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twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat · 5 months ago

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FIREFLIES NEVER CAME ; SATORU GOJO

synopsis; your seat is close to the heater. that’s the only reason gojo comes there to warm up.

word count; 4.2k

contents; satoru gojo/reader, gn!reader, teen!satoru, set in a canon au, mutual pining, fluff, a little bittersweet (melancholic winter vibes <3), introvert/extrovert, reader is antisocial and dense as a brick (black cat vibes :3), also kind of self-deprecating, satoru is very shoujo manga coded, just lots of puppy love!! feat. wingman!suguru <3

a/n; this wasn’t meant to be a fic …… it was gonna be really short and sweet ……… (T_T) anyway i am very fond of this reader/character dynamic so i hope you enjoy reading abt my emotionally stunted kids 🫶 biggest mwah in the world dedicated to professor logan (@staryukis) for teaching me about physics so i could find a loophole in satoru’s infinity :3c all for the sake of lore-accurate (kinda) fluff <3

”what are you listening to?”

your seat is close to the heater.

it was nothing but a lucky draw, really. yaga-sensei was organizing the desks when you transferred, and so he gave you the first choice; one you had no trouble making, latching on to the chair in the very back, right by the window, right by the sole heater of the room. vital for surviving your chilly winter classes.

so there you sit. a warmth sneaks through your fuzzy socks, tends to your restless legs. your feet tap and tap, on the cold floorboards, in rhythm with your never-ending thoughts, spinning like a planet in orbit.

through the fogged-up, frosted glass of the window to your left, you observe the world. headphones covering your ears, safe and snug, muffling all noise. you watch as snow falls, wholly entranced, eyes stuck on the icy snowflakes descending from the wool-gray sky — blanketing the frostbitten landscape of the courtyard. it’s pretty, all those skeletal trees, glittering and gleaming like they have something to say. sometimes they look like stars.

”… hey. did you hear me?”

gojo is being particularly chatty, today.

out of the corner of your eye, you see him wave his hand right in front of your face. you’re almost certain he doesn’t realize that it’s rude; he must be used to all eyes being on him, from the moment he speaks.

with a flutter of your lashes, you lift your weary head. meeting his gaze, the blurry shine of your own visage, reflected in his circle-frame glasses. a soft tilt of his head, and then his lips are twitching upwards, just barely, snowy strands gliding across his forehead and falling over his face. like an excited puppy.

”what are you listening to?”

you read the words off his lips, all sound muffled by your headphones. quick to lift one of your hands, pulling one of the heavy ear cushions away — letting all white noise in the room flood your senses. the snarls of the wind outside, ieiri’s laughter, the scribbling of geto’s pen against paper.

it’s overwhelming, but a small price to pay. his voice is softer than usual, during moments like these; there’s a pleasant lull to it.

gojo tips his head to the right, still awaiting your response. all you can do is stare, watching your own reflection, fingers gripping onto the edge of your desk. as if seeking to ground yourself.

with a spoonful of hesitance, you part your lips.

”… do you like music?”

the words seep out into the air, a softly exhaled breath. gojo watches you, silently, for just a moment.

then he gives you a shrug.

”i guess?” he hums, shifting his weight from one foot to another — hand slipping into the pocket of his uniform. ”that’s more suguru’s thing.”

ah.

your mouth forms around the syllable, as if responding, but not making any sound. gaze fleeing from his glasses, crumbling under their weight, straying towards the frosted window to your left. safe, familiar, rotting trees and twitching branches. snow just as pure as the boy in front of you.

silence overtakes you both, once more.

”... not gonna answer?” he asks, with another tilt of his head, absently rocking side to side as he lets out an exhale. ”is it a secret, or something?”

(it is, you think. but you can’t say it out loud.)

before you can part your lips again, the classroom door slides open — and you know it’s yaga-sensei just by the way his feet hit the floorboards, the decisive weight behind every step. you know even before he’s telling you to get back to your seats.

on cue, gojo stands up straighter, shooting you another glance. bright-eyed, easy-going, every star in the sky leaping out from the glimpse you get of his eyes when he angles his body. two blue pools, flecked with white, like frozen puddles in the street.

and then he’s strolling away.

gojo leaves, and you take off your headphones; stretching your legs underneath the desk. reaching for your ballpoint pencil, flipping open your textbook, and indulging in sleepy blinks, as yaga begins to drone on and on. you stifle a yawn with the sleeve of your blazer, resting your jaw on the heel of your palm. eyes inevitably straying towards a head of white hair.

but your name is called before you can get lost in your daydreams.

”page 27, from the top.”

your chair scrapes against the floorboards, as you sluggishly stand up. holding onto your textbook, flipping the pages until you land on the correct passage. with shaky hands, not enough to notice, you read out loud; voice controlled, almost monotone. all you can think is that you feel his frost-clad eyes on you, from the row straight ahead.

but you continue to speak. you speak until you reach the end of the page, until you’re allowed to take your seat again, happy to feel the warmth of the heater radiate against your legs. it’s this warmth that’s important, the most important thing of all.

without it, gojo wouldn’t bother to stop by your desk.

nearly every recess, as soon as yaga leaves the classroom, he’s waltzing over — leaning against the wall, stretching his arms out, purring contentedly as heat spreads throughout his body. you think he must run cold. chatting with you, just to pass the time, just until your teacher comes back. just to warm up.

then he’s leaving, again.

that’s all it is. a cold boy, and a heater by your desk — a conversation that otherwise wouldn’t have occured. even the strongest is vulnerable to changes in temperature, you suppose.

though if warmth is all that binds him to you, it’s bound to dwindle away.

(you’re sure he’ll stop as soon as spring comes.)

the next day, gojo is nowhere to be seen. you saw yaga-sensei drag him out of the classroom this morning; something about a clan meeting, something you weren’t paying attention to.

but now you wish you had.

(it’s quiet, without him around. eerily so.)

with nothing to lose, and nothing else to do — you push your chair away from your desk, and walk up to your classmate, a question on your mind.

”… music? are you looking for recommendations?”

you nod.

geto blinks. caught off guard, you’re sure, surprised that you’d approach him without any prior coaxing. he’s usually the one striking up a conversation with you, like a responsible class president, making sure the weird kid doesn’t feel left out. you’re almost certain he doesn’t realize that it’s patronizing.

”hmm... well, that depends.” he gives you a smile, soft around the edges. it never feels as genuine as gojo’s, but it’s calming. ”what kind of music do you usually listen to?”

…

you glance down at the floor. bundling up the cuffs of your uniform, fingers clawing softly at the fabric, bottom lip trapped between two sets of teeth.

”… what kind of music does gojo like?”

silence. your words are barely spoken, just above a whisper, just like always, but geto picks up on them anyway. you can tell he does, can feel the weight of his keen eyes on your face. analytical.

then he parts his lips.

”… ohhh.” a low hum, ripe with meaning, buzzing at the bottom of his throat. the corners of his lips quirk up into a knowing smile. ”i see.”

heat rushes to your cheeks, blossoms under your skin. if he notices, he’s even more composed than you thought he was, because he doesn’t mention it. only continues to speak, in that soothing voice, crossing his arms in silent thought.

”hmm…” you follow his gaze, out towards the window, the same webs of frost as always. it’s not snowing, but you still can’t see the blue of the sky. ”i’ve never seen him listen to music before, so i wouldn’t know.”

you can’t help but deflate, at that.

geto only smiles. exhaling, through his nose, mildly humoured — though he’s good at hiding his amusement. ”… what do you think that means?”

a blink. your lashes flutter, as you gaze up at him.

”… huh?”

”satoru doesn’t listen to music, but he wants to know what you’re listening to.” he says the words almost coachingly, like he’s listing off a string of numbers. you realize he must have been listening in on your conversation, but it doesn’t bother you nearly as much as his tone. ”what do you think that means?”

…

(you haven’t got a clue.)

geto lets out a chuckle, laced with mirth, no longer trying to hide it. paired with a soft shake of his head, a crinkle to the corners of his eyes. ”why do you want to know about his taste in music, then?”

(… that’s a good question.)

he seems to notice your hesitance, your apprehension, the way your teeth seek to trap your bottom lip; always the victim of your muddled mind. you know the answer, of course you do — but it isn’t something you want others knowing.

thankfully, geto breaks the silence for you.

”i don’t think you need to try so hard, when it comes to him.” his voice is soft, almost sincere, something warmer than usual. glancing away when you meet his eyes. ”… he isn’t worth the effort, anyway.”

but that’s where he’s wrong.

satoru gojo is a special case. a special person. in the orbit of your life, there’s no star you’d rather keep — no one quite as ripe with colour.

geto couldn’t possibly understand, because gojo is always with him — always orbiting around him. he always will, until you graduate, probably even beyond that. geto has him. they’re the strongest, a pair, always matching their steps to one another. but you only have these quiet days, these chilly classes in between never-ending missions — and that’s all.

when the frost outside the window thaws, gojo will surely stop visiting your desk. your lonely little world.

that’s exactly why — you need to find a song. if you just teach him about something wonderful enough, if you can give him something other than warmth…

(… maybe he’ll stay with you even after spring comes.)

”next time, why don’t you say what’s on your mind?”

geto’s suggestion breaks you out of your thoughts. when you raise your head, to meet the warm pools of amber in his eyes, he gives you a smile. there’s nothing patronizing about the way he’s looking at you now — if anything, you think it may even be slightly fond, but you can never tell what he’s actually feeling. he’s frightening, like that, always a mirror to his circumstances. a chameleon, tilting his head at you.

… though you can’t help but fall victim to the kindness in his eyes. the velveteen purr of his voice.

”i’m sure he’ll appreciate that.”

a nervous pit opens up in your chest, an empty space that gnaws incessantly at your heart. will he?, you want to ask, but it feels like the words are made out of lead. you can’t get them out of your throat.

”… okay,” is all you end up whispering, a soft lull of your tongue. ”i’ll try… thank you.”

geto rewards you with a full smile.

”don’t mention it.”

spring is closer than you thought.

it’s all you can think, when you step onto the pavement, when you feel the morning air gnaw at your frostbitten cheeks. it’s freezing, it’s winter, but the signs of changing seasons are still there — a lonesome snowdrop, the crackle of an icy puddle beneath your feet. the frost is beginning to thaw.

in a month or so, spring will be here — there’s no stopping it.

”did you bring your card?”

your headphones rest around your neck, allowing you to listen in on your classmates' conversation. all four of you are together, for once, all first-years, walking towards the nearest konbini — at gojo’s insistence.

it’s been a week since you had that talk with geto, but you still haven’t made any progress with him.

”huh? was i supposed to?”

”… are you kidding me?”

you glance up at the pair. always walking just a little bit ahead, their tall statures obscuring the view in front of you; shoko lags behind, with lazy steps, a trail of tobacco drifting out into the crispy air. all while snowflakes fall from the sky, gently, landing in your hair, on your shoulders, melting on the inside of your palm when you hold it out to catch them. watching as they turn into droplets of water, slip through the gaps between your fingers.

someone taps your shoulder.

geto has snowflakes stuck in his hair. they’re melting, in the strands of ink-black framing his face, matching the colour of the thick polo jacket he’s wearing. a bright red scarf is tied around his throat, and there’s a weighty look in his eyes — something telling.

a silent cue.

he falls back, slowly but surely, into ieiri’s lazy pace. not before murmuring something unintelligible to gojo, and shooting you a wink — one that makes you frown, confused, a low heat blooming at the base of your spine and crawling up your neck.

and then you realize what he’s done.

gojo is looking right at you, through the black glass of his specs. only wearing a baseball jacket, no gloves or scarves to keep him warm, despite the harsh bite of the open air. for a guy who runs cold, he must not put much thought into his clothing.

more importantly…

it’s just the two of you, now.

you blink at him, silent as a mouse. it only takes a moment for him to start moving, for you to follow, taking your place beside him while staring right ahead. if he’s bothered by geto slinking away, he doesn’t show it — only continues to walk.

”… that’s so unfair.”

gojo’s voice breaks the silence. you turn your head to gaze at him, the way his lips wrap around the vowels, haphazardly hanging onto every word he speaks.

”just ’cause i have clan money,” he kicks at a pebble on the side of the road, wisps of white hair swaying with a shake of his head, ”suguru thinks i should pay for our snacks. isn’t that unfair?”

you hesitate. then you nod along, absently.

he seems to take that as a yes, because it makes him brighten — as if gleaming with your approval, standing a little straighter, puffing out his chest with an exhale that turns into white smoke.

”right? they only give it to me because they want me to come back to kyoto, anyway…” he trails off, holding the tip of his tongue between his lips. ”… not that it matters. anyway, i just think he’s oppressive.”

”… mm.”

from this angle, you can see a sliver of his eyes. can see the way he steals a glance at you, without even turning his head — hands slipping into his pockets. there’s a moment of silence, until he’s parting his lips again.

”… i can buy some for you, though.”

(you barely pick up on the words, spoken almost in a whisper — as if an afterthought.)

he clears his throat.

”… if you don’t have the money, i mean.”

you can’t help but blink, at that — lashes fluttering in rapid succession, wondering if you heard him correctly. he doesn’t seem keen on elaborating, though. walking on, ignoring all snowflakes descending from the sky, eager to nuzzle in between his locks. his infinity keeps them out.

”… why?”

it’s all you can say. all you can verbalize.

(in a story like this, why would the brightest star of all orbit around someone like you?)

gojo gives you another glance. his iris cuts into your skin, observes you on what you’re sure must be a molecular level. he lets silence linger, for a moment, tipping his head back to look up at the sky.

gray, and more gray. flecks of white. you’d see the same thing he does.

”hmm…” he lets out a breath, head falling forward again, snowy strands ghosting against the skin of his forehead. ”let’s call it a trade.”

another series of blinks.

gojo turns towards you, then — a fresh grin blooming on his lips. white teeth, pink gums. it makes him look boyish, innocent, just another city boy with too much time on his hands.

”i buy you snacks — and you tell me what music you’re always listening to.” he bends his body forward, tilts his head at the same time, all lanky and charming, like a big cat. ”deal?”

you stay silent.

he’s looking at your headphones, still left neglected around your neck. your gaze falls down to the icy concrete, the thin layer of frost, waiting to be melted by the first sunrays of spring. whenever that will be.

geto and shoko are still behind you — you can hear their low, muffled chatter, smell the remnants of tobacco in the air. and you swear you can practically hear geto’s words, echoing through your head.

(why do you think that is?)

gojo is still looking at you. expectantly, lips curled up into a lazy smile. he’s waiting, you know he is, and you also know he isn’t very good at that. you know a lot of things — what you don’t know is what to say. you don’t know if you can believe in whatever geto was insinuating, don’t know if you can grapple with your own longing to do so.

(next time, why don’t you say what’s on your mind?)

geto doesn’t get it. he doesn’t know what your feelings towards gojo truly look like. doesn’t know that what’s on your mind when he’s around is always something horrifically embarrassing. something like, i want to know more about you, or maybe i wish i could tell you more about me. something awfully cheesy, like — i’m jealous of how bright you shine, but i can’t help but like you anyway.

if i become your friend, would it be okay to say i understand your loneliness? that i notice it, even just by a fraction?

would that be okay with you?

(words that should be left unspoken.)

”… well, it’s not like you have to.” gojo exhales, again, the words a heavy weight seeping past his throat. his shoulders slump, as he turns forward, fingers trailing up to scratch at the back of his neck.

all you can think is that he’s getting ready to leave. that nothing will change, at this rate, that spring will wash winter away. that geto should be more direct with his advice, and that if it’s not the music itself that gojo is interested in knowing more about, then surely —

” — i don’t listen to anything.”

gojo stills. the words have flown past your lips before you can reach out and grasp them, slicing through the open air.

he spins around, glasses slipping down the bridge of his nose at the sudden motion, exposing his widened eyes. those white lashes, fluttering softly, like a pair of doves eager to get above ground. you grip onto the insides of your pockets, warm and cozy against your freezing hands — it grounds you, keeps you tethered down to earth, down to him.

”music,” you continue, sputtering slightly, as if your lungs don’t quite know how to work under pressure. winter air seeps into your windpipe, cuts the skin there. ”i don’t listen to music.”

you lift your hands, fingers curling around the soft earmuffs wrapped around your neck, hesitantly meeting gojo’s gaze — an overlapping sequence, blanketing his view. then you’re gazing down.

”it’s just… comforting,” you try to explain, speaking softly. ”to wear them. white noise.. tires me out, so…”

the sentence trails off, unfinished. you feel silly. silly for saying anything at all, for building it up so much. silly for being the way that you are.

but when you look up at gojo, he’s brightened like a star.

white teeth, pink gums, that breathtakingly boyish grin. his blue eyes gleam with colour, almost spilling over the corners, like watercolour paint on a too-small canvas. he tilts his head, looking at you carefully, as if truly seeing you for the first time; absently swaying side to side.

if he had a tail, you’re sure it’d be wagging.

”i see!”

a silent breath spills into the air. your lips part, but no sound comes out, only vapour; heart pumping blood through your writhing veins, warming you up from the inside, a co-conspirator to the heat blooming in your cheeks. gojo continues to speak.

”i guess that counts,” he nods, crossing his arms with a satisfied hum. ”alright. i’ll get you any snacks you want! you can be greedy, it’s okay.”

a murmur of thanks escapes you, although you’d like to tell him there’s no need. something tells you denying him this would be like taking another step backwards, in this budding connection between you.

(… if you can even call it that.)

geto and ieiri catch up to your unmoving figures, finally, and only then does gojo spin on his heel and pick up his previous pace. calling back to you over his shoulder, a smile you can’t see but still hear.

”just don’t give any of it to those two, yeah?”

”cheapskate,” ieiri calls back, lone cigarette hanging between her lips. geto lets out something like a chuckle, his shoulder brushing up against yours.

you watch gojo’s back as he moves forward. unbothered, untethered. you think of him a snowflake in the breeze.

spring is almost here, now. it’s a bittersweet feeling, to know your conversations during recess will surely dwindle out — but at least you’ll have had this. one normal conversation, the knowledge that he was curious about you, even if you may just be the classmate by the heater in his eyes.

you’re too cold to keep him warm all on your own, so there’s no helping it. you’re willing to accept that some stars only show from the surface during winter.

you’re willing to accept this. it aches, a little, but you’ll be okay.

”i’ll take it things went well, then?”

geto is wearing his signature smile, when you look up at him. an expression of carefully concealed composure, lips curled up, but a knowing look in his eyes — something that borders on teasing.

you give him a nod, a bow of your head, to silently convey your appreciation. chameleon or not, you don’t really mind his ways. it’s hard to fake the warmth in his voice, when he speaks.

”i’m glad.”

the two of you watch gojo’s back, like birds gazing out at a body of water. silence lingers.

”won’t that moron get cold?”

ieiri’s voice cuts through the mold of your mind, low and gravelly, right beside you. she’s pointing towards gojo — the flimsy jacket he’s wearing.

you’re wondering the same thing.

geto casts her a glance over your head, before gazing down at you, seemingly noticing your curiosity. he lets out a low hum; reaching a hand out to brush away the snowflakes on his shoulders.

”temperature,” he begins, slipping his hands into his pockets; that familiar coaching tone to his voice, purposefully slow. ”is just a measure of atoms in rapid motion.”

you tilt your head, in tandem with ieiri — looking to your classmate for further elaboration. he seems to enjoy your confusion, lips curling up just a bit. gojo calls out to you, in the distance, waving both his hands, and geto returns it with a wave of his own.

an amber eye flicks towards you, an explanation on his tongue. ”his infinity can regulate that motion.”

… another tilt of your head.

geto lets out an amused breath. it scatters out into the air, a cloud of smoke, almost a chuckle.

”basically…” he sighs. ”he does just fine, in the cold. don’t worry about it. he’ll keep himself warm.”

ieiri mutters something, beneath her breath, something like you could have just said no, but you don’t really hear it. you think your heart must have climbed up, somehow; got caught in your windpipe.

ah.

gojo can keep himself warm.

the thought spins inside your mind, over and over, a realization that makes your inner palms feel clammy. stupid, silly, this pitter-patter of your heartbeat. but what else could it mean? if the cold doesn’t bother him, if he doesn’t run cold, then…

(he wouldn’t need it. he wouldn’t need it here, wouldn’t need it during recess, within the chilly walls of your classroom. he wouldn’t need it to stay warm.

gojo isn’t after your heater. if that’s true, then…)

…

you bury your nose in the soft wool of your scarf. breathing in the fading scent, vanilla and cinnamon, grounding you to earth, lingering in your nostrils. distracting you from the rush of warmth, that blooms in the frostbitten apples of your cheeks.

as if sensing your thoughts, or maybe just noticing your embarrassed expression, geto laughs — soft and breathy, shoulders shaking to your left. you hear it, only nuzzling deeper into the comfort of your scarf. feeling your heartbeat spin out of orbit.

in the distance, gojo continues to wave, yelling out something unintelligible. you could mistake him for a star.

spring is almost here, now. in just a month or so, it’ll be at your doorstep — waltzing right in.

(but you aren’t worried.)

#gojo x reader #gojo x you #gojo x y/n #gojo satoru x reader #jjk x reader #jjk x you #gojo fluff #jjk fluff

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4theitgirls · 5 months ago

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productivity apps for self improvement

you know i had to include the ultimate form of social media. pinterest is one of the only truly peaceful social media apps out there and focuses on sharing photos to your themed boards. this app is everything if you’re into making vision boards, moodboards, beauty, productivity, and really anything else. there’s something there for everyone!

finch

this is a wonderful self-care app, in which you take care of a bird while taking care of yourself! this is my new favorite app. i use the free version and it is adorable. the app asks you some questions about your goals and how you feel about self care, and gives you some daily goals based on your answers, but you can delete and add goals of your own. the more you log in and track your goals, the more adventures your bird can go on and the more they grow. i recommend this app to absolutely everyone and i will never shut up about it.

gymshark training

this is a free training app including many different types and styles of workouts. you can search for workouts based on duration, equipment used, the targeted muscle, and so on. you can also add workouts and plans of your own and track your progress.

i am sober

this is my favorite app for if you have something you want to quit. this isn’t just for substances or alcohol, but can also be used for quitting sugar, skin picking, caffeine, fast food, and so many other things. you can track your progress, review your days, make pledges, and connect with others who are struggling with the same thing you are. you are also given motivational quotes and reminders when you log into the app. there is an option for a subscription, but i use the free version and have had no problems with it at all.

study bunny: focus timer

an adorable focus timer where you gain coins with every goal/time you accomplish something with your focus timer and you can spend your coins on cute little accessories for your bunny! the only real issue with this app is that the ads are kind of crazy, and it’s $15 a month to go ad-free.

flora - green focus

this app includes a pomodoro timer and plants a tree in a rural community based on how often you stay focused using the timer on the app. the app does not plant a tree unless you opt for their subscription, which is $2 per year and allows you to plant one tree for 120 hours of focused time. you can also plant a tree every 24 hours with the $10 plan.

focus to-do: focus timer&tasks

this app combines a pomodoro timer with a daily to-do list. the app is free to use, but includes additional features for those with a subscription, which is $3 for every three months or $9 for a lifetime membership.

balance: meditation & sleep

a great app that includes nightly reviews, meditations, and sleep sounds. this app has great reviews, but it’s worth noting that it’s not completely free. it includes a trial, after which is $12 per month, or $70 per year.

insight timer - meditate & sleep

just as it sounds, this is another great app for meditations, ambient sounds for sleep, and progress tracking. there are tons of free things included in the app, but if you want to unlock everything, the premium plan is $10 per month or $60 per year.

structured - daily planner

an app with great reviews intended to help organize your daily tasks into achievable goals and track your progress. the app has basic features for free, but also includes a premium subscription if you want to unlock all the features.

routineflow: guided routines

this app caters to those who have difficulties staying focused and maintaining a set routine by guiding your routine for you and managing your progress. the app gives you one routine for free, but if you want another, you would need to pay for the $30 annual subscription.

how we feel

a wonderful free journaling app developed by therapists and scientists for logging your emotions, talking to other users, and tracking your mood patterns.

gentler streak fitness tracker

if you’re tired of the constant work and grind mentality, this may be the app for you. this app takes a gentler approach to fitness by tracking exercise, giving encouragement, and notifying you if you are overworking yourself. the app itself is free, but certain features require a subscription, which is $8 per month or $50 per year.

glo | yoga and meditation app

glo is a highly rated app for yoga, pilates, and meditation. unlike most of the other apps listed, you can’t really access much on glo for free. to access the full courses, they offer two plans: $30 per month or $245 per year.

waterllama

another adorable app that lets you track your water intake with a cute llama! super motivating and is free for basic features. if you want to unlock all features, the subscription is $7 per year.

mindllama

made by the same people as waterllama, this app allows you to practice and track your meditation and breathwork practice with a cute llama! like waterllama, the app is free, but some features require a subscription, which varies depending on whether you want the premium plan, the anxiety relief plan, or the sleep focused plan.

daily bean - simplest journal

another super cute app that helps you track your days and moods. the app itself is free, but a premium plan is also offered, which is $20 per year.

schmoody: mood & habit tracker

this app aims to help you through depression, anxiety, and/or adhd by helping you track your habits, talk to other users, and give you the resources to get you back on track. the free version includes the “essentials” to support mental health and well-being, but they also offer a premium version, which unlocks more resources and personalized options. the subscription is $15 per month, $60 per year, or $100 for a lifetime membership.

meditation timer - zenitizer

this is a meditation timer that focuses on simplicity and organization while tracking your meditation practice. a free version is available with a limited amount of content, but a premium version is also offered, which is $3 per month, $20 per year, or a $50 one-time payment.

mineral - gratitude journal

this is a free journaling app that is secure in the fact that you have to use face id in order to access your journal. this app is definitely more simple, but effective nonetheless.

focus keeper: productive timer

this app is a popular pomodoro-style timer app. i’ve heard that this app works wonders for many people with adhd. the app is free, but includes additional content and features for those with a subscription.

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batsplat · 1 month ago

Note

okay in an act of gross journalistic malpractice, I realise I'd completely forgotten this controversy coming back in 2020. here's what casey said (x):

At the end of 2015, Casey Stoner said goodbye to Honda and worked as a test rider for Ducati from 2016. Almost five years after returning to Ducati, Stoner reveals why he left Honda. In a YouTube video with fellow countryman Chris Vermeulen, Stoner blames Marc Marquez. "I tried it at Honda at the beginning, but was pushed out by the young gun. He didn't want me there," says Stoner, who worked as a top tester for HRC after his active career. He later helped Ducati develop the Desmosedici. However, Stoner has never taken part in a race since his retirement at the end of 2012.

which livio suppo... uh, quite strongly denied (x):

"If you know Casey and talk to him, he'll say 'believe me' at least twice in ten minutes. He always knows everything. In reality, Marquez wasn't involved in this decision. I can say that," Suppo said at the 'MotoGP RoundTable' . "We informed him, but he did not comment on the matter. I know Marc and I don't think he would have minded racing against Casey. In fact, he probably would have loved it," commented Suppo, who ended his collaboration with Honda at the end of the 2017 MotoGP season and later switched to electric bike manufacturer Thok. According to Suppo, Stoner's comments should not be taken too seriously. The Italian himself had a lasting experience when he and the HRC officials decided not to allow Stoner to race. When Honda's regular rider Dani Pedrosa was unable to take part in a few races at the start of the 2015 season, Stoner offered to take part in the race in Austin. "We were seriously considering it at the time," Suppo says looking back. "In the end, we felt it was better not to do it. There were several reasons for that," the former HRC team manager recalls, explaining: "First of all, (Shuhei) Nakamoto (former HRC vice president; editor's note) had a huge amount of respect for Casey. You must not forget that Casey was the rider who brought HRC a title again after a few years." "Nakamoto didn't want Casey to do anything that would put his reputation in a bad light. It was also a difficult phase of the season for Marc. He had won two titles in a row back then, but in 2015 he struggled with the bike until Barcelona. The start of the season was not easy for him," said Suppo, citing another reason that spoke against Stoner racing. "All in all, we felt it was better not to do it. Casey still thinks I was the one who was against it. That's why he doesn't talk to me anymore. But that's Casey," Suppo notes.

now, look. take that as you will. I'm the last person to deny casey his paranoia, but I also think.......... these guys do have a bit of a habit of gassing up whoever they've worked with last at the expense of everyone else. idk! you can draw your own conclusions about honda's supposed great respect for casey's reputation while simultaneously quietly spreading (dubious) rumours about his supposedly poor testing lap times to the press. casey is paranoid but marc probably did at the very least badmouth casey's performances as a test rider, so. who can say!!

but yeah, given how influential suppo was in both the ducati and the honda stages of casey's career, how casey considered him one of his few allies at ducati and how warmly casey spoke of suppo in his autobiography, it is pretty noteworthy that suppo apparently believes they don't have a relationship anymore because of this controversy. here's another quote from 2020 from an interview suppo gave (x):

"He called us on Sunday evening, already after the Qatar race, taking us by surprise. Nakamoto has always had a special affection for Casey, but he absolutely did not want him to come back and risk making a bad impression. And he said no. Stoner did not take it well, he got very angry with me, convinced that I had made the decision. Our relationship ended, and since then he has never spoken to me again. With Casey everything changes radically, sometimes without even understanding why. It would have been nice to see him come back, but if it had not gone well, criticism and tension would have exploded, distracting Márquez who was fighting to win his third consecutive World Championship. I continue to think that ours was the right decision..."

like it's fascinating it's something casey felt that strongly about. the controversy is one thing but the reasons behind it remain kinda mysterious and something I'm still curious about. why did casey have his one major wobble about his retirement in early 2015, at least to the extent that it's the one time he really did seem to miss racing? was that whole episode a bitter reminder of why he left in the first place? I think part of it is.... the sport spent two years talking plenty about how much casey was missed, whether casey would stay retired, whether casey would race again, about how much honda loved casey and were sad to see him retire, etc etc... and then your test rider and former full time rider who won you your first title in half a decade asks if he can act as a stand-in, and you can't bring yourself to throw him a bone? it's such an odd decision!! and the justification is so weak, like what kind of criticism and tension would have 'exploded' if casey had been a bit mid at cota. casey doesn't even have shooters like that, certainly not back then. do you really think a p12 at cota would have permanently damaged casey's reputation... (which, look, what do I know,, but given track characteristics suiting honda + larger field spread back in those days + casey factor I think would've been Unlikely.) let us all be serious here

that being said. as much as you can probably tell I'm not a massive fan of how honda handled that whole situation, of course there is some truth to the "with casey everything changes radically, sometimes without even understanding why" assertion. he's pretty easy to make an enemy of. in a similar vein: "if you know casey and talk to him, he'll say 'believe me' at least twice in ten minutes. he always knows everything" which is also kinda... a lot. again, it's not necessary [ed. pretend I can type]

I’m not sure if you’ve answered this before but if not could you explain the Casey / Marc Honda beef 😭 I didn’t even know that existed & then I was listening to a podcast the other day that said in 2015 Marc blocked Casey from a wildcard ride to replace Dani for one race when he was out injured??? Like omg!!! And they said Casey even tweeted confirming it (lmao ofc he did) like damn!! Marc comments on his instas sometimes so I thought they were always buds, this surprised me!

well, 'buds' I think would be pushing it. but yeah, not only is this something I've answered before, it's actually the 2nd/3rd asks I got about motogp on here! see here for the 2015 beef and a follow up to that post. I only recently remembered the tweet myself lol... he really was Not happy

this is so passive aggressive I'm crying. really mastered the art of using the :)

to be clear, we don't actually KNOW marc blocked casey. we know that casey BELIEVES marc blocked him, but that is not the same as confirmation that it happened. for context, here is what suppo said at the time:

after 2015, casey left honda - and claimed both that Someone hadn't wanted him to race AND ALSO that marc's camp had pushed him out as a test rider because they'd felt threatened by him. casey has form in accusing his rivals of wrongdoing by Heavily Implying something rather than outright stating it, cf him in his autobiography suggesting Someone inside yamaha hadn't wanted him there,, who knows who that could have been :) *wink wink nudge nudge*

by that point in time, his rhetoric about marc was... idk, warm-ish? without being particularly glowing either. included in one of the above posts, but see this from 2013:

as the local casey translator: from him that's a pretty weighty accusation and the kind of thing he does not look kindly on At All. also appreciated this little two-in-one from 2015, like sure get both of them from me --

-- but yeah. given that he's Retired, casey isn't actually going to start a war over the honda thing - and in a way it's already remarkable and extremely casey that he went as far as he did. him and marc have a fairly respectful and cordial relationship because they weren't ever rivals. casey has no reason to not be polite about and to marc, even if he has his reservations. and a grudge

and again, fwiw we don't KNOW to what extent marc was involved in chasing casey out, if at all. I mean, maybe? we know from marc's own testimony that he is a nightmare of a teammate, we know he's no stranger to honda internal power struggles... but then again, why bother? at most casey could have mildly embarrassed marc (and given that it was cota, even that is.... unlikely). given that casey was simply never going to return to motogp full time, why would you feel threatened by him? there is a lot of he said she said surrounding this entire situation... again nabbing this from the original post, but this kind of thing --

-- you just have blatantly contradictory information, because CASEY was saying that he was on dani's sepang pace in his early 2015 test. I mean, vibes-wise I suppose I'm not sure I'm convinced that casey was so off the pace in 2015 that he was useless as a test rider and unfeasible as a wild card rider. vibes-wise I also don't think that sounds like the kind of thing casey himself would be completely deluded about? he wouldn't want to compete if he was slow... suppo saying that casey has never raced at cota anymore is?? it's casey, it's not like it really matters that he's unfamiliar with the track - and suppo of all people should surely know as much. as for hrc saying that he was a second off the pace at sepang early in 2015... idk man. if that's true, I just don't quite buy that casey would have wanted to race in the first place

and we do actually have a piece of evidence that at the very least sits uneasily with the assertion of everyone at honda that casey was Simply Too Slow in 2015. upon leaving honda casey became a test rider at ducati - and in his expanded role actually immediately took part in like,, a proper test where he shared the track with other riders in early 2016. and where else could this happy on-track reunion have taken place - other than at sepang

now, look. I don't know either way. I'm just presenting the evidence here and you can make up your own mind. it is possible that casey - the man who was renowned for being fast the second he touches any bike, still only 29-30 years old, not suffering from any acute physical issues at the time - was too slow to be competitive in 2015 on the honda he had helped to develop and had been riding since 2011. (worth pointing out that test riders also do not need to literally be on the pace of the full time riders to be useful in testing.) it is also possible that casey then went to ducati and was immediately quicker than his fellow ducati riders, a well-respected set of riders in their own right, on a bike he had not ridden since 2010... despite having been useless on the honda. it is possible. you can decide for yourself if this is likely. who knows. and if you decide that it isn't likely - regardless of what happened within honda during 2015, it does feel pretty poor form that various honda officials were so keen to whisper to the press about how slow casey was. but hey! who knows!

though for the sake of fairness, obviously there is also a certain amount of opportunistic 'jumping on honda's grave' to casey saying stuff like this in the year of our lord 2024:

very much playing into the narrative that marc led honda down the wrong path, aka that marc is responsible for their current malaise. casey's not QUITE saying that, but it's the obvious implication - and he KNOWS that. he knows what he's doing here!! and it's been like,, eight years, he's clearly not exactly Over It, is he. you cannot convince me that casey has not felt at least a little bit of schadenfreude about honda's current plight. come on

in conclusion. who knows what really happened back in 2015... wish I did. look, casey has a tendency towards paranoia. he's a suspicious bloke, he often sees the worst in others... and he's also extremely petty and slow to forgive. this entire thing manages to play into some of his most persistent neuroses - about not being valued, about others playing politics behind his back, about being excluded from another club through no fault of his own. about not being shown the loyalty he felt he was owed. no wonder he took it poorly, no wonder he's still at least a little sore about it in 2024. it shouldn't escape your notice that he made quite a few of these accusations about marc in early 2016, when marc already had rather a lot on his plate. but casey doesn't care! if anything, he'll have been fully aware that the media at the time would be pretty open to a nice little side swipe at marc marquez - it's a receptive environment to casey's narrative. casey's hardly shy about taking advantage of that kind of thing

then again, while I do believe casey could have just cooked this whole thing up in his head with minimal evidence, I simultaneously buy that marc did actually block casey. marc's camp certainly did do a lot to assert itself within honda during that time (famously power-hungry drama-happy manager in the shape of alzamora, lest we forget). so, y'know. maybe this was another way of asserting internal supremacy - and maybe marc really didn't want casey interfering in developmental work. the boring answer is that the truth might lie somewhere in the middle, that marc's camp did try to make life unpleasant for casey within honda without like,, actively forcing him out or vetoing the wild card. it's certainly a very in-character episode for everyone involved. very much the ships that passed in the night of feuding... of course casey would have despised marc if they'd ever been actual teammates, but they both just about managed to avoid that particular bloodbath

#reason i missed this is that it just straight up doesn't show up in google searches anymore lol. i had to organically remember the story #already had strong feelings about this back in 2020 #and TO BE CLEAR i have zero problem with any action marc took to diminish casey's influence in honda. i am a pro asshole blog #but let us call a spade a spade. marc as this sort of egalitarian warrior always seeking out the toughest challenge is blatant revisionism #if we're being honest. whether marc was directly involved or not - the 'distracting marquez' line was the actual justification #do we REALLY think alzamora had zero opinions on casey's return? idk man! in conclusion who can be sure about anything #//ht #//at #cutting off a warm relationship that was like eight years old by this point over THIS is maybe a bit much and very casey. but. but #again personal bias talking but it does make me a lilllll sad that one of the historically biggest casey prop providers talks like this #idk these days it's all very 'gosh casey was soooooo talented. wasn't he talented? man casey what a talent. insane talent. THE talent'#and it's a bit!! come on!! is that all!! in that same interview suppo made it sound like casey would crumble under marc's pressure #and okay we can debate 2008!casey but i take issue with this characterisation of 2011-12!casey. i just do not think this would've been true #he wouldn't have *enjoyed* it and probably would've left sooner rather than later. but that doesn't mean he would've rolled over and died #this is why that recent one word answer thing of casey calling himself calculating and marc (+ dani) talented deeply revealing #like it's about self perception + how u want people to see you. super talent is nice and all but not when u also get called fragile & thick #idk i do like taking the piss out of casey's paranoia bc he is objectively paranoid and i adore him for it. but i do also very much Get It #anyhow casey calling about replacing dani right after seeing that gorgeous valentino qatar win iktr #//#batsplat responds #brr brr

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enhani-ki · 2 months ago

Text

snitch - reader x ni-ki

warnings: very suggestive content, making out, cursing, etc...

you stared out the window of the bus. your legs were bouncing uncontrollably while your hands gripped the strap of your bag.

ni-ki's sister sat next to you with phone in hand but her focus kept drifting back to you. she raised her brow, leaning a little closer. "hey, are you okay?"

you snapped out of your thoughts, blinking rapidly. "huh? yeah, i'm fine."

"no, you're not." she nudged your arm with hers. "you've been weird ever since we left the house. you're quiet, and you're acting… i don't know, nervous or something. what's up?"

you opened your mouth to respond but ended up just sighing as there are no words coming out.

because earlier that day, you were just in ni-ki's room sitting cross-legged on the floor, flipping through magazines while his sister searched his desk drawers.

the room smelled faintly of his cologne. fresh and manly which is a scent that always remain whenever niki's nearby.

"i swear, he never keeps anything organized." she muttered while tossing random things in the room. "i just need to find that charger and then we're out of here."

"uhm, you're invading my space." ni-ki showed up, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed and wearing a smirk in his lips.

"well, i know for a fact that my charger is here." his sister shot him a glare. "why don't you make yourself useful?"

"i am." ni-ki said smugly. "i'm supervising."

you snorted while flipping a page in the magazine.

his gaze snapped to you and you regretted even reacting. ni-ki's smirk widened. "what? jealous i'm not paying attention to you for once?" he teased, stepping into the room.

you scoffed, looking up at him. "don't flatter yourself."

his sister groaned, annoyed that she knows exactly where this is going. "both of you, shut up. i found it." she held up the tangled mess of cords then turned to you. "be right back! i'll just to grab my bag in my room."

"take your time, sis." ni-ki said then stepped aside to let his sister pass.

the door shut behind him with a soft click. suddenly, the room felt smaller. the sound of ni-ki's footsteps creaking of the floor and the faint rustling of the magazine pages are the only thing you could hear.

slowly, you lifted your eyes to look at him and the look on his face just made your heart jump.

"looks like it's just us now." ni-ki said then he bit his lip.

you felt nervous but you did your best to keep your tone calm and steady. "and?"

ni-ki crouched in front of you, so close you could see the faint freckles scattered across his nose.

"and i've been dying to do this."

you blinked... confused, and before you could ask what he meant, his hand cupped your cheek.

the warmth of his touch sent a jolt throughout your body and the next thing you know is that his lips were on yours.

it wasn't soft or gentle. ni-ki kissed you like he couldn't hold it back anymore, like he'd been waiting for this moment and wasn't about to waste it. his thumb traced your neck as his lips moved against yours, leading you into a kiss that's leaving you both breathless.

the magazine slipped from your hands as you melt under all the intensity. your heart is pounding so hard it's drowning out every rational thought.

ni-ki made everything else fade away.

then the sound of footsteps echoed, making ni-ki pull back immediately. his lips were swollen and his breathing has become uneven. he stood up then covered his mouth, casually leaning back against the wall again like nothing had happened.

the door creaked open and his sister walked in, holding her bag. "ready to go?"

you looked down to hide your face and wiped your mouth before looking at his sister. slowly, you stood up and glared at ni-ki but he didn't even look at you.

"yeah." you answered, standing up with shaky legs.

"good. let's go!" his sister said cheerfully. totally oblivious to what happened in the room just a few seconds ago.

and as you followed her out, you dared one last glance over your shoulder. ni-ki was still leaning against the wall, his arms were crossed and there's a faint smirk playing on his lips.

now, you're on the bus and you can't seem to forget the feeling of making out with ni-ki earlier, the way he touched you, the smug smirk he had thrown your way when you're about to walk out... it all played like an endless loop in your mind.

"i'm- i'm just tired." you said finally, forcing a weak smile. "didn't get much sleep last night."

ni-ki's sister didn't seem convinced and her eyes narrowed slightly as she studied your face. you avoided her eyes, trying to focus on the passing buildings outside.

"okay, but you're literally anxious." she gestured toward your legs, which were still bouncing uncontrollably. "is something bothering you? that stupid ni-ki said something dumb again, didn't he?"

your heart jumped when she mentioned ni-ki's name. you clenched your fists. "no!" you said quickly, a little too defensive. "why would you say that?"

she shrugged, leaning back against the seat. "i don't know? he loves annoying you and i know you can't stand him most of the time. i just thought maybe he said something that offended you or made you angry."

you bit your lip as the truth bubbling dangerously close to the surface.

it's not what he said, it's what he did.

"really, i'm fine." you said, trying to steady your voice. "just tired, that's all."

ni-ki's sister watched you for a moment, then she sighed. "alright, if you say so. but seriously, if something's bothering you, you can tell me. you know that, right?"

you nodded while the guilt were slowly growing inside of you. she had no idea what had happened and the thought of telling her made your stomach twist.

how could you admit that her brother, her annoying, unpredictable brother had kissed you and you didn't even push him away?

the bus reached to a stop. you stood up, slinging the bag over your shoulder. "come on, this is us."

you followed her silently, your legs were still shaky as you stepped off the bus. the chill air hit your face but it did little to clear your spinning thoughts.

and as you walked side by side, ni-ki's sister chatted about something that had happened at school but you're barely hearing her words. your mind was still stuck to what happened in ni-ki's room, replaying the way he had kissed you.

fed up, she stopped abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk, turning to face you. "alright, that's it. spill. what's going on with you?"

you shook your head but she continued. "you're acting so weird and i know it's not just because you're tired."

you froze and her stare pinning you in place. your heart pounded in your chest and for a moment, you considered brushing it off again.

"your brother kissed me."

her jaw dropped and she stared at you like you'd just said the most ridiculous thing she have ever heard. "he, what?!"

you swallowed hard, struggling to talk as you felt your cheeks burning. "back at the house. before we left. he… he kissed me."

her mouth opened and closed as she also struggled to form a response. "i-" meanwhile, your heart felt like it might beat out of your chest.

few days later, you and ni-ki's sister agreed to hang out at her house again, though you had to admit, the idea of going back was not easy but when she told you niki that wasn't home, you eventually agreed. you can't see him. you needed a break from everything that had happened, especially after that one hell of a kiss you still couldn't quite process.

you sat into the couch, trying to distract yourself with some random conversation but it wasn't long before her phone starting to buzz like crazy.

"you said he wouldn't be here!" you hissed, glancing nervously at the front door as ni-ki's sister grabbed her bag.

"i didn't know either! he said he wasn't coming home today." she said apologetically. "i'm so sorry, but i really have to go. it's an emergency. you'll be fine, okay? just ignore him or fucking push him."

and before you could protest, she was already out the door. you exhaled, dreading the thought of being alone with him. of course, it was only a few seconds before ni-ki sneaked into the living room.

"well, well, i didn't know there was a rat here." he said with a smirk, dropping onto the couch comfortably.

you rolled your eyes then crossed your arms.

he tilted his head, his smile widening. "you know, i didn't think that you'd actually snitch on me." he added. "you liked it, don't you?"

"oh, please. you're not funny." you scoffed, already annoyed.

he scooted closer, leaning in just enough to invade your space. "honestly, i'd do it again." he said quietly, low tone and teasing. "but i guess you don't like it."

problem was, you did like it. too much.

"can you get off me?" you snapped, trying to push him away but he was quicker. his hands grabbed your arms, holding you in place as he turned you to face him.

ni-ki's grin turned mischievous as he leaned in closer. "relax." he whispered, burying his face in the crook of your neck. his presence making it impossible to think.

"i'll stop, okay?" he said with his voice muffled against your skin. "just... let me stay like this for a minute."

he then eventually shifted, releasing you from his hold. he stood up slowly and instead of walking away, he crouched slightly to bring himself eye-level with you as you sat frozen on the couch.

his hands reached out to gently cup your face, thumbs are brushing against your cheeks and his stare roamed all over your face.

neither of you spoke for a moment. ni-ki's usual teasing aura is gone and replaced by a soft longing look. "sorry if i made you uncomfortable, y/n." he said, voice unusually quiet and sincere. "i won't do it again."

but just as you opened your mouth to respond, ni-ki leaned in. his lips met yours in a kiss that was quick yet impossibly long at the same time. it was firm and deep, stealing every thought from your mind as his hands held your face gently.

the world seemed to stop again and the only thing you could feel is the way his lips molded perfectly against yours.

his lips stayed close for a fraction longer than they should have, as if he couldn't quite bring himself to let go. ni-ki's hands falled from your face then cleared his throat after he straightened himself. for a second, he just stood there, looking at you with an expression you couldn't read.

"that's the last time." he softly then continued. "i promise."

without another word, ni-ki turned and walked away, leaving you stunned, dizzy, with your lips tingling from the kiss.

then the next few days were… strange.

ni-ki didn't tease or corner you, he wasn't smirking at you from across the room and he didn't even invade your space with his confidence. he barely even acknowledged you.

at first, you told yourself this was exactly what you wanted. after all, you'd spent so much time annoyed by his constant teasing. but as the days stretched on? the silence started to hurt you.

and ni-ki was just there, of course. passing by, sitting on the couch when you're coming over to visit his sister. yet, he acted like you didn't exist. no exchanges, banters, no comments, not even a glance in your direction.

it was unsettling.

you found yourself watching him more than you should, waiting for him to say something, anything. but he didn't.

and it drove you crazy.

why isn't he teasing you anymore? why isn't he leaning close, crowding your space, making you breathless, annoyed-

you hated how much you noticed the absence of his attention and you hated it even more when you realized how desperate it made you feel.

it didn't make sense. you had told yourself you couldn't stand him and that his antics were irritating at best. you always want to punch him in his face. but now, without him, your chest felt hollow and your body felt colder than usual.

it was quiet in their house as you leaned against the kitchen counter, scrolling through your phone. you had just been talking to ni-ki's sister before she left to grab something from the store, leaving you alone again.

you heard soft sound of footsteps behind you, and when you turned, there he was. ni-ki, looking handsome as ever.

"where's my sister?" he asked you, eyes briefly flicked to yours.

you gulped after hearing his voice. "she just went to grab something at the store." you replied, trying to keep your cool.

"oh." he nodded and turned to leave.

your heart raced as you watched him about to walk away, something inside you were screaming to do something, to stop him and before you could stop yourself, his name slipped from your lips. "ni-ki..."

he paused, turning his head slightly to look at you over his shoulder. "what?"

you hesitated, looking at his eyes. "it's… nothing." you whispered, immediately regretting it.

ni-ki let out a soft sigh and turned fully towards you, his hands now resting on his hips, inhaling deeply then exhaled slowly before speaking. "just say it." he said, his voice was steady but anticipating.

your throat felt tight but still, the words blurted out before you could overthink them. "i miss you, niki."

for a moment, he froze and internally, he was screaming.

he is screaming.

pure joy rushed through him and it's so loud in his head he could hardly think.

because you missed him. you actually said you missed him.

ni-ki wanted to jump, to shout, to do anything to release the excitement surging through his body but he kept his composure.

he knew he would play this perfectly... the lack of teasing, the distance, he knew you'd miss him, and he would make you realize it yourself.

his calmness contrasts the whirlwind he's feeling inside, ni-ki stepped closer and smiled as soon as you locked eyes, his expression was unreadable again.

and when he reached you, he wrapped his arms around your shoulders, pulling you into a tight yet gentle embrace. he didn't say anything, just leaned down to press a kiss on top of your head.

then without letting go, he kissed your temple. then your cheek. then your forehead.

the sweetness of his kisses made you chuckle softly, "ni-ki…" you giggled, your hands moving to rest on his arms to feel the warmth of his skin.

you felt his lips move across your face, pressing soft, long kisses in a way that felt both comforting and possessive, as if he was silently claiming you, telling you without words just how much he wanted this.

how much he wanted you.

"stop laughing." he murmured and smiled against your temple.

"i can't." you whispered, your fingers lightly gripping his arms. "you're..."

"perfect?" he teased, finally pulling back slightly, his face hovering close to yours with a grin on his lips.

you rolled your eyes, giggles softening as you looked up at him. "maybe."

"what? maybe?" he echoed, his grin widening as he leaned in to press another quick kiss to your cheek. "you're so lucky, i'm in a good mood right now."

you smiled, tip toeing to give him a kiss. your heart fluttering as ni-ki stayed close with his arms never loosening their hold.

a/n: play shinee - replay ><

read part-timers!ni-ki x reader part i || part ii

read touché - reader x ni-ki part i || part ii

read fuckboy!ni-ki x reader part i || part ii

read Nishimura Riki as your boyfriend

read Nishimura Riki as your clasmate

read tv off- reader x ni-ki

read exes - reader x ni-ki

read he knows - ni-ki x reader x jake

read jealousy, jealousy - ni-ki x reader

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drchucktingle · 8 months ago

Note

On your blog you've talked about dealing with chronic as a result from the stress of masking your autism.

It's a bit of a different situation, but my little sister (who we've begun to suspect has adhd) has been experiencing chronic pain in her arms and legs. I may be totally off base, but I was wondering if a similar stess might potentially be a factor in her pain.

If you're willing, would you mind talking about how your pain affected before you found a way to manage it (I tried searching your tumblr, but not much came up, so sorry if I'm asking a question that's already been answered)?

Thanks either way, I love your books. Love is real!

sure buckaroo GOOD QUESTION. i have had chronic pain in some form or another for LONG TIME in a number of STRESS RELATED WAYS. in past it has been cracking teeth from clenching dang jaws while i sleep and things like that, but a few years ago it was FULL ON BODY PAIN AND TIGHTNESS like every muscle was clenching up. went to the doctor over and over all kinds of dang specialists and it was very difficult to figure out what was going on. eventually landed on a sort of nebulous trot of STRESS but i can get more specific.

there are several things about me that you would never know just from looking or even talking to me for long times. i am a bi buckaroo, i am a non-dysphoric trans buckaroo, i am an autistic buckaroo. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE THINGS IS EITHER HIDDEN AUTOMATICALLY OR I AM SUCH AN EXPERT AT HIDING THAT IT IS SECOND NATURE

autism presents its trot in many ways, so my words do not apply to all, but my version is EXTREME ORGANIZATION AND ENDLESS WORK ETHIC. in way of freud (which is a silly way but sometimes good for symbolism talk) i have what you would call an OVERDEVELOPED SUPER EGO which is a double edged sword. i can write 100s of books at an incredible pace, but also feel like my body is constantly collapsing in on itself

this is not really something i consciously think about much, but eventually these health problems started creeping up. it was all from carrying this mystery tension in my body, because while it feels EASY for me to mask i believe all that tension goes somewhere and it stores up and stores up and stores up.

so i think the HEALTHY way that i have found to deal with this (i think of it as releasing the steam valve a bit so the boiler does not break down) is ART. this space where i am allowed to be CHUCK TINGLE and write without obsessing over the spelling or punctuation, or to loudly express my queerness, or explore gender, and to let my neurotypical mask down DIRECTLY RELIEVES my chronic pain because it literally makes my muscles relax.

when i started out this ARTISTIC TROT as chuck i used a LOT of metaphor to keep my privacy, with different words or different versions of people for different things, and buckaroos found this very funny. as a way to express myself artistically i also liked this metaphor trot a lot, but i have also found that the LESS metaphor i paint over my life as chuck, the better it is for my health. if you have noticed, i talk less about some of the parts of my life that were metaphors, or maybe you have seen that my voice has relaxed a bit in interviews, or that i carry myself a little differently over time, this is partially why. (there is another artistic reason that was a planned trot from the beginning and it has to do with my feelings as a young autistic buckaroo of not fitting in on this timeline, but we can dive into that later).

anyway, as PRACTICAL ADVICE i would say that FINDING A SPACE TO EXPRESS YOURSELF WITHOUT FEAR OR MASKING has been the number one trot for me. that can be a pink bag over your head writing hundreds of erotic shorts, or that can be just laying on the ground howling your heart out, or doing whatever stim you need to do.

i will also say that ONCE I REALIZED IT WAS MUSCLE TENSION getting a physical therapist helped a lot. because there are two sides, you have to start releasing steam from the steam valve, but at the same time youve also gotta start HEALING THE DAMAGE. so i think stretching and techniques like that can be very helpful.

hope that helps buckaroo LOVE IS REAL

#chuck tingle #tingleverse #buckaroo lifestyle #chronic pain

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logansdoll · 7 months ago

Text

jim beam

navigating life in a new universe was already a bit of a struggle for Logan... and Wade just had to make it worse (or far, far, far better) by giving him a "house-warming gift".

CW: suggestive, profanity, takes place after the events of Deadpool 3, Wade is actually really hard to write for, Logan deserves the world, comfort, angst if you squint, etc.

"Honey, I'm home!" Wade loudly sang, kicking open the door to Logan's apartment with a dramatic flourish.

"Fuck me," Logan groaned from his spot on the couch, closing his eyes and allowing his head to lull back with annoyance.

This defeated the entire purpose of why he got his own apartment in the first place.

To avoid these types of interactions with the most persistently, consistently annoying asshole in the entire multiverse.

"Now, now, is that any way to talk to the friend who's about to bring your long lost lover back from the dead?" Wade tutted, skipping into the living room, taking notice of the bottle of liquor resting in Logan's hand.

'So it's that kinda morning...'

"Jim Beam at 10 am on a Tuesday?" he noted, "Well, I guess it's five o'clock nowhere... so have at it."

"What did you just say?" Logan sat up straight, brows furrowed as he focused on Wade's previous statement.

"Alcoholics everywhere salute you for taking your liver where no organ has gone before."

"Wade."

"I'm honestly starting to believe you do it for the love of the game rather than the expositional, look how sad he is plot device the author is currently using... I mean, seriously? Can we skip past all this bullshit and get to the—"

Quickly, Logan grabbed him by the front of his suit, yanking him closer with an angrily confused expression.

"If anything besides a goddamn answer comes out of your mouth... I will stab you in the face," he growled, spelling out each syllable to further his point. "What the hell do you mean bring her back from the dead?"

To Logan, you were everything

The sun. The moon. The air. The clouds.

Despite seeing all the horrible thing he'd done, and knowing firsthand just how much of an asshole he could be, you still smiled at him.

No matter how many times he pushed you away, you were relentless.

Keeping his room together while he was away finding himself.

Making him meals when you noticed he he'd gone without eating.

Forcing him to take breathers after intense sessions in the Danger Room.

For the longest, he couldn't wrap his head around someone like you caring about a jackass like him.

Until he got fed up and just outright asked.

But, as if nothing, you answered:

"Your past makes think you don't deserve love, Logan," you started, crossing your arms over your chest as you leaned up against the counter. "You storm around here with a rude ass attitude and a smart mouth hoping to convince me of that... but if anything, you're only making it worse for yourself."

You smiled, looking up at him with a glint in your eye that sent shocks running down his spine.

"Because in my heart of hearts I know you're a man who wants care and attention, just like everybody else."

With a chuckle, you rested a hand on his shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"And I'll keep shovin' dinners down your throat until you realize that."

Despite having everyone else fooled, you saw right through him, and true to your word, you didn't give up.

With every made bed, every meal, every conversation, Logan felt himself falling deeper into your charm, and over a glass of Jim Beam did he finally realize that he was in love with you.

But, like everything else he cared about in this world, you were taken away from him.

Unable to find your body in the rubble of the mansion, he looked high and low, quite literally going to the ends of the Earth to find you.

But after years of searching with nothing to show for it, he returned to the bottle, drowning himself in sorrow and regret.

Or, at least... until now.

"Well, according to the manual, she's not exactly dead, but she is unconscious," Wade answered, matter-of-factly.

"Unconscious?" Logan's brows furrowed, still quite confused.

Freeing himself from the man's grip, Wade stood up, going back around the couch and pulling out a small tablet from his pocket.

"See, I've noticed your humble abode could use a little sprucing, so I went back to our buddies at the TVA and kindly reminded them that you saved the multiverse and, godammnit, you deserve a reward."

"Get to the fuckin' point, jackass," Logan spat, turning to face him.

"So they sent some men back to your universe and found your girl!" Wade cheered, opening up a portal and reaching his hand in, pulling out a cryo-chamber with you inside.

The moment Logan's eyes met your sleeping face, all color and vibrancy seemed to return to the world.

He was at a loss for words.

You were here... not some dream or hallucination of guilt... but actually, truly, physically here.

"Apparently, some science fuckers were keeping her in a black site and testing to see how long she could go without aging. I won't bore you with the details," Wade explained, pulling out a small knife from his boot. "Now, let's break this bad boy open and meet the future Mrs. Wolverine!"

Before Logan could stop him, Wade stabbed the keypad at the side of the chamber, opening the door and sending you falling forward.

In an instant, Logan dropped his bottle and leaped over the couch, catching you just before you could face-plant on the hardwood floor.

"Watch it!" Logan roared, less than happy that you'd only been there for about three minutes and Wade had already almost broken your nose.

"I am so sorry!" Wade gasped, his hands slapping his cheeks in shock. "I didn't think she'd actually fall out the chamber when they told me she'd fall out the chamber... Nice save, though, Romeo."

Turning you over, Logan cupped your cheek, the chill of your skin already beginning to warm.

But you were still out cold, limp in his grasp as he held you close to his chest.

"She's not waking up..." Logan noticed, brows furrowed. "Why the hell isn't she waking up?"

"Easy there, tiger. They told me how long it takes varies from person to person," Wade assured, shutting the portal. "Some take minutes, others hours. It could be a couple of days before she even opens her eyes."

An expression of solemnity slid over Logan's face as he gazed over yours, your skin still so flesh colored, it looked as if you were sleeping.

Just as soft and tender as he remembered.

And he had full intentions on keeping it that way.

Tucking a strand of hair behind your ear, he ghosted his hand over your cheek.

In that moment, he swore to himself that he'd never leave you again.

He'd be a friend, a bodyguard, a lover, whatever you wanted, but no matter his title, anything that wanted to harm you would have to do so over his dead body.

And even then he'd force himself to get back up and fight.

This world was giving him a second chance at life, a second chance at a life with you, and he'd be damned if he let anything ruin it.

Suddenly, you took in an aggressive gasp, scaring the shit out of Wade as your eyes snapped open.

"Holy fucking shit nuggets!" he jolted, jumping from his spot across he room as Logan allowed his shoulders to sink, mumbling a quiet thanks to whatever god or deity brought you back to him.

Feeling a strong set of arms cradling you, you looked up, solace setting into your bones at the sight of the familiar man before you, who was unable to stop the few joyful tears escaping his eyes.

"Logan—"

Without a moment's hesitation, his lips were on yours, making up for what felt like a lifetime of loss by dumping all of his passion, all of his love, all of his devotion into one Earth shattering kiss.

You melted into it seamlessly, your hand finding home in his scruffy hair as he pulled you flush against him, clutching you with a death grip.

Donning a cheeky smile under his mask, Wade turned away to give you both a moment, thought not without making a crude sex gesture behind his back.

'I don't think Miss (Y/N)/Girl Sitting At Home Reading This is gonna be able to walk tomorrow...'

With a gasp, the two of you separated, Logan's hand raising to cup your cheek, relishing how easily you leaned into him.

"(y/n)... I thought I lost you," he panted, his eyes scouring over your face, committing every detail to memory.

"For a while, you did," you sighed with a grin, carding a hand through the few gray strands in his hair, before comparing them to your own. "Time looks good on you."

He chuckled, quietly relieved you still found him attractive after all these years.

Sitting up, you wrapped your arms around him and pulled the man into a bone crushing hug, nuzzling your face into the crook of his neck.

"I'm not really sure what happened... or how I'm alive..." you weakly laughed, starting to get choked up. "But I know that if you go out drinking without me ever again, I'm putting your head on a spike."

Instantly, Logan's arms wrapped around your waist, holding you reverently as if he let go for one moment, the powers that be would part him from you.

"I swear on my life... I'll never let anyone hurt you again."

#james howlett #james howlett x reader #logan howlett #logan howlett x reader #mcu #mcu x reader #wolverine x reader #x men #x men x reader #wolverine

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