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Insecurity Leads to Dogma

Insecurity is a feeling that plagues many of us at one time or another. It can lead to a wide variety of behaviors and attitudes from toxic masculinity to narcissistic traits. One of the strangest aspects is when a person fosters dogma or a dogmatic way of being.

*It’s important to note that dogmatic behaviors, rigidity, or inflexibility can be displayed by neurodivergent individuals. Often times those behaviors are linked with their ability to function in life. With that stated this article does not speak upon the experience of neurodivergent individuals, but it may support neurodivergent individuals to navigate and understand neurotypical behaviors.

What is dogma?

Dogma can be defined as having a set of beliefs accepted as true without question. Where as being dogmatic is the behavior of sticking strictly to those beliefs and refusing to consider other viewpoints, evidence or new information. In short, dogma is about creating firm beliefs, and being inflexible about them even when they are not true or don’t work. It’s most notably found in typical religious settings and tends to be very pronounced in cults.

Dogma Style

When individuals feel the need to pontificate or express judgments in a way that is based on their beliefs and not reality, it often stems from their own deep-seated insecurities. As I was reflecting on this, a memory of a landlord-tenant dispute came to mind.

During the situation the landlord brought in a person notoriously known for favoring landlords in testing for hazardous materials. As this person conducted tests. The inspector attempted to have an air of superiority and attempt to give a false sense of security as he proceeded to pontificate about what he knew. However research is one of my strengths especially when it comes to health and wellness in addition to protecting my daughter. On top of that I create handmade jewelry and accessories. For the safety of myself and clients, I have done lots of research into lead and other materials like that which I avoid using.

Click to checkout my shop on Poshmark and Use Code: YEWENCHIE to get $10 OFF *Code is only good for your first time using Poshmark.

The sad truth is I actually knew more than him about lead and did the “yes and” off of most of his statements to bring in the actual data.

Also as he was doing the work he was watching to see if I was buying the act, which I clearly wasn’t.

It was during this encounter that I realized the true nature of dogmatic individuals. They are often quick to share their opinions, even if they are based on false or exaggerated information. Utilizing the "yes, and," technique allowed me to challenge their dogmatic assertions and expose the weaknesses in their beliefs without throwing them under the bus or creating an argument.

Why do people gravitate to dogmatic personalities or establishments?

To go into a wide variety of reasons who fill a book, but one reason is human nature's tendency to desire to be under leadership due to an internalized feeling of not being enough. With feeling insufficient (insecure) comes the nomination and clinging to someone or something one feels can bring that feeling for them, even if it means accepting flawed ideologies, misinformation / outright lies, double standards, and opening ones-self up to more problems as described in the Biblical texts of 1 Samuel 8: 4-9

So It’s fairly clear that those who follow dogmatic leaders often lack due diligence in examining their lives and evaluating the validity of their statements or the ones they chose to pedestalize or worship.

When confronted with dogmatic individuals or confronting our own inclinations of being dogmatic, it is crucial to ask ourselves critical questions:

Are they self-refuting in their statements or am I doing this?

Do they seem genuinely happy, or are they constantly making excuses/blaming others for the shortcomings in their own lives?

It is essential to see beyond the facade they present and consider what those closest to them have to say.

Are they comfortable presenting their flaws, or do they only show a carefully constructed image?

Am I (or are they) considering alternative viewpoints and open to changing my mind with new information?

How can I engage in a more open dialogue and venture outside the echo chamber without getting upset or triggered?

Why is dogma a thing?

It provides a sense of safety, security, and structure. For those in religious settings, it gives a person the ability to defer responsibility to what they consider a higher authority. That higher authority figure then functions to do the speaking and thinking for the people under them. It’s reflective of or a carryover from the parent child relationship. Since the higher authority is held in a position of being greater, worthier, and better everything proposed or stated must be held as uncontested truth. To contest that is a scary concept and equatable to disobeying a parent.

This nuance of dogma highlights immaturity as an aspect of insecurity.

For those who behave dogmatically and are rigid to their beliefs its the unwillingness to deal with change, which can be scary. Change can lead to a sense of instability which can leave someone feeling insecure.

For some, especially neurodivergent individuals the lack of a set structure can be extremely detrimental to their way of life and ability to function.

What can secure behavior look like?

Neurotypical secure behaviors, true strength lies in the ability to acknowledge our mistakes and take accountability for them. Only the strongest individuals can openly admit when they have messed up. We are all human, and it is through embracing our humanity that we can grow and learn from our experiences. When leaders embody this kind of strength and authenticity, the tendency for online lynch mobs, blame as an excuse for violence, and judgmental behavior are greatly reduced.

This concept reminds me of a timeless story, one where Jesus confronts a crowd ready to cast stones at a woman. Jesus challenges them by asking which among them is without sin. None of them can claim to be flawless, and in realizing this, they are compelled to put down their stones. The religious dogma at that time gave them the authority to take a life and ignore their own flaws until called out on them. Our culture, especially in religious, has much to learn from this story, as we often forget that no one is immune to making mistakes. We all have our skeletons in the closet, and it is through compassion and understanding that we can build a more empathetic society.

What can you do to restore your sense of safety and security?

Have more gratitude, for changes for the little mundane things as well as the exceptional in your life. This can be done through utilizing a gratitude journal Reduce exposure to stressors and stress can be addictive! Check in on how you feel after visiting a social media platform, watching the news, etc do you feel uplifted or brought down, upset, agitated, or angry? Time to step away and spend more time on self care, such as healthy self talk, time in nature, or anything that supports you in being a better person to yourself and others. Try a Stress Coach to remove the stress addictions Click Here for one that I’ve interviewed.

Try a guided meditation like this quick one below to develop a sense of safety and security when you don’t have much time.

In summary, insecurity can manifest in many ways, and the focus of this is on dogmatic behavior. When individuals feel a lack of confidence, they may resort to expressing rigid opinions and judgments. However, without recognizing the reasons behind why these behaviors we are unable to do much to change it. We get to approach dogma and dogmatic behaviors with critical thinking, curiosity, and empathy. By doing so, we can encourage open dialogue, foster understanding, and dismantle the culture of dogma that permeates our society.

Remember, none of us are flawless, but it is through acknowledging our faults and embracing our shared humanity that we can pave the way for a more prosperous world.

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No one can empower you but yourself! And...

…how to become the director of your career/business and your life by doing it

Introduction

There is so much talk about empowerment; it’s become a buzzword: Women’s empowerment, youth empowerment, empowerment here, empowerment there…

But the truth is: No one can empower you but yourself!

Empower (em-power) means to place power inside of someone. – How would they do this?

Now, another person may transfer legal powers to you, or the so-called “power” that comes with a position of authority. They can also give you money, training, tools, and other resources – which you can either put to good use or let go to waste… because this is not “empowerment.”

The real power, your creative power, that power that no one can take away from you, that is power that originates within. No one can grant this type of power to you, and no one can place it inside of you, and that’s also not necessary. Because it’s already there.

Our power doesn’t spring from an external source. Our power is already inside of us, and this is where it has always been. We may just not be aware of it or disconnected from it. (This is not surprising, as we’re literally educated out of it.)  And when we’re not connected to it, it’s as if we’re trying to watch TV without plugging in the power cord. Power energy cannot flow. So, we must first plug in our inner power cord so we can feel our power – our inner power – and trust that it’s there.

We can tap into this inner power through our mindset, our heartset, energetically or spiritually… and preferably in all four ways.

Everything you need to be successful is in you: In your mind, your heart, your body, your energy, your spirit.

Let’s explore this together, and let’s start with mindset.

A Self-Empowering Mindset

We know that we must believe in ourselves in order to achieve success and live our wildest dreams. – But that is easier said than done.

The tricky part is that over 95% of our behavior is driven by our subconscious. We think we’re in control but we’re really not. What’s in control is our subconscious programming or conditioning. This conditioning is like a computer script: It’s filled up with data that is constantly bombarding us from all sides: our parents, teachers, families, culture, religion, the media, the collective conscious and subconscious… from the moment we are born. And we even bring some of this data with us in our genes. We are not born as clean slates.

And soon, we are programmed further – through our upbringing, education, the world that surrounds us, our experiences...

From very young, we learn that we are not enough. Our parents criticize us, our teachers scold us when we don’t give the one and only acceptable answer. We’re educated out of using our creative potential. Instead of creativity, we are taught limitation. But we are limitless. Our potential is infinite. So when people say, step into your full potential, that is not even possible. You can never use your full potential because your potential expands every time to step deeper into it. We all have untapped potential, at any given time, and we are called to explore its vastness.

All this programming pretty much keeps us on autopilot, it controls our thoughts and our behaviors… We think about 70-80,000 thoughts a day, and 90% are of the same nature as our thoughts of the previous day.

Reflect on this for a moment: What are most of your thoughts about? Are they empowering or disempowering? Are you thinking your thoughts or are your thoughts thinking you? Where do they even come from? – Interesting question, right?

As some have said: our mind is a great servant but a lousy master.

So, for us to take control, we must become the observers of our thoughts and learn to master them. This requires daily practice. What’s been recorded over all these years is not easily deleted in a day. But it’s all about progress, and it’s a journey worth walking on.  

From very young, we learn that we are not enough. Our parents criticize us, our teachers scold us when we don’t give the one and only acceptable answer. We’re educated out of using our creative potential. Instead of creativity, we are taught limitation. But we are limitless. Our potential is infinite. So when people say, step into your full potential, that is not even possible. You can never use your full potential because your potential expands every time to step deeper into it. We all have untapped potential, at any given time, and we are called to explore its vastness.

Now, of course, mindset is key… but the mind is most powerful when it is led by the heart.

Mindset and heartset must go hand in hand because they are better together. When your heart and mind are in co-creation, you will be able to use the power of both: the intellectual power of the mind, on the one hand, and the you-specific wisdom of the heart, on the other… that wisdom that you have gathered through your unique life and experiences.

A Self-Empowering Heartset

It is noteworthy that the heart isn’t just a blood-pumping organ. It is a part of the brain with 40,000 brain-like cells called sensory neurites, which feel and remember similarly to the neurons in the head brain, independently of the head brain. Just like all other organs, our heart continuously communicates with the cranial brain. But we could say that our heart brain and our cranial brain have a “special connection.” Scientists have found that they communicate in at least 4 ways: neurologically, biochemically, biophysically, and energetically. (Feel free to consult the research of the HeartMath Institute.)

Scientists have found that the heart’s electrical field is 100x as strong as the brain’s electrical field magnetic field of the heart can even be up to 5,000 times stronger than the head brain’s magnetic field. What’s also interesting is that the heart’s electromagnetic frequency creates a torus-shaped field.

What does this mean? It means that our connection with the world around us happens through our hearts to a very large extent. Our heart is literally a magnet because of the strong magnetic frequency it emanates, that strong signal it sends out. It is the home of our magnetic monopole, which attracts things and people toward us.

Our heart holds many treasures: It is where we can find courage. (Courage is in the heart, fear is in the mind.) It is where love, self-love, and compassion reside. We can ask it for answers as it speaks to us through with its intuitive voice… if we are willing to listen. (Questions are in the mind, answers are in the heart.)

The magic happens when your heart and your mind become coherent, when they work together in harmony. Hence my teachings around a Self-Empowering Mindset & Heartset.

Self-Empowering Energy

It takes seven seconds to make a first impression, right? – That’s at least what we hear all the time. When, in reality, it takes a mere 0.07 seconds for our brains to figure out whether we can trust someone.

That is less than a blink of an eye. It must happen this fast because it is part of our survival mechanism. This is about our energy. Preparing energetically can change how you show up in business, in your career, and in life in general.

So, can you see now that it makes all the difference when you optimize your energy before meetings, job interviews, presentations, critical conversations, negotiations, or any other challenging situations?

Of course, our energy is inseparable from our body. Our posture and our body language impact the energy we convey and vice versa. Thus, power posing (as introduced by Amy Cuddy) or power dancing (my preferred variant) help us feel more confident. When we focus on our power energy, our inner power expands, this enhances our perceived (energetic) presence.

There are many other ways to optimize your energy and enhance your business and speaking presence, as described in some of the exercises included in my book Speak up, Stand out and Shine.

A Self-Empowering Spirit

Each of us may have a different spiritual practice, and as long as it doesn’t limit us (as many religious organizations have tried to do for the sake of controlling humans and keeping them smaller than they really are), any of them can be valuable in the context of self-empowerment.

What is important for any spiritual self-empowerment practice is that you don’t see yourself as the victim of your circumstances. This, again, is related to your mindset. Nothing is separate. All four elements are in fact inseparably intertwined, even if we contemplate them separately for the sake of offering some facts and suggested practices.

First and foremost, we are spiritual beings, and we are having a human experience. This means, we don’t “become spiritual.” We are spiritual. So, from my perspective, everyone is invited to connect to their highest spiritual self to explore which practice is most beneficial to them.  

I consider myself a free spirit. My spiritual essence doesn’t fit into any religious doctrine, and as a spiritual being, I can talk to God, my Source, my Creator directly. I need no intermediary and I prefer to avoid distortions. You are free to decide this for yourself. After all, you have been given free will for a reason.

In summary, if you rely on someone else to empower you, this may result in huge disappointment. Because it’s just not possible. That’s the bad news.

The good news is, you can empower yourself. In fact, you are already em-powered. You just need to remember to connect with the power that is in you so you can unleash it and tap into greater depths of your unused potential.

Always remember: You are meant to be the director of your life. This role comes with responsibility. It requires taking risks. But it also comes with the gift of freedom and unlimited possibilities.

I wish you the best, always!

Regina

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Dare to Live Your Freakin' Amazing Life!

Are you done living up to other people's expectations?

Do you feel like life is racing by and leaving you behind?

Do you want to live life fully and feel more fulfilled?

Are you ready to go FROM FREAKIN’ OUT TO FREAKIN’ AMAZING?

Your life is your stage. Own it!

It’s your time to… LIVE. LAUGH. LOVE,..

…and NOW is always the best moment for that.

Ready?

Watch my video and let’s start right here and now!

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What is Love and how do you create it?

Have you been in a loveless relationship?  Let me guess you’ve poured your heart soul and energy to make someone else happy as an act of love and it’s not reciprocated. Maybe you grew up feeling discarded left behind outcast. Even worse just used and manipulated.  You played out the romances as shown on TV and you’re left feeling more alone, unloved, or unloveable.  Relate to this? Read on.

“Do you love him?”  Asked the couples therapist, with the ex (then husband) present. I felt as though I was put on the spot.  I don’t know thoughts and calculations flooding in at that moment and all I could respond with was, “I don’t know but what I do know is that I do not love being treated the way I was in the relationship.” How could I conjure love for someone in feelings of hurt? Can love and feeling emotionally harmed co-exist simultaneously while being numbed out and dissociated from your feelings to process and speak a cohesive response? My answer was seen as unsatisfactory by the therapist and to be honest it was a confusing space where unconsciously I picked up that the ex was cheating on me yet I still gave the benefit of the doubt; against myself. I didn’t feel safe, did not feel like I could be heard, and certainly did not have trust for the therapist. I didn’t have my voice to say that let alone speak up as what I was experiencing but what was revealed to me in that moment was that … I don’t really know what love is.

What is love? 

The word “Love” gets confusing and convoluted very fast; the English language utilizes the word in a very broad generalized way. For example I love my cats, my car, my kid, my family, and significant other (should I have one). Are we talking about the hormonal-cocktail influenced infatuation to push procreation, the deeper significance in the realm of self love, the embodiment of love, or the emotion of feeling love? The most clear definition I’ve come across is this: “Love involves some combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment.”

However my theory is there’s no logic to love. It’s like a way of being, but I can only explain this using logical concepts so let's dive in.  Pick-up artists, or those with narcissistic tendencies, can manipulate or leverage the setup for activating the biochemical reactions to influence the short term infatuation, or utilize oxytocin producing factors to encourage bonding with another. They bring only their head to a hearts game, maybe it's mutual, or at some point that shifts from the feeding of instant needs to something deeper, or it simply ends in hurt.  With logic being a focus, “love” becomes objectified based on meeting needs such as sex, money, entertainment, safety, etc. once a need is met the relationship or desirability of the other individual or object is over.  For those who have been in a relationship with those with narcissistic tendencies this is why the emotional rollercoaster of the phases occurs. Yet love as an emotion, as a way of being, and the force behind the power of love, is way beyond that. Consider how we would limit an all powerful diety with our idea of it, so in the same way we limit love. With that stated concept of love is truly indescribable.  When I asked the question of “what is love?” On social media one spoke up about this factor, and overall few chose to answer.  Even psychology and studies fail to provide very defined and clear cut answers. 

The closest anyone has gotten to expanding on love is Enrich Fromm with his book, “The Art of Loving.”  Different authors provide different aspects, yet regardless of the information, or the relationship, you may still not truly feel loved. 

The truth I’ve opened up about love is that it comes down to this… you define love for yourself. It’s a combination of self knowledge, self love, and bringing integrity to our own understanding of love while realizing its limited.  When I know and acknowledge myself, I get to know, acknowledge, appreciate and value another for who they truly are, not what shortsighted needs they fulfill.

How to break the Loveless Cycle

KNOW THY SELF With self-knowledge you get to embrace the “good and the bad.” For those who have been through emotional and psychological abuse, knowing and acknowledging your self worth is huge!  However, the “positive vibes only” rhetoric often places unrealistic expectations on another just to watch them fall and for us to self inflict pain, by setting them up.  The thing is we all have our flaws and our unglamourous pasts of pain producing behavior and statements. Yet so many of us ditch that acknowledgement of ourselves to parade around in self-righteousness.  Sometimes this acknowledgement of adverse sides of the human experience only gives way for self-beat up, so how does one integrate into full self-knowledge? COMPASSION Compassion is simultaneously seeing someone, and seeing how that is mirrored in you!  This doesn't mean we are to allow someone to get away with horrific things as pity or sympathy would. The act of compassion is making an effort to uphold,or support them to make appropriate changes in their life so they become a better person because you care and caring is a key component of love. With that stated, this is the shocking part that establishes the reason you haven't felt loved. It is because you have not opened up to what your experience of it is. You will fail to see it, and receive it from another, as there's no reflection of that in you in the way of emotional self love establishing it. For example if I see holes in the ground I am going to assume those holes are from a creature I am aware of, say a prairie dog or snake. I don’t know, and how could I know, that the hole was actually created by a gopher if I’ve never encountered one or know the difference between a prairie dog and gopher. The same happens with feeling loved, truly loved in a relationship.

What can you do about feeling love?

At this point it may feel like a catch 22, how can you experience something so confusing and elusive? Love yourself, it’s that simple and that complex! Compassion is one step there, self care and self love carry that forward. There are many ways of developing self love, one is being aware of your internal dialogue or how you are seeing yourself. If you are relating to yourself or your body poorly that gets to change with affirmations, in the form of reminders of why who you are, as you are, get’s to be loveable. One way to do that is by acknowledging your favorite things about yourself, then go to your least favorite things about yourself and begin to consider seeing those in a positive light with gratitude until you fully embrace all of you. For example if you are overweight, or don’t like your ankles; you get to take a new perspective on it. Your weight gets to be thanked for protecting you, then you can work towards releasing it. Your ankles get to be thanked for carrying you or being part of you. Gratitude is a huge foundation for changes and creating love! That suggestion may not work for everyone if you want a personalized Self Love Method Click Below and I look forward to creating one just for you!

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What You Don't Know About Meditation Can Hurt you

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"The mind is the master of the body, and is the basis upon which sagacity, enlightenment, and wizardry can be achieved."  -- Awakening to the Tao by Lui I-Ming

In my childhood I would often close my eyes and begin contemplating… What is that which is smaller than a molecule? Atom

What is that which is smaller than an atom? Electron

What is that which is smaller than an electron? 

I didn’t know… I couldn’t know… I was a kid. There was no answer for me and I sat in that non-answer, embracing it being it; at full union with the unknown.

I don’t recall what inspired me to do this, or how many times I did this physics inspired countdown of matter. I have not idea as to how long I would sit in that space. There was no time, I didn’t need to consider it. There were no responsibilities, no distractions, no concerns; I could just let go and be one with the void. It was easy and instinctual for me, although it never occurred to me that this was called meditation.

Sadly I dropped this meditation somewhere along the way to adulthood. 

What is Meditation?

"The purpose of meditation is to give you space between you and your body, and you and your mind "  -- Sadhguru

Besides its vague references, it can take many forms, some have a distinct purpose while others have a “to each their own” spin on it. What works for one, may not work for everyone. There are meditations with eyes closed, eyes focused on a space, visualization, guided, unguided, with simple music or in silence. Some find it in mantras, while walking, with a tea ceremony, sitting in a chair with feet firmly on the ground, or in lotus position with legs crossed. Some observe their thoughts flow past like a river, others hold a single thought or intention in their mind, and then there’s the ones of no thoughts. You may even find you have to change things up after a time, as what worked for me so instinctively as a kid to get into a deep meditation, doesn’t work for me anymore. I’m still learning and exploring how to get back to that space of the “void.“ Yet within the exploration is revelation that we each need to seek the form of meditation that meets us where we are at, in consideration to who we are.

Why should I meditate?

Meditation has many practical benefits, it improves mental functioning, is great for alleviating worry, distress, depression, anxiety, reducing stress and much more!

The deeper benefits of meditation are it can take you to the door of your subconscious and beyond into achieving some very interesting things that gurus or metaphysical masters could elaborate on.

I’ve utilized some specific meditation processes for the purpose of counterbalancing or reprogramming thought patterns. Which is useful for rumination, obsessive, or intrusive thoughts.

A more explorative approach is the idea of interweaving meditation into various aspects of daily life such as mundane daily domestic tasks. Those moments where you find you “zone out”  are opportunities where awareness and intention can make them meditative and more enjoyable.

Are there adverse side effects of meditation?

Yes there are some studies that show that “mindfulness’ practices can occasionally increase dark or negative thoughts, bring up past trauma, anxiety, disorientation, depression, and lack of motivation. This is more likely to happen with those who have severe mental health problems. Yet this can happen on occasion to anyone, the study linked here does not go into details on how these mindfulness practices in the studies were conducted. This brings up the point that meditation is a ‘to each their own” sort of thing, where what works for one person might not work for another. Studies on this are limited.

I have personally found that a regular meditative practice with yoga daily has significantly increased my awareness, cognition, and decreased anxiety. I often recommend different types of meditation for the different needs of my clients with successful results. Want an introductory session with me Click Here. Do you meditate? I would love to see your response below!

CLICK HERE FOR YOUR FREE GUIDED MEDITATION VIDEO

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Top 10 Books To Read In 2022 To Make This Year A Success!

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Chances are you made a New Year Resolution or set an intention of how you want this year to work out for you. Whatever it is you want to create this year these books are some staples of getting you closer to your goals, the only thing lacking is someone to hold you accountable and keep you on track. *This post contains affiliate links that help keep Obscuram going

1. How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie

This title sounds like a narcissists handbook on manipulations tactics and I am not a fan of it! However, the content contained within is not as manipulating as it sounds! It’s more about recognizing and meeting another’s needs while recognizing and meeting your own. It comes down to crafting win-win situation’s and opening up possibilities not only for yourself but others too.

2. Give and Take by Adam M. Grant PhD

Are you a giver, taker or matcher? Do nice people always finish last? Which one of these interchangeable operating styles ultimately lead to lasting success and which situations are better suited for their use? Find out with this book. If you’ve been taken advantage of for being nice or accommodating the needs of someone else to a detriment to your own wellbeing this will provide some insights for you.

3. Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell

This is a deep dive into Understanding success and how to defy the odds through persistency and dedication!

I personally have a love hate relationship with this book but it is crucial on many levels and has great info backed by statistics on what it can take for you to be successful in your life.

4. The Soul of Money by Lynne Twist

An eye opening read of getting your head and heart straight about money, wealth and what really matters. What is it why is it and the implications it has on culture and society. If you need to work on your relationship with money this is a great book to start with.

5. Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill

This is the primer on manifestation and mindset. This is Bob Proctors bible! Your thoughts influence the way you see the world, with persistence and discipline you can change your thoughts to create better prospects and more money! If your new years resolution or intention is abundance, prosperity, or wealth this is the book for you and to get started below are a few easy things to do to increase your income!

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6. Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari

What does it mean to be human and how can you use this to know thy self so that you can have the best advantages by using the unique innate strengths of our species to live a better life. This book is brimming with knowledge and incorporates elements of business, anthropology, archeology, evolution and more.

7. The Power of Vulnerability by Brené Brown AUDIOBOOK ONLY

This is called the power of vulnerability but it dives deep into shame how complex and covert it is and how we can deal with this in ourselves and with others. If your find yourself stuck in an unending self sabotaging pattern loop this will be a refreshing game changer!

8. Change Your Questions, Change Your Life by Marilee G. Adams PhD

Let go of assumptions and Learn how to get curious, ask better questions to create better interactions with others. Most of all, you get to learn self coaching strategies that work to support you thorough some challenging situations!

Ask better questions to get better answers live a better life!

9. The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz

A staple on personal development Toltec Native American wisdom and how integrity with 4 simple agreements can dramatically improve your life! Reveal the concepts to create personal freedom! The power of words in Mindset and manifestation! The simplicity of how this information is broken down really supports in understanding these concepts that are vague.

10. It All Begins with "I" by Stuart K Robinson

The “New Rules of Thinking” and the Simple Secrets to Living a Rich, Joyous and Fulfilled Life. I was taking acting classes from Stuart K Robinson at the time he published this book. It’s a primer on divergent and critical thinking skills to give you the ability to see the world or things in a different way. This gets you out of your own way by exposing self imposed limitations and getting you inspired to break free from them.

BONUS: Can I Get Some Sleep?: A guide for quick and easy tips to get a good night's rest! by brettney perr

Some shameless self promotion on this bonus book… one of the greatest parts of self care is sleep! It manages you mental and physical health, which is why I wrote my book to give you the upper hand on your health and wellness, with easy effortless and affordable means to do so immediately! It’s Only Available at Amazon

Which book are you likely to dive into this year and what is on your list of required reading for success? Comment Below

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Happy Holidays & 2021 Year Review

Happy Holidays from Obscuram may you remain in good health this season and into the New Year!

Year in Review

Obscuram turned 2 on Oct 11th and I’m going to admit it was a slow year with managing Obscuram, but it was not slow in regards to readership. I am in awe and gratitude for your continued support!

Obscuram at this time, is still a passion project, meaning I put my time money and talents and expect nothing in return. This does create a bit of a problem as it becomes lower on the priority scale. Due to that, I was not able to do a summit this year although desire was there to do so, and I have a backlog of posts to complete.

If you have enjoyed, been inspired by or helped in any way by this space please consider donating via paypal below

In 2022 I am making it a point to be more committed and connected to this space and for what it is to become. Which means I get to connect with you more as well.

In that, I am opening this space up for anyone to provide content, if you have a story to share, I am interested to see if it fits with Obscuram’s purpose.

I am also looking for a podcast editor please send me a reel or examples of your work. Click the button below to submit your content for review.

On A Personal Note

I get to open up and be vulnerable… 2021 was quite a year for me, I started it homeless, now housed. Was in a leadership program, coached said leadership program. Had dating / relationship coaching. Did not have use of my main computer for months, and finally repaired it myself. My daughter has been back to in person in schooling. Filed a restraining order, lost, but still set boundaries so I have my freedom, now adjusting to the new found freedom. Although said individual likes to be my greatest fan …I have let go of the fear and the control that had over me. Healing from the abuse is a journey and I am now more equipped to support others who have dealt with those of narcissistic tendencies. Lastly but not at all least…I published my first book

My intention for 2021 was ease flow and grace and it has been quite a year! Yet being mindful of my time, energy and most of all creating the space for ample rest did provide the ease flow and grace I needed.

With staying steadfast in a space of “things get to be easy,” I don’t have to push myself to extremes and I don’t have to prove myself through what I provide or do. I have dipped my toes into pool of understanding self worth and value. While shifting my ideas or beliefs on what the qualifiers for these concepts are.

There’s still a lot that gets to be explored on it but I am looking forward to sharing on this in 2022 and supporting those who deal with mental health struggles and trauma. If you are having a tough time this holiday season I am here to support you! Click Here to Schedule a Time.

My cherished readers I would love to hear from you on what has resonated with you in these two years of Obscuram.

What would you like to see more of?

What is your favorite post and why?

Do you have your intentions set for 2022?

I look forward to seeing your comments below!

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Sleep Talk with Dr. Jamee Mae Kyson of Mama's Melody Mist

Join Jamee and I as we discuss how important it is to get Quality Sleep as a Parent and she shares her secrets to doing this, overcoming postpartum depression and what she developed, packaged with a whole experience to support you!

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Mama's Melody Mist, Song + Spray improves sleep and brain health, CPTG certified, beyond organic, developed & approved by PhD neuroscientist

Dr. Jamee Kyson is a trained neuroscientist (Ph.D., UCLA) with 14 years experience in autism and language research and 16 years experience with essential oils. Jamee has published 10 journal articles in prestigious neuroscience journals and has given talks around the country on the science of essential oils.

        Jamee is also a singer-songwriter who has worked with Grammy-award winning producers, performed in several high-profile events, including the Genius Loci Music Festival, the Lucidity Music Festival (recurring performer), and the LoveLife:Livestream event, which included performances by Rachel Platten and Andy Grammer. Jamee’s music video, “Candle,” was selected by the Lady Filmmakers Festival and Holly Shorts and screened at the legendary TCL Chinese (formally Grauman’s Chinese) Theatre in Hollywood, California. Jamee’s song, “Follow Me,” was featured in the short film, “She Was,” which won best Experimental Short at the 2019 L.A. Live Film Festival. 

        Jamee believes that plant medicines combined with healing music have the power to transform healthcare and help each of us live more balanced and vibrant lives. Jamee lives with her husband, James, and daughters, Kaileia and Kayden, in Nashville and Los Angeles.

Want More Info and Sleep Resources go to CANIGETSOMESLEEP.COM

Get the support to be free, fulfilled and live the life you deserve. Schedule your DISCOUNTED INTRODUCTORY SESSION BELOW!

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Obscuram Stories Citadel - The Emotional Walls we Build and How to Overcome Them

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Click Here For Video This is an Obscuram story called Citadel These walls have stood for thousands of years. These walls have stopped invasions. These walls have withstood the test of time. These walls hid Beauty. These walls kept secrets. These walls the wrong people out these walls inhibited connection. These walls prevented innovation. These walls created disconnect. These walls created loneliness. These walls created misunderstanding. These walls kept everyone out. These walls prevented visions from manifesting. These walls became a burden. These walls that you created to protect yourself, became a Maximum Security Prison for One.

Most emotional walls are built from a space of pain, hurt, and trauma.

These walls or emotional barriers, are evocative of the feelings physical walls give; feelings of security, autonomy, and protection. Much the same as emotional walls yet these keep out connection, intimacy, and vulnerability in exchange for feeling safe from harm. Sometimes the walls are like an energetic dam holding in life giving water; this water represents your life lessons or the gifts you get to share with the world. This is essentially when you hide yourself and who you are.

Other times the energetic dam holds in a shadowy superfund site with a cesspool of unspoken uncleared unhealed festering baggage. There's the phrase of “time heals all wounds” it does to an extent like the fluid of the cesspool will evaporate, yet there’s still a toxic dumping ground of a wound.

Wouldn't it be great if I could say, “just take down the walls and enjoy your freedom!”

That would be a disservice peddled by those who would rather dissociate or bypass, than dive deep into what healing can look like. It’s similar to telling a depressed person to “smile” or “just be happy,” maybe that helps a bit, but it’s not healing the core wounds of depression nor creating healthy coping mechanisms and lifestyle changes. 

The truth is it can take time, the wounds get to be addressed and healed with awareness, shadow work (cleaning up the cesspool) and support.

"I’ve discovered, with the way I was raised, that I lack certain social and emotional behavior skills. Which many with a significant form of nurturing in their youth, receive the benefits of and are unconscious of or unknowingly take for granted. "  -- Brettney Perr

I have my own walls and I've been granted some huge awareness around this recently. My childhood includes emotional and psychological abuse, and it has severely impacted my life and decisions leading up to now. The drawbacks, discussed above, have taken a huge toll. I was raised with no one to go to for support, actually when I would cry was when most of the abuse would happen. Nurturing was not a thing in my multi-generational household, my grandmother was mostly tapped out on watching TV, my mother dealt with divorce in my first years of life and being a single mom having her own unhealed unspoken of abuse, she could not be there for me either. My father was barely present in my childhood and not even my paternal side of the family knows of or has any knowledge about his whereabouts since the 1990’s. Naturally feelings of abandonment, feeling worthless, unlovable, not being accepted, and not good enough were fostered. Praise was not a thing in my household, yet calling me names and commenting on my weight was common.  My weight was a physical padding protecting me from the world. I leveraged it to be intimidating with tactics developed to keep people away, which worked so well I never dated in school. More on my weight loss journey can be found HERE In my early 20’s I went into a marriage with that baggage and got the same results of what I was raised with, more pain, more trauma, ultimately abandonment as he hid affairs and ultimately he jumped into marriage with a woman he had an affair with. Asking for emotional support was a terrifying concept, dropping my walls has led to panic attacks, and even receiving praise and acknowledgement was uncomfortable, awkward, and challenging to let it all in. My walls became a citadel, an insurmountable fortress to the outside world, lacking trust with a foundation of, “I can do it myself.”  I’ve discovered, with the way I was raised, that I lack certain social and emotional behavior skills. Which, many with a significant form of nurturing in their youth, receive the benefits of and are unconscious of or unknowingly take for granted. When I’ve received coaching around this, it's been a catch 22 of misunderstanding and a challenge articulating what I’ve been struggling with which has brought about support that is like asking a blind from birth person what color your shirt is, telling them it's blue and expecting them to know what blue is besides a 4 letter word and a description of a color that they have never seen. This played out the old cycle of feeling, unheard, misunderstood, and back in that space of thinking, “those walls look pretty good; I can do it and figure it out myself!”

So what does it really take to let down the walls and heal?

Deep Rooted Insight and Awareness

When there is a wall there is something you are protecting yourself from and one way that wall comes down is when what you want to create and achieve is greater than the protection being provided by that wall.

Know how the wall was built; fully see and acknowledge it.  Some questions to ask are:

When did I start putting up a wall to emotional intimacy and connection? If it’s from trauma where does it originate? Go way back into your childhood.

What is the core wound of the trauma? A core wound is usually one word that sums up what a person is dealing with, mine is abandonment, with others I've worked with it can be anything from pain to shame. If this is something hidden from you seek support  Schedule an Intro Session Here https://www.obscuram.com/intro-session

Have an idea of the outcome you want to create in your life, and how has this emotional barrier inhibited that?

Gratitude

Once through the walls, what is learned and unique talents are what you take with you. For me personally there are benefits from what I experienced in my past, that I honor and acknowledge have made me who I am. I learned to be an autodidact, a polymath, resourceful, creative, multitalented, self coaching,  near unlimited individual as I got to do and figure out so much on my own. Giving support is something I do very well, although receiving the love and support I’ve given has been chaotic in the process of trial and error.

Let The Compliments In

Getting hit on or getting compliments in public was a source of judgment, frustration, upset, suspicion and hell-naw. Overall I couldn't take a compliment and even worse was subversively seeing it as a threat! I’ve since learned to navigate that by being open, curious, and gracious. Compliments in passing are seen just as that, and actually being asked out by someone I’m not interested in is met with a considerate,” thank you but I will pass.”

Other Considerations

Lean in or stay present and aware, when you want to pull back, hide, or retreat. Become curious and don’t force it.

Forgiveness for yourself, others, and situations; events that occur that are beyond your control if this is a tough subject for you CLICK HERE for support on how forgiveness can look for your situation.

Healing Fully Does Not Happen Alone

You can have the knowledge, do the inner work, and yet still have challenges. With emotional walls you can only do so much on your own, it takes others to see where you are at with your internal healing and to truly open up. Find a trustworthy person, support group or program This can be a therapist, coach such as myself, or a program such as transformation programs, domestic violence support groups, or addiction support groups which are even for family members of those dealing with wall creating trauma inducing addiction.

Supporting LOVED ONES

If you are reading this and it reminds you of a significant person in your life, here's some ideas on how you can support someone who has their walls up! Just as with one exploring healing on their own If you do not have an understanding of what the wall is, you could get cut on some emotional razor wire!

Empathy

See them, hear them, understand, connect and reflect!  It's one of the key components described by Brene Brown in her audiobook “The Power Of Vulnerability” Avoid jumping to conclusions, listen and be curious by asking open ended questions not leading questions! Click Here for some info on what open ended questions look like

Empowerment Over Sympathy

People have cried for me over things that I've gone through and that’s weird, I’m here, I’m alive, and healthy, I made it though ...why are you crying? I told a friend about how much money I made in a year, and she told me she cried! How about highlighting that it's impressive to live as a single mom on a low income, maybe consider asking, “How do you do it? How on earth do you make this work?” I was left feeling like I couldn't be authentic and open around my friend. It seemed to hurt her, I felt unseen, and odd like there was something wrong with me. I also had a therapist who would listen to me and respond with “that's traumatic!” I admit I mitigate or diminish my experiences, however, I question whether that made the ordeal I was dealing with worse in the long run. Yet overall having someone to talk to was helpful! The truth is: How do tears or sympathy support another in a similar space? How does that support someone to grow or overcome their challenges? If it's tough to hear what someone has gone through, acknowledge your feelings with that, and acknowledge that they’ve gotten through it. The unrevealed fact is: They have mastered something you have not! Ask them how they got through it, and stand with them for their strength, resilience, power, etc.! Would you cry for David Blaine and his stunts? He intentionally made his choices to do the stunts, but at the end of the day he got through it and most people marvel afterwards. A challenge overcome is a challenge overcome no matter how it’s undertaken or what it specifically is. For a significant person in your life to share with you what they’ve learned, brings them out from behind the emotional wall and you will learn something in the process! Comment below on what came up for you and if this is something you need support with Click Here to set up a session Now!

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The Darkside of Empaths that we don't want you to know

If you do a search on empaths you can find a lot of the same information, they are highly sensitive, narcissist fodder, and more; repurposed in different ways. Yet you won't see much of anything on the science or theories behind these abilities. That’s understandable, as many people lump these abilities in with esotericism, mysticism and woo-woo. I’m going to start by taking the mysticism out of it, but I won’t leave you there. 

There are different categories of empaths, along with varying intensity of those abilities. Some who associate with being an empath can be more influenced by having physiological reactions to our innate biochemistry. What I mean by that is, the way a pet can “sense” your feelings. If you are sad they are right there by your side to comfort you. It’s likely the same with insects such as bees, ever notice when you are afraid of them they seem to go after you even if you froze in your fight or flight state? Much of this is due to changes in your scent, think pheromones.  Pheromones are a chemical that we secrete which influences the behavior of those around us. Even though pheromones themselves are undetectable, we cant see or smell them, we still react to them; they can still greatly affect us and our behaviors. Pheromones simplified are scent molecules that invade our bloodstream and then change our behavior in reaction to the chemical being detected in our body. 

“Pheromone signals affect you subconsciously. You may not be aware of them until the effects are impossible to ignore.” The way our bodies react to this may differ, and some people are going to be more sensitive to the influence of pheromones than others.

Moving forward with that in mind, we can also pick up on, and be influenced by, what we perceive through our other senses subconsciously.  As we are ocularly, audibly, tangibly and gustatorily taking in information we can be influenced by what is received.  Our brains take in and process far more stimuli than we realize, much of it gets filtered out of our conscious mind and how much much is not readily studied or revealed in the scientific field. The questions still stand of, “what happens to the rest, and what really is the extent of the data that we are taking in?” Some progress can be found by clicking here The other theory behind empathic abilities is with what powers our bodies.  Our bodies carry electricity; when someone is in cardiac arrest, a defibrillator sends an electric shock to the heart. Basically, under certain conditions you can be jump-started like a car.  There is not a whole lot of information on how our bodies electrical system works and the full extent of what it's capable of but we are beginning to move in that direction  “The new technology appeared in a Sony patent filing that describes how engineers in the company's Tokyo research unit developed wireless headphones that rely on electrical signals sent through the body.” - ARS Technica    

This also coincides with abilities such as mirror touch synesthesia. Given those considerations we are all biologically predisposed to being empaths on some level. Many empaths would agree that their abilities can run on proximity, however the most interesting and unexplained is with COVID even being socially distanced there are empaths that can still perceive and there are significant overlapping similarities on the effects experienced with social distancing. Nearly all had insomnia, feeling drained, hyper-sensitive, or advanced their capabilities. So that mostly rules out things of proximity such as electrical field or pheromone based concepts with certain groups of empaths. Which brings up the theory that certain empathic abilities fall within the realm of consciousness, and what that is, still remains a mystery, likely one that would address subjects like psychic abilities.

If you are an empath or want to know more about empathic abilities join me for a Live Virtual Summit as I interview several specialists for this FREE one day event!

click get access below to register

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What are empathic abilities?

If you do a search on empaths you can find a lot of the same information, they are highly sensitive, narcissist fodder, and more; repurposed in different ways. Yet you won't see much of anything on the science or theories behind these abilities. That’s understandable, as many people lump these abilities in with esotericism, mysticism and woo-woo. I’m going to start by taking the mysticism out of it, but I won’t leave you there. 

There are different categories of empaths, along with varying intensity of those abilities. Some who associate with being an empath can be more influenced by having physiological reactions to our innate biochemistry. What I mean by that is, the way a pet can “sense” your feelings. If you are sad they are right there by your side to comfort you. It’s likely the same with insects such as bees, ever notice when you are afraid of them they seem to go after you even if you froze in your fight or flight state? Much of this is due to changes in your scent, think pheromones.  Pheromones are a chemical that we secrete which influences the behavior of those around us. Even though pheromones themselves are undetectable, we cant see or smell them, we still react to them; they can still greatly affect us and our behaviors. Pheromones simplified are scent molecules that invade our bloodstream and then change our behavior in reaction to the chemical being detected in our body. 

“Pheromone signals affect you subconsciously. You may not be aware of them until the effects are impossible to ignore.” The way our bodies react to this may differ, and some people are going to be more sensitive to the influence of pheromones than others.

Moving forward with that in mind, we can also pick up on, and be influenced by, what we perceive through our other senses subconsciously.  As we are ocularly, audibly, tangibly and gustatorily taking in information we can be influenced by what is received.  Our brains take in and process far more stimuli than we realize, much of it gets filtered out of our conscious mind and how much much is not readily studied or revealed in the scientific field. The questions still stand of, “what happens to the rest, and what really is the extent of the data that we are taking in?” Some progress can be found by clicking here The other theory behind empathic abilities is with what powers our bodies.  Our bodies carry electricity; when someone is in cardiac arrest, a defibrillator sends an electric shock to the heart. Basically, under certain conditions you can be jump-started like a car.  There is not a whole lot of information on how our bodies electrical system works and the full extent of what it's capable of but we are beginning to move in that direction  “The new technology appeared in a Sony patent filing that describes how engineers in the company's Tokyo research unit developed wireless headphones that rely on electrical signals sent through the body.” - ARS Technica    

This also coincides with abilities such as mirror touch synesthesia. Given those considerations we are all biologically predisposed to being empaths on some level. Many empaths would agree that their abilities can run on proximity, however the most interesting and unexplained is with COVID even being socially distanced there are empaths that can still perceive and there are significant overlapping similarities on the effects experienced with social distancing. Nearly all had insomnia, feeling drained, hyper-sensitive, or advanced their capabilities. So that mostly rules out things of proximity such as electrical field or pheromone based concepts with certain groups of empaths. Which brings up the theory that certain empathic abilities fall within the realm of consciousness, and what that is, still remains a mystery, likely one that would address subjects like psychic abilities.

If you are an empath or want to know more about empathic abilities join me for a Live Virtual Summit as I interview several specialists for this FREE one day event!

click get access below to register

The Empowered Empath Summit is aFREE event that takes place on Nov 14th 2020 10am to 6pm GET ACCESS

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Michael Bevin's - Silent Journeys with Brettney Perr

I was recently interviewed by Michael Bivens of Silent Journeys! His podcast Silent Journeys is on having honest conversations about mental health. Listen below for my story and head over to https://www.msbivens.com/silentjourneys for more!

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Obscuram Turns 1

The seed for the concept of Obscuram began over a year ago, but was officially launched on Oct 11th 2019.

Today Oct 11th 2020 Obscuram is 1! I am thankful for the love and support of you reading this right now and the community surrounding this project this idea that is set to become more. 

I am in deep gratitude and astonishment for the doors that continue to open, for those I get to connect with and to serve or directly guide you on your path of healing, growth, and empowerment. I am thankful for connecting with, and empowering the unknown sages - who are brave enough to share their stories and insights. Witnessing you step into your authentic self and drop the shackles of shame and guild is an immeasurable joy that I get to witness and experience with you! There are a lot of exciting things afoot and I can’t wait to share them with you! Stay tuned and I’m thankful that you are here! Lets celebrate!

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8 Things to learn from Karens on living your best life

We've either seen the videos or experienced a Karen in person in the many inceptions of Becky or Permit Patty and there's the male variants too! They can have similar body types yet they all have very identical behavior patterns. Yet there are valuable lessons that you can learn from these people on how to live better. This article contains affiliate links that directly support Obscuram.com Within this article there is documentation of experience with the legal system, this is Not Legal Advice, I am not an attorney! If you are in the US and need of legal assistance send a message below and options will be provided for you.

Typical “Karen” behavior patterns:

1. Often Inebriated – Alcohol or other substances 2. Blaming / Shaming 3. Emotionally Invalidating 4. Antagonistic 5. Demanding 6. Authoritarian 7. Racist 8. Gaslighting 9. Entitled 10. Nosy 11. Belligerent 12. Lies or Exaggerations 13. Aggrandized Self-Victimization / Victim Playing 14. Breaking Boundaries / Rules 15. Opportunistic 16. Manipulative

In addition to the videos you’ve likely seen on the internet, I've had multiple experiences of my own. There was the “friend” and coworker who decided she had priority parking over everyone else, as a supervisor I had to step up and ask her to move, this was met with hostility and complaints of having to pay for parking. A luxury that I could not afford at the time even as a supervisor. I would would find free parking and walk a few blocks to work. Eventually her continued actions got the best of her and she lost her job. Then I have my own unreleased “Karen” videos, where I was harassed by a mother and live in adult daughter duo who “don't care about the law.” They took it upon themselves to harass me to the point I had to have police officers on Civil Standby until things were handled.

These encounters are really triggering, and you may already know their behavior by the term of “narcissistic abuse.” These are “narcissists” in the wild. Click here to learn more about narcissistic abuse and what victims can do to heal from it. With these close encounters of the Karen kind, I've learned to utilize some of their tactics in a positive, pro-active, empowering way as well as learning from their mistakes.

Foundational rules:

Don't be a Karen, ditch the rude behavior, flawed ideas and ignorance. Do be nice, polite, empathetic and reasonable, following those basics will help you achieve your goals. I also highly suggest reading, “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. The title is cringe-worthy but the content is actually about listening and building better communication skills.

8 Things I’ve Learned from Karens

1. Don't be afraid to ask

Make reasonable requests and ask questions to get information and facts. I've gotten lots of feedback on my social media videos on IGTV and that has led to the question of what app I’ve been using. Once that happened a few times I did a bit of research to see if they had an affiliate program, I couldn’t find one I reached out to the company Veme.ly on Instagram.

To get a discount off of an annual plan on Veme.ly CLICK HERE

2. Don't take “No” for an answer

This isn't to be used in relationships as an act of coercion. If someone says no to a sexual act, respect that! In 2017 I was a passenger in a major auto wreck where we ended up on the sidewalk 100 yards and 45 degrees in a different direction away from our trajectory. Both cars were totaled. I was supposed to show up in court for a “fix it” ticket 2 weeks after that happened. With the extent of my injuries there was no way I could think of doing that or even make it happen as I couldn't stand for longer than 15 min without having to shift between siting and laying down as well. I couldn’t even recall the citation until I was graced with a $700 charge on my “failure to appear” and another court date was set for me to show for that. When the date came I was there with evidence in hand to support the fact that I was too injured to appear. I then made the mistake of being ok with a pro-tem hearing my case instead of an official judge. The pro-tem denied reviewing my evidence and decided to rely on their assumption that I was only under “bed rest.” It was a literal insult to my injuries, in labeling me as guilty and having to pay an extreme amount of money for a light out on my car. I submitted an appeal on the violations of judicial conduct due to the fact the pro-tem refused to review my evidence. The appeal was granted, but preceding with the appeal was too strenuous, and I dropped it. There was one last ditch effort of asking what I could do and was greeted with a fee reduction form. The judge that reviewed it removed the charges entirely! It took persistence, it took work, yet I didn't let the pro-tem's “no” stop me.

3. Speak to the supervisor

When I was working through my financial illiteracy problems I had to take a clear look at my mistakes and also factor in the bank's mistakes, because as I became hawk in monitoring my bank statements I noted the mess of fees that were bank errors. The bank has limitations of being able to remove fees once in a season if you already had that happen you couldn't do it again until the next season. Yet if you kindly asked for a supervisor to do review they had the ability to change it, obviously if things were indeed erroneous. This doesn't just work for banks either and remember to be very kind, polite, and have a reasonable request.

4. Value yourself With Learning

When you value yourself you won't go around devaluing others. Narcissists are considered to love themselves too much and the fact is that's not the case. They actually don't have self love and they use others to fill that void. One crucial way to value yourself is to know yourself, know your rights and the expected, proper, or legal ways to enact on or uphold them. The best way to do this is to keep learning and keep being open to new information even if it challenges the old. This helps you to remain relevant, and grow as a being, in an ever changing world. I wouldn’t have survived what I’ve been through if I failed to learn from my mistakes. Bonus: Continued learning or keeping your mind active can prevent dementia. I’m wondering if some of the “Karens” are actually dealing with this.

5. Speak up

Especially against injustice or mistreatment, and on your thoughts and feelings! A friend of mine brought me in to help with an ongoing negotiation situation. She called me in to be the ultra-calm-can-the-BS-intimidating-spokesperson for her. Yet this is not just for you to speak up for others, speak up for yourself too. Also the ability to incorporate and enact on these is dependent upon your ability to speak up!

6. Be persistent Make change happen

It actually takes one or a few people to get the ball rolling and committing to seeing change through. Changes in the laws can also be achieved though legal action with how a judge rules on a case in court. I recently did a video on this here. My own personal story; I had a landlord issue where I attempted to work it out, through research and presenting cost saving alternatives to resolve our situation. Their attorney didn't want to hear any of it so I needed to get an attorney of my own. While in court waiting for mediation I saw an attorney who was representing a family and was highly intelligent. I ended up tracking him down just before he left, I asked his name and if he could represent me he asked what my name was. After I told him he said “I know you and we've been talking about you at the office.” I got my attorney, and here's why. I relentlessly pursued the know how to support my my goals. With that I had an online consultation at the LA Law Library with this attorney but I couldn't see him, yet he recognized my name and I had contacted his office with specific requests to fill the gaps in my knowledge. I showed up and I stepped up every part of the way! This is how persistence pays off and things were resolved in my favor.

7. Seek Opportunities

This is the greatest learning and it has supported me greatly! I mentioned the online consultation at the LA Law Library, what I didn’t mention was that the consultations were all booked when I showed up. I asked what their policy was for those who didn’t show, and then I explained my situation and that the time lost from the grace period would still accommodate my request. Needless to say I got in and gained the info I needed quickly. Just the act of looking into resources to support my desired outcome granted this opportunity in the first place.

8. Have an attitude of gratitude

This is what the “Karens” are missing and its their biggest life mistake! Gratitude is the ability to see and appreciate your life and what you have. When you are thankful there’s compassion, empathy, self validation and no need to flex your power in abusive control tactics. With gratitude you invite feelings of security, calmness, and confidence. That creates true self worth, as you respect the value of what you have and what you can give yourself. It’s not easy to incorporate changes in your life and I am thankful for these insights that I’ve learned in the hard way so you don’t have to. There is an easier way of attaining your goals, growth and most of all empowerment! Claim your power and find out what support is available to you by filling out the form below!

-Brettney Perr

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The Dirt On Lucy Smith

Play the Podcast here

Transcription is Below with links excerpts from the book and more info:

This Podcast is titled “The Dirt on Lucy Smith.” On this episode we speak with Lucy Smith an author, multi-talented artist, and life coach, who fills us in on her book, “The Dirt: An Illustrated 100% Uncensored Memoir of a Girl With Mental Illness.”

Lucy Smith: First of all, thanks for having me on here. I appreciate the exposure. It's true that artists, can't live on exposure, but I think it's also important to bring our message to as many people as possible. I wrote the dirt because I was suffering. I was at this point where I was like, no one's hearing me, I'm reaching out and nothing's happening. So I thought, it's time to be dramatic and put my stuff out there for all to see, and it turned out well. A lot of people have told me that my book has helped them. Basically, it's just a summary of my experiences with my mental illness or illness' as I had been growing up and, even some that were more recent, a lot of anxiety over, love relationships, and things like that. So anything having to do with that was very stressful for me. But it helped to kind of put my struggles out there in a tangible form I really liked and was quite surprised by the amount of positive feedback that I got. It made me feel like I was doing something right because people were like, Oh, you made me feel like I'm not alone. And some women that were, around 60 years old are saying this to me. If I had that book when I was your age. I would've felt much less alone or self-destructive or what have you, and knowing that I've done that for people just by being myself and offering what I offer is really motivational so that's inspiring me to make more things.

Brettney Perr: Very cool . So what is your history growing up? I also want to touch on the subject of you feeling like it was a dramatic thing to write and publish this when in actuality it's helping and healing people through you being open and honest.

Lucy Smith: That's strange I hear that completely I know and it's kind of weird for someone to say that "it's very dramatic to write a story." Where I grew up and what the general consensus was, is that if you spoke out, raised your voice, or made a stir, you were being dramatic or causing drama. Basically if you were rocking the boat, you were unwelcome, and I rocked many a boat. I had lots of depression going on, but also social anxiety. In a lot of cases, I felt like I was being mistreated and a lot of things were not there, but when I spoke out about it, I was often told to, "not take things so seriously, don't take it so personally." Just a lot of really kind of diminishing dehumanizing responses to what I was going through, and I thought, that's bullshit! The response was either like, "you handle it behind closed doors" or "you take care of your shit on your own terms, because no one wants to deal with your sh*t. No one has the capacity to deal with your shit!" And that was the message that was internalized for me and for many other people in my generation and our tiny village. It was a town called Wilmington, Delaware, and I also spent a lot of time in Philadelphia. The response was much the same. It was, you kept that to yourself because if anyone was struggling or anything, "you could divide us and create a disturbance" and I couldn't have disagreed more. Like for me, it was more important to bring people together and to cultivate understanding instead of trying to cultivate shame. And so I, became hardcore, 100% against shaming. I was all for individual expression. I was very passionate about these things and I'm glad that my work paid off.

Brettney Perr: It's interesting how people are so apt to shutting down emotions rather than letting people have them and how do you think that affected you growing up, not being able to have someone there to support you and your emotional space?

Lucy Smith: Well, I definitely internalized a lot, and so I had all these fantasies that I would try to cope with. There was this guy who used to tease me in school. He asked me out on a date one day and I was so confused because it felt like since I had known him, he would make fun of me. You know, the old adage, "Oh, well, boys will be boys, and if a boy teases you, it means he really likes you." That did not make sense to me whatsoever. So I told him I had a boyfriend that lived in Japan. That was my coping mechanism, and what I did was I actually took a character from one of my favorite anime series at the time and I knew that he wouldn't know the difference. So I made up all these traits and all these characteristics and I was like, "yeah, like we talk all the time. and so no, we can't date because I'm happily involved." Sure, sure you are. I was like, no, I am really, and it just felt like I was being intruded upon, like how dare you question my impetus to be single. That was the thing that happened. Yeah. It was a lot of bullying that led me to internalize a lot of things and blame myself for a lot of stuff that was actually someone else's fault.

Brettney Perr: Going on from there, it's interesting how it inspired you to be highly creative creating this caricature to protect yourself in those moments of like, "I'm not going to go with someone who has, obviously mistreated me in the past and is now asking me out. I'm not going to permit that." Which in one instance is very interesting. It's very counterculture because women are more predisposed to dating the asshole. That old adage that's going on. You totally defied that, kind of turned it on its head, and took control of the situation in a very interesting way. And that's awesome! How has that helped you grow your creativity? Because you've obviously done a transmutation process with everything that's happened with your mental illnesses let's go into that a little bit.

Lucy Smith: Yeah, sure, I guess doing all that was in a completely unconscious process. I didn't even know the significance of what I was doing at the time. I thought I was just doing some self-preservation, like hardcore self-preservation. Because it felt very intrusive what he was trying to do. I kind of, I feel like I made a way for myself unconsciously. I've always been very good at drawing and, communicating with my art. So there'd be times where I would draw my feelings and I would basically, use my art to say things that I either wasn't allowed to say or was, discouraged from saying, it did get me a lot of trouble sometimes.

Brettney Perr: I know that you do modeling as well. Which is also defiant especially coming from the background of, being teased, being bullied, and you just kind of keyed right into it and go, Nope, I'm going to present myself!

Lucy Smith: I definitely think I am physically fortunate in a lot of aspects. I kind of use that to my advantage. as people would try to put me down because of my size. I instead would do a bunch of makeup looks because I know I have a pretty face. And I was like, you know what if people don't care about anything else. I know they're going to pay attention to beauty and sex and all that fun stuff. So I also got into burlesque, and I kind of made it a hardcore effort of mine to help other people. I say "people" because there were a lot of gender-nonconforming individuals in the troops and around the troops that I was involved in, to help them realize that, it's okay to have fun and present themselves and without worrying about what other people are thinking because, in the end, it's your mental health, it's your self-care. It's not your and everyone else's at the same time! I feel like we're conditioned as a culture if one of us feels bad about our body, then everybody has to feel bad about their body. Like, "Oh, you have to fix this, so you have to, do this and this'll come out this way, and then you won't have any more anxieties and you can date the boy or girl of your dreams or whatever." There are all these conditionals like you can only have it "if, you can only do this, if you present in a certain way, or if you pass it's just, societal conditioning and my opinion is its bullshit and it's changing for the better, and I'm glad to be a part of that.

Brettney Perr: At the forefront of it, to be honest with you releasing a book that's so vulnerable and open like this, it creates a huge shift for healing and for the better. Definitely agree on all counts that the social conditioning is complete bullshit and needs to stop. It still sits with me hearing you say, that it's a dramatic thing to launch this book. So what did you have to do to talk yourself through that into committing to it, and what was the biggest shift in your life that made you say, "I'm going to do this?"

Lucy Smith: That's actually a great question because for the longest time I would just kind of procrastinate on it and put it off. I'd be like, I'm not doing this today, or I'm gonna wait till I feel better, or just any excuse, like, Oh, it rained today I'm not going to work, my roommates sneezed, I'm not going to work on it. It's like the dumbest things, and I was like, you know what? I'm just going to do it. I'm not going to worry about if it's perfect or not. Like, of course, it's not going to be perfect. It's a work of art. Art is subjective. I just basically had to talk myself into publishing it instead of trying to talk myself out of it. Once I started thinking in a more positive way, more productive, then it was like, "Oh, okay, I'm good at convincing things to happen." I'm good at, I guess, being manipulative in that way. So it was kind of like, you know what if you do that? Then you can do this and you can do that, and then all these other things will open up. So just being positive instead of being fearful and negative, and limiting, helped a lot.

Brettney Perr: I wouldn't take that as being manipulative. I would take it as making a change in how you regard yourself. It's kind of that basic principle of self-care and being your own coach, your own cheerleader type of thing. I guess it could fall under manipulation, but it's really, a helpful, positive thing.

Lucy Smith: Yeah.

Brettney Perr: When did that idea strike you of, I need to change this aspect about me to be my own cheerleader?

Lucy Smith: Basically when I was struggling, I was having a mini existential crisis about it. Like, Oh my God, I'm never going to finish this. This is going to be on the shelf forever and then I will hate myself and if it's going to be the thing that never died, and I was like, you know what? No. Like, I'm going to put an end to all that right now and that's how it's going to be. I'm going to stop beating myself up and take care of myself and give myself a chance. So it's interesting once I started loosening the hold, I was able to focus more.

Brettney Perr: So it just literally just came from inside and one day you just decided at that moment where pressure was on, you just flipped the switch and went, Nope, changing this.

Lucy Smith: Yeah.

Brettney Perr: So that takes a lot of willpower to do that.

" "I want to leave something behind when I die. I wonder, if I’m productive enough to create some token of wisdom, whether people will decide I’m not such a bother after all." "  -- Lucy Smith - The Dirt: An Illustrated, 100% Uncensored Memoir of a Girl with Mental Illness

Lucy Smith: It's also a lot of abandoning fear. I guess that falls under willpower, but, it felt like for me just totally giving the finger and wanting to uproot everything and just like, "Fuck the man, like who cares do it your own way!" I'm very used to that kind of a thought process. Like I believe in uprooting society. I believe that this whole, Coronavirus is definitely a wake-up call for us, for our country, for our beliefs and how we're, treating other people. I think that something so quote unquote destructive as this, its actually a way for us to transform. The cliche metaphor for transformation is the butterfly. They go into the cocoon as the Caterpillar, and they change, and then green little Caterpillar comes out as an orange butterfly with black spots. And you're like, what? And butterflies like, yeah I knew this was going to happen all along. So, I think we just have to let nature take its course and ride this out. But we also have to be cognizant, obviously, we can't go out, we can't do much at all, and that affects how we're considering other people. Especially the people we live with if we live with anyone at all, that's an uprooting of society. It's very much like a forced uprooting, which for me, I like that energy. I like the, "well, okay you give me no choice, we're going to do it this way now since y'all weren't listening the first time." I liked that kind of a forced discipline, kind of intense, not a power trip, but okay, maybe a little power trip.

Brettney Perr: Like shakes things up.

Lucy Smith: Yeah. Cause people definitely need wake-up calls.

Brettney Perr: It's interesting to bring this up too because this is not abnormal. A lot of people are going to survive. We're going to be fine, it's just getting through that moment. It is so great to hear your own story of dealing with a lot of thoughts and feelings that people are dealing with in this time and place, not able to express it, distanced from people as well. I think your book is just a prime resource right now that people can turn to and feel a connection with you, with someone around their thoughts and feelings around their fears, around what they're going through and around ways out of it.

Lucy Smith: Yeah, I think there's always a way out. It's not necessarily the prettiest story, the most comfortable, as a matter of fact, it's always really, but the discomfort is necessary.

Brettney Perr: Interesting, can you speak more on the discomfort?

Lucy Smith: It's like being backed into a wall, when you're backing into a wall, you kind of look around and you think, "well, here I am, I live here now I'm against the wall, this is fine." But it's not fine because you are completely capable of taking yourself out of that restriction, out of that situation, and a lot of times, for those of us who are very cerebral, it's often self-imposed restrictions. Whatever excuse you might have, whatever limiting belief you choose to accept. The truth is you don't have to just stand up and get back out of the wall, like the way you came in. You could disappear through the floor, you could punch a hole in the wall and go out that way. You could take down or destroy or slice through whatever's holding you back, you could pass through the wall like you were Shadowcat from the X-Men and there are a million resources that we have that are not apparent to a lot of people because it's not what we're taught to believe, it's not what we're taught to think.

""This poisonous thinking is caused by a sickness that I will never truly cure. It has given me deep, thick battle scars which, in my opinion, make me all the more badass. My soul is a sword-wielding warrior, clad in leather and furs. The good times wouldn’t be good without the scars, and the scars are what make the good times feel elevated, relieving, and comforting. Where there is darkness, there is always light… and where there is light, there is always darkness." "  -- Lucy Smith - The Dirt: An Illustrated, 100% Uncensored Memoir of a Girl with Mental Illness

Say, I was like, "I'm going to punch through this wall and that's how I'm going to get out from between the wall." And some would say, that's really destructive, that's really disruptive you're gonna make a lot of people upset, but my response is, I don't care. It's not hurting anyone else, it's allowing me to grow and this is my highest good. by this letting go of the shame that came from publishing these very intimate experiences. I was just sucking it up and saying, "you know what, this is what I went through and this is who I am." That's liberating in and of itself. So I step in my own way out of my corner by publishing this book.

Brettney Perr: That's beautiful, from this place what does the future hold for you?

Lucy Smith: That's hard to say, I'm usually really adaptive and I'm still getting used to my role as a public leader. I've always been very secluded, very private. Like here's another X-Men analogy, like Calisto and the underground mutants it would be, no one can see us, no one deals with us. We're in our own little clubhouse helping everyone there to reclaim their own self-power. But now that my work is in the mainstream, a lot of that is just getting used to that new mindset it's a shift in consciousness as well as a shift in energy. So for a little while, I'm going to be getting used to the whole idea of not living in the shadows and being in the center of the room and being able to inspire people.

Brettney Perr: I'm amazed that you've written this book that you've, opened your heart to so many and that through that opening, you've helped people through their own processes and have someone to look up to. There is a struggle in that shift and becoming that person accepting this responsibility. it's exciting to see you step into that space. It's exciting to know you and being able to see this process and watch you grow as well. And to know there is a struggle with it. It is not easy.

Lucy Smith: I don't think it was ever supposed to be easy. It's a mental relief when things are easy. I feel like the things that genuinely switch society are always really uncomfortable at first, you're literally going against the grain and literally like making everything uncomfortable. It's not the easiest to get used to, but it's all for the greater good.

Brettney Perr: Definitely, where can people find you?

Lucy Smith: For modeling, I do a lot of private events for studios and, colleges, but I also do a lot of public events. if you're in the Los Angeles area or Southern California, feel free to come to a Gallery Girls event. That is one of the companies that I've modeled with, one of the collaborators, and we do a lot of themes, costume events can be anything from draped nude, nude with decoration to full-blown, cosplay and scenery or just really interesting non-cosplay costumes. So those are the public events are usually pretty affordable. My book can be found with me. I have many physical copies. you can also find it on Amazon if you don't find it you could go to Google and type in “The Dirt, Lucy Smith, “and then it should be the first result.

Brettney Perr: Very cool and then what's your Instagram account?

Lucy Smith: My main Instagram account is Library After Dark. I picked that name because the girl that was helping me was like, well, what are two things that you want people to know about you immediately? I said, smart and sexy; Library is the smart part, and then After Dark is the sexy part. There are links there to my other accounts on there as well. Bloom From Dirt is The Dirt's Instagram, and Lucy Smith Illustration is for my artwork. Persephone's Jewels is my coaching page There's a couple more, but that's a lot feel free to follow like, and send me a message.

Brettney Perr: Awesome, thank you so much for doing this, for busting out of your shell and creating a beautiful shift on this earth that really is impactful. Maybe a bit jarring, but that's the point, change surely comes through catalyst. I look forward to seeing what you do in the future Thank you so much again for doing this.

Lucy Smith: Thanks for having me. Yeah, I like your podcast. I like all your projects and everything you're about, so let's continue to collab in the future.

""My near-constant depressive mood makes me really grateful for the good times, even if they eventually disappear from reality, relegated to memories that play over and over like a favorite bittersweet song. Every time something good happens, I see the Light and I feel such warmth and power. At those times the angels are with me more than ever. There is a soft, warm glow, radiating an aura of mulberry, purple, gold, and white light. It tastes like grape juice and sunshine, and it feels like ecstasy. I become addicted." "  -- Lucy Smith - The Dirt: An Illustrated, 100% Uncensored Memoir of a Girl with Mental Illness

Lucy’s resilience in overcoming her obstacles and publishing a very open book on her struggles is truly and inspiration to me and may it be the same for you. Be well! -Brettney Perr

Click Here to Purchase: The Dirt: An Illustrated, 100% Uncensored Memoir of a Girl with Mental Illness

Lucy Smith can be found at:

Personal Website: https://www.lucymariesmith.com Life Coaching: https://www.instagram.com/PersephonesJewels/ Illustrations: https://www.instagram.com/lucysmithillustration/ The Dirt: https://www.instagram.com/bloomfromdirt/ Modeling: https://www.instagram.com/libraryafterdark/

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CELEBRATE AN UNBIRTHDAY TO HEAL BIRTHDAY DEPRESSION

With the COVID-19 pandemic, many of us have had to let go of our birthday plans and be alone for quarantine purposes. If you are spiraling into depression, feeling miserable, or upset. These are understandable reactions to what’s going on. The insights here can also be applied for coping through this difficult time.

Birthday depression, also known as the birthday blues, is a very real thing, and if you deal with this, then you know it becomes part of the annual celebration. There are many reasons attributed to why this happens but there is an underlying cause as to why this may be happening to you and there’s solutions for how to deal with it.

It’s 2019 my birthday is nearing and this year I promised myself that I wouldn’t do the “setup.”   Meaning I’m not setting myself up for my mind to cycle into depression feeling alone, worthless, and crying myself to sleep on my birthday. This is something that has persisted for years even prior to my divorce. My mother is typically out of town for one reason or another, and when I was married, my husband (now ex), never threw me a birthday party although I put on a big celebration for him on his 30th.  I didn’t feel valued or appreciated because I didn’t value or appreciate myself, that’s why I stuck with a relationship that was clearly harmful.  

With that knowledge, it was pivotal that I brought myself to a place where I honestly expected nothing from anyone but myself.  I came to understand that my worth has nothing to do with how many show up or who even cares. The truth is, I wasn’t even showing up for myself. For many years I secretly wanted a surprise birthday party, it was a secret so well kept that it never happened.  I didn’t speak of my desire for a surprise party, it’s stupid, childish and would be very hard for someone to pull off without me figuring it out too.  On top of that there could be a self sabotage element with surprise parties; when one is requested its not a surprise as it becomes an expectation.  Also, I’ve never enlisted the help of friends to put a big party or gathering on for me, in this I created and reinforced a problem of unwarranted expectations.

Once I became aware of these factors I wanted to be done with them.    I had to do something different, I needed a reset to reclaim my birthday for myself, by myself, without influence, social conditioning, or my own drama. So I dove into the loneliness; going beyond that I accepted it. Fully embracing solitude, I dropped off the grid into self care. I shut down my Facebook a week before my birthday to prevent interruption and ensure people were not reminded on the platform.  Then I made the decision to show up for myself, to stop valuing the pain and focus on healing from this burden of perpetual birthday woe. I set up a spa package at a Korean Spa and took my first exploration into flotation therapy.

There was a snag though, my close friends didn’t get it.

I love, and appreciate my friends, knowing that they cherish and appreciate me.  Yet they wanted to enforce some form of celebration. One who found out my birthday after it happened chided me on things.  I acquiesced to spend the evening of my birthday with my best friend but it wasn’t what I wanted, it wasn’t what I needed.  I really needed to be alone in the wilderness of myself, phone shut off away from people so I could reclaim my personal birthright; my own sense of self-worth.

They wanted me to know my value through them, but I desired internal validation over the external. Yet I’m still eternally thankful for my friends, their thoughtfulness and their consideration out of genuine love. To be honest I would also be concerned over a friend with birthday depression isolating themselves in this way too.

My birthday this year was beautiful I fully accepted the well wishing and responded with as much deep gratitude as I could. Friends asked what I did for my birthday and it brought up a brief moment of anxiety that old sting from the pattern of misery.  Through it, I realized that for me to do something “special” would only place pressure and stress upon me.   As a single mother, without a car traveling for hours on public transportation, the greatest gift is pressure-free time in accessible spaces with a focus on self care. This is a multifaceted, whereas, for me to do anything else is a social construct for someone who is in a space where they enjoy the work, time, and expense of setting up their party, or managing friends, a significant other, or family member to put on an event.

The greatest revelation I had is that we need to treat every day as special, regarding ourselves with self love, self care, and gratitude. For me it’s been an interesting exploration in this space and the payoff is well worth it.  My self care is a set of prioritized daily activities that can be a variety of options; yoga, meditation, singing bowls, reading time, indulging in coffee or tea, and eating healthy. That list switches out with other things as the practices become redundant. Self care is individualized and your self care resource list will be different from mine. The way to know the difference between what is and isn’t self care is noticing how you feel afterwards. Do you have a pleasant reaction or an unpleasant one, are these sustainable everyday activities?

My journey in seeking a solution to this started last year with my unbirthday, where I claimed my space for myself and my well being. With that this year I experienced the successful results to fully receive those Facebook well wishes to let the love sink in with gratitude. When we put ourselves first, in this regard, it’s out of self care and self love. It’s not an ego based selfishness, or an act of ulterior motives such as protecting wounds or being manipulative. It’s genuine love and care, if you don’t have that for yourself it becomes very hard to genuinely have that for others. May this either help you through your process, or to understand those around you who may be going through it.

I offer emotional support coaching that holds a safe space for you to process, vent, and generate ideas to help you through your own individual journey. 

Send me a message by filling out the form below if you would like to connect and learn more! -Brettney Perr

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Fear leads to Cortisol which suppresses the Immune System!

Do your best to be calm and mindfully proactive.(prepare, practice proper hygiene, boost your immune system etc.)

If you need help calming down

Read the recent blog post there's a lot of great tips on counteracting fear, stress and panic.

#Corona #COVID19

https://www.obscuram.com/blog/truth-about-weight-loss-part4