#I might as well fucking lose it
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can I please have one day WITHOUT having to be paranoid about irl problems
#I might as well fucking lose it#I swear I double check all the infos and even had to get my mom's approval to make sure everything is correct#I already fucking asked what time this shit would be finished but no my dad just had to get angry at me and calling me impatient for asking#and then he expects me to lie when I said its not approved yet??!!!!?#And now I can't do anything but worry#I fucking swear#Why can't I live easily for once#And I know this shit is possible because EVERYONE ELSE don't have to deal my shit#Yeah yeah I know I sound like some stupid pissed off anime character or whatever stupid shit you think I am
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Prompt 170
Once again on my Ras & Danny being training rivals thanks to time travel bullshit.
Look, Danny knows about the league of Assassins, but he almost dies of laughter when he realizes it’s the modern name of the league of Shadows. He’s an adult now, has been for a while, he’s allowed to find the situation he’s found himself in amusing. Hell, his sparring buddy who is somehow still alive is laughing too.
And no one else knows what’s going on, okay? This random man walked into their secret base, completely ignored the many assassins trying to stop him, and called their illustrious leader a “Little Bitch Man” and they are now fighting?
The fighting is familiar, but why the fuck is Ras cackling and saying things like “Ayreh Feek” back. Practically saying “Fuck you,” while laughing and oh Pit, they’re Bantering this is terrifying, why has Ras not won yet, why has this man not died yet and- bodies aren’t supposed to bend like that what the fuck-
Ras on the other hand, has One friend, who is immortal like him, actually remembers the shit he complains about, is also down for saving endangered animals, and actually knows how to spar! It’s not a proper spar unless someone loses at least a hand that has to be reattached! And honestly, people nowadays should know that the proper greeting to an old friend is to instantly try to kill the other.
#dcxdp#dpxdc#prompts#Jason & Talia & the Assassins are just standing there in utter confusion#Dusan also standing there: Oh thank fuck his sparring buddy is back we kept losing operatives whenever Father decided to be affectionate#Most of the League is at least Ecto contaminated but the Al Ghuls are Liminal AF#Danny as a teen: Ur a lil bitch lmao#Ras as a teen: Well fuck you too I hope the earth swallows you where you stand#Danny as an adult when he sees his friend: Hey Bitch#Ras to everyone’s horror: Hey Fucker you’re a decade late#Danny: Had a king to kill you know how it is#Talia: Alright Jason time for you to go to Gotham I think there might be hallucinogens in the Base#Jason: No I want to see more of this this is comedy gold#Tiny Damian doing mental gymnastics: Is this Grandmother?????#No one knows how the fuck to describe their relationship- are they friends?? Rivals?? Lovers?? Just too dudes who apparently have known#each other for a Very long time????
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birthday boy 🎂
#river dipping#theodore doe#matthias evanoff#a burning house to live in#echthroi#ts4#ts4 edit#simblr#ts4 screenshots#theo i hope you're having the most insane birthday sex rn i hope it's ******** and ***** and ***'** **** *** **** ***** :)<3#sorry i put off making your birthday edit for so long that i had to pivot and post this edit instead of the one i wanted </3#...very funny how similar this is to that LAST render i posted... well so WHAT!! if i think matthias looming is sexy!!#this is based on a photo that everyone was drawing their ocs as so really it's not MY fault he's back there clinging and being a freak#actually if y'all want this pose lmk... i'll share it but fyi it's only meant to be seen from the waist up and idk how it'd look#on a sim that doesn't have the same muscle mass and like. bulk. that matthias has......................................#just got rock hard after typing that... anyway.#HAPPY BIRTHDAY THEO <333333333 LOVE YOU SO MUCH I PROMISE I'M GONNA KEEP WORKING ON THE //ACTUAL// BIRTHDAY EDIT!! like .#posted abt this on the sideblog but the real edit i have planned for him is making me lose my fucking gourd#and it'll probably take me :))) a few more days to figure out#expect a depressing theo-as-a-teenager edit eventually tho. with writing!! accompanying it!!#matthias's face has changed again btw 😭 i redid it almost immediately after i posted that first render attempt so he looks DIFFERENT!!#i posted screenshots of him in cas just the other day on my other acc and he looks so good in them i might post them here too#oh and!! this edit looks massively different than my last because this screenshot was taken with a new preset i made specifically for#the real birthday edit i'm working on... it's a hallway scene so i figured out depth and density to get this really cool fog effect#i'm really excited for it!! in my head the way it looks makes me crazy but idk if i can pull it off properly. but like i WAS SAYING!!#new preset is sooo sexy after i post this i'll reblog with the before and after to show you how good it looks even w/o any editing#like. the colors....... literally have always wanted a preset like this i'm so glad i spent yesterday fucking around with it#ALSO!! i've been doing those oc/ship dynamic templates for fun recently so i might post a few of them here soon#realize i'm rambling so much in these tags bc i haven't been here in forever kfjnkfjhn ummmmm. let me stop.#EVERYONE WISH THEO HAPPY BIRTHDAY RIGHT NOW 🫵‼
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guys. guys hear me. out. pelase hear me out im cooking i swear guys ple
#art#my art#dsmp#dream smp#dsmp fanart#technoblade#ctechno#technoblade fanart#half life#SORRY half life fans .........#i fucking ahate drawing the hev suit so bad ohhhhh my god#like oooh yeah let me spend an hour staring at machine plating and whatever the fuck#just for a dtupid fucking doodle that turns out mid anyways#FUCK YOU HEV SUIT 🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕🖕#< jokes btw. its actually pretty fun when im not losing my mind#the other contender for this wouldve been ctubbo. i think he would do well in half life#ctubbo would see a rocket launcher and adjoining rockets 100 ft away from a military helicopter#and think 'maybe god does love me.'#however i think ctechno has just enough Kill That Guy Disease to pull it off smoothly#as opposed to ctubbo who might die at the end
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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title: citations needed (on ao3 here) pairing: none. characters: kate laswell, john price, kyle "gaz" garrick, simon "ghost" riley, john "soap" mactavish, kate laswell's wife and kyle "gaz" garrick's mums. rating: T
word count: 1.1k
cw/tw: swearing, alcohol, texting fic, basically a crack-fic.
a/n: a series of various text conversations documenting kyle “gaz” garrick’s evening as his mum’s plus one at an academic fundraiser. my eternal love goes to @gemmahale, @stuffireadandenjoy, @syoddeye and @391780 for encouraging this utter nonsense.
[Gaz has created a new group chat: SOS CODE RED]
Soap Suds has been added to the chat Casper the Unfriendly Ghost has been added to the chat Cap has been added to the chat Casper the Unfriendly Ghost has left the chat Soap Suds has added Casper the Unfriendly Ghost to the chat Boss Lady has been added to the chat
Gaz: SOS. EMERGENCY EXFIL REQ. IMMEDIATELY. Cap: No - John 👍 Soap Suds: 👀 Boss Lady: It’s not that bad Kyle.
Casper the Unfriendly Ghost has left the chat Soap Suds has added Casper the Unfriendly Ghost to the chat
Gaz: CAP I WILL DO YOUR PAPERWORK BY HAND IF YOU SEND A CAR IMMEDIATELY. Cap: No - John 👍 Soap Suds: wats going on 👀 ur maw’s thing not goin well?? Boss Lady: It seems that Kyle was unaware that my wife and I would be attending tonight’s fundraiser. Cap: And you didn’t think to tell him, Kate? - John 👍 Soap Suds: tell us more laswell 👀 🍿
–
[A private conversation between Gaz and Soap Suds]
Soap Suds: is laswell’s wife fit?? Gaz: Not now mate. Soap Suds: ill pay u gd money to send me a pic 🥵 Gaz: You’re sick. Soap Suds: as a dog 👅 💦 Soap Suds: please???
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[A private conversation between MacTavish and SR]
SR: Stop adding me to the chat you twat.
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[A private conversation between JP and KL]
JP: Send me photos of Garrick losing his mind. KL: Contact F&A and I’ll consider it. JP: Done. KL: Nice doing business with you John.
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[A private conversation between two unidentified numbers] +447******913: kate pls can i have a pci of ur wife?? +447******913: *pic Withheld Number: No.
+447******913 has been blocked
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[Group chat: SOS CODE RED] Soap Suds: send us a pic of u n ur maw gaz Gaz: No. Cap: No - John 👍 Boss Lady: No.
Casper the Unfriendly Ghost has removed Soap Suds from the chat
Cap: Thank you Simon - John 👍
–
[A private conversation between Kyle and Mama]
Kyle: Why didn’t you say Kate and her wife would be here?! Mama: Shit. Don’t let your mum get into the red wine. Xx Kyle: Bit late for that! Mama: LOL. Xx Mama: Good Luck! Xx
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[A private conversation between KL and JP] JP: How’s it going? KL: Remember Marrakech? JP: Bloody hell.
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[A private conversation between Gaz and Soap Suds] Soap Suds: add me back to the chat 🥺 Gaz: Busy. Soap Suds: please 🥺
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[A private conversation between MacTavish and SR] MacTavish: add me back to the chat 🥺 MacTavish: please 🥺
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[A private conversation between JM and JP] JM: add me back to the chat 🥺 JM: please 🥺 JP: Never send me that face again - John 👍 JM: 🥺 JM: will u at least tell laswell to unblock me??
–
[Group chat: SOS CODE RED] Cap has added Soap Suds to the chat
Cap: Sorry Kate. Lesser of two evils - John 👍
Casper the Unfriendly Ghost has left the chat Soap Suds has added Casper the Unfriendly Ghost to the chat Casper the Unfriendly Ghost has left the chat Soap Suds has added Casper the Unfriendly Ghost to the chat
Boss Lady: Boys. Enough.
Casper the Unfriendly Ghost: 👍 Soap Suds: sorry kate 🥺 Boss Lady: Never send me that face again. Cap: LOL - John 👍
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[A private conversation between JP and KL] KL: Really John?
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[A private conversation between MacTavish and SR] SR: Pack it in you dozy cunt. MacTavish: make me 😘
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[Group chat: SOS CODE RED] Boss Lady: [Sent a picture of Gaz standing between two women with an uncomfortable expression on his face holding two empty glasses as they glare at each other]
Soap Suds: 🥵🥵🥵 Boss Lady: 🤨 Soap Suds: i was talking about gaz!! Cap: Everyone looks very nice - John 👍
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[A private conversation between Gaz and Soap Suds] Soap Suds: mate 🥵
Gaz has blocked Soap Suds
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[Group chat: SOS CODE RED] Boss Lady: Gaz, location. Gaz: Seated at the table. Lost visual on Mum. Gaz: You? Boss Lady: Bar. Also lost visual. Gaz: Shit. Boss Lady: Call me. Soap Suds: 👀
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[A private conversation between KG and KL] KG: Sorry signal is shit. Update? KL: Visual contact confirmed. They’re talking to the head of the department. KG: Together? KL: Yes. KG: … The bald guy? KL: Affirmative. KG: Are you still at the bar? KL: I’ve ordered tequila. KG: Order me a shot. KG: Please. KL: Already waiting for you. KG: You’re the best, Kate. KL: I know.
–
[Group chat: SOS CODE RED] Gaz: [Sent a voice note where two distinct voices, one American and one English, can be heard agreeing with each other at volume as another third voice attempts to interrupt them. The English voice can clearly be heard to say “Oh, do fuck off Richard!” before the voice note ends.]
Gaz: Shit. Didn’t mean to send that. Soap Suds: kate is that you??🥵 Boss Lady: No. Cap: No - John 👍 Soap Suds: mrs laswell??? Casper the Unfriendly Ghost: Professor Laswell you twat. Boss Lady: Thank you Simon. Casper the Unfriendly Ghost: 👍
–
[A private conversation between Wife ❤️ and Love Of My Life 💛] Wife ❤️: Are you having fun, Darling? Xx
Love Of My Life 💛: [Sent a slightly blurry self taken photo of four people, three women and one young man, seated around a small round table. There are numerous empty glasses on the table in front of the quartet. Kyle is smiling with his face pressed close to an older woman who shares his same dark eyes. Kate is facing the camera but her eyes are directed towards the woman resting her head on her shoulder. Kate has a tiny smile on her face.]
Wife ❤️: I can’t wait for you to come home. Xx
–
[A private conversation between Kyle and Mama]
Mama: Time to cut your Mum off LOL. Xx Kyle: [Sent a slightly blurry photo of two full shot glasses] Mama: Time to cut YOU off. Xx
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[A private conversation between Kate and S. Garrick]
S. Garrick: [Forwarded a photo] S. Garrick: You all look lovely Kate. Xx Kate: Thank you. Brunch tomorrow? S. Garrick: Absolutely. Xx
–
[A private conversation between KL and JP]
KL: [Sent a photo of Kyle with his head in his hands] JP: The Christmas 2008 story? KL: Yep. JP: Brilliant.
–
[Group chat: SOS CODE RED]
Gaz: [Sent a self taken picture of a woman with a wide but slightly tired smile on her face. In the background Kyle can be seen resting his head on the table, possibly asleep. Over her shoulder a pair of women are slightly blurred as Kate helps her wife wrap a pashmina around her shoulders]
Gaz: Exfil requested? X
Cap: Of course - John 👍 Soap Suds: ur lookin very bonnie mrs garrick😘 Casper the Unfriendly Ghost: ETA 5 minutes. Will give you a hand with him. Cap: Good lad - John 👍 Gaz: Thank you sweetheart X
#crack fic#tw alcohol#kl#jp#kg#jm#sr#i'm gonna stick this on ao3 so i don't lose it#pfh headcannons#<- i don't have a proper masterlist so it can live under here#i actually kind of hate this whole fic but i finished it as much as i wanted to so i'm posting it#might fuck about with the formatting as well when i've posted it but we'll see
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SO. TO KICK OFF THE WEEK OF SPECULATION BEFORE THE UPDATE DROPS.
last night i had a bit of a Revelation. literally. i borderline woke up in a cold sweat with this realization. the way i lunged for my laptop to scream at friends... ough. lets get into it
so. i do believe I've made a couple of theory posts about Barnaby not being quite as receptive to his and Wally's "forced" best friendship as Wally - since the show wrote them to be friends instead of it happening naturally. i thought it might be a point of tension for Barn. i thought a lot.
YES SO I'M TOSSING (almost) ALL OF THAT OUT THE WINDOW!
the bios state Barnaby as Wally's best friend multiple times over. it had to be regularly reinforced. their colors were chosen to mark them as friends.
but Barnaby - presumably - can't see the bios, he wouldn't know the scripts. the friendship would be natural from his perspective. how would he know otherwise? even if the relationship started out synthetic, i don't doubt that it became genuine. in the context of their world and perceptions, realistically speaking Barnaby probably wouldn't sense anything wrong.
the reminders to be best friends weren't for Barnaby.
they were for Wally.
i'm starting to suspect that Wally is Barnaby's best friend, but Barnaby isn't Wally's. i think that Wally's "best friend" is Home - or at least Wally has a closer connection to them / Home is more important to Wally than anyone else is.
i remember reading this livestream trivia (from theneighborhoodwatch's doc, if you haven't their resources yet what are you even doing?):
and i assumed it was for Barnaby's side of the relationship. but it's not, is it? it's Wally's? and it makes too much fucking Sense! it fits! i can see it perfectly! i can feel things slotting together in my mind due to this shift in perspective, and i'm scared
Barnaby probably thinks the relationship is natural, just like how he thinks he's a real person in a real world. Wally probably knows that the relationship is a role, just like how he knows he's a puppet in a false reality.
that leaves me wondering how much of it is genuine on Wally's side. i don't doubt that they really are friends, but how deep does that connection go? in the interview, Wally sounded excited/proud about having a best friend, but how much came from a place of feeling, and how much came from a place of Fulfilling The Role? how much of it is performative? how much of it is a mask?
i've been seeing everything differently. Barnaby poses for Wally the most because he has good balance and is good at staying still, not because of favoritism or because he's Wally's best friend. in the 14 (15 including the hidden halloween) audios, Barnaby consistently seeks out Wally and checks in on him. Wally seems more casual about their relationship than Barnaby is.
i'm worried that Wally values Home & You/Us over Barnaby. that Barnaby is second or third place in Wally's heart. that Wally means more to Barnaby than he means to Wally. after all, only one of them needed their relationship to be reinforced on a seemingly regular basis.
i'm confident that Wally cares about / loves Barnaby, but the question is how much? to what extent?
#IM SO FUCKING ILL.#and by worried i mean Frothing At The Mouth. that would hurt so good. it would be delicious#i mean. it makes so much fucking sense. it feels Right!#and oh the ways this could hurt barnaby#i already suspect he has some Internal insecurities and shit but. oh man. if this is true it would break his heart wouldnt it#he has his hearts on his palms but wally's hearts are hidden on the soles of his shoes....#god. no this. this. i cant start ranting and raving about what this means for barnaby and how i think it might affect him#the picture all the pieces of What We Know About Him So Far paint#all i'll say is. comic relief characters are always a tragedy under the mask.#wh speculation#homebogging#wh theory#welcome home speculation#welcome home theory#the way i was losing my absolute shit in discord. Man.#i am continuously in premature mourning over barnaby.#eddie might be doomed by the narrative but barn is Screwed by the narrative#poor guy just can't catch a break#also the idea. the Concept. that wally might consider you/us a closer/dearer friend than barnaby#is. its. well its devastating and juicy as Fuck!#there's. there's so much to unpack here im gonna be honest#for the first time since getting into this project im feeling like im starting to see a cohesive picture#the implications. the connections. the way it ties into themes. man... oh man... And It Makes. Sense.#barnaby knows wally better than the other neighbors - Besides Home - but how much more?#does he think he knows more than he does? i mean absolutely. wally is still hardcore masking around him.#wally doesn't confide in him not really#but man. Man. oh i understand why completely. at least i like to think i do#oh boy this is gonna kill me and im gonna like it#i had this realization and i felt my neurons shift just a little. just Enough. FUCK#barnaby b beagle. baby. i am so sorry but you're gonna have a hell of a fucking time
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things you can't get back
aka i've been waiting so patiently to see kidd get his ass beat by shanks (affectionate)
#fun fact i am an anime only-er#because i'm watching it with someone who hasn't read the manga and i don't want to get ahead of them. we're in this together#but i was very aware of how the fight went in advance lmao#(and i may or may not be writing a fic that this is based on)#just smth about killer warning kidd they might not be so lucky as to survive this time#and kidd saying “oh well that's only if i lose!” is very interesting to me#bc kidd cares for his crew a lot but he is also very arrogant. and so he kind of fails to consider their safety bc he's so confident#he's not stupid he knows the risk to his own life. but there is an entire crew of people behind him who could also die#who he is currently disregarding a little bit. which i think was kind of killer's point in warning him#trying to get him to maybe reconsider on his own bc he's going to do what kidd says regardless#even if he thinks its an awful idea#and i just think kidd should get to go through the horrors over the outcome. just a little (a lot)#since killer tried to talk him out of it and he didn't listen and now they're all kinda fucked#i love him a lot and i want him to suffer deeply#what is a man without crushing guilt#kidkiller#eustass captain kidd#eustass kid#massacre soldier killer#killer one piece#one piece#one piece fanart#my art
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Thinking about the symbolic weight of smoking in the TLT universe that comes to the fore in The Unwanted Guest -- the way it moves through from person to person: Pyrrha smoked, and Augustine wanted to impress her in all her stone cold fox MILF James Bond glory (and tbf who wouldn't) so he started too. and even though as far as he knows she's been gone for a myriad and is never coming back, he keeps the habit. Ianthe sees something in the hollowed-out Faberge eggshell of Augustine that resonates with her, all that gilded eloquent emptiness and disdain through the ages, so she picked it up from him to try to emulate it. She picked it up so hard that Palamedes -- the exact spiritual antithesis of the 'smoking! on a space station! what a powermove' ennui Ianthe so admired -- spontaneously unnerded enough to even known how to, simply from a sort of contact contamination of the soul.
G1deon and Augustine sharing a jittery smoke after their near-Harrow experience during soup night, and it's the closest thing to any real sense of brotherhood that remains between them. Pyrrha going ten thousand years dying both literally and for a smoke (and then Camilla sold her fucking cigarettes (for a third of what they were worth, probably Pyrrha's own good, and also more importantly grocery money). what an entirely haunted time to be alive etc.). Augustine and Mercy trading a cigarette back and forth in the middle of their collusion over the love and murder of god.
An act of small and measured self-destruction in the name of something a little bit like connection when you're stuck somewhere in yourself where love itself dares not or cannot tread (ritualized, transmissible)..........
#the unwanted guest#the unwanted guest spoilers#the locked tomb#ianthe tridentarius#augustine the first#pyrrha dve#palamedes sextus#this series is going to make me lose my mind completely one day (affectionate)#the locked tomb meta#the fact that ianthe seems to have had some genuine admiration for augustine makes my head spin. of course though.#of course she sees the person who looks the most like he's successfully made himself impervious to the world#utterly untouchable and impossible to hurt because he isn't even really there#and she believes it! even after seeing the john mercy augustine mess at the end! because it's such a seductive idea#when you've stuck yourself in an inevitable ocean of pain to think you could make yourself numb enough that it doesn't matter#it's the emotional equivalent of 'oh there's water all around? well I just won't breathe in then. easy lmao get on my level'#she holds on to that thing from him even when it's been proved to be both impossible and ultimately untrue even in him#because uh. oh I'm about to be kind of sad for ianthe what the fuck is going on. he might actually have been the closest thing#to parental and especially paternal affection she's ever known. certainly known enough to try to model herself after#IMAGINE how fucked up the nine houses must be when augustine the first registers for anyone as a model of psychological survival#ianthe do you really want to be yourself completely so much that you're willing to be nothing. I mean yeah probably but. oh my god#gaining nothing at the cost of everything
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i need to steal charles rowland’s gender like i need air to breathe. not even joking. i need it so bad.
#charles rowland#payneland#he went on my gender envy list from the moment i saw him#kin at first sight <3#like i can’t even tell you i need to BE him#he is my gender like#fuck#as a genderqueer genderfuck#(genderqueer genderfuck being my actual identity)#i need that#it’s fuckers like him that made me have my gender crisis in the first place#like why can’t i be a girl but also be a pretty queer alternative/punk/emo twink boy with dark hair & pins & genderfucky features#and then i was like oh i guess i can#this luke patterson is actually who made me really be like “hello there is something not quite cis about you ma’am”#(ignore the “this” idk how she got there)#dan howell as well#and now i’m actually losing my mind of charles rowland like i want to rip apart my pillow with my teeth#but everyone dangender like that didn’t make me actually think i might need to update how i identify lmaoooo#jatp you will forever be in my heart#dead boy detectives#dead boy detective agency#dbd#yeet my deet#yeet my deebd#dbd4ratch#save dead boy detectives#renew dead boy detectives#pp42??
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Belobog was my fave main quest but a lot of it is so. Contradictory. It's like they had multiple groups doing different shit and none of them checked in with each other for consistency. And you see this so much in Gepard's profile.
So in the main quest, they made him unfailingly, unquestionably loyal to Cocolia. Gepard's character arc is him learning to question authority etc etc. And this isn't even a bad thing; that's a story worth telling! It makes good conflict between him and Serval! And I love that we got Gepard as a boss battle and I get to see him all the time in SU!
But then you look at his character stories and it's like. The complete opposite.
According to his profile, Gepard has already HAD this awakening, long before the Astral Express, and he'd already decided Cocolia sucks. Even outside of his stories, there's a pretty damning readable between him and Pela.
He even disobeyed direct orders right in front of her- he has been disobeying orders for a while now!
So I've decided I'm marrying the two different sides of this into a 1.5k fic-ish thingy, because I think there's some fun potential there with Gepard not trusting Cocolia, but still having to pretend to be a good obedient little soldier.
Anyway. I love to think of it as like. Gepard knows Cocolia has sunk into her apathy. He can see it in her eyes every time he looks at her. She doesn't care. Not about him, not about Pela, not about all his soldiers on the frontlines giving their lives to protect the citizens. And that's... It makes him bristle a bit, but ok. Gepard can deal with this. Even if Cocolia no longer cares, as long as she does her job then it's fine. Having compassion behind an action doesn't matter as much as the action itself. If Cocolia's heart is no longer swayed, then he'll just have to care twice as hard to pick up the slack. He considers it part of his duty as a captain of the guard anyway. It's fine. Gepard can deal with it.
And then, Cocolia starts coming down to the restricted zone. Issuing direct orders.
And Gepard realizes he is in way over his head.
Because Cocolia orders him to stay back and issue commands from the ramparts, away from all his comrades, away from where he can protect them.
Gepard had thought nothing could be as bad as watching a fellow guard die right next to him. But the first time he watches someone struck by a killing blow, so far away, it hurts. Every defensive scar across his arms itches, his fingers curl in want of a weapon, the cold cannot numb his hands enough as they desperately ache for his shield. It hurts.
Gepard tries to find any reason to stay. Because surely... He knows Cocolia has lost her love for her people, but surely... She wouldn't...
One day, Cocolia orders for their gunners to advance 20 yards. There are no survivors. She almost looks like she smiles.
Gepard doesn't sleep that night.
Pela brings him the report at the end of the first month; and then the month after that, and the month after that. A significant uptick in losses, and all of it started on that first day Cocolia started overriding his authority and issuing her own orders. The ends of Gepard's pens have all been nearly chewed off. Pela outright calls Cocolia an idiot, and Gepard corrects her. Cocolia isn't an idiot. Gepard had known her through Serval, knew her through all her college years and then some, and he knows how intelligent she is. It's not that she's stupid, and it's not that she's inexperienced, it's nothing of the sort.
Cocolia knows exactly what she's doing.
She must, there's no way she could make such a horrible mess of things so badly by accident. And Pela, quick as a whip, sharp as a tack, always too smart for her own good, catches onto the meaning behind Gepard's correction without any further prompting. The tent goes deathly quiet, nothing but the wind howling outside.
"...She's trying to kill us," Pela whispers, her voice swiftly suffocated by the silence.
Gepard swallows. He can't bring himself to correct her this time. There is nothing he could say that he would actually mean.
His gaze drops, back down to his desk and the reports on it. The names aren't listed, just the numbers, but Gepard knows them, knew them, and there must be something wrong, something he's missing, because why, why would she-? What could this possibly accomplish-?
“Gepard! Focus!” Something snaps right under his nose, and Gepard startles, eyes instantly honing in on Pela's irritated face as she leans over his desk. She holds his gaze for a moment before she huffs and begins to pace, wedges a knuckle between her teeth and bites like Gepard hasn't seen her do since cadet school.
Pela angrily strides from one end of his tent to the other, words hissed between her grit teeth. “What are we going to do?” In the dim lighting, Gepard can just barely see the damp spot of blood weeping under her gloves. “We need a plan.”
“A plan?”
“Wh- Yes, a plan! Unless you want more people to die!” Pela rounds on him then, all the wrath of a blizzard, winds roaring and snow sharp enough to cut.
“We don't even know-”
“What does it matter?! She killed-!!” Pela cuts off with a garbled noise when Gepard leaps up from his desk, hastily shoves his hand over her mouth. The prosthetic, not the flesh one, because he knows better than to assume Pela won't seize the opportunity to leave teeth marks in his skin.
“You're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry; you're right. But you need to keep quiet.” Pela quirks an eyebrow at him and Gepard can read the question in her face. “Because we both saw what she did to Serval,” he hisses.
It's amazing the snow plains haven't thawed out yet, the amount of heat Pela can put behind a glare. The mere mention of Serval, and the smoking ruins Cocolia had made of her life and career, have her bristling up like a riled cat. The sudden hot breath she takes fans fog across his metal skin, and Gepard wisely keeps it in place until Pela finally sighs and reaches up, taps her fingertips against the back of his hand.
The second she's free, Pela bats him away and then her knuckle is right back between her teeth again, Gepard leaning back against his desk with his arms crossed to watch her resume her pacing. “If we spread the word, she'll have us discharged and make sure we can't even touch the frontlines,” Pela's voice seethes like an open sore. Gepard nods but keeps his silence. He knows better than to get in her way.
“And if you and I are both out of the picture, Belobog is fucked.” A little harsher than how he would have put it, but there's no denying that they're both important to the city's survival. Pela has the restricted zone running as efficiently as ever, and Gepard had become the youngest captain on record for a reason. “We need to keep this tight under wraps, at least for now… It can't leak to anyone higher up the chain.” Another nod. “Serval might know other discontents…” Another n-
Gepard's head snaps up. “No.”
“No what?”
“No. We're not involving Serval in this.”
Somehow, even the same tone that leaves entire squadrons shaking in their boots has never worked on her. “You're not deciding that for her, Gepard.”
Pela hadn't seen the worst of it, though, back when his sister had just been banned from the Architects. Serval's pride hadn't allowed it. Pela wasn't the one to find her passed out bottle still in hand, hadn't been the one to wash the sick out of her hair or carry her to bed.
Serval still has trouble thinking clearly when it comes to Cocolia, still can't quite bring herself to be objective. And Gepard maybe doesn't want her to be purely objective- but he would worry a lot less if she thought twice before she acted more often.
“At least let me be the one to bring it up to her.”
“Whatever, fine,” Pela gestures affirmatively at him as she paces past, and Gepard sighs. Good, at least that's one thing he can help.
From there, it's a lot of hemming and hawing and frustration. Cocolia has them under her boot, and Gepard and Pela both know it. Even with the way she's been cracking down on freedoms lately, Cocolia is still, overall, liked by the people. It's unlikely anyone would believe them. They don't even have solid proof, because most people don't know Cocolia as well as they do and won't see the clues in the same light.
The Fragmentum has been ramping up in recent years, too. Everyone is struggling just to survive as is, they can't afford a fight on two fronts. Gepard is a damn good captain, one of the best for that matter. But they're at a massive disadvantage, his experience is narrowed to fighting a defensive battle against monsters, that's all he's ever done. That's all anyone there has ever done. He has no way of finding first-hand knowledge for taking the offensive against a human opponent, and if he goes at this blind, there's no way he'll get everyone out unscathed. He's going to lose people. He's going to lose a lot of people.
He'd never thought before that Cocolia would have it in her to have someone killed. And with this new knowledge, he has no guarantee she won't go after Serval or Lynx if she decides to retaliate.
Gepard has to remind himself to breathe when he realizes this.
Pela writes down every name the two of them can come up with. Lists and lists of names and groups and anyone they can think of who might be an ally in all of this. They memorize every bit of it, make their plans of who to talk to and when. Gepard watches the sparks reflect off Pela's glasses as they burn the evidence together.
Pela finally leaves, far too late to make it home, but says she wants to stay in the restricted zone anyway to investigate. Gepard watches her make her way in the direction of Dunn's tent, watches her back until she's out of his sight and squashes down the urge to follow and keep an eye on her. His tent feels empty.
In the morning, Gepard is up before the wake up bells. He drags himself out of bed, leads his soldiers through their morning training. The same people gravitate to each other everyday. Friend groups and training partners. There's an ongoing rivalry between a few squadrons that everyone bets on. Some of them have lockets around their necks, keepsakes, mementos. Some of them wear wedding rings.
Gepard is suddenly, painfully aware of something acidic clawing at the inside of his throat, of a heavy weight low in his chest that blooms, takes up room until it threatens to spread his ribs. His mouth tastes of bile and blood.
He rearranges the schedules. Puts himself down for every open patrol into the Fragmentum, makes sure he'll be on the frontlines every single time Cocolia visits.
He only hopes that it's enough.
#honkai star rail#gepard landau#hsr gepard#pelageya sergeyevna#hsr pela#hsr#smacking Gepard out of Hoyo's hands and running off with him skzjmdkd#tentatively Figuring Out how to write these two... It feels a little tricky starting out with extreme circumstances like this haha#I feel like a lot of people see Gepard as naive for trusting Cocolia so much but I don't think that's quite it. He's not stupid.#He's not even naive.#He's someone who has been groomed since birth by his own parents to be an obedient Guard and nothing outside of that role.#You are not immune to propaganda etc etc#But even then there are a lot of things like all the included screenshots where he. Doesn't actually seem to like/trust Cocolia much.#I think Serval was a really good influence on him as a kid. He might have turned out much much worse without her.#and even with how I've written him here. I don't think he's normally slow to act or one to stand aside and make other people lead.#it's just that this specifically was a pretty extreme circumstance for him.#and also he openly states elsewhere that Pela is overbearing and he tries not to interfere with her work whenever possible nskzhdjdjd#Pela too. I don't know that I normally see her as someone with a bad temper or quick to anger.#But again; extreme circumstances haha#Bc like. they both would have seen what happened to Serval when she stood up to Cocolia. they know damn well what's going to happen to them.#if they fuck this up and get caught then they're done.#and I mean. What are they supposed to do? they're two people against the highest authority of the entire nation.#regardless I do love Gepard agonizing over this in the future after Bronya takes over and everything has settled down#did he do the right thing? did he make the right choice? if he went vigilante how many soldiers would have died without his protection?#would Belobog have fallen completely? how many people died because he DIDN'T run away? was it actually enough?#I love characters forced between a rock and a hard place. no good options. pick your poison.#no winning- only weighing what you can and cannot bear to lose.#make your choice and decide whether you want to rot or to burn.
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this is my truth
#feeling real soft and nostalgic rn so i might as well post this#confession: skylanders was the first fandom i ever interacted with#but the only game i ever cared about was trap team#i latched onto stampy's playthrough when i was like ten and it has been my comfort letsplay ever since#i'm rewatching his playthrough and every time wolfgang is onscreen i still kinda lose my shit a little#i stand by this btw. the only way you could make me enjoy these four more is if they were women#am i biased?? yes. i'm a lesbian leave me alone#also three of them are villains i think that says a lot about me and my taste in characters#rambling#skylanders#skylanders trap team#how the FUCK do i tag these characters#i'm just not gonna. fuck you
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lol i accidentally installed linux mint on my computer how's your day going
#linux fuckery#linux mint#linux#computer woes#so installing mint wasn't an *accident* but i was trying to set up my computer for dual-boot#and fucked up my windows installation while doing so#the primary reason i was trying to do dual-boot was to avoid losing all the stuff on the windows side#but if the windows side is borked anyway then might as well go all the way#so just wiped the disk and installed mint 🤷♀️#i'm getting good at typing my password on account of needing to install fucking everything over again
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when sora first woke up in quadratum he's dizzy and confused, can hardly walk, and then strelitzia finds him as soon as he starts to lose consciousness and takes him home.
she takes care of him, lays him down on her soft couch and tries to get him as comfortable as possible. as she does this sora starts to somewhat wake up, but when he realizes his necklace is missing he starts panicking: his eyes grow wide, they were already wet with how exhausted he was and he can't exactly speak but he desperately tries to find it.
the ex-dandelion panics as well but quickly realizes why the boy was this distressed when he finally spots the crown pendant on a small table near the couch and pathetically reaches for it. strelitzia gives it back to him with no hesitation and sighs when he finally calms down, fainting again.
she doesn't bring it up later on, when sora's "better". after all, getting used to the city while also having his mind fogged up is really taking a toll on him.
when she does talk about it though, they're on sora's balcony. it's night and the stars aren't exactly visible but it's nice nonetheless.
"do you remember when you woke up here?"
sora blinks at her, surprised yet not annoyed by having their peaceful quiet interrupted.
"vaguely. i just remember the migraine i got – thanks again for looking after me, by the way."
the redhead shakes her head, then she continues, "no, it's okay, i wasn't bringing it up for that i just..."
she could sense sora was special, that he was there for a reason. another keyblade wielder suddenly spawning in her neighbourhood? that had to mean something, so she was going to try her best to help him remember.
"when i took you in," she continues, "i put you on the couch and i took off your jacket and shoes and also... your necklace."
she points at it, her gaze softening when the moonlight reflects its light on the silver crown. sora automatically follows her finger and looks at it too. he suddenly feels warm. safe. protected.
"you were so shaken when you realized it wasn't with you even for a moment. can you remember why is that?"
she's met with silence and wide eyes.
"what does this necklace mean to you, sora?"
and only for a moment, a comet can be seen away from them, travelling fast in the deep night sky then disappearing. they both quickly turn their heads to look at it.
strelitzia is so mesmerised by it that she almost forgets her question, but is reminded of it when she sees sora crying from the corner of her eyes.
"i don't know," he croaks, "i don't remember and it's making me go mad. i just – i just know that without it i–"
he reaches for it once again, with trembling hands, gulping as the cold metal meets his warm skin.
"i just don't feel safe without it," he simply states.
silence falls between them again, until strelitzia takes sora's free hand in hers.
"sounds like a very powerful lucky charm," she tries. luckily, sora laughs weakly.
"you could say that."
#ive had this running in my mind for a while now#i had to write it down so i might as well share my insanity on here#side note i am not a writer nor is english my first language but i find it fun#if you find it cringe .. SHUT UP !! /j#sora#strelitzia#kh4 speculation#kingdom hearts#this is solely based on my hcs in which sora loses his memories when he's in quadratum so that MoM can fuck with him even more#soriku#if you squint. but its there#necklace theory#kh headcanons#ryurambles
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#I’m only very rarely inclined to get this intimate w my thoughts so I might as well say it NOW butttt I will never not see the dead children#In everything I do#Like legit#I’ve read up on Hind so extensively and seen so many photos of her#And I have a very healthy relationship w the popular Palestinian journalists so she’s not my blorbo or anything#But hearing that memo destroyed me bc bisan is only 23 and she seemed so vivacious#Idk like I do normal people things I can’t just pause on my life#But idk how it feels like to sit at a boba place and enjoy my pearl milk tea w my friends#While the horrors over there don’t just lurk the back of my mind. I do normal things and I’m guilty for having the luxury#And as an Iraqi girl I’m living in the literal ideal timeline#Where my mom decided to immigrate to the us and that’s why I’m here living a normal life like everyone else#It’s like in a different world if I were born in a different time it could’ve so easily been me. I’m one of the Lucky Ones idk#It’s not survivor’s guilt bc it’s not like I had to survive anything like I never had the chance to live in Iraq or anything#But like. If some things had fallen just a little differently#And I keep thinking about how I’d feel if it were happening to Iraq and people behaved the way they’re doing to Palestinians#I’d be so mad#And some people on here are dealing w assholes while bursting at the seams w grief#For losing their loved ones#This is why I’m so fucking angry at anyone who’s complicit#This was a major tangent but basically I feel weird about doing normal things now while simultaneously knowing I can’t just sit and wallow#And watch life pass by as if it’ll do anything#Misery is not a home but I’m struggling to be 100% normal#And I think that this tonal dissonance is reflecting on my blog too bc I can’t go back to just#Posting about all the other normal things I used to. Like I want to but sometimes I feel off.#Is this anything. I haven’t slept all night#I can’t just allow myself to lose interest in everything I used to like and be and just fade away but maybe it’s about accepting that this#Will also always be a part of me now. It’s that awareness that shadows everything I do#or maybe I need a therapist it’s a toss up#I’ll probably feel better once I get my day started but this was cathartic to voice I think#p
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you will never see me letting anything bad happen to davrin im so serious. "in death, sacrifice" and all sure but it's not going to happen tho. not if its you
#king you are surviving this shitshow if it kills me. i dont care who i have to strangle to make your survival happen#'you might lose your companions along the way' well i'm not losing davrin so jot that down#i say this all bc i am distinctly Aware of how grey wardens are drawn to ghilan'nain's fucked up human centipede potion pools#and with davrin being a monster hunter + possibly having her vallaslin + being bonded to a griffon (which she may have Invented) . well !#i'm not expecting him to have a good time Whatsoever but i will kill everyone and myself before i let that bad time turn fatal#dragon age
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