, the only thing keeping laxus in ft is knowing one day hes going to inherit the guild. He works his ass off to become as powerful as he can in order to live up to that legacy but also...

He hates it there.

Specifically, the ones who grew up in the guild (ie erza, mira, natsu, gray, etc) because he always felt like makorav embraced them more than laxus.

So he works hard and keeps his head down, picking fights more out of resentment than anything the other guild members did. I think some of the older guild members who remember Ivan are very wary of Laxus but not afraid just... keeping an eye out.

Laxus reads it as pity.

Once Laxus grows up, hes arrogant, entitled, and selfish. He puts his everything into becoming the best and surrounds himself with yes men (the thunder legion im getting to them) who boost his ego.

Then one day he overhears some fairy tail members spreading a rumor that Makorav is going to retire...

And Erza is going to become the next guild master.

And it fucking breaks something inside him.

I think Laxus resents Erza the most because its just so clear Makorav favors her over everyone. Shes so perfect and humble and honorable and...

Everything Laxus isn't.

So he sets up a plan. He's going to take the guild by force.

ok so it happens basically the same as canon right up until the end. Before the timer runs out Laxus demands Makorav hand the guild over to him before all these people get hurt.

Makorav shows up to confront laxus and instead of doing or saying anything, he just quietly walks up to laxus and stands in front of him.

Laxus starts to panic and yells about how the old man has to give up or everyone is going to die. Outside fairy tail is taking down the dome but its not enough.

Laxus grows more erratic but Makorav says nothing.

The timer runs out and nothing happens.

Laxus sighs in defeat. He's been caught.

He was bluffing.

See the plan laxus and the thunder legion made was simple, they'd prove themselves the strongest by beating the entire guild and once everyone was taken out, makorav would have no choice to hand the guild over since no one was left to stop the thunder dome.

the body link magic still hurt any attackers just to make them seem more real, but they were only really there to pressure Makorav into caving.

Laxus didnt account for his grandpa having faith in him.

However the power grab couldn't be ignored, attacking the guild and even just threatening the city leads to laxus getting banished.

The thunder legion decide to leave fairy tail but laxus forbids them from following him anymore, not feeling worthy of being their leader anymore. So the thunder legion kinda just go off on their own as a trio for the time being.

Idk if this feels lame to others but to me its better than having laxus fully believe hes going to kill everyone and go through with it (even if the spell didnt work) only to redeem him later. It just feels weird to me? idk im not a great writer but this is just my lil rewrite.

as a treat have my bickslow redesign

shhh ik its not v good im still work shopping it but this is like, my third attempt so just take it for now

[mbat]

anyway if i had it in me i would so rewrite the minecraft movie but i dont have time or motivation for something like that but genuinely, like i said in my letterboxd review, the movie had good bones but slacked on the meat.

the isekai part, i can fw heavy. the wanting escapism from a cruel world that doesnt understand you but ultimately choosing reality because you need to live your life and theres still good and people who will understand you, i can fw heavy. leaning into creativity and saying ew greediness i can also fw heavy

i think first off i would SO have made it so the real life stuff stayed in real life, and the moment they entered the overworld, it was all minecraft. and i mean minecraft, not the Ultra Shader Realism Weird Geometry version of minecraft they did. for the mc characters coming into reality? uhh fuck if i know not really my priority

and yes that all means making the characters into block people when they enter the portal. COME ON it couldve been funny! they all wouldve freaked the fuck out about it! who wouldnt!

also either they needed to cut one of the 5 main characters or work more on fleshing them out and focusing on them all a good amount. they all had a similar feeling of 'damn real life sucks and i think its great here' and that really couldve been leaned into, but i feel like it wasnt. lean into it! make them all enjoy different aspects of minecraft and then use those to come together for the final fight! steve couldve been the one who has all the knowledge and been a leader, not to mention he clearly knew his way around and knew a bunch of the citizens already! dawn couldve befriended and gathered a ton of animals! natalie couldve been great at combat! henry obviously loved the creativity of crafting and building! garrett uhhh... fuck dude idk i mean maybe they couldve had a twist where the idiot was actually great at redstone! that would be fun imo.

also a nitpick but their real life part couldve reflected things better, and especially reflect those interests if implemented! natalie could feel unheard, unseen, weak, and being powerful in this world could inspire her! dawn could find that taking care of animals when its her choice and not because its an obligation can actually be amazing! steve could use his experience from this world he felt more comfortable in to then navigate the real world, because he was allowed to grow in a world that felt right to him, and now he feels comfortable taking on a world that doesnt, but he wants to make it try to feel right anyway. garrett uhhh. idk make him go 'woahhh this is just like this one thing in this one game' and it doesnt even need to make sense it can just be silly. henry was again pretty fleshed out in that aspect actually.

also like everyone else, i actually did like the dynamic between jack and garrett, but i feel like in my version it might have to change, only because i still hold that steve shouldve been played by a brown actor because like, why are we whitewashing a cube man 😭 i dont even have a replacement, i just think its a weird choice

i think the conflict shouldve been different as well. call me boring but i wished the movie stayed closer to the game in its logic and such, and that includes the fact of the piglins in the overworld. i know they used a potion, but it just felt lame to me. also, minecraft has several boss characters! it couldve been the wither, the warden (though idk if the movie was in production before the warden was introduced? doesnt matter honestly), and the most obvious one, uh, the ender dragon!

ive ALWAYS and i mean ALWAYS loved the idea of the ender dragon being an oppressive queen over the end, having a grand castle and everything. the stories i thought of as a kid about it... it still wouldve been a similar villain to the one in the movie, but play more into how minecraft already is.

also, they had a really fun idea with the endermen making people see their insecurities and fears! that would make the stakes feel just a bit more intense! not to mention, if the army was primarily endermen, it would make them have to be super creative about how to fight them! endermen looking into your eyes makes you hallucinate and endermen can teleport, also theyre tall as fuck man. that couldve been fun as fuck!!! not to mention endermens weakness to water!!

also theres other ender creatures, even though its only a few. shulkers! endermites! i wouldnt even mind if one or two more creatures were added, cause i still think the end is a bit too bare.

also, fighting on the end island? and what if they had to search the end to find the materials needed to get back home, cause i also dont like the weird cube thing they had either lmao idk the full replacement for that but fuck dude, something. also, the tenseness of trying to not fall into the void!!!! come the fuck on!!!! dude we got to see the nether in the movie and they didnt even have a scene of anyone being scared of falling in lava. come on!!!!!

also like, this is self indulgent but if they befriended an enderman and they helped them free the end in the process, and there was a whole thing about the queens egg and raising a better future generation, and idk.

ALSO AUGH COME ON IMPLEMENT THE END POEM SOMEHOW PROBABLY. at least one line. please. MY TUMBLR TITLE HAS BEEN A LINE FROM THAT POEM FOR YEARS DAMNIT.

also i forgot to say but henry and natalie were orphans and like, they so couldve had some sortve sweet moment about that. at least one 'mom would be so proud of you right now' moment, or something like that. fuck. as someone whos mom is dead i would cry idc.

anyway this was just me spitting ideas, again if i had time and motivation i would probably go off better, but for now this was my thoughts. we coulda had it all and instead the movie adaptation of my favorite game that ive adored for most of my life was... sigh. im sad about it.

[aromanticgarbage]

h3h3 said that joji ghosted him after he got famous, ian says they don't talk anymore too. I wonder if max was the only one he was really close with or maybe they just recently reconnected.

Ok that's a tricky topic of conversation. Read more because as always i cannot shut up.

H3h3 and iddubz don't really mean anything to me outside of their old filthy frank collabs. I actually actively dislike them. Yeah you read that right. Thats why ive tried to make the fact that i am NOT running a cancer crew blog here clear. I just hate iddubz's old solo content. Seeing him beat himself up online nowadays isn't great either but by god his old stuff is so so bad (to me). Internet drama and borderline hate speech is a recipe for disaster and if he was smarter he would have seen this coming. I understand that some people like his older stuff out of nostalgia but i am not affected by this. I was not into YouTube back then. Im still not into YouTube. I only know of him and h3h3 because im obsessed with their old homie. My perspective is different, these people barely mean anything to me.

Ok now, disclaimers aside. Ethan said that joji told him not to call him filthy frank when he was talking about his music and he personally interpreted that as him being embarrassed of his past. Personally its just clear to me that what joji was asking for when he was taking his first steps as a full time music artist was space. Being known as an ex youtuber can kill someones career and considering the sort of content he was making as ff it just doesn't seem weird to me that he wanted to separate the two lol. He gave countless interviews where he mentioned his old content and that he understood why people found it so hard to move on from such an iconic character but that he didn't like conflating the two. And even then, a few years later he was encouraging fans at his concerts to chant filthy frank so i cant help but feel like Ethan's assumption that he is embarrassed and trying to forget it ever happened is baseless and biased. And after that....well. Its pretty clear to me that h3h3 used to be enjoyed by people but its had a pretty obvious dowfall since then. Idc about Ethan's drama (or the man himself for that matter) but to be completely honest i wouldn't keep in contact with him either. Idk if you are one of those people who still enjoy his podcast but to me and to many others it just seems bad. Real bad. A lot of drama and too little substance.

Now Ian...Ian is definitely less clear to me as an outside observer. I may not like ~the old iddubz~ but joji obviously didn't have a problem with him. They always seemed to get along pretty well on all the behind the scenes and going through the cake trilogy together probably means that they developed something similar to a warriors bond. He was fun on their collabs. But alas, sometimes people who used to be close just stop keeping in touch. A lot of Joji's old college friends (pookie/david, the shaman/lewys, wheelz/tyrell) are no longer in contact with him and yet they all speak of him very highly. People online like to act like he somehow ""betrays his roots"" by not keeping up with people he collaborated with on youtube back in the day but youtube isn't his roots lmao. His high school and middle school japan friends have always clearly been very important to him and he never fell out off touch with them. He is often touring alongside Rei Brown and he has mentioned in interviews that he relies on these friendships on his day to day life (admittedly the interview im talking about was from 2018 but there's no reason to assume that he has suddenly stopped talking to people that he has been friends with since he was like 12 years old). At the end of the day he doesn't owe people online to keep in contact with anyone. People grow up and change and not all relationships survive the test of time. And thats okay. Stuff happens, people move on. For what its worth tho, i feel like iddubz's drama driven channel (because lets be fair the content cops were his biggest thing and they were youtube drama no matter how self righteous or fair they seemed at the time) didn't help. The thing about joji is that he had always avoided internet drama like it was the plague, which is once again one of those things that i appreciate deeply about him. I hate internet drama. But even my kinda biased opinion aside, the reality of the situation is probably very simple. They are both grown adults who live very different lives. They hanged out together during a few summers a lot of years ago. They followed different paths in life. It happens. Joji has been very offline for years now and i get the impression that he tends to isolate himself when his health acts up so its probably not that hard to fall out of touch with him.

And last but not least....Max. I won't lie, out of the cancer crew the only other person i actually like besides my man Joji is Max. Maybe he really was closer with Max, i certainly find him more likable. Around 2018 both Joji on twitter and Max on that one cold ones podcast episode said that they still keep in touch. Max was replying to a lot of Joji's tweets up untill the nectar era but once again, at the end of the day they live in different countries. I obviously have no way of knowing if they were still as close as they used to in the following years. Maybe they grew more distant for a while, maybe they reconnected around 2023 when joji took chad and max backstage at his concert, and then of course the wedding !! Its all very sweet, the gimme love Max and Chad video from the concert lowkey made me tear up.

But once again, at the end of the day they are all living their own lives, doing their own thing. And people who act like they owe it to them to be each others everything forever and ever because they met online a decade ago and collaborated on some extremely iconic videos make me laugh.

[thatonesimp-e]

(huge) late night vent (I am warning you know there is a lot.)

Its funny how I've been in a sort of cycle of seeing how replaceable I am. Seeing that if-hypothetically-didn't meet certain people, that some things just.. wouldn't change.

And seeing that-for those I did meet-what the outcome would've been if I hadnt cut them off. Or if I hadn't been a people pleaser. Or if I just saw the red flags earlier.

And I know this is contradictory to what I last said but..

Its so strange to me. How in hindsight I am.. sort of like an NPC. I do things to change others lives, never my own. And yet, the second I say anything about questioning my own existence, suddenly I'm either in the wrong or I need to be comforted.

Im not.. necessary looking for comfort. I'm looking for closure.

Closure into if I'm a real person. Closure into if I'm actually making an impact.

Ive never seen myself as anything more than a spec in the ever growing ocean of people. Honestly, I'm.. well.. not well.

I dont want to die, but.. I dont want to be here. I don't want to be on the same plane of existence everyone else is.

I don't want to die, I just.. want to bleed. To feel pain. To know that-even after every fucking thing that has happened, minor or not-I'm still somewhat human.

I guess that's life, right?

I do want to state this right now:

Im not seeking attention, or comfort. Im not trying to see if my mutual actually check these random vent posts. Hell, I'm probably not even going to remember this in the morning.

Im just.. typing what I'm feeling/thinking right now.

Another thing.. I sometimes feel like im just.. a disposable item to some people. They come, they use me, they leave. Which is why I have trust issues.

But then when the person that's using me finds out I have trust issues they leave..

Its.. a cycle. I hate it.

And my body. Fuck, do I need to explain? 90% of the time, I feel like im wasting food when I eat. It's why over the summer, I lose ~10 pounds.

My parents don't really watch me, nor do they really care sometimes to remind me that I need to eat.

And honestly, it might be feeding this.. strange habit of mine.

I love to snack, but it'd wasteful to me. Which is weird.

...

Sometimes, I like to think about what my younger self would've thought when she'd see me. What would she think of me?

Would she ask where our joy went? And then what do I say?

Would she notice the scars and ask where they came from? Would she actually.. like me? Like the person she would turn into?

Its.. hard for me to see what life would be like in 20 years. Part of me thinks I'm not even going to make it to my mid twenties. (Especially with how everything has gone)

Who knows? Not me, that's for sure.

And I know I shouldn't care to think about what happens in the future. I'm only 15. But I can't help but have the same thoughts run through my mind over, and over, and over.

Maybe that's where the PTSD is? Though it wouldn't make sense. It doesn't to me at least.

[lieslab]

do you like roller coasters? i’m going to six flags tmr and i love roller coasters! (get netflix. i wanna talk abt squid games.) 🍌

i told my friend on tumblr abt your account, and she said that it was weird that i found talking to you comforting. since like, idk im the oldest and my parents don’t ever try to understand me, so i have no one to talk to in my family, and my friends have their own problems, so sure if i told them they would care, but i dont want to burden them. and like ive never mentioned it but i have like bad anxiety and stuff, so it kinda gets dismissed a lot. and the friend i mentioned said that i was probably annoying you for sending you these asks, so i tried to like cut down on them but then i felt sad, so im kinda back to annoying you. sorry 🙃 but in short ur kinda like comforting in my life, so dont go bald!

I do not like roller coasters. No. I've been on one and never again. I don't think it'd ever be a good idea for me to go on one again. I've struggled with Vertigo ever since I had a few horrible cases of Covid a few years ago and the idea of going through a loop, or a sharp turn terrifies me. I think I'd pull a Felix and faint 😭

I hope you have a lot of fun!! (I am not getting Netflix, respectfully) A lot of things are weird. Blue cheese is weird. The texture of tomatoes is weird. Struggling with mental illness, feeling lost, unsure of where to go, that's not weird. That's entirely normal. I used to feel it all the time when I was younger. I always felt weird about it until I went to therapy and my therapist had to tell me it was entirely normal. Sometimes families are just bad at mental health stuff.

It's not annoying for people to come here and yap. I've opened up my page for that. I respond to random things. I give advice when it's sought after, and the people that leave stuff, it's never annoying for me. I know some people are like "don't you get tired of responding to stuff? Don't you get annoyed?" Not really, no.

I used to be a kid unsure of where to go when I was struggling as well. My parents went through a super messy divorce and my father was so religious, he didn't believe in mental health help. He was very much a "just pray it away" kind of person. It's why I'm always so open about mental health and being an advocate. Mental health is SO important and if writing silly fanfics about eight k-pop idols helps someone, so be it.

I'm going to go on a huge ramble right here, so feel free to tune out. I write so much fanfic because this is literally the thing that keeps me going. This is the one constant thing I have in my life that hasn't changed. I clutch onto this like a lifeline and every time someone hits up my inbox, I feel so honored. Whether it's a random comment, a story, someone needing advice, someone asking a question, it quite literally makes my day.

I don't live in the best environment. Outside of fanfic, my life is somewhat messy. There are a lot of things happening and lately, my own mental health isn't the best, but this is special for me. I clutch onto this because sometimes, just as you feel, I don't have any other way to express my emotions. So no, I don't care if people come here and ramble.

I don't always feel like a real person in real life, but I feel real here. I can exist, have thoughts and opinions, they're not mocked and ridiculed here. I'm not put down, or ignored, or screamed at. Now if anything is weird, that's really weird. You probably feel real here, too. You never know what's going on with someone behind the scenes.

A lot of my life has been silenced, but I can be so loud here. I can scream into the void and it doesn't get angry and scream back. People will do whatever they can to feel alive and that's nothing to be ashamed of. I can be creative as I want to be here. There's nobody here to crush my dreams and I won't let them.

Healing from traumatic things takes a hell of a lot of time. Growing takes time. I wish we could sometimes snap our fingers and life was drastically different, but it's not how it works. Mental health isn't always up and up and up, it's a lot like a roller coaster. There are ups and downs. Sometimes you get stuck upside down and all you can do is scream. It takes a bit to start moving again and that's okay.

Don't apologize for not knowing what to do and feeling lost. We all feel a little lost sometimes and that's okay. The light comes back. The people we love drag us back to the shore. We get up and try again because we can. Don't ever feel afraid to reach out to the people in your life. The people that really care about you will always care about you and they will want you happy and healthy. Always.

Anxiety is hard. Depression is hard. So many things are hard and we live in a world where it feels so difficult to lean on people. I promised myself when I created this page, I'd try to be me. Actually me. Not the silly personas I put up around certain people, just me, all me. I've always struggled with being me, but writing has always brought me so much comfort.

So when people started liking and interacting with my stuff, I don't think I'll ever be able to put it into proper words. When you spend so long thinking you're worthless and then you find so many people that say you make them feel seen. You make them happy. Your words matter and you helped them. You cheered them up and you've made them feel not alone, that is so indescribable and the best feeling ever.

Don't ever be afraid to be annoying. Be yourself, unapologetically. It's okay to live life terrified and feel anxious, you're not alone in that feeling. Every time someone hits up my inbox, it's another reminder that just because my mental health might make me feel one way, I'm not alone. There are people out there hidden in the shadows that want people to live a good life.

There's never shame in wanting to be heard and validated. Not ever. If I didn't have this little place to bring me comfort, I don't know if I'd still be here fighting so hard for peace and trying to chase the life I deserve. I've said it before and I'll say it again. People are a lot like plants. We need water and food and sunshine. Positive encouragement helps a lot as well.

Having a community you belong in, that's so important and it will always be so special to me. You have no idea how happy it makes me that I've created this small mini space in a fandom I like. No toxicity, no negativity, just vibes. This is how fandoms should be and should feel. You should feel safe here and you should feel loved here.

Interacting with people in my comment sections, making connections, and forming friendships, that's what this has always been about. There's so much hatred and cruelty in the world and it doesn't have to exist here. I won't let it.

Blow up my goddamn inbox, scream at the top of your lungs, be yourself unapologetically, don't stop chasing your dreams, and don't ever let anyone make you feel miserable for the things you enjoy. Have fun on your trip, enjoy Squid Games, and take care <3

(Also it's too late to say don't go bald because that already happened back in 2023)

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

(iv)

Home wasn’t much better, though. It was a dump and it was full of crappy people. Akane would usually take us out and about places so we could spend as little time there as possible.

Instead, she’d take us to the library. Tetsuo and I loved books when we were kids, and for what we had, we were very well-read. But for the rest of us, it wasn’t about books or anything like that; it was just a place with air conditioning, clean water, and bathrooms. That was more than what we had at home.

She really did all that for you?

Akane Owari has trouble understanding basic concepts. But once she does get a feel for the seriousness of something, she's usually very good at adapting and taking care of it in the best way possible.

For sure. She tried so hard to make us happy, like taking us fishing when she could. She always felt like it was her job to take care of us, so she worked all these part-time jobs. I remember her coming home with leftovers she’d snuck from the restaurant where she worked. That food felt like a feast to us.

She went through a lot, though. Men were always chasing her, harassing her. She learned how to escape by climbing and jumping over things. That’s probably where her athletic skills came from. Even at home, she wasn’t safe. Mom’s boyfriends would grope her when they were drunk or make her do weird things like serve them food while…not wearing any underwear. She didn’t talk about it much, but I could tell it hurt her.

Hngh...

Everything changed when she became a gymnast though. She didn't think much of it at first, she figured it might help her earn more money.

And as it turns out, she was amazing at it.

Yeah. Gymnastics changed everything for us. Akane started making real money, enough for us to move out and live together in a better place.

Eventually, she even got into Hope’s Peak Academy as the Ultimate Gymnast. Can you believe that? My big sister, who used to fight stray dogs for food, ended up in one of the most prestigious schools in the world.

So yeah, I could never hate her, even if she did fall into Despair. She’s always been our hero, even if she doesn’t see it that way.

Hm...Right...

Sorry...I know you said it'd be fine, but I'm not usually someone who talks about herself so much. It's pretty selfish of me to act that way when-

Please, don't say that. It's not selfish at all.

I know what it's like to endure hardship, and to try and escape from a crummy life. But my struggles cannot compare to that of your family's.

Christmas is the time of the year where we should be thinking and supporting those less fortunate than us. And your story certainly struck a chord with me. I'm glad that your family is doing better now.

I mean, it was mostly Akane. We couldn't have done much as a group of young kids.

Well, I definitely have way more respect for Akane than I ever did before.

I've obviously heard this story before...But I always think back on it, and now I know where all that potential I saw in Akane was hiding.

Growing up in a place like that? Where death’s so common it barely phases you? That’s not something anyone should go through, much less a child.

But Akane didn’t just survive it. She found ways to push past it. She didn’t wait for help because she knew no one was coming. It takes guts to face that kind of life and still come out swinging.

She made sure the family she loved had something, even if it meant she had nothing. That kind of loyalty and love, that’s real strength.

But what makes me mad....no, FURIOUS...is the crap she had to deal with from adults! Some of the stuff she’s told me…it’s DISGUUSTTIIING! People like that? They’re worse than TRAASH!

But Akane, she didn’t let it break her. She used it. She turned her anger, her frustration, her pain into raw determination.

She’s still rough around the edges, sure, but that’s what makes her who she is. And honestly? I respect the hell out of her for it. She’s someone who’s been at rock bottom and climbed her way up with nothing but her fists and her willpower. That’s the kind of spirit you don’t see every day.

...

Akane’s a fighter, plain and simple. And I don’t mean just physically, she fights for what she believes in, for her family, and for her future. If you ask me, that’s something to admire. She’s got her scars, but those scars are proof of her strength. You can bet your last protein shake she’s gonna keep fighting her way forward, no matter what life throws at her!

Indeed! It seems the Owari's are lucky to have her, just as lucky as we are to have Ms. Ikusaba.

True 'dat. Guess we can't afford to screw around with these presents after all, huh?

Deck The Halls for a Birthday Party: The Fourth Hour.

You have been bitching that idea for about 2 hours now! It's NOT! FUNNY!

'Tis no joke, Mr Kuwata!

Kentaro Miura is one of the greatest legends of our time, God rest his soul! Berserk is RIGHT up Ms. Ikusaba's alley! Its themes of survival, loyalty, and complex characters are practically her in a nutshell!

But Mukuro doesn't like nerd shit! She's never said or done anything that signifies that she'd be into manga and anime! Have you ever seen her with a volume of Jump or some shit?

No, but that doesn't mean-!

ENOUGH!

God, you two are hurting my ears! I'm putting a pin in this argument now, so we can focus on what's important!

*Byakuya, Leon, and Hifumi, are in charge of getting Mukuro's presents for everyone at the party. Those who don't already have gifts prepared have given the trio the money to go and buy them from the stores. However, Leon and Hifumi get trapped in a repetitive argument all the way there, much to Byakuya's chagrin.

With that being said, if you'll allow me to give my piece on the matter.

Hifumi. Provided you know what it is you want to get Mukuro, make sure you're willing to make the expense.

Will do, sire!

Are you for real? I mean, Berserk's cool an' all, but do you really think Mukuro is gonna like that stuff? That stoic and serious soldier-girl that she is? She doesn't feel like she'd be into ANY kinda fandom!

Any gift is better than no gift. If Mukuro doesn't like it, Hifumi can just keep the receipt, and then exchange it for something else she wants of a similar price range.

And at least he HAS an idea of what he wants to get her. That's more than I can say for you.

Give me a break, dude! It's not like I'm that close to Mukuro! How am I supposed to know what she'd like as a present!

Then stop acting like you do and keep giving him crap, when you don't even know where to begin.

Fuck me, dude...It's bad enough that I don't have the cash on hand to get her anything good. You pressuring me to make a choice ain't helping.

Speaking of which, if I promise to pay you back, will you spot me if I get something a little over the price?

Is today the day you're trying you're damndest to get on my nerves?

I asked nicely! I'm not trying to scam you man! Come on, you're a billionaire or whatever! You can say bye to a few-

Wha-!? No I'm not!

Huh?

I'm NOT a billionaire! In fact, I never was! I'm not sure where that idea got into your head.

But you-!

The Togami Family were financial titans, that much is true. However, by the time I was in Hope's Peak Academy, although I had an unmatched understanding of business and monetary value, I was still only the HEIR to the company. The money that the company earned was something I was going to INHERIT; it didn't actually belong to me.

And even if it did, the Togami family went under a long time ago thanks to Junko Enoshima anyway, so even if I was going to get that money eventually, it's all gone now. Overnight, no less.

It's true that I have more on hand than you right now, but that's just because I'm more careful with my money, and I don't blow it on useless junk that I don't use more than once.

Alright, alright, have mercy, Jesus! You're saying I'm winding you up, but you're just being super cruel right now!

???: Huh...I thought I heard some familiar voices...

Huh?

*The boys look up to see someone approaching them.

The whispers told me that you're all trying to be discreet about something. That, and your facial expressions. But boy, you guys are good at drawing attention to yourselves.

Eden Owari. A pleasure to see you. It's certainly been a while now.

[theodorerailmi]

impetuous ; A HACKEARNEY PLAYLIST

i. meet me in the woods // lord huron ; ii. the killing moon // echo & the bunnymen ; iii. fragile tension // depeche mode ; iv. andromeda // weyes blood ; v. wolves // danny knutelsky ; vi. golden hair // slowdive ; vii. satellite // siøbhan ; viii. i come in peace // soko ; ix. you know me too well // nothing but thieves ; x. this mess we’re in // pj harvey ft. thom yorke ; xi. milk & black spiders // foals ; xii. real love // big thief ; xiii. desire lines // deerhunter

SPOTIFY LINK ; LYRICS SELECTION BELOW (added some notes)

Meet Me in the Woods by Lord Huron

Follow me into the endless night / I can bring your fears to light / Show me yours and I'll show you mine / Meet me in the woods tonight  

The Killing Moon by Echo & the Bunnymen

In starlit nights, I saw you / So cruelly, you kissed me / Your lips, a magic world / Your sky, all hung with jewels / The killing moon / Will come too soon / Fate / Up against your will / Through the thick and thin / He will wait until / You give yourself to him

Fragile Tension by Depeche Mode

There's a strange obsession / That's drawing us nearer / We don't understand it / It never gets clearer / There's something radical in our hands / Nothing logical to our plans

(Notes: ngl, a lot of Depeche Mode songs remind me of them (blame it on the dark, sexy vibes haha). And I could totally picture Travis being a fan of 80s, new-wave/alt rock music)

Andromeda by Weyes Blood

Let me in if I break / And be quiet if I shatter / Getting tired of looking / You know that I hate the game / Don't wanna waste any more time / You know I didn't hold it up / Love is calling / It's time to give to you / Something you can hold onto / I dare you try

Wolves by Danny Knutelsky

Gone too far, I search for your garden full of pleasure / Hold me, love / I'm going deeper in the forest

Golden Hair by Slowdive

For I heard you singing through the gloom / Singing and singing, a merry air / Lean out the window, golden hair

(Notes: so in my head, Laura (like Siobhan) can sing (and not just do this weird shriek in the “distraction” scene haha). I’m sure Travis has heard her voice at least once when he had her imprisoned. I would also definitely imagine this song also for a Mermaid!Laura AU...)

Satellite by SIØBHAN

You use your strength just to hide away / Will you come back home to my heart / If I kept all my promises, never got lost / Could we go right back to the start / Rewrite the history so you could just kiss me

I Come In Peace by Soko

You live your life like you're stuck in hell / And my only goal is to make you feel safe / But like everything I do I fail / I've come in peace, come to rescue you / And thought you're sick I will comfort you / My heart is weak / When I'm not with you / Won't you man up now and be a hero?

You Know Me Too Well by Nothing but Thieves

Filthy impetuous soul / I wanna give it to you / Oh, just to see what you do / 'Cause I'm so drunk on you / Baby, you're all that I want / I want you all to myself / Oh, but you know me too well

(Notes: Travis @ Laura. Sexy vibes, definitely)

This Mess We’re In by PJ Harvey ft. Thom Yorke

What were you wanting? / I just wanna say / Don’t ever change / And thank you / I don’t think we will meet again / Sweat on my skin / Oh, this mess we’re in

Milk & Black Spiders by Foals

Cause I've been around two times / And found that you're the only thing I need

(Notes: Two idiots in love. And it took them both a long time to realize that they’re idiots in love.)

Real Love by Big Thief

Oh mama, oh papa / How much blood is worth the draw? / Real love, real love / Real love makes your lungs black

(Notes: this song is about growing up in a toxic family environment, thinking that love has to hurt... definitely Travis vibes. And Travis only later discovering what “real love” is.)

Desire Lines by Deerhunter

When you were young and your excitement showed / But as time goes by is it outgrown? / Is that the way things go? Forever reaching for the gold / Forever fading black and comes up cold Walking free, come with me / Far away, everyday

(Notes: this follows the previous song. I like to imagine Laura finally helping Travis to get away from Northkill, away from his family.)

[yesimwriting]

hiii, this might seem weird but do u have any head cannons for when the reader is pregnant and how the Darkling would react?

a/n love this concept,, it's not weird at all!! i feel like there's so much here!! also i leave for college this month and im lowkey starting to freak out so ive been watching star wars movies for comfort 😭and now i have half a mind to write for them, especially the prequels (cough, cough,, anakin) 😭 😭 that should tell you where i am mentally

anyways lets get into the headcanons:))

--

- okay so like most of my headcanons, this is probably going to be all over the place bc i feel like so many different things could change how he would react. Like if the darkling x reader have been trying to get pregnant, or an unplanned pregnancy with someone he really likes, i also think whether or not the reader is a grisha affects his reaction too

- in general though, i think he'd lowkey have a breeding kink he'd def find something about the thought of you having his child really attractive bc for one thing, he wouldn't have to worry about being left alone and now he has an excuse to be a real 'protector'.

- also if youve read my other headcanons i am 100000% convinced that he has this thing where if he really likes someone he needs them to need him (let's all remember the whole 'i will strip you of everything you know and love speech until I'm your only shelter' speech he gave to Alina)

- also i kinda want to write a fic or blurb series or something that's just the darkling being super toxic in super thoughtful ways LMAO if that makes sense, like he's being super sweet but it's to make sure the reader is dependent on him

- and he def wants to be the protector to give himself some sense of assurance bc he's so desperate to not be alone anymore and bc the reader is the only person he has/loves, he wants to feel in control and like he's the less attached one

- okay,, let's get back to the pregnancy thing, anyways, your pregnancy is most definitely activating all of those senses and this was meant to be a sub plot but it kind of became it's own thing lol

- so lets get to the actual pregnancy reaction

if you two have been trying to get pregnant:

- when you tell him, he kind of like, pauses bc it's not every day that he gets surprised so it takes him a moment to register that he's experiencing shock lol, so he tenses and goes islent

- and then after he realizes that he's surprised and that it's bc of a good thing, he manages to relax

- meanwhile you're kind of freaking out bc he got so quiet?? you start to wonder if he's regretting ever wanting a child with you? and you're like two seconds away from a downspiral and then he...

- he touches your cheek and looks at you in a way you've never seen him look at anyone,, not even you

- the look is so warm and strong and full of fierce admiration that you feel foolish for ever thinking he didn't want this. And then he says something about how you're carrying his child and how he didn't realize he could adore you more and then he kisses you and it's all :)) warm:)

- he doesn't want anyone to know that he's expecting a child as long as possible bc of how many enemies he has and how he has to worry about you enough when people just know that you're his 'lover' (a title you never really liked, but one he tells you is necessary to make sure no one realizes the extent of his attachment)

- if you really want to tell your mother or someone of that relation, he won't be mad about it, but he just needs to know

- Genya is the only exception bc the darkling basically instructs her to look out for you,, but when you tell her she's like oh?? you guys just found out?

- miss girl most definitely noticed like a day and a half ago after you cried bc she couldn't find you ice cream the other night 😭and she just assumed you knew but weren't ready to tell anyone

- okay so this what i think is his most problematic expecting father trait would be. So i just ranted about how important secrecy would be to him but he's also the most overprotective person in the entire world,, like he was bad before but once he knows your with child?? yeah, if a man asks you about the weather, he's done for

- he's next to you in a second, ordering either you or the man to do some asinine task

- if you get mad about this (rightfully so) or even just point out how nothing is wrong and you having a casual conversation with a man who isn't even looking at you sexually won't hurt you or the baby, he'll lose rationality

- it depends on how much you push, but it'd be super easy to make him super possessive bc like i said, being bonded by a child has made him so much more intense (and he was pretty intense before)

- and if you push too much he'll lowkey forget about how cautious he's trying to be with you and pin you against the nearest wall and say something along the lines of 'are you already forgetting you're mine? that i own you, body and soul--is my child growing in you not enough of a reminder? because i'll give you another one if you need it.' (AH--i want to write a whole fic based on this line)

- also if the reader is grisha, especially if she's a sun summoner/special grisha like him, he def talks about the power that they've created and how proud he already is and how he can't wait to train together and be the most powerful family in the world

- not everything is perfectly happy though, bc now he feels more pressure to complete his plan and establish the world he wants his child to be born into

- so sometimes when he's working extra hard or is extra aggressive for no reason, you have to work at calming him down and reminding him that the best thing he can do for his child is be there for them (and the child's mother,, lol)

- sometimes he'll respond by actually listening to you and trying to make up for his absence or his aggression by being extra soft until you finally forgive him

- you never last that long, it's hard to be mad at him when he's coddling you and whispering such sweet things about he's so happy to have you and your future child

- overall, his first reaction is to swell with emotion, which he isn't used to, and so he becomes super protective but also extra lovey and you know that his overreactions are just him trying to show that he cares about you and your future child more than anything

If the pregnancy was unplanned:

- the initial reaction is pretty similar, only his state of shock lasts longer

- like i said at the beginning, he's not used to being surprised and an accidental pregnancy is so much more surprising than a planned pregnancy

- this really sucks for you bc he's not exactly known for his patience so you just kinda sit there and genuinely wonder if you're going to be a single mom or if you're going to want to deletus the fetus or something

- but then he takes a step towards you and you see how he's looking at you and you just know that that fierceness has to mean something good

- and at this point you're scared and nervous and feel so alone so tears are pricking at your eyes,, so he wipes his thumb across your cheek to wipe away tears you won't let spill

- he then whispers something really sweet about how you two are now together forever, as you should be

- it's really relieving bc you felt so alone and uncertain and he's such a smooth speaker that by the end of the night, you feel like this is a good thing

- if youre still hesitant/weighing your options, he's not above trying to (gently) manipulate you into thinking that what he wants may be the only way

- by that,, i don't mean outright tricking you bc he means everything he says, but he def is pushing the keeping the baby agenda,, especially if you're a grisha,, and even more so if you're a grisha with similar power levels to him

- he won't get angry at first bc he's not so out of touch that he's unaware of how shocking a pregnancy is to a woman who wasn't planning one,, but his patience is limited and if you fight it too much he will get mad and yell

- but unless you really don't want to have a child, it won't get to that bc he makes the idea of having a baby with him sound so perfect?? like you genuinely don't understand how he did that

- he chases away all of your worries and assures you that youre not alone and that even though it isn't planned he wouldn't rather anyone else carry his child

- the initial conversation would probably end in you two sleeping together again bc he finds the fact that you're carrying his child so attractive and bc being aware of the pregnancy makes him more possessive

- it's also a good way to fight any of your doubts

- speaking of being possessive though,, i feel like he could be a little more possessive/protective of a reader who didn't plan on getting pregnant bc your relationship has been less established

- no one sees you as anything to him and he doesn't want to start rumors now bc it's important to him that his enemies don't find out about you or his future child so he doesn't want that to change

- but he almost forgets about all of those reasons each time he sees a man get a little too close,, especially if that guy is flirty

- it takes all of his will power to not just go 'she's mine and if i wasn't worried about the stress that witnessing something violent would cause our unborn child, you'd be dead already, but if you're not gone by the time i turn around, i'll forget about caution'

- lots of close calls ngl!! at one point youre like 'if it bothers you so much, maybe you should tell someone??' and he's like 'no,, maybe,, shut up' and then you raise one eyebrow and he just closes his mouth and is like 'i mean,, i'll kiss you to shut you up, haha--dont be mad'

- youre the one that's pregnant but sometimes you think he might be the one experiencing the mood swings i swear 😭

- so your little theory gets tested,, he's not the type to gossip with his besties and be like 'guess who's officially my girlfriend, i knocked her up but it's not like it sounds--'

- so he's like ig you can tell genya

- once again genya is like ?? yall thought you were keeping that secret? couldn't be me

- but having it a little out in the open helps ease him just enough that youre actually capable of consoling him when he becomes jealous

- still though,, he's quick to go into possessive/pregnancy kink sex

- youre most def not mad about it,, unless pregnancy has you particularly sore

- he's normally pretty understanding about that and def doesn't mind pulling his weight in the bedroom when he needs

- honestly he'd be really good at being a source of calmness at the beginning, but as time goes on he becomes more and more worried about finishing his plans bc he didn't expect to have a child right now

- so he'd be more adamant about working/becoming more tense and would be more difficult to console if it was an accidental pregnancy

- when you call him out on it--or on anything while your pregnant--it's frustrating for you both bc the number one thing everyone knows is stress is bad for baby, so he's trying to keep you calm without backing down

- these argument always end with one of you clinging to the other,, and then the more angrier of the two just like shuts up, rolls their eyes, and lets go of the argument...at least for now

- the main difference between an accidental and intentional pregnancy would probably be how you perceive him,, bc an intentional pregnancy means youve talked about things but since you havent talked about anything your shocked about how soft he becomes ??

[crqstalite]

also i couldn't figure out how to word it.

i. dont like koda anymore lol. i dont think i ever really did.

some analysis...ish below lol

like i doubt this is even slightly relevant to anything anymore considering i stopped writing for her like. months(?) months ago. koda was a weird almagation of everything i ever wanted to do with a shepard and her character suffered for it. she was a war hero with a crystal clean background -- a family woman who ended up with biotics in the end. she had a darkside, part of her she rarely shared. she was everything all at once, and when she couldn't be, i passed parts of her i wanted into other characters.

i originally tried passing it off as that she exhibited a lot of my own personality traits -- acting as if my own emotions weren't really a stake or issue in other people's lives. or that she didn't matter in the grand scheme of things because of her figurehead status.

and that worked. that still works for a decent story beat. she's fascinating and relatable because of it. she was my pet project and she was beloved (by me at least lol) for it.

but since i stopped writing -- i realized it was a copout. characters that came after her (not citlali, because she suffered from so many story changes even i can't remember where or who she is anymore, nor annika for the same reasons) were just. better, because i didn't feel like i was writing about a vessel for the story to flow through instead of around. brione in fact, is the only one i still feel a real desire to write about, and she was never intended to be a shepard. her story was directly about her making her own decisions and making a name for herself.

because they didn't feel like i was writing about me.

all of my first characters in any rpg are me. most of the time. (svenja/reyna/marzeyna didnt suffer from this issue for some reason). and because of that, they get the worst of me most of time. i know the self-insert/mary sue argument has been done at least ten times over since ive been old enough to grasp what it means -- but she was a self insert. a pretty big one at that lol.

writing koda as a self-insert meant i was indirectly using her as a vessel to feel like i had control over my life. she was effectively 'born' in the middle of the covid pandemic and during my sophmore year of high school. i was miserable, feeling trapped and terribly lonely. koda and mass effect in general gave me a place to get away (not healthily, though). now that im in college, she doesnt feel as much of a power fantasy to me anymore. she feels like a person. which isnt bad, but it took away a lot of exploration i felt like i "still" needed to do. the stories i "still" needed to tell didn't feel so. important anymore.

because i'd already done that exploration with myself.

its only been about 2.5 years since then. but ive grown as a person -- and i couldnt reflect those in koda. the flaws id learned to love about myself werent the same as the one id given to her. i couldnt explore them.

there was nothing left to explore. i don't know her flaws anymore, because i realize i wrote her without any real ones. she just. could. she was shepard -- because she was shepard. she was loved by most of her crew members -- because she was shepard. she didn't face conflict -- because she was shepard. she was as much a hollow shell as default shep was, just with a more distinct face and a name.

at the time, i didnt know what made some of my most favorite interpretations of shepard and their story so lovable and fascinating to me. id believed it was just the mere presence of their problems. now though, i realize its because mutuals and other authors allowed their characters to grow without being afraid it would take away from the character.

i couldnt reflect that growth because some of it, id simply never experienced. i have a better understanding of interpersonal relationships now. i can't say ive had an "awakening" or anything (thats a tad dramatic for what im trying to get across lol) -- but im a different person from then to now. two years isnt a lot, surely, but the leap in logic and reasoning from then to now is. large enough that i can recognize i and my perspective is vastly different.

theres no real conclusion to this. not a big fancy ending or some grand analysis -- i was just not great at creating characters. like real ones with real stories and real problems. everytime ive come back to redamancy over the last couple of months, i feel. off about it. not quite right. not quite proud. and i did a shit ton of work for that book when i still felt good about it. when i was still constantly writing 10k word chapters for it.

(which is a feat within itself, im struggling to write three page papers now lol)

i haven't touched it since december almost. maybe longer.

its the longest ive gone without even remotely thinking about koda.

given i suppose its growth. (most likely also that my mass effect hyperfixation died out and i didnt want to admit it. am i capable of enjoying things casually? who knows lol) learning what worked and what didn't -- but its so odd someone that basically defined my fandom presence and myself for almost a year is. really nothing but a handful of unfinished chapters and half baked ideas now.

i don't even know who koda was meant to be. what her story was supposed to represent. someone, surely. but i guess i'll never know.

i dont cringe at her. i value her as someone, maybe something that made me genuinely happy. her relationship with her sister made me happy at least -- her relationship with kaidan made me ecstatic (and arguably mirrors the same type of care and respect i have in my own relationship now, believe it or not. i believe i went and found my own kaidan lol) and her triumphs were my triumphs.

i love space. i love the cyberpunkish future it painted. im such a sucker for it.

eventually my brain juices will probably balance out enough for me to really enjoy the world of mass effect again and koda will get a chance to be revived again as someone separate from myself -- and i wont repeat the same issue with my ME4 protag.

but thats my fascinating thought for like. the next month or so until i have another lol

[dirk-has-rabies]

Gender variance and it's link with neurodivergency

Okay so this is it going to be another long one

All quotes will be sourced with a link to the scientific journal I took it from

Okay Tumblr, let's talk gender (I know, your favorite topic) my preface on why this topic matters to me is: I'm autistic ( diagnosed moderate to severe autism) I'm nonbinary trans ( in a way that most non-autistic people don't understand and actually look down on)  and I went to college for gender study ( Mostly for intersex studies but a lot of my research was around non-binary and trans identities) I will be using the term autism as pants when I have experience with however when ADHD is part of the study I will use ND which stands for neurodivergent and yes this is going to be about xenogenders and neopronouns.

autism can affect gender the same way autism can affect literally every part of an identity. a big thing about having autism is the fact that it completely can change how you view personhood and time and object permanence and gender and literally all types of socially constructed ideas. let me also say hear that just because Society creates and enforces an idea does it mean that it doesn't exist to all people it just me that there is no nature law saying that it's real and the “rules” for these ideas can change and delete and create as time and Society evolves and changes.  gender is one of those constructs.

Now I'll take it by you reading this you know what transgender people are  (if you don't understand what a trans person is send me an ask and I'll type you up a pretty little essay lmao,  or Google it but that's a scary thought sense literally any Source or website can come up on Google including biased websites so be careful I guess LOL) anyway to be super basic trans people are anyone who doesn't identify as the gender they were assigned at Birth (yes that includes non-binary people I could do a whole nother essay about that shit how y'all keep spreading trying to separate non-binary people from the trans umbrella)  some people don't like to use the label and that is totally fine by the way.

now autistic people to view the world in a way differently than allistic (neurotypical) ppl do.  we don't take everything people teach us at 100% fact and we tend to question everything and demand proof and evidence for things before we can set it as a fact in our brains. This leads to why a lot of autistic people are atheist (although a lot of religions and this is not bashing on religious people at all I am actually a Jewish convert)  this questioning leads to a lot of social constructs being ignored or not understood At All by a lot of autistic people and personally I think that's a good thing.  allistics take everything their parents and teachers and schools teach them as fact until someone else says something and then they pick which ones to believe. autistic people study and research and learn about a topic before forming an opinion and while this may lead to them studying and believing very biased material and spitting it out as fact it can also lead them to try and Discover it is real by themselves.

because of this autistic people are more question their gender or not fall in a binary way at all as the concept of gender makes no sense to a lot of us. “ if gender is a construct then autistic people who are less aware of social norms are less likely to develop a typical gender identity”

no really look: “ children and teens with autism spectrum disorder ASD or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder ADHD  are much more likely to express a wish to be the opposite sex compared with their typical developing peers” That was posted in 2014. we have been saying this stuff forever but no one wants to listen. the thing is gender variance (being not cisgender or at least questioning it)  has always been closely hand-in-hand with autistic and ADHD people I'm even the doctor who did that study understood right away that it all made sense the whole time: “ Dr. Strang said they were initially surprised to find an overrepresentation of gender variance among children with ADHD. However, they later realized that prior studies have shown increased levels of disruptive behavior and other behavioral problems among young people with gender variance”  SEE YOURE NOT WEIRD YOURE JUST YOU AND YOURE NOT ALONE IN THIS!!

5% autistic people who did the study were trans or questioning. it was also equal between the Sexes fun fact. that may not seem like a lot till you realize that the national average is only .7% that's literally over 700% higher than the national average. That's so many! and that's just in America.

 in Holland there was a study in 2010 “ nearly 8% of the more than 200 Children and adolescents referred to a clinic for gender dysphoria also came up positive on a assessment for ASD” they weren't even testing for ADHD so the numbers could be even higher!

now I want to talk about a  certain section of the trans umbrella that a lot of autistic people fall under called the non-binary umbrella. non-binary means anything that isn't just male or just female. it is not one third gender and non-binary doesn't mean that you don't have a gender. just clearing that up since cis people keep spreading that. non-binary is an umbrella term for any of the infinite genders you could use or create. now this is where I'm going to lose a bunch of you and that's okay because you don't have to understand our brains or emotions To respect us as real people. not many allistics can understand how we see and think and relate to things and that's okay you don't have to understand everything but just reading about this could be so much closer to respecting us for Who We Are from you've ever been and that's better than being against us just for existing.

now you might have heard of my Mutual Lars who was harassed  by transmeds for using the term Autigender (I was going to link them but if it gets traction I don't want them to get any hate)  since a lot of people roll their eyes at that  and treated them disgustingly for using a term that 100% applied correctly.  Autigender  is described as " a neurogender which can only be understood in the context of being autistic or when one's autism greatly affects one's gender or how one experiences gender. Autigender is not autism as a gender, but rather is a gender that is so heavily influenced by autism that one's autism and one's experience of gender cannot be unlinked.” Now tell me that doesn't sound a lot like this entire essay I've been working on with full sources…..

xenogenders and neopronouns are a big argument point on whether or not people “believe” in non binary genders but a big part of those genders is that they originated from ND communities and are ways that we can try to describe what gender means us in a way that cis or even allistic trans people just can't comprehend or ever understand. Same with MOGAI genders or sexualities. A lot of these are created as a way to somehow describe an indescribable relationship with gender that is so personal you really cant explain it to anyone who isnt literally the same as you.

Even in studies done with trans autistic people a large amount of them dont even fall on a yes or no of having a gender at all and fall in some weird inbetween where you KINDA have a gender but its not a gender in the sense that others say it is but its also too much of a gender so say youre agender. And this is the kind of stuff that confuses allistic trans people and makes them think nonbinary genders are making stuff up for attention, which isnt true at all we just cant explain what it feels like to BE a trans autistic person to anyone who doesnt ALREADY know how it feels.

In this study out of the ppl questioned almost HALF of the autistic trans individuals had a “Sense of identity revolving around interests” meaning their gender and identity was more based off what they liked rather than boy or girl. That makes ppl with stuff like vampgender or pupgender make a lot more sense now doesnt it? We see that even in the study: “My sense of identity is fluid, just as my sense of gender is fluid […] The only constant identity that runs through my life as a thread is ‘dancer.’ This is more important to me than gender, name or any other identifying features… even more important than mother. I wouldn't admit that in the NT world as when I have, I have been corrected (after all Mother is supposed to be my primary identification, right?!) but I feel that I can admit that here. (Taylor)” and an agreement from another saying “Mine is Artist. Thank you, Taylor. (Jessie)” now dont you think if they grew up with terms like artistgender or dancergender they would just YOINK those up right away????

In fact “An absence of a sense of gender or being unsure of how their gender should “feel” was another common report” because as ive said before in this post AUTISTIC PEOPLE DONT SEE GENDER THE WAY ALLISTIC PEOPLE SEE IT. therefore we wont use the same terms or have the same identities nor could we explain it to anyone who doesnt already understand or question the same way! Participants even offered up quotes such as “As a child and even now, I don't ‘feel’ like a gender, I feel like myself and for the most part I am constantly trying to figure out what that means for me (Betty)” and also “I don't feel like a particular gender I'm not even sure what a gender should feel like (Helen)”

Now i know this isnt going to change everyones minds on this stuff but i can only hope that it at least helped people feel like theyre not broken and not alone in their feelings about this. You dont have to follow allistic rules. You dont have to stop searching inside for who you really wanna be. And you dont have to pick or choose terms forever because just as you grow and evolve so may your terms. Its okay to not know what or who you are and its okay to identify as nonhuman things or as your interests because what you love and what you do is a big part of who you are and shapes you everyday. Its not a bad thing! Just please everyone, treat ppl with respect and if you dont understand something that doesnt make it bad or wrong it just means its not for you. And thats okay.

[fairycosmos]

hey! i just saw your post and i was curious: what do you miss about being 17? is there anything you would change if you went back to that age?

this is a super interesting question for me and it's about to get SADDD but i promise i don't mean for it to like. lets not read too much into it - you don't mind if i get dramatic right? lol but basically i have a million answers and im sorry this is gonna be so long. it's funny because i didn't particularly enjoy being seventeen at the time, but if i could go back, i would. i think the glorification of youth in general has left a mark on me - you feel like youre going to live forever, and the world likes you young. especially if you're a woman. most importantly though, at that age i had ample time to fuck up. i was just drifting along taking classes i wasn't even sure i was into but it was okay because thats kind of how everyone else was back then, too. it was normal to act like a dumb kid because thats what i was. it was alright if i stayed holed up in my room for a week straight, and it was alright if i spent nights out getting fucked up and not coming home till the next day. nobody cared. and technically i could still do that now, and nobody would care, but it would come with this added heaviness. a layer of intangible responsibility and the ever present knowledge that time is running out. in a very real way. the change has somehow been subtle but brutal at the same time. it's kind of like that thing lorde said about being a teenager: all my life i’ve been obsessed with adolescence, drunk on it. even when i was little, i knew that teenagers sparkled. i knew they knew something children didn’t know, and adults ended up forgetting.

so now i think i'm forgetting it, whatever i knew back then. it's weird because i was always very aware that i would get older and that the future would be full of grief. and i didn't really take advantage of being young. i actually kind of wanted to grow up because i thought it meant life would improve. i was always told i was mature for my age and all that crap. but it's one thing to know it and another thing to experience it and lately ive been experiencing it a lot, the start of it at least. i think this is all leading up to what i miss most about being seventeen and that is that is that my sister was alive, and my childhood didn't seem so far away, and future worries were just that. future worries. i didn't think life would die out around me this quickly honestly, my own life as well, and its messing me up. to answer your question, if i could go back i would do everything differently. i would have way more fun, and i would actually try, and i would help the people around me more than i ever did back then. i would just enjoy not having to know what to do. i would just "be" better. if i had been aware that the next four years would be like this it would have scared the shit out of me. there's things that have happened that can not be reversed or helped, and it's super hard to comprehend that the consequences fall on my shoulders. now i just have to sit day after day knowing that it's too late, and i never had that feeling when i was seventeen. and it's like, one of the worst emotions to carry around with you so yeah. i miss not having to mourn all the time and not having to care about tomorrow!

[monsterqueers]

Nonhuman Still A Decade Later - An Essay

So ive been identifying as a therian for around decade now, and otherkin and fictionkin about 6-ish(7?). I never made huge amounts of insightful posts, and I don't have any hot takes to add to other people’s. My internet presence is largely a fandom one with a side of social justice things, and thus even if I did have something I felt worth saying on the topic beyond yet another awakening story or an explanation of my past lives and whathaveyou, the viewership would be small and those who might find worth in the post wouldn’t see it.

I am no greymuzzle, no queer elder, no ‘fandom old’, I was 12-ish and heard ‘therian’ on a furry podcast and went ‘oh, thats the word for how I am. Everything makes sense now’ and proceeded to lurk mostly thereafter. I don't have all that much wisdom, im just vibing over here. But, I can talk about what its like, ten years later.

'Growing Out Of It'

I mean, you might. You might realize you aren’t a wolf, or a angel, or a pikachu or whatever. You might work through your misanthropy and gender dysphoria and trauma and internalized woes and fraught teenage experiences and come out the other side finding you aren’t these things. There's no shame in that, and it does happen.

These no shame in having a past life that you used to ID strongly as, but don't anymore, or you find you were a different kintype than you thought, or that you were human all along, even years later.

You could still ID as the thing but its not as bright anymore- but rather how humans view being human; barely of note most of the time. You may go from shifting every day heavily to being slightly shifted at all times and spiking rarely.

BUT

But, not only does that not make your experience in-the-moment any less real, but it also could just never happen. You might never have how you identify fade or change.

It might sound scary, it might be scary in the moment, even, but there is nothing truly to fear from change like this, nor from discovering what you are, really. It is a new evolution of you. It may be sad, to say goodbye to a label you've had for so long, that helped you find friends, or got you through tough times, but it doesn’t fit anymore. Marie Kondo has the right of it- thank that label, that community, that identity, and move to what does fit- what helps you.

It might also sound scary, that you will be a nonhuman thing in a meatsuit that doesn't fit until you die, that you might not ever grow out of the uncontrolled shifting and the aching dysphoria and homesickness for places you have never been. And maybe it will never go away, but it will get easier. You will find coping methods, supportive people, have access to resources and help. Eventually, these things hurt less. You get used to it. You settle into your skin, even if it isnt the right one, its still yours.

Cringe

At this point, I am immune to cringe. You will get there too, probably. Im a plural, nonhuman, neurodivergent, furry, fictionkind, genderqueer and regular queer magic-using, anime-watching, kinky fandom freak of a pagan and im living my best life. I wear a collar in public every day. My face mask has a cat face on it and I plan to get more just like it. Im going to be adding a tail and claw gauntlets to my itinerary of everyday wear once I get something properly washable. At some point you just stop caring as much about how others perceive you. So what if what you do is embarrassing and weird? It makes you happy, right? You aren't going to get hurt wearing it? Then go for it! You have nothing to lose but your shame. People will try to shame you, that is true, but as time goes on, you will find you give less of a shit about if people laugh or stare. You can bottle it up, or you can be free. Just be sure to be safe.

The Disk Horse

Once you’ve been here awhile, drama becomes the same cycles- the same drama llama, different day. You’ve already seen that argument, years ago. You’ve read that thread, you were there for that community debate that settled how the forum would do things. You’ve seen the same types of trolls, the same bad actors pop up. It gets old, after awhile.

Maybe you used to have the energy to debate and discuss and keep up with all of that, but you probably don’t now. Or if you do, its simply to inform and lurk and not to debate anymore.

Your love of debate will fade when you have the same one every six months for ten years. Trust me.

Dunking on trolls and rude assholes and debating with KFFs and anti-kin and having intra-community fistfights is going to lose its shine, especially when you look back at the posts years from now and see how many hours you wasted typing at people who aren’t going to listen to facts and certainly wont listen to you.

Daily Life

Its- normal. I am a dragon, I am a cat, I am living life.

Personally, I have some past lives I no longer identify as that I used to- even though the past life is still there. I have kintypes i've since learned I had kinfeels of only because of other identity relations (paratypes, I believe the new word is called). I used to shift often, I don't much anymore, its a low-grade 20% all the time. Since figuring out and coming to terms with our plurality, some kinfeels were found to belong to people who are not me. We have access to buying things that alleviate dysphoria, we no longer have the horrible emotional state we had in high school that exacerbated nonhuman difficulties.

Life is good, strangely enough. And I am still a cat and a dragon in a human meatsuit (with some other folks in here with me!), and that is just how I like it.

All and all- whats being nonhuman like after ten years of having the same label? Normal. It feels comfortable. Like living. I have always been these things, and I very likely will always feel this way. I no longer feel shame for doing things I used to be scolded for, I no longer feel quite so discontent with my physical form, I feel whole (ironically, being many people in one body).

Its just...Living, but as a nonhuman. There isn't much more to say.

[botanyshitposts]

I get scared when people from Iowa talk about corn like I have crocs and gators taking over my town but damn you make it sound like corn is going to murder my family for fun

this is true but i cant articulate how your perception of corn in particular changes when you start spending real time in a corn field. like ive talked about this before on here, but i had a job a few years back working in experimental corn fields as manual labor, and despite having been born and raised here I realized that, in iowa at least, much of the corn you encounter is over your head when fully grown, and it….kind of forms a weird liminal space very different from what it looks like on the surface.

like, we were regularly going out in 80 and 90 degree heat in full body protective gear, but when youre in there its actually cooler by a couple degrees because of the rainforest effect it has. almost nothing grows on the ground in a corn field because the corn blocks out all the light. you need to wear the protective gear that i mentioned because the leaves will cut you if you do not wear long pants, a long shirt, sunglasses/some kind of eye protection, and in our cases one of those hats with a protective net that goes over your face. we wore those backpacks with the watering tubes because we were traversing the fields on foot and once we went in we would not be coming out for 4-5 hours, moving through them all the time (those fields……are way bigger than they seem from the outside). 

and when it gets really windy, and the whole field is bending at once around you? holy shit. ive never experienced anything like it tbh. like the day im thinking of that summer, they were hurrying our group along with our measurements because a storm was coming, and the whole field was listing to the side in the wind, but like….it’s still above your head. and in terms of proximity, you cannot walk anywhere in a cornfield without touching corn, which sounds obvious, but it practice it creates this weird illusion of a static maze. it’s like you’re in a really dense forest that you can only comfortably walk through by following narrow trails laid out in a grid. when it’s all bending like that at once….it’s wild, like i was tripping over my feet because it was really fucking with like….. my brain knowing where to walk lmao. i couldn’t really see the ground in front of me. i couldn’t see the rows. like, maize in it’s essence is a giant grass, so it’s like when you see those meadows and there’s wind blowing them and it looks like an ocean? like that but giant and ur inside.

also i can 10000% confirm you can literally get lost in a corn field. it is that vast and uniform. and i don’t mean like, haha corn maze, i mean like you can get actually lost, and when you try to yell for help the corn eats up the sound. i have no idea what people did before radios. 

[stanharu]

beastars episode 22 thoughts!

lots of exciting events in this week's ep!! i mention some spoilers for the finale so tread with caution.

overall, i really enjoyed this week's ep. it covered chapters 83, 84, 85, 87, 89, and a small part of 93. i feel like from that knowledge alone you can tell that the pace is really picking up near the end of this arc, which ppl have been kinda predicting since the beginning eps had a lotta new stuff added. there's 11 chapters left of this arc to be animated and only 2 episodes left to cover them, so like most everyone else im pretty worried about how the finale will be paced, but im still trying to be optimistic about it.

anyway, onto the episode itself. i like the way the anime is doing riz's scenes. being able to hear how he justifies devouring tem voiced really drives how fucked up his whole sitation is i think.

now, i feel like i cant really keep talking about my thoughts on this ep until i mention my biggest issue with it. similar to louis & legosi's meetup in the BAM, the moth scene, which is when legosi's fur grows back, was also pushed back much further in the anime than it happened in the manga. a lot of the scenes in this episode (legosi's talk with haru & his initial fight with riz) happen after the moth scene, and legosi is supposed to have his fur back in them, but since it was pushed back in the anime, he's still bald. im kinda disappointed by that. give legosi his wig back already!! lol

anyway, im always happy to see haru. so i really enjoyed legosi and her lil talk. (wish legosi wasnt still bald tho but i've already talked about this lol) they both care so much about louis it makes me 🥺 ot3 REAL!!!!

i really liked this part with their hands, and the way legosi dusted the stairs off with his tail for haru to sit was so cute 🥺

next... pina and riz!! i am a lil sad we the anime didn't give us this visual of riz sneaking up on pina but i also enjoyed the way the anime did it instead!!

"he's just standing there...menacingly." lol

also!!! pina finally delivers one of his most famous lines!!!

i really loved this part, and yuki kaji's performance was phenomenal. pina's expressions were also amazingg

i only wish that we got to linger a bit more on the shot of pina after he gave his big speech.

this next part makes me want to lose it if i think about it took long ajdflksjdlfjs.

idk why the anime decided to take this bit between free and ibuki out from the tunnel scene and put it before then. i feel like it's like telling the viewers upfront "Ibuki Is Going To Die" (tho maybe the ED already kinda implies that too sdjflskjdf). tho idk maybe since ive read the manga already my view is a bit skewed. but yeah, i dont really like this reveal got moved. i like that there arent many hints to the tunnel scene until after it happens and then it gets revealed that ibuki had known for a while that his death was imminent, i think it hits harder that way.

now for part 1 of legosi and riz's big fight. ive been so excited to see this animated and it did not disappoint. again, i wish legosi wasnt still bald lmao but otherwise i was hyped the whole time watching this. legosi has his face scars at last!!

tho i will say that this part being 2d animated while the series is generally 3d animated took me out of the moment for a bit sjdlksjdf

but having riz's silhouette appear through the blood was super cool

also riz looked so deranged during this whole fight i kinda loved it lol.

tiddy grab

lastly i wanna say im kind of obsessed with this shot. legosi covered on blood, riz being reflected in the mirror, legosis foot in his mouth lol.

based on the very end scene of this ep and the preview for next week's ep, it looks like it'll open with the moth scene, which im really excited to see. one thing i noticed tho is that it seems like in the anime it was gouhin's idea for legosi to eat live insects, while in the manga it seemed to be legosi's idea. idk how i feel about a change like that. it might not be a big deal or it might be significant but i can't find the right words as to why. im not really sure but its just a lil weird to me.

theres just 2 episodes left, im super excited!!!!!!