rivviejames-blog

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you deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable.

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Senior picture :D

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He had been the first person to ever love me, and at the time I had felt like nobody would ever love me like that again.

written by rivviejames

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Lunch today was homemade vegan pad thai w’ veggies and tofu and a green smoothie <3 

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I just wish I knew what I wanted.

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Stardust

“My veins are full of stardust,” she said.

She felt like she was floating somewhere far above the mountains, far above the clouds. She felt that if she held her hand out just far enough, she’d be able to touch the stars.

When she tried to lie down, she felt every particle of her soul try to drag her down, down, down through the bed and into an endless sleep. When she tried to stand up, her mind would spin so fast that it pulled her down, down, down the rabbit hole.

When he kissed her, she could feel electricity spread through her body. She could feel her mind spin, she could feel the stardust in her veins spread and tingle with every touch. She was there but she wasn’t, her body was there and her mind was somewhere far far above, floating among the stars. She felt as if she was flying, or swimming in the deepest darkest part of the ocean.

As he touched her, she felt absolutely everything and nothing at all.

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On being “easy”

I had my first crush when I was around 6 years old. He had brown hair and brown eyes, and I was sure that there had never been a greater love than ours.

I first kissed my best friend when I was 12 years old. She was blonde, and sweet, and I thought that we would be together forever.

I had my first “real” kiss at 15 years old, in the hot tub, while the stars shone and the snow fell from the sky above us. I lost my virginity when I was 15 years old, in the basement of my first boyfriend’s house. Afterwards, he kissed me and wrote our names in the snow with a big heart around them. It was about a month before my 16th birthday. I first had sex with a girl when I was 16 years old,  around 11 pm, under the fairy lights in the room of the girl. She was one of my best friends.

And I wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you about how wonderful, scary and exciting it all was. I wanted to talk to you about kissing, about love, about being completely naked and vulnerable for the first time.

But when I did tell you about all of this, you were quick to judge. You never took into consideration my independent mind, or how emotionally ready I felt. You never once called him out, but you did me. Boys will be boys, but I am a girl. And I had sex. So I became a whore. A slut. i had been too easy, I had given myself up too quickly. Was it a self defense mechanism? Did you somehow feel threatened because you felt left behind? How sad that makes me, for I would never ridicule you for not having had sex, or not having kissed anyone. Different people are ready at different times, and I completely understand that. That is why I felt ready at almost 16 years old. That is why I never felt like sex was a big deal, it was just a part of life that naturally took it’s course. It isn’t something I regret, it isn’t something I was too young or irresponsible for, and it isn’t something you get to shame me for. 

Oh, the things I wish I could have told you before we went our separate ways. I wish that I could tell you that sex isn’t something that needs to be hidden, never to be talked about again. It is something natural and beautiful. I wish I could tell you that sex and nudity is something that should be celebrated, not feared. That talking about these things with your parents is a good thing, and it is not perverted and weird. With all the horrible things that could happen if you’re sexually active, I will always be thankful that my parents educated me and encouraged me to always talk to them about it. 

I wish I could have told you how broken I felt at times, but I feared that you would use the exact things I needed you to comfort me about to tear me down even further. I wish I could have told you about my second first time with a girl, but I feared that you would use my bisexuality as yet another tool against me. I wish that we could have just talked about boys, girls, sexuality and innocent high school crushes like 16 year old girls do. 

I wish I could tell you to never make another girl feel the way you made me feel. I wish that I could tell you to stop feeling so insecure about yourself that you feel the need to put others down.  I hope that the first time you kiss someone is beautiful and special. And I hope that you too will then be able to be completely naked and vulnerable. 

And I realize now that I shouldn’t have let you call me easy.  Because is there truly even such a thing as being easy? Is virginity anything more than just a social construct created to keep women down? Well, I completely and 100% reject that premise. I love being naked, I love being vulnerable. I love being so close to someone that I can hear their heart beat in their chest and feel the softness of their skin. I love my sensuality and the way it flows from me effortlessly. I love how I have the ability to love so many different people, no matter what they identify as. I love how comfortable I am with my body, and I love how sexy that makes me feel. I love how I exude confidence and happiness with every sound, every movement, every part of my soul.

I love myself. You will never take that away from me.

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The 1 in 5 myth

Okay so

Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of videos and posts pop up about how the claim that 1 in 5 women are sexually assaulted while in college is false and that a rape culture is merely something made up by the triggered snowflake liberals. Inevitably, comments like this typically follow: Ugh. Liberalism really is a mental disorder. I just wish that women would stop pretending that a man smiling at them is sexual assault you know? False rape accusations happen so often and they completely ruin the lives of men. Regret doesn’t equal rape. Feminists are new age nazis. Women should just stop complaining. This is what feminists are doing to this country. If women just stopped getting drunk and going to parties they wouldn’t get raped. Only 1 in 53 women get sexually assaulted in college. Pft. Liberals.

OKAY. STOP IT. I would very much like to know where you got your 1 in 53 statistic from. Because EVERY SINGLE website that you can click on after searching for statistics on sexual assault in general and sexual assault in college list that AT LEAST 20% of women have experienced some form of sexual assault. So tell me again, please, how the 1 in 5 statistic is a myth?

(And just on a side note, do you not understand what the word feminism means? It literally means equality. I truly don’t get why conservatives get so worked up over it. I completely get that there are some “bad” women who associate themselves with the feminist movement, but that doesn’t mean that the whole movement is shit. Just like how just because the KKK supports Donald Trump doesn’t mean that he himself is a part of the KKK. Or just because Donald Trump said incredibly offensive things about sexually assaulted women doesn’t mean that he’s a sexual predator. Oh wait.)

Perhaps these men who claim that the 1 in 5 statistic is just a myth don’t understand what sexual assault means? So I’ll explain it to them right here. Sexual assault is a blanket term that includes, but is not limited to rape. Sexual assault is non consensual touching of a sexual nature. Sexual assault is unwanted groping. Sexual assault is doing ANYTHING of a sexual nature that the other person didn’t consent to, couldn’t consent to and/or isn’t comfortable with.

I, a 17 year old girl, have had my ass or tits grabbed at school plenty of times. “Jokingly” of course. And yes, it doesn’t cause me any physical or mental trauma. BUT IT IS STILL SEXUAL ASSAULT. And most women WILL experience this at sometime in their lives. So stop pretending that this isn’t a real thing that happens to AT LEAST 1 in 5 women.

Please. Stop pretending that this isn’t happening. It won’t make it go away. You don’t get to talk about how there is in fact gender equality in this country while you also deny the validity of sexual assault and you continue to blame and shame victims. Instead of continuing to deny the fact that this many women are sexually assaulted, let’s try to do something about it.

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To the girl I used to call my best friend

You don’t get to tear me down.

I am proud of who I am, what I do and what I want. It’s not arrogance, it’s not a need to feel superior. I am simply happy and proud of what I’m doing in life. I work hard for my grades and test scores. I work hard to try and get into universities I wish to get into. Just because I’m proud of myself doesn’t mean that you get to call me arrogant. And yes, I love my body, even with all it’s unique quirks that you like to label “imperfections.” Me loving my body doesn’t mean that I’m trying to talk myself up, or that I’m trying to make myself sound like a “catch.” I love my drive, my sense of self worth, my personality, my body and yes, my intelligence. I love myself, and you trying to tear me down can’t change that. I love myself and I am worthy of love and friendship. You can be worthy too.

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On sexual assault

Don’t ever try to tell me that rape culture isn’t a thing.

Rape culture is my dad telling me that I’m asking for it by wearing my favorite dress to school. Rape culture is older men flirting with me and then repeatedly asking me about my age, as if my age is the only thing keeping me from fucking them. Rape culture is random guys groping me in the school hallways. Rape culture is a male friend of me joking about how horrible I am for putting him in “the friend zone,” as if me not wanting to have sex with him is me being mean to him. Rape culture is an older man first asking me if I was a lesbian because I wasn’t dating, and then later “apologizing” to me and telling me that I’m way too beautiful to be a lesbian and inviting me over to his house.

Rape culture is my ex best friend calling me a whore for having sex, claiming that I “gave myself up too quickly.” It is her calling me easy. It is absolutely unacceptable that this girl, a friend I once respected and admired, was raised to believe that sex is something a girl gives up to a guy. That sex is something that can only be enjoyed by men and that women should feel shame and be silent about sex.  Rape culture is this same girl once telling me and another friend that we had been sexually assaulted because we never made our intentions clear enough. Because our personalities were so weak that guys thought that they could get away with it. Because guys could sense that we were easy. Rape culture is this same girl denying the validity of rape on the show “13 reasons why” because the girl never once said no. Despite her visibly struggling. Despite her trying to get away. Despite the fact that an enthusiastic and audible yes from a person physically, mentally and legally capable of making such a decision is the only acceptable form of consent.

So who is this letter directed to? This letter is for the politicians, celebrities and news anchors who keep denying the validity of rape and sexual assault.This letter is for Ben Shapiro, who keeps denying the existence of a rape culture. This letter is for my ex best friend, who believes that I was asking to be sexually assaulted because I’m sexually active. It’s for the Donald, who seems to have gotten away with everything he was accused of. Hell, he’s the president now. If we let a man like that run the fucking country, how are women supposed to feel safe and equal?

So let’s stop pretending that rape culture isn’t a thing. Let’s stop teaching girls to not get raped, and instead teach men (and women) to not rape. Let’s stop pretending that saying “grab em by the pussy” is just typical “locker room talk.” Let’s stop pretending that this is acceptable behavior by the man who runs our country.  We need to start talking about this. We need to start talking about it NOW.

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Please, never stop believing that fighting for what is right isn’t worth it

Hillary Clinton

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All she had ever wanted was to free. She had wanted to travel. She had wanted to cross the line where civilization ends and the world begins.

She had wanted to find the place where the earth touches the sky.

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An open letter to those still fighting the war on drugs

The war on drugs has been lost. Turns out, people still take whatever drugs they want even if it is illegal. So now we start looking into alternative ways of ensuring the safety of our citizens.

The way to do this is not by treating drug users as if they are criminals. After all, they are only hurting themselves, and we do nothing to help them. How is this a good thing? How is this “winning” the war on drugs? The moment people start using is also essentially the moment that they are placed outside of the law, with no chance of getting help. Unless, of course, they’re rich enough to afford treatment. Seems like quite the paradox, right? 

You claim that the people you have personally sent to jail have thanked you for sending them away because they could clean up. But what if they wouldn’t have to go to prison in the first place? If we were to legalize all drugs and sales of said drugs would go through the government, you would not only eliminate the entire criminal underground associated with drug use, you would also be left with a huge surplus of money. What if we were to pour that money back into rehabilitation, drug awareness and education? We would be able to educate and help way more people who would not be scared to seek help because it is no longer illegal, and we would still be left with a huge surplus of money. What if police officers would no longer spend so much time incarcerating innocent youths, being mainly young African american males? If drugs are no longer illegal, people would be more likely to step up and get help. And we would be able to actually offer them treatment.

You said that criminal gangs will not just declare bankruptcy, they will find different criminal activities to engage in. My response to that is: what would they start doing? What different criminal activities would they start engaging in? By all means, I’d like to hear more about that.

Think about the young girls who are stuck in prostitution because of their addictions. Think about all the addicts who cannot step up to get help because they would be prosecuted if they were to do so. How is it worth continuing the war on drugs if all we do is lose money and prosecute the very people you claim to want to help?

Lastly, as for usage going up if it were to become illegal, would you start using heroin if it became legal? I know that I would not. And even if drug usage triples, what do you care as long as it’s legal, obtained through the government, and safe? As I said before, the money that is made from the legal, government regulated sale of drugs would be enough to actually help and educate drug users. And if drugs are regulated and sold through the government, we can be sure that the drugs that people are taking are at least pure and clean. We can make sure that people aren’t using unsafe needles. We can literally save lives and give so many people a new chance.

Listen. People are still going to do drugs. The war on drugs will never be won. You are fighting a war that can never be won and you are losing money while doing so. My point stands. Decriminalizing all drugs would not hugely increase numbers of people doing drugs, but it will increase the amount of money the government would make. It would eliminate the criminal underground associated with drugs. It would allow us to help and educate people without them being unfairly charged as criminals. Economically, socially and politically, decriminalizing all drugs is the only thing that makes sense.

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To the girl with the pink hair

To the girl with the pink hair on Fox News yesterday

How is it “not the right time” to talk about gun control?

Talking about gun control is NOT trying to “politicize” a tragedy, as Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson told me when I turned on my tv yesterday. It is NOT disrespectful towards the dead, as republicans and republican tv hosts alike repeat over and over again.

No, you do not deserve to die because you voted for Trump, nor did any of the victims at the Vegas shooting. That is not the point. Of course you have voted against your own best interest and you remain ignorant and seemingly blind, but that is not the point.

This is not about republicans vs. democrats. This isn’t about Trump.

It’s a simple statistics game. Look at any other developed country. Look at the percentage of the population killed by gun related homicide, and then look at ours. A mass shooting is classified as any shooting with over 4 killed. Factually, there is at least one mass shooting in the United States EVERY SINGLE DAY. Factually, gun homicide rates are about 25 times higher in the US than in other developed high-income countries.

How many more people are we going to let die?

Are you so blind that you genuinely believe that keeping your “second amendment rights” is worth it?

Respect the dead, you said. I fail to understand how you claim to respect the dead while also not acknowledging why we allowed them to be killed, and why we are going to continue to allow others to meet the same fate. What makes you think that continuing to allow people to buy any weapon they want without even a simple background check, permit or waiting list is respect? The only way we can “respect” the dead is by making sure that something like this will never happen again.