#“want to socialize? okay join our church”

[loveotomization]

Gets up on a roof top, screams

I want real life friends!!!!!!

[sebastiansvertebrae]

Once more to see you

Chapter 1: Life flashing

Second chapter

2,200 words long

Notes

Hello it's been awhile since I published FanFiction on Tumblr so if I'm not using the correct layout I'm sorry if you like it you can send me asks about it also all of these are posted on A03 before they're posted on Tumblr the link will be included with every chapter have fun

I think my family is Fuckkig cursed.

Dad died when I was like three. At least I think so. The last picture that I found of him was when I was three so yeah. I don't remember anything about him. And nobody seems to want to talk about him either. Maybe he was an ass.

Early tragedy but the rest of my family was pretty okay. For a while.

Mom worked hard to raise us right, always prioritizing us. She would spend her day at work and come home to work even harder. Homework, housework I don't think she ever got to have a social life. But we were enough for her. She used to say. I wish I noticed how much she was running herself ragged before.

Maybe that's why she was so strict on us. curfew, homework, chores, Church. and Maria was the one who resisted the most. Funny they say the middle is the most rebellious. Maria was an exception. She was impulsive, got into fights and even got arrested once. She was also the first one to say that she had stopped believing. And started skipping Church. I remember her and Mom arguing pretty regularly when she still lived in the house. İt was kind of scary.

So I retreated into my older brother's room where the computer was but also where the guitar was where the posters was and I still remember that wretched smell of cologne and my mom's old eyeliners the Hot topic shirts and him in the middle of it always ready to welcome me always ready to let me join in on his fun.

Sebastian, my older brother.

He was always there even more than my mother. When Mom was at work and Maria was hanging out with her friends he was there with me. He helped me make my club penguin account. He showed me how to Pirate games. He played on the computer with me. He even sometimes took me out on town when I started Middle School. His friends liked me. I felt like I was a part of the big kids.

When we were having fun I tried to record everything with his phone and the family camera. Especially when he was playing his guitar. I even sometimes join in with my horrible singing. I wanted to send them somewhere, maybe we would become Stars I imagined. He just laughed and said that he will get on to it he never did.

When I got my own phone when I started Middle School. I took it up to 11. Taking pictures and recording everything. Every outing, every song, every joke, every funny face, every moment. And then at the end of the day I uploaded them to the computer. So that I could do it all over again. And I'm so grateful that I did.

Sebastian effortlessly excelled in almost every class. Even tutoring other kids including me. He had a fun way of explaining all the topics. His favorite class was physics. He told me about how he imagined building machines. His teachers said that he had the brightest future out of all of us.

He did not have many friends but the friends he had were incredible. All of them were driven like him. I remember they were pretty nice to me when I tagged along on outings. Calling me the coolest kid they know. And praising my photography skills tells me that I might have a future in this.

And as I grew up our relationship grew up too. I started to learn more and more of his secrets. How he and his friends cheated off of each other. How his best friend was actually his boyfriend. And how much he smoked. That was always a faint smell of cigarettes as he was driving me back home. Of course I never told Mom.

When I asked him he always said It reminds me of Dad. also told me to never smoke. I'm sorry I broke that promise. I told him my own secrets too. How I had a crush on a boy. And I knew that mom wouldn't really like that. He just patted my head and said same.

I remember how he celebrated when he managed to get into that engineering program. I got a little scared that he was going to leave but it was local. And even as he was studying in a competitive program he still found time for me.

He was the perfect brother at least to me. My life was perfect, everything was perfect. But it didn't stay that way. İt couldn't stay that way. Everyday I pray to a god that I no longer believe to take me back.

I barely remember the last night before everything. We probably played some games before he went to that party. I remember him and Mom were discussing something but I don't really remember. I was spending time with my club penguin boyfriend. I wish I could hug him for the last time.

And then the hell started at that 3:00 a.m. police call. I remember my mom's shaky voice. And how there was no light in her eyes. When she turned to look at me after the call only whispering nine people.

And then I remember the smell of that room. Looking at him in that orange uniform his hands cuffed. He begged us to believe that he was innocent. I remember he cried, I cried, we all cried as a family. Mom promised that we were going to find a way out of this.

İn the next thing the hammer was hit the sentence was given. The fuckkig death sentence. I barely remember jumping out of that podium. Running to him as they're taking him away. Begging them, pleading with them. I tried to hug him and they pushed me away. I couldn't save him and I never saw him again.

I think I blocked out the rest of the ordeal. I just remembered the emotions but not. The events. I remember feeling stuck. Not being able to pick up a camera or take a picture. Waking up in a cold sweat remembering everything. And Mom wasn't any better. I watched her deteriorate. Get more and more obsessed with the case. Even if he was gone she wanted to prove his innocence. And of course Maria was nowhere to be seen.

The school kind of forced me to get counseling. And I could fear that everybody feared me. The other kids started avoiding me. My friends basically abandoned me. The counselor kind of helped me. I told everything to him. I even came out to him.

And that son of a b**** outed me so everybody hated me even more. I picked up smoking. I promised him but smell. The smell took me back. Took me back to a simple time where we just drove around town. Chatting about random stuff. İt felt like he was there with me again.

I lived like that for 2 years. The world moved on and it kept spinning. I continued getting okay grades. I kept out of trouble. I tried to be like Sebastian. This is what he would have wanted right? But one day when I was smoking after school another boy smoked with me. We got to chatting. He was from the neighboring private schooll. And then we were making out in his car.

Chris, my first real lboyfriend. He introduced me to his friends. And we all started hanging out. That was a mistake. I can see that now. They were rich kids with no consequences. But for the first time in a long time I felt happy. Even as we committed Petty crimes and drove over the speed limit.

Shortly after my 15th birthday my mom did it and she proved his innocence. I was on court that day but she didn't look happy. İt was too little too late. İnstead of this made her snap more. After that day she started planning something else. And I was too busy having fun with my new friends to notice.

Just before my 16th birthday. My mom killed Sebastian's lawyer. Brutally, violently, slowly. And she was on court on my 16th birthday. She pleaded guilty. Talking about how this was God's punishment. And God told her to do it. She didn't even get a lawyer; they gave her life.

I wasn't there. I was getting drunk and smoking weed with Chris and his friends. But Maria told me and shortly after she took custody of me moving back home. We didn't have much of a relationship before now we had none. She wasn't even home that much spending most of her time at her job. But she left me a credit card and an empty house.

So I spent all of my time with Chris as we grew up we got more and more hardcore. I had my first line of coke when I was 18. And before I turned 19 I had basically tried every drug under the sun. But they never had me but they never let me have too much. He told me that I became a buzzkill. Constantly talking about My Dead brother.

So I was always trip watching. I was looking out for the cops as they partied and committed crimes. And then they returned home to their loving Rich families. And I returned home to an empty house. I sometimes smuggled hallucinogens into the house. Bought Sebastian's favorite cologne. Bathing in the cologne and taking the hallucinogens. And then I could see him again. I could talk to him again. And for a moment everything felt right again.

But of course the trip ended when I woke up and I felt even more miserable. So I returned to Chris's house just to get more. I did everything he wanted just to get more. But I still blame myself for what I did. For agreeing to do it. They all got bailed out. I spent my 21st birthday in jail.

And I was in a courtroom again. As my charges were laid out. I plead guilty. I know what I did and I know the high security prison is what I deserve. So my family's curse continues. I'm sorry Sebastian. I'm sorry Mom. I'm sorry I ended up like this.

2 weeks before my 25th birthday the guys in the black suits came. They called for me. And I answered. They said that they were from Urbanshade and offered a complete pardon and ridiculous amounts of money. But it had a catch. Expendable not expected to return.

I should have refused this was a horrible idea. That will end with my death. But I stayed there and I considered it. I didn't have anything to return to. Mom in prison. Maria turned her back on the family. All of my friends have forgotten me. I have nothing to lose except my life. My worthless life that I ruined.

But I also feel something else, a weird feeling. That told me to go and told me to see. I remember my mom telling me that God spoke to us in our worst times. I thought about Sebastian again. I am older than him now. İf afterlife is real, maybe he will appreciate me dying for a good cause.

I accepted and then I was rushed away to a bus and airport another airport another bus and then a facility. I was given a briefing. Forced to put on the uncomfortable suit. With a bomb attached to my neck. And then I was in a submarine with four strangers. That I was probably going to die with.

And I'm just now realizing that my life just flashed before my eyes. Am I that scared? Even if I am then why did I come here? Why am I doing this? What would he think of me now? Throwing my life away on a feeling? Well I already ruined my life? And then I heard them say we are landing. As I felt the submarine stop. Well it was too late to return.

I slowly walked out. This was exactly what I expected. Cold and smooth. And then I heard an announcement basically the same thing as the briefing. Retrieve the crystal. Don't stray from the Path. Survive for as long as you can. I took a breath the air in here stank but at least it was better than being stuck on the submarine.

I quickly went for the Lockers in front of me. There were a lot of files I wanted to take a peek at but I knew that that would be unwise. I didn't want to die immediately after getting off so I put them away and then I heard somebody call for all of us. He had found a key card. He was an older looking man. We all huddled around the door. but before he swiped he turned. “I would like to know all of your names for communication purposes. My name Su-Jin’ No Su-Jin ”I nodded and gave out my name.

“Alejandro, Alejandro solace”

Ending notes

thank you for reading I hope to continue this soon hope you guys send me asks or leave a comment or reblog please that will be very appreciated

[ronnie-quinn]

It Takes a Hotel to Raise a Cub

Chapter 2 - Sneaking Out

Plot: Today’s redemption exercise brings back horrible memories for Crymini.

Content Warning: Religious trauma, injury, blood

“Today’s redemption exercise is a classic! We’re going to be doing a scavenger hunt!” Charlie cheerfully announced to the residents in the lobby.

Crymini groaned internally as Vaggie passed out colored pieces of paper to everyone. A scavenger hunt? Couldn’t Charlie have chosen something that wasn’t so… juvenile? Hell, why did Charlie have to make everyone do these fucking challenges?

“You guys will be split into two groups and the team with the items found first wins! So, if you have an orange piece of paper, go in front of the bar with me and Vaggie. If your piece of paper is pink, go stand in the lounge area.”

Crymini looked down at her paper. It was pink. She looked at the paper more and rolled her eyes. The instructions were stupid and childish.

Find something that is blue. Find something that holds clothes inside.

Crymini crumbled up her paper and crammed it in her hoodie pocket as she trudged over to her group.

———

In the kitchen, Crymini sat by herself while the rest of her group searched for three items on their list, which were the following: a utensil you cook with, something that keeps your food cold, and something that heats up food.

“Hey, you feeling okay?” Rebecca, a meerkat demon, asked.

“I’m fine,” Crymini said bluntly.

“How come you’re not joining in on the fun?” Husk asked.

Crymini shrugged as she pulled out her phone and began scrolling through social media. Rebecca and Husk walked away as the hyena continued viewing her phone. She looked back up at the group after a few seconds. They looked like they were having a lot of fun. Crymini huffed at this. She felt so out of place. This was all completely déjà vu for her, familiar feelings that she can’t shake off. This all reminded her of her church life in the living world.

💭 ————————— 💭

Katherine - Age Seven

Katherine was seven, and she was with a group of children her age during Vacation Bible School. Her mom, Judy, was one of the main teachers during this summer event, even way before Katherine was born, so of course she had to go. Katherine felt out of place, however. She didn’t fully understand anything about church. She didn’t like nor comprehend the songs the worship leaders were teaching the kids to sing. She didn’t understand about God nor the stories in the Bible. Why did Jesus have to die? Why did he rise from the dead three days later, when that’s actually impossible on Earth? Why wasn’t anyone questioning this?

During snack time, Katherine was sitting next to a girl named Amanda. She decided to ask about something that was running through her mind for a while.

“Hey, Amanda, why do the teachers teach us so much about Jesus?” Katherine questioned.

“Because He died for our sins,” Amanda responded.

“I know, but why are we being taught this?”

“Because the teachers know about the good news and want to share it with us, and they want us to share it with everyone around us.”

“Yeah, but… none of this feels right. I mean, if God knew that Jesus was gonna die, why didn’t He stop it from happening? Why did He know that Adam and Eve were going to eat from a tree when He told them not to? I think God just made a bunch of mistakes, if you ask me.”

Amanda’s cheerful face fell silent. Tears formed in her eyes and she started to cry. The rest of the group heard her crying and stared at Katherine, who was just as stunned.

“What did you do?” One of the kids, Jackson, glared.

“I just asked a bunch of questions,” Katherine said. “I didn’t mean for Amanda to get upset.”

“Woah, woah, woah! What’s going on here?” Patty, a VBS volunteer, asked as she walked over to the table.

“Kathy was saying mean stuff about God,” Amanda sobbed as she pointed at Katherine.

“What? I was just being honest, I wasn’t trying to be mean,” Katherine defended.

“Wait for me in the hallway, now,” Patty ordered.

“But I wasn’t-”

“Now!”

Katherine groaned as she got up and walked out. Once she reached the hallway, she leaned against the wall as she crossed her arms. Her stomach twisted in knots and she felt like crying herself.

“Why did you say to Amanda that God made mistakes?” Patty asked angrily after walking out of the room.

“I don’t understand any of this Bible stuff. It makes no sense,” Katherine stated. “How does anyone understand it?”

“That doesn’t give you the right to be disrespectful.”

“I wasn’t being disrespectful, I-”

“I think you need to go see your mother.”

“No, please! I can’t go see Mother!” Katherine pleaded.

“Yes, you can. Come with me,” Patty said as she took Katherine by the hand and took her to talk with her mom.

💭 ————————— 💭

Crymini snapped back to reality when Husk tapped her on the shoulder.

“Hey, are you alright?” Husk asked.

“Okay, can you stop asking me that?” Crymini snarled. “It’s none of your business.”

Husk sighed heavily.

“You know you can talk to me whenever you feel ready.“

“Because you’re the bartender that everyone bitches to?” Crymini retorted.

“Yes, but I know that you can’t just hide what you’re feeling. It’s not healthy for you to do that,” Husk pointed out.

“Whatever…”

“Well, we better get going and meet up with our team.”

“Yeah, sure. I gotta pee, though.”

“Alright, just head over the greenhouse when you get done. That’s where our team is,” Husk said as he walked out of the kitchen. Crymini shortly followed and started to go upstairs. However, she decided she had enough of all of this. She walked over to the empty bar and went behind the bar counter. She then grabbed a bottle of vodka before walking out of the hotel.

———

After finding a rare plant in the greenhouse, the pink team began looking in the library to look for some books since they were on the list. Rebecca looked around the room and saw that Crymini wasn’t present.

“Hey, has anyone seen Crymini?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Maybe she’s still in the kitchen,” Lucifer suggested.

“What’s going on?” Husk asked.

“Crymini’s not here,” Rebecca explained.

“She had to pee. I told her to come over here when she’s finished.”

“But it’s been over ten minutes, though.”

“It has?”

Husk looked down at his phone and saw that it had been ten minutes. He then checked his messages and saw that Crymini hasn’t responded to the messages he sent of where the pink team was.

“Shit… I’ll go see if Crymini’s okay,” Husk volunteered. “You guys keep doing the scavenger hunt.”

Husk walked out of the library. He then headed over to Crymini’s room and knocked on the door.

“Hey, Crymini, everything okay in there?” Husk asked. No response. “Kid?”

The cat opened the door to see that Crymini’s room was empty. He then saw that the bathroom door was open and the lights were off in there.

“Kid?”

Husk walked over to the bathroom and turned on the lights. There was no sign of Crymini anywhere.

“Oh, shit…”

Husk headed downstairs and searched around the lobby and the lounge. Nope, no Crymini here. He looked in the kitchen, but Crymini wasn’t there either - only Angel, Charlie, Vaggie, and the orange team.

“Hey, Whiskers, is everything okay?” Angel asked.

“No, I can’t find Crymini anywhere? She must have left our team,” Husk said. “Have you seen her?”

“No, but we’ll keep an eye out.”

“Wait, Crymini’s missing?” Charlie questioned. “Where’d she go?”

“I don’t know, she said she had to use the bathroom, but she wasn’t in there,” Husk replied.

Some of the sinners overheard the conversation and started to worry.

“Okay, let’s not panic. I’m sure Crymini didn’t go far off,” Vaggie reassured. “Alright, everyone, new scavenger hunt. Let’s all split up and see if she’s around here in the hotel. I’ll go alert the pink team.”

And everyone was off.

———

Meanwhile, Crymini was sitting in front of the memorial statue of Dazzle, drinking from the vodka bottle she stole. She started reminiscing on her friendship with Raven and Ash. They were misfits who had their own fair share of trauma in the living world and in Hell, so they would help each other and Crymini feel at home, a genuine feeling that she hadn’t felt in a long time.

“Here’s to you, guys. I wish you were here with me,” Crymini sighed. “You helped me forget every shitty thing that has happend to me.”

Crymini began to take another swig of vodka, when suddenly, a familiar deep baritone voice called out, “Crymini?”

The hyena jumped and accidentally dropped the glass bottle on the ground, causing it to break into tiny pieces.

“Oh, fuck!” Crymini gasped as she panicked and proceeded to try and pick up the broken pieces. However, when she grabbed a piece of glass, she accidentally cut her paw. “Ow, fuck!”

“Crymini, what happened?” Husk questioned as he ran by and saw Crymini clutching her bleeding hand.

“It’s nothing,” Crymini denied as she painfully sucked air through her teeth.

“It doesn’t look like nothing. We gotta get you patched up.”

“No way. I’m fine.”

“Bullshit. I’m taking you to the infirmary.”

“The fuck you are.”

Crymini started to run off, but Husk caught her in time and began guiding her back inside the hotel.

“Okay, this isn’t fucking funny anymore,” Crymini seethed with growing rage and began squirming in to try and break away, like a criminal trying to escape being handcuffed by a cop. “Quit acting like you’re my fucking dad and let me go!”

“No, you need help,” Husk responded.

“I don’t need your fucking help! I don’t need anyone’s help!”

“Hey, you found Crymini,” Angel sighed with relief as he ran over to Husk and Crymini.

“Yeah, can you help me?” Husk requested. “Crymini’s hurt and-“

“I don’t need any help, so leave me alone!” Crymini shrieked, causing Husk and Angel to fall silent. “Yeah, go ahead and fucking look at me! Why don’t you go ahead and piss off? I’m okay and I’ve been through a lot worse! This is nothing new!”

Husk and Angel stared at Crymini, then at each other. They were both in shock with the hyena had just said.

Crymini’s wound began to hurt more, causing her to hiss in pain again.

“Come on, we don’t care if you want to or not, but we gotta fix your cut,” Husk said once he internally calmed down.

“Please, no…” Crymini muttered as Angel took off one of his gloves and carefully wrapped it around her cut. He then gently picked her up and held her on his hip. She could feel tears beginning to pour out of her eyes as she whimpered from the pain she was in.

"It's okay, Crymini. We're gonna get you fixed up," Angel whispered as he rubbed Crymini's back and carried her back inside the hotel.

[granulesofsand]

Generations in Programming

One of the things I’ve noticed in published books is the differences between survivor stories before and after the memory wars gap. It’s not the way they tell their stories, but the information itself. For example, the period shift from Satanic Ritual Abuse to RAMCOA (usually RA/OA or a similar combination) opened the gate for those who experienced religious abuse in the context of non-satanic religions or had been noticing cult phenomena within other groups altogether.

There have been huge shifts in the methods and results of programming over the years, some of which can be attributed to progression of learning over time, but also some that tie into current events of the period. The earliest TBMC occurred naturally throughout history, but the first formal experimentation led to a standardization in programmed systems that previously was only true under shared cultural norms.

Survivors of MKUltra and similar government-sponsored projects have foundational structures used with more complex variation today, and share their experiences with aligned groups during the time. Cults joined into the category of high control groups, and their escapees were comparable to those of experiment subjects from other circumstances.

While Christianity was still absolute throughout the US, Satanic groups formed regularly or were used as masks for church-based groups who wanted to continue hurting their members. As different religions became popular, so did offshoot cults along with them. The amount of abuse within Christian organizations is likely no different, but those who defend it are less successful in redirecting blame after scandals exposed in the Catholic community.

Recently, survivors have been allowed to tell their stories without published books. Some are too young to have been included in current editions, but share online so that their experiences are also known. The youngest group I’ve seen includes older teenagers and young adults, which are about the most accurate to the state of programming now, with the exception of young children who were removed from their abusive circumstances via protections actually working.

All of those groups have further divisions, but the kind of programming used has evolved and morphed in ways that imply there is still connection between abusers groups (cause… internet) that has led to clusters of programming shared in generations. Even on social media, we’ve seen programmed systems with alters matching the names and roles of some of ours. Some similarities are unlike programs we’ve read about before, and sometimes hadn’t even considered as possibly programmed.

Lists are still regularly made and updated by survivors in contact with each other, and I’m thinking it may be worthwhile to make one of the little keys of what we’ve found. We don’t share names and roles of programmed alters we think might be obvious, but if it is a generational thing I want people to have whatever information there is.

Deprogramming has been made easier for us sometimes purely because someone else figured out a pattern before us. I think it would be okay if I separated crucial information and did it online. Eventually I want to make a website that actually has sources and is accurate to survivors, but now I just want people to know that there are differences in age groups, and they are of course still valid for it.

[rorygilmre]

What's your issue with RBG? Asking curiously because I never hear anyone talk badly about her

okay, i want to make it very clear that i do not hate rbg. i love her, i loved her until her last breath, and i took a very long time to mourn her death. she was an inspiration for me as someone who wants to go into law and she still is. i have rbg quotes on my laptop and filed away in my soul.

HOWEVER, as i discuss a lot, we have to be critical of our idols. these people are idols and inspirations for a reason, and we have to hold them to a certain standard and not just blindly praise them for everything they do. (yes this does also apply to a certain very tall blonde singer)

as for rbg, i will always love and admire and celebrate her for her social justice wins, especially in her lifelong fight for gender justice and reproductive rights - and that is what she's best known for and she deserves to be praised and idolized for those aspects of her career.

BUT, as an avid supreme court watcher/research/analyst, i also think it's important that we discuss and pay attention to her voting record while she was on the supreme court. on several occasions, she would employ conservative thinking and vote with the conservative justices. she was very close friends with antonin scalia, perhaps one of the worst conservative justices ever (consider that alito and thomas got a lot of their thought processes from scalia... scalia is easily the most hated by liberal supreme court analysts) and if you think that friendship did not impact her opinions at the court... you'd be wrong. rbg was very willing to support conservative ideas and thinking on certain issues while she was a justice and it is well-documented.

take this quote from a politico article: “[Judge] Ginsburg was known as a restrained and fair-minded judge who did her homework and then some.” She was “considered moderate to conservative on criminal issues and business law,” relatively progressive “on issues such as free speech, religious freedom and separation of church and states,” and more liberal on “civil rights and access to the courts.” (this quote is referring to her time as a judge prior to joining the supreme court)

that same article goes on to list several opinions in which rbg joined conservative justices in the majority, including decisions in 2019 where she voted with justices thomas, alito, and kavanaugh and others where she sided with justice scalia.

now, obviously, rbg help to create the interpretation of the 14th amendment that gave us abortion rights and the right to gay marriage (though she was, herself, critical of roe v. wade). obviously, she's not all bad and i am not refusing her the legacy she built herself. i am merely saying we have to consider the good with the bad and we have to take a realistic view of who she was rather than simply ignoring large parts of her history.

[khodorkovskaya]

my most autistic moment yet (church drama) embarrassing storytime

27.08.23

so okay. i sing in the church choir right. i explained a bit like on how i started here. but basically after easter i came up to the choir director and asked if i could join. and she said "yes, welcome to our choir!". and thats how it all began.

the thing is i didn't grow up religious religious. i feel super out of place at church, idk what to do or how to act. so this whole time ive just been trying to pick up on social queues and do my best to not stick out like a sore thumb. so every time everyone does the cross thing, i do the cross thing, when people bow, i bow, when everyone gets on their knees, so do i. and it all feels pretty awkward i have to say. idk what the fuck im doing or why.

another thing is, im neurodivergent as fuck. i never feel like i belong anywhere. almost every social interaction feels like some kind of test that im failing at. i always feel like the person left out in a group. like my whole life ive just got used to the feeling of being an outsider. it feels like there are these rules everyone follows that i had not been informed of. everyone knows what to do and how to act. and all i do is imitate.

so in this sense church didn't feel too different. people look at me weird, i don''t feel included and everyone's following rules im oblivious too. seems like literally any other social setting, right?

and you may be wondering, why i decided to go to church in the first place if im not religious. well, singing there makes me euphoric and it really scratches an itch idk how to exlain it. the sensory stimulation part of the whole church thing like incense and the hymns that we sing and the aesthetics of it all, like it's very satisfying to me.

but back to the people there. so everyone there is always on edge. people are always shoving and pushing each other. and im always excluded. whenever music sheets are distributed im always skipped, so i often have to look over the shoulder of someone there to see what to sing. but often people dont even want to share with me. and everyone is in their little groups. theyre always whispering to each other and never talk to me. and no one says hello to me either.

so me with my little neurodivergent brain like i didn't think much of it at all. because, like i said, i never feel included anyway. im always the odd one out, like i have chronic imposter syndrome everywhere i go. and plus, i hope i don't get cancelled for racism, but i thought that everyone was mean and cold because they're russian... 💀 like forgive me pls, but like i just thought russians were unfriendly bc like eastern european resting bitch face stereotype. and i didn't want to impose myself and smile and wave if it's not a part of people's culture, right?

so anyway. ive been going to church literally every single sunday after easter without fail. ive been literally the most consistent person there, i show up every time. a lot of people only come like maybe every two weeks. and they don't stay until the end either. or they show up late. but im always there!

so yeah today i was there as usual. and the choir director comes up to me and says "you can't sing with us". and i was like what. and she was like "if you don't come to rehearsals and never show up you can't sing with us". and i was like shit, there are rehearsals??? and she looked at me like "yeahh 🙄 are you not in the groupchat?". THERE WAS A GROUPCHAT ALL THIS TIME????????

LIKE THAT'S WHY I WAS NEVER HANDED THE MUSIC SHEETS AND THAT'S WHY NOBODY SPOKE TO ME. LIKEEE

I WAS NOT OFFICIALLY PART OF THE CHOIR THIS WHOLE TIME AND DIDN'T NOTICE IT 😭😭😭😭😭😭

like it makes sense now. they all have an official groupchat and they all know each other and they have rehearsals and they sing multiple times a week for like other church events.

so yeah.... i literally was an outsider and imposter this whole time... and my neurodivergent ass didn't realise

but okay, conclusion to the story, it gets kinda worse actually.

so the choir director added me to the groupchat. but it's on telegram. and i only use telegram with my close friends. everything else that's like normal/professional i use whatsapp. so on whatsapp i have a normal profile picture and everything. meanwhile on telegram my profile picture is this...

it says "christ has risen" in the corner.

like

when she added me to the groupchat and i realised... i wanted to kms.

like imagine this like super religious woman. going through her contacts. checking if she has the right phone number. clicking on my profile picture to make sure. and seeing. this.

fucking christ has risen akjssjkdhkhd i want to die

i think my church choir phase is officially over.

[micaellaraine]

Hello! It’s enchanting to meet you all! I am Micaella Raine Roces, you can also call me Mica or Ella. Are you having a good day or nah? Well, I hope you are :)) If you are going to ask me, life has been tough for me lately. These past few months, weeks and days are kinda draining. But it’s fine! I have my friends, family and God! Well, the real purpose of this post is for you all to meet and know who is me, what’s my personal information and what is the background of my life.

All about Mica 🎀

Birthday: December 13, 2007

Birthplace: Zapote Lying In

Age: 16 years old

Sex: Female

Nationality: Filipino

I am also the eldest daughter among my 2 siblings.

I live in Kawit, Cavite and currently studying at Saint Mary Magdalene School. I am a grade 11 student with a strand, HUMSS. I am a consistent honor student since elementary, jhs and graduated with Gold Medalist Awardee and received an extra awards! I can’t express how proud I am with myself back then :))

I can actually speak :

7 languages! Tagalog, English and the five (5) love languages, chariz!

Growing up, my dream is to become a Successful Flight Attendant! ✈️ When I was in grade 4, I had an experience to ride an airplane for the first time. When I saw the beautiful flight attendants, it really inspired me to focus more on studies and become one of them in the future. As a grade 11 student, I chose HUMSS to enhance my public speaking, to practice my languange, speaking and communicating skills. With these, I will be able to perform those in the future, since it is required to a flight attendant to be more active in public communication. Btw, this is me when we had a career day in our school last school year (s.y 2023-2024).

This is my family, my comfort zone, my everything. We’re not perfect but I can say that we are happy family through bad and good times. I really love them so so much. I am really grateful that I am part of them. I am thankful because they are always here by my side to support me to achieve my dreams and they always make me happy even when I’m sad :))

Fun fucts about Me 🎀

My hobbies are:

-dancing💃

-travelling✈️

-going to church⛪️

-sleeping😴

-studying📚

-eating🍕

-yapping🫶🏻

-modelling👑

-shopping🛍️

-taking random pictures📸

I love to:

-Dance (p.s I’m not actually a good dancer but I can dance hehe)

- I also love to Travel different places! I want to try different cultures and traditions from other places :)) I find it a stress reliever everytime I travel.

As a kikay girlie, I love to do modelling and joining pageants since I was a kid.

I love foods! It gives me so much comfort especially when I’m not okay :))

I also love going to church every sunday! Sunday is my rest day. It is the day to worship and thank God for all of his goodness, guidance and protection that He gave to me.

Mica’s Comfort Zone 🎀

- friends 🎀

- foods 🍕

- sleep 😴

- beach/sound of waves 🌊

- music 🎶

- God ✨

- family 🫶🏻

Favorite Movie 🎀

- 100 tula para kay Stella

- I love lizzy

- Hello, Love, Goodbye

- Gonjiam

Favorite Music 🎀

- paper rings/ Taylor Swift

- ikaw lang/ Kiyo

- tadhana/ Up Dharma Down

- umaasa/ Calein

- midnight rain/ Taylor Swift

- de ja vu/ Olivia Rodrigo

Favorite Color 🎀

- white

- pink

- purple

- light blue

Kpop that I stan 🎀

- Bts

- Blackpink

- Enhypen

Favorite Foods 🎀

- carbonara

- ice cream

- fries

- pizza

- pancit canton

- tteokbokki

- kimchi

- sinigang

- bulalo

- apple

- strawberries

- mango & singkamas with bagoong

My social media accs 🎀

fb: Micaella Raine Roces

ig: yoitsmica_

tiktok: yoitsmica_

roblox: rainyyraineee

that’s all, thank you for spending time on reading everyone! I luv you all 🎀✨

#youonlyliveonce #girltherapy #ilovebeingwomen #girliethings

[krystlind]

2nd to last Sunday in Austin?

"the only reason I wouldn't be coming back to Austin is because I didn't fall in love" I could be back.. i also couldn't

There are so many important elements of a city character that are important for me here, let me illustrate a few things of the past few days:

drivability and distance: I could get to church in 15 minutes driving, choose coffee shops along the way, after church me and Tamy went to juiceland, no wait TJ (by the fruits of the spirit! I'm by the wine.. of Jesus) no wait manana, then we settled on Carpenter's (because Jesus was a carpenter!). Tonight I decided to go to the Shane's swing Jazz alone, and I could drive there in 5 min, see it for a bit, drive back easily

bumping into people: Brittany at Meteor, walking around Bouldin and waving at Kiki, saw Paige sitting with Wilbur at Carpenter's, (I've also bumped into Chloe here the other day) then we walked over to Juliet's after, I had a Caesar's salad for like nothing, we caught up on her podcast, the episode, her willingness to put on an ad

oh that's another thing! every one here has something unique and peculiar going on

FRIENDLINESS and people's readiness to make friends, our waiter "are you guys supermodels?" and then switching numbers so I can be part of the jam session

the down to earth community I have here (not like Miami where everyone needs to be going out or socializing to be social) I came back to the house, they are cooking pasta, or painting a jacket, watching a movie

I have "good people" - My pool party reflected that. the people I brought, they were genuine, they stayed, they DJ'd, cleaned, her friendly and talked with everyone.

My church: Red Rocks, SDA crew, I get to lead a Bible study, I get to contribute

access to cultural events and shows, like the Greek festival (okay overall city diversity is kinda lacking but whatever), Art Shows, Film Screenings

the non-pretentiousness, but you can still find the classy successful folks, I was at Proper the other day, met Darren and (forgot his name)

it's easy to see my friends: I can call them up and we can say walk around the lake, meet at this coffee shop, do this work out (Ghazal workout then Carpenter's), after Bible study at Simona's and Nissi wanted to talk, she just drove over to Giraffe house and we sat by pool and prayed

It's a college city so it helps with the abundance of educational events, progressive thought, youthful energy

Nature with the trees, water

Funny things can happen in one day like: Jeremey Pivvins event (screening, band, stand up in Alice & Olivia, having Clem+Cassandra+Lisa all there)

People so willing to become friends, connect, follow up, actually make it happen! meeting Nida and pool party, dinner this Thursday with her & Ghazal

Everything is so extremely accessible, close together, easy for magic to happen without having to plan or force so much

the only thing that is lacking is: fashion, international/cultural scene. but you know what? whatever. I realize what is high value and importance for me is: grounded-ness, compact, intimacy, sincere/non-pretentious people, access to cultural events and opportunities. I guess intimacy and close-knit, community for real! kind of why I liked to join start ups over big companies, or SF or NYC. something about the quirkiness and the ability to have a voice. I think about UCSD being a place I could be the EVP and maybe UCLA/UC Berkeley it would've been different

I feel proud because I feel I'm able to break through to Tamy, and hopefully she can break through to me. that we can help each other build. and I'm grateful to have Sola more on the spiritual upleveling, where me and Tamy are in proximity and are more similar in that we're building companies and looking for investors, whereas Sola has more of a teaching/coaching practice

oh I forgot my title was 2nd to last Sunday in Austin

because I'm not really sure what will unfold

I quite love my life this way

[a-witch-in-endor]

I really hope this isn’t disrespectful, if it is please feel free to ignore and I’m very sorry. I saw your recent post about diaspora and as someone who has gone their life never really knowing anyone irl who’s jewish and all I knew about antisemitism in school went as far as giving context for the Holocaust, just that antisemitism existed in Europe and was growing during the time.. I knew that the Jewish people had been persecuted in centuries before that, but never really the why of it. After reading your post I was wanted to try to find out why, and I feel so baffled rn. Christianity is not only a gigantic perpetrator of homophobia and an excuse for modern bigotry, but it’s also an origin of anti-Judaism in the early centuries? (If the articles i found were accurate in saying that Christians blamed the Jewish for the death of jesus) Doesn’t that mean that the prejudices that lead to the Holocaust were Christian-originating/perpetuated? How on earth can a religion that calls itself the “love thy neighbor” one be okay with this? How is the Church still around?? How can Christians justify themselves believing in a god and Church that has spread so much hate?

… my large bias against Christianity aside, it reminds me a bit of how social media and algorithms nowadays are designed intentionally to induce feelings of frustration and anger because statistically your investment in the thing/paying attention to it lasts longer and is more immersive. I wonder if it’s because of the .. “united prejudice” that has allowed Christianity to survive and grow throughout the centuries, spreading its ideas of hate and prejudice against the “other”, the outsider, while offering a sense of community and small little “love thy neighbor/thoughts and prayers/you’ll go to heaven” nonsense to the individuals who join and stay. It’s so evil. But I’m curious to hear more of your perspective on this. It’s easy to be upset in my own little bubble, but i wanted to ask more for your voice and perspective on the subject, if it’s okay. Thank you for reading either way and I hope you have a wonderful day ^^

Hi anon, I would have liked to reach out to you privately as there's a lot to parse here - so do feel free to unanon yourself if you want to chat.

I feel like there's a lot of pain here, which makes me wonder if you come from a culturally Christian background? I think that with these things, it's easy to get lost in the weeds of guilt, but we need to remember that there is a difference between being the recipient of privilege and being the guilty party. I know that might not always be in vogue to say, but you're not to blame for other people's harmful actions. Reducing antisemitic harm by recognising the weight of it is important. Getting crushed under that weight helps nobody.

(If that's not what's motivating you here, then please feel free to ignore. I don't mean to be patronising. It just felt like you were crying out under the weight of something that shouldn't be crushing you.)

To your more technical question about Christianity:

Antisemitism is a tricky thing to define. As long as tribes have existed, there have been insider-good-outsider-bad notions. For the first thousand or so years of our existence, things happened to the Jewish people which were awful, but were also typical. The Assyrians decimated the Northern Kingdom, and then the Babylonians destroyed the Temple and brought us into exile. When we returned to the native homeland and rebuilt our Temple, the Greeks came in and desecrated the Temple with idol worship and banned the study of Torah. Were they targeting us for being Jewish? Sometimes yes, because monotheism was a weird and wild concept. But they were doing the same thing to everyone else.

Our relationship with the Romans was also pretty terrible, but... well, the Romans didn't always have wonderful relationships with the indigenous peoples they were oppressing, y'know. We weren't really unique there. Again, something something monotheism something, but it was still fairly even-handed.

Christianity is, I think rightly, seen to be where antisemitism changed from general disdain for the Other to an insidious and in some ways unique hatred. I don't want this to turn into too much of an essay, but I'll list a few reasons this happened, which are not just "Christianity is evil at its core" (I don't really think many religious cultures are; religion is a natural human response to the search for meaning, so it's rare it's that rotten):

Christianity has a baked-in disdain for Judaism, because the originators of Christianity were all Jews who were engaged in criticism of their own culture, and this got lost when it became a Gentile religion. Jesus almost never spoke with non-Jews and his message was utterly rooted in Jewish custom and culture. I've lost count of the number of times I've explained to a random Christian friend what their own scripture is referring to, because the NT was written with the assumption that you understand its context. When the NT paints Jews with a broad brush, it is the way that we would speak about our own in-groups. However, Christianity after the time of Jesus quickly became a Gentile religion, and the Gentiles who were reading their scriptures understood that disdain for Jews from an outside perspective instead of an inside one.

Christianity then started to gain political power, and the early Church Fathers engaged in pointed anti-Jewish rhetoric because they were struggling to maintain boundaries. In those very early days of power, the Christians were moving into Gentile territory, but on a ground-level, they were still engaging with Jews because... well, monotheists (kind of) are going to interact with one another over the pagans, right? This led to some confusion among the laity, and the early church fathers were concerned that those blurry boundaries were going to cause issues. So they started preaching against the evil Jews to get their good Christians to separate themselves.

The second Jewish exile begins, and the native homeland is all but closed for business. Jews had a first exile and a smaller diaspora due to the Babylonians, but it was short-lived. We were able to return to the homeland and rebuild, albeit with restricted power. The second exile - the one we're arguably still in - is what led to the sprawling Jewish communities you know today. From the first century until the 20th, there was no place for Jews to go with any sense of guarantee of staying. This meant that Jewish communities would rely mostly on one another, and be seen as overly weird and unwilling to assimilate and convert. Before modernity, there was an assumption that Jews could and should convert to Christianity, which would solve the Jewish problem*. Lots of forced conversions occurred, but it didn't generally go well, because forcibly-converted Jews were suspected of... well, secretly retaining their Jewishness. And actually, a lot of them did, so it was a pretty accurate suspicion. Then a lot of Jews were killed under that suspicion.

In the Crusades, the Jews were the "enemy at home". Christian soldiers were marching off to war with the Muslims, but the Muslims were so far away. They would often attack Jewish communities either en route or instead of continuing farther, because the fervor to attack the enemy didn't really require you to march all that way.

Because Jewish communities didn't want to assimilate, they were often pointed at as an explanation for bigger problems. Yeah yeah, I know we all learned the term "scapegoat" in school, but it's important here. You have the mixture of: 1. they should be Christian because Christians are Good and Others are Bad, 2. they absolutely refuse to assimilate and like to be very insular, and 3. they're right there around the corner! This was a terrible mix of issues, because then when a little boy turns up dead or an illness spreads, there's a very easy finger to point. And the world is much easier to live in if you know whose fault a problem like that is. (And then add to that: Jews got less sick because we have religious rules about, um, washing our hands.)

Racialised "science" gets added to the mix. The term "antisemitism" was actually coined as a replacement for "Judenhass", or "Jew hatred", because there was a desire to say that Jews were racially different, not just religiously different. This was happening as race "science" was happening more broadly. While beforehand, the Jew could theoretically convert to Christianity and the Jewish problem could be solved (though that wasn't necessarily the case in practice), now, the Jewish problem was seen as inherent.

Money lending lends to conspiracies about Jewish control of capitalism, etc. I'm just bored of explaining this, but the bottom line is: the Christians made us deal with money lending because they wouldn't do it themselves but it's necessary for a functioning economy, and then they blamed us for making money. This is where you get conspiracies about Jews running the world from. What I hope you can see in that brief (and very much incomplete) history of antisemitism, lots of things are rooted in the cultural genesis and theology of Christianity, but it's not as simple as "Christians invented antisemitism". Let's be clear, for a start: antisemitism exists very firmly in non-Christian areas of the world, too. It might not have been like this without Christianity, but it also wouldn't have been like this without Christianity switching to a Gentile majority, without the Romans so thoroughly destroying the Jewish homeland, etc etc etc.

I mentioned harm-reduction rather than guilt above. If you're interested in harm-reduction, then one of the best things you can do is recognise where wider culture has pushed you into buying into prejudices. Here are some hallmarks of modern antisemitism that are very much rooted in the above: conspiracies that Jews run the world and are behind big catastrophes; beliefs that Jews poison the wells and drink the blood of babies (yes, people still believe this, but it's more common in the Muslim world than the Christian one now); stereotypes about Jews loving money; ideas that Jews are overly hostile to the countries who have so nicely taken us in and not murdered us recently, usually because we are too insular or because we won't eat everything; believing that Jews are the only people who don't deserve to have any self-governance even though it's been proven time and time again that Jews can't trust Gentile governance; defining terms to specifically exclude Jews; ideas that Jews are secretly not the "real" Jews; claiming the Jewish God (or "Old Testament" God) is bloodthirsty as opposed to the loving Christian God (said by people who have never read the Bible, I assume); concepts that you can't trust Jews because they only care about other Jews... and there are many more, unfortunately.

Anyway, it's really late and I didn't mean to provide such a long commentary. I hope this was helpful in some way? Feel free to message me if you want to chat more.

[theminecraftbee]

yo a persona au? I want to know more <- persona my beloved

gonna take this as a free space to talk about what I want so. let’s talk about impulse’s hanged man social link, who as it turns out is also his foil/the hidden bad guy, and person I was rotating in my head a lot in the car going to pick up dinner earlier: bdubs.

so, I think bdubs joins the party deceptively early—like, he’s not the last guy, or very obviously suspicious early on. in fact, he’s very happy with impulse! unfortunately. okay so like. impulse’s central arc in this is sort of that his tendency towards being a people-pleaser leads to him trying to be everything for everyone and also his existential crisis over being the one guy aware of like, the game mechanics of confidants and stuff, leading to “oh god are any of my emotions here actually real”.

bdubs… has always been singularly devoted to one guy. and bdubs got his special little guy well before impulse got here, and that special little guy happens to be our story’s big bad. (or at least, the human one.) it is because of bdubs’s singular devotion to this person—and difficulty being devoted for real to other people outside of his use for them—that lead him to realize that, with the help of his own abilities as a persona user, unlocked before the start of the story, he could find people’s negative selves and drag them into the negative world, taking out people that our story’s big bad wanted removed and accelerating the terrible end the world was going towards.

(side note: possibly making the big bad here like, a religious organization or something. idk if that works well enough thematically but I do sort of like the idea of “evil god that wants to send everyone into a deep sleep/eventual death, possibly because it has decided humanity’s impulse of creation only creates evil things, and therefore humanity’s will to create must be destroyed”. and the idea of it having a church associated with it and that church having bdubs be deeply devoted to it, even secretly, is fun.)

over time suspicious things pile up about bdubs, especially as the link between victims, the big bad, and bdubs also pile up. however, impulse is loyal to all of his social links—the least he can do is trust them if he’s busy using this social connection for his own gain, right? the least he can actually try to help them, even if it’s not for altruistic reasons, right?

so I think, first, that either bdubs’s social link is suspiciously automatic or you have to get it to like, rank five to get the true ending. (note that to actual impulse he wouldn’t notice it’s automatic but you know suspiciously to the player.) then after a certain point you’re locked in and at like, rank 6, impulse goes to confront bdubs, and maybe also warn him, and like. they’re friends they’ve bonded bdubs is… part of the team so he’s also under the fool… he keeps on saying how much he loves impulse… right?

and the confrontation is basically. yeah, but that wasn’t a real connection. we were useful to each other, right? and bdubs talks about the big bad and his actual goals and tells impulse to tell no one. and I think we have a clock moment except now impulse also has “I gave you everything like I gave it to everyone else, oh god what if this is also all for nothing.”

INSERT VERY DESTABILIZING SOCIAL LINK RANK UP WHERE IMPULSE BASICALLY RANKS UP WITH BDUBS FOR BDUBS BETRAYING HIM.

…yeah so remember how I wanted to do a thing an actual persona game probably wouldn’t and have impulse have a bit of a breakdown over being everything for everyone all the time? right now like, throw in the horrible realization that bad things can cause social link rank ups. and I think that’s the final straw here; this idea that he’s pouring so much into these relationships that he’s not even sure are “real” because he’s doing them for bullshit magic reasons and that the bullshit magic will sometimes say “the path to win directly involves hurting you and people you care about”.

and impulse just sorta… shuts down a little bit? he’s horrified and upset. and he badly scrambles to try to warn the others but he wasn’t prepared for any of this.

which gives bdubs the opening he needs to drag impulse’s own negative self into the negative world, because this is the point that impulse hits such high degree of burnout that, despite being a persona user, despite arguably being THE persona user… the negative world can technically infect anyone if they’re upset and burnt out enough.

and then in the most self-indulgent but fun twist for me in the world, the next day, the news impulse was found in his apartment, having contracted sleeping sickness, gets conveyed to the party. we, the player, know bdubs is a traitor, but the party does not. and impulse’s social links and the party decide that, that’s impulse. they’re going to save him.

and THEN we get to have the sappy but also sad “this is what makes our leader despair” maze as like, the penultimate maze, which is also the one you fight bdubs in. undecided on whether bdubs can actually be saved as well. also gameplay-wise it’s a very difficult dungeon and the ultimate fight is very hard, but if you’ve raised your social links, it gets easier, both because you’ll have a better equipped party and because the people who have bonded with impulse want to try to help him, and that energy makes the enemies weaker the better you’ve done bonding with everyone.

…but there’s my idea for that.

[hookingminor]

highly requested part 2 to this angsty blurb, and this marks the end of my 2k blurb weekend! thank you all for joining me and I hope you enjoyed!

-

Matthew wandered back to the hotel well after midnight.

The rehearsal dinner ended around nine in the evening, but after spending an hour on that deck thinking about everything you said, he decided to take a long walk around the neighborhood.

He wandered through the church venue Willow had booked and sat at the pews for a few minutes, taking in all the decorations that were already set up. Then, he made his way back to the barn where the reception would take place, and all of it just felt wrong: the decor, the table settings, the flowers, none of it felt right.

Matthew didn’t put much thought into the wedding, per Willow’s requests, but it only hit him just how little he contributed to all of it as he sat on his hotel bed and thought about what his ideal wedding would look like.

He didn’t even want to get married in Calgary.

It made sense he would since Willow had lived here her whole life, but Matthew always imagined his wedding taking place in St. Louis where his entire family and all his friends could attend. Besides his immediate family and teammates, no one else could make the long trip to Calgary for his wedding.

When Matthew pictured his wedding, he also pictured you standing at the end of the aisle, too. Matthew was sure Willow’s dress would be gorgeous and she would look absolutely beautiful tomorrow, but when he pictured you standing there in her place, he was filled with a fluttering of butterflies in his stomach he couldn’t deny.

Which is what led him to knocking on Willow’s door at one in the morning.

It took a few minutes before she woke, bleary eyed and confused as to why her fiance was seeking her out so late in the night. “Matthew? What is it? You’re not supposed to see me before the wedding.” She pulled her robe tighter around her body, as if trying to shield Matthew’s eyes from her.

That was another superstition Matthew didn’t like. He nearly begged Willow to spend the night with him before the wedding, not buying into the ‘bad luck’ bullshit people always said about sleeping together before the ceremony, but she wouldn’t budge.

“I know, I’m sorry for the intrusion, but I think we need to talk,” Matthew said. He was still dressed in his suit from the dinner, though he’d shed his jacket and tie long ago. Willow’s face fell at his words, but she let him inside her room anyway.

Matthew sat on the edge of the bed awkwardly and fiddled with his thumbs as Willow sat next to him. Silence filled the room. Matthew didn’t know how to say it.

“Is this about Y/N?” Willow asked calmly after a few minutes passed. “I saw you two talking outside earlier.”

Matthew looked at his fiance, her eyes sad and face dismal. He nodded.

“I figured,” she sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Matthew said because he didn’t know what else to say.

Then Willow said the most unexpected thing.

“It’s okay.”

Matthew’s confusion was clear on his face, and Willow let out a genuine laugh as she took his hand in hers.

“I thought if you saw her and she moved on, we could’ve made this work, but that wasn’t the case, was it?” She asked, and Matthew nodded again.

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” she continued. “I always knew you still loved her.”

“I really did love you,” Matthew said. “I do love you… it’s just…”

“You love her more,” Willow finished for him.

“I am sorry,” Matthew pleaded. “I didn’t mean for any of this to happen, but then I saw her and… I can’t let her go.”

“I know,” Willow said, squeezing his hand comfortingly, and then let out a deep sigh. “Well, I guess we better tell our folks the wedding’s off, huh?”

-

Matthew showed up to your place a month later.

He stood outside your apartment, nervous and shaking, with a bouquet of your favorite flowers in his hands. You hadn’t heard from him since booking the first flight out of Calgary, dodging all his calls and texts that came in over the week after his wedding. You effectively stayed off social media, deleting all the apps you knew you still had Matthew on in fear of seeing wedding pictures.

The surprise on your face was evident when you answered the door to find Matthew on the other side.

“Aren’t you supposed to be on your honeymoon or something?” You asked.

“I didn’t go through with it. I couldn’t after seeing you,” Matthew explained. “Can I come in?”

Swallowing the lump in your throat, you let Matthew follow you inside. He’d never seen your apartment before. You’d moved places shortly after your breakup, trying to erase the memories of Matthew that existed on every surface of your old apartment.

He held out the flowers for you, which you took and placed into a vase and filled with water. Matthew’s eyes roamed your new place, taking in all the photos you had on your fridge to the books you kept on your bookshelves.

“To what do I owe the pleasure, Matthew?” You asked.

Matthew’s gaze focused back on you. “I always hated it when you called me Matthew.” A smile tugged at the corner of his lips.

“What do you want?” You rephrased, ignoring his comment.

“I want to give us another shot,” Matthew answered confidently.

You weren’t quite sure what you were expecting him to say, but it was definitely not that.

“Matthew—”

“And before you tell me how bad of an idea it is, because I know that’s what you’re about to say, just hear me out.”

Your mouth snapped shut and you waited for him to continue.

“I love you. I’m in love with you. I have been for years, and I’m never going to not be in love with you,” Matthew said. “After you left, I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I realized that marrying Willow wasn’t what I wanted. When I picture my future I see you in it. I see you at the end of that aisle on our wedding day. I see you and me in a house with a dog and maybe a few kids. I see you waiting for me at home at the end of the day, and I see you beside me when I wake up in the morning.”

“Matthew, we tried this before,” you sighed. “We tried the long distance, and it didn’t work.”

“And I’m willing to try again,” Matthew replied, crossing the few feet of space between you to cup your face in his hands. “We were young and dumb and immature, and I pressured you to change your life for me when I shouldn’t have. I’m not asking you to pack up your life and move to Calgary right now. Hell, if you don't ever want to move to Canada, you don’t have to. I’ll move to wherever you want to be because wherever you are is where I belong.”

“I’m in this for the long haul,” he added. “There is no one else out there for me, and there never will be.”

Tears welled in your eyes at his profession, and Matthew’s thumb came to swipe at a stray tear that rolled down your cheek.

“What makes you think this time will be different?” You questioned softly.

“Because I’m different. We’re different. And I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. You’re all I want.”

“You’d really request a trade for me?” Matthew nodded.

“It wasn’t fair to put that all on you then, and I know that. I shouldn’t have asked you to do something I wasn’t willing to do myself, but I’m telling you now that I’d do anything for you,” he answered.

Throwing your arms around Matthew’s neck, you pressed your entire body into his. Arms tightened around your torso, keeping you snug against him, and Matthew tucked your head into his chest.

“So what do you say? Can you give me a second chance?” He mumbled into your hair.

“I think we’re well past second chances,” you chuckled.

“I promise it’ll be the last one you need to give me,” Matthew laughed, grasping the base of your neck.

In an attempt to blink away his own tears, a few streamed down his cheeks. Leaning forward, you kissed away the tears, leaving his cheeks wet, but Matthew had a dopey grin on his face all the same.

“I’m all in,” you replied to his question, and Matthew had to take a second to make sure he heard you correctly.

His grin spread wider, and he crashed his lips to yours, both of your smiles getting in the way but neither of you cared. Matthew peppered your face in kisses: your brow, your cheeks, your nose, your chin. There was not one inch of skin he left untouched.

You giggled in his arms, twisting your face to the side to avoid the tickling of his scruff against your cheeks, but he kept you close to his body.

“I love you,” he said finally, “and I’m sorry it took me so long to get my shit together.”

You caught his lips in a deep kiss. “All that matters is you’re here now.”

“Oh, I forgot something,” Matthew said, pulling back just enough to reach his hand into his pocket. 

A small box rested in the palm of his hand, and he opened it to show you the necklace he gifted to you nearly three years ago. When everything ended, you’d given it back to him, and he’d kept it tucked away in his bedside drawer since then.

The dainty ‘19’ hung from the chain, and Matthew undid the hook and looked at you with hopeful eyes. Your stomach did a flip as you turned around, and Matthew draped the jewelry around your neck, connecting it in the back and placing a soft kiss on the skin right above it.

“Now everything’s right where it belongs.”

[mister-chu]

hello everyone! it’s me, moth, your fav enby. ~ i’m gonna be honest, i don’t usually write femme muses because it makes me dysphoric but i’ve been obsessed with chuu (and loona in general) for a while now so why not try it out? i can’t wait to bring you all along on this journey with me. (: anyways, below the cut i put some info on this sweetheart but i am working on a carrd for her also so be prepared for an update post. once again, i can’t express how excited i am to have muse again so let’s have lots of fun, okay? ♡

application:

{ moth, 23, cst, they/them } —— look who’s joining the infinite tour! only JINAE "LOLA" JUNG, who is the MAIN VOCALIST of FLORA. i’ve heard whispers that the TWENTY TWO year old is pretty BUBBLY but lowkey SENSITIVE. also, doesn’t she remind you of KIM JIWOO (CHUU)?

quick facts:

��� jinae, or lola, was born and raised in a lower class section of seoul by her father after her mother passed away shortly after her birth due to struggles with addiction.

ꕥ life wasn’t easy but her father did his best to provide, he worked hard and laborious jobs, often dangerous as well. he is a skilled handy man that is now retired due to flora’s success so don’t worry. 

ꕥ singing came naturally to lola, her father often brags and shows off family video tapes of her singing well at an early age. she isn’t religious anymore but as a child, she sang in the choir at their local church.

ꕥ other than singing, lola enjoys art of all types. visual, classic, digital, written, drawn, painted, all of it. she often shows off her art to fans on live and it’s become a way for them to connect to her personally.

ꕥ speaking of fans, she has a real connection to them and her love for them is genuine. without them, she’d be struggling with a minimum wage job, barely making it, doing a job that she doesn’t have passion for.

ꕥ now, lets back up again. lola is one of those rare cases where she performed at a local talent show and was scouted by an infinite team member. she was only fourteen and trained two years before debuting as lead vocalist in flora. 

ꕥ since lola is so softhearted, she does struggle a lot when it comes to idol life and hurtful words thrown by netizens. they often pick on her, especially for her upbringing, making it out like she isn’t worthy since she wasn’t highly educated. this makes her work harder, however, and the only way is up for her.

ꕥ due to the bullying, she is in therapy and takes anti-depressants as well as anxiety medication multiple times a day. she is open about this in attempt to end stigma surrounding mental health and in attempt to be a good role model for her fans.

ꕥ although this hasn’t been plotted, i really see her being a genuine and true friend to her group mates. she really thrives off of feminine attention since she grew up without a female guardian and definitely shows her appreciation with affection plus skinship.

 ꕥ lola does have a large group of supporters, despite the hate, and often gets extra gigs on the side like mcing or small drama roles. she’s even released a few osts! some even call her korea’s sweetheart because she is a happy and bubbly person, it’s hard to hate her once you know her; you just have to get past shallow level thinking.

wanted connections:

!!! fair warning !!! i’m a big softie and don’t like enemy plots. me and lola don’t have a mean bone in our bodies, okay? don’t judge us. ):

ꕥ a bad influence since lola is pretty straightedge and hasn’t done anything except socially drink, she gets nervous about the consequences but i wanna see her let loose.

ꕥ a girl that she experiments with romantically and sexually because she’s a closet bisexual but she’s never been with a girl, despite having crushes on them since she was a child.

ꕥ a few friends that she trained with or debuted around the same time as her, they would have been someone that supported her emotionally (she’d do the same back) and she’d be eternally grateful for them. 

ꕥ her absolute best friend. they love to do each other's nails and gossip about cute idols together. they are bluntly honest but also loving with each other. they’re soulmates and she could never replace them. 

ꕥ maybe someone she mc’d with or a co-star in a drama she did. or even did a song together or a special duet stage. just a co-worker other than her group mates!

ꕥ childhood best friend or even crush because i love cute stuff like that. >:)

ꕥ someone she loves, someone that loves her back, but things are just too hard for them to be together right now. they could be end game or not, idc, just give me angst!!!

[benevolentbirdgal]

“Thirteen″ Tips for Writing About Synagogues / Jewish Writing Advice / Advice for Visiting Synagogues

So your story includes a Jew (or two) and you’ve a got a scene in a synagogue. Maybe there’s a bar mitzvah, maybe your gentile protagonist is visiting their partner’s synagogue. Maybe there’s a wedding or a community meeting being held there. For whatever reason, you want a scene in a shul. I’m here as your friendly (virtual) neighborhood Jewish professional to help you not sound like a gentile who thinks a synagogue is just a church with a Star of David instead of a cross. 

Quick note: The are lots of synagogues around the world, with different specific cultural, local, and denominational practices. The Jewish community is made up of roughly 14 million people worldwide with all sorts of backgrounds, practices, life circumstances, and beliefs. I’m just one American Jew, but I’ve had exposure to Jewishness in many forms after living in 3.5 states (at several different population densities/layouts), attending Jewish day school and youth groups, doing Jewish college stuff, and landing a job at a Jewish non-profit. I’m speaking specifically in an American or Americanish context, though some of this will apply elsewhere as well. I’m also writing from the view of Before Times when gatherings and food and human contact was okay.

Bear in mind as well, in this discussion, the sliding scale of traditional observance to secular/liberal observance in modern denominations: Ultraorthodox (strict tradition), Modern Orthodox (Jewish law matters but we live in a modern world), Conservative (no relation to conservative politics, brands itself middle ground Judaism), Reconstructionist (start with Jewish law and then drop/add bits to choose your own adventure), and Reform (true build your own adventure, start at basically zero and incorporate only as you actively choose).

Synagogue = shul = temple. Mikvah (ritual bath) is its own thing and usually not attached to the shul. Jewish cemeteries are also typically nowhere near the shul, because dead bodies are considered impure.   

A Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah is the Jewish coming of age ceremony. Bar (“son”) for boys at 13+, Bat (“daughter”) at 12+, and Bnai (“children”) for multiples (i.e. twins/triplets/siblings) or non-binary kids (although the use of the phrase “Bnai Mitzvah” this way is pretty new). 12/13 is the minimum, 12-14 the norm but very Reform will sometimes allow 11 and anybody above 12/13 can have theirs. Probably a dedicated post for another time. Generally, however, the following will happen: the kid will lead some parts of services, read from and/or carry the Torah, and make a couple of speeches. 

Attire: think Sunday Best (in this case Saturday), not come as you are. Even at very liberal reconstructionist/reform synagogues you wouldn’t show up in jeans and a t-shirt or work overalls. Unless they are seriously disconnected from their culture, your Jewish character is not coming to Saturday morning services in sneakers and jeans (their gentile guest, however, might come too casual and that’d be awkward).  1a. The more traditional the denomination, the more modest the attire. Outside of orthodoxy woman may wear pants, but dresses/skirts are more common. Tights for anything above knee common for Conservative/Reform/Recon, common for even below knee for orthodox shuls. Men will typically be wearing suits or close to it, except in very Reform spaces.  1b. Really, think business casual or nice dinner is the level of dressiness here for regular services. Some minor holidays or smaller events more casual is fine. Social events and classes casual is fine too.  1c. Even in reform synagogues, modesty is a thing. Get to the knee or close to it. No shoulders (this an obsession in many Jewish religious spaces for whatever reason), midriffs, or excessive cleavage (as I imagine to be the norm in most houses of worship). 

Gendered clothing:  3a. Men and boys wear kippahs (alt kippot, yarmulkes) in synagogues, regardless of whether they’re Jewish or not out of respect to the space. Outside of Jewish spaces it’s saying “I’m a Jew” but inside of Jewish spaces it’s saying “I’m a Jew or a gentile dude who respects the Jewish space.”  Outside of very Reform shuls, it’s a major faux pass to be a dude not wearing one.  3b. There are little buckets of loaner kippahs if you don’t bring your own and commemorative kippahs are given away at events (bar mitzvah, weddings). Your Jewish dude character not bringing or grabbing one is basically shouting “I’m new here.”  3c. Women are permitted to wear kippahs, but the adoption of a the traditionally masculine accessory will likely be interpreted by other Jews as LGBTQ+ presentation, intense feminism, and/or intense but nontraditional devoutness. Nobody will clutch their pearls (outside of ultraorthodoxy) but your character is sending a message.  3d. Tefillin are leather boxes and wrappings with prayers inside them that some Jewish men wrap around their arms (no under bar mitzvah or gentiles). Like with the kippah, a woman doing this is sending a message of feminism and/or nontraditional religious fervor.  3e. Additionally, prayer shawls, known as tallit, are encouraged/lightly expected of Jewish males (over 13) but not as much as Kippahs are. It is more common to have a personal set of tallit than tefillin. Blue and white is traditional, but they come in all sorts of fun colors and patterns now. Mine is purple and pink. It is much more common for women to have tallit and carries much fewer implications about their relationship to Judaism than wearing a kippah does.  3f. Married woman usually cover their hair in synagogues. Orthodox women will have wigs or full hair covers, but most Jewish woman will put a token scarf or doily on their head in the synagogue that doesn’t actually cover their hair. The shul will also have a doily loaner bucket. 

Jewish services are long (like 3-4 hours on a Saturday morning), but most people don’t get there until about the 1-1.5 hour mark. Your disconnected Jewish character or their gentile partner might not know that though. 

Although an active and traditional synagogue will have brief prayers three times every day, Torah services thrice a week, holiday programming, and weekly Friday night and Saturday morning services, the latter is the thing your Jewish character is most likely attending on the reg. A typical Saturday morning service will start with Shacharit (morning prayers) at 8:30-9, your genre savvy not-rabbi not-Bnai mitzvah kid Jewish character will get there around 9:30-10:15. 10:15-10:30 is the Torah service, which is followed by additional prayers. Depending on the day of the Jewish year (holidays, first day of new month, special shabbats), they’ll be done by 12:30 or 1 p.m. Usually.  After that is the oneg, a communal meal. Onegs start with wine and challah, and commence with a full meal. No waiting 4-8 hours to have a covered-dish supper after services. The oneg, outside of very, very, very Reform spaces will be kosher meat or kosher dairy. 

To conduct certain prayers (including the mourner’s prayers and the Torah service) you need a Minyan, which at least 10 Jewish “adults” must be present, defined as post Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah. In Conservative/Reform/Recon, men and women are counted equally. In Ultraorthodox women are not counted. In Modern Orthodox it depends on the congregation, and some congregations will hold women’s-only services as well with at least ten “adult” Jewish women present.

In Conservative and Orthodox shuls, very little English is used outside of speeches and sermons. Prayers are in Hebrew, which many Jews can read the script of but not understand. Transliterations are also a thing.  In Reform synagogues, there’s heavy reliance on the lingua franca (usually English in American congregations). Reconstructionist really varies, but is generally more Hebrew-based than Reform. 

We’re a very inquisitive people. If your character is new to the synagogue, there will be lots of questions at the post-services oneg (meal, typically brunch/lunch). Are you new in town? Have you been here before? Where did you come from? Are you related to my friend from there? How was parking? Do you know my cousin? Are you single? What is your mother’s name? What do you think of the oneg - was there enough cream cheese? What summer camp did you go to? Can you read Hebrew? Have you joined?  A disconnected Jew or gentile might find it overwhelming, but many connected Jews who are used to it would be like “home sweet chaos” because it’s OUR chaos. 

In Orthodox synagogues, men and women have separate seating sections. There may be a balcony or back section, or there may be a divider known as a mechitzah in the middle. Children under 12/13 are permitted on either side, but over 12/13 folks have to stay one section or the other. Yes, this is a problem/challenge for trans and nonbinary Jews.  Mechitzahs are not a thing outside of orthodoxy. Some older Conservative synagogues will have women’s sections, but no longer expect or enforce this arrangement.   

Money. Is. Not. Handled. On. Shabbat. Or. Holidays. Especially. Not. In. The. Synagogue. Seriously, nothing says “goy writing Jews” more than a collection plate in shul. No money plate, no checks being passed around, even over calls for money (as opposed to just talking about all the great stuff they do and upcoming projects) are tacky and forbidden on Shabbat. Synagogues rely on donations and dues, and will solicit from members, but don’t outright request money on holidays and Shabbat. 

Outside of Reform and very nontraditional Conservative spaces, no instruments on Shabbat or holidays. No clapping either. Same goes for phones, cameras, and other electronics outside of microphones (which aren’t permitted in Orthodox services either).  11a. In the now-times an increasing number of shuls have set up cameras ahead of time pre-programmed to record, so they don’t have to actively “make fire” which is “work” (this is the relevant commandment/mitzvah) on Shabbat, so services can be live-streamed. 11b. After someone has completed an honor (reading from the Torah, carrying the Torah, opening the ark, etc), the appropriate response is a handshake after and the words “Yasher Koach” (again, Before-Times).

Jewish services involve a lot of movement. Get up, sit down. Look behind you, look in front of you. Twist left, twist right. A disconnected Jew or gentile visitor would be best off just trying to follow along with what an exchange student we had once termed “Jewish choreography.” Some prayers are standing prayers (if able), some are sitting prayers. It’s just how it is, although a handful of prayers have variations on who stands. 

[animachristii]

Christian Living

Okay get ready for a super long post. This is absolutely being made due to my recent prayer request for my friend, and that post has garnered some comments that I’d really like to address in almost a rant but not a discourse, because I feel personally that the people I would be discoursing with if I were to actually speak with them would get nothing out of that conversation. Instead, I’ve decided to just pray for them and make this PSA because I still feel like I need to say all of this.

First off, and this is the one I’m going to talk about the most: it is literally so uncharitable to not pray for someone or to condemn them for leaving the Faith especially when you do not know the reason why. And to be honest, you don’t know/have the right to/deserve the know the reason why an individual has left the faith. My friend, for instance, left the Christian faith because of traumatic experiences she had due to growing up in a real cult. I bet you didn’t think of that, but yes, she did. And I shouldn’t have to tell people that (and neither should she) for Christians to understand her and pray for her. We should all have the CHARITY in our hearts to put aside our over-zealous anger that someone has turned away from the faith and instead pray for them because we truly care about their spiritual well being. Obviously it is a grave matter that someone has turned against the teachings of Jesus, but life itself is so much more nuanced than that and charity has the capacity to understand those nuances and love and help despite them.

Secondly, and this is tied to the first one: How can we expect, as Christians, others to join the Faith when we are such terrible leaders of said Faith? Jesus hung out and loved and implored all sinners during his ministry, and as disciples of Christ we are all called to set that same example. It is our duty as Christian leaders to follow the example of Christ to accompany, love, and implore sinners in Jesus’ name and through the grace of the Holy Spirit. Turning away from those who need help more than ever is NOT WJWD. We need to be understanding of the person and intolerable towards their sins, we need to love them and hate the evil actions, we need to pray for them that they find Christ again. They are not going to see the True Light of Christ if we do not openly practice being like Christ. Witnesses are more powerful than teachers, and that is a fact. Jesus led by example first and taught second. We need to do the same, and it is a shame that there are Christians out there who are so over-zealous due to being a part of the Faith and Church already that they look down among people who need Jesus more than ever.

We need to be praying for those who fall away. We need to be praying for those who are entering. We need to be praying for those who have entered. This is not a suggestion, this is what Jesus and the Communion of Saints implores us to do. These are souls that God the Most High has created in His Image and they are missing out on an opportunity of endless joy, everlasting life, and infinite union with the Father. These are not small matters that should be used to look down on others or post snide comments on a stupid social media website. These are lives and souls that God commanded into existence and you are turning against them when we need to find the love in our hearts to care about them as Jesus does and want them to be with God as Jesus does. Seriously guys, these are literally the fundamentals of our faith. How did you miss this??

[stephenjaymorrisblog]

Is the Republican Party Soft on Fascism?

Is the Republican Party Soft

on Fascism?

Stephen Jay Morris

6/5/2022

©Scientific Morality

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? It was the year of our Lord, 1854. There was a coalition of various groups like the defunct “Whig Party,” the “Free Soil Party,” and the racist group, the “Native America Party,” aka: “The Know Nothing Party.” Note: The reason they were called, “The Know Nothings” was because whenever there was a terrorist attack, like a fire-bombed, Catholic church, they would answer police investigators’ questions with, “I know nothing about the firebombing.” That nickname could be applied to today's Republicans. Most of the rank and file members have low I.Q.s and know nothing about anything!

Let’s get something straight: Abraham Lincoln was not a true Republican. He joined the party to run against a Democratic candidate. It was for political strategy. Matter of fact, like George Washington, he despised political parties. Lincoln, in today’s Right wing slang, was pretty “woke.” Oh, one more thing...Lincoln had pen pals. Guess who his favorite was? Karl Marx. I told you he was woke.

Okay—we are now up to date. And today’s Republican Party? Very unstable. The upper echelon of the party are like fugitives hiding in safe houses known as Country Clubs. Initially, they were willing to let the White, working class, protestants in. Now, they regret it, as the patients are starting to take over the asylum. The rich Republicans erroneously figured that superstitious Christians would be perfect for class engineering; i.e.: as they got richer and richer, the poor would be told to pray to Jesus if they wanted their next meal. This is exactly the type of shit done in the Dark Ages.

The loud mouths of the party, like Marjorie Taylor Greene, do not even know what the fuck Fascism is, and yet, they advocate it. Recently, while spewing some garbage on Social Media about how the government is monitoring people and the type of meat they are eating, MTG totally missed the term “petri dish” by claiming that Bill Gates is growing meat in a “peach tree dish,” instead. More recently, a clip of her January 6th testimony revealed her substitution of the word “flagrantly” with “fragrantly” to describe the way in which defendants’ rights had been allegedly violated. For decades now, Conservatives have been advocating “Anti-Intellectualism;” well, she is a glaring and blatant example of it! Unsurprisingly, most Right wing sexists don’t mind her; she mirrors the “Stupid Blonde” persona; albeit, a much more dangerous one. 1950’s actresses Judy Holiday and Marilyn Monroe often played such a role. A “stupid blonde” would fire up the Conservative libido. “Teach me how to make love, daddy!” “Oh yeah, daddy will show you!” Baarrrff!!!!!!

So why do paleo-conservatives hate intellectuals, anyway? Certainly, not because they are advocating Left wing propaganda! It’s because objective truth discredits them. The biggest threat to the Right is not so-called “Leftism;” it is Objectivity. Conservatism goes against common sense or basic logic. So when they say, “The New York Times is Left wing,” they mean the material is too objective. The newspaper gives them negative press, but not because they are trying to destroy the Republican Party; they just fuck up way more than the Democrats do! Last year, The New York Times reported relentlessly about New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, the Democrat. They took him down because of his alleged sexual misdeeds. So, is the New York Times Leftist? Well—is the pope Jewish?

Starting in the late 40’s, the Republican Party, along with other conservative scum bags called Democrats, went soft on Communism. This prevailed all through the Cold War. Now, high ranking Republicans are calling the Democratic Party “Communists” and “Socialists.” Yeah, sure they are. A lot of progressive Leftists are calling the Republican Party, “Fascists.” Well, they’re not, really—although, the real Fascists have gotten their foot in the door. The Democrats kept the real Communists out of their party starting way back in the 1930’s. Do you think rich Liberals would let Commies into their party? Do you think Rich Conservatives are going to let Nazis into their’s?

The only legislation the GOP is actuating is legalizing guns for blind people. Otherwise, except for WASPs who own oil wells, the GOP hasn’t done shit for the American people! This latest incarnation of the Republican Party has not exactly put the party in a state of catalepsy. The leadership has to change its membership from illimitable to exclusionary with a happy face. The central committee must exercise discretion and entropy to fix their party. The biggest mistake the party did was not giving the war against Fascism—otherwise known as World War 11—their vigorous support. Nowadays, the MAGA crowd is comprised of anti-Fascist, Fascist groups. So, are anti-Communists really Communists? That’s anti-intellectualism for you. Here is quote for all of you:

“Fascism should more appropriately be called Corporatism because it is a merger of state and corporate power.” ―Benito Mussolini 1932

I used to know this woman who was a Chud. She did this officious thing, which was so fucking condescending! It was solicitous advice that made me crawl up the wall! It went like this: “If I was on the Left, I would do this and I would do that.” Well, with this, I turn the tables on her and say: “If I was on the Republican National Committee (RNC), I would put out a press release denouncing Fascism, white supremacy, and Christian Nationalism. If you don’t do that soon, the Libertarian Party, or maybe the American Christian Party will replace you. Who knows?”

Don’t be soft on fascism!

[isthisthingeven0n]

yellow : s.r

after a mission that targets couples, spencer realises how much you truly mean to him back home (4.1k oops) 

shameless plug but i have an etsy shop (10% off on tote bags until 2nd december!) 

criminal minds masterlist 

(also the case idea is just something i came up with! please do not steal my ideas/work or repost elsewhere without permission. thank you!) 

Warmth. That was the first thing you noticed when you woke up. Warmth radiating from the sunlight filtering through your blinds, warmth from your boyfriend who you were curled up against and warmth from your cheeks as the events of last night replay in your mind.

Yet, as always, those are short lived once your alarm clock sounds.

Spencer stirs upon hearing the repetitive beeping. His arm tightens around your waist as you move away to press snooze and his breath fans across your neck as he chuckles.

“Good morning,” He whispers, shuffling to kiss your jaw sweetly until you turn to face him. “every morning I’m amazed at how beautiful you look.” Spencer admits candidly.

“That’s because I haven’t opened my mouth yet and you can’t smell my morning breath.” You mutter, unable to take him seriously as his curls point in every direction and sleep laces his tone. “You’re something else, you know that, Spence?” You chuckle, lifting an arm up as you brush your hand across his face.

Humming in response, Spencer begins to open his eyes. “You know, around 50% of adults in America suffer from morning breath, the ADA has researched it’s caused by bacteria in your mouth building from food particles between your teeth, gum line and tongue.” He explains, watching as you roll your eyes. “And yes, I do know I’m something else, you tell me most days, except yesterday.” A smile lines Spencer’s lips as he pictures the exact moment. “Yesterday you called me a fucking God.” He chuckles as you groan, lifting your hands to cover your face.

“Please, just forget that.” You tell him through your hands whilst Spencer shuffles as his body rests above yours.

“Y/n, open your eyes.” He whispers, and as you move your hands Spencer leans down, kissing you softly. Pulling away, he sighs happily. “I love you, but I need to brush my teeth.” He announces and rises from bed, heading to the bathroom as your laughter lines the corridor.

The sound of your phone buzzing interrupts your thoughts as you reach over and unlock it. For a moment you allow your eyes to adjust to the brightness glaring into your retinas.

“Spence?” You call out as you force yourself from the cocoon of your bed as you shove your feet into your slippers.

As you exit your bedroom, you meet Spencer halfway to the bathroom as he looks at you with wide eyes whilst a toothbrush hangs out of his mouth, toothpaste marking the corners of his lips.

“Penelope texted me, she assumed your phone was downstairs,” Which was true, and Penelope knew Spencer well enough to know such. “you’ve got a case.” You tell him with a heavy heart as Spencer’s face falls and nods.

Retreating back to the bathroom, Spencer spits the toothpaste out as he looks at his reflection. He knew this was his job, and you both knew the hours weren’t the typical nine to five. But for once, Spencer wanted to be selfish and stay with you for the weekend that he promised you.

“Hey,” You speak up as you wrap your arms around Spencer’s waist as you rest your head on his back. “it’s okay, you can make it up to me another time.” You reassure him as you rise to your tiptoes, kissing his bare shoulder. “I’ll go make you a coffee.” You add as your arms slink from Spencer’s waist as he finishes brushing his teeth and turns the shower on.

“Or, you could join me?” Spencer pipes up, a mischievous smile lacing his lips as you pause before turning on your heels.

“Spencer Reid, are you suggesting I accompany you in the shower?” You feign shock, resting your hand on your chest as your lips part whilst Spencer’s tongue glides over his lips for a moment, that rare glint crossing his gaze.

“I’m suggesting we save water, last year alone over 2.5 billion people were living in areas of drought, and that’s not including-” Cutting Spencer off, you remove your dressing gown and slippers.

“Alright, I give in.” You wave him off. “It’s too early to listen to your statistics.”

*

“Morning, sorry to call you all in during the weekend.” Hotch starts as everyone takes a seat around the table, Spencer trying his best to suppress his yawn as he drinks the coffee you made him just before he forgot it as he left. “Garcia?”

“Right yes,” Penelope gathers herself as everyone opens their tablets whilst Spencer flicks through the physical case file. “over the last two months, there have been three murders of married couples,” Penelope begins to explain as she displays images of the three couples. “our first couple were newlyweds, married for two weeks before they were kidnapped and tortured before dying from lacerations to their throats which I will not be looking at on the screen.”

“Same MO for all three couples?” JJ asks, and Penelope sighs as she nods in response.

“That is correct, our latest couple were discovered placed back in their bedroom this morning when their daughter arrived home from a sleepover to discover her parents,” Penelope trails off as Hotch rises to his feet.

“Wheels up in 15, we’re going to Phoenix.” Hotch states as he walks out of the room, slowly followed by everyone else.

“Take it your romantic plans aren’t happening, kid?” Rossi speaks up as Spencer follows him out from the conference room.

Spencer shakes his head. “We’re going to try again next weekend if we can,” A sigh leaves Spencer’s lips as he grabs his go back, throwing it over his shoulder. “but she’s just, so understanding.” He admits, and Rossi whistles.

“Says more than my ex-wives.” Rossi comments.

“How is my sweet Y/n?” Penelope asks as she follows the team toward the elevator, JJ chuckling with Tara.

“She is just fine, Penelope. But she does miss you, don’t worry.” Spencer tells Penelope who beams happily as he makes it into the elevator.

“Well, I’ll make sure she’s safe whilst your gone, goodbye my crimefighters!” Penelope waves as the metal doors close on everyone, and that familiar silence falls over all of them as they begin to pick apart the case.

*

Arriving in Phoenix, Hotch splits the team up and Spencer is paired with JJ to go to the morgue.

“Based on victimology, our unsub targets the wives first, looking at our first victim, Charlotte Yestley, the bruising on her wrists and ankles is much darker than her husbands.” Spencer explains as the ME returns with the reports.

JJ hums as she leans closer. “But overall the damage on Charlotte is cleaner than on Michael. The laceration on Charlotte’s neck was done in one motion, whereas Michael has multiple lacerations and stab wounds covering his torso.”

“Cause of death for both was the loss of blood from the laceration to the neck.” The ME states. “Charlotte Yestley died within minutes whereas Michael would’ve bled out for at least an hour.”

“So he’s torturing the husbands, could be symbolic? Maybe our unsub was married, lost his wife and is looking at couples who have what he no longer does?” JJ suggests.

“I’m not sure, I’ll call Garcia and see if she can find anything out about the Yestley’s.” Spencer exits the room as he calls Garcia, leaving JJ to discuss with the ME the toxicology report.

“Go for Garcia,” Penelope answers the phone.

“Garcia can you look into the Yestley’s personal life, considering they were newlyweds there must be something online about them.” Spencer asks as Penelope types away.

“I’ve got hundreds of photos appearing across social media platforms from the past five years of them both. It seems they met in college and then split up after they graduated, got engaged two years ago and were married at the Hillsong Church. Intimate celebration, close family, two bridesmaids and a best man.” Penelope reels off, and Spencer nods to himself.

“I’ll call Hotch, see if we can talk to the bridesmaids and best man,” Spencer tells Garcia. “thanks, Penelope.”  

After investigating further, the team had conducted it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows between the Yestley’s. In fact, days before the wedding it was nearly called off by Charlotte as she caught her fiance with another woman.

“What if that’s it?” Rossi speaks up as the team sit in the room the local PD helped them set up. “Cheating, being disloyal.”

JJ glances over to Spencer, seeing the cogs whirring away in his brain. “Rossi, you and Lewis spoke with the Littlewoods daughter, right?” Spencer asks as he walks over to the board, looking through all of the photos.

“Yeah, she said how her parents weren’t sharing a bed anymore, they were in the process of separating.” Tara comments and Hotch straightens up as Spencer turns on his heels.

“Rossi is right, it’s all about being disloyal. The unsub is projecting onto these couples, finding out about their personal lives or seeing snippets of them and punishing them for cheating or harming one another.” Spencer explains, and Hotch nods as he glances around at the rest of the team.

“I think we’re ready to deliver the profile, guys.” Hotch states as he closes his case file, heading out to speak with the deputy.

*

“So, how’s it going?” Your voice filled with curiosity is the only thing that can soothe Spencer’s thoughts as he lies down on the firm hotel mattress.

A long exhale leaves Spencer’s lips. “We’ve delivered the profile, now we’re just trying to narrow the search down.” Spencer explains, hearing the faint sound of the TV playing in your house. “How was work today?”

“Same old same old.” You chuckle as you busy yourself, unable to sit still without him at home with you. “My Mom came by earlier, she says hi.” You add shyly, despite having been together for two years, your parents visiting was an infrequent occurrence.

A small smile forms on Spencer’s lips as he listens to you, the normality he craves in his life. “How is she? Did your Dad abandon her like last time at the airport?” He asks through the line as he closes his eyes, listening to your story as you ramble on about all the things your Mom picked out about your house and about Spencer.

“And then she had the cheek to say you’re never here! Like, where is my Dad?” You scoff, hearing a gentle hum on the other end of the line. “Sorry, I got a bit lost there.”

“S’okay.” Spencer mumbles, his eyes unable to open again. “I’m hoping we’ll be flying back within the next week, sorry.”

You finally pause as you rest your hand on the back of Spencer’s beloved armchair beside his old bookcase. Forcing your smile to remain in place, you nod to yourself. “I get that, serial killers don’t have a care for date nights and the lives of others.” You laugh dryly, something that doesn’t go undetected by Spencer.

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” Spencer whispers to you, picturing you in front of him when he opens his eyes, only to be greeted by the tap leaking in his bathroom sink.

“Just, keep safe and find the son of a bitch, yeah?” You mutter. “I love you, Spencer.” You add, moving to sit in his armchair as you wrap his blanket around him, his aftershave weaved into the fabric.

“I love you too.” He whispers.

As you hang up, the tiredness Spencer previously had has vanished as he faces the ceiling, staring at the Artex wishing you could be by his side.

*

“Another couple has been taken from their home,” Hotch announces as he enters the conference room, everyone turning to look at him. “Maria King, 81 and Jacob King, 85. Their neighbour suspected something was wrong when they noticed their front door was wide open.”

“So our unsub has taken them to a secondary location?” JJ asks as Hotch nods in response.

“We’ve got a lead currently on where they might be held, but we’ll have to move quickly.” Hotch states as he exits the conference room, the rest of the team filing out straight to the lockers.

There was an unsteady tension in the two SUV’s on the drive to the abandoned farmhouse. Everyone was thinking the same thing, why the unsub would take an elderly couple.

“He’s clearly escalating from our profile.” Tara states as she sits in the passenger seat. “Garcia, was there any sign of an affair from either Maria or Jacob King?”

The sound of Penelope rapidly typing echoes through the line until it suddenly stops. “Nope, Maria and Jacob recently celebrated their sixtieth wedding anniversary, and it seems they’ve never been more in love.” Sadness coats Penelope’s voice as she looks through the photos of the couple. “The owner of the farmhouse is Tyler Edwards, however, Edwards sold the property last month to Lewis Wise. Unlike his name, Lewis was not the wisest in life. It seems that his wife, Clara, was on her way home from a business trip and died in a car crash.” Penelope explains, but a small gasp leaves her lips.

“What is it, Garcia?” Spencer chimes in, and the sound of typing increases.

“Well, turns out Clara was not coming back from a business trip, but instead her lover, Daniel Lovatt.”

“That could be our trigger,” Tara states. “Wise loses his wife and discovers she’s been having an affair.”

“How long ago did Clara die, Garcia?” Hotch asks, nearing the entrance to the property.

Humming, Penelope quickly answers. “Two months ago.”

“Same time the murders started.” Spencer mutters as they prepare to exit the SUV.

“Please let them be alive.” Penelope mutters to herself, closing the photos of the elderly couple from her monitors.  

Arriving at the farmhouse, the faint sound of screams could be heard as the team exit the SUV’s.

“JJ, you, Lewis and Rossi take the back entrance, Reid, we’ll go through the front.” Hotch explains, and with everyone in understanding, the team split up.

Following Hotch, Reid tried not to focus on the cries for help from the strained voices inside.

“Just, shut up!” The unsub exclaims.

“Please, my wife, she’s hurt. We need help.” A new voice, Jacob King cries out to the unsub.

“She won’t need help for much longer, I can promise you that.” A sick laugh follows and Hotch kicks the door down, running forward with his gun aimed at the unsub.

“FBI, drop the weapon!” Hotch yells as the unsub is standing behind Maria, his knife against her neck as her eyes continue to drop, she’s already losing blood.

“Lewis, just drop the knife. This couple, they’ve done nothing wrong.” Spencer speaks up, seeing the rest of the team enter from the back of the farmhouse, slowly walking forward, guns aimed at Wise.

“They have! Look at them, they, they hate each other!” Lewis spews as Jacob sobs quietly, his fingers intertwined with Maria’s.

“No, they don’t. Lewis, I know what happened to your wife, and I’m so sorry.” Spencer hesitantly steps forward, Hotch keeping his eyes trained on Wise. “But you don’t have to do this, there’s another option.” Spencer’s voice remains soft as he glances down to the couple and flashes a brief smile.

“I can’t, they need to be punished.” Lewis states as a whimper leaves Maria’s lips.

“Lewis, just put the knife down and we’ll talk.” Spencer reasons. “Here, I’ll put my gun down, how about that?” Spencer slowly lowers his gun to the floor, ignoring the worried looks from his team behind Lewis.

“But they are bad people.” Lewis repeats, his eyes darting from the couple to Spencer. “I, I won’t let them get away with it.” Lewis yells, and before he’s able to apply more pressure to Maria’s neck, shots are fired and Lewis falls backwards.

“Oh my god,” Jacob cries as his wife falls into his embrace.

“We need medics here, now!” Hotch speaks into his earpiece whilst Spencer rushes over, quickly followed by JJ.

“Medic’s are coming, you’ll both be all right.” JJ assures the couple as Maria looks up at Jacob with such adoration as he wipes her tears.

“I’ll always love you, Maria.” Jacob tells his wife as she shushes him. “No, no let me say this,” His voice cracks, and JJ looks up at the sound of sirens in the distance. “you were my first love, and you’ll always be my last.” Jacob sniffs as Spencer keeps pressure on the stab wound on her side, trying to ignore how blood is seeping through her top.

“I love you,” Maria breathes out as her eyes start to close, but Jacob protests.

“Don’t go yet honey, there’s so much more for us to do.” Jacob cries out, just as the medics arrive.

Stepping back, JJ rests her arm on Spencer as she guides him out from the farmhouse as they join the rest of the team, witnessing Lewis Wise being taken away.

“You okay, Spence?” JJ looks up as Spencer focuses on the police car as it drives away, his gaze shifting to the Kings sat in the back of the ambulance, still together, holding hands.

“Yeah, yeah.” Spencer nods, tearing his eyes from the couple as the image of you crosses his mind. “Just thinking about a few things, that’s all.”

“Wanna share?” JJ enquires, raising a brow to Spencer.

Yet, a small smile forms on Spencer’s lips as he shacks his head. “Maybe some other time, let’s go.”

*

For the entire flight home, Spencer could only think of one thing; you.

As soon as they arrived back at HQ, Garcia enveloped the team into a tight hug. “Oh thank god, you’re all safe and home.” She gushed as the team entered the bullpen one by one, Spencer last.

“Our angel came in yesterday for a visit.” Penelope speaks up as she walks alongside Spencer into the bullpen.

“She did?” The surprise is evident in Spencer’s tone, in the two years you’ve been together, you’ve visited the bureau a grand total of three times.

Penelope nods, trying to hide her growing smile. “She erm, left you something on your desk.” With that, Penelope rushes over to the others, having a hushed conversation whilst Spencer nears his desk.

Standing in front of it, nothing looks out of place. He knows exactly where he left the seventeen case files on the right-hand side just below his phone set. The pen pot still has three blue pens and two black, his monitor is off and the keyboard is parallel to the mouse.

“What did she leave?” Spencer calls out to Penelope as he spins in his chair, looking over as the team stand together, trying not to make it obvious they’re spying on him.

“Erm, try the second drawer?” Penelope answers and Spencer nods before turning back to his desk and opens the second drawer down.

Inside is an envelope with his name written across the front. Lifting it up, Spencer wastes no time opening it like a child on Christmas day, revealing an invitation for dinner, tomorrow night.

Unable to hide it, a blush rises through Spencer’s cheeks as he chuckles under his breath. You always have been one for extravagances, but that’s just one of the many things he loves about you.

Rising to his feet, Spencer slips the invitation into his satchel. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

“Bye, Spencer!” Penelope waves as Spencer tries to hide his eagerness to get home as he lightly jogs to the lift, his foot tapping against the floor as he waits for the doors to open.

Once they do, he slides in and once out of sight, the team turn their attention back to Penelope.

“What was in that envelope?” Rossi raises a brow to the tech wiz who merely shrugs her shoulders.

“I have no idea, Y/n knows better than to tell me these things.” Penelope explains, but there’s a hesitance in her tone the team know all too well. “But I may have taken a look at her recent search history and found out she’s booked a table for 7pm tomorrow evening at Spencer’s favourite restaurant.”

JJ chuckles to herself as she pats Penelope’s arm. “Couldn’t keep out, could you?”

Lowering her head in defeat, Penelope nods.

“Come on, how about a drink to celebrate another case?” Rossi suggests, and the team all gratefully agree. “And maybe Penelope will spill what else she knows about the future Mr and Mrs Reid.”

*

Pulling up outside of your apartment building, Spencer releases a shaky breath as he heads up to your floor, having the route memorised after your third date together.

As he stands outside of the apartment door, he reaches into his worn satchel for the key as music begins to play inside.

He doesn’t recognise the tune, but the faint sound of you singing along is something ingrained in his mind and hopes to never forget.

Unlocking the front door, Spencer quietly steps in as your singing becomes louder and more energetic as the beat of the song increases.

Unable to wipe the smile from his face, Spencer wanders through toward the kitchen and hovers in the doorway. There you’re dancing, holding a spatula in one hand as a microphone whilst wearing one of Spencer’s old shirts. You’re so carefree, without worry or sight of the missions Spencer endures, you’re not exposed to the graphic crime scenes or twisted minds of their unsubs. You are just you, and Spencer adores it.

“And it was called ‘Yellow’ So I took-” Turning on your heels you yell, throwing the spatula at Spencer. “Christ, Spence!” You laugh, running your fingers through your hair as you exhale shakily. “You scared me, when did you get in?”

Rushing over to him, you wrap your arms tightly around Spencer, burying your face into the crook of his neck.

For a moment, Spencer just holds you close, not wanting to respond. He always misses you when he goes away on cases, but coming back to you is always bittersweet.

“A few minutes ago, I could hear you singing and wanted to witness it without interruption.” He explains as you loosen your grip around him, relaxing your hands on his hips as you look up at his tired face.

“I missed you, goof.” You mutter as Spencer’s hand rises to your cheek, caressing it softly as you hum, leaning against it.

Faintly, the radio continues to play as you sway with Spencer before he leans down and kisses you. As always with Spencer, it begins as a delicate kiss as if he could break you, but as your arms rise to behind his neck, it deepens into something more passionate.

You smirk at the sound of him moaning quietly before pulling away. “Come on then, we’ve got time before dinners ready.” You wink, guiding him up the stairs as he chases behind you.

Lying in his arms, slightly sweaty, Spencer moves your hair from your face. Your eyes are growing heavy, and suddenly the words from Jacob King cross his mind as he held Maria in his arms, begging her to stay awake.

“You were my first love, and you’ll always be my last.”

Spencer mutters your name as you hum in response, opening your eyes as you look up at him. Outside, the sunset is peaking through your blinds, but this time it’s blinding you instead of him.

Squinting up to him, Spencer breathes a laugh. “I just want you to know, you’re my everything, and I know we don’t do emotional speeches because neither of us can finish without crying, but I love you, Y/n. And, I always will because you’re my sunshine, you’re the stars that glow in the night sky, though stars don’t actually glow as they’re mere-”

“Spence,” You mutter, shuffling in his arms to lean on your elbows, paying close attention to him as his eyes flicker over yours.

“Sorry, I, well, you’re my yellow. You radiate joy when I come home from missions and you never pry, you always give me time to explain when I’m ready. My family, the BAU adore you, I’m pretty sure Penelope might book us a wedding venue and arrange a wedding soon.” You laugh lightly, knowing it would be the case with Penelope. “And I just love you.”

A tear slips from Spencer’s eye, barely having a chance to fall before you wipe it away.

“I love you too Spencer Reid.” You sniff, tears glazing in your eyes as they glow in the sunlight. “And I’ll forever be grateful to be your yellow.” You whisper, curling up into his arms as he kisses the top of your head, wishing this moment would never end.