#‘you should be grateful for what i’ve given you because nobody gave me anything’

[kass-of-the-midlands]

Alicent Hightower’s honestly a scarily good rep of what woc go through in regards to their extensive famillial abuse. Second wife with children that pose a threat to the firstborns. The infighting done between the branches of the family. The child marriage, the father, the grinding down of boundaries between her father and her, her and her children. The religion. The cycle.

[messers-moony]

Nothing Left | R.B

Paring: Regulus Black X Wife!Gryffindor!Reader

Summary: Everything crashes within seconds and Sirius doesn’t know where to go. 

Everything went downhill so fucking fast. How was that even possible? Everything was perfectly fine a year ago, but it seems that within that year, everything had collapsed onto the helpless boy. It was like being beneath a crumbling concrete tower that fell with no warning. Like being slapped in the face unexpectedly. Like getting doused in freezing water on a Sunday morning. 

In retrospect, it sucked. 

Sirius Black would know first hand. His entire life had been a screw-up from the beginning. It started with his parents, who - at the start - loved him. But when he turned out to be the child they never wanted all that love had vanished. They tortured him, broke him piece by piece, they built up trauma that took years for him to express to his friends. It wasn’t until third year when they heard him crying alone in his four-poster bed and asked what was wrong. He could remember the comforting embrace James Potter had given him. 

Nevertheless, it never ended there. The summer going into his sixth year, Sirius decided it was enough after too many Cruciatus Curses and body binding curses; enough was enough. His hands were trembling after enduring just ten minutes of the torture curse, and it was a struggle, but he packed everything he could. His heart broke at inevitably leaving his little brother behind. He could only hope that Regulus would understand. 

It took a Knight Bus trip to the Potter residence in Godric’s Hollow. The sky could’ve resembled how Sirius felt. Back at Grimmauld Place Twelve, the sky was always cloudy and rainy. Godric’s Hollow allowed the sun to shine past the fluffy clouds, but tonight was different. The sky was dark and thick, black clouds covered the stars. Rain poured from them, and it pittered on the stone roads. Sirius was instantly drenched when he stepped off the Knight Bus. 

Hesitantly he made his way to the door, where he knocked softly. The house was two stories and was a relatively big family home - not bigger than Grimmauld Place - but an average family home. The house was a mixture of grey, dark purples, and brown. It reminded Sirius of Remus’ patched jumpers. Sirius could hear movement from behind the plum door, and it opened to reveal a familiar face. James Potter with his messy hair, hazel eyes, and long limbs. James was muscular, but he was also tall, not Remus tall but taller than Sirius. 

James didn’t speak and ushered him inside. The following morning at breakfast, Euphemia - Mrs. Potter - had given Sirius the excellent news of his new forever home. The Potters would never forget the way Sirius lit up and how a smile had taken over his face. Sirius didn’t remember being this happy except for when Regulus was born. 

But his forever home was not forever. 

In seventh year, James’ parents had died, and nobody had comforted Sirius except one person who attempted. James had Lily, and that was enough for him. Perhaps it was selfish to think that James should be comforting him. It was definitely selfish. Sirius was doing really good at hiding how he felt until he crumbled behind a tapestry near the dungeons. 

Sirius didn’t know if it was good or bad luck that Regulus - his prefect Slytherin brother - had found him behind that tapestry. Regulus had pulled back the fabric slowly with his wand lit. His face had softened at his older brother sobbing with his knees to his chest. Regulus allowed his wand light to extinguish before sitting in front of him in the same position, allowing their socks to touch at the tips. 

They sat there for a couple of minutes before Regulus moved closer, albeit hesitantly to sit beside Sirius. Regulus had his back against the concrete, and Sirius curled up onto him while the younger Black brother rubbed his older brother's back. Sirius cried harder and harder. It took an hour before he subdued to sniffles and whimpers, but Regulus took it as his time to speak. 

“I know they meant a lot to you,” Regulus stated, still rubbing his older brothers back, “And I don’t blame you for grieving them.”

Sirius sniffled, “I ought to be grateful for them, really.” Regulus released a sound that sounded like a chuckle, but it was so foreign to Sirius he couldn’t tell, “They kept you safe. Kept you away from mother and father. They gave you a home where you could finally be you.”

“And no matter how mad I want to be at them for taking you away from me,” Regulus admitted, “I just can’t be because they gave you everything you wanted, and I’ve never seen you happier in my life.”

Regulus didn’t stop talking, “You know… I- I found my own James Potter.”

Sirius looked up at Regulus with flushed cheeks, but his facial expression was baffled, and Regulus presented him with a small smile, “Okay, maybe she isn’t my ‘James Potter’ per se because I don’t see her as a sister but rather she’s my girlfriend.”

“What’s- What’s her name?” Sirius croaked; his throat was so raw from crying. 

“Y/n L/n.”

“A- A Gryffindor?”

Regulus made that sound again, “Yeah. A stupidly brave one too. Even worse.”

Sirius smiled, “I know her.”

“Don’t tell me she was one of your conquests.” Regulus grimaced, and Sirius chuckled, snuggling back into Regulus’ chest, “No, she wasn’t. It turns out she has the hots for the other Black brother.”

Regulus smiled, and they allowed the silence of the castle to consume them. It was dark in the corridor on the other side of the tapestry, and Regulus could see the faint moonlight peaking out. He could also imagine the stars glittering beautifully in the midnight sky. He could see the star Sirius shining brighter than ever, and he just wanted his brother to feel the same. 

“I plan to marry her.” Regulus said before he could stop the words from falling from his mouth.

“What happens then?”

“What do you mean?”

“Mother and father will never approve.”

Regulus scoffed, “I’m done with their bullshit and have been for quite a while.”

Sirius met his brother's eyes again, “I left right after you. It turns out there is no more heir to the Black family name.”

The older Black brother smiled brightly and tightened his grip on his younger brother. Regulus couldn’t remember feeling this warm since they were little boys running around the backyard. Sirius was practically on top of him, and that was okay. For now, everything seemed okay again. Maybe Euphemia and Fleamont were gone, but even in their deaths, they managed to benefit Sirius’ life. 

Now it all seemed fruitless. 

Only a couple of months later, Sirius and Regulus had gotten into a huge kerfuffle. It ended with screaming, raw throats, tears, and flushed cheeks. Sirius could remember how Regulus playfully mocked his and Remus’ relationship. He didn’t know exactly what happened, just that he was pouncing for his little brother, and Remus was holding him back. Sirius had yelled some very awful things that he couldn’t take back. 

She hadn’t done anything. She didn’t even know that an argument had happened. Y/n had been reading in the common room when the book was flung out of her hand, and she was pushed against the stone wall of the Gryffindor Tower. Y/n met eyes with stormy grey ones, not unlike her lovers, but these weren’t her lovers. These were his elder brother's eyes, and he had lifted her off the floor against the wall until James had pulled Sirius off her. 

Y/n hit the floor with a thud and repeatedly coughed, hands on her throat. James had stormed into the boy's dormitory with Sirius with him. She didn’t even understand what was happening not until she met up with Regulus in the prefect dorm, and he saw the marks on her neck. Sirius had taken it too far, and Regulus was furious. They were no longer on speaking terms. 

Now Sirius had someone entirely different to grieve. 

Sirius had felt like his heart hit the floor when he was forced to move out of James’ house with Lily due to Harry being born. Remus had moved away to take care of his sick mother and asked for privacy. The funds that had previously been in Sirius’ account had been squandered, and now he was paying the price. 

He had absolutely nowhere to go. Truthfully, there was one place he could go, but he didn’t think he’d ever be accepted there. He had said unforgivable things, but James had given him enough confidence that it would be okay. Reluctantly, Sirius Black took the Knight Bus to the suburbs in London. The community felt so modern and new. It was different then Godric’s Hollow which had been around for so many years that it began to weather and erode. 

The deja vu was hitting him like a brick. Their house was a mixture of grey, black, white, and maybe blue - Sirius couldn’t tell in the darkness if it was white or pale blue. Perhaps he’d find out tomorrow if he was even welcomed inside. Sighing and shivering, Sirius knocked on the door. He could hear little squeals of delight that sounded much like a child. He also heard talking, but he froze when the door opened. 

Regulus Black, at the age of twenty-two, looked good. His hair was to his jaw, and it was wavy at the ends, whereas Sirius’ was much more straight. His eyes had turned silver over the years. His cheeks looked much fuller, and he looked a lot better. Regulus was no longer looked underweight, but he was still slim and skinny. Black family genes, Sirius supposed. Sirius couldn’t meet his brother's eyes. 

“What do you want, Sirius.” 

His name falling from Regulus’ mouth instead of a nickname hurt more than he expected, “I had nowhere else to go…”

Regulus scoffed, “James finally kick you out, eh?”

“Yeah, he did.” Sirius sounded so distant, “Perhaps it was about time, and here I am, at your doorstep.”

“Come on, Sirius.” Regulus motioned for him to come in, and Sirius did. 

The house was much cozier inside. The floors were dark wood, almost black. The living room - on Sirius’ left - was a darker turquoise color with grey furniture. The dining room - on Sirius’ right - was a light grey. The furniture was a marble table, white wood chairs with cushions, and a beautiful light fixture. Regulus led him to the kitchen, which was straight ahead in the hallway. 

It was a beautiful mint green color with black and white furniture. The appliances were primarily black and the furniture primarily white, but regardless, it was beautiful. They had another table in the kitchen that was a grey wood instead of the shiny marble in the dining room but nevertheless screamed elegance. Sirius sat at one of the barstools at the L of the counter. Regulus slid him a cup of tea. 

“Your house is beautiful.” Sirius complimented, and Regulus placed the cup back into the saucer, “Thank you. My wife picked everything out for the most part. I either built it or painted it.” Regulus smiled. 

“Your wife?”

Regulus hummed, “Y/n Black. Ring any bells?”

Sirius swallowed, “Yeah.”

They both took a sip of tea, “I have two kids too. Both boys.”

“Two?!“ Sirius nearly spat out the liquid he had just taken a sip of. 

“Twins. Fraternal, thankfully.”

He placed the cup down, “What’re their names?“

“Perseus Regulus Black and Leo Alphard Black.”

“Perseus and Leo, huh?“

Regulus blushed, “It wasn’t my idea. It was Y/n’s.”

“I like them,” Regulus looked up at him, “The names. I’m sure they fit them too.”

“Thanks.”

It wasn’t long until footsteps began to echo coming down the steps. Y/n had grown up too. Her face was sharper and her curves more defined. If Sirius was honest, she didn’t look like she had kids at all. To be fair, he wasn’t really staring at Y/n but more so his brother. Regulus had a starstruck expression as his wife walked towards him. He had a dopey smile on his face and stars in his eyes. Regulus really loved her, and Sirius could tell, hell, anyone could. 

Y/n stopped in her tracks at seeing Sirius, “What’s he doing here?” 

Regulus placed an arm around her waist, “He came looking for a place to stay. While I was waiting for you, I decided to catch up with him for a little.”

Sirius looked guilty, “Ultimately, I’m leaving this decision up to you.” 

Y/n sighed and looked at both brothers. She thought of what he did back at Hogwarts. She thought of how Regulus had cried and ached for his brother, wishing for their relationship to be back the way it was. She thought of her two children who always asked about their Uncle Sirius, who was never around. 

“Sirius,” Y/n began, and Sirius held his breath, “Where will you go if I were to say no?”

Sirius looked at his lap, “The streets.”

He couldn’t hear the footsteps that approached him until soft hands lifted his head where he met soft e/c eyes, “I’m willing to look past everything that happened at Hogwarts for the sake of my children. They deserve their uncle. But I need you to show me that I can trust you and that you won’t cause trouble.”

“I’ll do anything.” Sirius complied, and Regulus smirked, “Don’t say that. She’ll have you remodel something.”

“You’re an asshole.” Y/n whirled, and Regulus continued to smirk, “I told you to use magic, and you said we should do it the Muggle way.”

He shrugged, “We got good memories out of doing it the Muggle way.”

“If getting paint all over me counts as good memories, then sure.”

“It does.” Regulus smiled, “Your face was priceless.”

“Dickhead.” She muttered. 

Sirius grinned, “Well, Sirius. If Y/n lets you stay, then you’re welcome here. What I did back at Hogwarts was uncalled for, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have mocked you and Remus.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“It is.” Regulus countered solemnly, “Had I not done that; then we could’ve had a better relationship. For that, I’m sorry.”

Sirius stood up and hugged Regulus tight, “New beginnings?”

“New beginnings.” Regulus smiled. 

Regulus led Sirius up the wooden stairs up to the second story. It seemed to have had four bedrooms and two bathrooms, one in the master bedroom, one in the hallway, not including the one downstairs. On the end of the left side was a door leading to the master bedroom. On the right end was a cabinet and two doors across from one another. Then in the middle of the back was a door leading to another bedroom which Regulus had opened. 

The bedroom was spotless and beautiful. It was painted a grey with purple undertone with a queen-sized bed. Most of the furniture was white, and the bedding was black. Sirius had brought his trunk to its normal size and placed it at the end of the bed. Regulus smiled as Sirius looked around. 

“This is yours for as long as you want it.” Regulus stated softly snd Sirius had tears in his eyes, “Thank you.”

Sirius hugged his brother again, “I really mean it, thank you.”

“I love you, Sirius.” Regulus confessed, “You’ll always be my brother. The one who held me during thunderstorms. The one who sewed up my teddy bear when it had gotten ripped. The one who took the blame so I wouldn’t get punished.”

Sirius was gripping the back of his shirt tightly, “That stuff doesn’t just go away.”

They parted, and Regulus smiled, “Get some sleep. I’m sure you’d like to see the boys tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah. I’d like to meet my nephews.” Sirius admitted smiling brightly. 

“Get some sleep, Siri.” 

“You too, Reggie.”

[xxdragonwriterxx]

🔥Where Is Your Rider?🔥

A/N: HEY EVERYONE!!! So, I just wanted to thank you guys for the massive amount of support you guys have given me recently, I just managed to reach a pretty significant follower count!!! I don’t want to specify the number because I don’t want to make this into a competition, but I’m so happy and grateful for all of you guys and the love and support you have shown me! As promised, I plan to celebrate with a face reveal! I’ll specify when I’m going to do it (as I don’t know when I won’t be busy, lol) but it will happen soon! For now, enjoy this super angsty short one-shot I have written for you guys! This was supposed to be a really short drabble but because I have no self control whatsoever, this ended up being nearly 3,000 words instead of the 500 I planned for it. Also, this was inspired by the two songs, “Where is Your Rider?” and “Pale White Horse” by the Oh Hellos! I hope you enjoy, and again, thank you guys so much!!! ❤️❤️❤️

🐉 Song Recommendation: “Pale White Horse” By: The Oh Hellos 🐉

Word Count: ~2.8k

~~~

Levi braced his hands on his knees, panting so hard his throat burned with dry fire. That had been close. Too close. To say that the expedition had been a nightmare would’ve been an understatement. It had been an absolute disaster. What was supposed to be a simple mission to retrieve some supplies from an abandoned battle station outside the walls had turned into chaos quicker than anyone could’ve ever anticipated as abnormals had surrounded them on all sides. Levi had tried his best to protect as many of his soldiers as he could, but even Humanity’s Strongest Soldier had been overwhelmed by the vast number of titans. Erwin had called for the retreat only minutes into the expedition, and yet they had still lost more men on this mission alone than they had during the past six months.

Levi closed his eyes, willing the tears back against the images of his fallen comrades, their broken bodies and screams of his name as they were devoured right in front of him. He had to stay strong, just for a little while longer. As soon as he got back within the walls and was able to retreat to his office, he would be allowed to break, to let loose the torrent of emotions that threatened to overwhelm him. But for now, he had to be the pillar of strength that his remaining soldiers could look up to for hope and reassurance.

He sighed deeply, forcing down the bile that rose in the back of his throat, and raised his head, his eyes still closed as he prepared what he was going to say to his squad. When he finally felt ready enough to face them, he turned with his head held up high to the pitiful number of soldiers left on the field. He opened his mouth to talk when all of a sudden, he noticed something.

Her squad wasn’t back yet.

Levi’s eyes widened almost imperceptibly, his mouth hung open as the words of his quickly prepared speech were immediately thrown out the window, his mind clouded with worry.

“Where’s Captain (Y/N)? And her squad?” Levi asked, prompting the men around him to stop what they were doing and look to their raven-haired superior. It was obvious that Captain (Y/N) and Captain Levi were together, that much was apparent from Levi’s subtle favoritism and soothed demeanor when she was around, but their relationship was often overlooked due to the professional manner in which they regarded each other when working during the day. Nobody was privy to what occurred behind closed doors - the clingy, loving nature that Levi adopted around (Y/N) when they were alone.

Levi felt a cold tremor trickle down his spine when nobody answered, some of their faces paling as they suddenly remembered their Captain’s relationship, panic laced in their eyes when they realized that nobody could answer Levi’s question. “Did anybody see where they went? Or could make a guess on which direction they could’ve gone?”

Levi tried to keep his voice steady when silence once again answered him, only the soft murmuring of the cadets asking each other for information filling the space. His breathing quickened and shallowed, making him feel light-headed, but he shook the feeling away. He needed to stay focused if he was going to find her. She was going to be alright, she had to be. He wouldn’t accept any other option.

“Alright then, everybody stay here. Commander Erwin should be arriving with the rest of you in a moment. When he gets here, someone tell him that I’ve gone to look for them.”

He whirled on his heel when he was met with murmurs of acceptance, aiming for his horse until a quick flash of movement caught the corner of his eye. He stopped dead in his tracks when he realized it was the movement of a horse racing for them, its hooves striking the ground with every beat as it galloped for them in a panic. Cold dread washed over Levi as the horse got closer, immediately recognizing the silvery white coat of (Y/N)’s stunning mare.

Levi was frozen in fear for the first time in his life as the horse came barreling towards him; riderless. He managed to snap out of it and quickly moved to intercept the horse, using his hands to jolt the frantic horse to a stop. Levi cooed at the mare, murmuring soft words of comfort as he approached her as slowly and non-threateningly as possible. When she had finally calmed down enough for him to touch her, Levi carefully curled his fingers around her reins and stood back to get a good look at the animal.

Her nostrils were flaring with every harsh breath she took, panting with both fear and exertion. Her eyes were wide enough to flash the whites around her irises at him, her gaze darting all around them as if expecting something to jump out at her. Levi felt his stomach clench hard enough to rip a whimper from him when he saw that her once gleaming silver coat was now soaked in sweat, mud, and fresh blood. Levi took a shuddering breath, his eyes closing.

“Danika, where is your rider?”

The mare’s only response was to jerk her head in panic, her ears pinned as she tried to rip herself from his iron grip. Levi bared his teeth, a few stray tears sliding down his cheeks. “WHERE THE FUCK IS YOUR RIDER!?”

He knew shouting would only make things worse, but he couldn’t help himself, his fury and paralyzing fear driving him to the edge of insanity. Where was she? She had to be here, he wouldn’t accept this, couldn’t accept this. She was alive and well and perfectly fine, her horse was just acting crazy. It had to be some kind of trick, some kind of illusion meant as a punishment for the lives of the men he had lost.

He rubbed his eyes but to his horror, the image of blood soaking Danika’s fur didn’t disappear. He wanted to believe that it was Danika’s blood, that the poor animal had just been clawed up in battle, but he knew it wasn’t hers. She had no external wounds to speak of and the blood was pooled on top of her saddle and splashed along her flank rather than gouged from her flesh.

More tears started to stream down his face, the air in his throat hitching with every shaky breath he took. It wasn’t possible. No. She was alive. (Y/N) was alive. The love of his life was alive. Levi hung his head, his hair falling to curtain his expression as he choked on another sob. “Danika, please. Please. Where is your rider? Where is (Y/N)? She was with you, right? She has to be around here somewhere…”

He knew he must look deranged, talking to a horse and muttering to himself, but he didn’t care. All he cared about, in that moment, was finding out where the fuck his lover was. Another sob ripped through his body, his eyes squeezing shut even harder as more tears fell from behind his lids. He didn’t want to accept it, he couldn’t accept it, so why was his heart shattering as if he already had?

The sudden touch of a warm muzzle brushing against his face made him flinch and look up, only to be met with the sight of (Y/N)’s silver mare, watching him with a deeply sorrowful expression that mirrored his own, as if she too was grieving the loss of her rider. Levi wanted to scream, wanted to chase the mare into the woods, wanted to slash titans until his body gave out, but he knew he couldn’t do any of those things. It wasn’t the horse’s fault, no matter how much he wanted someone to blame.

“Please,” he whispered, his fingers coming up to curl against Danika’s soft muzzle. “Please tell me she’s alive. Tell me she made it back with you, you just got scared and left her behind. Tell me that she’s going to be okay. I-I can’t live without her, please.”

He was begging now but he didn’t notice. He just wanted some damn reassurance, some comfort, some support - all of the things that (Y/N) usually provided for him when he felt helpless. But (Y/N) wasn’t with him and he was floundering. His eyes were glossy with tears as he looked deep into the mare’s eyes, begging with both his voice and his gaze for the horse to give him something, anything to work with.

“Levi,” the deep voice right beside him made him jump, too lost in his hysteria to notice that Erwin had slipped up next to him, his face dark and grim. Levi’s eyes were frantic as they searched Erwin’s gaze. He knew the Commander had seen (Y/N) last, her squad had been flanking his during their initial departure. Erwin swallowed. Hard.

“Levi, I’m so sorry but…” The Commander dug around in his pocket until he found what he was looking for and pulled out a small piece of fabric with (Y/N)’s name written on the back. It was (Y/N)’s wings of freedom patch. Levi carefully took the patch in both of his palms, tears flooding his cheeks as his whole body started to shake.

“S-She saved her squad, Levi. They were being chased by a hoard of abnormal titans and she darted off to act as bait. Her p-plan was solid, but there were just too many of them and they overpowered her,” Erwin said, his jaw clenching when he stuttered a few times, fighting back his own tears. He lifted a hand and rested it gently on his friend’s shoulder, squeezing once. “Levi, s-she’s gone.”

Levi immediately shook his head violently in response, refusing to believe it. She wasn’t dead, she couldn’t be. She had promised him that she would stay alive, that she would never leave him alone, especially after all he had lost. She promised. Erwin walked forward, hands outstretched to keep Levi from doing something rash, but he wasn’t fast enough as the raven crashed to the ground, collapsing under the weight of his grief.

A loud, miserable howl tore from his throat and filled the valley, making the soldiers around him flinch as they silently mourned, a few of them even beginning to shed tears as they watched their normally stoic, steadfast Captain break for the first time since they’d met him. Levi ignored everyone as he sobbed out for the world to hear, his head buried in his hands and his body shaking violently with the force of his sorrow.

He didn’t want to accept it, didn’t want to acknowledge what everyone was telling him was fact. He didn’t want to think about anything but getting her back in his arms as soon as possible. It was all he wanted, to feel her warmth pressed lovingly against him, to hear her murmur gentle words filled with more love than he’d ever expected to receive in his life, to see her eyes light up brightly whenever she saw him. Without her, he was nothing. He knew that if he accepted this, that he would be accepting the loss of his very soul. It was too much for him to handle, he had finally been broken.

The pain was unbearable, he couldn’t take it anymore. Without (Y/N) by his side, he had no will to live. Fuck fighting the titans, fuck finding a new, better world, fuck being Humanity’s Strongest Soldier. Fuck everything. None of it was worth it if (Y/N) wasn’t wrapped safely in his arms.

“Levi…”

He heard Erwin coo at him, his hand outstretched to guide Levi to his feet, but the raven quickly ripped his arm from the Commander’s grasp, his eyes filled with an icy fire that would make Death itself shiver.

“Lead the retreat, take my men back to the walls.”

“Levi, what are you-?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” Levi snapped aggressively as he tore his cape from his back and draped it over Danika’s blood soaked saddle.

“Levi, (Y/N)’s dead. You need to come back with us, if you don’t, you won’t make it.”

“That’s the point,” Levi said as he pulled himself into the saddle, once again avoiding Erwin’s attempt to grasp him.

The blonde’s eyes widened to the size of saucers, his jaw dropping at his Captain’s words. “If you think for one fucking second that I am going to let you kill yourself over some girl-”

“Don’t you dare speak about (Y/N) that way,” Levi said, his voice a deadly calm. “She is not just ‘some girl’. She’s the love and light of my life and I’m not leaving without her. I’m going to bring her back, no matter what it takes.”

Erwin opened his mouth to argue, but wasn’t even able to get the first word out before Levi had kicked Danika into a gallop, aiming right for the forest she had come from just minutes earlier. Nobody could do anything but watch as Humanity’s Strongest Soldier tore off into the woods, dread settling in their stomachs at the thought of having to fight without his support. Because they all knew, even if Levi made it, he would never be the same. Unless (Y/N) was somehow magically still alive, Levi would never be the same man he once was. His responsibilities and future didn’t matter to him anymore, not if they didn’t include his love.

Erwin sighed and shouted for his men to retreat, knowing that sending more men to retrieve Levi would only end in more casualties, by both titans and Levi himself. All he could do was trust that his friend could hold his own and would make it back. The soldiers of the remaining squads did as he asked without hesitation but the air was thick with tension as they galloped back to the walls, unsure of how to process the loss of their two strongest Captains.

[witch-and-a-half]

arranged

okay so this was originally going to be a blurb for a request, but i got carried away and decided to post as a full fic. i’m a bit surprised because i was really nervous to write draco and angst, but i got into it and i think i’m pretty happy with the finished product

notes: draco x pureblood!reader, draco x oc, angst, fake dating, arranged marriage

words: 3.7k

- - -

“Hello love, did you hear?” Draco called to you as you walked across the courtyard. You kept your head down, knowing he’d gotten a letter from his parents, and it was likely similar to the one you received from your mother at breakfast. Your pace quickened so Draco wouldn’t be in earshot of the rest of your classmates when he reached you.

“You’re going to ignore me?” He sneered from only a few feet behind you. In a moment, he had fallen into step beside you, but his voice was still loud when he repeated, “You’re going to ignore your future husband?”

The murmurs of nearby classmates were blocked out by the feeling of blood rushing to your face as you stopped and made deadly eye contact with Draco. Before you could hurl an insult at him, he turned to you with his signature smirk and coldly said, “So you have heard. Mother and Father have picked you out for me.” His upper lip curled as he spoke.

As much as you wanted to smack that smirk off his face, you refrained and instead took a slow step closer to him. Your voice was a low whisper, so only he could hear, “If you think I can’t make your life a living hell, think again. I don’t want this, and, seeing the way you look at that Muggle-born girl in Charms, I’d guess you don’t want this either. We might as well not make this any more excruciating than it already is.”

You took note of the angry breaths puffing his chest out and fanning hot breath across your cheeks. Before he could respond though, you spun on your heel and marched off. Once you were a few yards away, you called over your shoulder, “Such a shame. I’d hoped my parents would have better taste.” His jaw was clenched with rage and you didn’t even try to stifle a sickly sweet laugh.

~ ~ ~

A few months had passed and, surprisingly, Draco had been relatively kind during the few times you’d interacted since the courtyard fiasco. You’d mostly avoided each other, which was why you were so surprised when he pulled you into an empty classroom after dinner one evening. As much as you hated to admit it, the feeling of his long fingers wrapped tightly around your wrist gave you butterflies.

But once you were inside, you jerked your arm and he released his grip. “What on-” you hissed.

“I need a favor.” Draco’s face was softer than you’d ever seen it. It was so uncharacteristic that it almost made you queasy. Most of you wanted to say something spiteful, but you were too curious as to what could possibly make his eyes fill with desperation. You cocked an eyebrow, keeping a stern look in your eyes.

“You know Arielle?” He murmured, “Well we’ve been seeing each other in secret and I’m worried my parents are catching on so… I need you to pretend we’re dating.”

You pursed your lips as he continued, “We both know this was going to happen eventually so-”

But you cut him off, “What’s in it for me?”

That’s when Draco’s face returned to normal: narrowed eyes, an icy sneer, and a tight jaw. His eyes flicked down briefly before locking on yours. His voice was cold and dry as ever, “I’ll owe you.”

“You’ll owe me?” You spat, emphasizing the word “owe.”

Draco folded his arms across his chest, “Yeah. I’ll owe you.”

You paused for a moment. Maybe having something to hold over Draco’s head wouldn’t be so bad, especially since you were doomed to spend the rest of your life with him.

“Fine,” You said firmly, “but you owe me.”

~ ~ ~

In all honesty, pretending to be Draco’s girlfriend was easier than you had anticipated. Nobody at school expected Draco to be a super affectionate or attentive boyfriend, so you mostly had to hold his hand between classes and sit on his lap occasionally in the Common Room. And every once in awhile, you’d have to spend an evening hiding out in the Astronomy Tower so Draco could see Arielle without people wondering why he’d left you alone on a Friday or Saturday evening, but you didn’t mind spending those nights alone under the stars. The only really difficult part was when he called you pet names; something about hearing the words “darling” and “my love” roll off his tongue made your heart skip. You refused to acknowledge that reaction though.

Sometimes, late at night, you would remember that you may have to spend the rest of your life pretending to love Draco Malfoy, and that made your stomach churn.

It wasn’t until one Friday after classes when you started to really worry about your feelings for Draco. You were in the library looking for a book to use for a paper when someone cleared their throat beside you. Turning, you were face to face with Henry Gilbert—a tall, dark-haired, handsome boy in the year above you. “Hi, Henry… can I help you?” Your eyebrows drew together slightly in confusion as you spoke.

Smiling softly, he responded “Whatcha reading?” Henry turned the book in your hands so he could see the title, and you felt his warm fingers ghost over your hand as he did so. You felt your face flush a bit and you looked from the book to him. You were so flustered that you didn’t notice Draco at the end of the stacks watching the interaction with a hard expression.

“Um, it’s just for a paper…” The look in Henry’s eyes was making your heart pound. Again, he moved his hand to the book resting on your forearm. He placed his hand atop the hand that was wrapped around the book.

“Hey, I was wondering-” He started, causing butterflies to erupt in your stomach as you realized what he was about to ask.

But before he could finish, you saw his wide eyes catch on something behind you. You were about to look over your shoulder to see what had caught his attention when you felt a hand grasp your upper arm and pull you back. Suddenly, Draco was between Henry and yourself with his arm lifted slightly in front of you in an almost protective manner.

Appalled, you hissed, “Draco,” But you froze when he shot you the iciest look you’d ever seen.

“Would your girlfriend be pleased to find out you’ve been in the library flirting with other boy’s girlfriends?” Draco’s tone was stinging.

Henry’s eyes narrowed at Draco before softening and looking back at you. His lips curved into a mischievous grin as he spoke, “Oh, love, wouldn’t you like to have a bit of fun before you have to spend the rest of your life with this git?”

“I-” You began, but Draco’s arm—the one that had been protectively hovering a few inches in front of you—moved so his forearm was solidly on your lower ribcage.

“Don’t you dare speak to her,” His voice was low and deep, nearly a growl, and you realized his other hand was holding his wand by his side.

Henry raised his arms in defeat and raised his brows at you before leaving the library without another word. Draco didn’t make eye contact with you as he pushed passed you to go back to the table he was working at before. As you registered what had just happened, your hand shot out to grab Draco’s arm and stop him. “Hey,” You sputtered, but Draco just grunted and shook off your hand.

As you left the library, your head was swimming. Why had Draco been so protective? Was it because you were his fake girlfriend? Or did it have to do with your betrothal? Or was there another reason for his reaction? Your heart faltered as you considered that last idea.

But you decidedly ignored any potential feelings for Draco; there was no reason to indulge the idea of anything serious happening between the two of you. Your parents had made sure of that when they’d arranged your marriage with the Malfoys.

Things continued like normal after that day: hand-holding and the occasional peck on the cheek. You didn’t think about those worries again until Valentine’s Day. Draco made little effort to celebrate the holiday, which would have made you nervous if you cared about the believability of your relationship. It wasn’t until that evening, as you sat beside him in the Common Room reading a book, that he presented you with a Valentine’s Day gift. “You don’t have to open it now, but I figured I ought to get you something.” His voice was a murmur, and he sounded so insincere that it hurt your feelings a bit, even coming from a fake boyfriend. You nodded silently, toying with the ribbon on the box he’d given you. He pressed a chaste kiss to your forehead before turning back to the conversation he was having with his friends.

Later that night, alone in your dorm, you unwrapped the box. It contained a small box and a pink envelope. Your name was scrawled neatly on the envelope—too neatly to be written by Draco. Curiously, you pulled out the piece of parchment to find a handwritten letter.

Dear [y/n],

I know we haven’t really spoken before, but I wanted to thank you for what you’re doing for Draco and I. I’m sure he hasn’t expressed how much it means to him—and for me as well—but we are both truly grateful. He’s told me he appreciates your help in this, and I feel like I should pass that sentiment along.

With your help, I’ve found the love of my life. He is so sweet to me and we’ve been able to have the most splendid past few months because of all you’ve done to help us. I cannot begin to imagine the sacrifices you’ve made to help us achieve that, but I am so appreciative of it. If you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask. I honestly owe you so much. I’m not sure what the future holds for the three of us, but I will always consider you a friend and you can always rely on me.

My gift to him was a bottle of my perfume and a ring with our names inscribed on the inside. You should take credit for both of these if it comes up. Enclosed in this package is a token of our gratitude (I picked them out). You should probably tell people Draco got them for you, but I want to make sure you know that it’s also a girl-to-girl “thank you” gift. 

Yours,

Arielle

You swallowed thickly as you read the letter over again. She had drawn a delicate heart next to her name at the bottom of the letter and your hand traced over it. This was the first time you’d really had to think about Arielle and Draco’s relationship. The way she described him was unlike anything you’d ever heard anyone say about Draco before, and you wondered how different he must be around her.

It made your stomach ache to think about. You knew in your heart that you secretly hoped to one day see the beautiful version of Draco that Arielle saw every day. You gingerly opened the box that had accompanied the letter. There were two gorgeous dangly earrings inside, and you could picture Arielle and Draco in a shop together buying them. You could see her pointing at them in a glass case, and Draco paying for them solemnly as Arielle beamed beside him. And you wondered, painfully, what he had bought her for Valentine’s Day. The growing pit in your stomach twisted when you saw the messy scrawl on the other side of the parchment.

Thank you.

- D.M.

~ ~ ~

You and Draco had married soon after the war. Your parents had subtly mentioned that they would understand if you chose not to marry Draco; they were worried mostly about your family’s reputation if they became entwined with the Malfoys, who had fallen from grace on both sides of the war. But you considered three things: the threat of Narcissa and Lucius’s wrath if you backed out of the engagement, the fear that you couldn’t find love with any of your old classmates because you had associated yourself with the Malfoys for too long, and the persistent, foolish hope that maybe Draco would someday love you properly.

Draco worked at the Ministry and you spent your days listless in the home you shared. Draco had insisted on buying a grand estate, and it was larger than the two of you ever really needed. At first, you had considered working, but, with the Malfoy’s wealth, you didn’t need to. Instead, you focused on taking care of the home, picking up hobbies, and finding miscellaneous activities to fill your time. Life was dull, but you felt lucky to be safe and cared for after the chaos of the war.

Most evenings, you’d make dinner and eat with Draco at the kitchen island or in the large dining room. Your relationship was friendlier now. The war had hurt Draco worse than you, so you had become a sort of caretaking companion. He still saw Arielle on occasion too. At first, they had tried to keep up their relationship, but, when she realized he still planned to marry you, things had waned. You didn’t ask Draco about her very much, and he rarely mentioned her. All you knew was that he would visit with her at least a few times a month, and she still sent you gifts or cards on holidays.

Draco and you slept in separate rooms. He was close—just across the hall—but neither of you felt compelled to share a bedroom. Some evenings, he would slip into bed beside you in the middle of the night and be gone before you woke in the morning. You knew it was because of nightmares, but you never discussed it. Those nights were becoming less frequent as time passed though. Admittedly, you liked sharing a bed with him, but you could never tell him that. Your persistent feelings for him gnawed at your heart more frequently than you’d have liked, and some things would especially make your heart ache—like sharing a bed or when he’d spend the night at Arielle’s and you’d be alone in the big empty house.

One evening, when Draco was meant to be at Arielle’s, he came home abruptly. You were redecorating the sitting room—one of your favorite boredom busters—when you heard the door slam and his quick footsteps up the stairs, followed by a rustling sound. As you finished hanging a new painting, you heard something upstairs clatter. You went to the base of the stairs and were about to call up to Draco when you realized that the rustling sound was actually the sound of soft sobs.

You tiptoed up the dark staircase to Draco’s room and rapped gently on the door before coming in slowly. He was crouched on the foot of his bed, facing away from you, with his head in his hands. His shoulders were shaking, but the sobs were quieter now that you were in the room. A few feet in front of him was a shattered perfume bottle and a ring that had been thrown on top of it. You nervously sat down beside him, just close enough that your shoulders touched. Now that you were closer, the smell of the perfume was overwhelming.

When Draco raised his head from his hands, his eyes were puffy and his cheeks were stained with tears, but his expression was solemn. “She doesn’t want to see me anymore.” His voice was strained, “I think she’s found someone else.”

You’d seen this coming. Arielle loved Draco, but he was married to you, and she deserved to find an available man. Draco used to come home from their visits in high spirits, but that wasn’t the case with their past few visits.

Unable to find comforting words, you rubbed your hand up and down his back instead. A few moments passed and Draco’s breaths became steadier before you finally spoke, “Can I clean this up?”

He gulped and nodded, “Please get rid of it.” Using your wand, you dumped the shards of glass in the trash can by the door and evaporated the liquid. You picked up the ring, catching a glimpse of Arielle’s name on the inside, and moved to put it in the trash with the glass. “Wait,” Draco choked, “Can I see it?”

You placed the ring in the palm of his hand and a tear slipped from his eye as he pointed his wand at it. Arielle’s name slowly faded, so only Draco’s remained. He held the ring between his thumb and index finger, inspecting it for a moment before handing it to you.

“You’re all I have now.” He said softly.

Your jaw clenched at his words. The war and marriage had effectively destroyed your social life, and you’d never been close with your family, so Draco had been all you had for the past year or so. His words only reminded you of that.

Draco stood suddenly and grabbed something from inside his dresser. He turned back to you and handed you the ring, which was now on a thin silver chain. “Will you wear this? I promise you I’ll be around more and we can be like a proper husband and wife… like we should’ve been all along.” His voice was pained and pleading, so you obliged.

You rose to your feet and took his hand, “Let’s get you in bed. It’s late.”

Draco nodded as you handed him one of his pajama sets. While he changed, you went downstairs to make him a cup of chamomile tea. You hesitated at the top of the stairs before going into your room to grab your favorite lavender candle, praying it would help replace the lingering smell of Arielle’s perfume. There was a small envelope on your pillow and your name was written on it in a familiar scrawl. You gingerly unfolded the tear-stained parchment.

[y/n],

I wanted to thank you one last time. As always, you can count on me if you ever need anything.

Please take care of him.

Much love,

Arielle

You nodded to yourself before tucking the letter into your nightstand drawer and heading back to Draco’s room, mug and candle in hand.

When you entered his room, Draco was sitting at the end of his bed, staring at nothing. You sat beside him and handed him the mug, “Here, love.” His eyes remained fixed on the empty space ahead of him, but he smiled grimly as he sipped the tea. You lit the candle and sat it on his dresser where the perfume bottle had been. Then you knelt on the floor in front of him so his eyes finally met yours. You put a hand on his knee as you spoke, “Is there anything I can do to help?”

The emptiness in his eyes made your heartache worse than ever before. He blinked slowly before whispering, “Stay with me tonight?”

You took his hand and drew back the sheets on his bed. He crawled in stiffly and you laid beside him. Just like when he had nightmares, you turned your back to him so you were spooning with his arm wrapped tightly around your middle. He sniffled sharply in your ear, and your gut shattered.

You loved him. You had never realized how much or when it had gotten this bad, but it was suddenly unmistakeable. That’s why you’d married him and that’s why you made him dinner every night and that’s why you were so pained by his heartbreak this evening. You cared about him so deeply and genuinely that it made you physically ill. And, as you felt the cold metal ring on your chest, you realized that Draco would never love you as you loved him. His heart would always belong to Arielle in some way or another. You’d seen the gifts they got each other and knew the dates they went on and the way he looked after he’d spent time with her. Arielle was truly meant for Draco, and you would never be that for him because your relationship was predestined by your parents. The realization made your chest feel empty. You’d been hollowed out by the pain of loving a man who would always be near but never truly yours.

Tears were beginning to pool in your eyes when you felt Draco’s chest heave suddenly. Any thought of crying was abandoned as you turned your attention back to the boy beside you. Rotating in his arms, you saw that he wasn’t crying, but dryly sobbing. His face was wracked with worry as you brushed it softly with your fingertips.

“I have to tell you something,” he choked, “I can’t keep it from you much longer,”

You nodded, desperately trying to predict what he was going to say.

His voice was shaky now, “Turn back around, please.”

Turning back so you faced away from him stung a bit, but your heart was beating too fast to deal with that hurt.

Draco took a few deep breaths into the crook of your neck before he spoke. “I got a letter from my parents this morning…”

Your breath hitched as you realized what he was going to say, but you waited silently for him to finish.

“They- They asked about…” His voice cracked and his arm on your waist tightened, “They asked about an heir.”

The only response you could muster was a slow nod. Your eyes were squeezed shut as you came to terms with this next step of your sham of a relationship. Tears began to flow gently from your eyes at the thought. What else were you supposed to do? You would have to start a family with the man you love, all while knowing he didn’t love you the same way. The voices in your head didn’t stop until you realized Draco had fallen asleep. The feeling of his slow breaths on your skin and the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest slowly lulled your aching heart to sleep.

[ A/N: okay so i get a lot of asks and comments about a part 2 for this fic and im honestly so touched!! i posted my thoughts about a part 2 a while back and i’ll link it here <3 ]  - oct 4, 2020

[thefirsttree]

A personal update + my next game

OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.

Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.

However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!

And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.

So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.

First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.

So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…

Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.

I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)

And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.

Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.

Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).

These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.

The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.

So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.

This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.

For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.

So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?

I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.

A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.

I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!

I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind…  I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”

Thanks for reading,

David

[aggressive-positivity-network]

Tf2 headcanons? Aw yeah! So let's say a new merc joins the team. They're a total asshole: Cocky, sarcastic, overconfident, refuse help. But both Spy and Scout see right through that, it's a defense mechanism. How do they go about making this person comfortable enough to not be an asshole?

*chanting* HURT COMFORT HURT COMFORT HURT COMFORT HURT COMFORT HURT COMFORT HURT COMF

Okay, jokes aside, this is one of my favorite tropes. Maybe I’m too naïve to believe that some people are just mean to be mean, or maybe it’s a sort of comfort to know that even the worst people can be understood, but either way, WOOOOOOOOO!

*****************

An Ass For An Ass

Headcanons

Scout:

To be honest, Scout’s threshold for asshole-ery is pretty high. Growing up with eight brothers will do that to you.

But when the new recruit came around, something immediately rubbed him the wrong way.

Recruit always stole his thunder with the crass jokes and over-the-top displays. Every battle turned into a competition, which messed with Scout’s system of fighting. He never had to focus much on his own team before, and now he had to worry about keeping his own reputation upheld while trying not to get stabbed, shot, or blown up.

Recruit also kept hitting on Miss Pauling - even after reminding them again and again that she was lesbian, and was not and never will be into dudes.

“Come on…you just haven’t been with a real man yet…”

“No, no, I’ve been with a lot of men. Real men. I just wasn’t into any of them. After a while, it was kind of obvious.”

But what really pissed a lot of people off was Recruit’s fighting style.

They were an absolute monster on the field - that’s why they were chosen - but every interaction was treated as some sort of survival scenario.

One would think that would be a good thing, but Recruit was ridiculous.

No matter what the situation was, he was fine, he was okay, he could take it, he could fix it.

He could be killed only inches away from a Medic because he would never yell for one. Sometimes Recruit would even show visible anger at being healed. It got to the point where Medic didn’t heal him at all, and just allowed him to die as to not waste time he could give too more grateful patients.

Missions were even worse.

He followed orders to a T, but Pauling had to beg him to leave a failed mission, or to leave without completely destroying the site.

Everyone just took it as Recruit showing off, or having something to prove as a rookie.

It was annoying, but ultimately harmless in most circumstances.

However, it all came to a head when Recruit tried disengage a sentry by himself and was severely injured.

Both Engineer and Medic, who had had to fix most of Recruit’s past and current recklessness, ripped him a new one, one chewing out after the other.

“What we’re you thinkin’, son?! One crossed wire and you woulda blown the whole base!”

“Zhe only reason you are allowed in my lab at all is because it’s in my contract. Personally, I vould have rather left nature to it…”

Since then, Recruit did exactly as he was told, and nothing else. And most of the team liked it that way.

But Scout recognized some warning signs immediately. Fatigue, near silence except for missions, self-isolation, snapping when people got too close…it all paved the way for a pretty nasty (and, for Scout, very familiar) result.

One night, Recruit was sitting on the balcony, and Scout came out with two bottles - a beer for Recruit and a root beer for himself.

(Scout can only drink on the weekends because one, unlike most, he can’t go to work hung over because his job requires a lot of movement, and two, he has no restraint and can’t stop once he starts.)

“What do you want?”

Scout shrugged. “Depends.”

“On what?!”

“What are ya willin’ to tell me?”

Recruit just looked at the beer and sneered.

“Can’t we just skip this?” Scout said. “Maybe get to the part where you tell me what kinda Sally Sob Story we’re dealin’ with here?”

Recruit looked away.

“Aw, c’mon, don’t tell me you don’t got one. ‘Cause you do. I can see it a mile away. So what happened? Pop leave? Somebody died? Lotta brothers and sisters? Ma had a few too many and smacked ya around?”

Recruit didn’t turn around, but Scout could tell he was crying. He had hit a sore spot. Hard.

“Hey, pal, listen…”

Scout trailed off, then slowly began again.

“…the only reason I know is ‘cause I’ve been through it, ‘kay? Outta everybody I knew, I only trusted me. And that was great when I did a good job, ‘cause I knew I put me there.”

Scout opened his bottle of root beer and took a long swig.

“But when I screwed somethin�� up, it’s like everybody I ever knew just let me down. The one thing I could count on was gone.”

Recruit looked at Scout with tears in his eyes.

“But ya can’t do everything by yourself,” Scout continued. “Believe me. I learned that the hard way.”

Scout laughed, but it was mostly to clear the air. He didn’t get serious very often.

Recruit hadn’t touched his beer, but was leaned over the balcony with his head in his hands.

Scout sighed and looked up at the stars.

“But here’s somethin’ that nobody told me - it gets easier, y’know that? You just gotta relax and cut yourself some slack.”

Recruit shifted uncomfortably. “But the Administrator said…”

“Yeah yeah yeah, I know what she said. Gave ya that whole speech about how bein’ part of the team means discipline and focus and whatever. It’s all bull crap. She don’t know the first thing about bein’ on the field. If she did, why’d she hire us?”

“Sh-she said my perseverance was an asset to the team.”

“Perseverance, my ass. You know what would be an asset to the team? Stayin’ alive for more than fifteen minutes!”

Recruit looked at his feet. He had blinked away his tears, but he still looked on the verge of falling apart.

Scout put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it a little.

“You’re a great fighter, Recruit. You’re one of the best…that’s why you’re here. You got nothin’ to prove to nobody. Not to me, not to the team, not to the Administrator…not even to yourself. You’ve made it, kid. You’ve made it.”

Scout slid his hand off Recruit and started to walk away.

“Hey.”

Scout turned to see Recruit in the process of opening his beer.

“Thanks.”

Scout smiled. “No problem, pal. Plenty more under Demo’s mattress.”

“No, I mean…for that. I needed that tonight.”

“Oh…yeah! Sure. Don’t worry about it.”

Scout went back inside and to his room - but not before checking the cameras on the balcony a few times. Just in case.

Over the next few months, Scout kept helping Recruit break some old bad habits.

Recruit learned to take criticism without getting angry, to leave tanked missions, and to take care of himself.

He still occasionally flirted with Miss Pauling, but it was now more of an inside joke than anything.

Recruit still isn’t perfect - he still cringes a little when he’s healed, and falls back into survival mode when times are stressful - but he is now a much happier, much healthier person.

Spy:

Spy’s asshole wasn’t a merc, per se.

They were more of an informant, usually giving out important facts about locations, missions, and a target’s history.

Sometimes they would even use the Administrator’s PA system to announce new rules and reminders.

This would be perfectly fine - after all, you get kind of tired of hearing the Administrator all the time - except for the fact that Informant was the most sarcastic, most nasally, most apathetic, most matter-of-fact person on earth.

Even outside of a work setting, which was rare because they stayed in their office most of the time, Informant would go out of their way to be as condescending as possible.

Especially to whoever they considered to be in the “less intelligent” category: Heavy, Pyro, Scout, Demo, and Soldier.

To all the “others,” he turned every briefing into a contest to see who knew more at any given time…which, of course, usually meant he won.

“Now, does anyone know where his address is? Come on, any takers? Yeah, I thought so.”

Unlike Recruit, which would only warrant a few grumbles here and there from the team, Informant was the subject of a lot of hissed complaints and terrible rants from even the calmest of members.

Informant was the only one who could get under Heavy’s skin - a personal pet peeve of his was being considered less intelligent or less of a human being because English wasn’t his first language, which Informant chose to remind him of constantly.

It began with a few simple jabs at his grammar or word structure, but once Informant figured out that Heavy wouldn’t hurt a fly outside of battle, the taunts grew more and more daring.

Heavy would usually ignore Informant, which would only exacerbate their need to be noticed. This led to some pretty nasty interactions - from spouting the statistics of Russia’s average intelligence to even saying Heavy was a disgrace to his country by being a literature major.

“How’s that Russian literature major treating you? You know - in America.”

Sniper and Medic had tried to set Informant straight, but Heavy refused to accept any help. This was something that was his to bear, and his alone. He knew that they both took their own helping of harassment.

But one day, Informant went a little to far.

He did the one thing you should never do: insult Heavy’s family.

“You mother and sisters can’t do anything more than wait for you. No wonder you’re the only source of income.”

Before he knew it, Informant was against a wall, struggling to breathe, blood running into his eyes.

Heavy walked away after the incident, and told Medic about it, but he refused to heal him. Informant had called Medic a Nazi on more than one occasion.

This, finally, is where Spy comes in.

Spy was walking by Informant’s office, when he heard a strange sound - barely suppressed hiccups and sobs.

Despite his aversion to displays of emotion, the promise of seeing one of his greatest enemies as their lowest was too amusing to resist.

He knocked lightly on the door, then slowly opened it - always the master of drama.

Informant was under their desk, bloodied and bruised, sobbing into their knees.

Spy entered noiselessly, sitting in Informant’s office chair and lighting a cigarette.

It was only when Spy made a dramatic exhale of the smoke that Informant looked up, tears streaking their face.

They stared at each other for a moment, and then Spy finally spoke.

“Oh, how the mighty fall. Flown too close to the sun, have we?”

Informant couldn’t do much more than snivel and retreat farther below the desk.

“Who did it?” Spy asked. “I want to give them my regards…and maybe a bottle of wine.”

“H-Heavy…”

“Oh? Well, if anyone can bring him to blows, it’s you.”

Spy put his feet on the desk and continued to blow smoke out of his nose, thinking.

“It’s strange,” he said. “Most offices have at least a few pictures of family. A trip to the beach, perhaps the zoo…?”

He took a quick glance around.

“No children. No army mates. No graduation photos or a large catch at a local lake. The only personal item you have is this…”

Spy picked up a Rubik’s Cube. The plastic still around it crinkled.

“Unused.”

Informant looked at the floor.

“I like to keep my personal and professional life separate.”

Spy pursed his lips and squinted.

“How noble of you. But I don’t think that’s the case. You know what I think, Informant?”

Spy took his feet of the desk and bent down, looking Informant in the eyes.

“I don’t think you have a life.”

Informant’s eyes went wide for a moment, then his face immediately crumpled. Bullseye.

Spy smirked and got up from the chair, starting to leave.

Informant’s sniffling turned into sobbing, and before Spy could put his hand on the doorknob, muffled wailing filled the office.

Spy closed his eyes and clenched his teeth. He was trying not to remember something. But the imagery was too strong.

He remembered hiding under a table, like Informant was. People screaming and cursing at each other in French. His knees all scarred and his nose runny from a cold that should have resolved weeks ago. Waltz music coming from next door, trying to drown out the fighting. Glass breaking. Biting his knuckles so he wouldn’t whimper or cry.

Spy’s hand closed into fist. He took a deep breath, and turned to face Informant again.

“But to be fair…”

He walked towards the desk, putting his hand in his suit pocket. He got on his knees and pulled out a pink handkerchief.

“…I don’t have one either.”

He offered the handkerchief to Informant, who put it to his face, still staring at Spy through red eyes.

The pair were silent for a moment, with Spy putting out his cigarette and lighting a new one while Informant cleaned themselves up.

“But the difference between you and I,” Spy said, his voice wavering a bit, “is that I am a Spy. If my information got into the wrong hands, it could be the end of me and my team.”

He tapped his cigarette on a nearby trash can, letting the ashes fall into it.

“But what are you hiding from?”

Informant took a shaky inhale, the handkerchief still covering his nose and mouth.

“W-what?”

“Why do you feel the need to be, as Scout puts it, a tier five jerkazoid?”

Informant sniffled. “I…I didn’t think I took it that far.”

“Took what that far?”

“I just…snrk…I thought that’s what I had to do to get them to take me seriously.”

Informant laughed, but their heart wasn’t in it.

“I’m five foot four with red hair and freckles. I look more like someone’s Andy doll than a contract killer. I thought maybe if I knew everything…I’d be worth it.”

They shrugged.

“At best, they’d be impressed. At worst, they would never get close enough to me to know the truth: the only reason why I’m here is because I can rattle off a few names and that I had good grades in school because I had nothing better to do.”

Spy’s chest ached. He didn’t know why, but it was a strange feeling to him.

“Mon ami…”

He cleared his throat.

“If half of the team is any indication, you don’t need to be Nikola Tesla to be hired. Hell, the fact you can read is an anomaly in itself. But there is something you must understand…”

Spy cleared his throat again. His voice had gotten quite unstable all of a sudden.

“Intelligence is measured in different ways. Scout could never read even the simplest of children’s books, but his physical intelligence - reflexes, spatial awareness, aim - is phenomenal. Medic would have to put my spine back together if I even attempted to do what he does on the field.”

Informant snickered at the joke, or perhaps the image it conjured.

“And me,” Spy continued. “I can speak almost any language, adjust to any social setting, charm anyone, fool anyone…kill anyone. Just like you, I can remember, and I use the information I absorb mostly to show how superior I am to all my lowly colleagues.”

Spy furrowed his brow and looked away.

“But I know less about myself than even my enemies. I have hidden it so deep within my mind that I can hardly remember…or perhaps would rather not remember…who I was before this mask of mine.”

Informant hesitated. “I…I’m sorry, Spy.”

Spy sneered and puffed a few smoke rings.

“I don’t want your sympathy. I want you to have some self-respect - and respect for my teammates. Because next time you are beaten within an inch of your life, you might catch me in a less generous mood.”

With that, Spy got up, reached into his suit pocket and presented a small MediKit, which he tossed to Informant.

“I’d suggest freshening up before going to any more briefings.”

Informant nodded, and set to work healing himself.

Spy started to leave, then stuck his head back in.

“And hang a few posters, would you? Your office looks like a prison cell.”

Finally, the Frenchman took his leave, adjusting his suit and nodding solemnly to the team members he happened to pass - or scowling at them, depending.

He glanced over the security feed, and once he was satisfied, made his way to his smoking room.

Spy closed the heavy oak door, poured himself a small glass of scotch, and sat down in his chair next to the fireplace.

He put a magazine on his knee and began to flip through the pages, but his gaze soon started to wander.

He closed the magazine, tossed it into the fire, leaned into his hand, and wept.

…So what became of Informant?

Well, after a reluctant heal from Medic and a few well-deserved apologies, Informant began to try and break the cycle of self-sabotage.

The process took a lot longer than Recruit’s did - especially since Informant’s transgressions were a lot more egregious - but, little by little, they began to heal.

A lot of the time, the other mercs would have to tell them to tone it down a bit, or to cut him off completely if necessary.

Informant still almost has a panic attack if he doesn’t have the right papers, and his office is still pretty bare, but he took Spy’s advice - a few AC/DC posters hang on the leftmost wall.

As for Spy, well…he needs to have a talk with Medic.

******************

I am so sorry…this is all so messy and weird. One is so much longer than the other, and I’m not even sure half the dialogue sounds right.

The two headcanons were just typed out at different times, the first where I had less motivation and the second when I had more motivation. This wasn’t on purpose, it just happened.

I hope you still like it, though!

[angelkurenai]

Better to speak or to die? - Sebastian Stan x Reader

Title: Better to speak or to die?

Pairing: Seastian Stan x Reader

Warnings: None

Summary: Loving Sebastian gave you the chance to understand what it is like to meet your soulmate while he realised what it is like to know he could never love another woman because his heart would always belong to you. If only he could give you more than that though, instead of have to congratulate you on the night of your engagement to another man. A business deal made between your father and his ties you to a loveless marriage with someone else, something which you are willing to accept only for Sebastian’s safety to be ensured. Not that he is willing to accept it too.

“So, does he speak?”

The voice was soft and low, light as much as it could be given he hour and the event itself but laced with such pain and such grief that one would begin to wonder what kind of great loss the man had suffered. You only wished you could wonder, though, because knowing was only a curse able enough to compete with your guilt for being the reason behind that grief.

People inside were still laughing, and smiling and talking, some were dancing to the music that still seemed to carry through the night to you, much as you had tried to isolate yourself from all of it. Staring into the stillness and darkness of the night you had almost managed it, almost been successful. Key word: Almost. There was no succeeding in that, there was no winning the fight against your thoughts - the war against your feelings about the man. And just like the music, his presence that was carried towards you even in the silence of the night, reminded you of the bitterly happy scene unfolding inside. Everyone was almost intoxicatingly happy and cheerful and yet nothing and nobody could get you drunk in it, could wash away the bitterness in your mouth or could take away the stinging in your eyes from the unshed tears.

“Pardon?” you asked, feeling like it took you a good couple seconds to reply. If he noticed he didn't comment. And if he noticed the attempt to take in a steady breath and failing miserably he didn't let his feelings for it show either. You were grateful.

“The uh knight.” he took another step closer when he noticed that you hadn't moved from your place, either your muscles refused to obey you or your body and mind had a better sense of self-preservation than you thought, you didn't know. Who knew how you'd react to seeing that pain on his face from up close? Who knew how you'd react to the close proximity in the first place?

He must have had that in mind because just when he was about to get even closer, he stopped himself. But it still was close, it still was so close you could just reach out and touch him if you wanted to and oh did you want to. Every cell in your body wanted it. Deep down you almost believed – you wanted to believe, no matter how wrong that was – that he knew that and stood at arms distance in hoped of you reaching out.

“I'm-” you blinked several times “I'm sorry. I don't understand what you're talking about. I- I feel like my head is... a bit in the clouds these days. Not with happiness though I can't seem to be able to focus.”

He hummed, nodding his head “It's alright. I was just-” he looked ahead of him at the vast green garden splayed in front of you “I suppose I got too carried away by my own thoughts.”

“How so?” you couldn't help but asked, encouraged by the small smile that lifted at the corner of his lips.

“That story you read to me, about the knight and the princess. The one where he doesn't know if he should confess his love to her or not.” and then it fell and you hated yourself more, if possible “We were in a place very similar to this, we were very much like this, when you first mentioned it to me. I couldn't help but... remember it. I suppose, it's all a losing battle. Against my thoughts, against my memories, against-”

My feelings for you. My heart. My own self. My pain.

There were so many words that could fill in that sentence and each one of them hurt more than the other one. You didn't want him to continue, that much you knew.

“Yes” you nodded your head as well, eyes focusing for a couple on the glass of champagne in your hands “How could I possibly ever forget? I remember everything about you, aout us.”

You hadn't meant for that to come out loud but it seemed that he appreciated it because it put a smile on his lips, albeit sad, as his blue eyes found you again. If only he didn't look so dashing in that suit, if only he didn't look like he could easily not be just another guest to the part but rather the host- And then you remembered that he was not and could never be, not when it was another man's place to.

He nodded his head, holding your gaze for a couple more second before whispering “Is it better to speak or to die?” he quoted the line and yet you felt like he wasn't speaking about the book “So... does he speak?”

“I don't know... Does he?” you asked in return, your eyes filling with tears that you had been so carefully trying to fight ever since you saw him during the beginning of the party.

He held your gaze, longer each time he would and certainly far longer than appropriate, before he gave you again a half sad smile and tore his eyes from you “I was hoping you'd know.” he said before his eyes cast down, a frown set on his face “Should he?”

The whisper and the way his voice cracked felt so much worse than all the pained looks you'd seen in his eyes during all of this. It hurt worse, in a way that no words could describe. It was almost as if he was pleading for you to tell him how to act, how to speak and behave, how to... end his pain, how to put an end to his torment when it was obvious you weren't going to end it for him. It wasn't that you didn't want to, if only, you actually couldn't.

“Should she?” your voice was barely above a whisper, you wouldn't blame him if he didn't hear you and truth be told you didn't know if you wanted him to have heard you.

Should you really do something to put an end to his pain? There was only one way, one you could think of, but that was not possible. Not after tonight for sure.

“Time will tell then? We'll see.” he sighed in the end, after a couple seconds of silence. He took a sip of his drink, his eyes focusing on the glass before he smiled but you couldn't face the hollow and pained smile again, not after all these times so you looked away, until he spoke again.

“I suppose congratulations are in order, right?”

Your head snapped in his direction and any attempt, no matter how poor, at seeming calm and at peace, happy even, faded right away. Your eyes locked with his as you held your breath.

“Sebastian-” you started, but the lump in your throat prevented you from speaking.

“I mean-” a bitter laugh “I haven't gotten to tell you so yet, have I? It's-” he cleared his throat “Congratulations, on the engagement. He's- he's a good man, honest and trustworthy. Kind and very loving to his family, he'd do anything for them and also you now. You don't have to worry about a single thing, he'll make you happy. You're lucky. With a husband like him you'll-”

A scoff of a laugh that broke free from your lips cut him off, your watery eyes managing to wipe even the small fake smile he had on “You're kidding me, right?”

“I-” he started but you shook your head furiously with pursed lips and glossy eyes.

“What are you doing, Sebastian? Why are you doing this?” you asked again, your voice cracking “You know very well that this is not a marriage I wanted. None of this is what I wanted, not with him. Yes, he is a good man. Yes, he is honest, the most honest of all of my father's business partner's sons I've ever met. He is the only one that will do something good out of this arrangement, out of this business deal. He won't take my family's money to spend it in deals about trafficking or weapons or who knows what else. And that is the only reason why I've accepted this. Yes-” you hissed “Yes, he is a good man that could make me happy, if only I had it in me to feel that. If only I had it in me to love him, because I know how much I've tried already and failed every time. I know I can't. He was a better choice, but that doesn't mean he's my choice. None of this is my choice, Sebastian. There is nothing normal about this and nothing that is worth of congratulating. If you want to say something, then wish me good luck surviving the rest of my life. Because I've long ago stopped living since this deal was made and there is no happiness for me in the horizon.”

You let out a shaky breath, choking luckily only when you were done rambling. You closed your eyes, praying that your tears would stay away as they were supposed to. Closing your hand into a fist, you also prayed that the shaking would stop before he noticed.

“You-” you opened your eyes, sniffling despite the smile on your lips; it was sad and it hurt “You've ruined every man for me from now on. Who would have thought?”

“If it's of any importance to you... you've done the same so... we're on the same situation.”

Despite your better judgment, you couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh. Looking up at the moon, you let out a sigh “What has my life come to? What is this fucking mess...?”

“A mess? Is that what it is to you?” Sebastian raised an eyebrow, and you noticed the pain in his voice.

“Sebastian, it's my own engagement party and I'm- here and I'm- Look at me. I'm-” you looked away for a second as you spoke in a weak whisper of a confession “Barely able to hold myself back from falling into your arms. You- all you have to do is ask it and I'd be yours and I-” you paused, looking back at him “That can't happen. That's why this is a mess. Not you, not us, but me.”

He spent a couple seconds breathing in and out, as if trying to calm himself, to get his heart rate under control “You know-” he spoke up softly “Maybe I should have told you earlier, as in earlier when we were still-” he cleared his throat, stopping abruptly “Yeah. Maybe. I mean, I always was at a loss for words with you but- You look great in white and you are stunning tonight. I can only imagine... You'll make a wonderful bride, I know that. Especially if you are truly happy.”

“Come on-” you laughed bitterly again “We both know I won't be able to do any of that, Seb.”

“I didn't mean-” you took a sharp breath in when you felt his fingers on your cheek, not having realized as you kept your eyes away that he had gotten so close “During your wedding with... him. I meant during a wedding you'd ave chosen with a man you love and a man who can make you truly happy.”

“And you're saying you would?” you whispered, not having the strength to beat around the bush anymore. It would only cause more pain, there was no use when it was just the two of you.

“I could try. I would want... I want nothing more than to be able to try.”

“I know.” you choked out, nuzzling your face in his palm “Gosh, I know so well, Sebastian. And I wish, if only, there was a way, another world even another lifetime where we could-” the lump in your throat stopped you from speaking.

“There is only one world, this one, but we all create worlds of our own based on the choices we make. If we chose to be... like this, together, if we want to then we can fight for it and-” he paused when he noticed the way you were frowning. It wasn't only guilt to have to let down the other man inside now, him having been too good to you already, it was also fear and doubt that it could ever happen “We could run away. Together. Have us a life together, away from all this.”

“Don't.” you choked out,taking a painful step back “Don't do this to me.”

“You know I want you.” he continued anyway “You know I never stopped wanting you. Never stopped loving you. If you just- Please just give me a chance.” and then he asked it, he really did, and you tried to will all of your strength to keep yourself from crumbling down. Or worse, from giving in.

You willed yourself to believe he was not really asking.

“This is not fair, Sebastian, you know this is not.” you forced out.

“Why not? It's not fair for me to watch you marry another man you don't love, either. It's not just for you. You know you don't and won't even try to deny it, for the sake of a business deal made between your fathers. For the sake of-”

“Your safety? Yes I would.” you said more determined “Sebastian, I'd give my life for you, sacrificing my freedom and happiness for your life is the least I can do now. You know what my father would do to you if he found out? Do you have any idea?”

“It doesn't all have to be so grim. It doesn't have to-”

“It has to.” you cut him off firmly yet softly “We both know it. We have to... let go, of the past of what was and what could have been. It was- I will always cherish the memories but please, just please, don't do this to me. If you still somehow, if there is some part of you, that still loves me the you won't keep going. You'll let me do this. It really is not fair otherwise.”

“Why?” he finally asked, lips pursing as his fight against tears was becoming harder with each passing second.

“Because you're the only one that could end it all, right here and now. With just one word, you could have me if you only asked. Really asked. I'd leave it all behind for you and...” you took in a shaky breath when he took a step closer to you “That's the most selfish thing I could do. Please, don't make me act so selfishly. Please.” you nearly begged.

You nearly begged because the look in his eyes told you a different story. Those eyes of a man madly in love with you for the first time didn't calm you down, they scared you. And the fear you felt about his own safety only seemed to increase when you realized there was no concern for himself there.

“Tell me goodbye.” you spoke up, fast before he could say anything you'd regret “Tell me goodbye, leave tonight and- and never come to see me again, Seb. Let me never face you again. Make this easy, please. Even a little bit, I need that from you.”

“You know I'd give you the world if I could. I always wanted to, I still do.” he whispered and yet his words, as much as they could be considered comforting, put a feeling of dread within you “But this time I won't.”

He pulled away, taking several steps back “I'd better leave you alone to enjoy your drink. I'll see you around, (Y/n), I promise this is not the last of it... of us.” and you hated yourself because this meant the torture would keep going for the both of you but you wanted it to with every fiber in your body; you selfishly wanted him to keep fighting in case one day you could win together “Give my congratulations to your fiance too.”

[indiaalphawhiskey]

Hi India!

First I want to say that I absolutely love ‘our lives, non-fiction’ it’s one of my favourite fics!

One of the reasons why I love it so much is because of all the discussions about writing. You did a great job on pointing out two different sides and I always go back to your fic when I need motivation for my own writing:)

Now because of this I got curious about your opinion:)

I just had a discussion with someone the other day. We talked about Fanfiction and while she didn’t judge me for reading it directly she also could understand why other people are judging or don’t like it, especially those people who are in the fanfics or the authors who own the characters of the fics.

Her point ‘She could understand that an author doesn’t want other people to use his characters because they will write them OOC even if it’s unintentional because the original author is the only one who knows everything about them. Or with real people like HL she could understand that they don’t like authors using their body and personality for their fics and fantasies.’

I didn’t have a lot of discussions about this and I’m not informed enough to argument against it, just enjoyed it till now and didn’t thought a lot about it.

But I had to think of your fic and the discussions in it and got curious. What is your opinion about this?

Hi love! 💕

First of all, thank you very much for the compliment! I’m so glad OLNF resonates with you, that the discussions have interested you, and that it somehow contributes to your own creativity. I think that’s more than any writer can ever ask of their work, and it warms my heart to know that I’ve given that to you, even by some small measure. Thank you, thank you, thank you! 😘

Secondly, I’m flattered that you want to hear my opinion, but given that so many others before me have discussed this topic with more eloquence and knowledge than I ever could, I hope you’ll forgive me for sticking to two, simplified arguments (otherwise this would get way too long).

Let’s start with the first part of your friend’s opinion:

“She could understand that an author doesn’t want other people to use his characters because they’ll write them OOC even unintentionally because the original author is the only one who knows everything about them.”

There’s a very well-written response to that, that I could not say better myself, so I’m going to quote the LJ/tumblr post (you should absolutely read the whole thing, btw):

“Dear AotW. Fanfic is not about you. Fanfic is not about you. Fanfic is not about you.

I know you hate to hear it, dear AotW, but the story is not defined by the barriers you place around it. The moment you gave it to us, those walls broke. You may hate the fact people are imagining more to your story than what you put there. But if I were you, I'd be grateful that I got the chance to create a story that has a culture around it, a story that people want to keep talking about, reworking, remixing, living in, fantasizing about, thinking about, writing about. To quote Originalaudience on the post in question, "Nobody is forgetting that you created the characters. The existence of fanfiction really means that nobody is forgetting the characters you created."”

- I’m done explaining why fanfic is okay by Aja Romano

The thing about art is, you, as a creator, can’t put something out into the world and expect people to consume it on your terms and your terms alone. That was never, is not, and will never be the way that art works — nor should it be the intention when you create anything “original”.

You would never, for example, ask someone to stop covering a song because only the original artist truly understands the intention of the song. You would never ask a pianist not to play Beethoven’s Fifth because they are not Beethoven. You would never tell painters to stop painting their renditions of Starry Starry Night, or say the making of Ten Things I Hate About You (Taming of the Shrew AU), She’s the Man (Twelfth Night AU), Clueless (Emma AU) or Greta Gerwig’s Little Women (where Amy March was given so much depth simply because of Florence Pugh’s unique portrayal of the character) were an insult to their original authors.

So, why should fanfic be any different? Because it’s written by amateurs who don’t have big Hollywood budgets to validate their creative efforts? Because there’s a possibility of the material being explicit? Because it’s on the internet?

Or… is it because fanfic is actually written by people who, wildly enough, aren’t seeking mass market validation, and nothing is scarier or more threatening to a world that has always wanted so badly to capitalize art and permanently exclude the unwashed masses from the creation and appreciation of it than people who will, quite literally, do shit (and do it well) for free just because it makes them happy?

After all, isn’t it easier to squash a threat by injecting it with such a level of internalized shame and embarrassment that the people participating in it have to spend more time overcoming that shame/defending themselves, and less time creating/appreciating? How can we challenge the status quo if we, ourselves, are obsessed with maintaining the veil of it? 😉

*

Your friend’s second opinion is trickier to answer, because this is a question of personal beliefs and ethics. The ethical aspect of RPF, particularly, has long been debated, and if you’re looking for a hard ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, I won’t be able to give you that. There will always be very good arguments for both sides, and I also find myself re-examining my own opinion and participation from time to time.

But, if you want my personal opinion on why I am comfortable creating and appreciating RPF, it’s mostly because of two things:

I know (and constantly remind myself) the difference between fact and fiction. I understand that no matter who my character looks/speaks/acts like, my character is a character and not a real person, and whatever I write should never, ever reflect the way I treat a real person or interact with them.

I understand that fanfic, if consumed as intended, does not and should not affect the people they are about. I do not break the fourth wall, and I do what I can and what is in my power to keep my work in a sphere where it can only be consumed by those who actively want to find it. It is bound by fandom. I would never condone its use outside of it, or its use as any kind of justification to stereotype someone or feel entitled to the intimate details of their very real lives. I trust that readers have common sense, and we, as humans, are not so impressionable that fictional work can be used as a tool to negate our common human decency (no matter what book burners want you to believe).

Some people may not believe that these are good enough reasons, and fair enough. I have no intention of convincing anyone of the ethical rightness or wrongness of fic — that’s entirely up to them to decide, and whatever opinion they have of me and my hobby are out of my control. What is in my control is the erection of boundaries and the capacity to enforce personal red lines that help to keep this hobby from affecting anyone’s reality, and I think that’s really the most one person can do.

Hope this was interesting for you, and sorry if my explanations were a mess! 😊

@twopoppies has a great FANFICTION COMMENTARY tag that you should definitely check out if this is a conversation that really interests you!

[undoundue]

i don’t know anything except how stories go

i don’t know anything except how stories go

the music isn't as good as i thought it would be

i'm not sure if i've taken enough drugs or too much

when i take too much, i get grandiose: big ideas. little follow-through.

when i take not enough, i also get grandiose, but i know it,

and i sound like a graveyard glass harmonica when

the wind passes through. when i take the right amount, i do not ask

whether i've taken enough drugs or too much.

instead i hallucinate that i'm a cicada, an elegant disgusting jewel

smithed by mommy nature to reproduce a tinny song,

and i'm grateful to my parents

and the 17 years i spent gestating

and this morbid cherry tree

because nobody buckles their tymbals like i. also, cicadas lack

the relevant receptors altogether,

so the dosing question doesn't apply.

(beat) say,

have you noticed that zoomers are really into columbo?

(you nod)

i've seen him on twitter twice lately, asking "just one more

question—which would you prefer as an afternoon snack?"

and there's a poll, cheez-its

or little debbie snack cakes.

the appeal, i think, is to a generational forgetfulness, to

a generation most in need of alarm clocks and aricept,

to the desire to see forgetfulness as a superpower, as an

equivalent to innocence, to be so impervious to

reality's demands. but haven't we been here

before? didn't milennials all die for the sin of inventing "retro

gaming"? and by the way,

did you hear the one about the guy who gave himself three-hundred

and ninety-one concussions, each time suffering retrograde amnesia

which knocked out his memory of his last pokemon red playthrough?

ah. ah yes. it is not a tale the jedi would tell you.

when i take too much, i get despondent. when i take not enough, i

get grandiose. but the line breaks are for the poet's benefit anyway.

besides, there are kids smoking brick weed in lebanon, we should be

thankful for what we have.

and hex maniac is pretty cute. her pupils spiral

counterclockwise,

going from out to in; in some of the fan art they go the other way but

you can tell those guys don't "get it"; the allure of a counterclockwise

spin on how you are perceived, to have your silhouette distorted

and your details properly misunderstood, to lose at games you've

never heard of it, to eat with chopsticks incorrectly,

to trip and fall and look at the sidewalk and say "thank you.

yes. i had grown complacent in my patterns, my

nucleus accumbens

was running on fumes; and i certainly wasn't expecting that!" and

mean it. i did this once. i was in a state of rare tranquility after

masturbating for sixteen consecutive hours (essentially a

performance enhancing drug for meditation—which is why,

in the tibetan olympics, strict no-fap is required for a week

before competition—and they take semen samples to be sure!)

so (you nod), when the buddha saw me

so grateful for life's misfortunes, he made a "look

at this fucking guy" gesture to ganesh and then said "look at this

fucking guy" as if the gesture wasn't enough. naturally,

i was offended, and besides i recalled the old koan "If you meet the

Buddha on the road, kill him," which i had read in a collection

of koans for children titled "If you meet the Buddha..." which

my Mom had purchased for me in the novelty gift section

of an urban outfitters in santa barbara ("Mom, why are you shopping

at urban outftters?" "son, yr mama just tryin' ta stay cool. say, you

heard of this MF DOOM cat?" "ugh! Mom!") and which had

such thought-provoking aphorisms as:

"If you meet the Buddha in an airport, buy him a cheeseburger."

"If you meet the Buddha at a dive bar, play him some new wave—the

Buddha is big into that shit." the idea being, you're prepared for any

circumstance, which is what buddhism is all about. so i did a

bunch of fast attacks; the buddha blocked; i said "shouldn't

it be all the same to you if i kill you?" the buddha said "it would,

except i want to get home and watch columbo, and i don't

want to wait to respawn." i said, "jesus. just—jesus." then the buddha

kicked me through a brick wall. everyone in the WeWork

screamed and fled, leaving their kombucha behind, and

for some reason the sprinklers went off. then, after the initial

impact, a lone brick fell (because of torque—force times the length of

the lever, remember) and hit me comically on the head, causing a

concussion. i said "guh."

yup, (you nod sympathetically),

i was feeling mighty grim. then it occurred to me: why don't i

play pokémon red? unfortunately, on my cellphone i only had

the romhack version, you know, where all the pokémon are allegories

for depression. so you got your depressionmander, depressioneleon,

depressionizard, and for pokémon where that doesn't work

they use it as a suffix, e.g. bulbadepression, ivydepression,

venudepression. also you can't leave the starting room and

your character moves really slowly. the indie gaming press

loves it. one of the features that reviewers single out is

that, instead of a lone Stand By Me reference, the TV in your room

goes line by line through Aguirre, the Wrath of God, except the

murders are replaced with pokémon battles and at the end

aguirre tries to command a horde of mankeys ("depressionkeys"),

which is a metaphor. dark stuff. it makes me think back on my youth:

lying on my child-king sized bed, masturbating to polyhedral

stellations, suffering from severe geometric dysmorphia as i

compared myself to the grandeur of those idealized forms—god, i

used to hate myself for those wasted hours. i mean, i still do, but i

used to, too. only after years of therapy have i developed a mantra

that eases the pain:

"i am mostly a cylinder.

i am mostly a cylinder." presto. you can get off to anything, even

loomis.

(you nod, hesitantly.) on saturday night,

i throw open the window and scream at the children: "you'll get old

too! an abstractome of brittle opinions even as your bumbling

homunculus drops the data you once used to back them up!"

the children reply "not necessarily, given the rate of advances in

biotech. also, no one cares, grandpa." they play soccer. my

mad pilgrim hair blows in the wind. i scream: "suffer! suffer! i am

omniscience!" they say: "oh yeah? how many fingers am i

holding up?" "four! five! four!" "it was five, you old fart." "the thumb

doesn't count as a finger! you should have a specified!" "OK, new

game: what sort of person am i?" "you are—you are—!" and so

i peer into their souls and know the answer, but i can't

find the words. the words do not come. i have forgotten them.

silently i draw away from the window. the children smirk, but only for

a moment. for they know i am right.

ah, to reveal the soul's heist, to be seen through by the omniscient

and powerless, what a delight! who among us would not cheerfully

kill the buddha when he's comin' through the rye? who among us

has not been blessed by the kind words of a stranger? and yet, we

shouldn't incentivize people to be strangers. society would collapse.

besides, we are no longer strangers to ourselves, you and i.

(you nod.) we will have much to discuss about that.

[noonachronicles]

The End of the F**king World Pt. 7

Word Count: 6.8k

Warnings: This gets sad, at least it made me sad when I was writing it. Also there's fighting.

Genre: Apocalyptic/Alien Invasion AU. Two idiot lovers.

A/N: This one is sort of short (compared to all the others at least) and I apologize for that. BUT the next part should be coming a lot sooner than this one did so hopefully that will make up for it? Anyway let me know what you think. :D

It was a little frustrating to you that the sun wasn’t even rising yet when you woke up the next morning. It was more annoying that you couldn’t get yourself back to sleep. Your whole body seemed to be buzzing with nerves. Leaving a sleeping Baekhyun in bed you took a walk around the hotel, silent with sleep. After a few floors of monotony you climbed the stairs to the roof. It still held all the reminders of the happy night before. Candles melted down to nothing, tulles and lace blowing in the gentle morning breeze, flowers scattered everywhere you looked. For a while you sat on the edge of the roof, headphones on and tape player in your lap. Sipping on water you watched what could possibly be your very last sunrise.

It didn’t make you sad. You didn’t think about it being the last. Instead you enjoyed the beauty of it. You reminded yourself that whatever was going to happen today was going to happen. And with that thought you felt a calm wash over you. After that you felt much more relaxed and were ready to go back to bed to try getting another hour or so in before starting what would inevitably be a very tiring day.

In the bedroom you found Baekhyun with his arm stretched out across the bed where you’d previously been. There was a pout on his lips and a scowl pushed down the edges of his eyebrows like he’d been bothered by your absence.

With a pleased smile on your lips you tucked back into the bed next to him. You moved his arm so that it was draped over your hip, and moved in as close as you could. For a while you just watched him as he slept. Lying nose to nose, taking the time to memorize every eyelash, every angle, every inch of him that you possibly could. You felt yourself falling more in love with him with every breath you watched him take, every time you remembered he was yours.

After some time his lip curled into a grin and his loose arm tightened around you. “Good morning, wife.”

“Good morning, husband.”

“Where’d you go?” He murmured, eyes still closed.

“Just a walk.” You whispered against his lips before leaving a tiny kiss.

“Without me?”

You smiled. “It was a terrible idea. That’s why I came back to you.”

“Good. I’m glad you learned your lesson.” lifting his lips he kissed your forehead. You hummed in agreement and tucked yourself in against his chest. Sleep quickly returned to both of you.

Only about two hours passed before both of you were woken up for real by a knock on the door. Everyone gathered together on the roof to share a quiet, solemn breakfast. Almost nobody spoke, just a few people who were discreetly going over the maps and plans together one more time. Then it was time to get ready. You dressed and were ready incredibly quickly. All the way down to the boots, by the time Baekhyun had joined you back in the room after stopping to talk to Chanyeol for a couple minutes. You stretched out across the mattress as you watched him take his turn getting ready. His little instant camera was on the bedside table beside you and you grabbed it, flipping it over and over in your hands while you waited.

As you looked down at the camera, the glisten of the diamond resting against your chest caught your eye. It was so trivial. With very few exceptions no one even knew. It might as well have never happened at all. Despite that, looking over at Baekhyun and thinking about him being your husband sent happiness washing over you in waves. This man who was so kind and so caring and who you loved, he loved you back. He wanted you, even despite the fight you’d given him. He’d never given up. Looking at him you knew you would do everything in your power to protect him, he deserved that much from you.

After a while he must have felt your eyes on him. Looking down at his hands as he fastened his belt, a smile grew on his face, “You’re staring again. Why are you staring?”

“It’s nothing.” you said nonchalantly. You pointed his camera at him and snapped a picture as he lifted his face to look at you.

“Mhmm, of course” he hummed with a hint of sarcasm. “Go on, confess.”

“Fine.” You let out a sigh, tucking the developing picture of him into your jacket pocket with the others you had. “I was just thinking...do you know what’s sexy?”

“You.” He grinned, “Always you.”

You rolled your eyes. “No. Not me.”

He doubled down on his answer. “I’m correct because you’re sexy all the time.”

“You’re wrong. I’m not sexy all the time and that’s not what I was going to say.”

“Beg to differ.” He shrugged, “but what's your thing?”

“I just think,” you said quietly, before rolling your teeth over your lip,“It’s sexy how you’re my husband.”

A single one of his eyebrows raised, “Oh?”

“Yep.”

“And here I thought you hated being Mrs. Byun Baekhyun.” he smiled and climbed up onto the bed next to you, “Say it again.”

“You’re my husband.” You whispered, pressing a kiss against his lips.

He gave a little moan and nodded, “Again.”

Leaning in, your lips brushing lightly against his ear, “My. Husband.”

“I really like that.”

“Me too.” You groaned as you stretched your tense arms over your head. Baekhyun took it as an invitation to roll into you. His head resting on your chest as he wrapped his arms tightly around you.

“You have to hold me back.” He demanded. You dropped your arms around his shoulders and then lifted one of your hands to massage his head. His soft hair moving through your fingers.

After a quiet minute you said, “It was me, wasn’t it?”

“What was you?”

“The person you were hung up on in the before times. It was me. Right?”

“Still thinking about that, huh?” With a quiet laugh he looked up at you, “How is someone as smart as you so impossibly clueless at the same time?”

“I don’t know.” You shrugged, “Special talent.”

“Yes, it was you.” he answered, getting comfortable once more, “It’s always been you. It will always be you.”

“How come you never told me?”

He scoffed, “I’ve told you I love you everyday for three years.”

“Before. Why didn’t you ever tell me before all this?” You asked.

“Are you forgetting you had a boyfriend?”

“No, but if you liked me so much….you could have said something.”

“What would you have done?” He asked with a chortle of disbelief, “If I had told you back then that I wanted you to be with me instead of him, what would you have done? Did you even like me then?”

“Of course I liked you.”

“Are you suggesting you liked me enough that you would have left him?”

You didn’t say anything, just dug your teeth into your bottom lip. You’d been thinking about it on the roof, watching the sunrise. You found yourself almost grateful for the invasion for giving you even just a minute of knowing him like this. Because when you thought about the before times, you realized how differently everything could have been if the invasion never happened.

The more you thought about before the more you remembered. Each memory filled with feelings you’d long forgotten. It left you wondering if you were always meant to find your way together. It made you wonder if you would have ever had the courage to try or if you would have just settled for something less.

Maybe you weren’t exactly in love with him back then but despite how you may have acted you did care about him. No matter what you may have tried to make even yourself believe he’d always been an important part of your life. Baekhyun was a person whose presence gave you a sense of comfort and stability. You could admit to yourself now that by the time of the invasion you’d already been dependent on him being there for you. You got more of a thrill seeing Baekhyun at work than you did about seeing your own boyfriend when you got home. It was hard not to think that had to have meant something.

Your silence seemed to have spoken to him in volumes and Baekhyun pushed himself up on the mattress to really look at you. You could see the almost panicked way he was breathing, he looked shaken. “You did?”

“I can’t exactly go back and say for sure what I would have done, Baek.” You shrugged.

“But you hesitated so you at least think you did.”

“I might have.”

“So you’re saying I could-“ he ran his hands through his hair and let out an uncharacteristic growl of frustration. “I could have…”

Sitting up you reached your hand out and waited for him to grab it back. “I’m sorry. Please don’t be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad at you...” finally he softened. He wrapped his hand around yours and sat back down beside you, “I just- I didn’t know. I wish I’d known. It’s not fair. I want more time with you. We should have had more time.”

“It’s not over yet.” You said quietly. “We still have time. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. You can’t give up, you’re supposed to take me away. We have plans. Remember?”

After a deep sigh he leaned his head against your shoulder. “I knew it was gonna be hard, you know. When it happened. The invasion. I knew it was gonna be hard to make you come around, to see it. To see us. At first I wanted to give you space because of Siwon, I knew you were hurting. Then I saw it happening. You built this impossible wall and every time someone else died it got harder to get through. Then you pushed me away. So I knew it was gonna be hard and it was gonna take me a long time. But I- I don’t know, I thought I had forever. I didn’t realize this thing with Baddie would happen. If I’d have known I had a window before the invasion… and we could have been together this whole time.”

“Oh no.” You put your hand on his cheek and frowned, “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Look what I’ve done to you. I turned you into me. Don’t be me… don’t think about all the things that could have happened if we’d done things differently. Let’s just make the most of the time we have right now.”

“We just…” he looked so frustrated as he lifted his head from your shoulder. His eyes met yours and the look in them could have made you cry on the spot.  “We deserve more time.”

“We’ll have more time, Baek.” You tried to assure him and yourself at the same time. “Today’s gonna work and then we’ll have all the time we could ever want. Right? Say I’m right. Please? I need you to believe it, so that I can too. And I really need to believe it.”

“You’re right. I believe it.” He gave you a small smile. “Everything’s going to be fine. I have too many plans for us to not believe it’s going to work.”

-

Walking out of the hotel without your tape player felt...strange. You hadn’t gone anywhere without it since you found it. You always had it with you in case of a moment of quiet. You didn’t really like quiet. You especially didn’t like the thinking that usually came along with it. You liked to keep your mind preoccupied. Though you were pretty certain you weren’t going to have a lot of quiet moments where you were headed. And you also didn’t have the space to carry it.

All of the weapons in the arsenal had been packed up and it was up to everyone to get them to the chosen battle ground. You were carrying a backpack filled with different blades and two large duffle bags with guns. Many others carried similar bags and others had to double up on large crates. Carried among the whole group were enough weapons and supplies to win a war and that’s exactly what you needed.

It wasn't a long walk, maybe three or four blocks to the large open intersection. Though the group was taking their time getting there. Everyone knew that once arriving there only took you all one step closer to the end. Only time could tell whether or not the end meant something good or something bad. Looking around the group you came to the honest realization that not everyone here was going to make it back to Rendezvous after this fight. Still you struggled with the idea of being okay with losing even a single person. A few yards ahead of you you could see Seulgi and Chanyeol walking, hands clasped tight between them, as they spoke quietly together. Irene was laughing with Solar as they walked together. It was hard to stop the voice in the back of your head from asking who wouldn’t survive. Wondering if it might be you.

“Hey,” Baekhyun said, grabbing your attention, he nodded his head and you followed him a little ways away from the group. “I just wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Okay,” you said, looking at him curiously, and adjusted the bag strap on your shoulder. “what’s up?”

“I have this idea and I wanted it to be a secret but I don’t think there’s any possible way I could pull it off without you knowing so I thought I’d just tell you and if you like it we can do it together.” He shrugged as the two of you slowed to a stop.

“What’s the idea?” you asked, albeit suspicious.

“Now that we’re together I figured it might be nice if we had a place to ourselves, like leave Cordially.”

You couldn’t help but smile at the thought. “Oh, yeah! That’d be great.”

“It’s a little more than that.” He grinned at your immediate enthusiasm. “Um, so you know the record store.”

“Yeah, I think I recall the place.” you laughed.

“Well...what if we renovate it?” He asked cautiously, “There's that big space upstairs. We could turn it into sort of a loft style living space. I could build us a little kitchenette and it’s already got that bathroom…we could keep the bottom just like it is now. I mean we’d fix the windows and clean it up so it’s a little nicer. Anyway that was my idea, you can see why it would be hard to keep it a secret from you since you’re there every day. What do you think?”

Your mouth fell open slightly but nothing came out. You were speechless. Overwhelmed by how thoughtful and amazing he was that you didn’t even know how to respond.

“You hate it...If you hate it that’s fine we can find somewhere else. Technically we don’t even have to stay in the city. You know I’d go anywhere with you. I know that it’s your place and if you don’t want to share it with me, I totally get it. I promise I won’t be offended.”

“Shh.” You said placing a finger over his chattery lips. Wrapping your arms around his shoulders you pulled him in and pressed a kiss to his mouth.

When you leaned back there was a light blush on his cheeks. “Do- Do you like it?”

“I love it, Baek.” You smiled, “Of course I want to share it with you. I want to share everything with you.”

“You do?” He asked, looking overjoyed.

“Yes.” You nodded, “What about you though? That’s pretty far from your darkroom. You don’t want to stay somewhere in the middle?”

He shrugged, “There are plenty of places around there I could move my darkroom stuff to, I don’t have any connection to the building it’s in, not like you do.”

“How the hell did I get so lucky?” You asked, leaning over and kissing his cheek.

“Maybe you were a saint in a past life?”

Both of you had a good laugh at that. He grabbed your free hand in his and the two of you quickly caught up with the others. You kept your eyes on him as much as you could. Watching the way he joked around with Hanbin, who was walking just ahead of you. The longer you spent looking at him the more worry began to blanket you. It started to weigh heavy on your chest and shoulders but you tried to keep a positive smile. For him, always for him.

“Stay close, okay?” You asked and he looked over at you, “When it starts I want you to stay close and be careful. Don’t do anything reckless. Just...stay with me. If something goes wrong and we have to leave we have to be close so we can go together.”

“You are an anxious little thing aren’t you?” He squeezed your hand. “Don’t worry. It’s going to be fine. I’ll be right by your side the whole time. I won’t do anything stupid.”

You frowned, “I didn’t say stupid. I said ‘reckless’.”

“We both know what you meant.” He chuckled lightly. “Come on. Let’s just get this started so we can get it over with.”

You continued to walk beside him, keeping his hand firmly in yours. “You didn’t actually promise.”

“I promise!” He groaned, “Nothing's going to drag me away from you.”

“Thank you, was that so hard?”

“God, is this what our whole marriage is going to be like?” He muttered under his breath, a little grin curved his lip.

“Yes!” it was your turn to laugh, “I hope it was worth fighting so hard for.”

Without any warning he tugged your hand, turning you around and into his chest.

“Yes, yes you are worth fighting for. You’re worth every anxious, demanding, overprotective, clingy second.” Then he kissed you and you knew he meant every word.

-

The idea was pretty simple. Baddie would be lured into the middle of the intersection and then you’d attack. It would be in waves to avoid anyone getting hurt unnecessarily. Everyone had a set of weapons that had been organized by long range and short range. The first attack would be long range, the biggest weapon you had, it was a rocket launcher left over from the military troops that had come through the city. All of you had hoped that it alone would be enough and the day would be won with a single attack. If it wasn’t then it was planned that you would alternate between long and short range attacks. You didn’t want someone who was attacking him with a knife to get hit with an arrow. There were little medical hubs set up on each corner in case anyone needed immediate attention, though you hoped you wouldn’t need them.

When you arrived everyone in the group grew quiet. No one was sure what to say as you all began to split up and head to your places. Some people were headed to the tops of roofs, others were spreading out on the corners. It felt like you should say goodbye or let everyone know what they meant to you, but at the same time it seemed better to remain optimistic about it. Better to go on your way without a word because of course everything would be fine and you wouldn’t regret it later on if you didn’t say goodbye right then. So no one said goodbye. Though a few had offered out ‘good luck’.

You’d finished setting up all of your weapons and were leaning against a barricade, waiting quietly for word from Sehun on the walkie. It had been almost ten minutes since the last update. Taeyong had found Baddie. You knew it was starting soon and there was still one thing weighing pretty heavily on your mind.

“Baekhyun.” You said quietly. “I have just one more request. It’s a pretty serious request.”

He looked up at you with concern from where he was kneeling down, searching his bag, and then stood up fully, “What's wrong?”

“You’re going to want to say something positive and uplifting after I say this but that’s not what I need from you right now, okay?”

He nodded, “Okay.”

“I need you to tell me that you’ll wait for me.”

“Of course I’ll wait for you! Where are we going? Why am I waiting for you? Wait, are we doing something? You said we were staying together.”

“If you die before me.” you whispered past a trembling lip, struggling to even consider the possibility. “Tell me you’ll wait for me if you die, because I promise I’ll be right behind you.”

“Don’t.” He frowned at the realization of how serious you were. “Don’t say that. Even if I’m gone, if you have a chance you should take it. You deserve-”

“I won’t.” You shook your head, swiping at a few tears that had escaped. You already knew. “Look at what’s left. There’s nothing here for me without you. Tell me you understand. I don’t know what comes after this life, I just need you to say if you get the chance you’ll wait.”

“I will.” He understood completely. “Are you gonna wait for me?”

“As long as it takes.” You gave him a small smile.

“It won’t take that long.” He ran his fingers through your hair, “I’d be right behind you too.”

“Thank you.” You whispered as he kissed the stray tears off your cheeks.

“We’re still supposed to try and win though, right?” He asked, “I just want to clarify.”

“Yes,” the look on his face made your mood lighten significantly, “Plan A is still to kill the asshole. I just wanted to confirm you won’t...you know. Take off without me or however it works.”

“Hey…” he pulled you in for a hug, and kissed your temple. “Why are you always so worried that I’m gonna leave you? I just got you.”

“I’m not worried you’ll leave me.” You murmured into his chest, “I’m worried that I’ll lose you. I feel like if we can stay together then we’ll be okay, you know? We can take care of each other.”

“Always.” He agreed. “We’ll always take care of each other.”

“Taeyong is coming, fast.” You could hear Sehun’s voice crackle over the walkie talkie at your hip. “It’s time.”

You looked towards Main street. Taeyong was the fastest runner in the whole community and had offered himself up to be...bait. His job, while the rest of you lugged the weapons to the location, was to find Baddie. Then he had to lure Baddie from wherever he was to Main street, going south, to the intersection where all of you were waiting at your posts. After what felt like an hour but was likely only a minute you saw him sprint into the opening. He was bleeding. There was a gash across his hairline. You imagined there had probably been a brawl before Taeyong was able to get the chase started.

Your heart was pounding in your chest as you knelt down behind the barricade, head still peeking out to see the action. Baddie walked calmly down the center of the road towards Taeyong who had stopped. He was leaning over and panting, waiting for the right moment. As Baddie got closer to the middle of the intersection Taeyong bolted once more, to the side and behind a car where Seungcheol was waiting with water and to make sure he was okay. Baddie stood in the middle of the street as he easily realized what was happening.

“Oh well,” his voice echoed through the seemingly empty streets, “this was clever.”

He didn’t get another word out before you could hear the whistle of the rpg coming down the opposite side of main street where Baekho had been positioned. Baekhyun pulled you back down behind the barricade where you were supposed to have been. You knew as soon as it hit because the ground beneath you shook like an earthquake. Baekhyun had tucked you beneath him protectively but you could still see through a gap as the sky above the two of you clouded with smoke and dust. You could hear as debri was showering down heavily on the sidewalks and cars with deep thuds.

“The hit was good, waiting for movement.” Sehun’s voice came over the walkie and you waited, heart still pounding. “Alpha team hold for instruction.”

Baekhyun leaned back and with a gulp you jumped up to kiss him. Needing just one more.

“I love you.” you said before pulling your bandana over your mouth to help stop the dust.

He just smiled as he helped you pull the goggles you’d grabbed from the surplus store at the mall. “You’re so cute, my little warrior.”

“Shut up.” you mumbled, as he pulled his own protection over his face and you grabbed a knife and a hatchet for your first round.

“We have movement, dead center, he’s still alive.” You could hear the ounce of concern in his voice but Sehun was quickly back to battle mode, “Alpha team go. Go!”

It took you just a beat before you took a deep breath and bolted out from behind the barricade, weapons gripped tightly in your hands. The immediate aftermath was a mess. You moved quickly through the thick dust as best you could. The street was hardly recognizable, the road had been completely demolished by the blast. It was hard not to stumble over all the debri and you weren’t even sure you knew where you were going.

Then as if offering you a gift you could see Baddie use a blast of light. You could hear a distant screaming but tried not to let it bother you. You knew where he was for the moment and needed to take advantage of it. You sprinted towards where the light had come from and nearly slammed right into Baddie, but he’d apparently seen you coming and grabbed you by the throat.

It was easy to see him as he’d pulled you face to face with him. His eyes were dark but being so close you could see the silver, metallic glimmer. In a way they matched the Lurkers eyes. You had to physically shake your head clear of the trance they seemed to be putting you under.

“I’d hoped you’d be here.” you could see the grin under the thin veil that covered his mouth.

“Good.” you choked out before swinging your arm around landing the blade of your hatchet deep in his shoulder.

He let out a pained growl and dropped his grip on you enough so that you could step back. Then you dug your knife hard into his thigh. As the dust was clearing you could see Yeri running up behind him with her weapons and then you bolted as fast as you could in what you assumed was back the way you came from.

That was how it went, round after round. At some points he’d definitely seemed weakened but then you’d come back for the next and he’d be fine again. It was frustrating and exhausting and you weren’t sure how much longer you could do it for. You hated that you didn’t know how many people were still in this fight and who had gotten hurt. It was organized as best you could have made it but it was also chaos. And it wasn’t as if Baddie was playing by any of the same rules the rest of you were.

After what felt like your tenth round at the very least, you slumped down behind the barricade beside Baekhyun and sighed. He was busy preparing for his own attack but when you looked up you could see Seulgi a few yards away, she was headed to you, waving to get your attention. And as if you hadn’t just been completely deflated a few seconds before you jumped to your feet and made your way over to her. As you got closer you realized she was holding a bloody bandana against her arm.

“Can you help me?” Seulgi asked. You quickly agreed and both of you ducked behind a nearby car.

“What happened? Is it bad?”

She shook her head, “It’s nothing really, just a cut from some flying debri. I’m more likely to die from tetanus than bleeding out but I just want it wrapped up. I can’t get it tight enough on my own and Yeol is a little busy.”

“Of course.” You helped her pull off her jacket and took a look at the cut.

Personally you thought it was worse than she was making it out to be, but she was lucky she’d had on the thick jacket or it could have been much worse. It was a deep gash but it seemed like it hadn’t hit anything major. It was, however, already pretty filthy. She handed you the travel sized bottle of saline solution she’d mixed together from her bag.

“Might hurt.” You said opening the bottle.

“I know but I need to have it cleaned.”

With a sigh you started to flush out the gash and tried to gently pull what you could from the wound. “How’s Yeol?”

Seulgi winced from the sting but didn’t complain about it. Grateful for the distraction she said, “He’s doing okay. Doing everything he can, you know.”

“Irene?”

“Last I saw she was across the street with Taemin.” She shrugged, “I don’t know...I mean they looked like they were okay, but everything’s so messed up it’s hard to tell.”

When it was finally cleaned you grabbed the cloth bandage she’d taken out for you. “Okay, I’m gonna pull it really tight so it might pinch a little.”

“Good.” She nodded and gave you a half smile, “You really know what you’re doing. Must have had a brilliant teacher.”

“The best.” You grinned and tightened the bandage around her arm. After you secured the ends you let your hands drop into your lap. “Can I tell you something?”

“Anything.”

You looked down at your trembling hands, almost ashamed of yourself, “I’m really scared, Seul.”

“I know.” She said quietly, grabbing your hands in hers, “Me too.”

“Was this a mistake?” You sniffed, trying to keep too many tears from falling down your face but not doing a great job at it. “I told everyone I thought it was a good idea and now they’re here dying. Is this my fault?”

“No! No! Oh my god, not at all!” She squeezed your fingers. “We all chose this, win or lose. Everyone who’s here had a chance to be anywhere else and they didn’t take it. This is not your fault. This isn’t anyone’s fault.”

“Okay.” You nodded, “Okay.”

“We’re gonna be fine, babe.” She smiled so convincingly you almost believed it and then pulled you in for a quick hug, “I have to get back to Yeol. Take care of Baek.”

“Seulgi.” You said before she got too far. “I just wanted to say thank you...you know...for…for always...for being my-“

Your words caught in your chest and you couldn’t get them out but you didn’t need to. With a pained smile she stepped back over to you, her arms wrapping around your shoulders tightly.

“I know.” her voice trembled , “You don’t have to say it. I know. I love you too.”

You gave her one last quick squeeze and let her go, “And you’ll tell Yeol that I said...”

“Of course!” She smiled once more and wiped her face clean. She turned to leave again and then stopped, “Hey, I’ll see you when this is all over.”

“Yeah,” you nodded, wiping your cheeks off too, “We’ll go get coffee and laugh about how crazy this whole thing has been.”

“That sounds perfect.” She smiled, “I can’t wait.”

“Me neither.”

“Hey, but no boys! Just us.”

“Just us.” You agreed, “We can invite Irene though.”

“Obviously.” She nodded. The two of you shared one last smile before she turned away for real and headed back down the sidewalk.

You watched her walk away until she’d practically disappeared into the dust and smoke filled air before going back to Baekhyun. Trying not to think too much about how tired you were physically, mentally, and emotionally you continued on. Round after round after round you kept going.

After the last run you took you realized that all you had left were the blades on your thigh. The ones that Chanyeol had given you for your birthday. Your birthday that felt like it had happened ages ago. You vaguely recalled wishing that you could always be that happy and decided that you would never make another wish again. Not with how that one had completely backfired on you. Feeling disgusting and defeated, coated in sweat and dirt you ducked behind the cement barricade next to Baekhyun. Your whole body shook with fear as you realized the worst.

Almost to yourself you muttered, “This isn’t working. This isn’t gonna work.”

“I know.” Baekhyun kept his eyes on Baddie, looking for a single weakness, just one thing. Anything.

“We’re gonna die, aren’t we?” You asked as your eyes filled to the brim with tears. “What if we leave? You and me...we could run. Just go and we won’t stop until we’re as far away as we can get.”

With a gulp you looked at Baekhyun and wondered if he even heard you. He was so focused on Baddie. Then as if something obvious occurred to him, his eyes widened and a smile crossed his lips. When he turned to look at you his face was calm and his smile was soft.

“Baekhyun?”

He looked at you with such awe. As if your dirt, and sweat, and blood splattered face was the most ethereal vision he’d ever seen. “I love you, Y/n..”

“I love you too.” You returned, an overwhelming feeling of confusion and unease moving through you.

Lifting his hands, he cupped your face in his palms. “I have loved you forever. You are the love of my life.”

“No.” your chest tightened and you shook your head.  “Whatever you’re thinking of doing, Baek, no.”

“You’re so beautiful.” He said and leaned forward to kiss your trembling lips. “My perfect wife.”

“Please.” You begged, tears threatening the backs of your eyes for the millionth time that day. “Don’t say goodbye to me.”

Baekhyun cried. You couldn’t remember ever having seen him cry. He kept smiling even though tears rolled down his face. “The last two days...have been the best two days of my entire existence. I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve given me.”

“We can have more. Stay with me. We’ll have so many more days just like that.” You promised almost desperately. Your vision was blurring as you started to cry, and you tried to hold onto him but your hands were shaking too hard. “You promised. You said you’d stay with me. Nothing stupid.”

Leaning forward he kissed your forehead and let out a deep calming breath. In that moment you knew, no matter what you said, he was going to do what he wanted to do. You knew because if you had a plan, if you had thought of anything that could just end this whole thing right here and now, no one would be able to stop you either.

He wiped your cheek with his thumb and smiled. “Yeah, but you know me.”

“Yeah,” you stifled a sob, “you’re a fucking idiot.”

“Exactly, it was bound to happen.” He laughed, he dropped his hand and gripped your thigh, “Just stay here. I’ll be right back. Everything’s going to be okay.”

“Are you at least going to tell me what your plan is?” You asked as you calmed your breathing. “What are you gonna do?”

”What am I gonna do?” He asked, then smiled bigger than ever, “I’m gonna love you for the rest of my life. That’s my plan.”

With a frustrated groan you wrapped your arms around him. Your lips, still trembling, pressed against his. The kiss was salty and it was hard to let him go, but it was clear to you that he believed whatever he was about to do was something he had to do and you couldn’t be the one to hold him back.

“I hate you so much.” You mumbled against his lips, forehead pressed hard against his, “So much. So goddamn much. It hurts.”

“I know.” He said with one last soft kiss before pulling you in for the tightest hug you’d ever been given. “God, do I know…I love you too. I’m gonna save the world for you, that’s how much I love you.”

“Baek…I don’t need the world. I just need you.” you said before he pulled away from you completely, “Come back to me. Promise you’ll come back.”

“I promise. That’s one I’ll keep.” He grinned. “I’ll always come back.”

"I'll wait for you."

Neither of you said a true goodbye as he moved away from you. Sinking down, you pushed your back against the barricade as he left. You watched him as far as you could, he kept low and hidden. Not knowing where he was going or what he was doing left you numb. You weren’t sure what to do anymore. You weren’t sure there was anything left to do. You sat and you cried and you waited for a sign. You felt so lost, so desperate for direction.

The air around you was filled with noise. Screaming, fighting, buildings collapsing, but you couldn’t hear any of it. It was like your brain had stopped processing what was happening. It wasn’t like it mattered anymore, not with how inexplicably alone you felt. Pushing yourself up to your knees you figured you could at least try and find out where Baekhyun had gone.

As you looked out at the scene before you it was hard to make sense of anything. The air was so filled with smoke from the smoke bombs that had been used earlier for cover and the fires that had started from Baddies explosions of light and plumes of dust and dirt. You tugged your bandana over your mouth and nose as you tried to decipher which silhouette was who.

Standing up you tried to get a better view. When you did the air seemed to clear slightly. A bright white glow started to grow. You watched in horror as Baddie did what he’d done in every video you’d ever seen of him, from every city he’d been to. Every single time a rebellion rose up against him. He lifted his arms to the sky, his fingers spread out on both of his hands. His hands became orbs of energy and light. Everyone knew what was going to happen next. He would slam his hands together. A massive explosion, a shockwave of light energy was going to wipe out everything and everyone in its path.

It was over. Your heart sank. You failed. You turned in surprise to find Seulgi was tugging on your arm. She was screaming for you to run. Chanyeol stood just a few feet behind her screaming at both of you. You nodded at her and assured her you would follow her. She took off, hot on Chanyeol’s heels but you didn’t follow. You couldn’t leave without Baekhyun. This was why he should have been by your side. He didn’t tell you his plan, and you had no idea where he’d gone but it was time to run now and he was nowhere to be found.

“Baekhyun!” you shouted through the building sound of electricity and vibrations. You slammed your hands against your ears as a piercing noise shot through the air like it had the day of the invasion.

Across the street you could see Kai and Taemin sprinting down an alleyway. Irene was to your right, sprinting down the street in the opposite direction of Baddie. Something caught your eye and you turned back to him. Your eyes flew open and your stomach fell onto the ground at your feet.

You found Baekhyun. Instead of running in the opposite direction like he should have been, you watched breathlessly, helplessly, as he ran directly towards Baddies turned back. Legs frozen in place you couldn’t even move as you watched him sprint towards a chunk of debris and push off of it. His body propelled into the air like he was flying but he was coming down on Baddie fast.

“No!” you screamed, just before the blinding white light of the energy wave forced your eyes closed and threw your body backwards into the air.

Then everything went black.

[bookstantrash]

A/N: Special shoutout for @perseusannabeth @thewayshedreamed and @arin1030 for blessing my year with their amazing one shots/multi chapter updates even though 2021 has barely began. Your beautiful writing made me take a break from frying my brain with studying.

So here it’s, Part Six. Enjoy!

In which she makes a friend, Part Six

“Arms up. Feet apart” Nesta followed his instruction, getting in position “I want you to focus all your power in your fists. Redirect the flow to them.”

It was not Cassian’s voice who Nesta heard. No, it was the voice of the Lord of Bloodshed. Of the Commander of the Illyrian Armies.

They had been trying for an hour, maybe two. Today was the second time in the week since they’d first started training together that Cassian was trying to teach Nesta how to maintain a constant flow of her powers. To not let her spend herself with one killing blow like she had done with Hybern.

It was hard. It was impossible.

Nesta had no ideia of what she was doing. She couldn’t tame the beast inside her to behave and do what she wanted to. She felt stupid while silently willing her fists to gather that blinding light she had fired at Hybern or even the silver flames that appeared when she lost control.

Nothing had happened in two days.

Not to mention she also had to think about her fighting stance, balance, Cassian counting out loud while she punched, all the while keeping her grip on her power.

And she had not been able to confront Cassian about the troubles at camp that he was keeping from her. That only made her more annoyed and restless.

“Focus Nesta” Nesta snapped back to attention at his words “Your figure is excellent but your mind is far away. If you get distracted on the battlefield you can get hurt. Or worse, killed”

“I am paying attention. If you could only be more precise about what exactly I’m supposed to be doing—”

Cassian laughed, which only served to ignite that fire that seemed to roar whenever they were in the same room.

“My powers are totally different from yours sweetheart. You have an enormous amount of it too, from the little I’ve seen” his hazel eyes scanned her, as if he could see beneath her skin and pinpoint where her power resided inside of her “But you lack control”

“Aren’t you supposed to be some legendary warrior? With seven siphons and all that” she spat back, wanting to jab him at his poor job at teaching her, but she only earned a feline smile back.

“Have you been paying attention to me Nes? I’m flattered” he placed a hand on his chest, feigning surprise.

Nesta gritted her teeth. Most of the time, she didn’t know whether to throttle him or kiss him. Sometimes both.

“Whatever you’re doing right now sweetheart, keep it up” Cassian said, amazement lacing his words.

Nesta raised her fists, which had fallen beside her body during her spat with Cassian, and she realised that she had done it. The silver flames that sometimes appeared were dancing along her hands, turning the air around them hot, although they did not burn her.

Nesta allowed herself to feel proud. She had done it. She could feel her power flowing all through her body down to her hands.

Raising her fists, Nesta got into position like Cassian had taught her.

And she punched him.

Cassian allowed her flaming fist to get dangerously close to his face before he dodged it, sidestepping. She aimed again. And again. Until they were dancing a dangerous dance, Cassian blocking and avoiding her fists, while Nesta concentrated in keeping the flames alive and remembering the correct steps.

She thought she had finally caught him, feigning a punch towards his face while actually aiming at his gut — a move Cassian had recently showed her — when he took her arm in an arm lock, pulling her body flush towards his.

“That was good” he breathless said, so close Nesta could see the green in his eyes “But you still are too slow in the transition. And you look at where you want to hit me. That’s what gave you away”

Nesta opened her mouth the retort, but no sound came out. She got conscious of how close they were. Of how Cassian didn’t seem bothered by her flaming fists.

She didn’t know whether she was feeling hot due to the exercise, the flames or the proximity with him.

“You are always surprising me, you know that?” Cassian murmured, his breath sending chills down her spine.

She was burning. She couldn’t breath or think, her thoughts running fast and incoherently around her head. She could only look at him.

She wanted to pull him closer.

She wanted to push him away.

She wanted to kiss him.

She wanted to scream at him for making her feel this way.

Nesta wanted and wanted and felt everything too deeply. His body against hers. His breath, mingling with hers. His grip on her army getting loose. His deep hazel eyes like molten chocolate, his pupils dilating and his gaze flicking from her eyes to her mouth and—

A bird’s cry shook Nesta out of her trance, and she quickly put some distance between her and Cassian, her flames flicking out.

Dangerous. It was dangerous to allow herself to get close to him. To let him slip between the bars in which she caged her heart.

“I think that’s enough for today” Cassian said, nervously clearing his throat “You— Are you going to train with me and Kaelin today?”

Nesta trained with Cassian everyday in the mornings, Kaelin joining then in the afternoons after her own training was done. Cassian had proposed to Nesta that she practice in the afternoon only three times a week for now. He said it was best not to demand so much of her body in the beginning.

But he always asked her if she would join then or not. Even if it was the day all three of them were supposed to train together.

“I’m fine” Nesta managed to say, grateful that her voice did not give away how she was feeling “I’ll be here”

Cassian only nodded, his eyes looking everywhere but at her. If Nesta didn’t know any better, she’d think he was just as shaken as her.

“Azriel...Azriel is coming to Windhaven tomorrow” Cassian blurted out, before Nesta could excuse herself.

Nesta only raised an eyebrow in question, as if to say ‘go on, I’m listening’

“He’s going to stay here four days, maybe a week. We have some... some matters to discuss”

“Matters about the Illyrians rebelling?” she asked, taking him by surprise.

“How—”

“Just because you tell me nothing it does not means nobody else does” she snapped.

“It has nothing to do with you” he snarled and Nesta raised her chin in defiance.

“I think it does if I live here now”

“I didn’t want you here”

Nesta felt as if she had been punched in the gut. She felt that spark that had been slowly coming back to life vanish, turning into cinders.

As if it never was there.

“Wait, I— I didn’t mean it like that” Cassian desperately said, seeing the change in her mood.

“Of course you did” she snorted “I’m no more of a burden to you than I was to my sister. I understand”

“No, Nesta it’s not that” he ran his hand through his hair, freeing it from the bun that held it “Please believe me”

Nesta only remained quiet, eyeing him. Trying to decide if he spoke the truth or was pitying her.

“You have suffered enough. You have given enough. You don’t need the weight of another war on your shoulders. I—” he took a sharp breath “I cannot bear to see you go through it all again. I thought it was best for you to not know about it”

“It was not your decision to make!” she spat at him “You should have thought about that before banishing me here!”

“I told Feyre this was a stupid ideia! But she was desperate!! She blames herself for all the dangers you and Elain went through and she had no ideia what to do!!”

They were both screaming now, each one louder then the other.

“Sending you to the human side was off limits given the human queens! The other courts are civil at best with the Night Court! And I doubt you would want to be sent to another court were you knew no one and they were all wary of you” he laughed in disbelief “At least here I could— you would know someone”

“It was not her decision to make” Nesta said, her powers raging inside of her, all control from a few moments ago gone.

“I know that. I can—” he shook his head, trying to find the right words “I can try to call in a few favours. Maybe Helion...the Day Court is beautiful and his library even more spectacular. Or Dawn. They’re neutral ground and you seemed to like the last time we were there. For sure not Winter. I think you’ve had enough of this dreadful weather”

Cassian started to mumble to himself, trying to come up with a solution.

“Would not your High Lady need to approve it?” poison filled Nesta’s word, angry of how she had been banished by her youngest sister before “Don’t you report back to her about me?”

“She only asks how you are doing. If you’re eating. If you came out of your room. And I don’t say nothing else besides it. Feyre worries. She feels guilty of what she did” his eyes meet hers “She would not have to know. You could go, and I would only say that you were well when she asked. You don’t need to stay here Nesta. I won’t be your jailer. I have already failed you enough”

And Nesta knew — be it due to the raw emotion in Cassian’s voice, the way he looked so distraught, his hazel eyes pleading at her — she knew he was telling the truth. That he would get her out of Illyria. Would let her have her way.

She was tempted to say yes.

To say yes and run far far away from the eyes that seemed to judge and burn and condemn her, all the way from Velaris.

But then she thought of Kaelin. She thought of all the healers, the females and children at camp.

If a civil war was to break out, who would defend them? Who would make sure they’d not be in the middle of the cross fire? Who would make sure Kaelin was not found out?

And Nesta made her decision.

“I will stay” she declared, making Cassian look at her in surprise.

“But I have a condition” she added “You will not hide anything else from me. You will tell me what’s happening here. What’s happening with the queens. With the other courts. I won’t stay in the dark any longer.”

“I promise you Nesta Archeron,” he said, his voice full of emotion “I will tell you even the Mother’ secrets if you want to”

~•~

Nesta spent the rest of the day lost in thought. Her conversation with Cassian — or screaming match to put it more truthfully — had opened some old wounds. Wounds she had thought to be already closed.

How foolish had she been.

Her quietness did not go unnoticed. Jacira was more talkative than usual, trying to cheer Nesta up and make her come out of her shell by any means, not caring if Esmée reprimanded her. But even the head healer took notice of Nesta’s mood.

“We don’t have much work today. You can deliver this tonic for me and then retire for the day” Esmée had said, a tad softer than usual “Now shoo! This won’t be delivered if you stay here looking at me”

And so Nesta found herself standing in the small craftsman center of the camp, walking towards a wooden building, its glass window identifying it as a clothier. The bell above the leaded-glass door tinkled as Nesta entered, warning of her presence.

“The shop is closed” a sharp voice said “Come back later”

Nesta looked at the female behind the polished counter. She had dark hair, which was braided in a style similar to the one Nesta favoured, offering a clean view of her sharp brown eyes. She wore a simple green dress, and Nesta noticed the female’s wings. The scars on them.

“I didn’t come to buy anything” Nesta walked towards the counter, placing down the package containing the small vial “I came to deliver this. I take you ordered this from Esmée?”

The female nodded, taking the package.

“So you’re the High Fae who’s working alongside the healers now” Emerie scanned Nesta, eyeing her pointed ears.

“What of it” she replied, straightening her spine, a mask of cold boredom on her face.

“Nothing” Emerie raised her chin, her posture matching Nesta’s “No wonder you decided to help them. They’re nice, and even Esmée’s presence is more pleasant than staying all day alone”

Nesta tried to calm down the fire inside of her, raging at the implication. She didn’t need her powers getting out of control here, destroying the store and hurting the female.

“Males are such emotionless creatures, don’t you agree? ” she added, waiting for a reaction back “I hope you gave the Commander hell for leaving you by yourself like that”

“He’s not— we’re not a couple” was Nesta’s only reply.

Emerie intrigued her. She was not like the other females Nesta had meet. She could recognise the fire inside of her, meeting Nesta’s gaze without fear.

She reminded Nesta of how she had once been. Before the war. Before she was Made.

“You aren’t?” Emerie raised an eyebrow, shrugging “Either way, I for one know I wouldn’t leave a guest unattended for such period.”

Nesta was excused from answering when the door opened, a familiar voice greeting them.

“Emerie, I finished with my deliveries, is there anything else I—” Kaelin stopped mid sentence, seeing the scene before her eyes.

“Kaelin, what are you doing here?” Nesta asked, surprised to see the girl.

“I do deliveries for Emerie sometimes. To the families who live too far or are too poor” the young girl stretched her wings a bit, shaking off the cold “Esmée let you go earlier today”

“She asked me to deliver something and call it a day” she inclined her head towards Emerie.

“Well, it’s a good thing then! You can stay for tea with me and Emerie!”

Nesta felt her cheeks redden.

“Kaelin, you can’t just invite me to someone else’s house!” she hissed, shocked at Kaelin’s boldness, her old manners classes coming to mind.

“I’m not bothered” Emerie said, coming from behind the counter “I can have some kind of courtesy towards those who I want to”

Kaelin grinned and opened a side door with a staircase — which lead to Emerie’s home in the upper floor of the shop — already moving up.

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to” Emerie added, seeing Nesta hesitate “Kaelin tends to act before he thinks. But I know he’s a good kid, so I won’t be offended if you choose to go back to your General’s home”

Nesta thought about saying how Cassian was not her General. How his home was not hers. How she had a thousand thoughts screaming in her mind. How her powers were singing beneath her veins and how afraid she was of losing control.

But she was even more curious about Emerie, a female who did not bow like the others, the sole owner of a shop in such a place as Illyria.

“I hope you have biscuits” she choose to say instead, feeling hungry for the first time in long while, the thought of eating not scaring her in the least.

•

Tag list: @sayosdreams @thewayshedreamed @sjm-things @perseusannabeth @arin1030 @caotica-e-quieta @vidalinav @swankii-art-teacher @ireallyshouldsleeprn @duskandstarlight @greerlunna @thegoddessaltenia @dayanna-hatter @verypaleninja @awesomelena555 @courtofjurdan @allilal @sensitiveillyrian @moe8 @illyrianwitchling13 @silvernesta @bri-loves-sunflowers @queenestarcheron

{Please let me know if you’d like to be added to my tag list}

[biscuit-buddy]

kuzumochi. (18+)

Endeavor x Reader (Smut, Birthday Fic, 3.1k)

A/N: holy shit guys this got so much longer than expected i’m sorry if it drags at all i just had so much i wanted to get out! Also its 11:22pm so its technically still his birthday. ha. 

What do you get for the man who could already have whatever he wanted at the snap of his fingers? Being the number one pro hero meant that Enji already received truckloads of expensive things, tickets to exclusive events, and the newest technologies simply because of his status. You knew this because everything he received went through you after being thoroughly checked at security. Eight months as his personal secretary offered you a glimpse into his extravagant world and honestly left you with a small bite of bitter jealousy. Some of the things that passed over your desk could pay the rent in your measly apartment for the next year, and you were sure he never gave most of it more than a second glance. 

Your pen tapped lightly against your bottom lip as you stared at the pad of sticky notes on your desk, nothing more than illegible lines, dots, and scribbles covered the top one. With a sigh of frustration, you detach it from the stack, crumple it and toss it in the trash. Today was the first day of August, and the mental countdown to your boss’ birthday plagued your thoughts. While your job was comfortable as is, the cold treatment from the man you worked for grated on your every nerve. You’d think after nearly a year in his employment he’d begin to warm up to you, maybe even bother to remember your name. This was your chance to finally stand out to him if only you could think of something that the hero could possibly want for his birthday. 

As much as he’d probably like a break or a vacation, you were in no position to provide that for him. He obviously didn’t want for anything material either. Does he even have a sweet tooth? You wondered silently as the tapping of your pen resumed against your face. I can’t even imagine a guy like him eating a cupcake. You know what? Actually I can and it’s hilarious. I bet his mustache would burn the frosting and-

“Ahem” Well, speak - or think- of the devil and he shall appear. Endeavor himself stood at your desk with an impatient look on his stern face. The goofy smile you’d been developing at the thought of the massive man eating sweets was quickly wiped off and your back straightened at an uncomfortable pace. 

“Daydreaming on the job?” he asked, but you got the feeling he didn’t really want an answer, so you just bow your head in apology. In an embarrassed mumble, you replied, “Sorry sir, won’t happen again” and he gave a huff in response, not unlike that of a great dragon. You held back another smile at the fleeting thought of smoke puffing out of his nose in discontent, as he handed you a manila envelope stuffed to the brim with some kind of paperwork. 

“I need this hand-delivered to the Hawks Hero Office immediately. This is sensitive information I’m trusting you with.” You gingerly accepted the packet, but couldn’t avoid the brief touch of his massive hand sliding past yours. You noted briefly just how warm they were, though you shouldn’t really be surprised. Courier work isn’t exactly in your job description but lately, you’ve been desperate to suck up anyways, plus some fresh air couldn’t hurt. You stood and gave one more quick bow, “of course sir, I’d be happy to deliver it” He seemed content with your answer and turned to walk through the frosted glass double doors that led into his office without so much as another word. 

Honestly, that had gone better than most of your interactions in the past. Pleased with the slight development in your relationship you gatherers your purse and the envelope and headed for the elevator. Floors passed monotonously as you continued to float gift ideas around in your head, this was looking to be harder than you initially thought. 

Once the lift reached the lobby you made your exit, pushing past a crowd of workers who seemed to just be returning from lunch. They laughed boisterously and made no notice of you squeezing around them. Finally, you made it to the front door of the Endeavor Agency and swiped your employee ID  badge on the terminal next to the front door alerting the system that you had left the building. Fresh warm air tickled your skin as you made your way onto the sidewalk and began the trek to Hawks’ Agency. It wasn’t particularly far, only a few blocks away and the route was dotted with storefronts boasting all kinds of wares from cake to clothes to flowers.

In theory, one of the displays you passed should have given you an idea but once more you found yourself coming up blank as you approached your destination. The young man at the front desk smiled politely when you entered  “Hi there, do you have an appointment?” his eyes flickered between you and the computer screen in front of him. 

“Actually I’m here on delivery for Endeavor” you waved the yellow folder a bit to accentuate your statement “something about sensitive information?” This really wasn’t part of the job you signed up for. Face to face interactions with strangers is so damn awkward. Luckily the receptionist probably dealt with people like you all day and didn’t bat an eye before saying

“Of course, his office is on floor 22 but if he’s not in there, try the roof. I’ll let security know you’re heading up” and he began tapping at the keyboard with one hand while making a ‘go on’ gesture toward the elevator with the other. You thought about boarding but instead made your way to the staircase. I already walked this far, might as well make it a cardio day, and give myself a good excuse to order takeout for dinner. You were truly a genius, maybe it was time to apply at NASA instead of working your ass off for Mr. Hothead. 

Twenty-two floors was a bit more of a workout than you thought it would be, and when you finally arrived at the top you were mildly sweaty cheeks ruddy and more out of breath than you’d like to admit so you take a moment to calm down before opening the doors and walking past the security guard. He gave you a sideways glance but kept his mouth shut as you knocked twice on the office doors. 

The lack of a verbal response clued you into the fact that he was likely on the roof just as the receptionist had said, so you hung a left and let yourself sprint up one more flight of stairs. Once you made it through the door marked ‘rooftop’ you spotted the winged hero perched near the railing. You announced yourself so as not to startle him,

“Excuse me, Mr. Hawks? I’m here on behalf of Endeavor, he asked me to deliver this to you as soon as possible”

He wheeled around at the sound of your voice, and his eyes lit up with amusement at your disheveled appearance. “Hey, thanks! I was kind of expecting the big man himself but you’re certainly a nice surprise” he winked and took the folder from your hands “Nobody told me Endeavor hired such a cutie to be his secretary, ya think I have any chance of poaching you from him?” Despite your earlier thoughts about NASA, you had no intention of leaving your current position so you just laughed. 

“I’m flattered but unfortunately I’ve got some oddly placed sense of loyalty for him” 

“Oh I get it” he cocked an eyebrow “I would too if I was you, the guy’s a size queen’s dream after all. Gotta love the whole naughty secretary dynamic too”

You sputtered at his bluntness “Oh god no nothing like that I-”

“Aw, I’m just teasing kid, how couldn’t I when you come up here looking like that” He gestured to your flustered appearance and you immediately regretting taking the stairs moments ago “Besides, I’d be surprised if you got him to warm up to you enough to remember your name let alone bend you over his desk” He was spot on, you had to sigh at that. 

“You’re right there, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t even notice if there was an entirely different person sitting at my desk tomorrow” 

“Heh, yeah, sounds like him. But you know, his birthday is coming up maybe a gift will put you in his good graces” another effortless wink was shot your way and despite him being the one with wings, the attention really ruffled your feathers. It’s like he had a secret mind-reading quirk or something. 

“I thought of that, but I have no clue what a guy like him would even want. It’s not like shopping for your mom, where you can just give her a picture frame that says ‘Live Laugh Love’ and she cherishes it forever ya know?” Hawks snorts in amusement at your comparison. You’re right and you’ll defend that if he asks, but he doesn’t. 

“In that case, I’d be willing to let you in on a little secret, some little known Endeavor lore, a true exclusive if you ask me”

“I’m not a tabloid Hawks, just tell me already” this guy messes around a lot for being the number two hero, its an incredibly stark contrast from his only superior.

“Okay, okay, you gotta lean in though, he’d kill me if I leaked something so personal” you lean in closer as instructed and he whispers into your ear, “his favorite food... is kuzumochi” You pull back in visible disappointment. 

“That’s it?”

“Yeah, he goes crazy for the stuff. Honest to god I’ve seen him inhale an entire batch in like five minutes. You want him to notice you? Then this is the best possible way, trust me.” and for some crazy reason you do. This could actually work, if it’s really as much of a secret as the blonde claims, you’d certainly stand out among the other gifts he’s sure to get. 

You thank Hawks and turn to leave with a newfound confidence in this new plan, but not before he makes you promise to tell him how it goes after the big day. As you exit the winged hero’s agency building the work phone you were assigned chimes with a new email letting you know that you can go straight home after the drop-off, and your grin widens. Even better, now you have time to stop at the grocery store on the way home, the decision already made to go big or go home. You were bound and determined to make the kuzumochi from scratch, and it was gonna be the best damn thing your boss had ever tasted. 

*******************************

The rest of the week dragged on in a painfully average way, the only thing keeping your mood afloat was the surprise dish you had been working on every night. You’d gone through multiple test batches, determined to get the flavor and consistency just right. The work paid off on the night of the 7th, just in time when you completed your best batch yet. With a content sigh, you washed your hands and packaged up the kuzumochi like a damn professional. Finally, you were able to take a long hot shower and climb into bed early with the anticipation of tomorrow bubbling in your chest.

Morning came quickly and your daily routine was done with care, then you grabbed the gift and began the short commute to work. Brain on autopilot, it seemed like no time at all until you were seated at your desk and logging in to the company’s computer system. The pristinely packaged gift was nestled into the corner of your desk, waiting for the perfect moment. 

This moment came just before lunch when a mildly scuffed up Endeavor breezed past you in a huff and headed straight into his office. This is it you thought Sure, he’s a little pissy at the moment but this’ll cheer him right up. And with that, you knocked once on the office door and peeked in. The sight of him slumped in the leather office chair in front of the massive floor to ceiling window, eyebrow cocked at your intrusion made your heart jump just a little. How can one man be so damn intimidating? You cleared your throat and began to speak with entirely false confidence.

“Sorry for barging in sir, I just wanted to give you a birthday gift. It’s not much, but I hope you’ll accept it” the whole situation reminded you of confessing to your crush with a box of chocolates in middle school, and it’s funny how some things never truly change. You presented the box to him and to your surprise he actually reached out to take it. 

His scrutinizing glare never let up as he untied the silky ribbon and lifted the lid, but once he recognized the contents his expression shifted quickly to one of surprise. 

“Is this... kuzumochi?” His gaze fell on you and it had nearly physical weight.

“Yes sir, I have it on uhm, good authority that it’s one of your favorites” should you admit that Hawks told you this bit of information? 

“Why?” 

“I’m sorry? Its… well, it’s your birthday, right? I wanted to get you something that would stand out.” It felt silly to admit to his face. 

“And why would you need to stand out, Y/N?” You had to keep your jaw from hitting the floor when he so casually dropped your name, the name you were sure he hadn’t even known. He decided to let you mull over the question as he took a bite of your carefully crafted treat, you could hear a small satisfied hum in his throat and it gave you chills. He beckoned you closer, “it’s delicious, would you like a taste?” when you hesitated he added, “it would be awfully rude to refuse your boss on his birthday, especially after all the trouble you’ve gone to making these”

A heavy step carries you over to his desk, like lead weights attached to your ankles. As you approach he rises out of the chair, a new unreadable look replaced the one of irritation you had been so used to all these months. “Come closer,” he said when you stopped just short of the desk. He’d never spoken to you like this before, and it sent chills down your spine. A few more steps took you around the desk to where he stood, and you barely flinched when he placed a large palm on the side of your jaw, the other held a piece of kuzumochi near your mouth. His intent was clear, he was going to feed it to you by hand. “Open” he commanded softly and you couldn’t deny him if you wanted to, so you complied.

The sweetness melted over your tongue, you truly had outdone yourself here. And once the piece was securely in your mouth, a warm thumb brushed over your bottom lip where his eyes also happened to be resting, completely content in watching you chew and swallow. The intimacy of the situation wasn’t lost on you. You recalled something that Hawks had said about a ‘sexy secretary dynamic’ and once again he was right. When the taste had completely faded from your senses, you looked up to finally meet your boss’ eye. The intensity in them shook you to your very core.

“I’ll ask you again, why do you think you need to stand out?” at this, his hand dropped from your lip down to your waist “Were you hoping for some kind of special attention?” the depth of his voice made your thighs clench, knowing full well where this conversation was heading. He noticed the action and quirked his lips into the faintest smile, one full of mischievous intent. One large step forward for him pushed you back onto the sturdy wooden desk. “I can’t possibly disappoint my favorite little employee then, can I?”

You barely had time to brace your arms behind you before his hand moved over again to res on the top of your thigh, and the one that remained on your jaw guided you into a kiss. It began soft, Endeavor was no fool. He tested the waters, your willingness, before jumping right in. The second you started to kiss back it was full speed ahead. The man was experienced for sure, he knew exactly how to coax your mouth into a dance with his own. Once his tongue pushed into your mouth it was all over for you, you’ve become a slave to the feeling.

All too quickly he broke the kiss, and you had half a mind to whine at the loss of contact. When you opened your eyes you noticed he was leaned over towards the box of kuzumochi that started everything. Odd time for a snack but okay. And when he returned to face you he did have another piece in his mouth, as well as the red ribbon you used to tie it in his hands. Your mouths met once again, this time he pushed the food into yours with his tongue. While you’re distracted with the odd sensation of kissing and eating at the same time you hardly notice the way he pushed both your arms up above your head and deftly tied your wrists together with the ribbon. When he was sure they were secure he let them drop and find a home around the back of his neck.   

You swallow the kuzumochi just as he turns up the intensity, completely claiming your mouth with his own. This time, he pushes you even further back until you’re laid completely flat on the desk. His fingers rake up and down your sides while his hips press against yours. You can feel his growing excitement pushed up against you and the feeling has you nearly moaning. Nearly isn’t good enough got the number one though, and he starts trailing kisses down your jaw and further until he reaches the junction of your neck where he bites and sucks like his life depends on it. This finally brings forth the noise he was chasing, and when you go to cover your mouth from embarrassment is when you finally realize that your wrists are bound. 

Your boss’ attention is directed elsewhere though, as he reaches a hand under your skirt, past you panties, and begins to stroke your folds. You both realized how wet you’ve become at the same time, and now it’s his turn to moan. One large digit enters you as his mouth travels further south, now nipping at your collarbones and chest. Your wrists slip from around his neck and his free hand strokes upwards from your side to push your arms up over your head. Completely exposed to him he continues to ravish your skin and curl his finger in and out of your cunt. Quickly you come undone around his finger and he removes his mouth from you long enough to drag the digit along his own tongue. 

“You’re even sweeter than the kuzumochi, here” he pushes the finger into your mouth and you diligently suck the rest of your juices from it. “Good girl.” The praise itself makes you moan once again. When he’s satisfied with your work he begins to remove his pants and you finally get a glimpse of what you’re working with. You nearly get up and walk out right then, because the man is massive.

“Just relax, I’ll start slow” he reassures and stays true to his word. After a long moment of adjusting he’s fully sheathed inside you and you swear this is what heaven feels like. The moment he begins to move you know you were wrong. If that was heaven you must have finally ascended even further, to wherever gods go when they die. Endeavor fucks you hard and slow against his desk until your eyes are rolling back in your head and you can see every constellation on your eyelids. And when it’s over, you’re shaking like a leaf.

He pulls out, not giving a second glance to the fluids leaking out of you and onto the floor, and begins to untie your wrists. Both of them are red and raw from the friction of the ribbon, and he places a tender kiss on each of the marks. One more kiss on the bruised patch he left on your neck, then he’s hoisting you upwards in a sitting position. Still unsteady but slowly coming back down to earth, you feel a soft tissue wipe at the mess between your legs while a strong hand continues to keep you upright rests at your side. 

When you look up to meet his gaze, your confidence is no longer an act. “Happy birthday,” you say and for once he breaks out a genuine smile that makes him look ten years younger.

As he rests his forehead against yours he replies, “It’s not over yet” but before you can question his meaning the intercom system next to his computer rings and a voice announces “Mr. Hawks is on his way up, sir” and you choke. You did promise you’d tell him how things went. 

[mashi-sims]

Ranking AHW's S5 Episodes

I know that ranting about how bad some of the episodes this season were isn’t going to change the fact that they were, in fact, bad, but I still wanted to do an overview of this season in my opinion, and I love ranking stuff, so here it goes:

Also, I should mention that, yes, this is Cooliver biased, although I did take other plotlines into consideration, but mostly Cooliver. Also, lol, I could only add 10 photos so the #13, #12 and #11 don't get one, also they don't deserve it.

Tier 1: I wish they could be un-written, please.

13. 5x12 How Oliver Got His Groove Back

I’ll start with my least favorite episode, and the one we all wish we could unsee. This is the episode where Oliver is feeling down because the girl WE, THE AUDIENCE, just realized he liked, doesn’t like him back (which is a whole other thing), so Katie gets him a date with this girl that’s never been introduced in the show before. Oliver doesn’t want to see her, but he still does, and then he realizes she’s nice, and just like that, he’s happy again. I feel like this plot would not have been that bad if it hadn’t been so out of character, unexplained, and utterly designed to be filler for the season. Worst episode from my perspective, wouldn’t watch it again, barely watched it the first time, ugh, next-

12. 5x11 The Guardian

Same thing with this one, very uneventful episode that talks nonsense, introduces the idea of Oliver liking Lindsay and thinking they’d been dating, but nobody knew about it! How convenient! And again, doesn’t progress into anything, and it just feels out of character, forced, and like they didn’t even try to hide that it was a filler episode. Wouldn’t watch it again, I don’t even think about it, I’ve erased it from my mind. The only reason why this episode is ahead of 5x12 is because of Kathryn and Anna-Kat, and JD trying to find his egg donor, other than that, still pretty ugh.

Tier 2: Did the writers really look at their script and think; “ah, well done”?!

11. 5x07 Under Pressure

I kinda enjoyed this episode even if it didn’t include any Cooliver. I liked Anna-Kat’s storyline about not feeling her popularity and sticking to Franklin, I really really love these two together! So cute! Also, Taylor helping Oliver relax and not stress out that much was nice, although not amazing. Katie and Greg’s double date that led to a city council rivalry, I don’t care for it. Overall, I don’t know if this was intended to be a filler episode, but it totally felt like one to me; a nice episode but not one I’d watch again.

10. 5x05 Kids These Days

Eh, pretty uneventful. Katie wants Franklin and Anna-Kat to be more edgy and to take more risks, ends up in completely nothing. Oliver wants Boosterin and he accidentally drugs Greg, also ends up doing nothing for the storyline. The only thing I liked about this episode was seeing how Cooper cared about Oliver and how Oliver said “Your boy is doing both”, the Cooliver content was still good; other than that, eh. Also, the strange order in episodes this season really threw me off.

9. 5x04 Homeschool Sweet Homeschool

Nice episode, but not one of the best. Mommy blog, Cooliver moves to the basement, Andre shows up and it’s all weird now, eh. I enjoyed this episode because of the Cooliver’s interactions more than anything, but it’s not the greatest in my opinion.

Tier 3: *Sits down on the couch with popcorn and a blanket*

8. 5x06 Mother’s Little Helper

I also enjoyed Cooliver this episode. Although their drinking arc was pretty pointless and, again, ended up being nothing!!, I liked seeing them together, and that shaking they gave each other was funny. This is the episode where Tami was introduced, and I really liked her from the beginning, although I do wish they would’ve given Katie’s original second breakfast club some sort of closure so I wouldn’t feel so guilty about liking Tami and JD, eventually.

7. 5x02 Psych

This episode always made me feel stupid because I never understood what was going on with Taylor, why she didn’t take her gap year, why she never told Katie and Greg that she had gotten in, or at least make something out of it, why she decided to go to another college or if Greg got her in just so she didn’t have to take a gap year, bUT THEN I realized they didn’t actually talk about it, so I’m not the stupid one, I think.

Nevertheless, I really enjoyed this episode. I like Katie’s storyline of getting involved in other people’s lives after she sells her lasagna business (again, did they ever talk about that or am I stupid?)

This is the episode where we can see the change in Cooliver’s dynamic (a good thing), and the iconic line “stop bothering our boyfriends” saved my life. Having Taylor And Trip with Cooper and Oliver hanging out in the same frame is one of my favorite things and adds a few days to my life.

Franklin and Anna-Kat’s relationship also picks up in this season, and I really enjoy them in this episode. Also, Greg was very funny here, and I am grateful lol.

6. 5x08 Encourage, Discourage

I really liked how this was a Cooper-centered episode, really diving deep into his character instead of keeping him as a shallow side-character. By the way, how did Cooper get so much development and Oliver lost most of his? What was that? Anyway, Cooper saved this episode. I would’ve liked for Oliver to be a more supportive friend in this episode, but he was still there, at least.

Also, Cooper doesn’t think he’s too good for Oliver! Bless his heart.

5. 5x10 Getting Frank with The Ottos

I liked this episode very much! Again, Anna-Kat and Franklin melted my heart, but Oliver and Cooper squeezed it with Cooper’s realization of not wanting to go to Harvard, but Oliver eventually understanding and supporting him? Please, get married. Also, Oliver saying “We’re Cooliver”, and Trevor asking them if they were breaking up made my day. Could’ve been better and a bit more eventful, but it was good nonetheless.

4. 5x13 The Election

I really liked the finale, despite not having any Cooliver at all, the ending was pretty awesome, and I believe it really sets the tone for what could potentially be a great S6, that is if that’s actually happening AND if the writers stop it with the bullshit. Franklin and Anna-Kat getting engaged was very sweet, I adore them! Taylor and Trip getting really engaged was a bit cringe, but still adorable, and I love it! I just wish they had paid more attention to Oliver in this episode, but well, I guess his bang is not here yet and not every episode can be a banger. I hope that whatever comes next will be good enough that the wait will be worth it.

Tier 4: *Chef’s kiss, no pun intended*

3. 5x01 Graduation

Although this episode doesn’t really belong to this season, and it doesn’t share the same 〜vibe〜 with the rest of the episodes, since it has more of a S3-S4 energy, it’s still in S5 and I wanted to include it, too.

Not my favorite, but it’s one of the good ones imo. So much stuff happens in this episode that it almost feels cramped and overwhelming to me, with the graduation and the wedding, but I get that it was necessary to set the scene for S5 and close S4 even if it didn’t turn out the way they’d originally planned, and it came out fine considering the situation the producers were in, which can’t be said for every episode this season lol.

Taylor and Trip were adorable in this episode, Cooper was amazing, Oliver moping around was something I didn’t know I needed in my life, and Lonnie’s speech about not wanting his relationship with Greg to end, even if I never cared for his storyline, was really nice.

This episode made me think that S5 was headed toward amazing things, but not everything was good.

2. 5x09 The Heist

I love this episode because of Cooper’s development. Again, why couldn’t Oliver get that too? However, I did like how they made Oliver seem like he might’ve been a bit thirsty for his fellow Cooper over there, telling him multiple times that he’s good looking? Come on, tell us what you really mean.

Anyway, Cooliver really shone this episode, round of applause.

1. 5x03 Coupling

This episode is superior, bite me. I love everything about this episode, not only Cooliver. Katie and Greg trying to be supportive of their kids having sex with their boyfriends? Yes! Parallels between all four couples? Yes, please! Cooper and Oliver having their first married couple fight, Cooper feeling like he’s being replaced, but Oliver is doing it for the both of them and their future together? Yes! Masterpiece of an episode. I have no more to say.

Hands down, my favorite episode this season. Too bad mostly everything went downhill after that. I hope we do get a season 6 and that things pick up. This series deserves redemption, and Cooper and Oliver deserve to be happily in love together. Thank you.

[the--highlanders]

3. “I’ve waited for this.”

on ao3.

Red. Red and yellow and roughly torpedo-shaped, with a few modifications for warfare. Long-distance fuel supplies, ammunition tanks, that sort of thing. So, that meant a species with sufficient resources to make those modifications to an otherwise standard-issue fleet, and enough experience with war to know what to do. Red and yellow and torpedo-shaped and warlike – well, that let him pluck a few dozen more notes off the wall before him, which narrowed it down to something in the region of four hundred potential star systems. He was making progress. And once he knew who had attacked them, then he might be able to make a start on putting a stop to it.

Goodness, posing as a wartime advisor was difficult. Being an examiner was one thing – but here he was in hospital, and he was still expected to work.

Voices were drifting in through the closed door, and he paused, rather grateful for the distraction. One voice was unfamiliar to him, though it was bland and distant enough that he was sure it had to be the guard posted outside his room. They had not spoken a word to him, despite his best efforts. But the other voice was almost as familiar to him as his own, and starting to sound a little heated.

“But I’ve got tae see him,” Jamie was insisting. “You’ve got tae let me inside.”

“I’m terribly sorry, sir,” the guard said, not sounding particularly sorry at all. “But I have my orders. The minister is under protection. Nobody but the medical staff are to see him.”

“Och, ye wee -” A squeaking of heels against the floor, as if Jamie had spun around to march away. Then another squeak, like he had paced back in frustration, at a loss for anything else to do with himself. “I’m hardly going tae hurt him, am I?” The guard stammered out something inaudible. “Ye know who I am. He’d want tae see me.”

“I have my orders,” the guard repeated, though they sounded a little less certain now. “We’re not to take any risks.”

Even through the door, he could hear Jamie suck in a deep breath. The Doctor was almost surprised that he did not let out a scream. He might have done so himself, if their circumstances had been reversed. “Take any risks – I’m his husband!”

Something about those words froze the Doctor in place. Why was he so surprised to hear it? He had heard Jamie say it a thousand times before. Why should it feel so strange, when it was a simple fact, one that he had grown quite used to?

Then he remembered that Jamie was not as used to it as he was. In fact, he didn’t know it at all, anymore.

Could he have remembered? Perhaps – the shock of him being hurt, the worry of being apart – it might have triggered something. Human brains were odd like that, contorting themselves into all sorts of shapes to cope with stress. But it was hardly as if he had not been in danger before, and this last memory block had been a thorn in his side for so long. If it was going to unlock so simply, it would have done so long ago.

But if he was right about that, then why on earth would Jamie have said it?

Whatever the guard had made of it, they had evidently decided that it was not worth arguing with Jamie, because the key was turning in the lock. The Doctor whisked himself around hastily to face his wall of pinned notes, drawing his coat more tightly around his scratchy hospital-issue pyjamas. If only they had given him his real clothes back, then he might be more comfortable. But although they had been rather accommodating for everything else, they had been quite unwilling to budge in that regard.

You’re rambling, he told himself sternly. You must get a hold of yourself before -

He had not even finished the thought in his own head when that before evaporated. The door was thrust open, and Jamie came barging into the room, storming over to bundle him into a hug.

Behind them, the guard quietly clicked the door closed.

“Ah,” was all the Doctor could say, arching his back away from Jamie’s slightly shaky grip. He had not realised quite how bruised he still was around the ribcage until Jamie had grabbed hold of him. “Ah – ah. Jamie.”

“What were ye thinkin’,” Jamie mumbled into his shoulder. “Givin’ me a scare like that.”

“Jamie,” the Doctor said again. “I’m, ah – rather pleased to see you – but I’m afraid you’re hurting me.”

Jamie sprang back, his hands still clutching at the Doctor’s shoulders. “Sorry.” His gaze swept up and down the Doctor, drinking in the sight of him. Checking him over, perhaps, or just reassuring himself that he was real. “But I’ve been worried sick about ye.”

“Well, I’m terribly sorry to have worried you. But I really had no alternative, you know.”

The look Jamie gave him was blisteringly sceptical. “The buildin’ was on fire!”

“And I had to retrieve those scans. Besides, I wasn’t burnt. Just knocked around a little.” The Doctor’s eyes snagged on a particular note as he gestured up to his wall, and he pulled himself away from Jamie to tug its pin free. It drifted down to the floor slowly, rocking back and forth as it went, until it landed amongst its brethren that littered the ground. Dropping the pin into a bowl with its fellows, the Doctor wandered back to take Jamie loosely by the wrists. “But now I have them, I can get to work on figuring out who we’re dealing with.” Jamie gave a nondescript little mumble. “Now – Jamie -” What was the right thing to say here? Should he say anything at all? “How did you manage to get inside?”

“Och, well -” He shouldn’t have said anything. Jamie was blushing terribly now. “I might’ve, um – I might’ve told them we were married.

“Yes. Yes, I thought I heard right.” Jamie was pulling away, and the Doctor longed to tighten his grip on his wrists and keep him there, but he forced himself to let him slip away. Best not to frighten him, he told himself, if he really hadn’t remembered. Or even if he had. It might all be new and raw. “Now, why would you say a thing like that, hm?”

“Dunno.” A shrug. Hardly the response he had been hoping for. “Just jumped into my head, that’s all. Thought they might let me in.” He had not thought Jamie could turn any redder, but somehow he managed it. “Seems to have worked alright. Only – I didnae really think about it.”

“Think about it?”

“Aye, well – we’re gonnae have to pretend tae be married now, aren’t we?”

Pretend.

He had never dreamt that one word could hurt so much.

So Jamie still could not remember, then. He really had no idea that his neat little ruse struck right at the truth. Or – alarmingly close to it, anyway. Could you really be married to someone, the Doctor thought, if they had no memory of it, and no idea that it had happened?

Not that philosophical questions were of any use. It was an ethical question, now. Could he in good faith let Jamie carry on with this little charade, knowing that it would hold a much greater significance for him? After all, Jamie had never shown even the slightest interest in him since the Time Lords had allowed them to be together again. He had wondered, at times, whether this was their revenge for the pest he had made of himself over the years. Or some fresh infliction of their regressive ideas about what was proper. It was an awfully specific block, after all, ranging over several years and filtering through memories that Jamie otherwise recalled perfectly. No matter the reason, everything that had been between them before was gone now, broken by their time apart. He had mourned for it – still mourned for it, if he was honest, but he had learned to live with it, even if it hurt. He had no choice. For all he knew, Jamie might never remember what they had been to each other for all that time.

Could he do it, then? Allow Jamie to go on pretending, while he knew it was – had been – entirely real?

It’s innocent enough, the selfish part of him was saying. And oh, how tempting that was to believe. What’s the harm in saying you’re married? It’s just words. The assignment only lasts for another week. You’ll be out of there soon, and with no harm done.

That was true, he supposed. They could forget all about it as soon as they were done, or laugh it off as a silly little mishap.

Or maybe, another part of him whispered, he’ll remember. Maybe this is what he needs to break the barrier. Acting out the truth.

Wouldn’t he like to believe that.

“Doctor?” Jamie was saying. “You’re no’ upset about it, are ye? I mean – I can go an’ tell the guard I was lyin’, I suppose, but I don’t know what they’d make of it -”

There was nothing to it, he supposed. Just words, as he had told himself before. If they should happen to hold hands or put their arms around each other in front of others, just to drive the lie home – well, it was hardly as if they didn’t do that anyway. There was no difference, really. And if he let Jamie take the lead, then it would all be on his terms. Nothing to worry about.

Except his own heartbreak. Could he really bear pretending to be Jamie’s husband, knowing that he was Jamie’s husband, and knowing that Jamie didn’t really love him back anymore? Surely it was too much for anyone to handle. And he had two hearts to break, not just one.

“Of course not,” he said at last. “You had to say something. And, ah – I did want to see you. I do want to see you. I suspect it may come in rather useful, you being able to come and go as you please.”

There was something odd in Jamie’s expression, something he could not read no matter how hard he tried. “Good,” was all he said – and then he leaned in and kissed the Doctor.

He could remember, quite clearly, the moment when Jamie had kissed him for the first time. Called him daft and leaned in and kissed him, and short-circuited his brain rather efficiently to boot. The effect was much the same this time, he thought dimly. Jamie kissed him just as he used to, softly, slowly, like he thought he might break. Idly, he reached one hand up to rub his thumb through the short hair at the back of Jamie’s neck, just where he knew he liked it. Funny, really, how little details could stick around in your memory for so long.

His brain was starting to recover now, whirring into action until it was working so fast that he was sure steam must be shooting out of his ears. Had Jamie remembered? Was this his way of saying that he remembered? No, Jamie was not one for messing around like this. He wore his heart too much on his sleeve. If he remembered, then he would have been honest about it. But then why else would he have kissed him?

Jamie pulled back first – no respiratory bypass system, the Doctor reminded himself, of course. His brain might have been working, but his body was mercifully still too shocked to automatically lean in and kiss Jamie again, no matter how much he would have liked to. No need to overwhelm him. “I’ve been waiting,” he murmured. “For – this.” His voice hitched on the last word. “For so long.”

It took him a moment to realise that Jamie had spoken at the same time, his voice breathless and his cheeks pink.

“Sorry,” he had said. “I thought – if we’re going tae – we ought tae get used to -”

 Oh.

“Oh,” he said. He could only hope… Had Jamie heard? Could he pass his words off as meaning something else? You’ve really gone and dug your own grave now. “Oh, Jamie, I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t realise you -”

“I’m sorry.” Jamie was still talking over him, his voice shaky, his face well and truly red now. “I thought – I must’ve been wrong -”

“I don’t think I realised -”

“I thought ye – och, I don’t know what I thought -”

“Jamie.” The Doctor settled his hands on Jamie’s shoulders. He did not immediately pull away, at least. That was a start. “What on earth are you apologising for?”

“I thought – ye might’ve -” Jamie hung his head. “Just the way ye  - I thought maybe ye… meant it for real.” The last few words came out in one hurried mumble, all running into each other. “But obviously ye didn’t, so -”

The Doctor frowned. “Meant what?”

“I don’t know!” Jamie cried, loud enough that the Doctor was sure the guard outside would be staring at the door, wondering what was going on. “Look – I got it wrong, alright. It’s fine.”

He does remember, the Doctor realised. And he doesn’t think I still love him. It was a horrifying, heart-shattering thought. That Jamie could think he could stop loving him… Well, it was unthinkable. It had been a long time since Jamie had been so doubtful of himself. But then again, so much had changed. And how should Jamie have known any different?

“Jamie,” he said, as firmly as he could. Jamie was trying to break away from him again, so he clamped his hands over his shoulders, holding him in place. “Jamie, I – I do love you. Of course I do. And I’m terribly sorry if I’ve made you doubt that, lately, but I didn’t want to, ah – push any boundaries, I wasn’t sure if -”

Jamie’s head raised, just a little. “Do ye mean that? You’re no’ just – pretendin’?”

“Of course I’m not.”

“Aye.” Jamie drew in a deep, unsteady breath. “Aye, alright.” Slowly but surely, he broke into a grin, not quite shy enough to hide his elation. “Movin’ a bit fast, then, aren’t we?”

The Doctor tilted his head. “A bit fast?’

“Well, ye know.” Jamie shrugged. “I’ve kissed ye once, an’ now here ye are sayin’ that ye love me, an’ we’re goin’ around sayin’ that we’re married.”

Ah.

Scratch the previous theory, then.

Jamie didn’t remember. Not at all. Not even the tiniest bit.

And yet there they were, about to start from scratch. But how could they, really, when he knew everything, and Jamie knew nothing? Should he tell him? Which would hurt Jamie less – keeping the secret, or telling it?

Jamie moved in to kiss him again, still slow, still soft, but smiling against his lips this time. Try as he might, he could not get himself to smile back. He ought to have been as rapturous as Jamie was. He ought to have been skipping all over the room, shouting for joy. He had missed this so terribly, missed the way Jamie loved him. Like one of the lochs back in his home, so wide and so deep and so full.

Letting his fingers trail up to the back of Jamie’s neck again, he wondered if he should pretend not to know anything. Jamie would grow suspicious, if he seemed overly familiar with him. Would it all come spilling out, messy and uncontrollable? Could he really carry on like this? Maybe he ought to put a stop to it now, nip it in the bud and keep things simple. All the hurt could stay on his side, if he was just brave.

He had never been particularly brave, though. Not like Jamie was. Yes, he had run into a burning building a few days ago, knowing it would collapse around him – but that had been stupidity, not bravery. He was a coward through and through, and he knew it well. A selfish coward.

Jamie’s hands had settled over his waist, heavy and comfortable, like they had been moulded into shape just so they could fit in that exact spot. The feeling was so familiar that he could almost pretend none of this memory block business existed. Things were exactly as they always had been. But it was funny, really, that there was no clumsiness about either of them. He had expected a little on his own part, if only from a lack of practice, though he was hardly surprised that he had fallen so easily back into the rhythm of it. Jamie, though… Jamie was kissing him like they had never been apart at all. Exactly as he had on the day they had lost each other, not at all like he had on that first day, for that first kiss.

His pyjama shirt was being pushed up on one side, Jamie’s fingers slowly working their way beneath it. An idle little motion. Not seeking anything, just clearing the way to rub little patterns on his skin. It had been a circle, all those years ago, then turned into a figure of eight after a few months, like Jamie had realised that the motion flowed more smoothly. Back and forth, back and forth. And now here he was again, tracing out not a circle but a figure of eight. As if he had already figured it out. As if he remembered.

Funny, really, how little details could stick around in your memory for so long. Even against all the odds.

Jamie was still smiling as he kissed him, and for the first time, the Doctor smiled back.

[fatiguing-thoughts]

“New Moon” - Jasper Hale Miniseries Part 2

I woke up in the morning to an empty side of the bed next to me.

“No, no, no!” I exclaim, running my hands sporadically throughout the spot where Jasper laid next to me last night.

This couldn’t be real, but it was real.

I grabbed my phone off the desk and called Jasper.

“Sorry, the number you have called is out of service.”

I called the rest of the family, all the same. I wanted to scream, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My head was spinning, I was having a panic attack. I felt like I was dying.

Before I knew it, I hit the floor.

I woke up hours later, waking up to my living nightmare. It felt like my heart was ripped clean out of my chest, with no promise of return.

How could life rob me of the people I loved most in my life? Take away my families that gave me love, twice?

When the car accident happened on my way home from high school graduation, it killed my entire family. I was the only survivor. I moved to Washington to start a new life, I was too depressed to live in my home anymore, I couldn’t bare to live in that house. I moved to Olympia and attended Evergreen State College. Portland became too much for me, I had to go.

After I met Jasper and his family, things grew easier for me. The hole in my heart slowly filled. I felt loved again, people cared for me like a family. They loved and respected me; I was not lonely anymore. Holidays weren’t spent crying alone anymore, they were spent surrounded by love. I miss my family dearly but was grateful for a second chance for a family. But now, it was once again ripped from my hands at the hand of someone else.

 I stumbled over to my desk, looking at the pictures of my handsome boyfriend and myself. I noticed that he took one; I hope he looks at it as much as I look at them.

 I thought back to how I met Jasper. I was shopping in Port Angeles, as I like to drive and take road trips at any given chance. I ran into three beautiful women on that rainy day. The tiniest of the three, who I then learned was Alice, looked at me, stared blankly, and dropped what was in her hands at that time. The other two women turned to look at me, before going back to her. She whispered something to them. They all looked at me quizzically before approaching me. I hung out with them for quite some time, befriending them. I know now that she had a vision, she knew I was Jasper’s mate. Rosalie and I clicked very well. We exchanged numbers and agreed to hang out at some point. I spent the rest of the day with them. At one point their adoptive brother, Jasper, met up with us as he needed to shop too.

 When Jasper and I made eye contact, all of the air left my lungs. I almost collapsed to the floor, my knees buckled and I gripped onto Rosalie’s arm for support. Alice was smiling uncontrollably as the same thing seemed to happen to Jasper.

 “Hello, my name is Jasper Hale.” He says, reaching out his hand for me to take.

 “I’m (Y/N Y/L/N).” I said, short of breath, meeting my hand to his.

 He grabbed my hand and kissed it, causing me to blush uncontrollably.

The sweet memory caused me to smile, before heading back into reality.

The situation daunted on me, I was alone. I had nobody with me, wouldn’t have anyone with me for quite some time. My best friends, my family, my love-- they’re all gone without a trace.

 So I did what I could, I laid in my bed and stared at the ceiling for God knows how long. I had class in an hour and had to go, so I wouldn’t lose sight of my goal. Only now there was a new motive: to see Jasper sooner.

 I went to my class, but none of it felt real. It was all a blur. When I returned to my dorm room, I stared out my window.

 And that’s how I spent all of my time now, watching the world around me change as I stayed the same. I was too depressed to do anything extra. I went to class, tried to listen, and did the work I had to do. People spoke to me, but it fell upon deaf ears.

 I left Jasper and Rosalie voicemails on a daily basis. I wrote letters for Jasper daily, planning to give him them all at once when, even though it felt more like an if, I ever get to see him again.

 Being indefinitely separated from my mate left me feeling as if I was living in hell. My nightmares came back, and they came back worse.

 I would wake up screaming, having the RA banging on my door to see if I was okay, as people called it in thinking someone was dying. Though I wasn’t physically dying, I felt like I was. I was emotionally and mentally drained as the weeks went on. Weeks turned into months. By the time October rolled around, I still hadn’t talked to anyone. I was so isolated that I even forgot that other people attended this school.

 Until one day, a kid in my busines statistics class spoke to me.

 “Hey, do you know what we’re doing? I don’t really understand this.” He says to me, trying to smile in a friendly way.

 “Uh, yeah.” I say shyly.

 I explained the problem to him and turned my attention back towards the lecture.

“Thank you, (Y/N).” He said nicely.

“You know my name?” I said surprisingly. I was so down and lost in my own head, I never learned his name.

“Well, it is on your paper.” He said chuckling.

“Ah yes. That’s true. And your name?” I ask, trying to force myself to talk. After all, this is the most social interaction I’ve had since Jasper left a month ago.

“Mark. It’s nice to finally hear something out of you.” He teased.

I smiled back and chuckled out a “Yeah, that’s fair.”

The class came to an end and with that, I left to go sulk in my room.

Every class, Mark tried to talk to me more and more. He was very nice, I just didn’t feel a need to make any friends anymore.

“Hey listen (Y/N), I know you didn’t do anything for Halloween. Thanksgiving break is coming up in a couple of weeks. I think you need to have some fun. My friends and I are hanging out this weekend at my place. I think you should come by and try the whole, social, thing.” Mark kindly offers.

I sat and thought about it. What was there to lose? I didn’t necessarily want to go, but maybe it would be a nice distraction that wasn’t staring out my window all weekend.

“Ok Mark. I’ll stop by for a little while.” I said calmly.

“Oh wow, actually? That was easier than I thought.” He laughs.

He hands me his phone with a new contact page up. I add myself and hand the phone back.

The class ends and I head back to my dorm.

After sitting for about an hour looking out my window, my phone buzzes. It was Mark.

“So we’ll see you tomorrow at 6:30. Please try to have fun.”

“Yeah, I’ll be there. I’ll try my best.” I respond.

I started writing Jasper’s letter before I stare at the backpack I’ve yet to open.

I can’t explain why I couldn’t. I was just so nervous. But it was time. It’s been almost two months since the Cullens left.

I unzip the massive backpack and see an absurd amount of cash, some papers, and some little packages. I open the papers first. One is the address of the new apartment and the other two are sealed with my name on it.

I open the first one and see a receipt? I look closer and see that he had paid off the duration of my tuition here. I almost cried at the thought of it, and I would’ve if I had any tears left. 

I open the second one and see his handwriting. I stopped breathing for a second.

“Dear (Y/N),

         I’m so sorry for what is happening Darlin’. I hope this ends sooner than later because not being with you is the worst pain that I could ever fathom. I hope you treat yourself well, please take care of yourself. I can’t wait to see you again, my love. Soon enough, we’ll have forever together. Do well in school, it’s important. I left you what I think you’ll need in this bag, please don’t miss anything in it. I will see you soon enough, doll.

          Love always,

Jasper Whitlock Hale”

My tears dropped upon the paper. I opened the rest of the bag.

I saw a little rectangle box. I opened it and gasped. It was a necklace with a “J” on it. I held it close to my chest before putting it on.

It almost felt like he was real again. It felt like I wasn’t just imagining everything that happened to me.

I grabbed a picture of he and I before climbing into bed and holding it to my chest. I laid there until I fell asleep holding it.

When I woke up, it was 10 am. I did some homework and decided to finally go see the apartment that Jasper picked for me.

I ate some breakfast and got in my car. About an hour or so later, I pulled into the parking lot of a cute complex. I go up to mine and look around. It felt so empty despite being furnished. I walk into the kitchen and see a note on the counter. It was from Jasper.

“Hey Doll, it looks like you found the apartment. I hope you like what we’ve done with it for you.”

I almost instinctively crumpled the note up in my hands as I held it to my chest, but stopped myself. I put it back on the counter before finding my bedroom. It was customized just for me, that’s for sure. My eyes welled up with tears and I couldn’t control myself when I saw the framed picture of Jasper and I on the wall. I looked out the window and admired the view of the tree line. I missed my boyfriend more than anything. This was going to be hard. At about 4 or so, I decided to head back to school after dropping some of my stuff in the apartment.

 I get back and get ready to go to Mark’s hangout. This would not only be my first social setting in some time, but my first big group of people in months. I was so afraid I could get sick.

 I drive to the address that Mark gave me and let him know I was there. I looked around and noticed that this was definitely a frat house. Well, let’s hope for the best.

He came outside to come get me. I exited the car and followed him inside to see about 25 people in the living room and kitchen area. This was going to be a nightmare. 

“Hey (Y/N), thanks for coming. Can I get you something to drink?” Mark offers.

“No thank you, I have water with me.”

“What? You don’t want a shot or anything?” He asked me confused.

“Mark I’m driving. I also don’t drink, but thank you.” I tell him.

As I look around I become increasingly aware of the fact that I’m the only female here.

“Did I crash a boy’s night or something?” I ask him.

“No I just wanted everyone to meet you.” He says.

“Oh?” I said puzzled.

“Is this her? Is this (Y/N)?” A large man comes up and asks Mark,

“Yes it is.” Mark answered. “(Y/N), this is Joe.”

“Hi Joe. Nice to meet you.” I said shyly.

“Hello. You’re right Mark, she is really pretty. You should ask her out.”

Ah there it is, the reason I was invited.

“Please go away, Joe.” Mark said as he pushed Joe out of the conversation.

“Well…” Mark trails off, looking at me.

“Well what?” I ask back.

“Would you wanna go out some time?” He asked nervously.

“Mark, I’m flattered. Thank you but I’m actually with someone. It’s pretty serious. I appreciate the gesture, though.” I say nicely.

“So why are you alone all the time?” He asks me, with kind of annoyed tone.

“Because he’s not here right now?” I said questioning his tone.

“Well, let’s just get you to have some fun tonight.” He said, pulling me further into the house by my hand.

As I walk through, all I see is drunk men. I haven’t been this uncomfortable in so long.

I sit on the couch alone and look around. I check my phone, nothing.

“What’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone for?” I hear from above me.

My stomach turned as I look up and see a guy about the size of Emmett.

Emmett. I miss my chaos twin. I miss them all so much.

I lost my track of thought when I felt the couch dip next to me and someone throwing their arm over my shoulder.

Once again, the feeling of nausea was returning. The pit in my stomach was turning.

“So, what’s your name? Jasmine? Jade? Am I close?” He says, reaching out to twiddle his fingers around my “J” necklace.

I quickly grab my necklace from his grasp.

“No, my name is (Y/N). The J is my boyfriend’s initial. His name is Jasper.” I snapped at him.

“Oh, so where is your boyfriend, then? Why would he leave you all alone? Doesn’t seem like he cares very much if you’re alone all the time, or if you came here alone.” He said in a whisper as he caressed my arm. I could smell the liquor on his breath.

I wish I knew where he was.

“He does, he’s busy doing something important.” I said harshly as I pull my arm away quickly.

My phone begins to go off in my pocket, I get up to look at the screen. It’s an unknown number. Hell I’d answer anyone, even a spam call, to get out of this situation right now.

“Hello?” I say into the phone, happy just to have a break in whatever that situation was turning into.

“(Y/N), leave. Now.” It was Alice.

“Alice?” I basically scream into the phone.

“(Y/N), please leave. Never speak to them again. Get out, go home.” She says as I hear the call end.

I ran out of the house, started my car, and left. My worries weren’t for nothing. They were going to hurt me.

But as I drove home, none of that really stayed on my mind.

Alice called me; I couldn’t even trace a number. I couldn’t call back. For once I felt like they were real again. I began to cry, I missed them so much. The most I heard from them in months was a fifteen second phone call. I didn’t get to talk, it was just so I wouldn’t let myself get hurt.

I pulled into my usual parking spot and headed up to my dorm room. Hoping that this semester ends soon enough. I only have two weeks before Winter break. This couldn’t come sooner.

I crawled into my bed, staring at the J on my necklace until I fell asleep.

 Jasper’s POV

Hearing the phone call was too much for me.

Hearing about Alice’s vision was too much for me.

This was all too much for me. I needed to see (Y/N).

I needed to go there and kill every single one of them. If it wasn’t for Emmett and Carlisle holding me back and calming me down, I’m not sure I wouldn’t have been able to stop myself.

I was sick of just hoping my fragile (Y/N) would be okay. It wasn’t enough for me that Alice was watching with her visions.

I have an anger so deep within me that I could destroy anything in my path. So that’s what I did with Emmett. We went outside and broke boulders about fifteen miles from where we were staying. It was how I was gonna keep myself calm.

“I’m really sorry Jasper.” Emmett says to me.

“Thank you, Emmett.” I look back at him.

“We all miss her too, I know it’s different. But it hurts us too. I wish she could’ve come. But we’ll see her soon.” He says to me.

“I want it more than anything. I would also like to show up to that party.” My voice trailed off. If vampires could cry, I’d have been crying from the start of this conversation.

“I know, but we can’t. We have to be happy nothing happened to her. So I really can’t let you go do that.” He pats the back of my left shoulder.

I nodded to him. Emmett was truly the best brother I could ask for. Rosalie picked an amazing mate, and I owe her one for that.

“Do you smell that?” He says, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

“Bears?” I say, a little bit of the predator side in me taking over.

“Yeah, I think it’s time for dinner.” He says smirking.

And just like that we were off, racing to find a bear.

 *********

Word Count: 2973

[molzies-fanfics]

Cruisin’

A/N: I’m really glad for my first Leo one shot that someone gave me the basic plot points because honestly writing for Leo is gonna go one of two ways for me, I’m either going to write him super out of character (or base him off of OOTS which might not be the best idea in my opinion) or it will be in character for this type of fic and you guys will like it. But I promise I’ll get better at writing for Leo either way. 

Updated A/N: I ended up writing so much for this but I’m so happy with what I wrote even if it is a little out of character. (2979 words)

Leo x female!reader

Requested by: @iamcheese13​

Leo had made a habit of trying to leave without anybody noticing and hoping to god they just assumed he was in his room, meditating. But Donnie had knocked on his door and opened it to see if he was there to only come up empty three times this week. THREE TIMES. It was incredibly unlike the fearless leader to just vanish without telling the rest of his team, his brothers, where he was going. Raph knew how brutal he was whenever he came back from a trip to the surface by himself, it was like Leo was the mother hen but no one knew who would tell him off. Splinter? Yeah but it wasn’t like Leo was actually doing anything wrong.

 Going up to the surface for a breath of fresh air wasn’t against the rules or whatever. It was the part about not telling his family that stuck out. Eventually even April and Casey started to notice that they saw less and less of the blue banded turtle. Suspicions were starting to grow and it just got to the point where they knew they had to follow him. If he was going out almost five times a week? Something was definitely up.

 Following him down to the docks? It was a bit unexpected but it wasn’t like they knew where he was going. Stalking a ninja without being noticed was the hard part, with all the falling behind they did (especially with April and Casey) it was surprising that they hadn’t lost Leo at some point. Watching him walk into an abandoned warehouse was even more sketchy than they thought, so his brothers assumed that he was either being black mailed or he was dealing with crime directly…by himself.

 A couple minutes passed and they saw a young girl, around their age, jump down from a boat and make her way into the warehouse with a bright smile on her face. Raph was having none of it, “What if she’s working for the foot?” he whisper shouted to his accomplices. It was a reasonable question, but as far as the brothers knew, Leo was alone with that girl in there.

 *Leo’s POV*

 I had been meeting up with her for a couple months now, meeting her by accident when I was out by myself one night near the docks. I liked to stare at the water to help me calm down and this was after a particularly nasty fight with Raphael. Next thing I knew, the wooden roof underneath me had gave way and I blacked out. When I woke up she was there, hovering over me and tending to what little wounds I had. She had somehow managed to carry me to her boat and had me resting on her sofa bed.

The way she looked at me wasn’t with fear or hatred, but concern and dare I say kindness. I learnt that her name was Y/N and she had loved the water all her life, when she was a kid she’d tell grown ups she wanted to be a mermaid when she was older. She loves all marine life, she told me turtles were her favorites, which (almost embarrassingly) made me blush. Hopefully I don’t think she noticed.

We became friends and for some reason I wanted to keep her friendship to myself. Which led to the sneaking out, not telling my brothers or my father where I was going, who I was meeting and why I went I meet them so often. You see, Y/N lived by herself, she didn’t have many friends in the city and all she had was her boat and everything on it. I barely fit under the deck so we ended up meeting in a warehouse nearby, it was warmer and had a lot more space.

Seeing her almost every day helped me regain my belief, that what we were doing for the city was worth it. That even when the people we saved ran away screaming, it was okay because they were safe and not everybody was going to be accepting to who we are or what we do. Even if all we did was help from the shadows, at the end of the day it was better than nobody helping at all.

But tonight? I wasn’t expecting things to go differently. I was expecting an easy going conversation with a girl that I considered as my friend…and nothing else! Nope. But no, my family had to step in at some point. I just wasn’t expecting it to be so…awkward.

“So I told her that yes I do live on a boat but that it’s also none of her business!” Y/N was rambling about how her day had went, especially since she’d ran into someone she had known from high school. She had only graduated last year but nonetheless she wasn’t comfortable with people judging how she lived her life. “Good for you.” I chuckled warmly. Watching Y/N talk had slowly became one of my favorite things, maybe it was the way she described things or how she moved as she reenacted scenes but all I did know was that she looked beautiful. Wait, what?

A sharp tone sounded from Y/N’s bag, taking the irritating device out she answered it. “Oh! Hi Mom.” She blushed as she turned to face me, indicating the door she mouthed to me ‘Is it okay if I take this?’. I nodded, as if she had to ask, I knew she didn’t talk to her parents that often so who was I to say she couldn’t take a phone call?

Shooting me a bright smile before she scooted out the door, she gave me a small wave. I was still waving back even after she had closed the door. What was I doing? All we ever did was talk but I found myself wanting…more? God, just having her as my friend was enough and I was grateful for that but it felt like I had known for a long time that I was looking for a lot more than friendship. Maybe this was why I had kept her away from the others?

*Third person POV*

Crawling through one of the many warehouse windows, the others gazed down at Leo. He was alone and looked a bit…sad? Raph couldn’t help but feel like he was right, maybe the girl was working for the foot and had only just revealed it to Leo after he had given her all the information. On the other hand he should probably check in with his brother before jumping the gun, like he had ever done that before? There was something about how Leo was holding himself that made Raph think twice.

Jumping down, the others followed, with Casey falling into a pile of boxes becoming a clear indicator to Leo that he was no longer alone. Shooting up from his makeshift chair (a crate) Leo skittishly met the eyes of his brothers. “Oh-Hey! Hey guys…what’s up?” Blushing all kinds of shades of green, Leonardo internally face palmed at how he handled their arrival.

“What’s up? What’s up! You have been leaving the lair without telling us for months Leo! Months! We’re worried! That’s what’s up!” Raph yelled. He may not have jumped the gun but he still had a right to be angry. “I’ve…I’ve been busy Raph.” He mumbled pathetically, embarrassed. “Busy? How can you be busy? You haven’t got many hobbies besides taking down the foot! So unless you’ve been doing missions by yourself I want to know exactly what you’re doing?! No excuses!” Raph questioned harshly, Donnie and Mikey just looked disappointed with April and Casey awkwardly standing there witness the family argue. Well, one-sidely argue.

“I…met someone.” The leader muttered, hoping it wouldn’t go as badly as it had so far. “Oh you mean that girl? Who is she? Do you even know Leo? She could be working for the bad guys did that even cross your mind?!” The ran banded turtle accused. “She’s my friend and she saved me! If she was our enemy she would have left me! Or she would’ve hurt me by now, she wouldn’t have let it go on for this long!!” He finally snapped, not wanting Raph to turn his anger to Y/N. She didn’t deserve it after all she had done.

“Look bro just because you got a girlfriend doesn’t give you the right to just flake out on us and not tell us.” Mikey rubbed his arm, sad that all of the lying had to lead to this (but realistically how else was it going to turn out). “Mike I never meant for-wait you think she’s my girlfriend?” Leo’s blush returned in full force. The fact that other people saw it too made him think he wasn’t going crazy? “Well she is. Isn’t she?” April perked up.

“Uhhh-” Before Leo had a chance to explain the warehouse door creaked open. “Hey sorry that took so long my mom wanted to tell me about…macarons?” You seemed to question yourself as your eyes met the three other turtle men and two people. “Um…Hi?” You waved awkwardly, making your way over to Leo. “You didn’t tell me there were others like you?” You laid your doe eyes on him and all of a sudden it felt like his legs were made of jelly.

“Um, I didn’t know when to bring it up?” His voice squeaked as he smiled uneasily. “Well anyway, I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you!” You beamed as you looked back at the turtles, making eye contact with the one that seemed to be glaring at you. “Huh, I’m sure you’d love for him to tell you everything wouldn’t you?” Raph snarked “Raph don’t.” Donnie finally spoke up. “No, maybe I should because nobody else will, not even Leo! Who’s supposed to be our fearless leader. It’s ridiculous! He’s so distracted he has no idea if she’s gonna stab him in the back or not.” Donatello glared at his brother as he made his argument right in front of you.

“Wait, you think I’m going to betray your trust?” Turning back to Leo, you needed to know if this was true. “My brothers do. I don’t think you would.” You could tell he was being sincere by how he was looking into your eyes. It made you want to melt. “Hey! Don’t group us into Raph’s spiel! We don’t even know her yet. Besides I don’t see why this is so different from when we met April and Casey.” Mikey reasoned. “Mike’s right. I’m April by the way.” She shook your hand, smiling warmly. “I’m Casey.” He introduced by waving behind the reporter.

“And I’m Michelangelo! Leo’s younger brother and the best looking of the group!” He winked as he slung an arm around you. Jealousy flared up in him for a moment, he shoved him off of you. “Sorry about him, he doesn’t know personal space is a thing!” He growled at the orange banded brother. You laughed at the interaction, “I didn’t know they were your brothers! That’s so cool!” Placing a hand on Leo’s arm you watched him calm down at your touch.

“Anyway I’m Donatello, some would say I’m the brains either way I’m far more intelligent than these knuckleheads.” The purple banded turtle quipped before Raph could throw a punch at him. You were still a bit nervous about him, he clearly didn’t trust you and was very protective of Leo and his family. “Don’t worry, if the others are okay, Raph will be too. He just needs time.” It was as if Leo could read your mind. With the amount of time you two had spending together lately, you wouldn’t be surprised if he had picked up on your mannerisms.

*a couple hours later*

“I mean…it wouldn’t be all that bad if Leo brought you by the lair sometime. Maybe even meet master Splinter.” Raph admitted. You’d thought it would take a couple of days, months maybe to earn even a shred of trust. Although the way you treated and held yourself around his brothers convinced him that you didn’t have a malicious bone in your body.

“Thanks Raphael.” You smiled politely, trying your best to not show how tired you really were. The others had called it quits for the night after hanging out for a bit, dawn was almost here and the turtles couldn’t be seen in daylight hours. “I’ll see you all soon, alright?” Patting down your pockets, you started to back away, double checking you hadn’t forgotten anything. “Aw hell yeah! Next time we see you, we’re playing Mario kart ‘kay?” Mikey pointed finger guns at you before bounding away. “Sure!” you giggled.

Donnie nodded, bowing slightly before walking alongside April and Casey who were yawning, leaning against each other. “I’ll walk you back to the boat.” Leo offered, giving you that smile with all the warm feelings behind it. “Thanks.” You grinned back, kicking the snow in your path into the frigid water below. Living at the docks was usually cold, but with Leo around it made you forget how alone you were, how cold reality was. You wish he was around more often but after tonight you realized how much he had given up just to come and see you. Even though what he did was wrong it made you feel…special, like you were special to him.

“Is it true you snuck away from your family just to see me?” Curiosity boiled over, the look on Leo’s face confirmed it. He felt guilty, you know that, but had it been worth it? “Yeah…it’s true. I just, didn’t know how to tell them…how to tell you, I can’t even imagine what master splinter would say if he found out I got knocked out so easily and was rescued by…you.” It seemed a bit back handed the way he had phrased it, like his father wouldn’t like you, but the way he had said it was completely different. His whole demeanor had turned soft and a short walk felt like it lasted an eternity.

When you reached the boat, facing him before saying goodbye, searching for the words you knew you had to say. Leo beat you to it. “I don’t want to make anything awkward between us after tonight. I hope you know that the last couple of months have been really…special, to me. I just want to know if they’ve been special to you too.” He admitted albeit sheepishly. “Of course they have Leonardo. I don’t think I could ever be awkward around you, if anything you calm me down. Even that night when I found you out cold in the shed, I knew I should have been panicking but knowing you needed help, my help, calmed me right down. Somehow I found the strength to get you back.” You let a little laugh, feelings bubbling beneath your words. You just wondered if he felt it too.

“I’m happy to have you in my life and I knew that meant introducing you to my family eventually. I just wasn’t expecting it to be in the form of an interrogation.” You both burst out laughing at that one. Starting to see color in your peripheral vision, you knew the sun was waking up. “Leo tonight was awesome, I don’t mind that you kept your family a secret, for whatever reason. Besides I look forward to beating Mikey at Mario kart.” Chuckling uneasily, you didn’t want to say goodbye, even if you were going to see him the next night. It had become less and less easy as your feelings towards him had grown. He gave you a half smile before stepping forward, the beginnings of sunlight glinting in his eyes. Your heart rate picked up as you realized you were practically chest to chest. “I’ll see you tonight.” He breathed. You could…you wanted to, but was it the right moment? Of course it was, but you could tell he was nervous underneath. His eyes were searching every other part of your fave besides your eyes and…lips. “See you.” You whispered slowly, dragging out the moment.

That was when his eyes met your lips, his head tilted slightly, sun rays creeping dangerously up his skin. All it took was breaking down the last of your resolve and trusting your toes to carry you the rest of the way. It was a brief brushing of lips, eyes meeting before he wrapped his arm around your back, his other hand cupping your cheek. He was surprisingly warm, each kiss told you that, even with your eyes closed you could tell he was smiling. He was buzzing with such happy energy. Wrapping your arms around his head in a prom-esque kind of way, you leaned into him, soaking in all the warmth before he pulled away for air. 

You could see the sun rising in the blue, but you knew he was staring at you. “I really wish I didn’t have to go right now. I wish I could stay.” Leaning his forehead on yours, his hands on your hips now. All you could do was smile up at him. “Just think of it as something to look forward to tonight.” You smirked. “Heh, I tried to tell Mikey that I wasn’t ‘cruising’ or whatever but I realized tonight I kind of was.” He flirted back, kind of. “You tell yourself that honor boy, I’m the one who found you in the shed.” You laughed before giving him a gentle push.

“See you.” He pecked your lips again before finally separating from you. “See you then.” Beaming, you stepped onto the boat, watching him jog away with a wide grin on his face. Before you knew it he was out of sight and you were doing a little victory dance.