#[ or even get angry all that easily ]
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yeah u can put "i hate jkr" and "fuck terfs" in ur tumblr bio but. can u listen + reflect when a trans woman criticizes hp fandom without immediately getting defensive.....
#if a trans woman says 'my firsthand experience with hp fandom is that it's transmisogynistic'#in what world is the correct response to get angry at her and demand that she reassure u that not EVERYONE is transmisogynistic in fandom..#like either a) u have not been transmisogynistic in which case...just keep scrolling#or b) u have been transmisogynistic in which case. u should take such posts as an opportunity 2 reflect on ur own behavior#and whether or not a or b applies to u is a personal evaluation for u 2 make privately#but EVEN if u feel the post does not in any way apply 2 u. it's still good 2 reflect!!! we are all participating in a fandom#that is tied inherently 2 a virulent transmisogynist#the least we can do is be vigilant in our personal circles + spaces abt transmisogyny.....#also personally. i think trans women can say whatever they want about hp lmao#especially on their own personal tumblr blogs that u can very easily just block if it's so upsetting 2 u....#anyway. valid critiques and criticisms of hp fandom exist + part of being in this fandom in 2023 is accepting that imho#txt
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i honestly dont like how emotional i am
#i dont mean emotional as in get sad easily or get happy easily#even tho it does happen to me#my emotions are like... just intense#it feels like the levers are broken and its always on maximum overdrive#things that shouldnt make me this sad does and i get too angry over small thing#honestly hate that i have to avoid things to not trigger them :[[#and then there are time im so afraid if i dont keep up with everyone theyre all going to abandon me and put me aside u-u#i constantly look for signs if ppl are losing interest in me and its just so daunting everyday to live in fear not knowing#even if its not whats happening#:[[[#.vent
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got into yet another fight with my mom, again about voting/the election, she said that she’s only voted once in her life and never cares to again because she ‘doesn’t care about politics’, saying that shit almost proudly?? and it set me off for obvious reasons, then she got mad at me for saying it’s because she’s privileged and ‘most’ shit doesn’t affect her directly so she can afford ‘not to care’
#i’m so tired man#yeah because you’re a cis straight white woman#but what about your queer child?#what about other lgbtq+ people? you say you support them/us but apparently not enough if you don’t care to vote#and then she started on about how kamala is just as bad if not worse#bc she’s an easily influenced boomer and listens to other dumbfuck boomers#plus the internalized misogyny#i just can’t yall#i know some have it worse with their parent/family member being full on pro trump but this#is just so fucking frustrating#not to mention my bitch sister who within the past couple years moved to the midwest with her abusive bf & got knocked up twice#is suddenly loudly pro trump#the same woman who a mere handful of years ago was about to marry her trans girlfriend (whom she also dated before they realized they#were trans!!)#the same woman who has dated girls multiple times#and had more than a few abortions#like just because you now have two children and no longer interested in having abortions no women should have them?? fucking hypocrite#she just disgusts me#like did he beat the brain cells out of you or did all the heroin you used to do kill them#i’m sorry im just so fucking angry with her like i didn’t think i could get more pissed/upset with her#after she ‘indirectly’ killed my cats#which i will never ever forgive her for#but this is just extra on top#legit no longer acknowledge her as my sister - i now only have one vs the two i was raised with idfc im better off#i’m just tired#and it’s not even an ‘election time’ thing this is just … never gonna end/change huh#personal#tdl#vent
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i hated airpods & phones with those big fugly cameras in the back when they were announced as a concept & i hate them even more each time i see that hideousness in person
#i remember when i was 11 ( sorry for being a zoomer ) getting into an argument with an online acquaintance#over airpods because i thought they were retarded but she thought they were cool as if bluetooth ear pieces were a new invention#remember how the world used to make fun of them not even that many years prior. she was like nooobut you can hide them for cheating#& against thievery ( OK the only fair point I GUESS ) but they are just so ugly to me & stupid not practical too easily lost & damaged#especially with that pricetag like they could have made something COOL or Kawaii but of course sleek Nothing design is “in”#still after a decade now ♯MAKEITSTOP#honestly only like bluetooth for file sharing when necessary anything else is devilwork#as for the new giant multiple cameras design i mean use your eyes has there ever been an uglier decision#even if i had money i could never own a touch screen phone without a middle button & a normal camera lense in the back#like just looking at them makes me angry BUT mostly apple products i think android ones are less hives inducing#but TBH i have no headphone jack so... on my old broken phone i did but not this one -_- where are my principles......#well i will wear this one down until it dies i already have a cracked arse screen so until it breaks i will downgrade#also remember how cute silicone phone cases were in the early to mid 2010s ♯BringThatBack#honestly can you even i think phones today are just too damn big Not mine Doe 🦌 mine is almost perfectly sized for my hands (iphone7)#at least people have more charms than ever in my city at least i see people with cute lanyards & zoomer style JesusBeaters so great ^_^#sorry for complaining all the time but also if you are not here for my Kvetching then what else could you be here for...#*jumps into a well from shame*
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i hold so much more anger than anyone around me realizes
#like id beat my father to death with my bare hands if given the chance#and all those men for what they did to me#im so sick of ppl saying i need to forgive people who are not and never will be sorry. why should it be on ME to be the 'bigger person'#I WAS FOUR YEARS OLD WHEN IT STARTED.#im angry i never got to be a child and now its too late. now im 22 and just as fucked up as i was when it was still happening#i do not consider myself a violent person but thinking of what my abusers did all the time makes me so fucking mad#how can you do those things to a child & live with yourself. i dont fucking get it#i dont need to forgive ANYONE if i dont want to. the ppl telling me that dont even know All of what happened to begin with.#milo murmurs#csa vent#tw csa vent#csa tw#add that to being easily irritated due to ptsd and weve got a lovely mess here lol#im so tired of feeling like shit all the time but idk how not to rn#also. OBVIOUSLY i do not desire to commit murder. im just sad & pissed off that they got away w everything & i have to deal w it
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idk if i have stated in so many words before but kinda weird for people not to care about the brown men of the story on account of them being men
like most people did to javi irl what the yellowjackets did in the show lol, dismissed always, no more than the little kid, he was already dead
#and like i know you're not only being weird about their race but also that they get inbetween your girlhood fantasies#as if the story isn't based around the lord of the flies which is exclusively a look into white british boys behavior#so i ask of you what does that mean for who the yellowjackets represent like are they truly girlhood#or considering me and the other fans of color conferred and realised this shit wasn't even written with black or brown women#in mind or their ethnicity for input in the writing like idk adding kessell to the writing ffs anyway#so it's clear this was written with white womanhood in mind like#don't y'all think it reflects a particular female rage more trapped in time and space than entirely universality#which is ok if racist tbh but it still allows a look into a particular face of womanhood and not all encompassing#and again travis and javi were right there the tragedy is of childhood not girlhood there he didn't even get to be a person just the#annoying little kid in most of their eyes it's kind of sad#and telling y'all could dismiss javi and travis so easily before lile they're not brown men#fuck im angry#yellowjackets
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My roommate and I had a conversation last night and I keep rotating it in my brain and I Don’t Like It
#blue chatter#they called me a resilient person. and no the fuck I am not. I break down so easily over everything and my body is falling apart on me.#I scream in terror when someone knocks on the door too hard the fuck you mean I’m good at handling adversity#I pointed out that I freak out whenever my grade gets low even a little bit#and they were just sitting there like ‘yeah. and then you pick yourself up again and you do the work.’#and no? not always? oftentimes I give up and don’t try hard enough to fix it and let points go that I could have earned#I barely ever go for extra credit opportunities and I’ve never gone to office hours of my own free will#I can’t even think about talking to a professor about a bad grade without wanting to cry? hello?#but they were insistent that even with those things I am still managing Incredibly Well in class given the circumstances. which made me#uncomfortable. like. I don’t think of myself as resilient At All and I feel a bit like I’m lying or tricking them.#I start shaking like a chihuahua when people are upset and I’m In The Vicinity. even when they’re clearly not upset with me.#I really struggle to advocate for myself ever and even when I do I usually feel guilty and walk it back partway so I don’t cause a fight#and I always get way too emotional for the situation when someone has anything they’re upset with me for. which isn’t fair to them bc I need#to be able to take constructive criticism without taking it as a personal attack on me.#like what the fuck do you mean *resilient*. I can’t even handle seeing a bug flying near my face or getting a B in a class. or being told#that I did something wrong. I’m actually significantly worse at handling adversity than I used to be. high school me was a resilientish kid.#and it’s not like I was ever *good* at handling my emotions. even when it was essential for my safety. I’ve always cried way too easily#even when it actively made the situation I was in Much Worse. even when I knew better.#I would get angry and scared and sad and start shaking and crying and even screaming at my parents when they were mad at me even though#I knew that it would always make my life much worse. and extend an already beleaguered argument.#I brought this up with my therapist and she was like ‘well. anybody would have done that if they were treated like you were’.#which. okay. maybe so. I still feel like I should have been able to handle it and just shut up and move on and not make it worse.#but I am aware that this is probably a cognitive distortion. even so. that definitely doesn’t make me resilient.#I just. I feel gross being called resilient. I’m not. I’m weak and easily scared and unable to handle even small amounts of adversity.#the fuck is my roommate even *seeing*.#the annoying part is that they’re generally an insightful person about other people and I know logically that they’re probably right#which is why I’m not going to complain any more about this to their face bc I should just drop it and not make it a Thing#I talk too much about myself and my problems anyway. not every conversation has to be about my brain worms.#but the discomfort is Distinct and Unpleasant. and now I’m just having to sit with it. and Feel Uncomfortable. and try to accept what was#definitely intended as a compliment. I know it’s draining to talk to someone who doesn’t accept any of the kind things you say about them.
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I have seen a lot of people say that in s3 Crowley will be sulking and depressed while Muriel, Nina and Maggie will try to help him. Like they will kinda have a found family thing going on. And while i see that happening.
I also want let Crowley be angry. I want to see him go batshit
I see it going like this:
The first days or weeks (or even months) after Aziraphale left Crowley does sulk and drink himself into oblivion. No body sees him for weeks. Until one evening when he is looking into the sky he decides fuck it. Because "Clearly that angel doesn't give a shit about me, so why should i give a shit about him"
And from there it goes downhill. Crowley now does all the shit hell wants him to do and more. Drugs, drinking, smoking, tempting, bribery, getting into bar fights, tormenting, hooking up with every third person he sees, becoming an genuine asshole and every other shity thing a demon can do. Basically leading the most self destructive lifestyle that would have had a human dead within a month. But lucky him since human mortality doesn't apply to him.
He will let that hot anger consume him and motivate him to do more and more shity things. His goal will be to become unrecognisable from the Crowley he was.
Perhaps he will also get a new hairstyle (one he haven't had before) and then change the Bentley into a modern hot red sport car and change his whole closet.
Perhaps after a while one night he will pull up to the bookshop (he haven't seen it in months) and Nina (she stayed late at work) won't even recognize him at first, but when she does she is relieved to finally see him! But that's until he pulls out a fuel can and walks inside the bookshop.
Muriel would of course would be there, but a quick miracle would probably knock them out. Then he is spilling the fuel everywhere and with a snap of his fingers everything is burning. I totally see him smirking while saying:
"You where right angel, nothing lasts for ever"
Aziraphale at some point finds out about this and goes down to earth first time in months, and he is mad.
When they meet Crowley blames Aziraphale for the bookshop burning down and every other bad thing Crowley had done so far, "because if you hadn't left i wouldn't have done it". That makes Aziraphale go from mad to pissed. Everything escalates from there and now things between them are even worse. They are both very angry and blame the other for everything.
Perhaps, perhaps not things get violent or/and other people get involved
#good omens#good omens 2#anthony j crowley#aziraphale#before people might attack me for this i know this is pretty ooc for them#but hear me out#crowley definitely feels grief about the rejection#but grief can easily turn into anger (or be masked as anger)#and anger can really change people#and for aziraphale's part he would definitely get mad for crowley intentionally burning down the shop#and then getting blamed for everything for everything while being 100% sure he is doing the right thing will only fluel the fire#so yeah#this is my take on season 3 of good omens#also it would be funny if ineffable bureaucracy came back to earth for a visit expecting ineffable husbands being together already#but then they find them basically being at war with eachother#would they try to play couple counseling?#maybe lol#ineffable husbands#just let my boy get angry thats all i want#it doesn't even have to be this bad#i just want actual conflict between them#not just miscommunication#ineffable idiots#ineffable divorce
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While Jing Yuan does hold Dan Feng and Yingxing so fondly in his heart, and will say it as such ( and truly DOES feel that way ), he also bears a heavy resentment against them both at the very same time. For leaving him, just as Baiheng and Jingliu did. For not asking him to come with them and partake in their plan, keeping him in the dark and ultimately leaving him alone to pick up the pieces of his heart after each and every loss.
He loves them dearly even now, but will never forgive them this.
#hc; jing yuan#//He would never act on it nor EVER want to admit it to Dan Heng in particular#//Esp when the man declared himself to be a different person to Dan Feng#//Jing Yuan respects that and has taken to remembering such; even with how hard it was to accept#//Part of why he is so unwilling to let go of those feelings are bc it helps keep them in his mind longer#//Clearer voices and images in his memories he can grudge against; means less likely to forget them as they were#//And he’ll be DAMNED before he lets either go#//His love and adoration for them will never waver nor change#//He holds a torch for them both; even now. even with how he feels regarding the Incident#//But even with that; he still carries a certain bitterness abt it all#//He was very angry in his grief immediately after the last time he saw Dan Feng. kept it together until that point#//Then just Shattered when he had a moment to himself. and subsequently forced himself to pull it together to keep going#//The resentment helped loads; up until talks with certain others and a certain young lad came into his life#//Then it was their support and the positive feelings they brought him through bittersweet nostalgia that really helped him most#//Still; even that is not enough to diminish the more negative feelings he does hold; not Entirely#//To this day; he’ll still find himself questioning DF&YX’s motives; if things could have been different if he’d been there. If he could ha#saved or ultimately died w them. Sometimes drives himself mad w the possibilities yet will never stop poking at the ache#//Bc that is the last thing they ever gave him—how could he think of casting it away so easily?#//Or smth; may come back and edit this jdbfnw#//It takes the right person to ever get it out of him; and even then it takes trust and prodding to make him admit it#//Once he does though; he can work to get over it and set that part of him at ease
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Never ever EVER buy household appliances with ai in them. Most ridiculous things I’ve ever encountered
#to be clear i did not buy one but had to use one to do a load of laundry (who needs ai in a laundry machine??) and let me tell you it was#useless.#first the thing apparently ‘senses the dirty ness of your clothes to calculate the wash cycle’ which then would only ever decide to do a#cycle that took 4. freaking. hours. never have i encountered a washer that takes longer than an hour to wash your clothes.#and without the ability to manually say you want it to be a specific time? makes no sense. who has that kind of time in their day.#NEXT we go to dry the clothes and it also wants to run it for an insane amount of time. so we click it anyways (horrible decision)#and think oh we’ll just open it halfway through#well. upon stopping the cycle halfway through the damn thing says that the door is locked because it’s ‘too hot.’#never have i seen something that thinks i’m going to burn myself on my hot clothes. like cmon#also cause opening the door would be a surefire way to cool the clothes down you’d think??#so we try all sorts of troubleshooting things and even unplugging it and it STILL WOULDNT UNLOCK.#the damn thing is still locked btw. dunno if ill ever get those clothes back#so glad this at least isn’t actually a dryer we spent money on and just one that was here while we’re traveling and need to do laundry#but like. cmon#there’s no reason we shouldn’t be able to decide how long to wash our clothes for and instead let a ‘smart’ (hint: it’s not smart) machine#do it for us#(hint part 2: this isn’t just about the clothes)#soni rambles#more like soni RANTS#i was already angry about the idea of ai in appliances but experiencing first hand how bad they are makes me even more angry#and a little scared for the future#now it’s 2am and the laundry is still stuck and im too upset to go to sleep. gah#and i don’t get mad easily.#oh and did i mention that to dry your clothes it wouldn’t let you select a temperature?? that it only said it would sense it itself??#see i like to dry all my clothes on low heat cause ive had a history of them shrinking#so not only are they trapped in the machine but it’s ‘too hot’ because it wouldn’t let us select a lower temperature.#luckily i didn’t put anything in that’s a material that usually shrinks
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I have an AU where Sponge is Force-Sensitive rotating like a rotisserie chicken in my brain...
#star wars#the clone wars#clone ocs#clone medic sponge#listen... They would fall so quickly to the dark side...#they want to protect their brothers and their young commander and any of the padawan commanders actually#because those are all their vod'ike#and even if Sponge has a very difficult personality and gets angry and frustrated easily#they are still capable of so much love and worry and most of the anger is just anxiety and fear#they're so afraid all the time#and they would commit atrocities if it means none of the vod'ike and younglings on the battlefield had to be in pain or die...#just... URGH... Dark Side Sponge on a warpath because this war has taken so much from them but it will not take any more little ones...#not on their watch
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I'm so fucking tired of ppl assuming I'm a teenage boy I'm not that young and I'm not a guy and it's funny when it happens occasionally and I'm in an amiable mood and idm being a little gnc ik I present somewhat masc even if its not rly intentional and ik my autistic/adhd mannerisms make me come across a little childish sometimes even if im constantly masking at work or in public and I can't control how other ppl perceive me and ik its natural for the human brain to make social assumptions all the time bc there's so much information going in and out it has to process so it automatically categorises shit so I don't mind it happening OCCASIONALLY but I've been getting so fucking many unnecessary comments lately and not just from strangers but ppl I know too and if one more person says some offhand shit to me I'm going to black out and bite until there's blood leave me the fuck ALONE
#got home and im so so so angry its not even that big a deal i dont even get annoyed when it happens every now and then#but these last few weeks ive had a fucking deluge of weird comments abt my age and my gender i dont fucking know why its happening more#and ive had enough im abt to snap. its been on the back of my mind as a vague irritation but it just keeps fucking building#so much stupid shit i cant even list it all here and its not just ppl mistaking me but sometimes going out of their way to be rude#and the fucking misogynistic shit ppl keep saying to me too especially at work please fuck off forever and die#i dont wanna get into it bc ill just get more pissed off im just gonna go cry in the shower and then ill be fine after#probably just feeling it more today bc i didnt take my afternoon meds anyway. altho this isnt the only time its upset me so.#ugh whatever..... its out of my control. and im not gonna go out of my way to try and conform more easily to other ppls ideas of me#bc im comfortable in myself and my body and with how i present so im not going to change that. just tired of dealing with assholes#and im tired of constant misunderstandings its much more than this superficial assumptions abt appearances like ppl who know me keep#making wrong assumptions or miscommunicating or just general poor judgement and that bothers me way more but its much harder to express#so im just getting more angry at the superficial shit as a proxy for it. ugh!!!!#well anyway. hopefully theres enough hot water left for me i want a scalding shower#grinds my teeth so loudly#.diaries#.vent
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Bold those that apply to your muse:
Lust: desire for connection, pursuit of pleasure, emotional intelligence, obsessive, lovesick, one-night stand, seductive encounter, flirtatious conversation, erotic party, seductive attire, revealing clothing, passionate gaze, provocative makeup, sensual expressions, suggestive gestures, flirtatious smiles, lingerie, love letters, perfumes, provocative behavior, love poems, erotic art
Gluttony: indulgence in experiences, savoring moments, hospitality, generosity, hedonism, culinary expertise, wine tasting, excessive snacking, overloaded plates, excessive portions, bloated stomachs, messy eating, greasy fingers, full tables, indulgent spreads, overflowing cups, satisfied expressions, wine bottles, can't get enough, fast food wrappers
Envy: motivation, competitive spirit, strategic planning, observational skills, bitter, rivalry contest, envious gossip, resentment-filled argument, social media jealousy, furrowed brows, clenched jaws, side-eye looks, pursed lips, tense posture, whispering behind backs, crossed arms, gossip magazines, keeping up with the Joneses, the grass is always greener, feeling inadequate
Greed: resourcefulness, entrepreneurial spirit, negotiation, materialistic, aggressive investment, lavish spending spree, resource hoarding, get-rich-quick scheme, auction bidding war, property acquisition, piles of money, overflowing wallets, luxury items, locked safes, penny-pinching, rare collectibles, selfishness, unwillingness to share
Sloth: calmness, stress management, nonchalance, relaxation techniques, lethargic, apathetic, inactive, lazy weekend, binge-watching marathon, neglected chores, skipped workout, long nap, lounging on the couch, missed deadline, unkempt appearance, messy hair, pajamas, blankets, slippers, procrastination station, self-care routines
Pride: confidence, self-assurance, self-respect, dignity, public speaking, self-promotion, arrogant, conceited, egotistical, self-important, vain, boastful speech, puffed chest, raised chin, smug smiles, spotlight, tooting your own horn, showing off, refusing to admit mistakes, feeling entitled, personal branding, leadership development
Wrath: assertiveness, decisiveness, strength, intensity, boundary setting, courage, indignant, heated argument, road rage incident, physical altercation, angry outburst, clenched fists, glaring eyes, tense muscles, raised voices, reddened faces, aggressive gestures, stormy demeanor, intense frowns, destructive actions, broken objects, punching bag, out for blood, fists, simmering anger
tagged by: @thundertide tagging: steal it~
#✩ [ to admire the flowers ] ayato headcanon#[ the italics are 'sometimes' things ]#[ probably the biggest OH GOSH thing is the 'out for blood' because he definitely did go on a 'justice/revenge' trip ONCE in his life ]#[ right after his parents died >.> (because I don't think they died of natural causes and Ayato ALSO figured that out) ]#[ but yeah he doesn't just randomly go after people ]#[ or even get angry all that easily ]
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"Truly GOOD works don't have thriving fandoms because people aren't interested in fixing them, so what do they have to write fics/make art about."
Idk about you, but I don't write fic for properties I don't genuinely enjoy and think are, on some level, actually good.
#like I'm here to EXPAND on shit I like is that not a common experience?#if I think a work is bad why would I care enough to create something in response to it?#you think I did all those episode reviews and wrote all that shit about cxgf because I thought it was BAD?????#I have ten (10) wips and ONE of them is a 'rewriting canon to be in line with what I wish happened' fic?#idk if I'd even call it a FIX fic. it's more of a 'slightly less personally depressing resolution' fic#I'm sorry. truly I don't understand this viewpoint#'if a story is well-constructed enough there won't BE any extra dimensions to explore' WRONG. I'LL /ALWAYS/ FIND THINGS. U UNDERESTIMATE ME#I WILL /CREATE/ BLANKS TO FILL IN /BECAUSE/ I LOVE THIS THING SO MUCH#like yes everyone is probably going to have at least one piece of media that they don't think is High Art™ that they get unhinged over#(ctrlz squad sound off)#but I just...I'm sorry I cannot imagine spending all of my time going 'I will create things in honor of something that I believe is Bad™'#or 'this thing made me angry I'll exclusively spend my time fixing it' instead of just. watching/reading something else that I DO enjoy#also like...things that ARE widely-agreed to be genuinely good still have big fandoms sometimes?#tgp is pretty popular on here. csm is MASSIVE. both on and off tumblr.#and some things WOULD be otherwise easily fandomize-able: cxgf is one. dpat is another. but these don't HAVE huge fandoms because the shows#are not popular. like just. we live in a world where people are somehow both elitist and anti-intellectual at the same time#ANYWAY this is in response to that one post I saw about--*I am dragged offstage for my own safety*#In the Vents
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i know I'm a broken record but the way luffy treats law makes me Extremely emotional like Extremely emotional the way he's so angry when he thinks law died? and then how he still moves aside to let law have the final blow when he asks despite being more dead than alive, and how he stops trebol from getting in the way of his fight? the way he stops dof from crushing law's head with his foot and how law's cursing and how luffy's so centered on him until he's safe and how he leaves him to robin as soon as he can and how genuinely angry the whole time he is! for law!!! because dof hurt him like that!!!! I'm insane about it insane I tell you
#BECAUSE he isn't even crew that's what makes me even more insane about it#there are parallels to what luffy has done for zoro for nami for robin!! he does for law the same he does for them#and every time i reread this fight it gets to me all over again#luffy LOVES him#luffy loves everyone and easily call people friend that's not new#a page before he was having that fight with bellamy that was proving just that being loved by luffy isn't weird#but luffy LOVES him#he loves him big! he loves him strong! he loves him angry and overprotective!#he loves him like he loves family!!!#and one can say well he was in the situation he was in#like law was about to die and this was about his whole life of course luffy's reaction would be big like that#but if the situation was that big it's because oda wrote it like that and that ALSO has me full insanity mode#this is a crewmate level of big kind of arc luffy is ever only put in the position to show a love that big for his family!!!!#im so not normal about their relationship i. s2g.........#law wanted to die with him in case of failure........please.............#his whole life and he put it all on luffy with so much faith...........#sobning brb
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i'm so angry and heartbroken and i think this is all i will ever be
#no it's not pms :( Jeremy is still missing and i haven't slept well waiting for him#it's getting so cold too#all my ''''progress'''' this year means nothing to me#also my sister is here because she didn't have to work yesterday and today and my brother video called her not knowing she was here#and when she picked up he was all cheerful and happy and it sounded like they video call often#(he texted me only a few times when he moved to the north and not a single time since he moved to Argentina)#and when he realized she was here he sort of got quiet and asked if i was around and she pointed the camera at me which always makes me sic#so i didn't look or wave and i didn't say anything and he said “she's got he headphones on” and my sister said no lol and it was awkward#then she told him we are all sad about Jeremy and said me in particular#i've been so sad and moody and angry#i can't do anything because of this anguish i feel#can't read or watch movies because i can't concentrate#i watched the emperor's new groove the other day to cheer up a little but it made sad#nostalgia doesn't work for me when i'm down like this because i see through it lol and i remember i spent my whole childhood scared#i remember i was certain something bad would happen to me (and it did but not as tragic as what i was scared of)#i'm rambling. i should be journaling instead#...#Keanu is with me now and i can't even look at him without tearing up because i start thinking about Jeremy#it's so cold and he's probably hungry. if he's even alive#the cats are all i have. i spend more time with them than with the only 2 humans i can interact with without throwing up (mom and sister)#you know how they say cats mirror twhe personality of their humans :( Jeremy is exactly like me. my mom and siblings used to joke about it#he hides when people come over to the house:( he pees himself when strangers touch him :(#we have the vet come over so we don't have to take him out of the house#and the vet is the only person he's forced to see. he pees himself when she touches him too#i can't stop thinking about how he's doing if he's still alive because he gets scared so easily and he's so anxious#i'm so angry because i should go outside and look for him but i can't even picture myself out of this house#i feel so betrayed too. because one thing is my stupid sick head thinking there's no amount of therapy or meds that could work for me#but why is my family listening to me when i say these things. why don't they get me lobotomized or something#maybe it is a bit of pms#📓
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