#<- god that’s hard to type…

[ghostlyschizophrenic]

tw: drug misuse, suicidal thoughts, mentions of self harm, medication talk

kinda asking for advice but don’t feel pressured to read or give advice, it’ll be good for me to write this out anyway

my ativan is able to be refilled again… i’m debating if i even want to pick it up. i haven’t taken any in almost 3 weeks because i took pretty much my entire months prescription in one week and i already pushed the limit on getting more from my psychiatrist for that last prescription so i went kinda cold turkey for the last few weeks and after getting through the first few days of withdrawal its been okay-ish

my biggest fear isn’t me starting to abuse ativan again, it’s my access to it. i’ll probably start abusing it again, i’m not in a great place and i already have given in to other forms of s/h. i’m going through huge mood swings every day and i go from borderline manic to borderline suicidal within hours. sometimes the hypomania turns into mania for a few days and i don’t sleep more than an hour for a few nights and i take the ativan to come down. sometimes the depression really sets in and i plan my death and i just numb myself to stay alive.

i guess what scares me is if my comfort techniques stop working. i have to sleep with headphones playing my comfort playlist so loud i can’t think and my head kinda hurts because all i can think about is how much i wanna die and how id do it. i have always done self indulgent fantasies before bed and ive gotten to a point im having people talk me down in my fantasies, to save me, because i can’t do it on my own. i worry though that one day ill just give in, that in a moment of weakness i take too much. that i have so much pain that i can’t numb it without ODing

i would just not pick it up but i have been having frequent panic attacks and that’s WHY i’m prescribed this medication and going through intense fight or flight responses on a regular basis without help has been destroying my nervous system. also my doctor would know that i didn’t and i don’t want to have to explain why

idk, it feels like a lose-lose situation. i had panic attacks this frequently before and in such specific situations i developed a trauma response to the area id have them that still triggers me almost 10 years later and i just don’t want to go through it again, i really really don’t. but i also don’t want to die, no matter how much my suicidal thoughts want me to.

inherently, instinctively i want to live. i’m so so close to living the life ive always wanted and it’s so close my mouth waters for it. i just… i feel like no matter what choice i make im being pulled back down.

fuckin sisyphus-ass situation

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Vibes based grading system.

(for @epistemologys, who wanted some post-canon, teacher WWX)

[arcanegifs]

ARCANE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS: 2x03 - “Finally Got The Name Right”

[saragrosie]

I have been sketching. So much tma. Here's some expansions on my Jon and Martin designs I've been doing.

Another note I forgor to mention is I love how after hearing Simon go "it's enough to make your hair turn white" about Martin's office in s4 many of us collectively agreed his hair turned white because of his association with the Lonely. The shared consciousness is real and we use it to play hot potato with the communal brain cell dedicated to the sillies.

Closeup of apocalypse boyfriends (also to the person who said they love my s5 Jon's fancy white girl updo: I think about that every day)

[skyhavens]

𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 in the Dragon Age: The Veilguard Official Gameplay Reveal.

[lazylittledragon]

i will never have this attitude to anything else in any part of life but i did not down monster and coffee and sit in my university library all night and experience rollercoaster level anxiety on the countdown to last submissions just so people can write their essays with chatgpt

[starry-bi-sky]

i have been unmedicated for the entirety of spring break and thus have had little interest in writing this down, but i have been thinking about this for the entire week (as well as a dpdc clone danny au that resulted in it becoming its entirely separate batman au that includes a teenage vigilante bruce wayne, an ocarina, and me entirely incapable of making a batman au without making bruce dirt poor but we're not talking about that) and so i've finally went 'fuck it' and forcibly grabbed my laptop. I will get this done in one sitting even if it kills me.

BUT. This is about neither clone^2 danny nor about who i am calling Ocarina Batman. This is about my Danyal Al Ghul Au and more SPECIFICALLY it's me thinking about his relationship with Sam and Tucker specifically.

Tucker and Sam? Adore this asshole (affectionate) with every fiber of their being. And it is very much a reciprocated feeling, but Danny's thoughts will not be delved into much other than he would kill for them.

Tucker? The only person currently capable of getting a deep, loud, belly laugh out of Danny. Sam can get him to smile and to laugh, but it's the kind that's a chuckle-under-the-breath. The quiet, looks-down-while-huffing laughter. Snorts once with laughter and then grins stupidly.

But Tucker? Tucker can crack a slew of stupid jokes and Danny will be incapacitated for the next five minutes because he's laughing so hard that he can't breath. He lands one well-timed pun or quip and Danny will be close to tears. His laughter is their favorite sound in the whole world.

Sam is lowkey jealous of this ability, and she's gotten a belly laugh out of Danny a few times. But alas, it is Tucker who wields this power and has gotten it the most times out of the two of them.

-

They're also both physically affectionate with Danny as much as possible. It started roughly around when they were 12-ish, a year since they befriended Danny, and they noticed that he sought after touch but never seemed to initiate (and was in some ways repulsed by it). They started slowly being more touchy with him. Hooking a finger around his to lead him somewhere, tapping his wrist, looping arms. Little touches, grabs, etc, to get him used to it, and once he started doing it back they started increasing it.

It's gotten to a point where he will now just. Lay on them. Like a lizard sunbathing on a rock. Leaning on their backs when they're sitting in class before the bell rings, his chin on their heads. He'll talk about anything with his arms looped around their shoulders.

If they're sitting on a couch at either of their houses, he'll lay his legs on theirs. Him and Tucker will press their feet against the other's and try and push against them (newsflash: Danny always wins, Tucker claims its the ghost strength but Danny's been winning since before his accident)

-

Naturally, both Sam and Tucker know where Danny keeps his weapons on his person, and are allowed to grab them off of him if they need it. His only requirement is that they don't lose his weapons if they take it and forget to return it immediately.

They both understand how big of a thing this is from Danny, and so they do their best to treat his weapons with a lot of respect and care because they know its his way of saying he trusts them.

-

Sam and Tucker are so fond of Danny it's insane. Like fr. That's their goddamn best friend, and they are so protective of him. Emotionally, physically, you name it. They will tear the head off a grown man if they need to, Danny's had scars since he arrived in Amity Park and Sam and Tucker both are going to find the person who put them there and make them pay for it.

One time, Tucker overheard a bunch of upperclass girls speaking nastily about Danny and about the rumors surrounding him, calling him names like 'freak', 'monster', etc. Danny was with him and heard it, and seemingly appeared unbothered by it, even telling Tucker that he was used to such rumors.

Tucker was so furious that hacked into the school system later that night and tanked those girls grades. They were kicked out of their clubs and had to go to mandatory tutoring for the rest of the year. He made sure to leave some way of letting them know it was him who did it.

And Sam doesn't like using her money for things, doesn't like abusing that wealth. So instead, whenever her parents talk bad about Danny, she causes a media incident that has her parents scrambling to deal with. She does something wild, outrageous by her parents' standards.

She heard some boys on the basketball team making fun of Danny once, similar to those girls had. She kicks up a fuss about something eco-unfriendly at school and forcibly holds a protest on the same day of the big home basketball game, forcing them to cancel the event and reschedule to a visiting school.

She anonymously donates money so that there's new uniforms for the team but oops! Looks like she "forgot" to donate enough money for them to get uniforms for all the team members, and strangely enough those boys in particular didn't get them! Looks like they'll have to wait until more money gets donated for the basketball team to get their new, nice uniforms. The old ones look so ratty in comparison, right?

And since the football team gets most of the sport money, that might just take awhile. And if (and when) they kick up a fuss? oops! Off the basketball team you go, :) such unsportsman-like behavior is unfit for the team.

(The only good thing about how corrupt the school system is is that she can use it to her advantage too.)

The both of them know that Danny suspects them for the sudden misfortune falling on these people, but he doesn't call them out on it. He's kinder than he used to be, but not kind enough to vouch for people who speak badly of him. Sometimes, he might just congratulate them on not getting caught.

Because Danny is their wonderful, hurt friend with a "slightly" Blue and Orange Moral code, and enough scars that people have been calling him a criminal (and worse) since he arrived in Amity Park when he was ten. And they'll be damned if he gets hurt anymore.

[buttercupshands]

have a transparent Loop because I actually put efford into this one out of allllll the sprites I did today just because.

[touchlikethesun]

what do you do when you’re in love with god? what do you do when god is in love with you? what do you do when god hand-crafted you to be everything he desires? what do you do when god is a soft warm thing you can touch and hold? what do you do when god stays by your side for years never abandoning you? what do you do when god loves you back?

and when you are god, tired and overworked, and your special creation loves you? when he offers you aid and rest and peace? when he doesn’t know who you are and how much love you’ve poured into him, but he loves you as a person, loves you at your weakest, what do you do then? god, what do you do?

[lexo-is-pesto]

hey guys ~

so like a lot of people my age a certain movie has re-awakened the cringey middle school sonic fan in me and has henceforth unblocked my art! i know a lot of people will be disappointed but my bio did warn you im a criminal fandom hopper <3

Also wouldn't it be so funny if Sonic was like just a nudist in this universe? Hes just THAT much of a free spirit that hes the only one alowed to not wear clothes and gets away with it because Sonic accidentally saved the earth a million times.

ps: can you tell that I really really loved mosth? cause i based the colors off of it lolll, silver was... difficult... since hes not.. um.

Bonus process:

[hydrus101]

Malevolent in and of itself has never really “scared” me in the same way that a lot of other horror media does

With one horrific exception. Part 43.

The idea that, should Arthur die—permanently and for good—John will still be in control of his hand and his eyes, is horrifying. Think about it. John will feel every minute of Arthur’s decay. He will feel his muscles get sluggish and go unresponsive as his blood flow coagulates and bloats. He will feel the skin start to slough off and liquify, provided his nerves are intact enough at that stage to register it. In the few mere hours after his death, his eyes will dry up and cloud before eventually collapsing all together, taking away his sight, the one part of Arthur he has kept safe from the very beginning, leaving him alone in the dark for god knows how long. Will it end when his eyes liquify or will he remain in that empty void forever? Aware but cut off entirely?

I can imagine nothing more horrifying than being trapped in a corpse.

[bunnieswithknives]

how do you think Fiyero’s scarecrow-ification went? Like on his POV of things

It was like being set on fire from the inside out. ♥

He wasn't particularly conscious, he'd lost a lot of blood beforehand, even outside of the amnesia au I doubt he'd really remember it. maybe just the impressions of green and burning. He was already in so much pain that at first he didn't even recognize what was happening, his broken ribs and bleeding guts indistinguishable from the sparks spreading somewhere deep inside him, his barely conscious brain only fixated on the single thought that he was going to die soon, and it would be alone.

It wasn't until the spell ate his lungs into straw that he started to thrash, a weak and exhausted visceral reaction as his throat spasmed for air, only to find more straw in his mouth instead. Straw sprouted out through the gashes in his skin and where broken bone met air as the fire began to creep outward, eating away at skin and leaving something unfamiliar in its wake, burning away everything else. Inescapable fire was eating him alive and spitting out a mockery of his body until finally, whatever part that tells him he needs to breath is eaten too, and the relief is so absolute that he passes out.

+ bonus version without the fire so you can actually see him

[serpentface]

What are the three different afterlives, on the moons?

The afterlife consists of three lunar lands, conceptualized as being literally on the moons (which are correctly understood to be spherical bodies in a rounded orbit). The world is, in the common imagination, effectively a floating island and seabed in the middle of a vast cosmic sea. The seabed eventually drops off somewhere far into the open sea, and the cosmic sea in its totality is beyond and beneath this and and goes on infinitely (though if creation stories are taken literally, it can't actually be infinite considering that God is cited as dredging up muck from the bottom. This is a philosophical problem for the literalist minority and no one else). The moons, sun, and stars travel through the cosmic sky and sea in their daily cycles, in an orbit around the earth. 

The lunar lands are usually dark (they only experience full light in times when the moons can be seen in daytime hours), but they are much closer to the stars, so they never experience the same darkness as night on earth. In some branches of folk thought, the light of the moons comes from the torches and fires lit by the dead. The moons are protected from the extremes of cosmic sea and sky that they orbit through by the continuous presence of God’s soul (at the most dead-literal, this is conceptualized like a spherical bubble that surrounds the land/earth with the moons orbiting on its plane, but is mostly understood in a more spiritual, less logistical capacity) and do not experience the terrible heat and cold of each primordial extreme. 

---

The blue moon (second largest in the sky, has a very slight bluish tinge) is the best of three afterlives and the place for the most honored dead. This place is limited to people who performed great deeds in life, and very few people ever go here.

The only completely predictable way to get here is to be the dry season human sacrifice (which also makes you a saint), or being the Odomache. It takes great deeds to be declared a saint, so all canonized saints have gone here, as have most legendary heroes. There’s some doctrinal division over whether royalty goes here automatically or they too require the actual accomplishment of great deeds. Public opinion and general consensus veers, quite heavily, towards the latter. It’s resulted in a tendency for kings to perform lavish public works and building projects and instigate expansionist campaigns to better their chances.

The blue moon is a lush garden with palaces and homes built with lapis lazuli. A mythical blue lotus grows here that is said to grant everlasting life (*until the end of the world. there is no true immortality). Some mythical heroes (and characters in animal folktales) have been said to reach the lunar lands while still alive in pursuit of the lotus, but it has remained entirely elusive for the average joe. These lands are comfortably warm year-round, the rains are gentle, all plants grow in abundance and are always in fruit. It is thought that the souls of great sacrificial animals (those offered up in public rites, limited to animals that are specifically sacred) go here as well. The dead do not have to labor and all their needs are met with ease. It is a place of great serenity, rest, and happiness.

This afterlife is, notably, where the first men are enthroned (And Also Their Wives Are There). The eldest brother of this set is considered the most important saint (he is the one who actually performed the sacrifice of God), and all are effectively semi-divine (though not venerated), being the direct offspring of God via Its insemination of the cosmic sea. These first men are credited with actually shaping the world as it is today via the division of God’s body, and they now rule over the afterlife.

This is the best of all afterlives, but comes with profound responsibilities. The souls of the dead here are bound to survive the end of the world and will someday will be the ones to sacrifice the bodily reborn God, shape the next world, and become the progenitors and guides for the next people. All other souls in all other afterlives will not survive the end of the world in their present state, rather they will be returned to God and await reincarnation into a new human body after creation.

---

The white moon (visibly largest in the sky) is where people who died honorable deaths and/or have spirits weighted as pure go. The easiest guarantee of getting here is to die in battle, or in childbirth (which is fortunate given the high rate of pregnancy-related mortalities). People who live honorable and virtuous lives, maintain spiritual cleanliness to the best of their ability, and follow right practice are otherwise the main demographic. This is the best afterlife the average everyday person can hope to end up in.

It is vast grassland eternally in flower, with ten rivers running through it. The sacred (and actually real) orange lotus grows here in abundance. Homes are built of moonstone, gardens of crops run between them and the maize can be harvested year-round and provides eternal and easy sustenance for the dead. Most time is spent at rest and leisure.

It’s thought the souls of ‘petty sacrifice’ animals go here (those offered for individual benefit, rather than in public rites for the good of the people/world itself). Animals considered to Have Value without necessarily being sacred are appropriate for these petty sacrifices (horses and fowl are very common) so there’s plenty of livestock here for milk, wool, and eggs.

---

The egg moon (named for its slightly ovular shape to the naked eye) is the lesser afterlife, where people whose spirits are weighted unclean and/or did not die honorable deaths end up if they succeed in their death-journeys. Most people go here. This is not a Bad afterlife, just the Mid option of three pretty good ones.

It’s described as a vast grassland with five rivers running through it. It is very much like the world of the living, with normal seasonal change and cycles of plant growth. The dead have to labor here as they do in the world of the living, but without the risk of starvation or need to fight for resources. The land is fertile, the rains come and go as needed, the harvests are always good and the livestock are always well fed. All in all, it's far easier and more peaceful than life on earth.

It is thought that the souls of most sacred animals that did not die in sacrifice go here (so the majority of the world’s cattle, aurochs, khait, lions, cobras, hespaean, reed ducks, skimmer gulls, and albatrosses). The cattle and khait tend to be the center of focus, and there isn’t really a set concept of what the carnivores are eating, or whether the lions and venomous snakes pose any danger to the people there (there IS at least loosely a notion that the dead can die a second time and will be sent back to the cosmic sea to await reincarnation, though this mostly plays into eschatological beliefs and not into concerns of 'what if I get to the lunar lands and am immediately mauled to death: 2 by a lion').

This one HEAVILY overlaps conceptually with the Celestial Fields, with these aspects likely being influenced by a history of cultural exchange between proto-Finnic and proto-Wardi groups. In some folk traditions this syncretism is even more obvious via inclusion of Mak-Urudain guard dog figures (most Ephenni folk-traditions say that funerary guide dogs stay there to protect the cattle and khait from the lions, Ephenni Riverlanders straight up have a Mak-Urudain figure present as the First Ever guide dog who now protects the cattle all by himself, Erub provincial folk traditions state the dog constellation guards the cattle in all afterlives, etc), though this has no presence whatsoever in official doctrine. (On the reverse side, the heavenly cattle that the agricultural goddess Od brought to the Fields (to ensure ancestors can never starve if their shitty descendants neglect them) is probably at least Partly Wardi influenced).

---

SOME NOTES:

-This religion technically views reincarnation as the ultimate fate of the dead, but considers this to only occur after the end of the current world. Eschatological beliefs are not even remotely central to this belief system (it's not a concern of the average practitioner like, at all, though raises to greater prominence during lasting droughts), but it’s assumed that the earth itself must eventually die and be reborn like all other created things. It was born from water and so will end in drought, then fire. All life and all souls but those of the most exalted on the blue moon will perish again and be returned to God.

God will be bodily reborn, and begin the process of self-sacrifice and creation over again. The survivors from the blue moon will become the first people, will sacrifice God, and build the next world from Its body. God will again inseminate the cosmic sea before Its death (releasing human/sophont souls to await rebirth), and will spill Its blood on the earth (releasing animal souls to await rebirth), and the world as we know it will begin again (but perhaps better, with the guidance of leaders from the previous world).

-most animals do not go to the lunar lands. All animals are regarded as having souls, but non-sophont animals were born from the earth (fertilized by God's blood) and are more intimately tied to it. The standard view is that most animals immediately return to the earth to be reincarnated upon death, though some can persist in the form of ghosts (not regarded as torturous for them like it is for humans, they're meant to be tied to the earth). Animals that make the journey to the lunar lands do so ultimately as assistants to humans (in the form of funerary guide dogs) or due to their sacredness (which also is functionally a form of assistance to humans).

-The afterlife status of any dog killed to be a funerary guide for the deceased is somewhat ambiguous. Funerary guide dogs are thought to at least Get To the lunar lands, but there's no consensus opinion on whether they can Stay There (unlike funerary khait and lions, guaranteed a spot due to sacred status). Most interpretations see the dogs returning to the earth (often to continue serving as funerary guides), but some death-journey stories describe the noblest and most loyal of dogs gaining entry along with their masters.

-All sophonts Recognized as sophonts (via the capacity for forms of intelligent speech obvious to humans) are understood to have been created the same way as humans and have the same type of soul, and to theoretically have access the lunar lands if they follow the same methods.

-The majority of people in this world, obviously, do not practice Imperial Wardi standard funerals, and are therefore regarded as Probably Fucked. It's accepted that any form of cremation is sufficient to at least send the dead on their way, but the dead who don't get the full Materially Correct Wardi Funeral Treatment will surely have a MUCH harder time completing their journeys (THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO GO TO THE MOONS LOL!!!!!).

-The dead require substantial help from the living in terms of actually getting to the lunar lands (proper funerals, grave goods and animal guides to assist their journey, etc), but are considered fully provided for once they get there in the doctrinal Faith and most of its folk variants. Maintaining and visiting family tombs (holding cremains and grave goods) is usually regarded as being a matter of familial piety and honorable behavior (and also just being like, a way to grieve), rather than something that directly benefits the dead in any capacity.

Ancestor-worship practices requiring the dead to be continually provided for were Possibly first brought to the region by Proto-Finnic migrants (though it's not beyond question that some groups with longer histories here had similar practices) and have had impacts outside of this immediate sphere. The biggest and most obvious is a 'feast of the dead' holiday being nearly ubiquitous across the cultural spheres of almost All groups here. Among most of the Hill Tribes and some of the North Wardi, this is specifically a holiday where all ancestors return to the earth and are provided food, gifts, and warm clothing (it occurs on the winter solstice). Most in the Imperial Wardi sphere do not have 'the dead are capable of coming back down to earth and also need continual support in general' as a part of their religious worldview, but variants of this holiday have been so widely adopted that it's celebrated anyway. The most ancestor-worship free version frames it more as a celebration of life and a time to remember the dead, and doesn't involve the feast being left untouched until morning so that spirits of the dead can eat its essence before the living get to it.

-In all three afterlives, the dead are perpetually in the presence of the Soul of God (the body is the earth, and the Faces are Its living spirit, god fucking damn it I made a trinity,). This cleanses them to become spiritually pure beings (a state impossible to be in and only possible to Approach while alive), any sufferings of disease or curses they experienced in life are removed. This is regarded as a very peaceful and restful state of being.

-There’s no discrete Bad Place afterlife, but there's still religious avenues to regulate behavior via threats of a Bad Afterlife with the notion of being trapped as an earthbound ghost. Per doctrine, it's possible to have one's connection to God severed (usually via extreme spiritual pollution, which just so happens to mostly come from behavior considered morally unfavorable) which can result in the soul being unable to complete their journey and being trapped as a ghost. A dead body being allowed to rot or be eaten will result in this automatically, whether by neglect or 'incorrect' funerary practices (cremation is the only funeral method considered safe). Very widespread folk belief additionally holds that people who die from drowning or non-ritual suicide are also trapped.

Burial of the dead and sky burials are regarded as horrific barbarism, damning the dead to suffering throughout the afterlife. Cannibalism/consumption of the dead in any form is regarded as almost unspeakably evil. Mummification is Okay as a temporary solution if cremation is impossible, but not as a permanent one (it's not as strongly condemned since the dead can stay with their intact, un-rotten and un-eaten body and in theory eventually be saved, but it's on thin fucking ice).

An earthbound ghost is stuck in the location of their death, deprived of rest and feeling their body rot around them, and usually becomes dangerous to the living. It is believed that some earthbound ghosts can be saved, but this requires extensive intervention and is not considered to work every time. Many evil spirits started out as earthbound ghosts, and at this point are warped beyond any possible human intervention. Doctrinal end-times consensus holds that all earthbound ghosts will Eventually be delivered from their nightmare at the death of the world when their soul is returned to God for rebirth, but the average person is not all that concerned with the end times and being a ghost is probable millennia of suffering either way. The average person is very, VERY strongly motivated to avoid this fate.

[arcanegifs]

ARCANEGIFS' FAVORITE VI LOOK: Act 2 Emo MCR Vi

[medi-bee]

isat pokemon au, my liege?

my rambling in tags

[tomlivingspace]

Would I be wrong to suggest that the way the Clan would talk about FernIvy would also be toxic to some extent?

Ex:

*Fernsong steps into the nursery* “Oh look at him!! Such a good dad!”

*Fernsong goes on patrol* *no comments made*

vs

*Ivypool steps into the nursery* *no comments made*

*Ivypool goes on patrol* “You know you should really be watching your kits :/“ “Bet it was hard being away from the kits, right?” “What if the kits got hungry?” “I wouldn’t be able to leave my kits!” “Do you not love them?”

OH ABSOLUTELY NOT. i think that's right on the mark and where the whole thing stems from, and why fernsong starts doing it (besides as an excuse to mollify ivypool's worries about getting pregnant/having kittens). I think he doesn't really care for fighting much, but it's less about spending time w/ the kittens and more about the attention whenever he's in the nursery (which may be slightly more than other toms but is still not often). and i think at the same time the expectation that ivypool will stay in the nursery full time until her kittens are apprenticed make her feel like a prisoner and is a big reason why she's so eager to get out of there.