#i am not his targeted demographic but he is so funny to me

[blowflyfag]

how the fuck did JBL become a wrestler im obsessed with

[thealexanderfiles]

DCU from a Marvel fans limited perspective

recently i've accidently been sucked into the DCU universe, mostly Bat family, if i'm being honest, and although i've never watched a single movie/episode, this is what i have gathered from purely reading the occasional fanfiction/lots of tumblr posts

SPOILERS i guess

There are A LOT of batkids

Bruce Wayne adopts these motherfuckers like they're some kind of limited edition pokemon set

no one is actually sure how many there are but if you have black hair and blue eyes and live in gotham, Batman doesn't care if you've got parents or not. you're coming home with him

There appears to be five Robins and Batman goes though these children like a chainsmoker with a pack of cigarettes

people die a lot

Thats okay though because people come back to life a concerning amount as well

Jason Todd died and came back to life by being dumped in a pit of magical water

Damien Wayne is the only biological child of Bruce and he mentions this a lot

Dick Greyson was the first Robin and the first adoption and i think he and Bruce got in a fight and he left to become Nightwing

Jason Todd stole the Batmobile's wheels and became the second Robin. after he came back to life he became Red Hood

Tim Drake was not an orphan, he just fit Bruce's target demographic and was conveniently close (I mean come on, it's like express shipping) He is also some kind of super-genius. He was the third Robin but became Red Robin/Drake

Stephanie brown(?) was the fourth robin(?), not sure for how long. People get upset when other people forget. I think she's called Spoiler or something

Damien Wayne is the final Robin. Hes this assassins son and im pretty sure Talia dropped him off at the Wayne Manor and said, "I had him through the terrible twos, you get the teen years'

Not entirely sure if Tim runs Wayne enterprises

Brucie wayne is the funniest fucking thing i swear

He's so stupid

not sure is Tim, Dick and Jason follow Bruce's lead and become absolute airheads as well

Alfred is a butler

Alfred has guns

There's someone called Duke and Cass knocking around

The Justice League think Batman works alone

someone in the JL is allergic to the colour yellow

there is a concerning amount of Danny Phantom x DC crossover fics

sames goes for Miraculous

Tim Drake is Bi and for some reason people don't like that

internet is divided on whether of not Batman is a bad dad

#OnlyInGotham is a thing?

Gotham is like an australian NYC

the Riddler is a not funny, less aggressive version of the Joker

apparently Alcatraz and Arkham are different prisons but thats on me

there's a whole group of superheroes out there, each have strong powers and they decide to leave the most dangerous city to the member that has no powers and dresses up as an anthropomorphic bat and runs around the city causing copious amounts of property damage with his children

there is a girl called barbra? Gordon

there is a criminally small amount of content for the girls

for some reason people ship the bat kids together, ike, anytime you have to remind yourself 'its TECHNICALLY not incest is Not Good'

Clark Kent is running round acting as if his reading glasses are the only thing standing between a normal life and CHAOS and the worst thing is that he is right

i am a MCU fan and i was SO sure that Deadpool was MCU but now i'm not so sure

Fandom likes to have this troupe that Bruce wayne doesn't believe batman exists when obviously the superior troupe is that Gotham is pretty sure they are exes

teen titans and young justice are a thing but i cant figure out which robin is who.

Damien Wayne has enough animals to open a zoo

who tf in the batfam are metas?????

Batman has definetely used the Tired Dad voice on villains and the Brucie Wayne voice on the JL

Bruce Wayne has contingency plans if someone discovers his contingency plans

THERES A PLACE CALLED THE FUCKING BAT BURGER???????

it took 2 robins until batman realized that a small child running around in a vest top and speedos was not the greatest idea

Someone needs to tell me, like right now what's going on, where to start and what to read. bc rn im LIVING on chaotic fics

[jmdbjk]

Yep, its time for...

The Weekly Bangtan Report. It will be a short one.

Hobi and Hope on the Streets (HOTS)!!!

So there are these QR codes showing up all over Seoul:

One enterprising investigator Army visited one of the locations and was told by the cafe owner that yep, they were contacted and told a pop-up event would happen this month!

And I keep forgetting, we're not only getting a mini album of songs but we're getting a documentary series at the end of the month!

Hobi looks so happy in this and I can't wait to watch!

Ok, moving on...

For a minute there, SimInvest had us going, am I right?

The tease was "V's bestest friend who's name begins with a "J" will be joining him." This was their website:

Cue the solos, mantis and anyone else being stupid... and it ends up being Jackie Chan!

Not Jimin, not Jungkook. Sorry Vmin-ers and cultists.

But can I tell you I fell off the couch laughing my ass off?

WHO WOULDA THUNK THAT JACKIE CHAN IS TAE'S BESTIE????

Not I.

I know, they are probably besties only for this promotion but whatever. It's funny as shit.

I had always thought Tae's deal with this investment company was an interesting choice for him. This company's target market would skew to older males who have money to invest. It is also based in Indonesia. With Tae involved, he might attract a younger demographic as well as female clientele.

When I first learned of this partnership it made me strongly believe he is creating an awareness in this demographic for the purpose of already being a familiar name when he returns from MS and starts doing TV drama acting gigs. That's my best guess. I dont' know though, the fact it is based in Indonesia ... anyway.

Next up: Jungkookie! makes a brief appearance in The Kid Laroi's documentary... which of course probably means The Kid will be in JK's documentary along with everyone else JK's worked with since 2022 or 2023.

And Namjoon actually being in the military band has been more or less confirmed by him because of the pic he posted on his Instagram stories of he and his fellow soldiers. He tagged them and if you look at their accounts, they are indeed involved in the military band. I need Joon to explain to us what other music instruments he can play.

In other news, Lee Soo Man, former CEO of SM Entertainment has stated he will or has sold his remaining SM stock to Hybe giving Hybe an over 12.5% stake in SM Entertainment. That reality K-drama is ongoing.

All that other total motherfuckery going on at the former bird app can just die and go to hell including that bogus top 100 kpop artists ranking from Billoboard.

I will leave you with this closing thought:

[eazy-peazy54]

ugh THANK YOU for making that will wood fandom post. okay this ask is gonna be super long and i’m really sorry to vent in your inbox but anyway. i heard about will on tumblr several years ago right after the normal album dropped but before he “blew up” (using that term loosely lol) and i’ve steadily watched his fanbase become more and more unbearable. for context i’m in my mid 20s, so unfortunately quite a bit older than a large portion of his current fans.

it’s really disappointing to me to see how strangely and unhealthily young people interact with media they like. i won’t waste time reiterating what you already said very well, but i will add something about the opposite end of the weird fan spectrum. so you basically called out some of the very public manic obsession that his younger fans display, but then there’s the other fans who do literally the opposite (to an obnoxious degree) where they say he’s literally just some guy etc. and like. i’m totally on board with the just some guy movement like yes let’s please acknowledge that artists are just people who happen to create something that you enjoy (especially small artists like will who aren’t even “famous” like he’s a niche indie artist that gained some recognition for a viral song but there are some kids out here treating him like a c-list celebrity like??) HOWEVER i do not understand why they have to act like any sort of emotional attachment to him or his work is toxic fan behavior. there’s absolutely no balance and it’s exhausting.

i personally feel like i and some of his older fans (older in age and duration i.e. mid 20s and/or been a fan since before early-mid 2021? i feel like that’s when he went viral) naturally engage in a more sane way. i personally am incredibly attached to his music, it means a lot to me, i listen to it a ton, and i also enjoy will as a person; i very much admire the brain, the mind, the person behind the art. i think he’s funny, intelligent, interesting, not to mention one of the most talented musicians / artists in general that i’ve ever come across. i like listening to him in interviews and on his podcast. and i think i manage all of that in a healthy and respectful way. i don’t think it’s difficult. but for some reason there are some fans who probably wouldn’t like the second part of that. they take “separate the art from the artist” way too far. “Do Not Have An Opinion About This Human You Perv”. it’s annoying. calling him pretty or attractive or whatever also gets met with some very weird reactions. “HE’S JUST A GUY” yes most of us are, in fact, just a guy™️ (gender neutral). saying he’s cute is not sexual harassment.

another thing that actually pisses me off so much is these fans describing and categorizing him based on their and their mutuals very specific demographic. “white teenage transmasc audhd neurodivergent mentally ill queer etc. etc. etc.” music. that is such a limited and myopic generalization. first of all, he had fans way before you, your age group is not his target demographic, nor is it his core demographic, on top of that he’s explicitly stated he doesn’t want people your age listening to him. he’s not for you. second, it absolutely makes sense that mentally ill people gravitate towards him given that he himself is severely mentally ill, so this part of the description pisses me off the least, but still, he’s also a recovering/recovered alcoholic, but i don’t see people saying he makes music for addicts? idk.

next is the queer bit. yeah gay people like him. i get it. he’s a queer safe space and that’s cool and i appreciate it but i feel like it’s still narrowing the categorization. he also has a lot of neurodivergent fans and i understand why. i think my main issue is just a combination of all of these very specific descriptors you know? like yeah he has fans that fit all of this but when you lump all of it together to describe his music and the entirety of his fandom then it becomes too much. whatever. anyway. the one that makes me the most mad is the white thing. i hate it when music that isn’t inherently racial is divided by race. it’s alienating and divisive and exclusionary and unnecessary. there are plenty of fans of color and there would probably be even more if some of y’all didn’t insist on generalizing his music based on your own limited experience. i think that’s sort of a microcosm of what a lot of poc talk about on here, about being shoved out of fandom spaces? like imagine you’re an adult queer black guy and you keep hearing about this will wood person who makes really cool music so you go to give it a try and find a bunch of 14yos calling him white preteen transmasc music. super off putting. even as someone who actually does fall into a couple (not all) of the demographics they talk about i know i would absolutely not be a fan now if i’d discovered him later than i did. which makes me sad. anyway. sorry this is definitely getting very long and rambly so i’m sorry about that i just have a lot of opinions about this fanbase.

oh my god this put everything i missed into words THANK YOU 😭

I completely agree with everything you just said!!! Honestly the whole big point with my essay was to just say "hey guys, don't be weird about this, and be respectful because there is a real person behind the screen!"

everyone who goes too far with the "HES JUST A GUY" thing isn't helping. its like. yeah, hes just a guy, but that doesn't mean i cant have any sort of attachment to his music whatsoever??? some people's idea of treating people like real people is really just treating them worse than how they were being treated before 😭

The people who are policing the fandom too much aren't helping either, its getting really exhausting to keep seeing posts saying "oh he looks really good in this photo!" and seeing like 200 replies being like "STOP SEXUALIZING YOU CREEP!!!!" (although there are people who actually do sexualize him, (which is really gross and weird) but i digress,)

music based fandoms are usually very,,, eh.. but honestly most of the fandom isn't bad, its just the people who take things to the extremes (in both directions) who are kind of making it a bit more awkward.

i think the fandom, and his music as a whole shouldn't just be narrowed down to "gay neurodivergent weirdo music," but it should just be like. "music for cool people" or hell, just fuckin "music"

[moonxpalace]

How do you feel about Ash's characterization in BW? It's widely regarded as him being at his absolute worst, which I do agree with. Like from OS to the end of DP, we see Ash grow as a character only for all that growth and development to be thrown out the window with BW and is actually very incompetent in various ways. The Elesa gym episode is basically the encapsulation of BW Ash's problem, honestly.

Yeah, I am aware of this

But honestly? I don't mind it that much. What weighs up for me is the characters in this saga and their chemistry, the rivals, fun plot, silly jokes and overall atmosphere. The characters were so rich of personality and it quickly became a comfort show for me that I can revisit whenever I feel down.

Indeed Ash's characterization developed over Os -> Dp, and then it felt like he started from A again in BW, which was a choice made by the writers to introduce a new bunch of kids to Pokemon. I understand and accept that I'm not part of the target demographic anymore, which is why this "reset" doesn't bother me.

Then again, I've always cared more about the pokemon and the trainers than battles. Battles are fun, but I won't care about them if I don't care about the characters.

I can definitely understand why people dislike BW Ash! To me, though, I don't find him the worst. He has other qualities, like he's not as hot headed (he matured a bit??), and he's overall still the funny, silly, and kindhearted guy we all know.

This all boils down to personal preference, though! Some people hated this, some like it, and other's don't mind

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

Beauty is in the Eye of the Bow-holder

2018 31 Days of Ficmas, day 14 - bows

@doctorroseprompts

31 Days of Ficmas masterlist

Summary: A random customer on a cold day makes a big purchase for his daughter - and they both gain so much more than the sought-after hairbows.

Rated T for language and some innuendo

AO3

---

The tinkling of the bell in concert with a gust of frigid air made Rose look up from her spot behind the counter.  A man hurried in, and oh, he’s fit had scarcely crossed her mind when she saw he was accompanied by a small girl; any remaining hope died as she squealed, “Daddy, daddy, look!”

Figures.  How come I only meet cute blokes when they’re almost always married with kids?  Nature of the beast, I suppose, but still.

She dragged him by the hand towards the back wall of the shop, where the assorted hair accessories were displayed.  “Look how pretty!” she enthused, going straight to the set of hair bows.  About seven, with dark hair and eyes, she was the target demographic for those bows; Rose must have sold at least a dozen that week alone to similarly aged girls.

“Very nice,” the father agreed mildly, adjusting his own bowtie.  “A deal’s a deal.  Which one do you want?”

Seeing that they weren’t just there to look, Rose came out from behind the counter.  “Welcome to Bows Galore & More!  I’m Rose.  How can I help you?”

“Hello,” the man responded perfunctorily, then did a double take.  “Hello.”

“Hello,” Rose smiled back, letting her tongue catch between her teeth; she didn’t go for married men, but certainly wasn’t above a bit of flirting – it usually resulted in an extra sale, and was always fun.  When he didn’t say anything else she raised her eyebrows; a glance down at the girl showed her preoccupied with the selection.  “Can I help you?”

He came back to life, adjusting his bow tie and coughing.  “Yes!  Hi.  Hello.  How are you?  Ow.”  He looked down at his daughter.  “Did you just kick me?”

Wise beyond her years, the girl shook her head.  “I’m Susan, this is Daddy.  John.  He gets weird when he talks to pretty girls.  Can you focus, please?”

Rose and the man- John- both turned red.

“Yes, my love, of course,” he recovered first.  “Erm, tomorrow’s picture day, and we’ve got to have one of these for it.  She’s been talking about them since term started.”

“They’re so pretty, and all the popular girls have one.  I had to get top marks on my maths test to have one, and I did!”

Rose crouched down to be more at eye level with Susan and the bows.  “Congratulations!  I always struggled with Maths, so sounds like you well earned it.”

Susan nodded fiercely.  “I worked soooo hard.  Now I get to have my bow, so I can be beautiful!”

“Hey, hey, you are beautiful, just the way you are,” her father chided, squatting as well.  “Can you say that for me?”

“I’m beautiful just the way I am,” she repeated dutifully.  “But see how much beautifuller I am with one of these!”  And she jammed on a headband full of bejeweled bows; it ended up at a funny angle, but it didn’t seem to bother her as she inspected herself in the mirror.  “So more beautifuller.”

Both adults straightened up, him groaning before giving her a wry smile.  “It’s a work in progress.”

Rose just laughed, shaking her head.  “Blimey, wish I had her confidence- now, let alone at her age!”

“Why?  You’re gorgeous.”

They stared at each other, Rose almost taken aback at how matter-of-factly he’d said it.

“I’m sorry, that was completely inappropriate.  True, but still… Susan, have you decided yet?”  He rubbed at the back of his neck, cheeks pink, and it was a damn shame he was almost certainly married; Rose wanted to see how far the flush went.

Get yourself together.  Kneeling on the floor for better balance, she bit back a laugh; Susan had continued her sampling, but rather than take one off and try a new one, she’d continued to stick the bows in her hair, nearly covering her head.  “Well, they all look great, but maybe you should try to match your outfit?  What color shirt are you wearing for picture day?”

“Pink!” was the unsurprising reply; besides being what Rose sold the most of, nearly all of the bows Susan wore were some shade of it.  “It’s my favorite.”

“Mine too!  What shade is your shirt?”

Susan gave her a blank look.

Badly disguising his laughter as a cough, the man- John- pointed to a blush shade.  “Like that?”

“No, Daddy,” she shook her head, bows wobbling precariously.

“Oh, okay.  More like that?”  Rather than move more into the pinks he went the other way, pointing to a peach color.

Susan heaved a sigh that seemed too big for her little body, making a face at Rose.  “He thinks he’s funny.”

“Oi!  Am too funny.”

“Funny looking.”

Rose couldn’t help but giggle, both at the deadpan delivery and his offended expression.

“Seven going on seventeen,” he muttered.  “God help me.  Now, quit mouthing off if you want your prize and pick something out; we’re late for Mummy.”

Why are the good ones always happily married?

“I have to look pretty for Mummy,” Susan said firmly, trying on a few different ones.  “But she’s not gonna even know.”  A fuchsia-colored headband seemed to be the winner as she tried it on a third time, meeting Rose’s eye in the mirror.  “Mummy’s an angel.  She died ‘cause I was born.”

“When,” her father spoke sharply, kneeling and turning her to face him.  “Mummy died when you were born, not because you were born.  And now she’s your guardian angel.  Okay?”

She nodded.

“Say it, please.”

“Mummy died when I was born.  Don’t see how that’s different, though.”  She looked up at Rose.  “What’s this one called?”

“Fuchsia.”

The little girl beamed.  “That was Mummy’s favorite, right?”

Looking like he wanted to continue the when/because conversation, he nonetheless let it go.  “It was.  You look very pretty.  Is this the one?”

“It’s the color,” she corrected.  “Now I gotta pick the- what’s it called?”

“Style?”

“That’s it!”

-

Twenty minutes later Rose finally checked them out; one of each style, all fuchsia.  The girl was a proper chatterbox, and Rose now knew everything about her, from favorite food (fish sticks and custard), subjects in school (maths and science) to friends in school, though she got the sense the last list was embellished.

Pulling out his wallet as he watched his daughter explore the rhinestone tiaras, he cleared his throat.  “Uh, sorry.  We’re still working on what’s appropriate to tell complete strangers.”

“She’s precious,” Rose said sincerely.  “I loved chatting with her.  And, erm, sorry for your loss.”

“Thanks.  It’s not easy, but… she’s worth it.  And it’s been years, now.”

Rose shook her head.  “Doesn’t really matter.  I was a baby when my dad died – not a day goes by I don’t think about him.”  She grimaced.  “Sorry, that was probably the opposite of helpful.”

“Eh,” he shrugged.  “It’s hard to miss someone you never knew.  Just have other peoples’ memories to lean on.”

They watched together as Susan held a pair of earrings up to her ear, and he gave a full body shudder.  “God, she’s going to be a teenager any second, and I am not ready.”

Laughing, Rose said, “She might already be; but she’ll be fine, and you’ll get through it, reasonably in one piece.”

He smiled, and her treacherous heart thumped.  Just ‘cause he’s a widow doesn’t mean he’s available.  “Right, munchkin, time to go,” he announced, gathering the gift bag with their purchases.  “Thank you for your help, Rose.”

“Thanks, Rose!”

Thump thump thump.  “Thanks for coming in.  If you’re ever passing by, stop in and let me know how picture day goes!”

She waved goodbye as they left, Susan contorting herself around to wave until they were out of sight.

“Cute kid.”  Rose sighed.  “Hot dad.”

-

Chewing his pizza, John watched his daughter.  She was picking at her food more than eating it, and he wondered yet again whether their ritual of Tuesday pizza graveside was healthy for her.  River would know.  “You know, munchkin, you can always talk to me.  About anything you’re thinking, or feeling.  Any questions.  I’m always here for you.”

Her lower lip caught between her teeth, Susan lowed her slice back to the plate, toying with her napkin.  “I do have a question.”

“Shoot.”

She looked up.  “D’you think if you and Rose got married I could get free hairbows?”

The fuck?  “Wha- the girl from the bow store?”

“Uh huh.”  Her dark ponytail bobbed.  “She was pretty, and she liked you.  You liked her too.  You’d have pretty babies.”

John pinched himself, certain he’d fallen down a rabbit hole.  “You think the pretty girl from the store and I should get married and have babies?  So that you can get free hairbows?”  His voice got progressively higher pitched, and by the time he was done, she was giggling.

Jaw hanging, he didn’t know where to start, spluttering for a long moment (to further laugher), before managing, “What makes you think either of us would like that?”

“She’s pretty, and nice, and she kept looking at your bum and smiling.  I bet she’d kiss you if you asked nicely.”

Forget seventeen, I’ve got a matchmaking grandmother over here!  He looked at the headstone next to him.  “What do you think?  Do you hear what your daughter is saying?"

“You always say Mummy would want us to be happy,” Susan pointed out logically.  “That we should remember her and honor her, but we have to keep moving with our lives.  Don’t you want to be happy, Daddy?”

That was a path he wanted no part of, so he circled back.  “Okay, let’s say she did like me.  What makes you think I like her?”

A smile so like River’s it made his breath catch stole over Susan’s face; like he’d stumbled into her trap and she held the upper hand.  “’Cause if you didn’t, you’d’a just said not happening and changed the subject.  Tha’s what you usually do.  You liiiike her.  You wanna kisss her,” she taunted.  “Can I be the flower girl?”

With no good retort, and blown away at the conversation, all he could manage was, “Eat your pizza, Susan.”

Her little smirk said she wasn’t fooled, but she took an oversized bit all the same.

-

It would be a lie to say she’d forgotten the little family, but it took her a week to stop looking up with hope every time the bell chimed, only to be disappointed it wasn’t them.

Oh, come on, Rose groaned, when the bell tinkled.  Five more minutes and I can go home to a bottle of wine.

“One second,” she called, straightening up her paperwork before stepping back out onto the shop floor.  “How can I- Susan!  Hi!”

The pair were standing in front of the register, Susan in a dress, while John tugged at his bowtie.

“See?” the little girl said smugly to her father, making him sigh and shake his head.

“Proves nothing.”

“Don’t be a coward.”

Rose snorted, though their conversation went past her.  “Don’t you both look nice and dressed up.  Going out?  How did picture day go?”

Susan looked up at him with an expectant expression, and it was amusing to watch the contortions his face went through.

“If you don’t like this idea, blame Susan,” he started off.  “We- ow, stop kicking me!”  Susan won the exchange of glares, so he cleared his throat and started again.  “I was wondering if you might be interested in hearing about it over dinner.  With us.  Both of us.  We’re kind of- well not kind of, we are- a package deal.”

Two anxious faces looked at Rose, and she took a moment to compose her thoughts, though a smile was threatening to overtake her face.  “Is this a date?”

He said no while Susan said yes, and the withering look coming from the seven-year-old could’ve made a grown man cry.

Rose raised an eyebrow, enjoying the show.  I would definitely like to spend more time with this family.  “Which is it?”

“It can be a date, if that’s what you want,” John said, swallowing nervously.  “Or a friendship thing.”

“What do you want?” she asked gently, watching his face.

“Date!” chirped Susan, earning her an exasperated look from her father.

“Don’t you wanna go see if there’s new bows or something?”

She shook her head.  “Uh uh.  It took me weeeeeks to get you in here!  Hurry uuuuup!  Mooo!  Moooooooo!”

“Moo?”

John rolled his eyes fondly at that.  “Coward – cow – moo.  Coward was the word of the day, and it’s unfortunately her new favorite.  Especially after a trip to Scotland over the summer.”

Rose smiled, tongue catching between her teeth, watching his Adam’s apple bob again.  “I like steak.”

“How’s Italian?  Daddy promised me stuffed shells,” Susan asked, oblivious, but John’s eyes went dark as he caught her meaning.

“Yeah?”

“Susan?  Does Daddy make breakfast?”

“Uh huh!  His waffles are the best.”

Rose and John exchanged a steamy look, and she licked her lips, eyes lingering over him.  “Give me ten minutes to close up.  Italian sounds great.”

“Yay!”

-

Eighteen months later, Susan was allowed to pick out two bows to go with her flower girl dress.

[mzannthropy]

So, Enola Holmes. How do I solve a problem like Enola Holmes?

I have liked Sherlock Holmes stories for years (albeit not to the extent I like Agatha Christie, nor am I the type of expert on Sherlock as I am on Agatha Christie; when it comes to adaptations I've seen some and mostly enjoyed them, some more, like the Granada series, some less, like the BBC Sherlock). I am also a fan of Sam Claflin. When I heard there was going to be a film centred on a young Holmes sister, with Sam as Mycroft, I was, naturally excited. It sounded right up my street, even though I'm not the target demographic. A period drama with a young heroine? As a lover of L.M. Montgomery I'd like that by default. A mystery set in Victorian London? It had all the ingredients. I was not thrilled about it being about a younger sister of Sherlock, but it wasn't a major issue. And Sam was going to be in it!

Then I saw the trailer and felt like someone stabbed me with a knife.

I'm saying this to make it clear that I did not go into it with the intention of hating it. I never do, bc I'm not like that. I give everything a chance, even when everyone else is being negative. "I can't wait to hate on this show", that's not me. Sure, I didn't have to watch it--but I also I had to bc of Sam. So I did and somehow got through it, while fast forwarding parts of the film and yeah, I would have liked it, bc there was a lot about it to like, except that one crucial thing--Sam as Mycroft. Or a character named Mycroft, bc he has nothing whatsoever in common with Mycroft of Arthur Conan Doyle's stories. (Okay, neither have many adaptations, but at least they're not... like that.) Except for the working for the government, and I suspect they kept that bc it suited them, not out of any respect to the Sherlockian canon.

This Mycroft is a ridiculous cartoon villain, with a cartoon villain moustache, cartoon villain hairstyle and cartoon villain lines. Mycroft from the original books is smarter than Sherlock (Sherlock himself says so, read the beginning of Greek Interpreter if you don't believe me), he's just too lazy to actively solve crimes. He founded a club for antisocial men. He created his own position in the government, securing employment for the rest of his life. Enola!Mycroft is none of that. He possesses no skills of observation or deduction. He appears to be a conservative, old fashioned, sexist, all the bad things that the audience will hate him for. Enola, on the other hand, is smarter than both of her brothers. Bc of course she is. And people here ate it all up. So you can see why the film was so upsetting to me.

I like seeing Sam in different roles. I LIKE him playing villains. Heck, one of my most favourite performances of his is Oswald Mosley in Peaky Blinders, a real world fascist. In The Nightingale, he plays an absolute monster and that's one of his best films. I like to see him play three-dimensional, well rounded characters. I'm not interested in watching him in romcoms. You get my point. If Sam's character in Enola was the one she was after, like the culprit of the crime she was solving, I would have been fine with that. If he was, let's say, Moriarty, I would even have welcomed that. If Enola was a character in her own universe, not Sherlock pastiche, and Sam was, for example, her strict uncle, with the same characterisation as this Mycroft, I would have been okay with that. (He behaves more as an uncle than a brother in any case, these guys have no sibling dynamic. Source: I have siblings with a big age gap.) But even all that I could get through with gritted teeth, if if wasn't for another obstacle--Henry Cavill as Sherlock.

They really went all-in on Eye Candy Sherlock, with those pretty curls. Whereas Sam... well, you can see for yourselves what they did to him. The gross moustache, the idiot hairdo. Yet Sam has curls just as pretty as Henry's. (Funny thing is, that Sam and Henry are sort of similar looking, they can believably play brothers. But they did everything to make them look different.) So between peeps who loved Enola and the wokery of the film, and Henry's fans gushing over his cuteness, it was quite a hard place to be for me as a fan of Sam. It made me feel like a poor relation, something I have, let's say, a bit of a baggage with.

I understand that playing a cartoon villain was something Sam wanted to try his hand at, and I don't hold it against him. (Like, if I was an actress, I'd have liked to play a stepmother in Cinderella, I would get a kick out of that role.) But that doesn't mean I have to like the end result.

And now back to what I started with--how do I deal with all this, how do I reconcile my love for Sam Claflin with what he did to Mycroft, as also a fan of Sherlock Holmes?

The best explanation I can come up with is that, as the story is told from Enola's POV, she sees him as worse than he really is. Not that she's an unreliable narrator, or if she is, not on purpose. (Like you can do the same with e.g. Snape in Harry Potter.) He could have had good intentions with her, with regards to the boarding school. As for the scenes where she doesn't appear and he does, well, she cannot know what went on there anyway, so how do we know she's not making that up? I mean, him and Sherlock seemed to have got on well and Sherlock liked him, so he couldn't have been that horrible.

I was relieved to find out he wouldn't be in the second film (he was filming DJATS), I didn't watch it and never will. But now the third one has been announced and the old dread is creeping back. Another scheduling conflict would be too much luck, so all I can hope for is at least a tiny bit of character development. Please, gods of film and TV, please.

[earthstellar]

Watching Earthspark Eps 11 - 18!

So today was miserable on the Saturday shift so I’m going to be getting gradually absolutely shithouse drunk and watching Earthspark. All of the new episodes!!!  

This is my first look at all of the episodes, so these are my initial takes! 

I have not eaten today as I have been on shift, so I am likely to be genuinely drunk by the end of this, but I am taking actual notes here. 

Commentary as I go below, tagging for spoilers with every tag I know of just in case! 

Episode: 11 // Beers: 2 

Is the white woman evil? I’m going to say yes, because it sure seems like it. 

I love the idea that everyone has the capacity to experience an alt-mode slightly differently; It is dependent on the individual’s perspective, what their experience is in a changed form. 

Absolutely love that. 

Also, is this the first time we’ve seen what a bot’s experience can be, while in non-root mode? I think so! Although this seems to be specific to her? but we’ll see

The implication that alt-modes can be controlled by external forces is extremely upsetting. 

Give me a moment to be extremely old, but I remember when the hottest animation around was fucking Reboot, lmao. This show looks great!! 

Oh shit, it was the internet!!! Gen Z all star!!! This show makes me feel so old but also I like that there’s more of a Gen Z feel to the youngin’s here, that’s 100% appropriate and I like it. It seems like the writing is tonally on point for the target demographic and below, which makes sense. 

In a way it reminds me a bit of Ghost in the Shell, the way there’s this 3D space to navigate The Net. 

Uh oh, an internet meme reference which is 15 years out of date. Maybe I spoke too soon? 

An alligator alt-mode! I’m from Florida so this isn’t scary to me lmao, but hell yeah Beastformers!!! Fuck yes!!! 

That flat ass landing for Soundwave. lmao just flat on the back! Fuck. 

Evil white woman!!! uh oh

Yay, the family! I still really struggle with the family-intensive emphasis of this whole show so far, but I acknowledge that it’s because my own family is completely fucked up so all of these morals fall very short for me, personally. I do like that there’s a lot of focus on being together and achieving things as a collective unit of people, though. :) 

I love Nightshade. Not just saying this because I also don’t believe in gender, but just in general, I love Nightshade. 

This bitch is a living router!!! Yes!!! God, yes!!! 

Episode: 12 // Beers: 3 

How do they clean under the glove? Is the glove just a part of their hand? How integrated is it? 

Home movies, fuck yes. 

Anxiety son trying to choose his alt-mode reminds me a lot of 12 year old me trying to choose my gender. Relatable. 10/10 

What a cute opening!!!! I don’t have siblings but is this what it’s like sometimes? Holy shit I was a lonely kid LMAO 

I love Jawbreaker a lot. 

Dot’s hairtie looks a lot like a FedEx parcel rubberband. Not hating on it, I’m just saying. 

Oh shit this is going to be a home movie episode! YES YES YES 

This reminds me of Rewind doing interviews of the Lost Light crew, I’m gonna fucking cry over the most basic shit lmaoooo

WiFi Queen watching her stories. PLAY TELEMUNDO 

Jawbreaker is my son nobody fuck with him ever

oh no creative differences 

WiFi Queen leave my son alone, no no no no 

This reminds me way too much of all the videos teenagers made back in the day of Kingdom Hearts keyblade fights in Target parking lots and it’s truly, truly embarrassing but also very much a vibe 

 ARACHNAMECHS YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION 

calm down Elita-One

Megatron like “when’s your fucking boyfriend gonna get here” lmao 

MEGATRON INTERVIEW LET’S FUCKING GO 

OH SHIT HISTORY LESSON

NO NO NO WIFI QUEEN STOP STOP STOP YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SET OFF PTSD STOP 

hashtag her name is hashtag

oh god he’s explaining his fucking tilt-rotor alt mode, I already made a post about why the alt mode is inherently funny but tl;dr these things suck IRL :( 

oh shit are we getting an Elita-1 workout tape 

this is kinda shitty of Elita actually, maybe slow down for the kid??? IDK

ok it’s nice now <3 

oh shit!!! self-discovery!!! 

uh oh foreshadowing that this video definitely won’t be just for him :(  

the handling on that big ass van is not good, which makes sense 

sibling themed lesson, not surprising-- seems like almost every episode so far in some way or another. not complaining, it’s just something I really can’t relate to personally at all so I’m naturally a bit disconnected 

cute, edit with the scissors :’) 

is this what it’s like to have a family that loves you? like they’re supportive and shit? that’s real????? that can happen? lol my family is so fucked up idk this is actually depressing me but it’s fine I like the show 

Episode: 13 // Beers: 3 

god I love Jawbreaker 

Nightshade!! oh shit. I love them too

I LOVE Nightshade. lmao 

Nightshade is me. I also do not want to go Do The Thing. I want to Do Some Bullshit. 

Loner child!! Yes!!! They made a character for those of us that are only children lmao

CEMETERY YES YES YES 

oh fuck are they about to learn about death 

YES YES YES YES SPIDERS YES 

YES HOLY SHIT YES TARANTULAS YES YES YES YES YES 

PROTOFORM

UNAFFILIATED 

SUFFICIENTLY NON-THREATENING 

MOTHERFUCKER YES

PRONOUN INTRODUCTION YES

YES!!!! FUCK YES

HOLY SHIT 

I’M SO QUEER THIS IS THE BEST EPISODE OF ANYTHING EVER 

“YOU HAVE A MISSED CONNECTION” DON’T TELL HIM PROWL CALLED, STOP WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD 

did this goggle wearing asshole just call them an “it”? did they ever say they used it pronouns? I might just be drunk I’ll have to rewatch later but uhhh

Nightshade is my favourite, but so is Tarantulas 

IS HIS HOLOFORM DALE GRIBBLE FROM KING OF THE HILL WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

HOLOFORMS!!!! 

FUCK ME THIS IS GREAT

I LOVE TARANTULAS I LOVE HIM

IT’S SORT OF UPSETTING HOW MUCH I FEEL HIM RN BUT YOU KNOW WHAT FUCK IT THIS WHOLE EPISODE IS SO REAL FOR EXISTING 

80S MUSIC SCIENCE MONTAGE YES YES YES 

THEY’RE GIVING ME EVERYTHING!!! 

oh no is it gonna take a turn now 

“I chose to survive” FUCKING MOOD

no motherfucker he will NOT lose another child!!!! 

YES DOT WITH THE REAL TALK <3 LOVE HER 

god dammit! this is my favourite episode of this whole show so far 

ha ha oh shit spider time!! 

PARENT THEFT 

OH MY GOD WE’RE DOING IT 

I’VE ENTERED SICKO MODE

unsupervised only child behaviour, I can finally relate to something in this show!!! god bless!!! 

PARTNER!! YES!! 

honestly I get that it’s the Maltos so he’s wrong on this occasion but in general I am fully on board with Tarantulas at the moment, GHOST is some bullshit 

BEASTMODE 

BEASTMODE!!! FUCK YEAH FUCK YES HOLY SHIT 

Tarantulas has a desire to adopt so strong that he’s wrongly evaluating the current situation, this was entirely predictable, if you know then you know lmao

OH FUCK I LOVE NIGHTSHADE’S NEW LOOK

HELL YEAH 

fuck off Bumblebee 

yeah I fucking love Nightshade’s new look, this RULES

YEAH TARANTULAS REDEMPTION ARC YES YES YES YES YES YES YES 

FUCK GHOST I HATE GHOST 

they’re just OK with this shit? what the fuck? I mean ok but also no it isn’t, what the fuck? 

CREDITS, FUCK 

THIS WAS THE BEST EPISODE. THIS WAS THE BEST ONE. 

Episode: 14 // Beers: 3 

oh fuck GHOST

had to pause to make some bagels at this point, lox and a schmear, hell yeah

god I love Nightshade’s new look so much

hate that WiFi Queen got stuck with a GHOST alt-mode, GHOST sucks so bad I hate them so much holy shit :( she deserves better but also I understand the Call of the WiFi 

Schloder you asshole 

lmao The Most Dad 

the tea kettle is shaped like Bumblebee lmao, wait why is Schloder fondling it like his dick, I don’t like this 

that’s not how lenses work 

it’s OK Nightshade, I can’t do math either 

oh shit is it gonna be Blurr, oh shit oh fuck 

god the texture on Dot’s hair is so good

BREAKDOWN OHHH SHITTTT

STUNTICONS!!! 

stupid deal, of course. there’s no plot without it 

is this the Big Sister Syndrome I have heard so much about 

oh shit evil white woman is back!!! Croft? 

the three dipshit hipster GHOST members, lol 

YEAHHHHH DOT 

fuck, the white woman strikes again 

YEAH FUCK UP GHOST 

oh shit 

BREAKDOWN FUCK YEAH

LMAO the license plate in Human Language too, fuck yeah, GHOST sucks 

evil white woman!!! 

holy shit that ruled also FEELINGS

FUCK GHOST 

WHY IS EVERYONE OK WITH GHOST???? FUCK GHOST 

this whole thing took 10 hours? damn 

Episode: 15 /// Beers: 3 

LOVE the discussion about which prosthetic to use <3 

oh shit it’s a Mother’s Day episode

this is gonna be hard, I might have to punk out on this one for Fucked Up Family Reasons 

love Nightshade <3 also hell yeah owl claws!! 

ha ha oh shit a bear! FUCK

what the fuck happened with her prosthetic what bullshit is this 

my mom used to be a ranger this sucks so bad like my relationship with my mom is NOT GOOD so this show is already hard to watch lmao but holy shit 

super worms? fucking GHOST doing bullshit in the woods

the dial up sound L M A O 

the way WiFi Queen says “picnic basket” is the same cadence famously used by Yogi Bear, for those who aren’t old as fuck and/or have never seen that show before 

THE BEAR IS SATAN

I love Large Son 

FUNGUS BEAR FUNGUS BEAR TOXIC WORM BEAR

oh shit Nightshade cruise mode!! 

what the fuck the fungus bear became a new bear

DISPERSE THE GOO

I will talk a lot about the prosthesis lesson at a later date, 10/10 I like seeing this discussed on a show for kids 

evil white woman is shaping up to be the Main Villain here 

Episode: 16 // Beers: 4 

oh fuck a flashback

oh fuck!!! 

man it sucks to watch kids act out war. like yeah I know this is fiction but it’s also real and it sucks

looks like they finally set off PTSD in Megatron, way to go kiddos :( if I triggered my dad’s PTSD by playing with a ball or something I had the shit whipped out of me, so I hope the kids can fucking run because it’s not their fault anymore than it was mine IRL but I can feel the sting, oh nooo

Scottish Megatron was a great choice 

HISTORY LESSON LET’S FUCKIN GO

HISTORY LESSON FROM MEGATRON LET’S GO FUCK YEAH

man this episode is actually already setting off my own PTSD!! nothing like family themed shows to really point out how fucked my own family is. gonna need more beers!!! 

THE BLUE FLOWERS alright yeah this is gonna fuck me up real bad

hold on I’m getting another beer 

shut the fuck up, kids-- IDK I know this is my own family trauma from war speaking here, but I would have absolutely had the fucking shit slapped out of me if I said or did anything during War Story Time. I’m like terrified they’re going to start getting beat for real in a minute here if they keep saying dumb shit :( 

megatron has been patient so far but holy shit kids shut the fuck up 

that having been said I am glad Megatron is better with kids than any of my family members lmao it’s not like I want them to get hit or anything, I’m just seriously on edge because I absolutely got traumatised when I like, breathed when my mom or dad was doing PTSD time and this feels like where that is going 

“what do you know of the all spark” GET ‘EM MEGS, GET ‘EM WITH KNOWLEDGE 

IDK how I feel about Dot alone being Meg’s turning point but we’ll see where this goes

very TFP-like, with restoration of Cybertron being the ultimate goal

Scots Meg, love it when the Scots comes through. shoulda just let the VA go full Scottish, that would rule

that having been said, oh fuck Shockwave! 

I like his design, 50% Cyberverse, 50% G1.

OLD FRIEND LINE I’M LOSING MY MIND

really uncomfortable how much this reminds me of a couple war memorials I’ve been to IRL, Do Not Like but I understand they were going for this exact association it just sucks for what are probably obvious reasons 

nobody bothered to secure Shockwave’s tube? ever? 

“lower class cy-brids” oh FUCK 

IT WAS A CLASS WAR, IDW/TFP influenced origin semi-confirmed for this continuity as well??? 

“we have just enough energon in us for those things to hurt” -- interesting 

I love that the park insignia is a human fist grabbing a Cybertronian finger in a “handshake” 

don’t spew centrist bullshit Megatron but war fucks with everyone’s heads so I don’t blame you. 

although yes “don’t do leftist infighting” is very good advice, he’s not wrong about that. 

Episode: 17 // Beers: 5 

what the fuck is this underground dog fighting pit Cybertronian battle arena gladiatorial contest bullshit right the fuck here 

ARE THEY IN FUCKING PHILLY 

THEY ARE!!! THEY’RE IN FUCKING PHILLY 

SHOUT OUT TO ALLEGHENY COUNTY!!!! 

what weakass drumline is this, come on there are buskers better than this 

WHERE’S GRITTY

PLEASE GRITTY

everyone is rude in Philly, these kids don’t know shit 

also “city mileage” is literally going nowhere because traffic isn’t moving LMAO

oh shit a hipster is about to get Bad Timed

OH FUCK YEAH RED EYE OWL SUPERHERO TIME

YESSSSS OUR THEY/THEM HERO YES YES YES YES YES

no honey don’t breathe in the train vent air, you’re breathing in so much pollution, noooo

they’re encountering a white woman in the wild, oh no 

OH NO THE WHITE WOMAN IS ENTICING THEM TO JOIN A PIT FIGHT

DON’T LISTEN TO STRANGE WHITE WOMEN DON’T DO IT, NO 

god dammit! 

none of the Philly people have good Philly voices but I expected this 

NO SKATEPARK HAS AN AMERICAN FLAG ON IT THAT ISN’T VANADALISED, I CALL BULLSHIT IMMEDIATELY 

Twitch is fucking up her paint so bad right now 

fucked up graffiti, oh no :( 

SHE/THEY PINS ON THE BACKPACK HELL YEAHHHHH

YEAHHH NIGHTSHADE CALLED IT OUT 

QUEERS UNITE

YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH YEAH

I LOVE THIS SCENE SO MUCH

YESSSSSSSSSSS NON-BINARY DISCUSSION 

YEAH YEAH YEAH FUCK YEAH 

please god have a trans man on this show someday, please god 

white woman quoting bugs bunny lmao fuck off 

GUITAR CHILD IS RUNNING A PIT RING??? 

SOUNDWAVE COME GET YOUR KIDS

ha ha Bumblebee’s like what the fuck “we just wanted to see wrestling” LOL 

lmao staged fight let’s go, WWE back in the late 90s early 2000s energy for real

are they gonna do the Hulk Hogan Mr. America lie detector test thing LMAOOOO

I like that the arena is made up of fucked up old subway cars though, that’s real Philly energy tbh 

GRIMLOCK HA HAAAA GET FUCKED

no memory? also reference to IDW 1 Grimlock losing memory? idk I just want there to be as much IDW 1 in this as possible tbh 

also fucking LOL Lazerbeak is doing amazing as the announcer 

Mandroid!! 

wait the mind control eyes were purple here and the bear with the fucked up fungus tentacle worm situation also had purple eyes but that was from the GHOST shit so I’m calling it now, the Mandroid shit and the GHOST shit is the exact same shit 

lmao uh oh, fuck them humans

interesting how they said “we changed you” and he instantly said “you didn’t ruin anything”, uhhh not quite the same thing but also I’m drunk and this is a child character talking so I will revisit this later if need be

Stevie fucking sucks, very true, good lesson: friends that suck are not actually friends

OH SHIT REAL MISSION TIME IN PHILLY LET’S GO

I love that fucking owl alt mode so much, jesus christ

Episode: 18 // Beers: 5

humans are fucking shitty

very similar reveal shot to the shot in TFP where Ratchet and Optimus are looking around in the plague ship, 10/10 love it 

oh fuck, Brawl’s toast

OH FUCK NICE SAVE LARGE SON

this scene looks great

Mandroid’s looking fucked up!

oh shit, Bot Brawls, there’s a name for it. and it’s just normal human bullshit, not related to Mandroid. yeah, that checks out. SIGH

EXTREMELY ANIME SHOT OF MANDROID 

holy shit those cables really jammed in there

they made one of the worms from Tremors into a giant spider worm (not a sexy Tarantulas spider worm, like a bad one) 

oh shit Hashtag’s mind controlled 

ha ha holy fuck she just rocked Thrash

MENTAL BATTLE ZONE YEAHHH

this is fucked!!! 

ha ha it’s fucking with Teslas, that kinda rules 

HA HA YES IT’S ALL CARS WITH WIFI SHIT INVOLVED, YEAH I KNEW I DIDN’T TRUST THAT SHIT!!! I WAS RIGHT!!! THANKS FOR VALIDATING ME

can’t beat the internet, y’all are fucked pretty bad right now 

obligatory “I know you’re in there” line 

if the power of family is what defeats a microchip in this episode I’m going to be so fucking pissed off l m a o

I really wish this show would stop making me feel bad for having a shitty family at literally every opportunity, it really is sort of overbearing, but I’m also drunk right now so maybe I’m just being overly sensitive, but what about kids watching this with shitty families? like dude this is so genuinely painful 

god fucking dammit 

the power of family is what did it 

I mean good, I guess, but also this just makes me feel like such shit lmaooo

also I’m an only child so I mean IDK what the fuck sibling love is LOL

if I took shots for every time they said the word “family” I’d be dead within 15 minutes, guaranteed

the little girl is the only one with any common sense lmao, I am too drunk to remember her name, I still have not eaten all day -- wait I lied I had 2 bagels

confirmed: Bot Brawls are the only option for Decepticons, it’s literally just a new version of gladiatorial battles on Cybertron (assuming that was also a thing in this continuity, seems likely but I don’t think they’ve mentioned it yet) 

fucking bummer 

I wouldn’t be laughing at a drained Bumblebee passing the fuck out but that’s just me, also apparently Cybertronians can snore despite having vents and no airways, maybe that’s different here for some reason, IDK

it could also be Bumblebee actively trying to put them at ease with the last bit of his energy in a subtle way as the Terrans/kids might not understand Cybertronian anatomy so this might not register to them as being weird, which is the option I prefer but this is just me thinking out loud 

EVIL WHITE WOMAN!!! I TOLD YOU THE WHITE WOMAN WOULD BE THE REAL ENEMY!!!!! I TOLD YOU!!!!! 

oh fuck she’s the pit fight organiser, because of course she is

OH SHIT ENERGON PATCHES. Mandroid’s reaction to it is a lot like TFP Megatron’s reaction to dark energon, hmmmm

“they’re all disposable” wow fuck you lady 

also the shithead kid learned a lesson and fixed the graffiti, good 

great ending frame on a deranged Mandroid

ALRIGHT SO THAT’S IT

I’m going to sleep now, will re-watch all of this sober once I have the time, just desperately wanted to see Tarantulas tbh LMAO and I do not regret it!! 

[unpassive-viewer]

Hi Barbie!

Saw Barbie this week, as everyone else probably did as well. Seeing everyone in hot pink was very wholesome.

The movie itself was... a lot. Not something I'd watch without the fanfare. Two hours of staring at hot pink was overwhelming, to say the least. It was definitely something I had to digest afterwards - it was like a two hour fever dream. The best thing I can liken it to was a very long SNL skit with incredible acting. Seriously, the actors in this film were pulling all the stops. Kate McKinnon in particular was great as Weird Barbie. Onto the review ~

The good:

The acting, obviously. Ryan Gosling was giving "Brad Pitt cameoing in Deadpool for the price of a coffee" - the man was LIVING. Absolutely setting the theatre kid in him free. Margot Robbie's crying scene was very real and emotional, I almost forgot I was watching a movie about a toy. America Ferrera is a goddess, I think she was perfect for her role.

The set design and costumes. Oh my goodness was the whole movie so fun. I might get crucified for this, but in terms of matching the whole set, this film reminds me of the 2003 Cat in the Hat. Unhinged and yet very well assembled.

The cinematography. The film was incredibly well shot. I loved the transition montages going between Barbieland and the real world, they were very different. I also liked the wide shots of Barbie, especially at the end. Also, as Alan from CinemaTherapy will tell you, the most versatile tool a director and actor have are close up shots of the actor. This movie employed that tactic expertly.

The comedy. Really well written, and clearly very often improvised. I felt like it drew a good balance.

The less good:

The pacing. While the monologues were amazing, I didn't feel like the movie gave viewers time to root for any of their characters... except Ken. I would have liked if we got more time with the humans beyond the car chase scene. I simply did not feel there was enough character development. Ken is... well, he's just Ken. He's simple and funny. I think I would like Stereotypical Barbie's narrative more with a second watch, it was just a lot to process on a 70 foot screen.

The theme. Do not get mad at me for this, please. I spent a lot of the film trying to figure out who the target audience of this film is, because all of the feminist overtones were so... obvious? America Ferrera's monologue in particular. Women already know all of what she said - it is born into us and moulded for our entire lives. And the part where the Mattel CEO tells Barbie to get back in the box... that felt like low hanging fruit. Was the purpose to make women feel seen, or was it an attempt to communicate something to a non-woman audience? Because that demographic has been touch and go with this whole production. It was a fun way to see it articulated, but I am still confused. Especially since Greta Gerwig's other films also touch on remarkably similar topics already. Who is this for?

Overall I think the societal reaction to this film has been more dramatic than anything contained in the movie itself. It does not make egregious statements - if anything it's a bit of a dumbed-down feminist message. Even the lyrics to the music makes is as easy as possible to comprehend the message that's being delivered. Greta Gerwig is not doing subliminal messaging, she wanted the whole audience to know EXACTLY what she was communicating... and somehow so many people still missed the point.

However, it has really seemed like the perfect storm in terms of timing and marketing reach. The fact that a message like this would get this big right now in the wake of all that is happening to women in the world - specifically the western world where this will be the most popular - is kind of incredible. I feel like Greta Gerwig is executing a Taylor Swift-level master plan.

Honestly, the most insane part of this to me is seeing all of the men who have complaints that Ken was "dumbed down" and cries of "not all men" as if there is not an obviously unproblematic man represented in the film. If you align yourself with Ken and not Alan... buddy do I have some news for you. But all of those arguments have been made already, so I will leave it at that.

Basically, go see Barbie. It's fun, it's a good balance of comedy and gut-wrenching grief for your girlhood and for your sisters, and the cult activity of everyone wearing pink to the theatre is like... my favourite thing. This was my Star Wars, people committed to the bit.

As a final thought I'd like to thank the guy who was sitting behind me in the theatre who was crying laughing at all the jokes, I think you brought me back to life with that.

[ear-worthy]

Immigrantly Media Presents Banterly Podcast Dissecting Gen Z Pop Culture

When people converse about starting a podcast, they usually begin with "who will be in the podcast." That decision takes up the bulk of their planning process. Others -- perhaps those with a more acute sense of a game plan -- decide to reverse engineer the process and begin with a clear definition of their audience. In effect, "Who the hell is going to listen to our podcast and listen to us talk?"

After listening to the premiere episode of Banterly, I strongly suspect that the producers and hosts clearly delineated their audience. That target audience is Gen-Z.

The creators of the award-winning podcast Immigrantly have launched a new show for an under-served market: Gen-Z listeners who want to hear complex and critical conversations about pop culture. 

Perhaps the folks at Immigrantly Media have inspected the data I've reviewed numerous times. That listener data from PodTrac and others reveals that podcast growth is strongest among Millennials and Gen-Z listeners. The weakest demographic for podcast listening is people over 65. Technology challenges and ingrained media habits limit podcasts among older listeners. The folks at Immigrantly Media note: "We know that Gen-Z podcast listeners are on the rise, but where can they get an analysis of the latest TikTok trends, contemporary films, and TV shows from people their own age? Enter Banterly." Hosted by Aditi Misra, a Gen-Z comedian, and Aidan Taylor, a recent journalism grad, these two "banter" about pop culture and media analysis from "an unfiltered and socially conscious Gen-Z perspective." Aditi Misra is a recent graduate from Barnard College, originally from Tampa, Florida. She does stand up around New York City and is part of a sketch group called Dem We Boys with her dearest friends (notably, the Boys). Her obsessions are lengthy, including John Mulaney, the NYC Ferry, and labor unions. Her biggest fear? Losing her Mort impression. And also bugs. Aidan Taylor is a journalism graduate from NYU, hailing from St. Louis, Missouri. When he’s not writing, sleeping, or eating, you can find him watching every single Real Housewives show (besides Jersey), or rewatching the best show of all time, Glee. While he’s not a huge movie buff, The Goonies, Pitch Perfect, and Shiva Baby are his top three (in no particular order). His favorite dessert is chocolate chip cookies. “Immigrantly’s focus on the importance of uplifting underrepresented voices inspired me to join their team as a co-host for Banterly,” said co-host Aditi Misra. “Our generation is constantly engaging with TV, movies, and trends, and we hope to do it in a way that brings diverse identities into the conversation. While I can’t wait to give my hot takes on these topics, I am mainly looking forward to what our listeners think. Banterly will ultimately be a two-way conversation, and I hope we all learn something new from it.” Co-host Aidan Taylor shares, “I was drawn to Banterly and Immigrantly Media because of their mission of telling stories from often silenced communities. This new podcast is an exciting way to engage with a younger generation, my generation, on pop-culture, something I have always been interested in, while also having those deep and important conversations tying back to our society as a whole. It’ll hopefully be a fun weekly escape for listeners from the craziness of the world, and they’ll end up laughing with us and maybe step away with a different perspective.”

I listened to the premiere episode that debuted on January 10th and genuinely enjoyed it. The co-hosts have solid chemistry, evident even after the first episode. Both hosts don't try to be funny, but instead allow the flow of conversation to dictate the humor. Their discussions on Taylor's Zillow Stalking, and Misra's ASMR dental devices are delightfully strange, yet so poignantly sincere. 

Their initial critique on the TV show Sex Education was comprehensive, incisive, yet casual and conversational.

The debut episode had superb sound design with simple yet effective intro music, rich, deeply resonant co-host voices and a clean sound throughout the episode. Banterly is brought to you by Immigrantly Media, creators of the Immigrantly podcast and Invisible Hate. Funding for Banterly is supported by American Public Media Group (APMG). 

 Finally, just because Banterly is designed for Gen-Z listeners, that doesn't preclude other generations dialing in. I'm a Baby Boomer and I thoroughly enjoyed it. We all benefit when we reach out to other generations, races, people with different lifestyles, and those with disagree with.

At the end of the episode, the co-hosts do the typical "we want your feedback and here's how to do it" speech. Then Taylor made me laugh when he admitted, "Yeah, I don't handle negative feedback well." 

Oh, the honesty. It's refreshing.

[yourtoradorasextendedwarranty]

I'm not going to say something as crazy as, "only people who are left wing do stuff like this", however what I am going to say is that when it comes to political violence the only reason that the left are supposedly historically less documented being violent for political racial or other reasons, is because the people who run the institutions, who are supposed to be honest and upfront about their findings. Well, most of them lean left. Therefore they do not want their political leanings being associated with extremism. But if we look at things from an honest perspective, and we look back at a tax we know for fact were left wing. Well you start seeing a fun trend. Which is the fact that when it comes to violence from racism, violence from politics, violence from social norms, you end up seeing it primarily from the left.

Now, I have to specify. I am strictly talking about the West in this regard. And I'm not talking about illegal immigrants either. I am talking about the legal demographics of Western Nations. Because looking back at history people think that the KKK were republicans. They were not. They were Democrats. And there was never a party switch the way that so many people like to claim. Because if you look at the voting records of the Democrats it is typically for legislation that would actually harm ethnic minorities. Democrats might have changed their approach but their views still seem to be the same. They are socially regressive, they are racist, and they are violent.

But the reason that these conversations are basically impossible to have, is the fact that people cannot believe their sides to be evil. Where is me, a moderate, is very much capable of understanding that people in general can be bad or evil. And considering that I only leans slightly left I am still targeting the left in this rant. I'm just aware that the more left authoritarian you go the more ridiculous as a person you become. But that's probably due more to the fact that authoritarianism breeds violence anyway. However, the other reason that it is impossible to have conversations regarding this, is because the media and academia are fundamentally captured by the left. Mostly Neo Progressive radicals, but nonetheless captured. And considering that fact, it is all but impossible to point the finger at them because they use things like technocracy, IE: rule by experts, to claim they are significantly more valid as individuals. But leftist doublethink is fun. What it does is it says these people can lie but because they are on my side of course they can't lie because that would be bad.

I'll bring up a perfect example. Jordan Peterson. Peterson is a decorated psychologist who has done more work in his field then other people have done in their lifetime. Because he actually cares about human beings. He is also a very intelligent academic. But because he was against the compelled speech that was potentially coming to Canada, he got labeled right wing and therefore his credentials became invalid. It's wild to me that leftists have this hard on for credentialism but are so eager to show you that they don't really care about credentialism when it comes to their opponents.

Most of the people I listen to for my news I go out of my way to fact check them as much as I can. Often times it's extremely difficult because the mainstream media which is 98% of the media sphere, are bald-faced liars. Because rather than tell the truth, they would rather push a narrative. And proof of that, is in the fact that they would keep a kill counter when covid was going on. And what's funny is one of the few journalist left in the world with any level of integrity, James O'Keefe, exposed one of those companies who admitted it was scaremongering. Regardless, my point stands.

Also sorry @beardedmrbean for hijacking your post. Watching this stuff happen just infuriates me.

The death of a woman this week in a car crash involving a police officer who was responding to a bomb threat against Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene's Georgia home demonstrates the growing danger of swatting, police and experts said.

Swatting refers to when a false threat is made to draw police and first responders to a location.

The woman, identified by police as Tammie Pickelsimer, was killed after crashing into a bomb squad member who was responding to the call, according to a statement from the Rome Police Department.

According to police, the threat was sent by email to them last week, but it was re-routed to a junk folder. Police on Monday discovered the email which correctly listed the congresswoman's home address.

Greene was not home at the time, but the message from the email specifically targeted the congresswoman's mailbox, Greene posted on X.

The email spurred a response from police who then sent an officer to monitor the mailbox while waiting for the bomb squad.MORE: Massachusetts congresswoman says family was targeted with a bomb threat

Rome police sergeant and bomb squad member David Metroka was en route to join the bomb squad at their headquarters when he crashed into the 66-year-old Pickelsimer, Georgia State Patrol said.

Picklesimer suffered significant injuries and later died at the hospital, according to GSP. The officer had minor injuries and was later released from the hospital.

Police did not find a bomb at Greene's home. In a statement, the Rome Police Department addressed the dangers of swatting incidents.

"The Rome Police Department continues to work closely with Congresswoman Greene's staff to address the growing concern of swatting incidents and has implemented protocols to ensure that emergency responses are only triggered when truly necessary," the police department said in a statement. "This particular situation did not require an emergency response."

The police department added, "The Rome Police Department extends its heartfelt condolences to the Pickelsimer family during this difficult time. The department holds the individual responsible for sending the threatening email fully accountable for setting this tragic chain of events into motion. In collaboration with Congresswoman Greene's office, the Rome Police Department is working with federal authorities to ensure the perpetrator is apprehended and brought to justice."

The Rome Police Department told ABC News the email had an IP address linked to Russia.

Greene said she "felt heartsick," and expressed her concern over violent political threats in a statement on X.

"These violent political threats have fatal consequences," she said. "It’s an undue strain on our law enforcement who must treat them seriously. The officer was responding to protect my life. And now, a woman has lost her life because of this despicable act."MORE: Democratic members of Congress get bomb threats on Thanksgiving

According to John Bandler, an adjunct professor at John Jay College of Criminal Justice, swatting is a harassment tactic used to dispatch an "arm of government" for emergency services.

Bandler believes the uptick in swatting stems from cyber crimes allowing criminals to commit a crime against someone else without having to get close to it, he said.

"It is a way people can do a crime and they think they won't get caught doing it," Bandler said. "And it seems much more an indirect way of doing it."

Most people are never going to be swatted, Bandler said. But he notes it will be hard to protect yourself from this sort of crime, just like it is to protect yourself from all crime, he said.

Bandler calls for all swatting attempts to be prosecuted as a felony in every state and on the federal level. Swatting becomes a felony on the federal level when it crosses state lines.

He said swatting is extremely dangerous and scatters police efforts.

"Not only are you wasting law enforcement's time, but you're triggering that emergency response and that is always going to be dangerous," Bandler said.

Greene said her office is cooperating with local law enforcement and the FBI as they investigate the threat.

[maddiesbookshelves]

Crave #1 (out of 7) by Tracy Wolff (January 2022)

My whole world changed when I stepped inside the academy. Nothing is right about this place or the other students in it. Here I am, a mere mortal among gods…or monsters. I still can’t decide which of these warring factions I belong to, if I belong at all. I only know the one thing that unites them is their hatred of me.

Then there’s Jaxon Vega. A vampire with deadly secrets who hasn’t felt anything for a hundred years. But there’s something about him that calls to me, something broken in him that somehow fits with what’s broken in me. Which could spell death for us all. Because Jaxon walled himself off for a reason. And now someone wants to wake a sleeping monster, and I’m wondering if I was brought here intentionally—as the bait.

Would I recommend it to anyone? To the me from ten years ago maybe, she probably would have loved it. Other than that, I wouldn't recommend it to anyone I know. You really have to love clichés YA girl x vampire loves stories. And even then... I hope there's some better stuff out there.

Level of (dis)satisfaction based on the summary and my expectations? Let's be honest, I had absolutely 0 expectations for this book. When I read the summary I immediately thought "it looks so bad, I need to read it, it'll be funny". So...

My thoughts on it? I know very well that I am not part of the target demographic for this book at all, after all that's part of why I read it, so I'll start with the positive before dumping all the salt in my body into this post: I was agreeably surprised by some aspects of this book, especially by the fact that Wolff didn't go the traditional route and didn't write a love triangle (at least not in this first book because I've seen some things when I read the summary of the other books...). The truth about Grace's origins was unexpected but I liked the originality. Some parts got a genuine laugh out of me, not just because I was making fun of the book. I could feel that there was a real effort to stand out and do things a bit differently than other books in the genre, but it still wasn't great.

Unfortunately, that's all the positive things I can say about this book, so take a deep breath and here we go:

To start off, the summary is a lie, Grace isn't wondering about anything, she's just a sitting duck, passively waiting for things to happen until something so obvious happens that she can't not face reality anymore. I waited for over half the book for Grace to FINALLY realize that the people around her aren't human, and even after that, there was absolutely not plot aside from "oh Jaxon ily u so handsum but y u ignore me?" (yes, the vampire's name is Jaxon, goddammit. He lost all the respect I could have had for him when I learned his name), it was aggravating. I almost gave up on this book 180 pages in, but I'm stubborn and I wanted to know if there was ever going to be any kind of plot. Which there was... 50 pages from the end. And it was extremely weak.

Overall, the book was full of infuriating clichés but I think it kinda goes with the genre. For example, the immediate physical and mental attraction the MC feels towards a boys she's never met and just can't explain. The only thing Jaxon has going for him is his face, because he's a pompous jerk (with a screw loose if we see it from Grace's point of vue since he keeps saying weird shit) at the beginning of the book. And Grace is just like "oh no, he's a pompous jerk and he can see in my eyes that I'm attracted to him when I shouldn't be but he's so sexy". That was literaly Grace's internal monologue during the whole book. I skipped so many paragraphs because I was at the end of my rope. Also, the moments when they interacted in public were so awkward. Imagine two teens just standing in the corridor, staring each other in the eye while everyone goes about their business. Insufferable.

Now the problem is, I read the summaries for the other 6 (six!!) books in the series and I'm extremely curious about some things. So I'm still pondering, do I read at least the second book? But I kinda fear for my mental health if I do.

French version under the cut

Mon monde a basculé le jour où j'ai atterri au lycée Katmere. Me voilà, simple mortelle, au milieu de vampires, de loups-garous, et autres êtres surnaturels. Une seule chose semble unir ces créatures de la nuit : elles me détestent. Au point d'espérer ma mort ? Que faire, alors, de Jaxon, l'énigmatique vampire dont je ne peux me détacher ? Avec ses souffrances ancestrales, ce séduisant immortel m'attire plus que de raison. Pourtant, me rapprocher de lui pourrait bien mettre tout le monde en danger… Et si quelqu'un voulait m'utiliser comme appât ?

Est-ce que tu le conseillerais à quelqu’un ? A mon moi d’y a 10 ans à la limite. Je suis sûre qu’elle aurait adoré. Mais sinon, à personne que je connais. Il faut vraiment aimer la romance YA clichée jeune fille x vampire. Et encore. J’espère qu’il existe des trucs un peu mieux.

Niveau de déception/satisfaction par rapport au résumé et tes attentes ? Soyons clairs, j’avais aucune attente pour ce bouquin. Quand j’ai lu le résumé je me suis immédiatement dit “ça a l’air trop nul, faut que je le lise, ça va être drôle”. Donc à partir de là…

Avis sans spoiler ? Je savais très bien en lisant ce livre que je ne faisais pas du tout partie du public cible, après tout c’est un peu pour ça que je l’ai lu, du coup je vais commencer par le positif avant de déverser mon venin :

J’ai été agréablement surprise par certains aspects du livre, dont le fait que Wolff ne soit pas tombée dans le cliché du triangle amoureux (tout du moins pas dans ce premier tome parce que j’ai vu certaines choses en lisant les résumés des autres tomes…). La révélation sur les origines de Grace était également inattendue, et j’ai apprécié l’originalité de la chose. Certains passages m’ont fait rire pour de bon, pas juste parce que je me moquais.

Concrètement on sentait qu’y avait des efforts pour se démarquer un peu des autres livres du genre mais c’était quand même pas fameux. Malheureusement c’est tout ce que je peux dire de positif sur ce livre donc prenez une grande inspiration et c’est parti :

Déjà, le résumé n'est pas du tout un bon reflet de ce qu'il se passe dans le livre : Grace ne se demande rien du tout, elle attend passivement que les choses se passe jusqu'au jour où un truc tellement évident lui arrive qu'elle peut plus ignorer la réalité. J’ai attendu plus de la moitié du bouquin pour qu'elle réalise ENFIN que les personnes autour d’elle ne sont pas humaines, et même après ça, il y avait tellement pas d’intrigue en dehors de “Oh Jaxon jtm t tro bo mai pk tu m’ignor” (oui, oui, le vampire s’appelle Jaxon bordel. J’ai perdu tout le respect que j’aurais pu avoir pour lui quand j’ai appris son prénom), c'était affligeant. J’ai bien failli abandonner ma lecture au bout de 180 pages mais je suis têtue et je voulais vraiment savoir si une intrigue autre que la romance entre Grace et Jaxon allait pointer le bout de son nez, ce qui a finit par arriver... A 50 pages de la fin. Et c’était extrêmement bancal.

De manière générale, c’était bourré de clichés insupportables, mais je pense que c’est un peu une caractéristique du genre. Par exemple, l’attirance physique et mentale inexplicable envers un mec que l'héroïne a jamais rencontré. Tout ce que Jaxon a pour lui c'est qu'il est beau, sinon dès qu'il ouvre la bouche au début du livre c'est pour être un connard prétentieux (avec une case en moins si on se place du point de vue de Grace vu qu'il dit des trucs bizarres). Et elle est juste en mode "oh non c'est un connard prétentieux et il lit dans mes yeux que je suis attirée par lui mais que je devrais pas puis il est sexy". C’était littéralement le monologue interne de Grace pendant tout le roman. J’ai sauté tellement de paragraphes parce que j’étais au bout de ma vie. Et les moments où ils interagissaient en public étaient beaucoup trop gênants. Imaginez deux ados qui se regardent avec des yeux de merlan frit en plein milieu du couloir. Insupportable.

Le problème maintenant c’est ce que j’ai lu les résumés des 6 (six !!) autres livres dans la série et je suis extrêmement curieuse par rapport à certaines choses. Du coup j’hésite à lire au moins le tome 2 mais en même temps je tiens à ma santé mentale.

[thanksjro]

Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours.


After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

And now I’ve watched episode 3 of Walker because of reasons. (You guys asked, that’s reasons.) #1

My review of episode 1 got a lot of positive feedback and a lot of you asked me to cover more episodes! But my review of episode 2 didn’t get much feedback at all. Possibly because episode 2 was boring and you can only make so many funny jokes about the glowy wife before it gets stale, so I get it, it’s fine. It was boring for me too. Hopefully this gets funnier! I actually have high expectations for this episode, since apparently it introduces NotDean. You know, the childhood friend who Walker loves like a brother and is the Han Solo to Walker’s Luke Skywalker. Like, what. Stop comparing Jared Padalecki characters to Like Skywalker 2021 challenge. *insert you keep using that word...*

Anyway, in case you missed it - here are all my reviews of Walker episodes, in chronological order.

EDIT: *screeching* GUYS YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS. YOU CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT HAPPENS IN THIS. Read to the end, don’t stop at the padalacting. I’m begging you asdfghjkl

Alright. Let’s start this. Actually I have a thought before we start. You know, I was thinking that episode 3 of Supernatural is when Dean gets genuinely introduced as a person. Sera Gamble and Raelle Tucker were the first to give Dean the personality that stuck and developed into the character that we love. Dead In The Water is, not coincidetally, the episode that sold Supernatural to me. The first couple of episodes were weirdly compelling, without which I wouldn’t have continued watching, but you must understand that I’d never watched horror before. It really wasn’t my genre. I was just watching on the assumption that it would get better at some point, and if it didn’t I’d stop. But Dead In The Water got me. Because that’s when we’re really shown Dean for the first time. The rest is history and now we’re here.

So I wonder what will happen in episode 3 of Walker. Is it going to magically pull a Dean out of the hat and get me?

Let’s start. The Texan countryside. The yellow, glowy light tells us this is a flashback. Closeups of Jared and Gen. He is somewhat concerned. He’s at the wheel of a car, still on the street - a red Mustang. Unlike the red Mustang of the horseman War, it is a convertible. Fun fact: a Mustang was Kripke’s original idea for the Winchesters’ car, but then switched to the Impala for body-in-the-trunk reasons. I am the 😬 emoji.

Actually guys I need to show you a couple Jared faces. I think they’re supposed to be purposely comedic faces, but honestly this is just how he acts normally. I promise I am not coming in this with a bias towards Jared’s acting. I just observe, with my eyes. He was actually good in many Supernatural episodes.

I just can’t see Cordell Walker. I’m just seeing Jared and Gen Padalecki delivering what is a somewhat padalecki acting in front of my eyes and I swear I had to close the video in the middle of this scene and start over because of a sudden attack of second-hand embarrassment.

Let’s continue

Basically, Walker is trying to drive the Mustang, but he is not good at it and the car stops after two meters. He feels exactly how I feel when I watch Walker.

“Damn it!” Jared exclaims, jaredly. I think that this scene is supposed to be set Many Years Ago, because Walker is wearing a backwards cap and Emily has her hair styled like Bad Janet but straighter, which actually says a lot about this show somehow.

God, I wish I could gif the entire scene to show you guys the padalacting. I mean, I could, but ain’t nobody got time for that. Have a bit of the scene.

For some reason she puts this thing on the dashboard, because he “puts your mind at ease”.

He makes more Jared faces, which we’ll skip because I don’t want to spend 7 hours on this.

Wait look at this shot of the car (with some bonus Jared face).

Why does this look filmed by your dad with a videocamera on Christmas afternoon after you received a toy car as a present? I suddenly have a newfound admiration for the directors who did Impala shots on Supernatural because it would seem car shots are not that easy to make. Maybe this is why Supernatural always filmed at night with a black car.

Guys I am telling you, if you need to watch one scene of Walker in your life, watch this scene. It’s so embarrassing. I almost decided to gif the moment of the car going and commenting “nyoom” but the Impala does not deserve this.

Anyway.

Listen, if I have to see thing thing over and over, you have to see it too.

He’s brought the damn thing onto a new cop truck while on a stakeout with Ramirez, who is just as happy about it as any normal person would.

I think they’re outside a strip club, judging from the posters outside.

He keeps quoting lines from the scene with his wife, which is sort of weird since Ramirez is not his love interest. Yet. Oh no. Don’t. Don’t do that. Don’t even thinking of doing that. Ramirez has a perfectly fine boyfriend.

Walker says that since they’re sitting there just waiting for the suspect’s movements or whatever, they should use that time to get to know each other, like “favorite movies, the teams you root for, middle names”.

Ramirez is me.

He’s like ~let’s bond~ and Ramirez goes immediately for the jugular and asks how Stella (his daughter) is doing. “Wow” he says. He says he and Stella are “in a good place, I think”. You’re not and we’re definitely not. This is the bad place.

Basically, they’re trying to live in a bubble of ignoring her upcoming court date for the marijuana thing. Ramirez says that the easy route is not a good idea. He’s like, are you speaking from experience? Basically they keep implying Ramirez also has a ~bad girl past, which I can absolutely live without.

Aaand now we see the inside of the strip club. The suspect is there, a lady with a Latinoamerican name, apparently bisexual because she’s surrounded by a woman and a man in underwear, the woman is touching her, it leaves no doubt about it. 😬 Enter the stripper on stage, who captures the lady’s attention.

The stripper is a man. Dressed as a slutty cowboy. There’s glitter.

Yeah, you read it right.

Oh no. No I absolutely change my mind. If you have to watch one scene of Walter, it must be the slutty glitter cowboy stripper.

There’s. There’s a. There’s a slutty glitter cowboy stripper.

The CW could do slutty glitter cowboy strippers and Dean Winchester is not there?!

I repeat, they killed Dean Winchester and then did slutty glitter cowboy strippers in Walker?!

This is a travesty. This is an outrage.

Crime. Pure crime.

Listen, I’m not optimizing these gifs, take these super quick gifs, I can’t possibly spend my night optimizing glitter cowboy stripper gifs. But you need to see.

What’s the target demographic of this show? Texan housewives? The gays? Are they trying to test all the waters and see what happens? Is Walker going to become about gay people and Jared’s character a secondary character in his own show?

Wait

*sweats* Are they really trying to replicate Supernatural in everything after all?

The bisexual lighting is there and all.

The guy in skimpy underwear is distracting. I can’t believe yesterday I saw a Jared interview where he said he couldn’t watch Supernatural with his kids because of all the violence but Walker is a show you can watch with kids. I mean, aside from this scene, Walker is definitely more kid-friendly than Supernatural for obvious reasons. But hey, since Supernatural already was non-kid-friendly, they could have at least put more dudes in skimpy underwear.

You know what, I think they’re just aiming for Texan housewives.

“You’re hotter than Austin asphalt” suspect lady tells the stripper. You know. Something normal people say.

(If Texan people actually speak like this, do NOT tell me.)

Guys, we’re only four minutes in. It’s midnight. I will continue tomorrow...

*screams into the void* These have been the four wildest minutes of my life.

[seewetter]

"very much disagree that femme queer men aren't the targets of the idea of autogynephilia. the og works were about gay and straight crossdressers/transvestites and transsexual women were only added after the groups split more??"

That's a fair point. Blanchard stereotypes em all equally.

"even buffalo bill who people refer to as a trans woman stereotype is explicitly said to be a crossdresser and not a trans woman"

Sure, but people also use Deuteronomy (specifically about crossdressing) to attack trans people. When a horror film says "this fictional serial killer isn't transgender" they kind of undermine the message when they say "but this person thinks they're transgender". Like that's very much part of the text of the film, so it's not a clear example.

Also what do you mean by "even Buffalo Bill". That there are no psycho transfem characters in horror? Because I'm sorry to tell you, but horror is full of explicitly transfem monstrosities. Sleepover Camp isn't really about crossdressing, you know.

Maybe you mean "this misunderstanding that cis crossdressers aren't targets even extends to common misperceptions about the character of Buffalo Bill"? If so, that's a fair point, but it doesn't tell us what society is doing, just how people are sometimes not thinking about cis crossdressers as part of the narrative around this kind of violence. Which isn't ideal, but it's also probably not that dramatic.

"crossdressers are murdered at the same rate as trans women in the us at least? the ratio is 1:1 according to hate crime stats."

I can't find any information on this online. Do you have a source?

"sissy is still a prominent porn category where femme queer men are humiliated and made to serve ""het"" guys..." Sissy porn exists, but tranny porn is a mainstream porn genre, sissy porn (involving cis male crossdressers) exists at the fringes of that genre. Pornhub (the largest porn site & only porn site to publish porn statistics) says that tranny porn is the 5th most popular genre of pornography worldwide.

It's also worth noting that right-wingers don't all believe that trans women are men. Evangelical leader Pat Robertson believed that binary trans people simply have male or female souls in a different body. It's important to note that Robertson is an anti-gay extremist -- but also, that someone like Robertson probably treats transgender women as women, even if he clocks them as trans. The statements such a man makes about trans women will be reflective of his regressive right-wing views of women -- the treatment trans women receive from such right-wingers is obviously based on their patriarchal ideas about men-from-Mars-women-from-Venus or a-woman's-place-in-kitchen-a-man's-place-hunting-mammoth.

The idea that male crossdressers are treated identically is really not helpful.

"for the issue of a fuckin ceo guy saying ""it's okay i have xyz friends"" that doesn't mean he actually cares about these people."

If I nuke thousands of blogs, 90% of which belong to trans women, 10% of which belong to people speaking out to protect trans women and then say "it's okay, I have gay, lesbian and transgender male friends" then I am not deleting blogs of the entire LGBT community because most LGBT blogs on this website are unaffected. I'm also not dehumanizing or discriminating against the entire LGBT community. I'm not sending a message that the entire LGBT community bothers me.

I'm sending the message that I think it's ha-ha funny to target one specific LGBT demographic and none of the others.

Now that may seem random of him. Maybe this makes some people think: "the CEO of the self-proclaimed queerest place on the internet maybe is sending a message to all queer people by targetting a random subgroup".

But there's a wider cultural precedent to believe otherwise.

Trans men don't have their own Michfest: some big gay male event that tries to keep trans men out at all costs. The wider men's rights community is not intertwined with the queer community the way the feminist community is, so if a splinter group of MRAs or MGTOW suddenly had their transgender panic moment and decided to write "The Transsexual Empire Part 2" it would not come from the mouths of a the queer male equivalent of a "political lesbian" or "lesbian separatist". It was a trans woman (Sylvia Rivera) who tried to speak to a crowd of angry cis queers in 1972, trying to stop them from throwing her under a bus. She tried to kill herself the night after that speech and then spent 20 years in obscurity. 20 years in which mainstream "feminist" (TERF) opinion on trans women dominated the mainstream discourse in the queer community. These opinions didn't make transmascs or cis crossdressers out to be dangerous predators, they made trans women out to be patriarchal infiltrators of the only spaces (queer spaces, feminist spaces) that accepted them at a time when the rest of society regressed in its opinions on queerness (AIDS crisis).

When you read essays like "Hot Allostatic Load" or "Black Hot Allostatic Load" about transfems that get accused of being predators and have no recourse, with the entire queer community around them excluding them based on hearsay, you might think those stories are somehow not trustworthy, that the author is lying through her teeth to make herself look better. But these stories are credible precisely because they fit this larger cultural context: TERFs used to own the label "radical feminist". A radical feminist was by definition against trans women predators.

Even in the 90s and 00s, there was no voice for these women and non-binary people. When earlier this year a trans man literally wrote a pickup artist article describing how trans men are seen as harmless, non-dangerous men and can exploit that with trans women? That's a pretty clear sign this culture never went away, just as Black Hot Allostatic Load is. These essays illuminate the shadows that TERFism still throws on the perception not of cis male crossdressers or transmascs, but of transfems.

I don't know the Tumblr CEO, but I know that there are progressives who simply suspect that transgender people are self-deluded. Who therefore think that trans women are likely to be male predators. Who jump on chances they think will prove this.

"idk if cis people can tell someone they think is a femme queer man from a trans woman."

I don't know if Islamophobes realize Sikhs aren't Muslims. Sikhs have died from Islamophobia. A Sikh man was assassinated as revenge days after 9/11.

Do Drag Queens who are cis men get killed by transphobes? Of course! Have femme gay men been called tranny or experienced transphobia and transmisogyny? Sure.

Does that mean that Islamophobia really revolves around Sikhs or that transmisogynistic narratives about "men who think they're women" are directed at femme queer men? Does J.K. Rowling think much about femme queer men, based on her insane ramblings on Twitter? Does she spend money to stop femme queer men, because she doesn't understand the difference?

Transphobia is, in fact, real. Transmisogyny is, in fact, real. Transandrophobia is, in fact, real. Binarism is, in fact, real.

These social forces target specific groups. The words don't always fit reality neatly, sometimes the social forces work a bit different than we'd expect.

But yeah, femme queer guys are in danger these days. Even from transphobes and transmisogynists. But that doesn't mean they aren't, in many ways, not the intended target. Many Islamophobes would rather shoot a mosque than a Sikh temple and some wouldn't care, but none choose the Sikh temple unless (because they don't care) it was conveniently closer to them or something.

"no one thinks a man in the women's bathroom has good intents unless he has kids or something and even then these days i have personally watched fights happen in retail stores over this."

Ok do you think a trans woman with kids would ever be or have been fine using a female bathroom unless nobody clocks her? like that's my whole point

Are you seriously doubting that cis men ever got away with things transfem people didn't? WTF

"hmm the experimenting with femininity thing ("why do you think cis men just experiment with femininity? there are cis men who are gnc until the day they die. they were there at stonewall and they're still around?") was for you saying this:

So while you might be a man (or non-binary person) experimenting with femininity, transphobes are going to try and figure out whether you are what they think of as a "fake",

Look. Cis men are not a monolith. Some cis men crossdress for life. Transphobes/transmisogynist bigots hate them and are violent to them.

But people who oppose crossdressing have a broader anxiety: about the dangers crossdressing causes to existing gender roles or to perceptions of gender. They fear a world were gender roles aren't what they used to be or what they still are or (in the case of TERFs) they paint the picture of a feminist movement infiltrated by men pretending to be women who stop feminism from advancing and pose a constant danger to women.

This fear of crossdressers belays an even deeper fear: what if people forget what gender even is? What if they abandon what it is supposed to mean? What if men say they are women and vice versa? What if "gender confusion" overtakes society. "A world were men are women or women are men" is according to them a world were up is down and down is up.

Sometimes, these groups will target crossdressers: like Drag Queen Story Hour or like the genocidal legal efforts in Florida.

But often, these groups have it out for "gender ideology". Leading right-wing figures wanted to rebrand the "drag queens" as "trans strippers". That's not a coincidence. It's not an accident. They thought it would make people more fearful and angry. More hateful.

Cis crossdressers who crossdress for life are, of all cis people, the most directly affected by transphobia.

But that's like saying "Sikhs that go visit Mosques weekly and have a deep affinity for Islam are most directly affected by anti-Muslim hatecrime". Does that mean we stop calling it anti-Muslim hatecrime? Stop discussing how crossdressing is part and parcel of transgender culture? And how transgender culture evokes the larger fear?

Should we really ignore the impact of decades of TERFs spreading "male crossdresser bathroom predator" myths, when suddenly trans women find their Tumblr accounts deleted or when trans male pickup artists reveal that they live in a queer bubble of people who only think of trans men as safe men (and presumably think of trans women as unsafe women).

TERFs spew rhetoric that often excludes cis men who crossdress from their anger! Is that a guarantee of safety? Of course not! But it does have effects. If you think cis male crossdressers have targets on their backs, you'd be right. But if that thought is taken to mean that trans women are not more vulnerable than those cis men, that's taking the idea way too far. Transphobes want trans people. They don't think crossdressing is gender confusion, they think gender identity is gender confusion. They think gender confusion will end society, they don't think "changing fashion" (crossdressing) will end society. Do transphobes often blur the lines and call crossdressers groomers? Sure, and Islamophobes often blur the lines and go on furious rants about Mohammed's child bride in front of confused Sikhs. The target is trans people / Muslims. The victims (and sometimes the secret target) is also everyone they can hurt who is similar to their target. But don't tell me that the main purpose of transmisogyny is to hurt queer femme guys. Or that the main purpose of it is to hurt cis male crossdressers who crossdress for life. They get hurt, they get killed, they matter. But they are not in the eye of the storm.

"cis men are tme" - I think I have some problems with this idea but I'm not sure they make sense. I don't think cis men as a whole are 100% tme bc. I went to an extremely conservative religious high school. In places like that, being anything close to feminine as a man, even if you were 100% cishet, was absolutely unacceptable. Like you would be bullied by your peers and staff for just. DARING to use a pink pen in class. If that isn't a form of transmisogyny that affects cis men, idk what is.

No one is TME.

[queercomesthesun]

John green being an admirer of Dan's work is so funny to me like, this 40 something distinguished author being slightly starstruck at dan like he actually fully seems to take dan seriously, when i dont think dan takes dan seriously, like, what part of -i am able to drive but I dont have a chair- -instagram stories about dicks- -sexy endscreen dances- did john green take a liking to. I love Dan with all my heart but I dont think john green was ever his target demographic in any shape or form and I love their unlikely mutual awe so funny and endearing