#<- feeling quite deranged

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

HHHHHHHHH i need to write 45k of this so baaaaad

yes I’m thinking about the concept of sonic being the hero and people knowing they can always rely on them but before they get it in their heads that he needs help too he makes sure to act like an overconfident egotistical jerk to show them just how much he cares about himself so they don’t have to. they start to ask him how he is until he smirks and says he’s the best ever and they roll their eyes and cross their arms and huff about how it turns out that selfless hero is a little bit insufferable. that way no one can ever see how long he stares up at the ceiling blankly when he’s lounging in his hammock they’re too annoyed at him for lazing about all day to check on why he hasn’t smiled in thirty days when no one is looking

[starry-bi-sky]

on a completely separate note; shizun luo binghe with a disciple shen yuan who fell into the abyss??? *thinks about LBH canonically stealing SQQ's corpse for 5 years* he'd hallucinate i think. like, like visual and audial hallucinations.

Keeps thinking he's seeing SQQ in the corner of his eyes, or wandering between the trees, amongst a group of disciples. Thinks he hears him calling for him, but its just the wind or another disciple.

Gets Xiu Ya reforged but patently fucking refuses to make a sword mound. Because his disciple Is Not Dead :))) There was No Body. He's Not Dead. And If You keep Insisting That He Is, He's Gonna Skewer You :). He's holding onto Xiu Ya so he can return his most favored disciple's sword when he returns. It's on his hip right next to Zheng Yang where it's supposed to be.

Also this motherfucker?? does not sleep btw. He has the image of SQQ, wide eyed and hysterical and standing at the mouth of the abyss burned into his fucking eyelids. Can't use the dreamscape to escape it either because he keeps trying to save him and either he does and it's an incredibly cruel trick to wake up to, or he doesn't and he gets his heart broken in several different pieces again.

There is no convincing this man that Shen Qingqiu is dead. Absolutely nothing at all. He is buried so deep in denial that moles would be jealous of how deep he is. He keeps making tea for two in the bamboo house only to remember that it's just him. SQQ's fans are hiding everywhere, little reminders of his presence. He goes to wake up SQQ on the mornings he sleeps in-- only to find the room empty.

[vaguely-concerned]

To the ‘themes I am picking up on in Veilguard’ list, let's go ahead and add what I have a sneaking suspicion will actually turn out to be The theme:

— the world has changed and can never be as it was again.

— I have been changed and can never be who I was again.

— in this simple unavoidable truth there is endless grief and endless hope.

And I… may be getting a bit emotional about it haha. Let me show my work a bit: 

if da:o is a game about people who are already dead or half ghosts in some form (through societal forces, psychologically, functionally, literally, in body, through the joining etc.) coming together anyway to save the world from being swallowed by total nihilism and despair (symbolized by the blight) through the power of love and friendship and also this sword/potential heroic sacrifice that I found, da2 is a game about people who have lost their homes and been set adrift finding and building new homes in each other (while completely failing to save the world. also through the power of love and friendship. as well as years of petty bickering <3 we must imagine kirkwall if not happy then worth having been because the love was there the love was there and that's the only sanctifying force we can ever have in this doomed world and city of ours), and da:i is a game about old stabilizing-but-unjust comfortable lies vs. disruptive but potentially liberating uncomfortable truths, and the power of friendship to help us distinguish the one from the other and navigate through them...

folks… I'm starting to think that veilguard might be a game specifically about moving towards recovery and acceptance after trauma — about how even in this flawed, severed, scarred state, what is here right now is worth loving and worth caring for. even in an imperfect and impermanent world and self, there is worth and joy. and of course the first real tragedy — and threat — of Solas is that he just cannot find it in himself to accept this and move on, to let go of what was, the regret won’t let him go or he won’t let go of it. which means that even though on the surface it’s Elgar’nan and Ghilan’nain (and the will to subjugate and violate they represent) who are the main villains, the real antagonistic force in this story beneath that is the Dread Wolf’s despair. A despair Rook must make an answer to by the end of the game, one way or another, compassionately or with righteous fury, triumphant or pyrrhic.

The world will change again and again and so will you — BUT the crucial element is that so will everyone else who exists along with you, you are fundamentally not alone in this existential truth. all we’ll ever have is each other and my god that is plenty, my god that is enough!!! Which is the second thing Solas just can’t accept, he keeps himself separate and completely alone out of an awful mix of fear and pride and feeling himself unworthy of anything else. Rook and the player want to save the world of Thedas because it’s where everyone we love lives, Solas wants to go back to the past because that’s the only neighbourhood where he can still visit those he loved — and the person he himself was, before. A very sympathetic and human instinct/trap to fall into when touched by trauma, I think, if only it wasn’t backed by godlike power, a fundamentally oppositional personality, and a catastrophic lack of therapy to make it literally everyone else’s problem too lol. It’s varric and solas’ banter about the man on the island and where meaning in a life comes from all over again, writ large and with detail work — and the added idea of ‘what if there are also other islands out there, though. With other people on them that you could find if you reach for each other’. Rook with the best of intentions has to make choices to which there are no perfect outcomes and live with what happens — and not cut themselves off from everyone else around them even when there is regret or shame. You get back up every day and you make a life with other people doing the same and you do your best, and that’s the only victory this world will give you. In the end, that is more than enough, that is essential. And I um. I love that. So much. It’s why some of the writing clumsiness on top can’t hurt me because this thematic spine is so solid and so beautiful to me. It’s DA2 all over again that way for me personally — I forgive this story for what it isn’t and couldn’t be, and I love it with my whole stupid open heart for what it actually is. Thank you for coming to my TED-talk and goodbye etc.      

(For my fellow TLT heads out there — you know what this story is reminding me of most of all, actually? It has some big Nona the Ninth vibes down there in the deep. It’s about… the horror and unspeakable beauty that can only be found in liminality, and the role of love in making that basic fact of existence bearable. And also even more unbearable at the same time. I'm so sorry.)

[peninkwrites]

Remember that you have to try.

Screenshots of despair + Sad-ist

[iamthepulta]

*crawls onto dash like an axolotl*

i- i am alone. back home. writing time.

[lostacelonnie]

18, 19, 24 + KIRA!!!!!!! - lee :3

HII HI HI LEE THANK YOU SO SO MUCH

[ask game]

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

okay so i could go about this for HOURSSSS but kira and bianka's mentor/mentee relationship genuinely makes me want to eat bricks in the best possible way. oh so like okay kira probably held bianka as a baby and doesn't even know it until like. what. 5 years after their meeting in the dudu vn. and also during one of their first convos kira says that bianka "really knows how to encourage others, just like cecilia". and also the Bond between someone who comes from earth but after the second eruption was away from it for so long that she no longer really recognizes it, and someone who had all their memories wiped, any "inherent tie" she might've had to the world around her severed, and had to build her connection to it all by herself. and also the duty of a valkyrie vs the duty of an idol as expressed in the vn in this specific dialogue:

Kira: Idols are angels meant to convey love, and only a heart with the desire of "reaching the top" can carry such a heavy task. Kira: She needs to become the person that everyone needs. Kira: She needs to fight against her own shortcomings, immaturity, selfishness and prejudice. Kira: And more than that, in order to convey true love in the hearts of others she must be like an unbreakable diamond, shining forever. Bianka: ...How can someone do that? People can get hurt at any time! Kira: Even lions get hurt, but they don't let themselves be seen licking their wounds. Kira: Because a lion is a lion.

like do you GET me. obviously this is a part of schicksal rhetoric that kira herself is a victim of [do not get me started on kira's savior complex i will Not stop talking] but it's also one of the first GENUINE, not schicksal-arranged role models bianka had in her life. kira was a valkyrie, sure, but she has Seen Shit and persevered and i think tiny bian needed to meet someone like that. okay hold on im rambling lets move onnnnn ^-^

19. How about a relationship they have in canon that you don't like?

im gonna be entirely honest i cant think of anything.... though there Are a couple i would've liked to get more. Elaboration on. specifically:

1. human niggurath. i wonder if they were close. i mean like, yeah they WERE close because all of the snowwolves were close with each other but i wanna know more about these 2 specifically!! in 2e we get much more of a focus on niggurath's relationship with salome [which is delicious do not get me wrong] but i wonder what it was like between her and kira, with brown sugar's later bodyhopping i mean. speaking of which i wonder how naturally similar to niggurath brown sugar is.... cause like, we know that she continued using her previous host's name and form because thats how kira referred to her but i wonder how much of it is genuine and how much of it is "wearing a red shirt at walmart" type of situation. because in my mind it could be either that a) shub and brown sugar are really just that alike by themselves, b) brown sugar kind of melded shub's personality with her own when she lived in her body, or c) she only developed that after being with kira. which. i believe the latter is the closest to canon since in dudu vn kira mentions brown sugar not being entirely Sentient (yet?). which. has implications. yes im psychoanalyzing her comic relief alien best friend dont even worry about it

2. siegfried but SPECIFICALLY post-sshc arc. because yeah yeah we know that before 2e she fucking DESPISED him [which btw i find hysterically funny. never stop being a hater] and while ik that she has Not improved her opinion after that it still must be. strange. like oh okay theyre one of the only people who remember cecilia for who she was. and the snowwolves for who they were. and they were both away from their home universe for most of the time between 2e and sshc. like that must fuck you up. but at the same time its also "i miss my wife" "i miss your wife too"

3. THE WOMAN THE LEGENDARY LADY CECILIA SCHARIAC HERSELF. jesus christ every time i think about kira and cecilias relationship i want to jump into the ocean never to be seen again. kira loved her sooooo so much but also she loved her before cecilia met siegfried. it had to be jarring to see her become suddenly so. happy. but she loved her in a very idealized way, i think? to me at least its very obvious it couldnt Ever have been mutual simply because kira never quite managed to get as close to cecilia as such a relationship would require... in the end, she was just. her fan. cecilia was her friend, yes, but she was also that shining star in the distance that marked kira's way, that drove her to become a valkyrie and an idol... which is another topic in on itself because. kira is prickly! kira isnt the type of person who finds it easy to be that perfect idol, thats all a conscious effort!! but i digress. kira loved cecilia in the way that she adored her, but then suddenly cecilia was gone and the snowwolves were gone and kira had to find her own way in the dark. which is also why i think it could be such a fun thing to explore her dynamic with miste[I AM SUDDENLY AND REPEATEDLY SHOT. MY CORPSE IS DRAGGED AWAY AND THROWN OFF A BRIDGE.]

24. What other character from another fandom of yours that reminds you of them?

OH UHM I DONT KNOW ACTUALLY. i find it that pretty often with hi3rd chars specifically, i have a lot of trouble finding characters that really "remind" me of them from other media simply because each and every one has a string of such strangely specific mental problems that even if at first glance two characters appear similar, i think about it for 3 seconds more and decide "never mind actually" so. im sorry but i actually cant think of anything 😭😭

[skitskatdacat63]

Renault Nando collages I made the other month 😌

[dayurno]

[phlyaros]

the amount of work transmeds n sysmeds n terfs will put in to ensure theyre miserable and alone forever is crazy. i guess when the agony is optional perhaps it has more appeal i've definitely contemplated breaking bones just so the pain was different like I understand misery incredibly well just like. man. you could like change and you would probably feel a whole lot better and have more friends and feel more stable????

[zapsoda]

jimmy brings out feelings i have never had for any other fictional character i think this is true love

[blowflyfag]

how the fuck did JBL become a wrestler im obsessed with

[syn0vial]

yesterday, i learned that one of my acquaintances from church is like, gleefully and unreservedly supportive of the gazan genocide despite going to a church where every sermon for the past few weeks has been about the horrors and tragedy of said genocide. like, i could not fucking believe how hilarious he seemed to think it is that innocent palestinians are dying, just grinning and laughing and shaking his head and rolling his eyes when my pastor and i expressed horror at the innocent people being killed. just remembering it makes me choke up with anger.

anyway, i'm going to be very stupid and try to talk to him about it this coming sunday. i'll use all my teacherly tricks to try and gently lead him to feel one single scrap of empathy for the victims of israel's civilian massacre, but lbr: he'll probably respond with the same amount of glee and condescension as last night and it's going to end with me making me a scene at church.

but i know i shouldn't. so here are some things i should NOT say, no matter how angry he makes me:

i've always hated the sound of your voice, even before you said such horrible things. you say everything with such condescension. when you read the gospels in church, i have to hide my face behind my program to hide my grimacing. you make the words of christ himself sound like a grift of some oily used car dealer who thinks he's smarter than he actually is. i pity you for going through life with such a voice, and pity you even more for thinking it charming.

it baffles me that you'd allow something as basically human as compassion for the suffering of others to be so utterly sanded away by propaganda. it's pathetic that you could laugh at innocents dying. you've let yourself be lobotomized by a clumsy surgeon and style yourself wise with the icepick still sticking from your skull.

i've always thought your face looks like an easter island head sculpted from a raw chicken breast.

see? none of those would be productive, no matter how truly they express my feelings about this person.

thus: people of faith, pray that god grants me the wisdom and restraint to not light this motherfucker up in the middle of coffee hour. amen.

[thechaoticrow]

happy Shadow and Bone Season Two Eve! how r we FEELING

[waugh-bao]

It isn't deranged! I love his crow's feet too. You can see wrinkles, but then when he smiles big you can see exactly where those wrinkles came from. I think we should all be happy to have evidence that we have smiled a lot.

My own deranged take is that I love his adam's apple. His neck and throat do it for me whether its baby Charlie or 90s Charlie and then the adam's apple bobbing around when he talks. Do I usually notice that in men? No. But for some reason with Charlie...

Well, now I've embarrassed myself but I'm still going to hit that ask button!

[relicsongmel]

The absolute audacity of one of my coworkers to imply that eating gluten causes autism within earshot of THREE autistic people including me. Neurotypicals will really just say shit huh

[skitskatdacat63]

okay but Fernando IS kind of napoleon coded the minute I saw that I was like you are so right. is it the demonic short king energy??? what is it???

You guys are not prepared for the deranged Fernando-Napoleon web weaving post I'm inevitably going to make. Or should I say...Nandopoleon Alonsoparte.

No, because seriously there are way too many parallels and similarities, it's kind of insane. I was comparing quotes from s1e1 of Fernando, where his friends/family/himself are basically giving testimonials as to what he's like, to quotes from the personality/image section of Napoleon's wiki....theres so much that's practically verbatim. Just as people, as well as how they chose/choose to present themselves on a greater scale, I think is very similar. Their personality traits, their mindsets, their motivations, their goals and ways they go about obtaining that, all very similar imo.

But please, come and join me and @sweatyflytrap in the Nandopoleon brainrot, it's very disconcerting to me how well it fits!