#/nh (at least who follows me)

[obsessivefangirl]

Kinda weird that people go "Billford is canon!!" Even if it was it's insanely abusive???? He did not consent to abuse and manipulation and to be treated like that.

[tavina-writes]

A Practical Discussion of Eligible MDZS Bachelors During the Second Life

So I keep seeing discussions floating around about like "why aren't any of these people married" and "are JC's standards too high?" and other assorted nonsense, so I have decided to put together a ranking of like "if a practical minded historical* woman wanted to get ahead politically with the LEAST amount of #suffering, what rankings would she give these guys." Because I've been really fond of @dangermousie's poll options, I'm calling this girl Potato.

*Historical fantasy more or less given that we assume that Potato is also a cultivator.

Jiang Cheng There are many reasons for this but 1) Jiang Cheng's in-laws consist entirely of (1) bratty nephew who doesn't even live at his house full time, 2) there are no other meddling in laws or sect elders given that Jiang Cheng is the only one! 3) he is reasonably good looking, well off, and has social status by this point in the story. Potato can probably win over a bratty nephew! Downsides include: if Potato doesn't like spicy foods oh dear, but honestly we don't know what Potato's spice tolerance is so it could still work out!

Nie Huaisang: Being married to NHS would be an exercise in perpetual embarrassment, and it's unclear if his budget line items ever since Da-ge died are any more detailed than "Summertime Sadness." There are worse people to marry, but why anyone (including Potato) would willingly choose to marry NHS for political benefit eludes me. He is ranked higher on this list than any Lan largely for the sake of "his mom was probably not in solitary confinement" and "there are likely no dietary restrictions present in his house." but the other downsides include "he's probably going to go INSANE" at some point but silver lining on that front is that he's really not a very good cultivator, so it probably won't be as bad as NMJ's insanity bender? Potato could rank him lower than any Lan options tbh.

Lan Xichen There are also many reasons why Mr. Zewu-jun is not an ideal marriage candidate for practical reasons but this largely has to do with his family. There's 33 favorite grandpas who seem to have opinions on the regular. The in-law trouble would suck tremendously. There's 5am wakeup calls and 9pm bedtimes and no meat or alcohol. There's like between 3000-4000 rules Potato will have to remember and actually follow! His mom spent her entire married life mysteriously in solitary confinement. #Yikes!

This seems like an unwise place to marry into. Potato could do better.

Lan Wangji See above except for the part where he doesn't even like Potato and only thinks about WWX all day.

Lan Qiren I am uncertain about Potato's investment in #HotDilfsInLocalArea but 3000-4000 rules and many of Zewu-jun's problems.

Jin Guangyao He's already married and he's never cheating on his incest marriage, and he has his ex's head in his bedroom closet. Also #Yikes. Potato could do better than this too.

Basically: Potato should either aim to marry Jiang Cheng or go to live as a hermit in the woods.

[dr-duckie]

soooo has anyone thought of a mdzs x svsss transmigration au with shen jiu and meng yao?

i’m not going into detail over their similarities but most people get the idea— brothels, yqy/lxc, spite, villainous antagonists that didn’t deserve what they were put through as a child, late start in cultivation, cunning personality, etc etc

yea.

let me start: shen jiu, one day, is gifted a high quality book set from one of his brothel jiejies when visiting them. at first, shen jiu had no plans to legitimately read them (mostly due to a lack of leisure time), but he eventually got to reading it when he was on a qian cao-mandated break after a qi deviation.

he gets hooked. when SJ is nearing the end of the novel, his thoughts are as followed: JGS deserved to get castrated and his limbs thrown to the endless abyss— WWX, although he was absolutely shameless, he was at least competent— LWJ was a fool for being so in love, but he was moral and loyal— and lan xichen…

an ache forms in shen jiu’s heart whenever he thinks about him. lxc, a man with a gentle, pacifistic, amiable personality who believed in what was right all the way until the end. he wholeheartedly supported and trusted his sworn brother, jin guangyao, until he couldn’t anymore.

shen jiu was touched. lan xichen, that man, had wasted all his efforts on an irredeemable monster. in a similar fashion, yue qingyuan was doing the same.

as for meng yao… shen jiu resented him. he had a loving mother, one who worked so hard for his happiness, only to squander all her efforts. meng yao… had what shen jiu envied the most in the newest disciple he just brought in. luo binghe. imo, it would be a clear sign of shen jiu’s self hatred projected onto meng yao. he sees the two of them as the hopeless scum of society, too broken to be loved. they were “charity cases” that couldn’t be fixed, no matter what.

soon after shen jiu finishes the novel, he falls into a qi deviation (the very same one that shen yuan transmigrated into) and dies. through some time space dimension jumping, shen jiu lands into the body of one 14 yo meng yao. and that’s just the beginning of his story.

shen jiu starts out by practicing cultivation in secret. meng yao’s body, although he is no prodigy, would definitely benefit from practicing from a younger age. then he gets to planning. with how shen jiu is, he would not step a foot in the karp tower, with a system or not. like, just no. i believe he’d set JGS on fire if he ever had to see the guy. the only plot point shen jiu intends on fulfilling is saving lan xichen, and then living a comfortable life away from the jianghu.

but within a year of living with meng shi in the brothel, shen jiu grows attached to her. he *wants* to make her proud, even if he wasn’t her real son. he was a total impostor. but even so, he didn’t want her legacy to be tainted by the actions of jin guangyao— who was now still meng yao, who is now shen jiu. but he doesn’t want to go to the jin sect. after an arduous process of actual communication with someone for a long time, meng shi realizes that the jin sect wouldn’t be good for her son, and jin guangshan wouldn’t help her *or* meng yao. the night before meng shi dies, she tells shen jiu that she loves him, regardless of whether he may fulfill her dreams.

aaaand, after that, shen jiu buries meng shi. he makes enough money as an artist (in secret, with his skillset from qing jing) to give her the proper burial rites. after that, he runs away. shen jiu finds a job as an assistant to an artist who sold fans and paintings in caiyi town. through his job, he meets NHS first, when he’s on his first year of being st the cloud recesses. surprisingly, shen jiu and nie huaisang have a friendship that… isn’t too bad. shen jiu is amiable, shows off the different fans he’s painted, and nie huaisang eagerly buys all of them. nie huaisang also buys out shen jiu’s other works, like his poetry and short stories. that day, with shen jiu’s qiankun pouch full, he treats himself to tanghulu.

the second encounter with nie huaisang brought along jiang cheng and wei wuxian. at that point in time, they were investigating the waterborne abyss problem. shen jiu, a year older now, shows nie huaisang his “new” invention: the war fan. wei wuxian is absolutely delighted at the new invention, and jiang cheng, although less excited that WWX, is considerably impressed as well. as for NHS, well, words can’t describe his happiness. shen jiu, on a whim, gifts it to him for free— mockingly thanking NHS for being such a generous patron. nie huaisang, unable to contain his excitement anymore, jumps on shen jiu and embraces him dramatically. this causes such a commotion, lan wangji comes over. with his brother.

(okay, i’m done writing for today.)

[fakesimp]

Can i request "S-Stop rising the level u-up-! We're in p-public.. please" full smut for ike (conggratss on the mile stone)

Pleasure, With Ike Eveland

Warning !

Nsfw ; Mentions of toys ; Dom ! Ike ; Established Relationship

A/n !

Alright, here we go, and sankyu for requesting, though I don't know you wanted dom Ike or subby ike so I went with dom ikey ... (⁠•⁠ ⁠▽⁠ ⁠•⁠;⁠)

1k Followers Event Prompts !

"S-stop rising the level u-up-! We're in p-public.. please"

!! Minors DNI !!

➶◜◝➴

It was all from a tease, and then he just bend you over the bed,

"Well then, let' see how long you'll last, älskling"

. . .

And then it starts, both of you are going to the mall. You walking ahead of your Beloved Novelist looking around happily, while him, Ike Eveland walk a few feet behind you. Watching you while smiling like usual, hands in his pockets as he walk.

"So, where do you want to go älskling?" He asked as he followed you, "Well I wAn- nH-?!" You bend over slightly on reflex, you then whip your head to Ike who' staring down at you, smiling innocently.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he walk up to you and gently pat your shoulder, looking a bit worried, his other hand though, is still hidden in his pockets. "Stop fiddling with it-!" You whispered, slightly rising your tone as you look over at him. He owlishly blinked for a few seconds before sliding his arms on your waist and straighten you up, "I won't, for now at least" he whispered and then continue walking with you

. . .

You don't know how long has it been, but Ike. He have been purposely torturing you by rising up the level of the vibrator inside you, because of that you keep on bending over and over each time. Making people stare at you, some confused, some worried, some just. Knew, what's going on.

"S-stop rising the level u-up-! We're in p-public.. please" he chuckled when he heard your plea, and oblige for only a moment before he started fiddling with the remote again.

Right now you're on your way to another shop, you're walking ahead of Ike, like usual. With Ike holding some of your bags behind you, he followed you quietly, "Ikey, do you want a- hn-!" You whip your head at him. Pouting, you're so close from giving up, your legs could barely walk due to how shaky it is. "I give up, Ike.." you whispered the moment he approached you, he went silent for a moment and then he grabbed your hand.

He led you out from the mall to the car, he put the bags at the car trunk, and he like a gentleman he is, he opened the passenger door for you and let you in first. You're already fidgeting all over the place, and him buckling himself on the driver seat, he glances at you.

"10 minutes, give me 10 minutes till we got us back home."

. . .

And exactly like he said he drove both of you back home in 10 minutes, after dropping the bags, you dragged Ike to the bedroom, him just chuckling as you do so. "Want it that bad älskling?" He asked as he gently laid you down on the bed, "That was all your plan though" he said as he stared down at your lower half. "It was just--" before you could finish your sentence, He raised the vibration level up.

"Just?" Ike repeated, as he slides his hand slowly on your stomach, "Hmnh.." whines escaped your lips as his hand roams, "Use your words älskling" he whispered as he start kissing your neck, "Need you.." you whispered as you wrapped your arms round him. He hummed softly as his hand stayed on your waist, "I.. want you.." you bury your face on the crook of his neck.

Ike hummed once again and both of your lips collide, his tongue slides in as soon as you gave him the permission to, and soon your lower half is completely bare, while him still fully clothed. When he pulled away, he glances down, and kissed the corner of your lips, "Relax yourself" he whispered as he slowly pulled out the vibrator out from you, earning a soft whimper escaping your lips.

"Hmm, Good.." his butterfly touches on your inner thigh, making your lower body shiver, he moved himself a bit and placed his lower half right in between your thighs, his hand gently placed on your hips. Thumb moving along your hip, "So ready for me, hm?" He said as his hand slowly moved down to your sex, you stutter out a breath when you felt his cold fingers moved dangerously close.

"P-please.." You stutter out, Ike who was staring down at your wet sex, slowly looked up, he then took off his glasses and put them aside, his hand went up to his bangs and brushed them up, he sighed as he look down at you. "Words älskling" he tighten his grip on your hips a bit, earning a low whine from you.

"Mess me up.."

. . .

Sounds of whimpers, whines, low moans, skin slapping skin, it would be embarrassing to hear but who are you to complain about your Beloved Novelist giving you the pleasure you've wanted.

You glances down at his exposed body, sweating a bit as he thrust his hip to yours, him deep inside you as he litter marks on your body, bites, hickeys. Sometimes you'll hear him let out a small growl, "Ike- IkE-!" Your voice cracked when he thrust his hip one last time, but God he' so deep.

Ike leaned back and breathes heavily, his eyes filled with lust, he smiled softly at you, he gently put his hand on your cheek, "You're doing good for me, älskling.." he said as he then brush his bangs to the back again, "I didn't even remember how many rounds we've been doing" he then start rolling his hips, "EnoUgH- hiEe-! Nngh-" you tried to push him away.

Only earning a chuckle from the Novelist, he gently wrapped his fingers around yours, "This is the last, I promise" he said as he then laid a kiss on your lips, earning a whine from you when he said so. Distracting you with a kiss, before he then thrusts deep for one last time.

"You're doing amazing, Älskling.."

. . .

He walked out from the bathroom and looked over at you who's at the bed, waiting for him, he smiled softly at you as he approached you, "Is your lower half okay?" He asked as he placed a kiss on your forehead, you nod your head and grabbed his hand that he extended towards you. "Okay, let's go bathe together"

Both of you had a bubble bath, his gentle hands moving around your body, him sometimes dropping kisses whenever he could. Of course, not forgetting,

"Love you, älskling.."

©fakesimp . 2023

A/n !

There we go ! I hope you like this !! Sankyu for participating !

( 7/10 )

[vy-canis-melodis]

the following is a blog post, written by tanja, in the Bird HRT universe:

UPDATE and a cancelled article!

Hi all, it's been a long time since my last blog post. Here's the deal; I was in hospital. Long story short, some things went pretty wrong, and here I am, having to deal with a huge backwards step in progress then having had to retrace those steps with additional gooey complications and therapy.

Anyway, here's a journalistic article I was pretty close to finishing and submitting to actual newspapers before everything went down and I had to cancel it.

Rejecting Humanity - Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Just Be Myself

As I write this, I'm sitting in the waiting room of a Hospital cross Research Laboratory in London. By the time you're reading this, I'll have been on my treatment journey for over a year. What treatment, you ask? Well, it's Humanity Removal Therapy. One year ago, I undertook a radical new procedure which slowly transforms you from human to another form. Perhaps you've seen strange creatures out and about; a snow leopard at the supermarket, a dog at the drive-thru, or a tuatara at the thrift shop. Or, perhaps, you haven't; as I write this, the number of patients might not yet have reached triple digits worldwide.

Perhaps I should introduce myself. My name is Tanja ------, and I am an Iberian Azure-winged Magpie, scientific name 'cyanopica cooki'. One year ago, I was fully human, and now I look like a hybrid between our two species. So, let me guide you through my world.

How is this possible?

A little over a year ago, certain medical circles revealed that species transformation had been trialled in mice, turning them into various other creatures, with various success rates from 20 to 80% depending on size and how different the target species was. Now, I'm not for animal testing, but when I heard that human trials were going to open, I kept that pinned to my calendar. And so, after a few months, I was able to finally sign up and have my first interview. Which was… short. Turns out, they had pretty elaborate ways of gatekeeping people who really meant that they wanted it from those that they thought would regret the procedures. They also had a little joke, based on gender HRT, where they would ask if you'd spent years living as your preferred species beforehand. Or at least, I think it was a joke. And then, I was on my way to becoming the bird I love.

How much did it cost?

Well, luckily for me, the NHS provides free healthcare. Then, due to this being a clinical trial, I get paid for being a test subject. Then, due to the effects of the medicine, I receive Disability Benefits. The treatment itself is… a bit of a legal loophole, really. This very article may well be the first you've heard of it.

Is it just a magic pill?

Nope! It's a mix of CRISPR, gene replacement, hormone injections, and surgeries over time. It's a real mishmash, at least in my case. For example, keratinous structures can be grown through selective DNA editing and hormones that stimulate 'hair' growth in specific areas in specific ways. Bone structure can also slowly be altered in some cases through gene replacement, though in some cases, surgery is needed. My back, for example, will soon be undergoing surgery to adjust the way the vertebrae are laid out. Some aspects just are too difficult to be done naturally, and so artificial parts and prosthetics are added. But this complicated procedure has an upside - it means that there is more customisation possible! For example, a Harpy would be a very specific set of applications of Bird HRT that exclude certain aspects such as the face!

Are there downsides?

Definitely. There's the immunosuppression that has to occur to stop new parts from being rejected. There's the high risk of cancers and other diseases to occur as a result of this procedure. There's just the risk that your organs will fail. Most of this is irreversible too.

Why even do it then?

Because, to that small number of people, it's so worth it. This is a new life, an opportunity to discard that uncomfortable human vessel and be yourself at last. For the vast majority of people, being oneself is being human, but that's not the case for everyone.

Is it going to be banned?

Well, that's hard to say. Governments worldwide are, I'm sure, now aware of this phenomenon. And I think it presents a threat to the status quo. This is something new, something scary, something intimidating, that shifts the power balance between subjects and governers. And it's not just because some people have become huge fire-breathing dragons - it's the meaning behind it. They've rejected the very notion of the social contract between humans and crafted a new identity. Do we still count as people? And that's really the question, isn't it. So much of the way government and society works is to split people into groups of those that are 'more' people, and those that are 'lesser' people - and that dictates what societal violences are permissible, for example. This whole new procedure will have to make governments rethink so much, and it can either be a source of worry for us, or a source of hope for everyone. We just have to be loud enough to be heard for who we are.

So what will come next? Well, I'm going to hop on in to my next appointment, and the Earth will keep spinning. My first set of wings has almost reached full-span, and my toe-dexterity is almost at where I was with hands as a human. With my next set of primaries, I may have enough of a wingspan to fly, if I keep my weight low enough. Meanwhile, Parliament will likely have a debate on the issue, as a petition to legalise the procedure has a few thousand signatures on the government's official petition website. I'll be waiting on that result eagerly.

If you have any other questions, I'd be more than willing to answer them!

[anachronismstellar]

NHS post canon

Here we go folks! All the requests for NHS on the Wip Wednesday community!

If you wanna see more of this, don't hesitate to send me an ask! :D Make me write!

@aparticularbandit

He ought to let go of his dark thoughts for now. It wouldn't be a good idea to let his mask slip, even if no one called him “Headshaker" no more, not every one knew the monster that lurked behind it.

The innkeeper brought his bottle, leaving right after with a quick bow, rushing to tend to other tables, the place too busy for him to keep all his attention on Huaisang.

@post-and-out

He had chosen to wear more discreet robes today, but still, there weren’t many cultivators that kept a saber instead of a sword, and even fewer ones that carried a fan like he did. With these two things combined, it wasn’t hard to identify him if one knew what to look for. And people knew what to look for.

@wizisbored

That's precisely the reason why he sat on the far back of the room, not to hide himself, he knew it was useless to try to do so, but to have an ounce of privacy while he waited. If one thing he learned from his revenge was that the Cultivation world was worse than old ladies with gossip; no Sect Leader could sneeze without it being the hot topic for the week. At some point, he had started to fan himself again, slowly sipping his wine, watching the room emptying as time passed by.

@1attheedge

He wasn’t hunting ghosts but hunting nonetheless and would do him no good to expose himself early in the game.

Finally, when he had almost lost hope and left the inn, the room dove into silence, followed by a flood of talking. Whispers of “Lan-gongzi” spread like fire, even so he kept his eyes away from the striking figure dressed in white and blue, pretending not to see him walking straight towards Nie Huaisang's table.

@scifikimmi (Ikr?? I love him too, fav dark gray moral blorbo ♡)

Hn. Maybe finishing a second bottle hasn't been the best idea, he thought as he tried to ignore the tingle in his fingers, the heat burning his stomach. He knew better than to drink so much, especially Emperor's Smile, it left him in a bad mood, resentment dripping from him like a summer rain, but he could only stand so much of Caiyi Town without alcohol to cope.

@whimsicalmeerkat

“Nie-zongzhu.”

Ah. Here we go, then.

Nie Huaisang took a moment to look at the Lan disciple in front of him, keeping his movements sluggish, an aloof smile on his lips. He didn't get up, but he tilted his body deeply forward as a sign of respect.

@disastardly

“Lan-gongzi,” he answered back, gesturing for the other to sit down. “What an honorable surprise. Would you like some tea? This inn has a lovely blend, I believe it is Zewu-jun's favorite.”

@gnomer-denois

The flinch was so honest that Nie Huaisang almost felt bad for the boy. Well, not actually a boy anymore. The kid had grown up to be a fine man, and probably he would be a very good Sect Leader, some day from what Huaisang had heard.

@agent-p-94

“Nie-zongzhu, with all due respect, I only came here to understand the meaning of this,” then he threw a sheet of paper on the table, the good quality and weight making it land on the wood with a soft thump. Huaisang stared as his own handwriting, not bothering to read the content but searching for any clues of it being altered somehow. Not that he believed that any person from the Lan Clan would do anything to it. It would certainly break at least ten rules if they did so. But. Well.

@lizhly

(no regrets no mercy >:) but who knows, this talk might help him with all the resentment! lol)

Old habits die hard, don't they, San-ge? “I'm glad to help, Lan-gongzi. Which part didn't you understand?” “EVERYTHING!” he shouted in the most un-Lan manner Nie Huaisang had ever seen.

And that's all for NHS pos Canon! Where am I going with this? No idea! Was I planning to add poor Lan Jingyi to NHS mess? Nope! But I love him and I wanna try my hand at a more mature LJY.

BTW, MDZS has a lot of honorifics and cultural aspects that I only know from watching the live action and the animation. I did a lot of research, but this is my first time writing for the fandom. If I need to change anything or if there's any Mandarin/cultural mistakes, please let me know!

[allthelittlecreepycrawlies]

War:

Qinghe is burnt down instead of the cloud Recesses and MY rescues NHS instead of LXC

I'm going to combine this with your other one:

"Free day: NHS and MY are both captured by the Wen during the Sunshot Campaign"

because they kinda fit together into a neat little timeline.

------------

"Let him go! He didn't know anything!"

Frozen at the point of a sword, Meng Yao could only stare as his traveling companion -and the target of the raiding party- angrily, desperately tried to argue for his life.

It had only been a month and a half since he'd turned north after his humiliating visit to Koi Tower, following rumors that, of all the sects, the Nie Sect of Qinghe was his best bet for actually becoming a cultivator instead of a mere grunt.

It had only been a month since he'd reached the Unclean Realms only to find their sect leader and most combat capable residents clashing with an invasion party as the half of the buildings that weren't made of stone burned around them in a tableau of chaos.

Since he'd gotten swept up among the evacuees as they scattered to take refuge among the trees they, apparently mostly locals, knew better than their attackers.

One of them, a stranger his size mostly shrouded in a heavy hooded cloak, had jerked him out of the way of a horse's charge, only for the bank to give way under them and send them tumbling into the river.

He had popped out of the water immediately, but his rescuer had much more trouble, the cloak that had kept him hidden now threatening to drag him under thanks to all the extra weight it had soaked up. Without thinking, he'd gone for the only blade he'd had on him, a small knife, and cut the laces holding the hood closed so they could get away and find a place to hide.

It had only been three and a half weeks since he'd learned the identity of the stranger, the exchanging of pleasantries held off until they were sure they were -at least relatively- safe.

Since he'd learned he had, however accidentally, rescued the actual little brother of the Nie sect leader, a boy two years younger than himself and more than a little agitated about the fates of his kin and friends.

Who had, without any suspicion or hesitation, handed him more silver than his mother made in a month in gratitude for the rescue and tried to smile and promise he'd be fine even as tears streamed down his face.

And was now trying to claim they had nothing to do with each other besides meeting on the road to Yunping by chance.

It had technically been true a month ago, but the Wen cultivators didn't seem to care about truth, nor technicalities, nor anything of the sort. They just cared about whatever hostage situation they could make out of Nie Huaisang, and he was nothing more than a worthless bonus.

"Just throw him in, too, if it'll shut the little bitch up."

The sword pointed at his throat moved away, so at least he wasn't going to die yet... though the little wooden cage in the back of a wagon he was tossed into wasn't a whole lot better, the two of them stuck curled up back to back to fit.

As the wagon started to move, a trembling hand took hold of his.

"Sorry," Nie Huaisang murmured too quietly for the Wen cultivators to hear over the wagon wheels. "You should have just taken the silver and left me."

Meng Yao closed his eyes and swallowed hard, then laced his fingers with the other boy's and squeezed. He couldn't give much more answer than that, unsure of what to say, but it seemed to be enough.

There was nothing else to do but hope they'd get out of this; that one month of fear and furtive travel from one hiding place to another wouldn't end up being all they knew of each other.

[accessible-tumbling]

At source, the thread continues:

I follow/am followed by a lot of trans or trans-adjacent folks, but I have no idea how many people who follow me don't really know any trans people, and who, on seeing the rising hysteria about trans people, feel that maybe there really is something to worry about.

Maybe they feel no hostility to trans people, but have been led to believe that there are 'reasonable concerns' to be addressed, or that they are 'just asking questions'. At least one of my followers follows Cambridge Radical Feminists network, an openly trans-hostile group.

So if you're trans, or an ally, CW for transphobia and sadness here, maybe don't read this. But if you are feeling a bit 'on the fence' I'm begging you, listen to those of us telling you things are really bad here, and getting worse.

Neither my niece or my nephew were brought up with 'traditional gender roles'. My husband is the virtuoso cook in our household, and we have loads of pictures of both 'nephews' cooking with him. My niece wore her hair long, because she liked it long, and hated haircuts.

Her favourite colour is purple, so it featured a lot in her wardrobe, but I think because no fixed ideas of what it meant to 'be a boy' were imposed on her or her self-expression, gender was just a shrug to her. Until puberty hit, and suddenly she was very uncomfortable.

She was a bit grouchy and withdrawn, and began to act out at school. Not surprising for a kid in their early teens to be moody and challenging, not the stuff of newspaper headlines. We just took it in stride. Then a few months later it all came together - she was a girl.

We swapped pronouns, and once she decided on a new name, adopted that (it's a lovely choice!). My happy, goofy, animated little weirdo came back out of her shell. Her school friends are wonderful and supportive (we had a 'Gender Repeal' party where they brought hand made cards!

But getting healthcare, counselling and support for her was another story. Obviously we all had questions around whether this was a phase, or perhaps a stepping stone to something else - nonbinary identity, or just life as a boy who was quite gender-nonconforming.

These aren't things we are qualified to help her work through! Also, if in time and with a good counsellor it is established with certainty that yes, she is a trans girl, then we want her to have a therapist to help her with her feelings around that.

It's not an easy path through life, and it would be reasonable to have some anger, some 'why me' feelings, or some fears about that. We really want her to have that support.

We also wanted to have puberty blockers for her. She had expressed a desire for them, and it would buy her some time to think about what she wants from her future and her body without the pressure of a body that is changing in ways that are deeply distressing to her.

Since the Tavistock closed, there is no Gender Identity service on the NHS to refer her into. The new system is expected to open with a three year wait list. Her friends won't get their first appt until they are around 17 or 18.

We got her blockers privately. It's challenging because not all GPs will agree to share care with private services, so you're always hopping between two systems. It's not cheap either. Just over £100 a month. Not a lot of families have that going spare right now.

She had a fantastic youth club for LGBT+ kids that has been such a fantastic source of support. Their windows have been smashed more than once. Newspapers regularly talk about the threat trans women pose to us. There was even a debate about it in Parliament. It's hostile here.

At the beginning of the year, when Gary Lineker was being hauled over the coals for suggesting our government's narrative around targets of hatred was akin to 1930s Germany, the kids' parents offered them to move to Canada. Their dad texted us to say they seemed keen.

Canada has a better healthcare system for trans people, and there, my niece can change her gender officially with a minor bit of paperwork. Nowhere right now is perfect, but it's better.

So today, my niece and nephew left their home, their friends, their school, and most of their family to seek a better life away from the UK, which has become intolerably hostile.

I'm relieved. Canada is lovely. Travel broadens the mind. They are charismatic, kind, engaging kids. They will make new friends.

But we won't get their formative teenage years back, with them living ten minutes' cycle away. They won't get homework on my couch after school.

They won't get time with their dad or their grandparents, except for holidays. They won't play frisbee with their uncle, or go kayaking with me after school. We will be half a world away, hoping for the best.

This is the cost of the rising tide of transphobia. Lineker was right. Having a chunk of your family uproot for their safety and wellbeing while being victimised by your government probably does feel reminiscent of 1930s Germany.

I encourage you to scratch a little deeper at the 'just asking questions' brigade, at JK Rowling's desire to just 'protect women and girls'. That protection doesn't extend to my niece. The questions about her personhood left her without counselling, support or healthcare.

And one day, when she is not a trans child but a trans woman, I don't want her living somewhere that her identity is constantly sharing space with 'just asking questions about rapists', 'dangerous men in dresses', or discourse around whether she is allowed to pee outside her home.

The anti-trans brigade shares space, and a great deal of its ideals with fascism. Nazis attend their rallies. They quote Hitler. The policing of identity, the reinforcement of gender norms, the intense focus on fertility - all straight out of the fash playbook.

And those pressing for the marginalisation of a minority, squeezing them out of public life, pillorying them in the press, ruining their public standing - they don't stop there. Other targets for hate *will* emerge, if left unchecked.

One of the most famous images of Nazi book burning is from the looting of Magnus Hirschfeld's Institute of Sexology, which was leading research in trans and gay identities/sexualities at the time.

And fascist powers don't start with laws that say things like 'kill all the Jews'. They are worded as positives. The first anti-Jewish law was 'Law for the Restoration of the Professional Civil Service' barring Jewish and 'politically unreliable' people from service.

(You can read more about anti-Jewish legislation here)

So when you see things framed as 'protecting women and girls' and 'defending women's sex-based rights' (surely things *no one* reasonable can disagree with!) ask yourself protect *from who* and *at whose expense*.

As we are left behind in a nation that is increasingly demonising foreigners and turning on its own, I am left with the thought experiment we were all given at school, 'What would *you* have done if you had lived in that place, at that time?'

Now is the place and the time.

Please, do something.

[houseofbrat]

Seeing as he’s benefitted so much from this flexible working opportunity, is he going to come out and champion this for the general public? Acknowledging his privilege would go a long way here I think. People can’t help what they’re born into but they can do a lot with the platform they’re given.

I wonder if he will do that as well. As it seems another PR fiasco waiting to happen. The Queen was dying of cancer but had all her children working full time.

Whenever articles like this come out I am reminded of what Wills was like when he actually had to work and had weeks off at a time to the dismay of his colleagues.

‘He’s hardly ever on shift. He was very enthusiastic to begin with but it tailed off. It’s supposed to be four on, four off but with the Duke it’s more off than on. He had at least four weeks off over Christmas, which has to be staffed the same as normal weeks. It’s fine that he gets a bit of special treatment but it’s beginning to really annoy some people. The rumour is that he’s just a bit bored of it.’ ”

And then the royal household shot back at claims we was lazy by saying he needed mandatory rest days for his job resulting in the Civil Aviation Authority having to shoot back and saying “When they are having rest days their time is their own, and they can do what they want, including carrying out royal duties.”

I can’t imagine this level of unprofessionalism.

The whole thing I’ve felt about this is what a stark contrast it is to the plebs they rule over - from preventative chemo when we have people waiting months on the NHS (from personal experience experience - I had a scam last year to see if I have a form of gynaecological cancer. I was told the scan was clear. Last month I was told that the scan was actually inconclusive and needs redoing as they couldn’t see the part the needed to but no one told me until nearly a year later) to partners who get punished for taking time off work to care for a loved one.

I understand that they are rich and powerful enough to do what they want. But it’s rather galling to see such a stark contrast between ruler and subject.

He really does seem like he’s not interested in the whole thing doesn’t he?

He's only interested in the income and power that comes with it, he'll never give it up he's spent his whole adult life trying to do as little as possible. The moment he got access to the Prince of Wales duchy $ he was no longer beholden to his father and can now redefine expectations. The bar has been set pretty low and he has the British Tabloid Media propping him up and running PR for him, there's also evidence that they spend a fair chunk of cash employing bots online propping them up and attacking anyone who says anything negative. Between the BTM and the royal sychophants he's been getting away with it and will continue to. Countdown 3,2,1 to one of those sycophants leaving me a comment .....

I think he should have to follow around people who have to keep working while also caregiving for sick or elderly family members while also juggling raising kids and keeping up on other obligations. I’m sure he would be shocked — most of us can’t step back to the extent he gets to do so. As the future king, he should understand the lives of the majority of the people. Read the room.

Considering their work is mostly just turning up and being “seen”. How exactly is work from home gonna help anyone?

He’s going to do some twitch streaming.

I just learned that 600 organizations sponsored by QE2 have not yet been taken over.  Some are very important but there are no signs of any restructuring, selection and elimination plans.  People criticize W for this instead of C because W is the one who shows no interest in continuing to show up and sponsor organizations.  William currently only works as Chairman, managing the principality and two projects Earthshot and Housing for the Homeless.  W does not take over King Charles' projects like he is PoW, so King is basically overloaded and cannot take over anymore. 

If he wants to work without being seen, then the real question is what type of "behind the scenes work" is he actually doing? Because every time he talks about a topic in public, he only seems to speak popular talking points that even someone without knowledge can say. He doesn't speak like someone who really knows the topic of discussion in depth.

That's why Earthshot being a "passion project" is laughable. His speeches are so shallow. It's the same with Kate and Early Years and those lame five questions that took some ten years to come up with. Everything they say is like a total no-brainer. So, what work are they really doing behind the scenes?

I think people whose spouses have cancer should be able to take health leave and its v sad for people who live in a country where they can't. But I would give him a lot more grace if he and Kate weren't famously Duchess Dolittle and Workshy William. This has been a habit for years. Its not like Anne got sick and disappeared from public life

Yep. He has been on Easter holiday since March 23 to April 17. Plus, January entirely off. It doesn't look good.

My friend has breast cancer (we’re in the UK). She’s having chemo and is the same age as Kate. She has to have fairy major surgery after the chemo and has had to go back to work because she has to save her sick leave for the recovery from the operation. This is during chemotherapy. This country is completely broken and lacks compassion for everyone (like most of the Western World) but then expects an exception to be made for the royal family who are loaded and don’t even use the NHS and have an enormous amount of monetary resources.

I have huge compassion for Kate. I think she’s been incredible over a long period of time in a job I would absolutely loathe personally (whether people say she wanted the gig or not) - but I don’t think William has had her back very much recently from what I can see objectively, particularly over the recent PR debacle. And, being honest, I wonder why that is. I think we’re fed total BS by the press over who these people really are.

I don’t think you can be raised like William or Harry and have any kind of perspective. It’s just logical that you can’t. They had a terrible childhood to be honest. And there are people who hold responsibility for that.

But yes, absolutely, if Kate wants him there, he should be allowed to support his family, no questions asked. I just wonder if she really does?

Can someone who knows actually share what his duties are and how he can work while not being seen?

Can someone who knows actually share what his duties are and how he can work while not being seen?

He looks at the country with somber frowns on his face and in return the country looks back at him with approving nods. That is what we call a symbiotic relationship.

How quickly William forgets the way he and Kate were ripped apart prior to the great Sussex Split.  He can do what he wants, but this is inevitably not going to go well and he is definitely no longer a young and handsome sympathetic figure.

Yeah that one reporter said it perfectly when they were speculating about why Will didn’t go to that funeral that William feels he can do what he likes because the press let’s him get away with everything.

"Working from home"? How stupid do they think people are? waits to see the defense(s) royalists come up with

Is she sicker than anticipated? Because Charles seems to have actual cancer versus "cancer was present" and "preventative chemo," and he is "working" more than William.

Also, don't forget that Camilla has also been out and about and "working," during his treatments.

Something is weird.

The press’s analysis of him is willfully ignorant as usual. It used to be the kids, now it’s Kate’s diagnosis. Will is telling us his approach to royal “work” is not and will not be the same as the King or Queen Elizabeth. This is his plan for the monarchy.

They've been doing it since he left Eaton. It's one invented excuse after another. Anything to excuse his refusal to do any royal "work" so they don't have to criticize him, and he can keep his "Golden Boy" image.

let him enjoy a normal college experience!

he's only in his 20s! He's got time!

He's an ambulance pilot, let him have fun with that for a bit!

He's not the heir! He's only the son of the heir!

he just got married!

He's only in his 30s! He's got time!

he has babies at home!

he has small children at home!

he's not the King, his father is!

His wife has cancer!

What's next?

Will is telling us his approach to royal “work” is not and will not be the same as the King or Queen Elizabeth.

Mmhmm well the press and royalists' response to Will telling them he' would rather be a lazy, hands off King is for him to reconsider his entitlement and privilege - reality check for this 40 something year old Prince

Bingo. Start as you mean to go on...which means doing nothing and collecting taxpayer money while you do it.

William’s work ethic is going to be a catalyst to reform the UK government :/ EII had to be seen to be believed - William believes in not being seen? The republicans will gain momentum with a King who does nothing.

To repeat what I said a month or so ago when they claimed William was focused on “his work, not social media:” what work?

[damnesdelamer]

The other day on the picket line, I saw a former lecturer of mine, and we got talking. We talked about institutional antisemitism, government corruption, the degradation of trade union power, misused funds, deportation of immigrants, and a view he has that Britain has become increasingly polarised in recent years.

He, a staunch liberal ruefully engaged in industrial action, was on the same page as me when it came to identifying years of Tory power and privatisation as one of - if not the - most significant causes of these problems. However, he seemed to view it all as springing up from nothing, essentially denying that it has been an ongoing trend at least since the Thatcher years.

I asserted that everyone knows that the dissolution of Britain’s public services, such as the NHS, was an ongoing project of privatisation, to which he replied - and I quote - ‘Everyone who reads the Guardian knows, maybe, but not everyone else.’ Such a weird form of elitism and classism, but alas all too common. He seemed a bit confused about whether the far right were more out in the open today than they were once upon a time though. For, on the other hand, he claimed, Thatcher would never have attempted to deport immigrants to Rwanda en masse (I assured him she would have loved to, if she hadn’t been busy destroying Welsh and Irish and working class and queer lives).

So are the far right more open and emboldened now than in his rose-tinted 1980s youth, or more obfuscated from the view of the vulgar masses? Perhaps his liberal psyche is simply unwilling to look at its own reflection in the mirror.

‘We can’t just say “these people are evil” and re-allocate funds into the NHS, that’s not the solution’, he said.

‘Well that is a solution actually’, I replied. It may not be a perfect solution to every associated problem, I continued, but it definitely solves the problem we were discussing: the privatisation and degradation of public services such as the NHS. I also pointed out that I’m not sure we need to explicitly declare these people, the Tories let’s say, are evil in order to bring about practical change. They are of course evil, but at a certain point it’s just optics.

‘None of us understands economics well enough to know whether that money is really available...’ he lamented. This threw me; I am by no means an economist, but it is really not a complicated point to recognise that the Tories are both pocketing the money for which they sell off our public services, and that public funds are nevertheless squandered on initiatives that are inhumane and which even the staunchest liberal recognises as harmful. Things like military arms and refugee deportations and collapsing political parties and royal family paedophile defence maintenance. None of us voted for any of these; we didn’t even vote our last four Prime Ministers into their initial terms. But that money does exist, and it is our due, not theirs.

In truth, I am not entirely clear on why he claimed redistributing funding wasn’t a solution, but I believe he was suggesting that it would be undemocratic to make such a massive change. Nevermind the fact that the situation we’re in, and have been for over a decade, if not my entire life, is fundamentally undemocratic. As long as I’ve drawn breath, the ruling classes have been selling off and pocketing our public services at every opportunity, and that includes the New Labour of Blair, not just the Tories.

The more we talked, his vague, non-committal opposition to the forcible seizure of state apparatus to serve the people to whom it is due (and for whom it was established in the years after WWII), and his wet assertion that these things ought to follow some imagined due process, it all pushed me to call him out. We were both comrades on the picket line that day, so I wasn’t as confrontational as I may have been otherwise. All I said initially was ‘well that’s a very liberal view, isn’t it.’

‘Well, I’m a liberal, what can I do?’ he said.

‘Push further to the left!’ said I, finally losing patience. That’s all any of us can do. Push. Push each other; push ourselves; push the movement. And keep on pushing.

[edosianorchids901]

Cheerful Comedy

@flashfictionfridayofficial prompt - "Comedian's Night"

“Well, that was certainly… edifying,” Aziraphale said uncertainly, still staring at the telly screen with a mostly puzzled look. “Granted, I’m not entirely sure why some of the jokes were funny…”

“Nh, some of them are really specific to the time period. And America.” Awkward, Crowley slid a hand through his hand. “I get pretty much all of ‘em, but that’s because I’ve been watching this since it first aired.”

Still with a slight frown, Aziraphale picked up the complete Golden Girls DVDs and examined them. “I thought it was rather rude of those people at the hot dog place to make, um…”

“Dorothy,” Crowley supplied.

“To make Dorothy participate in birthday rituals that she wasn’t interested in.”

“I mean, that was kinda the point. The people who ran the hot dog place were obnoxious arseholes, and Dorothy wasn’t putting up with it.” Maybe picking this for their date night had been a bad idea. Comedy night sounded great in concept, but it wasn’t working out so well. “Dorothy’s cool. And tough.”

“I see.” Biting his lip, Aziraphale shuffled through the seasons, looking at the front of each case. “She doesn’t seem the sort to appreciate a silly little hot dog restaurant like that, or a surprise birthday celebration. Why did Rose pick something that her friend wouldn’t like?”

“Well, Rose… thought she was doing something great for Dorothy, something they could enjoy together.” Crowley gave a desperate grin and a tempting sway. “She was just wrong, s’ all. Misjudged what Dorothy would think.”

Aziraphale blinked. “And that’s funny?”

“Er.” Gosh, was this what it was like to be Rose? Rose had always reminded Crowley more of Aziraphale than anyone else, in a really endearing way. But maybe he’d misjudged that, too. “Sorry, angel. I guess it’s not that funny. Why don’t we watch something else?”

“Oh, no! I don’t mean that, dear boy.” Gently, Aziraphale took Crowley’s hands and squeezed. “I’m just trying to understand better, that’s all. I know this show is very important to you. I, um… may have misjudged a bit.”

Now Crowley was confused. He tilted his head, frowning. “How so?”

“Well, I thought that asking questions about it would come across as showing an interest in something you care about.” Aziraphale chuckled, expression soft with affection. “Afraid I may have come across a bit too critical. I enjoyed it very much.”

Crowley gave a skeptical look. Golden Girls had always made him feel better, and sharing it left him more vulnerable than he liked. He liked to be cool and tough, not flustered. “You only laughed like… twice in the whole episode. I don’t think it’s really your style of comedy.”

“Why don’t we instead say that it’s not a style of comedy I’ve had all that much experience with?” Still smiling, Aziraphale kissed Crowley’s hands, then let go in favor of snuggling closer to him on the sofa. “And besides, even if I didn’t understand all of the jokes and such, I truly did enjoy it immensely. How could I not?”

“I really am not following right now, angel.” Which also left him feeling much less cool and tough than he liked, although at least the anxiety was easing now. Aziraphale was generally honest with him these days.

“It’s like how you’re perfectly happy to listen to me read Regency romance aloud even though you find it silly, or take me to see Hamlet repeatedly even though you think it’s an awful, dreary play.” Aziraphale brushed a light kiss to his cheek. “You enjoy it because you like to see me enjoying myself. Seeing me happy makes you happy.”

“That’s definitely true.” Relaxing a little, Crowley wrapped his arm around Aziraphale’s shoulders and hugged him close. “And at least you definitely can’t accuse Golden Girls of being dreary. It’s cheerful.”

“It is very cheerful, dear boy. And truly, I love seeing you so cheerful as well.” Raising one hand, Aziraphale skimmed his fingers across Crowley’s cheek, then down to trail along his jaw. “You’re so often stressed and rather grim, even these days. I can’t think of anything better than seeing you so freely laughing, smiling, and making little jokes of your own. You look so innocent when you’re watching this lovely little show.”

“Nnnnnrng.” Cheeks going hot, Crowley buried his face in Aziraphale’s soft curls. “Don’t say that. M’ a demon.”

“Mhm. But still.” Aziraphale hugged him, then gently pushed him back and placed the remote in his hand. “Here. Show me more.”

It was still hard to be vulnerable, even now that they spent almost every waking moment together. But Crowley draped his arm around Aziraphale’s shoulders again and leaned back, then hit play. As long as they were both having fun, that was all that mattered.

[kaesaaurelia]

human things and demon things

For @whumptober day 2, using the prompts "delirium," "They don't care about you," and the lyric prompt, "I'll call out your name, but you won’t call back."

Continued from Day 1, wherein Crowley definitely did not move into the bookshop, took a nap on the couch afterwards, and when he woke up his lungs hurt and he passed out.

Muriel was aware that they weren't technically supposed to be helping Crowley, because he was a demon, and therefore The Adversary. But he had been so nice to them and brought in all those lovely things earlier -- plants, he'd called them, and something called a statue. Muriel had been very curious about the statue until Crowley told them not to be, at which point they had of course stopped wondering about it.

(They hadn't, really. They had tried very hard! But it was difficult to stop wondering about things. They felt a bit bad about that.)

Anyway, apparently what he was doing was not Sleep, which had looked very peaceful, and that made a lot of sense, actually, because what he was doing now was extremely not peaceful. "Fuck off," he muttered as Muriel engaged a minor miracle allowing them to scoop up the twitching demon from the floor. "'Mnot going."

"Not going where?" they asked, wondering who they ought to bring him to.

"Heaven. I'm not going, I'm not gonna be an angel again, I won't go," said Crowley.

"I don't think I have the authority to do that," said Muriel, but then Crowley twitched and tried to wriggle free, and they had to work to keep hold of him. "This would really be much easier, actually, if you didn't do that?" they said hopefully, but Crowley did not seem to care about that. Which did follow; he was a demon, and so of course he would be working to thwart everything Muriel did. But also, Muriel was trying to help him, specifically.

Now Crowley was muttering something about Aziraphale. Muriel couldn't quite make out what he was saying, but he sounded like he was talking to Aziraphale. And Aziraphale definitely wasn't here.

Crowley had said that Sleep generally involved not being aware of exactly what was going on, of maybe even having… strange and imaginative ideas, and experiencing things that weren't happening. Muriel thought it all sounded very unsettling, but that was demons for you, probably. Perhaps this new, not-good thing Crowley was doing was not Sleep, but Sleep-like, in that he was experiencing things that weren't happening?

They decided that perhaps someone who had a greater understanding of Earth Things would be able to help, because if this un-Sleep he was doing was a different thing they did on Earth, maybe a human would recognize it, and would know how to make him stop doing it. So they went to the nearest human they could think of, the one that had all those flat black things that made music if you knew how to coax it out of them.

When Maggie saw them come in through the door, she looked up cheerfully and then her face went extremely not cheerful very fast. Muriel felt like probably they should have not let that happen, but they weren't sure how. "What's happened to him?"

"I don't know," said Muriel, "but it's not Sleep, he said so before he fell."

"He fell?" Maggie asked. "Come on, put him down… somewhere, how are you even carrying him?"

Oh. Was that unusual? "I, um. As a human police officer --"

"Sweetheart, we all know you're an angel," said Maggie.

"…Oh," said Muriel.

"Sorry. It was a bit obvious you weren't human, though. Most humans don't introduce themselves as humans?"

"Oh," Muriel said again, a bit perplexed by this. Why wouldn't they? Humans were so odd. "Well. Um. As, a, not-human, non-police-officer… it's a miracle?"

"Fuck miracles," muttered Crowley.

"Well, at least he's still himself," said Maggie. "Crowley, can you hear me?"

"Nh. 'Ziraphale let me go," he demanded.

"I think he thinks I'm Aziraphale," said Muriel.

"Oh no. That's very awkward. Here, put him on the countertop," she said, moving some things over so that he would fit. "I guess he must still be breathing. I don't really know a lot about… demon things."

"Neither do I!" said Muriel, putting Crowley down. "There, I've put you down. Also I'm not Aziraphale," they told Crowley.

His eyes opened very slowly. "Nnh. 'Course not. He fucked off, didn't he?" he said, miserably.

"Look, are you all right? Can you sit up?" Maggie asked.

Crowley seemed to be making the attempt, but after a moment he winced and said, "No. Alsso. I'm sso dizzy. 'Ss… all the tiny lung knives, I think."

Muriel supposed that must be a human thing; that seemed like the sort of thing humans would go for, being a. a material object; b. relating to bodily organs; c. and needlessly unpleasant. But then Maggie mouthed Tiny lung knives? and she looked very confused, so maybe it wasn't, actually.

next part

[captain-aralias]

Life update

TL;DR - currently still pregnant at 21 weeks, baby is currently ok.

but spent the last 3 days in hospital, getting surgery to try and stop baby coming dangerously early. now back to being WORRIED ALL THE TIME.

if you want to read about that, i've written a post just to get it all out. it's quite bleak, even though we are hoping for the best.

triggers in the below: pregnancy, miscarriage, other death

so yes! it's been a weird week.

started really well - i started taking liquid iron and felt GREAT, shockingly good to the extent that i assumed it was a placebo effect and not actually my body. this is not relevant to the rest of the story, just that i was feeling really confident, not tired for the first time in ages, having a good time.

wednesday - i got a text from the NHS saying i had an appointment the next day. again, so confident was i feeling about pregnancy that my reaction was to be pissed off. no i didn't have an appointment, this was my week of no appointments!!! i was going to go into work for one of my mandatory two days in the office, wtf.

a physical letter arrived at my house a few hours after this and confirmed that i did indeed have an appointment i'd never heard of. the only information about what it was were the words 'obstetrics f/up.' eventually i realised f/up meant 'follow up', rather than 'fuck up', but i was still pretty much in the dark about what it would be.

but i went along anyway, rather than cancelling in a fit of pique because i HAPPENED to have the lunchtime of the next day free. i did not go into work.

the appointment turned out to be .... a scan, performed by a doctor rather than the normal sonographer. i actually had been told that they would try and book something like this at my.... obstetrics appointment, hence the name. the reason for booking in this appointment was that every time i go for a scan, baby is not willing to move around so it has been hard to get all the views that are necessary. and also i've had IVF.

again, i thought - this is probably a waste of time. i'm a low risk patient! i just have IVF because i'm queer, i'm actually dead good at pregnancy. but hey ho.

and indeed, first time doctor scanned me, baby refused to move. went outside, drank some water, she scanned someone else, i went back - they scanned me again. declared baby is fine! doesn't even have a short leg like we were worried about before, brill. but...

i seem to have a short cervix. that could cause early delivery. maybe we should scan me the other way to confirm. but she has to scan someone else first.

this is - as you may guess - where the story gets bad. although i didn't guess that yet. i thought - early delivery? no problem. you mean, like 2 weeks or something, cool. i've already booked my maternity leave to start 2 weeks early.

NO. it means - like, any time from now. even though baby will literally die if born now.

scan confirms that cervix is 1mm, instead of the 25mm+ that is usually no cause to worry.

doctor says - you need to go to labour ward now and probably get surgery, and stay over night.

i'm still living in cloud cuckoo land at this point, so my brain is like - stay over night? but i have one-time only dinner plans at fortnum and mason tonight (a true story, a gift from my partner's rich eccentric mother).

we go over to the labour ward - at which point, my brain starts to point out that this is not good. we're put in a birthing suite to wait for someone to come and talk to us. usually, i would be texting my friend who is also a resident of the same town and due to have her baby 2 weeks before me (OR MAYBE NOT) but i guess this is where it hits me that i might never get to the bit where we are in the birthing suite.

basically from this point onwards, i cried at least several times per day until saturday. midwives kept trying to comfort me. the next doctor they brought to talk to me and my partner (fortunately with me) basically acted like he was telling me i had terminal cancer (i do not have terminal cancer). he wanted me to know that the baby might still die even if we do the surgery, and also that doing the surgery might also break my waters, and then they'd recommend terminating as i'm only 21 weeks pregnant, and babies usually don't survive earlier than 24 weeks. even then - that's very premature.

there was some suggestion they might be able to do the surgery THAT DAY, but it didn't work out. so we were transferred to the antenatal ward, given a (different) private room, and my partner was sent home to get my stuff. she came back and stayed the night in the single bed - not as fun as the fanfic makes it look! particularly because even though we were off the main ward, we could still hear.... people in labour. and babies - like the one we might not have - crying. and beeping - lots of beepings.

also - one of my friends came to pick up my car, which i'd left on the street back when i thought that the appointment would be maximum 2 hours. i was vvv upset about the baby, but my brain wouldn't shut up about the car either. WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN TO THE CAR. until it was gone, and then it was 100% baby panic.

monitoring of blood pressure and temperature too, so - should you get to sleep, you will definitely be woken at 2am and 6am. amazing.

cut to the next day - no food, little water. a bunch of drugs, no surgery until 3.30. surgery includes being completely numb from waist down, which is great (genuinely). as well as pain relief, this really decreases the humiliation of being in a room with 10 people all looking up your hospital gown while you can't control your bodily functions.

the surgeon had come in for like 5 minutes earlier and this is not an exaggeration of our conversation:

him: you're having this surgery, it had a 50% chance of failing to get you to full term even if we do put the stitch in successfully, sign this consent form please no offence lovely NHS, genuinely amazing throughout this whole situation, but this is the first time anyone had said 50% chance of failure.

me: [signs form, since has no choice really] him: any questions? me: er... him: [literally already out the door, genuinely did not wait for an answer] midwife [still there, apologetic] as you can see, they're very busy. if you have questions, best to write them down and just say them loudly when you get the chance

everyone else in the theatre was super nice. although also kept asking me about the baby i was convinced i might lose within the surgery (do you know the gender? what are you going to call him?). surgery went ok. very quick. did NOT lose the baby ... at that point. but couldn't stop crying as soon as i got out.

still numb for 6 hours. catheter horrible. spent 2 hours in the recovery ward - still no food allowed - under a weird inflatable blanket. wheeled back to the antenatal ward.

this time, we were on the main ward - although it was pretty quiet because they don't schedule people in for stuff on saturdays. just two women there - both waiting for emergency c-section the next day.

while i was glad neither were in labour, it was still super awkward and upsetting to be on the ward with them. sound carried really well, so we heard all their consultations, including a bit where one of them had to describe her previous history of pregnancy, which included having twins - one of whom DIED. omg. cue - another crying fit for self.

seriously - my overall feeling coming out of this was how amazing the NHS is, how amazing it was that the doctor caught my cervix the day before it opened fully during a random scan for something else (because my cervix was fully open during the surgery, 24 hours after the scan. vv bad) the midwives were so lovely, the nurses were so lovely. they gave me loads of great drugs too (progesterone - my old friend from IVF), which will hopefully keep contractions away, in addition to the stitch.

BUT.... it was pretty hellish to be incredibly emotional and stuck in hospital listening to this stuff for 2 days, unable to sleep. very very likely some of the worst days of my life so far.

i'm back home, as of yesterday, which is amazing. slept a full night, and i'm 2 days out of surgery. the symptoms of the surgery failing are all things that i am feeling right now - like.... pain. contractions (is this a contraction, or is this the baby moving??) and maybe your waters breaking, which could happen slowly so how do you know it's not happening RIGHT NOW.

so - basically, i am still not in a good place emotionally, even though we haven't lost the baby yet. i realised that as well as just.... the very fact of the possible death of a baby we have given a name to (we couldn't use the name again for another baby, could we?) ... i think i'm also in shock for the idea of the life i thought i was going to have this year. i've booked my maternity leave, i was getting into baby mode - starting to largely only want to read baby books, etc. thinking about buying the wrap-top from the advert i watch every time i go into hospital where you can put your baby inside the top and have them skin-to-skin.

and the idea of baby dying and then having to go back to work, my friend having her baby 2 weeks ahead of when i should have had mine... it's just awful. i want the baby, i want to go on maternity leave.

baby coming early but still within a viable window (so - hold on another 3+ weeks) doesn't worry me so much, though is worrying my partner in terms of possible developmental issues of pre-term children. i probably just can't conceptualise this, because my brain is thinking 'well, at least there would be a baby.'

so - that's where we are. doctors and internet both agree bedrest isn't really necessary or helpful, but i have my drugs + antibiotics. 22 weeks is on tuesday. 24 weeks (so viable but very premature baby) - 7th february.

if we make it through february, we'll be in the third trimester, and start to get some good rates of survival if baby comes early.

me to baby (proposed middle name: alexander) every few hours:

heard lots of stories of things being ok and people getting to full term (or close enough) from friends and midwives, one of the trainees literally said this had happened to her. this partly reassures me, and also makes me think - surely that means there must be a need for people to be in the BAD 60-40% to make up the statistics, and that could be me. (i know that's not how statistics works, it's how my brain works).

final doctor - a completely different person to any of the others in this story - told me i likely have a good chance because i have no history of cervical damage, to the extent that they aren't sure why this has happened to me. but the internet told me that it's less likely to be ok if the cervix opened (which mine did), so maybe.......

and maybe these pains are bad pains, rather than i was cut open pains. and maybe my water is breaking.........

in conclusion - i'll be a basketcase for the next few weeks, probably. and then possibly very sad. or possibly it will be some form of all right.

no need to respond to this post, if you got this far! in fact, i might prefer it - i turned off comments on my (much shorter) version of this on twitter as it's all too upsetting. but wanted to let people know, and also record for posterity while i felt a bit more with it/less sad.

likes are ok, even though obviously there's not much to like - except the NHS!! and my friend who took my car home.

this post is also why i probably won't do the 15 questions post that's going around, because it talks about 'when did you last cry' and children, even though we all know the answers to that now. i just don't want this shit in a normal happy meme post.

anyway - hope everyone else is having a nice weekend, and making and/or consuming good art <3

[racingliners]

F1 Tag Game! Tag some people you'd like to get to know better!

Tagged by @schumigrace and @babysdrivers, tysm my loves!!!! 💚

Who is your favourite driver?

Seb, Jenson, Scumi, and Lewis. Please don't make me choose between them 😭

Do you have other favourite drivers?

Other dudes I am very fond of are Charles, Alex, Oscar, Guanyu and Kevin

Who is your least favourite driver?

MV, NH, DR and CSJr

Do you pull for drivers or do you like teams as well?

I definitely lean towards drivers (and follow them from team to team, I have done a lot of team hopping in my time). But as I've gotten older I have developed a proper fondness for certain teams (or more accurately a group of people within a team) and I'll root for them for that.

If you like teams, what teams do you pull for?

right now Merc and Aston (though my Merc fondness is depending on who they sign for the second 2025 seat). I've also had a general fondness for Williams for a while because of the history they have in the sport and how great it would be to see them be properly successful again.

How long have you been into F1?

I grew up watching F1, but in terms of being a "proper" fan, since June 2013

What got you into F1?

My Dad, he was a big Schumi fan when he was at Ferrari (I still have a very old Ferrari cap of his, and my Gran says that when I was very little I used to run around saying 'vroom vroom Schumacher') and I would watch a lot of the European races with him. When he died I stopped watching F1 bc it was all just a bit difficult, but when I was in high school one of my friends mentioned F1 one day and I said that I used to watch it and she dragged me back into it.

Do you enjoy fanfic/RPF?

Yes, but RPF must be enjoyed responsibly.

How do you view new fans?

New fans are super duper important to keep things going, and that applies to sports as well as anything else. So welcome, enjoy the madness, and there is nothing wrong with being new and not knowing everything within five minutes, learning stuff is part of the fun!

Are your friends and family into F1 as well?

It's just me 😅 My parents are very sweet and have a very loose interest only so I can talk about it with them, but they're pretty non-plussed by F1 overall.

If you could take over as team principal for any team, who would it be and why?

If Toto can't fix Mercedes then I'm damn well going to try

Are you open to talking to other fans/making friends?

Of course!!! I adore the community we have here on f1blr and since I came back mid-way through 2022 I've met some incredible people through their blogs and made some genuinely wonderful friends which I'm so incredibly grateful for 💖

One of my favourite things about sport is it's ability to bring people together from across so many different places and cultures to yell about the beloveds.

[mothball288]

Your Support(ZADR)  (Angst)

Dib didn’t initially remember when he first took notice of Zim’s quietness but it’s apparent how much he’s changed through middle school to high school. He takes note to confront him on why he refuses to interact with anyone anymore, not even for his schemes. Dib follows Zim to his base, where he sees through the window that he’s standing on a chair, nearly about to hang himself.

“HOLY SHIT”

Dib runs into the house, immediately holding Zim’s legs to prevent him from falling. Zim was shouting at his robot companion when Dib entered, who was crying aggressively

'NOOO! MASTER! Y-YOU- NO!'

"I-"

Zim turned to Dib, grimacing at him

"Get out. G-Get out of my base!" Zim was horribly pale, in fact, he looked terrible with large bags under his eyes.

“NO, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING ZIM??” 

he clings tightly onto Zim, preventing him from making a move to harm himself 

“YOU CANT JUST FUCKING DO THIS TO US!”

"Us!? Who is us? To your research? I-it- it certainly looks like what you think it is but it is.. it is not! Get off, Zim is just preparing a trap for you.. just- god. REMOVE YOURSELF FROM MY HOUSE DIB MEMBRANE."

Gir had calmed down a bit, dismantling the rope while Dib had him busy 

“I’m not stupid you green muck! Why are you doing this?” 

Dib slowly lowers Zim to the floor, where he stands over the boy with a significant height. Zim tossed Dib aside, pulled on a blue hoodie, and rode the hood up attempting to walk out of the base

 "Computer. Remove the intruder."

Dib looks around, watching the coils of metal unveil from the ceiling aiming around him, before Zim could make too much distance from him, Dib tackles him. Launching the both of them into another room 

“YOU'RE NOT GOING TO JUST LEAVE ME IN THE DARK ABOUT THIS”

Zim grunted, his weak stature hitting the hard flooring with a just as weak thud 

"You don't know half of what it is like to be a failure Irken invader. I disappoint my planet. MY RACE. You are... just a boy! GIR! REMOVE HIM FROM ME!"

 'nuh uh'

“Why is your entire meaning to a life centered around taking over this planet, and disappointing those who didn’t seem to care about you? Why is it so important!” Dib shouts in close proximity but tries to stay collected.

 "BECAUSE IT IS WHAT I AM DESIGNED FOR. WITHOUT THAT PURPOSE THERE IS NOTHING TO THE LIFE OF AN IRKEN! NOT LIKE A FILTHY HUMAN WOULD UNDERSTAND!" he hissed at him, holding the hoodie tightly to himself 

"SURE YOU'RE AN OUTCAST, BUT AT LEAST YOU CAN STILL DEFINE YOUR PURPOSE." Zim cries

“STOP OSTRACIZING YOURSELF, HUMANS WERE BUILT TO SCAVENGE AND REPOPULATE BUT THAT DOESN’T GIVE YOU AN ENTIRE MEANING.” Dib holds his temples with his hand, trying to process what’s happening at that moment 

“You’re more than that Zim”

He smirked at Dib and rolled his eyes 

"Ostracizing myself. You are funny. I'd laugh but I wish to not pity the pitier."

 Zim punched Dib square in the jaw and flung him off. 

"Was it not you that told me how hideous my skin is? That I am a freak alien? I cannot think of one real friend of Zim, not even Gir, he is forced to love his master. Not even Keef I'd say. Just an unhealthy obsession!"

Quickly Dib gets up, shaking off the hit, holding where Zim’s fist made an impact 

“look, I’m sorry Zim, I was a kid, I was an idiot and I didn’t know how else to react.”

 Dib notices Zim’s hoodie (that was originally his) had shifted up towards his elbow. Revealing rows of purple along his skin. Dib grabs Zim’s wrist, holding it up in view 

“What the hell is this.”

Zim went to pull his wrist away but found it quite painful when Dib's grasp rubbed against it 

"nh! R-Release me. Release my arm this instant. I will not hesitate to hit you again! Y-Your reaction was fine- how is your jaw? Shall I get ice? C-Computer! Fetch me some ice to sort out the punch I landed on the Dib-Stinks jaw!" 

He feverishly attempted to change the subject. The burn marks and blisters from the water he ran over his skin mixed with lines of dark green scabs and lines of fresh purple. Many appeared to not be in good condition, likely infected.

 "Yes. Here, this is your hoodie- you may have this back. My apologies for stealing it!"

Dib stares in shock at the condition of his friend’s skin. After snapping out of his daze, somehow with an ice pack in his hand. Dib faces Zim, who is sitting across from him on their kitchen floor. His claws outreached holding the hoodie. 

“No, keep it.” 

he pushes his hands towards the alien, then grabs his hand softly pulling up the sleeve. Tracing each abrasion with a gentle touch. He looks up into  Zim’s eyes and rests his head on the back of his hand 

“Zim, please, talk to me”

He began to sweat, his antennae flattening against his head

 "I-I am fine Dib thing! Just banged up, yes. No worse than the bologna incident.. o-or the rain incident! It just takes a day to heal over! Really!"

 He smiled nervously, it was off-putting in a way. It was an inhumane smile, definitely a mimicry of one. His eyes stayed void of emotion. it was honestly disturbing.

 "Haha! Please, dear friend- Dib thing! let's uh- let's play a video game? Haha..?"

Dib didn’t know what to do, it’s not like he could magically fix the boy from his problems, he just wanted to help him 

“I’m not letting you deter me from this. I know you can heal quickly but that doesn’t stop me from knowing what you did” 

He scoots closer to Zim, putting the messily folded hoodie onto the green boy.

“You don’t deserve this Zim” 

Zim broke into tears, dropping the hoodie to the floor and crumpling with it. He wailed and clawed at the floor, panting and gagging on his tears, nearly throwing up 

"OH BUT ZIM DOES. HE DESERVES IT ALL. EVERYONE ELSE SAYS SO. THERE ARE SO MANY WHO TELL ZIM HE IS A FREAK AND THAT HE SHOULD JUST KILL HIMSELF. THEY'RE RIGHT. OH, THEY'RE RIGHT. I'M EVEN AN IRKEN FREAK! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING NORMAL!"

 The floor scuffed easily, his claws dug out holes in the tile floor- yikes. 

Dib’s heart felt like it shattered, seeing someone he loved dearly fall into such a deep pit, it felt like he had been pierced in the chest. He lays next to Zim as he cries. Stroking the fake hair atop his head 

“You don’t need to be normal Zim, kids are cruel, the earth is cruel. You’re so smart and no one should be subjected to the ridicule of those assholes at the school or on your planet” he pauses “I hate to see you like this….you mean too much to me, Zim…”

Zim shook his head, still curled into a ball on the floor

 "You are just saying words. We are enemies." 

“Zim…”

 he reaches out to him, pulling him up softly so he can look into his eyes 

“I….I love you okay.” 

he looks away, only to turn back and stare directly into Zim’s eyes

 “I love the way you talk, how you insult me, emphasize your words, the way we banter like an old married couple. You make me feel….whole. Without you, things seem so empty. I need you here with me Zim.”

 He pauses. Contemplating. He mutters under his breath 

“Fuck.”

Hot wet tears fall from Dib’s face, looking down the droplets pattering on the thick lenses of his glasses 

“I need you, Zim”

 Zim removed the glasses from Dib's face gently, wiping them off with his gloves

 "You do not need Zim. I appreciate it greatly, but no one NEEDS Zim."

 He smiled softly and looked up, putting the glasses back on Dib 

"You don't love Zim, you don't mean it. You should not do that to yourself." 

“You idiot.”

Without a second thought, he leans in, kissing Zim softly. More tears flow down the olive-colored skin tainted with acne. His hand raised to rest on Zim’s green cheek. Realizing what he had done. He quickly pulled away. Shocked by his own actions. 

“Oh my god, shit, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to-“

 Zim laughed quietly, putting a hand on Dib's shoulder

 "Dib-thing. You do not have to pretend. My corpse is still useful for research. There is no way you could truly want this. Not with Zim."

 He shook his head, cocking it to the side, his wig falling off

 "We are not compatible. I will not lie, I've felt these feelings, yes, but you will ruin your life human."

 “God trust me Zim if I didn’t truly feel this way. I would’ve already been gone. I mean from the bottom of my human heart, you mean something to me, and I will be with you to integrate that into your thick alien skull.” 

Dib takes the wig, adjusting it to Zim’s head

“I will continue to keep saying so until my life ends”  

Zim scoffed, resting his head against Dib's neck 

"You scare Zim. You are such a strange human. Are all humans with big heads so stupid? I thought the bigger the brain the smarter!"

 he patted Dib's forehead

 "Zim- no, I love you Dib-Thingy."

[jeffbytes]

sometimes i wonder if im like actually still capable of selfshipping 😭 like i know i am but now i've experienced actual real love like nothing i've felt before, i just find it so exhausting and unfulfilling. like i would still lean on it in the meantime if i wasn't batshit crazy waiting on NHS intervention but even if i could, it's just not the same, at least for me

what i search for in life a bond with another human who i can cuddle and kiss and go on adventures with and spoil and invite them into my home and tell them whats mine is theirs? fictional characters just cant and dont do that for me anymore it feels empty to even try 😮‍💨 i suppose that's the point in it being a simple creative fun side hobby that's what i wanted it to be, but whilst i'm still searching for the One™ it does nothing more than just make me feel sad and unfulfilled. like trying to fill a hole that cant be filled this way, idk

why am i writing this here? bc ppl only ever followed me for my selfships and i REALLY want to feel like i have personal value to you outside of that, that my artwork and other posts still matter, bc i physically cant keep up with what people followed me for rn. im sorry i just cant