#but if this is indeed all linked to that stuff that happened 4months ago | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

girl-bateman · 4 months ago

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Blood-work came back fine which either means I really do have a mysterious deadly illness OR its my mental health that's fucking up my physical health. Now my dilemma for my upcoming appointment .. do I mention how neurotically devastated I've been feeling these last months, knowing the doctor might be relieved to blame it all on hysteria instead of doing more testing ? Or do I just... not say anything about that.. lol

#i feel very very uncomfortable referring to diagnoses or specific mental health conditions that i cannot confirm i have (!)#but if this is indeed all linked to that stuff that happened 4months ago #which hypothetically would be linked to some unpleasantness that idk about from the past #then yes. my physical symptoms could technically be explained by a triggered trauma response #made worse by anxiety stress hightened cortisol levels etc etc #HOWEVER lots of doctors tend to dismiss women abt physical symptoms in favour of blaming mental health issues #and i dont want to give them any reason to do that in case i really am sick fr (as in dying lol)#bit then again i kinda am hysterical 👍#im relieved my friends have been so gentle with me abt this but it kinda makes it harder to have a reference point for how insane/normal #my thoughts and reflections are. bc they're just doing that empathetic listening thing. not rly saying what THEY think u know #and dont get me wrong! thats prob the right call! but for once id just like for someone to be like #'obviously u were xx' ??? bc they just keep saying they dont wanna speculate. and i dont either! but im going mad trying to find anwsers #and ig i just want someone to tell me what i should think and do and whats normal and whats not #like??? is it rational for me to think something bad happened or am i being delusional. evil and paranoid ???#am i in denial for believing that nothing might have happened at all and that there might be other things to explain whats going on ??#i just want to know what the normal ppl think bc i feel very far from normal rn #and i can tell my friends are having so many opinions that they are leaving unsaid #which low key is not helping the paranoia BUT once again i know that they are doing it out of kindness and sensitivity 🙏💓#i love my friends and this is not a diss to them !!! i just have a lot of conflicting thoughts and feelings abt it looool #sorry these tags always turn into a rant #diary entries

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