#<- not dying. this is just my health issues tag
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glitter-alienz · 3 months ago
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Bitch I might have a ringworm infection. I need someone to volunteer to kill me real quick
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steveharrington · 2 years ago
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why don't you want to watch TLOU anymore? :(
like i said it just makes me sad :/ that’s pretty much it like it’s definitely well written and well acted but the story is really bleak and that’s just not for me
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phantoids · 2 years ago
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ough
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girl-bateman · 4 months ago
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Blood-work came back fine which either means I really do have a mysterious deadly illness OR its my mental health that's fucking up my physical health. Now my dilemma for my upcoming appointment .. do I mention how neurotically devastated I've been feeling these last months, knowing the doctor might be relieved to blame it all on hysteria instead of doing more testing ? Or do I just... not say anything about that.. lol
#i feel very very uncomfortable referring to diagnoses or specific mental health conditions that i cannot confirm i have (!)#but if this is indeed all linked to that stuff that happened 4months ago#which hypothetically would be linked to some unpleasantness that idk about from the past#then yes. my physical symptoms could technically be explained by a triggered trauma response#made worse by anxiety stress hightened cortisol levels etc etc#HOWEVER lots of doctors tend to dismiss women abt physical symptoms in favour of blaming mental health issues#and i dont want to give them any reason to do that in case i really am sick fr (as in dying lol)#bit then again i kinda am hysterical 👍#im relieved my friends have been so gentle with me abt this but it kinda makes it harder to have a reference point for how insane/normal#my thoughts and reflections are. bc they're just doing that empathetic listening thing. not rly saying what THEY think u know#and dont get me wrong! thats prob the right call! but for once id just like for someone to be like#'obviously u were xx' ??? bc they just keep saying they dont wanna speculate. and i dont either! but im going mad trying to find anwsers#and ig i just want someone to tell me what i should think and do and whats normal and whats not#like??? is it rational for me to think something bad happened or am i being delusional. evil and paranoid ???#am i in denial for believing that nothing might have happened at all and that there might be other things to explain whats going on ??#i just want to know what the normal ppl think bc i feel very far from normal rn#and i can tell my friends are having so many opinions that they are leaving unsaid#which low key is not helping the paranoia BUT once again i know that they are doing it out of kindness and sensitivity 🙏💓#i love my friends and this is not a diss to them !!! i just have a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings abt it looool#sorry these tags always turn into a rant#diary entries
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dlxxv-vetted-donations · 2 months ago
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The last donation to Roba's campaign was 7 days ago.
I'd like someone to adopt this vetted campaign (I don't have the means to do so right now). Help promote it, keep it updated, work with the family, and make sure that it doesn't get forgotten. You can make a difference. Please message me if you decide to adopt and (optional but recommended) reach out to Roba.
"Your donation is not just a lifeline for us; it's our only chance at survival. " - Roba
My other promotion lists
Updated: Sep 7
Member(s): Roba (@acallforhope)
Verification: link
Payment methods: Paypal, credit/debit
Summary: This campaign has raised a paltry sum when the family desperately needs funding to afford their basic human needs.
Current progress:
€ 410 / 60,000
Campaign/family details:
Fund allocation:
USD $40k total, 7-8k per person
All remaining funds go toward: Basic living necessities, diabetes and arthritis medication for Roba's father, and a decent house after evacuation
5 members (Roba, Sahar, Ibrahim, Ahmad and Mahmoud)
Roba's family endured difficult conditions and great suffering after they were displaced to Rafah and further south.
They struggle with basic necessities for survival, such as food, water, and shelter. These unhealthy conditions make them very vulnerable to disease, and the family is dying a slow death.
They currently live in a tent where they're plagued by extremely high temperatures and disease spread from insects.
Tents are subject to extreme temperatures, and this will get worse as winter approaches.
The family must walk long distances just to access impure seawater and prolonged usage can cause health issues.
Egyptian coordinators refuse to add names to the evacuation list until families can prove they have the funds ready.
Tagging random ppl. I'd really appreciate a share and donate if possible. Want off my 'mailing list'? Please message me!
@gender-haver @calhaspam @pezji @ploppymeep @sagescider @chutiyaaa @mavigator @collectingthestars @threetadpolesinatrenchcoat @eriisaam @aners @lesbianmaxevans @tortiefrancis @kurgy @wolfhorrors @zsnes
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godmadeaterribleerror · 4 months ago
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No Love Lost Series Masterlist
Read on A03! - Listen to the Playlist!
Rating/Warnings: 18+ for canon-typical violence, swearing, mental health issues, mentions of rape/non-con, and sexual content.
Tags: Soldier Boy/Supe!Female Reader, enemies to friends to lovers, canon divergence, slow burn, smut, angst, fluff.
Series Summary
Three years ago you were normal, the only demons you had to fight were your own, and you the most you knew of Vought and the Boys were what you saw on TV. But then you met Homelander at a stupid party, and woke up the next morning in a cell.
After almost two and a half years of you being Homelander's little project, Soldier Boy was woken up only go rouge and be put back under. Somewhere in there, you escaped. And before Queen Maeve went underground, she told William Butcher about the Anomaly, a powerful supe who recently escaped Vought captivity and may have an agenda against Homelander.
One month later, the Boys found you.
You spend the next five months helping them best you can, though your control over your powers is weak and your fear of Homelander makes you useless in combat. But you get an idea. A stupid, dangerous idea that turns you into Soldier Boy's keeper, giving him a second chance to take down Homelander, you hanging over his shoulder, a threat should he want to go nuclear again. It's exhausting and frustrating, and you might kill him and yourself as soon as this is over, but you said whatever it takes.
And this is what it takes.
Author's Note
This story is non-canon compliant, with the two main differences being;
1) Butcher doesn't have brain cancer, because I said so.
2) All of Gen V didn't take place, because I don't want to deal with the whole supe-plauge thing. Also that's too many characters to keep track of squad.
Because of this, the story will start in a similar setting as s4e5, but with different events leading up to it, and will deal with similar themes and have similar events to the rest of s4, but at an inconsistent rate. If you have any questions about other, smaller changes I have made, feel free to ask!
Navigation Key
❤️‍🔥 = Smut
🚩 = Additional Warnings
Chapter List
Chapter 1 - Where Winning Looks Like Losing Chapter 2 - A New Kind of Tension Chapter 3 - You've Torn Your Dress 🚩 Chapter 4 - You Might Be The Same As Me Chapter 5 - Popped, Cool, and Ready to Go Chapter 6 - I've Been Searching for a Fortified Defense Chapter 7 - The Blinding Ultra-Violence 🚩 Chapter 8 - I Just Find My Way Back ❤️‍🔥🚩 Chapter 9 - Can't Cover It Up ❤️‍🔥 Chapter 10 - Lead Me To The Ark ❤️‍🔥 Chapter 11 - The Wolves or The Ocean Rocks Chapter 12 - While My Blood's Still Flowing Chapter 13 - The Terror of Knowing Chapter 14 - Choke on Sun Chapter 15 - I Found A Martyr ❤️‍🔥 Chapter 16 - Let It Flood ❤️‍🔥 🚩 Chapter 17 - Make My Chest Stir Chapter 18 - Something In The Static ❤️‍🔥 Chapter 19 - Don't Look Back 🚩 Chapter 20 - Forget to Fall Down Chapter 21 - Some Things You Just Can't Speak About ❤️‍🔥 🚩 Chapter 22 - I Stayed In The Darkness With You Chapter 23 - Wherever You're Going ❤️‍🔥 Chapter 24 - You'll Never Be Alone ❤️‍🔥 Chapter 25 - All I Know ❤️‍🔥 Chapter 26 - I’ve Loved Everything About You That Hurts ❤️‍🔥 Chapter 27 - Just A Shot Away 🚩 Chapter 28 - Something That I'm Supposed to Be (11/19) Chapter 29 - All My Bets On You (11/26)
Bonus Footage (Standalone Chapters)
Dying’s Up to Me - A Prologue. Takes place 6ish months before Chapter 1. 🚩 Back to Here - Request! They get horny at the dining table, and Butcher takes it personally. Takes place in Chapter 14. It's So Simple - You make Ben do icebreakers. He's a little bitch about it. Takes place in Chapter 14. Just Your Time - You give Ben internet lessons. Takes place in Chapter 14. As Much As I Do - Request! Ben finds you dancing, is immediately very normal about it. Takes place after Chapter 14 and around Chapter 15. Calling Your Name - Ben's first birthday awake isn't great. Takes place in Chapter 19. ❤️‍🔥 I Skip My Pride - You share some music with Ben over text. Takes place in Chapter 22. The Only Place That I Call Home - It's team game night, and everyone is sick of you and Ben's shit. Takes place in Chapter 24. ❤️‍🔥 Can't Help Myself - Request! Ben has a breeding kink, and you're incredibly horny, so it works. Takes place in around Chapter 24 and Chapter 25. ❤️‍🔥 Anywhere Else Is Hollow - A halloween special episode! Takes place in Chapter 25. It Was Smiling Down - A Ryan pov Chapter. Takes place between Chapter 26 and Chapter 27. A Call To Motion (11/15)
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thelov3lybookworm · 6 months ago
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Journals
Summary: everyone is happy
•○●⛦●○•
Tw: heavyyyy angst, sad lil fic (literally what i named this before i came up with a title), mental health issues, depression, feeling unworthy of love, panic attack, self harm, self hate. thats all i can think of right now, but let me know if i need to add anything
A/n: based on this and this poetry by @gardenofrunar 🤭 you couldnt tell it was me could you pookie?
also, there is not really a bat boy our reader is supposed to be with, so im tagging this as all three of them. there will most probably not be a second part to this, but still, lemme know hat you all think
AND, im not trying to glorify what reader is going through in this fic. if you are going through something, please talk to someone. you are not alone, my loves ❣️
anyways, enjoyyyy!!
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It was happening again.
The breathlessness was starting to creep up again on her.
And the worst part wasn't the fact that she felt like she was dying.
It was that she was alone. Again.
No one was coming. No one cared. No one would even realise she was gone until it was too late, and maybe that was a miracle.
Click.
The haze cleared slightly, and gasping for breath, Y/n stood, somehow making it to the stairs leading to her bedroom before her lungs constricted again.
She had no other option as she crumbled on the stairs, the hard wood digging into her sides and thighs.
She could not breathe.
She could not think.
She could not move.
She could not breathe.
A cruel laugh broke through her consciousness, the sound so familiar yet so foreign, Y/n could not help but sob.
You deserve this.
Azriel. It was him, no doubt. But the longer she sat there, other voices started joining in.
First Cassian. Then Mor, Rhysand. Amren.
Feyre, Nesta. Elain.
"Stop." She whispered, her hands shaking as she rose them to her ears, pressing as hard as she could. But no matter how much she tried to ignore it, the clearer the words became.
You deserve this.
You don't deserve us.
It's your own fault.
In an attempt to get away, to get some peace and quiet, she reached out, clutching the stair. The wood grains whispered against her palm, their sound lost to ears filled with taunts and laughter.
Still, she dug in her fingers, her nails screaming in protest, her heart yelling back in a horrific screech, beating loud enough to almost drown out her family.
Almost.
Pulling herself up, she reached out her hand, ignoring the pain as she did her best to haul her dysfunctional body up the hard terrain, trying to make it to her bed before she lost herself fully to the dark depths of her mind, losing all sense of her being.
Somehow, having no recollection of the climb, Y/n collapsed at the landing, her breathing erratic as she stared at the blurry paintings on the wall, gifted to her by Rhysand's mate.
Had they always been this blurry?
In the back of her mind, she realised that they were never blurry. There were just tears in her eyes, but she didn't think too much about that as she crawled forward, miraculously crossing the threshold to her room, the familiar smell of flowers Elain had gifted her last week pulling her out of her misery for a moment, enough to let her get up and stumble into the plush material of her bed before tears again erupted in her eyes.
They then came back, screaming in her ears about how much of a disappointment she was, how she deserved no happiness.
And she agreed with them.
But still, it hurt her heart to hear the people she cared for voice thoughts she only limited to the darkness of night, under the gentle presence of the moonlight.
You don't deserve happiness.
She knew the inevitable onslaught of her self hatred was about to break over her head, knew it was unavoidable and would probably have her moping for days.
Her mind started wandering, which in itself was alarming because as much as she wanted to stop thinking about her miserable life, she knew that any and all thoughts she had at these times would only work against her.
Rhys's tear stained cheeks, his bloodshot eyes and his quiet sobs as he clutched Y/n's hands between both of his, Y/n's soft cooing as she tried her best to soothe his wounds after his mother and sister's death.
As she held him after his return from under the mountain.
This was going to be a long night, she was sure.
Cassian's grumpy self refusing to eat after one of the Illyrians had again bullied him for not being good enough. Y/n's cheeks aching from how hard she was trying not to smile as she tried to convince the overgrown illyrian to eat something.
Azriel's shaky hands as she held onto him after a particularly bad nightmare that usually started keeping him up around the time his hands were burned, the anniversary o the time where an innocent little boy realised that the world was filled with cruelty.
Y/n being the first one to find out about Mor's liking in women and helping her sneak out to meet her lovers.
Y/n dragging gallons of fresh blood to Amren's apartment under the cover of the night when she knew the ancient being hadn't had the time to feast.
Her hands scrambled to find something to tether herself to, to remind her that this was not real and that it would pass. That her family did love her, and that they would never hurt her or want her to think this way of herself.
They would never hurt her the way she hurt herself.
They just wouldn't... would they?
Rhys's wide smile as he admired his mate while she spoke to a grinning Cassian, who in turn turned to Azriel to tease the blushing Illyrian. Mor, giggling over her glass of wine as she mumbled something to Elain, Nesta and Amren conversing in hushed tones next to the window, happiness shining on both their faces.
And Y/n watched on, huddled in her own little corner as she gulped down another glass of champagne, trying to focus on the burn in her throat as the liquor travelled down. Trying not to think of the way her breathing started coming in shorter pants, her lungs constricting in the too small rib cage that were set on killing her.
Trying to ignore the tang of copper in her mouth as she bit her own tongue, not wanting to speak and draw attention to herself, to ask for help because she was too unused to suffering in silence. Her family had always been there, and she had never had to go even a day without their constant nagging. She always had at least one of them guiding her through the worst of her days.
Trying not to think of how no one even glanced up as she exited the room, tears prickling her eyes, feeling like she was nothing but an intruder, watching from outside the warmth of the house, standing knee deep in the cold snow as she tried her best to keep warm by looking at the happy faces of her family, no matter how much she was freezing on the inside.
Her fingers curled around the lumpy material of her comforter, and she pushed forward, trying to ignore the tears that rolled down her warm cheeks and buried her head in the soft fabric.
And then let out the ear piercing scream she had been holding in, uncaring that she had let down the sound shield around her room.
She knew no one was around to hear.
She knew no one would come.
They were all too happy to worry.
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Her stomach was grumbling, and she was glad it was because otherwise it would've been the cause for concern, considering she hadn't eaten in almost a day.
She was still so tired and wanted to do nothing but lay in bed all day and cry, but she needed to eat too.
And so here she was, chopping up some vegetables in a daze, not really paying attention despite wanting to focus on something that took her mind off of her thoughts.
It was not easy to stop thinking, so when suddenly the fog in her mind cleared, she glanced down.
The red of her blood was bright, and the longer she stared, the quicker the pain came, but it was only a tiny sting, nothing more than the bite of an ant in the shape of a knife.
She stared, and stared.
And then, she lifted her eyes, her gaze settling on her dagger, unprompted.
She smiled.
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Writing was one of the parts of Y/n's responsibilities. Writing a letter to help the relations between the courts. A report for the high lord.
It was one of the things that broke her out of her own mind's torture, one of the things that made her feel like she wasn't entirely useless.
So here she was, just scribbling away senseless words in her journal, knowing she would hide it away before anyone saw it. Saw the blood stains.
For the first time in weeks, she was smiling, no tears to be found in her eyes as she lay on her stomach on the bed, her legs in the air behind her as she began doodling little flowers in the corner of the page, her inkpot next to her and her dagger in her other hand.
She went to dip in her feather pen in the ink, frowning a little as it created spots of ink on the crumpled paper, mixing with the dark red liquid that still dripped slowly from her fingers, little rivulets running down from her wrist.
As she continued, a tap on her mental walls had her pausing, and after a brief conversation with Rhys, she got up, closing her journal and beginning to clean the cuts on her wrist and around the journal and then donning a flowy, simple white gown.
It wasn't long before a knock sounded at her door, and she hurried to open it to find Cassian standing on her front porch, smiling.
"Hey Y/n, Rhys asked me to pick you up-"
Y/n nodded. "Yes I know, let me just grab my things and then we can go."
He shrugged, leaning against the doorframe.
She ran up the stairs and to her bedroom, grabbing the little bag she had put all her pens and previous reports into, deciding to carry them with her just in case.
She hurried back out within a few moments, but she saw that Cassian had moved, standing near the gates. Which was suspicious, but not too alarming as she stepped onto the porch.
"Let's go."
Before she shut the door Y/n turned and glanced around the house for the last time. Why, she didn't know. But she couldn't shake the feeling in her gut that something was wrong.
And she had known to always trust her gut.
But she turned around, locking the door before leaving.
Not realising her journal was missing from the table.
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"I really don't want to pressure you too much Y/n, so if you don't want to be a part of this research, I understand-"
"Rhys, this is no burden. I'm actually honoured you even considered me for this project."
His brows furrowed, his smile turning confused. "What are you talking about Y/n? You're one of the smartest people I know. Of course you are included-" he trailed off, his eyes filling with understanding. "How have you been Y/n?"
Y/n blinked, pretending not to understand what he meant by that. Of course Rhys knew she struggled with feeling worthy of her family, and of course he made that connection.
"I've been good, Rhys." Y/n mumbled, an easy grin on her face as if Rhys's concern was ridiculous.
"Have you had any recent episodes-"
"Guess what I found!"
He paused, both their heads turning to where Cassian's booming voice floated through the cracked door.
Y/n's whole body ran cold, and before she could even question the reaction of her body to something that wouldn't have concerned her before, she was stumbling out the door, following Cassian's voice to the sitting room, where everyone else was gathered.
Cassian was grinning as he explained to them how he had gone to pick Y/n's up from her house, and how he found-
Her secret diary.
Y/n's eyes widened, her legs refusing to move as her gaze locked on the book Cassian held in his hand.
"Oh, look, she's here too!" He turned to her, his expression carefree and inviting. "Never knew you had a diary Y/n. What will I find if I read through it? Your secret lover's name? His-"
"Cass." Y/n warned, finally getting herself to move forward as he danced back, his hands beginning to crack open the book.
"Will I find your secret fantasies-"
He stopped dead in his tracks, all the emotions gone from his face as he stared at the page he had opened, his features hard. Y/n waited with bated breath, her head turning to gauge everyone's reaction.
Mor sat with Nyx in her lap, bouncing him as she glanced between Y/n and Cassian. Feyre and Azriel exchanged confused glances before Azriel stood, stalking towards Cass.
Panicked, Y/n jumped forward, but before her hand could wrap around her journal, he pulled away, face pale.
"What is this?"
"None of your business."
Azriel had stopped, his eyes wide as he stared at Y/n.
That's when Y/n realised he had smelled the blood she left on the pages.
Damn it.
Y/n stepped back towards the exit as she felt all the eyes on her, panic starting to dig its claws in her gut and begin its ascent up her throat as the shadows curled around Azriel's ear and his eyes went to her wrist, covered by the long sleeves of her dress.
Y/n turned to find Rhys standing in the doorway, his eyes filled with tears.
"Why?"
She glanced once at everyone, tears starting to fill her own eyes, her face flushing in embarrassment, mad that she had started crying over nothing, and pushed past Rhys, running towards the front door.
"Y/n!"
They will be mad.
You deserve it.
Y/n fled the river house, ignoring the concerned looks thrown her way by the people on the streets as she ran straight to her house.
They hate you.
The door slammed shut behind her as she leaned against it, gasping for breath as her lungs started contracting painfully, refusing to let her breathe.
The breathlessness was starting to creep up again on her.
It was happening again.
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Acotar Taglist: @bubybubsters @eos-princess @nightless @harrystylesfan2686
@cassie6392 @kennedy-brooke @tele86 @miluiel1
@hnyclover @minnieoo @sidrapotter @piceous21
@mybestfriendmademe @saltedcoffeescotch @eve175 @starsinyourseyes
@starswholistenanddreamsanswered @cumuluscranium @byyalady @lilah-asteria
@girlswithimagination @gardenofrunar @girlswithimagination @sunnyspycat
@artists-ally @riddlesb1tch @milswrites @berryzxx
Azriel Taglist: @darthdumbasss @foreverrandomwritings @azrielsmate3 @celestialend
@stqrgirlies-blog @tele86 @bakananya @xyzmeh
@st4r-girl-official @caraaaaugh @nacho-nat @allllium
@fandomarchiveilyd @nickishadow139
Cassian Taglist: @moonlwghts @samslittlespoon @nickishadow139
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vaguesxrrow · 4 months ago
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hii! i was wondering if i could request a Dean Winchester x reader with an established relationship, and i had this prompt in my head [could possibly be used as future inspo's for you fics too if you'd like :>]
basically, the relationship between them is pretty new, like only a month or two new, and reader has claustrophobia, but never told him or Sam.
and for a case, they have to go into an elevator, which is fine, and reader seems to do a good job at pretending it doesnt freak them out that they're in a convined space (elevator is pretty tiny, even for elevator standarts)
but then it suddenly stays still, and gets stuck bc of electrical issues.
so now they're stuck in an elevator for who knows how long, and reader tries their best to stay calm, but Dean knows better and now that the elevator is staying still he notices the microexpressions, the panic, the fear.
and its just super fluffy with him helping reader deal with it untill the elevator is back on track
thanks! and have a great day!
i lovee all your requests sm, especially bc they challenge me to write new things <33 i rlly like how this turned out so i hope u do to !
dean winchester / claustrophobic!reader
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a/n: i have no personal experience with claustrophobia but i researched it as much as i could. however sorry if it still sounds unrealistic !
cws: panic attacks, claustrophobia
wc: 785
tags: gender neutral reader, hurt/comfort, fluff, humour
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"can we even fit in there?" dean asked dubiously, clearly unimpressed at the elevator that stood before you. "i mean, this has gotta be a health hazard, man, cause what is this?" he banged the doors as he stepped inside.
"it's fine, dean, stop being dramatic." you rolled your eyes, trying to fight the wave of panic (or was that vomit?) rising up inside you.
not letting yourself think about it any further, you stepped in after dean. at first, you thought it was just your claustrophobia whispering how this elevator looked like a death trap. but then your (wonderful, by the way) boyfriend dean had pointed it out himself, and wasn't that just awesome?
you weren't irritated at him, but at the situation itself. you and dean had only been dating for a month, and definitely hadn't reached the 'divulge your deepest fears and secrets to each other' stage.
you could tell dean about your claustrophobia now, but what else was there to do? the stairs in this building had been destroyed by the vampires you knew nested on the top floor.
in conclusion, the elevator was the only way.
determined, you punched the button to the 17th floor. this was fine.
dean prattled on about the job. something about 4 vampires, killing 3 residents until the others had to evacuate...
suddenly, the elevator groaned to a stop, on the 10th floor. you hit the buttons again. god, it had been going so well.
"what happened?" you asked. the lights began to flicker. "is there a ghost here, too?"
both of you scanned the area as best as you could, having to shuffle around awkwardly to look at the whole area.
"nah," dean finally said. "probably just electrical issues."
you sighed. "it's gonna be humiliating calling sam to rescue us."
"tell me about it." dean rolled his eyes, even as he dialed his brother's number. "yeah, sammy, [name] and i got into a bit of a situation... no, dumbass, we're not dying-"
you forced a laugh at the boy's banter, even as the walls seemed to be closing in on you. breathe in and out, you chanted internally.
"-if you could just come get us..." dean glanced at you, pausing in surprise for a second. "hey, sammy, i gotta go, just get here as quick as you can, would ya?" he hung up, tucking his phone back into his pocket. you were too focused on keeping your emotions in check to notice dean had become alerted to your subtle panic, and was now giving you his full attention.
"you okay, [name]?" he asked.
you forced a teasing grin. "fine, just wishing i had some fresh air to get away from your stink."
"that's a smooth evasion if i've ever heard one, but it ain't gonna work on me, hot stuff." he wiped away a miniscule bead of sweat from your forehead. "literally."
you closed your eyes. he had clocked you - no point in keeping up the act now, even if it was embarrassing.
"can i touch you?"
you nodded. he put an arm around your shoulder, his other hand lightly grasping yours. he guided it to his chest where his heart was. "you feel my heartbeat?"
you murmured an affirmation.
"alright, it quickened a bit there, but that's the effect you have on me." he winked. "how fast is it? does it match the.. what was it, bpm, of any song?"
you shook your head at him in confusion. "what?"
"answer the question, [name]." he rolled his eyes, flushing slightly.
you furrowed your brow as you thought. "wanted dead or alive, bon jovi?"
he smirked. "awh, that's awesome. now you get to bear witness to my rendition of it."
that alone was so unexpected it startled a laugh out of you. "excuse me?"
he began swaying, jostling you in the process. "you heard me. i'm a cowboy, on a steel horse i riiide." he spun around, although it was more of an awkward twirl. "i'm wantedddd..." he held out both hands to you, tugging you close when you took them. "dead or aliiiveeee!"
you snorted loudly at his attempt to hold the last note, and yelped in surprise when the elevator lurched back into movement. dean's hug tightened, steadying you.
"i must be one hell of a singer if that was all it took to get the elevator sorted," he remarked, looking hilariously proud of himself.
"that's one way to put it." your previous panic and embarrassment had dissipated, leaving only gratitude for your boyfriend. "thanks."
he kissed you briefly. "no problem. but can you imagine the look on sammy's face when he gets here and we don't need help anymore? ha, imagine that!"
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jjuniehao · 2 years ago
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[02:39 pm]: bang chan
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“come on, you need some fresh air!” you whine, squeezing chan’s cheeks when he still won’t budge, “maybe touching some grass, too. all you do is sit in this stuffy room, you probably have brain cells dying by the minute!”
chan breaks through his straight-faced demeanour and snorts at you, hands finding your waist and pulling you onto his lap, chin resting on your shoulder.
“baby, i’d love to, really. i wanna go on a real date with you so bad, but right now i just can’t spare the time, i’m sorry,” he mumbles, imagining the scowl you’re most likely wearing on your face right now, pressing a kiss behind your ear in hopes of soothing you a little.
his hopes be damned. though.
you groan, taking your boyfriend by surprise when you rise up from his lap, placing your hands on his shoulders and bending your knees to be on eye level with him.
“listen, mister. i get it, okay? i get it so hard— really, i understand, work is demanding and it’s hard to stay on top,” the serious look on your face makes him break out in a goofy smile, nodding along in hopes of maybe, perhaps receiving some praise for being such a diligent, hard worker from his favourite person…?
“but,” your tone drastically changes, furrowed eyebrows and lips pulled into a pout he’d really love to kiss instead of having you rip into him and his “capitalistic victim mindset” that “keeps him working until he eventually disintegrates with no trace left since he lived to work instead of working to live.”
pretty dramatic, but he gets your point. kinda.
“i’ve tried it all. i tried to be all caring and gentle to get you to take a break for just one night, i even brought cupcakes!”
“they were so good, ba—“
“i tried to be strict, i tried to be all smart and brought up all the health issues overworking and stress can cause,” chan looks at you sheepishly, feeling a little guilty for getting you so worried and desperate, though it also makes his heart flutter in a weird, twisted way.
“so i’m just going to be honest, and maybe a little selfish, and you’ll be the good boyfriend i know you are and agree with me, okay?” chan blinks at you, and before he can even come up with a counter, you have his cheeks cupped in your hands, determined eyes boring into his.
“i miss you. i miss spending time with you. i want my boyfriend. you always say i’m allowed to be a little selfish, so i’m cashing that in right now. i want to be selfish and i want you to go and have this cute little picnic i prepared. i even made mini sandwiches. do you know how annoying it is to cut lettuce into little squares?” chan stays quiet for a while. every second of silence makes the confidence you had built up shatter a little more, your eyes starting to nervously dart all over his face.
suddenly, you’re pulled back into his lap, face in his hands, cheeks squished, frantic kisses planted all over your face.
“wah, you’re so cute. what am i gonna do with you? how am i gonna work from now on when all i’ll be able to think about is your little speech?” he whines, pressing a kiss to your lips every few words, making you burst out in giggles he loves so much. “is that a yes?” the hopefulness in your voice makes chan melt, stealing another quick kiss from you.
“yeah but also no? i have maybe,” he reaches towards his phone laying on the desk, checking the time, “around 20 minutes. think we can make it outside, eat, and be back in that time?” chan is almost sure you’ll refuse, upset that he can’t spare you a little more time. instead, you practically shoot up from his lap, “well, then what are you waiting for?”
and with that you’re flying out the door and down the hall, chan scrambling to catch up with you, stupid lovestruck smile on his face.
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part of the bucketlist boyfriends series
*i can’t link it since it messes w the tags </3
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chimcess · 8 months ago
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Waterlog || pjm (2)
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Pairing: Jimin x Reader Other tags: Olympic Swimmer!Jimin, Ex Olympic Swimmer! Reader, Swim Coach!Reader Genre: Strangers to Friends to Lovers!AU, Coach!AU, Swimming!AU, HEAVY Angst, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, fluff, eventual smut, I'm so soft for these two it's crazy. Word Count: 11.5k+ Synopsis: After a car accident ends her athletic career, Y/N has slowly started rebuilding her life again as a high school swim coach. That’s until she gets a request from an old friend and finds herself back in the spotlight as the new coach of Olympic swimmer, Park Jimin. Warnings: PINING, sexual tension, sad backstory, parental issues, more than likely bad swimming terminology, probably some bad work out advice, i'm trying my best lol, tae is too much but i love him, talks of past drug use (not reader or jimin), strong language, mental health things, medication use, allusions to depression, did i say pining?, reader is horny and awkward 99% of the time, can we blame her?, mood swings, i think they are so cute together, i promise more romance is coming soon A/N: Howdy. I know we're having a pretty slow start, but I think it'll be worth it in the end. I enjoy a good slow burn, especially when there's so much awkward sexual tension involved. Thanks for reading!!!
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Waking up the next morning, I was greeted by a loud knocking on my door. Stumbling, I told whoever it was that I was on my way. The knocking stopped but was quickly followed by Violet’s loud voice. My things were here, and I needed to let the movers inside.
“Christian and Kook are here already,” She added. “Managed to get an extra pair of hands, too.”
I changed into a pair of jeans and threw on a pull over. It was not supposed to be as cold today, but I did not think a short-sleeved shirt would be enough to keep me warm. Sliding into my boots, I opened the front door.
Violet was there, her hair in a braid again, wearing a blue plaid shirt and bootcut jeans. Beside her was Jimin, a large smile already on his face. Two other men were here. I was certain I had seen one of them before. He was very handsome with a heart shaped face and soft chin, large, asymmetrical brown eyes, and downturned lips. His hair was very obviously dyed, the blue so bright when the sun hit it my eyes hurt.
The other man was less familiar. His hair was black, styled into a trendy wolf cut, with his bangs pulled out of his face into a ponytail. He had a pure, youthful, and elegant look about him, and a few piercings. There was one on his eyebrow, one on his bottom lip, and so many on each ear I could not count them all. If I could describe him in a single word, it would be cartoonish. His eyes took up most of his face, large and doe-like, with all of his other features soft and small. Like the blue haired man, he was very handsome.
This upset me more than it should have, because despite how wonderful they both looked, all I could think about was how much I preferred Jimin. It was incomparable, actually. While they were certainly my type, I could only see how not Jimin-like their features were.
“Good morning,” I greeted them awkwardly, my voice scratchy. “I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you both.”
“It’s such an honor to meet you,” The blue haired man’s enthusiasm caught me off guard. Despite me never making the move to shake either one of their hands, he reached for mine anyway. He reminded me of a labrador retriever, and I could imagine a tail wagging in time with his vigorous handshake. “I’m Taehyung Kim. I used to watch you, like, all the time back in the day.”
I knew that name. Studying his face a little more, it hit me. Taehyung Kim, a.k.a., The Seal of Michigan, a.k.a, V. I never understood why he had been given that last one, but it must have some sort of meaning to him because the guy lights up when anyone uses it. He was a famous snowboarder and had been to the 2020 winter Olympics. He was just a few months younger than Jimin.
“That’s very kind of you to say,” I gripped his hand back a bit more now. “I watched you at the last Olympics. You did great.”
He blushed and let go of my hand, “I didn’t win anything, but I had a lot of fun.”
That was true. The kid was brand new on the scene and let some of his nerves get to him. I had learned the hard way that hesitation could ruin a great performance, but I was sure he would do better in January. The Winter Olympics were always a few months ahead of summer, and I would surely be watching Taehyung this year. If I was going to spend time with Jimin then I would need to get along with his friends.
“It’s not always about winning,” I tried to comfort him. “I didn’t win every time either.”
That placated him. Jimin quickly introduced me to Jungkook after. He was an NHL player for the Red Wings. I admitted that I had no idea who he was and never really watched hockey before, but that only made Jungkook swear to make me an avid fan before I left Michigan. For some reason, I believed him.
It did not take long for the movers to get all of my furniture and boxes into the house. With the boys’ help, I was tipping the two men much earlier than I anticipated. All three of them insisted on helping me unpack despite me telling them I could do it on my own. The place was entirely too small for the four of us, but we managed to make it work.
I had told them my bedroom was off limits. I unpacked my clothes and put my underwear away. My room was the largest in the house. With enough space for my full-sized bed, nightstands, and dresser, I was pleased. The only downside was not having a closet, but I did not bring anything nice enough for it to really matter. It was inconvenient but not the end of the world.
I was, however, happy to see more color. My blanket was dark orange, pillowcases covered in baby pink cow print, and the otter plushie Namjoon’s mom made me was resting right in between them. I installed some simple shelving above my bed, warmly lit Christmas lights wrapped around the bars, where I displayed my books and a few of my plants. The rest were lined up on the windowsill beside the bed.
Brightly colored art now hung on the walls, a large mirror above my dresser, and a peg board for my earrings made the space feel lived in. Whatever books could not fit on my shelves got stacked and put on the nightstand. I still wanted to buy a rug and curtains, but that was on the bottom of my list of priorities.
The boys were all talking and laughing as they worked which helped me relax. I hated being trapped in quiet spaces. Finished with my room, I went to check in with them and move things around. I doubted any of them would get the knick-knacks just right.
“Don’t worry about the decorations,” I said, announcing my presence. Taehyung was staring at two of my paintings with mild panic. “I’ll take that.”
Snatching the photos, I smiled at him. The living room was coming together nicely. Jungkook pushed the dark green loveseat against the wall and all of my throws were on top of it. My largest potted plant was beside it and I decided then I would keep it there. Moving the throw pillows to the floor, I started to put my wall art up. Hoseok complained that I was going to become a hoarder if I bought any more shit. Andrea, however, said that I had great taste, so I listened to her instead.
“You’re a big face of Earthy colors,” Jungkook said, looking around the house. “Lots of plants, too.”
I shrugged, “My fiancé had a lot of succulents and stuff, so I guess it rubbed off on me after a while.”
In truth, Namjoon not only had succulents and cacti, but an entire apartment filled with plants. He had a small garden in the back, vegetables and herbs growing in despite the weather in Colorado making it difficult. The man had a green thumb and loved taking care of things. I had been in charge of them once we moved in together and learned to love it. Even after he died, I couldn’t imagine not having at least five plants in the house.
I noticed the room had gone eerily quiet. I realized then what I had said. It was the first time I had spoken about Namjoon with any of them. Knowing I had made the atmosphere awkward, I tried to break up the tension.
“What colors do you like, Jungkook?”
I could physically feel the mood lighten.
“Black,” His reply was quick. I groaned. He laughed. “What? I like the clean look.”
“It’s not clean,” I argued. “It’s depressing.”
Taehyung took my side, “My house isn’t as decorated as yours, but I have more going on than either one of them. I’m a huge fan of video games and photography so I have a lot of stuff hanging up.”
“Don’t listen to him,” Jimin chimed in from the bathroom. He placed himself in charge of getting that room squared away. “His place isn’t as nice as yours. It’s all cluttered and disorganized."
“Nu uh,” Taehyung argued childishly.
“Dude, you have stuff everywhere,” Jungkook shot back, handing me another picture frame.
“They’re lying,” Taehyung told me.
“You’re so full of shit, Tae,” Jungkook sighed.
“Literally the dumbest thing to lie about,” Jimin snarkily threw in from the bathroom.
“Bullies,” Taehyung was addressing me again and this time I could not help my chuckles. “They always gang up on me.”
As the boys continued to bicker, I worked. I finished hanging up the art above the sofa and got to organizing the throws. Taehyung had already pulled out my rug, and I started figuring out how I wanted to place all of the floor pillows. Namjoon never used the couch, no one in his family did, and I had become so conscious of their comfort that I always had a large array of pillows on the floor for them to use. After a few years, I had joined them, and I kept up the trend once I moved to the Springs. The sofa was little more than decoration.
“Damn, these are nice.”
Looking over my shoulder, I was surprised to see Jungkook holding up one of my medals. I was positive I had not packed it and the box he was hunched over was completely unfamiliar as well. Embarrassment and anger swelled up in my chest. I had placed Minho and Tilly in charge of coordinating with the movers so I could focus on work and training Hoseok before I left. If I had to guess, Tilly had thought it wise to ship over a large package of my most prized possessions for some God forsaken reason.
“I don’t know why those are here,” I hoped my voice sounded playful and carefree. I did not want another tense moment. “One of my friends must have packed them.”
“Holy shit,” Taehyung was now holding the medal. “These are heavy. You have so many.”
Walking over to the box, I took out the rest of the medals. Tilly had only packed four of the eight Olympic medals I owned, probably running out of room. Framed photos of me swimming, with the rest of my team, and my coach were also in the box. My swimsuit from the last Olympics I competed at was folded at the very bottom of the box, my goggles and cap wrapped up in the fabric, and underneath it was something I had not been expecting. A framed photograph.
I remembered that night as if it were yesterday. I was eighteen coming off the back of two major wins and making my mark in the athletic community. I had just moved to Denver; Victor had gotten divorced the year prior and his ex-wife moved to Colorful Colorado taking his daughter with her. My coach demanded he was close enough to see her every weekend. It really did not matter to me where I lived, so it was one of the easier decisions I had to make.
I knew Hoseok lived in the area, and we had always been friendly at the meets we had in common. I ended up getting his number from Ozzie and after getting coffee I knew we would be friends for life. The picture was taken at his New Year’s Eve Party. I needed to get laid, he had said, and he knew a few guys he thought I might hit it off with. That was where I met Namjoon.
He was a college student, fresh faced and stumbling over his words. I was charmed by him almost instantly, even if Hoseok was positive the two of us were too different to last. I could recall the smell of fireworks in the air, the way his voice cracked whenever another one would go off, and how excited his eyes looked whenever I asked him about his major. Namjoon spoke for hours about Philosophy, all of his favorite poets, and the way he believed the universe worked. He was so clumsy it was practically a disability, and the loud sounds were so nerve wracking, he flinched whenever the fireworks boomed.
Picking up the small picture, I smiled. It was taken right after midnight. Hoseok’s sister said we looked so sweet that she could not help herself. I had all but ripped Namjoon’s hair out when the countdown began, kissing him before midnight ever came. His hands rested gently on my hips, and he huffed like he had run a marathon when we finally pulled apart. His breath was hot when he went back in for more, panting into my mouth as I clung to him like an addict. It was a beautiful moment. It was a moment I would never forget.
Suddenly, I was no longer mad at Matilda. I was sure it had been her who did this. Minho would not go through so much trouble if he thought it would upset me. Either way, I was happy to have the picture. While I was no longer in love with Namjoon, my heart slowly healing itself and making space for someone new, I would never forget our time together. It was too perfect, too magical; too loving to forget.
“Is that him?” Taehyung asked. The way he said it told me that he knew what had happened. I doubted there was a person in our world who didn't know. “The guy who died?”
I nodded, “His name was Namjoon.”
“Damn, that’s rough,” Jungkook’s voice was very gentle, and I could hear the compassion in it. “Sorry to hear that. Hope you’re doing okay.”
I smiled at him and nodded, “It was a few years ago.”
Taehyung was the one who broke the moment this time and I was grateful for the reprieve.
“These aren’t all of them, right?” He pointed at the medals still in the box. "Olympic medals, I mean."
I shook my head, “No but I guess she just grabbed the ones I had at my house. The other four I keep at my school. They’re in a case in my office.”
The ones Tilly had packed away were from 2012. Andrea had been the one to convince me to bring my other medals to school. Before that I had them all stored in a box in the deepest corner of my basement. I hated looking at them. Hated everything that they represented. The only reason these had been hanging up was because I could not be bothered taking them down.
“Where should we put them?” Jungkook asked.
I shrugged, “No idea. Just keep them in the box for now.”
Truthfully, I had no intention of putting them anywhere. While happy to have the photo of Namjoon and I, my feelings on dragging these things around had not changed. I would be very upset if I lost or damaged any of this stuff. Putting everything away, save the picture, I closed the box back up and placed the photo on my coffee table. I would find a better place for it later.
Like all of the times I had been around him, Jimin bled into the background. I listened for his voice, waited for him to add something to the conversation, but he kept to himself. Even when he left the bathroom and joined the three of us, he only answered in one-word sentences and made sound effects to show he was listening. Taehyung and Jungkook seemed used to it, so I had to believe this was just how Jimin normally was.
“You should come and grab some drinks with us,” Jungkook smiled at me.
The boys were going out for a late lunch since we finished a little later than we had thought we would. I was appreciative that they had invited me out but declined the offer. All of them were disappointed.
“Why not?” Taehyung wiggled a large set of keys at me. I could not imagine what all of them could be for and the sound they made when they moved bothered me. “You worried the food’s going to suck or something?”
I shook my head, laughing, “No, it’s nothing like that. I just don’t feel comfortable going to a bar.”
Jimin smiled at me, a small, tight-lipped smile, and I almost laughed at myself when I realized I was holding my breath. I was being ridiculous. I would call Hoseok tonight to get my head screwed back on.
“It’s not a bar,” It was heavenly to hear his voice again. “Taehyung and I don’t drink. Jungkook just likes to sit at the bar so he can watch the games.”
“Oh,” I replied dumbly. “I guess I can come along then.”
Jimin offered to give me a ride while Jungkook and Taehyung rode in the hockey player's beat up Jeep. He was just as quiet on the ride to the restaurant as he was back at the house, and while I wanted to break him out of whatever shell he had put around himself, I had no idea how. We were supposed to work together and barely spoke. Ozzie was not going to be happy about this.
“What time are we getting your car?”
I jumped, not prepared for the question. His eyes were still on the road, and it looked like he was forcing himself to not look my way. It hurt my feelings, but I knew I would have to get over it. Whatever his problem was, it had nothing to do with me and I would not let it get in between our working relationship.
“Whenever you want to go,” I replied, going back to looking out of the window.
“We’ll pick it up after we eat. My mom invited you over for dinner. by the way. If you're up for it.”
This had been the most he had said all day, but his voice was off. It was embarrassing how quickly I had become attuned to his little mannerisms, but I was so sure that something was wrong with him it was eerie. His tone was flat and disinterested, and I knew I had done nothing to upset him. Something was obviously bothering him, and I would have to silently support him in my own way. I was not comfortable being more upfront and something told me that Jimin would not like my overstepping.
“I might,” I purposely kept my tone light, hoping he did not realize I could see the darkness in his eyes. Looking at him, I asked, “What is she making?”
“Beef and radish stew,” The mundane topic seemed to ease his frown. “She got a yellow corvina from the Asian market yesterday so she’s going to roast it. Do you like fish?”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “It sounds nice. I’ll go.”
A ghost of a smile graced his pretty face and I felt like I had won the lottery. Carefully composed, I looked back out of the window, hiding my little smile behind my hand. He was quiet again, the only sounds in the car being our breathing, but it felt lighter. Finally, I let myself admire the scenery.
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Taehyung and Jungkook were already at the bar when we arrived and as soon as we sat down, the snowboarder was quick to hog all of my attention. While Jungkook watched a baseball game on the big screens, Taehyung talked animatedly about his family. Jimin was quietly sipping on a Coke in the seat next to me. It was strange to see how easily his friends ignored him. Like they knew he did not feel like talking.
“My sisters are both in college,” Taehyung continued to ramble. “Twins. It was a nightmare being the baby brother.”
I nodded along and tried my best to keep up with him. I kept getting distracted by Jimin. He barely moved and seemed to be mindlessly watching the tv. He looked so sad it broke my heart. Still, no one else said anything so I kept my thoughts to myself.
“Oh!” Taehyung gasped, noticing a few people who walked in. “I’m going to go say ‘hi.’ It was so great meeting you.”
With a bright smile, Taehyung told the boys about the group and Jungkook decided to join him. Jimin did not even acknowledge he had said anything. Leaving us alone, the restaurant was loud and filled with their chattering.
“Are you hungry?” I asked, trying to make conversation. Picking up the menu the bartender had left with Taehyung when we first arrived, I gave it a quick once over. “We can split an appetizer.”
Jimin looked tired and sad, but I did not know what to say or do for him. We were not lovers, not even friends. We were a pair of strangers who were expected to work together. This seemed much easier over the phone. I took a nervous sip of my drink.
“What are you thinking?” Just the sound of him talking eased my anxiety.
“Uh,” I had barely looked at their menu and pointed to a random item. “Fried pickles?”
Jimin smiled lazily and looked at me, his eyes amused.
“You don’t sound very sure of yourself.”
I shrugged, embarrassed. “I just said the first thing I saw.”
Putting his cup down, Jimin grabbed the menu from my hands and laid it flat on the bar. We leaned over the small paper, our knees touching. I could smell his cologne now and my mouth watered. He smelled so good I struggled to focus.
“Most of the shit here is awful,” His voice had more life in it now and I was glad to see the corners of his mouth pulled up. “Only things worth getting are the chips and salsa, fried cheese, and pasties. The pizza is fine, too, but not worth the money.”
Talking distracted him from whatever had been on his mind, and it made Jungkook and Taehyung’s behavior odd. They were obviously very close, but if I could see how much happier he looked when he was shooting the shit, how couldn’t they? They probably knew something I didn’t, but it did nothing but rub me the wrong way. My friends would annoy me until I had no choice but to talk back.
“Chips are usually pretty safe,” We both agreed on it. “Do you just want chips? I don’t mind getting you a burger or something.”
He shook his head, “Like I said, most of the shit here is awful. Don’t waste your money.”
I ordered the chips for us, and the bartender was happy to help us out. This place was pathetically empty save us and the group Jungkook and Taehyung ditched us for. They were very loud and rowdy, something Jimin said was completely normal. Apparently, they all knew one another but he hadn’t felt like spending time with any of them.
“Are you feeling alright?” I asked, heart pounding. My anxiety over the question was ridiculous, but I felt like this was a good moment to ask. We were both comfortable and the tightness around his eyes was finally eased.
“Just one of those days,” He replied, voice soft.
I sighed, “I get them, too. They’re the fucking worst.”
He chuckled darkly, “It’s like you wake up and that’s already taken all of the energy you had for the day.”
“Why’d you come to the house?” I asked, flagging the bartender for a refill. “I wouldn’t have been upset if you bailed.”
Jimin flushed, “I said I was coming so I came.”
No, I thought, you thought I was going to be mad if you hadn’t shown up. Hamilton had this poor kid so fucked up and scared it pissed me off. As long as I knew Matt, he had always been an ass, but to think he had his trainee putting shit before his mental health and wellbeing made whatever sliver of respect I had for him vanish.
I took a long sip of my drink, “We can’t work together if you don’t talk to me. That will piss me off way more than you canceling on me.”
“Okay,” He let out a very large breath. “I’ll let you know next time.”
As we ate our chips, we moved into safer waters. Jimin was still less talkative in person, but nowhere near as tense as he had been all morning. I found that music was one of his favorite things, and I discussed my own interests in more depth and detail than I ever had before. Jimin’s taste was varied but stuck mostly in 90s R&B and soft Indie artists I had never heard of. At some point I ordered spicy wings and had to admit Jimin was right- they really were awful.
We left the other two behind to go and pick up my car. Jungkook and Taehyung seemed more than happy to watch us leave and the large table barely acknowledged my presence. Jimin accepted their happy shouts when he approached, hugging the ones who stood up to greet him, and forced one of his small, pitiful smiles at a particular brunette who kept batting her eyelashes at him. He introduced me but none of them seemed to really care. Especially the brunette.
“Let me get your number,” Taehyung said to me, holding out a hand for my phone. “We need to hang out again.”
I was nervous about giving him a way to contact me. He reminded me of Tilly, though ten times more energetic, and she always found a way to get on my nerves (the box being one of many examples). Taehyung had yet to overstep the imaginary boundaries I had, but his complete lack of personal space etiquette was astounding. He touched me more in one day than any of my friends in an entire year. He seemed like the type of person to text every day and send a million pictures of himself doing random shit. Even with that in mind, I handed my phone over. He was too nice to say no to.
“Do you like sushi?” Taehyung asked, handing me my phone. “There’s a great place in Detroit we can go to.”
The idea of being trapped in a car with the snowboarder for 45 minutes was not appealing. I could only imagine how much he could talk when he was really excited about something. I would entertain the idea if Jungkook or Jimin came as a buffer, especially if one of them could sit up front. Taehyung yapping away in my ear would give me the biggest migraine I had ever had, and my anxiety over not being entirely focused on the road would make me snippy and rude.
“Only if I can come,” Jungkook piped up. “You’re not going to Bash without me, dude.”
“Well yeah,” Taehyung rolled his eyes. “Y/N has to meet Milo and Darcy,” He looked at me, grinning happily. “I think you would really get along.”
I had no idea who either of those people were, but I did not want to ask any questions. Jimin was inching back towards me and telling the others goodbye, and I did not want to hold him up. Taehyung started making plans that I did not pay any attention to. He could always text me when he figured out what he wanted.
“We have to get going,” Jimin was back beside me. “Y/N’s car is sitting at the dealership. It was good seeing everyone.”
I waved at the table and started walking away before Taehyung could touch me. He was definitely a hugger. Jimin was quick to catch up with me, giggling about my “escape.” It had started to snow again, gentle flurries twisting and turning in the wind, and I had forgotten my heavy jacket at home. The long sleeve I was wearing would do nothing to keep me warm.
“Here,” Jimin taking off his jacket. “You need this more than me.”
Draping it over my shoulders, Jimin told me to zip it up. Stunned, I moved on autopilot and shoved my arms through the sleeves. Everything smelled like him, oranges and spice, and his warmth was still clinging to the thick fleece. I could not remember the last time someone had given me their jacket. Dazed, I followed Jimin out to the parking lot, eyes locked on his back. He was in nothing but a thin, black and white striped shirt.
“Thanks,” I said once we were both in the truck, already shrugging out of the light beige jacket. “You didn’t have to do that.”
He held up a hand, “Keep it. The heater is out.”
I shook my head, “What about you?”
He reached into the back and held up a purple hoodie.
“I’ll be alright.”
I put the jacket back on and buckled in. Jimin slipped into the sweatshirt and started the truck. After buckling up, he backed out of the parking lot. I caught sight of the brunette as we left. She was red faced, shouting into her phone. I looked away. Whoever she was angry with was definitely getting an earful.
“Wonder what Tom did this time,” Jimin mumbled.
“Hm?”
“Tom’s Annie’s boyfriend,” He supplied. “They’re always arguing. Worse than Jungkook and Darcy, they break up every other week, but Tom and Annie are at each other's throats every other day.”
I grimaced, “Sounds like my friends. They finally called it quits last year, but they were insufferable.”
Jimin chuckled, “So, what’s Colorado like?”
I talked to him about Andrea and Seokjin first, how we met and how much I loved their daughter. Hoseok and I’s friendship got quite a few laughs out of him, but those quickly died off when I brought up Namjoon. I told him about the day we met and the coffee date that happened a few days later, and that seemed to brighten up the mood again. Namjoon stories were bittersweet but took up such a large chunk of my life it was impossible to gloss over.
“When’s the toxic couple coming up?” He joked.
“I’m getting there,” I replied.
Hoseok and Matilda had known one another longer than the rest of us. Growing up together, no one was surprised when they finally hooked up in high school. It was, however, short lived bliss. Matilda got caught up in the wrong crowd and began doing drugs. Hoseok had tried to help her get through it, but they could never see eye-to-eye. That started their toxic cycle of getting back together, Tilly going to rehab, her relapsing, and them falling out again. It was not until she went two years ago that it managed to stick, but their relationship was too tumultuous to make it very far. They decided to stay friends and she became a constant member in our group.
“That’s crazy,” Jimin shook his head. “Happy she’s doing better now.”
“Me too.”
The rest of the drive was spent talking about Colorado and how beautiful it was. He stayed away from swimming, mostly wanting to hear about the school I worked at and the places I went to in my free time. He kept me talking for the entire 45-minute car ride, question after question keeping me on my toes. He did not like talking about himself, whenever I tried to switch the conversation to his own interests he barely responded before going back to his interrogation. Before I knew it, we were pulled into the dealership and getting down.
“You can leave,” I told him.
“I want to make sure you’re good before I go,” He replied.
The cashier was lovely, her voice bubbly and sweet as she helped me out. Jimin lingered longer than he needed to, helping me fill out my paperwork and making small talk with the dealer. I took my keys and went for a quick test drive before I was finally able to convince Jimin to leave.
The drive back was quiet. I was used to the silence when I drove, but Jimin’s voice had been soothing. Frankly, I was a bit bored without him around. I decided to call Matila and ask about my medals. She apologized but I doubted how sincere she actually was. After catching up with her, hearing all about the guy she went on a date with, and a five-minute rant about Hoseok spending way too much money on Minho’s birthday present, I hung up before she could give me a migraine. As much as I liked Tilly, she was someone I had very little patience for and her voice, high pitched and loud, was like nails on a chalkboard.
I got back in town a little after 3. Violet and Calvin were both home and watching some black and white Western. Calvin offered to make me lunch, but I was quick to decline. I just wanted some space.
As soon as I got in my apartment, I curled up in bed to take a nap. I was overwhelmed after talking so much and desperately needed to recharge. I set an alarm for 5 so I could make it over to the Park house in time for dinner. Quickly sending a quick text to Hoseok, I turned on thunderstorm sounds and closed my eyes.
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Na-Yeon and James were both excited to see me, talking about their days and asking how I was settling in. Eloise was there as well, the twins in the back room playing again. Jimin was going to be late. He had gone for a last-minute swim with Milo. When I asked them who that was, it was Eloise who answered.
“That’s Vincent’s fiancé.”
“Who?” I was even more confused.
“Taehyung,” Na-Yeon answered. “You know he hates that name as much as Jimin hates his, Lou."
Eloise blushed, her entire face turning a bright shade of red.
“Sorry,” She scratched behind her ear. Looking back at me, she sighed, “We went to school together. Old habit.”
Now V made sense. It never occurred to me that Jungkook and Taehyung could have their own American names, and neither one introduced themselves that way either. James came to take the seat beside mine, the dining table more crowded then was reasonably necessary.
“Does Jungkook have a second name?” I asked.
“Ian,” Eloise replied. “He goes by both, so I don’t think he cares as much as Tae and Jimin. I know his girlfriend uses both.”
I assumed that was Darcy. Why else would Taehyung assume she would go with us on a day trip to Detroit?
“They call him Ian on the team, too,” James chimed in. “His name is too hard.”
Namjoon never had an American name, at least, not one I had ever heard. The only person I could think of was Hoseok. A lot of his friends called him Jay, something about an old nickname from school, but that was it. Seokjin just went by Jin, Namjoon went by Joon, and Minho went by…well, Minho. None of their parents used American-Friendly names, and Seokjin’s father’s English was still poor even after living here for so long.
“Y/N,” Na-Yeon brought me back to the conversation. “What banchan do you like?”
“My eomeo-nim made these delicious, braised potatoes,” I answered, thinking back on our dinners together. “Kimchi, of course. My ex made the best braised lotus roots. They were always yummy.”
Na-Yeon seemed pleased by my answer. James and Eloise started rambling about their own favorites. Unlike Namjoon, Mr.Park was a big fan of seafood. He grew up in Busan near the Jagalchi Market, which, according to him, was the largest seafood market in South Korea. Eloise talked a little about her favorite Korean dishes before jumping into what she grew up eating. Her father was Scottish and her mother French, so one night she was eating Scottish Pie and daube niçoise the next. It was fun hearing more about Eloise. I would have never guessed she was a first generation American.
“It’s something Tony and I had in common,” She added. “He learned quite a bit of French before he died. Unfortunately, my Korean is taking much longer.”
“Mine isn’t that great either,” I admitted. “Namjoon’s family spoke English and never liked to make me feel awkward. I can follow a conversation fairly well, but only if you speak slowly.”
James laughed, “I will remember that.”
The front door opened, and I could hear loud talking. Eloise sighed. Whoever was with Jimin did not pass her inspection it would seem. She and James seemed to have a small conversation with their eyes. The men were still at the front of the house. Finally, Eloise looked away and scowled.
“Must have brought Milo and Tae over,” She muttered. “I’m going to go check on the twins.”
Eloise left the table. James told me to ignore her. She and Milo did not get along for whatever reason and she chose to ignore him. It was not my business, so I accepted that explanation.
I prepared myself for a bad interaction. So far, Eloise was such a quiet and sweet person I could not imagine anyone actively disliking her. Then again, this was Taehyung’s fiancé, and he was the nicest, most bubbly person I had ever met. It did not seem likely that he would hang around bad company. It could just be a case of personalities clashing.
“Annyeong,” Taehyung greeted us brightly, immediately finding me. “Babe, come say hi.”
A massive, pale man followed in behind him. Milo was a good-looking guy, bright blue eyes and dirty blonde hair, with a solid build. He reminded me of the male swimmers I worked with, his huge size and bulging muscles intimidating. His fashion sense was not as good as Taehyung’s. Ill-fitting black bottoms and a Rick and Morty t-shirt that made me want to roll my eyes. I was definitely biased, my loyalties already in Eloise’s corner. I did not need to know a backstory to be weary. The dude looked enough like Matthew Hamilton to make me dislike him just off principal.
“Milo, Y/N,” Taehyung introduced, gesturing between the two of us. Behind him, Jimin snuck into the kitchen and gave his mom a kiss on the cheek as a greeting. He looked nice in his gray tracksuit. “Y/N, this is my fiancé, Milo.”
I managed a disingenuous smile, “Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise,” He replied. His voice was smokey.
“Where’s Lou?” Jimin asked, coming around to greet his father.
“Checking on Harper and Cam,” James told him.
There was not enough room for all of us to sit at the table and I ended up giving up my seat to Na-Yeon. Jimin helped her set the table while I was put in charge of gathering Eloise and the kids. Walking down the hallway, I found the kids’ playroom and knocked.
“Dinner’s ready,” I announced, poking my head inside.
The room was bigger than I thought it would be. Each side was decorated in stereotypical boy and girl colors, Cameron’s bed and wall art a wide variety of blues and teals with dinosaur decals on the walls, while Harper’s was a mix up of baby pink and white. Her bed had more stuffed animals on it than I could count and all of them seem well loved. Their toys split the room in half, a large, circle rug in the middle of it all. Most of the toys were thrown on the floor and Eloise was telling them it was time for them to clean it up.
The children looked so cute in their little matching outfits. Harper’s black hair was braided down her back and the ribbon tied at the end of it matched her cream-colored overalls. Cam’s hair was on the longer side as well, falling to his shoulders with a slight wave. His bright red converse stuck out against the rather plain outfit he was wearing, and I had to assume he put up a fight behind them. Harper started to sing the Barney song as they cleaned.
“Feeling, okay?” I asked their mother. She was sitting in the chair on Harper’s side. “You ran off pretty quickly.”
She shook her head, “It’s nothing. We’ve never gotten along.”
I raised an eyebrow, “Do you want to eat here? I’ll sit with you.”
She smiled, “We can play nice, don’t worry. Thanks, though. I appreciate you asking.”
Dinner was as uneventful as Eloise said it would be. She and Milo greeted one another and then acted as if the other did not exist. I stood up to eat, Taehyung, Milo, and Jimin with me while the others sat down. Cam was excited to talk about school and Harper rambled on and on about her imaginary friend Butter Squash. They were both very sweet and it made me miss Dani. The last time I saw her was when we went skating the weekend before I left.
Taehyung was as talkative as ever. His touches also become bolder. By the time I left, he had an arm around my shoulders and his body pressed against my side. Milo was unbothered by our closeness. He and Jimin spoke the most and again the guy I knew when no one else was around seemingly vanished. This one was too put together, too closed off, and no one, and I mean no one, seemed to care. Every time he laughed half-heartedly or nodded along with whatever Milo was talking about, I felt more confused. Why was he so hot and cold all of the time?
During my drive back home, I tentatively attempted to listen to the radio. I only lasted around a minute or so before I switched it off. I needed silence. The Parks were such a lovely family, but tonight was too much. Between unpacking and Taehyung, I was drained. Hoseok had asked me to call him when I got home but I was going to wait. If it was important enough, he would call me himself.
I fell asleep as soon as my face hit the pillow, my medication making it a dreamless night.
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The rest of the week was quiet. I called my friends back home to check in Thursday morning and was happy about Hoseok’s progress. The kids were really liking him, and he thought he may have a permanent job for next year if I decided to keep working with Jimin. I told him not to get his hopes up.
Jimin and I spoke through text daily. He was still going about his normal routine while I brainstormed training and scheduling. By Saturday I was ready to start testing out different ideas. We both seemed eager to get started, actually. Sunday, like I expected, was very quiet. That was his mom’s day, so I tried not to bother him. Violet and Calvin kept me company.
The Andersons were nice people. Violet was always coming to the back and inviting me to join them for breakfast, and her husband enjoyed asking me about my life. Calvin was far more personable than his wife was, but they managed to balance one another out. Sunday evening was the first time I noticed Calvin’s memory issues. He had no idea who I was. I came inside and Violet had to tell him I was their daughter Nancy’s babysitter. He was under the assumption that she was still 10. I left them alone when Violet asked me to pick her up from school. She came out back a few hours later to thank me for going along with everything, and I made sure that she had my phone number in case she needed me to help out if things got out of hand.
It was still dark outside when I left Monday morning. Jimin and I agreed to meet up at 6 am to start our day, but I wanted to get to the gym early. Time to set up and get myself in the right headspace was important to me.
The location he had sent me was more remote than I had originally anticipated. Jimin owned the little gym. It had been a swim school in the past and the place he had first learned he loved the water. He and his mom went to classes together when he was young. The place had been too expensive for the previous owners to keep up with and they were planning on selling it, but Jimin bought it off of them and converted it into a public gym/pool.
In our text exchanges he called it his retirement plan, but I was sure the place meant more to him than that. He had no interest in it until after the cancer diagnosis. If I was to over analyze it, I would say he was trying to hold onto a happy memory. This was their place before sickness and death ran through his family. I would imagine anyone would want to keep something that held so much sentimental value if they could.
Pulling into the parking lot, I was first struck by two things. One, it was open and there were people inside, and two, it was huge. Most of the building was nothing but windows giving me a great view of the muscled men inside. Bright fluorescent lights made my sensitive eyes hurt, and I could hear the faint sound of music coming from somewhere near the gym. The small group of men were together, all of them lifting and spotting each other while talking, and a sense of dread filled my belly.
I was always anxious when I went to a new place, but a new gym was a nightmare. I had bad experiences in the past. Overly friendly creeps who liked to stand around and watch me while I worked out. None of the guys inside gave off bad vibes, but I was still in my car and none of them laid their eyes on me. A woman in a gym was like a drop of blood in water. I had to hope they were not sharks.
Gathering courage, I grabbed my duffle and made my way inside. A pretty, dark-skinned, young woman was sitting at the receptionist desk, and I felt more at ease. If they left her alone then maybe they would not cause me too much trouble either. The music was louder inside, and I recognized the Ciara song. It was a great one for cardio. Fighting the urge to dance, I greeted the receptionist. She put down her magazine and gave me an award-winning grin. She had a nice, dimpled smile.
“Hi there,” She had a thick, Southern accent and I could not tell you where she might be from. I was awful at telling them apart. “Do you have your membership card?”
I laughed nervously, my grip on my bag tightening. “No. I’m here to train with Jimin Park. He said I should have something on file.”
She nodded, her smile unwavering as she looked at her computer and asked for my name.
“Y/N Y/L/N,” I replied, foot tapping along to the Lil Wayne song that came on. I had this one on my own workout playlist back in 2008. I could not help mumbling the words under my breath, “She-she-she lick me like a lollipop.”
“Found you,” The girl grabbed a few sheets of paper from a pile on her side of the desk. “Just fill these out for me and we’ll get your card printed. Your fees have been paid already so no need to worry about that.”
I nodded, half listening. This song was great. Why has it been so long since I last heard it? I went to the gym all the time. I needed to put it back on my playlist. Honestly, the entire Carter III needed to find its way back into my rotation.
“My name’s Giselle if you need anything,” The receptionist pointed to a cluster of chairs right at the front entrance. “You’re super early so Christian isn’t here yet, but I’ll give you the key to the pool room so you can do whatever you need before the boss gets in.”
I smiled at her, “Thank you, Giselle.”
“Anytime, ma’am.”
It took me a few minutes to fill the paperwork out and scan my ID, but Giselle made everything as quick as she could. One of the men working out had come by to ask for some wipes to clean off a few of the machines but left without anything more than a ‘good morning’ thrown in my direction. When we passed by the rest of them on the way to the pool house, we were completely ignored, so it was safe for me to say that they would not be a problem for me in the future. Creeps were never subtle about their creepiness.
“I have to double check with Christian, but I think I’m supposed to give you a spare key,” Giselle said, unlocking the pool. “I’m just going to be sure before I promise you anything. Don’t want to get fired.”
I could tell she was joking. Jimin did not strike me as the type of guy to fire anyone over something like that. It only made sense for me to have a spare key since we would be coming around so much, and I would feel bad about disrupting the staff whenever I needed to get inside. They did not get paid enough to deal with that on top of all of the rest of their duties.
“We keep it locked until 9,” Giselle continued, leading the way inside. “Then we close it back up at 5. Maintenance comes in every Tuesday to treat the water, so you’ll have to be out of here no later than 7. Boss man knows this already so you shouldn’t have any problems with that.”
The pool room was very bland and bare bones. The smell of chlorine hung heavily in the air while the lights around the pool walls illuminated the dark room. It was very big, and I itched to go for a quick dip. The coolness of the water would be nice against my skin. I had grown hot with nerves and gotten a little sweaty.
“We have a few other staff members that will be in around the same time the boss man comes in,” Giselle continued to give me the rundown. “I’m sure he’ll introduce you to everyone just in case you need anything. I’d say make nice with Yoongi first. He’s our in-house massage therapist.”
Pointing to a door on the far-left wall, Giselle let me know that was the pool locker room and the door right next to it was a shortcut to the back offices. Management, marketing, and facility supervisors were usually all back there and I would more than likely never see them. They were not the most social people and worked from home a lot. I could tell by Giselle’s voice that she did not particularly care for management.
“Drew should be here by now,” She checked her smart watch. “She’s the general manager. I’m going to go and grab her and see about that key. She might come back to say ‘hi’ but don’t hold your breath.”
I chuckled, “That bad?”
Giselle rolled her eyes, “Drew’s fine, but Dominic is usually following her around everywhere and he’s annoying. You’ll get what I mean if you ever see them together.”
I laughed, “I’ve had my fair share of weirdos. Thanks again. I appreciate you showing me around.”
She beamed, “It wasn’t a problem. You gave me a reason to get up from the desk, so I’d say it’s a win.”
We spoke for a few more minutes until a very large, bulky man popped his head in looking for her. His black t-shirt clung to him tightly and his shorts were a hideous neon pink color. He did have a nice smile, one that took up most of his face and teeth so white they looked fake. Giselle introduced me very quickly, and the man, Sam, turned out to be one of the personal trainers on staff.
“You’re the Olympian, right?” Sam asked. Jimin must really like people who talked a lot, because I had never met more outgoing people in my life before moving here. Everyone he surrounded himself with was just full of energy, and I wondered if it was purposeful. Jimin himself was a rather quiet and sad person. “Jimin talks about you all the time.”
I laughed awkwardly, face heating, “That’s me.”
“Sick,” Suddenly an image of Sam surfing in California flashed through my mind. He just seemed like the type. “Well, I have to go and help out a client, but it was nice meeting you. Gigi, can you go back up front before Drew pitches a fit?”
Giselle sighed heavily, “Tell her I’m coming,” Looking at me she asked if I was okay on my own. “Come and get me if you need anything, okay?”
After assuring her that I was fine, Giselle left behind Sam. The two of them bickered like an old married couple, and I wondered about their relationship. He did call her a little nickname. I shook my head. Regardless, I had other things I needed to take care of before I could get lost in thought about two strangers.
Unpacking my duffle, I threw on my whistle and stopwatch before getting to work on my schedule. I had brought a lot of my personal swimming gear with me like training bands, coach communicator, and forearm fulcrum. Back in the day, I was the brand ambassador for Finis, so I had a lot of their products. The tracksuit I was wearing was from Speedo, and I had so much of their stuff for the same reason. Being a famous swimmer had its perks.
I had planned on doing a lot of drill and some short-burst efforts with Jimin. He had been without a PT for a few weeks now, and while I trusted him to stay in shape, it was no secret someone would be performing less on their own than with guidance. I did not want to over work him when he was, for all intents and purposes, been on a vacation. So, while I wanted to rush head-first into training, I would try to ease into things a bit before going full asshole on the kid. Like Victor would say, “Three times a week for three weeks.” After that, he was going to be at my mercy.
It was just past 6 when Jimin walked into the pool room. I was flipping through my training plan for the day and humming along to the music blasting through the speakers, echoing off the walls. Whoever was in charge of the playlist had a thing for the early 2000s.
“Morning,” His soft voice brought a smile to my face. He sounded tired. “What do you think about the place?”
Stealing a look at him, I had to hold back the gasp that I wanted to let out. He was wearing a black tank top and shorts giving me a great look at his skin. Embarrassed by my reaction, I internally scolded myself. I needed to get over this crush already. I was about to see a lot more of his body once he went to the back to change. I bit my lip. I had no idea how I was going to deal with him in a speedo.
“It’s very nice,” I was happy with how nonchalant I sounded. “Wasn’t expecting it to be so big.”
I wonder what else is big… I nibbled on the inside of my cheek. I really needed to get my mind out of the gutter. Scratch that- I should have dealt with this problem the second I realized it was there. I was going to force myself to call Hoseok today. He would know what to do, and if not, at least I could vent a little.
“Sleep okay?”
I jumped out of my ever-degrading thoughts.
“Yeah,” I sniffed. “Had fun with your mom? I wanted to give you two some space, so I stayed to myself.”
He smiled and I melted. Yeah, this needed to stop. I was too grown to be acting like this around a man.
“I appreciate it. We missed you at dinner, though. My dad kept complaining that things were quiet now.”
I chuckled, “Eloise and the kids not loud enough?”
He shook his head, “She didn’t come over.”
He tossed his sports bag next to mine and pulled out his swim gear. I caught a flash of his speedo and quickly looked away. The visuals going through my mind were distracting enough.
“Do you want to go over everything before I get changed?” Asked Jimin.
I shook my head, “No, go ahead. It’s going to be a chill day.”
“You got it, coach.”
I did not breathe until I heard the locker room door slam shut. Tossing my clipboard onto my bag, I roughly rubbed my face. I needed to pull myself together.
My attraction was easy to ignore and forget about when he was not in my face, but the second I got my eyes on him it was all I could focus on. I was awkward and fumbling all over the place whenever he was around. I focused on him far too much, far more than I should be due to our relationship, and it was driving me insane. I needed to take a breather, but I did not have enough time and I did not want to make him worried. Jimin seemed like the type of person who would become consumed by anxiety if he thought I was upset with him in any way. No, I would have to suck it up and get through this training session like an adult.
The locker room door opened. Jimin’s bare feet were loud against the gray, stone floor. I refused to look at him. I wasn’t ready yet. Bending over, I grabbed the clipboard and cleared my throat. I was hoping to get him in the water first, and then I could safely conduct myself in a professional way. The less skin I had to see at a time the better. I pointed at the pool.
“Like I said, it’s going to be an easy day,” He was walking away from me, and I felt the tightness in my chest lighten. “You’ve been without a trainer for a bit, and I’m not sure how intense your workouts have been since. Your warmup is just 10 minutes of easy swimming, and then we’ll go over our main set.”
I heard him get into the water with a splash and relaxed. I could handle him in the water. No one looked good with those stupid goggles on. I walked to the edge of the pool, clipboard in my hand, and stole a quick look.
As suspected, he did not look as potent like this. His hair was hidden beneath a red and white cap, and blue goggles obstructed most of his face. It was impossible to make out most of his body as he glided through the water, but I got a great look at his arms. He was more muscular than I gave him credit for. He was smaller and more lean than other swimmers, but I could see why he was able to dominate.
He was very fast, but I could already tell he was pushing harder than I wanted him to. Blowing my whistle, I let him know I only wanted him swimming at 80% effort. Jimin pulled a face and lifted his goggles up. Now that he was stagnant, I got a clear look at his chest and swallowed thickly. He needed to start moving or else I might have a heart attack.
“Why?” He was incredulous.
“Like I said, I don’t want you to overwork yourself. You’ve been on a vacation for four weeks now and we need to work our way back up to more intensive sets. It’ll only be for a couple of weeks.”
He pushed back again, “I’ve been coming here every day for hours. I think I’m fine.”
I shook my head, “I’m not trying to be a dick, and I’m not calling you a liar, but I am skeptical of the quality of the training.”
“But-”
“I haven’t been here to see your routine,” I cut him off before whatever smart ass comment he was planning to say could even come out. Jimin’s annoyance was plain as day, and I was not about to put up with a tantrum. “I’m known for being a hard ass, and I’m going to push you harder than you’ve ever been pushed before. You can ask Coach Bunch about me if you want. I will make sure you’re in the best shape of your life this year, but not at the expense of getting you injured.”
He took a deep breath before responding, “With all due respect, I’ve been putting in a lot of work by myself. I don’t think I need kid gloves.”
I smirked, cocking my head to the side. “Is that what you think this is?”
“Isn’t it?” He shrugged, pouting.
He was cute when he was mad.
“Humor me,” I replied. “We do things my way for the week and if I think you’re good to go by Friday then we’ll get back to normal training. How does that sound?”
Jimin thought for a moment before smiling at me.
“I can live with that.”
I chuckled, “Good to know. Now, put your goggles back on and finish your warmup. We’re wasting time arguing.”
As I suspected, once we started our drills, he did not perform up to the standards I had for him. Even at 75% what he was capable of, I could already see the areas he needed to work on. His butterflies were beautiful, but I could pick apart his breast and back strokes. I was happy with his free swim at the end, and I was going to start there the next session. I was hoping by starting off with compliments that we could become more comfortable with one another before I had to get serious. Those breast strokes would drive me insane until he could execute them perfectly every time.
“How am I doing?” Jimin asked during a cool down, doing a few laps before we started our drills again. “I know my breast strokes aren’t that great. I’ve always struggled with them.”
At least he was self-aware, I thought.
“We definitely have stuff to work on,” I replied. “Don’t worry too much about that right now. We can start talking about it more next week.”
He sighed, annoyed, and I laughed. He was very grumpy when it came to his swimming. Not wanting to upset him again, I decided to give him something.
“I would like to watch you swim a bit more and make a plan before giving you my opinion. My coach used to do that with me, and I found it helpful.”
We trained until eight-thirty, and I looked over my notes while Jimin cooled down. We did not talk as much as I would have liked, but it was probably for the best. His body was distracting, and I did not think I was doing a very good job at hiding my reactions to him. He did not seem to notice, or he was simply sparing my feelings, either way he was happy to keep relatively quiet. We only talked about training while he was in the water, and I was grateful he was maintaining his professionalism.
“When will we be back again?” Jimin asked, his last few minutes running down on the timer. “You said Wednesday, right?”
I nodded absentmindedly, in my own little world as I flipped through my notes. I had more than I thought I would have, all of them having to do with fixing his form and how we could go about it. New exercises, grueling training days, and a few new tools that I was not sure he had ever used before, would mold him into a swimmer I would glow with pride over. Park had always been a talented man, but I wanted to see if we could reach for something more. Something bigger and better than he could have imagined. I wanted to make Matthew fucking Hamilton look like the incompetent bastard I knew him to be.
“We’re done for the day,” I sighed, clicking the alarm off. “Do you want me to come for your night swim?”
Jimin ripped the goggles off, rubbing his eyes and already going to release his cap. I bit down on the inside of my mouth. He was so pretty and soft, and the way his muscles flexed as he swam to the edge of the pool made my stomach flutter. I looked away before he hoisted himself out of the water. I did not need that image floating around in my already depraved head.
“You can come if you want,” He replied casually. “I’m mostly hitting the gym when I’m here in the evenings. I only take a dip for thirty minutes and leave.”
I hummed, fighting the urge to look at his body. I focused instead on my breathing and writing down what he had just said. I did not want to forget that. It might be useful for me in the future. If we could exercise together, it would give me an opportunity to guide him through some of my favorite tricks to help with swimming.
“Will someone else be with you?”
“Probably Jungkook and Darcy. They’re my usual gym buddies when Milo is working.”
“Darcy’s his girlfriend, right?” I wanted to see if my hunch from the other night was right.
“Yeah. They’ve been going out for a couple of years now. She’s alright. Not as shy as you.”
I snorted, “You think I’m shy?”
Then I made a critical mistake. Looking over at Jimin, I nearly choked on my own spit. His skin was perfectly smooth, not a blemish in sight, and cream-colored. His body was just as pretty as his face, smooth abs and a tiny waist that led to toned and thick thighs. The tiny scrap of red fabric covering his private area did not stop my eyes from glancing. I looked away before I started to stare.
Hoseok was going to have a field day with this.
“I know you are,” He teased, his voice so soft and sweet. I briefly wondered what he would sound like in bed. I fought desperately to rid myself of that imagery. This could not be happening right now. “You’re so shy you can’t even look at me right now.”
His cocky attitude should have annoyed me, but instead it only further fueled my lust. Every time I had seen this man, he gave me such tonal whiplash it was beginning to drive me insane. First it was this innocent little angel facade that quickly became sarcastic and witty when he decided he could play around without me getting angry. Then it was the whole sad puppy thing he had going on for the last week. Now here he was, practically naked and getting riled up over me telling him what to do, and puffing his chest with confidence I never thought he was capable of. It would have pissed me off if I did not find him ridiculously attractive.
“Go get dressed, Park,” My voice was clipped and too harsh. I winced and quickly worked to soften the blow. Getting defensive only made me look worse. “We can get breakfast if you’re not busy. My treat.”
“Sure, coach.”
When I heard the locker room close, I let out a deep sigh. My sexual frustration was getting in the way of my work, and I hated it. Pulling my phone from my back pocket, I sent Hoseok a text.
Me: I think I’m crushing on Park
Me: Help me get rid of it
The reply did not come until I was done packing up my things. The workout stuff I had brought with me had been useless today, but I was afraid of forgetting where they were the next time I might need them, so they never left the bag. My phone vibrated just as I was done zipping up my bag. I could hear the shower in the locker room and clenched my thighs together. I was still thinking of how pretty his belly was, the tattoo on his ribs pitch-black against his pale skin, and how solid his calves looked. I unlocked my phone and nearly cried laughing when I saw the response.
Hobi: HAHAHAHA
Hobi: Sex is always the answer
Hobi: Never thought I’d see the day you became a cougar
I have no idea why I thought he would be any help. So, I licked my wounds and messaged Andy (like I should have done in the first place) and knew whatever she had to say would be far more helpful than my stupid best friend’s word of “advice.” I just had to hope it would be enough to make all of these feelings stop.
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Taglist: @ownthesunshine @screamertannie @lovelytaes-blog @pernesianparapio @tae-with-some-suga
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© chimcess, 2024. Do not copy or repost without permission.
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ordinary-barbie · 2 months ago
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sexy to someone - porco galliard x reader
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summary: After scrolling social media you're feeling particularly insecure about your looks. Your boyfriend, Porco, is determined to convince you that you really are pretty.
word count: 2.3k words
tags: fem!reader, pet names (babe and baby), reader has a tooth gap bc I'm nothing if not self-indulgent, dirty talk, oral (fem receiving), face sitting, vaginal fingering, doggy style, breast play, praise kink, consent checks, reader is self-conscious about her body and struggles with mental health issues
minors and ageless blogs dni.
title comes from the song "sexy to someone" by Clairo.
Normally you loved scrolling through social media, but you just couldn't do it today. If you saw one more vacation photo or one more bachelorette party with someone's former sorority sisters, the already deep pit in your chest would cave in. And it wasn't anyone's fault: you couldn't get mad at your friends or random influencers and celebs for simply posting about their lives. To put it delicately, you were just feeling like a steaming pile of garbage compared to everyone else on your Instagram feed.
Today you hated pretty much everything about your looks. Your tooth gap looked like an eyesore. Your eyes seemed dull and sleepy. Your nose? Meh. Your figure? Nothing to write home about. It was a wonder that anyone liked your Instagram photos at all, and especially unbelievable that you managed to snag a boyfriend, especially someone like Porco Galliard.
Porco was an absolute babe. You'd never been hugely into blondes, but something about him and his undercut had got your heart racing when you met him at a frat party that your bestie Pieck, a Delta Zeta, had invited you to. You were always pretty reserved, and especially nervous to be around a bunch of frat dudes. Luckily, Porco eased your nerves by making you laugh, and the rest was history.
He was funny, confident, and hot as hell, while you were more reserved. When you'd first gotten together, you felt like the nerdy female protagonist in an 80s teen movie who managed to land the most popular guy in school. That had subsided after five years of dating, but now you couldn't help but feel the insecurity clawing at your brain again. Porco could easily get any woman he wanted - why you, of all people? Was he simply settling until someone better came along?
You rolled over onto your stomach and buried your face into one of the couch's armrests, quietly sobbing. Why were you like this? Why couldn't you be hotter so you could look like someone who actually belonged with Porco? Porco shouldn't be with someone like you. There were plenty of cute sorority girls he could've gone after in college, including Pieck or your other friend Sasha.
You recognized (thanks to months of therapy) that you were in a thought spiral, but you felt powerless to stop it. Normally you would go on your phone to distract yourself, but since social media had triggered your insecurities, you decided to settle for a nice little depression nap. That ought to make you feel better, right?
-
When you woke up, you didn't feel as crushingly awful as you did before, but you were still in a bit of a shitty mood. You snuggled tightly in your blanket and stared up at the ceiling, not even moving when Porco came home from work.
"Hey babe, I'm home! Traffic was nuts today - that podcast you recommended to me honestly saved my ass from dying of boredom," Porco joked, kicking his shoes off and making his way into the kitchen.
When you turned your head towards Porco but didn't react, his cheery expression morphed into worry. "Baby, what's wrong? Is everything okay?"
"It's nothing, don't worry," you hurriedly assured him, not wanting to be a burden, especially since he'd had a long day at work.
Unfortunately, Porco was a stubborn motherfucker, so he kept prying. "Come on, don't do that thing where you try to sweep shit under the rug. I can tell something's bothering you. You know you can tell me anything."
You sat up, protectively wrapping your arms around your midsection and chewing at your bottom lip. "I just - why are you with me, Porco?" you asked, your voice wavering. "I mean, look at you. You could be with anyone you wanted and you settled for me."
Porco furrowed his brow. "Baby, where is this coming from? I picked you because you're funny and kind and fuckin' hot."
You snorted. You appreciated Porco complimenting you in his Porco way, but you weren't totally buying what he was selling. "Please, Porco. Gigi Hadid is fuckin' hot. Pieck is fuckin' hot. I'm just..." You gestured to yourself vaguely, making a face.
Porco scoffed, shaking his head. "First of all, Pieck is like a sister to me, so don't even go there. Second of all, yeah, Gigi Hadid is pretty, but she's not you. You're actually the hottest woman I know. I honestly feel like I outkicked my coverage here."
"Porco, stop acting like I'm some big prize," you insisted. "Especially when I scroll through social media and every woman I follow is pretty much a smokeshow, including my friends."
Porco said your name sternly, making you jump. "Is that where this is coming from? Babe, please don't compare yourself to Instagram. You know everyone curates their feed to only share the good shit, even the celebs."
"I know, but that doesn't change the fact that there's so many gorgeous girls out there, and I'm just...me," you responded, staring down at your lap.
"Hey! Look at me," Porco commanded, and you reluctantly met his gaze. "You are so desirable to me. I love you. And I wish I could fight your shitty brain for making you ever think otherwise."
You sighed. "Porco, I love you. I just wish I could see the person you see. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror earlier and just felt ugly. I hate that I can't just make these thoughts go away."
Porco moved closer to you, kissing both of your cheeks. "Babe, you are a fuckin smokeshow to me. Please let me prove it to you..."
"And just how do you plan to do that?" you asked, arching an eyebrow. You tried to look impassive but you couldn't help but rub your thighs together in anticipation.
"Like this," Porco simply replied, ghosting over your lips with his own. You shuddered, still amazed at how turned on Porco could make you without touching you. "But first - are you sure you want this? And you remember our safe word, right? Just say 'red' and I will stop, no matter what."
You nodded. Porco frowned. "Use your words, baby."
"Yes, I want this. Please touch me, Porco," you whined impatiently, your mind now clouded with lust.
"I mean damn, if you insist, babe," Porco joked before kissing you deeply. He draped his body over yours on the couch, suddenly enveloping you with the smell of his favorite cologne. It was heavenly.
Since your mouth was occupied, you tapped Porco's shoulder, and he instantly ceased his movements. "Everything good, babe?" he worriedly asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I just - could we move it to the bedroom, please?" you shyly asked.
Porco smirked. "Okay, dirty girl," he teased, leading you by the hand into your bedroom. Once inside, he slammed the door with his foot, deeply making out with you and letting his hands roam all over your body. You made a motion to take your bra off but Porco stopped you in your tracks.
"Please let me do it, baby," Porco begged, and you happily obliged. After tossing your bra to the other side of the room, Porco shoved his hands under your shirt, massaging your breasts. "Man, I'll never get tired of these tits. They feel so good in my hands."
Porco bit at your bottom lip, and you let out a moan. Porco was driving you wild right now. "That's my good girl," he praised, and those four little words sent a shockwave straight to your core. "I love it when you moan so prettily for me. Now take those clothes off, baby."
That lit a fire under you. You quickly rid yourself of your t-shirt (really one of Porco's, a vintage shirt from the university you both went to) and sweatpants, standing nakedly in front of Porco except for a simple pair of black undies.
Porco let out a breath. "Oh fuck, baby. You're so goddamn sexy." You shyly smiled at him. "Now take a seat for me; I need to taste you."
You sat down at the end of the bed, gazing at Porco as he kneeled in front of you. The fact that he was still dressed in his light blue button-down, navy tie, and khaki slacks from work made this even hotter, somehow. Porco pushed your panties to the side, moaning when he saw gossamer strings of your slick clinging to the fabric.
Porco dove in, lapping at your clit with his tongue and grunting as you arched your back in pleasure. "Can't believe you think I'd want anyone else when I have the sweetest pussy right here. You taste so fuckin good, baby."
Your mind was blank, devoid of any coherent thoughts except for how fucking amazing your boyfriend was with his tongue. You were in the throes of ecstasy, grabbing at his hair to push his face even closer to you.
Porco removed his lips from your clit, eliciting a whine from you. "Easy there, baby," he said, chuckling. "I'm gonna eat you out; I just wanna finger fuck you too. Is that okay?"
Aroused, you reached for his hand, but Porco tutted, shaking his head at you. "Use your words, babe," he reminded you.
"Porco I need your fingers inside me," you whined. "Need your mouth and your fingers in my pussy."
Porco smirked, a dark glint in his eye. "Can't possibly deny you when you ask me so nicely." He returned to sucking on your clit while his fingers pumped in and out of your opening. "Babe, I can't believe you're so wet for me. I could fuckin drown in your pretty little cunt."
You gasped, feeling a warmth in your belly. You felt like you were about to burst, and Porco could sense it too. "Come for me, baby," Porco encouraged you, fingering your clit. "Make a fuckin' mess on my face."
Before you knew it, you were cumming, coating Porco's face with your wetness. Porco wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, moaning happily as he licked his fingers.
"Let me return the favor," you offered, your gaze focused on the way Porco's erection strained in his pants.
"Nah, not this time," Porco refused. "This is all about you, baby."
You softened you gaze, beaming at your boyfriend. You truly did adore this man.
"Be a good girl, lose the panties, and lie on your stomach," Porco instructed as he unbuckled his belt. "Get that pretty ass of yours in the air for me."
You quickly obeyed, tossing your underwear onto the floor and lying face down on the bed, sticking your ass in the air. Porco hummed appreciatively, rubbing your butt cheeks in his hand and lightly biting at the skin before soothing the pain with his kisses. "Can't believe this amazing ass is all mine."
He got up from the floor, retrieving a condom from his bedside table to slide over his dick. You scooched farther up on the bed to give him more room, and the two of you moaned in unison as Porco pushed himself into your entrance. Porco had an average-sized cock, but what he lacked in length, he more than made up for in girth.
Porco growled as your cunt clenched around his length. "Fuckin love the way your pussy feels around me. So warm and so damn tight."
Porco pulled out of you and slammed back in, making you see stars. He pumped in and out, snapping his hips and muttering praises in your ears the entire time. You tightly gripped the sheets, feeling your body light up in pleasure every time the tip of his dick grazed that special spot that made your toes curl.
"Are you close?" Porco asked as you writhed under him. You hummed affirmatively, unable to form words anymore. "Me too. Play with your clit for me, baby. Let's cum together."
You rubbed at your clit, feeling a second orgasm about to wash over you. You came with a yelp, feeling Porco's cock spasm inside you as he spilled his seed into the condom, moaning your name. He tossed the used condom in the wastebasket next to his bedside table, and then two of you laid in bed for a few minutes, drenched in sweat and panting heavily.
"Porco...thank you. I needed that," you admitted, lovingly squeezing Porco's hand.
Porco tenderly looked at you, softly pecking your lips. "Of course, baby. You know I always want to make you feel good. And I hope me blowing your back out is proof that I actually think you're hot."
Your mouth dropped open. "Porco Galliard!" you shouted, playfully hitting him in the shoulder.
Porco snickered, but his face soon softened. "Seriously though, I'm glad I could give you what you needed. You know I love you so much, even on your bad-brain days."
You felt a warmth in your chest. Porco could be cocky, sarcastic, and crass, but he had the biggest heart. You were overwhelmed with love for this man who had been by your side through years of highs and lows, who always encouraged you and looked at you like you hung the moon in the sky.
"I love you so much, baby," you said, nuzzling into Porco's chest. He kissed the top of your head and tightened his grip around you.
"Hey babe?" you asked after a few minutes, wiggling a little in Porco's grip.
Porco cocked an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you're ready for round two already. I mean I'm down, but let a man take a shower first."
You good-naturedly rolled your eyes at him. "No, you dingus, I just have to pee."
"And they say romance is dead," Porco quipped, loosening his grip so you could get up and use the bathroom.
"Okay, mister drama king," you playfully replied. "Cut the sass and maybe I'll help you get cleaned up." You waggled your ass at him before disappearing into the bathroom.
Porco grinned, fondly gazing at you even while you were on the toilet. "You're incredible, you know that? I can't want to marry your ass someday."
You chuckled. Just Porco, being Porco - and you loved him for it.
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the-letterbox-archives · 4 months ago
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file (0)0-40-000: writer questionnaire
thank you @ominous-feychild, @paeliae-occasionally, and @the-golden-comet for tagging me! this is a writing questionnaire, and before i answer them i wanted to say that i love this game idea! as much as i love loredumping about characters and plots (as bad as i am at plots), i also really value talking about my process and general writing questions like this! alright, let's get on with the answers...
about me
when did you start writing?
i wrote my first novella in two weeks (it wasn't very good or edited, i'm not that good haha) during the 2020 lockdown, and have on that rhythm ever since, albeit on a much slower, yet bigger scale. in terms of writing overall, i've been doing it since i could read. i'm very excited to reach my fifth year of 'official' writing, with 3 books privately released and a fourth on the way!
are there genres/themes you enjoy reading different to the ones you write?
honestly, i don't read as much as i should. i read more as a kid, but i've kind of lost that spark due to poor mental health, busy schedules, and other reasons. but to zero down on the question, i don't hold myself to genres, because i prefer character focused stories, but i like speculative content the most, which is what i write. i don't really vibe with contemporary and slice-of-life stuff, through no fault of the genre, i'm just not that interested in it generally.
is there an author you want to emulate, or one to whom you're often compared?
i don't think my work has reached enough people to be compared to any author, at least nobody has told me i write like someone else. i've done emulation work in school before, but i don't like writing like that, it feels disingenuous with how stream-of-consciousness my writing is. so no, i don't want to emulate anyone.
can you tell me a little about your writing space?
writing anywhere but my house is incredibly stressful, i can't focus on creating stuff unless i'm at home, either in my bed, at my desk, or just in an armchair. nothing too special.
what's your most effective way to muster up some muse?
i wish i had a foolproof way to get my energy going. but since i don't have much obligation to write on a schedule, i'm allowed to write whenever inspiration hits. but it's easier to get in the writing headspace with some non-distracting music/videos.
did the place(s) you grew up in influence the people and places you write about?
for settings, not consciously. i don't like writing about real places, i usually use a fantasy world or an ambiguous place without relying on real-world settings for anything less than minor inspiration. in terms of my characters, most of them have parts of themselves taken from me or my past. the most active example of this is basically every character in insincere., all of whom are based of me, my dysregulated emotions, or certain social/societal issues. to sum it all up, my trauma makes for interesting casts.
are there any recurring themes of your writing, and if so, do they surprise you at all?
i try to put a lot of emphasis on character relationships, so i imagine a lot of themes there come up more than once without my active thought towards it. i often just write what feels right, so themes do recur across multiple stories, but i wouldn't be surprised if someone pointed out that some themes come up again, i wouldn't be surprised. i do want to put some emphasis on the theme of trauma and love of all stripes. on the love side, tales from a dying heart is the prime example of this, hell, the entire thing is about love. however, all my stories with genuine character relationships do focus on the concept of love. father-son with laszlo and yaromyr, one-sided platonic with daphne and faye, obsessive distant romance with sunny and darcy, mother-daughter with sasha and dulcinea, the list goes on. trauma is present through everything i write, i'm unable to write anything without it (insincere. i'm looking at you). and they'll all evolve and change, in different ways.
my characters
would you please tell me about your current favourite character?
i don't think i could pick just one, i have so much love in my heart for all of my characters. i adore ven's tired attitude, sunny's humour, daphne and faye's dynamic, laszlo's ambition, sasha's motherly love and intelligence, yaromyr and danareth's relationship, sissy's obnoxious clairvoyance, the list keeps expanding.
which of your characters do you think you'd be friends with in real life?
i'd have to go with ven, sunny, laszlo, and daphne. i think those four would both be people i'd want to befriend, and people who'd want to befriend me (hopefully).
which of your characters would you dislike most if you met them?
i think if i ended up on the wrong side of the fence with danareth, i would hate his guts. i love writing him, but he's such a slimy jerk sometimes that i don't think i would get along with him. i also don't think i'd like the owl from insincere., who's name is yet to be revealed. he sucks, but he does bite sissy, so he gets some goodwill. the last one i can think of would be arthur blackwood, just because he's rich and socially dense, and in the episode i'm writing, he's rude to daphne. and nobody can slight daphne without me hating them (characters i mean). nobody in school rules nor dulcinea is dead has rubbed me the wrong way yet, thankfully.
tell me more about the process of coming up with your characters.
it's hard to pin down my process since it's so emotionally driven. i just make characters on instinct, usually starting with a scene of conversation between multiple characters that i imagine based off a feeling. that's how it works for basically all of my characters. they just kind of... appear in my brain half-formed, then i begin to refine them.
do you notice any recurring themes/traits among your characters?
i've considered doing protagonist profiles to find similarities between all of them. i mostly write teenage protagonists, and i like writing characters who are super driven to achieve their goal. additionally, a lot of them are traumatised or will be traumatised in their respective series. a lot of emotional turbulence in store for all of my characters!
how do you picture your characters?
i don't, at least in any way i can properly describe. when i imagine scenes in my head every single character has a fully realised appearance, but it exists beyond any way i'm capable of explaining it. i can say i picture them in live-action, yet recently when i picture insincere. i picture it in 2d animation, with very minimalist animation for ven (like moving at a slower frame rate if that makes sense), sissy with rubberhose animation kind of like spinel or jax, and the owl being very expressive in its animation.
my writing
what's your reason for writing?
there's a lot of reasons. i've always been borderline maladaptive daydreaming and had minor dissociative episodes recently, it just feels easier for me to exist in a world i design to my own tastes. it's easier to cope with my existence when i do stuff like that, which probably isn't healthy but whatever. i write to get everything out of my head and because it's fun!
is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating coming from your readers?
i'm honestly still shocked i have readers! that aside, i love all comments, but the ones that really tell me people care about what i write is theories, headcanons, and other noticings like that, those types of comments just make me feel amazing. i also find the "x is just like me fr" funny because that's how i express my love for a character and it shows me that character is either funny or semi-relatable.
how do you want to be thought of by those who read your work?
i just want to be someone who inspired some thought in the reader, and just gave them a good time! i'd be insanely flattered if people took massive meaning from my work and made those amazing tumblr mini-essays about the themes or characters i write about, but all in all i think i want to be thought of as a writer who writes things that people simply enjoy, and want to come back to, maybe make some fan content about. just a small set of slightly memorable pieces in an infinite archive.
what do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?
this is gonna sound sad, but i often can't see distinct admirable traits in my writing. if i had to think further out, i might go to my characters. i love my characters so much, and i think because i think about them so much, the nuance that exists in my head about them bleeds into my writing and makes my characters interesting and memorable (hopefully haha).
what have you been frequently told by others is your greatest strength as a writer?
i've been told a few things. no commentary straight from the archives, at least from anything i can remember, but in my real life i've been told i write dialogue well (which i somewhat agree with) and that i write enjoyable/interesting characters.
how do you feel about your own writing?
very mixed. i can't give a solid verdict because i hate my older work because it's cringe, but the stuff i'm writing currently and that i'm still passionate about i enjoy reading back (sometimes), and i think i like what i write now. i'm so proud i got my writing out there into the archives, either way.
if you were the last person on earth and knew your writing would never be read by another human, would you still write?
of course! that's what i was doing since before 2020, and even then my books were only circulated around family and close friends, as more of a symbolic gift than anything. i didn't get too much insight back, except for from certain relatives, which i always immensely appreciated. to circle back to the question, having an audience is still very new to me, and if it came down to the criteria the question proposes, i would still write.
when you write, are you influenced by what others might enjoy reading, or do you write purely what you enjoy? if it’s a mix of the two, which holds the most influence?
what i enjoy. i am now conscious of my audience, but then again i am not especially writing for an audience, like that's not what's at the forefront of my mind when i write. as grateful as i am for an audience at all (you guys are amazing <3), i'm writing for myself, as i have been since i was a kid.
wow, this was an insightful questionnaire! thank you again for tagging me in, my tag list is just below!
@introchasingstars, @honeybewrites, @noxxytocin, @moltenwrites, @tc-doherty,
@the-ellia-west, @theverumproject, @thecrazyalchemist, @laylathewordwitch, @dragonedged-if,
@leitereads, @autism-purgatory, @gioiaalbanoart, @drchenquill, @fenmere,
@leahnardo-da-veggie, @melpomene-grey, @yourpenpaldee, @corinneglass, @agirlandherquill,
@willtheweaver, @nczaversnick, @davycoquette, @glassfrogforest, @princeofhags,
and @wyked-ao3!
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phoenixyfriend · 9 months ago
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Calls for Action, Call Your Reps: 2/26/24
This is USA-specific, as that is the place I live and know.
Find your elected officials.
As usual, most of my information on what bills are on the floor comes from GovTrack. I am including some suggested listening/reading (you can find text versions if you google the title and 'transcript') at the bottom of the post. I am also including a current event that is likely to be a very powerful argument, with the right politicians. The event is prefaced with a red warning tag, and followed by event-specific verbiage.
Suggested verbiage and strategies for calling your elected officials.
GovTrack has said that there are still no votes scheduled, in this blog post from Friday: What's Next for Congress? (Feb 23, 2024)
In practice, that appears to mean that they are arguing over the budget to avoid yet another government shutdown. Given that the delays to the budget so far have been tied directly to the Israel/Ukraine/Taiwan military funding and Southern border.
Use this time to call their offices and tell them to vote the way you want them to.
The most immediate and pressing issue at this moment is the famine in Gaza. Widely reported today is that a two-month-old boy recently died of starvation, and the World Health Organization is declaring that it has become famine and a mass starvation event, no longer just a threat of one.
At this time, the three greatest factors in that famine are:
Israeli bombardment (destruction of existing food stores and farming land)
Israeli blockades of the Egyptian border into Gaza, preventing aid trucks from places like the US from reaching people
The cessation of funding to UNRWA, which has been the lifeline to Palestinian civilians for decades, and is currently the best and possibly only chance to save the one and a half million dying civilians
This information is being reported by the WHO, UNRWA itself, UNICEF, and more, along with journalists that are in Gaza at this time.
The other issue, more domestically, is the rising tide of concern for US Reproductive Rights stemming from the IVF ruling in Alabama.
Both House and Senate:
Reinstate funding for UNRWA. While the claims made by Israel that employees of the relief agency were involved in Oct. 7th are troubling, THEY are not well supported, and western officials did not do their duty in investigating the claims before cutting funding. This arm of the UN is currently providing food, water, shelter, and medical care to the 2.3 million displaced peoples of Gaza. It is especially disturbing and concerning that the many children of Gaza, who are already suffering due to this conflict, are now having this support revoked. Many sources are also claiming that the evidence is flimsy at best.
Urge both Senate and House to refrain from funding Israel, or to at least put some strings on it. The IDF cannot be given funding without some regulations on what they can do with it. They have proven that they are unwilling to take steps to protect civilians.
Sanctions must also be placed on Israel for its continued impediment of aid intended for Gazans, including aid from the US.
Urge for the US to stop vetoing ceasefire demands in the UN. No, the suggested replacement written by the US is not an excuse.
Not directly related to Gaza: It looks like they’re gearing up for another push at KOSA. The canned email responses I’m getting are really proud of being in support of KOSA, which is… bad. It is also bad for people outside the US, including Palestine, apparently. VOTE NAY.
Not related to Gaza: Alabama's recent court decision has put IVF services in danger in the state, with multiple fertility clinics halting all related services for any pregnancy that is not yet in progress; there were implantation appointments for last week that were canceled with no knowledge of when they might be greenlit. Push for full spectrum reproductive rights protection (fertility services, family planning, birth control, abortion, and more), and if you have a pro-lifer as your elected official, cite the Alabama ruling as a cause for concern of how the lack of codified reproductive rights protection can impact even those who do want children.
FOR THE SENATE: Urge your senator to put their support behind Bernie Sanders and his motion to restrict funding to Israel until a humanitarian review of the IDF’s actions in Gaza has been completed. Cite it as Senate Resolution 504 if your Senator is right-wing enough to react negatively to the mention of Sanders by name. NOTE: This resolution was TABLED by the Senate on 1/16, but it is being brought back in as conditions continue to escalate.
Passed in the House recently, so bother your senators about it, is H.R. 3016: IGO Anti-Boycott Act. Vote Nay. This appears to be intended to force US companies to do business with US allies instead of participating in boycotts. This appears, to me, to be an attack on movements like BDS. To Dem Reps, argue that this refuses the right of peaceful protest to US citizens. To Republican Reps, argue that this is a dangerous government overreach and that it is not the right of the government to force US citizens to purchase products and materials from specific foreign partners.
FOR THE HOUSE: Recommend that they support House Resolution 786, introduced by Rep. Cori Bush, Calling for an immediate deescalation and cease-fire in Israel and occupied Palestine. ALTERNATELY: Urge your representative to put their support behind Rep. Rashida Tlaib’s petition for the US government to recognize the IDF’s actions in Gaza as ethnic cleansing and forced displacement, and put a stop to it.
Alright, now the current big news story.
Warning: Self-harm, public suicide.
I will preface this with an explanation of a recent event.
The big American news of this week that is being talked about on all political news sources, from BBC to NPR to Al Jazeera, is the self-immolation in DC. A US Air Force service member walked to the Israeli embassy in Washingon DC, set up a Twitch Stream, and stated that he refused to be party to the genocide being committed with the support of his country's government. He then doused himself in a flammable liquid, set himself on fire, and shouted 'Free Palestine' on repeat until the fire grew too great for him to do anything but scream in pain. The man was rushed away to a hospital, but has apparently died since. Twitch has understandably removed the video for ToS violations, but the video has been saved and reshared to other sites since.
To be clear, the airman, a 25yo named Aaron Bushnell, explicitly stated that this was an act of extreme protest, but not as extreme as the current lives of Palestinians in Gaza. Please do not allow people to convince you this was just a random act of mental illness. It was tragic, yes, but this very public, recorded, in-uniform, motive-declared suicide was by all appearances a calculated choice based on centuries of precedent.
If your senator or representative claims to be pro-military, bring this up. Even if they don't, bring it up.
"A service member, someone who presumably has access to more information on what is happening 'on the ground' than the average citizen, someone who has proven their dedication to America, is dying in agony to prove a point: that Israel's actions cannot be condoned, cannot be justified, and most certainly cannot be supported with fourteen billion in military aid."
The above is one possible verbiage you can use when you call.
Today, I would also recommend listening to NPR's Politics Podcast as the episode contains some good information on The Michigan Problem, and the Democracy Now podcast, which has some good interviews on the confirmed famine going on in Gaza. I will note that there are some claims being made in the latter about the US government, including comments by Biden himself, using law enforcement and college administrations to punish pro-Palestine groups, from Students for Justice in Palestine to even Jewish Voice for Peace (notable since one of the major arguments for these actions is that anti-zionists are antisemitic). I am saying 'claims being made' as I have not had time to corroborate this with other news sources, and the other casts I listen to have not mentioned it.
If you wish to support my political blogging, I am accepting donations on ko-fi.
Alternately, I would also suggest that you send any spare money to PCRF (Palestine Children's Relief Fund), UNRWA, or Save the Children Sudan, which has been undergoing an incredibly deadly civil war for a year or so now, but that the US has significantly less involvement in on a bureaucratic level, so IDK what any of us in the US can do to help in that regard. But many of us do have money! So there's that.
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tixdixl · 5 months ago
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I need my 日本語を話せられない TWST friends (non-Japanese speaking) to know that my buddy who is an L2 Japanese language teacher (with an MA in East Asian Studies) and I (who is an L2 Japanese learner with an MA in Sociolinguistics) have been dying over this colloquial grammatical construction that we keep seeing in the voice lines of History/Flight and Alchemy lessons: 朝から (asa kara)
Neither of us can figure out how to properly translate this construction, and every time TWST adds a new line with it, or we come across a line we hadn't see before, we immediately message one another in our confusion and have a conniption over it. We had questioned whether or not it was an example of "anime dialect", but after finding plenty of examples of it being used on Japanese twitter, we realized that it is definitely a colloquialism that's used in everyday speech.
For discussion purposes, keep in mind 朝 (asa) means "morning" and から (kara) is the particle causing the translation issues.
The thing you have to understand is that in Japanese classrooms and in Japanese grammar books - including Japanese grammar books FOR native speakers the particle construction ____から (kara)____まで(made) functions like "from ___ until ____" in English.
Except that's not how its being used in TWST. The まで portion of the particle construction never shows up in any of the examples that I've pulled from TWST.
Examples include (but are not limited to):
Cater (History): 朝からいい感じ (asa kara ii kanji)
いい = "good"
感じ = "feeling" (like a vibe or emotion)
Official Localization: "Off to a good start today!"
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Cater (History): 朝から頑張らね (asa kara ganbara ne)
頑張らね ≈ "let's do well"
Official Localization: "Early bird gets the worm, I guess."*
*Footnote: While the translation here isn't literal, this line makes me openly question if 朝から is actually a set up for an idiomatic phrase in Japanese but I will discuss more later...
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Jade (History): 朝から元気でそね (asa kara genki desu ne)
元気 = "in good health" or "well"
です= formal, present tense of the closest equivalent of "to be"
ね = equivalent tag is "right?" or "yeah?"
Official Localization: "You have a lot of energy in the morning."**
**Footnote: This localization is just painfully off from the intended meaning? But we're keeping it here to prove a point.
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Malleus (History): 朝から退屈だ
退屈 = Tedium or boredom
だ = informal past tense of です
Official Localization: "It's early, and I'm already bored."
(A fun side note: This exact quote was found verbatim on Japanese twitter when we were searching for language samples.)
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Sebek (Alchemy): 朝から再ないこだな
再ない ≈ not again
再ないこだな ≈ its the same again /its repeating (with a declarative verb conjugation, implying that the audience already understands and agrees)***
***Footnote: I kind of get the sense that he's basically saying "It's another morning and it's the same shit again", but not literally. Because he is clearly using a negative declaration here and the implication of the repetition "from the morning, its the same again" kind of gives me the reading similar to "Not this shit again".
Official Localization: "Someone awoke in a foul mood."
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Additional translator's note: Because the subject is repeatedly dropped from each example here, and the only ones that indicate any inclusion of an outside party are Cater's second example and Jade's example because of the inclusion of the pragmatic tag, I am operating under the assumption that each student is likely speaking about themselves. This creates a bit of conflict in my understanding when compared to the localizations, because the localizers keep making a referential to an outside party ("someone").
You can tell from the official localizations that they are localized in such a way that its seamless for English speakers, but the translations often aren't or can't be literal. The localizers also repeatedly use idiomatic phrases in their translations where contrastingly, the predicate of the sentence (after the time placement) don't necessarily use phrases that I recognize as being used in idiomatic contexts. This creates an issue since we can't use them as a reference for being able to figure out what から does/how it functions in the sentence as a grammatical element that also changes the meaning of the sentence. The closest thing we've been able to guess about the use of から in these lines is that it might mean "From" or "Because of", which we pulled from one of the Grammar Books that she uses to help teach. The chart can be seen here:
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But if that's the case, Cater's second line doesn't exactly make sense? Nor does Sebek's line? And for that reason, I have to wonder whether or not 朝から is used as a formulaic set up and if that set up is idiomatic in nature.
Both of us for literal months have been scrounging the internet in hopes that we can find any sort of clue as to how to understand this construction and/or to identify whether or not its specifically a colloquial usage to signify an idiomatic phrase is being used. One of the big flaws though is we haven't exactly been able to find any evidence on sites like Word Reference forums of the use of から in any potentially idiomatic way, and the localizations suggest that it could either be idiomatic or literal. We also haven't found any other site that uses or references から without まで.
At this point, it's entirely possible I'm overthinking it? But I'm genuinely confused and want to better understand it so I can improve my overall Japanese comprehension.
I honestly just wanted to share this because it's been both a fun and also frustrating learning journey, and also because I'm hoping maybe there's another person out here who 日本語と英語を話せまそ that might also recognize or know this construction and helps us understand it better. ^^;
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mischievouslittlecreature · 2 months ago
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Life update and general ramblings under the cut. Honestly I have no expectation of anyone to actually read all of this, I just gotta get it out somewhere.
So. I'm gonna try to continue to keep things as normal on here as I can, but if I disappear, or if I'm not responding to things as consistently or as quickly, this is why:
I'm dealing with a little bit of a health scare right now. And before anyone freaks out (like I am) it's probably nothing major to be concerned about. But for those of you who don't know, I have major health anxiety and am a bit of a hypochondriac, so I've been more or less teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown since I found out about this. It's been hard to find the motivation or focus to do much of anything, and some of the other mental issues I've been dealing with like my OCD have been majorly triggered by the stress this whole thing has caused and are running rampant.
It's been really discouraging, not only because I'm dealing with the fear that I may be seriously ill, but also because all the progress I thought that I'd made in overcoming some of my psychological issues like my OCD feels like they've gone out the fucking window.
I have another test on Friday that will determine if something actually is truly wrong or not, and I likely won't get the results until the week after. So I'm more or less in my equivalent of purgatory until then.
I'm going to try to get some comments queued up this weekend, so I can at least say that I did something productive, and so I'm not completely absent on here in case I do need to vanish for a little while. If there's anything particular you want me to see or respond to, please tag me in it and give me a little nudge if I don't respond fast enough. I promise I'm not ignoring anyone on purpose.
And don't worry about this affecting Love Me Where I'm Most Ruined. I'll still be updating on my weekly schedule. And even if things do go as badly as my brain is convinced they will and I am in fact dying, I'm gonna do my best to try to finish the series.
Anyway, I don't mean to freak anyone out or anything. Like I said, I think that this is just mostly my health anxiety having a fucking field day with the rest of my brain. But I just wanted to explain why I may be or have been a little off.
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sudokufag · 4 months ago
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Mmm it's something I've always wanted a chance to talk about but have never gotten a real chance to online or in real life but since it's disability pride month and all
I wanna give a huge shoutout to people with phobias. (long post ahead)
I feel like phobias aren't talked about nearly as much as they should be in mental health spaces. We talk a lot about people's triggers related to traumatic events, but we don't really cover what it's like to have a trigger from a phobia.
Phobias can come from trauma, but just as many times that happen for no reason at all. Sometimes a slightly uncomfortable, embarrassing or spooky one time occurance buries itself into your mind for no reason at all and it just stays there because the human mind is funny and often slips up.
There's not really a community for phobias, if you look up your phobia online you will be flooded with really triggering images, you can't search any tags online because those tags exist to censor triggers, not to form a community. (not to say that those tags aren't important ofc they are) The closest I've seen is the tag "actual phobia" in Tumblr but this seems small and drowned out by fandom posts somehow.
Phobias are hard and exhausting. They effect you in ways that people wouldn't expect and you cant really explain. They can be humiliating to have: kids in middle school intentionally would trigger my phobia because they didn't understand the severity until I fainted onto the floor. I'm an adult by my mom has to hold my hand and head at the doctors office so I don't break down like a child, the worst was when I had to get my covid shot and confused children and judgemental elderly people alike stared at me in the midst of my meltdown.
Phobias are very isolating. That new movie everyone raves about has triggering subjects right on the poster and no one really thinks to tag it while it's trending. That video game looks right up my alley, but oh, it triggers my phobia and theres no way to censor it in the settings. You try to tell friends and family about your issues as they halfway pay attention as they file your fears under the same urgency "needs to ask their partner to kill the spider". If you've got an uncommon or silly sounding phobia, you will straight up get laughed at for expressing your fear, even in what should be really progressive and accepting places.
It's hard to really describe a meltdown to someone who's never had them. Phobias often make people cry and scream and kick involuntarily, we can vomit and drop in blood sugar and have migraines and faint. To say that it's the feeling of walls closing in on you is to only put in the slightest terms. When I have a meltdown, I feel like I am dying. It's the most pain and fear you can feel, reverting you back into a confused childlike state, and the only reprieve I can get is knowing that I 15 minutes I will feel better if a little tired and I will get to drink a coke with a silly straw as congratulations for making it through.
Lots of people will give you a flat and unsympathetic "get help." even when they're typically progressive enough to know it's rude to say that to people suffering from things like depression. It applies to us too! It's damn hard to get a therapist already, even harder to feel ready to look a phobia in the eye. Signing up for exposure therapy is a very scary thing to do.
So to anyone reading this with a phobia or phobias:
Weather being the very common ones or ones so rare and niche that you aren't taken seriously, and God help you on avoiding triggers
Being unable to enter doctors offices or grocery stores or the post office without shaking in fear
Those whole also struggle with OCD too and have intrusive thoughts about their phobias, triggering them even when sitting alone in their room
Those who's circle doesn't take their phobia very seriously and feels lost and alone when triggered
For those who have been hospitalized or institutionalized because of their phobia
You're not alone! And all feelings, even the very worst feelings, always will come to pass.
I wish that there was a community around phobias the same way there is for my conditions ADHD and anxiety, so we could learn coping mechanisms and better understand ourselves as people through each other's experiences. I'm not sure how that'd work or what that'd look like, but the best way I can think of to get started is to post things like these!
*feel free to share you experience if you want to in the tags
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