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tw: drug misuse, suicidal thoughts, mentions of self harm, medication talk
kinda asking for advice but don’t feel pressured to read or give advice, it’ll be good for me to write this out anyway
my ativan is able to be refilled again… i’m debating if i even want to pick it up. i haven’t taken any in almost 3 weeks because i took pretty much my entire months prescription in one week and i already pushed the limit on getting more from my psychiatrist for that last prescription so i went kinda cold turkey for the last few weeks and after getting through the first few days of withdrawal its been okay-ish
my biggest fear isn’t me starting to abuse ativan again, it’s my access to it. i’ll probably start abusing it again, i’m not in a great place and i already have given in to other forms of s/h. i’m going through huge mood swings every day and i go from borderline manic to borderline suicidal within hours. sometimes the hypomania turns into mania for a few days and i don’t sleep more than an hour for a few nights and i take the ativan to come down. sometimes the depression really sets in and i plan my death and i just numb myself to stay alive.
i guess what scares me is if my comfort techniques stop working. i have to sleep with headphones playing my comfort playlist so loud i can’t think and my head kinda hurts because all i can think about is how much i wanna die and how id do it. i have always done self indulgent fantasies before bed and ive gotten to a point im having people talk me down in my fantasies, to save me, because i can’t do it on my own. i worry though that one day ill just give in, that in a moment of weakness i take too much. that i have so much pain that i can’t numb it without ODing
i would just not pick it up but i have been having frequent panic attacks and that’s WHY i’m prescribed this medication and going through intense fight or flight responses on a regular basis without help has been destroying my nervous system. also my doctor would know that i didn’t and i don’t want to have to explain why
idk, it feels like a lose-lose situation. i had panic attacks this frequently before and in such specific situations i developed a trauma response to the area id have them that still triggers me almost 10 years later and i just don’t want to go through it again, i really really don’t. but i also don’t want to die, no matter how much my suicidal thoughts want me to.
inherently, instinctively i want to live. i’m so so close to living the life ive always wanted and it’s so close my mouth waters for it. i just… i feel like no matter what choice i make im being pulled back down.
fuckin sisyphus-ass situation
#tw drugs#tw drug overdose#tw drug misuse#tw substance abuse#tw suicidal tendencies#tw suicidal thoughts#tw suicidality#tw suicidal ideation#tw self harm#tw overdosing#tw overdose#tw meds#tw medication misuse#tw medication#tw addiction#<- god that’s hard to type…#ghost.txt
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ARCANE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS: 2x03 - “Finally Got The Name Right”
#arcane#caitvi#arcaneedit#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane league of legends#league of legends arcane#vi#vi arcane#arcane vi#caitlyn kiramman#heenot#caitlyn#caitlyn arcane#type: gif#media: arcane#league of legends#s2 ep3#i needed to get this scene outta my system..... oh hardened cait.... changed and driven by her grief and anger over jinx#then we see vi who stubbornly clings onto the sweet cupcait she once knew... just like she was holding onto powder#but the heartbreaking part is that she's changed and vi STILL tries to give everything to caitlyn because shes so self sacrificing#and hoping that the caitlyn she once knew is still there but im so so sorry vi but cupcait is gone look at cait wanting to pull the trigger#just look at the pain behind vi's eyes she cant believe cait would be like this god im in pain#shes trying so hard to reel the cait she knew back in GAHHHHHH#also i hated coloring this scene but whats new with dark scenes from arcane lol
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I have been sketching. So much tma. Here's some expansions on my Jon and Martin designs I've been doing.
Another note I forgor to mention is I love how after hearing Simon go "it's enough to make your hair turn white" about Martin's office in s4 many of us collectively agreed his hair turned white because of his association with the Lonely. The shared consciousness is real and we use it to play hot potato with the communal brain cell dedicated to the sillies.
Closeup of apocalypse boyfriends (also to the person who said they love my s5 Jon's fancy white girl updo: I think about that every day)
#s5 Jon in his white girl era#whatever the fuck that means#I'm still not done w the archives cuz busy n stuff but Jon needs to let Martin know wtf goin on#God may work in mysterious ways but you do not have to. Communicate with your man please#my art#the magnus archives#tma fanart#tma#tma season 5#tma spoilers#jonathan sims#tma podcast#martin blackwood#tma jmart#jmart#jmart fanart#jonmartin#there's so much going on in these and I am not sorry welcome to my chaotic mind#hope y'all read the tags cuz I need to announce before I fully make my Jon character sheet that his favorite band is linkin park#it's so funny and just right#tbf linkin park goes hard I'm tired of pretending it doesnt#but come on he totally was totally an edgey prick when he was younger#and older. he hasnt changed huh#anygays he totally loves linkin park and type o negative and three days grace and green day and evanescence#georgie was a paramore girlie I just know it#wish gerry were here he and jon would jam to type o negative so much :( and jon could introduce him to this cold night :(((#ok enough byeeeee
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𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄 𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐈𝐍𝐆 in the Dragon Age: The Veilguard Official Gameplay Reveal.
#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#daedit#daedits#lace harding#type: gifs#game: dragon age#ch: lace harding#mine: edits#god she's soooo !!!!
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i have been unmedicated for the entirety of spring break and thus have had little interest in writing this down, but i have been thinking about this for the entire week (as well as a dpdc clone danny au that resulted in it becoming its entirely separate batman au that includes a teenage vigilante bruce wayne, an ocarina, and me entirely incapable of making a batman au without making bruce dirt poor but we're not talking about that) and so i've finally went 'fuck it' and forcibly grabbed my laptop. I will get this done in one sitting even if it kills me.
BUT. This is about neither clone^2 danny nor about who i am calling Ocarina Batman. This is about my Danyal Al Ghul Au and more SPECIFICALLY it's me thinking about his relationship with Sam and Tucker specifically.
Tucker and Sam? Adore this asshole (affectionate) with every fiber of their being. And it is very much a reciprocated feeling, but Danny's thoughts will not be delved into much other than he would kill for them.
Tucker? The only person currently capable of getting a deep, loud, belly laugh out of Danny. Sam can get him to smile and to laugh, but it's the kind that's a chuckle-under-the-breath. The quiet, looks-down-while-huffing laughter. Snorts once with laughter and then grins stupidly.
But Tucker? Tucker can crack a slew of stupid jokes and Danny will be incapacitated for the next five minutes because he's laughing so hard that he can't breath. He lands one well-timed pun or quip and Danny will be close to tears. His laughter is their favorite sound in the whole world.
Sam is lowkey jealous of this ability, and she's gotten a belly laugh out of Danny a few times. But alas, it is Tucker who wields this power and has gotten it the most times out of the two of them.
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They're also both physically affectionate with Danny as much as possible. It started roughly around when they were 12-ish, a year since they befriended Danny, and they noticed that he sought after touch but never seemed to initiate (and was in some ways repulsed by it). They started slowly being more touchy with him. Hooking a finger around his to lead him somewhere, tapping his wrist, looping arms. Little touches, grabs, etc, to get him used to it, and once he started doing it back they started increasing it.
It's gotten to a point where he will now just. Lay on them. Like a lizard sunbathing on a rock. Leaning on their backs when they're sitting in class before the bell rings, his chin on their heads. He'll talk about anything with his arms looped around their shoulders.
If they're sitting on a couch at either of their houses, he'll lay his legs on theirs. Him and Tucker will press their feet against the other's and try and push against them (newsflash: Danny always wins, Tucker claims its the ghost strength but Danny's been winning since before his accident)
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Naturally, both Sam and Tucker know where Danny keeps his weapons on his person, and are allowed to grab them off of him if they need it. His only requirement is that they don't lose his weapons if they take it and forget to return it immediately.
They both understand how big of a thing this is from Danny, and so they do their best to treat his weapons with a lot of respect and care because they know its his way of saying he trusts them.
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Sam and Tucker are so fond of Danny it's insane. Like fr. That's their goddamn best friend, and they are so protective of him. Emotionally, physically, you name it. They will tear the head off a grown man if they need to, Danny's had scars since he arrived in Amity Park and Sam and Tucker both are going to find the person who put them there and make them pay for it.
One time, Tucker overheard a bunch of upperclass girls speaking nastily about Danny and about the rumors surrounding him, calling him names like 'freak', 'monster', etc. Danny was with him and heard it, and seemingly appeared unbothered by it, even telling Tucker that he was used to such rumors.
Tucker was so furious that hacked into the school system later that night and tanked those girls grades. They were kicked out of their clubs and had to go to mandatory tutoring for the rest of the year. He made sure to leave some way of letting them know it was him who did it.
And Sam doesn't like using her money for things, doesn't like abusing that wealth. So instead, whenever her parents talk bad about Danny, she causes a media incident that has her parents scrambling to deal with. She does something wild, outrageous by her parents' standards.
She heard some boys on the basketball team making fun of Danny once, similar to those girls had. She kicks up a fuss about something eco-unfriendly at school and forcibly holds a protest on the same day of the big home basketball game, forcing them to cancel the event and reschedule to a visiting school.
She anonymously donates money so that there's new uniforms for the team but oops! Looks like she "forgot" to donate enough money for them to get uniforms for all the team members, and strangely enough those boys in particular didn't get them! Looks like they'll have to wait until more money gets donated for the basketball team to get their new, nice uniforms. The old ones look so ratty in comparison, right?
And since the football team gets most of the sport money, that might just take awhile. And if (and when) they kick up a fuss? oops! Off the basketball team you go, :) such unsportsman-like behavior is unfit for the team.
(The only good thing about how corrupt the school system is is that she can use it to her advantage too.)
The both of them know that Danny suspects them for the sudden misfortune falling on these people, but he doesn't call them out on it. He's kinder than he used to be, but not kind enough to vouch for people who speak badly of him. Sometimes, he might just congratulate them on not getting caught.
Because Danny is their wonderful, hurt friend with a "slightly" Blue and Orange Moral code, and enough scars that people have been calling him a criminal (and worse) since he arrived in Amity Park when he was ten. And they'll be damned if he gets hurt anymore.
#dpxdc#dp x dc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dp x dc crossover#dpxdc crossover#dpdc#danyal al ghul#its kinda hard to get my thoughts in order bc i am ✨unmedicated✨ rn BUT#this is the gist of it#i could wax poetic about how much sam and tucker adore danny as their friend but alas. the wax is not waxing. it is stuck to the paper#and i am chipping it off with my nail and its getting stuck under it.#ocarina batman has been in my head since friday someone come sedate me. him and pit fighter batman too. who is ALSO a piss poor teenage#bruce wayne who instead of a vigilante and villains is a PIT FIGHTER. he fights blindfolded thats why he's called the bat#ocarina batman's Look is if you combined punk + assassins creed aesthetic together and then gave it an ocarina#the ocarina is because i thought it'd be cool if its how he and robin communicated across long distances bc they didnt have comms#because they are ✨poor✨ and live in a one room apartment in crime alley.#and also the mental image of him sitting on. rooftop ledge in the rain playing 'song of storms' from LoZ was too fantastic to ignore#like bro imagine hearing that as a criminal. you're off doing shady shit with your gang and in the distance you hear the faint and#haunting melody of an ocarina. two of them in a call and response duet. and its getting closer. and you cannot find where#siren type shit fr fr#look he has the assassins creed hood and a long ass coat that has spikes on the end that when flared out looks like the silhouette of a bat#on fucking GOD i am this 👌 close to finding an artist doing commissions to make this for me. i am frothing at the mouth#he is 17-19 years old with his little brother-son Robin. Logically Robin is Dick but in my heart of hearts the first Robin is Jason#and he has perfected the art of getting his older brother to play songs on the pan flute for him. long pitchy whine on his own ocarina#the familiar childlike 'pleeeaaaaaaase?' and he knows he's won when there is a 10s silence on the other end before his brother plays#a lullaby.#look up 'sailor moon - pan flute (relaxing) on youtube' and when there's the thumbnail of two green skinned aliens with long blue and pink#hair. click on it. THAT is the song Bruce plays.#hhhhhhhhhhh frothing at the mouth over this au sooo fucking badly
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what do you do when you’re in love with god? what do you do when god is in love with you? what do you do when god hand-crafted you to be everything he desires? what do you do when god is a soft warm thing you can touch and hold? what do you do when god stays by your side for years never abandoning you? what do you do when god loves you back?
and when you are god, tired and overworked, and your special creation loves you? when he offers you aid and rest and peace? when he doesn’t know who you are and how much love you’ve poured into him, but he loves you as a person, loves you at your weakest, what do you do then? god, what do you do?
#moshang got me hard tonight boys#like#i i am buffering irl#moshang#it feels a bit over dramatic typing it out like that#but that’s what they are#god im#theyre#they are#fuck#mobei jun#shang qinghua#svsss
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Sam and Tom having to explain what "ship" means gave me such whiplash cause I lowkey forget that words like "fandom" and "hurt/comfort" and "angst" and "AU" and "hanahaki" aren't just commonly known words.
#shoot from the hip#when the fandom fandoms too hard :(#but also I forget that these are adult men who did not grow up on the internet and probably don't know what ao3 is#...I think I need to touch grass#(oh dear god I read this entire thing in a british accent while typing it...I've officially gone off the deep end)
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#just saw the worst fucking take#tell me you’ve never struggled with addiction without telling me you’ve never struggled with addiction#god it’s almost as if people struggling with addiction are *checks notes* …people???#i love on the outskirts of east van#one of the hardest hit areas in North America when it comes to the opioid epidemic#i have seen people die of overdoses right in front of me#ive lost dear friends to addiction#it’s not that hard to have an ounce of fucking humanity#addiction#drugs related#i hate that drugs aesthetics was the first thing that popped up when I typed that#nice people take drugs#drugs take nice people#harm reduction#recovery#mental health#self compassion
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isat pokemon au, my liege?
my rambling in tags
#my art#in stars and time#isat#isat spoilers#pokemon#siffrin#mirabelle#isabeau#odile#bonnie#i am not individually tagging pokemon sorry. floragato eevee ursaring scorbunny meowstic <- for anyone who does not know them#im personally a big fan of when artists mold pokemon designs like clay to fit their characters so i tried to channel that#siffrin really does have the perfect mystery dungeon backstory. washes up on a beach with no memories of their past type of deal yknow#i imagine that he was still a sprigatito then? and evolves at some point during their journey? dont ask me for details i dont know them#veryy tempting to make him an absol but ive already seen that done very well!! so i kept most of these to floragato sif#mirabelle being an eevee is suuuch low hanging fruit sorry. i could not resist the evolving pokemon not wanting to evolve trope#i was concerned that sif was no longer shortest party member until i realized they just stand on their back legs all the time to feel talle#when quadruped like mira he is still shortest. sorry siffrin#isa gave me such a hard time. like i never thought i would turn a character into ursaring of all things but it really was the best choice#my other choices were bewear or pawmot if you care. he’s so bear coded#if going purely based on looks i probably would have made odile a sneasler. but i wanted her to be psychic#ill be honest bonnie was purely vibes. they carry the treasure bag :)#never draw bonnie's hat in profile worst mistake of my life#loop is still cat shaped here but i’ve seen the idea of them changing species thrown around. much to think about#i like the idea of the party seeing sif and loop side by side and immediately clocking their entire deal#the change god is mew btw. very important information to no one but myself#eurasie as hisuian zoroark?? lots of hair. and the king can be darkrai#don’t mind the inconsistencies. me and my 2781 ways of drawing the same character#wait what does an eevee look like again. googles it. oh i really crabbed this one up#uhh. looks around. been sitting on this one for a bit too long i think. maybe ill clean up some more sketches later
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have a transparent Loop because I actually put efford into this one out of allllll the sprites I did today just because.
#fanart#my art#artists on tumblr#isat loop#loop#isat#in stars and time#isat fanart#I just CAN'T draw them without rendering everythingggg#also I literally took on myself to write a game (not like SUPER HARD one just a visual novel type) in just this night#because... well it was a class assignment but like it wasn't SPECIFICALLY told to do this#but I can draw and I can code basic things#so it was a match made in heaven and stuff#also it's like a pair project because I didn't do the writing on my own#coding and drawing yes tho#it was a cool challenge for myself and I feel how I grew#but god#i'm super tired#and I'm still not done with Loop sprites for this silly crossover thing
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sanji learns a new word
#zosan#one piece#sanji#zoro#roronoa zoro#vinsmoke sanji#myart#oh god i just realized i hope people can read this. if it doesn't get notes ill type it out damnit and reupload#this ones kind of shitty dont look too hard . im so mad i oculdnt write a good zoro line for the second panel dont look at me
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ARCANE LEAGUE OF LEGENDS: 1x08 - "Oil and Water"
#arcaneedit#netflixedit#animationedit#arcane vi#arcane#vi#arcane league of legends#league of legends arcane#vi arcane#media: arcane#type: gif#s1 ep8#testing my upscaled 4k arcane videos#god its kinda hard to splice the videos skdjfksf idk if im making all my gifs using the 4k base bc it takes too long to do ngl#but 4k is so much better for gifs ugh#i'll just experiment for a while#the coloring is so bad skdjksdf but its 3am and i am tired
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What if gege wasn't a coward?/jk
I honestly just saw this and couldn't stop thinking about it.
#god anatomy is so hard#i wanted to add toji's worm but it would cover her entire body and i couldn't allow that#not after everything i went through to make it look good#i was going to draw her with a much wider waist#similar to the body type of female wrestling fighters#but damn have you seen the waist that toji normally has?#i haven't thought much about her backstory sorry#i don't think it's that different tho#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk toji#toji fushiguro#fushiguro toji#kong shiu#shiu kong#shiutoji#tojishiu#fem toji#jjk shiu#megumi fushiguro#fushiguro megumi#jjk megumi
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so um, I did it lol
I made them a thing lol and you can get some here
They're preorder rn and I already have 9, I need someone to buy like, 6 more to make some of each character so pls share. Preorders get a bonus lil guy sticker
#twisted wonderland#i love them#twst fanart#lil guys#idia shroud#azul ashengrotto#friend shaped#little guy#very cute#starjuice#the best merch ever probably#you should def check it out#you know you want to#go my room is freezing an it's so hard to type#but i'm gods lil soldier#we prevail#probably#anyways
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tiny.
#persona 5#oh my god. I will tag them all later.#i really regret not making the file bigger. but in my defense#i did not think i was going to color them AT ALL#so i gotta deal#so glad i finally got this done. i wanted some cheebs to use as a point of reference for my relationship chart#(romantic but MOSTLY platonic)#and at some point i was like. hey#i actually DONT have a color palette reference for most of them#so. here they are. lol.#really love how haru and ryuji came out heehee#its like. 8:30 for me as of typing this (and drafting it)#so im not doing the chart today. but i am just glad i got the hard part done <3#akira#ryuji#ann#shiho#mishima#yusuke#futaba#makoto#haru#goro#i WOULD do the full name to get them in popular tags#but then id have to decide WHO was going in the first 5 tags. and thats too much work#and i dont rlly care to add character tags to something like this. its almost misleading LOL
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Suicidal Ideation Sunday (advance)
#sketchbook#ink#drawing#eldritch angel#marker#god it is hard to type with the cat between me and the keyboard My vær så snill baby jeg trenger å#my art#lille venn...
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